The Odd Couple - Season 1 Edit

A 2:00 a.m. dance off?

A 30 day moratorium on any contact whatsoever.

A baby whose apartment was ransacked in the night.

A classic New York adventure.

A couple of fellows

A couple of good spots have opened up, uh...

A couple of these...

A date? I'm not ready to date.

A failed gymnast?

A few things might need to change.

A hopeless romantic.

A horrible, horrible mistake.

A hundred to one shot called Lucky Lady,

A kid with no friends?

A little bit of food on your mouth.

A little help?

A lot of people who take those pills,

A lot of the affiliates switched over to senior bowling.

A man who is marinating in sex and booze and filth

A mascot brought

A meerkat.

A perfectly nice book about baseball.

A picture of Casey's bare feet.

A pleasure.

A prince doesn't let a princess get away.

A quiet night alone drinking tea.

A real man always takes his mama's calls

A receipt for a silver bracelet.

A scathing indictment of our sports obsessed society.

A sexy...

A sports reference. God made you right.

A stern but loving German housekeeper.

A stripper had to pop me out.

A virgin?

A visit to the emotional

A! S!

Aah!

Aah! Aah! Aah!

About 30 hours.

About a guy who has two talents...

About a sports talk show called The First String.

About all the things we have in common.

About breaking up with my first girlfriend,

About fate finding me someone wonderful.

About impressing the guys in some stupid softball game?

About my Pep Squad uniform, and you said,

About the doughnuts.

About what?

About your hygiene and...

Acting casual.

Activate that quad there

Actually, I think I said, "He's our ride."

Actually, that was a pleasantry.

Actually, we should be thanking you.

Actually, why don't you rest up?

Adjusted.

Afraid that I'm gonna bring the pain?

After Felix.

After I searched public records

After she spent the whole day on it.

After weeks of practice, I have successfully mastered

After you and Gaby separated,

After... look out!

Again?

Against the clock, I'll just have you sign a release.

Agent's work is never done.

Ah, buh buh buh buh buh buh.

Ah, cat's back.

Ah, Felix, we couldn't have done it

Ah, I messed around a little bit.

Ah, I think Murph's got a little crush on you.

Ah, I was afraid of that.

Ah, that's my snack alert.

Ah, there she is. Is it time for champagne?

Ah, TV's fine.

Ah, well... ah... should we go?

Ah, yeah, that's it.

Ah, yes, Dani, very nice. I like this one

Ah, you won't fool me tw... Oh!

Ah, your first mistake. Once I get on a roll...

Ah!

Ah!

Ah!

Ah! Really?

Ah! You're hilarious.

Ah.

Ah.

Ah. Marilyn, take good care of him.

Ah. Shall we?

Aka the human pretzel.

Alan isn't a serial killer.

All I heard was "life or death."

All I know is when we were struggling financially,

All non talent off of the stage!

All of my book club bros.

All of this... this is just part of your journey.

All right,

All right,

All right, Felix, we can play basketball

All right, fine, we'll just go around back

All right, for God's sakes, what is going on?

All right, gifts, everybody, gifts.

All right, guys, this is the last game in the season.

All right, I'll see you guys tomorrow.

All right, I'm gonna go upstairs and write that book.

All right, let's go.

All right, let's settle this like men.

All right, listen up, New Yorkers.

All right, Oscar, it's time for me to be your agent again.

All right, so you're done playing

All right, this time I'm ready for you

All right, what the hell?

All right, you can play.

All right, you guys have ten minutes.

All right, you hold, I pull.

All right, you're done.

All right.

All right.

All season.

All sexual desire because your body feels,

All she wanted was sex with no feeling.

All the little behind the scenes tricks.

All to make your father happy, but no one ever asked

ALL: Surprise!

Almost there.

Also happens to be the anniversary of the day

Also ice, cake, decorations, gifts, music and guests.

Also known as "Exhibit A" when I use it to smother Felix.

Also, we can't find anything in the kitchen

Although I I did have one question for you.

Although I'm glad to see you working as a team.

Although I'm guessing Paulie from Boston will disagree.

Although, if it's on your way, I could use 50 pounds of ice.

Although, junior year, I was voted "Most Limber Boy."

Although, my first love is portraiture,

Always conflicted with the fall musical.

Always on the sideline, never on the field.

Am I forgetting anything?

Am I still trending?

Amazing? At the end, God was shouting our names.

An existential crisis.

An odd conversation with a man called Milos.

An old man who's willing

And a cowgirl.

And a dear, dear friend.

And a good friend.

And a little bit yours.

And a little nudge from their friend Felix

And a loaded baked potato.

And a more delightful companion you will not find.

And a secret trip taker!

And according to my calculations,

And after a quick clarification

And also joining us today

And as firm as a nun teaching gym class.

And as soon as she did, I was convinced that I had it.

And at this rate, it will reach my heart in 36 hours, so...

And away from all these idiots

And become the totally centered man

And been more delicate with my bow pull.

And being an NBA All Star...

And between us, we've won two NBA championships.

And can we shove him back in there?

And carried me around in a wicker basket.

And Casey and her sister.

And changed his name.

And chicken fingers. You said you'd buy me chicken fingers.

And cleaned the cards.

And clearly he's not over his marriage.

And covered in a downy fur.

And did he steal this jaw from Superman?!

And doesn't want her parking validated.

And don't worry, I will do my best to look surprised.

And ended up in this train wreck?

And everybody is just out for themselves.

And feel free to stop me at any point.

And find our hidden reserves of strength.

And find out what's wrong.

And found out when Felix's birthday was.

And fudging receipts, and no one looks at him twice.

And get on with my life.

And get them all mixed up.

And give you that extra burst of energy.

And give your kidneys permission to dance.

And got you some of that special energy tonic you like.

And gracefully transitioning into plow.

And have a tea party.

And have them do it exactly the way I thought they should.

And he just wasn't ready to get married.

And he said it right in front of me, so I had to agree.

And he seemed really depressed.

And he thinks you're hilarious.

And here's some other money you probably lost and deserve.

And his sex.

And how could you know Ashley's seeing someone?

And how he was pulled back from the abyss...

And I already have you for that.

And I am his platonic roommate.

And I came into this world".

And I can make a pair of tap shoes talk.

And I can't break up with her,

And I certainly don't need a lecture.

And I didn't need some stupid algorithm.

And I don't have my instruments, so...

And I don't need to see them now.

And I don't want to pull anything when I kick his ass.

And I drove my students away

And I envy how good you are at being a dude.

And I got a bathtub in my kitchen.

And I got to defend myself.

And I had to jump out the window.

And I have a surprise for you.

And I have just the thing.

And I have more meatball sub on my shirt

And I know that also describes me,

And I know things got a little tense between us,

And I live with my sister, who is super needy and emotional,

And I loved watching you eat your first Sour Patch Kid.

And I need you guys to help me

And I overheard him talking

And I quote... "Shake that cake."

And I see this gorgeous creature stumble.

And I think it's very sweet.

And I think tonight's gonna be the night.

And I think you do, too, if you could look down deep,

And I think you'll be happier if you know the facts.

And I told your bookie you're dead.

And I want to wish you a happy birthday.

And I will be able to sleep guilt free

And I will get you pliers

And I will lose the best doctor in New York.

And I will never forget that!

And I won't get in the way.

And I would love it if you could all make it.

And I... I left it behind when I moved out.

And I'm a little bit older,

And I'm planning on asking her out on another date.

And I'm the cranky pain in the ass.

And I've never seen anything quite so moving.

And I've pretty much given up on trying to find someone new.

And if Felix took a sleeping pill, why isn't he sleeping?

And if I know Felix Unger, he's never rude.

And if you back out now, it'll be rude.

And if you ever teach again,

And it didn't kill those children who made it.

And it has that obscure cross street...

And it looks fantastic in the back hallway.

And it'll make you feel less guilty.

And it's going to be...

And it's just a few small things.

And just rub it in that jerk's face.

And just tell him that I've developed feelings.

And keep those buttocks even.

And Kenny Smith for doing my show.

And kill the mood.

And lands in the street.

And last time he touched Pete Rose's thigh.

And later they have no idea what happened.

And let's stretch out our hips for eagle.

And maybe...

And me, but you'll see that when you read the card.

And move on with the next chapter of my life.

And my .375 average, Mr. Too Slow to Steal a Base.

And nice to know you've hit rock bottom

And no, it did not make sense in context!

And none of that is what we ordered.

And not at the Mensa meeting?

And notice how she left her hair down today,

And now my fingers are numb.

And now we will gracefully press on through,

And now we will rise up into warrior two.

And now, I make fast food look good

And once I compile the data,

And only more meddling can get them out!

And Oscar Madison.

And Oscar, you can find a new girlfriend.

And our friend Oscar Madison is going to be on TV.

And pay bills on it.

And putting out a grease fire.

And rats don't die right away in those traps.

And remember what we talked about in the cab.

And rumored to be a fantastic lover.

And see the view from the terrace?

And she brought him with us on the trip.

And she eats a lot and still looks like that, so...

And she just threw her arms around me and...

And she ordered fries with her lunch

And she's gonna be back soon. Let's move it.

And she's never missed a Knicks home game.

And she's not even in the lobby.

And since you do such great work for Oscar,

And smoke your own jerky.

And so I gave him a sleeping pill.

And so it shall be again.

And so you're not that kind of guy.

And some moron in a hot dog suit

And some very positive comments.

And square your hips like so.

And starting out in downward dog,

And stay and do the hard work.

And stop being so hard on yourself.

And take another aspirin.

And take you all out for breakfast.

And talking about true love and happy endings.

And Teddy just dismisses it.

And Teddy's coming by later with the cake.

And that Beaver was your only client.

And that ends round one.

And that feels like a major crisis to you?

And that I had to focus on baseball.

And that is gross!

And that's how we do it in New York.

And the chocolate sauce is motor oil.

And the floors are running in series,

And the flowers.

And the hot dog goes free.

And the jewels will be ours.

And the last year you were the only one who was going.

And the making out?

And the picture of the goat

And the rest is history.

And the sounds are so crisp, and the colors...

And the Unger Cut is at war with my boxer briefs.

And then did we continue that discussion

And then going home to the wives.

And then he called me "smart guy."

And then I meet this sad, funny,

And then McTavish here volunteered

And then we get to talking. I invite her back to my place

And then we'll...

And then when she finally saw it, it was all smudged,

And then you came along and...

And then you can just give me a 20

And then your organs shut down,

And then, I'm gonna bring back some of my poems.

And then, Oscar, we started talking

And there is that wandering buttock again.

And there's only one way for it to come out.

And there's Oscar telling us they're engaged.

And there's your favorite waitress

And these

And throw yourself on top of him.

And told you the truth years ago,

And tomorrow I shall parade

And tomorrow,

And use the service elevator.

And was tempted to see if I was here?

And wash up for dinner.

And watch the game with you.

And watch The Notebook tomorrow,

And we start in prasarita,

And we were lucky enough to have little Jimbo Junior.

And we'll have a lot more because we're free

And we're going to a movie, but it doesn't start for an hour,

And we're off.

And we're out of time.

And what exactly is so fascinating about my cleavage?!

And whatever you do, don't ask him about the...

And while I cannot guarantee success...

And who's this?

And why are you wearing my Jonathan Toews jersey?

And with that, I bid you good night.

And wouldn't you like to try something new?

And yell, "Clear!" and just go to town

And yes, I still have the same last name

And you clearly did not.

And you gave me that

And you hung out with my ex wife and some other guy,

And you just let him walk away?

And you kept it from me.

And you know how I know?

And you know what they say about roller skating.

And you know who does that? A bad friend!

And you never go to the doctor so that you can live in denial.

And you ruined what was supposed to be

And you would know what that means if you ever

And you're down ten sports points.

And you're paying me. I like money.

And you're probably a lot smarter,

And you're welcome to play on my softball team any time.

And you're wrong about me. I do care about him

And you've taught me the importance of honesty.

And your basketball hit me in the face.

And your fingers splayed...

And your Knicks got lucky last night.

And your soul.

And your ten TVs.

And your toes are laughing.

And, Emily, we believe in you.

And, Felix, you're right. Maybe I should be more discerning

And, I don't know, maybe it's just never gonna happen for me.

And, let me guess, Lucky Lady came in last.

And, yes, I know I'm being picky. It's just...

And, you know, see how it goes.

And?

And...

And... ah.

Annie, I tried that three bean chili recipe of yours.

Annie, I'll see you for dinner on Tuesday.

Annie, these things happen.

Another donut.

Another great show.

Another neighbor with your mail.

Any minute now, this phone is going to ring,

Any other symptoms I should know about?

Any sign of Felix?

Anyone with a crush.

Anything is possible.

Anyway, every year after that, Ashley and I would just...

Anyway, I finally take it and throw it in the trash,

Anyway, I'm out there gliding along,

Apparently, I'm on some sort of list.

Applying ointment to a friend.

Are discussing it and trying to work through it.

Are my uneven buttocks

Are the seeds too close together?

Are they for sale?

Are we still winning?

Are we... talking about being a thing?

Are you a lavender guy or more of a wild rose?

Are you calling a paralyzed person a broken pie?

Are you done?

Are you kidding me?

Are you kidding me?

Are you kidding me?

Are you kidding me? This nose bought him his summer home.

Are you kidding? We'll have fun.

Are you okay?

Are you open to suggestions?

Are you single?

Are you sure about this?

Are you sure? He seems a little gay.

Are you sure? I think I saw something moving

Are you wearing lipstick?

Aren't you gonna invite me in?

Arr, arr. Arr, arr, arr, arr, arr.

As a boy, I would practice with my imaginary friend.

As a wise man once said,

As far as we know.

As friends, if we don't have honesty, we have nothing.

As if she couldn't muster the strength to put it up.

As indicators for long term potential.

As long as I don't see you.

As long as the tree is silent, Steve!

As my assistant; I called you as my friend.

As some of you may know, I recently went

As the last guy went back to high school.

As to what I meant by "roommate"...

As we embark

As you could see here...

As you keep making eye contact.

As you know, Father's Day

As you vultures persecute the innocent,

As you wish. Here we go.

Ashley kicked me out.

Ashley made of our last trip to Bear Lake.

Ashley?

Ashley's dating someone.

Ashley's seeing someone.

Ashley's yoga mat.

Ask her out.

At cleaning up Oscar's messes, aren't we?

At first I thought you were crazy for being so picky,

At first, I thought she was just trying to get into my pants,

At least I admit that Gaby's not coming back,

At least we're consistent.

At least you got to drink.

At pictures of his ex wife and crying.

Athletic costume found its way into my room last night.

Audits happen for lots of reasons.

Aw, how can you say that?

Aw, I'm so happy for you guys.

Aw, I'm... I'm sorry, buddy.

Aw, look at you two, walking on the beach so happy.

Aw, Oscar, look at you.

Aw, that little guy's having such a good time.

Aw.

Aw.

Aw.

Aw.

Aw. All the great romances start

Aye.

Aye.

Back in ten. Keep moving, Ansel Adams.

Back straight, chin out, like a proud meerkat.

Bad friend!

Bad idea.

Banter!

Barry the Burlington Beaver.

Baseball is only a small part of who you are.

Based on those pills in your medicine cabinet.

Be cool, just be cool.

Be right back.

Be spending a little time together,

Beautiful.

Because all of the dirt from the home goes into the vacuum.

Because he can't admit how much he misses his wife.

Because he's attacking me on my home turf,

Because he's Haydn.

Because he's never had to correct me.

Because he's too busy being Mr. Popularity.

Because his visits paid for my bathroom remodel,

Because I for one have faith in him!

Because I have a first aid kit, which...

Because I have not slept in five days.

Because I haven't had children yet.

Because I just found you the perfect man.

Because I know the pleats on a kilt go in the back?!

Because I know you can't help yourself.

Because I like the surface. It's pleasant.

Because I sing the occasional aria in the shower?

Because I smoke cigars and don't exercise.

Because I'm not married.

Because if it's all left up to fate, who's to say

Because it will end disastrously.

Because it's keeping you from fulfilling your potential.

Because merino wool is such a thirsty fabric.

Because my sister wanted me to get out more.

Because now that you know for sure,

Because some people are uncomfortable

Because that...

Because that's what I am.

Because that's what I do.

Because this

Because we can face our fears together.

Because you are such a big baby when you lose.

Because you reminded me why I fell in love

Because you showed up.

Because you... ♪ Suck! ♪

Because, Oscar, you...

Because... that's also my thing

Been fun, with all the petty larceny, but...

Before I have to change channels by kicking you in the ass.

Before me, he represented mascots.

Before Sharon gets here.

Before they break up, she'll be furious with me,

Before we attempt the truly impossible.

Before we open the door.

Being surrounded by my closest...

Better go

Better not move.

Between fjorten and, uh, keveld.

Bingo.

Blink if you're being coerced.

Blood pressure's down seven points.

Boiled down to stats and game scores.

Books like this is because I know exactly what they want.

Both your physical and your emotional strength,

Boy, I hope people don't talk

Boy, Oscar's pretty intense, huh?

Boy, that little dude is fired up.

Boy, you better stop playing with me.

Brazilian gymnast with family money.

Bright and early.

Brilliant idea.

Bring your arms up together and press them.

British Airways Flight 117.

Buh Dee buh Dee buh Dee, that's all folks!

Bum.

Buns and abs, Mondays at 9:00.

But also your body, your mind,

But are we thinking too much?

But as for the rest,

But at least let her finish her sentences.

But at least you're not in limbo anymore.

But at least you're trying.

But because nobody picks up the garbage in this stupid city,

But by manipulating color and light and shadow,

But can I at least offer you a drink?

But coincidentally, today is also my b...

But dinosaurs have been gone since...

But dirty fingers are a fon don't.

But Dr. McManus swore an oath, and I'm sure

But fair warning,

But for TV, we need to freshen it up.

But good news:

But Guillermo has truly outdone himself.

But he could have two homes.

But he really pushed my buttons.

But he threw half a meatball sub at me.

But how could you have caught it?

But I always thought it would be fun to do TV.

But I bought us a couple of days.

But I can guarantee you one thing:

But I can't help myself.

But I do need to pop into that party store,

But I don't think it's gonna amount to anything.

But I don't want to go back to hating you either.

But I end up not being able to keep

But I got this tonic pumping through me!

But I have to say, your attitude is so refreshing.

But I hope I'm still on the, you know, mitten list.

But I hope it works for you and Kim.

But I know everything there is to know about your career.

But I know that you can get through it,

But I promise you...

But I see I'm too late.

But I think I got it.

But I think that we all just assumed.

But I was not comfortable

But I wasn't allowed to cry, so I just kept hitting baseballs

But I would have been there on time.

But I would love to hear those poems.

But I'm actually the same demanding perfectionist

But I'm gonna walk to the cab.

But I'm in the Sportscasters Hall of Fame.

But I'm just not interested in you in that way.

But I'm the one who did it.

But if this stuff makes me look like you,

But if you don't want to do it, fine.

But if you'd like another drubbing... yes, that's a word...

But in here, we are in our sanctuary,

But in the end, aren't we both afraid of the same thing?

But instead, I'm cranking out a book

But it dawned on me that you are the second person in a week

But it does have its advantages.

But it doesn't mean I want to hang out with it.

But it gets better, buddy, trust me.

But it got changed because of a war.

But it shouldn't take long.

But it turns out you just wanted to beat me

But it turns out, she also liked my poetry.

But it was a pain in the ass, remember?

But it was yoga that got me through it.

But it's due tomorrow, and you barely even started.

But it's getting late, and I really should find a hotel.

But it's hard to play porn on a cello.

But it's just weird with our wives being such good friends.

But it's just weird with our wives being such good friends.

But it's still the greatest city in the world.

But just so you know, I'm only here

But maybe Oscar's impulsiveness

But maybe over the weekend we could have dinner.

But maybe this isn't the guy for her.

But mostly I was just

But next year, I don't want him here.

But no more.

But not having the nerve.

But not too slow.

But now I need to make "rent money,"

But now I see how all those details make a difference.

But now that we're dating, I'll never be away from him.

But Oscar, you see, we can help each other through this,

But polio's been gone since the '50s.

But she doesn't, right?

But some of the questions seemed a little personal,

But such is the charmed life

But that could have just been a sistah thing.

But that is hurtful.

But that's the kind of friend I am.

But the pain comes in waves.

But the pillow didn't work.

But the question is, when she leaves,

But then he hit on me, so I got a little confidence going.

But then I got a tip on a horse.

But then off to London in the morning.

But they are big enough to kick your ass.

But this... this was my Everest.

But today I put on a suit.

But turns out, I like Ethiopian food.

But we had a great night,

But we should be going.

But we'll exit a band of brothers...

But we're supposed to play games and tell stories

But what a relief!

But when I see how protective you are of Felix,

But why water down your brand?

But working out of a single guy's spare bedroom..

But you are the winner.

But you got to let it go.

But you know how everybody's gonna be.

But you know what? It's a chair.

But you went down first, which makes me the winner.

But you were right.

But you were so good together.

But you were the one who told me to help them get along,

But you weren't afraid to sketch the mole on my back.

But your E string is just a skosh flat.

But, hey, I'm cool with that.

But, lucky for you, I held on.

But, Oscar,

But, yes, Felix can be a bit of a hypochondriac.

But...

By bringing down a big celebrity.

By me.

By rooting my power deep into the earth,

By the way, never write that on an anniversary card.

By the way...

Bye, Felix. This has been a weird evening.

C! O!

Called "Happy Rainbow Best Cleantime Dirt Remover".

Can I ask you a question?

Can I buy you a drink?

Can I contact him at this address?

Can I get them back?

Can I get you a drink?

Can I offer you a drink?

Can I try this again with my pants on?

Can we have that drink some other time?

Can we sit down?

Can we stop with the pillow fights and do the interview?

Can we take a break?

Can you believe this guy?

Can you imagine?

Can you plug up my ear again?

Can't I just get from point "A" to point "B"

Can't you see, he's got some

Can't you see? This is a good thing.

Care to join me?

Careful.

Carry me to the bedroom.

Casey,

Casey, I'm looking for Oscar.

Casey, this is my old friend Felix Unger.

Casey, welcome. Where's your sister?

Casey?

Casey's still getting ready,

Cat!

Catching baseballs and not catching chlamydia.

Chaka Khan, Chaka Khan.

Chapter one.

Checking to make sure that your weight is balanced,

Cheering on the Knickerbockers.

Chortle, chortle, chortle.

Chris Webber is coming by this afternoon for his interview,

Cindy, um,

Cinnamon let us use her back as a table.

Class should be starting.

Clearly, you were sent from your planet to tidy up ours.

Cleavage Guy, give me your umbrella.

Co assistant weekday manager

Cobbler ain't nothing but a broken pie.

Cobweb

Coffee.

Come here, baby.

Come here, you.

Come on, be a sport!

Come on, guys, this is Felix, and he needs us

Come on, let's make a run for it.

Come on, little birdy. Come on.

Come on, people, back me up.

Come on, Roy, let's watch the game at my place.

Come on, somebody's got to have some love for this town.

Come on, take it easy on Oscar.

Come on, that is quitter talk.

Come on, you can tell me.

Come on.

Come on. Let's, uh...

Compassion and understanding!

Congratulations on your win.