Grumpy Old Men (1993) Edit

A beautiful woman just sitting there...

A men's strip joint?

A snow angel.

A stroke is no damn good. You could end up like a vegetable.

Aah!

Ah, goddamn it. Look, Ariel, please.

Ah, gotcha.

Ah, I try.

Ah, it's killing you, my ass. He doesn't know the meaning of the word pain.

Ah, that's okay. Gustafson does the same thing.

Ah, the little girl is Alexandra, my granddaughter.

Ah, well, I had all of this stuff that I had to get taken care of. I, uh...

Ah, what the hell is that?

Ah, yeah? Well, that's a warning.

Ah, yes, there's nothing like the scent of...

Ah.

Ah.

Ah. Guest bathroom.

Ah. Yeah, well, uh...

Ah. You always were a lousy loser.

Aha.

Ain't got a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out of.

ALEXANDRA: Candy.

ALEXANDRA: Good night, Grandpa.

All I know is you're one hell of a fisherman, Ariel.

All right, I take it back. I don't thank you.

All right, we did the horizontal mambo! We danced it!

All right. Now, careful, fellas, huh? Hey, Mel.

All the ideas that you brought to those young minds.

Always hanging out around those kinky strip bars.

Always.

And by the state of your bathroom, I presume that you're a bachelor.

And I also know that the only things in life that you regret...

And I got a black eye for my effort.

And I'll lay 8 to 5 you can't get it up the entire honeymoon.

And if anybody says otherwise they're damn liars.

And if you leave me at Christmas...

And next up is a...

And now that we know each other, don't be a stranger, neighbor.

And that all you have, see, is the experiences.

And then you begin to count the minutes rather than the days...

And these little guys.

And, God, Mel, if you see a chance to be happy...

Angel, right. Take it easy, Chuck.

Any luck today?

Any paperwork put in the back of my car, okay?

Anyone looking?

Are you crazy?

Are you dead?

Are you friend or family, sir?

Are you friend or family?

Are you out of your mind? Max!

Ariel reminded me that I was alive.

Ariel, I think it might be a very good idea if we didn't see each other.

Ariel, I'm sorry that...

ARIEL: Be careful. MAX: Okay.

ARIEL: Here we go. Wait, wait!

ARIEL: Hi.

ARIEL: Hmm.

ARIEL: I can't hold him, Max. Work him. Work him.

ARIEL: I see you've met Ernest.

ARIEL: I'm trying. He's so strong! MAX: Easy does it.

ARIEL: Max!

ARIEL: Oh, Max. MAX: Uh oh. Uh oh.

ARIEL: Oh, you mean you were friends?

ARIEL: Oh! This is great!

ARIEL: Well, it's my inspiration. You did...? You're an artist?

ARIEL: What?

ARIEL: Whoo!

Ariel.

Ariel.

Ariel.

Ask me, she's probably a member of one of them religious cults.

At least you could go down to Slippery's and make peace with the man.

Aw, that's so sweet, Max, but...

Ax? All right, fine. You wanna clock me? You think you can take me? Come on.

Be careful. That's over 1 00 years old. Damn thing might collapse.

Been watching the squirrels. One of them's making a nest under your eaves.

Believe me, this man is a menace. He's always drinking, starting fights.

Berkeley, that explains it.

Bloodsuckers.

BOTH: The best.

Boy, he sure wasn't pleased about modeling in the nude.

Bull. You're trying to steal her away, just like you did May.

Burn, baby, burn.

Bust my tuchus to get down here on Christmas Eve to thank you...

Bust my tuchus to get here on New Year's Eve...

But he promised to come over for Thanksgiving.

But I thought...

But now I'm back to the classics of literature.

But you don't get much and what you do get doesn't paint a picture.

But, you...

Can I come in?

Can I put Allie in your bed?

Caught my limit.

Ch... You forgot to unlock the back door, you dummy.

Check the bedroom. I want all that paperwork filed.

CHUCK: Ha, ha. Can I get you something?

CHUCK: Hi, John.

Chuck?

Chuck? Hey, Chuck!

Chuck? How?

Cleared his car straight over the bridge into the Mississippi.

Colder than a witch's titty out there, isn't it?

Come on in. Have a little TV dinner. Lasagna's heating up now.

Come on over to my place, Melanie cooks up a real feast, Chuck.

Come on, answer the door.

Come on, sweetheart. Hi, John.

Come on!

Come on. I gotta win a million bucks.

Come over here and apologize.

Come spring, this neighborhood will be a lot safer...

Come Sunday afternoon, another cold front...

Complete idiot. Ah.

Cooking. Ha, ha.

Cooking. Yes, yeah. That's...

Could have been either of you if you just had the guts to ask.

Could I have little? Oh. Mmm.

Could you at least, uh, talk to him?

Could you have a word with your dad? See if they can't make up for Christmas.

Could you tell me where Mr. John Gustafson is?

Couldn't get it up, huh, Chuck?

CREW: Ha ha ha! And, uh...

Dad, this isn't about you. This is about me and Mike.

Dad, try and understand.

Dad, we're gonna separate for a while.

Dad.

Damn disgrace the way they coach that team.

Damn kids.

Damn, that's great, Mike.

Damn.

Damn.

Did you get it worked out?

Did you hear about Eddie Hicks?

Did you...

Dirty rat. I'll show him. Picking on people.

Dirty rat. Little turd.

Do I love her? What the hell does that have to do with anything?

Do the world a favor and pull your lip over your head and swallow.

Do you believe in angels?

Do you paint?

Do you want me to go after him?

Doing real good. Real busy and everything.

Don't egg him on. Go back to your fishing and leave him alone, all right?

Don't let it happen again or I'll punch you in the nose.

Don't make me have to separate you two again, damn it.

Don't you agree?

Don't you understand? I like being alone.

Drives pretty fast on that snowmobile.

Eat my shorts.

Emergency. We need an ambulance. Somebody dial 911 .

Enjoy your shower, smartass?

Ever since I got here, you and Max Goldman...

Everyone needs some form of...

Except for maybe Thanksgiving and...

Fascinating.

Fellas, you're in a church.

Fellas. Fellas.

Fish?

Fish...

Five years ago.

Followed by local news.

For chrissake.

For you maybe.

Friend.

Friends. Friends is good. That's good, isn't it?

From the moment I saw you, I could feel that we had the same kind of aura.

Full of courage and life.

Gallstones, yeah. Gallstones are for pussies.

Gave me back my old fishing pole and I told you, "thank you."

Gay or straight?

Get out of here, both of you.

Get out of there.

Get your asses in here!

Getting hungry.

Give it your best shot, shrimp.

Give me a cardiac any day.

Give me two packs of Camels...

Go to work, baby.

God damn you, Goldman, you...

God...

God...

Goldman.

Goldman. It's Goldman.

Good morning.

Good. I'm making Sichuan.

Goodbye, gentlemen. Goodbye, John.

Got it, Pop. Just like you said.

Gotta use hot water, you schmuck.

Grab me one too.

GRANDPA: Hey, you two!

GRANDPA: Kids. You can't live with them, can't shoot them.

GRANDPA: Oh, I snagged it about an hour ago.

GRANDPA: Oh, my. MELANIE: Too much, Dad?

Great dental plan.

Gustafson.

Gustafson's straight as a grizzly's dick. He'd never cheat on his taxes. Never.

Ha, ha. She seems to know you.

Ha. Women and fish...

Had he done so, we'd have informed him...

Happy Thanksgiving.

Have I upset you?

Have you seen him?

He belongs in a rubber room.

He has the intelligence quotient of a newt.

He just keeps the ones he eats. That's what he says.

He showed up last night. Says he's gotten himself straightened out.

He started it.

He tried to steal her away from me, but I won.

He will when we sell his house.

He'd never find that.

He'll cool off down at Slippery's. Come on in.

He'll have his own leftovers.

He's dead.

He's dead. Died on impact.

He's in. He's in.

He's just my friend.

He's, uh...

Head on collision with a freight truck.

Hell is he doing there?

Help, help! It's an emergency.

Here's your mail.

Hey, Chuck, guess what Pop found.

Hey, dickhead, you win the lottery?

Hey, Gustafson, your cat crapped on my steps again.

Hey, Gustafson. Here's a house.

Hey, how is he anyway?

Hey, is Pop out there at the shanty?

Hey, it ain't my fault. Chuck was a friend of mine too.

Hey, Jacob, you got my vote. That's terrific.

Hey, John!

Hey, Max, will you say hello to Jake for me?

Hey, Mel. Hi, Jakey.

Hey, not one word to your old man, remember?

Hey, Pop.

Hey, Pop.

Hey, watch your mouth, you dumb frigging Swede.

Hey, why don't you give some of the leftovers to Jakey?

Hey! Drop that fish.

Hey.

Hey. Just finishing breaKfast.

Hey. Where's Santa's favorite little girl, huh?

Hi, I'm Ariel Truax, your new neighbor.

Hi, Jacob. Hello, putz.

Hi, John.

Hi, Punky.

Hi!

Hi.

Hi.

Hmm?

Hmm.

Hmm.

Hmm. Would you like some coffee?

Holy moly.

Holy moly.

Holy moly.

Holy shit. Max. Stop the car, you idiot!

Honey, marriage isn't easy, you know. You gotta work at it.

How about some supper tonight? After your class, I mean.

How am I gonna...? People are asking about you.

How are you gonna support her when the IRS takes your house away?

How come you never asked me out?

How could you do that to a '54 Super Zenith?

How is the Grinch today?

How the hell does she see any shows?

How the hell should I know? I just got here.

How you gonna take care of her, huh, Gustafson? Huh?

How'd you like a clue for what's coming up this week?

However, uh...

Huh? Mr. Gustafson.

Huh? Yeah, well, I, uh...

Hypothermia's a bitch.

I always knew, you know.

I am not afraid to be alone.

I bring it out on special occasions. Heh.

I can fix it for you though, if you wanted me to.

I can see the beauty in this now.

I can't accept it.

I can't keep coming back here every couple of days.

I can't wait around for anotherAmy. I ain't got time.

I could smell it in the car. This stink.

I do too.

I don't believe it. That old trick?

I don't care who started it, you're gonna end it.

I don't have time. I just dropped by to give you the placard for the yard.

I don't know what's wrong with him. He just exploded.

I don't know, the house seemed so empty tonight. I do so love bathrooms.

I don't know.

I don't like him. I never liked him.

I don't like you hanging around here all day long, damn it.

I don't say anything on one condition:

I fish.

I fixed your fishing pole.

I forgot about them this year.

I get it.

I got a pinched sciatica that would make your lumbago look like eye strain.

I got a sure winner.

I got him right where I want him.

I got zip to offer her.

I had a gallstone the size of a baseball.

I had a little, uh, business.

I had to get some things worked out for myself before we could work on us.

I happened to come by these two tickets for the Gopher game.

I have to confess it's not mine. It's from The Zoo Story by Edward Albee.

I haven't had sex for 1 5 years.

I heard.

I hit the cans again.

I hope you don't mind, but I saw your light on...

I just did it to torture you. Ha, ha.

I just prefer to experience things...

I know that you said that you wanted to get rid of me...

I know you're in there.

I know.

I mean, for a while. Anyway.

I mean, I'm just glad it's over and done with.

I mean, if it's too exciting, I'm up all night.

I need something for my lumbago. The pain is killing me.

I never liked him anyway.

I paint the shed every spring.

I said it's time for bed.

I see you only snagged one, huh?

I started yesterday. Oh, I love the classics, don't you?

I suggest you read it.

I teach American literature at Winona State University.

I think he never catches them.

I think I see one.

I think it's kind of late.

I think we're going to be great friends.

I think, perhaps...

I thought I was lucky.

I thought you said Chuck was going to VFW.

I thought you said...

I took them out.

I touched a kid on the back of his head while he was snoring.

I understand completely.

I used to teach courses in Expressionism at Berkeley.

I want to ask you something.

I was wondering where you were.

I wonder if you gentlemen could tell me...

I, uh...

I, uh... I just came by to wish you all a Merry Christmas.

I, uh... It doesn't... It...

I...

I'd be honored.

I'd be proud to, Jake.

I'd rather kiss a dead moose's butt.

I'll be with you in a second. I have to do something here that's very important.

I'll have you mated in three moves.

I'll tell you what's on my mind.

I'm Ariel Truax.

I'm asking you to accompany me to my office.

I'm Elliot Snyder of the Internal Revenue Service.

I'm gonna keep ringing the bell, so you might as well answer the door.

I'm gonna kill him.

I'm good, Jacob.

I'm Jacob Goldman, Mayor of Wabasha.

I'm just gonna keep knocking.

I'm not prepared.

I'm out. I am out.

I'm Ronald Reagan. I used to be President of the United States.

I'm sorry your friend is sick, Mr. Goldman...

I'm sorry, Jacob.

I'm sorry. I love you so much.

I've got a 30 day cease and desist order says you can't touch this house.

I've laid more pipe in this town than Wabasha Plumbing.

Idiot.

If he looked like you, he'd never get on the ballot.

If I knew there was a nude scene in this picture...

If I was a young fellow like you, I'd be mounting...

If only for a moment.

If you hadn't had Amy...

If you see him...

If you're not going to keep our date tonight...

Important? Yes, sir. We'll tell him when we see him.

In his sleep.

Is he really gonna run for mayor?

Is it me?

Isn't it wonderful to have a little adventure every day?

Isn't that right?

It is just beautiful.

It looks like Chuck is taking the skinboat to tuna town.

It makes a difference, damn it.

It shaves as close as a blade, or I'll give you your money back.

It was an awakening.

It was dropped off at my house by accident.

It was like being young again.

It was my Roosevelt's New Deal lecture.

It was the greatest sex I ever had in my life. All right, are you happy?

It would make the whole thing worthwhile.

It's a gift.

It's a matter of, oh, miscalculation.

It's a perfectly legitimate question.

It's a shame that nobody ever sees you with these monsters.

It's a shame that... That, um...

It's butt cold out here and I'm fresh out of beer.

It's hard to work at it when he's never there.

It's just a lot of gum flapping.

It's like one of them Fatal Attraction things...

It's no use pretending this isn't happening, Mr. Gustafson.

It's not a matter of cheating.

It's not even Thanksgiving, and here we are enjoying our lovely fall weather.

It's not worth the effort.

It's snow, snow, and more snow.

It's the Green Hornet.

It's the middle of the night and I don't know what the hell is...

It's the snow.

It's time for bed.

Jacob got them to waive the penalties and interest...

Jacob said that old Billy Hinshel was killed in a car crash.

Jacob says that Michael and Melanie are, uh, gonna get back together again.

Jacob, moron. Jacob.

JACOB: Everyone in town is talking about this woman.

JACOB: Hey, John. Hey.

JACOB: Hi, John.

JACOB: Holy moly. MELANIE: Ha, ha.

JACOB: Oh, it never is.

JACOB: Pop, I can't tell if this is done.

JACOB: Uh... Ha, ha.

JACOB: Whoa.

Jacob! No! Ha, ha.

Jeez Louise.

Jesus Christ!

Jesus Quincy Adams.

Jesus, listen to Casanova, will you?

Jesus.

JOHN [IN MOCKING TONE]: "Lots of ice out there, Gustafson."

John Gus... What?

John Gustafson?

John, when was the last time you made love?

JOHN: Ah. Hello, fellas.

JOHN: Hey, Chuck.

JOHN: Hey, um... MAX: Hi, Chuck.

JOHN: How you doing, Punky?

JOHN: No? Of course not.

JOHN: Now wait. You got all four wheels on the track? Okay.

JOHN: Oh, my God!

JOHN: Oh. Say, Mel, she came by the other day...

JOHN: Okay, Max. This time you win.

JOHN: That did it. Oh.

JOHN: There she is. Wabasha.

JOHN: There's Granddaddy's little girl. What's going on?

JOHN: Three, four five...

JOHN: What's the difference? You got her anyway.

JOHN: Yeah, Christmas.

JOHN: Yeah, sure. MIKE: Good night, baby.

JOHN: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

JOHN: You smell something?

John.

Just squirrels.

Just why do you think, bonehead? I'll have a six pack, Chuck.

Keep the change.

Knew what?

L got a pinched sciatica that makes your lumbago look like eye strain.

Last night in his sleep.

Left hook...

LEMMON: I throw back what I'm not gonna eat.

Let's get out of here.

Like you.

Listen, do you love her?

Listen, Mel, if you need someone to talk to tonight...

Look at all the crap you... Excuse me. The stuff you got here.

Look at that. What the hell has gotten into you?

Look out, Goldman's gone nuts. Look out!

Look, don't tell me what to do, huh?

Look, Goldman...

Look, I don't know one damn thing, but I know this:

Look, I'm not like you. L... I'm not afraid to be alone.

Looks like Chuck is taking a ride on the wild bologna pony.

Looks like Chuck is taking the old log to the beaver.

Looks like Chuck's a tomcat on the prowl.

Looks like Chuck's gonna bury his boner.

Looks like Chuck's gonna put the hot dog in the bun.

Looks like Chuck's taking old one eye to the optometrist.

Looks like he's gonna enter the holy of holies.

Looks like he's making a house call.

Looks that way.

Lost him in Vietnam.

Lousy. Thought you two were getting a divorce.

Lovely.

Lucky bastard.

Lucky bastard.

Magnificent? He's a damn record breaker. You've got a 3 footer.

Mainly, I don't like you coming over here any time you feel like it.

MAN [ON TV]: Actually does look like hair growing there.

MAN [ON TV]: Remington MicroScreen Rechargeable Shaver so much...

MAN 2 [ON TV]: Give it all you've got. Again and again and again.

MAN: Hey, John.

MAN: Marker.

MAN: Slate it.

MAN: Yes, sir.

Man's crazy. Loco.

MATTHAU: I was also in the movies for a while. I was a lousy actor.

Max was telling me about your new neighbor.

Max, cut it out.

MAX: Ah.

MAX: Come on. Aah! Aah!

MAX: Creep.

MAX: He is. JACOB: I don't think so.

MAX: Holy moly.

MAX: Holy moly.

MAX: Merry Christmas.

MAX: Miss?

MAX: Mrs. Cusack over at the store said she came in yesterday...

MAX: Okay. Okay. JACOB: Ta da!

MAX: Reel it in. I can't hold it.

MAX: See you tomorrow. ARIEL: Yeah, I'm looking forward to it.

MAX: So long. CHUCK: Hey, boys.

MAX: That's it. Coming. Coming. ARIEL: Aah! Aah!

MAX: The Green Hornet strikes again!

MAX: The guy could be dead tomorrow, for chrissake.

MAX: You know what Jacob said?

Maybe I'll get lucky. Don't wait up for me.

Maybe the rest of us should just put our lives on hold...

Me? Mmm...

Medication?

Mel and Mike, they're getting a divorce. They call it a separation, but it's divorce.

Melanie is getting a divorce.

MELANIE: Bedtime. Say good night to Grandpa.

MELANIE: Dad! MIKE: Ha.

MELANIE: Dad...

MELANIE: Hi, Jacob. JACOB: Hey, Mel.

MELANIE: That would be great.

MELANIE: Who is that?

Merry Christmas, John.

Merry Christmas, John.

Merry Christmas.

Mike! Hey! You're next, big guy.

Miss Truax, would you do me the honor...

Miss, could you tell... Could you...?

Mm hm. You've got to look hard but they're there...

Mm mm mm.

Mm, mm.

Morning, John.

Morning, Punky.

Moron.

MOVER 1 : Got it. MOVER 2: There we are.

MOVER 3: This up front? MOVER 4: Yeah.

MOVER: Morning, Mrs. Truax. ARIEL: Morning, how you doing?

MOVER: Watch your step, ma'am. ARIEL: Thank you.

Mr. Gustafson, I'm just trying to help you.

Mr. Gustafson, will you answer the door, please?

Mr. Gustafson. We had an appointment.

My daughter Melanie and her mother, and Melanie and her husband, Mike.

My door is open. He knows where to find me.

My manners. I'm so sorry.

Never mind. Just forget it.

No wonder the ladies "Don Juan" anything to do with you.

No, close the door. Come in.

No, hey.

No, I don't wanna have anything to do with her.

No, I mean, you know...

No, I'll tell you what's beautiful. This monster on my wall stuffed.

No, I'm sure John started every fight since 1 940.

No, no, I mean it.

No, no. That's okay.

No, really. When Billy Gerber locked me in his tree house...

No, wait a minute. Has she got big thighs?

No, why?

No.

No.

No. Gustafson? No, no, sorry.

No. I...

No. Jacob.

Nobody's gonna believe me. Let me get a camera.

Not nervous. The groom is nervous.

Not quick like a stroke.

Not yet. But I don't wanna die looking at your ugly face.

Not you, smartass. Didn't ask you.

Nothing that shouldn't have happened years ago.

Now go to your shanties, all of you. You're scaring the fish away.

Now stay tuned for tonight's $6.4 million jackpot on Powerball.

Now you know your old gut can't handle no jerky.

Now, don't you think it's time that you finally introduced yourself?

Now, Mel, um...

Now, there's nothing addressed to a Mrs. Gustafson.

Now, these people over here?

Nurse?

October 4.

Of course, you might have known if you hadn't been out with that minx.

Of what? Are you...?

Oh, ah, he's fine.

Oh, and John...

Oh, are those for me?

Oh, but you wouldn't understand that. Because you're too pig headed.

Oh, Chuck.

Oh, cold enough for you? Brr!

Oh, couldn't rise to the occasion?

Oh, damn.

Oh, did you hear? Someone moved into the Clickner place. Awoman.

Oh, for God's sake.

Oh, for God's sake. Could I remind you, Einstein, May was no prize.

Oh, for... Jesus, it's impossible. Impossible.

Oh, fr... Fr...

Oh, God. Wait a minute. Wait, wait, wait. Wait a minute.

Oh, hey, Jakey. Merry Christmas.

Oh, hey, listen. Melanie said that she's gonna come by tonight.

Oh, I hope it went all right.

Oh, I hope you weren't mad at me for putting them all back.

Oh, I think we're safe.

Oh, I understand.

Oh, I'm sorry. I just...

Oh, I'm sure you know that, John.

Oh, just a little C A N D Y. It's not going to kill her.

Oh, man. I better run. See you.

Oh, Max.

Oh, me? Oh, jeez. God, no. She's too... She's too disturbed for me.

Oh, my God, is that familiar. Your mother wondered where I was for 20 years.

Oh, my God, they've come for me.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. I, uh...

Oh, no, it wasn't romantic at all. It was... Ah, well.

Oh, no.

Oh, no. There can be no stuffing. This is a live creature.

Oh, not yet. Not on your life. Get out of here!

Oh, nurse. Nurse?

Oh, once in a while you reach one. You touch them somehow.

Oh, shut up, fat ass.

Oh, sure, you were with the guys at the VFW.

Oh, thank you so much, but I already have made plans. I'm sorry.

Oh, thank you, dear.

Oh, that was sweet, Jacob. Wasn't that sweet, Mike?

Oh, this is, uh, broccoli.

Oh, wait a minute. I can't have anything spicy.

Oh, yeah, forget it. See you, Chuck.

Oh, yeah, like that 40 pound muskie you're always yakking about.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, yeah? Like that 40 pound muskie you're always yakking about.

Oh, yeah? Now you're telling me you're going to go after her?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. I can see the beauty in that.

Oh, yeah. Uh huh. I guess...

Oh, yes, yeah, new neighbor. Yeah, she came over to see me last night.

Oh, you have a wonderful smile. You should wear it more often.

Oh, you must be Max Goldman.

Oh! Grandpa!

Oh! You're on.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh. History, it's so romantic.

Oh. I learned from the best.

Oh. Oh, yeah.

Oh. Where are you going?

Oh. Yeah, fish.

Okay, I can wait.

Okay, okay, if it wasn't sex what was it?

Okay, that'll do it.

Okay?

Okay.

Ooh, about $1 3,000.

Or else, uh...

Our first number is a...

Out of the way, Slick. Come on, baby.

P yew!

P yew! What the hell is that smell?

Pain. He wants to talk about pain.

Pain. He... Is it...? Does he?

Passed on.

People always try to be nice by saying you look great but, uh...

Phew.

Phew. Puke.

Phil, have my herbal therapy oils arrived yet?

Phil, wait a minute. Don't ring that up yet.

Pop didn't have mistletoe, so I...

Pop, do you know how many minutes this thing needs to cook?

Pop, I can't. I'm sorry. I'll call you.

Pop...

Put one of these in your yard.

Putz.

Reared by local volunteer firefighter, Peter Carlson, of Wabasha...

Reminded me of the Iast Christmas I spent with my husband.

Right.

See you, Chuck.

See, these days, they say you have to do safe sex.

See, women fall too hard for me.

She chose me. She did.

She what?

She, uh... She look good?

She's an angel.

She's mine.

Shingles schmingles.

Should be room enough for the both of you.

Shouldn't we get to know each other a little better first?

Shrimp thinks he can get funny with me.

Shrimp, you're not going anywhere.

Six inches of snow on the ground already...

Six point four million. That's our estimated jackpot tonight.

Slick?

Slippery. Very slippery.

Snake in the grass.

SNYDER: Asshole.

SNYDER: Let's go, let's go. Hubba hubba.

SNYDER: Listen, men, all the furniture goes to the auction house.

SNYDER: Mr. Gustafson, I have to talk to you.

SNYDER: We'll see about this.

So are you seeing anyone special, are you?

So how you been?

So I see.

So, Ariel, uh...

So, what do you say?

So?

Some of your mail. Heh.

Somebody moving into the old Clickner place.

Sometimes I think you've lost whatever frigging marbles you ever had.

Sometimes it's necessary to go a long distance out of the way...

Sounds like a wacko to me.

Special delivery from California.

Spit it out. I haven't got all night.

Squirrels.

Stay there, you little bastard.

Stay there.

Stupid moron.

Sure be nice to have some turkey right about now.

Sure do.

Sure moved around a lot the last few years, didn't you?

Sure, John.

Sure.

Sweetheart, I'm gonna walk down to Slippery's.

SYNDER: I don't care. We got a problem here, sir.

Take that, you criminal.

Tell me about it in the morning, Jacob.

Tell me something, Chuck.

Tell me, who's this?

Thank you, Ariel.

Thank you, John. It was a wonderful evening.

Thank you, Lou.

Thank you.

Thank you. How sweet.

Thank you. It was such a pleasure meeting you...

Thanks, fellas. But you know those old boys over at the VFW...

Thanks, Jacob. I'd like that.

Thanks. That's kind of old news though, John. Where you been?

That I was a man full of energy, love, and passion.

That pre cooked stuff his old man gets? That tastes like cardboard.

That the first 90 years or so...

That way you can spend next week in bed with ptomaine, huh?

That you had a crush on me since 6th grade.

That's all there is, Johnny. Everything. The experiences.

That's just great.

That's me. It's important.

That's not just a woman living across your street.

That's what I used to do. I was a TV repairman.

That's, of course, if he's taken his medication.

The Daughters of the American Revolution are having a little dance at the VFW.

The first microscreen is so thin it shaves incredibly close.

The Green Hornet's caught more fish than you've lied about, Gustafson.

The handsome guy right behind him. You know him, I think, don't you?

The last man that I slept with was my husband.

The only damn thing I caught all day.

The only things in this life that you really regret are the risks you didn't take.

The reason I came down here tonight is...

The release!

The schmuck doesn't know what's happening.

The second even closer. Remington's American...

The turkey this year...

Then what's the problem?

There are some experiences in life too rich...

There you are, sweet pea. How about that? Here.

There's a letter for you, Mr. Gustafson.

There's always plenty of bird with just Jacob and me.

There's lots of ice out there, Gustafson.

There's no need for you to get involved.

There's the squirrels on her roof. That's what I was staring at.

They arrived this morning.

They get obsessed with me.

Think of the neighbors, Mr. Gustafson.

Thirteen thousand? Well, he can raise that.

Thirty days.

Thirty nine years I taught American history at Wabasha High.

This 1 ,500 pound moose is the real thing, folks.

This is something between me and your father, Jakey.

This isn't gonna stop me, Mr. Goldman.

This one? No.

This TV is a classic.

To Chuck.

To thank me?

Took quite a bit of prompting, I must say.

TV ANNOUNCER: We hope you enjoyed our feature presentation.

Two fish are on there, you bonehead.

Uh huh. And the moron?

Uh, actually, it's only a separation.

Uh, Dad? I'll be damned if I can find a bottle opener.

Uh, good to see you, Mike.

Uh, heh.

Uh, I...

Uh, is this a bad time?

Uh, Jacob? JACOB: Yeah?

Uh, Mel, is the turkey supposed to be smoking?

Uh, yeah, but, uh...

Uh, yeah, sure. Absolutely.

Uh...

Uh...

Uh...

Uh... Uh, yeah.

Um, however, he omitted to inform us...

Um, no.

Up yours, Gustafson.

Very interesting woman.

Very well.

Very. She also looks to still be married.

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute. Give me a minute, will you?

Wait a minute. I'll be right back.

Wait, wait! Ain't you forgetting something?

Wandering around, talking to the trees.

Watch it, bonehead.

Watch out for that ice there.

Watch out. Don't slip.

Wax worms are 75 cents.

We can be thanKful that we had the privilege of knowing him...

We got a new neighbor, did you hear?

We know you're in there.

We're having a heat wave here.

We've got snow coming into our area all week long.

Weak, weak.

Well, did you?

Well, Gustafson, looks like the best man won.

Well, I didn't say it, you did.

Well, I don't know. I don't play it much. It sits around, collects dust.

Well, I got something to offer her.

Well, I took some of your mail yesterday just to find out who you were.

Well, I was 1 0. I didn't know any better.

Well, I...

Well, it was very nice meeting you, John Gustafson.

Well, Jacob doesn't know his ass from a hole in the ground.

Well, let me tell you something, John.

Well, maybe in California, but here in Minnesota... Ho ho.

Well, she keeps odd hours, you know.

Well, what? I ain't got all night, either. I'm just as busy as you are.

Well, whatever you and Mike decide is...

Well, you know, you've been seeing...

Well, you'd better have a good reason for standing me up this morning.

What a putz.

What about her?

What are you doing? Clocking her, John?

What are you talking about?

What are you talking about?

What are you thinking?

What are you, uh...

What can make two grown men spend most of their lives fighting each other?

What did I know? I was just a kid.

What do I know? I'm 68 year old man. I got no house, no wife, no pension.

What do you feel like tonight, Pop, Leno or Letterman?

What do you mean forget it? Don't give me that crap.

What do you think you did, walk on coals for me?

What for?

What had gotten into you? JOHN: I don't know.

What in the...

What is he doing in that crazy...

What is it?

What is that?

What the hell?

What, no twinkle lights?

What?

What?

What?

What?

What?

What?

What?

What? Mike's back?

What? My new neighbor?

What? Talk to who?

What?!

What's going on?

What's that?

What's wrong?

When did you move into the Clickner place?

When I had my ulcers, I was...

When I had shingles did you see me complaining to Phil?

Where are you gonna get worms this time of year? It's supply and demand.

Where did you get this fishing pole?

Which hand? That's the one. Yeah.

Which I am not anymore.

Which one? Okay, which hand?

Who cares about a damn fishing pole?

Who left?

Who's that?

Whoa!

Whoo!

Why don't you come over and have some turkey with us?

Why don't you go and talk to her, Dad?

Why not?

Why would a woman come over at 1 :30 in the morning to see you?

Wipe the smile off your face, because it's just a loan.

With me...

WOMAN [ON TV]: Look at how large Papa's bald spot is.

Wonderful. Wonderful.

Would he? Is he...

Would you like me to leave?

Yeah, about 1 :30 in the morning.

Yeah, but how would you know? You're just a damn kid.

Yeah, but...

Yeah, he's a regular Don Juan.

Yeah, I need a six pack of Schmidt and I'm out of bait.

Yeah, I think it's exciting to experience new things...

Yeah, I'll see you.

Yeah, I'm sorry. I I get... I keep...

Yeah, now I keep telling them that you and Mike are doing just fine.

Yeah, that was plenty.

Yeah, that's right, you're a moron.

Yeah, the kids think they know it all, right?

Yeah, well, I'm 94 years old. What the hell do I care, huh?

Yeah, yeah. Big man with the ax in your hand.

Yeah, you grab a beer. It's in the fridge.

Yeah? L... I...

Yeah? Well, she came to me.

Yeah? Who says you can't train a cat?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah. Gee, she hasn't been out since 11 :20.

Yeah. How was the turkey at the VFW this year, Chucky?

Yeah. I remember.

Yeah. It looks like Chuck's slipping her the old salami.

Yeah. Listen, I'm, uh, sorry about the, uh...

Yeah. Sweet and short.

Yeah. That'll do it, Dad! I think that'll do it.

Yeah. Uh, wh... What are you doing?

Yeah. Until we meet again, my dear Ariel.

Yeah. Well, that's why you're a moron. If you'd ended up with May...

Yeah. Yeah, from up here. I used to camp out up here when I was a kid.

Yeah. Yeah, you must be.

Yeah...

Yep.

Yes, to Chuck.

Yes, yes!

Yes!

Yes.

Yes. Well, you succeeded wonderfully.

Yes. Without it, he could be anywhere.

Yo, Ray.

You are so butt blind, you think this whole thing is about a stupid fishing pole?

You bet.

You call yourself a friend? You bastard.

You can shove that pole.

You could be our next millionaire.

You could retire in Florida just from selling me worms.

You don't know a damn thing about me.

You friend received health benefits for 20 years while claiming as a married man.

You give me 30 seconds in a person's bathroom...

You go through that every time.

You got a lot to offer her.

You guys are the biggest damn bullshitters...

You have a whole library up there from what I could see.

You have to talk to me.

You inspired it.

You know damn well I throw back what I'm not gonna eat.

You know something, Gustafson?

You know, as far as I can tell.

You know, give each of us a chance to be alone and...

You know, I really... I'm not crazy about turkey.

You know, it's Christmas, Pop, all right?

You know, Melanie said that John just exploded and walked out.

You know, my husband passed away at Easter.

You know, there's something really rugged and virile about the outdoors, isn't there?

You know, those kind that people stick to their car windows?

You know, those little suction cups they have? It's so...

You know, uh...

You know, you can tell a lot about a person from his bathroom.

You know.

You know...

You made me feel sorry for you.

You mean the lowlife, ass wipe...

You mount the woman, son. Ha, ha.

You never wondered why my curtains were open just enough?

You promised that you would come over and give me the New Deal lecture...

You putz.

You really think I wanted two jobs? I didn't do that for me.

You remember the stuffing?

You remember the turkey your mother used to make?

You schmuck!

You see, I was...

You should have seen Mrs. Carlson's face when he said, "It's a keeper."

You spent half the meal staring out the window.

You stay there. You stay right there.

You think a lousy old pole is gonna replace her?

You used to watch me with your dad's binoculars.

You, know, Christmas Eve. Around 9:00.

You'll never get me.

You're a handsome, eligible guy with a nice house, a good pension.

You're gonna love it, Goldman.

You're just plain chicken...

You're letting the cold air in.

You're still using that beat up piece of firewood?

You're supposed to be smoking filter cigarettes, Pop.

Your old pal failed you, huh, Chuck?

Your TV. It's got no guts.

Your uncle has a fish market on 23rd Street and 14th Avenue.

1 978.

75 cents? Crime in Italy. Chuck, we're talking about worms, not caviar.

'38. Well, it's ridiculous.

A 25. Seven...

Absolutely. So.

Ah, schmuck. SNYDER: Mr. Gustafson.

Ah, you schmuck. MAN: Marker.

Ah. ARIEL: Listen, I have something for you.

All right. 1 937, at Todd Field... Oh, for God's sake.

and like a good student... Uh, what's that?

And my son, Brian. Oh, he's so handsome.

And throw the beefjerky in too. That's $5 for the beer and the worms.

And, uh... LEMMON: 26th. 26th Street, you dummy.

Are you all right? Yes, an angel.

Awoman? Yeah.

Be polite. Yeah.

Beautiful day, Mr. Goldman! Hey, Snyder.

Blackhawks were killers, weren't they? Did you catch the game, Chuck?

But have you seen him? No, sorry.

But schmuck that you are... Ha, ha. Aah!

Bye, Jacob. Have fun.

Calling. Here. Hold it. Hold it!

Can you see it? Yes, the lure. No, the fight.

Chuck, he... Mm.

Chuck? MAX: Chuck, where are you?

Come here. Come on. I'm not apologizing to anybody.

Come on, love muffin. GRANDPA: Yeah, yeah.

Could I ask you a favor? JACOB: Sure.

Did you know that? No, I didn't know that.

Did you mount her? Oh, Dad.

Divorce. Yeah, thanks. Right.

Do I stink? JOHN: Yeah!

Does she always do that? I don't know.

Don't shout. I'm not shouting.

Don't shout. I'm not shouting.

Don't you find that too? I love that line. What?

First place, I'm too old for you. Okay? What does that...?

Fishing pole? Yes.

Gee, I'm sorry to hear that. Yeah.

Gee, you picked up on that, Sherlock. SNYDER: Excuse me.

Good morning, John. Huh? Good...

Gustafson. Gustafson.

Ha ha! No. No.

Ha, ha. Goodbye.

Ha, ha. Ha, ha. Oh, Max.

Ha, ha. You're so bad.

Ha, ha. MAX: Hmm...

Have fun, Johnny. Yeah.

He's going to do it. So?

He's in! Oh.

He's in. He's in.

Heh. What the hell are you looking at?

Heh. Hi, Stinky. Ha.

Here you are. Sorry. Ah.

Hey, John! MAX: Oh!

Hey, John. Mike.

Hey. Hey.

Hi there. Ariel, uh...

Hi, Dad. GRANDPA: Hi, hi.

Hi, sweetheart. How are you? Hi, Dad. Good.

Holy moly. JOHN: Uh huh.

How about those potato latkes? Oy.

How are you doing? Hey, Jakey.

How are you, Punky? Hey, buttercup.

Huh? Coitus uninterruptus.

Huh? Heterosexual or homosexual?

Huh? So?

I can't hold it! MAX: Reel him in.

I did that once. Really?

I feel good. Yeah. So how are you?

I got a bunch I gotta deliver. You'll have just a drink Little drink.

I guess it's time. Yeah.

I hear the water calling it back, Max. Where is it?

I kicked your ass and I can do it again. Bullshit.

I know. Oh.

I live across the street over there. Yes. Yes, come in.

I love you. JOHN: Goodbye, pumpkin.

I wanna know. You really wanna know?

I was doing it for you, Brian, your mother. Dad. Dad.

I'm getting rid of that. It's just firewood. Why?

I'm not nervous, schmuck. Don't call me a schmuck, you putz.

I'm trying but I can't! All right. Give me the pole.

Is that right? Yeah. So why don't you drop over later?

Is there something wrong? No. Nothing's wrong at all.

Jacob? Hey, Mel.

John. JOHN: Yeah?

Let me get that. There you go.

Let me... Pull! Stop!

Like a damned catfish. Well, I've had a lot on my mind lately.

Look out! Look out! Aah!

Make a damn fine mayor, too. Good thing he's his mother's son.

Max is here. Ah.

Max, what's going on? Morning, Ariel.

Max, you've really lost it. Dirty little bastard.

Max? Yeah, Max.

Melanie there? Uh huh.

Merry Christmas, Dad. Merry...

Merry Christmas. Congratulations on the election.

Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas.

Merry, uh... Christmas.

Mike and I aren't fine. Yeah. That's what I thought.

Morning, dickhead. Hello, moron.

Moron. Putz.

Moron. Putz.

Mr. John Gustafson? That's right.

Much better than having your palm read. Well, uh...

No, I guess not. Nobody serious. What do you know?

No. No?

No. No. No.

Now, Pop, you think I should I call her? What?

Of course it's Max. He's ugly isn't he? Ha, ha!

Oh, come on. We saw you.

Oh, guess. Awoman.

Oh, ha. That's me and the moron. Max?

Oh, hello. Hello.

Oh, I almost lost him. Max, oh, he's just magnificent.

Oh, I'm so sorry. Oh, that's okay. It's all right. It's okay.

Oh, jeez, Dad. What? Oh.

Oh, Jesus, Dad! Ha, ha!

Oh, Jesus, Dad. Oh.

Oh, Max, you're the greatest. MAX: Thank you.

Oh, no. Just hold it for a minute.

Oh, that's a private matter. Private, my foot. Did you?

Oh, that's my dad. That's Pop. Oh.

Oh, they're all around us. Yeah?

Oh, uh... John "Goostafson," right?

Oh, yeah. Damn, she was a good cook.

Oh, yeah. They're just beautiful. Thank you.

Oh, yeah. Uh huh?

Oh, you broke my nose! I didn't break your damn nose.

Oh! Hi.

Oh. But I'll take a rain check.

Okay, here we go. Oh, wow!

Oops. Oh, look out!

Over at the Gustafsons'? Yeah.

Paint? Me? Yes. Uh huh.

Pisses me off you had to break it first. Oh, my God.

Pleasure. Isn't it a peach of a day?

Pop. MAX: He started it.

Pretty damn fast. Yeah.

Ready for this? No, not really.

Says who? Says me.

Schneider. Snyder.

See you later, Gustafson. Ah.

She was no prize. She was to me.

She was the best. And more loyal than May ever was.

She was to me. I was married to the woman 20 years.

She's beautiful. Yeah.

Shiners or wax worms? I can't afford shiners. Give me wax worms.

So what? Huh?

So, uh, your toilet is broken? Oh, no, thank goodness.

So? So, what's going on?

Some game last night. MAX: Double overtime.

Son of a... Jealous?

Thanks. Here.

That dirty son of a... Ugh.

That we share something special. Teaching.

That's a deal. Okay?

That's all I can tell you. You better tell me.

That's why I came down. Yeah, well, spit it out.

The fight. Wait till I show the guys. The catch.

Then one day you wake up... Yeah?

There's a guest bath... I can't wait to see what I find in there.

There's a guest bathroom, please. I'll only be a minute.

There's just one more ball and here it is... Fifteen.

There's number four. Seven.

They're for you. I got them for you. Thank you.

They're getting a divorce. Huh?

Tie your shoelace. You'll fall. Aw, shut up.

To win the jackpot, correctly match... Come on. Do it.

To win the jackpot, match 5 white balls... There's a seven. Now, second...

Uh, yeah. How romantic.

We'll settle this thing. Aargh!

Well, break it in. Watch this. You'll get a kick out of this.

Well, I... Ha, ha.

Well, they do. They go fast. Okay. All right.

Well, wait a minute. What about... What?

What a catch. And then the release.

What does that mean exactly? JOHN: Yeah.

What is it? Somebody's barricaded the doors.

What release? There's no release. Oh, yes, it's beautiful.

What you got there? MELANIE: Broccoli.

What? I'm making a snow angel, remember?

What? Mm hm.

What? Over here.

What? The first 90 years, they go by pretty fast.

What? The woman.

What? What?

What? Where men take their clothes off.

What? Who? Chuck.

What's it about then? Forget it.

What's it like in there? What did she say?

Where have you been? Relax, Pop. You nervous?

Where's the Realtor? MAN: Get the door?

Who? The model was my husband.

Who's the guy yakking at your door? Mind your own business.

Wow, you look great. Thanks, so do you.

Yeah? Mm.

Yeah. Cream and sugar?

Yeah. Mm hm.

Yeah. How are you? Good.

Yeah. Well, I also read Field & Stream. Indeed?

Yeah. Well, I'll do that. Okay.

Yes, he is. Is he...?

Yes, I know. You know that.

Yes, the spirit was willing... Yeah, but the flesh was, uh...

You could imagine problems that will become reality.

You don't understand. No, no, it's good. I can handle it.

You get it? I get it, I get it.

You love that piano. Granddaddy's got a surprise...

You mean, you and she...? I'm not talking about sex, dummies.

You say she's all alone? From what I heard...

You see her? Huh?

You stole her, didn't you? What?

You took my mail. That's a federal offense. I know.

You were always there to save me. Mm hm. Yeah, right.

You were there half the night. MAX: What'd you do?

You... Oh, shit! Shit!

You're a child. Don't tell me, Jacob. It isn't me.

...11 years worth of interest, mandatory late charges, and penalties...

...20 feet from your front yards...

...a larger portion of those benefits were subject, of course, to federal tax.

...a warm, home cooked meal.

...and a cup of your special coffee, you love muffin, you.

...and all you can do is shout at me. Wait.

...and bullshit that you can make your mind up. Shall we do that? Huh?

...and dump him.

...and I took care of the 1 3 grand.

...and I was just wondering if I might use your bathroom.

...and I will give you a complete and accurate profile.

...and I'm sure we're going to see a lot of one another.

...and not just watch them on television or looking out the windows like you do.

...and said that you'd been snapping. JOHN: Oh.

...and you realize that pretty soon you'll be gone.

...and you realize...

...and you're trying to tell me you'd rather park your wrinkly butts...

...are the risks that you don't take.

...both of you, if you ask me.

...but isn't this a little drastic?

...but the court order is in and my hands are tied.

...egg sucker John Gustafson? Oh.

...ever play much ice hockey? Ha ha ha.

...every woman in Wabasha.

...farting razor blades.

...for the next two, three weeks while you oil yourself up with enough booze...

...for you in the house, pumpkin. Dad.

...fresh tea tree...

...got them for you.

...ha, ha, that you're not 81 anymore.

...have been stuck up against your windows watching me like two Garfield cats.

...I bought the company.

...I got a couple of things I want to tell you. Yeah?

...I kicked your ass after football practice when you stole my liniment.

...I suppose I gotta be realistic. What the hell is so funny?

...I wanted to tell you...

...I won't have any kind of holidays to look forward to.

...I would've asked for another million.

...I'm bringing the date to you. Huh?

...I'm staying at Pop's.

...in order to come back a short distance correctly.

...in this entire frozen nation.

...just soaking into your pores. Hmm.

...just the way it is.

...king's rook to queen's bishop 3.

...kissing up to a couple of buckets of fish bait. Ha!

...maybe I'll grab a beer.

...Mr. Snyder as soon as possible. Yes. Uh huh. Okay.

...new places, and meet new people.

...of accompanying me to my ice shanty tomorrow?

...on a frozen piece of ice...

...or Christmas, or whatever the **** it is.

...pictures, paintings.

...release.

...right cross...

...send her out to me, huh?

...she's available and hot to trot.

...that amount, when combined with...

...that his ex wife had a part time job for 11 of those 20 years.

...that they show on The Donahue Show, you know.

...that, because of her income...

...they expect me every Thanksgiving.

...they go by pretty fast. Ha, ha. Yeah?

...to buy some candles and incense.

...too beautiful to try to put into words.

...uh, comes out at about $57,000, ballpark.

...uh, where I could find Mr. Gustafson?

...was delicious. Ha, ha.

...whenever anything good happens to us.

...while he was here.

...who found it injured on a hunting trip, brought it home, and brought it up...

...with traveler's advisories in effect throughout our area tonight...

...without that snowmobile around.

...would you give him this and tell him he must contact...

...you can never catch either one of them, Gustafson.

...you grab it with both hands and to hell with the consequences.

...you know, I think it works quite well...

...you never would have had Amy. And Amy was a good woman.

...you really do look great.

...you were my knight in shining armor.

...you'd be advised to stay inside and have yourself...

[ALARM BEEPS]

[ALL CHATTERING]

[ALL CHATTERING]

[ALL CHATTERING]

[ALL LAUGHING]

[ALL SHOUTING]

[ARIEL & MAX LAUGHING]

[ARIEL & MAX SHOUTING]

[ARIEL & MAX SHOUTING]

[ARIEL SCREAMING OUTSIDE]

[ARIEL SCREAMING]

[ARIEL YELPS]

[BELL TINKLING]

[BELLS TOLLING]

[BELLS TOLLING]

[BOTH GRUNTING]

[BOTH LAUGH]

[BOTH LAUGH]

[BOTH LAUGH]

[BOTH LAUGH]

[BOTH LAUGHING]

[BOTH LAUGHING]

[BOTH LAUGHING]

[BOTH SCREAMING]

[BOTH SPEAKING GIBBERISH]

[BURPS]

[BURPS]

[CAR HORN HONKING]

[CAR HORN HONKING]

[CAT MEOWS]

[CHUCKLES]

[CHUCKLES]

[CHUCKLES]

[CHUCKLES]

[CHUCKLING]

[CHUCKLING]

[CHUCKLING]

[CLATTERING NEARBY]

[CLATTERING]

[CLUNK]

[CREAK]

[CREAKING]

[CROWD CHATTERING]

[CROWD SHOUTING]

[CROWD SHOUTING]

[CROWD SHOUTING]

[DISPATCH RADIO CHATTERING]

[DOG BARKING OUTSIDE]

[DOG BARKING]

[DOOR CHIMES]

[DOOR CHIMES]

[DOOR CLOSES]

[DOOR OPENS THEN JOHN GASPS]

[DOORBELL RINGING]

[DOORBELL RINGS]

[DOORBELL RINGS]

[DOORBELL RINGS]

[ENGINE STARTS]

[ENGINE STARTS]

[GASPING]

[GASPING]

[GASPING]

[GASPS]

[GASPS]

[GROANING]

[GROANING]

[GROANS]

[GROANS]

[GROANS]

[GROANS]

[GROWLS]

[GROWLS]

[GRUMBLES]

[GRUNTING]

[GRUNTING]

[GRUNTS]

[GRUNTS]

[GRUNTS]

[GRUNTS]

[GRUNTS]

[GRUNTS]

[GRUNTS]

[GRUNTS]

[GRUNTS]

[GUESTS CHATTERING]

[GUESTS CHATTERING]

[GUESTS CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

[HOCKEY GAME PLAYING INDISTINCTLY ON TV]

[HORN HONKING]

[HORN HONKING]

[HORN HONKING]

[HORN HONKING]

[HORN HONKING]

[HORN HONKS]

[HORN HONKS]

[HORN HONKS]

[HORNS HONKING]

[HUMMING]

[ICE CRACKING]

[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

[INHALES DEEPLY]

[JEEP ENGINE STARTS]

[JOHN CHUCKLES]

[JOHN GROANS]

[JOHN GRUNTING]

[JOHN GRUNTS]

[JOHN GRUNTS]

[JOHN LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY]

[JOHN LAUGHS]

[JOHN MUTTERING]

[JOHN SNIFFS]

[JOHN SNORING]

[KNOCKING CONTINUES]

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

[KNOCKING ON FRONT DOOR]

[KNOCKING ON FRONT DOOR]

[KNOCKING ON FRONT DOOR]

[LAUGHING]

[LAUGHING]

[LAUGHING]

[LAUGHING]

[LAUGHING]

[LAUGHING]

[LAUGHING]

[LAUGHING]

[LAUGHS]

[LAUGHS]

[LAUGHS]

[LAUGHS]

[LAUGHS]

[MAX CHUCKLES]

[MAX CHUCKLES]

[MAX CHUCKLES]

[MAX GROANS]

[MAX GRUNTING]

[MAX HUMMING]

[MAX HUMMING]

[MAX LAUGHING]

[MAX LAUGHS]

[MAX MUTTERING]

[MAX MUTTERING]

[MAX SINGING "HEAT WAVE"]

[MAX YELLING]

[MELANIE LAUGHING]

[MELANIE SIGHS]

[MELANIE SIGHS]

[MEOWS]

[MICROWAVE DINGS]

[MOCKING TONE] "Mind your own business."

[MOOSE GROANS]

[MOTOR PUTTERING]

[MOTOR REVVING OUTSIDE]

[MOVERS CHATTERING]

[MOVERS CHATTERING]

[MUTTERING]

[MUTTERS]

[OPERA MUSIC PLAYING]

[OPERA MUSIC PLAYING]

[ORGAN PLAYING SOFT MUSIC]

[PLAYING SOFT MUSIC]

[REVVING CONTINUES]

[REVVING CONTINUES]

[ROOF CREAKING]

[ROOF CREAKING]

[SAW BUZZING]

[SCREAMING]

[SCREAMING]

[SCREAMS]

[SCREAMS]

[SCREAMS]

[SIGHING]

[SIGHS]

[SIGHS]

[SIGHS]

[SIGHS]

[SIGHS]

[SIGHS]

[SIGHS]

[SINGING "HEAT WAVE"]

[SINGING UPBEAT SONG]

[SLICK MEOWS]

[SNIFFING]

[SNIFFING]

[SNIFFS]

[SNOWMOBILE REVVING]

[SNYDER GRUNTING]

[SOBBING]

[SOBBING]

[SOBBING]

[SOFTLY] All right.

[SPEAKING GIBBERISH]

[STAMMERS]

[STUTTERING] How do you do? I'm John G Gustafson.

[TALKING INDISTINCTLY]

[TALKING INDISTINCTLY]

[THUD THEN RECORD SCRATCHES]

[THUD]

[TIRES SCREECH]

[TIRES SCREECH]

[TOILET FLUSHES]

[TRAIN HORN HONKS]

[TV CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY]

[TV PLAYING INDISTINCTLY]

[UPBEAT HIP HOP MUSIC PLAYING]

[UPBEAT POP MUSIC PLAYING ON TV]

[WHISPERS] God, you are dumb, dumb, dumb.

[WHISPERS] Jacob.

[WHISTLES SOFTLY]

[WHOOPING]

[WHOOPING]

[WOMAN SOBBING]

[YELLING]

[YELLING]

[YELPS]