The League (2009) - Season 2 Edit

A 30 year old sloth is far less useful to me than a

A couple of minor casualties... your car and your girl.

A couple of my friends are getting married.

A fear boner.

A gallon of root beer inside me.

A glove?

A little bit.

A little coaster.

A little salty.

A mara... Hey!

A marathon and then asking for money to do it.

A marathon.

A marathon.

A marathon.

A normal doctor would have tried to help the person.

A notary is, like, a person who makes things official with, like a stamp or a notebook.

A race car driver.

A real grown up date?

A sexy sweat.

A tie is like kissing your sister,

A toast.

A touchdown.

A what?

A what?

A what?

Aaah! God! Oh!

Aah! Whoa!

Actually, I had to take it in just a little bit.

Actually, my friends are having a party tomorrow night.

Actually... Honey, no, don't be so... Don't be modest.

Adopt whatever hobbies the person you're dating has

Adversaries Raffi and Kevin..

After this, I'm done

Against getting crushed under the hill of the common man

Ah, good evening, gentlemen.

Ah, here we go.

Ah, see?

Ah, the shit talking has already started between week one

Ah, this is my newest invention... Bathroom Cubby.

Ah!

Aha, to my defense, I thought it was a compliment to be

All I ask is that you prepare yourself.

All I know is that I just got a call from my cousin who is one

All right

All right, all right.

All right, baby.

All right, cool. Yeah, the kid can come.

All right, everyone

All right, everyone.

All right, fine.

All right, fine.

All right, guys.

All right, here we go.

All right, I got it.

All right, I'll check you guys later.

All right, I'll talk to you later, Blondie.

All right, I'm going to say something. I thank you.

All right, just wash your hands before you use it, I don't get your germs.

All right, let me see that cannon. All right, put it right here.

All right, let's do this.

All right, not enough time for sushi... maybe we run by my

All right, on your marks, get set... go!

All right, so you got to tell me what did Ruxin mean by this

All right, well, this is exactly what I don't want to be.

All right, well, you want a second form of identification?

All right, well... you don't have to say that.

All right, yeah

All right!

All right! Oh!

All right.

All right.

All right.

All right.

All right.

All right.

All right.

All right. Fine.

All right. How are you?

All right. Yeah.

All right. Yes.

All these candles are all vanilla.

All time leading NFL kick returner.

Alright, can we bring up the lights please?

Alright, fine. You want a tie breaker? I'll give you a tie breaker. Here.

Alright, here's the deal.

Alright, Ted. Live a little. I like it. About the time, right?

Alright.

Also, check your inbox.

Always a white guy.

Always thinking... To his credit, he had, like, a

Am not. Yes, you are.

Amazing tickets to the Vikings game pretty much just handed to me.

Amazing."

And a tie is a tie is a tie. Listen to me.

And Andre starts weeping at those plucky kids.

And apparently, you're not ashamed to admit you know

And at the end of that day, we will adjourn to our bedroom and

And beat me this week, and I'm not going to let that frittata do it.

And by the way, after Vegas, you were already in the doghouse

And did she use the hashtag "great event"?

And he had, like... Yeah, he had that, like, flabby

And he saw my Bears shirt, and he's like, "I got these tickets

And he says to me, "Look, I can't do it for you.

And he's like, "Don't worry about it.

And he's the one who's going to be getting all the points.

And his penis has been hit.

And his wish is for you to have the game of a lifetime this weekend.

And I also want to say, thank you.

And I am officially yours.

And I called Kevin to ask him for one tiny favor:

And I can't believe I am working in an office with hungry hungry hippos

And I really see some good matchups this weekend, huh?

And I should be the commissioner instead of Kevin.

And I was like, "Sure, how much do you want for them?"

And I will notarize anything.

And I'll give you the tickets.

And I'm ready to prove it.

And if you could double up the bacon on that, that'd be great.

And it matches my phone.

And it's so much fun watching the games when you actually have something on the line.

And just take them."

And love is... Sorry, I said I wouldn't do it.

And make a ruling for what happens at a tie breaker.

And now you're eating a big piece of chocolate cake.

And on the third day, God gave him a number, and his number was 1729.

And on the third one, you can't get it out.

And remember what Taco says:

And Ruxin, Kevin and myself decided to take an alley as a shortcut.

And she RSVP'd plus one. Oh, no.

And she runs the marathon for charity.

And that you have, is what makes us a country... I've got to go to the

And that's it... done

And the best part is... Mm hmm?

And then I was like, oh, for the hand job, I don't..

And then I'm coming for your wife and your kids.

And then there's that.

And this is not the way two people who go head to head should be acting.

And to settle it, I've come up with a brilliant idea.

And we are entering into the fifth anniversary party.

And we videotaped it to commemorate the ceremony, and someone stole our tape.

And we're so honored to have you come and join us at our anniversary party.

And what about "correondare"?

And what will we search for?

And when this league was set up, we never appointed a vice commissioner.

And you know why?

And you look like a Russian figure skater. Oh, thank you.

And you, Kevin. Whoa.

And you, my friend, got a little foot jibber from Sofia.

And you're gonna look like a golden boy.

And you're... you're probably still angry with me.

Andre and I believe that Kevin should accept our tiebreaker scenario.

Andre wins.

Andre wins.

Andre, cut the shit, all right?

Andre, I think you're gonna have a lot of trouble against the

Andre, the stretching in doors and the bib... it just all smacks

ANDRE: Legs... strong, useful and practical.

ANDRE: Uh, I am a doctor.

ANDRE: What are you... No!

Andre... Finger blaster.

Andre... so difficult to please.

Anquan. Quan... Asian name.

Anticip erection.

Any noun you want, all right?

Anyone need anything?

Anyone, please chime in. Absolutely.

Anyway, I just wanted to say how honored I am... Oh, God.

Anyway, I'm going to grab a drink.

Are you coming back to bed?

Are you crazy?

Are you crying?

Are you going to throw up?

Are you kidding me?

Are you kidding me?

Are you kidding me?! This is not happening!

Are you kidding?

Are you okay?

Are you really doing what I think you're doing?

Are you really getting married in a church?

Are you wicking anything away?

As I look at all these entries, uh... it's all a blur.

As of right now there is no rule

Assure you, she's worked out all the kinks since, okay?

At least somebody wants to do something for our anniversary.

Attacks on our boards, lest we forget Andre and the whole

Aw, come on, man.

Aw, I hate phase two.

Aw, we got plenty of time to go see Colin.

Awesome.

Awesome. Thanks so much.

Awful.

Awkward.

Babe, I don't feel good.

Babe, I'm having week one issues.

Babe, I'm so sorry about today

Babe, what are you going to have?

Babe.

Baby bird is out of the nest.

Baby, I don't even know what a meniscus is.

Backhand! (grunts)

Bad Rodney. Bad Rodney.

Bam bam bam!

Bar or something if you... No, come on by and have a couple beers.

Bathroom and throw up.

Be back in a sec, honey.

Be quiet.

Be rated R.

Beanbag and then let fat people sit on them.

Because this is my own personal research library.

Because you like blow jobs.

Before I get into that stuff and some of these concerns, I

Being in the league, hanging out with you guys at the bar.

Being reviewed by El Notario.

Ben Bernanke.

Best place in Chicago.

Block

Block. 360 spin.

Boo.

Boom, Terrell gets it, invite him to the party... look how that

Boyfriend chameleon!

BP v. Minority Gulf Fisherman.

Brain is filled with fungus and bacterias.

Brolo El Cuñado.

Buddy. You all right?

But guess what?

But he does have a point.

But he had, like... He had, like a really pretty

But I do have Josh Cribbs, Cleveland Browns' kick returner?

But I like to pretend I'm the first.

But I made a huge discovery today, guys.

But I need a donation from you

But if you do want to lose some weight, you could start by not

But instead of Jamaicans, it's hobos

But it doesn't rob you of your ethnicity, you know?

But otherwise, he's gone.

But seriously, I'm glad you found someone.

But the most important thing is

But there has been a precedent set that there will be no

But there's an implied value that you might be sober.

But we already have a wedding video.

But what does it taste like, just out of curiosity.

But when I got to the emergency room, I was blown away

But when you're running, you just want it

But, there is the wild Megan

But, you know, it's been around for five years sitting in the freezer.

By how professional it was.

By the way, "El Cunado" just means "brother in law" in Spanish.

By the way, can you run a marathon with turf toe?

By the way, did I tell you about the line I have on the Bears tickets?

By the way, it wasn't a stripper pole.

Bye, buddy.

Cafe, make the trade.

Cake, baby.

Cake, cake, cake... (all chanting "Cake")

Calls doesn't give you the right to censor their posts.

Can I ask you some advice?

Can I have your attention, everyone?

Can I... should we do it like that?

Can it be a disciplinary problem?

Can somebody give me a ride?

Can we bring the lights down, please?

Can we do it with your healing spices?

Can we get this going here, guys?

Can we never talk about this ever again, please?

Can you at least toss me the cordless?

Can you believe the dress still fits?

Can you do that for me, Josh Cribbs?"

Can you guys just not mention to my parents about the law school thing?

Can you notarize something for me right now?

Can you please notarize these documents for me?

Can you zoom in?

Can't change a team's... come on.

Can't talk about it, guys.

Can't we just plead frittata?

Cardio tennis! Whoo!

Carrying a big bag of things.

Cause I just looked at pornographic material at work.

Change his lineup.

Charity terrorists are people like yourself who force me to

Cheadle in Africa in the hotel.

Cheers.

Chicago Metropolitan area.

Chill hours, 15 minutes from my house to your house.

Chinese guy trying to pinch your nipples.

Class act.

Class act.

Cock and cute balls.

Colin, let's go, man.

Colin!

Colin!

Colin.

Colin's big wish was to meet Terrell Suggs.

Come back to bed, Rodney.

Come back!

Come get it. Come get mama.

Come here.

Come here.

Come here. You got to look at this thing.

Come on in. Come on in. Come on in.

Come on, baby, bring those tears over here.

Come on, get out.

Come on, guys, run, run, run, run.

Come on, honey. Come on!

Come on, it's fun, healthy No. I just basically have to

Come on, let's dance.

Come on, let's grab a little couch time.

Come on, man, let's get out of here, Colin.

Come on, Teddy.

Come on, we had a deal.

Come on, you can do it.

Come on, you're a boyfriend chameleon, you know this.

Come on!

Come on! Josh Cribbs!

Come on.

Come on.

Come on.

Come on. It was a goof.

Come on. Watch!

Come to bed.

Commissioner?

Commitment ceremony doing you a favor and inviting you over to his house?

Compared to a celebrity.

Completely tacky.

Congratulations, Nosferatu.

Congratulations.

Constantly begging me to change his lineup, change his lineup,

Cool.

Could actually see the whites of her knuckles.

Could it be... ooh, is it your meniscus?

Could you?

Couldn't find it. ♪

Crap and a mint?

Crap the booze out, have a mint, good to go.

Crap the booze out.

Cryptography for Dummies.

Cunado.

Damn it, you're going to have to throw up.

Dance party time.

Dearest Zola Budd, I'm very pleased to learn that

Defect, defect, defect. Back to main's.

Definitely.

Designated driver.

Dick punch!

Did he sing the song "Faith"?

Did he tap your foot underneath the stall?

Did he? Hey.

Did I just see Megan walk in with her grandfather?

Did it feel good?

Did it work?

Did you ever think about that?

Did you see that?

Did you start a legal fund for him yet?

Do I know people who have been in there?

Do I?

Do it, let's do it. You know what?

Do me a favor and change the name back, please.

Do me a favor and say "Happy anniversary."

Do this, baby.

Do you have a favorite flavor Spunk?

Do you have a juicer?

Do you know why?

Do you like funny videos?

Do you like it?

Do you like my earrings?

Do you mind if I take some?

Do you remember that time when we saw that random asian dude at

Do you see... see that guy over there?

Do you think he knows?

Do you understand me?

Do you want something? Whatever you're having.

Do you want them?"

Do you?

Do you... Oh, sure. Come on up.

Doctor.

Doesn't make you black by association.

Doesn't need to be top shelf.

Don't ***, notarize!

Don't agonize... notarize.

Don't apologize... notarize!

Don't be rated PG.

Don't compromise... notarize!

Don't expect you to pay me to go on the elliptical to work it off.

Don't forget your anal Kegels.

Don't hide your thighs, notarize

Don't know what I'm going to do with that kid.

Don't laugh! It's not funny!

Don't make me sit on you!

Don't need one.

Don't terrorize... notarize!

Don't touch! You'll burn your skin.

Don't worry about it, I'll take care of it.

Don't worry about that.

Don't worry, everybody, I'm a doctor!

Don't you want me?

Don't you?

Down there.

Drink... doesn't matter how expensive.

Drive?

Drop him.

Drop him.

Dude, favors are gay.

Dude, give me your e mail.

Dude, how hot is that?

Dude, seriously, I have such funny videos to send you.

Dude, that's Matt Forte... running back from the Chicago Bears.

Dude, what is that?

Dude, you know what I love is nitrous.

Eating my chicken salad sandwich out of the fridge.

Eh eh, eh eh.

Eight man, 12 man? What is it?

Either way, you're right, though.

El Cunado.

El Cunado.

Ellie, can you please be careful up there?! Thank you.

Else touched you, I would take their nuts and put 'em in a

End up chewing whatever it is I smell in there.

Enjoy. Oh.

Enough.

Especially if he ends up dead.

Especially you, Ruxin, you asshole.

Establish age and sex of the patient.

Even more?

Even you know you're gonna lose.

Everybody in the end needs a Bathroom Cubby

Everybody, have fun.

Everybody, this is Stacy.

Everybody, this man has been hit!

Everyone was saying how beautiful your dress was.

Everything is free.

Everywhere?

Ew!

Ew.

Except slightly more expensive.

Excuse me, where you going?

Excuse me?

Excuse me?

Excuse me?

Eyes to the ancient wisdom of the West.

Fair enough, I'm just... I'm gonna get out of here.

Fantasy football is about proving that you're better than your friends,

Fast forward, fast forward.

Fast forward.

Fear boner.

Fear boner.

Fear Boners?

Feels like I... Honey, could you take Tim upstairs, please?

Fella, I need to thank you for making that trade just now.

Fine.

Fine.

Fine.

Fine. I will do this, but I'm gonna get even with you.

Firecracker.

First of all, let's start at the beginning, the facts.

First week, first win.

Five years ago?

Fix this. It's your fault.

Focus, focus, focus.

Focus.

Football will not effect our home life.

For dermabrasion.

For next weekend; I can't go.

For taking my brother into the league.

For Team Twyla, for our marathon.

For those who can't run.

For what?

Forehand! (grunts)

Fork it up, come on.

Fortunately, though, we had two cameras.

Fourth Street.

Frank Gore and I both have it, and we're both out this week.

Friend request on Facebook?

Friend's office... Josh Cribbs!

Friends, you are looking at a licensed notarizer.

From myself.

Funny.

Gay stuff, gay stuff.

Gentlemen, you are looking at a man with a life partner.

Get him back here. You got to get him back.

Get it done, man.

Get out of here!

Get out of this house!

Get out!

Get ready, 'cause I am coming for you.

Get rid of him. Right now.

Get that cake out of here. Give me the iPad.

Get your dick out of my face!

Getting all the grease all over my computer.

Giggling Like A Schoolgirl?

Give me a call.

Give me my iPad.

Give me my iPad. It's my anniversary.

Give me my iPad. Let me just take her in peace.

Give me the cake! Give me the iPad.

Give money to things against my will.

Giving me some tickets?

Go for it, buddy

Go play down there.

Go walk it off, buddy.

Go, go, go, go!

Go, go, go, go.

Go!

Go.

Go. Leave me alone.

God damn it. I'm... Man, I'm losing my mojo, and

God, where do you think they're going right now?

God, you smell good.

Goddamn canotary.

Goddamn it, Taco, I told you that thing was dangerous!

Goddamn, I hate being commissioner of this league.

Good for you.

Good night, gentlemen.

Good song, man

Good spot for that. I like it.

Good to see you.

Good to see you.

Good, good for you.

Good.

Got to get the people in there.

Got to go to the bathroom, but you got some food in your hand,

Great

Great sashimi.

Great.

Great. Love you.

Great. Thank you.

Green, like the color of money... and the color of your eyes.

Greenblatt in fourth grade?

Grotesque, and it's like watching a science fiction film

Guy's got a point.

Guys, come on.

Guys, good to see you.

Guys, guys, guys, look, look, look, look.

Guys, long time ago.

Guys, the meeting with Dr. Maxwell went dope, okay?

Guys, uh, over here at 2:00, there's this chick I work with.

Guys, we'll be right back. Watch my purse.

Guys, we're just talking about a little friendly competition here.

Guys! Welcome... Nah.

Ha ha ha ha.

Ha!

Had sex with?

Had this fantastic French Cab just sitting around.

Half full of days that I can't remember.

Hand.

Happiest day of their lives.

Happiness, and you took it down before we had a chance to spread

Happy anniversary.

Happy birthday! Happy birthday.

Hare you? What are you doing here?

Have fun in 1971.

Have fun tonight. All right!

Have to do is a favor in return?

Have to open your eyes.

Have you ever been to a pro football game?

He called me every three minutes this morning, for an hour, just

He didn't even know about eating Spunk.

He doesn't care about money.

He doesn't need one.

He embraces the El Cunado nickname.

He is shit faced.

He loves funny videos.

He probably has, like, a huge surprise planned for you.

He thinks I'm still chugging.

He tripped himself.

He wants to play, let's play.

He was cowardly, gay,

He was going to hire me to be the DJ.

He was going to invite all your friends and your family.

He was going to rent the whole place out.

He was probably going to do it at the place where you guys had your first date, right?

He works out.

He'll call you back.

He's a bit of an anniversary grinch.

He's a fun vacuum.

He's a professional, just like myself. Ugh! Oh!

He's a sly fox. No, he's not a sly fox.

He's at the bar trying to cut his own hair with a knife, okay?

He's awful.

He's getting green.

He's getting... He's running!

He's going to be useless.

He's got this home gym obsession right now.

He's got your number.

He's having a very special night with his wife.

He's here to collect some photos for a very special anniversary gift.

He's injured.

He's losing a lot of blood!

He's more worthless than the black Thompson Twin.

He's my hot date for tonight.

He's not doing it all the time, all right?

He's not my brother.

He's now gonna destroy me 'cause he's got Forte.

He's our friend.

He's running! He... Come on, 26.2.

He's so funny, man.

He's so great.

He's stacked.

He's the one who's actually going to be playing for Gore,

He's trying to get in my head

He's vile.

He's wearing a silk robe.

Head, but I know about your little plan

Heard you guys were making some friends in the park tonight.

Heirloom tomatoes are different from regular tomatoes?

Hello, Taco.

Hello? Ruxin?

Hello.

Help us.

Here we go.

Here we go.

Here we go. Open your eyes.

Here you go.

Hernando's a man's name.

Hey

Hey guys? Yeah.

Hey, baby.

Hey, Blondie, want to drive a Porsche?

Hey, dude, we were playing.

Hey, Ed.

Hey, guys, how's it going?

Hey, guys.

Hey, guys.

Hey, guys.

Hey, guys. Oh, hey.

Hey, hey, hey, no, I said bottled water on the tables.

Hey, hey, hey, no, I'm coming right here, baby.

Hey, hey, hey.

Hey, I thought we were going to hang, guys.

Hey, I'm sort of in a rush this morning, so I got to... I'm in here.

Hey, if we could have your attention real quickly.

Hey, it's me! Guys remember Jasmine, right?

Hey, it's Raffi.

Hey, look who it is.

Hey, man, that stuff I said about killing him, please don't

Hey, partner!

Hey, Raffi.

Hey, Rudy, we're just catching up over here.

Hey, Sofia, you excited?

Hey, Ted, you okay?

Hey, Ted. Really great hanging with you, buddy.

Hey, Terrell Suggs!

Hey, Thelma and Louise.

Hey, watch it, pal!

Hey, you know what, Ted?

Hey!

Hey!

Hey! There you go!

Hey.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey. Hi.

Hi, everyone. Sorry, you interrupted me doing business stuff.

Hi, everyone. Sorry, you interrupted me doing business stuff.

Hi, handsome. Nice to meet you.

Hi, Jenny. You look lovely.

Hi, Lily.

Hi, sweetheart.

Hi.

Hi.

Hi.

Hi.

Hi.

Hi.

Hi. And you are dating Taco?

Hi. Hi.

Hi. Um, would you excuse us for just a second, please?

Hill of channel surfing.

Him here because he collects ferrets.

His mom made great food.

Hm?

Hmm?

Hmm.

Hmm. Um... I just, like, realized that

Hold on a second.

Holiday Entertaining for Dummies.

Holy shit, she's never gonna *** this out.

Holy shit.

Homophobic and racist.

Honestly, like, I think Ted is great. He is great.

Honey, open your mouth.

Honey, where are you?

Honey, you've never done this before.

Honey.

Hotel Rwanda?

How about a big donation and a big piece of cake?

How about a breast reduction?

How about that.

How about the name that was on my goddamn sandwich!

How dare you, Ruxin.

How do you even sleep at night?

How do you know him?

How do you know that?

How do you know what "notarize" means, Taco?

How friendly?

How hard is it to hang out on a beach in Mexico?

How is it possible that your stomach is more stubborn than you are?

How many times do I have to poke you before you accept my

How many times do I have to tell these people?

How much do you love this guy, huh?

How much of that marathon did you run last year?

How you doing, man?

How you doing?

How you doing?

How you doing?

How you doing?

How?

How's it feel to lose?

How's it going, bros?

How's it going? It's really good.

Hydration? Huh? Hm?

I am going to go get a drink.

I am going to ravage you.

I am incredibly uncomfortable right now.

I am just a civilian and an avid fan of public moron racing.

I am not a 16 year old girl who thinks she's fat and lives in Florida.

I am not a biologist.

I am pretty sure it was very public a couple days ago when I

I am quick, you are effective.

I am really enjoying being in the league.

I am running the marathon.

I am thinking of expanding my practice.

I am... notarizing.

I am... running it.

I can add/drop, I can change the entire league's name, but I

I can do that.

I can have it all.

I can make this right.

I can make this right.

I can play games.

I can see why you'd be attracted to an older man, 'cause you are very mature

I can't believe I'm actually rooting for Ruxin to win here, but I really...

I can't do... I can't do it.

I can't get it out.

I can't see you.

I can't speak to what happened in the past, but I can

I can't.

I can't... I have O'Connor's speech.

I choked on some water.

I could give you a hair replacement.

I couldn't think of a scenario where I could bail both of you out.

I deserve it all.

I did it 'cause it felt good.

I did it! I won! I won!

I didn't get scared.

I didn't mean it in, like, a weird way.

I didn't spend nights there, because my parents didn't like

I didn't. I don't...I don't like diversity, 'cause it is... racist.

I do.

I don't care how.

I don't care if we have to spend our entire grown up weekend making you vomit.

I don't care what patrol you're on. I'm...

I don't care what you call it.

I don't cry during sex.

I don't even know if this party is happening.

I don't even know who you are

I don't have to plan anything, I don't have to buy anything.

I don't know about a home gym, so I get the book.

I don't know what he's talking about.

I don't know what kind of cockamamie bullshit you're

I don't know what that is.

I don't know what your deal is, but I found these pills in

I don't know what's racist and what's not racist.

I don't know what's worse.

I don't know where you're going to go.

I don't know why I am marrying this woman.

I don't know, but I think he would love a bucketful of points.

I don't know, but I wish I could go with them.

I don't know, man.

I don't know.

I don't know.

I don't know. I am not in the league. I have no opinion.

I don't like that when you put that there at all.

I don't mind if you cry during sex again.

I don't need a spot... I'm on posture patrol, all right?

I don't really think you guys are in any position to decide

I don't think he knows what that word means?

I don't think they have flavors or just different I like the black kind.

I don't think what I did was wrong; I feel like it was fine.

I don't think you could lay any lower.

I don't understand what "effort" means.

I don't want him gone with my car.

I don't want to be racist.

I don't want to hear that.

I don't want to spend any more time thinking about or

I don't want to. Ugh!

I enjoy both of your unorthodox running styles.

I feel like a new man.

I feel like you're still thinking about it.

I forgot.

I found it to be a very effective form of communication.

I found some of your college poetry on an archived Prodigy

I gave him a fake number.

I get it.

I got $120 burning a hole in the hole in my pocket, so name the

I got an idea

I got it right here. No. No.

I got it, I got it.

I got it.

I got it.

I got plans, man, sorry.

I got plans, too, but these two single gentlemen are going

I got to get out of here, guys.

I got to get out of here. Enjoy it.

I got to go. I got to go.

I got to go. Oh, Josh Cribbs!

I got to throw a Hail Mary.

I got to use your bathroom.

I gotta give Andre his car back.

I gotta lie down for a second.

I guess that's pretty cool.

I guess they left a coat in the coat room, or something. That's all I heard.

I had a lot of black friends when I was growing up.

I had to go for it.

I have a martial arts class.

I have a very refined, educated bowel.

I have no idea who to start this week.

I have one more surprise for you guys.

I have seen you in the traditional garb.

I have sensitive eyes, okay?

I have so much to learn.

I have the strength of four Salisburies, three sirloins and

I have to go downstairs and listen to O'Connor's speech.

I have to leave, too.

I have turf toe.

I haven't done it,

I haven't even written my vows yet, Kevin.

I haven't seen him in so long.

I heard something.

I heard you're a notary.

I heart you, too.

I hope the both of you tear an ACL, and I hope maybe you die.

I hope you lose control of your bowels like that German marathon runner.

I I do not, I don't know what... This is intimacy, sweetheart.

I I... I picked up, you know, Ryan Grant.

I just always thought that Western medicine was a bit of a joke.

I just don't think I can do it.

I just feel like the male anatomy is always so sort of

I just felt my hamstring tighten up.

I just hit the shit out of Sizzler.

I just suck these down.

I just think you guys are worried she's gonna kick your ass.

I just want to go find this girl, just... I'll be back.

I just wanted to say when..

I just...

I just... I thank you for sharing your life with me.

I just... I think in the end that she's gonna end up creating a bigger mess

I keep forgetting that.

I kind of want to.

I knew it.

I know how to make this right.

I know I am.

I know that you like this.

I know this is a very special day.

I know what it is, but why is it here and why does he have it?

I know what you're trying to do.

I know, but it's been so long. God, you look... You look great.

I know, so I'm kind of saving you from yourself.

I know.

I like it.

I like jazz.

I like Ted. He is really cute.

I like that... I like that suit.

I like the books.

I like this, I like what's going on.

I loathe him.

I loathe the El Cunado.

I love arts & crafts.

I love blow jobs!

I love it.

I love Spunk.

I love Taco, you know I do.

I love Terrific Lady Day.

I love that. I love that.

I made a plan.

I made it happen.

I make people look better

I may be right back.

I mean don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining.

I mean, guys, this entire experience has really opened my

I mean, let's go upstairs to our hotel room.

I mean, that happens all the time.

I mean, that's one of the reasons I agreed to meet with you today si

I mean, when people see your face, you know, it can really

I mean... We all make mistakes.

I met him at the park.

I met this doctor, Dr. Maxwell.

I might even talk politics.

I miss you, Rodney.

I need a haircut.

I need a spanking.

I need someone to apply pressure to his penis!

I need this win.

I need your support...will you come out? You need a drink, my friend?

I never noticed that.

I obviously couldn't call Sofia, so thank you very much for coming down here.

I prefer the term "altruistically self serving."

I prefer the term "altruistically self serving."

I promised you guys a special night and that means no distractions.

I quit being commissioner of this league.

I really did.

I really enjoy it.

I really screwed up.

I save lives.

I save lives.

I saw a coat closet.

I sent you a message.

I set it all up. You sure? Yeah.

I should be allowed to be comfortable being myself around her.

I should have hid that one

I should never have lent you that movie.

I spew less shit and I smell much better.

I stubbed my toe.

I swear to God.

I Taped My Asshole And Showed It To All Of My Friends While I Was

I think Colin would love if you sacked the quarterback,

I think he means gay Tony Stark.

I think I'll have a hefeweizen.

I think I'm gonna barf.

I think it is a blessing in disguise.

I think it's great you guys are both running the marathon.

I think it's more dated.

I think Ruxin has a little something to say.

I think the party is happening tomorrow night.

I think you should, man.

I think you're just gonna have to be quick.

I think you're not supposed to be drinking anything, 'cause

I though "You know what?

I thought he did a fine job.

I thought maybe it could just be a hand job.

I thought these were all Yellow Pages.

I thought we were comfortable with our bodies.

I thought you brought her to gymnastics.

I threw the ass stamp in for free!

I want Megan to move on, okay?

I want to (bleep) you in the coat room so badly.

I want to be able to do this.

I want to be the Pinkberry of plastic surgery.

I want to become the Sanjay Gupta of plastic surgery.

I want to talk to Jenny, my wife, not Jenny, my week four competitor

I want to tell you what my ten year plan is.

I wanted to capture the wedding's "cinnamon very day" style.

I was Hacky Sacking way before I ever met her.

I was jogging and... just a friendly dude.

I was wondering where you were hiding.

I wasn't scared.

I went and ruined the whole thing.

I went down on a girl in that car.

I will change it back.

I will cut them out of you.

I will get it... okay, see you over there.

I will when she says "Happy birthday."

I will.

I wish I could slip a dollar through the computer.

I wish we hadn't, but that's life.

I won it.

I won't bite. That thing doesn't even make sense.

I won't even chew gum and go into the bathroom because I'll

I would never do that!

I would totally come with you, but I... I got those fish dates,

I, Pete Eckhart will run in the Chi Town marathon

I, um... I just... I can't

I... don't think he has a lot of time left.

I... I'm not talking about putting that out there.

I'd be curious to get a firsthand retelling.

I'd like an old fashioned, please.

I'll be back in a sec.

I'll be so psyched if you get those tickets.

I'll be there on Sunday.

I'll consummate this agreement here on the table.

I'll have salmon, too, yeah. Good choice, yeah

I'll just do a little instrumental set then.

I'll notarize you!

I'll put it in myself.

I'll see you on the track.

I'll show you over the line.

I'll spot you, and you spot... No spot, please.

I'm a bit emotional right now.

I'm a doctor, but I also need to be a personality.

I'm a red hot fireman.

I'm a, I'm a spiritual bulldozer, if you will.

I'm at, like, 40% right now.

I'm black on the inside.

I'm colorblind.

I'm doing good.

I'm doing it because I want you to throw out.

I'm done with the rat race. I'm retired.

I'm fine with that.

I'm fine.

I'm friendly.

I'm getting a home gym

I'm going to be able to ask him to make my wish come true

I'm going to be the... Ruxin Looks Like A Middle Aged Lesbians.

I'm going to do Teach for America.

I'm going to do to him what I do to you.

I'm going to find my friend... Molly.

I'm going to go ahead and have the bacon wrapped filet, please?

I'm going to have nonconsensual sex with your face and butt.

I'm going to have salmon. Salmon, uh, yeah.

I'm going to put Josh Cribbs in as my flex and hope that he runs

I'm gonna accept it.

I'm gonna change the name of our league.

I'm gonna have to take this.

I'm gonna lay low for a little while.

I'm gonna make a whole adult weekend out of the thing.

I'm gonna pass it all on to you, Ruxin.

I'm gonna put seven dollars'

I'm gonna take 'em off in just a second.

I'm half black.

I'm happy for her that she's found someone.

I'm I'm looking right...Just please look me in the eyes. I'm not a piece of meat.

I'm in a a park league.

I'm in your head, bro.

I'm injured, okay?

I'm just going to go ahead and grab those tickets real quick.

I'm just going to... I'm going to head for that door.

I'm just going to... I'm going to head for that door.

I'm just gonna change his team name back... No, you can't change a team name.

I'm just gonna let him finish it and suffer.

I'm just gonna tell her about Frank Gore.

I'm just grabbing another bottle of champagne.

I'm just kidding, man, just busting balls.

I'm just... I'm going to see a girl and I have an anticip erection.

I'm leaving the pants on, okay?

I'm making a ruling here.

I'm making dreams happen.

I'm not a barber

I'm not a miracle worker.

I'm not censoring myself in front of her.

I'm not Chuck Norris.

I'm not fine.

I'm not gay!

I'm not gay!

I'm not gay!

I'm not going to waste time on them.

I'm not going, all right?

I'm not gonna hurt... Whoa!

I'm not offended.

I'm not rummaging through my own feces like a raccoon.

I'm not thinking about it.

I'm off the clock.

I'm playing him tomorrow.

I'm polar ***

I'm right here, baby.

I'm right here, baby.

I'm right here.

I'm running, he's not.

I'm Ryan, this is Nicholas, and we just got married today.

I'm so horny right now.

I'm so sick of your commissioner bullshit.

I'm so sorry for whatever I did.

I'm so sorry.

I'm sorry, guys, I'll be right back.

I'm sorry, what?

I'm sorry. Can just interrupt for one second?

I'm sorry. I just... Ow!

I'm strengthening my core just like Joseph Pilates intended.

I'm sure you'll do me a solid at a certain point.

I'm Taco from Taco Corp.

I'm taking you down!

I'm the designated driver.

I'm the master of the stairs!

I'm totally cool with it.

I'm touching you with rose petals because if anybody

I'm training.

I'm trying to drink healthy.

I'm very excited.

I'm watching. I... That's the key.

I'm working my ass off over here.

I'm worried that her family full of conquistadors is going

I've been a bad, bad girl.

I've been practicing your arcane healing arts on my blind neighbor Simon.

I've got my official marathon number. It's my number. You stole my number

I've got to figure out if you're ready to play, right?

I've got to say thank you for letting her go.

I've got to throw up somewhere.

Ichiro Suzuki is... Inscrutable.

If he has sex in that car, you're buying me a new one.

If I cared, I would say that it was incidental contact.

If I do it for you, then I got to do it for everybody."

If it's good enough for me, it's good enough for Pete."

If they're not going to follow my rules, I'm out.

If we can get your attention over here.

If we can watch that video, we can clearly see that that was interference.

If we get separated, I need to call you.

If you actually do your job as commissioner

If you don't return two kickoffs for touchdowns, maybe a buck 50

If you run at him, he's gonna finish.

If you're looking for an apology, you came to the wrong place.

If you're not feeling well... No, he feels fantastic.

If, God forbid, someone went down right now in this bar.

In a hospital?

In fact, I have a roster of pro football players that we can meet.

In fact, I've never met anybody who's been through the Great Depression.

In fact, you should do this all the time for us.

In this church, now?

In your professional medical opinion, are some penises, say,

Incidental contact.

Incidental contact.

Interference.

Intimacy is spooning.

Is cause we have a serious issue we have to deal with.

Is he coming over here?

Is he gonna put the tickets through the little hole in the bathroom stall?

Is it terrible that I want to (bleep) your brains out?

Is it the anterior cruciate ligament?

Is it turf toe?

Is it your ankle?

Is Megan. Ooh.

Is official.

Is that a child behind you?

Is that what you want?

Is that why you plucked your mane?

Is that... Is that the word you're looking for, or...?

Is there a How to Hide Your Glaring Lack of Knowledge from

Isn't he awesome?

Isn't he on your team?

Isn't she great? No.

It around to the rest of the world.

It does feel good.

It feels good now.

It felt really good... till now.

It happened to be around Christmastime, and he was

It has taken me five years, but I've finally completed Ruxin and

It hurts down my throat

It is all about Kevin's pretty little cock.

It is done.

It is so great to finally meet you guys in person.

It is the bathroom, honey

It is, it is.

It just gives me so much more energy.

It literally is the circle of life.

It looks like a Hefty bag that washed up on the shore.

It looks like Ruxin renamed his team the Kevin's Microdongs.

It looks so big on me. TACO: What?

It makes animal noises.

It seems to me like you and I... we have the same mind for things.

It teaches me focus, discipline, and focus.

It up, and it sounds like you're cool with it.

It was a fireman's pole.

It was a long time ago.

It was a tie.

It was a... A tie.

It was ages ago.

It was all your goddamn brother's idea.

It was impressive.

It was nice knowing you, Kevin... We're gonna divide up your team evenly.

It was, like, a really elegant package, to be honest.

It was, um... The White Knuckler.

It wasn't a race.

It will kill me if this game ends in a tie.

It works?

It'll be a kickass time.

It'll be fun, huh?

It's a brand new Porsche Cayenne, okay?

It's a dirty job. Someone's got to do it

It's a gorgeous gift. I mean... Guys, quick question.

It's a house party.

It's a Nepalese dream box.

It's a pleasure, it's a real pleasure.

It's a rule that we take turns...

It's a tad childish, but hey, they enjoy it.

It's actually something simple enough for you to do.

It's all about becoming the authority.

It's almost a jihad against my wallet.

It's amazing how pointless and terrible your analogies are.

It's clothing.

It's clothing.

It's clothing. It's clothing.

It's coriander, and that's for hepatitis.

It's feeling better!

It's fine.

It's full of common sense legal advice.

It's going out the other end.

It's gonna be a tough match.

It's gonna be awesome.

It's good.

It's half full.

It's horrible.

It's just a dick move telling people you're gonna run a marathon and then not do it.

It's just like a brand new Porsche Cayenne.

It's just one song.

It's just Taco. It's fine.

It's just that I'm allergic.

It's just us.

It's kind of the best birthday ever.

It's like a dream wreck. I can't look away.

It's like another wedding.

It's like how studios release these big blockbuster movies and

It's like second generation stale to us.

It's like we're throwing feces at him and he's just

It's like, I'm not gonna pay you to lose weight. It's a scam.

It's more complicated than most stairs. No one was supposed to see that.

It's my only option, honestly

It's nice to be able to stick somebody once in a while.

It's no big deal.

It's not a big deal.

It's not a fear boner.

It's not a video game.

It's not awkward, it's great.

It's not dressing like you're the fifth member of Color Me Badd?

It's not free

It's not just football.

It's not notarized.

It's not Terrific Lady and Two Assholes Night, so get out!

It's okay, come here.

It's okay. We've believe that you're running the marathon.

It's on the tape. let's go to the tape.

It's probably got freezer burn, so... He's going to eat the urinal cake. Shh, shh.

It's racist.

It's something we like to do every night before we go to

It's Sports Performance Utility Nutrition Kick

It's Terrific Lady Night.

It's this other place.

It's this woman who's a notary.

It's wonderful, actually

It's you.

Jay Feely... two... Oh...... 5 0 yarders splitting the uprights.

Jazz music on, if there's a fire going in the fireplace and if

JENNY: Ruxin

Jesus, look at this place.

Jesus, what the... What are you doing?!

Jesus!

Jesus.

Josh Cribbs, hi.

Josh Cribbs!

Jukebox.

Just a little friendly competition.

Just a second, baby.

Just because someone is annoying you with their phone

Just breathe.

Just breathe.

Just do me a favor. Do you know what I'm saying?

Just drink this.

Just kidding. Josh Cribbs coming out, spin move!

Just take the sign, Andre.

Just, you know, just get the hell out of here.

Keep the iPad

Keeping the body clean, like a temple.

Kevin is a lazy, shitty commissioner.

Kevin was so modified in one single moment.

KEVIN: Oh, my God!

KEVIN: On Jenny's birthday? Perfect.

KEVIN: She actually does, so can you please do it? Thanks.

Kevin's Microdongs.

Kevin's vagina... (chuckling)

Ladies and gentlemen, the performance is about to begin.

Latest in fashion, design, technology, and my lady likes it.

Law for Dummies?

Leagues put in a system of checks and balances.

Learned to use deodorant yet

Leave, you give me the heads up, I'll go to the bathroom, I'll

Leave!

Leave.

Let me ask you a question, Twyla.

Let me get you a drink.

Let me take care of this.

Let's all get the same girl pregnant tonight.

Let's do this thing.

Let's do this, honey.

Let's do this.

Let's do this.

Let's go overpay for some drinks.

Let's go, guys.

Let's go, let's go.

Let's go.

Let's hurry up with those drinks, bartender

Let's notarize.

Let's put a bet on it: $1,000 I have a better time than you.

Let's see what else.

Life's dreams: to run the marathon.

Like a pig hunting for truffles, but this is just right in front

Like Favre in those Wrangler ads? With other guys.

Like I mean, not coming back?

Like most people, I've always been into traditional Eastern medicine

Like the fat lady at the DMV.

Like the piece of shit at McDonald's who won't give me a McGriddle at 10:01.

Like the sound of that?

Like the video.

Like, 20 minutes.

Like, I don't... I don't mean... Oh, no, no.

Like, I want some Spunk, you know?

Like, I'm gonna take Sofia this weekend and I'm gonna give her a

Like, it's almost like a joke.

Like, three or four times, and maybe even returned a fumble for

Lily's going to be there.

Linebacker Terrell Suggs.

Listen up everyone...

Listen, his femoral artery's been hit!

Listen, you should look for some telltale signs: if there's

Little Ben Bernanke.

Little financial crisis.

Look at him.

Look at his wild arms, like a maniac.

Look at that.

Look at that.

Look at this shit shag. I wouldn't eat anything here.

Look at this.

Look how excited he is.

Look who it is... it's me and my confidante, Josh Cribbs!

Look who the cat dragged in.

Look, do whatever you need to do.

Look, he was a pudgy guy.

Look, I don't give a shit what it says. You go curl.

Look, I know you have been avoiding me

Look, it's a normal person doing a nice favor for someone else.

Look, it's clearly not working.

Look, Ruxin's foot hits his other foot and he falls.

Look, Taco, I need your help

Look, the only reason I told you this story

Look, the thought of you beating me does not keep me hard.

Look, there's another situation developing we need to talk about.

Look, this notary stamp is from Venezuela.

Look, understand that

Look, would a gift certificate from Caesar change your mind?

Looking at organic squash for 20 minutes?

Looking good, pal.

Looking good.

Looking good. Come on in.

Looks like a Levitra ad.

Looks like a rusty balloon knot.

Looks like somebody's cock got a little less pretty.

Looks like this old ranch hand's going for one last cattle drive.

Love is a commitment

Love is a symphony, and love is a partnership

Love is a wonderful thing."

Love is a... any noun you want.

Love my naginata.

Lovely.

Lovie Smith.

Lying at home beneath your 80 thread count sheets, dreaming

Make fun all you want. I'm in peak performance mode.

Makes me hate you when you say things like that.

Making it tough for mama.

Man, I can't bail on that.

Man, I think you know what you got to do.

Many many months ago

Matt Forte and he'd better drop him cause he's too drunk to play tomorrow.

Maxwell brought some of his... clientele, so mingle

Maybe that's the better choice, you know.

Maybe we could talk about what to do that's best for Colin.

Maybe you're off, like, finger blasting somebody.

Me, and I'm making a change now.

Megan, is your dad okay?

Melanoma, melanamea.

Meters, Taco, meters.

Michelle Kwan. All right?

Might want to call 911.

Mm hmm, that was the idea.

Mm hmm.

Mm hmm.

Mm hmm.

Mm hmm. Okay. Yeah.

Mm hmm. Who else is going to hold your hand when you're

Mm mmm. No. We don't even need to even think about it.

Mm, about 60% blood flow.

Mm, El Cunado like.

Mm, I got a guy.

Mm, knowing that I'm losing is blood flow down there.

Mmm mmm.

Mmm.

Mmm.

Mmm.

Mmm. How about when Jay Feely's gonna kick a 60 yard field goal?

Mmm. Not hard enough.

Mmm... Mmm, here I am.

Mom is Italian.

More important than you.

Muddy field, no helmet, no pads, out there every Saturday.

My asshole could be a better commissioner than you!

My birthday. My wedding.

My birthday. My wedding.

My book's full.

My eyes are up here.

My gift to you.

My legs are killing me.

My neighbor's cat's still making that noise.

My own camera without any of you knowing.

My toe... Oh.

Naginata, everyone... He's talking about the spear, right?

Naginata, naginata, check out my naginata.

Naginata, naginata.

Naginata, naginata.

Naginata, naginata... Dr. Nosik, our partnership's over.

Naginata, please.

Nah, he's cool.

Namaste, Taco.

Naughty boy.

Need your thumbprint.

Neither do I.

Never again. Come on.

Night before my wedding.

Nine times out of ten, when a sportscaster is referring to

Nitrous, yeah.

No fair. Interference.

No idea. He has no idea.

No more Hutus and Tutsis?

No phone. No phone, sweetie.

No problem

No room in this *** world for an old school venezuelan notario like myself.

No way! I'm talking smack.

No way.

No, actually, I am kind o curious about this whole poetry

No, because he wasn't invited because I don't want

No, fear boner.

No, I am not a commissioner anymore.

No, I brought her to gymnastics and you were supposed to pick her up and...

No, I can't. I'm sorry.

No, I didn't have second thoughts about our marriage

No, I didn't make a trade on Terrific Lady Day!

No, I don't want to talk smack when I'm about to enter you.

No, I haven't.

No, I just like this stuff.

No, I just put on pants for a second.

No, I mean, it's basically like a public bathroom.

No, I was not.

No, I was thinking, you know, you could trade him.

No, I won.

No, I'm friendly.

No, I'm good closed.

No, I'm good with my SPUNK.

No, I'm not mad at all.

No, I'm not still angry.

No, I'm not.

No, I'm not.

No, it does sound dirty.

No, it doesn't drive like garbage

No, it's a video blog. Vlog.

No, it's all starting to hit me now.

No, it's filthy.

No, it's not Josh Cribbs. Uh, Josh Cribbs doesn't do that.

No, it's the perfect job for me, guys.

No, look, she's the person I've chosen to spend the rest of my life with.

No, no way.

No, no, don't touch!

No, no, he knocks me.

No, no, I'm leaving 'em on!

No, no, it's not hot. Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop!

No, no, no, I'm not playing this week. I have a buy week.

No, no, no, I'm not... B side, B side, come on.

No, no, no, no, I did not... I did not say that.

No, no, no, no.

No, no, no, no. Closure's a beautiful thing.

No, no, no, no. What I'm worried about is collision between you two.

No, no, no, oh, I don't like that at all.

No, no, no, phase two is not a public event.

No, no, no, real football, like in England.

No, no, no!

No, no, no.

No, no, no.

No, no, no.

No, no, no. Come back.

No, no, that's the plural.

No, no, there will be no music from you in any fashion.

No, no, we have to do it. For Sofia.

No, no, you don't, but we know you.

No, no, you would have to do it.

No, no.

No, no. Okay, all right... That is hot.

No, not really.

No, of course, I wanted to marry you.

No, she had a funny name.

No, sorry, it's you have to give me money and then I'll do it.

No, sorry, that's, that's what, that's what assholes call it.

No, Taco, those are spices.

No, teams have buy weeks. I know, I have a team.

No, this is not like a date night.

No, wait, no, it's occ... No.

No, we moved a while back... Oh, I'm so sorry.

No, we're not gay.

No, we're not.

No, you didn't.

No, you didn't.

No, you don't. Cake.

No, you say it first. Hi.

No, you're the best.

No!

No!

No!

No!

No.

No.

No.

No.

No.

No.

No.

No.

No.

No.

No.

No. Frank Gore went down with turf toe, I picked up his backup.

No. I just feel hurt.

No. My eyes are just hydrated.

No. Not only am I gonna meet him.

No. Not.

No. Put it away, Taco. This is a park.

No. We talked about it.

No. Weight Training for Dummies specifically says you

No. What's phase two?

Nobody else thinks you've got anything running around in your

Not a whiff of incense, everything was clean, no weird

Not as impressive as what's happening right now, though.

Not equally good as your friends. It's not communism.

Not the... The gigantic spear you brought.

Not true. Lest I bring up Hippie Girl.

Not true. Not true?

Notarize!

Notary business is good, and I have you to thank. I found a career, people respect

Nothing. There's nothing in my pants.

Now you're dealing with a notary!

Now, if you could just get rid of this pesky girl, the two

Now, Taco, you've ruined it.

Of a better life and whispering football secrets.

Of course it's a real gun. It's a real race.

Of course, yeah. Hey, good to see you, man.

Of her 831 followers on Twitter. That's so cool.

Of him in trades.

Of our faces.

Of so much desperation.

Of stupid, stupid exercise fads.

Official business.

Oh

Oh geez Louise, can you guys accept that?

Oh my God...

Oh, absolutely, yeah.

Oh, boy.

Oh, Brooke.

Oh, by the way, she's my plus one.

Oh, check this out.

Oh, come on, Andre.

Oh, come on!

Oh, come on!

Oh, come on.

Oh, come on.

Oh, come on.

Oh, cool.

Oh, don't take a knee, Palmer.

Oh, don't, don't start.

Oh, Ed, oh, my God.

Oh, excuse me, I'm over the line?

Oh, God

Oh, God, I don't want calf implants!

Oh, God, I'm out of here.

Oh, God, look at my wedding dress.

Oh, God, we're good.

Oh, God, what is this?

Oh, God!

Oh, God!

Oh, God!

Oh, God! Oh! Oh, God!

Oh, God! Ugh!

Oh, God.

Oh, God.

Oh, God.

Oh, God. Ugh!

Oh, good for you.

Oh, good luck.

Oh, he's doing great.

Oh, honey, he can hang.

Oh, I am, as you see.

Oh, I couldn't sleep. I am so excited about my matchups.

Oh, I didn't realize you were wearing a dress underneath those pants.

Oh, I don't have a car.

Oh, I got it!

Oh, I know.

Oh, I'm staying hydrated.

Oh, it's for my martial arts class. It's a naginata.

Oh, it's okay.

Oh, it's still Terrific Lady Day.

Oh, it's this amazing energy supplement.

Oh, just put it in the, uh, bathroom cubby.

Oh, Kevin.

Oh, looks like Frank Gore is out this week with Turf Tow,

Oh, man, I am killing it in my fantasy football league.

Oh, man, you should come sometime... you'd be my guest.

Oh, man.

Oh, my God

Oh, my God

Oh, my God, I fit in I was pretty impressive.

Oh, my God, I got 'em!

Oh, my God, it hit it! It hit it! It hit my dick!

Oh, my God, Kevin!

Oh, my God, that's so sweet.

Oh, my God, this is like awkward Wimbledon.

Oh, my God, this is perfect.

Oh, my God, what color is it?

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my. That makes it so much worse.

Oh, no shit!

Oh, no, I mean... Perfect, done.

Oh, no, no, I'm not the commissioner, and I have no jurisdiction here.

Oh, no, no. We're not driving. Taco got us all cars.

Oh, no, you're not! You're not getting those tickets.

Oh, now you're gonna need to come back with two forms of I.D.

Oh, oh, yes, you do.

Oh, okay, ha ha ha, very funny.

Oh, okay, I got to go.

Oh, on the same girl?

Oh, Raffi's coming by for a drink.

Oh, really?

Oh, really?

Oh, really? Bring your whole family.

Oh, right.

Oh, Ruxin, you know that's... that's crossing the line.

Oh, see, but the problem I'm having is, I can only bail one of you out.

Oh, shit

Oh, shit, I got to get back to work. Congratulations.

Oh, shit, I got to get back to work. Congratulations.

Oh, shit, you guys are crewing up?

Oh, shit.

Oh, show's brutal.

Oh, sorry, fear boner.

Oh, stupid. You know what?

Oh, that is awful and... Shameful.

Oh, that looks good.

Oh, that stopped hurting.

Oh, that's not cool.

Oh, that's so thoughtful.

Oh, that's weird that I caught that.

Oh, that's... Come here.

Oh, the night before my birthday? My wedding.

Oh, there are so few things that bring me joy like this.

Oh, these are some of Kevin's friends.

Oh, this is great.

Oh, this is great.

Oh, uh, fantasy football?

Oh, uh, if you're going to give him a hand job, make sure to wear rubber gloves.

Oh, uh, when are the German shepherds and the firehoses coming?

Oh, wait a minute.

Oh, we're going to hang.

Oh, well, I couldn't read it with all that chicken scratch on it!

Oh, well, to make a short story long, I fell out of a tree, landed on my wrist.

Oh, what an asshole.

Oh, wise one, are these your Western healing potions?

Oh, wow.

Oh, yeah, he is.

Oh, yeah, he's... Kevin has a home gym?

Oh, yeah, I'm the winner.

Oh, yeah, it's great that your ex wife is going to show up

Oh, yeah, no, you've definitely been working out.

Oh, yeah, really old stuff.

Oh, yeah, this is, um... This is Colin.

Oh, yeah, yeah. You'll be fine.

Oh, yeah!

Oh, yeah?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yes.

Oh, you found out about my wedding video?

Oh, you know what?

Oh, you put on some corduroy pants, huh?

Oh, you want me to notarize that?

Oh, you're on.

Oh!

Oh!

Oh! (chomping)

Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Taco! Oh!

Oh! Troy Polamalu!

Oh! Wow! Mmm!

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh. Can I get some ice? Ugh!

Oh. Hi, guys. Kevin and Jenny. Wow.

Oh. No, no, no, I meant... I meant clothing.

Oh. The techie.

Oh. You got to warm up.

Oh... (applause)

Oh... (Ruxin chuckling)

Oh... But now I'm starting a new business.

Oh... hello!

Oh... Mexico's Beach Resorts for Dummies.

Oh... we're out of beer, bro.

Okay

Okay, all right, you know what?

Okay, are we happy now?

Okay, baby, you don't have to get upset.

Okay, but I'll see you later?

Okay, Ed.

Okay, fair enough.

Okay, first of all, these are swarovsky crystals.

Okay, good, all right... But the lineups lock in,

Okay, guys, just chill out.

Okay, here's the situation.

Okay, I am turning this off.

Okay, I'm a little mad.

Okay, just... I thought it was impossible to heal the human body without

Okay, look.

Okay, no, you can't just bring some rando girl because you have a plus one.

Okay, okay.

Okay, okay... Is that a real gun?

Okay, that explains that.

Okay, we'll see.

Okay, well we started that already, Taco

Okay, well, then why don't you put your name on it, Rodney?

Okay, you know what, this isn't funny anymore.

Okay, you know... I thank you.

Okay?

Okay? I'm not gonna do it.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay. I want to meet a pro football player.

Okay... You look a lot like Nosferatu... I do not.

Old habits die hard.

On that walk, did you stop at TCBY?

On the battlefield.

On your marks, get... Whoa! Geez!

One minute, we're hanging out, partying, smiling, laughing it

One of them's a pig having sex with a monkey.

One of those Goody Two Shoes.

One, two, three.

Ooh, I love when you talk politics.

Ooh, I'm going to change mine, too, to the "Ruxin Got Serves."

Ooh, let it take it in. No!

Ooh, nice leggies.

Ooh, ooh, ooh.

Ooh, ooh!

Ooh, yeah.

Ooh!

Ooh.

Ooh.

Ooh. Looky, looky.

Oops.

Open your mouth.

Or drop dead a winner.

Or my birthday party

Or should I say... (high pitched voice): Oh, hello!

Otherwise known as Thurber Horngood Syndrome.

Our brilliant forefathers in the ancient fantasy football

Our fearless commissioner Kevin... I think he's out, man.

Our fearless commissioner returns.

Our original wedding cake from five years ago

Out for the game. What?

Ozzie Guillen is, a... Firecracker

Page, and I just have to say, "Hernanado's Song" was beautiful.

Parent fail.

Parks are like the club meth for homosexuals.

Parks are super gay.

Patchouli oil, but I stand corrected.

Paved the way to my happiness. What can I say?

Peace.

People are gonna call you a champion for making everybody's dreams come true today.

Percy, yeah.

Percy?

Personal attacks on the message board.

PETE: Isn't there such a thing as too much sharing?

PETE: Jeez.

PETE: No!

PETE: Ruxin's post contained a lot of wonderful joy and

Pete. How you doing, man?

Pick us up at 8:00.

Playing with it.

Please tell me that you're not representing BP.

Please, I had so much more to say.

Please? Thank you.

Plus, we didn't trust each other with any other kind of competition.

Porsche?

Prepare yourself, because I am literally going to sodomize you

Prettier than others would be?

Pretty sure it's illegal in this state.

Pretty.

Probably O'Connor... he's a ballbuster, that guy.

Probably old age.

Psyched for Sunday matchups.

Pulling here, but I'm onto you.

Push, come on.

Push, push.

Put it away, and get out of here.

Put it away.

Put pressure on his penis!

Quick yet effective.

Racist. Any thoughts?

Raffi bringing the heat right away.

Raffi in the house!

Raffi, what are you doing here?!

Raffi, what are you... Oh, my God. That's yours now.

Raffi!

Real class act.

Really down on their bodies.

Really, Taco?

Really, Taco?

Really, yeah.

Really?

Really?

Really?

Really?

Really? A foot race?

Really? Are you kidding me?

Really? Did the pole end up in a fireman's truck?

Really? I am still really hungry, though.

Really? Really.

Really? The whole family?

Really? Totally.

Really? We're gonna talk about who's wearing what?

Relationship with my beautiful wife

Relax, man, you don't have to cover her up.

Relax, you're fine.

Religious horror film.

Respect of my peers, but we get what we get.

Rest that hammy.

Returning a kickoff for a touchdown, a hundred all purpose yards...

Ricky Williams or Toby Gerhardt? I am not sure. What do you think?

Right, but also a well placed camera which certainly has two

Right?

Right.

Right. Yeah, I'm gonna crush you in the marathon.

Rodney!

Run, run, run.

Run!

Run!

Runners in the background and what transpired in the race

RUXIN: Honey.

RUXIN: I like how your wife doesn't make us use coasters.

RUXIN: Oh, Pete, you are the Ken Burns of making Andre look like an asshole.

RUXIN: You're a vile animal.

Ruxin.

S.P.U.N.K.

Saturday on my birthday again? Unbelievable.

Say it again.

Scrubs?

See this commitment ceremony over here?

See you a little later.

See you later.

See you later.

See you, guys. Later

See, I just don't negotiate with charity terrorists.

See, I wish I had... (grunts)

See?

See? Exactly.

See? There's benefits. Ah, ah, ah, ah! No phones

Semantics!

Seriously?

She Googled too deep. She's a deep Googler.

She Googled you guys. No, no.

She likes me, she's super techie, very cool.

She pulled me into the labor room.

She seems to have taken a shine to the gaucho stylings of

She seems to have taken a shine to the gaucho stylings of

She was Swiss!

She's a team player, she uses words like "synergy."

She's good.

She's like page five shit, man. Come on.

She's not a rando girl, okay?

She's not going to miss it.

She's strange, man. Shit's natural, bitch.

She's weird. Totally weird.

She's, like, a real canotary.

She's, she's kissing Taco.

Shedding the pounds like Chicago's bravest.

Shh

Shh, shh, shh.

Shh.

Shh.

Shit, shit.

Shit. Okay, got to just get out of here, go to an Internet

Shonn Greene... three touchdowns for 28 points.

Should be

Should I do this?

Shut up

Shut up, okay?

Sleep... we put our dreams in there.

So Andre and I were hanging out a few months ago.

So back in college, we were heading home from the bars one night.

So good, we're gonna do it.

So his wish was to meet...

So I am confiscating this phone and you'll get it back tomorrow morning.

So I don't know, our only option is

So I said, I'll write a letter.

So I'm going to go work out over there.

So in.

So me and Andre have tied this one.

So that's why every 2.6 months, I make a grand gesture.

So this is payback for the placenta.

So uh...

So wait, he's done... done?

So what are you, you're married now, right?

So where do you get this stuff?

So you got her? Sunday?

So you got to get a move on.

So you in?

So you still think he's just doing you a favor?

So you're saying that I should've left Ruxin's asshole up on the message board?

So you're saying that Kevin's beautiful cock is tearing you up inside?

So, anyway, happy anniversary. Thank you so much.

So, call him African American, then?

So, Colin, let's make this wish come true.

So, Colin, what do you think?

So, enjoy yourselves.

So, full disclosure... I tripped myself

So, hold on.

So, hold on.

So, uh, you want a juice, too?

So, what happened?

So, what's BP?

So, what's Kevin been up to?

So? I think that's, I think it's great.

Soccer?

Sofia, Oh, my God. Hmm?

Sofia...

Sofia's wedding gift, their wedding video.

Some people just aren't like us.

Someone as a "class act,"

Someone does not like that you took down his post.

Someone has to defend them

Something you don't want in the bathroom.

Sometimes we take them for granted. But not people with lower limotaxia.

Sometimes when I puke, I shit.

Son of a bitch!

Sorry, we don't know you.

Sorry.

Sorry. You should've gotten him Spears for Dummies.

Sort of, yeah.

Spark plug in the clubhouse.

Spark plug.

Speaking of assholes... Hi.

Sportscasters use these code words in all of the sports.

Spunk is amazing.

Squeeze harder!

Squeeze!

Starchild was wonderful, all right?

Starting line is right here, and the finish line is 400 miles that way.

Steed of love into the gallows of my heart."

Stop it.

Stop wicking.

Stretching for Dummies.

Stripper pole.

Success.

Such a better choice.

Suck it.

Sudden you marry his sister and he's your best friend now?

Sunday I like to tinker around with my lineup.

Sunday you will pick Ellie up?

Super strong, so I only have to drink a little.

Sure.

Sure.

Sure.

Sweep the leg, Johnny!

Sweet, yeah.

Sweetheart, I got to go, so bye, guys. Um, Sunday you could pick Ellie

Taco and I talked it over.

Taco is going to be performing later in the evening, and Dr.

Taco is like career kryptonite.

Taco, come in.

Taco, look at you.

Taco, what are you doing here?

TACO: Hey, guys.

TACO: Hey, why are you dressed like that?

TACO: How's it going?

Taco?

Taco's a notary, huh?

Take in all the bathroom scent.

Take me away, Attorney General.

Talking about, uh, football... week one.

Ted, are you... are you... honey, are you okay?

Ted, this is my ex husband Pete. Pete.

Ted, we're hanging.

Ted's actually in a real league.

Ted's not hanging.

Teddy. Excuse me, excuse me.

Tell anybody I said that.

Terrell Suggs is my wish.

Terrell, what's up, baby?

Terrific Lady Day... A Terrific Lady Day?

Terrific Lady Night.

Thank you for my grown up weekend.

Thank you for this. I actually do appreciate it.

Thank you, Mr. Attorney. I appreciate it.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you. I really appreciate that.

Thank you. Rodney? Ruxin.

Thank you. Thank you very much.

Thanks a lot.

Thanks for being emotionally above board and awesome, Ted.

Thanks, babe. I can come with you though.

That blows my mind.

That canotary at work froze me out. I'm under a time crunch.

That car drives like garbage, am I right?

That defense, so that's not happening.

That guy in the park... was he the Bear ticket guy?

That is incidental contact.

That is my wife and my son.

That is not hot at all.

That is right, I am an official marathoner of Chicago.

That is so sweet.

That might be racist.

That one came in a set.

That really was a great free agent pickup.

That totally worked.

That triggers a gag reflex in me.

That was a long time ago, so... I remember, in high school,

That was all you, not for Colin?

That was all you, not for Colin?

That was amazing.

That was amazing.

That was incidental contact.

That was just getting fun.

That was just something that I... Totally fine with it.

That was unnecessary roughness, or at the very least, interference.

That was... Oh, boy...

That wasn't a girl.

That, little bit of that.

That's 'cause the hare got cocky and was dehydrated.

That's a bad idea.

That's a hard fall.

That's a lot of books.

That's actually 'cause this is wicked oil moisture bouncing off me, it's going out.

That's an unbelievable trade off.

That's creative.

That's fear based. That is a fear boner.

That's fine, you can just use Andre's.

That's made up Japanese for, "I'm gonna go get high right now."

That's me.

That's Molly.

That's my drink.

That's my naginata.

That's not your hand, Ruxin.

That's not... That's not even... It's not something for us to think about.

That's part of it. You're being selfishly selfless.

That's probably, like, not the greatest...

That's so great.

That's so thoughtful of you.

That's that, what happens between our sheets.

That's the girl.

That's the issue.

That's the worst case scenario.

That's true, actually.

That's what all the Japanese girls do

That's what I'm.... Uh, please, don't go.

That's what this whole thing is.

That's where they live.

That's why I'll be going to the Gastro Pub down the block.

That's why I'm taking pledges so I can fulfill one of my

That's... look at that.

The attorney general.

The exercise will do you good.

The hare ends up losing

The Hutus and the Tutsis.

The love between Ruxin and Sofia reminds me of my

The marathon.

The marathon.

The marathon.

The medicine cabinet.

The message boards are founded on the great principle of personal attacks.

The monkey freaks out.

The night's spoken for.

The oil company people.

The one thing you can't fix.

The only thing worse than running a marathon is running

The park is closed after dark.

The part of town that he lived in.

The perfect quad fecta

The preceding message was paid for by friends of Ruxin's asshole.

The redhead?

The sauna suit.

The sex?

The surprise is kind of ruined. Maybe we should just not do it at all.

The things that men in society do not talk about, unless they kill each other

The top of your original wedding cake.

The unblinking eye of Sauron has Grima Wormtongue in his sights.

The what?

The what?

The what?

The word is "notary."

The worst thing that's ever happened to us.

The wrath of my blade.

Then don't do it. Don't give her any money.

Then I walked some!

Then the rest of the year, they just sort of fart out Katherine Heigl dreck.

There goes the Hulk

There he goes.

There is a precedent for it.

There is absolutely no love in the league.

There they go.

There you are!

There you are.

There you are.

There you go.

There you go. I heart you.

There you go. What, no beer?

There, I won!

There's more.

There's no friendliness.

There's no girls around.

There's no love in the league.

There's no problem. I just... (Kevin laughs)

There's this guy who had these tickets and he didn't want them and... This guy?

There's this. There's that.

Therefore, you lost the bet.

These guys are in a fantasy league.

These week two match ups are killing me.

These were private videos.

They also concern you.

They are coming out tonight.

They didn't have a problem getting Ellie over to ***?

They make things simple.

They put their face on a cream

They still after us?

They went to the tape.

They were Grandma's.

They're in a fantasy football league together.

They're making a mint.

They're not going to make it.

They're sending me to a hospital that helps

They're talking about a head coach who's black.

They've put their face on an ointment.

Thing on his arm and he was... Wait, wait.

Thing you've got going on, Rodney.

Think I can do that, even with a glove.

This all started when you pulled my goddamn post.

This doesn't count.

This game's pretty much done.

This guy, no, he's so romantic.

This idiot told your brolo that some drunk dude at a party was

This is a little Asian boy who wanted to own a powerboat.

This is a piece of paper with a stamp on it. I have an official race ***.

This is all great.

This is brilliant. Mm hmm.

This is cashmere, you tiny little monster.

This is exciting.

This is futile, guys.

This is impressive.

This is like watching the Nature Channel.

This is my last job, you know.

This is my wife, Jenny.

This is not intimacy, okay?

This is one of the unmentionables.

This is our 9 11.

This is outside the bathroom.

This is pointless.

This is pretty depressing stuff.

This is so great, you guys:

This is the same dress that I wore at my rehearsal dinner the

This is too good to be true.

This is what it is.

This is what you do.

This is what you signed on for.

This little guy doesn't know which wish is which, because his

This little guy doesn't know which wish is which, because his

This night's too important.

This party is awesome. What is this?

This race is no longer official.

This situation in the first place.

This week I'm gonna take you down!

This women's basketball game, this is, like, the Heartbreak

This wouldn't have anything to do with me refusing to donate

This? It's for the marathon.

This... this is what we've been reduced to without our commissioner.

Those guys that are on that show Doctors... Love it.

Those little Microdongs are very feisty.

Those things are high pressure situations.

Three seconds.

Tie a stick to it to get it in now.

Time for hobbies like that. Alright.

Time out of your life for being here.

To *** a player for me.

To a party and they are trying to put together a posse.

To celebrate, we're gonna have a big old party, Diddy style, you know?

To let it rip, and he wants to go home at 8:15?

To round up my whole family and stick us in a basement and put

To Team Twyla, would it?

To the bathroom real quick. I'm not waiting for this bathroom.

To the bathroom real quick. I'm not waiting for this bathroom.

To the left.

To this day, we do not discuss it.

To throw an anniversary party for my wife...

To use his power as a commissioner

To your dreams?

To... the McArthur's Crotchnubs.

Together... Together.

Tony Dungy

Tortoise. Hare.

Tortoise. Hare.

Total.

Totally cool with it.

Training, but the whole secret of marathon running is keeping

True that.

Turf toe?

Turf Tow? I'd like to see him run a mile in my shoes.

Two blocks around that corner right there?

Two forms, Rodney!

Two valid forms of I.D.

Two, three, four.

Twyla, we've been working in an office together for five years, so...

Twyla!

Twyla! Got some stuff I need notarized from BP v. Minority Fishermen.

Twyla.

Ugh, Andre, you smell like eighth grade kids who haven't

Ugh!

Ugh!

Ugh! There is this asshole in my office who is just like Andre.

Ugh.

Ugly penis.

Uh oh.

Uh uh.

Uh uh. I need to see some proper form of identification.

Uh, anyone want to go see a movie tonight? Pete?

Uh, basically a success.

Uh, I got some... Oh, let me ke... Here, get a little bit of

Uh, I kind of want to get up and see Colin.

Uh, I need to go to the bathroom. Uh, can someone watch my iPad?

Uh, I think you got that backwards.

Uh, I want to talk about a couple of things that concern me personally.

Uh, if they're talking about a Latino player in baseball, like

Uh, it's for headaches.

Uh, no, Taco.

Uh, oh, uh, guys?

Uh, thank you. I'm sorry.

Uh, that's your third beer, Taco.

Uh, what you got here?

Uh, when you guys were running, which one of you ran faster?

Uh, yeah, I did. Look.

Uh, yeah, I did. Look.

Uh, yeah.

Uh...

Uh... (sighs) He's such a courageous little guy, and you've been so amazing with him.

Uh... Did you just say "books"?

Uh... nah, nah, not like that.

Um, I got to race to the office.

Um, I think I'm gonna field this one, all right, honcho?

Um, I want to meet a pro football player.

Um, it's like two blocks around the corner over there to the left.

Um, just so you know, in your inbox, there is a corrected

Um, so here's the deal.

Um, well, nice to see you again.

Um, yeah, that would be amazing.

Um... shit.

Um... uh, yeah, sure.

Um... yeah, I'm gonna write that down. I'm gonna send a care package to him.

Under here, by the way.

Union is strong. We even made a pact.

Uno's and we told Andre it was Anquan Boldin?

Up, next minute, you try to hack I... It's a horror movie with Don

Urbane $17 martinis.

Urinal cake!

Usually on my side with a pillow between my legs.

Usually, my reflexes are terrible.

Version of your motion for The State v. Kinley.

Very cunning that Taco.

Very simple.

Very well done.

Visualizing what your PC may or may not look like, okay?

Voila.

Wait a second, doesn't Jenny have Frank Gore?

Wait, oh!

Wait, so you're not... you're not gay.

Wait, wait, wait, hang on.

Walk it off.

Want to thank all of you for being here tonight... for taking

Was brushing my teeth.

Was I ever not?

Was she a gym rat or a spark plug?

Was that the glass that was sitting right next to the sink?

Watch my form. See, I don't break my wrist.

Watch, boys.

We are filthy.

We are horrible. Get out. Go.

We are now The League, plus one short douchebag named Ruxin.

We call him El Cunado.

We can't let that happen to us.

We could go to, like, your office, or I could meet you at a

We didn't even st... this is week one of the fantasy football league.

We do.

We don't want to hear about it.

We don't want to turn into the Hutus and the Tutsis.

We got a deal?

We gotta get Kevin back.

We have a little gift for you.

We have a tie, we need to fix it

We have a tradition in the league.

We have an amazing night planned.

We have been looking everywhere for the two of you.

We have no commissioner.

We have to make an accord with each other that fantasy

We just want to welcome you all

We love him.

We made an agreement.

We need shots. Yeah, top shelf.

We shared a room till we were 18.

We should go upstairs to our hotel room.

We should just eat the... Oh, no!

We watched the other tape, and guess who we saw

We went to the tape.

We were fleeing.

We will culminate with me entering my wife.

We'll get through this together.

We'll last forever.

We'll last forever.

We'll sit this one out.

We're going to have to try phase two.

We're gonna get a hotel, we're gonna go out to dinner.

We're gonna have it for desert.

We're gonna have some shots. It's your birthday

We're gonna merge practices.

We're like a frittata of Lord of the Flies, man.

We're not coveting Billy Joel cassette tapes or wearing ill fitting blue jeans.

We're not going to get separated.

We're not gonna let this ruin our grown up weekend, babe...

We're on the run from gays.

We're playing each other this week. What are you doing here?

We're playing this week.

We're treading on dangerous ground here.

We're up for the same case, it's a big thing, and, uh, she's

We're watching Jumanji.

We've been saving that cake for five years. Get it out of the bathroom.

Week one.

Weight Training for Dummies says, safety first.

Weight Training for Dummies?

Well done, guys.

Well done!

Well let me tell you. I was stuck in traffic,

Well, come on over. Happy, happy, happy

Well, he's a defensive player, and I don't even have

Well, here's what I'm thinking.

Well, I also love the country's best yogurt, but I

Well, I mean, there can only be one winner, as you taught me.

Well, I think Team Twila is gonna get a little donation.

Well, I think that's an assumption.

Well, I walked as much as I could and then I ran a bit and

Well, I will be... like 30 minutes before we're going to

Well, I'm changing my name to the "Andre Cried While Watching Jumanjis

Well, I'm gay, and gays like you give the rest of us a bad name.

Well, I'm more hydrated than you.

Well, let's leave him with his thoughts, gentlemen

Well, me, too.

Well, no, we take turns as designated drivers, so since

Well, really? If I'm so sad, then how do I know that Cedric Benson?

Well, someone will finally have sex in that car.

Well, that's what you get when you live your life on the net.

Well, then, help me out with this decision, then.

Well, there are no games on Saturday in the NFL, that are

Well, uh, then, let's, uh... let's do this, okay? Mm hmm.

Wes Welker is, like, a gym rat, a real scrappy player.

Wh What?

What a class act.

What a night! (chuckles)

What about a big donation?

What about you?

What am I doing? I'm training for the marathon.

What are charity terrorists?

What are we doing this weekend? Wait a minute.

What are we talking about, boxes, field pass, all access?

What are we talking about?

What are you doing here?

What are you doing?

What are you drinking?

What are you gonna go upstairs for?

What are you looking at?

What are you talking about, hand jobs?

What are you talking about?

What are you talking about?

What are you up here?

What are you, in second grade?

What could it be?

What did you call her?

What did you do?

What do Andre and *** have in common?

What do I do?

What do you mean, she's weird? No

What do you want?

What do you...? Jenny! JENNY: What?

What does "origano" (oregano) heal?

What does it look like I'm doing?

What does that box actually do?

What does that mean?

What exactly can I do to make that happen?

What feels good is when Frank Gore is gonna score three TDs on you you on Sunday?

What happened to Terrific Lady Day?

What happened to the, uh, what happened to the wrist there?

What happened?

What happens when you guys are at a party and you're ready

What happens when... He's wild.

What I felt tonight... Was "insert adjective here."

What I love about you is that you can open up doors.

What I want to know is why these corporate documents are

What is cryptography?

What is El Notario?

What is he doing here?

What is it like? Amazing.

What is it this time?

What is it with Catholicism?

What is it?

What is she talking about? It was beautiful

What is that in your pants?!

What is that?

What is that?

What is that?!

What is this little..

What is this?

What is this?

What lap are you on?

What the (bleep) is going on?

What the heck are y'all doing in there?

What the hell is going on over here?

What the hell's he doing calling her?

What the hell's this?

What was her nickname in high school? She was in your class, right, Taco?

What would be your first course of action?

What you got going on back there?

What, you want him gone, you want him back.

What, you want me to tell you?

What?

What?

What?

What?

What?

What?

What?

What?

What?

What?

What?

What?

What?

What?

What?

What? I'm sorry.

What? It's a short sleeved plaid shirt. I've worn it before.

What? Money is not an issue

What? No breakfast?

What? No. I... I had allergies.

What? That explains all the tech gear.

What? What do you want?

What?!

What?!

What...?

What's a notary?

What's BP?

What's going on?

What's it gonna be, guys?

What's next, baby, what's next?

What's next?

What's that?

What's the case?

What's the deal with the outfit?

What's the name of the dude you're chasing?

What's the problem?

What's up, man?

What's up, my boys?

What's up?

What's your problem?

When did you become such a fan of El Cunado?

When do you ever see an ice cream truck anymore?

When I decided

When I dropped off Ellie, my mom just handed them over to me.

When these women come into my practice, some of them are

When we were dating, all you wanted to hear was sex details about Sofia.

When you need somebody to drive, I do it.

When you were fleeing, which one of you fled faster?

When you're like, with Ted,

Where does he find those people?

Where is my drink, sweetheart? I don't know, but this is my third.

Where is Percy now?

Where?

Where? Honey?!

Where's Fourth Street at?

Where's the fire?

Which I think everyone at this table's done, Andre.

White knuckle him. Get in here! Come on!

Who are those people?

Who is this?

Who needs cars when you're the flash?

Who's gay or who's not gay, Mr.

Whoa ho, look at this!

Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa!

Whoa, that's really strong.

Whoa, what are you doing?

Whoa, whoa, washing your hands is healthy?

Whoa, whoa!

Whoa!

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Put the gun down

Whoa.

Whoever catches this piece of popcorn in their mouths first,

Whole Fear Boner thing.

Whoo! Door from rush. It is real.

Whoo! Ha ha ha!

Whoo.

Why am I watching my wife in lingerie?

Why are you eating an ice cream sandwich, Pete?

Why are you filming us?

Why couldn't I just marry a nice ******* girl... Andrea

Why don't we put the dream locker in the dump locker?

Why don't you come in?

Why is he offering me Forte?

Why is that so rare... that a guy would just be a nice, normal guy

Why is the baby running the show here?

Why we should have a scavenger hunt.

Why won't it let me change the team name?

Why would I keep Yellow Pages?

Why would you be offended?

Why would you do it, why would you video it, and then

Why would you do that?

Why would you keep a stack of "How I'm a Dummy" books

Why would you tell me where the videos are?

Why?

Why?

Why?

Why... Oh, he's getting up, folks.

Will you change it back??

With a plus one to a party.

With Jenny, so you really have to show some sort of effort.

With niginatas like this!

Worked out.

Worth of Hoobastank in it, and I'm coming back to hang with you bros.

Would you like a drink? I'm going to get you a Jack and ginger.

Would you rath...?

Wow, good, uh, firm handshake there.

Wow!

Wow.

Wow.

Y'all both under arrest. Get out of the damn bush.

Y'all is trespassing and, from the looks of it, fornicating.

Yay.

Yeah

Yeah, ***.

Yeah, a little urban housing development.

Yeah, and then I'll win because he's dead, so... High five.

Yeah, and they're playing the Lions at home tomorrow, man.

Yeah, baby.

Yeah, baby.

Yeah, but you usually pick up Ellie

Yeah, but you're married now and we're literally as bored with it as you are.

Yeah, come on. Have a steak.

Yeah, for you, baby, anything. Yeah, anything.

Yeah, he was really mad.

Yeah, he... Oh, that's right.

Yeah, how's that sound?

Yeah, I did. I found it, um...

Yeah, I didn't do the fitting beforehand. I was stupid.

Yeah, I do, in my kitchen.

Yeah, I do.

Yeah, I mean, I'm cool with it, and I'm glad you can bring

Yeah, I'll get her.

Yeah, I'll make you beg for it.

Yeah, in a second, sweetie.

Yeah, in Uncle Frank's suit.

Yeah, it was going to be a big surprise anniversary party.

Yeah, it's for charity. I just wanted to kinda give back.

Yeah, it's gonna be a savaging.

Yeah, it's the best.

Yeah, it's the other guy... the black one.

Yeah, it's unlike me, but you know who it isn't like?

Yeah, just a couple gay guys getting married.

Yeah, just keeping it old school.

Yeah, just to humor them.

Yeah, maybe it's not the stroller's fault, but the people pushing the stroller.

Yeah, O'Connor is my boss, too, Taco.

Yeah, she's Ellie. She's so perfectly formed.

Yeah, so much fun.

Yeah, sounds good. Definitely, yeah.

Yeah, Ted.

Yeah, that's fine.

Yeah, the Kevin's Microdongs are best at coming from behind.

Yeah, there you go. You know what, honey?

Yeah, there... there's Ruxin's penis.

Yeah, this woman is a real bitch.

Yeah, um...

Yeah, we just got back from Nepal.

Yeah, well, I can't take credit for that.

Yeah, well, my wish was for a house on Nantucket and the

Yeah, well, then yesterday you were dealing with Twyla...

Yeah, which is code word for white.

Yeah, whoa.

Yeah, yeah, I like it.

Yeah, yeah, I'm going to his house to grab them tonight.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah. Great.

Yeah, you know Kevin.

Yeah, you know you're in it, too, Taco, right?

Yeah, you should, but you know what you're going to love

Yeah, you should. What the hell..,

Yeah, you want to talk about too much sharing?

Yeah, you're my little... Come on, baby, bring it.

Yeah, you've been a bad girl.

Yeah, you've got Kevin this week, man.

Yeah! (yells and whoops)

Yeah?

Yeah?

Yeah? All right, great.

Yeah? Feel good?

Yeah? That's good.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah. Come on. Let's go talk.

Yeah. Do you want to have a hydrating contest?

Yeah. Gave me the suits when he became handicapped.

Yeah. Hey, you want to go grab some sushi?

Yeah. I get it.

Yeah. I just don't know if I'm supporting Team Twyla this year.

Yeah. I'm gonna be able to say to him, "I know this poor sick kid

Yeah. Oh, you guys heard of it.

Yeah. Taco has organized this whole night just to mess with me

Yeah. This is unlike you.

Yeah. What?

Yeah. You got to make a change.

Yeah... (groans) Oh, God!

Yellow stars on us.

Yep.

Yes, but I was shooting behind the scenes footage with

Yes, but n no one else knows that.

Yes, give me some paprika. Quick.

Yes, he is going to hang.

Yes, I am.

Yes, I did.

Yes, I do!

Yes, I'll have my cake and donation too, thank you very much.

Yes, this is one of our few ties actually.

Yes, Turner's syndrome, XXY.

Yes, we are going to get dressed up, we're going to drink

Yes, what is abnormal about the well dressed guy at a gay

Yes, you do.

Yes!

Yes!

Yes!! Give me a filet rare.

Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

Yes. No, no, no.

Yesterday when you were in my office trolling for money for

Yet you have an opinion about ties and you're not an Italian tie maker.

Yo!

You actually leave, but sounds fun.

You all cool with that?

You all right, Ted?

You always have been. He is very mature.

You are a bureaucrat!

You are gonna get tickets from a stranger, and all you

You are not going to throw up Gramma's earrings in a public toilet.

You are so desperate for shared interests, you basically just

You are so screwed.

You brought my iPad into the bathroom?

You can bring that up before the next season.

You can probably negotiate down to just a hand job.

You cannot.

You couldn't come up with anything better to break a tie, huh?

You couldn't look at me before, you're weird right now.

You couldn't look at me before, you're weird right now.

You cut the doll's head off.

You did a trade during Terrific Lady Night.

You did not run the marathon.

You didn't complain once at the farmer's market, and you held my

You didn't need any I.D

You didn't want to marry me?

You do whatever they want and you got to look interested the whole day.

You don't have a clock, Taco.

You don't have to believe me.

You don't have to do anything for our anniversary, all right, Taco?

You don't know how to drive it.

You don't mind having sex with someone that Kevin has also

You don't need to get it stamped.

You don't need to save me from myself. I can save myself.

You don't seem very friendly.

You don't want her to be happy. No way.

You embarrassed me. Cake.

You evil genius

You forfeited by faking an injury.

You get dumber just by being around him.

You get the first bite.

You give me those tickets!

You going out with Brooke again?

You gonna talk dirty to me?

You good?

You got a fear boner.

You got any advice as to what I should do?

You got scared and you just burst forth.

You got to keep it spontaneous,

You got to watch my form!

You gotta volter her backup.

You guys are a hot mess.

You guys are assholes.

You guys are class acts.

You guys are going to love her.

You guys are making his dream come true.

You guys can deal with all the problems yourself.

You guys have all like gutter bowels, alright?

You guys know where Andre is?

You guys need a drink?

You guys ready for week one?

You guys, he's the new guy.

You had second thoughts about our marriage?

You have been keeping busy, I see

You have not seen anything yet. It's fun.

You have the Baltimore dee.

You have to come back.

You haven't seen him in, like... It was almost ten years ago,

You hear that?

You hear that?

You here to rattle my cage?

You invited him here?

You just do that

You just drank Grammy's earrings.

You just kind of seem desperate.

You just want her not to sit around 24 7 hating you

You just... you razz him a little, but you take advantage

You know that O'Connor fund raiser I have downtown this weekend?

You know that, right?

You know we hate him, right?

You know what I mean?

You know what is not an option?

You know what that is.

You know what, guys?

You know what, I forgot to call you about those Bear tickets.

You know what, just... can we just stop... Ruxin!

You know what, why don't you come on by tonight to my place,

You know what?

You know what?

You know what?

You know what?

You know what? I accept it. It's better than a goddamn tie.

You know what? Shut up. You've been up all night?

You know who else did RSVP? Who?

You know who I picked up and who I started?

You know why?

You know, babe, I wouldn't even worry about the whole Taco and Lily thing.

You know, I can't tell if that's more dated or more

You know, I don't mean to get in your head, but, uh, I trained for a marathon.

You know, I know we talked about beer, but then I remembered I

You know, like like, one of my best friends, Percy.

You know, like like, one of my best friends, Percy.

You know, the rest of the year I coast by.

You know, we should spend a little more time hanging out,

You know, what Halliburton does for weapons, I want to do

You know, within 48 seconds, he sucked all the fun out of the room.

You know, your life on the net is even sadder than your life on Earth?

You leave that in the cubby.

You like football, Ted?

You look absolutely scrumptious

You look at me.

You look beautiful.

You look gorgeous. Nice to meet you.

You look great, Dr. Huxtable. What?

You look like gay Iron Man.

You look really great.

You look sexy

You look well, like an angel.

You love it when I put it there.

You made a trade on Terrific Lady Day?

You made it wrong. I'll make it right.

You may recognize me as the number one vintner of Three Penis wine

You mean fútbol?

You mean, the kid's wish come true, Ruxin.

You might not know this, because I haven't seen you

You need to be reprimanded?

You need to find that little thing that says... I got to put in some effort.

You picked up Matt Forte?

You play?

You play? Wow.

You ready to accept it?

You ready to find out what's going on?

You ready to get into it?

You realize that?

You ruined my jeans.

You seem desperate.

You seriously gonna sit here and not eat a goddamn thing?

You should check it out on Blu ray.

You should come with us, and you know why?

You should get us another round.

You should see me sprint.

You should try it. You should try it.

You so confident you gonna run, let's put some money on it.

You son of a bitch.

You stay right there.

You stick your sandwich in there, come back out, everything's clean.

You still want 'em?

You take care of it, honey, thanks.

You think I should kill him?

You two are his boys... get him some help, all right?

You used to call him, like, a homeless, ethnic Santa Claus.

You used to rip on him constantly, and then all of a

You want a nose job? Bam!

You want to play games?

You watch The Wire?

You were a worthy opponent, little one, but no one survives

You were like the Hulk.

You were only supposed to stamp the paper!

You were really good today.

You were the one who said that wasn't even a real thing.

You will... What, this is not blood diamonds, sweetheart.

You won that race fair and square.

You, by the way, are the great leader of all the best personal

You, too, man

You, too.

You, with the shrinking girl thing, and you with the escaping mental patient.

You... are gonna lose this bet.

You'd get out of here if you knew what was good for you

You'd spend the night?

You'd spend the night... Yeah, yeah.

You'll be fine.

You'll be the coolest guy in your hood.

You'll never see me again.

You're a dick.

You're a lawyer, Kevin.

You're being put away for years.

You're clearly thinking about his penis

You're doing the Lord's work, buddy.

You're driving, right?

You're fine.

You're from Baltimore, huh?

You're getting so emotional, honey.

You're going head to head with her in the league this week...

You're going through some shit, huh?

You're gonna have to come back when you have some current identification.

You're gonna meet Josh Cribbs?

You're gonna tell me that's not bothering you?

You're kind of freaking the kid out a little bit here.

You're making a big deal out of this thing.

You're new to the league... You are going to be the

You're not a fan of diversity, or...?

You're not answering your phone tonight, not checking text messages?

You're not getting your seven dollars.

You're not going... I'm fine.

You're not really a doctor

You're not training.

You're not weird about Ted and... Ted? No. Ted?

You're not... I mean... I am not thinking about Kevin's penis.

You're one of these healers, aren't you?

You're playing terribly.

You're pressing all the buttons.

You're sick.

You're still making a young man's dream come true.

You're still making a young man's dream come true.

You're the best.

You're trying to make it sound dirty.

You're under arrest for being too sexy.

You're welcome.

You're welcome.

You're you're barely a doctor.

You've been doing it for a week.

You've been up all night?

You've been working out. I can tell

You've chosen the marathon as your next triumph in a long line

You've se Kevin and he's cool with the whole... us?

Your brother stole my car.

Your estampa? What are you talking about, Taco?

Your Friends for Dummies?

Your little walkabout!

Your random plus one just tweeted about my anniversary.

Your toe?

Your vows are the easy part.

Yourself limber and flexible at all times.

Yup, and somebody was smart enough to pick up Frank Gore's backup.

Yup.

Yup.

7$. I only take singles. You in or out?

20. Oh, get the stick.

30.

33.

60 year old finely tuned machine.

70.

103 years old, male.

400 meters around this loop.

Ah. Good throw, good throw. Thanks.

All right? Really?

Alright, let's do this. Great.

Alright! Oh, my God, what is that smell?

Are you mad about the whole Vegas thing? No.

Are you telling us? Please. Come on, Pete.

Are you? Really? Yeah, yeah.

Aye. Hy, real quick.

But you're a cop. Yeah, but he's got a mustache

Did you get it notarized? Hmm.

Do me, do me, do me. Okay, here you go, buddy.

Dude, put the gun away, Taco. Put it away. Fine, fine.

Ew. He's not gonna be that much fun. Ruxin.

For the what? The marathon.

get a wider kind of, you know, patient base and... Diversify.

Good one. How does that, how does that work?

Good to see you, man. You find it all right?

Good to see you. Come on in. Oh, hey, all right.

Guys, this isn't a good idea. I'll create a distraction.

He can hang. Oh, he can hang?

Hey, hey, what are you doing? Hey.

Hey! How you doing, buddy?

Hey. Hey.

Hey. Nothing.

Hey. Oh, I see that you ran the marathon

Hey. How are you? I'm great, do you want to talk?

Holy... El Cunado.

How did you know to pick up Andy Dixon? I'm good.

I can do it. You see, we have no options.

I don't wanna do it. I don't wanna do it.

I have a pretty cock. Don't say that, okay?

I huess I am. Mm hmm

I know some Jamaican hobos. They're not gay. Really?

I know. All right, let's go.

I mean it's done. They're running off the clock.

I think I'm addicted to it. You're addicted to SPUNK?

I win. Yay!

I'm here to celebrate your fifth anniversary. Yes.

Interference! It's a little contact! Guys, shut up.

It is a joke. I know what you mean.

It is official. It's a fine number, but this, my friend,

It's for my vlog. Blog.

It's like a date night. Yeah.

It's over. Great.

It's total bullshit. No, it's not.

kind of great. Good.

Matchups against me. Yeah.

Mm, maybe you should give her a call sometime. Oh, okay.

Next week, I am going to crush Andre. Andre? Ooh.

No I haven't been... We've been up all night too.

No way. You pushed me, okay? What?

No, you're not. Oh, yes, I am, yeah.

No! Yes!

No. No, you're not gay, okay.

None. Ruxin can't.

Notarized. Wow.

Oh please, will you not... 26.2...

Oh, really? Why do you ask?

Oh, that's great. Yeah, good for you, guys.

Oh, yeah? Yeah.

Oh, you're the canotary? No!!

Okay. Alright.

Ooh. You're going to have, like, a caterer, a really expensive one.

Payback for the placenta, right. Placenta is beautiful.

Play "Pete's Tiny Erect Dick." Oh, come on!

Right? Yes. Cool. So, hold on, hold on.

Rodney? Yeah. People call me Ruxin.

She told you about my pretty cock. No.

So you did eat it! And it was good.

Step into my office. It's by the bathroom?

Thank you. You wanna drink or something?

That is so sweet. I'm actually running the marathon as well.

That was so fun, wasn't it? It really was.

That's funny. Oh my God. You got an erection.

The fear boner. And that's why we never talked about it.

The what? The what?

There are little kids. It's ok, look, no one's around.

Think of me as your university of Phoenix. You know what?

Three, two, one. We're not participating.

To the Bears. To the Bears!

Uh Uh. My mariachi and my estampa.

Uh, hey, Colin, uh, you want to play catch? Sure.

Use some ** for lube. Thank you.

Very mature. You wanna do this? Thank you.

We need a tie breaker. I agree. Ties are not acceptable in fantasy football.

We need a tie breaker. Oh really? Okay.

We... tied. We tied.

What? I'll give you my certificate.

What? It's not even valid in the US.

What? The times, they are changing.

What? Yeah.

What?! I have to. We made an agreement.

What?! True story.

Which tie? Left.

Who? Third stringer Anthony Dixon.

wins... No. We're not participating.

Yeah, but how do I know that you're you? Very well.

Yeah, I don't speak Spanish. So, you ***

Yeah, read your comics, bro. Yeah, nicely done.

Yeah. Oh.

Yeah. Uh...

Yes it is. It's a tie.

Yes. Alright, great.

Yes. Not a horror movie.

You are drunk. I am not drunk.

You can't handle this? 20%.

You should come hang

You, white knuckler, get in here! What?

You're a real class act, Josh Cribbs. I appreciate that, man.

You're gay? I'm gay.

Your commissioner will bail you out. You're commissioner again?

...because Kevin is such a giant pussy, which is why we are in

...Once and for all, we've got to come up with a plan.

...to Andre's white party.

...we are dream makers.

...you didn't mention football once.

'Cause girls do that to me all the time, you know?

'Cause he's in the league.

'Cause I'm running the marathon.

'Cause I'm taking it.

'Cause that's one you should have bought.

'Cause this one actually is pretty practical.

'Cause when she gave you a hand job, she'd squeeze so tight, you

'Cause you guys are Eskimo brothers.

'Cause, you know, I'm driving.

'Kay, everybody calls me Ruxin.

"I just... I need a second.

"Love is a journey.

"Love is a... Hold on, give me a second.

"Nosferatu" campaign you ran on him.

"Okay, Cribbs, I can do that."

"Sometimes I feel like I'm trapped in a game and I don't know the rules."

"The Fear Boners."

"What's that?

"With auburn hair and dark, dark eyes, Hernando rode the

"Yeah, I can do that for you, Ruxin, but only if you go Jet Skiing with me."

"You are all cordially invited."

(all gasping)

(all groaning)

(Andre groaning)

(Andre groaning)

(applause)

(both laugh)

(both laughing)

(both moaning)

(both sigh)

(chanting): It is so cool and awesome. Everybody should have one.

(chanting): Naginata, naginata, love my naginata.

(chanting): Naginata, naginata.

(chanting): Try practicing with a naginata.

(chanting): You're my naginata.

(chomping)

(chuckles)

(chuckles)

(chuckles)

(chuckles): There's a homeless guy in Kevin's house.

(chuckling)

(clicking tongue)

(coughs)

(door opens and closes)

(door opens and closes)

(door slamming)

(glasses clinking)

(groaning): Good night. Good night.

(groans)

(grunting and panting)

(grunting loudly)

(grunting)

(grunts, exhales)

(high pitched voice): It's me, Ruxin's asshole.

(indistinct chatter)

(Kevin groaning)

(Kevin groaning)

(Kevin grunts)

(Kevin vomits, guests gasp)

(laughing)

(laughing): Fear boner.

(laughing): Later, guys.

(laughs)

(laughter)

(man chuckling)

(man grunting)

(man grunting)

(motor revving)

(oinking)

(panting, coughing)

(panting)

(Pete, Ruxin groaning)

(phone rings)

(Raffi groaning)

(retching)

(rhythmic drumming)

(rhythmic drumming)

(sighs)

(singing fanfare)

(singsongy): Rodney.

(smooching)

(sobs): Come on!

(Sofia cheers)

(Sofia chuckles)

(Sofia screams)

(Sofia shrieks)

(Sofia sighs)

(speaking foreign language)

(Taco makes silly sound)

(Taco makes silly sound)

(whispering): By the way, I love the nose job; it's perky, cute,

(whispering): Taco.

(whispers): He's in prison.

(whistles)

(whooping and hollering)

(whooping)

*

***

***

*** my phone or that bedazzled bluetooth you have in your ear.

♪ In due time it will return To its flaccidla state. ♪

♪ Just going ball deep On the league. ♪

♪ Meegan laughed 'cause she couldn't find it couldn't find it

♪ Pete's little tiny erect dick No one knew what to do with it

♫ da da da da da, da da da da da ♫

$2,000.