The League (2009) - Season 1 Edit

A 9 year old who will work his testicle free magic...

A bet's a bet.

A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum?

A gentleman never tells if she's ugly.

A good player. I grant you that.

A man with a 65 inch LED TV...

Aaron Rodgers.

About a couple days, a week at most. What do you say?

According to her vag All other pussies are useless

Ah, yes, it's, uh, the smell of jealousy...

Ah! Ah! Ah! Ow! Ow! Ow!

Aha! See, I told you.

All I know is I'm gonna take that trophy from your hands...

All I know is that if I don't come soon, that I'm gonna physically get sick.

All I know is when I hold it, I will sing.

All I need is five minutes and... Don't worry about it, it's cool.

All I'm saying is, it's supposed to be a friend vacation. We had our first intruder.

All I'm saying to you is, you have your pick of the litter.

All I'm saying to you is, you have your pick of the litter.

All of you.

All right, can you guys please stop? The free ride's over.

All right, enough, enough, enough. Stop.

All right, fine. I'll get a job.

All right, guys. This is problematic.

All right, I'll take care of your little footsies.

All right, I'm gonna go find him...

All right, it's weird. You got a trophy with my girlfriend's face on it.

All right, LT. How's the ankle, bud?

All right, so watch out. This week I'm up against you.

All right, sweetie, I'll be gentle.

All right, up and them, sleepies. Hey, Taco, Jacques Cousteau.

All right, we got the four of us, the two out of town idiots are on auto draft.

All right, well, Andre, then I think you're the next choice, my friend.

All right, you're excused.

All right. And they are asymmetrical.

All right. Let me take a look at her.

All right. Martina Hingis.

All right. Matt Forte

All right. Maybe last year was a trade ****.

All right. Now I have three pairs.

All right. What do you want?

All the Purell in the world not gonna fix that

All you have to do is win.

Almost game time. Let's do it.

Also, I wanna take this moment to talk about league fees.

Also, if we got a divorce, she would get half of my money...

An excellent question

And 92 percent of the time, hot women inside the Volkswagen Jettas.

And 92 percent of the time, hot women inside the Volkswagen Jettas.

And all I wanna do is watch the game, and find out how my team does.

And all of a sudden, this guy comes out of nowhere..

And at this point Your mom wanted to give your dad head

And boys do stupid things, like get naked in alleyways.

And daddy will get his own. Uh oh.

And he gave me Plaxico Burress.

And he has songs.

And he tore her panties off

And here comes the soup.

And his wee wee was hard as a rock

And I cannot wait to play next year, because I shall be victorious!

And I don't think she's going anywhere any time soon, guys.

And I just wanted to come in...

And I like the way that you just own it, man.

And I only offer it to special clients.

And I think a mistake

And I think that Pete would want with his first pick...

And I wanna say, for myself, and Taco...

And I'll deliver her to Andre tomorrow. Oh, God.

And I'm all about Shiva.

And I'm gonna give your client seven years. I'm gonna knock it down from 10 to seven.

And I'm well equipped to do that. So buckle up, buttercup.

And if memory serves, I believe that's a turd.

And if you network, just imagine.

And it is over. My decision's been made.

And it will be pure Fantasy Football nirvana.

And it's been the best three weeks of my life.

And just so you know, this is a very minor exam.

And Kevin, oh, he's lost all this weight.

And let me keep you all to me, okay?

And let me tell you, you just won. This is like the final four, okay?

And looking healthy so far.

And my season is over. My season is over!

And nine months before that magical day

And now he's getting egg rolls?

And now he's making jokes at me, like some tiny frittata Don Rickles.

And now I get to yell at you in person.

And now it's just... It's over, so...

And people enjoy watching that, or yoga if that's more to your preference.

And right as he's about to blow, they yank him out...

And rub my belly

And rumor is, he actually beat someone last week.

And tell Hammer I'll miss him most of all.

And that is me.

And that is why I'm talking to you now.

And then I am out. You should join me.

And then please, don't hesitate to call if you need anything.

And then she was born and you still thought she was a boy.

And then you make these terrible bets...

And then your dad was so excited To get inside your mom

And they were having a good time

And this is better than those things.

And this week, it's Antonio Gates.

And this would be the ultimate Shiva blast.

And those guys are great.

And to... Can we...?

And we can watch the game. Perfect.

And we have what I believe is enough evidence to put you away for 10 years.

And what seems to be the problem with the car?

And when they got home They were horny as hell

And whenever I saw a Volkswagen Jetta, I did a little check on a banana leaf.

And who is to blame this time?

And you know what I've been doing is I've been sowing and now I'm reaping.

And you know why? Because we don't speak the language.

And your dad threw your mom Down on the bed

And your mom came at least three times

And, to top it all off, we even made a trade.

And...

Andre is beating you and I am helping.

Andre Potter and the Fantasy Zone is coming for you.

Andre, do you want to stay?

Andre, we don't care how much money you make.

Andre, you're a plastic surgeon.

Another successful draft.

Another tragic week in Ruxin Nation.

Antonio Gates has not let up.

Antonio Gates.

Any visual aid is cheating.

Anyone pick Keyshawn Johnson?

Anything near the shaft area...

Anything new?

Anything. Anything at all.

Apparently this place is really good. It's Tom Berenger's favorite Chinese restaurant.

Are there unicorns snowing teardrops of Elton John songs?

Are we still gonna go to Pinkberry on the way home?

Are you a Tony?

Are you basically saying I should get back together with Meegan...

Are you happy now? Are you finished?

Are you...? Oh, you're ser...

As a doctor, trust me, I know.

As an attorney, I don't see it that way.

As does the guy who's with her. So you might wanna use discretion.

As much as I enjoy listening to your diatribes...

As your current champion and three time winner...

Ask her a question.

Ask her about her dress or where she gets the shoes.

At some point, there were some food items in the bag.

At the gym, they're just bouncing around. I just have to order this new sports bra.

Attagirl. There you go

Aw, chewing on his tongue like it's gum.

Aw...

Aww!

Baby?

Back left pocket, wallet. Front right pocket, cell phone.

Bathroom window was open.

Be a love and go fetch it for me.

Be easy. Oh, look at this.

Beaches. Come on.

Beautiful? He's got the Ruxin face.

Beautiful.

Because he... I don't know, you just gotta trust me.

Because I actually needed silverware.

Because I already got a party bus.

Because I don't wanna sleep in Ed Hardy pajamas.

Because I have been cursing your name all week long.

Because I have premium plus service, which means I get 200 miles of free towing.

Because I'm going to be with my good luck charm, Shiva.

Because now, instead of Cale, we're gonna have to name him after one of her uncles.

Because obviously...

Because people wouldn't give a normal person change.

Because we won.

Been waiting on yours. I hope you brought them.

Beep, beep.

Being married to Meegan is like being at the beach, okay?

Bing Crosby, lose the hat. Freaking the kids out.

Book. First word.

Boys, let's get to it here.

Bradshaw on the phone, LT on the field.

Brilliant.

Brilliant. That's Theresa too, with my dry cleaning.

Bring my puzzles, my slingshot, my Sega Genesis.

Bryce.

But can't you just scurry back for like one week?

But I can't.

But I have a disease. A periodontal disease.

But I was on the Internet supporting my wife...

But I would never do it.

But if I did have a girlfriend, a gentleman never tells.

But in spite of that, I've been having a great time with my number one friend, Pete.

But it's not gonna make you feel any better.

But on top of that, I wrote Ellie a birthday song.

But that is not who you're gonna be drafting

But that was his name. So I...

But that's why you belong.

But the truth is, some beaches suck. Some beaches are bad.

But this year, my intentions are pure.

But we can all take a lesson from Andre, please put your own picks on the board

But you need it because it fills up space.

But your dad also wanted...

But, um...

But, you know, it's, like, already paid for...

By the way, can you believe Andre actually won?

Cadillac Williams. Tashard Choice.

Cadillac Williams. Tashard Choice.

Cale, come here.

Cale?

Cale's made a doodie.

Call my lips girly one more time, I will take this chopstick and shove it in your pee hole.

Call Taco and tell him that The League has actually started

Can I ask you a question?

Can I ask you why you're dressed like a Russian house DJ?

Can I ask? Do you have great confidence in your pussy, or is this vaginal hubris?

Can I bring maybe one of those guys?

Can I get your info, maybe give you a shout at some point?

Can I just say, next week, I would like to extend an invitation to you...

Can I offer to buy you a beverage? A beer perhaps?

Can I trust you?

Can I upgrade to DSL for like five minutes?

Can we get back on track and explain to you that my balls are like New Orleans...

Can we get one cool for Andre?

Can we just wait for a second?

Can we please wait?

Can you even hear this?

Can you hold on with your drinks for a second, please?

Can you imagine you going to a bar right now?

Can you tell sexual orientation by how much he loves charades?

Cannot thank you enough.

Catch you on the rebound, frumpkins.

Cave on everything else, okay

Cease and desist immediately.

Chances are, there'll be one inside.

Change your lineup. The afternoon game hasn't even started.

Check out the Hingis on that one.

Cheers.

Child, please.

Child, please.

Chinatown urinal. I'm forever unclean.

Clearly Kevin doesn't have slow swimmers, does he?

Come inside. Make yourselves at home. Get comfortable.

Come midnight, she'll be back. Watch.

Come on, emerge from the submarine.

Come on, feel it. Come on, feel it.

Come on.

Come on. Come on.

Come on. Come on.

Come on. No, no, no.

Come on. We gotta go.

Come to Papa.

Consensual my ass, okay?

Could any name sound more like genitalia than Hingis?

Cover yourself in this.

Daddy, dance with Mr. McGibblets.

Daddy, dance with Mr. McGibblets.

Daddy's friends think they're gonna go balls deep in him...

Damn it.

Damn it.

Dance for me.

Dance.

Darren Sproles? No, no, no

Darren Sproles. Good pick. Good job.

Daughter's birthday.

Deal.

Dick.

Did he just Shiva blast in here?

Did I hear something about a carnival?

Did I never tell you? I suffer from sleep apnea.

Did I never tell you? I suffer from sleep apnea.

Did we get paroled?

Did you just rent that so you could have your own bed?

Did you like that thing we did last night?

Did you notice that girl looks exactly like the girl on the trophy?

Did you order anything yet?

Did you say you would see him at soup group?

Didn't I tell you? This was the weekend Meegan and I planned...

Do they say, "Oh, Andre, can we shoot it in the back of your mouth"?

Do you have, like, an emergency spider vein, or a tit popped or something like that?

Do you think single life is gonna be easier?

Doesn't even... Well...

Don't ask these people, tell them.

Don't cave on this. It's important.

Don't even worry about it.

Don't look at me. I'm boning a Lithuanian.

Don't squeeze it.

Don't stretch. Come on.

Don't touch me.

Don't worry though. I'm gonna hold your purse and your lip gloss.

Don't you spank me. Don't you spank me.

Down Dog. Is it a yoga benefit?

Down, ape man. You all just back off.

Dr. Dre, you are killing it.

Dre. What's up, man?

Drops a 40 burger on me. You know what, I hope this guy gets mouth cancer.

Dude, great party, right?

Dude, l... All right.

Dude, you do not understand, okay?

Dude, you're messing with me, because I got high.

Dumbest thing I've ever heard.

Dune? Dune?

DVD on how to save your marriage after an affair.

Ehh! Answer is zero. Because the guy is in jail for two years, you moron.

Eight years, things have changed, bigtime.

Either way, let's get moving here.

Ellie, go outside.

Ellie?

English. Oh, yeah, you so dirty.

Enjoy losing. We could have won, one year.

Enjoy my home, watch the games. It will be lovely.

Ernie, do you remember waving...

Eskimo brother.

Especially when they get to New Orleans. Are you texting on your phone?

Even though the doctors said she was gonna be a girl.

Even though you stole my son's name...

Ever think about that? I'm ready to go. You ready?

Everybody fights. We fight like cats and dogs but..

Everything looks okay, all right. You doing okay?

Except that, "Hey, we're at the beach."

Excuse me, I apologize if I wanted to bask in the reflective glow of my close friends.

Excuse me, sir.

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Excuse me. I did not piss on my hands.

Facts are facts.

Fantastic.

Fantasy Football.

Finally. Jesus.

Fine. I need to go to the spa and schvitz it out.

Fine. We can talk about my bye week issues.

First course is shrimp cocktail. Enjoy.

First course?

First of all, just so you know, this is the same thing Vin Diesel wore in xXx.

First of all, you can't just go up and talk to a girl anymore, all right?

First pick, Adrian Peterson.

Follow me.

Foot rubs are my specialty.

For the number one pick...

For the third pick of the draft..

Frank Gore's... Frank Gore's out, man.

Front left pocket, freedom...

Fuck.

Fun with feces?

Game one, very exciting.

Game two, we've got your three peat champion..

Game?

Gather around. It's time to pick the draft order.

Gay.

Gentlemen, let's just take a moment here to celebrate something...

Gentlemen, take a look around...

Gentlemen, to... Can we...?

Get all single men out of here. Anyone with communicable diseases.

Get in the house. Get in the house. Come in.

Get some food and head back to the table.

Get to it, Pete.

Get your overalls on, grab your mop, get out there.

Ghana.

Ghana.

Girly lips.

Give me a shot at this. Give me a shot at this.

Give me the number one.

Give us a ruling. Who gets Glen Coffee?

Gives me a different perspective. This is the end of the Shiva year.

Gives me a good idea about Mr. McGibblets.

Go for it, you son of a bitch!

Go inside and be professional, do our jobs.

Go, come on. Go.

Go!

God bless Fantasy Football. There are many things a man can do with his time.

God bless you and your big, hairy Tony Gonzalez man balls...

God bless you, Tony Gonzalez.

God. Oh, Kevin!

God. Right into the night.

Goddamn it, I made it. I'm very happy to be here.

Goddamn it!

Gonna clean up some pee pee Cleaning up the pee pee

Gonna hang out with Ellie all day. It's gonna be awesome.

Good chance for our friend Pete here to meet some single ladies...

Good girl.

Good idea. Let's do it.

Good man, Ruxin.

Good night.

Good show, old boy.

Good to go.

Good, kind, gentlemanly competition.

Good. Well, please let me know if there's anything you need.

Goods not as advertised, Ruxin.

Got it out of your system? Not gonna do that for 15 years?

Got it. Right

Got your e mail.

Gotta go. All right, bye.

Gotta stay here with you guys. That okay?

Grabs you

Granted, it's a Bounce Test video for some bra website...

Great.

Great. Excellent.

Great. That's enough.

Guarantee he throws four picks in the first game.

Guess what. I'm your mother, but I'm cool now.

Guys, everybody, this is Cale.

Guys, I need checks on time this year.

Guys, there's some dessert, guys.

Guys, we got a wine tasting coming up at 2:00.

Ha, ha, ha. The king is dead.

Halt, or there will be trouble.

Hang out in the basement. In about an hour, go up to Ellie's room...

Happy birthday

Happy birthday

Happy birthday, princess.

Have a good meeting.

Have you guys been working in collusion? You're all against me.

Have you had a chance to explore the grounds?

He could've picked Bill Shatner. He doesn't know the difference.

He cry.

He didn't know it was a bye week?

He drank a bunch of three penis wine and he's been trying to give me a handy.

He gets a little break from us. He learns to be on his own.

He gets my Manning Jersey, and I get a championship. What?

He goes for five years. We swap first rounds.

He got here after us. How is he getting it first?

He got high off your pubes?

He is. Looks like you kids got this under control.

He means, oh, yeah.

He screwed me. He didn't screw any of you guys.

He sounds like a Civil War general.

He threw to not DeSean Jackson.

He told me I could trust him.

He's a Fantasy Football genius, okay?

He's got his own place now.

He's got these shoebox calves, that beautiful chestnut black skin.

He's in the Shiva Bowl. He's not even here to enjoy it.

He's in the Shiva Bowl. Thank you.

He's playing you, Taco.

He's totally immature. I mean, you don't just leave your wife.

Hello, everyone. I'm Terry Bradshaw from Fox Sports Studio.

Hello, gentlemen. And welcome to the playoffs.

Hello, is Matthew there?

Hello, you collection of shit sippers.

Hello?

Hello.

Hello. Heh, heh.

Her breasts are swollen in a way that is uncomfortable for her.

Her hands are not going anywhere near you.

Her name's Shiva.

Her peach Her bearded ham is well groomed

Her pussy confidence is unbreakable Like Bruce Willis

Her vagina is a church And her slit is the steeple

Her vulva's one of Barbara Walters' Most fascinating people

Here I'm Dre, okay?

Here we go. One, two, three.

Here we got some tires. They are ribbed, for the road's pleasure.

Here you go, Mr. McGibblets. This is for you.

Here's my card. My name's Claire.

Here's some keys, so you can come back whenever you want.

Here's some mail.

Hey, Andre, you're up, man.

Hey, babe, did you print that recipe?

Hey, can you give my girl a foot rub if she needs one?

Hey, check out special needs Harry Potter over there.

Hey, dig in everyone. All right.

Hey, Dr. No. Hey, heads up, man.

Hey, Frank, dirty, dirty, rocks with a splash of Tabasco.

Hey, guess what I did yesterday.

Hey, he's getting tea.

Hey, hey, giggly, it's rude to talk on the phone in front of your friends.

Hey, hey, hey! Bring back that car, you asshole!

Hey, hey, hey. Check it out, check it out.

Hey, hold on a second.

Hey, I'm in the middle of a spank session here and my Internet just...

Hey, is Bradshaw around?

Hey, man, you know Tiffany?

Hey, Meegan? Have you seen my lucky draft shirt?

Hey, Pete, it's Terry.

Hey, that's a nice trophy. What's it for?

Hey, Theresa. Come on in.

Hey, this morning, I was making my own deodorant.

Hey, Uncle Pete, is everything all right?

Hey, what are you doing? I need that.

Hey, what's up? I got a reservation for three, for Nozic.

Hey, where's Ellie?

Hey, you guys are unbelievable.

Hey, you.

Hey, you're on TV, man.

Hey, your week two champion has arrived.

Hey! Shivakamini Somakandarkram

Hey! Shivakamini Somakandarkram

Hey.

Hey.

Hey.

Hi, Claire.

Hi, I got off the phone with the out of towners.

Hi, I have Peter calling for Mr. Bradshaw.

Hi, me from before.

Hi, table for two please?

Hi, Terry.

Hi, this is Pete. I'd like to speak with Terry Bradshaw, please.

Hi. Give it, give it up.

His second touchdown today.

His testicles, I'm sure, are fine.

Hm.

Hmm.

Hmm. Hello, message board.

Hold your horses. Hold your horses, okay?

Holy.

Honestly...

Hot girl, Volkswagen Jetta.

Hot tea.

How about we seat ourselves because you're so pleasant.

How about...? What's this? Can we get some of this?

How are you enjoying your stay here?

How are you gonna be quiet? How can you not tell Shiva you're in the Shiva Bowl?

How are yours? Did they stay that way, let me see?

How did it happen? I don't know.

How do they even tell the dog has Down syndrome?

How do you get things done?

How does a woman know that her husband has slow swimmers?

How is that guy getting tea?

How long are you including the package for?

How long have you been in it?

How many games have you seen Plaxico Burress play?

How many times do I have to tell you? Wanna talk on Sundays, don't call me.

How much of me having sex did you actually watch?

How was the bathroom?

How was the expedition, captain?

How was your day?

How you doing?

How's it going, Lorraine?

How's Jenny?

How's the baby?

I already told Sofia that I had some lawyer bullshit this weekend.

I am done hearing about her breasts. I am done hearing you talk about my vagina.

I am not going to answer that

I am sending you a fruit basket, sir. Thank you.

I appreciate the generosity.

I can assure you that Meegan is taking this very seriously.

I can back up my smack talk, my friend.

I can see why Meegan left you. I see it. I see it.

I can show you the prescriptions I have for a special toothpaste.

I can watch as much porn as I want as long as I'm working out.

I can't do it this year.

I can't go back to the beach, man, I'm done.

I can't have porno in the house...

I can't talk to her. We have nothing in common

I cannot believe you just got into this hot tub.

I cannot believe you just got into this hot tub.

I clean up. I get to the bottom.

I could have gotten... No, no.

I cracked open the penis wine and I've never had it on an empty stomach before.

I did it. I did it.

I didn't cry. I did not cry in there.

I didn't know that. But now that I met you, I'm happy that it turned out that way.

I didn't piss on my hand.

I didn't piss on my hands. Exc...

I disagree. Look at the can on that one.

I disagree. Look at the can on that one.

I do apologize. I realize I'm a little bit tardy. I wanted to get somewhat organized.

I do not like that place.

I don't even know where she lives.

I don't know what happened. It's from all the towing.

I don't know what my plans are, okay? I don't have a curfew.

I don't know what this is. But I'm gonna find out.

I don't know what to do here. Kurt Warner? Peyton Manning?

I don't know who's got Glen Coffee.

I don't know.

I don't know.

I don't know. Found it in the back.

I don't know. He's probably on his way.

I don't know. The Giants have been doing...

I don't like the way porno magazines smell, okay? Ugh.

I don't pay for drinks here. The bartender's my Eskimo brother.

I don't recognize that. I don't know what that is.

I don't think negging is for me, I gotta say. It's not my speed.

I don't think we need to go quick.

I don't trust any of you, but I'm willing to try.

I don't wanna sound corny, but it's nice, you and I having one on one time.

I dropped some toothpicks on the floor one time and he counted them quickly.

I feel like we're at the same spot.

I figured we play Fantasy Football, but let's live a fantasy life.

I got a deal with Jenny.

I got a little Shiva charm, just to help me into the playoffs.

I got a little, uh, Roethlisberger update on the elbow.

I got a running back... My number one running back's...

I got an apartment. It's over.

I got disguised as a homeless person, and I walked downtown.

I got her silverware.

I got him fair and square.

I got it.

I got Jeffrey on the baby cam there, so we can watch him...

I got the spoons and the cinnamon for the coffee.

I got this, I got this.

I got wasted.

I got wit and charm and personality. I'm bringing me to the table.

I gotta change the energy up.

I gotta go home and take care of this. I'll see you guys.

I gotta go, man. I can't talk to you, it's...

I gotta say it's a little awkward seeing you here after the mediation.

I gotta... It's gonna be super busy.

I guess I'll try to explain

I had a couple meetings. I'm in between.

I had a feeling.

I had no idea how complex man pants actually were.

I had to blow town. Neighborhood fuzz is on my tail.

I had to drop Ellie off at her grandmother's to come back...

I had to get as close as I could.

I had, like, a half day, and I was just getting some stuff done here.

I hadn't really thought about bringing a guy with me, or...

I hate my friends!

I hate that thing. I hate it with all my heart.

I hated my Uncle Pete, you dickhead.

I have a "cats fighting" ring tone.

I have a job. I make ring tones.

I have a mental erection.

I have a theory.

I have a very big, delicious lunch coming up.

I have an examination this afternoon. So I will also have to decline.

I have done the bi week plug ins. I've done it all.

I have Meegan's assets here...

I have not been invited over since the arrival of The First Human Child. Have you been?

I have some snacks for you guys, but please don't fill up.

I have studied the waver wire.

I have to pick up some three penis wine anyway.

I have to say, I'm so happy that you're back in our lives.

I have to watch my daughter, that means I'm pussy whipped.

I haven't seen her in a while.

I haven't seen it.

I heard about it. I didn't think it was that guy.

I heard if you look directly at him, he'll blind you.

I just found it at the gas station, in the bargain bin.

I just paid my cleaning lady $200 for my own T shirt.

I just wanna hear about you. What are you up to these days?

I knew it. Go ahead, laugh.

I know all the sleepers.

I know he's been good, but I really have a gut instinct about Kurt Warner.

I know it's gonna be natural for me to be the topic of conversation tonight.

I know it's in there.

I know what the issue is here. He's got the real Shiva.

I know what Tom Cruise felt like in Rain Man.

I know, but it's the same thing.

I know, but let me say my thing.

I know. We gotta win this year.

I like going for rides. Whoo hoo.

I like going for rides. Whoo hoo.

I like her.

I like the new pad. Nice.

I looked over at you and you were just down her cleavage.

I love playing with you guys.

I love this kid. I love this kid.

I love you guys. You're the best.

I love you.

I make love to Shiva, and then I get the Shiva.

I may get wasted, sleep at Taco's.

I mean me and Meegan are done. It's over.

I mean, at this point we're sub frittata.

I mean, can you imagine losing to that guy?

I mean, I wouldn't mind getting a second pair of eyes on these pair.

I mean, Pete...

I mean, she gave him all the good years. Pete hasn't even grown up.

I mean, the guy has hammies that could literally pull a car.

I might have a beer.

I need all you sucktards to keep your mouth shut.

I need to know because I help you out with your team

I never told him. How do you tell someone that?

I once had a policeman...

I only rented it for two days. We got a deal?

I ordered a Riesling.

I put her down for a nap a half hour ago.

I see this kind of thing all the time.

I spent a lot of time, lot of effort into it, got very excited.

I stole a KitKat last week.

I think Ellie's got the same bow on today.

I think it's pretty easy to keep my Fantasy Football life away from my real life.

I think maybe we're getting soup.

I think the couples retreat wine tasting may be the worst place to pick up on women.

I thought you were kidding. Sorry.

I told her the church was like a really progressive synagogue.

I told you in confidence that we were trying to have another baby.

I understand on the spectrum from "I wanna have sex with you" to "I wanna kill you"...

I understand the Bears game is close, and that game is a blowout.

I wanna be with you guys. I wanna be on the party bus.

I wanna have them fondled, professionally.

I wanna ride tandem bicycles with you.

I wanna snuggle with you and rub off your luck all over my face and balls.

I want it so bad. Look at it. It's so strong.

I want Peyton Manning.

I was actually worried about LT this weekend.

I was breaking up with my other league.

I was expecting a little bit of a challenge this week.

I was gonna bring nunchucks. I didn't think she'd know what they were.

I was in love with another woman, Shiva.

I was just chicken scratching it out.

I was just seeing if she would be a good nanny.

I was standing perfectly still, pointing at my face.

I was thinking about football...

I was thinking of something different, and you're a great godfather.

I washed my hands in the urinal.

I wasn't gonna miss an opportunity at a dude weekend.

I wasn't sensitive to your feelings as I was going through a split up with my wife.

I will drink a lot.

I will not tell Sofia that you're a pathetic...

I will when I see them.

I will win, okay, but there's something strange going on here.

I wonder why you weren't expecting me.

I work at the Volkswagen dealership.

I worked really hard this year to put together an amazing team.

I would be a little concerned of stretch marks when they're that big.

I would be scared shitless if someone broke in my house.

I would just like to say...

I would like to make a statement of goodwill and buy her a new one.

I would like you to have a kid so we're living under the same restrictions.

I would love a, uh, green tea.

I would think that it would be...

I would too.

I would trade my normal brain for his brain for one of those egg rolls.

I wouldn't go to that doctor.

I wouldn't have done this if your pay per view movies were reasonably priced.

I, um...

I'd love for you to know so, so I'll tell you quickly.

I'd love to hang out, but I gotta do this.

I'd prefer to have the specialist look at them.

I'd rather leave knowing we were very thorough.

I'll answer your question. Yes, definitely.

I'll pay 5 bucks for valet, but 6.50 is ridiculous.

I'll take you. I know my way around there.

I'll tell you what. There is one more package I can offer you.

I'm a little embarrassed to say this, but I haven't been with a woman...

I'm a new father. And that is scary.

I'm a urologist, specializing in genital reconstruction.

I'm cool, you're not.

I'm glad that you decided to cave on some things.

I'm going into the final game of the week, up by 39 points.

I'm going to win the Shiva.

I'm gonna be really busy, is what I'm saying.

I'm gonna do you so... Yeah, no, not you.

I'm gonna give you my sixth pick in the draft, okay?

I'm gonna make a toast.

I'm gonna order a pizza. You staying around for the game?

I'm gonna show you around the house.

I'm gonna suck it. I'm gonna dry hump it.

I'm gonna tell you that everybody loves magic.

I'm gonna win it like a man.

I'm gonna write my cell phone number on here, just so, you know, 24 hours a day.

I'm gonna, um...

I'm impressed with you this season.

I'm in bye week hell, by the way. I didn't mention that.

I'm Jamie Lee Curtis, you're Lindsay Lohan.

I'm just basically going to be checking on your testicles, one by one...

I'm just doing my job. My job is to go play football.

I'm just gonna go to the restroom.

I'm learning some good moves here. It's called the kidney shifter.

I'm looking at my wardrobe, and I'm like, I would like to be able to dress better too.

I'm pretty sure the deer penis does most of the work...

I'm putting it in the kitchen.

I'm really going.

I'm returning all the McGibblets stuff before Jenny comes home.