Bill & Ted's Bogus Journey (1991) Edit

A hit. You have sunk my battleship.

After we're married, will the girls stay with us?

All right, upside down cake!

Also, anyone interested in moonlighting...

Although stuff hasn't worked out how we thought...

An incredible fortune in stones.

And a special treat from the 23rd century:

And another gun.

And how do we achieve it?

And I must see to it that you die.

And I would like to contact Ty Cobb.

And I'm Ted "Theodore" Logan!

And now, gentlemen, I believe the stage belongs to you.

And now, the last band of the evening.

And over here...

And reaping burns a lot of calories.

And Sir James Martin of Faith No More...

And soon...

And that's gonna be us.

And there's not a lot of time. So we were wondering...

And thus a new future is born. A great future.

And we are...

And, by the way, sit up champion of the 27th century.

And, most importantly, they don't hurt the babes.

Anne Boleyn.

Aristotle.

At the Battle of the Bands, we give their speech except totally different.

Aw, just missed!

B...

Bad.

Best three out of five.

Bill...

Bogus!

Bogus.

Book him, Danno.

But first...

But how?

But I think a buzzard was pecking at my head.

But if you lose...

But last. Midnight. By that time, everyone will be gone.

But sooner or later You dance with the Reaper

But we won the chance to come back.

But, Bill, how will we fight those other usses?

But, dude, we're already dead!

But... we will change all that.

C 6.

Can we ask you a question?

Can we go back now?

Catch you later, cop dudes!

Catch you later, future wife.

Check it out.

Check this out.

Choose your own, you fag!

Choose...

Clark Gable.

Come on. There you go.

Come with us. We'll show you.

Cool.

Could you take us to someone who could help us?

D 1.

De Nomolos. My old teacher.

Death to Bill and Ted!

Destroy that ridiculous, insipid band!

Dinner's over, worm dude.

Do not do your homework without wearing headphones...

Do not fail me.

Don't fear the Reaper.

Don't I know you?

Don't overlook my butt. I work out all the time.

Don't patronize me.

Don't tell us. You programmed us.

Don't worry, babes! We'll save you.

Don't worry. We won't let you down.

Down here, dude!

Drive safe!

Dude, we still don't know how to play.

Dude, we're in big trouble.

Dude, we're there.

Dudes, even though you're doing this...

Elizabeth and I have decided we're quitting Wyld Stallyns.

Every rose has a thorn

Every rose has its thorn

Evil Bill S. Preston, Esquire, speaking.

Evil breath!

Excellent!

Excellent!

Excellent!

Excellent!

Excellent!

Except for the two week medieval honeymoon.

Excuse me.

Excuse us, dude.

Excuse us, dude...

Excuse us.

Excuse us.

Excuse us. Martians?

Feel free to split in two parts again and relax.

Fight evil usses. Save the babes.

Fine.

Fire? Cigarettes?

First, congratulations on Earth! It's a most excellent planet.

First, my friend, Bill and I congratulate you...

First, we go back to town and clean up.

For either of you.

Friends, friends, friends. These are automatons.

Gentlemen!

Get down and give me...

Get to work.

Get what you need to make metal usses.

Good job, Death.

Good luck getting in the concert, losers!

Good luck, gentlemen.

Good one!

Good Robot Bill and Ted!

Good. Then he's gone forever.

Got your head, dude.

Granny S. Preston, Esquire.

Guys, do yourself a favor. Prepare a little.

Hard to imagine the world without them, isn't it?

Hello, girls.

Hello, little Ted!

Hello, San Dimas!

Here, kitty, kitty! Here, kitty, kitty!

Hey, Missy. I mean, Mom.

Hey! Can we have some heat back here?

Hi, Oatsie.

Hit.

Hit.

How about...

How could we, Ted?

How did I end up in this situation?

How do we get out of this? There's no time.

How do we know they're really us?

How?

How's it going, Beelzebub?

How's it going, Bill and Ted?

How's it going, dudes?

How's it going, Good Robot Bill?

How's it going, lady humans?

How's it going, worms?

How's it going?

How's it going...

I am De Nomolos.

I am their master.

I believe...

I can't believe I'm doing this.

I can't believe Missy divorced your dad...

I don't believe this guy.

I don't know.

I don't think they believe us.

I don't understand what's come over you two.

I feel the spirits have arrived!

I got a full on robot chubby.

I hate the robot versions of them.

I hate them.

I hear your son's band is playing.

I heard that.

I helped do the shopping. I pushed the cart.

I hope this works.

I kind of like this.

I mean, fellow policemen...

I mean, my son and Bill.

I too can play the time game.

I totally believe you, dude.

I totally possessed my dad.

I want one right on the lips!

I want the whole universe to behold this...

I worked within the system until I could stand it no longer.

I wrote this last night.

I wrote this myself.

I'll be more considerate to myself when I become him.

I'll go back and change that, with the aid of my secret weapons!

I'll tell Missy we're on our way.

I'll try your dad's. Maybe they went to talk to Missy.

I'm Bill S. Preston, Esquire!

I'm cold.

I'm fine.

I'm sure I'll enjoy it.

I'm totally gonna tackle you, dude.

I'm working as hard as I can!

If we were good human usses and we had to fight two evil robot usses...

If we win, I'll totally pay you back your money.

If you do that, once I have vanquished you...

Is it a play or a song or...?

Is Rufus with you?

Is that clear?

It is time.

It worked in The Exorcist. I and III!

It's Colonel Oats!

It's not important. This is:

It's them! They're back from the dead.

It's your mom, dude!

J 7...

Joanna and Elizabeth.

Johann Sebastian Bach.

Just in preparation.

Just in time for your audition.

Just like every cowboy

Just like every night has its dawn

Kate Axelrod for KJM...

Kudos to you, good human usses.

Later, Evil Ted.

Later.

Left hand, red.

Let me try.

Let's bag it.

Let's get out of here.

Let's go get 'em.

Let's go, guys. We'll drive.

Let's go.

Let's go.

Let's hear it for Primus!

Let's hope he doesn't catch up with us.

Like a sandbag.

Look.

Looks like we lost him in the circuits of time, duder.

Maybe we ought to get good.

Maybe we should try one of these doors.

Maybe we should've proposed to them sooner.

Medieval England, Iowa.

Meet today's most non bogus guest speakers.

Melvin.

Melvined.

Metallic buffoons.

Miss Paschelle is the inventor of the...

Miss Ria Paschelle.

Miss.

Most unfairly.

Ms. Wardroe, thanks for the help.

Must be some kind of future guy.

My friends.

My money's on Einstein.

My word!

No longer will our future society...

No longer will we hear this:

No one has ever won.

No way!

No way!

No way!

No way!

No way.

No way.

No way. This was 10 years ago!

No, dudes. We're Wyld Stallyns!

No.

No.

Now all we gotta do is find that scientist.

Now for the rest of our band.

Now what?

Now, what is your mission?

Now!

O evil spirits from Hell...

O great spirits from the netherworld...

Of course, we've always got a spot for you.

Oh, no, that's freshwater.

Okay, dude.

Okay, dudes.

Okay, this is Builders Emporium...

Okay.

Okay. Can we go now?

Okay. I got an idea.

On conga and bongos, proof that you can't tell a book by its cover...

On drums and keyboards...

One minute, duder!

One second.

One! Two!

Only the winners can go back and set things up.

Or a good solid club.

Or had a most excellent adventure through time?

Our backup dancers...

Our first act of business:

Out.

Plus, they already killed us once.

Plus, they started in the 15th century.

Plus, we're gonna totally kill your girlfriends.

Plus, you got an excellently huge Martian butt.

President Chester A. Arthur.

Ready to take on those evil usses and save the babes?

Ready? You're up.

Remember my friend, Colonel Oats from the Alaskan Military School?

Remember, this Friday, Ben Franklin and Aretha Franklin will be here.

Remember...

Replicas only. Furnished with my agenda.

Right foot, green.

Right foot...

Right good! Right good!

Right hand, green.

Rufus!

Saturday is the field trip to Babylonia. And very important:

Savory cruller.

Say hello to Thomas Edison.

See you real soon.

Should be a most resplendent birthday party.

Shut up, Ted!

Shut up, Ted.

Shut up.

Sign of the devil, dude!

Silk comes from the butts of Chinese worms.

Since you work for Pretzels 'N' Cheese, I'll give you a shot.

Sings a sad, sad song

Smokey is the bandit!

So get over here and put out!

So stay tuned and hold tight until we find out...

So where are Joanna and Elizabeth?

So you have something else to celebrate tonight.

So you were Ms. Wardroe all along.

Sorry, Death. You lose. It was Professor Plum.

Sounds good, Station.

Spirits, what have you to say to us?

Splendidly.

Station! What are you doing?

Station.

Station. Meanwhile, let's trash this lame rathole.

Stop wasting time. Proceed with the plan now.

Take it off, baby!

Talk to them.

Ted and his most excellent friend Bill...

Ted, if you're really me, how many fingers am I gonna hold up?

Ted, it's us again.

Ted, we can't go like this.

Ted, we can't. We're dead, dude.

Ted, who do you think it is, dude?

Ted...

Ted...

Tell my body to get over here and get me!

Thanks for reminding me, sergeant. Also, Scott Frank...

Thanks, Dad.

Thanks, dude!

Thanks, God.

That was a fast 16 months of intensive guitar training.

That was Chuck De Nomolos, my old gym teacher.

That was non, non, non... Non heinous!

That's all right. I'll get you.

That's all right. We're used to that.

That's because we wanted to say...

That's Station?

The Battle of the Bands is the biggest event in the area.

The best place to be...

The day after tomorrow, if things work out...

The princesses are in trouble.

The princesses.

Their message is about to reach millions.

Then I guess that's that.

Then we utterly destroy them.

Then we'll get a cage.

Theodore!

There's a Porsche.

There's one, dude!

They turned on "La Bamba" while he was playing his solo.

They will be based on my ideas...

They're not here.

They're totally stronger than us. And way smarter.

They've reached the second crucial turning point in their destiny.

This is a totally deep hole.

This is little Bill.

This is little Ted.

This is most atypical.

This isn't funny.

This isn't working.

This way.

This way.

Three.

Through there.

To help us on the musical side:

Together, we are Wyld Stallyns!

Together, we are Wyld Stallyns!

Tonight after we make De Nomolos' speech...

Two little guys!

Way to go, Dad!

Way to go, Joanna!

We are now transmitting on every channel throughout the world.

We better leave before we ruin it for everybody.

We came to help in your most unfortunate situation.

We can be ready for them too.

We can't raise a family on the money from Pretzels 'N' Cheese.

We can't. We gotta get back to the babes.

We cleaned out Ted's brother's junior high dance.

We could barely afford our own apartment.

We definitely...

We do. After we get away from this guy...

We don't understand it either.

We get to kill them again.

We got into the Battle of the Bands.

We gotta construct something to save the women we love.

We gotta do something.

We gotta stop these evil "usses." We gotta try.

We have to find someone who will.

We lied. Here's the truth, we're gonna kill you now.

We love you.

We love you.

We may have met our match.

We set up the key, and we set up the gun.

We were thinking along the lines...

We will stop them now!

We're even live on Channel 12. If you were me, would you put you guys on?

We're going to the desert to be alone. It's over. Goodbye.

We're in Heaven, and we just mugged three people.

We're out of dishes.

We're rocking at the Battle of the Bands.

We're talking about a $25,000 first prize...

We're total metal heads!

We've been all around the afterlife.

We've been through this before.

We've been to the future.

Welcome to Heaven.

Welcome to Heaven.

Welcome to Hell.

Well, uh, I guess...

Well?

What do you mean?

What do you say we trash their relationships?

What happened?

What I mean to say is, I realize when we took you out of England...

What this is about is...

What?

What's next?

Whatever. You got a lot to learn about sportsmanship.

When did you get here?

When our mission is successful...

Where are the girls?

Where's Death?

Who are you?

Who are you?

Who could that be?

Who is that?

Who's that?

Who's that?

Who's that?

Why don't you try something?

Without the intervention of our future selves...

Work on your act. Think of something.

Would anyone else have let you in this contest?

Wyld Stallyns!

Yeah, and we're gonna do it again!

Yeah, like what?

Yeah, our girlfriends are most chaste.

Yeah, see you.

Yeah.

Yeah. You're a just and noble creator.

Yes way.

Yes, sir, sir dude!

Yet I'd trade them all for a hand phaser.

You are go, Stallyn!

You can forget about us playing tonight.

You dick, Bill!

You do.

You got it, dude!

You guys okay?

You have beaten me. I am at your command.

You have to arrest these robots so they don't ruin everything for us.

You know, you got a bad rap, but you're actually an okay dude!

You look great, dude.

You made us, dude.

You may challenge me to a contest.

You may go.

You might be a king Or a little street sweeper

You must play me again.

You okay, dude?

You petty, base, bully, bullock, bugger billies.

You probably noticed we haven't given you our gifts yet.

You see, we used to be puss weeds, but now we're metal.

You stole Deacon's Easter basket.

You tell me you're the greatest band, but you stink.

You totally didn't see the fan.

You totally killed us, you evil metal dickweeds!

You two...

You'll move downtown so DeLoach can take her maternity leave.

You're losers and we don't want to see you again.

You're right!

You're right! Move over, dude.

You're under arrest.

Aim for the cat, dude! I'm trying, Evil Ted! I'm trying!

Are they ready? Station.

At least they're not dating our dads. Good point, dude.

Back me up, dude. You got it, dude.

But this time we're ready for you! Yeah!

Bye! Bye!

Catch you later, Bill and Ted! Catch you later, Bill and Ted!

Clouds, clouds. Smoke?

Death! Sorry.

Do they work like we asked? Station.

Doughnuts! Excellent!

Dude, we gotta ditch this guy. Definitely.

Dude, we gotta win. Then we could propose to the ladies.

Dude. What?

Dude. What?

Dude... I know.

Elizabeth! Theodore!

Excuse me, Death? Oh, now what?

Hanging from the rafters. We'll kill them at the finale.

Has this sÈance stuff ever worked? No.

He's totally a robot! So are you!

Hell sucks! Definitely!

Hello? This is Joanna.

Hey, Evil Ted. What?

How's it going, Bill? Not bad, Bill. And you?

I can't possibly do infinity pushups! Pitiful little morons.

I got a weird feeling here. Why?

I got really hungry being dead. Yeah!

I thought you were... Dead?

I totally fooled them. Yeah, they're completely brilliant.

I'm Bill S. Preston. I'm Ted "Theodore" Logan.

Joanna! William!

Let's start phase two. Station.

Maybe she'll marry you. Then you'll be your own stepdad.

Maybe we can do girls' style. Jokers!

Nine words. Good, Mr. Franklin.

No way! Yes way, Ted.

No way. What?!

No way. Yes way.

Not bad! Can we do it again?

Not bad. Yeah, let's make it bad.

Ready for the big night? No! We're not going.

Ready, Bill? Ready, Ted.

Shall we, ladies? Great, sure.

So, how do we do this? I don't know.

Station! Station!

Ted, we have got to stop them. Yeah. But how?

Ted. What?

Ted. What?

Thank you. You're welcome.

That other me is a dick. Yeah.

The girls can play. But you guys? Girls mature faster than guys.

There's only one way out! Right. We gotta play the Reaper!

They're from medieval England. Ted, shut up.

Touchdown for Evil Ted! We're total headbangers.

We enjoy it on a daily basis. Not to mention your other planets.

We gotta get out of here. I'll eat you up like butter cakes.

We're alive. Yeah.

We're fully, full on evil robots. Yeah!

We're programmed to do it. And we want to do it too.

What about me? I made the wigs. Okay, Death.

What are we gonna do? We gotta find them.

What is the engine? Discipline!

What is the fuel? Fear!

What is the ideal? Order!

What kind of name is Station? I don't know.

What?! Best two out of three.

What's he doing? I don't know.

What's she doing? I don't know, but it's not good.

Where are we? I don't know.

Where are we? I don't know.

Will you...? Marry us?

Yes, dude, sir! What?!

Yes, sir, dude! What?!

Yes! Why?

You no nosed salamanders! Deac's Easter basket!

You played very well. Especially with your heavy robes.

You wanna play 20 Questions? Okay. I got one.

You wanna take the van? No, it's beat.

You're metal, dude! I know. Check it out.

Your dad looks bad. I know.

... of these two fools!

... reporting live from the San Dimas Auditorium.

... transfer of power.

... who will be your winner.

...3.

...a repository for electronics and robot materials.

...a two year record deal and exposure to people in the business.

...and his friend Bill Preston, Esquire...

...and married mine.

...and my ideas alone!

...as the most brilliant scientists in the universe.

...but your shoes are untied.

...by the legacy of these two fools!

...Col. Mustard did it in the study with the candlestick.

...could you help us find somebody to help us?

...Esquire!

...eternity.

...from now on.

...have been murdered and replaced by evil robots from the future.

...I'll go back and set up this key.

...in the universe would be from Earth?

...infinity.

...is here.

...is now.

...it will, we hope.

...it's not too late for you, Ted.

...let's rock!

...let's waste them.

...my son, Ted "Theodore" Logan...

...New Age dudes?

...no longer will the world be dominated...

...please say hello to Death himself...

...soon the system will never have existed.

...Station!

...Station's most bodacious creations...

...take you back.

...the Doc of Shocks, the Man With No Tan...

...the dude who can make one word mean anything...

...the Grim Reaper!

...the princesses from medieval England.

...this will be the new history.

...to save two princesses from bad robot usses?

...we said the future held some really good stuff.

...we time travel back and set up the things we need to get him now.

...we, we...

...we're dead, dude.

...we're stepping up security for the Battle of the Bands.

...we've been to the past.

...were killed!

...what happened?

...what would we do? Make good robot usses?

...will do whatever I tell you to do...

...with your life lessons.

...would we have passed history? Or met the babes?

...you will remain here in the afterlife...

...your...

"...bears, vipers, squirrels..."

"...surrounded by various beasts..."

"Elizabeth..."

"Not to mention barnacles and algae..."