Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure Edit

A most bodacious soldier and general...

A time when much of the world...

Abraham Lincoln.

After the report, we'll time travel back to two days ago...

Against the wall, everybody, please. Single file.

Alaska.

Alaska.

Alaska.

All behold!

All right, amigos...

All right, come on, grandpa.

All right, everybody, watch your step getting off.

All right, let's go, ladies!

All right, sit down.

All right, time for me to go.

All right!

Alone, please, Bill.

Amigos, time to depart.

And all this by the time she was 17.

And hence, his aggression transference onto Ted.

And hurry, because you don't have much time.

And I am destined to end up at Oates Military Academy.

And I am the Duke of Ted.

And I bring to you a message of love.

And I'm sure I speak for Mr. Ward and Mrs. Rowe...

And I'm Ted... Hold on. Bill, here, you take it.

And I'm telling you, it's great here.

And like Ozzy Osbourne, was repeatedly accused of corruption of the young.

And look at us. Nothing's different.

And Maxine of Arc, Missy.

And now, for our last speaker.

And now, opening for Iron Maiden, Wyld Stallyns!

And since he doesn't speak English...

And something called credit cards.

And Ted "Theodore" Logan.

And that is why we need a triumphant video.

And the totally excellent music.

And then she turned this dude, Dauphin, into a king.

And then we will never start our band.

And watch So crates.

And we have more excellent waterslides...

And we're Wyld Stallyns!

And what have you learned?

And what is this message you speak of?

And...

And...

And...

Are you a cheatin' us, Kid?

As you can see, Genghis very much enjoys Twinkies...

Attends!

Attends!

Attends.

Austria, 1805.

Bad.

Be excellent to each other.

Be excellent to each other.

Be excellent to each other.

Beat you, I will, yes!

Because in San Dimas it is tomorrow, William.

Beeth Oven, make sure you don't get sucked under.

Beethoven's favorite works include Mozart's Requiem...

Before you say anything, my distinguished colleague, Ted, and I...

Behold.

Besides, we told ourselves to listen to this guy.

Best watched using Open Subtitles MKV Player

Bigger...

Bill S. Preston, Esquire.

Bill, check it out!

Bill, I think I got an idea what's wrong.

Bill, I'm not taking you anywhere until you do your chores.

Bill, I'm waiting.

Bill, Ted, this is really quite simple.

Billy, guard the booth.

Billy, you are dealing with the oddity of time travel...

Bob Genghis Khan.

Bogus!

Bogus.

Bogus.

Bowling averages are way up. Mini golf scores are way down.

Brace yourselves, amigos.

Buddy, you're holding up the line!

But how?

But I do know we're in serious trouble. Listen to this:

But it did happen! It was me who stole my dad's keys!

But once again, I want to thank you all for your very hard work.

But where are we, Rufus?

But, Bill...

By the way, I found your keys.

Can we get your dad's keys?

Can you give us a ride someplace?

Candygram!

Capt. Logan, this is Dep. Van Halen down at the station.

Catch you later, Bill and Ted!

Catch you later, Bill and Ted.

Catch you later, evil dudes.

Cheating? Me?

Check it out!

Come on, dude. We don't got much time.

Come on, guys. Jump him!

Come on, let's ditch him.

Come on, Napoleon. Everybody's waiting for us at the mall.

Come on, put your back into it.

Come on, So crates.

Come on!

Come on!

Come on!

Come on.

Come on.

Come on. We've got some historical figures to rescue.

Congratulations on passing your history report.

Cut that guy off!

Deacon, you have to watch this guy.

Deacon!

Dennis Frood.

Dep. Van Halen?

Dial fast, dude!

Do you know when the Mongols ruled China?

Do you know where there are any personages...

Do you realize you've stranded one of Europe's greatest leaders in San Dimas?

Don't be dead, dude.

Don't forget to wind your watch!

Don't worry, it'll all make sense. I'm a professional.

Don't worry, we'll bring you back as soon as you talk at our report.

Done!

Down here!

Down the hall, to the left. Quiet.

Dude, are you sure we should be doing this?

Dude, it's Sigmund Frood.

Dude, we gotta pass, otherwise there's no more band.

Dude, you totally boned that dude in the head!

Dude, you've got to have a poker face like me.

Dude.

Dude.

Dudes, you guys are going to go back in time!

Dust.

Eleven children, please. Are you okay?

Even the dirt is clean.

Everybody get together. Remember who your buddy is.

Everything is different, but the same.

Excellent work, dude.

Excellent!

Excellent!

Excellent!

Excellent!

Excellent.

Excellent.

Excellent.

Excuse me.

Excuse me. When did the Mongols rule China?

Execute them.

Extra credit, dude.

Fag!

Fantastique!

February 12, 1809.

Follow me.

Fourscore and...

From myself.

From who?

Gentlemen, is everything all right?

Gentlemen, is everything all right?

Gentlemen, we're going to do a lot more than that.

Gentlemen, you're on your own.

Gentlemen...

Gentlemen...

Get out of here!

Get this thing off me!

God.

Good one, dude.

Good thinking, dude!

Good.

Got to get back to our report.

Grab his legs. We gotta get him inside.

Great, we made it!

Great.

Greetings, my excellent friends.

Guards! After them!

Guess we used too much power.

Guys.

Had wooden teeth, chased Moby Dick.

He also loves baseball.

He also loves billiards.

He also said that if you fail history, you flunk out of school.

He is sometimes known as the father of modern thought.

He loves San Dimas.

He loves...

He was a dick!

He was the teacher of Plato, who was in turn the teacher of Aristotle.

He'll take care of you.

He's a fat old man. There must be a way to escape before the night falls.

He's a total bonehead!

He's anxious to meet you.

He's dead?

He's famous, dude. Let's bag him.

Heavy metal.

Heinous.

Hello again, my excellent friends.

Hello, San Dimas High.

Hello, San Dimas.

Hello. I'm Dr. Freud, but you may call me Siggy.

Here is a treat to make our minor prehistoric pit stop...

Here is some money. Take him to the movies or something.

Here.

Here. Try this.

Here's the deal. What I win, I keep.

Heretics!

Herman the Kid.

Hey, Dad!

Hi, guys.

Hi, Missy, I mean, Mom.

Hi.

Hi. I brought you guys some food.

Hi. Welcome to the future.

His name is Napoleon. He is a very famous French dude.

How about that gnarly old goat dude?

How are we going to find him?

How are we going to get past my dad?

How are you going to help us?

How can we ever thank you, Rufus?

How could we have decent instruments if we don't know how to play?

How much time we got left?

How?

How?

How's it going, dude?

How's it going, Frood dude?

How's it going, ladies?

How's it going, Old West dude?

How's it going, royal ugly dudes?

How's it going?

How's it going?

How's it going?

However, how would you gentlemen like...

Hurry up!

I am Bill.

I am Ted of San Dimas.

I ask that you all work together so that we can get down to the car.

I believe our adventure through time has taken a most serious turn.

I better remind myself again. Don't forget to wind your watch!

I can't believe my dad arrested them all.

I can't believe they fell for that.

I don't believe his clothes.

I don't know.

I don't know.

I don't know.

I don't know. I just work here.

I don't think it's going to work.

I don't want to see you around here anymore! Beat it!

I got a surprise for you.

I got them out of England just before they had to marry those royal ugly dudes.

I hate that part.

I have a most excellent idea.

I just have one further humble request:

I know how to spell "Lincoln."

I know.

I liked it.

I mean, Mom.

I mean, we met lots of great leaders and we got an A plus on our history report.

I need help. I got a live one here.

I need two men.

I spoke to Col. Oates this morning.

I spoke to your principal today.

I sure hope this works.

I think I figured out a way to pass our report.

I think it's working, dude.

I think they want us to say something.

I want to know why you claim to be Sigmund Freud.

I want to speak with you, son.

I'd like you all to put your hands together.

I'll be right back as soon as I get my books.

I'll never rule the universe with you!

I'm Bill S. Preston, Esquire!

I'm Bill S. Preston, Esquire.

I'm Bill. This is Ted. We're from the future.

I'm Billy the Kid.

I'm Billy.

I'm here to help you with your history report.

I'm in love, dude.

I'm Luke Bill. And you're not my father! No!

I'm new, dude... sir.

I'm not sure.

I'm telling you, this place is great...

I'm the Earl of Preston.

Idiot!

If I fail to keep these two on the correct path...

If I might be so honored to jam with you?

If only we could go back in time to when he had them and steal 'em then.

If we were one of the greatest generals in history...

If you and your wife used a little discipline, your son wouldn't be such a bad influence.

If you guys are really us...

If you guys were separated, it would have been disastrous for life as we know it.

In conclusion, I think Abraham Lincoln would be most impressed...

In fact, I believe you were there. That futuristic place with the domes?

Intro.

Iron maiden? Excellent!

Is discipline your key to success with Ted?

Is there one for the Western Movement in America in the 19th century?

It is indeed a pleasure to introduce to you...

It is time. Their separation is imminent.

It seems to me the only thing you've learned is that Caesar...

It seems we may be one report short today...

It will align the planets and bring them into universal harmony...

It's Father!

It's good.

It's his mom, dude.

It's ice cream.

It's my house.

It's nice to meet you all. There are sodas in the fridge.

It's not just a water sport. I knew it.

It's pointless to have a triumphant video...

It's under "So crates."

It's you, dude.

It's your mom, dude.

Je vais remporter un triomphe terrible...

Jumping jacks! Up!

Just a little farther, I hope.

Keep it up! You're looking great!

Kill them! Guards!

La glace.

Later.

Later.

Let's get out of here, dude.

Let's go back into history.

Let's go, dude!

Let's go!

Let's reach out and touch someone.

Listen to this dude Rufus. He knows what he's talking about.

Listen to this dude Rufus. He knows what he's talking about.

Listen, guys, don't forget: Tomorrow, final report...

Look, dudes, we gotta go.

Look, we found your keys...

Look, we're totally weak. We can't possibly fight you.

Look! Check it out.

Lyrics, dude. Recite them some lyrics.

Make something up.

Man.

Maybe it's time we get Eddie Van Halen.

Maybe we should start learning how to play.

Maybe you're right.

Miss Preston, we'd like you to meet some of our friends.

Missy, I mean, Mom, please keep an eye on Napoleon.

Modern technology, William.

Mom, can't you go any faster?

Mon Dieu.

Most non triumphant.

Mr. Ryan, fellow distinguished classmates...

Mr. Ryan?

Mr. Ryan...

Must be the castle of King Henry.

My dad already signed me up. My plane leaves tomorrow night.

My name is Ted and this is Bill.

Napoleon?

Next place we stop...

Nice try, dude.

No way!

No way!

No way!

No way!

No way.

No, just got a minor Oedipal complex.

No, sir.

Noah's wife.

Not bad, eh, So crates?

Not bad.

Now what?

Now where are we, dude?

Now your dad is going for it in your own room.

Now, most important, no matter what you do...

Now, my good friends...

Now, unless you get an A plus on your final oral report tomorrow...

Now...

O you beautiful babes from England...

Of course, babes.

Off with their heads!

Oh, my God.

Okay, I got one! Let's go!

Okay, I need the Lincoln hat and the stupid beard back.

Okay, Ted, George Washington.

Okay, the lady in that car over there...

Okay, wait.

Okay, wait.

Okay, we got Sigmund Frood, Beeth Oven...

Okay?

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

One of the greatest presidents in American history...

One thing I know is that Joan of Arc is not Noah's wife.

One, two, three, four!

Our historical figures are all locked up and my dad won't let them out.

Out of the way!

Over and out.

Over here, Dad!

Party on, dude.

Party on, dude.

Party on, dudes.

Perhaps we can ask them.

Philosophize with him.

Please check your directory and dial again.

Please welcome, for the final report of the afternoon...

Please welcome, the very excellent barbarian...

Put them in the iron maiden.

Remember when she was a senior and we were freshmen?

Right. And, Ted, give my love to the princesses.

Right. And, Ted, give my love to the princesses.

Rufus introduced us to a place called the mall.

Rufus, can we go anywhere we want at any time?

Rufus, the babes.

Rufus, where are we, dude?

Rufus!

San Dimas high school football rules!

San Dimas, California, 2688.

Say please.

Search the castle! There might be more!

Set a timer on it for...

Shit!

Shut up.

Sixty nine, dudes!

Sixty nine, dudes!

So crates Johnson.

So crates, watch out for your robe, dude.

So I would suggest you at least cover those areas...

So now I have to travel back in time to help them out.

So please welcome, to tell us what he thinks of San Dimas...

So, after the report, we can't forget to do this, otherwise it won't happen.

Socrates?

Socrates.

Sorry, Dad, but we got to go pass our history report.

Sounds good, Mr. The Kid.

Stay.

Still, while in her day, Marie Antoinette said, "Let them eat cake..."

Stop him!

Strange things are afoot at the Circle K.

Take your time.

Ted, you and I have witnessed many things...

Ted, you forgot to wind your watch again. And after you reminded yourself not to.

Ted! You're alive!

Tell him hi.

Tell me about your mother.

Thank you, San Dimas High.

Thank you.

Thanks, Dad.

Thanks, guys.

Thanks, Rufus.

Thanks, Rufus.

Thanks, Rufus.

That conversation made more sense this time.

That I would have to go to Oates Military Academy, sir.

That is why we need Eddie Van Halen!

That was nice of us.

That way, when we get here now, they'll be waiting for us.

That's Capt. Ahab, dude.

That's enough.

That's exactly it. Come on.

That's just the way I'm built.

That's L I N C O L N.

That's only if we fail, dude.

That's to help you as you start your new band.

That's us, dude!

That's us. We're back in San Dimas!

That's why I was sent to make sure you passed your history report.

The air is clean. The water's clean.

The antenna's broken.

The few possess much...

The French have just invaded.

The music of Ludwig von Beethoven.

The number you have dialed is not in service at this time.

The short dead dude from our history review.

The single greatest ice cream spectacle known to man.

The stratification of our society is much like Marie Antoinette's.

The Zyggie Pig.

There they are!

There's computers.

Therefore, Ted's father's own fear of failure...

These are the circuits of history, gentlemen.

These two great gentlemen...

They do get better.

They fell from the sky!

They fell out of the sky!

They had fire in their eyes and they had horns!

They totally worshipped us there.

They'll take us to any point in time we wish.

Things are more moderner than before.

This dichotomy led to a revolution...

This has been a most excellent adventure.

This has been a most unusual day.

This here is So crates.

This is a dude who, 700 years ago...

This is just like Frontierland.

This is the San Dimas Mall...

This should be most triumphant.

Those are historical babes.

Those boys. I can't believe they're here.

Those must be the princesses you told yourself about at the Circle K.

Three aces!

Three: The dollar bill guy.

To improve on the condition of her armies, Joan of Arc plans on instituting...

Today, leaders are impeached rather than beheaded.

Tons. Why?

Two beers, please.

Very quiet. Quiet!

Wait. Remember Disney World?

Want a Twinkie, Genghis Khan?

Was? Was ist los?

Watch it!

Waterloo!

Way to go, dude.

Way to go, dude. You stalled him.

Way to go, egghead.

Way to go, Rufus.

We are in most excellent shape for our report.

We are in serious trouble.

We blew it.

We could do it after the report.

We could steal them, but he lost them two days ago.

We didn't believe it either when we were you...

We got one historical figure here, maybe we can go back and get more.

We gotta go. It's a history report, not a babe report.

We know how you feel.

We looked all over England for you.

We traveled through time.

We want more!

We were there. There were many steps and columns. It was most tranquil.

We will have a most triumphant time.

We'll be back as soon as we find Napoleon, okay?

We'll save you, babes!

We'll take you back to France after you tell us what you think of San Dimas.

We're destined to flunk most egregiously tomorrow.

We're going.

We're history.

We're in danger of flunking most heinously tomorrow.

We're in the middle of a war, dude!

We're to be married to two horrible old men today.

We're with you, Billy the Kid.

We've decided to collect other important figures from history...

We've got plenty of time, but we don't have any more room left.

We've got to keep dialing San Dimas until we get back and get Napoleon.

We've learned that the world has a great history.

Welcome aboard, Miss Joan of Arc.

Well, then...

What am I going to do with you?

What are they doing up there?

What are we going to do?

What are we supposed to know for our report?

What do you mean, Rufus? We got 10 hours left.

What does your father want?

What else do I say?

What if we were lying?

What in the hell do you think you're doing?

What is this?

What is this? Let go of me. What are you doing?

What should I say?

What the hell's going on here, Billy?

What you win, I keep.

What you're telling me, essentially, is that Napoleon...

What?

What?

What's that?

What's that?

What's up, Ted?

What's your birthday, Mr. Lincoln?

Whatever. Just eat it.

When I get back from the station, I want you packed and ready to go. Got it?

When you can have a body that cries:

Where are we, dude?

Where are you going, Rufus?

Where are you? Get this off me!

Where did we land now?

Where?

Where'd you get those savory clothes?

While I agree that, in time, our band will be most triumphant...

While we are gone, you are not to let him out of your sight.

Who are we?

Who should we get for Medieval?

Who should we take with us?

Who turned out all the lights?

Who turned out the lights?

Who was Joan of Arc?

Who's with me?

Why be soft and flabby when you can be firm and trim?

Why do you claim I'm not Sigmund Freud?

Why do you keep asking me these questions?

Why don't you guys take a dinner break?

Why don't you have the ladies sign as well, would you please?

Why would we lie to ourselves?

Why, thank you.

Will you help us escape?

Wind.

Witches! Heretics! I saw them!

With our specialized weight training and aerobics program...

Wyld Stallyns' music has become the foundation of our whole society.

Yeah, all we need is one more speaker from Medieval.

Yeah, are you going to call someone and get the answers?

Yeah, but you can get shot here.

Yeah, don't you think? Look at his sandals.

Yeah, except how come the number we dialed for San Dimas...

Yeah, except how come the number we dialed...

Yeah, right. Come on, mister!

Yeah, this is Dave Beeth Oven.

Yeah, this way!

Yeah!

Yeah! I fell out of my suit when I hit the floor.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah. All right.

Yeah. Only now it's not now, it's last night.

Yeah. Thanks, Rufus.

Yeah. We'd take you with us, but it's a history report...

Yes way!

Yes, but I do not believe we will get Eddie Van Halen...

Yes, but what do we eat?

Yes, it is! He's going to an Alaskan military school.

Yes, son. Stand up.

Yes, what can I...

Yes?

Yes. And that thanks to great leaders such as...

Yes. Thank you very much, Sigmund Freud.

You a musician?

You are going to have the most excellent adventure through history.

You both seem to be suffering from a mild form of hysteria.

You can do anything you want...

You can start by signing this for my kids.

You ditched Napoleon?

You don't understand. I'm Abraham Lincoln.

You eat it.

You ever made a mushroom out of his head?

You go home and you pack your bags now!

You go in and talk to your dad. I'm gonna scope the place out.

You got two hours.

You got your Broadway down here, you got your Sears over here.

You guys are looking great! Okay!

You guys stay here.

You have flunked every section of this class.

You have to dial one number higher.

You haven't done anything with them?

You killed Ted, you medieval dickweed!

You know what that would mean, don't you?

You know your topics.

You lose my keys, you fail history.

You see, 700 years ago, the two great ones...

You see, eventually, your music will help to end war and poverty.

You spend all your time with your loser friend...

You totally blew it, dude.

You're not to leave this house until tomorrow morning.

You're the ladies' man. How are we gonna meet them?

You're the ones we saw in front of the castle.

Your report had better be something very special.

2:13.

1275.

"Buddy"? You ain't paid yet.

After all, they are in the band. They are?

All right. What's your name? Abraham Lincoln.

And I'm Ted "Theodore" Logan. Yeah!

Bill, my friend? Yes, Ted, my friend?

Bill! What?

Bill? What?

Bill. What?

Bill. What?

Billy! So crates!

But, Dad... I don't wanna hear it!

Can you please bring the car around back? Sure.

Dad! You pack your bags.

Do you know how to play, Rufus? I play a little.

Dude! Where are we going? I don't know! I think the booth's broke!

Enjoy! Okay, look around. See what you think.

Excusez moi, monsieur. Hold on there. Not so fast, buddy.

For school, dude! Yeah.

Geek. What is a geek?

God! You are such a geek.

Got it? Got it.

Got it? Yeah.

Hall of Presidents? Yeah, good. What did he say?

He ate the Pig, thus proving that he's... A...

He didn't even card us, dude. Yeah, we'll have to remember this place.

He said you're failing history. Me and Bill...

Hi, Bill. Want a ride? Sure, Missy.

How'd it go? Bad.

Howdy, partner. Howdy.

Hurry up, Billy. How do we get out of here?

I demand einen lawyer. Don't get smart, buddy. Let's go.

I totally conquered you, dude! No way!

I'm totally thirsty. Me, too.

It's my hat and my beard! Come on!

It's Napoleon. Who?

It's you. Yeah. It's us.

Let's bag him. Yeah.

Let's get 'em! Let's kill them!

Let's get back and do our report. Good idea.

Lock him up with the rest of the wackos. I am a lawyer, you know.

Look, dudes, we gotta go. Yeah, we gotta get back to the report.

Look. It's the Goodyear blimp.

Merci. People, time is of the essence.

Mom? Yes?

Most outstanding. Let's jam.

Move. Pardon me.

No way. Yes way!

No, Sig! Over here! Excuse me, miss.

Oh, my God. What are they doing?

One: The father of our country. Two: Born on Presidents' Day.

One. Two.

Our first speaker was born in 470 B.C. Hi! Long time no see.

Pay? Pay.

Ready, Ted? Ready, Bill.

Remember to get the tape recorder. Yeah.

Remember when I asked her to the prom? Shut up!

Sacrebleu. Come on, buddy.

See? Yeah!

Smell it, dude. Let's bail.

So crates! Bye, babes!

So just try to act natural. Okay.

Socrates. We're from history.

Sure do play excellent music. Most outstanding.

Take it easy there! Stop! Hold it right there!

Ted, stand up. Stand up?

Ted, we're out of control. What?

Ted? I'm over here.

Ted? What?

That was most unprecedented, Rufus. Yeah.

Then who is Noah's wife? I don't know, Ted.

These are heavy. Yeah.

This is Ted's little brother, Deacon. Hi.

Trashcan. Remember a trashcan. Trashcan? What are you talking about?

Understand? Yes, sir.

Vous me connaissez, monsieur? Beat it, buddy!

Watch out for the horse crap. Thanks, dude.

Watch the gonads, dude. Abe, you're too tall, man.

Way to go! Come on.

We better go find the princesses. Yeah.

We know that name. Yeah. Look him up.

We totally know how to sword fight! Yeah!

We're late! For what?

Weird. They're coming over to sit down.

What am I going to say on it? Dad!

What are you doing home, Dad? I'm looking for my keys.

What are you guys studying, anyway? History.

What did we say, anyways? I don't know. Let's go find out.

What do you mean, Rufus? Yeah, aren't you coming with us?

What? Everyone is.

What? How?

What? I'm Darth Ted.

What? Let's go talk to ourselves.

What? You're going to military school.

Where are we going? The golden age of civilization.

Where are we, dude? England, 15th century.

Where? Ancient Greece, dude.

Where? Don't know. How about behind that sign?

Who are you guys? We're you, dude!

Who? You'll see.