Desperate Housewives - Season 2 Edit

A couple of days, a week?

A little help!

A lot of people have been looking for you.

A lot of people have over the years, and they all end up getting hurt.

About the power of a loving relationship.

After you take off your clothes, feel free to jump right in.

All right, guys, you all know next week we're playing the Falcons!

All the neighbours are out today,

Amen. Keep coming back. It works if you work it. Amen.

Amen. Keep coming back. It works if you work it. Amen.

And afraid to stand up for what is right.

And all you have to say to me is, "I don't know"?

And Bree got too much...

And Caleb?

And continue to feel like a huge pervert.

And do it quick. I'm hungry.

And he got a good job down at the plant. He's really stepped up.

And I am not gonna let you keep us apart.

And I asked her what she was wearing, and she said "a yellow blouse."

And I can be that friend.

And I don't know what I'm gonna do now.

And I want them to see how happy we are and wish they were us.

And I want to nail that ho to the wall.

And I'm just gonna go back and finish so we can all get out of here.

And I'm sure you will be too.

And it wouldn't make any difference.

And lose all of his scholarships,

And my husband! My husband, he sings to her!

And not one of them had ever seen it coming.

And she has.

And that you can't socialise with her anymore.

And that's a good thing because if one of you caused a scandal like that,

And the wisdom to know the difference.

And then the football season would go to hell.

And there's one called Silvercrest which actually seems OK.

And to spare him the nasty drama

And we finally managed to come to terms.

And we wake up in the middle of the night, and we rock her,

And we're gonna fry up those birdies for dinner!

And we've been bathing her.

And what if this poor, confused soul

And while most were asking God for help in resisting temptation,

And who are the Huskies?

And you can sign over full custody to us.

And you don't go around getting strippers pregnant.

And you wanna know why?

And, yes, you have a little problem that you need some help with.

Are me, Julie, that lesbian that does his taxes and you.

Are you Oliver?

Are you? Well, maybe if you'd written it down,

At least you and Tom have a love life.

Avoid lust triggers.

Because I can be very strong for those people that I really care about.

Because so many of us are cowardly

Because so many of us give in to despair...

Because so many of us rage against the hand that life has dealt us.

Because when it comes to sex, I have an unwavering moral compass.

Because you boys live clean.

Before we adjourn today, let's take a moment to bow our heads.

Begged your forgiveness?

Begging her not to leave me.

Better than Fran and I. We're dead in that department.

Betty, I am serious.

Bree Van De Kamp was busy thinking thoughts

Bree, it's Peter. And I'm in trouble.

Bree, stop worrying.

Bree...

But could you please stop saying it?

But Danielle doesn't even like me in her room.

But God would drop your school colours so fast it'd make your head spin.

But I bought a bag.

But I'm willing to be there for you.

But if these tramps weren't laying out the buffet, he wouldn't be chowing down.

But if you are having problems in that area,

But it's not even his.

But let's save a little of our hate for his partner in crime, the other woman.

But now I... Now I see that you were just a victim too.

But she does.

But trust me, Tom is gonna go to town.

But when he did, it was usually to ask for God's help

But you don't have the slightest idea

But you know what? She told me if you come in her room again,

But, um... now I do.

Caleb is dangerous, and I want him put away.

Caleb was meant for a better world than this, Matthew.

Caleb? Hey, come on, buddy. Wake up.

Caleb. It's time.

Call the police. Then it's not up to her.

Carlos! No! Carlos, what's happening?

Claude rescued me from some pretty nasty scenes over the years.

Claude, I need some... I need some help.

Come on in, come on, come on.

Come on, you guys, we don't have to make this ugly.

Come on! Come on!

Come on.

Come on. Let's go.

Compulsive masturbation every chance you get!

Cos we're the Huskies!

Cruising the park at night looking for somebody to get off with,

Dale, just do it already!

Damn it, Peter. What did I tell you?

Danielle, I want you to pick up the phone and call the police.

Danielle?

Darlene talked him into cutting people with kids loose.

Did it work?

Disgusting, isn't it?

Do I have to worry about you attacking any more waitresses?

Do you remember how low you'd sunk when we met?

Doesn't include you, Senior VP.

Don't worry.

Drink your milk.

Ed wants us to push through tonight and finish the Edelstein Realty pitch.

Ed, hey.

Ed, your conference call is ready.

Edie, baby, calm down.

Edie, why are you torturing that girl?

Edie!

Either you do something or I will.

Ended every meeting with a prayer.

Every retreat was always meticulously planned,

Every situation is different. It's hard to judge until we know all the details.

Excuse me, I don't know what that means,

Excuse me.

Excuse me. May I ask you something?

For God sakes, it's not brain surgery. Is she still online?

For guys like Peter and me, there's no beauty in the sex.

For my sex addiction.

For the sake of argument, let's... let's say that it's someone else.

Frank...

From women who did not wanna see him go.

Gabrielle got exactly what she wanted.

George said he'd never hurt me. As it turned out, they were both liars.

Get away from her!

Get away from me!

Get off me, you...

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

God, I don't know. I'm gonna go check with Ed.

Good. Cos I'm gonna need a designated driver.

Good. Then tell the pretty lady goodbye

Great! Let's go before he changes his mind.

Guys, I'm all for bashing exes,

He locked himself in your bathroom. I'm here to take him home.

He simply falls asleep.

He sings!

He will be. I promise you. Can I go check on Danielle?

He, uh... left me for another woman,

He'd spend the rest of his life at the mercy of strangers.

He's locked in his room now, so...

He's under contract.

Hello, everyone!

Hence, his record of successful getaways

Here you go. Extra spicy...

Hey there.

Hey there. Did you have a late night? I hope.

Hey, is that your natural colour?

Hey, it's out of my hands.

Hey, Judy. Get over here and act like a hostess!

Hey. Any luck with that IMing thing?

Hey. How's the eye?

Hey. The baby's a beauty.

Hi. I'm looking for Peter McMillan.

Hi. I'm looking for Peter McMillan.

Hold up.

Honest mistake. Don't worry about it.

How can you be so sure?

How can you have any feelings for me? You've only known me for a few weeks.

How could he be arrested for cocaine possession? Claude swore he was clean.

How long do you think it'd be before he'd act out, hurt somebody?

How would that help Ed avoid his marital problems?

Huh?

I am so sorry, but obviously, that was just meant for Tom's eyes only.

I appreciate that.

I asked for extra spicy.

I can get into the college of my choice.

I can't be divorced, Lynette. I can't.

I can't make you not have feelings for me. But I can show you who I was,

I didn't want to do this, but my marriage was on the line.

I didn't! I didn't! Why would she?

I didn't. I wanted you to come.

I don't have a damn choice!

I don't know.

I don't need a phone buddy! I need a boyfriend!

I don't need help. You hear those cheers? Those are for me.

I don't wanna bore you with the details.

I don't want my money back! I want my baby!

I don't want to blow it.

I get hammered.

I got kind of held up in Florida longer than I thought.

I got the message and just thought my friends were messing with me.

I have been ecstatic!

I hear Ed fighting with Fran on the phone every day through the walls.

I just wanted to give God a big shoutout for this amazing season.

I know who she is.

I know you don't wanna talk about this, but we have to.

I know you don't wanna talk about this, but we have to.

I know. But Frank said he's gonna take the baby off my hands.

I know. Lawyers and stuff.

I mean, you and Fran could spice it up a bit.

I promised her I would fire the person who did it.

I promised I would never institutionalise your brother.

I spent two hours pleading with her through the bathroom door,

I think Danielle really likes you too.

I think Peter is a better man than you do,

I think so.

I think you'd love the opera. The music and the voices,

I told every woman in this town that we are getting married,

I told her he had a problem with boundaries. I'm sorry.

I told her it was him that sent the IM's.

I understand what needs to happen now.

I want you to touch yourself."

I was online chatting with Fran a while ago,

I will.

I wish mine would do that. This is out of a bottle.

I would do anything to keep you here.

I'd say...

I'll talk to you later.

I'll totally give you all your money back.

I'm a sex addict. What do you think?

I'm also a member of S.A.

I'm also a sponsor at Cocaine Anonymous.

I'm Gabby Solis, class of '94. Whoo hoo!

I'm gonna want the baby.

I'm granting you temporary custody

I'm just... I'm here to pick up my friend Peter.

I'm pretty sure you said medium.

I'm sorry, Peter, but who is this?

I'm sorry. I was just about...

If a citizen, an ordinary citizen, like myself,

If Edie doesn't know, then that means you just cheated on her, with me!

If he's not gone by tomorrow, I'm calling the police.

If I call the police, my mom and I go to jail with Caleb.

If I hadn't been in the house, he could have ****d her. Or worse.

If I slip again, this is where you could find me.

If we do move, I promise I will call you every day.

If we don't he's gonna end up in prison. And don't you think that's worse?

If you just fire him, he'll sue you, and I'll back him up. You need cause.

If you saw me at my worst, you might not like me so much.

If you want to blow all that on this woman,

IMing works.

In breaking up with a woman

Is that God will hear you and answer your prayer.

Is there someone else?

It didn't take her long to figure out that I let a stranger seduce her online.

It is her.

It is your baby. Just take it!

It never occurred to him that God...

It was horrible. The whole thing blew up in my face.

It's an empty and ugly compulsion.

It's dangerous to care about me.

It's easy, it's painless.

It's got a chapter called "Revenge: You're Only Hurting Yourself."

It's just awful, isn't it?

It's just... he was the best sponsor I've ever had,

It's like we're sisters.

It's not gonna happen. I gotta get back. I'm the quarterback.

It's something to think about, Lord knows.

It's time to give your brother the peace he deserves.

Jerry, I didn't know you had a kid.

Just a few extra drops.

Just tell me now so I can stop wasting my time working with you!

Karl broke up with Edie.

Karl Mayer didn't pray often.

Karl prayed to God yet again

Karl's office is all guys. The only women he sees are...

Keep walking, Gabby. Don't engage him.

Kind of like,

Knew of someone holding a significant amount of drugs,

Know what the sad truth is? I have been thinking about hookers.

Last game, I threw 246 yards.

Let me guess.

Let's go see a feel good movie.

Let's talk turkey. What is it gonna take to give up the baby?

Libby dumped him. He thinks if she sees him acting mature, she'll take him back.

Likewise. I hear you're one of the best private detectives in town.

Lily's ours.

Listen, Mr Solis...

Look, I think we all know that Karl is a dog,

Look, I'm really sorry.

Look, man, it's OK if you like her.

Look, you don't have to worry about Peter. Not while he's with me.

Looks like you're doing a good job with her.

Lynette, get those mock ups together, will you?

Matthew and his mother have been protecting Caleb.

Maybe a little bit. [chuckles]

Mayer! Four on one!

Mm mm mm. "Nothing funny about those beautiful breasts."

Mmm!

Mom, please, I love him.

Mom...

Mrs Van De Kamp's gonna call the police.

My mom would never let strangers take care of him.

Nah, my bar brawling days are over.

Needless to say, the agreement between us is off.

No pun intended. [chuckles]

No, Ed Ferrara doesn't pay for sex.

No, he did not say.

No, I mean, I really didn't mean it.

No, it doesn't have to be.

No, ma'am, you don't understand.

No, no, no, no, no!

No, no, no, that's a mistake.

No, no, no... I am not letting that idiot use my baby as a bargaining chip!

No, no. I'm good.

No, not really.

No, you can't go! You can't...

No!

No!

No! I am not doing this for you!

No! We've been feeding her,

No.

No. I'm his other sponsor.

Not giving in to your urges.

Not only would that guy get kicked off the team

Not sure I know him. Should ask my wife. She organised the party.

Now let's go home.

Now, look, if we...

Oh, crap.

Oh, for God sakes, Gabby.

Oh, God.

Oh, God. I almost forgot about that.

Oh, I see.

Oh, I'm Dale. Dale Helm. I'm the baby's birth father.

Oh, I'm just saying that Karl screwed us both.

Oh, it's still a little red, but I think I got all the hot sauce out.

Oh, look, the baby's doing something really cute.

Oh, man, we were wasted 24l7.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, the honeymoon thing.

Oh, well, hi, Dale. Nice to meet you.

Oh, wow. She's got my eyes.

Oh, you know, I've gotta go. I have a meeting.

Oh, your A.A. sponsor?

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh. Uh...

OK, I gotta go take this. You keep going cos you're doing great.

OK, I'm gonna be exhausted, so I'll probably just lay there.

OK, just do the right thing and sign the release form.

OK!

OK.

OK.

OK.

OK.

OK. I'm the one who hasn't been happy then.

Once the stairs are repaired, I'll show you the basement.

Or can I finally have dinner at home with my wife?

Or someplace worse!

Over the years, Karl had dumped dozens of women,

Perfectly. You did great.

Peter, it's Bree, are you in there?

Peter, let me be your rock.

Peter?

Phenobarbital?

Put Caleb in an institution. It's where he belongs.

Put this ham in the fridge, will you? I think I'll make it for dinner.

Really? Did he say who it was?

Really? Why?

Rex said he'd always be faithful.

Right down to the personalised stationary.

Sex Addicts Anonymous.

She feels really bad.

She gets mad.

She just spit in your wings.

She told me she'd be sad if you left and didn't say goodbye.

She was so mad she locked herself in the bathroom and called a divorce lawyer.

She won't get mad.

She's a lust trigger. A lust trigger!

She's a man eating, scum sucking ho bag!

She's a slutty, slutty whore. Absolutely.

She's gonna act like she doesn't want you to kiss her.

She's never too young to start accessorising.

She's our baby!

She's our...

Shouldn't be too difficult, if I look hard enough.

Signed, sealed, delivered.

So as long as you're honest with me,

So I got some rates on some mental hospitals around here.

So my point is, do the right thing, and no one gets hurt.

So see you in the morning.

So since I have such strong self control,

So when he decided to break up with Edie Britt,

So why do you want to be a dad?

So you can't take her away! It's too late!

So, uh, when we leave...

So, um, you know the other day,

So, what do you think? Are you staying late again,

So, what the hell are we gonna do?

So, what's the big deal?

So?

Start packing.

Susan got fooled again.

Taking care of people is what I do best.

Thank you. Thank you for having my back.

Thanks.

Thanks. Well, I'm gonna go back in my office

That is her. That is the one that Karl is in love with.

That usually accompanied such callous and unexpected departures.

That were downright sinful.

That you're good and kind and smart.

That's good.

That's it. I just kind of blocked.

That's the one thing you can depend on with addicts.

The answer is "no."

The bad news is that sometimes

The birth mother can still change her mind.

The courage to change the things I can

The good news for those who utter these words

The guy's a ticking bomb.

The house just sold.

The man upstairs has definitely been on your side,

The power of the prayer comes from its insight into human nature.

Then what would you think of me?

There's a meeting over on Tenth Street. You go there.

There's more to it than that.

There's really no reason for us to end our friendship.

These are your glory days! A baby would ruin your life.

They'd throw him in a straitjacket and drug away what's left of his mind.

They're always coming up with excuses to justify being a home wrecker.

They're weak.

Things are just getting started.

This is all you are to Peter. Something to satisfy his addiction.

This is Claude. He's my sponsor.

This is our baby!

This one, I got the day I found out Karl was doing it with his secretary.

This represents 12 months of hard work,

Those butt wads!

To accept the things we cannot change...

To help him avoid all the unnecessary drama.

To people faced with circumstances they don't want to accept.

Truly, a man could beg and plead all day long,

Try and stop me. Peter does everything I tell him to do.

Try it.

Tuition's a killer these days. I could help you out.

Uh uh uh! Mm mm.

Uh...

Uh... sure.

Uh... well, I hope that helped.

Uh... well, um...

Uhh.

Um, basically, I just want you to trail my ex.

Unfortunately for Karl...

Until the adoption is legally finalised,

Until we get a straight answer from the birth father.

Until you're trembling."

Waking up in a stranger's bed every morning,

Was about to force a fumble.

Was taught that his future was safely in God's hands.

We ask God to grant us the serenity

We can take him to the lawyer's office,

We have a bond, Susan.

We have a court order to take the Collins baby into custody.

We have been here a million times. You should see the way she flirts.

We have paperwork. The birth father signed away his rights.

We made plans. Remember?

We think so, but we're a little biased.

We're not presenting for weeks. Why not start tomorrow?

We've already fallen in love with her!

We've been hiding a murderer.

Well, aren't you the Renaissance man.

Well, cravings are cravings. All you really need is a friend to call

Well, I am sorry, but the Peter I know has a little more...

Well, I guess I'll have to find cause.

Well, I have been doing some thinking, and here's a thought:

Well, I just wanna help. So how about that movie?

Well, if you were in trouble, I could handle it.

Well, so we're gonna give the whole family thing a shot.

Well, that's not your life anymore.

Well, um, why don't we get you out of here?

Well, we do the best we can, given the circumstances.

What about a car? Or college?

What are you doing here?

What are you doing? You can't be here!

What are you suggesting? Hookers?

What do you want me to say?

What he didn't know was that Gabrielle Solis

What kind of terms?

What my life was like.

What the hell is this?

What would my responsibilities be, you know, under the law?

What would you say?

What?

What's all this?

What's going on?

When I go home tonight, Tom and I are going to...

When I said it, I really didn't mean it.

When I said that thing about us being sisters?

When Karl dumped you, I thought that it was all your fault.

When she comes back, I'm gonna shove this pitcher in her perky mug,

When you start having inappropriate thoughts,

Where's your chip? Give it to me.

Which is crazy cos, if you knew me, I don't do that! I don't do that.

Which, obviously, I don't know, because how would I know?

Who are you to tell me I haven't been happy, you miserable son of a bitch?

Who Karl just took advantage of.

Why are you being so nice to me?

Why don't I be your sponsor?

Why God had forsaken him.

Why would you tell my wife to bite my nipple off?

Would you like some milk with your cookies?

Yeah, 300 pound sopranos seducing balding tenors.

Yeah, and it hurt like hell then too.

Yeah, apparently, he was seeing someone.

Yeah, I figured that...

Yeah, I kind of figured that.

Yeah, I saw what you were just about to do.

Yeah, I see that now.

Yeah, I talked to her about that.

Yeah, I'm just really not into the whole reading thing.

Yeah, jingles for oatmeal, not soft core porn.

Yeah, uh, the thing about that is

Yeah, you do. You said goodbye to her yet?

Yeah? Why is that?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah. Um, out of wedlock.

Yes, and in that time I've come to learn

Yes, I'm aware of that.

Yes, ma'am.

Yes, of course I do.

Yes, she needs the bonnet. It completes the outfit.

Yes! Why would you want to come to a place like this?

Yes?

Yes.

Yes.

Yes. Like you wouldn't believe.

You call me after.

You can't be turned on by what's going on out there, it's...

You can't leave me alone here. You have to think of something.

You can't make my husband your scapegoat. I won't let you.

You can't take her! You can't take her!

You did it on purpose.

You don't even want to be a mother!

You don't have to be resigned to it.

You don't have to worry about that. I'm positive it's her. Who else could it be?

You don't know squat about sex addiction.

You got my back?

You have no idea, the kind of depravity that comes with this disease.

You keep your noses up, you stay out of trouble,

You know how I like to heal?

You know what?

You know, Ed, I don't want to pry into your personal business,

You know, get the old juices flowing again.

You know, I could go to the police myself.

You know, I think she might even want you to give her a little kiss.

You know, probably it would be a vulnerable, lonely woman

You listen! We were granted custody. If you want her, you talk to the judge!

You must be Edie. Pleasure to meet you.

You never know what people are doing behind your back.

You obviously have an encyclopaedic grasp of everything depraved,

You really wanna help me?

You sure she needs that? I just put sunscreen on her.

You would've spared yourself the walk of shame back to the kitchen.

You'll be amazed at what I can put up with.

You'll find this particularly helpful.

You're an award winning copywriter.

You're an embarrassment to me. Give.

You're getting divorced?

You're his security blanket. He stays, you stay.

You're not here for a bear claw.

You're too important here. I'm gonna fire Tom.

You're trying to take our baby! How is it not gonna be ugly?

You're wasting your time.

"Are you joking?" Uh...

[Carlos] Gabby, wait! You!

[clears throat] Well, it's a good thing he's here.

[Danielle screaming] [crashing]

[door shuts] I'm sorry I'm late.

[Edie whimpering] What's going on?

[music playing] [chattering]

[music playing] [chattering]

[phone ringing] Bad news.

[screams] [crash]

And what is she? Come on, don't do this, man.

and when she's... Let's not make a scene.

Are we done here, princess? Not yet.

Blocked? I don't know what else to say.

Danielle! I just... I love you so much,

Dumb ass! She seems clean.

Ed wants you in the conference room. You're kidding!

Hello? [music in background]

I do what I can. Well, come on in, let's talk.

I'm not just gonna kidnap it. They did!

I'm sorry. Get the hell out of my shop.

I'm sorry. What's going on?

It doesn't look right. OK, no, no, wait.

it's just all so passionate. [laughs]

Just... Wha?

Like hell! Mrs Solis. Can I see the baby?

Looks like it's Daddy's turn. I got her.

Mrs Solis? Yes?

No! No!

No! What?

OK, that's good. Then what? Then...

Peter... Bree,

Really? Yeah.

She's sleeping. Like an angel.

Spring break, right? Yeah.

Thanks, Jer. Sure.

That explains all our working hours. You lucked out, Scavo.

That'd be hot. You making fun of me? Huh?

The birth mother is protesting. What?

Then why did you propose to me? I don't know.

They're in as much trouble as he is. I don't care.

Well, we just love it. Yeah.

What are you doing, Frank? It's his baby. Give it to him!

What is the hold up? They told me I gotta talk to a judge.

What? Oh, he's right.

What're you doing here? Are you using? No.

What's going on here? Claude?

Who's the pretty girl? [doorbell rings]

Would you calm down? Don't tell me what to do!

Yes, it is. Beautiful.

You are going to pay! [whistle blowing]

You're gonna fire me? No, of course not.

... information.

... might be a woman.

... to be entertained.

... when faced with an impossible choice.

..."Too little, too late, bitch," and then I'd kick her.

...and the wisdom to know the difference.

...God was in the mood... [groans]

...the courage to change the things we can...

...then I should go and let you get started with that.

...who are you gonna miss the most?

...you were a nag or bad in bed.

"He wouldn't have been with me if he was getting it at home."

"Hell, yeah. First,

"I love the way that blouse clings to your body."

"I'd like to lick you from head to foot"?

"Let's be honest with ourselves. We haven't been happy in a long time."

"Oh, yeah, I'll bite you good."

"Yeah? What did you want to do to me?"

"You're the love of my life. She's just the runner up."

[alarm buzzing]

[all] God's team! God's team! God's team! God's team!

[Betty] Like I said, we have been very happy here,

[blows whistle]

[chattering, laughing]

[cheering]

[chip clatters]

[chuckles] No, I'm not.

[chuckles] OK, well, that wasn't my best work. But you can't deny results.

[chuckles] That guy. We were wondering about him. The bathroom's there.

[chuckling]

[chuckling] "I'm on my way."

[chuckling] "Oh, yeah!"

[chuckling] There's even a pretty one and an ugly one.

[clears throat] "Touch every inch of your body

[computer rings]

[computer rings]

[cooing]

[door opens]

[door opens]

[door shuts]

[engine sputtering]

[engine sputtering]

[engine starts]

[exhales]

[gasping]

[gasps] Oh, my God!

[giggling]

[groaning, screaming]

[groans]

[groans] Get in, you moron.

[grunts]

[gunshot]

[hits keys loudly]

[inhales] Mm.

[laughing]

[laughs]

[laughs]

[laughs]

[laughs] You gotta be kidding.

[Lynette groans]

[Mary Alice] As he sat there, Karl couldn't help but wonder

[Mary Alice] Dale Helm, like all of the students at Parsons Christian Academy,

[Mary Alice] Previously on Desperate Housewives:

[Mary Alice] The members of the Fairview chapter of A.A.

[Mary Alice] There is a prayer intended to give strength

[phone beeps]

[phone ringing]

[sighs]

[silence]

[sobbing]

[sobbing] Carlos, do something!

[sobbing] Please!

[Tom] Jerry, can you help me get the kids?

[whimpering] Please.

[woman giggling]

[woman] Hey there.

[woman] Well, look, Frank quit using,