Dave Chappelle: The Closer Edit

A Black gay person would have never done that to me.

A couple of more drinks and these fellows are gonna start

A human being, that believes in equal rights for women.

A lot of people in the trans community were furious with me and

A matter of fact, a matter of fact,

A mouth is a mouth.

A ****a came up to me on the street the other day.

A real talk, that was a silly movement.

A warm wet mouth."

About all these jokes I'd said in the last few years

Ain't nobody around here."

Ain't that something?

Ain't that weird? "My people this, my people that."

All "H" words. "Hi, how are you?"

All I ask from your community, with all humility

All naked hippies, all the time.

All of the same things she had said to me, about me in the paper.

All of them questions that you think about that you'd be afraid to ask,

All the questions you might have had

All the White women asked Sojourner Truth not to speak.

All these years, I thought it meant frumpy dyke.

An old White lady This is true,

And a guy in the back of the room stood up

And a lot of people might disagree with me

And a woman came up to me, and she goes

And after that, she could do no wrong.

And all he says, it's very nice, he said,

And all I did, I texted. I said,

And all of them would be like "Let's all go to the Golden Globes

And all that I ask for in return...

And all the motherfuckers was like, "Hurrah!"

And all these women actresses came after me.

And as she puts the picture away

And as she was shaking my hand, her face turned mean, like her mom's.

And as she's telling me this, I'm thinking, this woman is so sweet.

And as soon as I open my car door I hear a voice go,

And at the end of the show, I go, "Well, Daphne" I said

And before the applause gets to it's crescendo

And by then,

And clearly I said, "This is what is happening."

And Daphne stole the room, she had everyone cracking up.

And Daphne's hair was dyed blonde at the time

And decide that they want to claim the Earth for their very own.

And do you know, sir,

And employed tactics that were so cruel

And eventually I forgot about it.

And everybody in the bar likes me, so I make a big show of it

And Footlocker and all the places I like to go?"

And get a video of you embarrassing yourself.

And get you to say something stupid or dumb

And give these men a piece of our minds."

And give those people what they came to see."

And go "Hey everybody, I am going to buy everyone in the bar a round of drinks."

And he farmed this plot of land very successfully

And he has a White speaking voice.

And he is a strong dude.

And he is not pride parade gay either, he is sad gay.

And he just followed the roadmap of successful people.

And he started barking on me, but I stood my ground, I wasn't scared.

And he texted me right back

And hope for the best.

And I am in a restaurant in Ohio, very nice restaurant.

And I am thinking, "Man these motherfuckers are in a lot of trouble."

And I called her myself,

And I cannot believe that someone

And I don't know what the trans community did for her

And I found out, she was survived by a daughter.

And I gave the Fight Club look.

And I go, "I'm in San Francisco."

And I grab the picture and this is all I say, this is all I say,

And I hate to say this, but there was a lot of videos

And I hope to negotiate the release of DaBaby.

And I kept on rocking, and she kept on talking to me.

And I know him, and he doesn't.

And I know you probably heard on the news, I did get coronavirus.

And I looked at her, tears came out of her eyes

And I looked at them gay Black dudes, like.

And I looked back and sure enough there she was, that face.

And I pushed her off violently, 'cause I'm transphobic.

And I remember, the late great Paul Mooney was there

And I said "Phew."

And I said, "Oh my God, you are a woman."

And I said, "Shut up, bitch! Shut the fuck up!"

And I saw her show. Something bad happened to her.

And I saw it coming from yesterday, so I slipped it like this...

And I saw...

And I softened my posture

And I started a trust fund for her daughter

And I texted him right back. "New phone, who this?"

And I think to myself, "Oh, this bitch does know who I am."

And I turned around to everybody in the bar

And I want every member of the community to know

And I want to be like a Stonewall ****a.

And I want to try that glory hole out.

And I wanted to do a show.

And I was doing some transgender jokes in Oakland, it was 16 years ago.

And I was her hero.

And I was just being reciprocally nice.

And I was sitting in the room

And I was wondering if you'd open the show?"

And I would keep a pile of dirt, right next to the stage.

And I would like to start by addressing the LBGTQ community, correct.

And I would only hire girls with long titties

And I'd be embarrassed to tell 'em the truth.

And I'll just try to give you some pointers

And I'm cool with her now, but boy, that shit got on my nerves.

And I'm gonna tell you the truth, and don't get freaked out.

And I'm happy you're well and I hope everyone you love is okay.

And I'm in a totally different bar

And I'm not exaggerating, young man. That show was terrible.

And I'm sitting there, trying to be polite.

And if they did that,

And it got on my nerves because, whenever someone says that to me

And it is almost exactly what she said.

And it made me think of an idea for a movie.

And it started making me nuts, 'cause I would just sit in the room

And it turns out, and this is true...

And it was a great night.

And it was during Covid, and a woman came to our table

And it was something else.

And it's that there was a Black man who was in South Carolina

And jumps off and kills herself.

And just gave me the business.

And left $50 million on the bus and walked.

And left the Earth thousands of years ago.

And long vagina head that looks like they slept on it.

And looked at the crowd like a gangster. Man, you should have seen her work.

And made a lot of money, and this is where the story gets crazy.

And ****as always ask me like,

And nobody would get fed to Harvey Weinstein.

And none of my friends would go with me.

And not only that, the motherfucker was huge.

And now I got to tell you

And now I was in trouble

And now she's about to open a show for what many call the GOAT.

And now we get to the core of the crisis.

And now, we're right back to square one, aren't we?

And one night after one of the shows I met her.

And see if you can work this thing out."

And she didn't even look all the way back.

And she didn't say anything back, all she said was

And she grabbed me real tight, hugged me, squeezed me.

And she pulls a real live, meaty dick out!

And she said, "Do you mind, not punching down on my people?"

And she said, "Well, I think "

And she sounds just like a man when she does it.

And she texted me back, and this is a real text, she said...

And she told me all the great things you're doing in Hollywood.

And she was alone, and she was older, and that made me feel sad,

And she was answering them and her answers were funny as shit.

And she was like, "Fuck, yeah."

And she was maskless, and this bitch came over, no mask,

And she was very gracious.

And she was with, two big, buff, gay Black dudes.

And she would be there, white trans woman, laughing

And shockingly, they're making a movie about him.

And Sojourner Truth's Black ass showed up.

And suddenly a woman

And that one bothered me a lot, I was driving home,

And the bartender knew I was drunk, so she pulled me aside.

And the crowd stood up.

And the dude was shocked that I said it. He said "Huh?"

And the guy screamed out, and his energy felt wild as fuck.

And the hardest thing for a person to do

And the moment I found that out, and this is true

And the only other person in the bar is a woman, a couple of stools down.

And the only reason I say that

And the whole bar said "Hurrah!"

And the whole time I watched those videos, this is fucked up

And then every installment of the book

And then I drove off.

And then I got to go to the restroom.

And then I looked deep in this ****a's cheek bones.

And then I said something about it in one of my specials

And then I was nobody, I had just quit Chappelle Show.

And then one day she goes up to the roof of her building

And then she brings me on, and you know,

And then she goes on and on about how great her daughter is.

And then she goes, "Would you like to see her picture?"

And then she hikes her skirt up

And then she says, this is true, she goes,

And then she stands shoulder to shoulder

And then she started saying a bunch of wild stuff, I was like

And then she went to the press.

And then the show became something cooler than a show.

And then the trans community got mad as shit,

And there I'm in Walmart with the poor Whites

And there she is telling us and everyone is laughing.

And these dumb motherfuckers thought, it was my first rodeo.

And they canceled it because, she said in an interview

And they have canceled people, more powerful than me.

And they love Trump. You know what I mean? Like Michigan White people.

And they would have went to the mailroom

And things go terrible for them in the other planet

And this bar, trust me, is not a nice place.

And this bitch took my whole class, she sat up there

And this is a real question, I am not joking around.

And this is exactly what I said, I said,

And this is gonna surprise some people here, but not everybody.

And this is not a man that I knew

And this is not exactly what she said, but effectually she said

And this is precisely the disparity I wish to discuss.

And this is what this law is gonna do.

And this was a holiday weekend. You know what I mean?

And this was the first time

And this, this thing I am describing

And to be honest, it is not a very nice restaurant, but

And was just drinking and talking shit and laughing

And was laughing as hard as she always laughs

And watch videos all day.

And we all went backstage

And we started getting to the bottom of shit.

And we've been trapped in this predicament for hundreds of years.

And wear black dresses.

And what it was, turns out

And what you're really seeing

And when he did like this, I've seen all his fingernails

And when he finally got the job they just took it!

And when he shows up to them restaurants they see that big giant Black dude

And when his master granted him the freedom

And when I made that special Sticks and Stones

And when she said it

Anderson Cooper from CNN texted me.

Anj is a Black woman who is a comedy writer and she's dope.

Another time, about six years ago, there was a lesbian woman

Any of you, who have ever watched me know

Any other comedian I've ever seen, if they had bombed as bad as she did,

Apparently they dragged me on Twitter.

Are originally from Earth.

As a human being, not a woman,

As hard as it is to hear a joke like that

As if nothing bad had even happened to her.

Asking her for some pussy, she might not have.

At least now I know my family is safe.

Beat every bitch in Detroit. She's better than all of you.

Beating up Asians for no reason.

Beating up my beloved Asian people, and being so cruel.

Beautiful tweet, beautiful friend, it took a lot of heart

Because I did beat the shit out of her, I am not gonna lie.

Because I know

Because I'm not a woman nor am I a trans.

Because if these women were serious, you know what they would have done?

Because it is important to this point.

Because she didn't say anything about pronouns.

Because she is not the first woman that said that to me.

Because she was a lesbian. That is fuckin' crazy.

Because she was obviously trans.

Because that trap doesn't let me be honest.

Because this body of work, that I've done on Netflix

Because Yellow Springs, Ohio has the most beautiful women in the world.

Before I even say anything about that community

Before I go, I want to share this story with you

Before the Thursday that's Thanksgiving,

Benign talk, nothing to it. And all of a sudden

Between a Black man and a White trans woman

Beyond Pussy or Impossible Pussy. You know what I mean?

Bitch, I didn't even know you was a woman.

Bitch, that is not gonna work.

Boy, when she said that shit, it blew the roof of the place.

Bunch of flyers, comedy ****as was there.

But as we've established...

But did they do that?

But don't feel bad for me, I liked it.

But even I saw that shit was like, "God damn, DaBaby."

But here is what impressed me.

But I bet dragging her didn't help.

But I can tell you as the maker of this art

But I couldn't help but feel like

But I do believe and I'll make this point later

But I don't care, because I feel like

But I got to tell you, I'm very worried about it.

But I know that trans people make up words to win arguments.

But I needed an opening act, and I remembered...

But I tell you what, I un balled my fist immediately

But I was stressed, 'cause I kept watching these videos of my beloved Black people

But I'll tell that little girl, "Young lady,

But I'm doing it.

But I'm gonna tell you right now, and this is true...

But I'm sure it broke old Clifford's heart.

But I'm very invested

But it all depends on what you're into. You know what I mean?

But remember, no, remember this guy is a giant,

But remember, they were free when they found out.

But she kept calling me transphobic and all this shit

But she was a White woman, this bitch looked terrible.

But six days after that wonderful night I described to you

But that is not a right thing to do if they're gay. You know what I mean?

But the crowd didn't like that shit at all 'cause she sucked.

But the way a person would talk to a television when they were alone.

But then she hits a lick.

But they was huge, they looked like Jussie Smollett's trainers.

But this woman had only done stand up comedy eight times in her life.

But what am I gonna do?"

But what you don't know, is it does affect me.

But you better not hurt a gay person's feelings.

But you know how Black bitches are, so Sojourner Truth went up there anyway.

But, you got to see them for yourself, they're gorgeous.

But, you know a lot of the LBGTQ community doesn't know DaBaby's history,

By then, I'll be ready to have the conversation

Caitlyn Jenner... was voted, woman of the year.

Call Anderson Cooper from CNN.

Can achieve all that, I'm so proud of you.

Can't do that.

Can't do that.

Can't exist.

Can't say that shit.

Clearly...

Clifford, Clifford?"

Couldn't figure it out.

Couldn't stop thinking about what this woman said

Couple of years ago I was in Ohio, at a shopping mall.

Culturally you might feel like, like Ann Arbor to you.

Cut through all the tension, with that one joke.

DaBaby shot and killed a ****a in Walmart in North Carolina.

DaBaby was the number one streaming artist

Did you buy a ticket to a concert I did, I doubt that.

Do you see where I am going with this?

Don't want to hear about this bitch remodeling in her bathroom.

Droplets was coming out of this bitch's face.

During a concert in Florida.

During slavery

Empathy is bi sexual. It must go both ways.

Empathy is not gay. Empathy is not Black.

Especially the trans jokes, very puzzling...

Even if she's smiling, it would look like it would hurt

Even White slave owners were like, "Yo, my man."

Every human being in this room, every human being on Earth

Every time I come out onstage, I be scared.

Every time I see her, she'd just be looking mean on me.

Every time that I talked with anybody from the community since

Everybody groaned, except for Daphne.

Everybody have a seat, be comfortable, relax.

Except for Daphne.

Fast forward, now it's a couple of days later.

First found out that they were free.

First of all, before I even start, I'm gonna say that "I'm rich and famous."

For days, they was going in on her, and she was holding her own

For knuckles and Adam's apples

From a podunk place like this

From its inception in America

Funny.

Gay people are minorities, until they need to be White again.

Gay people get mad at me, lesbians get mad at me,

Gender is a fact, this is a fact.

Gender is a fact.

Get your bodies good and shiny."

Got the Johnson & Johnson vaccine.

Grabbed that mic and walked right down the middle

Guess who was in the bar?

Had to pass through the legs of a woman to be on Earth.

Happy belated Juneteenth to the Blacks.

Have you ever heard this before? This is a true story.

He also gave him a plot of land.

He doesn't punch up, he doesn't punch down

He followed what they called "an incentive."

He had a good eye, good knack for farming.

He just wanted to be down, what a fuckin' tragedy.

He looks like one of them gays that prays about it.

He must have been 6' 5", a big White corn fed

He once shot a ****a... and killed him, in Walmart.

He picked up his phone and he called the police.

He punches lines, and he is a master at his craft." That's what she said.

He pushed the button, didn't he?

He pushed the button.

He said, "Careful, Dave, they after you."

He said, "Hey Daphne!" and everybody got clamped,

He said, "It's Anderson Cooper."

He stood up, he was towering over me.

He was a wild dude, but he did it

He's a wild guy.

Hear me out.

Her first year as a woman.

Her head movement was good, I said "Oh, no!

Her shoulders were angled correctly,

Hmm. Hmm?

How can a person

How could I be scared?

How the fuck are you making that kind of progress?

I actually wrote it. It is coming out soon.

I agree, man.

I agree.

I agreed with these women.

I ain't jerking off to none of your pictures again."

I almost got into a fight, it is complicated.

I also saw a lot of videos of UFOs.

I am a feminist.

I am a girl now, ******. You must treat me as such.

I am exaggerating, she is actually a very nice person

I am guessing, but I bet you, he is gay.

I am not indifferent

I am not saying that to say, that trans women aren't women.

I am not that fond of these newer gays.

I am the Magic Johnson of coronavirus.

I asked all the fellows, none of them wanted to go.

I asked you "Why is it easier for Bruce Jenner

I be lookin' around the crowd, searching.

I call it Space ****.

I came here tonight...

I came into the club minding my own business

I can't help but feel like

I could not dislike somebody that felt that way about me.

I couldn't believe it was happening 'cause her show stunk.

I couldn't believe it.

I did it in Detroit for that reason.

I didn't either, listen to this.

I didn't even have to look, I knew it was her.

I didn't even know, what the fuck that was.

I didn't get sick at all.

I didn't get sick.

I didn't know that when you were onstage."

I didn't know these dudes, but I know they was gay.

I didn't trip, I just gazed at Security

I don't give a fuck, 'cause Twitter is not a real place.

I don't hate gay people at all, I respect the shit out of you.

I don't know if was them dragging

I don't want to keep on tasting these dicks.

I don't want you to worry about me, I'm...

I even changed the tone of my voice.

I feel bad for him.

I felt dirty.

I felt gross.

I felt like Daphne lied to me.

I felt that way, but that's not what I said.

I figured, I might as well, do the last special here.

I go all the way to the back of the parking lot,

I go, "I love you to death, but I have no fuckin' idea

I Googled the dictionary definition of a feminist

I got into a fight.

I got to admit, that's probably the most

I got to tell you, I was surprised how it made me feel.

I got to tell you... let's go.

I guess her daughter got a new agent and she is out in Hollywood,

I had never even heard these words before, it was really weird.

I had no choice, I had to go to work.

I had to quarantine for ten days at least.

I hadn't felt that dirty in a long time.

I have a question for the audience

I have hardwood floors." Just like that.

I hope to answer tonight.

I just didn't agree with what they were doing about it.

I just sat in the crib and got stronger all week.

I kept it moving.

I kept my cool, I was nice. I said, "Hello, miss."

I knew she was following me, 'cause she was at places

I knew your father...

I know I believe you, because it takes one to know one.

I know they have never seen me for themselves, they just repeat

I know, look, listen, I support the feminist movement, I do

I learned this past Juneteenth of a story, this is true.

I let that jab go, you should have seen me go ****a.

I like that warm, wet soft pussy that my wife has.

I like White bitches with dirty feet.

I looked over my shoulder, I thought I was trippin'.

I mean, what the fuck has been going on with that shit?

I must have killed thousands of people.

I need you guys to know something.

I pulled her aside, I said, "You're hilarious.

I ran right over there, I said I pointed right in the camera

I really resented that trap

I remember I was at this bar one time, it was that kind of bar it is.

I respect that shit, I'm not even gay

I respect that shit.

I said "Boundaries, bitch!"

I said "Oh oh."

I said "What is a trans person, doing in a place like this?

I said softly, sweetly, like a pimp might say.

I said, "Anytime I'm in San Francisco why don't you open the show for me

I said, "Bro, you gonna have to give me three feet, like this."

I said, "Hey Daphne, this is Dave Chappelle."

I said, "How much do I have to participate in your self image?"

I said, "I believe you, bitch."

I said, "I know ****as in Brooklyn that wear high heels just to feel safe."

I said, "Keep it in the comments section, bitch, this is real life, ta ta."

I said, "Man, fuck y'all too, you canceled.

I said, "Well, you know what, miss? It's art."

I said, "What do you mean, your people?"

I said, "What might you mean, bitch?"

I said, "What?"

I said, "What?"

I said, "Where did you learn this from, Black bitches?" She kept going,

I said, "Yo, my man, back up." Like that.

I said, "You is a bitch ass ****a for doing this to me."

I said, "You shouldn't discuss this in front of Black people."

I said, "You're doing some things wrong but I can help you."

I say this to say, if you ever want to know about anything gay

I should have done it.

I supported the "Me Too" movement, but the whole time, the whole time

I tenderized them titties like chicken cutlets.

I think about it.

I thought I was seeing things, I looked across the room

I thought that the way they handled it was stupid.

I thought we were going to come to blows.

I tried everything. "Come on y'all, there's gonna be bitches there."

I used to get a kick out of cumming in that fellows face.

I walk in to the doc like, "Give me the third best option."

I want your community to know that one of the coolest people I ever met

I was being molested by a preacher.

I was careful to call her a bitch, 'cause I didn't want to blow her cover.

I was doing a night club in Oakland, 16 years ago

I was drunk.

I was in a bar in Austin, with my wife

I was in there one time, I was fucked up

I was just asking them

I was killing it.

I was like a glass of water after a handful of salt.

I was like, "Yeah."

I was more clever than that. You know what I said?

I was reading her obituary

I was ready and then

I was saying, "Don't forget my opening act, Daphne."

I was shocked, 'cause that is what that meant

I was stressed already because the whole time

I was very angry at them, I was very angry at her.

I went too far, I said things like

I whooped the toxic masculinity out of that bitch.

I will acknowledge that.

I will make sure that nobody harasses you or fucks with you on the job.

I will make sure you will get equal pay for equal work.

I will protect all of your interests.

I will. I will lead you women to the promised land.

I would consider myself a feminist, and I didn't even know that at the time.

I would do 18 shows in the Bay Area

I would feel better if it was a man with a vagina

I wouldn't even think about that, I'd just be like, "That's funny."

I'd be looking around like, "What is this old bitch doing in Gamestop

I'd be mad as shit if I was a woman. I'd be mad if I was me.

I'd come up like, "Bitch get your feet in that dirt and get up there

I'd have just looked at the picture like,

I'll do it.

I'll go through 'em.

I'll have what the homeless people are having.

I'll tell you exactly who I am.

I'll tell you, there is no nice way to say it.

I'm begging you, please do not abort DaBaby.

I'm being very brutally honest, so we can solve this problem.

I'm going all the way.

I'm going all the way.

I'm going to complete.

I'm jealous,

I'm just calling, because I'm doing a show and I need an opening act.

I'm just kidding, I didn't say that.

I'm just sayin, that those pussies that they got...

I'm like, "Okay sure, I'd love to see the picture."

I'm like, that's strange.

I'm looking around, I'm like, "Oh my God, she is funny."

I'm not even gay

I'm not even joking with you.

I'm not indifferent to people's suffering 'cause I know it's hard to be everybody.

I'm not saying it is not pussy, but that's like

I'm not telling another joke about you

I'm not the only Black person, that feels this way.

I'm parked all the way in the back

I'm sitting in the bar, I'm having a drink by myself

I'm talking about us and "they don't listen."

I'm team TERF.

I'm telling you right now

I'm telling you right now, Daphne would have loved that joke.

I'm telling you this is done. I'm done talking about it.

I'm the one that got off the bus

I'm transphobic and even I was like, "You look nice."

I've been arguing with the Whites my entire career.

I've gone too far, I've said too much.

If I had a strip club in Yellow Springs, I would have called that shit "Strippies."

If I was honest, I wouldn't have fallen for it.

If I was in the BET awards, sitting there and they're like

If Martin Luther King was like,

If slaves had baby oil and booty shorts...

If that ever happens in real life, you should know

If they disagree with their tribe, but Daphne did that for me.

If they had a dick in their mouth, they wouldn't look any gayer

If you listen to what I'm saying, clearly

If you listen to what I'm saying, I'm not even talking about them,

In comedy we call this "taking class."

In my movie idea

In my own ways.

In our country, you can shoot and kill a ****a

In practice, she was very professional.

In the gender construct, personally.

Ironically... it is called Space ****.

Is 'cause the last 17 months were hell, and I cannot imagine

Is a major issue that I have with that community.

Is a male leader.

Is an impossible concept to teach to a child.

Is go against their tribe

Is it possible, that a gay person can be racist?

Is painted and I realized like, "Oh oh."

Is that a dude?

Is that I'm jealous of gay people.

Is that you suck my dick.

Is there even such a thing as a woman or a man or anything?

Is your daughter a man?"

It became like a conversation

It is 2019.

It is a nice restaurant, if you're a White person from Ohio

It is a pretty good plotline, huh?

It is all good. Listen to me.

It is called Clifford, the Big Black ****a, anyone?

It is going to get way worse than that.

It must go both ways.

It offends them like, "Oh, this bitch is doing an impression of me."

It stands for Trans exclusionary radical feminist.

It tastes like pussy but that's not quite what it is, is it?

It was fucked up.

It was her dream to be a comedian.

It was her fault, I had no choice.

It was like a nothing hole in the wall club

It was very moving.

It was, it was White, it was like...

It's a hole in the wall, that gay contractors build.

It's a lot of courage on both sides of that hole ****a.

It's annoying as fuck.

It's foul, it's one of those bars where the top shelf

It's going to get worse than that, hang in there.

It's mind blowing.

It's not blood, that is beet juice.

It's not fair.

It's over.

It's probably what's happening inside of my body.

It's puzzling. You know what I mean?

It's real talk.

It's really annoying.

It's Thanksgiving week.

It's the Wednesday...

It's very annoying.

J.K. Rowling wrote all the Harry Potter books by herself.

Jesus, please take these dirty feelings out of my heart.

Juneteenth is a strange holiday, isn't it?

Just because that's what successful people did at the time.

Just like that she goes, "...that I'm having a human experience."

Just like that.

Just like that.

Just to make sure, I was talking about the right thing.

Just touching door knobs and shit, hands all moist.

Just trying to chill, I'm just trying to live a peaceful life.

Just trying to get tonight's show together

Just trying to spread the cheer, and I wish I didn't.

Just when I thought I had you guys on the ropes

Kept clapping her hands in my face.

Kevin Hart dreamt his entire life of hosting the Oscars

Last time I can remember, feeling dirty like that,

LBGTQ, L M N O P Q Y Z, it is over.

Let's say I'm in Walmart, doing a little shopping with my family.

Like I'm something bigger than me, like I'm the whole world in a guy.

Like let's say they designed this law to protect me,

Like you, hate women."

Like, "Oh, that is great news, I'm glad you're not going to be alone."

Like, okay first of all, when the doctor told me I had coronavirus

Like, what could I possibly be saying...

Listen to everything I've ever said about that community.

Lived in San Francisco, Daphne Dwarman is the name.

Look at it like this, Caitlyn Jenner

Look at me

Loud and hard, at everything I said.

Man, I must have been a little boy.

Man, she looks at me like I'm not her friend anymore.

Mean lady too.

Misquoted the jokes, and was calling me transphobic

Mm mm.

Must be like 3700 people, small hippie town.

My dreams didn't work out.

My friend Daphne killed herself.

My interests, transphobic comedian, Dave Chappelle.

My least favorite of which being, I hate this phrase

My man.

My problem has always been with White people.

My pronoun game was not as nice as it is today.

Never even had a period, ain't that something?

****aish decision I've made in a long time.

No American should have to present a birth certificate

No, I'm not gonna feel that way at all, I'm gonna feel very uncomfortable.

No, no, go back, go back

No, no, no, no.

No, that is not a good law. That is a mean law.

Normally, I would've let it go, but I was drunk.

North Carolina passed a law once.

Not a cough, not a booger, not a fever, nothing.

Not only did she not leave,

Not only was he a slave owner, he became a slave breeder.

Nothing bad happened to his career.

Now fast forward.

Now I looked over the table that she came from, and I peeped game.

Now I should tell you

Now I should tell you, this Black man is literally an actual giant.

Now I shouldn't speak on this

Now I'm standing at the urinal, taking a leak.

Now it turns out, this brother was brilliant.

Now listen, women get mad at me

Now you know, I go hard in the paint

Now, do you know what I was watching?

Now, everyone struggles

Now, I walk right up to her, and I go

Now...

Now... I didn't know this at the time

Of course it is possible. Look at Mike Pence.

Of one of these big agencies and found a woman

Oh buddy, I'm in trouble now.

Oh yeah, this is a true story, my heart was broken.

Oh, fuck this guy. Let's go, ****a, let's go.

Oh, he gets the reservation.

Oh, I don't like that.

Oh, I said, "Anderson, look I need to find her family."

Oh, I wish I didn't say that.

Oh, subway tiles? Word.

Oh, this is true, Google it.

On their birth certificate.

Only a man would do some gangster shit like that.

Or I don't know what was going on in her life

Or something, but she didn't do that.

Or what I do for a living

Or, maybe you watched one of my specials on Netflix.

Or... Or... Did I follow you to your car and do my act?"

People say things to me all the time

People will come over and try to rattle your cage

Perpetuate the same evil on a person that looks just like him.

Picture Chili's.

Piqued my interest.

Please Jesus, make these buttholes ugly to me.

Punched the LBGTQ community, right in the AIDS.

Punching down on my people?

Read your history books.

Remember in the '80s

Remember, taking a man's livelihood is akin to killing him.

Right as it was coming out, I happened to be in San Francisco

Right when you think we would fight, guess what he did?

Right. Right. No, it was annoying as fuck...

Rummaging around for mediocre goods and services.

Sad story!

Sadly it worked.

Sadly, of Black people...

Said some wild stuff about the LBGTQ community

Screaming at me, all the talking points from that article.

Seems to be a question nowadays.

She always said, she identified as a woman.

She couldn't believe it was happening.

She couldn't believe it.

She did a famous speech, she said "Ain't I a woman?"

She didn't say anything about me being in trouble.

She dropped that foot back, she was in a perfect southpaw stance.

She found a seat, right up in front.

She had made up for 45 minutes of a stinker of a show.

She is very beautiful."

She kept calling transgenders, her people.

She kind of laughed, which was weird.

She let me have it in front of everybody.

She probably doesn't even know who I am.

She said "Thank you so much", and we shook hands

She said, "Are you serious?"

She said, "I ain't backing up off shit, ****a, that's my girl!"

She said, "I hope those White bitches get tear gassed."

She said, "I just need you to believe..."

She said, "Just believe I'm a person and I'm going through it."

She said, "My people have struggled for decades, honey, decades."

She said, "Punching down on someone, requires you to think less of them

She said, "Sir, I don't have carpets

She said, "Stop calling me a man, motherfucker."

She said, "What?"

She says, "My daughter is coming home for the holidays."

She showed up early, which is something I appreciate

She sold so many books, the Bible worries about her.

She threw a wild hook at me

She was a comedian in her soul.

She was dressed to the motherfuckin' nines, I mean,

She was drunk.

She was following me around the mall.

She was loud, she was proud.

She was talking to me like that.

She wasn't mean, she was nice, but she just wanted to talk about shit

She wasn't their tribe, she was mine.

She wrote a tweet that was very beautiful and what she said was

She... looks mean all of a sudden, like she caught me in some kind of trap.

She's an amateur in stature, but

She's in movies and on television and all this stuff

She's probably around my age.

She's the only woman, that I know personally

Should be under the sink.

So annoying.

So far, so good.

So I hit Anj up, I hit her on the text

So I hope you appreciate it

So I looked it up.

So she starts talking to me, while I'm onstage

So that she would know, she is in no danger.

So that their buddies can film it

So they come back to Earth

So they know we are serious."

So what I did is, I called my friend Anj.

So what I do is I stand up

So whenever this motherfucker calls to get a reservation at a restaurant,

So, I excuse myself from my family. I go to the men's room.

So, I told the bartender, "Send that woman a drink on me."

So, then after, I am shopping

So, you know what I did?

Some other planet that they go to

Sometimes in Oakland and Dirty Hood night club

Sorry about that, by the way.

Sounds dumb, but hear me out.

Space ****.

Space ****.

Spinning the yarn, telling us all these crazy stories about shit, she'd be into.

Started screaming at me, and I'm sure it was a woman.

Stunk.

Stunk.

Surprisingly it was mine.

TERF is an acronym.

Texas homosexual, this ****a was ready to fight.

Than it is for Cassius Clay to change his name?"

Than they did just sitting there.

Thank God, she's in here with me.

Thank God! TMZ didn't believe that

Thank goodness, TMZ could see right through the sham of that story.

Thank you very much and good night.

Thank you.

Thank you.

That backed up to the urinal next to me.

That became a woman, this woman was trans when I met her.

That corresponds with the gender they were assigned

That didn't bother me 'cause I knew her.

That gender was a fact.

That had nothing to do with her

That has never been anywhere before.

That hate transgender.

That I don't believe that I feel that way.

That I'm not ready to have today.

That I've come here tonight in peace.

That I've never had a problem with transgender people.

That is a fact.

That is why I don't go out no more.

That is why she was my friend.

That just tell you like

That name and that voice, who could resist him?

That pays her ex husband alimony.

That the kid made a very egregious mistake.

That the trans community ever got mad at me that I knew about.

That they are from an ancient civilization that achieved interstellar travel

That trans woman I had met, so I called her on the phone.

That tried to sell a story about me to TMZ.

That was bustin' her hump in there and said, "If you want to talk to us

That was the construct of successful people

That went through slavery

That would make these bitches think, I hate women.

That you know, I mean a ****a just trying to get drunk

That's going to be 16 dollars.

That's right.

That's right.

That's right. And listen, listen, listen.

That's why I live in Ohio, you know, I live in a little town in Ohio.

The book is about a big, strong beautiful Black man

The book is designed to help parents, teach their children about racism

The crowd was falling out of their chairs

The crowd was happy to see me.

The daughter is very young, but I hope to be alive

The men at the table were filming me.

The muscles in her face.

The next day one of the gay papers wrote

The ****as want me dead.

The point of that story is

The police come, and they always shoot him.

The trans bitch from the picture.

The trans community dragged that bitch all over Twitter.

The way we Blacks might look at Black face.

The whole crow laughed

The whole crowd kind of gasped.

The whole crowd kind of groaned, 'cause it was so like, mean.

Them glory hole ****as, them the ones I like.

Them old school, gangster gays.

Them Stonewall ****as, them the ones that I respect.

Then I thought of an idea for a children's book.

Then I told the crowd "Good night." And they started going crazy

Then she said, "I don't need you to understand me."

Then she would be big, and they would be big

Then you have to talk to her."

There has always been a racial component.

There is a problem in that feminist movement, isn't there?

There's laws, the mean laws in our country.

These attacks were unprovoked, I couldn't believe it.

These bullets don't kill him, they don't even hurt him.

These motherfuckers were having a rootin' tootin' time.

These new gays don't even know what the glory hole is.

These transgenders...

These UFOs keep coming to Earth

They all would have fired their agents.

They always repeat the talking points from that article.

They canceled J.K. Rowling, my God.

They didn't conflate the issues of women's rights and slavery.

They didn't kill him, Kevin is a strong guy.

They didn't take shit from anybody, they fought for their freedom.

They don't hate transgender women but

They don't show up like, "Which one of you ******s is Clifford?"

They got tense.

They had 1980s gay face. You know what that is?

They just break his heart.

They just didn't know it yet.

They look at trans women

They make you quarantine.

They said "You're gonna have to stay in the room," I didn't go nowhere.

They said a person in North Carolina must use the restroom

They say "You can't come in here." And they call the police.

They say, "I was punching down on them."

They started calling her a TERF.

They was doing all that shit.

They was in there partying, making all them noises.

They was like, "Nope."

They were doing shit, like going to the Golden Globes

They were like, "Who is he to tell us anything?"

They will put their penises in that hole

They're not going to care who called 'em.

This bitch bombed for 45 minutes, straight.

This bitch boxes for real."

This does not mean that I feel like another point of view

This happens far too often.

This happens when you're famous.

This is a real thing, this is a group of women...

This is a wild story.

This is going to be my last special for a minute.

This is my last special, because I have an objective tonight.

This is too much for me to even wrap my mind around

This is very dangerous behavior."

This is where the poor Whites drink. The Tiki torch Whites.

This lesbian fellow stepped between us.

This motherfucker's shirt was tied up in a knot like this.

This ****a brought some slaves.

This ****a is faster than Google.

This ****as are here.

This person was invested in a construct.

This was little to no experience

This woman claimed that I beat her up in a night club

This woman wanted to talk.

Those aren't the gays that I grew up with, I missed them old school gays, ****a.

Tipping ****as with cash. "Here, take this to your family."

To be honest with you, she probably wasn't even that old.

To change his gender

To defend me like that, and when she did that

To look like, "Go on, get that bitch out of here."

To make sure that everyone can hear me.

To see where the threats might be coming from.

To take a shit at Walmart, in Greensboro, North Carolina

To the suffering of someone else.

Tonight after the show, watch every special I did on Netflix.

Too sensitive, too brittle.

Took a nasty spill onstage, and said some...

Tough time for the Whites.

Tranny and shit I didn't know these words were bad, and a woman stood up

Turns out she wasn't hiding.

Until about a couple of weeks ago.

Until we are both sure, that we are laughing together.

Vaccinated, I...

Very interesting holiday.

Walks into the men's room.

Was a transgender woman.

Was that their idea? No.

Watching this shit, it would stress me out.

We all covered our drinks. Ew! Baby, what are you doing?

We all laughing real hard,

We became fast friends.

We Blacks, we just got our first big holiday in a long time.

We Blacks, we look at the gay community and we go

We didn't know who was a heckler or active shooter, and...

We find out that these aliens

We're all Clifford.

Webster's defines a feminist

Welcome home."

Well let's say something goes horribly wrong

Well, he asked me to do it.

Well, I'm happy to see you

Well, not all of you.

Well, that seems always talking to be some... chick in overalls,

Well, you guys did the women's march, I tried to go and support you

Well, you know why I live there?

Went up on the stage with all the swag of a professional comedian,

Were you all kidnapped in Transylvanian, brought here as slaves?

What do you think I am going to say?

What everybody went through.

What I did is, I got in touch with her family

What I think, the feminist movement needs to be very successful...

What if Martin Luther King had to integrate the glory hole?

What is a woman?

What is that, in this day and time?

What the dictionary definition of a feminist is?

What the fuck was y'all doing?

What they've heard.

What you're talking about."

What your daughter's is out in Hollywood doing.

What...

When Black people in Texarkana area of the country

When gay people looked surprised all the time.

When he got all that money...

When I saw these brothers beating these Asians up.

When she turns 21

When Sticks and Stones came out...

When Susan B. Anthony was having that meeting

When you get coronavirus, at least the first five days

Where DaBaby shot and killed a motherfucker.

Where did you see me?

Which sounds paranoid, but I'm sure she was following me.

Which, if you're a parent you know

Who are these laws designed to protect?

Who somehow got granted his freedom by his so called master.

Whom I have met, wonderful person.

Will you please stop

With a benign, regular ass White name...

With all the phone numbers and all this information.

With me at the urinal, I'm gonna be like, "Bitch, what's going on with you?"

Would have snuck out of the back of the theatre and went home and cried

Yeah, it wasn't the jokes.

Yeah, you know how I talk. I call everybody a bitch ass ****a.

You are free to interpret this art however you like

You changed all the rules.

You ever see a woman with lines on her face?

You got to get off the bus and walk.

You guys are confusing your emotions. You think I hate gay people

You have to ask yourself, if you're thinking about it,

You have to look at it from a woman's perspective.

You know all them noises White people make before lynching?

You know what I mean?

You know what I mean?

You know what I mean?

You know what I mean?

You know what I mean? Bunch of hippies and shit like that.

You know what I mean? Them White people, they believe in "Q"

You know, I learned something

You know, these words, I had never heard them before but

You know, when a new comedian watches an experienced comedian

You must know and I hope you all feel the same way

You think Martin Luther King is gonna be like,

You transphobic, this and that.

You wait, and see how sick you're gonna get.

You wanna know why?

You want to know why they put that hole in the wall?

[audience] No! No.

[audience] Yes. It commemorates

[man] We loved it! Alright.

Do you really think so? [audience] Yeah!

I am a woman." I said, "What?"

Yeah, motherfucker! "Well."

Yeah. [woman] Oh my God.

...and he was a wonderful woman."

...he said,

...we might have been free a hundred years sooner.

'Cause a Black gay person knows, when the police shows up

'cause a lot of ****as died for me to get this one off.

'cause by that definition

'cause I know that is all she ever really cared about.

'cause I like people to be on time.

'Cause I talked so much shit about Detroit in the first special

'Cause I'm a man with kids, and a wife, and

'cause I'm going to give her this money myself.

'Cause I've been walking around Texas

'cause it was the holidays.

'cause she's funny.

'Cause when they want to have some fun

"Ah, not you bitch, will you please..."

"Ain't I a woman?"

"And the winner for ****** of the year... Eminem."

"Anj, are you going to the women's march?"

"Before I kill you and put you in the trunk.

"Bitch, I'm 'bout to slap the shit out of you."

"Call me a girl, ******."

"Chalk up, bitch."

"Close your mouth, ****a, what is surprising", you know what I mean?

"Dave, why do you live in that hippie town?"

"David Chappelle."

"Does the carpet match the d****s?"

"Fuck that broke motherfucker" and all that, she says all that shit.

"God damn it! Look how well that movement is going."

"Hey ****a, that's my girl!"

"Hey, miss, how are you?" Blah, blah, blah.

"Hey! I just met your mother the other night

"I don't care if it is Black lips back there or White lips back there

"I want everybody to get up on them floats.

"I want everybody to keep riding the bus, but wear matching outfits."

"I want everybody to wear crochet pussy hats

"I watch your comedy."

"I'm sorry to hear about your friend."

"Is there anything you ****as need to tell this bitch?

"Let me tell you somethin'."

"Let me tell you something, honey."

"Look at that big chiseled jawline, that big thick Joe Rogan neck.

"Look how well you are doing."

"Men are trying to **** us."

"Miss, before you finish that statement, let me ask you a question.

"Mr. Chappelle, are you sure about that?"

"Oh my God, Dave Chappelle."

"Oh my God, he must be a Veteran, thank you for your service."

"Oh now I don't want to see this woman's picture,

"Oh yeah?"

"Oh...

"One they, or many theys?"

"Ooh! Ow! Yeow!"

"Punching down", what the fuck does that mean?

"Relax now, I don't want any pussy, I was...

"Sounds to me...

"That ought to buy her some time."

"This fellow is gay."

"This guy is peeing out of his butt for some reason."

"Well, that was fun."

"What did that face mean?" And then she goes, "She's transgender."

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[audience] Yeah!

[audience] Yes! Yeah!

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[murmuring continues]

[sudden silence]

[vinyl pops]

[woman cheers]

♪ And I learned how to get along ♪

♪ And I spent oh so many nights Just feeling sorry for myself ♪

♪ And so you felt like dropping in And just expect me to be free ♪

♪ And so you're back ♪

♪ But now I hold my head up high And you see me ♪

♪ But then I spent so many nights ♪

♪ First I was afraid, I was petrified ♪

♪ From outer space ♪

♪ From the tall castle walls To the mean teeth streets ♪

♪ Go on now go ♪

♪ Go on now, go Walk out the door ♪

♪ Heartbreak from yesterday, A fret for tomorrow ♪

♪ Hey hey ♪

♪ I hope you get what you are And that you are what you need ♪

♪ I just walked in to find you here ♪

♪ I leave you now filled with anxiety And hollow ♪

♪ I should have changed that stupid lock ♪

♪ I should have made you leave your key ♪

♪ I used to cry ♪

♪ I'll survive I will survive ♪

♪ I'm not that chained up little Person still in love with you ♪

♪ I've got all my life to live I've got all my love to give ♪

♪ If I had known for just one second, You'd be back to bother me ♪

♪ If you break don't worry, If you worry don't break ♪

♪ It took all the strength I had ♪

♪ Just turn around now ♪

♪ Just turn around now You're not wanted anymore ♪

♪ Kept thinking I could never live Without you by my side ♪

♪ Kept trying hard to mend the pieces Of my broken heart ♪

♪ Listen carefully ♪

♪ My homie told it to me Just the other day ♪

♪ Not to fall apart ♪

♪ Oh as long as I know how to love I know I'll be alive ♪

♪ Oh no not I I will survive ♪

♪ Oh no, not I... ♪

♪ Promise to all and none, Knowing not when ♪

♪ Recently discovered And everything but no ♪

♪ Somebody new ♪

♪ The doubtest doubts about it Never made it unsure, life! ♪

♪ The evidence of things unseen, The book of light ♪

♪ The faithful, the graceful, The tragic, the classic ♪

♪ The gift, peace out the pressure Can't remember how you came ♪

♪ The mansions of the moon The bones are for their own ♪

♪ The only thing certain is the end ♪

♪ Thinking how you did me wrong, and I grew strong ♪

♪ This is for my favorite band Of human beings ♪

♪ Walk out the door ♪

♪ Well, now I'm saving all my lovin' For someone who's loving me ♪

♪ Weren't you the one who tried to break me with goodbye ♪

♪ Weren't you the one who tried to Hurt me with goodbye ♪

♪ When I am better, How you exit from the start ♪

♪ With that sad look upon your face ♪

♪ You think I'd crumble You think I'd lay down and die ♪

♪ You think I'd crumble You think I'd lay down and die ♪

♪ You're not welcome anymore ♪

♪♪