Coming 2 America Edit

A bastard son.

A home that we can build together.

A home...

A machete? A rocket launcher? What you got?

A male heir.

A new dawn had arised in Zamunda,

A new sense of hope

A prince?

A semiautomatic shotgun wedding it will be!

A son?

A son.

A wild boar burst into the room.

About your bowel movements.

According to our ZNN source inside the palace,

Acting mine, that's good.

Africans undercover. Oh, that's good, baby.

Ah, boy. Oh, my bad.

Ah, but I've not come with just words.

Ah, I do believe he has gone

Ah, just like the Kardashians! (laughs)

Ah, well, I don't want to shift blame,

Ain't no castle or mountain of gold

Ain't nobody gonna hire you over all these

Ain't that the same brother?

Ain't this a bitch.

Aka Uncle Reem,

Akeem now is an African king.

AKEEM: Ah. Then it shall be

AKEEM: And then, if memory serves,

AKEEM: Baba.

AKEEM: General, throughout the years,

AKEEM: Hello, Babar.

AKEEM: I just lost the greatest man in my life.

AKEEM: I want a woman that's going to

AKEEM: There is but one test that remains:

AKEEM: Today, we celebrate

AKEEM: Well, look at us.

AKEEM: Where do we begin?

AKEEM: Yes, Father.

AKEEM: You will need the courage of all your ancestors...

AKEEM: Your great grandfather.

Akeem.

Akeem.

Akeem.

All kinds of wiggity wack stuff happens

All of my father's favorite curses for you.

All right, all right.

All right, we gonna take this old school now, okay?

All right? She coming.

All the visible objects in the universe

All three of you?

Am I familiar with... (stammers) Look at me.

Am I the weak one?

Amen!

Amen! Okay, so do I get my own hut with my private shaman?

America has certainly changed since our last visit.

American cinema is the best.

An army retreats with the sole intention

An overpriced rehab facility

And 30 years of delicious fast food.

And a crazy ass general breathing down your neck.

And a foul...

And as far as Zamundan royalty is concerned,

And as your brother.

And beautiful and magical.

And because she's a woman,

And change.

And come to find out, he's a king.

And customs, the way that they do stuff.

And cut your own damn hair from now on.

And Daddy never had to sneak you into

And he beat that meshuggener Conor McGregor, the Irishman.

And he took his Uncle Reem

And heavy lies the head that wears the crown.

And his bride, Princess Mirembe.

And his moms.

And how is my father today?

And I am the MF'ing king.

And I believe that you...

And I don't need no handout.

And I get that, but ain't my fault

And I have a child on the other side of the world.

And I I I can't... I can't be what he wants me to be.

And I promise you,

And I realized, if I was ever going to sow my oats

And I want to tear you apart.

And I will look into his eyes, and if I see

And I'll tell you this, too.

And I'm a try my hardest to make her happy.

And I'm bestowed with great power.

And I'm gonna sell it and get me a Tesla.

And I'm the boss.

And if there's no wedding, he most certainly will attack.

And if you want to stay here in Queens and marry

And is prepared to marry my daughter.

And it's all part of my lovely granddaughter's campaign

And it's not like you're the first man I've ever been with.

And King Akeem.

And loyal son of Zamunda.

And my brownstone on Foch Boulevard is worth $10 million.

And my moms.

And now he is a father, as well.

And now my eyes are open,

And now she's gone.

And now there can be peace.

And now, because of my stubbornness,

And now, ladies and gentlemen, without any further ado,

And now... Salt N Pepa!

And on top of all that,

And one day, all this is gonna be yours.

And one might say I was looking for myself, as well.

And peaceful time for us old heads.

And people thought he was crazy

And profit.

And retrieve this errant child of mine.

And sexist men of the cloth

And take the princely test.

And teach them some combinations.

And that is the story of the bunny and the bear.

And that is why I've issued a decree to Baba.

And that wretched woman with him, as well.

And the man that I always wanted to be

And the only way to meet his expectations

And the troubles never stop, Akeem.

And then it began to ram me.

And then we can, you know, get it crackin'.

And these.

And they want to kill people.

And throwing him into our kingly affairs...

And what about Prince Lavelle?

And what about your sisters?

And who is this?

And who told you you could go through my closet?

And without using any animal by products.

And you cannot turn your back on your family.

And you forgot.

And you have to put McDowell's first.

And you know the law.

And you know they have different traditions

And your friend, too.

And, Princess Omma,

Anybody could be a Nazi. You ever notice that, Prince?

Are my princely robes not on fleek?

Are the heir to the throne of Zamunda.

Are those coins? Are those gold bars?

Are you a fool?

Are you familiar with the Barbershop series?

Are you making fun of me?

Are you serious?

Are you trying to say I'm out of pocket?

Arouse my intellect as well as my loins.

As a man, as a king,

As a sign to attack the weak one.

As just being big house cats.

As long as I'm prince,

As magnificent as a palace ceremony.

As you know, I have very, very strong opinions

As you were.

Aside from some insane rituals y'all have here,

At any moment, a world leader can come

At half off, so they come flocking,

At my sister's last week and make an emergency dump.

BABA: I seen it

BABA: Yes, Your Majesty.

Babar, the magnificent one.

Barely, but for how long?

Bark orders at me.

Bastard brother. They know.

Bastard child here. (laughs)

Bathe me?

Be as your father.

Be not the prince of Zamunda.

Be strong.

Be the prince from Queens.

Because I will be expecting a wedding tomorrow.

Been getting that look my entire life.

Before the all day shrimp ends at Sizzler's.

Before you found out you were a prince?

Behold! Prince Akeem in his natural element,

Besides, we hadn't even met yet.

Besides, what kind of kingdom is this?

Blackface photos of you from the office party.

Born in America...

BOTH: ...why ruin it?

BOTH: "Follow the thunderbird."

BOTH: ♪ Stop what you're doing 'cause I'm about to ruin ♪

BOTH: It's the Golden Arcs.

BOTH: Nah.

Boy, why you ain't tell me you was bringing company?

Bursting through the door with some pressing,

But as Prince Akeem.

But as you know, my father still breathes.

But at the time, it seemed like a good plan.

But by the time they get there,

But don't worry, I never broke our oath

But eventually, they do things

But every prince... (sighs)

But he cannot know that you know who he is.

But I am just a wife.

But I know true love.

But I'm a tell you who I am, man.

But if this is something that Lavelle desires,

But instead, you push our daughter aside,

But it has always been a dream of mine to...

But not the murder kind.

But now they dress like the Best Buy Geek Squad

But the people of Zamunda have not.

But then my mom got laid off, and, uh,

But there was no inappropriate mating.

But what can I do?

But what did you say... the other men

But you are right.

But you don't have one.

But you got no idea what I'm talking about.

But you know what? I'll bump uglies with your homeboy.

But you really don't have to, girls.

But, Lavelle...

But, Mutombo, do you mind if I have a minute with her?

But, no, instead he runs off to America without a word to me.

But, yeah, it... yes, you're right

By uniting your bastard with my Bopoto?

Came to be with a single purpose:

Carbon footprint.

Cat food.

Catch him before his knees pop.

Cease and desist letters, copyright infringement.

Ceremonial circumcision.

Cheers.

Children, I would love for you to meet your brother.

CLARENCE: And I'll tell you something else.

CLARENCE: Floyd "Money" Mayweather ain't shit!

CLARENCE: Hey! Mufasa!

CLARENCE: That's too much, man. You stepped over the line, now.

CLARENCE: Well, I'll be damned.

Clench your backside.

Cleo, thank you.

Come here, you gentle giant. (sighs)

Come now, Father. Everything is going to be...

Come on, Middle Tennessee State.

Come on, y'all! You want it, I got it!

Come on, y'all.

Come through, Babar, my friend.

Come. Sit.

Compadre?

Continue.

Could I get two Crown Royals for me and my royal compadre?

Cowering at the mercy of the women in his life.

Critical thinking and, more importantly, courage.

Cut the candles in half.

Cuzzo! Happy birthday!

Damn!

Damn.

Defend yourself, you sweat from a baboon's balls.

Did it ever occur to you that maybe

Did it say that you you didn't graduate college?

Did Prince Akeem battle bug eyed burglars,

Did you run here all the way from Africa?

Dig all that. Okay, now, where my people from Queens at?

Do I have your attention?

Do it for our country.

Do it.

Do you see me hopping on one leg and barking like a dog?

Do you think Lisa will be understanding?

Does it concern my marriage to a suitor

Don't play.

Don't use white voice.

Easy, my father.

Eh?

En Vogue.

Enough of this.

Even though we came from entirely two different places.

Ever since his handsome and mad smart uncle showed up."

Ever.

Every day, I have moved closer to the comfort of life,

Everyone in Zamunda knows

Everything is coming out...

Everything that I have done for him,

Exactly. We hadn't met yet. It's not like I cheated on you.

Excuse me.

Failed him as a father.

Father, I did not sow my royal oats.

Father? Boy...

Feel me, now.

Fighting is not for pretty girls and princesses.

First of all, shout out to King Akeem and his family

Flying across the world without my mother.

Follow the thunderbird?

For all of the shame and disappointment

For educational purposes.

For instance,

For locating one of your lost sperm.

For more on this, we are joined by Semmi.

For my father's mistake.

For one of his, um, evening strolls.

For one to put his member in danger

For our family or for Zamunda?

For the meeting of these two beautiful souls,

Forgive an old fool.

Foul mouthed barbers

FREEMAN: But today,

From getting my, uh, business degree,

From her canine curse.

From here on out,

From the north to the east.

General Izzi will return in one day,

General Izzi, he will use the passing of our great king

General Izzi, we have just been informed

General Izzi, what a totally unexpected surprise.

General...

General...

Gentlemen, I have no time for this.

Get that stupid look off your face.

Girl, you is making a statement with that.

GLADYS KNIGHT: ♪ He's leaving... ♪

Gladys Knight.

Go dance. Shake your booties off.

Go to hell, you Western weasel!

Go, Uncle Reem!

God woke me up early this morning.

Going behind the king's back?

Good evening, my neighbors.

Good morning, Mother and Father, and happy anniversary.

Good morning, Mother and Father.

Good morning, Mother and Father.

Good morning, Omma.

Good morning, Tinashe.

Good morning, Your Royal Highness.

Good morning, Zamunda...!

Good morning.

Good night, my sweet.

Good night, Zamunda!

Good night.

Good night.

Good to see you, Totatsi.

Good.

Got five tickets to the Middle Tennessee game tonight!

Grazing in a field of horny goat weeds.

Great great great grandfather.

Halt!

Happy birthday, cuz!

Has your daughter considered the proposal from my son?

Have turned out to be unfounded.

He actually kicked me in the ass.

He beat that Filipino boy ass.

He could've told me about this groomer.

He does that from time to time to clear his mind.

He does... Y'all know I was a ho, though, right?

He has already ordered my execution three times.

He has already ordered your exla... Shit.

He has an urgent matter to discuss with you.

He is almost ready to become a prince.

He is my firstborn, my only son,

He is not a prince anymore.

He is our king.

He looks hungry.

He probably over there right now working the St. John's game.

He scalp tickets down at Madison Square Garden.

He was nicer when he was a prince.

He'll understand.

He's been here for hours.

He's in the back.

He's my cousin. He's also my inspiration.

He's trapped. I must save him.

Hear me now.

Hear me, Prince Akeem.

Heir to the throne of Zamunda,

Hell yeah.

Hello.

Here in this land, conceived during my last visit.

Here, in this hall,

Hey, baby, happy birthday!

Hey, bartender!

Hey, dig this here.

Hey, don't be putting the money in my hand all rough.

Hey, for real, just... cut this off, all right?

Hey, I got five... Hey, I got five tickets

Hey, I hear you got your boy back.

Hey, it's Kunta Kinte and Ebola.

Hey, Mary, you just gonna leave?

Hey, Prince o. (chuckles)

Hey, Queen!

Hey, um, I don't mean to interrupt,

Hey, we packed.

Hey, what is this, velvet?

Hey, yo, I I can't do this right now, man.

Hey, yo, uh,

Hey, you know something?

Hey!

Hey!

Hey!

Hey. How you doing?

His death would make me smile.

His life is far too worthless.

Hmm?

Hmm? Wait a minute.

Holidays ignored.

Home.

How can I make you a happy princess?

How long have you felt that way? You know how itchy this is?

How much child support she getting from you?

How y'all doing? Y'all so cute.

How you doing, son?

How you doing? Hey, ladies.

How you doing? Mm.

Huh. (chuckles)

I advise you to reconsider my offer.

I always thought that Meeka was going to be queen.

I always thought that she was the wisest of all the Joffers.

I am actually here with a purpose.

I am going to mingle.

I am King Akeem Joffer,

I am King Akeem Joffer, king of Zamunda.

I am not uppity.

I am the heir to the throne of Zamunda.

I am the ruler of this land.

I am Uncle Reem's friend.

I assume the prince has returned from his midnight stroll

I came here for blood.

I came with a gift for your new prince.

I can do that better.

I can promise you there's gonna be some changes around here.

I can't believe he has done this.

I can't believe it. This is so beautiful.

I can't do this shit no more, man. I really can't.

I can't wait to go home and...

I cannot ignore hundreds of years of tradition.

I cannot stress how important it is that you're here

I come from a long line of broke ass nobodies.

I could eat the ass out of a zebra.

I could not stop. They are coming.

I could sponsor feed your scrawny ass.

I did not come here for money.

I did not exactly lie to you.

I did not know what to do.

I do know smartphones.

I do not think that he and Meeka will ever happen.

I do.

I don't even know why they call it "all day."

I don't know who you think you are,

I don't know why you would apologize.

I don't see no Lunchables or no lunch trays up here, nothing!

I don't want to marry her.

I get it, I get it. A'ight.

I get it.

I give you a week.

I give you Fresh Peaches and Sugar Cube!

I got five! Got five!

I got to get solid.

I have been preparing my whole life

I have just discovered that I may have a bastard son

I have known him since he was a little elephant,

I have known him since he was a small elephant.

I have lost my appetite.

I have never said that...

I have no time to listen to your stories

I have run off my own son.

I hear the trade routes have reopened between our nations.

I heard everything General Izzi said to you.

I hereby crown you

I hope he's not getting cold feet.

I hope you like, uh, pumpkin pie.

I I don't know anybody who can work scissors like you.

I I was not handed anything.

I I'm late for my bath. What am I looking for?

I intend to find my bride.

I just want to look employable.

I just want to tell you that every Sunday

I kicked you in the leg. Come on.

I know I look good.

I know not what you speak of.

I know technology, all right?

I know this isn't exactly the wedding you've always imagined.

I know this man all the way live.

I know what I am to you!

I know you gonna want this back.

I love you, Cleo.

I make him a prince, I give him a chance to finally

I may not have been as brave as you, Lavelle Junson,

I mean, but you should, though, 'cause I kind of am.

I mean, I've read a lot of studies that say

I mean, the McFlurby is nothing like the McFlurry.

I mean, what about all your stuff?

I mean...

I much needed to hear the wisdom of a father.

I must admit, your manner and your style

I must be strong.

I must say, you are more like your father than I thought.

I need 200 more dollars.

I need some protein.

I need to find my mom. I need to find my Uncle Reem.

I need to talk to you.

I noticed here, under education, that...

I only like redbone gals.

I only recently discov... (laughing)

I present to you Kareem Junson,

I rather enjoyed being on fleek.

I remember meeting this morally bereft woman,

I said there is nothing to talk about.

I shall always do what is right for our family.

I shall bring Queens to Zamunda!

I shall not be shamed by my two daughters.

I shall return to America

I shall wait here.

I should not have done that.

I should've been selling it.

I should've known about this.

I simply acted as my father and king has instructed.

I spoiled you, my son.

I suggest you find another one.

I suppose life here ain't too bad.

I take it you are growing accustomed to a palace life.

I take my mama to get a McFlurby.

I think he was supposed to be, like,

I think it is best you go to bed and get some rest.

I think my kingdom was safer with me gone and you in charge.

I think they get the idea. So, how you doing?

I told her she could start right now, she was so fine.

I told you he was gonna come back!

I too wonder about my own stray bullets.

I used to quite enjoy mopping.

I want a woman so Black,

I want to be with you.

I want to have a connection with the person

I want to thank you for releasing my sister

I wanted to find more than a wife.

I wanted to get me one of them flat screen TVs.

I was doing whatever it took.

I was going to need to find someone

I was hoping you would put a stem on an apple of your own.

I was looking for the perfect vagina.

I was only trying to do what is right.

I was ready to riot anyway.

I was schooling this boy on the streets of Queens.

I was successful my first time,

I was Will Smith's Aladdin, okay?

I will always do what is right for Zamunda.

I will be your royal groomer.

I will make you a happy prince.

I will not continue to be jerked around

I will talk to Father alone.

I wonder who told you that.

I would like nothing more than to help your country

I would nothing more... I would... (laughs)

I wouldn't want to go back to plotting your death.

I'd always imagined there'd be a womanizing, sexist officiant

I'll be dead soon.

I'll be gone in a minute, 'cause I'm about to be

I'll be right back.

I'll be... I'll be right back.

I'll see you in one week, my prince.

I'm a prince from Queens.

I'm calling you Calvin.

I'm freaking out right now because these three girls,

I'm going to die now.

I'm gonna live my life with the woman I love.

I'm gonna need you to be honest with me.

I'm hungry. I'm...

I'm in my 30s now.

I'm joking. That's not...

I'm Lavelle Junson, a'ight?

I'm listening.

I'm looking for the good stuff, man.

I'm no warrior, Your Majesty.

I'm not hopping on some plane,

I'm not supposed to be here.

I'm not.

I'm only giving him an opportunity

I'm so sorry you can no longer indiscriminately

I'm sorry I slept with your man.

I'm sure he's destined for greatness.

I'm Totatsi Bibinyana.

I'm trying to rouse the lion.

I'm well versed in emerging trends.

I'm your uncle.

I've been a, uh...

I've been ruled by fear for far too long.

I've come back for my son.

I've seen him.

If "pious" means cheap, well, then you right.

If he has Joffer blood running through his veins,

If my family were to ever find out about this...

If something is good...

If you can't beat 'em, join 'em.

If you had married her, our countries would be united,

If you hire me, I won't let you down.

If you were in the mood...

Imani, always a pleasure.

In a most promising twist,

In a vision.

In fact, I got one granddaughter used to be my grandson.

In in this glorious house...

In my defense, it had been weeks

In one of them Fashion Nova dresses.

In the barbaric land of Queens

In the languages of the modern world.

In this boy's life since he was born.

In this political climate, Black man can't be taking

Including making babies

Indeed.

Indisposed?

Influenced by the McDonald's menu.

Inform General Izzi that I have retrieved my son from America.

Is also a test of courage, yes?

Is anybody gonna tell me why these mashed potatoes is black?

Is foreign to my kingdom, but it is impressive.

Is is there a business that you want to start?

Is on the other side of the world.

Is that our biggest difference?

Is this a pious house of God?

Is this dude my father?

Is to walk with a stick up my ass or get myself killed.

It all sucks! Y'all can have it.

It came and jumped into my lap.

It couldn't be more perfect.

It ends at 6:00.

It is better to be bound by blood and marriage

It is most urgent that I find him.

It is my daughters that teach me

It is my potential bastard son.

It is my pride and my joy.

It is not fair for me to blame you

It is our anniversary.

It is so good to see you.

It is spineless!

It is the boy's birthright.

It is the most selfish act, unworthy of a Joffer!

It is the only way. You must.

It is time for umbajuntoo.

It is true.

It means "friend."

It seems that the last time I...

It shall be glorious.

It was a totally honest mistake that can happen to anyone

It was oxy, and my mom took me.

It was simple, and it made sense.

It will take you to your boy.

It'll get you fired.

It's a big step.

It's a damn lion.

It's a gift.

It's a party over here!

It's all good, little sis. All good.

It's caviar.

It's everything that comes with it. Hmm?

It's just good old fashioned grass.

It's Lavelle.

It's not so much the crown that is so heavy.

It's not the Golden Arches.

It's okay. It's okay.

It's rush hour surge pricing.

It's science.

It's so detrimental to a child.

It's that look.

It's the law.

It's time for me to start becoming my own king.

It's your nephew's birthday.

It's your party, Prince.

IZZI: King Akeem.

IZZI: King Akeem. (chuckles)

IZZI: Ooh.

IZZI: There is Bopoto, my daughter.

IZZI: Wedding bells, wedding bells.

Izzi.

JAFFE JOFFER (over TV): This is ZNN.

JAFFE JOFFER: Semmi!

Jaffe Joffer.

Jampu...

Jappa Joffer.

Jompu Joffer.

Judging by the smile on your face.

Just 'cause he a king. I got a dog named King.

Just as you did, my son.

Just as you have for your bride.

Just big house cats?

Just call me your second mom.

Just cut it off.

Just keep running! Keep running! Run!

Just let me go throw up real quick, and, uh...

Just one big, happy

Just one more time, just just to make sure.

Just one of the many backward Zamundan traditions.

Just sort of, like, in between opportunities.

Keep her as a prisoner

Keep running!

King Akeem has returned from America with a son.

King Akeem, I have come to give you congratulations

King Akeem, shall we join our families in marriage

King Akeem...

KING JAFFE JOFFER: My time has come, my son.

Kiss my ass, Calvin.

Lavelle Junson of Queens,

Lavelle Junson of Queens.

Lavelle Junson, do you take...

Lavelle, is this what you want?

Lavelle, you cannot do this.

LAVELLE: A'ight.

LAVELLE: All right, y'all, what am I doing out here?

LAVELLE: Come on.

LAVELLE: Hey! Come on, y'all!

LAVELLE: Hey.

LAVELLE: Hmm.

LAVELLE: Hold up. Hold up.

LAVELLE: I just don't belong here.

LAVELLE: If it pleases Your Majesty,

LAVELLE: James Brown Joffer.

LAVELLE: Mm.

LAVELLE: Step mama queen, what up?

LAVELLE: That's Hebbe Joffer.

LAVELLE: Uh uh. Ain't happening like that, man.

LAVELLE: Well, um...

LAVELLE: Why not? I got sales experience.

LAVELLE: Yeah, you got something.

Lavelle.

Leading a very strange ceremony in black socks.

Legend has it he could speak to animals,

Let him pass. Move.

Let me get my Spotify on deck real quick.

Let me have some of your finest drink.

Let them take a little bit off the top.

Let there be light.

Let us begin.

Let us, let us go for a short break.

Let's get hitched.

Let's have it now while I'm alive.

Let's rock.

Like a howler monkey

Like father, like son.

Like what, exactly?

Like what?

Like, be for real... what's up with that?

Lisa McDowell of Queens.

Lisa,

Listen to me, young Jedi, okay?

LIVIA: Do the right thing. Go ahead, boy.

Long ago, I had your spirit.

Look at this foyer! (laughing)

Look here, boy. Look here.

Look, baby, it's about the love, okay?

Look, I'm gonna hug you 'cause I'm a hugger.

Look, just please try to make 31 candles.

Look, man, you haven't liked me since I got here,

Look, um, I just want to apologize.

Look.

Look.

Love has once again triumphed in Zamunda.

Lovely. (chuckles)

Ma, pack your bags, man. We out.

Ma!

Ma?

Make something of himself, and this is how he repays me!