Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story (2004) Soundboard Edit

A blatant cheap shot from White Goodman.

A relentless Globo Gym attack led by their Lilliputian leader, White Goodman

A'iight. But he's not weird or anything, is he?

ADAA rules require we wear matching uniforms.

All I know is that dyke can play.

All I'm asking is that you give it your best for Patches

Allow me the pleasure of introducing you to

Amateur curling championships on ESPN8.

And a coupon for one free back rub from Peter La Fleur.

And a large inheritance from my father, Earl Goodman.

And Average Joe's, not blinded by the bling bling, advances to the semifinal.

And I know you know that I know you.

And it's only your fault if you don't hate yourself enough to do something about it.

And they're going to the finals.

And we know it.

And we will, we will rock you.

And when it does, they're gonna blame you.

And, Katherine, make sure my acquisition of that gym goes smoothly

Attaboy, Tiger.

Average Joe's are a 50 1 underdog here today. No one is giving them much of a chance.

Average Joe's has come all this way for nothing. Absolutely nothing.

Average Joe's shocking the dodgeball world

Average Joe's, ready.

B b b bull's eye.

Back then, the Chinamen threw severed human heads at each another

Blazer.

Boy, would I.

But rest assured, Me'Shell.

But why don't we pay it off in Canadian dollars and save some money?

Can I get a bottle of water?

Can we please try to be serious here for one second?

Captain Peter La Fleur gets eliminated and coach O'Houlihan is not happy.

Championship match is under way. Average Joe's versus the Globo Gym Goliath

Come on, Kate. Time to put your mouth where our balls are.

Cotton.

Crash, no. Crash, out.

Dip. Dive. Dodge

Dive

Do you believe in unlikelihoods?

Dodge, duck, dip, dive and dodge.

Dodge, duck, dip. Dive.

Dodgeball.

Due to an eight month overdue account. Thank you and have a nice day.

End o'story.

ENGLISH

Everybody, 32 teams in play, that means four wins is gonna get you in the final match,

Four Cobras and one Joe. Even a rabid mongoose wouldn't have a chance now.

Four on one. Pibb won't go down without a fight.

Give me that

Globo Gym, ready?

Globo Gym's making mincemeat of the Las Vegas Police Department

Go back to Treasure Island.

Good luck to you, Peter. I'm sure this decision won't haunt you forever.

Good toss by the submissive out there

Goodbye, Peter.

Hello, everybody, and welcome to what you've all been waiting for.

Here come the Purple Cobras, led by White Goodman. All business.

Here comes Germany's Team Blitzkrieg

Hey, honey.

Hey, Peter.

Hey, Rory. Looking good

Hey, there, Timmy.

Hey, White. I didn't think that Nazi camp got out until eight.

Hey, you

Hi. We're all here and

I could teach you, but I'd have to charge

I don't believe it, folks. Sudden death.

I don't know, Steve

I got it. I know how we can raise the money.

I gotta tell you, it feels phenomenal

I helped him shed some unwanted poundage before beach season.

I just wanted to tell you that I thought about what you said, and

I need this place. You guys need this place. Come on.

I won that tournament.

I'll be right back.

I'm gonna catch up with you guys later. I'm gonna have a bathroom... go to the drink...

I'm here to tell ya that you don't have to be stuck with what you've got.

I'm here to tell you you're perfectjust the way you are

I'm through playing games. It's time to end this square dance once and for all.

I'm your new coach.

I've believe you've met my fitness consigliere, Me'Shell

I've even witnessed a grown man satisfy a camel

If people never quit when the going got tough they'd have nothing to regret all their lives.

If you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge a ball.

If you master the five Ds, no amount of balls on earth can hit you

Instead of the ADAA approved balls we use today.

Is he gonna feel it tomorrow? Right in his beak.

It gives me great pleasure

It was one night.

It would be 70,000, roughly, Canadian dollars.

It's a cat and mouse game, folks. Peter La Fleur has gotta wait for his shot

It's like watching a bunch of retards trying to fuck a doorknob out there.

Just so you know, if that's a route you want to follow, it's 50,000 American.

Justin, let's go.

Katie, bar the door. It's time for the championship match

Laser.

Last I heard, my gym makes money. Yours doesn't.

Let's celebrate the good times that was Joe's.

Let's go. A little hustle here.

Let's huddle up here. We've got some work to do.

Live from Las Vegas, it's the Las Vegas International Dodgeball Open

Look at you. Two expired movie passes

Man, the blindfold was crazy.

Me'Shell was having some digestive problems. I hope you don't mind.

Momma.

Mr La Fleur, this is Doris from the Department of Water and Power.

My God, that's awful

My God.

My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard

My sweet Jesus.

My. Globo Gym wins. A Cinderella story cast asunder.

Next man.

Nice one, son. You'll be an all star yet.

No

No. No, he's totally normal.

No. What...

Oh, the tickle machine.

One more, bitch. One more, bitch.

Only ADAA balls will be used

Patches O'Houlihan? The guy from the dodgeball film?

Peekaboo.

People have different translations for things.

Peter?

Please. You are the only one in Las Vegas who knows our routine.

Ready? One, two.

Really. For all our blustery back and forth, we're really pretty much the same guy.

Refreshment? I've got protein paste, carb laxative...

Right in the testicles.

Right.

Right.

See you later, dater.

Show Mr La Fleur out.

Snap.

So come on down and learn a great game the way it's supposed to be played. Right, kids?

So if I choose to level Average Joe's to build a parking structure for my members, so be it.

Surprise.

Tells Suzuki Toyota Oshinawa this is my dojo.

Thanks, Peter. Appreciate that a lot.

That is what I love about you, Kate. You've got a "personality".

That was the worst damn display of dodgeball I've seen in 40 years.

That's a special bond that you have with your mail order wife. I think that's nice

That's it, boy. Get in there nice and deep, like.

That's what this sack of wrenches is for.

The inner city champs for five years straight.

The little team that could, Average Joe's Gymnasium, underdogs throughout,

The reigning European champ hopes to extend their empire here.

There's a souvenir for a lucky fan.

There's no reason we need to be shackled

There's nothing I can do. Rules are rules. You don't have enough players.

There's nothing you can do about it.

They are going to the finals to play Globo Gym for $50,000.

They lose their minds

They must masturbate a lot, Cotton.

This sport doesn't build character, it reveals it.

Three balls at once

Troop 417, ready

Turning Average Joe's into the proverbial pumpkin.

Wait a minute. How can you be entered in the Las Vegas Open?

Wait. He's here.

We gave it a hell of a run, guys. Now let's try to have some fun.

We haven't seen Average Joe's yet. They haven't made it to the court.

We mightjust have a championship game yet.

We're ready to play, Your Honour.

What are the chances? Same day, right across the street?

What the boys go crazy for

What? You gotta be out of your mind. That is the worst call I've ever seen.

Where's your killer instinct? You gotta get angry.

White Goodman, employing his patented peekaboo style attack,

Will you shut that?

Winner Troop 417.

Yeah. Cotton, hey.

Yeah. I hope you're all happy now.

Yes, I'm being told that Average Joe's does not have enough players

Yes.

You are amazing

You got it, Gord.

You ready for the hurricane?

You should know you'd have your own changing room

You want it, don't you, fat boy?

You're out, four eyes.

Your "gym" is a skid mark on the underpants of society.

Average Joe's looking tough. Yes.

Average Joe's. Right.

Breathe it out. Come on, let's get going here

Clean hit. You're out. In the deer gut.

Did you decide to skip arts and crafts? Yes, I did

Hey, Derek. Sweet 'do, man. Get bent, helmet. Let's go, Amber.

Hey, Peter. Hey, Gordon.

Hey, Peter. Yeah?

How is dodgeball gonna get us the $50,000? They have a cash prize for the winner.

How's that working out for you? Really great. Really great

I know you did. I'm not sure where you're going with this

I will? Shut up.

I'm glad that worked out for you. Thanks, Peter.

I've been looking for you everywhere. Really? I mean, why? What's up?

It's a bylaw. What's a bylaw?

It's an insurmountable amount of money. No, it's not insurmountable. Come on.

Nice dodge. Stay alive. Stay alive.

Now he's a philosophiser. Excuse us. Step aside, please

Now you're my bitch. Yeah

Really? Sort of.

Say the controlling stake of Globo Gym. That's preposterous. I'd never allow it

Sorry. Justin?

Thank you, Chuck Norris. Thank you, Peter.

We met. And I almost forgot our last player.

We'll never raise enough money. This blows.

We're both professionals. Really?

We're in the finals tomorrow. And you? I'm in the dodgeball tournament.

What are we gonna do? I don't know. It's a little complicated.

Why not? None of us know how to play dodgeball.

Yes, sir. Better luck next year.

Yes, sir. I do. Our only shot is for you to get angry.

You're fired, pal. You can't do anything to me.

You're in? I'm in.

You're kidding me. He's callin' 'em out.

'Tis about the matter of payment for me membership.