Desperate Housewives (2004) - Season 3 Edit

A date that ended with a kiss in the rain.

A date?

A guy had a bunch of them laid out on a blanket.

Actually, no, we haven't had sex yet.

All right, let's do this. I am just going to check the focus.

All right.

All right.

All right.

Alma? Are you home?

And a friendship slowly blossomed,

And describing, in vivid detail, her husband's affair with their maid,

And even the most troubling stains will have disappeared.

And for those really intractable stains,

And I love you.

And I'm just afraid that Nora's gonna blow a gasket.

And Ian was loving this company

And no one ever heard from her again. Not me, not her family.

And now the media room.

And Orson Hodge did not like to be contradicted.

And please pretend to be surprised. Bye.

And she decided it was time to fly away.

And tell me not to go out with him.

And the past six months have been really hard on me.

And then you lie about it. So now we're leaving.

And then...

And was now in a coma at Fairview Memorial Hospital.

And we take complete responsibility for whatever the pony does.

And when we make the announcement, please, everybody look surprised.

And, like most nosy neighbors,

Anybody home?

Anyway, he sort of asked me out,

Are you having a party?

At that same moment, Edie Britt was putting up a for sale sign

Baby, you gotta come down now. Mama's in a hurry.

Be a fool. Marry him.

Because he wanted to be alone with his grief.

Because I am your wife.

Because if it's not, I won't.

Because it meant I was free when I met you.

Because that is so not what I meant.

Because, as everyone knows,

Better for baby, remember?

Boy, those people just don't have a sense of humor, do they?

Bree?

Bree?

Bree.

Bree. The whole point of the party was to announce our engagement.

But he's really nice and...

But I didn't think she'd take it personally.

But I like doing it. I think Mike would want me to. Oops.

But I like to think I have learned from my mistakes.

But Kayla's gonna, you know, tell Nora that we had a party,

But she was pleased to see the rain had already taken care of that.

But there had better be a corner piece of cake waiting for me.

But when I saw you standing in front of the freezer in a clingy silk dress,

But when it does, it pours.

But you can buy my silence if you'll have coffee with me.

But you promised to get me apartment in Chinatown,

But you're gonna get married.

But, look, Kayla is having such a good time.

But, Orson...

Carolyn Bigsby. I was Orson's neighbor.

Carolyn.

Certainly, it began normally enough.

Come on out. I have your lunch.

Come on, Kayla. Go have some fun. Go have some fun.

Complete fabrication. Malicious lies spread by jealous competitors.

Did you lose something?

Do I still come first with you?

Doctor say I only get out of bed to pee.

Does she know you killed your wife?

Don't give me that We Are The World crap.

Don't go. I need you to rub my feet.

Don't know. But I wouldn't worry about it. I'm sure she's fine.

Don't let him fool you. Get away from him now while you can.

Don't worry about the water. The wood floors are laminated. Here's a flyer.

Don't you dare give me that attitude.

Edie had also planned to spruce up the property by washing down the driveway,

Engaged again? That was quick work.

Ever since a tragic horseback riding accident

Every storm brings with it hope

Everything will be made clean again

Excuse me.

Fair enough. Everything's OK. It's OK. Come on, guys. Come on back.

Fine. Fine. No, absolutely fine.

Fine. I'll be back at seven.

First, it's little drop bys, then she's inviting herself to dinner.

For others, new love will bloom...

For some, love will wither...

For the next three years,

Forgive me for being concerned about our surrogate.

Generous. That means he's good in the sack.

Get out. Get out, get out, get out.

Go? Go where?

Good luck trying to find one of those.

Good, good. All right.

Great, great.

Had been badly injured in a hit and run accident

Had left his wife, Jane, in a coma.

Haggling with lawyers on who gets the kid at Christmas.

Harvey and I thought we heard some raised voices. So where'd she go?

Has this country come to the point where you can't joke with the help?

He didn't say anything about rubbing your chubby stumps.

He shied away from all social contact

He thought Alma was happy.

Her family claimed not to have heard from her.

Here we go

Here, let me take half.

Hey, Gabby, it's Lynette. Got a little emergency here.

Hey, guys. Don't fight. It's the holidays.

Hey, Nora.

Hey, quick question. Have you by any chance seen Xiao Mei?

Hi, Jane.

Hi.

Hi. Can I help you?

Hi. Hi. Li Wang, right?

Honey, thank you for this.

Hope you get this message soon.

How about, "You're in the frame, bitch. Move. "

How charming to bring that up while I'm announcing my engagement.

How much of her crap do I have to put up with?

Hurry. Hurry.

I am putting you on the first plane to Shanghai.

I am really hungry.

I am the meanest person you know. You've been in this country a year.

I believe in minimizing the role of the state and maximizing individual rights.

I can't accept this.

I can't wait for you to pop out that baby, because when you do,

I didn't come here to celebrate.

I do. It's just that I can't help being cautious.

I don't wanna tell you not to be optimistic...

I found some streaks, so I'm wiping them down with undiluted red wine vinegar.

I got us something special from a wonderful little bakery downtown.

I have another child, Lynette.

I have had to wait hand and foot on your mistress.

I have to go.

I just can't help it. I like telling people.

I just must show it to you. Excuse us.

I know it's quick, but it just feels so right.

I know you are, Tom, and I know you love her.

I know, you're thrown. I was thrown, too.

I love you.

I love you.

I may have mentioned deportation,

I mean, there was no pain, per se. In fact, it wasn't entirely unpleasant.

I mean, we're talking shower doors,

I realize now it was the luckiest day of my life

I really sprang it on you out of nowhere.

I saw on the news, this woman in Peru woke up after ten years.

I think I might have had a small stroke.

I think she'll be over here in ten minutes.

I think this is a little stiff. I have a really fun idea.

I thought we...

I told her that we were picking up Kayla for a quiet afternoon at home.

I told them that Paul Young was in jail. They asked why. Conversation has a flow.

I tried to find her.

I use a fifty fifty mix of denatured alcohol and water.

I used to feel the same way.

I want my kid, Lynette.

I wanted to wait and make a proper announcement, but...

I will not have that lunatic ruining one more family gathering.

I will, I will. And I'll see you tonight.

I wipe on lacquer thinner with a towel.

I would love to, but I'm in a rush.

I would prefer if you weren't in it.

I wouldn't be surprised if someday you open a cabinet, and hello!

I'd like nothing better than for you to just wake up

I'll see you tomorrow.

I'm going to replay the look when I found out you hadn't banged him yet.

I'm gonna take a wild swing here. Were you having sex?

I'm just dropping off Carlos and then I'll be by to pick her up.

I'm so... I'm really, really sorry.

I'm sorry you had to endure that.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm supposed to meet my girlfriends for lunch. Is it one yet?

I'm telling you, at this number, it's not gonna last long.

I've been in mine a lot longer than you have.

I've been trying to unload this house for months. You are not helping.

I've got ten bucks here for the kid who can carry the most stuff, OK?

I've never heard of that.

Ian Hainsworth had been miserable

Ian, you know, from across the hall?

If you don't get back in your cage right now, I have to leave you behind. Please.

If you don't tell us, we're not coming.

If you ever should be, let me know.

If you know where she is, start talking,

If you look closely, it says Folex.

If you're not ready, I understand.

Imagine if the day after you found out about John Rowland,

In fact, we're just having a quiet afternoon at home.

Inside some crazy Chinese woman who stole half a chicken from my fridge.

Is it OK if we use your backyard?

It doesn't rain very often in the town of Fairview.

It is really just dinner.

It makes me feel... I don't know. It makes me feel like I'm starting over.

It means a lot to her to feel included.

It was just before noon...

It was on just such a day that Bree Van de Kamp

It would make me so happy if you took it.

It'll be better this way.

It'll be even nicer when they finish the construction.

It's a little weird, a family Christmas photo with your husband's love child.

It's beautiful.

It's been six months, but he could still come out of it, right?

It's gorgeous, just gorgeous.

It's not like you've never slept with a guy you weren't married to.

It's OK. I don't have to be in the picture.

Itch, itch, itch, itch, itch. Itch, itch, itch.

Jane looked cold.

John Rowland wasn't carrying our kid.

Just don't be surprised when you go missing, too.

Just dropped off the face of the earth.

Just like you.

Just like your ancestors.

Just so you know, my dream hasn't exactly...

Just wake up and tell me.

Karen, dear. Have you seen the marble backsplash?

Kayla, honey, we gotta go. They're kicking us out.

Kayla! Kayla, come out here now!

Let me show you the media room.

Let's just say, well, it challenged them.

Like the doubts over his innocence.

Like the scars of his betrayal.

Listen, I hope you saved room for dessert.

Look, we're both in difficult situations.

Luck can change, Bree. Let me change yours.

Lynette, I want my daughter.

Lynette.

Mama loves her baby. Does the baby love Mama?

Mama.

Maybe it'll be easier with the Applewhite house

Me? I'm gonna be stuck, a single mother raising a child alone,

Meanwhile, Lynette Scavo was busy

Meeting her husband's illegitimate daughter...

Misery loves company.

Mommy, they have a pinata.

More and more every day.

Movies then ice cream. An American tradition.

Ms. Van de Kamp, I think you may have had an orgasm.

My American dream is officially dead.

My only concern would be the neighborhood.

My wife left me.

No hands, see?

No problem. She's a great little girl. OK?

No sex at all? Not even...?

No, I didn't think so.

No, I just thought... for you...

No, no, no. You want in, you're gonna have to go through me.

No, no. This was much...

No, of course not.

No.

No. I was granted a divorce on grounds of abandonment.

Nora, look, I am sorry I lied, but, you know, you gave me no choice.

Nora... this is just for our family.

Not in that dress.

Not to sleep with the woman who's carrying our child!

Nothing against smoothies, but I wouldn't mind some real food sometime.

Nothing can wash them away.

Now she wants to be in our Christmas photo? That's not happening.

Now you've gotta check out this storage.

Now, can I get you some more ice cream?

Of course, she knew better than to say this to her husband.

Oh, are you kidding?

Oh, crap.

Oh, my God, I'm late.

Oh, my God, you're serious?

Oh, Orson.

Oh, um,

Oh!

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

OK, go on in. And the balloons.

OK, let's move, let's move.

OK, OK, I know, but what else could I do? I'm just thinking of Kayla.

OK, so we will see you Saturday.

OK.

OK.

OK. Bye.

OK. Thanks, Edie.

OK. That's it. Everybody's in.

On a date.

On the lawn of the house where I once lived.

Once that baby comes, her slate is wiped clean.

Ooh.

Oops.

Or I'll get the health department

Or the consequence of his mistake.

Or the memory of his kiss.

Orson is just the most warm, wonderful, generous man.

Orson, my hand.

Orson, no.

Orson, no.

Orson.

Personally, I think she was just trying to punish me.

Pick it up.

Pickles and soup? Who eats that?

Previously on Desperate Housewives:

Put Crazy at the end and we can crop her out later.

Remember me? Xiao Mei lives with me. You came over. We had lunch.

Rub them yourself.

She folded the towels just as he had taught her.

She had no idea this would be the day she'd leave her husband.

She hung his dry cleaning exactly as he had requested.

She knew you learned more if you didn't knock.

She put away the groceries per his instructions.

She sat down so quickly, I didn't know what to say.

She's gonna walk away, go off and live her American dream.

She's just a poor girl trying to live the American dream,

Shh! Quiet, quiet, quiet. No.

Since Rex, I haven't been exactly lucky in love.

So give me the strawberry.

So have you got the results of his latest MRI yet?

So I bought you this.

So I can work for my friend in restaurant, start a new life.

So if I hear from Alma, I'll let her know that you dropped by.

So she waited till he'd left for work.

So we wait for the storm to pass, hoping for the best...

So what I need is...

So you asked us to a meal to announce another meal?

So, I need to ask you something.

So, I was thinking about how that sounded just now, the date thing.

So, is something wrong?

So, the dinner is at 8:00.

So... are you still married?

Some stains are so indelible,

Something awful happened on Lakeview Drive last year.

Sort of.

Stop saying that. I know exactly where it is.

Sure am.

Sure. But for tougher spots,

Tell it to my Chinese friend, Sue Me.

Ten seconds.

Thank you, Lynette.

Thank you.

Thanks.

That is so adorable. But I don't think I can eat another bite.

That risotto was perfect.

That somehow, by morning,

That warm sensation, that tingling feeling of relief when it's over.

That woman's uterus is harboring a stolen baby.

That, when Alma Hodge awoke that morning,

That's 'cause it was an orgasm.

That's so Bree of you.

That's the Christmas spirit that I was looking for.

The buffet is open.

The coffee machine was broken, so I got smoothies.

The kids are so bored. We were thinking of taking them out for ice cream.

The next day, Carolyn Bigsby stopped by.

The police found her severed fingers in the garage.

The thing is, I'm sort of lonely

Then it was like something inside ruptured.

Then one day he met Susan Mayer,

There's a doctor fondling a patient on the operating table.

There's a reason that made the news.

There's no place in Fairview that's more peaceful.

They asked why the owner was selling.

They make everything clean again...

This happened just after Susan Mayer learned Mike Delfino

This is a little sudden, isn't it?

This is what rainy days are good for.

This occurred just as Gabrielle Solis was conferring

Those are for potential buyers, you withered old mooch.

To be honest, I thought that you were lying and having a party.

To take a closer look at what you're serving as moo shu pork.

To understand why, you need to know

To work as a slave in a rice paddy.

Tom, could I check your tie again?

True, I have, in the past, given myself away too freely.

Trust me. I know what I'm doing.

Uh huh. After the movies.

Uh huh. What are you doing there?

Uh uh. You said ice cream.

Wake up. Please.

Want me to walk you to your car?

Was just as miserable as he was.

Waves of this hot, clutching...

We can just have fun. Could you excuse me for one second?

We didn't say that Kayla couldn't be in the photo.

We do have people in the hospital who could do that.

We had a bit of a row.

We had a coffee date this morning. She never showed.

We like the neighborhood, but some odd things have gone on with this house.

We really need a quiet place for our retirement.

We're out, but I got you a pickle.

We're sorry. We shouldn't have done it.

We're waiting until we get married.

We've only known each other six months, but I've loved you every minute of it.

Welcome, welcome.

Well, come on in. Let's dry you off and get you a drink.

Well, first you have a party and you don't invite me.

Well, how long until you can do another one?

Well, I thought we agreed we wanted our wedding night to be perfect.

Well, I wanted to invite you to a dinner Orson and I are having this Saturday.

Well, I'll be darned.

Well, in that case, thank you for my cheap knockoff.

Well, it's a family photo, right?

Well, it's a very elegant club. Orson's been a member here for years.

Well, knock it off.

Well, not so much a rupture as a spasm.

Well, that sounds just... That sounds great.

Well, that's a shame. I've gotta go hoist a pinata.

Well, then, let's go to the blood bank and swipe some sugar cookies.

Well, wait a minute. Hold on, hold on, hold on, Kayla.

Well, would you tell Kayla that Mommy called to check on her?

Went on her first date with her new friend, Orson Hodge,

What are you trying to do to me, you backstabbing cow?

What do you say, Bree? Will you marry me?

What is going on?

What were you doing at the time?

Whatever you're alluding to, no.

When Alma left me, I was shattered.

Where are my crackers?

Where did everybody go?

Where everything can get so messy.

Where the hell's the pony? OK, guys. Come on, come on, come on!

Where's the cake?

Where's the damn party?

White gloves. Are we having luncheon in the 1880s?

Who also happened to be their surrogate.

Who, because of her own tragedy,

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. What happened to that famous Chinese hospitality?

Why don't we all just have some cake and we can...? Lynette.

Why else do you think I'm willing to put up with all this?

Why I'll say to my college roommates,

With her new divorce lawyer

With no air conditioning and no cable?

Would you rather go live with Mr. Solis in a dingy one bedroom apartment

Wow, we certainly devoured that ice cream.

Wow. Um,

Wow. We weren't expecting you until seven.

Xiao Mei is going to be fine.

Xiao Mei said you threatened to send her back to China

Xiao Mei, your favorite soap is on.

Xiao Mei?

Xiao Mei?

Xiao Mei?

Xiao Mei's fine. Crisis averted. No harm, no foul.

Yeah, well, you know what? If I'm not your family, then she's not your family.

Yeah, you know, like a date.

Yeah. There's a lovely little bistro down the street.

Yes, but actors want opening night to be perfect. That's why they rehearse.

Yes, I will marry you, Orson.

Yes, Orson Hodge was a man who did not like to be contradicted...

Yes, you did.

Yes?

Yes.

Yoo hoo!

You always come first with me.

You are meanest person I know.

You didn't just crack that veneer again?

You don't have to wash those. I already did them.

You endangered the life of our baby today.

You gave me permission.

You had to make his lunch and rub his feet.

You have no idea what I've been going through.

You invited Kayla to Parker's birthday party?

You invited Kayla to Parker's birthday party?

You just keep doing your job, and I'll keep doing mine.

You met him.

You might think I'm naive, but I know he's coming back to me.

You might wanna give Jane a sponge bath. She had a little accident.

You tell me. I noticed you're always rushing into the hall to check the time,

You told someone else?

You treat me like dirt.

You treat Xiao Mei like dirt.

You were mysterious on the phone. Why did you want to have lunch?

You wouldn't buy a car without at least taking it for a little test drive.

You're gonna be on all fours in a rice paddy before the epidural wears off.

You're missing it.

You're not gonna believe what you can fit in here.

You've got some nerve showing your face here. Get out.

Your wife... disappeared?

and that rec room in the basement. Get out.

And? What did you tell Nora?

Are you Bree Van de Kamp? Yes. And you are?

Are you crazy? It was banter.

Better? Yes.

But if you don't share my feelings... No, no, um...

Can I get you anything else? You tell me.

Carolyn? I was just looking for Alma.

Do I know you? Orson Hodge. Susan's dentist friend.

Do the nurses know you do this? Oh, hey.

Edie? Do you have a moment, please? Yes. Yes, yes, yes.

Hello? Hey, Lynette, it's me.

Hello? Hey, Nora.

Hey, sexy mama. That's cute.

Hey, sexy mama. That's cute.

Hi, hi, hi, hi. Hi.

How severe were the pains? That's the odd thing.

I can't believe you lost our baby. I did not lose our baby.

I don't do that. Why not?

I guess I was wrong. Oh, apology accepted.

I guess I'll see you later, Nora. Well, I'm taking Kayla.

I just assumed, now we're engaged... Does that change our core values?

I mean, I hope that's OK. Yeah.

I'll be back in 20 minutes. Gonna go buy a pinata?

I'm a Republican. I'm a Libertarian.

I'm afraid there was no change. Oh.

I'm not being coy. She said, coyly.

I'm so sorry I'm late. No, that's fine.

Is Kayla ready yet? Just a sec.

It feels good. Feels good to me, too.

Just a little get together. What are you being so coy about?

Let me have one. Here you go.

Let me see. You move fast.

Lynette... No, I am sorry.

Maybe we could go to a restaurant. You mean outside the hospital?

Modify your nouns, damn it. What a bitch.

No, no, no. I've had orgasms before. How would you describe them?

No. I'm not telling. Where's the party?

Nora. Lynette.

Of course. And?

Oh, no. And they never found Felicia's body.

Oh, no. What?

Orson and I are engaged. Oh, my gosh.

Orson, what is she talking about? Didn't tell you that part, did he?

Orson. Mmm?

Please leave my house. Fine.

Settle down. Come on!

So where's Kayla? Tom took the kids to the movies.

Still, I... Please.

Susan... Don't say it.

Thank you for that. Sure.

They had strawberry and strawberry. I hate strawberry.

They're sore. And doctor say... Cut it out, Xiao Mei.

This is too extravagant. It's nothing.

Uh, Alma left yesterday. Left?

What? So, what are you saying?

What's the occasion? Oh, um, no occasion.

Yeah! Yeah! Guys.

You can't possibly think that... No, of course not.

You did not just do that. I hate pickles.

You know, that's all I got. Ever heard of a store?

You lied? Damn straight, I lied.

You scare the hell out of me, baby. Thank you.

You think she bought it? No.

You weren't supposed to see that. Clearly.

You're more afraid of Nora than of me? Is that what you think I meant?

You've made your little scene. You keep your hands off me.

...by anyone.

...even though we know in our hearts

...I could sort of use someone to talk to...

...I need to know if it's OK with you if I go out with him.

...that may never arrive.

...two... three...

...when something inside Alma broke

...which is necessary on a street like Wisteria Lane,

...while others will wait for love.

...while resisting the urge to strangle the girl's mother.

...who also talks back.

"That's my husband's love child and her mother in our Christmas picture. "