Team America: World Police (2004) Edit

A bond that cannot be broken.

A rittle ronery.

A rittle ronery.

About the Chechnyans being in charge.

Act your way past those guards and see what you can find out.

After blowing up half of Cairo.

After the show, I was asked if I wanted to go meet

AIDS, AIDS, AIDS

AIDS, AIDS, AIDS

AIDS, AIDS, AIDS, AIDS AIDS, AIDS

AIDS, AIDS, AIDS, AIDS, AIDS AIDS, AIDS, AIDS, AIDS

Alec Baldwin is head of the Film Actors Guild.

Alec Baldwin is rallying all the members of the Film Actors Guild.

All American actor who graduated Iowa University summa cum laude

All around the world, there will be massive exprosions.

All because of me.

All compretery unaware that the world is about to change forever.

All covered in shit.

All I ask Is that you're a woman

All I ask Is that you're a woman

All I can think about is your smile.

All right, Gary, you follow me. The rest of the team,

All right, good job, Sarah. Now, everyone make for the tavern.

All right, I'll trust you.

All right, listen carefully. The WMDs are located

All right, team, let's move to the inner city. Keep it quiet.

All right, team, we've only got one shot at this, so listen up.

All right, team. We're nearing Derka Derkastan.

All right, that does it. Get out of here, you drunk lowlife.

All right, that's the tavern with the blue door.

All right, you guys, I hate to break up this little party,

All right. Come on, team, we gotta find that stage.

All right. Thanks.

All right. We fucking did it.

All that matters, Gary, is what you have here.

All that Team America does is create new enemies.

All you in the audience should go to your homes now.

Already expected to attend are Helen Hunt,

Amazing.

America.

America.

America.

America... Fuck

An actor convincing enough to make the terrorists think he's one of them.

An actor with a double major in theater and world languages?

An attack in Panama today has left thousands dead.

And a damn fine cop. And I want to spend the rest of my life with you.

And all I'm trying to say.

And all the assholes want is to shit all over everything.

And as the leaders of your countries, you have the power

And every single minute of every single day,

And everything around him before he can set them off.

And fends only for themselves.

And finally, we have our psychology expert. Where's Lisa?

And get on the ground. You're under arrest.

And get the fuck out of here.

And he wants us to be the keynote speakers.

And I am the greatest terrorist ever to have rived.

And I miss you

And I miss you.

And I miss you.

And if we don't all chip in.

And if we don't all chip in.

And if you betray us, I'll rip your fucking balls off and stuff them up your ass

And if you don't believe it, then you better kill me now,

And if you don't throw in your buck o five, who will?

And if you don't throw in your buck o five, who will?

And if you even try to touch Kim Jong II,

And intelligence tells us they plan to use them.

And it takes a pussy to show them that.

And just what does this have to do with me?

And Kim Jong II is an asshole.

And laughed and played with gumdrop smiles.

And now Gyron is smeared With Barmack porren.

And now some Hollywood celebrities are lashing out.

And now the tables are turned, and I don't know if I can trust you.

And now we present to you the very best in North Korean music.

And now you see, the new world is inevitabre.

And now, radies and gentlemen, Mr Arec Barrwin.

And once he's on the inside, cover his back.

And only one emptiness will do.

And put that cock right in his mouth.

And rivers made of chocolate, where the children danced

And show us a passage of time.

And so

And so this is the end of our story.

And something even better happened.

And that shitty movie, too.

And that shitty movie, too.

And the Film Actors Guild are pussies.

And the idiots in charge are making it worse.

And then say what we read on television like it's our own opinion.

And then Team America goes out, and the corporations sit there in their...

And they hate everything about you.

And they make money.

And this is Sarah,

And training new terrorists for the attack.

And until then

And wait for the goddamn signal this time. Goodbye.

And we will write you a letter telling you how angry we are.

And while all the world's most important people are distracted here,

And with every shot Show a little improvement.

And with every shot Show a little improvement.

And without an actor, they were like pigs to the slaughter.

And would you start to feel bad?

And you've got to reach your prime.

And your guards won't let me into certain areas.

Anybody know of any terrorist attacks coming up soon?

Are being organized for one massive worldwide attack.

As actors, it is our responsibility to read the newspapers

As quickly as they had come, the infidels were gone.

Assholes who just wanna shit on everything.

At 7:15 this morning, the terrorists carried out their attack.

Attention. Attention, everyone.

Basically, all the worst parts of the Bible.

Baxter will take you wherever you wanna go. Just remember,

Baxter, I think we can valmorphanize safely now.

Because I wouldn't go along with their plans.

Because I'll put a jihad on you, too.

Because I've just been contacted by a very important political leader

Because like it or not, you're the one with the power to do something.

Because my acting saved the entire world.

Because pussies are only an inch and a half away from assholes.

Because pussies get fucked by dicks.

Because then there will be barance.

Because they destroyed our lives.

Because you're the one with the power to...

Before Team America showed up, it was a happy place.

Bonjour, everyone. Don't worry. Everything is bon.

Bring her upstairs.

Bring in the submarines.

Bring it down! Bring it all down!

Burning oil rained down from the sky and cooked everything it touched.

But also with Barmacks Who are giant bees.

But dicks also fuck assholes,

But dicks also fuck assholes, Chuck.

But he's the best martial arts expert Detroit has to offer.

But I do know that if you don't let us fuck this asshole,

But I have to control them

But it all went wrong And now I must decree.

But it was too late.

But Kim Jong II is a lot worse.

But nobody ristens No one understands.

But nobody ristens No one understands.

But now somebody has supplied the terrorists with WMDs.

But only if you

But some people out there want you dead.

But sometimes pussies get so full of shit

But the only thing that can fuck an asshole

But then you got your assholes, Chuck.

But there's still a lot of bad guys out there.

But when I got back there, they were drunk and out of control.

But where's the team?

But you are worthress, Arec Barrwin You are worthress, Arec Barrwin.

But you see, peace always finds a way.

But you're still the only hope to stop these newer terrorists.

But you've let me down before.

By following the rules of the Film Actors Guild,

By the fiery, black liquid death.

By the time my show is over, it will be far too rate.

Cairo. That's in Egypt.

Carson.

Children are walking to school, friends are sitting in movie theatres.

Come on, everybody We got quilting to do.

Come on, Gary, act. You have the power.

Come on, Gary, hurry. You've got to act fast.

Come on, let's go. We're running out of time.

Come on, stop trying to hit me and hit me.

Come on.

Come. They're onto us!

Coming again to save The motherfucking day, yeah.

Coming again to save The motherfucking day, yeah.

Congratulations, Gary. You've done an amazing thing.

Congraturations, Team America, you have stopped nothing.

Copy, Sarah. You get Gary, we'll go after the terrorists.

Dear God.

Dicks, pussies and assholes.

Die! Infidels!

Do something, Arec Barrwin!

Do you have any idea how fucking busy I am, Hans Brix?

Do you have any idea how fucking busy I am?

Do you remember that?

Dog eats dog, as everyone attacks everyone

Don't fucking move!

Don't fucking move! You were all going to be treated

Don't let them get away.

Don't mind Chris. He may be lacking courtesy,

Don't move, protester, or I'll blow your commie brains out.

Don't worry, fellas, I've got my pass right here.

Don't you see this is just what the terrorists want us to do?

Drop your weapons.

Easy, easy. You gotta calm down there, Chuck.

Even while the world around you spirals downward.

Every actor, grab a gun and keep Team America

Every country will be a Third World country.

Everyone has AIDS My grandma and my dog Ole Blue.

Everyone has AIDS, AIDS, AIDS, AIDS, AIDS.

Everyone has AIDS.

Everyone has AIDS.

Everyone panicked and cried out for somebody to help,

Exactly right, Joe.

Fear not, Muslim friends. We're here to find terrorists.

Feel rike a bird in a cage.

Find someone else who will love you. Find someone else and be happy.

For a massive international peace conference.

For Team America's actions in Cairo.

For the truth is that Team America fights for the billion dollar corporations.

Freedom costs a buck o five.

Freedom costs a buck o five.

Freedom is the only way Yeah.

Freedom is the only way, yeah.

Freedom is the only way, yeah.

Freedom isn't free.

Freedom isn't free.

From just a beginner to a pro.

From reaching this ceremony at all costs.

From what I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E. has gathered,

Fuck him. We don't need an actor.

Fuck off, Team America!

Fuck, yeah.

Gary has already proven to me

Gary isn't in the tavern. I think he may be with...

Gary stopped the terrorists in Cairo.

Gary, Chris, come in.

Gary, I'm afraid there's no time.

Gary, if for some reason your cover is blown

Gary, no.

Gary, this is Joe, all star quarterback from the University of Nebraska.

Gary, you can't blame yourself for what gorillas did.

Gary, you didn't kill your brother. Those gorillas did.

Gary, you must use your acting

Gary!

Gary!

Gary! Help me! Get this thing off of me! Gary!

Gary? You okay?

Gary. Help me! Help me!

Gary. Hey, hold on a second.

Gary. Oh, no. Help me! Help me!

George Clooney, Liv Tyler, Martin Sheen, Susan Sarandon,

Get away from I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E.

Get off of me! Get this thing off of me! Gary!

Get out of here, I said.

Go faster, you idiot.

Go get them, cowboy.

God damn it, Gary.

God damn it, open your fucking ears.

God, I'm so confused.

Good going, F.A.G.

Goodbye, Team America.

Great job, team. Head back to base for debriefing and cocktails.

Greetings, Mr Johnston.

Grobal stabirity unravels.

Guys, are you all right? Where's Lisa?

Guys, guys, guys!

Hakmed.

Hang on, team. Someone has broken into the hangar.

Hans Brix? Oh, no.

Hans, you're breaking my barrs here. Hans, you're breaking my barrs.

Have Sarah and Joe lock on to our...

Having so little faith in humanity must make you a very lonely man.

He asks what part of the deal you did not understand.

He proved it last night by sucking my cock.

He says perhaps his translator did not make it clear to you.

He was terrible in that film

He was terrible in that film

He was the jock, and I was the little performer.

He's a man so dedicated that he will get down on his knees

He's a man who knows

He's a natural born leader.

He's my hero.

He's way better than Ben Affleck And now.

He's way better than Ben Affleck And now.

Hello, young man. Congratulations on a terrific performance.

Hello? Anybody?

Here we go.

Here, let me loose. I'll show you where the theater is.

Here, Spottswoode's monitoring from the base.

Here, you'd better have this.

Herro?

Hey, Baxter.

Hey, guys, I think we should pull over.

Hey, have you ever thought of telling Sarah how you feel?

Hey, hold on a second, are you from Hollywood?

Hey, Sarah, do you mind if I dance with you?

Hey, terrorist.

Hey, that's here.

Hey, weren't you the actor in that Broadway show?

Hey, yeah, it is you. Do that scene where everyone gets AIDS.

Hey, you don't need to see my credentials.

Hope it's as good as they say it is.

How do you make yourself so somber and emotional

How is it my responsibility to do something?

How we gonna do that?

How you rike that, you fucking cocksucker?

Hundreds of people turned out at Mount Rushmore today to protest.

Hurry, friend. We must make our escape.

I am not. The others tied me up

I am sick of you terrorists fucking it up.

I am still in the process of recruiting

I believe you can do this, Gary.

I can't fight terrorists. I don't know anything about guns or jets.

I cannot berieve that I actually have a Chechnyan standing here

I could only hide myself and cry as my goats were consumed

I could swear that I heard my goats screaming for help.

I couldn't wait to see it.

I don't act any more. I gave that up.

I don't have any weapons of mass destruction, okay, Hans?

I don't know much in this crazy, crazy world,

I don't know nothing about fancy cars and fancy restaurants.

I don't know. But I think I see it, too.

I don't need one heartbeat I need two.

I don't want the guilt, I don't want the shame

I fell in.

I got him, Carson. He's heading for the Louvre.

I got my reasons.

I got something for you.

I got you, Sarah.

I guess you're with me, cockfag.

I had to come back.

I hate to break this to you, Gary,

I have an incredible offer for you, Gary. If you're interested, follow me this way.

I have worked ten years on this pran.

I heard there might be a large terrorist attack.

I just don't know how you do it, Gary.

I know about Carson.

I know how it feels.

I know I walked out, but I'd do anything to take it back.

I know you all don't like Team America a whole lot right now,

I know. And so are the triggers to WMDs poised all around the globe.

I left them at home and I'm running late.

I like balls.

I lost her.

I love your balls.

I miss you more than Michael Bay missed the mark.

I need this, I need love I need you

I need you like Ben Affleck Needs acting school.

I need you like Ben Affleck Needs acting school.

I need you like Cuba Gooding Needed a bigger part.

I promise. I will never die.

I remember the first time we met.

I repeat, we have no I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E.

I said I'd never die. But now I'm dead inside.

I sense that I'm becoming attracted to Gary.

I sense that you're slightly confused right now.

I swear they won't reach this stage.

I think I can finally let it go.

I think I know just what we need.

I think it's better than all right. It's great!

I told you.

I treasure yours, Lisa.

I tried to leave, but Rumpleteazer held me down and...

I wanna take a detour.

I want to believe in you, Gary, I really do.

I was 19 years old when the musical Cats came to our town.

I was doing a lot of thinking on the ride over here.

I was doing some acting, walking on the railing of the gorilla exhibit.

I was just a boy when the infidels came to my village

I was just thinking.

I was just wondering if I can let go of an old, painful memory.

I was ****d by Mr Mistoffelees.

I was sent from planet Gyron To conquer the Earth

I was thinking that I want you to marry me.

I will detonate the WMDs

I will return!

I work rearry hard And make up great prans.

I work rearry hard And make up great prans.

I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E. has intercepted communications

I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E. tells us the attack is imminent.

I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E., initiate detonation sequence on the ships.

I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E., what the hell happened?

I'd like to buy you a beer.

I'll give you all the time I can.

I'll just be ronery.

I'll make sure nobody's watching.

I'll make them see Everyone has AIDS.

I'll never act again.

I'm afraid it could be 9/11 times 1,000.

I'm afraid your world is over.

I'm clearing your minds of all anxiety.

I'm completely lost. I've hit rock bottom.

I'm glad you all agree.

I'm gonna fucking kill you!

I'm gonna have to breach.

I'm not going anywhere with this fucking traitor.

I'm not going to fuck your mouth, and my time is extremely valuable.

I'm on it. Just hang on, Sarah.

I'm pranning the attack.

I'm ronery.

I'm ronery.

I'm so ronery.

I'm so ronery.

I'm so ronery.

I'm sorry I'm not the man you think I am.

I'm sorry I've been so hard on you.

I'm sorry, but the UN must be firm with you.

I'm sorry, Lisa. I didn't mean to bring up...

I'm sorry.

I'm supposed to leave the fate of the world in your hands?

I'm using it to blow up North Korea.

I've got Korean aircraft at one o'clock.

I've got one on my tail!

I've gotta bail out.

I've heard a lot about your acting, Mr Johnston.

I've intercepted communications that several terrorist groups

I've just got one piece of bad news for you, Robbins.

If asked to make the ultimate sacrifice?

If I mess up here,

If I mess up here,

If there's still a world left when this is all over,

If violence is all those bastards understand, then violence they'll get.

If we focus our acting on global politics,

If you did that, I would make love to you right now.

If you fade out It seems like more time has passed.

If you tell me what it is, maybe I could help out.

If you were asked to give up your dreams for freedom?

If you were asked to give up Your dreams for freedom?

If you're going to storm Kim Jong II's palace single handed,

If your acting is successful, you'll be able to get us the information we need

In a different way.

In a secret bunker 20 yards east of this building.

In anything, if you want to go.

In anything, if you want to go.

In five minutes.

In San Francisco.

In the box to your reft is the mastermind of this spectacurar show,

In the meantime, the world wants to deal with dangerous individuals

In the midst of the chaos,

In their BLACK HAWK helicopters.

In their corporation buildings, and, see, they're all corporation y,

Is a dick with some balls.

Is also jumping on the Fuck Team America bandwagon.

Is an international criminal. We're here to arrest him.

Is it anything that you wanna talk about?

Is Pearl Harbor sucked.

Isn't that right, I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E.?

It appears now that I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E. was wrong

It is a very precise and a compricated pran.

It was on that day I put a jihad on them.

It will be years before the terrorists have the resources to attack again.

It would be 9/11 times 100.

It's all right. We'll kill these guys, then we'll find out what she wants.

It's just... Things are really complicated, Gary.

It's me. It's me.

It's not that hard, really. I just think about the saddest moment in my life.

It's not who you are, Gary, it's what you stand for.

It's okay, Sarah. I treasure your friendship.

It's only been a short time, but I think that I'm completely in love...

It's the eye of the needle, Gary, and we must both pass through it.

It's too painful to see them die.

It's too soon to be having feelings for you.

It's uncanny.

It's what they would want me to do, Gary.

Jackson!

Jesus titty fucking Christ.

Jesus titty fucking...

Jesus, I've done it again.

Joe has feelings for you?

Joe to Sarah. Looks like we may need to order up a wedding cake.

Joe, do you think it's okay for team members to date?

Joe? But you're like a brother to me.

Just a little bit more Than I miss you.

Just give me a chance.

Just kidding.

Just think about it, okay? Here, take this.

Just try to be still.

Kill her.

Kill them.

Kim Jong II? Why is he helping terrorists?

Last week in Paris, we caught four terrorists

Last year I went to Iraq.

Lead the fight And charge the brigades.

Leave her alone, you son of a bitch!

Leave that to us.

Let me explain to you how this works.

Let me go.

Let me see your whole palace, or else.

Let's get one thing straight, actor. I don't trust you.

Let's get ready.

Let's go police the world.

Let's go, bitch. I've done action films.

Let's not talk.

Lisa can't help it if Gary has feelings for her.

Lisa, I treasure your friendship!

Lisa, I'm crazy about you. Will you please forgive me if I...

Lisa, you have to live on.

Lisa!

Lisa. Lisa, are you here?

Look out, it's Ethan Hawke and Janeane Garofalo.

Look out!

Look out! We've got terrorist aircraft.

Look, I wanna make things right.

Look, this is my serious face.

Looks like George Clooney and Liv Tyler, 20 yards.

Looks like he's saying, Kiss me. Kiss me.

Man. Gary is such a great guy.

Matt Damon!

Matt Damon.

Matt Damon.

Matt Damon.

Maybe feelings are feelings because we can't control them.

Missed. Wide right.

Missile lock. I've got missile lock.

Motherfucker.

Moved by Baldwin's impassioned speech,

Mr II, I was supposed to be allowed to inspect your palace today,

My acting

My acting?

My acting? My acting just got a thousand people killed.

My advice is not to get involved with a team member, Sarah.

My fellow actors, we live in a dark time.

My God, his acting is better than ever.

My God, that's... I don't even know what that is.

My name is Hakmed. I'm a terrorist.

My only bright star.

My only true pal.

My uncle and my cousin And her best friend.

Namely, us.

Nine hundred and eleven thousand.

No, I think I'd rather team up with you, Joe.

No, no, no. Wait, wait, hold on.

No, of course not, Joe.

No, there's a hefty fucking fee.

No, there's a hefty fucking fee.

No, you just didn't care if you did.

No!

No!

No.

No. Blame Team America.

No. He can't be dead.

No. It would be a suicide mission.

No. We can't look weak and powerless.

No. You think so small.

Nobody does.

Nothing to it.

Now that the world is going to be run peacefully,

Now we've got to get Lisa and stop Kim Jong II.

Now you've gone away.

Now, come on, Sarah, that isn't fair.

Now, isn't that a shame.

Now, let's go get cleaned up.

Now, suck my cock.

Now, take your weapons of mass destruction

Now, team, your mission will be to get Gary into that tavern.

Of course, Derka Derkastan.

Oh, Carson. Carson...

Oh, come on, Sarah. You mean you never realized

Oh, God, no.

Oh, good. I'm so glad you think so.

Oh, herro, great to see you again, Hans.

Oh, herro.

Oh, I get it.

Oh, I get it.

Oh, I see.

Oh, my God. What the hell happened?

Oh, no, we aren't. We're dicks!

Oh, no, you're not.

Oh, thank you. I don't believe we've met, Mr...?

Oh, yeah? About what?

Okay, a limousine that can fly. Now I have seen everything.

Okay, go.

Okay, have a nice day.

Okay, I'll show you, Hans. You ready?

Okay, let's do it.

Okay, let's do it.

On screen.

One day you'll all look at the world us actors created and say,

One gorilla would throw him to another gorilla, who tossed him to another.

One of the terrorists is trying to tell us something.

Only a woman Can brighten up my day.

Only a woman Can touch me the right way, yeah.

Only a woman Is allowed to touch me there.

Only if you could promise me you'll never die.

Onstage, if I mess up a line, it could mean a bad review.

Or else we will be very, very angry with you.

Or else what?

Or should I say,

Our dear leader, Kim Jong II, says the weapons of mass destruction

Our only hope is to have somebody act like a terrorist

Pearl Harbor sucked.

Pearl Harbor sucked.

Pearl Harbor sucked.

Perhaps they'll stop in and say herro.

Perhaps we can be ready sooner.

Please, Gary, step into my car.

Please, Gary, step into my car.

Please, how can I make you trust me?

Please, Mr Sheen, Mr Robbins,

Please, Spottswoode, you have to believe in me.

Poor rittle me

Poor rittle me

Poor rittle me.

Pranet Gyron is inhabited With Zypods rike me.

Protesting is not enough.

Pull over, let them pass us, and when they turn around, we charge them.

Pull over? Yes, of course.

Pull yourself together, Gary. We need you now more than ever.

Pussies may think they can deal with assholes their way.

Pussies think everyone can get along and dicks just wanna fuck all the time

Put down the gas can now.

Put down your weapons now!

Radies and gentlemen.

Really? Have you seen a man eat his own head?

Remember, if you think they're onto you, give us the signal.

Remember, there is no I in Team America.

Remind everyone Of what's going on.

Remind everyone Of what's going on.

Right here.

Right now famiries are gathering in parks,

Right this way, you maverick renegade.

Right.

Rook how much they rove my show. The entire audience is so captivated.

Rumpus Cat and Macavity kept feeling up my leg.

Samuel Jackson.

Sarah, before we die, I want to finally tell you that I love you.

Sarah, he's got the bomb. You got a fix?

Sarah, really?

Sarah, that isn't going to work. You don't really have mental powers.

Sarah, you and Gary go that way. Chris and I will go right.

Sarah, you did it!

Sarah, you know I didn't mean to hurt you.

Sarah's a professional at skin grafting and laser valmoriphication.

Say hello to our new partner.

Seems rike no one Takes me seriousry.

Seems rike no one Takes me seriousry.

Shit, they got by me.

Shit. I've got five terrorists going southeast on Baka laka daka Street.

Shoot them down. Rike dogs.

Show a lot of things Happening at once.

Show a lot of things Happening at once.

Show us what you're doing, Kim Jong II.

Shut up. We have explicit instructions to watch you.

Sir, I am intercepting communications about the terrorists' identities.

Sit up and take a look, Gary.

Sitting on my rittle throne

Sitting on my rittle throne

Smartass motherfucker.

So lick my butt And suck on my balls.

So lick my butt And suck on my balls.

So now you see why we need you.

So pussies may get mad at dicks once in a while

So ronery and sadry arone.

So ronery and sadry arone.

So ronery.

So rong, earthrings!

So that the next time you shit, you'll shit all over your balls, got it?

So that when you pee, it shoots out in all different directions. You got it?

So this terrorist is shooting at us from the back of his jeep, and he...

So we wanted a new home And that's what Earth was for.

So you're the bastard planning 9/11 times 1,000.

So... So, what, you're just gonna shut down?

Some of the performers backstage. Man, I was thrilled.

Somebody has to stop this!

Sometimes believing is all we have.

Sometimes believing is all we have.

Sorry to interrupt the show, everyone, but Kim Jong II

Sorry, babe. Looks like this was a one way ticket.

Sorry, Team America, but you see, we must live in a time of peace.

Spottswoode, it's Lisa. Gary found the WMDs and the terrorists are down.

Spottswoode? He's alive?

Stand a rittle to your reft.

Still, I'd love to show her a full moon night on the cornfields.

Stop it, Chris. I sense that you're making him feel intimidated.

Stop it! Stop it, you're killing him!

Stop that man.

Surprise, cockfags!

Taking credit were terrorists from Derka Derkastan.

Team America has once again pissed off the entire world

Team America, the blood of the victims of Panama is on your hands.

Team, if the Derka Derkastanis have weapons of mass destruction,

Team, there's no time. You have to convince that audience

Team, you've got to hurry.

Ten minutes, Mr Baldwin.

Terring me when he's gonna take a derivery.

Terrorists, your game is through.

Terrorists, your game is through.

Terrorists, your game is through.

Terrorize this.

Terrorize this.

Thanks to a brilliant actor named Gary Johnston.

That doesn't matter. If you want to help people,

That handles dangerous people with talk and reasoning.

That he is 100% committed to the team.

That terrorists from different countries are gathering at a tavern here, in Cairo.

That they become assholes themselves.

That was bad, I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E.

That was the greatest acting I've ever seen.

That what the world needs is compassion, not violence.

That when you put another man's cock in your mouth, you make a pact.

That's all I ever am. Like a brother. It isn't fair.

That's all right. I feel a little bit like dying.

That's all spying is, acting. And they say you're the best.

That's right, actor. Just stay the fuck away from me.

That's right. All right, good luck.

That's supposed to be Carson's replacement, a fucking actor?

That's when I trigger all the WMDs to go off at the same time.

That's why I brew your head off And your children are all bawring.

That's why they call it acting. Come on, we gotta find Lisa.

That's why you don't trust actors.

The film actors are on their way.

The Film Actors Guild believes

The gorillas beat him to death before the zookeepers could gas them all.

The gorillas just went wild.

The infidels fired at the oil fields and they lit up like the eyes of Allah.

The most important people from every country

The most sophisticated computer in the world.

The multitarented Kim Jong II.

The name is Spottswoode.

The next time you pull a stunt like that, I'll drill two holes through your dick

The only thing standing in their way is us.

The people will break out into panic and rioting all over the Earth.

The person who supplied them with WMDs?

The single greatest actor of all time.

The terrorists are planning new ways

The terrorists are planning something very big.

The terrorists claim that the attack was a retaliation

The terrorists know to be in position by the time Arec Barrwin takes the stage.

The time has come for us to start using our acting talents

The top empath from Berkeley's School for the Clairvoyant

The war is out there, man. Out there. Now, pull it together.

The world can become a better place

The Zypods and the Barmacks Are at constant war.

The... Global warming and... Corporate America...

Their computers are down. Attack!

Their own way.

Their reckless disregard in Cairo brought on this violence today.

Then forget all these assholes. We got work to do.

Then if I go down on you, I get a movie part.

Then what about all the things you promised last night?

Then you show credentials.

There will be music, dancing and, of course,

There you go, Hans Brix.

There's just one problem. I don't look Middle Eastern.

There's no chance we can ever be together?

There's no one Just me onry.

There's no one Just me onry.

There's nobody I can rerate to.

There's nobody left to stop Kim Jong II.

There's only five of them, team. This should be easy.

They are just as bad as the enemies they fight.

They had flowery meadows and rainbow skies

They have been taken prisoner by Kim Jong II in North Korea.

They jumped all over his body and threw him around like a rag doll

They would happily give their lives for the good of the world,

This audience and I will rise up against you.

This is a peace conference.

This is crazy. I'm an actor, not a spy.

This isn't about sex, Gary, it's about trust.

To a faburous show. But now party's over.

To find out any information you can from the terrorists.

To get to those blueberries.

To kill you and everyone else who lives in a free country.

To lay everything on the line.

To make everybody cry like that?

To stop this whole thing from happening.

To the International World Peace Ceremony.

To throw away all your inhibitions and give 100%.

Tom, it looks like filmmaker Michael Moore

Top gun actor.

Us actors really are.

Usually a case of malignant narcissism brought on during childhood.

Very impressive, warmongers.

Wait. Hold on.

Wait. Hold on.

We are not your enemy, furry ones. You will not attack us.

We better warn everyone. They'll be headed here.

We can change everything and stuff.

We can take out the Derka Derkastanis the old fashioned way.

We gotta split up.

We have to find out who did this and take them down. Fast.

We have to make you a complete soldier in very little time.

We have to stop the ceremony. Kim Jong II is mad.

We must go back to that first night we met, that first issue of trust.

We must take radical action against the fascists in our own country.

We need you to act like a Middle Eastern terrorist right away.

We should all drive hybrid cars.

We stopped the terrorists.

We take weapons later.

We were angry about Cairo.

We will disguise you as a terrorist and take you deep into the Middle East.

We'll be here waiting for you, Kim Jong II.

We'll never pay that bill.

We're all dead.

We're going to take their lives and our own.

We're gonna be unstoppable with you on the team, Gary.

We're gonna break down These barricades.

We're gonna break down These barricades.

We're gonna what?

We're reckless, arrogant, stupid dicks.

We've all done action films.

We've been doing our best to keep the world safe, Gary.

Welcome to Team Base.

Well, being a dick ain't so bad.

Well, fuck you. You want inspection?

Well, I don't want the fucking power!

Well, I'm gonna march on Washington.

Well, inspect that, you buttfucking piece of shit.

Well, you'll probably want to take your own life.

Well, your rittle dream will soon be over.

What do you know about pain and sadness?

What do you know?

What if he's not the great actor Spottswoode says he is?

What makes you think we'll take you back, douchebag?

What the heck do you care? You walked out on her.

What the hell are you doing here?

What the world needs is an international advisory committee

What would a girl like Sarah want with a simple Nebraska boy like me?

What would you do if asked To make the ultimate sacrifice?

What would you do.

What would you do.

What would you do.

What you gonna do When we come for you now?

What, you think I'm just a petty arms dearer?

What? Come on, Martin!

What? You fools. They'll ruin everything.

When he made Pearl Harbor

When I change the world Maybe they'll notice me.

When you see Arec Barrwin,

Who gave up everything they had?

Who is bringing all the world leaders together

Who is to blame for these attacks in Panama?

Who the hell you?

Who truly understands global politics.

Who wants to help them carry out the attack.

Why aren't more people interrigent? Rike me?

Why does Michael Bay Get to keep on making movies?

Why don't you trust actors, Chris?

Why don't you trust actors, Chris?

Why is everyone so fucking stupid?

Why me? Why am I the only one?

Why? What did I do to them? I'm just a Broadway actor.

Why? What reason do you have to believe?

Will perform oral sex on me.

With a double major in theater and world languages.

With nobody to guide them,

Without thinking it through.

Without you, the team is doomed.

World Police. Get down on the ground!

Yeah, a rittle ronery.

Yeah, I'll bet you do.

Yeah, it looks clear.

Yeah, no, I know. It's terrible, terrible.

Yeah, there's a lot of that going around lately.

Yeah.

Yeah. Do you think it's all right?

Yes, 91,100.

Yes, Arec Barrwin. Too bad there won't be a world reft.

Yes, let's get Gary valmorphanized so he can use his acting.

Yes, perhaps you can.

Yes, the ticking crock.

Yes, we can use our powers to change the world.

You all right, Gary?

You are dedicated.

You are the rast of a dying breed, the frag waving American.

You are worthress, Arec Barrwin You are worthress, Arec Barrwin.

You are worthress, Arec Barrwin.

You berieve in true rove and happy endings

You came so close to stopping peace.

You can help us by guarding it and making...

You can't out act me, boy. Don't even try.

You deserve...

You don't understand what Kim Jong II is doing.

You failed in every way And now my stock in you has farren.

You fucked up my whole pran.

You gave up on life, didn't you?

You had me at dicks fuck assholes.

You have not heard the rast of Kim Jong II.

You have to stop it.

You heartless bastard. Why would you do such a thing?

You in the robes. Put down the weapon of mass destruction

You know I can't promise that.

You like Gary?

You lose.

You might have all the others fooled, but not me.

You really made the world a better place, didn't you, F.A.G.?

You remember the signal?

You requested are ready for you to take.

You said you'd never leave.

You see, I'm about to have an eraborate peace ceremony.

You see? All I do is hurt people.

You see? No Prince Charming rode in on a white stallion to save the day.

You shall die a peasant's death!

You shall have a front row seat.

You slept with Gary?

You stupid, naive Team Americans.

You walked out, Gary. The team went on a mission without you.

You were a simple Broadway actor afraid to get in my limo

You will see the true ugriness of human nature.

You?

You'd get your dick and your pussy all covered in shit.

You'll kill them all.

You'll never keep the world leaders distracted here for nine hours.

You're gonna knock them dead, Alec.

You're not in a position to kill anyone, my red, white and brue friend.

You're saying if I do that, you'll let me help the team?

You're the finest actor I've ever met.

You've been at the top of every acting class since you were a child.

Your acting was reckless and it put us all in danger.

Your captors are behind you, Shebas. Show your anger to them.

Your career is starring And you're worthress, Arec Barrwin.

Your countries need you. But the world will be safe,

Your garbage needs some hauring And you're worthress, Arec Barrwin.

Your skills are fading with age, Miss Sarandon.

9/11 times 100? Jesus, that's...

Actors, ho! Helen Hunt.

Alec Baldwin? Gary?

Alec, we have a problem. Team America escaped.

All right, Gary! Told you he was top gun.

All right, Sarah. Yeah, all right, team!

All right, you're alive! Great to hear your voices again.

All right. No, Chris, stay away from her.

America. Fuck, yeah

America. Fuck, yeah.

America. Fuck, yeah.

America. Fuck, yeah.

America. Fuck, yeah.

America. Fuck, yeah.

America. Fuck, yeah.

America. Fuck, yeah.

America. Fuck, yeah.

America. Fuck, yeah.

Baseball. Fuck, yeah.

Baxter? Hey, Team America.

Clear. Clear.

Danny Glover! Come on, Penn.

Dead? They're called terrorists, Gary.

Don't joke about that. Who's joking?

Don't you see? No. I thought you weren't gay.

Even Rocky had a montage. Montage.

Even Rocky had a montage. Montage.

Feel so cold. You have to hang on, Carson.

Five minutes, Mr Baldwin. Thank you.

For I am the great Kim Jong II. Lisa.

Gary, how did you manage this? Spottswoode helped me.

Gary, you've got to take the stage. No. I can't upstage Alec Baldwin.

Girl, we want a montage. Montage.

Going down. God damn it,

Great job, Gary. Thanks. You, too, Steve.

Hang on, Joe. Die, infidels.

He finally popped the question? Lisa, you're an amazing woman.

He's getting away with the WMD! I got him.

He's the best actor in the world. You have to try.

I berieve him. Yeah, me, too.

I didn't plan on it happening, Sarah. Save it, Lisa.

I'm not that good. Actually...

I'm through with this. Gary, you can't go.

I've never seen acting that good. He's amazing.

It must be a Korean sub. Chris, you've gotta take them out.

It takes a montage. Montage.

It's the hope for tomorrow. Fuck, yeah.

It's what? Inevitabre.

Jesus, you mean... Yes.

McDonald's. Fuck, yeah.

My father. AIDS.

My sister. AIDS.

NFL. Fuck, yeah.

No. So then you haven't seen everything.

Oh, come on, man, just a scene. I said, get away from me!

Oh, Jesus, I'm hit! Lisa!

One more time. Inevitabre!

Or fuck when it isn't appropriate. Yes, Gary, yes.

Please, just let me help. You've done enough.

Rock 'n' roll. Fuck, yeah.

Sarah to Team America 4. What you got, Sarah?

Sarah! I sense I'm going down.

Sarah. But you knew I liked Gary.

Say again, Sarah. You're breaking up. Joe, do you copy?

something you don't understand! There has to be another way.

Spottswoode is dead, Gary. Not as dead as you think.

Spottswoode! Yes, I'm here, Joe.

Spottswoode. Johnston?

Susan Sarandon. Oh, thank God.

Team America? God damn it.

That is affirmative. I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E.?

That's called a montage. Montage.

The Gap. Fuck, yeah.

The stage must be that way. No. Joe, Sarah, it's a trap!

They're not stopping. They had their chance.

Very bad I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E. I'm sorry.

Wal Mart. Fuck, yeah.

We must protect the show. Right.

Well, nice to meet you. And you are Gary Johnston.

What are we doing? This jeep is filled with explosives.

What do I do? Hit the big cancel button!

What the hell? Prepare to die.

What will that prove? It will prove that you are truly ready

What? But how can that be?

What? Right here, right now.

What's that? I'm a smoker.

Yeah. We're supposed to be guards. We're guards.

You can't be serious. Oh, I am serious.

You need a montage. Montage.

You need a montage. Montage.

'Cause now you have to answer to.

'Cause now you have to answer to.

'Cause now you have to answer to.