Deadpool (2016) Edit

A heavily armed child.

A hush falls over the crowd

A little nugget of romaine lettuce or something.

A multi car collision turned shots fired

A red suit. A red suit.

A Yogurtland rewards card?

About the size of a KFC spork.

About to stand in front of a girl...

Absolutely not. It got lost in translation.

Adrenaline acts as a catalyst for the serum...

After a brief adjustment period...

After all this, you can't fix me?

Ah, and I share that home with someone you've met,

Ah, bullshit!

Ah, deep breath, darling.

Ah, Dopinder.

Ah, I can't believe I'm doing this.

Ah, made you look.

Ah, my welcome speech used to be full of euphemisms like...

Ah, this must be Vanessa.

Ah, this must be Vanessa.

Ah, yes. Gita.

Ah, you weak motherfucker!

Ah!

Ah! Damn it!

Aha!

Al?

All in good time.

All right, Kahlua, Baileys and...

All right, move. Move, move, move.

All right, then. Fire!

All right. Okay.

All right. Yeah, just... Ow.

All the dinosaurs feared the T. rex.

All the way through Z.

All things I can live without.

All year?

All you need now is a suit and a nickname...

Also scorched my nerve endings, so I no longer feel pain.

Am I crazy, or is your hand really small?

Amazing character. Bionic arm, time travel.

And a bunch of drinks...

And a convivial Tuesday in April to you too, Pool!

And a low fat dessert.

And auction you off to the highest bidder.

And by we, I mean you.

And fuck the brain hole.

And Gail, she still fixing that tuna casserole?

And he just wasn't having it.

And he's gone. Poof!

And I am orbiting fucking Saturn right now.

And I got an offer that you can't refuse.

And I hope you're watching...

And I think she's in love with me.

And I will take the pencil eraser.

And I'm after someone on my naughty list.

And I'm gonna boom box Careless Whisper outside your window.

And let me tell you,

And little Meghan, she's not made of money,

And manifest in a spectacular fashion.

And never let go.

And now you spend your days

And now, for the moment I've all been waiting for.

And personally sees to four

And please don't make the super suit green.

And prevent this shit from happening to someone else.

And tell her...

And tell him it's from Boothe. Little foreplay.

And that was the only catharsis

And that's where we'll leave you.

And the doctor says, Four, three, two...

And the only guy who can fix this fugly mug...

And then dying. Like the city of Detroit.

And then, win Gita back...

And there were all these new experimental drugs from Germany.

And this one.

And to tell it right...

And under no circumstances will I take you to that show.

And wave you out the door?

And we all know how this turned out.

And what about next month's shipment?

And what did he do to you, Mr. Pool?

And what's more, give you abilities most men only dream of?

And when life ends up breathtakingly fucked...

And yeah, technically, this is a murder.

And you are?

And you can erase stuff...

And you will learn in the worst of ways

And you, chicken noodle...

And your Bernadette, and your me.

And your right leg is Christmas...

And your right leg is Christmas...

And, in fact, I no longer feel anything.

And, uh, we're like two jigsaw pieces,

Anyhoo, tell me something...

Anything on my bucket list would involve public nudity.

Anyway, big secret. Shh...

Anyway, I got places to be, a face to fix and, oh...

Apparently, I made you immortal.

Are you here for the turndown service, or what?

Are you sure?

Are You There God? It's Me, Margaret.

Aren't you a little strong for a lady?

As a sandpaper dildo.

As rookie sensation Wade W. Wilson...

Assembling the Borje, but this is holding my interest.

Asshole!

At least now I'm gonna win the dead pool.

At some point you have to wonder if he's just a bad parent.

Baby, about 48 minutes of whatever the fuck you want.

Bactin?

Bad Deadpool.

Bad guys to kill.

Baghdad, Mogadishu, Jacksonville,

Balls in holes.

Balls in holes.

Ban who?

Bandhu?

Be a hero.

Be a superhero.

Because I want to.

Because I'm constantly stalking that fox.

Because it sounds suspiciously made up.

Because you look like Freddy Krueger

Because you're not going anywhere.

Bernadette is not going anywhere,

Besides luring children into a panel van.

Besides, I just realized something.

Besides... Nobody's getting hurt.

Better find her fast before numbnuts does.

Blind to life's imperfections.

Bob?

Boothe got hit then went down.

Boothe! Oh!

Boothe.

Breakfast is most important meal of day.

Brings out the bloodshot in your eyes.

Brownie mix and clown porn.

Buck, go rest.

Buck, you best apologize before...

Buck! Liefeld...

Bump fuzzies for money?

Buried somewhere in the apartment...

But at least fuckface won't heal from that.

But Bandhu is more craftier and handsomer than me.

But he'd rather act like a child.

But he's bad for business.

But I can tell you one thing, and it's a bit of a secret.

But I knew there was only one way that I could save hers.

But I'm a... A stalker.

But I've grown blunt.

But if I ever hit fuck it, I'll look you up.

But it could be anybody.

But it does rhyme with Polverine.

But lucky for her...

But not a good one, like Slap Chop.

But only because you haven't gotten around to asking me.

But red looks good on you.

But some of the best love stories start with a murder.

But the douchebag does thinks you're dead, right?

But there was only one thing...

But until then, I'mma do what I came here to do.

But what it does to the people you love.

But you can rent it for three minutes.

But you did, asshole!

But you're a fighter. Special Forces.

But you're no lady.

But your 48 minutes are up.

But your mood's never gonna brighten

But, baby, the guy under this mask,

Can I help you ladies?

Can we go?

Can we trade names?

Canada!

Captain Deadpool...

Catching him was my only chance

Cease fire!

Cease fire!

Chechnya. Isn't that where you go to get cancer?

Climb on!

Cock juggling...

Cock shot!

Cock shot.

Colossus, wait up.

Come here, you fat fuck!

Come here.

Come on, get it together.

Come on, let's go.

Come on, Wade, it can't be that bad.

Come on, Wade. Language.

Come on!

Coming together to form one super robot.

Coming together to form one super robot.

Commando!

Con: They're all lame ass teacher's pets.

Consider joining his boy band.

Cool?

Could be Mel Gibson, Dolph Lundgren...

Cuddle?

Cue the music.

Daddy left before I was born.

Daddy left before I was conceived.

Damn straight.

Dangerous, and wearing...

Dead or alive, you're coming with me!

Dead pool.

Deadpool may try to break yours.

Deadpool.

Deadpool.

Deal.

Did I leave the stove on?

Did I say this was a love story?

Did she just put a gift card in your mouth?

Ding ding.

Do you happen to know a Meghan Orflosky?

Do you have off switch?

Do you like what you see?

Does he write you notes too?

Domestic, nothing imported.

Don't hesitate to call me.

Don't make me ask twice.

Don't worry, baby...

Don't worry. I'm totally on top of this.

Dopinder, I'm starting to think

Dopinder, this is no way to win Gita's heart back!

Dopinder. Hmm?

Downside of being blind...

Drink.

Drop Bandhu off, safe and gentle like.

Each more painful than the last...

Easy, Angel.

Easy, man. Hold up! Hold up!

Easy.

Either that or slap the bitch outta you!

El Cancer. Oh.

Empire.

Ends with the wrong guy getting dismembered!

Especially from this angle.

Ever had a cigarette put out on your skin?

Every night we spoon for warmth.

Every time I see her, it's like the first time...

Everybody fights for Noelle. She's the fattest.

Everyone thinks it's a full time job.

Everything else falls away.

Except she's old, and black, and blind.

Except we knock out the teeth and take the cash.

Excuse me. Whoo!

F, R, A, N, C, I...

Face fucked a topographical map of Utah.

Finally, giving Meredith Baxter Birney a Dutch oven.

Find Francis. Star in horror films.

Find it! Find it. What?

Fine.

Fine. Fists.

Finish fucking her the fuck up!

Five mini lion bots? Three minutes.

Floor space, dental floss, even condoms.

Followed by mean comments, followed by more silences.

For a second there,

For everything, I'm sorry for leaving...

For it to work we need to subject you to extreme stress.

For the next four moments.

For the sequel, we're gonna have Cable.

For you? 10.

Found out who our friend in the red suit is.

Four or five moments, that's all it takes.

Four or five moments.

Fourth wall break inside a fourth wall break.

Francis!

Francis?

Francis...

Fuck it. I got this.

Fuck me!

Fuck, you're old.

Fuck! Fuck!

Fuck! Hey, um...

Fuck. Fuck!

Fucking hell.

Fucking mutant.

Fucking Wade Wilson.

Fully loaded.

FYI, five mini lion bots come together

FYI, I could probably get you the superhero discount.

Get it through your head or get out of fuck town.

Get out of here. Go make yourself useful!

Get out of the way!

Gita's heart has been stolen by my cousin Bandhu.

Give it up for Chastity!

Go get her, tiger.

Go get Silver Balls.

Go to work a hero.

Go, go, go.

Go. Go.

God damn it!

God, come here, you.

God, he's so fucking gnarly.

God, if I had a nickel for every time

Good one.

Got it? Yeah.

Gotcha.

Gridlock has kept police from the scene.

Ha!

Had my eye on this sucker for a while.

Had sex with an older, more disgusting avocado.

Hakuna his tatas. He's sorry.

Hang in there, baby!

Happy Chinese New Year.

Happy Halloween.

Happy Lent.

Happy Valentine's Day.

Has agreed to do me this solid.

Have fun at your midnight showing of Blade II.

Have you decided what you're gonna say to her?

He ain't the same one that you remember.

He can't do the one thing I'm keeping him alive for?

He can't.

He got Ajax from the dish soap.

He is as dishonorable as he is attractive.

He made me ask twice.

He wore the brown pants.

He's all yours.

He's got a nice pair of smooth criminals down under.

He's got my girl.

He's pure evil.

He's such a romantic.

Heads up.

Here we go.

Here, check it out.

Here? Now? Just kidding.

Here. This is Vanessa.

Here's what I'm actually gonna do.

Hey, and I ain't taking any babysitting money, all right?

Hey, don't take any shit from him, Cunningham.

Hey, douche pool!

Hey, hey, careful with that, Ronnie Milsap!

Hey, how many more minutes can I get for this?

Hey, is Ajax your actual name?

Hey, think you could fuck up my step dad?

Hey, uh, they've made three of those movies.

Hey, Wade!

Hey, wait!

Hey, what can I get for, uh, $275 and a...

Hey, what's going on?

Hey, you're not supposed to be behind the bar.

Hey!

Hey.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey. Hands off the merchandise.

Hey. Sorry.

High enough to trigger a mutation.

Hip deep in hookers.

His drink's on him.

His form looks good.

Hmm, it's bad.

Hmm, nice.

Hmm.

Hmm. She is quite lovely.

Hop in! Great day for a ride.

Hopefully you, later tonight?

House blowing up builds character.

How about a crisp high five?

How about now?

How about three shots of Patron?

How can I help you?

How do you know she's in here?

How long can you keep this up?

How tough can he be...

How's that Kullen coming along?

Huh.

I bet it feels huge in this hand.

I can go all day, Dopinder. The point is, it's bad!

I can tell you exactly...

I can't even tell you...

I can't tell you,

I could cure them...

I deserved that. That, too.

I did not tell him to do that.

I did!

I didn't even know sleep.

I didn't just get the cure to el cancer...

I didn't just get the cure to el cancer...

I didn't know what to do. I was so scared.

I didn't order the pizza.

I do.

I don't know about anyone else, but I'm touched.

I don't know the name.

I don't know. Might further the plot.

I don't really know what that means. I don't have a cat.

I don't wanna see that or think of it again.

I dreamt I kidnapped his daughter

I encourage distractions.

I feel just like a little girl.

I forgot my ammo bag.

I get it.

I get why you're so pissy...

I give you a Blow Job.

I got a plan. You're not gonna like it.

I got a soft spot.

I got it, Weas. Thanks.

I gotta take you back to long before

I had a Liam Neeson nightmare.

I hear everything in this duplex.

I hear you grow back body parts now, Wade.

I heard you might be able to point me

I heard you might be able to point me

I hope they blocked pain to your every last nerve.

I just realized I'm never gonna win the, uh...

I just wanna get to know the real you, you know.

I knew it was you.

I know it's been decades.

I like a challenge.

I love you, Wade Wilson.

I love you.

I love you.

I manage this workshop.

I mean, if you could die.

I mean, that's why I brought her?

I mean, the line gets real... blurry.

I need all the guns!

I need guns.

I never win anything.

I plan to gut him like a tandoori fish,

I promise this gets worse for you, big boy!

I raided my stash of wisdom tooth Percocet...

I sense clowns.

I should have come and found you sooner.

I spanked it to Bernadette Peters.

I squeezed this ass into red spandex.

I suppose I'd wear a mask too if I had a face like that.

I suppose we will.

I swear to God, I will find you in the next life...

I think we can all agree that shit just went sideways

I think we owe him that one, yeah?

I thought it was chocolate yogurt for so long.

I told Howie, I told him that...

I told you, we're going with the Urvaj, not the Borje.

I tried the hero business and it left a mark.

I understand you've recently been diagnosed with terminal cancer.

I want you to remember me.

I was a patient here once myself, you know.

I was gonna spend the night

I was molested.

I was traveling to exotic places...

I was way worse than him when I was his age.

I wasn't talking to you. I was talking to them.

I watched my own birthday party

I will shoot your fucking cat!

I wish I never heard of Craigslist.

I wouldn't do that if I were you.

I... God, I hope not. Um...

I... I never carry a wallet when I'm working.

I'd have taken an Hemnes or a Trysil over the Hurdal.

I'd hit that.

I'd love a Blow Job.

I'd rather be anywhere than here.

I'd really like to light a spliff

I'll send your shiny, happy ass a friend request.

I'll take the footlong...

I'm a monster inside and out. I belong in a fucking circus.

I'm actually quite jealous.

I'm all about long sullen silences...

I'm calling wang.

I'm gonna do this the old fashioned way...

I'm gonna get angry. Okay. All right.

I'm gonna wait out here, okay?

I'm here for you.

I'm injecting you with a serum...

I'm just a bad guy who gets paid to fuck up worse guys.

I'm just excited about my first day at superhero camp.

I'm looking for Francis!

I'm not here for him.

I'm not the same underneath this suit, either.

I'm so proud of you.

I'm so sorry.

I'm sorry for not cowboying up sooner.

I'm sorry you've had such a tough go.

I'm sorry?

I'm sorry. Breathe through the nose.

I'm sorry. I just... I wanted to win money.

I'm sure they're all FDA approved.

I'm sure.

I'm the only one who can fix your ugly mug.

I'm thinking pork and beans.

I'm touching myself tonight.

I'm working on it.

I'mma get you out of that shit box.

I've been trying to tell you assholes,

I've been waiting one year, three weeks...

I've cured you, Wade.

I've heard so much about you.

I've merely raised your stress levels

I've never said this, but don't swallow.

I've seen this girl.

Ideally, for others' sake.

If I never see you again,

If not, well, we'll have to keep on hurting you...

If this doesn't unlock your mutation, then, well...

If wearing superhero tights...

If you could see me, you'd understand.

If you know what I'm talking about.

If your brainwaves slow,

If your heart rate slows...

IKEA doesn't assemble itself, you know.

In case the other fell off.

In exchange for preferential, bordering on gentle...

In exchange, I said that I would

In five minutes!

In my case, it enhanced my reflexes.

In new and different ways,

In the direction of a, um, friend of mine.

In the meantime,

In the meantime,

In the most colossal way.

Into men of extraordinary abilities.

Is a sense of humor.

Is Francis?

Is it burnt crust?

Is it more sexist to not hit you?

Is it sexist to hit you?

Is sweet dick kicking revenge.

Is that what you think?

Is that you can't really step it up from there.

Is the British shitstick who ran the mutant factory.

Is the mask muffling my voice?

Is there a word for half afraid, half angry?

Is this 7348 Red Ledge Drive? Are you Mr. Merchant?

Isn't that what superheroes do?

It felt like we were three mini lion robots...

It made Angel inhumanly strong.

It smells like old lady pants in here.

It sounds even stupider when you say it.

It was pretty much 24/7 ball gags,

It's a face...

It's a private institution that turns reclamation projects like yourself...

It's a total dick move.

It's an improvement on the Hurdal.

It's because he's earned it.

It's been bothering me for a long time.

It's been rough couple of years.

It's important not to do anything rash.

It's like a job fair for mercenaries.

It's like he mouth sexed a can of helium.

It's like I made you in a computer.

It's my job. Recruitment.

It's over. Go home.

It's time to put balls in holes.

It's to wash the taste out.

It's tough to forget being so impressive.

Jacksonville. Fridays. Since TGI Fridays.

Jeremy, I belong to a group of guys

Jesus Christ.

Jesus Christ. You sound like Vanessa.

Jiminy! Fuck face!

Join us. Use your powers for good.

Just a little light stalking.

Just Deadpool, yeah. Just Deadpool.

Just give us a second. Yeah.

Just promise you'll do right by me.

Just promise...

Just ride a bitch's back, like Yoda on Luke.

Just take it slow.

Keira Knightley. She's got range. Who knows.

Kelly, Kelly, Kelly...

Kidnap her.

Killing them. Yeah, I've seen your Instagram.

Knock 'em dead, Pool Boy!

Ladies and gentlemen, what you're witnessing...

Leave a message and have a happy day.

Let go. Okay. Hey, oh, oh, oh...

Let me guess.

Let us go talk to the Professor.

Let's count them down.

Let's dance.

Let's just say it's beginning to look a lot like Christmas.

Let's not forget naked tandem base jumping

Let's recap.

Let's see how he fights with your head on the block.

Let's see. All right, wee break.

Let's try to kill each other.

Life is an endless series of train wrecks...

Like a Band Aid, just give it a...

Like a cockroach...

Like a jigsaw puzzle.

Like a testicle with teeth.

Like it's the first time I'm seeing it.

Like the kind of stupid who admits

Like the kind where your year long plan

Like two hobos fucking in a shoe filled with piss. Okay, enough.

Like Wade the Wisecracker...

Like you've been pitching, not catching.

Like, a Yakov Smirnoff opening for the

Listen, I've been thinking...

Little secret, Wade.

Local dry cleaning discounts.

Look at his face.

Look away, child.

Look how happy you look here.

Look, Colossus, I don't have time for

Look, would it help if I slow it down for you?

Look! I'm a teenage girl.

Looking good, Francis. Well rested.

Looks are everything.

Looks aren't everything.

Looks like someone lost his shot at Homecoming King.

Lower the oxygen concentration in the air...

Lucrative film deals, both origin stories

Lungs, prostate, and brain.

M'lady?

Make It Big is the album that George and Andy earned the exclamation point.

Make sure that gets back to Ms...

Making banana pancakes for my kids.

Maximum effort.

Maximum effort.

Maybe just mow the occasional lawn.

McAvoy or Stewart?

Me and you are headed to fix this butterface.

Me too. Uncle.

Me? I'm memorizing the details of her face.

Means sparing psychopaths...

Merchandise? Huh...

Merry Christmas.

Mind if I keep this? Put it up,

Mitch? The Rickster?

Mmm... Meghan?

Moments when you're offered a choice.

More Shake Weight y.

Motherfucker, you're the world's worst friend.

Motherfucker!

Motherfucker!

Motherfucker.

Motherfucking...

Move it! Keep moving.

Mr. Wilson, my name's Ajax.

Mr. Wilson?

Mr. Wilson.

Mr. Wilson.

Mr. Wilson...

Must be good with hands.

My boyfriend said this was a superhero movie...

My first request is warmer hands.

My old boyfriend, he's dead.

My romantic rival Bandhu. He's tied up in the trunk.

Nah, nah... Come on. Let's go. Cough it up.

Name of Wade Wilson.

Negasonic Teenage Warhead.

Negasonic Teenage... What the shit?

Negasonic! Come, we have mission.

Never heard that before.

New drugs are being developed every day.

Nice try, Wade.

No no no no. That I ain't!

No one is boom boxing shit. Okay?

No way. I'm not making her life as ugly as mine.

No, I'm gonna wait till this arm plows through puberty...

No, I'm gonna wait till this arm plows through puberty...

No, it's a horror movie.

No, no time.

No, no, no. Wham!

No, no. All right. Hey!

No, no. It's okay.

No, you know that bad guy that you let go?

No!

No! Please!

No.

No.

No.

No.

No.

No.

No. No. No.

No. Receiving a Dutch oven from Meredith Baxter Birney.

No. Trainee.

Nobody wins today.

Nope. Never will be.

Not because I need to.

Not everyone monitors a hall like you.

Not gently. Like it was hate fucking.

Not if there's nothing left of him to heal.

Not often a dude ruins your face...

Not out of the woods yet.

Not the Daffodil Daydream. The girl.

Not the ghost of Christmas me.

Not the short shorted, two dimensional

Nothing compares to you.

Nothing warms my heart more than a change of someone else's.

Now it's 89. About to be 90.

Now that you're gonna die tragically of cancer.

Now there's a brave face.

Now there's a brave face.

Now this little piggy went to...

Now, breaking news.

Now, I may not feel, but he does.

Now, I'm about to do to you

Now, I'm gonna shut you in again, Wade.

Now, let's finish this epic wide shot. Pull out.

Nowhere.

Of assholes named Francis, where would I hide?

Of course.

Of some creepy, old, bald, Heaven's Gate looking motherfucker...

Of your five shittiest moments.

Off the Olympic torch.

Off you go.

Oh, and I thought you guys were dicks before.

Oh, come on.

Oh, God, me too.

Oh, God! I'm so sorry!

Oh, he's not a bad kid, Weas.

Oh, hello. I know, right?

Oh, I do hope so.

Oh, I so pity the dude who pressures her into prom sex.

Oh, I'm gonna rip his motherfucking...

Oh, I'mma fuckin' spell it out for ya.

Oh, my God, I haven't seen you since...

Oh, my God! That was so...

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Wade?

Oh, no, finish your tweet. It's not... That's...

Oh, no, I didn't get excited till I saw the Kullen.

Oh, shit!

Oh, shit.

Oh, shit.

Oh, Star Wars jokes.

Oh, that must hurt.

Oh, there's the money shot, baby.

Oh, um...

Oh, wait.

Oh, well.

Oh, you never left.

Oh, you smell like shit.

Oh, you're expecting a teaser for Deadpool 2.

Oh, your poor wife.

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh! And, Jesus, a warmer table.

Oh! Giving him the business.

Oh! So comfy.

Oh! You little spider monkey!

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh. And that's why we do it. But mostly the money.

Oh. But, uh,

Oh. Down, down, down.

Oh. Fuck you, Wade.

Oh...

Okay, guys, let's get out there and make a difference.

Okay, or you can hit that.

Okay, uh, look, just take whatever you want.

Okay, um, just, I have to keep my hands on the wheel.

Okay, which ones?

Okay, wow, dodged a big time bullet on that one.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay. Here we go.

Okay. I think that's a good start.

Okay. Let's pro con this superhero thing.

On his superior acting method?

On our terms.

On that day...

On the crosstown expressway this morning.

One every seven weeks.

One thing that never survives this place

Only if spring was death.

Oops!

Or animated.

Or as I like to call her, Irony.

Or die.

Or else the whole world tastes like Mama June after hot yoga.

Or how about Triticum aestivum, wheatgrass.

Or I'll sew your pretty mouth shut.

Or is that the on switch?

Or mean comment? Go on.

Or Scaredevil, Mr. Neverdie.

Or the last.

Or wear red. Dumbass.

Or would you rather I build the IKEA, and you pay rent?

Or you're gonna die!

Oral fixation or just a big Stallone fan?

Orlovsky? Yeah? Good.

Orlovsky.

Out of Regina, Saskatchewan, lines up the shot.

Over a lifetime, there are only four or five moments

Ow, ow.

Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow.

P.S. I'm keeping your wallet. You did kinda give it to me.

Pass it to me right after.

Patience, Angel.

People react to news of late stage cancer differently.

Perfect.

Pineapple and olive?

Please, come quietly.

Please, stay down.

Please, you should thank me.

Please.

Please. Anything's an improvement over the Hurdal.

Pleasure doing business with you.

Pool. Dead.

Prepare to lose tragically.

Pretending you're not here, Negasonic Teenage Warhead.

Pretty grossed out.

Pro: They pull down a gaggle of ass.

Put her down over here.

Put the little man down.

Quite unfortunate.

Real Grim Reaper type.

Really?

Really? Rolling up the sleeves?

Red's your color.

Relax.

Remind me what good will come of this?

Residents are advised to remain in their homes.

Rich Corinthian leather.

Right here!

Right in the middle there. Just, I don't...

Right next to the cure for blindness. Good luck.

Right there.

Right.

Right. And when he heals?

Ringing any bells? No?

Ripley, from Alien 3!

Rock, meet bottom.

Rough?

Rougher than yours.

Round the clock torture...

Ruins the lines of my suit.

Same rate most folks get a haircut. Hmm...

Save a friend...

Say the magic words, Fat Gandalf.

Screw, please.

See, here's the problem with

See, I thought that too. But he keeps on coming back.

See, we've had this small disruption

See?

Seltzer water and lemon for blood.

Seltzer water and lemon for blood.

Seriously, you actually have something in your teeth now.

Seriously, you actually have something in your teeth now.

Seven. Good Deadpool.

Sex object peddled by Hollywood.

Shake it, yeah.

Shall we turn back?

She would have made me a very agreeable wife.

She wouldn't have me.

She's gonna do a superhero landing.

She's like Robin to my Batman,

She's sending away for all these colorful clinic brochures.

Shit.

Shit. That's all the pieces in the house.

Shit. We're within 500 yards of a school,

Should've brought my roller blades.

Show these kids how it's done.

Shut the fuck up.

Sinead O'Connor, 1990. Sorry.

Sir, before you do anything to him,

Sir, what does Miss Mama June taste like?

Sit on a stick.

Six days and, oh...

Slipped through my arms today...

Snagged the dry cleaning tag off your lab coat.

So good. But bad for the waistline,

So I can remember when you looked alive.

So keep away from Meghan.

So we're going to have to make you suffer.

So what do we do?

So what was Special Forces doing in Jacksonville, anyway?

So what's it gonna be, huh? Long sullen silence...

So you gotta hold onto love...

So you may wanna...

So you, uh...

So you're gonna have to share!

So, am I supposed to just smile

So, any luck winning Gita back?

So, I'mma give you a chance

So, the doctor says, The bad news is

So, the patient says, How long do I have?

So, what, you're like, uh, his sidekick?

So, yeah, today was about as much fun

So, you live in a house.

So, you mean to say...

So, you're just gonna lie there and whimper?

Soft spot, remember?

Soldiers of fortune, drinks on me!

Some kinds of anger can't be managed...

Someone out back asking for you.

Something about, uh, an old boyfriend.

Sorry about bleeding in all your garbage.

Sorry.

Sorry.

Sounds like you do.

Spare an enemy.

Spin Doctors at the Iowa State Fair shit show.

Stalker alert.

Star in your own horror films.

Start talking!

Stay right here.

Stay the fuck down.

Stick it in my... Marry me?

Sticking up for the little people...

Still, we'll put him out of our misery.

Stupid! Worth it.

Suck a cock.

Super penis.

Superhero landing!

Superhero landing.

Sure it's not.

Sure, I may be stuck looking like pepperoni flatbread...

Surely there is something we can do.

Surrounded by your Voltron

Sweet and salty.

Ta... Da.

Take that over to Buck please,

Take your time to process this.

Tastes like Daffodil Daydream.

Teabag!

Tell Beast to stop shitting on my lawn.

Tell me where your fucking boss is

Terrorizing citizens, putting down freedom fighters.

Thank you so much.

Thank you, Agent Smith.

Thanks for having my back, guys.

Thanks, dickless. And I mean you.

Thanks.

Thanks.

Thanks.

Thanks.

That came out wrong.

That does it!

That guy was already up there when I got here.

That I have some hard spots too.

That is a no go on the tiperoo, Jer.

That is so sweet.

That other guy into a fucking kabab!

That really matter.

That said, when it comes time to licking wounds,

That sounds like a fucking franchise.

That sweater is terrible.

That they could find without violence.

That was not mean. I'm proud of you!

That'll do.

That's a new stool.

That's a tough call.

That's all right. You're cool.

That's classified.

That's gonna be about the only thing

That's his legal name.

That's like 16 walls.

That's my line.

That's not good.

That's not nice.

That's pulling out tonight.

That's the coolest name ever!

That's why I brought him.

That's, uh, $27.50.

The assailant appears to be armed,

The cock thistle that turned me into this freak...

The day I decide to become a crime fighting shit swizzler...

The doctor says, Five.

The doctor says, Five.

The drink, moose knuckle. But first...

The fuck are you?

The goody two shoes bullshit right now!

The house that blows up every few years?

The limited edition

The movie Cocoon is pure pornography.

The old blind lady from the laundromat, Al.

The old fashioned way: with your boyish charm.

The one that sent you down the road to Shitsburgh.

The right girl will bring out the hero in you.

The treatment affects everyone differently.

The way the world sees us.

The way we...

The weird, curvy edges.

The world needs extraordinary soldiers.

Then dump his carcass on Gita's doorstep.

Then maybe I wasn't meant to wear 'em.

Then we'll turn up the O2.

Then we're done.

Then who placed the call?

Then whose kitty litter did I just shit in?

There are certainly options we can look into.

There are no words!

There was something wrong with the relationship...

There we go, that looks nice.

There won't be one.

There you go. Hashtag it.

There. All caught up.

There's a reason I'm in this cab today.

There's a stupid.

There's no place like home.

There's nothing that we don't share.

There's something I've been meaning to ask you.

These timelines are so confusing.

They have a wonderful TGI Fridays.

They say one month's salary. So, uh...

They won't disappoint.

They're jeans, not a chandelier.

Think of it like spring cleaning.

Think of us as really fucked up tooth fairies...

This guy's got the right idea.

This had been the ultimate commercial break.

This is a shameful and reckless use of your powers.

This is confusing.

This is embarrassing.

This is how it's going to work.

This is not going to end well for me, is it?

This is not gonna end well for you, no.

This is taking unsportsmanlike conduct to a whole new level!

This isn't about me, this is about Vanessa.

This isn't really the place to do something like that.

This may cause you some discomfort.

This may hurt a little.

This place seems sanitary.

This shit...

This shit's gonna have nuts in it.

This workshop doesn't make superheroes,

This workshop is not a government led program.

Though courtesy calls for the latter first.

Though not nearly as badly as serrated steel.

Threats hurt, Jer.

Three, two!

Through the keyhole of a locked closet...

Till you find this woman...

To be hot again, get my super sexy ex back...

To get my very own movie?

To make a sacrifice, conquer a flaw,

To our regularly scheduled program.

To our supply chain...

To the exact point you feel like you're suffocating.

To you, Mr. Pool.

To?

Totally impractical. They all do it.

Trust me, that wheezing bag of dick tips has it coming.

Twinkly, but deadly.

Tylenol PM?

Ugh.

Uh, Jeremy, is it?

Uh, maybe not start with that.

Uh, why the fancy red suit, Mr. Pool?

Uh...

Uh...

Uh... Jinx?

Uh... This is my most prized possession.

Uh... Tight.

Um, sweetheart, you might wanna look around.

Umm hmm. Wade. Wade Wilson.

Uncles. They took turns.

Until you finally mutate.

Upside of being blind: I've never seen you in Crocs.

Vanessa.

Vanessa. Wade.

Vanessa's already working on Plan A, B,

Voltron: Defender of the Universe ring, por favor.

Wade fucking Wilson.

Wade Wilson, patron saint of the pitiful.

Wade Wilson!

Wade, is that you?

Wade, please.

Wade, we have a fucking problem.

Wade, you are better than this.

Wade! I gotcha!

Wade?

Wade?

Wade? Sorry.

Wade? Sorry.

Wade.

Wade.

Wade...

Wade... Hey.

Wait for it.

Wait, pretty sure Robin loves Batman, too.

Wait, wait, wait...

Wait, wait! Wait. Wait.

Wait, wait. Let's... Just...

Wait!

Wait!

Wait!

Wait.

Wait. We are?

Way more fucked up than mine.

We can fight this.

We can talk about what we're gonna...

We can't allow this, Deadpool.

We have another talker.

We have everything we need now.

We have no idea who we're gonna cast yet,

We make super slaves.

We should really come up with a safe word, fellas.

We were just joking.

We will make an X Man of you yet, Wade.

We won't just make you better.

We'd appreciate your patience.

We'll deliver in full the following month.

We'll see about that.

We'll turn it back down.

We're downrange.

We're gonna fit you with a control collar

Weas.

Weekend? Back up.

Welcome to Sister Margaret's.

Well, hello, gorgeous.

Well, hmm, you better figure it out.

Well, I may be super, but I'm no hero.

Well, I think you're pretty darn cute.

Well, I wanna remember us.

Well, joke's on you. I'm living to 102.

Well, that's so bad guys can't see me bleed.

Well, we don't have that kind of money.

Well, what the hell!

Well, your crazy matches my crazy. Big time.

Wha... Oh!

Wham! As promised.

What are you expecting? Sam Jackson to show up?

What are you still doing?

What better way to crawl back inside that head of yours?

What can I do for you?

What did he say?

What do I keep telling you, Mrs. Magoo?

What do we do with the remaining two minutes, 37 seconds?

What does that make you?

What have you done to me?

What in the ass?

What is it, really?

What is that? That's the shit emoji.

What Limp Bizkit did to music in the late 90s.

What the fuck is wrong with you?

What the fuck is wrong with you?

What the shit biscuit!

What the...

What was that?

What you want?

What, like, wear a mask?

What?

What?

What? No, wait. It's Francis.

What's a nice place like you doing in a girl like this?

What's my name?

What's my name?

What's my name?

What's up with the matches?

Whatever.

When I'm finished...

When will he grow up and see benefits of becoming X Man?

When you find it, the whole world

Where else do you put one out?

Where the fuck is Francis?

Where were you hiding that?

Where you at, Francis?

Where...

Where... is... Francis?

Where's Francis?

Where's Francis?

Where's your boss?

Where's your duffle bag?

Which also happens to be my...

Which benefits? The matching unitards?

Which meant it was time to return

Whipped cream.

Who did you pick?

Who doesn't love a happy ending, huh?

Who fucking cares?

Who knew if this guy could save my life...

Who knows what they'll have you doing?

Who rooms with a bunch of other little whiners at the Neverland mansion...

Who take a dime to beat a fella down.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa...

Whoa, whoa!

Whoa!

Whoa!

Whoa! Took his ass out!

Whoa! Whoa! Relax. Relax. Okay.

Whoa... Man, look, if this is about that poker game.

Whoo!

Whoo!

Whoops! You weren't meant to see that.

Whose balls did I have to fondle

Why don't you do us all a favor and shut the fuck up?

Why such a douche this morning?

Why?

Why's that?

Will you, uh...

With a family of 12.

With an eye patch and a saucy little leather number?

With eating before sundown or saving money.

With only brief, commercial like breaks of happiness.

With two swords and maximum effort.

Wouldn't want you giving up on us, now would we?

Wow.

Wow. You're a talker too. You and Wade.

Written in pencil.

Wrong choice of words.

Wrong.

X Men left you behind on what? Shit detail?

Yeah, afrangry, I guess.

Yeah, but this ain't a life worth living, is it?

Yeah, he's still breathing.

Yeah, her.

Yeah, I've seen similar side effects before.

Yeah, it's me, Deadpool,

Yeah, it's right next to the prostate.

Yeah, like I got bit by a radioactive Shar Pei.

Yeah, little help.

Yeah, that.

Yeah, the Mr. Merchant who didn't order the fucking pie!

Yeah, time to undo what you did to this butterface.

Yeah, Wade, about that, um...

Yeah, yeah, I'll be on the lookout

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fuck! Fuck!

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah. And whose fault is that, huh, Francis?

Yeah. Bactin should do it.

Yeah. We're totally done.

Year of the Dog.

Yep, that was a good one.

Yep. Rough childhood?

Yes, I know.

Yes, I'm old. I wear pants.

Yes!

Yes! Whoo!

Yoo hoo!

Yoo hoo!

You always do.

You are haunting.

You are now the protector of the planet Arus.

You are so relentlessly annoying.

You ate breakfast, yes?

You bet on me to die. Wow!

You big chrome cock gobbler!

You can generally trace it back to one big, bad decision.

You can stick that where you stuck the Bactin.

You can't buy love,

You did not bet on me to die.

You don't have that long to live.

You don't need to be a superhero to get the girl.

You don't need to be a superhero to get the girl.

You don't want any clothes that are not monochromatic?

You don't want to kill me.

You ever hear of the one legged man in the ass kicking contest?

You ever heard David Beckham speak?

You ever see 127 Hours? Spoiler alert.

You finally hit fuck it.

You got China and Central Mexico.

You got me. I picked Boothe in the dead pool.

You had a dishwasher.

You have Wade Wilson to thank for this.

You heard me.

You know what to do.

You know, I can hear you.

You know, it's funny. I almost miss the fucker.

You know, it's the turd with the smiling face and the eyes?

You know, that's really hard on your knees.

You know, the weird curvy edges...

You look like an avocado

You look like you need a Blow Job and a shower.

You love skee ball.

You may be wondering, Why the red suit?

You mean a bucket list?

You mean my big, rubber masturbating shoes?

You mean this mask?

You mean?

You might wanna look away for this.

You need to seriously ease up on the bedazzling.

You only have one course of action.

You only work for that shit spackled muppet fart.

You put them together and you can see the picture on top.

You really should stop.

You sadistic fuck!

You said whatever I want.

You should've seen your face.

You still think we're making you a superhero.

You stupid fucking idiot.

You sure?

You sure? Hmm.

You take off. Go on.

You think Ryan Reynolds got this far

You wanna get fucked up?

You were droning on.

You were right, beautiful.

You will both be coming with us.

You will die alone.

You will recover, Wade.

You win. Your life is officially

You, go be a really big brother to someone.

You. A dishonorable discharge.

You'd be surprised.

You'd best hope we never see your name on a gold card.

You're about to be killed by a Zamboni.

You're blind.

You're clowning.

You're gonna help me get her back.

You're gonna leave me all alone here.

You're lovely.

You're my hero.

You're never going home after this.

You're not clowning?

You're not Francis.

You're not the only one with a war to win.

You're nothing.

You're probably thinking,

You're really gonna fuck this up for me?

You're right. Cancer is only in my liver,

You're still here?

You're supposed to... So that's a...

You're telling me. I don't mind the Kullen.

You've got the wrong girl.

Young one is present.

Your face is the stuff of nightmares.

Your friendly neighborhood pool guy singin'...

Your... On the left. You are beautiful woman.

Zip it, Sinead!

9, 10, 11, 12 bullets, or bust.

10! Shit!

41 confirmed kills.

41 confirmed kills.

...about why we're so good together.

.45 cal. I like it.

'Cause I'mma go lookin'!

# driveby.

♪ I'm never gonna dance again

♪ Shoop shooop ba doop, shoop ba doop

♪ The way I danced with you ♪

♪ You're packed and you're stacked 'specially in the back