The League (2009) - Season 2 Edit

A 30 year old sloth is far less useful to me than a

A couple of minor casualties... your car and your girl.

A couple of my friends are getting married.

A fear boner.

A gallon of root beer inside me.

A glove?

A little bit.

A little coaster.

A little salty.

A mara... Hey!

A marathon and then asking for money to do it.

A marathon.

A marathon.

A marathon.

A normal doctor would have tried to help the person.

A notary is, like, a person who makes things official with, like a stamp or a notebook.

A race car driver.

A real grown up date?

A sexy sweat.

A tie is like kissing your sister,

A toast.

A touchdown.

A what?

A what?

A what?

Aaah! God! Oh!

Aah! Whoa!

Actually, I had to take it in just a little bit.

Actually, my friends are having a party tomorrow night.

Actually... Honey, no, don't be so... Don't be modest.

Adopt whatever hobbies the person you're dating has

Adversaries Raffi and Kevin..

After this, I'm done

Against getting crushed under the hill of the common man

Ah, good evening, gentlemen.

Ah, here we go.

Ah, see?

Ah, the shit talking has already started between week one

Ah, this is my newest invention... Bathroom Cubby.

Ah!

Aha, to my defense, I thought it was a compliment to be

All I ask is that you prepare yourself.

All I know is that I just got a call from my cousin who is one

All right

All right, all right.

All right, baby.

All right, cool. Yeah, the kid can come.

All right, everyone

All right, everyone.

All right, fine.

All right, fine.

All right, guys.

All right, here we go.

All right, I got it.

All right, I'll check you guys later.

All right, I'll talk to you later, Blondie.

All right, I'm going to say something. I thank you.

All right, just wash your hands before you use it, I don't get your germs.

All right, let me see that cannon. All right, put it right here.

All right, let's do this.

All right, not enough time for sushi... maybe we run by my

All right, on your marks, get set... go!

All right, so you got to tell me what did Ruxin mean by this

All right, well, this is exactly what I don't want to be.

All right, well, you want a second form of identification?

All right, well... you don't have to say that.

All right, yeah

All right!

All right! Oh!

All right.

All right.

All right.

All right.

All right.

All right.

All right.

All right. Fine.

All right. How are you?

All right. Yeah.

All right. Yes.

All these candles are all vanilla.

All time leading NFL kick returner.

Alright, can we bring up the lights please?

Alright, fine. You want a tie breaker? I'll give you a tie breaker. Here.

Alright, here's the deal.

Alright, Ted. Live a little. I like it. About the time, right?

Alright.

Also, check your inbox.

Always a white guy.

Always thinking... To his credit, he had, like, a

Am not. Yes, you are.

Amazing tickets to the Vikings game pretty much just handed to me.

Amazing."

And a tie is a tie is a tie. Listen to me.

And Andre starts weeping at those plucky kids.

And apparently, you're not ashamed to admit you know

And at the end of that day, we will adjourn to our bedroom and

And beat me this week, and I'm not going to let that frittata do it.

And by the way, after Vegas, you were already in the doghouse

And did she use the hashtag "great event"?

And he had, like... Yeah, he had that, like, flabby

And he saw my Bears shirt, and he's like, "I got these tickets

And he says to me, "Look, I can't do it for you.

And he's like, "Don't worry about it.

And he's the one who's going to be getting all the points.

And his penis has been hit.

And his wish is for you to have the game of a lifetime this weekend.

And I also want to say, thank you.

And I am officially yours.

And I called Kevin to ask him for one tiny favor:

And I can't believe I am working in an office with hungry hungry hippos

And I really see some good matchups this weekend, huh?

And I should be the commissioner instead of Kevin.

And I was like, "Sure, how much do you want for them?"

And I will notarize anything.

And I'll give you the tickets.

And I'm ready to prove it.

And if you could double up the bacon on that, that'd be great.

And it matches my phone.

And it's so much fun watching the games when you actually have something on the line.

And just take them."

And love is... Sorry, I said I wouldn't do it.

And make a ruling for what happens at a tie breaker.

And now you're eating a big piece of chocolate cake.

And on the third day, God gave him a number, and his number was 1729.

And on the third one, you can't get it out.

And remember what Taco says:

And Ruxin, Kevin and myself decided to take an alley as a shortcut.

And she RSVP'd plus one. Oh, no.

And she runs the marathon for charity.

And that you have, is what makes us a country... I've got to go to the

And that's it... done

And the best part is... Mm hmm?

And then I was like, oh, for the hand job, I don't..

And then I'm coming for your wife and your kids.

And then there's that.

And this is not the way two people who go head to head should be acting.

And to settle it, I've come up with a brilliant idea.

And we are entering into the fifth anniversary party.

And we videotaped it to commemorate the ceremony, and someone stole our tape.

And we're so honored to have you come and join us at our anniversary party.

And what about "correondare"?

And what will we search for?

And when this league was set up, we never appointed a vice commissioner.

And you know why?

And you look like a Russian figure skater. Oh, thank you.

And you, Kevin. Whoa.

And you, my friend, got a little foot jibber from Sofia.

And you're gonna look like a golden boy.

And you're... you're probably still angry with me.

Andre and I believe that Kevin should accept our tiebreaker scenario.

Andre wins.

Andre wins.

Andre, cut the shit, all right?

Andre, I think you're gonna have a lot of trouble against the

Andre, the stretching in doors and the bib... it just all smacks

ANDRE: Legs... strong, useful and practical.

ANDRE: Uh, I am a doctor.

ANDRE: What are you... No!

Andre... Finger blaster.

Andre... so difficult to please.

Anquan. Quan... Asian name.

Anticip erection.

Any noun you want, all right?

Anyone need anything?

Anyone, please chime in. Absolutely.

Anyway, I just wanted to say how honored I am... Oh, God.

Anyway, I'm going to grab a drink.

Are you coming back to bed?

Are you crazy?

Are you crying?

Are you going to throw up?

Are you kidding me?

Are you kidding me?

Are you kidding me?! This is not happening!

Are you kidding?

Are you okay?

Are you really doing what I think you're doing?

Are you really getting married in a church?

Are you wicking anything away?

As I look at all these entries, uh... it's all a blur.

As of right now there is no rule

Assure you, she's worked out all the kinks since, okay?

At least somebody wants to do something for our anniversary.

Attacks on our boards, lest we forget Andre and the whole

Aw, come on, man.

Aw, I hate phase two.

Aw, we got plenty of time to go see Colin.

Awesome.

Awesome. Thanks so much.

Awful.

Awkward.

Babe, I don't feel good.

Babe, I'm having week one issues.

Babe, I'm so sorry about today

Babe, what are you going to have?

Babe.

Baby bird is out of the nest.

Baby, I don't even know what a meniscus is.

Backhand! (grunts)

Bad Rodney. Bad Rodney.

Bam bam bam!

Bar or something if you... No, come on by and have a couple beers.

Bathroom and throw up.

Be back in a sec, honey.

Be quiet.

Be rated R.

Beanbag and then let fat people sit on them.

Because this is my own personal research library.

Because you like blow jobs.

Before I get into that stuff and some of these concerns, I

Being in the league, hanging out with you guys at the bar.

Being reviewed by El Notario.

Ben Bernanke.

Best place in Chicago.

Block

Block. 360 spin.

Boo.

Boom, Terrell gets it, invite him to the party... look how that

Boyfriend chameleon!

BP v. Minority Gulf Fisherman.

Brain is filled with fungus and bacterias.

Brolo El Cuñado.

Buddy. You all right?

But guess what?

But he does have a point.

But he had, like... He had, like a really pretty

But I do have Josh Cribbs, Cleveland Browns' kick returner?

But I like to pretend I'm the first.

But I made a huge discovery today, guys.

But I need a donation from you

But if you do want to lose some weight, you could start by not

But instead of Jamaicans, it's hobos

But it doesn't rob you of your ethnicity, you know?

But otherwise, he's gone.

But seriously, I'm glad you found someone.

But the most important thing is

But there has been a precedent set that there will be no

But there's an implied value that you might be sober.

But we already have a wedding video.

But what does it taste like, just out of curiosity.

But when I got to the emergency room, I was blown away

But when you're running, you just want it

But, there is the wild Megan

But, you know, it's been around for five years sitting in the freezer.

By how professional it was.

By the way, "El Cunado" just means "brother in law" in Spanish.

By the way, can you run a marathon with turf toe?

By the way, did I tell you about the line I have on the Bears tickets?

By the way, it wasn't a stripper pole.

Bye, buddy.

Cafe, make the trade.

Cake, baby.

Cake, cake, cake... (all chanting "Cake")

Calls doesn't give you the right to censor their posts.

Can I ask you some advice?

Can I have your attention, everyone?

Can I... should we do it like that?

Can it be a disciplinary problem?

Can somebody give me a ride?

Can we bring the lights down, please?

Can we do it with your healing spices?

Can we get this going here, guys?

Can we never talk about this ever again, please?

Can you at least toss me the cordless?

Can you believe the dress still fits?

Can you do that for me, Josh Cribbs?"

Can you guys just not mention to my parents about the law school thing?

Can you notarize something for me right now?

Can you please notarize these documents for me?

Can you zoom in?

Can't change a team's... come on.

Can't talk about it, guys.

Can't we just plead frittata?

Cardio tennis! Whoo!

Carrying a big bag of things.

Cause I just looked at pornographic material at work.

Change his lineup.

Charity terrorists are people like yourself who force me to

Cheadle in Africa in the hotel.

Cheers.

Chicago Metropolitan area.

Chill hours, 15 minutes from my house to your house.

Chinese guy trying to pinch your nipples.

Class act.

Class act.

Cock and cute balls.

Colin, let's go, man.

Colin!

Colin!

Colin.

Colin's big wish was to meet Terrell Suggs.

Come back to bed, Rodney.

Come back!

Come get it. Come get mama.

Come here.

Come here.

Come here. You got to look at this thing.

Come on in. Come on in. Come on in.

Come on, baby, bring those tears over here.

Come on, get out.

Come on, guys, run, run, run, run.

Come on, honey. Come on!

Come on, it's fun, healthy No. I just basically have to

Come on, let's dance.

Come on, let's grab a little couch time.

Come on, man, let's get out of here, Colin.

Come on, Teddy.

Come on, we had a deal.

Come on, you can do it.

Come on, you're a boyfriend chameleon, you know this.

Come on!

Come on! Josh Cribbs!

Come on.

Come on.

Come on.

Come on. It was a goof.

Come on. Watch!

Come to bed.

Commissioner?

Commitment ceremony doing you a favor and inviting you over to his house?

Compared to a celebrity.

Completely tacky.

Congratulations, Nosferatu.

Congratulations.

Constantly begging me to change his lineup, change his lineup,

Cool.

Could actually see the whites of her knuckles.

Could it be... ooh, is it your meniscus?

Could you?

Couldn't find it. ♪

Crap and a mint?

Crap the booze out, have a mint, good to go.

Crap the booze out.

Cryptography for Dummies.

Cunado.

Damn it, you're going to have to throw up.

Dance party time.

Dearest Zola Budd, I'm very pleased to learn that

Defect, defect, defect. Back to main's.

Definitely.

Designated driver.

Dick punch!

Did he sing the song "Faith"?

Did he tap your foot underneath the stall?

Did he? Hey.

Did I just see Megan walk in with her grandfather?

Did it feel good?

Did it work?

Did you ever think about that?

Did you see that?

Did you start a legal fund for him yet?

Do I know people who have been in there?

Do I?

Do it, let's do it. You know what?

Do me a favor and change the name back, please.

Do me a favor and say "Happy anniversary."

Do this, baby.

Do you have a favorite flavor Spunk?

Do you have a juicer?

Do you know why?

Do you like funny videos?

Do you like it?

Do you like my earrings?

Do you mind if I take some?

Do you remember that time when we saw that random asian dude at

Do you see... see that guy over there?

Do you think he knows?

Do you understand me?

Do you want something? Whatever you're having.

Do you want them?"

Do you?

Do you... Oh, sure. Come on up.

Doctor.

Doesn't make you black by association.

Doesn't need to be top shelf.

Don't ***, notarize!

Don't agonize... notarize.

Don't apologize... notarize!

Don't be rated PG.

Don't compromise... notarize!

Don't expect you to pay me to go on the elliptical to work it off.

Don't forget your anal Kegels.

Don't hide your thighs, notarize

Don't know what I'm going to do with that kid.

Don't laugh! It's not funny!

Don't make me sit on you!

Don't need one.

Don't terrorize... notarize!

Don't touch! You'll burn your skin.

Don't worry about it, I'll take care of it.

Don't worry about that.

Don't worry, everybody, I'm a doctor!

Don't you want me?

Don't you?

Down there.

Drink... doesn't matter how expensive.

Drive?

Drop him.

Drop him.

Dude, favors are gay.

Dude, give me your e mail.

Dude, how hot is that?

Dude, seriously, I have such funny videos to send you.

Dude, that's Matt Forte... running back from the Chicago Bears.

Dude, what is that?

Dude, you know what I love is nitrous.

Eating my chicken salad sandwich out of the fridge.

Eh eh, eh eh.

Eight man, 12 man? What is it?

Either way, you're right, though.

El Cunado.

El Cunado.

Ellie, can you please be careful up there?! Thank you.

Else touched you, I would take their nuts and put 'em in a

End up chewing whatever it is I smell in there.

Enjoy. Oh.

Enough.

Especially if he ends up dead.

Especially you, Ruxin, you asshole.

Establish age and sex of the patient.

Even more?

Even you know you're gonna lose.

Everybody in the end needs a Bathroom Cubby

Everybody, have fun.

Everybody, this is Stacy.

Everybody, this man has been hit!

Everyone was saying how beautiful your dress was.

Everything is free.

Everywhere?

Ew!

Ew.

Except slightly more expensive.

Excuse me, where you going?

Excuse me?

Excuse me?

Excuse me?

Eyes to the ancient wisdom of the West.

Fair enough, I'm just... I'm gonna get out of here.

Fantasy football is about proving that you're better than your friends,

Fast forward, fast forward.

Fast forward.

Fear boner.

Fear boner.

Fear Boners?

Feels like I... Honey, could you take Tim upstairs, please?

Fella, I need to thank you for making that trade just now.

Fine.

Fine.

Fine.

Fine. I will do this, but I'm gonna get even with you.

Firecracker.

First of all, let's start at the beginning, the facts.

First week, first win.

Five years ago?

Fix this. It's your fault.

Focus, focus, focus.

Focus.

Football will not effect our home life.

For dermabrasion.

For next weekend; I can't go.

For taking my brother into the league.

For Team Twyla, for our marathon.

For those who can't run.

For what?

Forehand! (grunts)

Fork it up, come on.

Fortunately, though, we had two cameras.

Fourth Street.

Frank Gore and I both have it, and we're both out this week.

Friend request on Facebook?

Friend's office... Josh Cribbs!

Friends, you are looking at a licensed notarizer.

From myself.

Funny.

Gay stuff, gay stuff.

Gentlemen, you are looking at a man with a life partner.

Get him back here. You got to get him back.

Get it done, man.

Get out of here!

Get out of this house!

Get out!

Get ready, 'cause I am coming for you.

Get rid of him. Right now.

Get that cake out of here. Give me the iPad.

Get your dick out of my face!

Getting all the grease all over my computer.

Giggling Like A Schoolgirl?

Give me a call.

Give me my iPad.

Give me my iPad. It's my anniversary.

Give me my iPad. Let me just take her in peace.

Give me the cake! Give me the iPad.

Give money to things against my will.

Giving me some tickets?

Go for it, buddy

Go play down there.

Go walk it off, buddy.

Go, go, go, go!

Go, go, go, go.

Go!

Go.

Go. Leave me alone.

God damn it. I'm... Man, I'm losing my mojo, and

God, where do you think they're going right now?

God, you smell good.

Goddamn canotary.

Goddamn it, Taco, I told you that thing was dangerous!

Goddamn, I hate being commissioner of this league.

Good for you.

Good night, gentlemen.

Good song, man

Good spot for that. I like it.

Good to see you.

Good to see you.

Good, good for you.

Good.

Got to get the people in there.

Got to go to the bathroom, but you got some food in your hand,

Great

Great sashimi.

Great.

Great. Love you.

Great. Thank you.

Green, like the color of money... and the color of your eyes.

Greenblatt in fourth grade?

Grotesque, and it's like watching a science fiction film

Guy's got a point.

Guys, come on.

Guys, good to see you.

Guys, guys, guys, look, look, look, look.

Guys, long time ago.

Guys, the meeting with Dr. Maxwell went dope, okay?

Guys, uh, over here at 2:00, there's this chick I work with.

Guys, we'll be right back. Watch my purse.

Guys, we're just talking about a little friendly competition here.

Guys! Welcome... Nah.

Ha ha ha ha.

Ha!

Had sex with?

Had this fantastic French Cab just sitting around.

Half full of days that I can't remember.

Hand.

Happiest day of their lives.

Happiness, and you took it down before we had a chance to spread

Happy anniversary.

Happy birthday! Happy birthday.

Hare you? What are you doing here?

Have fun in 1971.

Have fun tonight. All right!

Have to do is a favor in return?

Have to open your eyes.

Have you ever been to a pro football game?

He called me every three minutes this morning, for an hour, just

He didn't even know about eating Spunk.

He doesn't care about money.

He doesn't need one.

He embraces the El Cunado nickname.

He is shit faced.

He loves funny videos.

He probably has, like, a huge surprise planned for you.

He thinks I'm still chugging.

He tripped himself.

He wants to play, let's play.

He was cowardly, gay,

He was going to hire me to be the DJ.

He was going to invite all your friends and your family.

He was going to rent the whole place out.

He was probably going to do it at the place where you guys had your first date, right?

He works out.

He'll call you back.

He's a bit of an anniversary grinch.

He's a fun vacuum.

He's a professional, just like myself. Ugh! Oh!

He's a sly fox. No, he's not a sly fox.

He's at the bar trying to cut his own hair with a knife, okay?

He's awful.

He's getting green.

He's getting... He's running!

He's going to be useless.

He's got this home gym obsession right now.

He's got your number.

He's having a very special night with his wife.

He's here to collect some photos for a very special anniversary gift.

He's injured.

He's losing a lot of blood!

He's more worthless than the black Thompson Twin.

He's my hot date for tonight.

He's not doing it all the time, all right?

He's not my brother.

He's now gonna destroy me 'cause he's got Forte.

He's our friend.

He's running! He... Come on, 26.2.

He's so funny, man.

He's so great.

He's stacked.

He's the one who's actually going to be playing for Gore,

He's trying to get in my head

He's vile.

He's wearing a silk robe.

Head, but I know about your little plan

Heard you guys were making some friends in the park tonight.

Heirloom tomatoes are different from regular tomatoes?

Hello, Taco.

Hello? Ruxin?

Hello.

Help us.

Here we go.

Here we go.

Here we go. Open your eyes.

Here you go.

Hernando's a man's name.

Hey

Hey guys? Yeah.

Hey, baby.

Hey, Blondie, want to drive a Porsche?

Hey, dude, we were playing.

Hey, Ed.

Hey, guys, how's it going?

Hey, guys.

Hey, guys.

Hey, guys.

Hey, guys. Oh, hey.

Hey, hey, hey, no, I said bottled water on the tables.

Hey, hey, hey, no, I'm coming right here, baby.

Hey, hey, hey.

Hey, I thought we were going to hang, guys.

Hey, I'm sort of in a rush this morning, so I got to... I'm in here.

Hey, if we could have your attention real quickly.

Hey, it's me! Guys remember Jasmine, right?

Hey, it's Raffi.

Hey, look who it is.

Hey, man, that stuff I said about killing him, please don't

Hey, partner!

Hey, Raffi.

Hey, Rudy, we're just catching up over here.

Hey, Sofia, you excited?

Hey, Ted, you okay?

Hey, Ted. Really great hanging with you, buddy.

Hey, Terrell Suggs!

Hey, Thelma and Louise.

Hey, watch it, pal!

Hey, you know what, Ted?

Hey!

Hey!

Hey! There you go!

Hey.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey. Hi.

Hi, everyone. Sorry, you interrupted me doing business stuff.

Hi, everyone. Sorry, you interrupted me doing business stuff.

Hi, handsome. Nice to meet you.

Hi, Jenny. You look lovely.

Hi, Lily.

Hi, sweetheart.

Hi.

Hi.

Hi.

Hi.

Hi.

Hi.

Hi. And you are dating Taco?

Hi. Hi.

Hi. Um, would you excuse us for just a second, please?

Hill of channel surfing.

Him here because he collects ferrets.

His mom made great food.

Hm?

Hmm?

Hmm.

Hmm. Um... I just, like, realized that

Hold on a second.

Holiday Entertaining for Dummies.

Holy shit, she's never gonna *** this out.

Holy shit.

Homophobic and racist.

Honestly, like, I think Ted is great. He is great.

Honey, open your mouth.

Honey, where are you?

Honey, you've never done this before.

Honey.

Hotel Rwanda?

How about a big donation and a big piece of cake?

How about a breast reduction?

How about that.

How about the name that was on my goddamn sandwich!

How dare you, Ruxin.

How do you even sleep at night?

How do you know him?

How do you know that?

How do you know what "notarize" means, Taco?

How friendly?

How hard is it to hang out on a beach in Mexico?

How is it possible that your stomach is more stubborn than you are?

How many times do I have to poke you before you accept my

How many times do I have to tell these people?

How much do you love this guy, huh?

How much of that marathon did you run last year?

How you doing, man?

How you doing?

How you doing?

How you doing?

How you doing?

How?

How's it feel to lose?

How's it going, bros?

How's it going? It's really good.

Hydration? Huh? Hm?

I am going to go get a drink.

I am going to ravage you.

I am incredibly uncomfortable right now.

I am just a civilian and an avid fan of public moron racing.

I am not a 16 year old girl who thinks she's fat and lives in Florida.

I am not a biologist.

I am pretty sure it was very public a couple days ago when I

I am quick, you are effective.

I am really enjoying being in the league.

I am running the marathon.

I am thinking of expanding my practice.

I am... notarizing.

I am... running it.

I can add/drop, I can change the entire league's name, but I

I can do that.

I can have it all.

I can make this right.

I can make this right.

I can play games.

I can see why you'd be attracted to an older man, 'cause you are very mature

I can't believe I'm actually rooting for Ruxin to win here, but I really...

I can't do... I can't do it.

I can't get it out.

I can't see you.

I can't speak to what happened in the past, but I can

I can't.

I can't... I have O'Connor's speech.

I choked on some water.

I could give you a hair replacement.

I couldn't think of a scenario where I could bail both of you out.

I deserve it all.

I did it 'cause it felt good.

I did it! I won! I won!

I didn't get scared.

I didn't mean it in, like, a weird way.

I didn't spend nights there, because my parents didn't like

I didn't. I don't...I don't like diversity, 'cause it is... racist.

I do.