Saturday Night Live - Season 1 Edit

A compound of powerful anti arthritic spantials and antihistamines,

A film by Albert Brooks.

A finely honed bonded platinum instrument,

A good job,

A middle class American hypocrite on His dashboard.

A pockmark on the neck of midtown Manhatten.

A radically new concept in family insurance coverage.

A security technique.

A wonderful family...

ABC is veteran approved by the Federal Board of Public Instruction

Abrupt weather changes can add discomfort.

Actually, uh, I'm I'm in advertising.

After this commercial message.

Ah, there you are.

Ah! Well, uh...

Aids in soothing muscles and liberating stiff, painful joints.

Airport surveillance

Albert Brooks, the Muppets,

Alert Secret Service agents seized his handkerchief

All different sizes. There are no two leaves that same.

All right people, let's bring you out of the suburbs and into the city.

All right.

All the time.

Almost perfect, yet not quite the superlative groom.

Although "The Impossible Truth" airs what it must,

And a good example, a better example of our

And all the wine you can drink, man.

And another thing people, please, two points I'd like to make here.

And as you know the principal is counting on us winning the cup.

And ask him about our "New Dad" policy,

And comedians, Valri Bromfield,

And diesel mechanics, to name but a few,

And even the amazing picture phones of the future.

And every park is different!

And everyone who took part in this.

And EVERYTHING He has ever MADE...

And finally the highly acclaimed twinblade cartridge.

And get into the end zone,

And get me a tomato.

And I hope that New Orleans will be easier to deal with than Cairo.

And I love her for it.

And I love her.

And I say just don't ask me to wear your shoes.

And I think it already is,

And I want you to answer me quite honestly.

And I would not be sensible and sane

And I'd like to keep them looking lovely and crisp.

And I'll be hosting the NBC Saturday Night show next week.

And I'm President of Trojan Horse Home Security.

And if God is like us, I think perhaps

And it makes you walk straight and feel better,

And let's not go down and nail lifts onto the natives' feet.

And listen to me, something really great.

And me only!

And my ex partner, Art Garfunkel,

And now we return to "Bee Hospital."

And now,

And now, a scene from next week's episode of "Bee Hospital."

And now, Billy Preston,

And now, comedienne Valri Bromfield!

And now, here's Andy Kaufman!

And people I need a lot of silence in this room if I'm going to talk.

And still has enough energy to give me the attention I need

And thanks for joining us live.

And the jar you put them in isn't marked.

And they run you through the model home, and,

And they're not the kind that says "Joe's Vitamins" on the side.

And third, He is all powerful.

And this is the time of year when there's both, you know?

And wanna thank all the guests, of course.

And we do go for that, don't we? We kinda buy that.

And welcome to "Victims of Shark Bite."

And when I get a headache, I get, uh...

And when I get hungry, I get a headache.

And wonder if they're dead yet?

And wrestled it to the ground.

And you don't the whole big jumbo thing on the road,

And you have a whole lot,

And,

And, in football, they have the clip, the hit, the block,

And, yesterday, in Washington,

And, you, Mr. Kromer, have the perfect right

Andy Kaufman.

Angry?

Are you ready?

Arthritis in the adult is painful,

Arthritis is particularly annoying

As a sought after, high paid stand by operator!

As you know, they search you pretty well at the airport

As you know, they search your bags, to make sure there's no weapons.

At a press conference Thursday night,

At the end of a long day.

At the Inn, you know, out by the airport there.

Aw, sweetheart, I'm tired.

AWRIGHT

AWRIGHT. YA READY?

Awwww, it's a worker!

Baby chick made its debut at 9:18 this morning,

Baseball has no time limit,

Baseball is pastoral.

Baseball is played in the park.

Baseball is played on an ever widening angle

Because football represents something we are,

Because He's like us, and we're not perfect.

Because Jesus has a statue of

Because you'll believe anything.

Because you're all basically the same person.

Become a stand by operator! Call now for free booklet!

Before it's too late.

Blade number two

Blue on the vine, purple on the plate.

BUSINESS IS SLOW. I'LL TAKE 'EM.

BUSINESS, SPORTS OR PERSONAL?

Businesses of all types report a surge in activity.

But 3 stainless, platinum teflex coated blades

But I sure could listen to Janis Ian one more time.

But I'll describe him for 'ya!"

But if you want to lick it, it's a quarter.

But it appears to me as though you do have a left arm there.

But let's keep them back off the eyes, okay?

But subject to Physical Laws, possibly.

But that's carfare home!

But the airport is where they're kind of trying it out.

But this is extremely important evidence.

But what about their emotional and physical needs?

But you don't need it forever,

But you know, football wants to be the No. 1 sport,

But, keep the box pleat nice and neat.

But, uh, we are so conceited about this God concept,

By Goggles, the baby hippo born in captivity last Wednesday.

By just answering this phone call,

Call (311) 555 4425.

Calling for special relief.

Can't release her darts.

Can't you see a lynch mob going,

Catches and digs into the stubble before

Cause I am Ploobis!

Cause we are really cute.

Check this out. When you...

CHEER UP. THINGS COULD BE WORSE.

CHEER UP. THINGS COULD BE WORSE.

Chevy, I'm standing outside a room on the 15th floor of the Blaine Hotel,

Color co ordinated for fashionable surveillance.

Come here, you. Ohhh.

Come with us now...

Comes in avocado green.

Computer programming, motel management,

Concerns the birth of a baby sandpiper at the Washington Zoo.

Congratulations, Mr. Bee, it's a queen!

Congratulations! It's a drone!

Congratulations! It's a drone!

Congratulations! It's a worker!

Cooks great meals,

Could you kindly tell the court in your own words

Cuts cleanly through the whisker at its base,

Damn right I still drive!

Dateline, Washington.

Dedication ceremonies for the new Teamsters Union Headquarters building

Desperately need operators

Dial the phone and forget who you're calling?

Did you ever

Did you ever

Did you ever travel with vitamins?

Did you know that the recent glut of late night TV ads

DIED!!

DIS IS THE MIGHTY FAVOG.

Do you ever look at the crowds in old movies

Do you live in this area?

Do you take vitamins?

Don't say it if you don't mean it.

Don't sit down during the game.

Don't worry, don't worry.

Don't worry, folks, he won't hurt you! This is my assistant,

Don't you feel dumb?

Dress shields, dress shields, girls.

Easily fitted into your old twinblade holder.

Especially in my condition.

Eveniee.

Every one of them is the same size,

Every time I see a picture of God, He has knees and toenails, right?

Everything is the near future and the recent past.

Everything so far!!

Everything you need for the future,

Excuse me, ma'am.

Excuse me, Mr. Gresner,

Excuse me, sir.

Feeling better, and getting a firm grasp on the situation.

Feels good, doesn't it?

Fifty sixth and Madison.

Fine.

First down in Ohio

First of all, uh, He knows everything.

First of all, we're in our lovely gym togs

FOOD! See, I'm hungry.

Football is played in a stadium,

Football is played on an enclosed,

Football is rigidly timed,

Football is technological,

Football's a ground acquisition game.

Football's kinda nice,

For a little Simon & Garfunkel reunion.

For a live report, let's go to Laraine Newman

For instance, the TPFLM System.

For instance, where's your son, uh...

For so called training schools

For that, I paid two chickens?

For total protection in the bathroom,

Ford was on the campaign trail, announcing in Detroit

Former President Jimmy Hoffa

From our staff of experienced instructors.

From the bubbling tarpits to the sulfurous wasteland...

From the bubbling tarpits... to the sulfurous wasteland...

From the rotting forest to the stagnant mud flats...

From the rotting forest to the stagnant mud flats...

From the straight razor,

Furious?

Gentlemen, gentlemen.

George Carlin!

Get plenty of rest, go to the Y, eat right and,

Get your hands working again.

God and me are Arlene and Stanley."

God's will!"

Good eveniee.

Good evening, I'm Chevy Chase!

Good evening.

Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow.

Good...

Good...

Good...

Gotta go now, pal. Got a fare.

Green, red, I don't care. Ripe, unripe.

Ground acquisition. And that's what football is,

Guests of NBC Saturday Night stay at

Guys found it and smoked them, anyway!

Harvey, like myself, is a security expert.

Has created a demand for skilled phone answerers

Has occurred just over an hour ago.

Have a few words with you before the game.

Have a good game.

Have a package of bacon,

Have agreed to change places.

Have I done these jokes before tonight?

Have you ever tried to throw away an old wastebasket?

Have you got $499.99?

He can do anything.

He can hold you overnight while they check the vitamins.

He can throw a car right over a wall.

He can't even give 2 people the same fingerprints!

He can't help, it lady!

He gets the situation well in hand.

He is there! On the land! On the sea! In the air!

He knows absolutely everything.

He knows what I mean.

He might be subject to Physical Laws.

He never started and He's never gonna end.

He said "h how'd you like to, uh..."

He said,

He sends an angel. And the angel always flies in over a mountain.

He worked in the Army as a camouflauge artist,

He worked six days, then He took Sunday off.

He's batting .000!

He's had BILLIONS of years to work on some of this stuff!

He's infinite, and we can never understand Him,

He's just like us, He's a cool guy, that's all God is, a cool guy.

He's outside playing in the yard.

He's subject to Physical Laws!

He's the only one who can relieve my pain.

He's Vice President of Trojan Horse Security.

HERE IS THE ANSWER!

Here they come!

Here we have the sandwich sensitive hot plate laser.

Here, hang on to this chunk!

Here, here it is! Oh, it's gone, man.

Here, I'll show ya,

Here, if you could sign right here, we'll have the contract drawn up...

Here's another thing you hear at home, mostly guys say this,

Here's Billy Preston, with his new hit,

Here's how it works.

Here's your food, Ploobis!

Hey! Don't let life put you on hold!

Hi, I'm Phyllis Crawford,

Hi, there!

High potency vitamins found in other supplements.

His name is Harvey, Harvey Morgomaster.

Hmm.

Holy guacamole.

Honey, call the police! Do something!

Honey, I'm home!

Honey, we were saving that money!

How about these rec room search lights,

How about these rec room search lights,

How are you doing?

How can He let people suffer?"

How effective that was in stopping you?

HOW MANY IN YOUR PARTY?

How many of you have heard this in your home,

How much would you pay to keep your family safe?

How secure are your foodstuffs?

How...

I always wondered how they get 'em so bright

I am the police!

I broke into your home tonight to show you just how vulnerable

I can't find blue food,

I can't find the flavor of blue!

I CAN'T GO OUT THERE!!

I can't help it

I can't keep anything nice in this house."

I can't read yet.

I can't, I ...

I cast a lot of people, you know, like yourself.

I could take over a plane with a piece of looseleaf paper, right?

I didn't know what it was at first,

I do.

I do.

I don't even know what I'm talking about,

I don't have time to worry about your food.

I don't know about you

I don't know how you do it

I don't know what my problem is.

I don't look like a comedian, do I?

I get mildly annoyed when I don't have food.

I got a problem.

I have to hop around on one foot, I'm an invalid...

I heard that!

I hope you'll see it. Bye bye.

I hope you'll watch.

I know I know that my entire state is

I know these streets like the back of my hand.

I know this is very difficult for you

I mean, green is lime, yellow is lemon, orange is orange, red is cherry.

I mean, if He's God, why doesn't He show up?

I mean, supernatural?

I mean, that implies that you're traversing over a phyical space.

I might be, anyway. Hi, Mr. and Mrs. Kromer.

I said, especially in my condition.

I saw that movie where that guy had his leg bit off...

I sell a complete range of home and garden security devices.

I take Jamitol every day.

I think God may not be perfect.

I think His work shows that.

I think I'm just going to have another glass

I think it's not surprising that the football advise and...

I used to be an armored truck mechanic,

I want to talk you, Mrs. Kromer. My briefcase please, Harvey.

I was just on my way to The Mighty Favog,

I was swimming about fifty yards offshore from

I'd be happy to, Phyllis. Uh...

I'd like to have a few words with you. Okay, okay, people.

I'll be forced to clear this courtroom.

I'll be joined by Randy Newman, Phoebe Snow,

I'll see to it immediately, your grossness.

I'll take my vitamin.

I'm fully qualified to make you feel secure.

I'm going to ask you a question now.

I'm going to ask you to help me in a small demonstration,

I'm gonna ask you a question, Mr. Kromer,

I'm having tremendous difficulty releasing my darts.

I'M HERE EVERY DAY!

I'm just not in the swing of things. You see...

I'm kinda glad that we're on at night,

I'm Paul Simon,

I'm with "The Impossible Truth",

I've got a scar here where my sister pushed me off a porch...

I've got some hairnets here. "oohhh" yourselves!

I've got team captain Debbie here would like to

I've had, uh...

I've learned how to shave with my right hand, and eat with one hand...

If a policeman really wants to give you a hard time,

If I didn't tell ya I got a brand new album this week.

If I had it, yeah.

If I think I can?!

If we have our lawn mined,

If you could go into your kitchen right now,

If you need it for a while,

If you think you can.

In a fit of pique, the Mayor has called the Blaine Hotel

In a sweeping majority vote,

In an unprecedented move to ease world tensions,

In baseball, the object is to go home!

In baseball, they have...

In baseball, you make an error, whoops!

In baseball, you wear a cap.

In football, you get a penalty,

In football, you wear a helmet,

In Leeber City, Arizona.

In midtown Manhatten, at the Blaine hotel. Laraine?

In only six weeks,

In the dawn of civilization,

In the event of a radioactive firestorm,

Inflamed tissues can cause local swelling,

Instead of having Him looking out and watching for traffic,

Introducing the Triple Trac.

Is like a lift in your shoe.

Is not on the menu.

Is this a French film I'm living in, people?

Is your family completely covered?

It had deliberately lowered the top of the doorway.

It has the chance to snap back and injure you,

It was God's will!

It was high tide, and, all of a sudden, I felt this sharp,

It was my leg!

It will be an even property exchange.

It would depend on who the person...

It would explain a lot of things.

It would explain why He always has to send an angel as a messenger.

It's a drone! It's a drone!

It's a little complicated, but we do kinda believe that.

It's a queen!

It's a ten cent stamp,

It's a toothy surprise for the thief who craves relief, Mr. Kromer.

It's a worker?

It's already Sunday, and it's God's day OFF!!

It's alright.

It's God's will!

IT'S GONNA COST YA.

It's His one day off, and THAT'S the day

It's just someone I'm talking to here.

It's like Military Intelligence, the words don't go together, man.

It's nice to see you, welcome,

It's on the way. It's still in the future.

It's Saturday Night!

It's the first such birth in captivity on record.

It's true.

Jamitol.

Janis Ian, Billy Preston,

Japan Emperor Hirohito met

Jesus on the dashboard,

Jim Henson's Muppets,

Jumped right up into the baby shoes that time.

Just a second, I lost my place.

Just for that little extra neatness.

Just hold it at the stewardess's neck and threaten paper cuts!

Just how you became a victim of shark bite?

Just two chickens.

Just wanna thank you all for having some live fun with us.

Just when did this incident take place?

Kind of self centeredness, when it comes to God.

King of all I survey.

Ladies and gentlemen,

Laraine Newman, reporting.

LAY 'EM ON YOUR GOD!

Leaving your face as smooth as a billiard ball.

Let go of it, would you?

Let me ask you something...

Let us begin.

Let's put it this way, there are things about

LIKE I SAID, CHEER UP, THINGS COULD BE WORSE.

Like the woman who swims 24 hours a day every day of her life.

Live from New York,

Lonely, and sometimes difficult to manage.

Long before the Bronze Age,

Look at yourself in store windows when you're walking past the stores?

Look, Mr. Kromer,

Looking forward to heat without humidity.

Lower the age of consent from 18 to 7.

Makes me take it, too.

Makes studded leather vests at our own boutique,

Man first began his search for the close shave.

Maybe He's only a, uh,

Medical, your grossness.

Melded together to form one incredible shaving cartridge,

Mickey Mouse at Disneyland this week.

Mighty Mouse will join the fight.

Mister Trouble never hangs around

Mm hm.

Mmmm.

More than twice the iron and

Mr. and Mrs. Kromer,

Mr. Bee!

Mr. Bee?

Mr. Gresner, would you tell our audience

Mr. Gresner, you do have a leg there, it's tucked under your other leg.

Mr. Martin Gresner from Long Island, New York.

Mrs. Kromer, say, a criminal entered your kitchen

Mrs. Kromer, would you want to be sexually assaulted in your own kitchen?

Ms. Davis,

Murder at the Blaine Hotel again.

My advisor,

My business partner,

My charming wife Peuta

My companion,

My first guest,

My left arm felt numb.

My leg! He bit my leg off, see?

My name is Kenny Vorstrather,

My summer home in Mattatuck, Long Island.

My wife

My wife.

NBC's Saturday Nights,

New York cab driver, temporarily blinded,

Next,

Next,

NEXT!

Next...

No buildings will be moved.

No question about that.

No wonder we can't get anything together,

No, don't call the police.

No, Mr. Gresner, that's your sleeve.

NO!

No.

Non habit forming,

Nope! It's gone, see? Shark bit it off! Nothing there!

Not just financially, but in every way?

Not just two blades in one system,

Now I must have order please or

Now obviously what he said was too upsetting for her to repeat.

Now since this evidence is so extremely important,

Now with the new childproof safety cap.

Now, ABC, the Academy of Better Careers,

Now, people,

Now, please, Ms. Davis.

Now, some religions, which are not to be confused with God.

Now, today we have a big volleyball game ahead of us, people,

Now, world leaders in the news,

Objection. Heresay.

Of course, we only do it ten yards at a time.

Of diet root beer and go to bed, okay?

Offers you the chance to become one of these

Oh Favog, I offer you two chickens. It's all I've got!

Oh, and people,

Oh, honey!

Oh, I'd say maybe... three, four months ago.

Oh, Mighty Favog, it's medical.

Oh, Mighty Favog!

Oh, Mighty Favog!

Oh, no. Of course not.

Oh, okay, but phooey, anyway.

Oh, Ploobis,

Oh, thank you, sire.

Oh, that's good. And yet you still drive?

Oh, that's very nice.

Oh, we have a fridge.

Oh, well, this says that I'm in charge of casting.

Oh, well... if you take a lot of vitamins,

Oh.. there's a moment... coming.

Ohh... what would please your flatulence?

Okay, let the kid go. I'm glad you decided.

Okay, okay.

Okay, people now...

Okay, shut up.

Okay, so the most important thing we have to do is

Okay, so we're going to have a game and everything, I guess,

Okay? Debbie?

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

On January 1st, 1977.

On the sea or on the land

Once again,

Once again, grizzly death and murder in the Blaine Hotel.

One humourous note,

Only joking, only kidding,

Only we offer the crisper crust self detonating fragmentation toaster.

Operators are standing by to take your call.

Or I wouldn't be wearing these things!

Or is it?

Or the genius with an I.Q. of over 240.

Or the man who can eat a thousand eggs.

Or there's handy

Or you can become permanently disabled.

Or,

Or, one million dollars?

Our experts will show you everything you need to know

Our final story tonight

Our top story tonight,

Ow, ow, ow, ow!

Painting the insides of payroll vaults.

Pay him the chickens.

People people, please please, people people, am I in a zoo?!

People say, "Well, if God is so benevolent,

Perhaps Ms. Davis might write down

Perhaps the darts will loosen.

Piercing pain in my left shoulder.

Please tell me.

Please, do not be alarmed!

Please! I have a few points and I'd like to make them!

Ploobis!

President Ford blew his nose.

President Ford bumped his head 3 times getting into his helicopter.

Probably it bestows immortality!

Prostitution in the United States

Pulling it farther out so that it is now ready for shearing.

Rectangular grid and

Relax! Just blanks! Just a demonstration, sit down!

Releasing your darts. Urrgh.

Relieving yourself of any responsibility for your acts.

Religion has a way of

Religion is like a lift in the shoe,

Religion, religion, at best, at BEST,

Repeat after me.

Repeat! This is a simulated assault and burglery!

Resembled its mother quite closely.

Residents, businesses, all forms of commerce

Rockstarr.tistory.com [email protected]

Scred, I'm hungry.

Scred!

Scred!

Scred?

Secondly,

See how frightening that was?

Semi Supreme being.

She takes care of the house,

She's quite a gal

She's quite a gal, you know.

Should tragedy strike, what would happen to them?

Show us your guns!

Simply "Pip".

Since then, I've had to learn to do everything with my right hand.

Since then, man has been ardently striding to design

Sir? Yes, how did this happen to you?

Sit down.

So far!

So I went and stared into it.

So many, man...

So that we're not competing with all the football and baseball games.

So though we are in danger, we never despair

So we took our camera crew into the streets to find out.

So you change your voice so they don't think you're a moron.

So, possibly,

Solid investments,

Some religions

Some things it airs disgusts it.

Somebody stole my underwear!"

Soon, you're handling life again,

Sought after, high paid stand by operators.

Speeds soothing relief where needed.

Starring George Carlin

STATE YOUR PROBLEM.

Still puts in 45 hour week!

Sure, you've provided for them financially,

Sure. If I had a million, yeah.

Tablet or liquid.

Tactically Positioned Front Lawn Mine.

Take a look at a mountain range.

Talk about a live show!

TALK TA ME.

Tastes like boiled Kleenex.

Tell me more!

TELL YER FRIENDS!

Thank you, Vazh.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thanks.

That could earn you up to 80 dollars a day!

That he has written his own campaign slogan.

That it is going to issue a stamp commemorating

That means that Mighty Mouse is on the way!

That means that Mighty Mouse is on the way!

That means that Mighty Mouse is on the way!

That reaches to inifinity

That we, we'll go around describing Him to each other.

That's "New Dad",

That's (311) 555 4425.

That's a very good question.

That's because I'm not, I'm a school teacher,

That's great.

That's the way we did it with the Indians,

That's what all the big ones, all the big religions said,

That's what all the religions told us. "He's like us, He's us."

That's what it said in the Bible.

That's why I travel with Flintstone vitamins!

The bird was stepped on and crushed to death this afternoon

The Blaine, a tradition for more than half a century.

The CIA immediately denied reports that

The countless schools and institutions that teach you

The country of Israel and the state of Georgia

The defendent's remarks on a piece of paper.

The doctor says it's only temporary, my sight'll probably come back.

The Emperor presented Mickey with a Hirohito wristwatch.

The entire state of Georgia,

The fabulous Blaine Hotel in midtown Manhatten.

The first blade grabs at the whisker,

The hair styles are very very nice indeed,

The motive, again, murder, as it has been in the previous 37 slashings.

The name given our fuzzy little friend?

The national pasttime.

The Not For Ready Prime Time Players,

The Not quite Ready for Prime Time Players

The object in football is

The only insurance that covers all of their needs.

The perfect shaving instrument.

The plain looking vitamins.

The Post Office announced today

The Post Office announced today...

The principal is a what?

The sacrifice.

The slogan?

The tackle, the blitz, the bomb, the offense and the defense,

The term Jumbo Shrimp has always amazed me.

The Triple Trac.

The universe is in balance,

The witness is not on trial here.

The words surrounding football and baseball,

Then when you remember who it was, you have to call back,

There'll be lots of places later they'll be searching us,

There's a moment coming, it's... it's not here yet.

There's always one weird piece of bacon.

There's no blue food!

There's no present,

There's some guys out there who are such duh's,

They can't lie around, that's their job, man!

They changed it a little bit, they moved the hash marks in

They have the little fluoroscope job,

They say, "Blueberries!" Uh uh.

They're all crooked, they're never in line.

They're keeping it from us!

Things work out well.

This could happen to you at any time, in fact, it just has!

This is indeed an auspicious occasion of the 20th century

This is my best friend,

This is my company here.

This is only a simulated assault and burglery.

This is something Peuta should have taken care of

This land was made for me!

This progressive state has decided to

This tastes familiar, is this anyone I know?

THREE CHICKENS,

Thus, concludes this week's chapter of "Bee Hospital."

To answer phones professionally.

To call ABC and start my new career

To go out there and be really, really cute, okay?

To make sure I get enough iron and vitamins,

To march downfield and penetrate enemy territory,

To stand by at the end of their TV ads.

To take calls and write down messages?

To the injector system,

To the safety razor,

To throw me out of your house.

Toilet Bowl Piranha.

Tomato?

Took place today in Detroit,

Tops In Pops.

TPFLM?

Triopenin is gentle,

Triopenin,

Triopenin,

Triple Trac's third blade,

Triple Trac's triple threat cartridge,

Tugging it away from your face to protect it from the second blade.

Turquiose and white are a very good combination.

TWO SWANS, AND A DUCK.

Uh, God is subject to Physical Laws.

Uh, I'm staying, uh,

Uh... one! Me and Scred.

Underneath all the neat, horizontal strips,

Unnnh.

Valri Bromfield, Andy Kaufman,