Superstore (2015) - Season 1 Edit

A flock of ducks into the store.

A secret shopper?

Ace. They're calling me Ace now.

Actually, kid, that's a lot more insightful

Against hanging flyers.

Ah. I'm on the phone.

All right, Marcus is in court today

All right, you're gonna want to go to aisle 16,

All right.

All the associates got raises.

Although, I did come to you first.

Although, these bolts are pretty rusty.

Am I imagining things,

Am I in trouble?

Am I? Sure, yeah.

Amy!

And apparently what I wanted to do with my life

And for your mom's surgery.

And Garrett is a sexual predator

And I don't remember there being so many levers.

And I hate to even mention this,

And I know what you're thinking.

And if you'd like, I could model some of the options for you.

And saw they were hiring, and...

And so I stopped at this random store in St. Louis

And still not know how to do it in real life, so...

And then grab a mop?

And then I noticed Jonah's car has Illinois plates.

And then I wanted a snack,

And then stock Charcoal in Patio.

And then straight, uh... oh.

And then you don't.

And waved around... yeah, money.

And when he was done, everyone who was a dick to him

Anyone has ever been cocky about.

Anyway, are we thinking Panama hat?

Are you sure you don't want any help?

As if it meant you were smarter than me or something.

As if.

Attention, Cloud 9 shoppers.

Baba Booey, Baba Booey!

Bad news, though. Jonah hates meatballs.

Because I don't think that raccoon ever left us.

Because I have a pretty good memory for faces,

Because I've been studying the manual for my certification.

Because it would be really embarrassing

Because Jonah is a secret employee.

Because they don't have the kind I like here.

Bed, Bath, and Beyonce! Huh?

Before you go to Glenn, all right?

Being surpassed by your protégé.

Billy Joel? Everybody's into Billy Joel.

Boring. Wait.

Bummer. Who died?

But I guess they felt they had to honor me somehow.

But I think there's, like, a store policy

But I'm just kind of one of those guys

But I'm now trying to do a better job of saying it.

But I've started taking college courses.

But maybe it was my mistake.

But no one your age is throwing their money away on a new bed.

But now is no longer the time of Amy.

But then again, I got a 93

But there really is a policy.

But this secret shopper, okay?

But when the Chili Peppers come to town,

But you haven't done anything really impressive lately.

But, hey, that's why I always

By the end, I didn't really know him anymore.

Can I see a death certificate?

Charcoal doesn't go in Patio anymore

Cloud 9 headquarters.

Compared to Richmond Heights.

Condolence cards, huh?

Copy that

Corporate sent a secret shopper

Deckard was not a replicant.

Did I hear you ask about men's hats?

Dildos are on sale for 69 cents in aisle 69.

Director's Cut doesn't count!

Do you know what else is in Illinois?

Do you know what he said to me

Do you know what people like to do

Do you, um... do you need a hand...

Doing backbreaking work in the stockroom.

Doing some regular pet food shopping.

Don't think you know this job better than me

Dr. Cool?

Each of those items in that basket.

Eat soft shell crab.

Enough, all right?

Especially the manager.

Even the manager?

Every answer right on the test.

Excuse me, could you tell me where I can find the...

Excuse me, Dina? Have you seen Jonah?

Excuse me. Where can I find the charcoal?

Fine, whatever.

Fired everyone.

First time in our store?

Floor Supervisor.

Follow up question:

For a dog fighting ring.

For more important announcements.

For my punk band; I think this is fine.

For special occasions.

For their grills in Patio.

From Mr. 100 here.

From that bakery down on Birch.

From that place he always calls "an unassuming gem."

Funny. You don't look *******.

Garrett, what up?

Get off!

Given that you just started working here...

God, you smell like you're from Chicago.

Good luck.

Got fired.

Got it, got it.

Grill, and our customers are used to finding charcoal

Grocery.

Guess you're just a regular customer

Have a heavenly day.

Have you seen Jonah?

He likes cakes

He loves the cakes with coconut on them.

He said, "I can't do that."

He was talking to Glenn in his office.

He'll make your day o!

Hello, Chicago.

Here you are.

Hey, all things considered,

Hey, bozo, we're using the intercom!

Hey, I need that!

Hey, so, uh...

Hey, uh, are we sold out of charcoal?

Hey.

Hmm.

Hmm. You don't look very upset.

How about just Amy?

How about Little Miss "On Time"?

How about you hang these nifty signs

How do you get especially fired?

How many years of sleeping do you even have left?

How?

Howard Stern for president!

I almost forgot to ask.

I am your supervisor.

I can always sniff out a fake.

I can help you with that.

I can't listen to

I could think of a nickname for you too,

I didn't know I was trailing crackers.

I didn't want to be there anyway.

I don't know what's happening here.

I don't know. 93 is pretty impressive.

I don't know. I thought she was the secret shopper.

I don't think I'm smarter than you.

I don't understand what's gotten into you.

I don't want anyone to start acting weird around him.

I flunked out of business school...

I got 100.

I got some meatballs

I got that answer right on the test.

I got to hand it to that guy. He's good.

I heard the Maplewood Commons got a secret shopper too.

I I don't know...

I I don't think I need a death certificate

I just hope for your sake,

I just meant, you're not very good at your job.

I just said I am.

I keep a tin of candies in here

I know a camera when I see a camera.

I know how to do my job.

I know how to operate a forklift.

I know that because I got

I know you're not smarter than me.

I know.

I know. It's so embarrassing.

I mean, I'm being cool.

I mean, I've always wondered why an educated,

I mean, let's be honest.

I mean, now it makes sense how he beat my score

I repeat...

I see what you're doing, and you're right.

I think I got that...

I think you handled that pretty well.

I told them not to put that up there,

I took a long drive.

I was just 28 and trying to figure out

I wonder if they'll send one here.

I would love for them to send a secret shopper.

I would say we should just get up and walk away

I wouldn't be surprised if he had CIA training.

I wouldn't have batted an eye.

I wouldn't have done that if you were a man.

I'd know.

I'll definitely... I'll tell whoever you want, yeah.

I'll get him.

I'll tell you what's happening.

I'm getting a raise!

I'm gonna say this one more time.

I'm his boss.

I'm investigating.

I'm just gonna come out and say it.

I'm not gonna live in fear of some corporate spy.

I'm not stupid.

I'm so glad we had this conversation.

I'm spinning!

I've been on hold for 40.

I've been waiting for help for, like, 20 minutes.

If anything you're about to say

If it didn't work out,

Immediately!

In Chicago.

In my brain.

Includes the words "brave," "courageous,"

Is if he doesn't even know he's a secret shopper.

Is there a manager I could speak with?

Is this your way of apologizing?

Is, if you'd just stayed in Pharmacy,

It goes in Grocery.

It was stupid.

It's a dog.

It's all coming back to me.

It's just been a while,

It's like riding a four ton bicycle.

It's the closest thing I could find to an olive branch.

It's very distinctive looking.

It's very intuitive.

Jonah likes it too. Jonah likes it too.

Jonah to Patio...

Jonah, do you know why I called you in here?

Jonah!

Jonah?

Jonah?

Just because you did well on some stupid test

Just like a regular Joe, huh?

Just play nice with Jonah.

Just to buy a card.

Just, next time, come to me first

Kirkwood got a secret shopper, but they did well.

Last time I saw that little piece,

Let's talk about why you need

Like Harrison Ford in "Blade Runner."

Like they were lifted up into the air

Like they were the secret shopper?

Like we didn't know any of this happened.

Look who knows a lot about Cloud 9 store policies.

Look, I haven't told anyone here this

Look, I'm sorry for going over your head like that.

Looks like you've got an answer for everything.

Make sure that you actually are.

Man, the camera loves me.

Mateo, those scores don't mean anything.

Mateo.

May... maybe I never really knew him.

Maybe this does something...

Maybe you shouldn't tell me how to do my job.

Mist.

Mm hmm, yeah. That same one.

Mm.

My pocket was ripped.

Nah, he just stays like that for another 20 minutes.

Nah, that's never gonna work.

Never talks about what he was doing before this job?

No

No, I'm sorry. I didn't mean it to sound bad.

No, no, no, I'll do it. I'll... I'll...

No, no, no, no! You have to raise...

No, no. No. No, thank you.

No, no. You can tell me.

No, now is the time of Ace.

No, that was me giving you

No, they're where tampons normally are.

No, you guys go wild. I never want this to end.

No. No boyfriend.

None of that white chocolate stuff.

Nope. Wasn't thinking that.

Not with a secret shopper in our mist.

Oh, Ace? Wow.

Oh, my God.

Oh, no. I've been here before.

Oh, okay. Well, thank you.

Oh, right.

Oh, sorry.

Oh, soybeans.

Oh, that's great, but, you know,

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh...

Okay, Ace, why don't you give it a shot?

Okay, all right.

Okay, coconut cake, bakery on Birch.

Okay, guys, nothing else matters

Okay, just thought I'd ask,

Okay, thank you.

Okay, well, remember to ask for Mateo.

Okay, your turn.

Okay!

Okay.

Okay.

Okay. Have at it.

Okay. I'm on my way.

Okay. Let's keep this under our hats.

Olives?

On my last corporate policy test,

On that test; He probably wrote the test.

On your face, right?

One second.

Or "girl power," please don't talk.

Or did I ask you to stock the charcoal in Patio?

Or maybe you should leave the intercom open

Or should we just continue to destroy the stockroom?

Our manager seems to think I'm very insightful.

Privileged pretty boy would decide to work here.

Probably not that good a friend.

Pssh. I ain't even gonna tell you.

Really?

Really?

Right there...

Right, right, of course.

Say, what type of pet do you have?

Shouldn't we just be doing things by the book?

Since I've personally tested every hat we sell,

Sir, excuse me.

So I need you to help zone Clearance

So I'll just leave you to your shopping.

So is there anything you want to talk about?

So it was a little annoying

So nothing but net.

So sorry, not sorry. I'm not here to make friends.

So unless we want to spend the next few weeks being MapQuest,

So what does this mean for us?

So what'd you do?

So, um, you went over my head to Glenn?

Sometimes you can memorize a textbook for something

Spent a little time at The Farm.

Stop! Stop!

Strong words from a guy who led

Sure it is.

Testifying against his grandmother,

Than anything Jonah's got to say today.

Thank... thank you.

Thanks.

That charcoal is supposed to be in Grocery now.

That likes to keep his job, so...

That things seem to work out for.

That's a nickname that we came up with.

That's cool. I won't tell.

That's the sound of victory.

That's what's so annoying.

The "Blade Runner" debate one more time.

The chance to apologize to me.

The corporate plant was an employee.

The kind of guy you trust with a lot of money or...

The one you're always talking about?

The only way a secret shopper's getting past me

The point is, I wasn't there for him

The printers are right underneath...

The secret shopper isn't one of us.

The test doesn't make me think I know better.

The test is empirical proof that I do know better

Then explain the friggin' unicorn!

There'll be money for the houseboat

These kinds of things personally.

They are wickedly sour.

They could have totally fallen by themselves.

They did last time, right?

Things got a little out of hand back there.

This has got to be the lamest thing

This is my favorite part.

This is supposed to be one of the last

This must be really bittersweet for you,

To the Richmond Heights store.

Trilby? Tricorn?

Try to be nice to all my coworkers,

Turn... I'm not touching anything!

Turns out they had a meth lab in their basement,

Uh huh. Uh huh.

Uh, a friend of mine.

Uh, I got this, man.

Uh, let me tell you about myself...

Uh, no.

Uh, so I guess now I restock these...

Uh, who's this hat for? A boyfriend?

Um, I I don't think so.

Um, is there anything else I can help you with?

Um, Jonah? Jonah.

Unconvicted, but we all know.

Unless you want to spend the rest of your day

Very convincing.

Wah!

Wait, is it mist or midst?

Warm weekends of the year.

Was he a vegetarian or normal?

Was rack up a whole bunch of debt.

We all just need to stay cool about this, right?

We don't want to make any mistakes,

We need a plan.

We'll make the switch after grilling season.

We're out of Nosey the Anteater.

Well, at the Penrose store,

Well, I could take you over there personally.

Well, luckily, we still scored pretty well

Well, no one's panicking. That's a good sign.

Well, no, but now that's all I can think about.

Well, no, it just sort of came up in conversation...

Well, sure, but I just figured he was a criminal.

Well, thank God he did.

Well, that was a hurtfully exaggerated "really."

Well, that's...

Well, well, well.

Well, you must have forgotten mine.

Well.

Wh... wait, wait. What does that mean?

What did he love? What kind of music was he into?

What do you mean, Dear?

What I mean, "Dear,"

What I wanted to do with my life.

What if there is no secret shopper?

What if we treated every customer

What is going on?

What the was that?

What was your friend's name?

What you doing in here?

What you watching? Stuff?

What?

What? Didn't he...

What? What's wrong with you?

What's your cat's name?

Whatever it takes to see the Peppers.

When he needed me the most.

When I asked him if he was going to fire you?

When the weather is nice?

When you started rubbing that stupid test in my face

Where are tampons? Electronics?

Where would I find men's hats?

Whew. That's a relief.

Which one were the gorillas in again?

Which, turns out, was just a front

Why are they always improving things?

Why are you even walking around

Why are you getting meatballs for Jonah?

Why don't we have this discussion in person?

Why don't you take your own advice?

Why? Am I in trouble?

Will do, uh, so... so real quick,

Will Jonah please report to Patio immediately?

With a secret employee?

With crackers in your pocket?

Workules?

Would you be willing to tell people about that?

Wow.

Yeah, but with all the secret shopper stuff,

Yeah, I don't think so.

Yeah, I'm not, like, looking for a new bassist

Yeah, it's a terrible idea.

Yeah, obstructed view is fine.

Yeah, right.

Yeah, so next time, do a better job of it.

Yeah, that was cute and funny.

Yeah, that's why his nickname is "The Rapist."

Yeah, they cleaned house after.

Yeah, you just said that.

Yeah? Sweetie, great news.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah. A big one.

Yes, but sometimes you say you're going to do things,

Yes, that's because

Yes!

You are preaching to the choir.

You are saying something that is true to you.

You do what it takes.

You don't still use MapQuest, do you?

You ever think that corporate is spying on us

You hear that?

You know that's not a stress ball, right?

You know they just sent the same guy

You know what he does like?

You know what? I'm good.

You know you're just asking someone to draw a penis

You know, I think I deserve a raise.

You know, if you weren't my boss,

You know, they say my head looks amazing in hats.

You know, you could stand to learn something

You notice how Jonah

You... you...

You'd be surprised how many of our employees have been.

You're a little ass kissing face.

You're a secret shopper, aren't you?

You're gonna have to do better than that.

You're just lucky that Jonah doesn't take

You're just one of those guys

Your cover's been blown, sweetheart.

Absolutely. Really?

Better job. Yeah.

Can I get back to work? Yeah.

Cockapoo... How old?

Come on! You're crazy.

Cool? No, not cool!

Four... Gender?

Girl. Well..

Glenn told me... Jonah reminded me

Got it, I'm on it. That's what I'm talking about.

Grocery. Hmm.

He came up with. Yeah.

Hey, Glenn? Hmm?

I don't understand... How did he die?

It did not go well. I think the screen froze.

It's a dog. What kind?

It's a lemon. Let me have my process.

It's a plush toy... Yeah, I know who Nosey is.

It's for my dad. Tight, tight.

It's just going! Stop turning.

Like money? No.

Like this? God, oh, God.

No. No. I don't think that's it.

Oh, good. It's fine.

Oh! Get out of the way! Get out of the way!

Okay, okay. Turn it off.

Penis, penis, penis! Karen Figoletto is a skank!

Shh, shh, shh, shh.

So? There are raises on the line.

Sorry, not this! Turn it off!

Stop! Oh!

They're crushing the... Oh, okay, okay.

Um...

What? Doesn't like 'em.

What? Excuse me?

Yeah. So, um...

'Cause he can't.