Girlfriends' Guide to Divorce - Season 1 Edit

A 10 year old and Jake's girlfriend.

A kick what?

A little crazy's perfect.

A little juvenile, don't you think?

A little more than I like to talk.

A little something different.

A rom com obstacle, you know.

Aaron, take a breath.

Abby liked it.

Abby, Abby, it's fine. Go on a date.

Abby, can I... Can I be honest here?

Abby, enough.

Abby, I said we got it.

ABBY: But I mean, practically speaking,

ABBY: Nate?

ABBY: Previously on Girlfriends' Guide to Divorce...

ABBY: Thank you.

ABBY: Unreal.

ABBY: Well, I'm just glad that Jake has finally moved out of the house.

ABBY: What's that? LILLY: Dad gave it to me.

ABBY: Who was that?

ABBY: Why does she keep sending me these things?

ABBY: Yeah.

ABBY: Yeah.

ABBY: Yes! MAX: Yeah!

ABBY: You're gonna need... Shit!

Abby.

Abby...

Abby's life going down the toilet, take one.

About how old Becca is, and then you show up with that.

Abs, give yourself a break.

Abs, I'm just trying to figure out how to navigate here,

Absolutely not. I hate those movies.

Actually, Master Monster Six is coming out. Master Monster.

Address these things.

ADELE: Shore up our ranks with their financial generosity,

ADELE: So, for the first time,

ADELE: Thank you all.

Admittedly, I've been going through a lot, but I...

After I call all the parents of the kids Lilly's not friends with.

Aggro!

Ah, breathtakingly gorgeous.

Ah, hold that thought.

Ah, it's date night.

Ah!

Ah. (CHUCKLING)

Aha, there she is.

Ahh!

Ahh!

Al, the animal.

ALBERT: Ladies, hello? Yes. Hi.

ALBERT: Lyla, can you believe this woman?

All 2,000 words on how Lord of the Flies

All right, all right. Okay.

All right, back to the not so razor sharp repartee.

All right, bye bye.

All right, well, I am not gonna tell you my,

All right.

All right.

All your worries from the day ease away.

ALL: Hey!

Alone.

Always.

Always. It's a deal.

Am I being fired? No.

Am I huge? No.

Am I in trouble?

Am I in trouble?

Am I just supposed to pretend that relationship didn't exist?

Amazing.

And again and again and again.

And all the while, my mom gets to be a witness to it.

And am I gonna be able to meet Adele Northrop in person?

And an emergency milk stop.

And arbor day and kid's court and snack bar

And be well represented doing so.

And Dan is using my work hours against me

And Eric is still getting bullied at school.

And every other bullshit holiday

And go home, soak in the tub, drink a glass of wine,

And go to a restaurant where we can talk?

And have one that is more "locker friendly."

And he is primed to jump ship because I got him sole custody of his dog in his divorce.

And he leans into my ear, and he says, "Hey, schmuck.

And he wants you to come over?

And he's in love with your friend Phoebe.

And he's turned on by alliteration.

And he's...

And his wife.

And I am sorry, but you're being really mean.

And I got invited to Xander Price's house next weekend.

And I got the waffle maker for Charlie.

And I have 74 just off the top of my head.

And I have to divorce you, too?

And I hear,

And I need to learn how to deal with it.

And I put an app on your phone so you can control it.

And I suggest you hire a lawyer, because I have.

And I turn around,

And I will pray to the love gods that

And I'm gonna go take Max shopping for a suit.

And I'm gonna like it, damn it.

And I'm here at the fun pocalypse.

And I'm still working on the lineup for Saturday's game.

And I'm telling you, the band is...

And if anything happens, or if you need me, just call me.

And if Diego's thumb doesn't heal, we're screwed.

And if it did, so much the better.

And it ebbs and flows,

And it is not okay for you to sneak out.

And it was somehow very romantic.

And it's not Becca's fault

And it's not good. Not for you and not for the firm.

And it's Paul Newman.

And just think about the hydrological cycle.

And karaoke with Becca Riley?

And Lilly was in heaven.

And listen to him chewing his little Kashi cereal like a farm animal.

And listen, you are not paying me to sit by the phone.

And Max and Lilly...

And no one sent me a map.

And now he's possibly gonna take my children...

And now that I get it, I fell apart.

And on some childish whim, you decide to have a theme night.

And on the other, we're supposed to be

And Phoebe, even more stunning than I imagined.

And possibly losing my children... No, enough.

And question every choice you've made prior to that.

And really bad sex. Terrible sex.

And reschedule the Struger meeting.

And several affidavits have been filed...

And she's holding a stake.

And sit on it and smell it.

And so the great poster capade comes to a close.

And somebody smacks me in the back of the head,

And sort of wrong, but in a good way, in, like a...

And suit.

And talent night and the nose picking Olympics

And thank you for battling alongside us

And that is a good thing.

And that is so brutal on the spouse.

And that the poster got ruined.

And that's all she wrote about.

And that's all the parents of the kids she's friends with and nothing, so.

And the bins should be out.

And the blue is for things that Dad's taking,

And the kid with the ice cream isn't exactly CIA material.

And the mushroom stuff, your favorite.

And the yellow are for things that we can't decide on. (CHUCKLES)

And then all of a sudden, I realized she's just... She's crazy.

And then she punched my friend in the face.

And then they take care of each other's needs,

And then we just happened to run into Becca?

And then you, you're the first person that we've ever been with

And then, of course, my favorite, P.I.B.

And then, tears of joy, story time.

And they get divorced and have terrible sex.

And this should have been happening more.

And to make matters worse, the case worker's coming tonight.

And to make matters worse, the case worker's coming tonight.

And to remind me that it's trash day,

And to that end, some of the partners are talking about

And toss around some book ideas,

And ventilated vintage tops,

And very short shorts

And we ran into you guys.

And we wanted to give you something as a gesture of our commitment.

And what about the window?

And what's going on over here?

And whenever you're ready, you can turn over.

And you have to come down hard when she starts.

And you know what comes after gay marriage?

And you know, I love the little guy, but he just takes over.

And you must be Phoebe.

And you say, "I do."

And you, you just want me to show up and look good.

And you!

And you're allowed to have that.

And you're texting the married male.

And your attitude and optimism about it...

And your attitude and optimism about it...

And your nipples are warm. That's kind of a weird combo.

And, and do it quietly.

And, Lyla, why don't you just try something else on?

Annie, this is Donna.

ANNIE: What do cats have for dessert?

ANNOUNCER: Flight 1302 from Atlanta is now arriving in...

ANOUK: Stop it! (CRASHING)

Anouk!

Answer it, dude. I don't want to lie to her.

Anyway, forgive my lateness.

Anyway, I saw Phoebe today making out with Vika.

Are we going to your new place now?

Are you asleep already?

Are you embarrassed to be here with me?

Are you guys okay?

Are you kidding me?

Are you kidding me? We covered everything.

Are you ready?

Are you talking to me?

Are you volunteering at school? Hmm mmm.

Are you wearing a backpack?

Are you? Yeah.

As always.

As you know, associates don't reschedule meetings

Ask Jake or Nate's wife or me.

At a awesome, slightly tacky bachelor rental would work.

At Abby's, okay?

At least I'm not a home wrecking...

At least I'm not a home wrecking...

At school the other day.

At the Echoplex.

At the top. That one.

AUTOMATED VOICE: You have absolutely no messages.

Aw. Okay.

Awful. Horrible kissing.

Barnes & Noble can't sell a book the author doesn't believe in.

Barry Juck, I think your films are the shit.

Based on what? I might add.

Bathroom's over there. Do you want anything?

Be clever. Be cleverer.

Be of good cheer.

Because he was never home.

Because I am not the one who forgot her sunscreen.

Because I want the company.

Because I'm so effusive with them?

Because it was... They're about to call our names right now.

Because it's a different kind of alone.

Because of the window that you said you would fix.

Because of the window that you said you would fix.

Because that's not first date material either.

Because these are such good cookies.

Because we need... Well, hello, wait a minute.

Becca Riley? Yeah.

Becca Riley's not coming over, if that's what you're asking.

Best call I've had all week.

Big time.

Blah, blah, blah, I get up onstage,

Blazing up the charts. Okay.

BOTH: Bye. FORD: All right, bye.

BRIDGET JONES: ...is it 4,000 pounds?

Brutus. (LAUGHING)

But do you want to be married to me?

But don't you think monogamy's unrealistic?

But every time it doesn't work out.

But first kiss

But here's the thing.

But I love you. Okay.

But I see you now, a little bit,

But I will say this.

But I will take it into consideration.

But if you're not gonna tell me it's free,

But it's not my fault that you're alone and you can't handle it.

But just try to relax and treat this dinner like any other, okay?

But no, it wasn't her.

But not as much as I love your actual peccadilloes.

But not marriage.

But now it says,

But only if there's vodka for Abby.

But seriously, Mom, that guy's way too young for you.

But Spider Man sheets.

But that one's not as catchy.

But that's because it is alive,

But the heavy stuff, the, the conflict,

But then as we really got to know each other,

But they, they can't have sex.

But tonight, she's gonna be having fun.

But wait. You would remember that.

But we all know that isn't enough.

But we are post bad sex.

But we digress all over the place.

But when I found out that she was a pill addicted shoplifter...

But when it's at my place, you'll still be able to see it

But when my phone rings, it might be the sitter.

But who present our best face to the world.

But you are way beyond that, and it's not good

But you really need to call me

But your kids come first. I get that.

But, um, your dad and I,

By "system," you mean, one rule? (LAUGHS)

By all means, I apologize.

By any objective standard, um, that's interesting.

Bye bye. Bye.

Bye, Mom. How are... Bye.

Bye.

Bye.

Bye.

Bye. (BEEPS)

Bye. Bye.

Bye. Bye.

California water tables have dropped to record lows.

Call him in the morning.

Call me, Abby McCarthy.

Call us if you need anything, all right?

Can I get a beer and a vodka tonic? BARTENDER: You got it.

Can meet your needs.

Can we get Lilly please? (SIGHS)

Can we please just not talk about my wife?

Can you believe this?

Can you just bring Phoebe and you and...

Can you just take the costume off?

Can you keep a secret?

Can you move them? Any wounds?

Can you please do something?

Can you really not understand?

Can't it just be our fantasy for a little bit longer?

Can't it just be our fantasy for a little bit longer?

Can't you just say, "I'm sorry, I should have called"?

Careening down a shame spiral?

Catch and release, catch and release.

Catching my breath...

Cate Blanchett's.

Celebrating those brave pioneers

Change of subject just for a moment.

Charles! I'm out, I'm out.

Charlie and Lilly are bowling with Becca Riley.

Charlie and Logan killed it, and the production design...

Charlie gets to sleep in the perfect movie he'll never see, Spider Wars.

Charlie woke up, and he was upset 'cause I was the only one there.

Charlie, Becca. Becca, Charlie. Hey, Charlie.

Charlie, I was thinking we could go bowling,

Charlie, only two.

CHARLIE: Come on, Dad.

CHARLIE: Hi, Dad. JAKE: Hey, buddy. Come on.

Charlie?

Charlie's still in the car.

Christen? Mmm hmm.

Civil rights are civil rights.

Class up the Paradiso.

Classic story of married boy meets married girl,

Cleo Stevens is a real inspiration.

Cleo Stevens is here.

Closing the door.

Coincidence. I decided to take the kids out,

Come again?

Come here.

Come on out, my friend.

Come on, let me grab you a sec, come here.

Come on, man. Seriously?

Come on, Max and Ford are sitting here too.

Come on!

Come on.

Come on.

Come on.

Come on.

Come on. Okay. Yeah. Here we go.

Come on. You know I can't say.

Community?

Congratulations on your night.

Cormac has no arm from center,

Could be a little devastating.

Could you find me a sandwich? Just nothing with pink meat.

Could you listen to me, please, for a second?

Cute.

Dad found someone awesome.

Dad, check it. I've got, like, 400 likes on Instagram.

Dad, I can spell.

Dad, I can't log in.

Dad, it's your turn. Okay, I'll be right there.

Dad?

Dad? What's going on?

Dad's here.

Damon Cash is... Hey, hey, stop.

Damon Cash.

DAMON: My nose.

DAMON: Your shoulders and lower back are tense.

Dan is going for primary custody,

Dan is gone.

Dan is possibly gonna take my children...

DAN: Bye, guys. SPENCER: Bye, Dad.

DAN: You play to hurt, and not just me, Spencer and Eric too.

Dan?

Danna Brooks grew a pair.

Dead?

Dead?

Deal? Deal.

Define manage. (LYLA CHUCKLES)

Definitely not the only one. ABBY: Oh, really?

Delia used to represent the executive producer of Blood Sisters.

Delia, thank you so much for interrupting what was probably an awesome evening.

Delia, you look stunning.

DELIA: Abby McCarthy.

DELIA: Barry Juck, our senior partner, Al Wilcox.

DELIA: Women supporting women, that's what it's all about.

Delia?

Delia. Hi, can you make it happen?

Delia. I told her you weren't available until after 3:00.

Did he? Mmm hmm.

Did I get the Xbox hooked up?

Did it ever occur to you that maybe Becca is significant to me?

Did it? No.

Did she snap? I mean, look.

Did you feel guilty after? Did you enjoy it?

Did you forget?

Did you get the Xbox hooked up?

Did you have fun?

Did you think about Jake during?

Did, did Phoebe invite you to her big debut?

Diego, he just messed up his thumb doing karate.

Divorce sucks, and we need to figure out how to be better for you.

Divorcees for family equality, yay!

Do it! Go!

Do you feel better? I mean, I...

Do you have a problem talking with anybody ever?

Do you know what I'm saying?

Do you not know the rules? I can walk you through it.

Do you really not understand?

Do you remember when the girl fight was the big story?

Do you see?

Do you think I didn't... Girl, you know you a big deal.

Do you want anything? No, thank you.

Do you want me to wait in the car so you won't be embarrassed?

Do you want us to come over later?

Does Spider Man do Spider Man y things?

Does Superman fly? Whoa.

Does this donut make me look blonde?

Doing karaoke.

Don't call me in here again.

Don't look at me.

Don't murder Dan. Don't murder Dan.

Don't say anything. Okay.

Don't talk about your wife.

Don't tell her to call Delia.

Don't trash the other person.

Don't try to buy the kids' affections.

Don't worry about Becca with the kids, 'cause she is great.

Don't you dare.

Don't you start with me.

Don't you think we're moving a little fast?

Don't... You needn't finish that sentence. No.

Done.

Donna, this is my mother, Annie.

Donna.

Dr. Marber.

Dude, I'm trying to bail myself out here.

Dude, you know what? Just stop being a pussy and tell her the truth.

Enjoy. (CLICKS TONGUE)

Enough with the "slut". (YELLING) Slut!

ERIC: Good night, Daddy. I love you.

ERIC: Mice cream? (LAUGHS)

Even though you smell like beer.

Every morning, you forget.

Every time. LUCO: I'm telling Mom!

Everybody, Barry, Lyla Straley.

Everybody, go, go back to one, please.

Everybody's applausing and crazy...

Everyone should have the right to un marry

Everything that I do, everything,

Everything, the coaching,

Everything.

Ew.

Except we're not gonna watch TV.

Excuse me?

Excuse me.

Falling in love, and getting married.

Farm to table, ethically butchered... Lyla.

Find something that relaxes you,

Fine. Punching out.

First kiss first?

First kiss in the rain, that would be great.

First night without the kids can be a little bit weird.

First times can be weird.

Fix the goddamn window.

For a couple of writers, that's some terrible banter.

For anybody.

For example?

For the married couple?

For the parent to interact with the class.

For us, getting close.

Ford and Max are not an example

Ford Phillips and Max McCarthy.

Ford Phillips has been a master of the marketing universe for over a decade.

FORD: Come one, Charlie.

FORD: Hey.

FORD: I got the lamb and you got the chicken.

FORD: Okay, so that horse?

FORD: That play was amazing.

FORD: That was not Lyla.

FORD: Yeah, but our kids are aggressively cute.

Forgive me, I'm so sorry I'm late.

Gay divorce.

Gentlemen, can I get you another bottle of the cab?

Get back on the writing horse.

Get her out of here! You stepping to me, bitch? Huh?

Get in there right now.

GIRL: That's so awesome.

Girlfriends' Guide To The Terrible Teens.

Gluten.

Go by Nordstrom?

Go get 'em, baby.

Go on. (DOOR CREAKS)

Go tear it up today, gents.

Go to Home Depot. Thank you.

God, no. Just...

God, of course Phoebe and that euro couple are friends.

God, take it. Take it. Shh.

God, this is so stupid. Lilly...

God!

God.

Goes not to an individual, but to a couple.

Good evening, everybody.

Good morning, sunshine.

Gorgeous. Thank you.

Got it.

Got it.

Got it. Okay.

Grandma gave it to me.

Grandpa's dead.

Great night, Dad. Thanks a lot.

Great work, Delia. Thank you.

Great.

Great. I got to go. Okay, okay, I got it. Bye.

Great. Let's. Have a seat.

Green grocer, small batch, locally sourced,

Grow up, Jake.

Guilt, duty, obligation. Please don't make me call.

Guys, everyone's had a rough night.

Gym bag. Seriously?

Ha. I figured it out.

Had sex.

Have fun at school.

Have her pick up a few and drop them by the house.

Have the animals eaten the zookeeper?

Have we met? Lyla Straley.

Having a wardrobe malfunction. (ALL LAUGH)

Having somebody like you in my life,

He brings it from class to class.

He just wiped his boogers all over your phone.

He says one day I might even be able to meet her.

He seems lovely.

He tugged at my labial flap.

He'll take care of you. Mmm hmm. Mmm hmm.

He's 28. Okay, wow.

He's a Brit, she's... I don't know.

He's amazing.

He's gone. I'm free.

He's just gonna come to your house.

He's my shortstop and my cleanup hitter.

He's so great.

He's so stupid.

He's still married.

Heineken.

Hello, sir. Delia Banai.

Hello.

Hello. Hi, Delia.

Hello. Hi, Mom.

Hello. Hi.

Hello. Look at you.

Help?

Her mom is here, and... Oh.

Here we go, Jamie.

Here you go. One for you, for you.

Here's something.

Hey, did you finish your homework?

Hey, hey, hey

Hey, hey, hey, hey

Hey, hey, hey, what are you doing?

Hey, hey, hey. You guys, language.

Hey, hey, sorry it took so long to get back to you.

Hey, I need you to move all my afternoon drive bys

Hey, Lilly, hey.

Hey, Lyla. Hi.

Hey, Nate.

Hey, Rachel.

Hey, Sarsgaard.

Hey, stop, stop, stop.

Hey, superhero, seriously, the window.

Hey, the sitter just texted me. The kids are waiting up.

Hey, what are you wearing to the Family Equality gala?

Hey, what now?

Hey, you two ever looking to score any coke cialis, or whatnot, I'm your guy.

Hey, you.

Hey. Good morning, sunshine.

Hey. Hi.

Hey. Lilly, nice to meet you.

Hey. Okay. I'll see you there.

Hi, Abby. Hi.

Hi, Eudora. NATE: Zayden and Zenon.

Hi, gorgeous.

Hi, hi.

Hi, honey. You look amaze.

Hi, it's me.

Hi, nice to see you. Delia, Merete.

Hi, Vicki?

Hi.

Hi.

Hi.

Hi. (SCHOOL BELL RINGING)

Hi. Delia, I don't think you've met Vika and Merete.

Hi. Guess who got some last night.

Hi. Hello.

Hi. Hey.

Hi. Hi, Mom.

Hi. Hi, that was fantastic, right?

Hi. Hi.

Hi. I'm Lyla.

Hi. Ladies, hi.

Hi. Oh, Max, as in "Max and Ford."

Hi. This is from Dad.

Hi. This is Lilly.

Hipper than thou and say that I saw the, uh...

His first night at the new place.

Hmm, so was it rebound sex or not so much?

Hmm...

Hold on.

Holy high tit job.

Holy shit.

Holy shit.

Home wrecking? How about your home, Lyla?

Honestly, I'm trying to figure that out myself.

Honestly, it was a little weird.

Honey, can I talk to you?

Hoo. Wow.

Hookers and blow, obviously.

Hoping for redemption yet

Horrible. Oh, my God.

HOST: Wow, ouch.

Households, everything.

How about a Vicodin?

How about this? I will take the walnut bookshelves

How about you? How about your family?

How about your home, Lyla? How about you?

How are you?

How crazy is that? And guess what? Guess where they took me?

How did we get in here?

How did you even get in?

How do I get a hold of you?

How do you feel about menopause?

How does she do it? I don't know.

How does she do that? 20 minutes.

How else was it just gonna happen?

How hard is it

How horrible. Oh, my God.

How is that going?

How is this all gonna be okay?

How many times have you said that this week?

How would I know?

How would I know? How is this my fault?

How you doing? This is Max.

How'd you find her?

How's Delia?

Huge. Um, seriously,

Huh, do you work on a computer at work?

Hurry up, Mom. We're gonna be late.

I accepted the award,

I already have a suit. Uh uh.

I already have.

I am flattered.

I am gonna give you the younger man experience.

I am incredibly horny.

I am literally old enough to be his mother.

I am so ready. Okay. (GIGGLES)

I am terribly sorry, but I need a huge favor.

I am the sole breadwinner in my house.

I am. CLARK: We've heard so much about you.

I am. I'm sorry. (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

I apologize for having a job.

I asked you a question. Does your father know you're here?

I asked you for one thing today, keep it simple.

I bet it was.

I came.

I can't afford another lawyer.

I can't be cleverer 'cause I'm distracted by you.

I can't believe I'm missing this.

I can't believe Jake wouldn't fix the window.

I can't believe you did karaoke with Becca Riley.

I can't believe you!

I can't do it.

I can't do it.

I can't get behind it. I don't believe in that stuff.

I can't get behind it. I don't believe in that stuff.

I can't have my man looking all raggedy A S S.

I can't hear anything. YouTube it.

I can't help it. It's like... Like I have apology Tourette's.

I can't imagine why people think you have anger issues, Lyla.

I could bring over some fonuts later.

I dare anyone to see that and question his right to be a dad

I did back him up, but he's launching a major charm attack,

I did everything you would have done.

I did not expect that.

I didn't bring her up. You know what?

I didn't lose her. She played me.

I didn't punch him.

I didn't want to play this card.

I do have something for the anxiety though.

I do not. You're processing. I totally understand that.

I do too.

I do, again and again.

I do! In this case, I do.

I do.

I do.

I don't even know how you get a live horse on the stage.

I don't have anger issues.

I don't have anything against her personally, at all.

I don't have time to be doing this, and I already have a suit.

I don't have to deal with his snotty little side glances

I don't have to deal with it, because they have each other for that.

I don't have to talk about Nate if it's gonna make you all...

I don't know if it's Photoshop, or...

I don't know who you are.

I don't know why your wife's nipples are cold.

I don't know, about your ad campaign for pop chips,

I don't know, just keep going.

I don't know.

I don't know.

I don't know. I don't want to freak her out.

I don't know. I'm a feminist,

I don't know. I'm texting him now. "Max, where are you?"

I don't want to be asking it, but it's not for me.

I don't want to know about your feelings all the time.

I don't work, my kids don't go to school.

I don't... I don't know the rules.

I don't... I mean, do you always narrate like that?

I feel like I could wrestle a bear, or a shark, or I don't even know.

I feel like I know you so much better.

I feel like I'm losing everything.

I feel like I'm losing everything.

I fell hard.

I get angry from time to time, justifiably, but I manage it.

I get that.

I go to shake Sidney Poitier's hand.

I got it.

I got it.

I got it.

I got power bars for Lilly.

I got stuck.

I got the Xbox hooked up.

I got to get a good thumb protocol in place, stem any swelling.

I got to go.

I got to unpack before I pick up the kids.

I guess I'm blue this weekend.

I had no idea that... Stop yelling at me.

I hadn't thought of that,

I hate.

I have a book idea.

I have been arm candy for half an hour.

I have bigger problems.

I have many Jesuses.

I have no more ideas. No, no, no.

I have so much work to do on me, on everything.

I have something for you.

I have to go call Jade.

I have to go pack.

I have to say that I was actually really nervous

I have to take a photo. Come on.

I have to take a photo. Come on.

I have to tell you. Okay, okay.

I heard you were the shit, man.

I heard you. Max, please, come on right now!

I hope you didn't go out of your way.