The League (2009) - Season 3 Edit

A big old retrograde uterus in there.

A dreamscape of femininity.

A fax?

A flash in the pan?

A giant

A man just came on my couch.

A menstrual medium?

A pothole right in front of it that will sc**** the tits right off of your car.

A what kind of party?

About the plight of the upper middle class white suburban male at all.

Absolutely not.

Absolutely.

Absolutely.

Absolutely. Ellie, you want to do Uncle Taco a littlitfavor?

Accident.

Actually, I don't think so.

Actually, I have the same requirements, but, uh, I don't care that much about

Actually, that is a great question.

Adios.

Ah, don d even... you don't even have to bother.

Ah!

All due to this guy right here, Mr. Taco.

All in.

All right, all right.

All right, come on, guys;

All right, cool.

All right, I been thinking about this a lot, and I think our

All right, just don't go crazy.

All right, listen.

All right, pick up the pace, little Ellie.

All right, so... since when does Sophia allow you to celebrate Judaism in your

All right, well, let's get rid of any man.

All right.

All right.

All right.

All right. But, uh, Kevin... Hey.

All right. I... I... I... I think I get it.

All right. Why don't you... You okay?

Am I?

Amen.

And a half chub?

And by the way, Baby Geoffrey, he can go to public school, too.

And congratulations. Hey.

And I am now open for any and all... Oh, ooh, boy.

And I got ten hours of Judaica themed trance music in case this party gets off

And I have to stop and get tampons.

And I smell like... Ow!

And just fall into the goal.

And last night, I saw a man paint a swastika on a bench.

And second, if I did look inward, which I won't, I think

And she's pretty.

And so I just threw in, like, some asparagus, and I hope

And that guy gets all the glory.

And that's how we do that.

And the airbrushing job's awesome.

And the mole on your left breast is gone.

And then you wonder why you're dating online.

And there he is!

And there's like a 65 %

And this bench is all she has.

And this dark city of Gotham's got a gloomy cloud, 'cause I'm

And what are these plants?

And whose fault is that?

And you look just like Tom Cruise.

And you said, "What? I've got testicular cancer."

And, uh, McArthur, table for two, I believe.

Andre about the porno... Guys.

Andre, I thought you were turning off the charm machine.

Andre, I thought you were turning off the charm machine.

Andre, I'm not going to interfere as long as you don't

Andre, please be cool.

Andre, there's no number on this thing.

Andre's sister?

Another bench, that's all.

Any player on my team the best team for information about

Any player?

Any player.

Anyone on my roster for information.

Anyway, after this Sukkot fiasco, does not look

Anyway, the street has never looked better.

Apologize.

Appreciate this.

Are those boobs? Gross!

Are you eating in here?

Are you pulling me from the game?

Are you pulling me from the game?

Arrivedei, amigas.

Art doesn't mean we can't sit on it.

As a favor to you, Ruxin, I am going to power down

As you can all see, all of our teams suck.

Ashley R. This is my girl.

Ashley's here to touch baby Jeffrey's dinger, none of yours.

Au pair!

Australian mining consortium.

Aw, thanks, pal.

Be good, buddy.

Because I'm thinking about... Gentlemen. Hi.

Because you said, "What? No."

Benefit is that we are now able to share a rich ******* tradition

Best part is you get her up there, you look all studly with

Bet you if you checked her out, you'd find out she's got

Blessed art thou, O Lord, our God, king of the universe...

Bogart my date with Matthew Berry.

Boof the charm machine.

Boom.

But Andre's sister's not even here.

But are you guys ready to order?

But I think I found a better solution.

But I'm also a single human person.

But it's t'se for us to clear the air and get a little honesty going, okay?

But just be aware... don't park in the driveway, because there's

But that is an egregious hate crime.

But we're one man short

But what does that say about you? What's going on with you today?

But who would save her from you?

But why aren't you inside of me right now?

But you need to be careful.

But, look, the bum's gone

But... I'm sorry. Shalom.

By the way, guys, don't touch the guacamole.

By the way, hooked up this giant screen to the TV inside,

Bye, Ash.

Bye, Matt.

Call the eight way trade.

Calm down, all right?

Can we all agree on that?

Can you believe this?

Can you explain to me what happened to the beautiful buxom

Can you go inside and put the Sukkot DVD in the DVD player, please?

Catching up is when two parties have actually done something.

Caught on Google Maps.

Chance that she'll hurt herself while she's up there, and I

Check it out.

Check this out

Close.

Coat party?

Come back!

Come on in.

Come on, do you want to play the fishing game with me?

Come on, give me the ball.

Come on, let me score.

Come on, sit down, take a load off.

Compliments of the gentleman over there.

Connected, Kevin?

Conversation skills are if you're not engaging with me, all

Cool.

Cool. Got this one?

Correct me if I'm wrong here, but that's you, that's a

Couple Bloody Marys?

Crackers on the table!

Crushing loneliness that he's going to feel not having a parent.

Cute!

Did I get this chocolate stain on there? Absolutely not.

Did I just look at that waitress? Absolutely not.

Did I neg him?

Did I vulture your au pair?

Did you guys cheat picking the draft order?

Did you guys have fun down here?

Did you neg him?

Did you vulture my au pair?

Do it!

Do not blow this for me, okay?

Do they even look like sisters?

Do we havee a deal?

Do you need money?

Do, do you really think that's going to work?

Doctor. Yeah, Dr. Naughty.

Does a man ever tired of looking at the sunrise...

Does everyone have a dick pic of me?

Don't ask.

Don't hit my desk, okay?

Don't mind. Excuse us.

Don't touch me, don't touch me!

Don't worry about it.

Double au pair!

Dr. Andre Nowzik for two, please.

Dude, you stay here, play it cool.

Dwayne Bowe for Owen Daniels.

Ellie.

Else comes in and scores a touchdown.

Emotional cheating, and this is not acceptable.

Even if you don't win this week, you're a great guy, and

Even Ruxin's in.

Even the words au pair, they just, like... Au pair!

Every league gets to this point where we've cheated each other

Every once in a while, someone says yes.

Every once in a while... That's not me. That's not my

Every one of you!

Everybody else got their plays except for you.

Everyone knows that I can score.

Everyone, you're invited into the Jew fort.

Everything go okay with the trade?

Everything go okay with the trade?

Evite from Ruxin.

Exactly.

Exactly.

Excuse me for a second.

Excuse me?

Excuse me?

Excuse me.

Experience Andre.

Experience Andre.

Eye contact?

Fine.

Fine.

Fine.

Fine.

Fine.

Fine.

First date outfit and the perfect first date activity.

First of all, I don't hate myself.

Five second rule, right?

Fix it, Kevin.

Football, I talked about some other things.

Football's just like white noise.

For me?

For the first Oh, my God.

Forget it.

Forget Sophia.

Friendship is the most important thing that's ever

Game, all right?

Gee, I wonder who's responsible for that.

Gentlemen, welcome.

Get him in the playoffs.

Get together for some drinks.

Getting closer, getting closer.

Getting rid of some of these kickers.

Give me, give me the question one more time. Come on.

Go get it, Pete.

Go in, just watch some TV.

Go to his apartment.

Go.

Go.

God, that was exhausting.

Going to be a little late, so...

Gonna ride my horse right down Main Street.

Gonna tell Ruxin about how we screwed him out of the first pick in the draft.

Good night.

Good Yontiff. Shalom.

Google Earth.

Google Map it, they'll see the swastika, and they'll think I'm

Got an A plus in the au pair department.

Gotta save her.

Gotta say, guys, good vibes on the au pair.

Great.

Great. Bye.

Groove to Aphex Twin.

Gross.

Guess what?

Guys, can we take a seat, please?

Guys, online dating is a perfectly acceptable way for

Guys, what are you doing?

Habitat for Humanity and send it on to Skid Row.

Happened to me.

Has to tell them how to put her titties back together?

Have fun.

Have to ask.

Have you been looking at porn on my computer?

Have you been on the phone this whole time?

Have you just been getting a bunch of numbers from dudes?

Have you met Jenny?

Have you seen my wife?

Haven't forgotten about you, Kevin.

Having some sort of suburban Kristallnacht.

He can't help himself.

He got some chocolate pudding on his face. He's asleep now.

He has done worse.

He vultured my date.

He's a friend of ours who's going to have sex with Andre's date.

He's always there, Kevin.

He's been bogarting everything.

He's doing fine.

He's right up in those titties.

He's ruining my sign.

He's vulturing my date.

Hello, champion of the dating video. Whoo!

Hello, you.

Hello!

Hello?

Hello?

Hello?

Hello.

Hello.

Hello.

Helps everybody.

Here we go.

Here we go.

Here we go.

Here you go.

Hey

Hey guys.

Hey, babe.

Hey, baby.

Hey, does this count as a yarmulka?

Hey, guys.

Hey, hey.

Hey, Matthew, big fan.

Hey, there.

Hey, what about me?

Hey, what I miss?

Hey, where's Sofia?

Hey.

Hey.

Hey.

Hi, how how are you doing?

Hi, I'm Andre Nowzick

Hi, Mrs. Klein. How are you?

Hi!

Hi.

Hi.

Hi.

Hi.

Hi. Vanessa E. Remember me?

His condo, and then Andre's gonna get pissed off, and he's

Hmm.

Hmm.

Hold it still. I can't see.

Hold on, I got to call you back.

House?

How dare you.

How did Jeffrey's evaluation go?

How did you know about this place?

How lovely.

How many dates have you been on with this woman?

How was your day at work today?

How would a bum know that I had my period?

How'd you get them out here so fast?

How's the big trade coming?

How's the sukkah coming along?

Huh?

Huh.

I admit it.

I already have two au pairs touching my dinger.

I also need to use your urinal.

I always drink responsibly.

I am at a hotel bar.

I am getting an au pair.

I am the accuser.

I am very flattered and insulted by that. So... All right.

I appreciate that.

I appreciate your transparency, Taco.

I been there myself, man.

I bet she's never used weed before.

I bring wonderful news to fill your pathetic social calendars.

I can bring him in here, and you can tell him about the

I can't do that.

I can't talk to Ruxin about the draft order, I can't talk to

I contracted thrush.

I could punch it in, right?

I didn't know you were home.

I didn't mean to cut you off.

I didn't mean... That's why you can't get a girl.

I didn't realize that sukkah was a high holy day.

I didn't... Think of tonight as a dress

I do appreciate you telling me, 'cause I was able to un send that Evite.

I do have a Sukkot presentation for everyone.

I do, actually.

I don't care. I don't know.

I don't even eat chocolate.

I don't have a son.

I don't have a vagina!

I don't how you do it.

I don't know how this thing's gonna play out.

I don't know if I'll even ever really need it.

I don't know what this thing is.

I don't know why I haven't been losing any weight.

I don't know why you didn't remember that.

I don't listen to you.

I don't mean to interrupt.

I don't mean to.

I don't need a third.

I don't trust it.

I don't want my kid going to the park and getting his dong cleaned by some uggo

I don't want to be the guy who takes the fall for all this hold... What?

I don't want to go.

I don't want you taking any more dick pics of me.

I don't, I don't know.

I feel bad for the girl.

I gave you my trust, and you turn around, and you stab me in the back.

I got a couple feelers out there, too, and no one seems to be responding

I got a fax from Dirty Randy.

I got a Taco thing happening here.

I got Matthew Berry's phone number.

I gotta ask.

I gotta step up my game.

I have a date with Matthew Berry.

I have a picture of your penis.

I have a whole wine list.

I have four defenses and no tight ends.

I have money.

I have these new clients, and they just have no idea what they

I have to get back to work.

I have to run some errands this afternoon.

I haven't eaten chocolate in, like, a month.

I just got a phone number, and that's all.

I just told him, I said, "Hey, man, you're disrespecting my wife.

I just wanted to make sure you guys were okay.

I know a fake business card when I see one.

I know that you live on a futon, but just because it's a piece of

I know you do.

I know you get it all the time, you know.

I know.

I know.

I know.

I know.

I like kickers.

I like Maurice Jones Drew.

I like this bench.

I love hats with words on them.

I love your teeth, I love your tummy... Is that supposed to be me?

I mean, hell, I sleep on this thing.

I mean, how do I handle a situation like that?

I mean, maybe your son was chewing on the phone.

I mean, these girls are legitimately cute.

I need a full body inspection right away.

I need to win this year.

I never make plans with you, Andre.

I order my steak rare like a man

I see Matthew Berry.

I send you his podcast every week. Don't you listen to it?

I should do that, too.

I sweat like a man.

I think he's, I think he's actually happy.

I think I've come up with a plan that everyone will be happy

I think the word you're looking for is "plain."

I think this party is not going off the hook.

I think we're just gonna have a quick little chat, if you

I think you're laying on the charm a little thick.

I thought at this point, after all the time you spend

I thought it was subtle.

I thought we had plans.

I thought you liked the ****.

I took care of it, man to man.

I totally offered you a trade.

I vultured baby Jeffrey's au pair.

I want a kid so I can have an au pair.

I want all of this out of my house.

I want to show everybody the suckit.

I wanted to be the patient zero, for once!

I was in the room.

I was trying to be romantic.

I will call you, Vanessa E.

I will go, but I'm going to go change my clothes and then throw

I will make a hotline and you will call that.

I wish we could get closer somehow.

I wish you all the best.

I won my league in 2006.

I work the street like a man.

I would never treat my apartment like that.

I would say Hitler, and really, the Poles.

I, uh, what... what... Uh, it was... it was the year...

I... I have a good Blount stat for ya.

I... I understand that.

I'd be so gentle.

I'd do the same for you.

I'll convert right now on you.

I'll convert right now.

I'll get it done.

I'll get out of here; it's fine.

I'll offer him some weed

I'm a successful plastic surgeon.

I'm about to score on the one yard line, you vulture my date.

I'm back... I'm so tired from such a long day of terrible doctoring.

I'm going to go hit on him.

I'm going to go on the record and say that I think this is a bad idea.

I'm going to hire some live in help.

I'm going to stick around and date Nikki in the bathroom.

I'm I'm living on a bench.

I'm in surgery.

I'm in.

I'm just I'm trying.

I'm just going to make a peanut butter and jelly.

I'm just here to check out the au pair.

I'm just snacking. Chip?

I'm keeping her and her family of conquistadors away

I'm looking at you, Taco.

I'm Matthew

I'm not creeping everybody else out.

I'm not creeping her out.

I'm not going to be inside... Whoa. Hi.

I'm not gonna be trade ****d by my own wife.

I'm not gonna try to sleep with her.

I'm not kidding, Ruxin

I'm not letting go of anyone good no!

I'm not vulturing your date, dude.

I'm not... I mean, come on, you're not going to make me beg on you, are you?

I'm offering a reward.

I'm on Twitter.

I'm picking them up. I'm taking them out to a nice dinner.

I'm sorry about the change of venue.

I'm sorry, I sh that's stupid question.

I'm sorry. I come close so many years in a row.

I'm sure you get a lot of people coming up to you all the

I'm the guy who you come to when you're ready to perjure yourself to protect an

I'm the guy!

I'm very lucky.

I'm, uh, Kevin.

I've always wanted an au pair.

I've been exercising, staying away from the bar.

I've been waiting for you.

I've called the city 100 times, but they do not care

I've got the perfect first date restaurant, the perfect

I've literally put out, like, ten trade offers.

If I was that guy, I'd be, like, "Oh, is LaGarrett Blount

If this was a first date, it would be the greatest first date

If we're gonna start over, I wanted to be you.

If we're looking at photos, I got some photos of, au pair applicants.

If you don't, we can move it.

If you kept your vagina clean, you wouldn't have thrust.

If you must know, I work at an orphanage.

Images out.

In and out and the the way the moon goes over... Are your brain and mouth

In my apartment!

In order to do that, I need four species of plants.

Inappropriate.

Innocent, but don't you worry.

Interest in rock climbing.

Interrupted you.

Irrational, man.

Is it gross?

Is it steam powered?

Is Kevin Kalb a top ten quarterback in... in... Well, actually...

Is that a detective hat or a cowboy hat?

Is that what I think it is?

Is that... Those were subliminal messages.

Is there, like, a trade embargo that I don't know about?

Is wine. Is that too stuffy?

Israel come together with people who are high on mushrooms and

It could be a push up bra, but based on lift not only up but out, I doubt it.

It could help everybody's teams out.

It did not make my stomach sick at all.

It hasn't been the easiest day, I mean, Ellie's got a...

It says "Ruxin" right on it.

It should be done by now.

It was crazy.

It was kind of miserable.

It was really cool.

It went on accidentally.

It would involve the four of us.

It would make my life so much easier if you could just find

It's a four way trade, basically.

It's a hideous act.

It's a horrible thing.

It's a modernist porkpie by Juicy, if you must know.

It's a yeast infection.

It's almost done.

It's an antique.

It's an unusual smell.

It's delicious.

It's disrespectful.

It's finished? Yes!

It's good.

It's hydraulics.

It's just an important case, but, you know, enough about me.

It's like a ******* Bonnaroo?

It's like a three step process.

It's like a useless Good Will Hunting.

It's like everyone's on lockdown or something.

It's like you trolling around the bar looking for a hand jibber.

It's nasty.

It's not airbrushed.

It's shady and it's upwind from the bush I shit in.

It's still not fair

It's the Immaculate Infection.

It's the ******* harvest festival.

It's thrush, Taco.

It's where he lives.

Jellies and crackers!

Jenny, you might need more at wide receiver than just Michael Crabtree.

Jenny?

Jenny's got her period, so it's probably a joy for me at home,

**** are great.

**** are great.

Just came up with it, top of my head.

Just fix it.

Just go grab a drink.

Just go inside, we're gonna start dinner soon, okay?

Just got an e mail.

Just having a martini after a long day of defending the

Just lending you that bike pump you were asking for.

Just making a little tea.

Just shoot it real quick, and, uh...

Just something between earlobes and uterus.

Just wait. Hold on.

Kevin, have you been looking at porn on my computer?

Kevin, three quarterbacks.

Kevin, what did you say to him?

Kevin!

Kevin? This feeling in your loins right now, this is

Kevin's on it.

Kiss the ring.

Lass who just wanted to sell houses, huh?

Laugh all you want, but I know none you can pass up a deal.

League is lacking something.

Learned in five minutes.

Let me be patient zero.

Let me be the guy.

Let me make this very clear.

Let me see.

Let's do a little... Let's do a little photo off here.

Let's go check this thing out.

Let's just relax a little.

Let's let's not talk, let's fight.

Let's see what we got.

Like a warrior poet.

Like baby Jeffrey will be attending a ******* preschool.

Like, he sees menstrually, with cycles and... the the tides

Like, I don't know.

Like, you know, just grinding me into the ground.

Listen, a lot of guys move the chains, and then someone

Listen, I know a number of single guys... What the hell?!

Listen, I'm here to help.

Listen, it's okay, it's okay.

Listen, normally, I do fantasy advice, but let me give

Listen, there's no reason to talk like that.

Look at this!

Look at this.

Look at this.

Look at this. Boom.

Look what the cat dragged in... if the cat was into dragging in chicks.

Look, buddy, I'm sorry that you're, uh, you're down on your luck, all right?

Look, he's there.

Look, I am not your guy for this.

Look, I can't have the party at my house, 'cause people will

Look, I know what you guys are trying to pull here.

Look, I'm sensing that there could be like a multi team trade happening here.

Look, Taco's in.

Look, that date in there, I want it to go really well.

Look, we've got another hour and a half on the babysitter.

Look, you guys can all hang out here and watch the games, but that is it.

Looks like Andre screwed you.

Looks like it is a seven way trade.

Looks like the trade has gone through.

Looks pretty good to me.

Lovely boy.

Lying is encouraged here.

Make a simple trade.

Matt Damon's here?

Matthew Berry is the prettiest girl in this bar, and

Matthew Berry, the Talented Mr. Roto.

Matthew Berry, you dummy.

Matthew Berry, you're vulturing my date.

Matthew Berry.

Matthew... Matthew Berry?

Maybe he's, like, a menstrual medium.

Maybe starch the collar, too.

Maybe we can go away for the weekend!

Minimum effort, maximum results.

Mm hmm.

Mm hmm.

Mm hmm.

Mm hmm.

Mm mm! Mm mm!

Mm.

Mmm... Whoa, he is motorboating those fakies.

Mommy?

More guacamole or... The guacamole has been incredible.

More than fair trade.

Mr. Ruxin, are you home?

Mr. Ruxin?

Mr. Sunshine?

Mrs. Klein over, who runs the school, to make a good impression.

My boy Tolbert coming out.

My boy, Matthews, give me those points.

My ex threw my stuff on the street, 'cause she was having her period.

My friend was on that last week.

My knees don't work.

My laptop is moving super slow.

My pleasure.

My video went viral, and the women have been coming in in droves.

My wife's on her period, and she's very, very mean right now,

Nail gun's a two man job, and this guy's useless.

Neighborhood.

Never smoke the lulav, okay?

Nice to meet you, Kevin.

Nice. Congrats.

No and no.

No bites, nothing.

No further comment.

No promises!

No touching. Creeps him out.

No way. She... She'll read me like a book.

No worries.

No you shouldn't.

No, gross.

No, guys, trust.

No, I don't think that's necessary, Taco.

No, I have never been married before.

No, I haven't seen him. Why?

No, I'm not cheating on Jenny.

No, no, he never won.

No, no, I'm not judging on the concept, just mortified by the execution.

No, no, listen.

No, no, Matthew, come back!

No, no, no, no, no.

No, no, no.

No, no, no. He's fine.

No, no.

No, no.

No, no.

No, no. He never even made it to the finals. I don't know.

No, no. There's no cheating.

No, obvious would be human beings having sex, and Andre made me take those

No, the the sukkah.

No!

No!

No!

No!

No! I made eye contact with him, I didn't inundate him with

No.

No.

No.

No.

No.

No.

No.

No. Get out of here!

No. I'm not going to have sex with her at the jazz place.

No. I'm not going... It is nice to catch up, brother.

No. It has a bathroom.

No. My wife she, uh, came down with something, so... Catholicism?

No. No, no wristbands, okay?

No. This isn't a cold sore.

No. We don't need... No, we don't need money.

Nope.

Normal bowel movement.

Norv Turner just took him out of the game.

Not again.

Not cool.

Not drool.

Not fair.

Not long.

Nothing happened in my loft.

Nothing happened in your loft.

Nothing!

Nothing!

Nothing.

Nothing's gonna happen.

Now that we're all being honest, I would ke to show you something.

Of all time.

Of course there isn't.

Offering.

Oh, are we gonna put people on chairs and do that

Oh, but I need a running back!

Oh, come on!

Oh, come on.

Oh, don't bring this up.

Oh, don't worry. It's not a bother.

Oh, double au pair.

Oh, for that Sukkot thing?