Man Seeking Woman - Season 1 Edit

A amen.

A bunch of mushrooms and go to the zoo?

A few times. I swear. That's it.

A final task you must complete before you're free of Maggie.

A gentleman

A glass of water.

A good thing it's the weekend.

A grown man living

A long distance relationship for three years.

A pretty big age age difference between them?

A tall guy, pointy hat, he had a long white beard?

A true act of charity.

Aah!

Aah!

Aah!

Aah!

About being with anybody else... we were together for six years.

About starting a country based on freedom.

Actually, you know who might want it?

Adolf Hitler.

ADOLF: Be right back.

ADOLF: When I was in Austria,

After that, Maude and I

After which the whole group of us

Ah, man, I would, but I got a booty call.

Ah, you know, I think it's pretty cool

Ah!

ALL (chanting): Couple up.

All (Chanting): Dick pic!

All just go out in groups now.

All right, fine, I'll grab it. Hold...

All right, five minutes.

All right, I'm in the men's room by the urinals here.

All right, man, your dick will be

All right. I'm so proud of you!

All right. Well, you're welcome.

All right... ooh.

All you got to do is find a girl, walk up to her,

ALL: Aw.

ALL: Hey.

Amen.

An emoji.

And a little pink razor blade?

And a period after Josh.

And a wonderful boyfriend to Maude.

And a wonderful son

And frozen chimichangas.

And giving.

And he put too much.

And he take pepper flake top off,

And her boyfriend/fiancé

And how it was cool that it was the weekend.

And I asked her to have lunch with me.

And I don't want to brag

And I have to work tomorrow.

And I knew some people that went there, so then we started talking about that

And if that's not something she wants,

And is gonna explode.

And it's very late. I'm I'm done.

And my bodyguards,

And now feels like a big storm in my tummy

And now...

And one more thing.

And people think he's sketchy or whatever, but in person, he's actually pretty cool.

And references a thing from before.

And right now, Josh is in a good place.

And see if it's there?

And see if the same guy yells out lettuce.

And send her a picture of it with the caption...

And she will be warm.

And she will deserve... your love.

And show me Maude.

And still no response.

And struck up a conversation.

And take all the little bags of garbage and put them in one big bag of garbage.

And then it's booty time.

And then, I spat it out and, well,

And then, you know, eat, no, I...

And this is just gonna be an epic sing along.

And this new girl

And Tim and Tam.

And washed his private parts.

And we could get that dinner on Friday.

And we were already talking about camping

And when our dates went up to go to the...

And yet the silence continues.

And you take off yours. Okay.

And you'll do all those things, but can we just

And, you know, not enough of these, I guess.

And...

Another dinner?

Another text?

Anything else?

Anything German.

Anyway, you were, uh, saying? About being totally over Maggie?

Are going out to dinner with her cousins and their husbands,

Are going to this little out of the way gelato place

Are we paying him at all?

Are you coming?

Are you gay?

Are you...

Aren't you bored?

At the dinner.

Awesome.

Back in that era, I would say That one,

Back then, things were so passionate, they were exciting.

Back to Maude.

Back to Maude.

Balls deep, eh?

Beautiful woman's gonna walk by.

Because I know I had it with me at the urinal?

Because it was my friend Jenn's birthday

Because that lettuce stuff was so funny.

Because that was so funny.

Because you're afraid to hit on girls.

Before it's too late.

Better get hard, son. I'm getting you laid tonight.

Between a booty call and a date, right?

Big ring. Big everything.

Bit of a step up.

Blew all our minds.

Both: Thank you.

Both: Thank you.

Boyfriend, girlfriend, relationship, exclusive?

But I am.

But I have the most amazing voice,

But I know her cousins now.

But I will say

But it seems a tad wasteful.

But lately, it's gotten so mechanical.

But since she dumped him, his condition has

But there's too much demand sometimes,

But this girl tonight, what does she look like?

But where would that lead to?

But with different people.

But you can make a difference.

But you listen to me.

But, uh, I kind of think I just want to be alone right now.

But, uh, in that case, I should hit the sack...

But, uh, you owe me 30 bucks for that dram.

But, you know, not, like, crazy bad.

But...

By this point, Laura must have seen the text,

Can I use your bathroom?

Can you please fish it out for me?

Can't wait for that bruschetta.

Can't wait.

Can't... whoa!

Cancel my 2:00.

Choo choo!

Chris Schifrin?

Christ.

Come and get this. Something like that.

Come on, this way.

Come on!

Come on. Now you get it. Oh, yeah.

Cool.

Coriander...

Could drop me off in Pilsen?

Couple up!

Couple up.

Couple up.

Crawling across the rug?

D...

Date my brother.

Dear Maude...

Delicious.

Dick pic! Dick pic! Dick pic!

Did she hate the text?

Did someone say camping trip?

Did that not happen to you?

Did you shit yourself, Josh?

Did you use a line or something?

Different different web sites.

Dinner's a bigger deal because it's at night

Dio mio.

Divide and conquer.

Do I have to pray? Or is penance...

Do it! (Screaming)

Do not listen to him!

Do they all know each other?

Do they know each other?

Do you like salad?

Do you take Discover Card?

Do you want to have, like, a long, intimate conversation?

Do you want to mess around?

Do you want to take a cab back to my place?

Do you want to?

Do you want, do you want to get, uh, something else?

Does she know the Stevensons?

Does that mean she's a troll?

Does that thing actually work?

Doesn't add up.

Doesn't matter, dude. You read The Game?

Don't do it, please.

Don't know that I'm feeling...

Don't listen to him.

Don't mind me. (chuckles)

Don't worry about it. I got you, bro.

Don't worry. Still plenty of time to score.

Don't you still love me?

Down the hatch.

Dude, I'm no wizard.

Dude, it's getting..

Dude, she just totally checked you out.

Dude, this place is sick.

Dude, we drank, we ate, it is on.

Dude, where you going, man?

Dude, you know she's seeing someone, right?

Eh. Love.

Eh...

Either way, I'm proud of you, buddy.

End of the day, I go around to everybody's desk

Enough small talk!

Even if she was in the bathroom or something,

Every gash is somebody's daughter.

Everyb... But your sister's a special case.

Everything here is under control.

Everything's fine.

Exactly.

Exclamation points, in particular.

Exorcist: No! Huh?

Exorcist: Say what is you try!

Fair enough. Uh, I'm sorry, Maggie.

Fat, fat.

Father, thank God you're here

Fifty?

Five minutes.

Five minutes.

Flower for the lady?

For instance, a a long, intimate conversation..

For picking up Laura.

For the first time since we broke up,

For your endorphins and

Forty dollars.

From Sweden.

From the train.

General: Josh from the traib? What the hell's a traib?!

General: See? Already, you've failed.

Get away from her profile!

Get him out of here.

Get it in where you fit it in, dawg.

Get it off!

Get them!

Go to hell, Mom!

Go to hell.

Go, go, go, go!

Go. Go, go, go.

God, I cannot believe you got a girl's number on the train!

God, I knew she was black!

God, I'll never forget the day we found that Delia's catalogue.

Goddamn it.

Goddamn it. Damn it.

Good bye, hand.

Good bye, Josh.

Good bye, Mr. heart.

Good idea.

Good thing.

Good, how... I'm good.

Got her a ring. Secret ring.

Got water. (Chuckles)

Gotta destroy it. Now.

Gravy!

Grazie... Or, um...

Great meeting you.

Great meeting you.

Great meeting you. Come get this.

Guess who.

Guess who.

Guess, uh... guess that's that.

Haunted? Maggie's still alive.

Have a great night. Good luck.

Have you ever seen a more heartbreaking sight?

Have you used any of these terms:

Having a good night.

He couldn't hear you.

He doesn't understand.

He eats bugs and little fruit.

He famously hates ****.

He had a funny little idea

He had a good night. Ooh.

He he murdered millions of people.

He just had it memorized.

He might have been '08, actually.

He says there is

He smells like shit.

He subsists on a diet of ramen, weed,

He was hilarious. He did Tina Turner, Gladys Knight.

He wasn't a wealthy man

He's 126.

He's 150 years old

He's been hiding in Argentina since, like, the '40s.

He's been wearing the same pair of pants for a decade. He has

He's cute, he's fuzzy.

He's dead.

He's just obsessed with these, uh...

He's lying!

He's on a very specific diet.

He's wearing a Robert Graham shirt, I mean...

He's wearing the sweater.

Hello, Joshie.

Hello.

Hello.

Here goes nothing.

Here it goes

Here you are.

Here, wear this.

Here's a flower for you.

Here's your seat.

Hey, A.H.

Hey, buddy, how do you think I feel?

Hey, come on!

Hey, come on...

Hey, do you want to go out to dinner sometime?

Hey, here are your dicks.

Hey, hey, wow, sorry.

Hey, hi.

Hey, hon?

Hey, how are you?

Hey, how'd your date go, buddy?

Hey, is that a framed photo

Hey, it's Josh.

Hey, Josh, are you lost?

Hey, let's go out.

Hey, relax, my man.

Hey, uh...

Hey, what? I I can do both those.

Hey, what's your deal? Wh What does that even mean?

Hey, you're having sex.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey. (sniffs)

Hey. Hey.

Hey. How's it going? Hey.

Hi, gang.

Hi, hey.

Hi, Josh!

Hi, Laura,

Hi, Laura, it's Josh from the train.

Hi, Laura, it's Josh from the train.

Hi.

Hi. Hi, gang.

Hi. Hi. Hey.

Hi. Hi. Hey.

Hi. Uh... hi.

His name was George Washington.

Hitler ain't got shit on you, dude.

Hmm.

Hold on. Wait a minute. Stop.

Hold that. Uh, hey, I'm Josh.

Holy Moses. Yeah, okay, let's let's get in there.

Holy shit!

Hopefully, it'll fit

How 'bout this, dude?

How are you in the chair?

How did this get so serious?

How do I get out of this?

How how is it so easy for you to talk to these girls?

How long has this been going on?

How'd it go with that drunk chick?

How'd you manage it?

How's everything?

Huh?

Huh?

Huh?

Huh? Capisce?

Huh.

Hurry. Hurry.

I actually have my own plans this evening.

I actually have to deal with garbage quite frequently.

I am very disappointed in you, Joshie.

I appreciate this so much.

I brought you a sun visor.

I can't believe I'm defending myself to you.

I can't say that. That seems a bit aggressive.

I can't wait

I can't. I'm sorry. Uh, no. Oh, yeah?

I can't. Uh, so... yeah.

I can't...

I did it once, back when I was reading law at Cambridge.

I did. I I am here.

I didn't... Who invited you here anyway?

I don't have anything else. (Booming sound)

I don't know that I want a girlfriend, okay?

I don't know. It seems kind of sketchy.

I don't see it.

I don't still love her. I am totally over her.

I don't think I can.

I don't... what stuff?

I expected a lot more.

I forgot my credit card at the bar.

I got it.

I got it.

I got to see what it's like to be you.

I gotta... say something.

I guess I have to reply LOL.

I have a family emergency.

I have a secret weapon:

I have high hopes that this was going to happen.

I have sex with women.

I have something to say.

I I am the drunk boy. Listen, this is

I I appreciate... I needed to hear that.

I I don't know what I'm doing.

I I don't know.

I I don't know. I just walk up to them and say random stuff.

I I got this.

I I I don't know.

I I In my temp job,

I I just don't like Adolf Hitler.

I I just... I'm, like... I'm 27. Why?

I I know of him. I thought he died, like, years ago.

I I think I need another opinion.

I I will... I will have...

I I... Like, I I can't help but feel

I I'll just... I can just watch you eat.

I I'm... this has never...

I I've never seen that before in my life.

I Isn't there, like,

I jumped the gun.

I just don't get it. I'll let you go.

I just don't think

I just got her business card.

I just got out of a long term relationship.

I just got out of a very long term thing.

I just meant whoever's at the bar.

I just wrestled a pit bull for a shit covered dick.

I knew a Jake Franklin.

I know he'd be happy to see you.

I know he's got a weird rep,

I know what a wizard looks like.

I know what you guys are trying to do, so...

I know you like her. You should be dating her.

I know, also it was just lunch.

I know, I know... roses.

I landed on my back, and I guess my mouth was open,

I like it. That's pretty good, yeah.

I like what we have.

I look forward to meeting the elusive Maude

I love you, Joshie.

I love you.

I love you.

I mean, C Craigslist.

I mean, I I know he's, um, more successful than me.

I mean, I've only been with one other guy.

I mean, if you're out.

I mean, it's just weird to think

I mean, Maggie's only 27.

I mean, that seems, like... kind of sketchy.

I mean, they must have secret scripts somewhere.

I mean, yeah, no, me, same.

I miss you.

I noticed you were, uh, rummaging around in the, uh, garbage, there.

I picked it out of the catalog.

I read in a magazine that young people

I really like this girl, I don't want to blow it.

I see no dicks, my friend.

I still have Isaac Newton.

I talked you up, okay?

I think a thank you might be in order.

I think I need another opinion.

I think maybe she gets it.

I think maybe you should head out, buddy.

I think that's everyone that was just here.

I think they've subsided. I...

I think they've subsided. I...

I think you guys would be cool together.

I thought you said that was everything.

I told you, Mom, I'm not not using the Discover anymore.

I turned it

I understand completely.

I want information now.

I want more than this.

I want that.

I want this...

I want to play guitar. I want to work a loom.

I want to text Laura, but I I don't know what to say.

I was just gonna ask you, a are you having an okay time?

I was rocking a Jamiroquai hat.

I wasn't quite sure when to bring this up,

I would deploy

I would... I would suggest 50.

I wouldn't have set you up with Gorbachaka if I didn't think it was a good match.

I, uh, I kind of felt the same way.

I... allow me.

I... different grips.

I... I think you might be right.

I... I... a well placed kitten, actually, could...

I... I'm sorry, Liz.

I'll check the... I'll check the lost and found.

I'll just masturbate.

I'll just masturbate. (Talking over each other)

I'm 27, I should probably have my own credit card by now.

I'm actually over Maggie.

I'm an acquaintance of one of his brothers.

I'm calling from the MacArthur Foundation.

I'm fairly well versed in you.

I'm going home. Come on.

I'm going out with Laura.

I'm I'm on the south side of the park.

I'm I'm running shit.

I'm I'm tired, and I'm broke,

I'm I'm with a girl, and she wants to have sex with me!

I'm *******.

I'm *******.

I'm just an ordinary guy.

I'm just gonna be, uh, running loops.

I'm just happy it's over.

I'm kind of happy just being...

I'm not drunk. No, I I, uh...

I'm not even Facebook friends with her.

I'm not jealous, Aja.

I'm not the one that you should apologize to.

I'm not the one you should apologize to.

I'm not the one you should apologize to.

I'm pleased to announce that you shall be receiving

I'm saying I've never met one.

I'm sick of it. I I want to see what's out there.

I'm sorry, did you just say dick pic?

I'm sorry, Gorbachaka.

I'm sorry, Hit...

I'm sorry, Hitler!

I'm sorry, Hitler.

I'm sorry, I thought you knew.

I'm sorry, is that a problem?

I'm sorry, Josh. I'm leaving.

I'm sorry, ma'am.

I'm sorry. Ow, ow! Ow!

I'm sorry. Thank you.

I'm starting to think that you don't want to go in there.

I'm Tom, T O M.

I'm your little girl. Would I never not tell you?

I've got it.

I've got to go.

I've heard so much about you.

If you can't do spiral eyes, how do you hit on girls?

If you're really over Maggie, why do you still have her stuff?

In abject squalor.

In my face.

In Northbrook!

In the cash register for you tomorrow.

In the center of my body.

In the living room to get some

In which you reference something

Into... into a V.

Is a number two.

Is everything okay?

Is gonna be stinky.

Is good... and fine.

Is if you go to the bar and talk to them.

Is it all groups now?!

Is it, is it... H how is it?

Is now an angel.

Is that a dog?

Is that champagne?

Is that true?

Isaac Newton.

Isn't your place north, babe?

It can mean a lot of different things.

It is on.

It is on.

It lets you fake your own death.

It smells like curry.

It was romantic but secret.

It was so cool.

It wasn't like you were using it.

It will be cute!

It, um, tastes kind of bitter.

It's a combination sun hat and visor.

It's a crazy thing.

It's a good thing it's the weekend.

It's a piece of garbage. Nobody wants it, Josh!

It's a romantic comedy.

It's a terrible, terrible idea. All right.

It's a..

It's already pretty late.

It's also has...

It's also there were..

It's been almost 15 seconds since Josh texted Laura,

It's been over a minute.

It's clever, it's quirky...

It's cool, man. This one's on me.

It's definitely... Oh, y y yeah.

It's easy... just go up to them and be, like,

It's fine.

It's gonna mean a lot to them.

It's got mint in it

It's in the...? Oh, man.

It's insane.

It's Josh from the train.

It's Josh from the train.

It's Josh...

It's just a matter of time.

It's just one seat.

It's like a vagina party out there

It's like we're just going through the motions.

It's not a bad turnout, I guess.

It's not aggressive enough, man.

It's not for at least two, two and a half years.

It's not here.

It's November 12.

It's old fashioned.

It's on the floor, man, I can't pick it up.

It's one... Yeah, okay, it's just...

It's pretty pathetic.

It's really good.

It's really not that serious; we just started

It's really sweet.

It's sex!

It's so... It's so crazy.

It's the same thing every time.

It's your stranger from the train. (Gasps)

It's, uh, almost everything.

It's, uh, Prosecco, Maggie's favorite.

It's, uh, you know, it's pretty, uh, crazy that we, uh, met on the train.

It's, uh...

J Jerry Maguire.

J Jerry Maguire.

Jan, he makes a joke.

Jared! Come on!

Jerk off a little bit to make it hard,

Josh, are you okay?

Josh, be careful.

Josh, the only way you're gonna 69 with some flat chested skanks

Josh, there's, like, so many guys like Mike running around.

Josh, uh...

Josh, you're not making a great impression here.

Josh: Great meeting you.

JOSH: Hi, Tom.

Josh: Laura Ferber, Marketing Liaison.

JOSH: Oh, mazel tov.

Josh: Oh, my God. Okay, delete, delete, delete, delete, delete.

Josh: Okay

Josh: Okay, okay.

Josh: Okay, well, let's let's run with that, then.

JOSH: Pound, four three four two.

Josh: Send, damn you. Send, damn you.

JOSH: Thanks, buddy.

Josh: Uh, yeah? You don't want to stick together?

Josh!

Josh!

Josh! This is for Josh. Uh.

Josh?

Josh...

Josh...

Joshie!

Joshua, want to have a little look at yourself moment?

Just a cute framed picture

Just don't look at her profile!

Just dropping in like this.

Just lame. Just lame.

Just let me keep this one thing.

Just maybe taking a yoga class.

Just never text her again.

Just one, uh, second!

Just stay the course.

Just walked up to a random girl and been like,

Just wanted to make sure he had his order.

Kind of a...

Kind of embarrassing, but I lost my dick,

Knew people at Bard. Talked about people who went to Bard.

Knows how to play almost every Train song on the guitar

KURT: Yeah, it's like, Slow it down,

L Like Adolf Hitler?

Land ho!

Last chance.

Laura: Okay, bye.

Learn sign language.

Leo proposed to Liz!

LEO: Oh. Of course.

Let go. Let go. Let go. Give me the... give me that thing!

Let me introduce you to everyone.

Let things cool down a bit.

Let's get you in here.

Let's just pound this postmodern epic. Five minutes.

Let's not be smart or funny or quirky.

Let's pack it up, people.

Let's pull down our pants,

Let's split it.

Like I'm the only single person here tonight.

Like if there's something going on in the news.

Like something from a romantic comedy.

Like, do you think that that...

Like, I looked at her eyes

Like, I think he literally might have shit himself.

Like, I'm going to start going to improv all the time.

Like, it's just like it's off my shoulders.

Like, right now, man

Like, this one time we did karaoke.

Like, you're gonna find someone super wonderful,

Little dirty man.

Liz, I really don't think this is necessary.

Liz: Hey, get him out of here! Text jk!

LIZ: Hope you don't mind me

Liz: It's in all caps

Liz: No jokes. No references

Liz: Oh, it's so slow

Liz: What's he doing?

Liz: Would you do me the honor

Liz.

Logging into my account...

Long story short, it's in the toilet.

Look, he speaks!

Look!

Look.

Lots of, uh, milk, and, uh, it was a very positive experience.

M A U D E.

M Maggie, hey, it's it's it's me.

Maggie might want it. Let me just call her.

Maggie won it for me at a, uh, fair.

Maggie's stuff, or else you will never move on

Make it stop.

Make no mistake, dating my brother would be

Man Seeking Woman 01x01 Lizard

Man, last night was sick!

MAN: Good morning, Joshua.

MAN: No, no, no.

Man: Sir?

Man's voice: don't you even think about it!

Maude and I are so not a thing,

Maude Metzger.

Maude, I gotta,

MAUDE: I brought a tambourine for the sing along!

MAUDE: I didn't know if you wanted a sun hat

MAUDE: Josh, are you in there?

MAUDE: Josh? Can I come in?

Maybe if you came to visit more!

Maybe not gonna take a day.

Maybe not gonna take a week. A couple months.

Maybe she doesn't want to seem too overeager.

Maybe she's born with it. (Laughs)

Maybe she's in the shower.

Maybe something about a young lady?

Maybe we should hang out this weekend?

Maybelline.

Me and this banging little skank tore

Me, same.

Metzger?

MIKE (whispering): Dude, don't worry.

Mike, you really didn't have to hire an exorcist, man.

Mike: Come on. What service do you have?

MIKE: Josh, this is Aja. Aja, Josh.

Mike: Look at us!

MIKE: Robert Graham, contrasting cuffs.

MIKE: That is cool.

MIKE: Tinder is like Facebook, but it's just, like, straight to smashing.

Mike: What is that thing?

Mike: You must get rid of all of

Mm hmm.

Mm.