Childrens Hospital (2008) - Season 1 Edit

A hospital is a place for smart people who take care of people

A hospital isn't a place for lazy people.

Actually, you know what? Let's not spoon feed it to them

Afraid of her father. Claimed she fell down the stairs

Ahh.

All I know is if you have to ask...

All I know is if you have to ask...

Am I a white knight? Or a black checker?

Am I a white knight? Or a black checker?

Am I supposed to trust some medical textbook

And although jelly is sweet, it made me do a silly thing.

And brains are messy things filled with jelly.

And I don't want to tell you why because you always laugh

And I think it's inappropriate.

And that's the feeling I wanted to bring to it.

And there you go. Looks pretty easy, huh?

And what's very exciting is this episode is written and directed

And you could get it all over yourself.

And you understand why they all work so well together.

Are you sure?

Attention, staff.

Attention, staff.

Babe... Hey, I don't want you to be sad.

Because I am one.

Because I am one.

Best damn leukemia doctor in all of Saskatchewan.

Bingo. Doing anything special?

Blake.

Break up?

Bring our techniques back to Puerto Rico, not our white women.

But we all have brains,

But we're gonna have trouble selling our current house in this market.

Calling it.

Come back to the police force. I need my partner back.

Come on. I'm a doctor. It's what I do.

David Wain, one of the producers of Childrens Hospital,

Directed by Cutter Spindel.

Doctor, but hopefully, there are some techniques that you can

Don't forget to set the snow globe.

Dr. Blake Downs was based.

Dr. Richie, please pick up your scissors from the autopsy room.

Excuse me.

Feel it! Shake it!

Fifty kids, badly injured, broken bones, some of them retarded,

First off, there's the chief.

For tuning in to this special episode of Childrens Hospital.

Get this, Papi... a woman is the chief!

Glenn, stop. We're breaking up.

Glenn: You have a dick on your face.

He believes in the healing power of laughter.

He really, literally was a character in... in the show.

Hey, roomie.

Hey! What are you, a savage?!

Hi. I am, of course, Cutter Spindel.

How are you gonna do it?

How long have I known... Ugh. I can't lie. I...

How's the house hunting going?

Huh. Well, thanks, everyone,

I couldn't think of a reason to break up with you.

I do hope that I can teach you some of our

I don't have a brain tumor. I just...

I don't know. I need to think of a good lie.

I got to make sure she's got the right type of arm guts in there.

I guess it takes more than the healing power of laughter to perform a successful operation.

I have a brain tumor.

I just can't imagine spending every Christmas with a Jew, you know?

I just wish someone would admit that we're going through a recession.

I know it's very confusing, but, uh, I actually have here

I like that a lot... "Different," you know?

I like that a real lot, because it really does describe the episode.

I mean, when did you get the idea that this whole world of

I must oil it again.

I play Dr. Blake Downs on Childrens Hospital.

I poured you a "grig. "

I think he's asleep.

I told him I had a brain tumor.

I want you to dance it out.

I want you to take a look at the girl in 319,

I wonder when that visiting doctor is gonna get here.

I work for the National Terrorism Strike Force,

I work for the National Terrorism Strike Force,

I... I think we've always known. You know?

I'd kiss you goodbye,

I'm Chief, the chief here.

Inside this Puerto Rican midget's fart?

It smells like Thanksgiving in here... but bad.

It sort of had that feeling, so why not write it?

It's chaos, sure, but organized chaos.

It's like a graceful ballet...

It's very, uh... It's very out there. Very heavy.

Lighting candles all the time, telling knock knock jokes.

Look, you're the attending physician,

Looks like it's time to turn off the MRI machine.

Looks like we lost another one, huh?

Mm hmm. Yeah. And loans aren't so easy to get anymore either.

Mommy, I'm scared!

My mustache is now a mess. Where is the mirror?

My name is David Wain. I am one of the producers of Childrens Hospital.

National Terrorism Strike Force: San Diego: Sport Utility Vehicle.

National Terrorism Strike Force: San Diego: Sport Utility Vehicle.

Never really understood any of that stuff away.

New advances in Puerto Rican medicine.

No, it's not 'cause you're *******.

No, listen to me. I don't have a brain tumor.

No, no, no. Did you... I said I don't have a brain tumor.

No... Then, um...

Not after the tragic events of September 11, 2001.

Not with you sick like this. I'm gonna take care of you.

Of a visiting colleague from Puerto Rico,

Oh, I'd always wanted to learn how to breed fighting chickens.

Oh, man, she is hot.

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Oh!

Oh. Uh oh.

Oh. Uh oh. What's happening?

Okay, I have another treat for you.

Okay?

Okay. I suspect child abuse.

Only problem is jelly is messy,

Only they don't have a jeep. "

Or like that funeral we had for one of our dogs.

Or some black and white space photo?

Owen: I wish I could, but I can't.

Pick up and bring back home to Havana.

Please enjoy this very special episode of "Childrens Hôpital. "

Prep the O. R.

Pretty cool.

Previously on Childrens Hospital...

Previously on Childrens Hospital...

Probably just get a piñata, throw some ribs on the grill.

Right?

Robin: Tell me about it.

San Diego division.

San Diego division.

She's covered in bruises.

Shh. Go and rest your tumor.

Shut the door!

So I need your permission. I want to cut this kid open.

So, ladies and gentlemen, the real Cutter Spindel, David Wain.

So, uh, as I was writing it, it occurred to me that the

Sometimes no matter how smart you are,

Sometimes. Sometimes.

Sorry. Was that your fist? What was that?

Terrorize someone.

Terrorize someone.

That one I did not see and I do not care for.

That the Puerto Rican midget is almost a character itself.

That would be totally confusing.

That's just some hot sauce left over from my burrito.

The actor that plays Dr. Blake Downs in the series.

The numbers in the elevator are too high up for me to see.

The person that Cutter Spindel was based on, as well.

The real Dr. Blake Downs, Dr. Blake Downs.

The reason why is this episode is told entirely from the point of view

The usual. Make my tobacco bread.

The white zone is for immediate loading and unloading of passengers only.

The whole deal, and they're coming here.

There is no stopping in the red zone.

They are much like our own family, Papi,

They're not even in color. Look, I got to open her up.

This part.

This whole world of Childrens Hospital takes place

Time of death, 5:59.

Time of death... 1:59 P. M.

Time of dry humping in the supply closet, 6:01.

To catch a terrorist,

To catch a terrorist,

Today we have an episode that can be described only as, uh...

Tonight, a very special episode of Childrens Hospital.

Totally. Driving minivans, reading books.

Tune in next week for a regular one.

Ugh! I wish he were *******.

Uh, I have a real treat for fans of the show.

Uh, I have with us here,

Uh, presents me, without the makeup on, as Cutter Spindel,

Uh, so without further ado, ladies and gentlemen,

Uh, the actual person upon whom the character

Uh, we do things a little bit differently here at Childrens,

Um, I did direct, uh, Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants.

Um, you'll notice in that last episode,

Very powerful.

Want me to tickle your arm?

Was based on the character you were playing in that episode.

We got a school bus crash at the 495...

We got a school bus crash at the 495...

We're going to have to slice off your son's c**k.

Well, how'd it go with Owen?

Well, I mean, he really, literally was a character in the...

Well, I'm not laughing.

Well, the prices are right, finally,

Well, try it with a few cocktails in ya.

Well, you broke up with Glenn. We're roommates.

What happened to you, Dr. Downs?

What if it's AIDS? I don't know this kid.

What if it's something more serious?

What's up?

Who aren't smart enough to keep themselves healthy.

Who does?

Whoa. Unh unh. Yeah. Come on! Come on!

Why? He's the hottest doctor at Childrens.

Wow! That's a good one.

Yeah, I don't know what you're talking about.

Yeah, just say it. I promise I won't laugh.

Yeah, sometimes it takes actual medical procedure.

Yeah? What's with the schtick a la?

Yes, because that's what television's all about... using your brain.

You better be right this time.

You have to do what your brain jelly tells you to do.

You need to think like one, act like one.

You need to think like one, act like one.

You want to scrub in, watch me tear into a youngster's flesh?

"Different"... I like that. Well, I mean...

a Puerto Rican midget's fart. Well, it's just a dream.

Are you *******? Have you ever seen me drive a minivan?

Bitches. Blake.

Blake? Blake! Yeah?

but I don't want to get brain cancer. Oh.

by our very own Cutter Spindel. Guilty.

Hey, Robin. Hey.

How long have you known? How long have I known...

I broke up with Glenn. What?

I broke up with him. Oh, babe. How'd you do it?

I can't read your writing. A simple "please" would be nice.

I don't know the word... different. Different, yes.

I don't know. Yes.

I don't see him anywhere. Excuse me. Is this the fifth floor?

I quit! I don't negotiate with terrorists...

I quit! I don't negotiate with terrorists...

I was playing David Wain. Right.

I would like to bang her and her clumsy vagina. Yeah.

I'm gonna break up with Owen. Why?

In his directorial debut. Uh, not exactly.

in the story. Right, right, right.

It doesn't make any sense! Rob, go back to sleep.

Jefe, check this out. No, but I got to...

Oh, *****. Yeah.

Oh, baby! I'm afraid I have some bad news.

Oh, my God! You're a midget! And you're Puerto Rican.

Oh, so Cutter Spindel is based on David... "David Wain. "

Ohh. It all took place inside

Okay. 319, now get over there right a...

Perhaps... I'm like Jenga. Tell me your future thoughts!

Perhaps... I'm like Jenga. Tell me your future thoughts!

Right. Yeah.

Rob Schneider film fest. Rob Schneider. Send me an evite, will you?

Rob, what's going on? I had that dream again.

So, what does that make today? 9/11 Eve?

Sure, sure. How about yourself?

That's just the brain tumor talking. Oh, my God.

The X ray. Please. I don't trust these,

There you are. Hi.

Trick or treat. you're on the wrong side.

Trick or treat. you're on the wrong side.

Uh, no. I want to break up with you. What? Why?

Wait a minute. You're talking about me? Yes.

We want to let the audience use their brain. I like that.

What dream? The one about the Childrens Hospital.

What the balls is this? That's Nate Schachter,

What? And you got a little piece of food right here.

Who just happen... Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Why? She's got a broken arm. Says who?

Wow. Thank you.

Yeah. That's a great way to describe it.

Yeah. Do it. Okay.

You got it. Hey. You gonna rewrite this again, okay?

You know what tomorrow is? The anniversary of 9/11, right?

You're right, Megan Mullally. Good night. Good night, Rob Corddry.

You're saying Cutter Spindel was based on me? No, no, no, Cutter Spindel

You're there, you're there, you're there. No.

"But you get all the doctors here in one room,

"Dear Papi, you'd like it here at Childrens Hospital. "

"You'd love the doctors here, Papi. They work hard. "