Perfect Strangers - Season 1 Edit

A baby being rescued from the burning building.

A day or two worth of thank yous is plenty.

A hundred and twenty eight dollars?

A little better.

A party? Are you nuts?

A photojournalist must maintain a modicum of dignity.

A salami sandwich, french fries and two chili dogs.

A shopping cart? A hurtling shopping cart.

A thousand dollar minimum balance.

According to Mypos custom, I have to go far away...

Actually, you know, if you fixed up some of the used things you take in...

After you've made eye contact...

Ah, fantastic. Yes, and speaking of fantastic...

Ah!

All because of this person, who I am not talking to.

All I know is last night, he taught me how to say no...

All right, all right, I'll give him, like, a little test.

All right, come on.

All right, go ahead. Just don't tell her you know me.

All right, good.

All right, here we go.

All right, I'll go. There. I hope you're happy.

All right, I'm gone. I'm out of here. No, no, cousin, cousin.

All right, let's get this over with so I can go home.

All right, look, I'll build you a little driving simulator.

All right, now take your time. Some of these questions can be tricky.

All right, the money. Okay.

All right, up. Bath time is over.

All right, you got a bet. And I'll teach him in my car.

All right.

All right. But this is a little faster than I usually like to operate.

All right. Make yourselves ready.

All you need is someone to teach you how to drive.

Almost neurotic about it.

Am I in debt? Yep.

Am I looking up "Larry Appleton"?

America.

An apple for Larry Appleton.

And all he had to do was take Gorbachev for a walk.

And all of this mess.

And as you lift, you push in. Yes, I know, cousin.

And besides, I'm more of a kind of a talking expert than a, uh... Uh...

And do you know why?

And don't worry about me.

And don't worry, I'll be careful. Okay.

And for you, Susan, your favorite sugarless gum.

And he said, "Right." So...

And here I am.

And here's the money.

And I cannot remember is it brake or gas, the g****fruit.

And I certainly didn't get up on the wrong side of the flock

And I don't know why they call it rush hour because nothing moves.

And I found your father to move in.

And I got up on the roof, and it was covered with pigeons.

And I just want you to know that it's...

And I mean maybe.

And I said, "Of course," because it's only 93 blocks.

And I said, "You give me that." This what we do.

And I want to thank you both for letting me hang out with you anyway.

And I'll go get my truck. Yeah.

And I'm safe, I'm safe, I'm safe. Yes, yes. Now you're safe.

And if he goes, I go.

And if I came up and did that, it would flip around like the tassels on a belly dancer.

And if I'm gonna make it as a photojournalist...

And if she looks back, you know, you kind of hold the look.

And if you don't hit anything, we'II, uh...

And if you ever violate that trust...

And if you let this good person walk out that door...

And if you're not working, I can't take $ 10 a week out of your salary...

And in case you're wondering, they don't do that.

And it's time...

And just pull out into traffic.

And lift.

And now no one will ever know that they came here together.

And push.

And she said to me, "Would you take this to my house?"

And she would say to me, "Balki, don't do that."

And six months later, I took off the cast, and what do you think?

And so then the first one presents his sheep.

And so, when we got there, I had to hook up the antenna..

And that's why this is gonna be so much fun.

And the others say, "This is a very beautiful animal."

And the proof is that nobody even bothered to acknowledge my birthday.

And the year after that?

And then I dip a toe in and call it a day.

And then I got on the bus.

And then I said "no," and he got mad.

And then the next one presents his sheep. But it's just a horrible Iooking animal.

And then the old lady had to come up and drag me off the roof like Tippi Hedren.

And then they come and sit on my neck, and I don't like that.

And then tonight...

And then, the sheep looks up, right into their faces...

And then, when you move these two big speakers...

And they say, "This has got to be the most ugly animal in the worid."

And they were coming toward me because they want to peck me.

And this furniture is not.

And this is Sandra from the doughnut shop. Oh, hi. Hi.

And this junk will be gone before lunch

And this may surprise you, but I need you too.

And this must be Balki

And to prove it, I want you to go out there this afternoon...

And today, I get to laugh in a man's face.

And tonight, I'll teach you how to balance your checkbook.

And what does he have?

And why not? Last night all my horse accounts paid off.

And you are telling me that he's not going to embarrass me?

And you didn't even worry about your car.

And you didn't think I'd catch on? Turn it on.

And you don't have to tell me how terrible I'm going to feel...

And you learned something. Actually, you learned the same thing.

And you'll never do this again. Never again.

And you're not a quitter. You know why?

And you're welcome.

And? That's the punch line.

And...

And... What this?

And... What this?

Another letter from Ed McMahon.

Anxious. Upset. Irritable.

Anybody for the salad bar? There is no salad bar.

Appleton, front and center. I'm planning a real big poker game tonight.

Are you crazy?

Are you done?

Are you kidding? You're a lieutenant.

Aren't we all? What? No, no.

Aren't you happy for me? Yeah, why not?

As soon as I pay back Twinkletoes and put my whole family through college...

Ask me how I paid for these things.

At 3 a. M? That's what they said.

At 24, I was supposed to win a Pulitzer Prize.

At least until my car depreciates another year.

Aw. Now you see you're not a failure, because you have friends.

Backwards? It's a figure of speech.

Balki Bartokomous.

Balki Claus is coming to town.

Balki would like to open a checking account.

Balki, Balki, Balki

Balki, Balki, no, no, no.

Balki, Balki, please.

Balki, Balki.

Balki, Balki.

Balki, do you have any idea how much minimum wage is?

Balki, do you...? Do you think that l...?

Balki, Dolly Parton just went for a walk with the guy she's with.

Balki, don't do that.

Balki, don't you see what happened?

Balki, get out of my way. No.

Balki, give him your money.

Balki, give him your money.

Balki, give me my camera. No.

Balki, how can you sleep at a time like this?

Balki, how did you pay for these things?

Balki, I apologized.

Balki, I can't move my arms.

Balki, I don't know these people.

Balki, I want you to do me a big favor. You want me to watch the store?

Balki, I want you to do me a big favor. You want me to watch the store?

Balki, I'd like to apologize.

Balki, I'm sorry.

Balki, is that you?

Balki, it's only a driver's license.

Balki, let me make something absolutely clear.

Balki, meet Susan. She's our neighbor. Hi. Nice to meet you.

Balki, no, no. Thank you.

Balki, save something for your honeymoon.

Balki, she's having an affair.

Balki, sit this one out.

Balki, that little old lady took advantage of you.

Balki, that was the photo editor from the Chicago Weekly Gazette.

Balki, that's not how you meet women. That's how muggers meet women.

Balki, this is my first sale. Oh, cousin.

Balki, this is not a test. I repeat, this is not a test.

Balki, watch and learn.

Balki, what happened?

Balki, would you please shine my shoes?

Balki, would you shine my shoes?

Balki, you did it. I'm proud of you. Thank you, Cousin Larry.

Balki, you gotta go to a place where single women hang out.

Balki, you have to stop doing that to Susan.

Balki, you're alive.

Balki, you've gotta be nice to these people.

Balki?

Balki?

Balki.

Balki.

Balki. Balki, you got rid of my things, my things, my things!

Balki. Balki.

Balki. Balki.

Balki. Balki. Balki.

Balki. My back. It doesn't hurt.

Balki...

Basketball? Loved it. Loved it.

Beautifully put. But you're the one who passed the test.

Because everybody has somebody on his right.

Because I have a squirrel in this one.

Because that is what responsible people do.

Because you were born with the desire to make yourself better.

Because you're cracked

Before you know it, I'm an 80 year old aspiring photojournalist.

Big news. I'm going on my first American date tomorrow night

Blue.

Bo, bo, bo, bo.

Boy, Chicago is a big place.

Boy, somebody got up on the wrong side of the flock.

Boy, you are grumpy in the morning.

Boy, you're taking this hard.

Boys, my beloved wife.

Boys, put this little goldmine out for our customer to pick up.

Buckle up. Start the car.

Bus, bus, bus.

Bus, bus, bus.

But anybody can do it. I mean, you see a woman, you smile.

But he said, "No, you have to go to the big city of Chicago...

But how do I get my money when I want to use it?

But I could pay you back if you give me a job.

But I don't know about banks.

But I know that couldn't be true...

But I'm a better person for it.

But if everyone is singing and dancing, they don't point to one man and say:

But if I do that for you...

But it better be convincing.

But it'll work. Balki fixed it.

But it's 3 in the morning. I don't believe it..

But no.

But now I find you.

But the customer likes him, and that's why they come back.

But the man at the bank said...

But the TV works like a charm.

But then, as I recall, this male member is a code violator...

But then, I've taken this job to pay the bills.

But things are looking up. "Photo by Larry Appleton."

But this is America. Open all night.

But this is my mad money.

But to make it up, I won't charge you for the hour I worked.

But who was it that said:

But you can build on that.

But you don't

But you made me stick with it when I was ready to throw up the towel.

But you promised to teach me.

But you said you don't want anyone to even say "birthday."

But you shouldn't do it because you feel you have to.

But you sold his hat rack.

But you wouldn't let me.

But, you know...

Buttock pinches.

Buy something or get out.

By somebody named "Pat Pending."

Bye bye, now.

Bye bye. Happy birthday. Bye.

Bye. Bye bye.

Can I be candid?

Can I come with you? Okay, okay.

Can I help you? Yeah.

Can I say, "Watch the birdie"? No.

Can I take her with me? No.

Can I try it? Oh, oh...

Can somebody help me, please?

Can we get on with this? We're on our lunch break.

Can you do Lacey?

Can you fix any radio?

Can't stay long, pal.

Color TV.

Come here, Susan.

Come on, Appleton.

Come on, everybody, feel the beat. Put on your boogie sandals.

Come on, Gorbachev. If you're good, we'll feed you a mailman

Come on, put them up.

Come on. Open it up.

Come on. Go. Nice to meet you too.

Come over here to me.

Congratulations.

Could you folks excuse us for just a minute?

Couldn't remember? It's the brake. It's the brake.

Cousin Larry has a bad back.

Cousin Larry, come over here.

Cousin Larry, did you get the picture?

Cousin Larry, Dimitri...

Cousin Larry, don't you notice anything different?

Cousin Larry, I don't know what you want.

Cousin Larry, I have been looking at the manual.

Cousin Larry, I'm so happy.

Cousin Larry, what this?

Cousin Larry, when a person learns something about himself...

Cousin Larry, you know, someday, I'm going to look at you and say:

Cousin Larry, you were nice to that person on the phone.

Cousin Larry, you'll let me use your car again?

Cousin Larry?

Cousin Larry? What?

Cousin Larry? What?

Cousin Larry? Cousin Larry?

Cousin, cousin, relax. I may be nervous, but I know my g's and u's.

Cousin, how did it go at the newspaper?

Cousin, I need to take a break.

Cousin, I throw it together at the last minute...

Cousin, I'll do this for you.

Cousin, there's nothing here.

Cousin, would you please let me fix this?

Cousin, you just didn't sell one picture. No, it's not just the one picture.

Cousin, you look miserable. Why don't you go lie down?

Cousin, your back is still hurting.

Cousin? Cousin, cousin, don't do that. I'm just gonna hang up my coat.

Cousins should joke more. Yes, yes, they should.

Cover the left eye, please.

Cover the other eye.

Crullers. How did you know? I didn't.

Current address, 6... 627 Lincoln Boulevard.

Damn. It occurred to you too.

Dance. Five, six, seven, eight.

Darn. One more and we would've had a perfect pyramid.

Did anybody notice? No.

Did he say something about Dolly Parton? Did he say she was going out?

Did I forget to mention that the jerks didn't want to buy my photograph?

Did I tell you my joke about the three sheepherders?

Did not. You did too.

Did you enjoy going to the basketball game with my husband?

Did you get lucky?

Did you give me the key?

Did you like Mypos food?

Didn't you have a driver's license back in Mypos?

Didn't.

Do Cagney for me again. Oh, no.

Do I stand behind my products?

Do me a favor. Lock up before you go to bed, okay?

Do what?

Do you come here often? No.

Do you have any sweatshirts? Right over there.

Do you mean my savings too? Yes, yes, your savings too.

Do you mind if I call you turnip?

Does Telly Savalas love you, baby?

Does that mean I don't get to play St. Francis in the school play?

Doesn't matter now. My birthday's over.

Dolly Parton is staying in town secretly.

Dolly Parton wouldn't do that.

Dolly Parton. Bye.

Dolly Parton. I love her.

Don't be ridiculous.

Don't be ridiculous. I am not born in the U.S.A.

Don't be ridiculous. It's because he sees we're both good persons.

Don't be shy. Come, come.

Don't do that.

Don't forget to fold up the couch. You left it open yesterday.

Don't move. Just stand there. Can you do that?

Don't point.

Don't talk like that.

Don't tell me.

Don't they have anything on Mypos besides sheep?

Don't they?

Don't worry about me. I know where I'm going.

Don't worry. I know the correct way to lift without putting stress on my back.

Don't worry. No turnips allowed.

Don't you ever, ever do that again.

Don't you ever, ever do that again.

Don't you ever, ever do that again.

Don't you ever, ever do that again.

Don't you give me that face.

Don't you realize what you've done to me?

Don't you see the significance of this?

Don't you see what's happened?

Don't you think it would be easier in your car?

Don't you understand anything about banking?

Donald, the strangest thing.

Donald? Sold.

Donnie, I want you to watch me spend your money.

Door three. Door number two.

Easier for you, not for me.

Easy for you, you're a happening guy.

Easy, I'm not a nice person. Now pay me.

Edwina, my pet.

Eh.

Erotic? Don't be ridiculous.

Even better.

Even you, my best friend...

Every day, the first thing he does when he comes in...

Every panhandler on the block knows you by your first name: Sucker.

Everyone is looking at us. I don't like that.

Everything. Now, get it.

Everything's fine. Just a little tense.

Excuse me a moment.

Excuse me, he means no harm.

Excuse me, I think my friend here may have made a hasty act here.

Excuse me, sir. Me and Lou, we gotta run.

Excuse me. I'm interested in this chair.

Excuse us.

Eye contact. Like the Three Stooges?

Face it, we both know the yo yo can't get a license.

Feeble. Boy, that was feeble.

Fine. You didn't lock me in. There was no one at the door.

Finished? How could you be? I knew all the answers.

Fired? He just gave you official papers to take a nice walk.

Five hundred bucks. You got it. Here's a $50 deposit.

Fix this old radio, and he's got a job.

Flowers.

For example, I wanna be a photojournalist.

For instance, you could come here and borrow money yourself.

For the party and for helping to keep my dream alive.

Forty five dollars. That was a couple hundred dollars' worth of stuff.

Forty five. Forty five bucks? That hat rack was solid brass.

Frank had a heart attack?

Frank was so happy he wasn't dead that he gave me my driver's license.

Friend, member of the male brotherhood.

Gentlemen and turnip...

Gentlemen, front and center. I'm going to the track.

Give somebody a white cane, they think they own the sidewalk.

Go ahead, say something.

Go away.

Go slow. Take it easy. Be cool.

Go work on the radio.

Good deal, huh?

Good morning, America.

Good morning, cheers, and top of the day.

Good morning, Mr. Twinkacetti.

Good morning, turnips. Boy, am I a lucky guy.

Good night, Balki.

Good night.

Good night. Good night.

Good opening line, Cousin Larry, but she is my date.

Good, huh?

Good, huh? Very good, I'm very proud of you.

Good.

Goodbye, American cousin. Nice to meet you.

Goodbye, love goddess.

Goodbye.

Goodnight, Susan. Goodnight. I had a great time.

Gorbachev took off after her, dragging me behind like a rag doll.

Gorbachev? A dog the size of a Buick.

G****fruit is the brake. Who doesn't know that?

Great, just what I need. I'm babysitting for the Hound of the Baskervilles.

Great.

Green and red are gonna be on later. You might wanna stay up and watch.

Grim, isn't it?

Gus went on his break.

Gus, this means a lot to me. Thanks.

Ha, ha! Fine. Oh!

Ha!

Hanging in there is part of what the American spirit is all about. Yes.

Happy birthday to you

Happy birthday to you Happy birthday to you

Happy birthday, dear...

Happy birthday, guy

Happy birthday!

Happy birthday. Thank you.

Happy? Getting fired does not make me happy.

Have you noticed the time? Yes, I've noticed the time.

He can do anything he puts his mind to.

He can not do to you what is my fault.

He could be lying out there injured. How can you think of money?

He grovels great.

He is doomed.

He is so cute.

He looks up to me. How can I cast him aside?"

He make everything perfect for you, and you won't find anyone to do better.

He was always loyal to you.

He went for his driver's test two hours ago and never came back.

He'll take that one.

He's excited. He should be.

He's from another country. And he has a head injury.

Hear, hear.

Hello, Gus.

Hello, Levi. My name is Balki.

Hello, Mrs. Twinkacetti.

Hello, Ritz... Hello, hello, Ritz Discount.

Hello, Susan. Hi.

Hello?

Hello? Oh, hello, Larry's mommy. How are you?

Hello.

Hello.

Hello. The Ritz.

Help me get this furniture upstairs.

Here he is. Go ahead.

Here you go. Open it up. You gonna open it?

Here's your written test. Over there.

Hey, but we had fun, didn't we?

Hey, g**** leaf, turn on the radio.

Hey, mama. You be getting down with your bad self.

Hey, we're having a good time.

Hey, where do you get off anyway?

Hey, you are one lucky dude to have him as your friend.

Hey, you disappeared pretty fast.

Hey, you know, this sounds like a song from my country.

Hey, you lucked out. You got a good one.

Hey! Hey.

Hey! Hey!

Hey! Hey!

Hey! Hey!

Hey! Hey! Hey!

Hey.

Hey. I'm asking for a favor.

Hi, guys. Oh, hi, Susan.

Hi, Larry. Oh, hi, Susan.

Hi, Larry. Sorry, no time. Gotta run.

Hi, Mr. Twinkacetti. Rotten day, isn't it?

Hi, Mr. Twinkacetti. The handicapped harassing you again?

Hi, Susan, Tina. Hi.

Hi.

Higher, higher, higher.

His only mistake was to be good friend to me.

Ho, ho, ho!

Home of the Whopper.

How can I say this?

How can you miss a big, yellow bus with large flashing lights?

How much do you like me?

How you did that?

I actually have my own bachelor pad. You want a beer?

I also bought you this nice bug light.

I am a car butcher.

I am a lowly immigrant who dared to dream.

I am a sheepherder.

I am begging you.

I am dirt.

I am dirt.

I am dirt.

I am dirt.

I am not one of them. I don't like to sing. I don't like to dance.

I am sorry forever.

I am sorry forever.

I am sorry forever."

I am suffering a personal crisis of major proportion...

I am the sweat of a pig.

I am the sweat of a pig.

I am...

I am...

I am...

I bartered, like we do at the marketplace on Mypos.

I believe in you.

I bought you new furniture.

I can die happy now. Right.

I can fix anything.

I can fix things.

I can grovel.

I can't believe it.

I can't believe it.

I can't believe you did this.

I can't give up my dream of becoming a photojournalist.

I can't let you invade her privacy.

I can't sleep.

I can't wait to hit the highway.

I can't.

I come from Wisconsin.

I cook all day for you and still you're not talking to me.

I could come to this bank and borrow my own money and then pay them interest?

I could? Sure.

I could've bought a new couch, but no, I had to buy a used one.

I demand a recount.

I did it

I did just what you told me. It didn't work.

I didn't even know you were coming.

I didn't see a school bus.

I didn't want to get on the expressway, but I got confused.

I don't believe it. That radio never sounded that good brand new.

I don't deserve a driver's license. I don't even deserve a library card.

I don't even want to hear the word, "birthday."

I don't have a driver's license.

I don't have a sack.

I don't know what you're talking about

I don't know. I guess I just wasn't in the mood to celebrate this year.

I don't like to be embarrassed.

I don't need any pagan cures.

I don't think it's right just because she has a public figure.

I don't think so.

I don't think that's the kind of date he's talking about.

I don't wanna talk about it.

I feel bad about not getting back to him.

I feel like a fool to come here and bother you.

I feel terrible. I was thinking...

I fell asleep before I got to test it.

I finally got a break.

I found $600 in your office...

I found out why she's staying under an assumed name.

I give up. Why?

I got a tip from a friend who works at the Wycliffe Hotel.

I got it.

I got one wrong? It's okay. You passed.

I got one wrong? Only one. That's fantastic.

I got that furniture you ordered. Oh, wonderful.

I got to the hotel just as her cab was pulling away.

I gotta get downstairs for the night owl edition.

I gotta get this picture.

I gotta hurry if I wanna catch them. Do me a favor.

I guess so.

I had an accident in Cousin Larry's car.

I had the chance to get an exclusive photograph of a famous person.

I hate these old customs.

I have a job now that pays minimum wage. Shh!

I have a little corner of it growing on my dining room table.

I have heard so much about you.

I have made eye contact.

I have no integrity. Of course you do.

I have so much to learn.

I have spent my whole life avoiding embarrassing situations.

I have to run upstairs and protect Susan's legs from rodents.

I haven't done that in a while either.

I help you anyway. Thank you.

I hope he didn't take advantage of you

I hope whoever it is brought a chain saw.

I jumped into another cab and said, "Follow that car."

I just hide it better the rest of the day.

I just moved 12 tons of bodybuilding equipment...

I just remembered. I got a truckload of bodybuilding equipment downtown.

I just sold a thousand bucks' worth of equipment for 500?

I just wanted to get a picture of a famous person committing adultery.

I just was hoping we could wait a little longer.

I knew I was right.

I knew it was somebody important.

I know how to be cool.

I know, but I said to him, "You want to take a left?"

I know, I know.

I know. I can hardly believe it myself.

I know. Sit, sit.

I learned I was a sleaze.

I like that shirt.

I like that story.

I look everywhere for you.

I made a fool out of myself. I am so embarrassed.

I made a public spectacle out of myself.

I made you get that bank account and I didn't take the time to explain the basics.

I may as well throw my master plan right out the window.

I mean, it's not that I don't trust you.

I mean, my car is very special to me.

I met one fox like American woman.

I might be able to borrow your...?

I never gave it a thought. Did you put on the parking brake?

I never knew fixing a radio could be so quiet.

I now put on you the Mypos Kiss of Silence.

I only talk to my friends.

I open the door for her, I pull out the chair, I don't speak with my mouth full...

I overreacted. I owe you an apology. I'm sorry.

I prefer more formal situations, you know, uh...

I really don't wanna meet anyone.

I said that.

I say to everyone, "Have you seen Larry?"

I see.

I see. So we're sort of related by rumor.

I sense you have left out some small but important detail.

I should've gone into motel management. Or nut farming with my uncle Leo.

I shouldn't be teaching you anything. I don't know how to have fun.

I shouldn't take advantage of a fellow member of the male brotherhood.

I sold a picture. That's great. Fabulous.

I sold it to Mr. Twinkacetti.

I sold it.

I sold that chair, and that fan, and that brass coat rack.

I suppose he can just listen. All right, one moment.

I suppose he can just listen. All right, one moment.

I suppose this means you also didn't bake me a cake?

I suppose you're gonna tell me there was no one at the door

I teach high school geography.

I think I'll just hit the sack. I think I'll just hit the sack.

I think it's time I took your back by the horns.

I think that's a little out of your league.

I think we should get some practice...

I think we should take a few more practice spins around the living room...

I think we're out of ice.

I think you won't admit it. But you really did have fun tonight.

I thought you were going to your citizenship class.

I told you all sales are final.

I told you to hit the brake. Yes, but you confused me.

I tore my clothes. I sprained my ankle.

I tried to call you from the hospital, but the phones were being used.

I understand.

I volunteered my car.

I walk the streets. I search the alleys.

I wanna get close enough to get the picture.

I want it to be a surprise.

I want the rest of my money.

I want to worship your painted toenails.

I want you to pick it up. Shouldn't take your more than a whole day.

I want you to watch the store.

I want you to watch the store.

I was a fool to think that ever I could have a license like a real American.

I was more concerned about my car than your feelings.

I was one of nine kids.

I was over at the doughnut shop and what's his name came in.

I was supposed to sell my first photograph when I was 16.

I was thinking that you probably didn't go to a basketball game last night.

I was willing to destroy a person's reputation...

I was wrong, I'm sorry I pouted. There.

I wasn't inviting you.

I won't forget this.

I would not shine your shoes if my life depend on it.

I would probably be arrested for speed reading.

I would rather spend the evening with Jabba the Hutt.

I would've been dragged to my death...

I wrote checks.

I wrote on your birthday card.

I, on the other hand, like to make sure there's water, a lifeguard...

I'll bet it did.

I'll do better. Okay.

I'll explain it some other time, huh?

I'll get back on that horse. You bet you.

I'll get it

I'll get it

I'll get it. No, no, cousin.

I'll give you $65 for this furniture, turnip.

I'll hide the party stuff, and that way, we all surprise him at the same moment.

I'll hide the party stuff, and that way, we all surprise him at the same moment.

I'll make an exception just to say this.

I'll never be nice again.

I'll show it who's boss. That's the spirit.

I'll take care of this.

I'll tell you why, because nobody ever returns your calls.

I'll work, I'll take your abuse, but I won't lie to your wife for you.

I'm 24. Time ran out at midnight.

I'm a failure.

I'm a loser in life.

I'm a professional sheepherder.

I'm a true American.

I'm Balki Bartokomous.

I'm going to my citizenship class. Balki, you can't do this to me.

I'm going. Yeah.

I'm gonna buy back my furniture for what you paid Balki for it.

I'm gonna go put on my face. Sure, easy for you.

I'm gonna tell you something about my upbringing I have never told you.

I'm grumpy all the time.

I'm hungry.

I'm lucky I wasn't killed.

I'm not allowed to move.

I'm not even gonna dignify that with a response.

I'm not smart enough to call the hotel and find out what he said?

I'm only doing this for you.

I'm pathetic.

I'm proud of you. Yeah?

I'm so lucky to be here.

I'm so sorry.

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hurt anyone.

I'm sorry, it's just that getting a driver's license is very important to him.

I'm sorry. You're sorry?

I'm sorry. All out of little gold stars.

I'm sorry. I'm just nervous about my date.

I'm turning right now. Signal. Signal. Signal!

I'm very nervous.

I'm very proud.

I'm your friend.

I'm, uh, looking for a "Balki Bartokomous."

I've got Cousin Larry locked in the closet.

I've got it.

I've got the talent, and Dolly Parton is my luck.

I've got to be there at 6 to sign a release and get paid.

I've spent 5 hours coming to a realization.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again.

If four persons come to a four way stop at the same moment...

If he's not her husband, what's he doing in her room?

If I can get a picture of her before anyone knows she's in town...

If I had a toy, I had to share it with eight other kids.

If I pick any losers, I'll think of you. Move it. Move it. Get away from my money.

If I walked as far on my little island of Mypos as I just walked...

If I wanna hear a good idea, I'll go to a smarter source than you...

If I wanted to be a photojournalist with integrity...

If it isn't tweedledum and tweedledumber.

If it wasn't for you, I'd still be throwing myself at women's feet.

If that man was your driving examiner, you'd be in a lot of trouble.

If the building was to burn down, where would your money be?