The Odd Couple (1970) - Season 1 Edit

A "well" is neither of those.

A 300 pound football player

A a a doll!

A baked potato, fried onions,

A beautiful soul, but a plain face.

A beautiful statue of a woman...

A beer is important right now.

A better hockey player than he is.

A big guy.

A big head or a little head?

A big one.

A big, professional hockey player

A black garbage can with a red top?

A boy who lives alone with his mother

A brand new L.M.X. electric typewriter at the station.

A brown left eye.

A closed circuit television system.

A cop just can't get a break nowadays.

A couple hours after he eats.

A couple of days?

A couple of empty beer cans and a lot of loose garbage.

A craving for peanuts?

A day that will live in infamy!

A day's pay for a day's disaster.

A doctor, because I think

A double scotch on the rocks.

A drink?

A drunk who kept falling off his horse?

A father?

A figure on the screen at home plate.

A garbage can with my initials on it.

A girl as pretty as you can afford a last name.

A girl has to know how to cook.

A girl likes a little sweet talk first, you know.

A good time to forget

A great prospect, right?

A guy slides what looks like a big rock

A hateful nose... ( muttering )

A hornet deluxe?

A jelly doughnut, for a jellyfish.

A joke, a joke.

A joke?

A leisurely stroll before dinner,

A limousine procession.

A little birdseed cupcake

A little bit higher, please.

A little bit of everything.

A little bit of everything.

A little bit of that,

A little boy on a life of crime?

A little help, please?

A little light cream soup to coat the stomach,

A little nip. A little nip!

A little polish, and we'll have you in perfect shape.

A little waker upper.

A lot of man to man stuff.

A loud rock band that's made up of five nude girls.

A man and a woman, alone, finally, in the apart...

A man and a woman.

A man is presumed innocent until proven guilty.

A man pours his heart out to a woman

A man who sticks up for his friend.

A moment ago we weren't doing that.

A mother can make an honest mistake.

A Mrs. This, a Mrs. That, and a Mrs. Lee.

A napkin with a picture of Grace Kelly.

A neat person.

A nice bow.

A nice girl like that wouldn't get indecently exposed

A nice guy for us to meet.

A nice looking guy

A pact?

A pain in the neck about cleaning up, but...

A parade, huh?

A parade.

A parrot.

A peace offering.

A perfectly unhappy home to come to this?

A pet cemetery.

A picture of a queen's face

A piece of my mind.

A pool hall?!

A pool hall.

A population explosion in the Middle Ages.

A private conversation with you again.

A private little talk, young lady.

A raise? What are you, crazy?

A rat was chasing me.

A red one.

A regular doctor... A team physician,

A relief?

A ring with a mat and ropes and rounds,

A Scrooge they can hate.

A slob like influence on the kid.

A snort?

A special kind of a thing, see.

A three legged elephant if it stepped on you!

A toast.

A transcript of my divorce trial.

A turkey leg reminded you of Felix?

A used paper napkin is valuable?

A very fine example.

A very impressionable age.

A very insightful understanding

A vodka martini, and no olive.

A well rounded human being

A what?

A whole roll of film yet.

A woman I care for...

A worthless check signed by you to me

A yeller has got to have someone

Aah, hope you get mugged by an orphan.

Aah, it's just bad reception, that's all.

Aah!

Aah!

Aah!

About a substance known as soap.

About being called a slob.

About being stuck in the same hotel room together.

About dinner... What's so important

About her furniture polish.

About how McCullough stinks on ice.

About how nice she looks.

About kicking you out of your place, so we took a new vote

About Lust in the Suburbs?

About my flowers on the winning horses.

About taking your shower the night before, Mimi?

About the emotional state of the accused

About the time your precious Albert

About this Sam character.

About unpainted ceilings and dirty socks.

About what goes in his magazine.

About what time I come home for dinner?

About what you said about my Sidney, so there.

About what?

About you and Felix.

About your childhood, are you? No.

Abraham Lincoln lived like this.

Absolutely exhausted!

Absolutely not.

Absolutely not.

Absolutely not.

Absolutely.

Ace bets a dollar.

Ace bets.

Aces and fours!

Aces up.

Acid on the rocks.

Actually, it was Oscar who wasn't too happy.

Actually, you should be talking to Phyllis.

After 13 robberies,

After a while, Felix gets to grow on you.

After all the trouble we went through.

After all, it's a perfectly legitimate play.

After dinner, she wanted to go out for ice cream.

After Felix moved into Oscar's apartment.

After my James Cagney impression of Bond,

After serving seven years of a ten year sentence

After that speech, I thought you'd leave by the chimney.

After the 11:00 news.

After the scene at the beach.

After we acquitted him, court was adjourned,

After what happened in the jury room,

After what?

After you finish shuffling.

After you get dressed.

After you yelled at me, you screamed at me?

Again he was right to fire me?

Again on the floor?

Again with arm wrestling?

Again with the key?

Again with the neck.

Again you play with your tail?

Again?

Agrees with me that's not Felix.

Ah ah ah ah!"

Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.

Ah, come on, Felix.

Ah, come on, honey, come...

Ah, come on, will you?

Ah, Felipe.

Ah, forget it, I'll call you back.

Ah, he's faking.

Ah, heavy.

Ah, here's Mr. One hour late never looks at his watch.

Ah, Igor... welcome to my laboratory.

Ah, just look at him.

Ah, leave me alone.

Ah, me, too, Felix, me, too.

Ah, Mrs. Sammy Lee?

Ah, my beautiful Pigeon sisters.

Ah, of course.

Ah, pesos!

Ah, proud man in blue.

Ah, shut up, and let's play cards.

Ah, thank you, yes, I had that made.

Ah, that's awful.

Ah, that's bad, you see, that makes three.

Ah, then you know what he did to my ear.

Ah, yes.

Ah, you don't have to do anything...

Ah, you know why it sounded?

Ah, you must be old Madison.

Ah, you said I had

Ah, you won't kill him, you won't even throw him out.

Ah, your pet, huh?

Ah!

Ah!

Ah!

Ah! She must've heard you were coming.

Ah! Stole her nose.

Ah! What is it!? Who is it!?

Ah.

Ah.

Ah. Ah.

Ah. Ah.

Ah. Avocados.

Ah. Oh, thanks.

Ah. Thanks.

Ah... it's not your fault, it's not your fault.

Ah... yes. Alicia Hernandez.

Aha, aha! That's probably the fire department right now.

Aha! God punished you.

Aha! What size?

Ahh, now I see it all.

Ahh!

Ahh.

Ahh... you're surprised, aren't you?

Ain't hit by inflation?

Albert Firthstead.

Albert had no peers.

Albert has passed on.

Albert is not going to get

Albert who?

Albert would have wanted it that way.

Albert, hello... Say hello to Oscar.

Albert, you come back here.

Albert!

Albert!

Albert?

Albert.

Albert.

Albert.

Albert... Albert.

Albert... passed on.

Albert's come back.

Albert's sick, he may not make it?

Albert's wife.

Alive and honking.

ALL ( subdued ): Yay.

All alone? Yeah.

All any lady has to do

ALL EXCEPT OSCAR: ♪ 'Tis the season to be jolly ♪

All eyes turn toward the back.

All eyes turn toward the rear...

All fed, diapered,

All I can do is apologize.

All I get from this weirdo is "it's happening, it's today!"

All I have to do is deal him a hand,

All I heard was Oscar once

All I know is that I put the alimony check in the mail,

All I know is this is the first play I've ever seen

All I want you to do is shut up and leave me alone.

All I'm asking you to do is take him out.

All I'm saying is, if you should come back

All in favor, raise your hands.

All my good friends, and what kind of a friend have I been?

All my life I've been this way,

All night long, you've been asking what time it is

All of him?

All of you, sit down here.

All over the country.

All over the inside of this beautiful armor.

All over world, man pursue woman.

All references to violence have been deleted.

All right,

All right, a bet, a thousand dollars.

All right, a nickel, a dime. Come on, let's go.

All right, all right, come on, come on.

All right, all right!

All right, all right.

All right, buddy, that did it.

All right, but please watch your language

All right, come on, let's go.

All right, copper, I'll ante again, all right?

All right, dear. Bye bye.

All right, don't cry.

All right, don't worry, don't worry.

All right, down we go in there.

All right, everybody in, come on, come on.

All right, Felix,

All right, Felix, I admit it,

All right, Felix, I promise, at 7:00, you'll see me

All right, Felix, I want you to do me a favor.

All right, Felix, if I help you,

All right, Felix, what is it?

All right, folks,

All right, for the past 15 years,

All right, freeze.

All right, give me two cards

All right, give me... give me two.

All right, go into your dressing room, set up housekeeping.

All right, here we go.

All right, hold it just a second.

All right, hold on a minute.

All right, I appreciate it.

All right, I don't think

All right, I don't think you took it.

All right, I promise

All right, I think she likes me

All right, I will.

All right, I won't turn Phillip over to the police...

All right, I'll fight you,

All right, I'll go back and stay with the kids at the cabin.

All right, I'll hit you!

All right, I'll shower and shave.

All right, I'll take an antihistamine.

All right, I'll take charge of this group.

All right, I've heard enough.

All right, if my best friend is this upset,

All right, it's on my head.

All right, just once.

All right, killer, that's it.

All right, let it be on your head.

All right, let's go. How about a little bet?

All right, look. We've got four men.

All right, men, let's search the dressing rooms.

All right, now? What is it?

All right, Oscar, go ahead.

All right, Phillip,

All right, Phillip,

All right, sir, next week, regular window.

All right, son, you're in the clear,

All right, son.

All right, son... Are you a real cop?

All right, stand up.

All right, stay dirty.

All right, that proves it.

All right, that's it.

All right, then break the case yourself, Sherlock.

All right, then what's bugging you?

All right, Unger.

All right, we forgive you, too.

All right, we won't play poker.

All right, we'll pretend the singer has just finished

All right, we'll try it.

All right, we're stuck here together.

All right, whoever took it, put it back.

All right, whose deal?

All right, you were standing, if I remember correctly,

All right!

All right!

All right!

All right! Who put the olive pit on the queen of hearts?

All right?

All right.

All right.

All right.

All right.

All right.

All right.

All right.

All right.

All right. Bye bye.

All right. Now... all right.

All right. The slant of the campaign is:

All that medicine you gave him

All that spicy food you ate, no wonder!

All that sticky, phony goodwill.

All the bracelets, everything!

All the fresh air in, see?

All the girls you want.

All the letters are on a little metal ball,

All the place needs is a little sprucing up.

All the rings, all the watches,

All this yelling, man.

All those in favor of continuing the game say "aye".

All those in favor, raise your hands.

All twisted up together.

All we have to do now

All you have so far is a wet wallet!

All you have to do is change completely.

All you need is a good night's sleep.

All you think about is your face.

All you've described is ill feeling.

All you've done on my behalf.

ALL: ♪ Hark the herald angels sing ♪

ALL: ♪ Jingle bells, jingle bells ♪

ALL: Felix?

ALL: Hey hey! Hey hey!

ALL: That makes sense.

ALL: What?!

ALL: Yes.

Allegedly beat up his alleged friend

Almost all of it, anyway.

Alone?

Along with my toilet articles, my cold pills.

Already that's an improvement.

Although I'm very flattered.

Always chewing on a dirty twig.

Always? Not always. Once in a while.

Am I glad to see you.

Am I right?

Am I to gather that you'd

An abandoned Oriental baby!

An afternoon with Brahms.

An angel alone at a table for four.

An autographed hockey puck.

An awful lot of fun doing it, Oscar.

An ex wife is not something you can neatly tuck away

An experienced idiot would know

An extra deck of cards around, do you?

An inexperienced model.

An obnoxious winner. Take your money.

An unarmed homicidal maniac.

And "Don't double dribble"... Aren't they substitutes for...

And 10 five pound weights.

And a beautiful dog.

And a brown jacket.

And a couple I can't mention.

And a couple of babies

And a couple of bars in Greenwich village.

And a hungry crocodile would come along...

And a man is going to save me

And a newspaper looks like it was printed on Swiss cheese?

And a nipple?

And a tape recorder starts, and it takes everything

And a vodka martini with a dietetic olive.

And a yellow sailor hat... Hi.

And after a day with Uncle Oscar,

And again he'll hit you, and that's the way wars begin.

And all the guys are married.

And all the others that we ever do.

And applesauce.

And as for you, you're a dirty old man

And beat the wings off a sugar plum fairy. I'm out.

And beer for breakfast?

And besides, I learned something

And besides, you put the money back, Oscar.

And buried with a sprig of holly through his heart."

And call another doctor.

And came running on ahead

And change your clothes.

And clean up that mess.

And compared to Blanche, everybody looks good.

And croup kettle in choice of color..."

And deals to make.

And depress everybody.

And despite what happened at the Alamo,

And different.

And don't double dribble.

And don't forget, fellas.

And don't forget, hustle over to the banquet

And don't touch the snow.

And Doris was the girl

And Dr. Maurice Schneider.

And dug through all that garbage

And each man in his time plays many parts."

And ends so badly.

And every woman,

And everything will be straightened out.

And everything will look brighter.

And face the camera?

And Felix... try not to cry.

And for this I'm paying them $30 an hour.

And found the paper.

And from there it goes right downhill.

And get out of here.

And get to bed before midnight.

And get up early in the morning.

And go as a sportswriter.

And go back to work...

And go, "round one, round two...

And God bless us all, every one.

And going to the movies together at night.

And got jealous.

And guess what I had for lunch!

And guess what, Mr. Unger?

And had a lot of extra sugar in my glove compartment.

And having myself a dreadful time.

And he doesn't mind doing the dishes.

And he drew another king.

And he galloped off in that direction, I think.

And he got out on the ledge and was going to jump!

And he knows weddings.

And he left me alone with his girl.

And he lived there all his life.

And he picked you to be Ebenezer Scrooge.

And he put them in the hospital for weeks.

And he sent him to the alleged hospital!

And he sent him to the hospital.

And he shot the referee in the leg.

And he talks with food in his mouth!

And he volunteered for combat duty.

And he was stuck in the elevator two hours.

And he'd like to invite you over for dinner.

And he'll say, "I owe it all to Uncle Oscar."

And he's a pain, but I can't believe

And he's going to join us later.

And he's not so bad.

And he's sick.

And he's still a hockey player, not a boxer.

And he's still in his robe.

And help him on the road to recovery.

And help us get out of here?

And here is your sand dabs, cottage cheese

And here we go.

And here, take back your season tickets.

And here's a scratch sheet.

And here's your official bell.

And his credit cards.

And his face wasn't even "now" then.

And his last request is that he play a little longer.

And hold the calls, will you, honey?

And hug and kiss her passionately?

And I can tell that man out there needs help.

And I cleaned the bassinet.

And I could not tell where I was.

And I did, and I do confess!

And I didn't meet her at the airport.

And I don't agree

And I don't take it out on all the guys.

And I guarantee you'll be able to chase

And I guess that's my business.

And I have to admit there are times

And I hope it makes you happy.

And I just sat on a banana.

And I just turned it off.

And I know that that mother will come

And I learned about spittoons.

And I lit candles during the song.

And I must be getting back shortly.

And I notice things.

And I played the fool tonight.

And I put it in a paragraph.

And I raise you half a dollar!

And I really told him off.

And I remember Felix was near the china...

And I remembered

And I say, "It's a beautiful day."

And I say, "Would you like to sit down?

And I scored Ziggy with the winning run.

And I should be...

And I shouldn't be listened to.

And I showed her my wedding pictures,

And I swear she didn't have any clothes on.

And I thank you.

And I thought maybe I could come back

And I told her that Gloria mentioned it at the divorce

And I want two weeks severance pay from you.

And I wanted to cover for you.

And I was drawing to a full house.

And I was really trying to impress you.

And I was wondering

And I will do anything

And I'd hate for you to lose this assignment.

And I'd think, well, they're make believe

And I'll call him.

And I'll check to Mr. Lucky.

And I'll come back and pick you up

And I'll do an article on you that will make you

And I'll have to play it myself, Oscar.

And I'll leave.

And I'll lend him a helping hand in life.

And I'll shoot it as soon as he gets here.

And I'll take it with him.

And I'll tell you what I'd really appreciate.

And I'm a trained pugilist, not a street brawler.

And I'm a woman.

And I'm also not too thrilled

And I'm curious.

And I'm glad Buffingham accepted

And I'm going to be the best Scrooge there ever was!

And I'm going to call Murray the cop.

And I'm going to close all channels of communication.

And I'm gonna sweat them out of here.

And I'm in here getting bad reviews.

And I'm losing money because of it.

And I'm not allowed to open the door without the safety chain,

And I'm not exactly choked up about the fact

And I'm sure I won't crave any an hour from now.

And I'm telling you, the Pigeon sisters

And if I don't start winning,

And if I pull four times...

And if I've lost Harvey Bixley

And if Mandar Cologne catches on,

And if the lettuce is a little gritty, just forget it.

And if we shed tears for Albert,

And if you really love your pet...

And if you should need anything, I'll be right outside this door.

And if you want a program, it'll cost you a buck and a half.

And in a few hours, they'll insist you go.

And in this case, it shouldn't take you too long,

And it better be good.

And it goes like the devil.

And it goes like the devil... you know...

And it was, uh... something else.

And it's all Felix's fault.

And it's our job as jurors to evaluate those degrees.

And join us in the bathtub.

And Jubal... Come on, Masky!

And keep out of drafts.

And kicked up its hind legs and fainted.

And kiss the bride for me, all right?

And leave me alone with my hives.

And let it go on the floor.

And let our minds drift to thoughts of love.

And let's play poker?

And listen to your records...

And look at me trying to explain to them who Walter Brennan is.

And look at this, look at that.

And Mandar cologne smells like a World War II undershirt.

And may I say it's a beautiful day

And maybe take the kid into custody.

And Middleman's galoshes, and secret dog agents.

And Middleman's galoshes?

And Mom, I played eight ball

And Mr. Unger. How do you do?

And my ex best friends.

And my friend had something taken out of it.

And my photographer copped out on me.

And my thermal socks and a box of crackers.

And my third cousin, who I'm not too crazy about.

And no match for a master of self defense.

And no more unbalanced meals.

And no note, either.

And no questions? No!

And no surprises.

And nobody gets out until the guilty party confesses.

And nobody will be any the wiser, all right?

And not guilty?!

And now for the human side of the news...

And now I'll tell you what you are. What?

And now the organ starts "Here Comes the Bride."

And now the place is mine.

And now then, what kind of service

And now they're too embarrassed to put it back.

And now, my little pigeons, it's time to coo.

And now, you shall have your reward.

And on Sunday, when you're married,

And our new wall to wall carpeting.

And perhaps that was careless of me and I'm sorry.

And personality than knowledge and understanding

And put on cloaks and daggers...

And put on my makeup.

And put your feet back up, will you?

And roommate Oscar Madison.

And rotation and five card stud,

And Roy and Speed and Vinnie and Murray...

And Rudy picked your face.

And run all the technical things.

And sentenced after one of the most

And sets in the west.

And she comes back

And she comes up here with the Brady Bunch.

And she couldn't make it...

And she just walks out on him.

And she kissed me.

And she says, "yes."

And she's running through the wheat fields

And show me how?

And shut up and deal already.

And Sister Catherine.

And sleep... sleep... sleep.

And so far, you're the only winner.

And so, from Coolidge Field House,

And some secret ingredients.

And somebody just hit me with a gumdrop.

And Spot.

And stand up like nice gentlemen.

And still look and cook like an angel?

And stole it back again.

And straighten it out right now.

And sure enough, there he was,

And sweet nothings cure his laryngitis?

And tell them we found the body...

And that is not my boss.

And that made you sad?

And that Phyllis and I were reality.

And that we, the living

And that will bring in the tying run.

And that's how we met and became such good friends.

And that's only because I love him.

And that's the way Harvey is.

And that's the word you'll be saying tomorrow morning

And that's when I took out the transcript...

And that's when Madison wanted to kill Unger, hmm?

And that's why she's afraid to tell you.

And that's why you've got to get

And the dancing fool?

And the embassy was surrounded

And the first guy says, "I've got laryngitis, see?"

And the first guy says, "Okay, what's your address?"

And the garbage men would have been back on strike?

And the girls.

And the glasses.

And the government does the rest.

And the groom and best man enter.

And the key word is "adult."

And the locker rooms and everything...

And the monster is yours.

And the music is so loud.

And the New York Mets.

And the only reason I'm here is because my sergeant hates me.

And the other guys think I took it!

And the repairman had to take it back to the shop.

And the sink's been giving me trouble.

And the suspense is killing him.

And the two of them will live sloppily ever after.

And then come back after they're finished.

And then each candidate

And then filet of sole veroni...

And then he bit my ankle.

And then I got to feed the cows

And then I make a couple of phony remarks

And then I'll leave you alone.

And then I'm going to watch the ball game.

And then I'm gonna go down and see my old friend, Cooper.

And then I'm gonna milk the cows

And then it came to me...

And then lose them?

And then my sinuses start to act up.

And then one day the whole thing... over.

And then say, "Felix, I'm an actress in a nude play"?

And then the actors symbolize humanity

And then we moved to London.

And then we'll break up the game early.

And then you do one part scotch, see.

And then you do three parts of malt liquor.

And then you'll put them back on.

And then you'll write another inflammatory column

And then, you'll wake up in the morning

And there goes the humble bottle...

And there was this black garbage can

And there's a fire hydrant out there

And there's a mailbox...

And they balance each other.

And they didn't show up

And they don't have to follow Orioles and Indians

And they resented him for it!

And they want a happening ad campaign.

And they'll attach your wings.

And they're gonna imitate the Radio City Rockettes.

And this is my friend and roommate Sam Mitchell.

And this is the face of any man.

And this one, too.

And tomato on rye?

And tomorrow I'm putting one on my darkroom.

And trying to call this game off.

And two guys sweep stuff away from it.