Mike & Molly - Season 1 Edit

A lot of people made a lot of comments.

A Mitsubishi Galant.

A single guy.

A tube top and a tiara. What difference does it make?

Afraid not.

After which, she yanked a hair out of my nose...

Ah, screw it. Whatever's on the grill, I'm eating.

Ah, Shakespeare.

Ah, that's what Mama likes.

Ah, there we go. Come on in. She'll be right down.

All my clothes pop eventually.

All right, all right, don't push the cute.

All right, ladies, I'm coming in. Cover your delicates.

All right.

All right. Okay. I, uh, live alone.

And Andre's Big & Tall West.

And everything I sell has a 30 day, money back guarantee.

And had he not been honest, I never would've found out he was long.

And I pray to God that's all you were shaving.

And if I stay on track, I'm thinking next summer, shirtless at the beach.

And it was a complete train wreck.

And now by not canceling, you are never gonna call me back again anyway.

And single. I'd try single for the next one.

And therefore is wing'd Cupid painted blind:

And three, and most important:

Any chance we could get an ETA on Molly?

Any minute.

Apparently, the only language he doesn't speak is waiter. Heh, heh.

Are you crazy? You can't ask a woman out on the same day.

Are you kidding?

Are you kidding? That's all I ever do around here is support my sister.

As far as I know. He's been hiding for the last couple hours.

As long as you're not driving a car or nursing a baby.

Attaboy, Mike.

Attaboy, Mike.

Baby, you coming back to bed?

Back off! Molly, code blue!

Because Carlton got some pills if you need them.

Because I been to a tent revival and that mess will put you off Jesus.

Because I may have fudged its attractiveness out of friendship.

Because there ain't nothing sexier in the world...

Better to have lube and not need it than need lube and not have it.

Big man gets bitchy when he's hungry.

Bones don't jiggle, Mom.

Booyah! That's what I'm talking about!

Bowling? Oh, you dog.

Brightens up the room.

Broad is fine. I mean, you get it.

But don't worry, none of them have the fashion sense you do.

But I'm just saying guys hate it when you sneeze on their wieners.

But if you come home and find the coroner snapping a toe tag on your sister...

But seriously, it looks okay, right? It's not too garish?

But the bowling alley's your home court advantage.

Can I get you a little something to eat?

Can't help it if I'm a good bowler.

Carl Sandburg.

Carlton told me you had a date.

Carlton, who was at the door?

Chicago P.D.

Come on, pretty girl, wake up.

Come on, Victoria, please.

Coming right up.

Completely disregarding the fact...

Continue, Michael.

Damn it.

Darn, what's the code?

Deal.

Dear God, that burns!

Do I smell your double chocolate blackout cake?

Do you, uh, always check out my behind when I'm bent over?

Don't be silly. We all have off nights.

Don't oversell it, brother. They're just clothes.

Don't worry. I've been lying to cops since you were in shoplifted diapers.

Don't worry. You'll be fine.

Dude, well, I tell you everything I do.

Eighteen months. And thank you for asking.

Erectile dysfunction?

Erectile dysfunction?

Exactly.

Exactly. Bad boys get all the yum yum.

Excuse me, I'm a Chicago police officer.

Face it, you're a big boned girl.

Fine.

Fireworks in 20 miles.

First impressions, my friend.

First off, there's a lot of misconceptions about bowling.

Forget finesse for now. Focus on fun.

Forget kissing. You're gonna be looking at a 7 10 split.

Fresh out of the oven.

Gained 14 pounds.

Gang way!

Go back to her, tell her what's in your heart and how you really feel.

God, I love your grandma.

God, Mom.

Good choice. And for you, big and bountiful?

Good to see you. What brings you here?

Good, and, uh, no horizontal stripes.

Good.

Great. Just what I needed.

Grew up in Senegal, my mother is from France.

Ha ha ha. I'm kidding.

Ha, ha. That is quite an outfit.

Hang on.

Hang on. Mom, she's doing this for attention.

Have a few drinks, find some bad girls who wanna cop some pleas.

He came here to pursue the American dream and, apparently, to bust my balls.

He gets grumpy when he doesn't get his tiny pancake.

He had the five door station wagon. Cobalt blue.

He said he loved me.

He said, biting into his delicious bacon cheeseburger.

He would Turtle Wax that every Saturday. My sister and I would drink Cokes.

He's a great Illinois poet.

He's a handsome man.

He's an alcoholic, there's a difference.

He's got your hairline and my body.

Hello?

Help your sister get it together. I'll keep Shrek on ice.

Hey, brown is an autumn color. I have been told that I am an autumn.

Hey, don't tell him I'm sick.

Hey, I got tickets to the Cubs tomorrow night. You wanna go?

Hey, it was my fault, I was having a tomato soup and it got you to thinking.

Hey, Mike.

Hey, Samuel, could you pour my diet shake into a malted glass?

Hey, Samuel. This is Molly. Molly, Samuel.

Hey, scram, I'm trying to vote

Hey, sweetie. Dinner's almost ready.

Hey, there's no shame in it.

Hey, we're just here to have a good time. Nobody's gonna be embarrassed.

Horizontal stripes?

Hostage training at the academy.

Hot Pockets. Damn, he's got an entrepreneurial mind.

How about we hit clubs after we get off, huh?

How did you manage that?

Huh.

Hush up, black Gilligan.

I also speak Arabic, Wolof and a little German.

I am a fan of grateful.

I asked him, "What up, dog?" and he said, "Not much, just chilling."

I brought you a customer. Meet Andre, owner and proprietor of Andre's Big & Tall.

I built the ensemble around it.

I can't live without him!

I certainly did tonight.

I crushed up three Xanax and put it in her teeth whitening tray.

I don't feel right about taking your money.

I don't feel right about taking your money.

I don't have a thing for ladies' shoes and I would never share cake.

I don't know, we just didn't make a connection.

I don't know. Are you feeling okay?

I don't know. Why don't you feel me and find out?

I don't shop for style, I shop for comfort.

I don't think so.

I don't think we're gonna find anything for me. Let's go.

I don't wanna be the rock anymore. Let somebody else be the rock.

I don't wanna cancel. It took him forever to ask me out.

I don't want my date to open a door and scream, "Hey, Kool Aid."

I eat whatever I want. It's all about portion control.

I figured it'd be a fun, no pressure kind of deal.

I got to hold the hose. Ever hold the hose?

I got you. We'll stay away from primary colors.

I gotta pee like a racehorse.

I guess we know why you're in the bathroom on a Friday night...

I had a nice time. I guess you'll call me, right? Okay.

I had a pretty fair week. I lost 3 pounds.

I knew it. I know my Galants.

I know these streets like the back of my hand.

I know. I love his poems.

I love him. I must go to him.

I loved him and he broke my heart.

I may not know how to quote Shakespeare...

I mean, she covered my ass in Pledge and wiped the floor with it.

I mean, what's it been, like, a year?

I pride myself on being a good listener. That's important when you're trying to...

I remember when I was little... Littlish.

I see the crime, the corruption and the danger.

I see the tender trap you're baiting.

I see. You didn't make a connection.

I speak a little German too, uh...

I told you. Andre knows how to gift wrap a big man.

I tried that portion control diet once.

I try to be honest with myself.

I understand, sweetie.

I usually find more food than that under his chair.

I wanna be the hot one that gets taken care of...

I wanted you to be a prima ballerina.

I was just, uh, asking if you enjoyed your snapper.

I was too hard on her growing up.

I will have a half a cup of G**** Nuts, two inches of bacon...

I'll be darned.

I'll bring the suntan lotion.

I'll flush your eyes out when I get back.

I'll have the French toast with hash browns and a large orange juice.

I'll tell you right off the bat, we need to add color to your wardrobe.

I'm a fountain of wisdom. Drink from me.

I'm a fourth grade teacher...

I'm all right, Nana. How are you?

I'm getting too old for this crap.

I'm gonna marry that girl.

I'm gonna set that bastard on fire and you can't stop me.

I'm guessing you've done this before.

I'm having wonderful success with it.

I'm just kidding you again. Oh, look at how red your big head gets.

I'm not a Casanova. I haven't even kissed this girl yet.

I'm open to a little color, but nothing too crazy.

I'm running out of small talk and this guy's a piece of wood.

I'm so sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm trying to get him a look that pops.

I'm turning things around.

I've been preaching moderation for years.

I've had some cold medicine and I'm feeling a little loopy.

If I call now and tell him I'm sick...

If I could eat just 12, this shirt wouldn't look like it was made in an awning store.

If it was me, I'd cut my losses and move on.

If you mean that time between noon and 5...

If you're an intruder, I'm upstairs in the shower.

If you're interested in tips, I'm happy to help.

Ignore him.

Interject words "uh huh" and "really" as often as possible.

Is he making a joke?

Is she on a new diet?

It also helps to masturbate about two or three times before you leave the house.

It keeps you awake so you can enjoy the codeine.

It was a total disaster.

It wasn't, Carl.

It's a precaution. I don't want some home invader to sneak in...

It's about form, follow through and finesse.

It's actually "City of the Big Shoulders."

It's chili night.

It's just Mike, Grandma. Go back to bed.

It's me, Ma.

It's not an excuse to turn some guy's face into burnt lasagna.

It's not just about brute force.

It's not just that. She was showing off and speaking in different languages.

It's okay. I got it.

It's okay. You're a wonderful bowler.

It's our first date.

It's really not.

It's the house number.

It's the same reason she's got a webcam in her bathroom.

Just fancy ass fungus.

Just in case, bring a bucket and a paint roller.

Keep a Snickers bar in your purse.

Keep in mind that I'm a cop.

Key to a follow through is releasing the ball in a smooth, gliding motion.

Let me go check. Unh.

Let me tell you something, Michael...

Let's go. Let's go, sweater boy, let's jump.

Let's see how the date goes before I start handing out lap dances.

Listen, I know guys act really stupid sometimes.

Listen, I understand you're upset, but revenge is not the answer.

Little bit.

Live and learn.

Look, don't worry. I'm not letting you walk out of here without looking your best.

Look, just give this a chance.

Look, Mike, if I've done anything to upset you...

Look, Molly, I'm really sorry about how I behaved.

Look, uh, I know this is where I'm supposed to kiss you good night, but, uh...

Look, you are not my first big boy rodeo.

Love looks not with the eyes, but with the mind;

Lovely chatting with you.

Ma, why do you keep setting the alarm when you're still in the house?

Make her think you can have sex whenever, with whoever you want...

Man, this is one big ass dummy.

Maybe a little eggnog to go with your sweater?

Maybe because I had a date with a guy I really liked.

Maybe I'll get lucky again.

Me, I just did a little bowling in college, mostly as an excuse to drink.

Mm hmm, and keeping the tree sap off your paint job, I got it.

Mm hmm.

Mm hmm. So far, so good.

Mm.

Mmm, nice. But don't let them talk you into anything with truffles. That's a scam.

Moll?

Molly, you need to calm down and just be supportive of your sister.

Molly, you really should call and cancel with this guy.

Molly, your sister's hurting. This is no time to play Monday morning quarterback.

Molly?

Molly?

Molly?

Molly.

Molly. Mike.

My friends call me Joyce. Sit down.

My life is on the line every day and that can wind a man up pretty tight.

My man. Tell me, tell me, tell me.

Nice sweater.

Night.

No more. And the great thing is I'm not dieting.

No, he's gotta pay!

No, I don't want dumb.

No, it's nice.

No, like French and German and Shakespeare.

No, look, I'm not normally like this. It's just I have this terrible cold...

No, no, I made the bet and you won fair and square.

No, thanks, I got an OA meeting.

No, whole milk, but just a whisper. I like my nuts crunchy.

No. I didn't even kiss her good night.

No. I don't want a diet pill, Mom. I don't wanna be a swan.

No. I wanna talk about it now.

No. No.

Not to be confused with the three R's: reading, 'riting, and 'rithmetic, your forte.

Nothing. I was thinking about asking Molly out again.

Now, Michael, do you have feelings for this girl?

Now, Michael, I'd like to see you in heaven too...

Now, Michael, what happened with this girl?

Now, she may be on the phone with one of her other suitors.

Now, that man is honest as the day is long.

Now, the key to form is keeping your wrist straight, okay?

Of course I like you. You're a great guy.

Of course she was married to Jesus, but...

Oh, absolutely.

Oh, baby, why are you punishing yourself?

Oh, boy, this could go a lot of different ways.

Oh, damn, it's awake.

Oh, feel free to help yourself to some chocolate milk and Hot Pockets.

Oh, God, the codeine.

Oh, God, this car brings back such good memories.

Oh, God.

Oh, good, advice from a man who lives with his grandma.

Oh, good.

Oh, great, I'll grab a bucket of peanuts.

Oh, hey, Michael. How are you, baby?

Oh, I love English Lit. That's where I fell in love with Shakespeare.

Oh, I would love to, but, uh, I'm going out with Molly.

Oh, I'm pathetic. Which one of us lives with his grandma?

Oh, I'm right with my savior and tight with my bookie.

Oh, I'm sorry. Haven't you been following my Facebook page?

Oh, I'm sorry. I guess you're never gonna see her again.

Oh, I'm sorry. That was inappropriate. Ha, ha, I'm gonna be honest with you.

Oh, just yanking your chain.

Oh, Michael...

Oh, Molly, it's not as glamorous as it looks.

Oh, Mom, please. Give her a cookie or something.

Oh, my God! Put it down!

Oh, my mistake. Oh, he's drunk and married.

Oh, nice to meet you, Samuel.

Oh, no, thanks, I consumed a small jungle boy on the way over.

Oh, no. Come here.

Oh, really?

Oh, slow down there, slugger, that's got codeine in it.

Oh, sure. Like that's possible.

Oh, that doesn't sound so good.

Oh, that's good. She still likes me.

Oh, you think that's year round or just on the Fourth of July, huh?

Oh! Look, I knocked them all down.

Oh.

Oh. At least until she snapped and ran off with that Puerto Rican boy...

Oh. God, I didn't.

Okay, here we are.

Okay, let's do this.

Okay, now listen... Oh!

Okay, okay, okay. All right, okay.

Okay, then.

Okay? What it really is, is an opportunity to practice forgiveness.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay. I hope I don't embarrass myself.

Okay. I will.

Okay. Should you be mixing alcohol with that?

Okay. Sorry.

Okay. What about lube?

One, please. Two spoons.

One, you're interested in what she has to say.

Only place you got left to shine is House of Pies.

Open yourself up to a new style, a new look, maybe even a whole new you.

Or even better, please some cops.

Overeaters Anonymous on a Friday night? That is pathetic.

Pays 200 dollars a month in rent...

Please. When's the last time you laid your eyes on grateful?

Previously on Mike & Molly:

Really? What are you doing tonight, making fondue with your grandma?

Really? You finally called her? Why am I just hearing about this?

Really? You paid for that?

Regardless, I feel better, got more energy. I don't know if you're aware of this...

Right.

Sandbagger.

Saying doo wa diddy diddy dum diddy

See, if my mind thinks it's drinking a delicious, chocolaty treat...

See? He's not wrong.

Seven o'clock. I have to go.

She beat me at bowling.

She doesn't have a lot of excitement in her life.

She gets mixed up with emotionally unavailable men...

She has been doing this her whole life.

She lives at home with her mom and her sister.

She look good, look good Look fine, look fine

She looks good, she looks fine

She then proceeded to drink an entire bottle of very expensive wine.

She's had one of those. And he was married.

So can I get you something to drink?

So if I hear you correctly, what's upsetting you is you had a date...

So should I call her or not?

So sometimes you get the teddy bear and sometimes you get the rattlesnake.

So tell me, who is Mike Biggs? You know, what makes him tick?

So the penis is fine?

So why don't you give me the lighter and we'll talk about it?

So you gonna keep me in suspense? How'd that sweater work out for you?

So, uh, what do you say to a complete do over?

So, what are you doing here in the United States?

So, what you got going this weekend? Some fun plans?

So, what's next? You wanna grab a drink somewhere?

Somebody sweet and kind and loving...

Sometimes it does that too.

Sometimes we all suffer disappointment and humiliation.

Sorry, but this nose hair was driving me crazy.

Sorry, I get excited.

Sorry, I'm just not comfortable trying clothes on in public.

Sorry, what were you saying?

Studying English Literature at the University of Illinois.

Sure you wanna do that? You've shared a lot tonight.

Sure, you got nothing going on.

Sure? You don't have to worry about blurring the eye of the tiger anymore.

Sure. Do you like your penis?

Sure. That sounds fun. Great.

Swans come in all sizes, potato bug.

Take it from me, you show her that side of you...

Thank you, you're very sweet. Can I tell you a little secret?

Thank you.

Thank you. Very helpful.

Thanks for being such a gentleman tonight.

Thanks, Joyce.

Thanks, Mrs. Flynn.

Thanks.

That little school teacher ain't gonna know what hit her...

That was really sweet.

That would be great. I'd really, really appreciate it.

That's a guy you can count on.

That's a very healthy attitude.

That's funny.

That's funny. Samuel's from Africa.

That's good.

That's good. That's real good.

That's good. That's real good.

That's good. You working tonight or just doing the floor show?

That's the truth. We got a 400 pound uncle he made look like Wesley Snipes.

That's who it is.

That's why I prefer the Internet.

Thattagirl.

The Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf or the Gymboree?

The pleasure is mine. I heard the large man was seeing someone...

The stomach understood. The ears weren't ready to listen.

The thing is it's not really my style to pretend to be somebody I'm not.

The three F's, I like to call them.

Then I took off my shirt and I found it about here.

Then she dated Brian. He was sweet, but queer as a fish.

There she was just walking down the street

There's only so much a butter rum Life Saver can cover up.

There's three things you want a woman to believe about you.

Therefore, you want nothing and you need nothing.

This could be our baby.

Thought so. When you were bent over tying your shoes...

Three freaking gummi bears at a time.

Tie your shoes and give her the rear view?

Tonight?

Too hard? You breast fed her till she was 5.

Two, make her think you're tortured. Equal parts good and evil.

Uh huh.

Uh huh.

Uh huh. It has nothing to do with the fact that, when it comes to bowling...

Uh, bowling. Yeah, that sounds fun.

Uh, Grandma, how many times have I asked you to stay out of my room?

Uh, I did, but it ended pretty early.

Uh, I mean, look at you, you're dressed like a UPS truck.

Uh, not much. Hanging with Mom and Sis.

Uh, you're just assuming by looking at us two roly polies that we're "dessert people"?

Um, I actually walked in on him one night...

Um, I didn't mean...

Unless, of course, you get it sweaty or spill gravy on it.

Until then, I go where I please.

Victoria, give me the hair spray and the lighter.

Victoria, what're you doing with that hairspray and lighter?

Victoria, you get back in this house! No!

Wait. You like me?

Want us all to just be dumb and grateful.

Was my form okay?

We both struggle with our weight, him more than me.

We could just drive around a little. It's a really beautiful night.

We just need another minute. Make him a snack.

We know he's a cop, but when the badge comes off...

Well, do what you want.

Well, do what you want.

Well, how do I look?

Well, I finally got Sweeney Todd to bed.

Well, I try to look every other way, but that thing is in IMAX.

Well, I'm not gonna lie to you, I'm a bit of a legend in these parts.

Well, I'm prepared to be impressed.

Well, in that case, booyah! That's how I roll! Ha, ha.

Well, it's all my fault she's so fragile.

Well, maybe legend's too strong. Folk hero.

Well, then you need to stop behaving like a petulant child.

Well, uh, you know, maybe we should talk about this stuff...

Well, you can still turn things around.

Well, you'll be fine. You're a rock.

Well, you're a lady. You deserve it.

Well, you're a schoolteacher. You see the beauty.

Well...

What about finesse?

What about me? Who supports me when I'm hurting?

What are you doing here, sugar?

What are you doing here?

What I wouldn't give for a girlfriend or Cinemax in my bedroom.

What if we just forget this entire evening ever happened?

What is going on up here?

What part of Africa are you from?

What the hell's going on?

What you doing?

What you got going on tonight?

What you see is what you get. I try to be honest with people.

What? It's just a second date.

What? Why would...? Why do I want a diet pill for?

What's more dangerous:

When I picked her up, she was loaded on codeine...

When you start doing your own laundry I will stay out of your room.

Where are we at?

Where's my 12 french fries?

Whether it goes that far or not, I wanna show her a good time.

While that is very hurtful...

Whoa, I thought you were gonna give this a chance.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, you gonna let a girl get a word in edgewise?

Whoo!

Why are you being so mean to me?

Why don't I just bring you a whole order of french fries...

Why would you? He's dead, you never met him.

Would you like skim milk on your G**** Nuts?

Would've done the same for you...

Wow.

Yap, yap, yap. Oh, oh.

Yeah, and that's why most of your clothes fit you like a car cover.

Yeah, I guess I do.

Yeah, I'm just allergic to Kleenex.

Yeah, I'm on the "not swallowing any more of your crap" diet.

Yeah, that was a magical moment, wasn't it?

Yeah, you know, a lot of people like to mix alcohol with the sport...

Yeah, you know, our world views don't jibe.

Yeah? How did it go?

Yeah.

Yeah. You're still bending your wrist quite a bit, but that goes away with practice.

Yep.

Yes, you will. And you'll find somebody else.

Yes!

You and me both.

You are certain my chain is not being yanked?

You bowl like a girl!

You can't put beer goggles on the eye of the tiger.

You carried me out of the toilet like I was a fairy tale princess.

You don't have to worry about that.

You don't talk much, do you?

You gotta look at reality as an illusion.

You just go right here on Wells. It's a quicker way to get to my house.

You know what they say.

You know, I was thinking maybe I'd ask Molly to go bowling.

You know, I won that ball in the police league tournament.

You know, just to shake things up a little bit.

You know, we are actively involved in a 12 step anonymous program...

You may not believe this now, but you'll get over this man.

You mean in tongues? Like the Pentecostals?

You okay in there?

You okay?

You smooth ass Casanova, you.

You wait here, while I grab things off the rack.

You want a diet pill?

You were right.

You'll thank me later.

You're a great bowler. And I'll get back to you on that.

You're an autumn and two months of winter.

You're lying. I look like Kathy Bates in misery.

You're never gonna meet a cute guy at the chub club.

You're not doing anything.

You're the one who wanted to be a teacher.

You're up like 38 pins. Give or take.

Your Aunt Margaret went without a man for seven years.

Your sister needs us now.

Your world views don't jibe?

Yuck, really?

... of any judgment taste. ...of any judgment taste.

Aah. Are you feeling okay?

All right, what the heck. There you go.

Can I take another turn? Sure.

Do you know my dad drove a '79 Galant? No, I didn't.

Do you speak French? Oh. Fluently.

Give me. Just gonna go to my OA meeting.

Good night. Good night.

Have you lost weight? I have, and thank you for noticing.

He's married. He won't be after his wife gets my hair.

Here, baby, drink this cough syrup. Oh, good. Thank you.

Hey, Carl. Cousin Andre.

Hey, Mike? Yeah.

Hi, my name's Mike. I'm an overeater. Hi, Mike.

How was work? Great. I'm living the dream.

I bet she was all over you. She got a little on me, yeah.

I don't think he... I got this, bright eyes.

I hope you saved room for dessert. What the hell is that supposed to mean?

I like to spend time with my friends. Hold on just a sec.

I'm gonna cut it off! No man is worth it.

I'm gonna go to dinner with that cop. Good for you.

I'm guessing '78, '79? Oh, '79.

In fact, they actually insisted on it, but... Okay.

It does not. Not to mention a sight to behold...

Mmm. Um...

Morning, gentlemen. Hey, Samuel.

My dad would let me steer the car. Now, I'm not asking you to do that.

No. No! Put the scissors down!

Nor hath Love's mind... Nor hath Love's mind...

Noted. What are you gonna wear?

Okay. Okay, yes, it's true.

Ooh, okay, I need a few more minutes. Take all the time you need. I'll go stall him.

Probably don't get a lot of returns. Not a one.

Put it down. Step aside, ladies, I got this.

Really? Well, let's just say...

So where you taking her? At that new French place at Navy Pier.

That'd be great. All right.

There's no telling which side's gonna win. Create an illusion of danger.

Very cute. Absolutely adorable.

Was it a gift? No.

We have to pick a different restaurant. Sure.

Well, how do you do that? It's a Zen thing.

Well, why are you hurting? Oh, I don't know.

What are you doing here? Let me do my job.

What happened? It was a complete disaster.

What you looking for today? Mike's got a hot date.

What? Nothing.

What's wrong with this? It's about presentation.

Who ordered the chocolate malt? I did, I did.

Why? Even if she's got nothing going on...

Wings and no eyes figure unheedy haste. Wings and no eyes figure unheedy haste.

You can't leave. Watch me.

You can't say it too much. Really?

You getting a kickback here? Little bit.

You need to get out more. Oh.

You understand my suspicions, right? Just go get my food!

You want a condom? No.

You're kidding me? I don't mean just beat me.

...and everybody wants to have sex with.

...and he gonna start telling me where I can and cannot go.

...and I didn't wanna cancel on you because I liked you...

...and I was afraid if I did cancel, you wouldn't call me back.

...and I'd love to have a police officer come and speak to my class.

...and one silver dollar pancake with a teaspoon of syrup.

...and she will open up like a flower.

...and singing at the top of her lungs.

...and whatever happens with her is no big deal.

...and wonders why they broke her heart. He's not emotionally unavailable.

...and you just eat 12 of them?

...but for a long time I struggled with a midday lag.

...but I don't like my senses dulled.

...but I know I can navigate the City of the Broad Shoulders.

...but I, of course, assumed you were imaginary.

...but lying to an old lady ain't gonna get you there.

...except you were eating corn on the cob before you had teeth.

...he's gonna think I'm making some lame excuse.

...I really like you too.

...I'm gonna pass that off as a low blood sugar thing.

...in that pink and black shirt with the matching ball?

...it forgets that it's trying to choke down a glass of powdery, diarrhea inducing swill.

...just for the record...

...promise me you won't blame yourself.

...shaving your head with my Lady Schick.

...she's gonna tell you she's got something going on so you don't think...

...she's got nothing when you call and ask what's going on.

...started a fight with the waiter, and then passed out on the crapper.

...than a secure man being honest with his woman.

...that I was 140 pounds in second grade.

...that your first period at sleepaway camp wasn't the worst of it.

...to deal with our problems.

...wearing Molly's shoes and feeding sponge cake to the Sparkletts man.

...when she sees you treat those pins like your 10 little bitches.

...when there's a chance that you might actually remember some of it.

...where I drive and you sleep, yeah, I've noticed.

...while I'm bent over the dishwasher and take me against my will.

...who sold snow cones outside the church.

...who's the man, you know, underneath?

...why is it you boys get so intimidated by strong women?

...with a smart, capable young woman and it threatened your masculinity.

...you gotta embrace the beauty of a strong, independent woman.

...you're a chunky, white Michael Jordan?

...your wallet didn't look like it was trying to bust out of your ass.