Louie (2010) - Season 2 Edit

A ball, but she's lonely. Who wants to swim by themselves?

A cinder block, we put a cinder block,

A cinder block?

A goof.

A heated toilet seat and a claw foot bathtub.

A lot of I'm one of the people that helps.

A lot of people have guns here.

A man and a woman and me together with a

A month ago, Serge never even mentioned he had a dad,

A person look like that...

A pocketbook that's lined in plastic

A propaganda machine.

A real long time.

A real long time.

A real pain in the ass.

A shot of what?

About a thousand troops.

About fund raising and how everybody needs to pitch in

About how your life could end any second?

About the fishin' and the tradin' and...

Actually, he didn't do anything wrong.

Actually, she died here.

Afghani Nationals.

After a set like that,

After a set like that,

After you're gone.

Ah, yeah.

Ahh, what you... Oh, shit!

Ahh.

Ahh...

Ahh...

Ahh...

Ahh...

Ahhh !"

All his friends took him out. "Come on." No. Shut up

All my friends went to college and I didn't.

All right, 89, wow.

All right, all right.

All right, anybody got anything for page one?

All right, come on. Yeah, they can sleep in my bed.

All right, currently,

All right, forget it.

All right, girls, listen.

All right, girls, listen.

All right, girls.

All right, go on in there.

All right, honey, I'll see you later.

All right, I want to introduce a guy,

All right, I'll see ya.

All right, I'll see you in a bit.

All right, I'm glad

All right, I'm gonna open the door, have to come in.

All right, let's hit a few more stores.

All right, let's take it easy here, fellas.

All right, Sir. Well, let me take some information from you

All right, so anyway...

All right, so we'll see you on the flight line?

All right, thank you.

All right, um...

All right, well, that's what we needed to confirm.

All right, well...

All right, you guys, good night, everybody.

All right, you know what?

All right.

All right.

All right.

All right.

All right.

All right.

All right.

All right.

All right.

All right.

All right. Yeah.

All you need is me, huh?

All's you can do is look at your watch and wait.

Along the slide of my life

Alright, just a second.

Alright, okay, okay!

Alright, there are times when I wish that... they weren't alive.

Also, do you have apples?

America...

Americans only buy things that come from suffering.

Amy, hey...

Amy, I'm gonna go to the bathroom now,

Amy, it's been about four hours and I don't have any

Amy!

Amy?

Amy?

Amy?

Amy.

And and... I just

And Yes!

And ( bleep ) her and ruin her with your penis.

And a garbage truck came and hit him...

And absorbing shit that you didn't ( bleep ) earn.

And accounted for,

And acting stupid.

And after we lost the last one...

And all you get is tickets to this show

And also, can you get blueberries?

And also, did you bring condoms?

And any information you can give us about her mother.

And bananas.

And believe me, I know, 'cause they don't change the sheets.

And buy a "Daily News" and go home,

And by the time that duck gets to be 48,

And can you also get some Vagitine?

And coordinate your niece's care.

And depending on how where in that window I am

And doing things badly?

And drew a face on it with Sharpie.

And even somebody your age. I just want you to know, I think you're great.

And even the inside of your own mind is endless.

And even worse today, I hear.

And get some lubricant separately.

And getting sick and dying.

And go like this for 4 minutes. And it's over.

And he came a long way to make you ugh,

And he drives into a truck or whatever, and he's like,

And he falls down the stairs.

And he gets right on top of me, like,

And he goes to grab me and I ducked out of the way

And he goes, "He's that dude,

And he goes, "I don't... I don't do that."

And he goes, "I never have done it."

And he has billions of dollars and you're giving him

And he keeps doing dumb things,

And he lays there sleeping even longer.

And he lays there sleeping even longer.

And he made it really funny.

And he said "Yeah. Okay" and uhm...

And he said to me,

And he said, "Yeah, I never jerked off."

And he says, "Hey, man, did you see that dude ?"

And he takes, like, a trip and it rains,

And he told me that, and I...

And he went sprawling into the intersection,

And he's been there two weeks.

And he's got no wallet and no credit cards.

And he's not even aware of it.

And he's running right at me.

And he's... and he's going broke

And here you're tailing after this guy?

And his head came off.

And his last words were,

And his life is, you know, okay?

And how do you cope with shit in your past that's bad?

And I I didn't...

And I always gotta have my shirt on, too,

And I always want another one I'm crazy.

And I don't

And I don't know if she can hear well

And I don't know why

And I don't spend, like,

And I farted into it, and then I decided...

And I felt so sick, like I felt... so disgusting.

And I find you very attractive and you're very nice.

And I go like, I rent a car

And I go, "Uh, I gotta sit down and jerk off

And I got a nine year old.

And I guess I feel a little funny,

And I just I think we need a fresh start.

And I just shoved it in my face and I went...

And I just... I had the pillow and I just said,

And I know my girls would be really happy there.

And I know that that's not your...

And I know that's an awkward thing to equate

And I looked at her and she was looking down.

And I love her more so I like being there more.

And I need her not to go with me.

And I need you to know that when I find someone,

And I picked "Tom Sawyer," not "Huckleberry Finn"

And I really hate it.

And I really helped those people, I helped them."

And I regret every decision that led to her birth.

And I said, "Yes!"

And I saw your show and I'm I just

And I should totally be saving for them

And I thank you most sincerely

And I think that you're gonna have a very hard time

And I though it might be nice to share you

And I was afraid to tell you."

And I was at a red light, like, standing on this corner,

And I was like

And I was like, "Are you serious?"

And I was like, "Really?"

And I was like, "So...

And I was like, "Well, hey, what about when you would jerk off?"

And I was like, "What?"

And I was like, if I could...

And I was making fun of Trump and...

And I went and got my pillow from my bed and I sat on it

And I... I love it. I love having kids, but it's hard.

And I'll come and get you, okay?

And I'm a father, I'm divorced. I have a new friend.

And I'm a woman.

And I'm alone with her, but I have my kids here. I don't know what

And I'm driving you around at 2:00 in the morning.

And I'm flying to the Middle East.

And I'm going right from the school to an airfield

And I'm gonna call the gay guy just some guy.

And I'm gonna cook for you

And I'm in somewhere.

And I'm not coming back.

And I'm not even funny, so how is that

And I'm not gonna resist it.

And I'm not gonna say he was gay,

And I'm taking them to Six Flags in the morning.

And I'm totally not saving for them at all.

And I'm, frankly, a little shocked.

And I've always thought, I'm... there's something wrong with me,

And I've got to walk around, living with that every day

And if you ever blab it around, I'll kill ya.

And if you meet Melissa, nothing.

And in the event that that man was to make it back alive

And Indian casinos, you think that's easy?

And it doesn't mean anything.

And it jiggles when I'm ( bleep ), too,

And it makes me a little sick to my stomach. I don't like it.

And it's

And it's a little weird to be going to your home.

And it's a real nice book

And it's all gonna be great.

And it's bubble gum flavored,

And it's grandma and grandpa's shit marriage.

And it's just it's bullshit

And it's not cool for you to run away from me.

And it's not to put her down, she's five,

And it's now like 11:00,

And just know that there's a whole massive section

And just say "******" all night

And keep the money.

And learn from her.

And maybe if I could upgrade us to a date

And my kids don't let me.

And my own show on daytime, an Emmy,

And my penis will just be hidden somewhere in there.

And no one can leave, 'cause he's not gonna not do it.

And no one could judge you

And not much has has changed...

And not yelling at each other.

And nothing and we live in total disrespect of that.

And now he can go eat,

And now he has a whim to be a family again

And now he wakes up again and he's even later.

And now he's, like, stuck in the middle of nowhere

And now I gotta babysit a ( bleep ) college kid.

And now I gotta try to make 'em laugh.

And now they get you free tickets to this

And now they have two and they [beep] crush it down on another kid's head.

And OJ.

And once they're in that room, nobody can reach 'em.

And play the card game where no one loses.

And put it in 17 B.

And raise your kids properly in two well adjusted happy homes.

And send her home so she can put it on Facebook.

And Shai gave us the key.

And she should do it because women's breasts drop.

And she wrote back and said yes

And she's beautiful and he falls in love,

And she's feeding syrupy heroin

And she's speaking in a dead language.

And show him my pussy.

And sleep was like a goddess whore

And so one day I was alone in my house watching TV...

And so one time, he started making jokes about jerking off.

And so we remember...

And so we're both 18 years old

And someone's gonna give me a cigarette on the way home!

And sometimes I get the person who's like

And spending some time with us.

And talk about bad things?

And tell your fat friend that this is my house, not his.

And that just became my problem.

And that there's nothing coming back.

And that would signify the circle of life.

And that... like, I got two little white girls in my house.

And the dog could keep screwing up this guy's life

And the dog's licking the guy...

And the flight attendant was a guy

And the giraffe goes, "What does he look like ?"

And the giraffe's like, "Well, I know a dude

And the giraffe's like, "What dude ?"

And the guy's going, "Sir, it's not gonna fit."

And the kid carries it through their life,

And the kids could each have their own room.

And the lion goes, "He looks like this..."

And the main problem

And the only thing I've learned,

And the other one asks questions.

And the parent and the kids like...

And the streets were lit by gas lamps,

And the tree's like,

And their goddamn pajamas on

And then guess what?

And then he gets fired,

And then he goes and ( bleep ) a swan or something.

And then his life gets better?

And then I told myself, I'm gonna smell this now

And then I was like... I'm Inside my head, I'm like, I want to see him again.

And then it goes from worse to really bad,

And then later, by a daughter of Theodore Roosevelt

And then put her to sleep.

And then something happens and it makes it worse

And then something happens,

And then the guy wakes up and smiling,

And then the red carpet.

And then they don't want anyone to have any say

And then we made plans by mail.

And then we put this thing on her head, um...

And then we're gonna pack you onto Black Hawk helicopters

And then with Melissa, now I have my own show with Melissa.

And then you come here and we show you something else.

And then you go back to the clock and then time goes by

And then you're with her for a few days, and then you come back here.

And then your monthly payments

And then... then you see his face and he's sleeping.

And there's a toilet in the kitchen and

And there's people in other parts of the world,

And these beautiful glass doors

And they can't stay in the school,

And they lay eggs out of it.

And they lose people every day.

And they pee out of it

And they shit out of it,

And they told you you helped but you totally did not help.

And they...

And they're all like weigh on this one little child's head. This big.

And they're fascinated by the all the lang

And they're five and nine years old,

And they're married. They're 43 like me and they're married.

And this bum, like a homeless guy, just came running,

And this is not a nice word to say.

And this last year when I got the card

And throw food in when they're not looking.

And vaginas drop.

And watch actors pretend and talk, I...

And watch TV in the living room,"

And we gotta we have to know it's there,

And we lived in one room, we slept in the same room,

And we think we're the ones.

And we're basically here to try to inject some funny

And we're gonna pay for the window.

And we've been here ever since.

And what are you?

And what if she came over and you moved that?

And what right did you have to assume that?

And when get gets horny,

And whenever a Black Hawk lands,

And why is it gray?

And with makeup on?

And you can find out, if you talk to her

And you can look all you want, but to this day,

And you could have a play room and an office

And you did all these other things.

And you don't know what that time was like

And you go tell Sam

And you have no idea how the world works,

And you have to be kind of gross

And you have to put that down now, in cash.

And you just... you're fabulous

And you made her that and when you made that choice.

And you might be something.

And you probably will.

And you say, "Sam, I'm sorry, I was wrong."

And you shouldn't scare my daddy, either!

And you think two things at the exact same time.

And you were only aware of it for one

And you, you're so afraid of life that you're boring.

And you'll be in the main room.

And you'll feel better, okay?

And you'll have more data.

And you're a good friend to someone

And you're lucky. All right.

And you're not particularly lucky.

And, like, darker and...

And, uh, I have them to myself when I have them.

And...

And...

And...

And...

And...

And... and things just keep happening to him

And... he said,

Another time I was on a subway and...

Any parent who's honest will tell you

Anybody here from New York, New Yorkers?

Anyway, hang up, look up where you are

Anyway, I ran into him about two years ago,

Anyway, I'm reading 'em "Tom Sawyer"

Appreciate where you are, for God's sakes.

Are gonna be 77,000,

Are living in some pretty bad conditions.

Are we going on the plane?

Are we going to New Jersey?

Are you 89, really?

Are you a mother?

Are you a trust fund baby that you quit?

Are you craz Are you craz

Are you crazy?

Are you crazy?

Are you dropping Jane here tomorrow morning? Yes, I am.

Are you interested in making movies?

Are you okay? I'm gonna go for a walk.

Are you ready?

Are you really going to a war tomorrow?

Are you shitting me?

Are you sure?

Are you, you a Gator?

Aren't we? Yeah.

Around 40?

As a race of people.

As I'm sure you noticed.

As much as them. You want to just make sure that they are...

As when I was married. Right.

Ask questions and then guess.

Asshole!

At 6:00 a.m., I'm just

At least from my end.

At six years old because it, like, jaded me for

Attention, ladies and gentlemen,

Aunt Ellen, I... do you remember we were gonna visit?

Aunt Ellen?

Baby, Mama doesn't live here anymore.

Baby, they're just costumes, let's just get home.

Back from the dead, Betty White.

Back into the script,

Bad, you're bad, huh?

Bad. Oh, daddy!

Bananas are loose, my friend.

Because "I'm bored" is a useless thing to say.

Because after today,

Because ducks are monogamous.

Because I don't mind going to bed, if that's what you want.

Because I know what the world is like around them

Because I thought, there's folks that cannot do it,

Because I wanna show you my pussy.

Because I'm I'm in the middle...

Because I've been farting into it all day.

Because it was your mom and she sucks.

Because it's...

Because last time I did it without a shirt on

Because Mark Twain, great author

Because nothing... Let's go for a bike riding at the river.

Because of how much I love her and she loves me back.

Because people that live here just get on, like, "Ugh."

Because she doesn't have e mail.

Because the last time we met, you were sort of...

Because Tom Sawyer is a nice kid

Because we have to ( bleep ) women

Because we love it more than anything else.

Because we're in this pool. There was a deep end. There's a shallow end.

Because yoe say "shit" and ""

Because you seem safe and discreet,

Because you think you deserve better...

Because you're 20!

Because you're awkward with strangers.

Because you're funny and you were all willing to work

Because you're mother's a liberal freak,

Because you're the person standing there

Because, to me, this shit is just a plague.

Because... by the way I know you're all getting quiet and sad.

Before I leave the house."

Being scary is not nice!

Being the fact that you're alive is amazing,

Big tittied, black eyed Guinea bitch can suck my dick.

Blabbing to everybody. No, I'm not gonna tell anybody.

Bored!

Bored.

Boston.

Both.

Boy, what a disaster this is right now.

Bro, pass the high five.

Brother.

Buffalo, that's not New York.

Buffalo.

But a wonderful, wonderful father.

But at the bottom of the stairs,

But do you wanna go out sometime?

But don't push too far, 'cause you're gonna need her.

But don't you dare tell anybody. No, no.

But ducks stay in their relationships forever

But first a little music.

But folks are here so they can add ideas,

But guys just climb on and

But have you ever seen me all dressed

But he also didn't go to college,

But he could be someone at some point, couldn't hurt.

But I I think we're supposed to be together.

But I can't.

But I don't know how to finish it.

But I had... it's just, you know...

But I haven't had sex in a very long time.

But I need you to promise me

But I was

But I wish she was never born.

But I'd have to

But I'm just there to to make some soldiers laugh.

But I'm still the dude that did that.

But in three years, you're gonna be on the phone like,

But instead of resolving it, he just makes bad choices

But it changes our whole opening.

But it is it's a lot, though, I'll acknowledge that.

But it's a detail.

But it's a pretty bad ass duckling.

But it's kind of the same thing

But just...

But let you know there's no shot in hell

But let's find out what he can do.

But look at you, man.

But Mommy always lets us trick or treat after dark

But my name's Louie C.K., I'm a comedian.

But not really, I don't like that..."

But now you do. Now you who your neighbours are.

But people Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

But seriously, Buffalo sucks shit.

But she got on like this, like...

But she used to live here,

But she's shitty at pretty much everything.

But so when are you when are you...

But the bathtub's not filled with water,

But then he meets a girl

But then she turns out to be a crook and she robs him,

But then, all of a sudden, he runs into

But there's nothing like having somebody in your life

But they sounded happy through the door.

But we don't even know her.

But we know where it's coming from,

But what we do is not a job.

But when one of our service members

But why keep failing?

But wow.

But you all know that

But you can be in here if you want, if you

But you do it, and you do it because...

But you gotta have more courage to live in Buffalo.

But you gotta move on.

But you need to stay here and get some tail.

But you want me to come and get you?

But you wanted to get all fancy and go to the aquarium,

But you wanted us to learn about that time.

But you're both staying with me.

But, so how long are you

But, still, we had a good time, right?

But, uh

But... it doesn't get better.

Buy a house?

Buying this house would fix absolutely everything...

By 7:30, I'll read a book.

By a helicopter, that's what they...

By about a billion dollars.

By how they get on the subway?

By saying that regardless of the fact

By scaring the shit out of them.

By the dumpster behind Kentucky Fried Chicken.

Bye bye.

Bye! Bye, thank you! Thank you, bye bye.

Bye.

Bye.

Bye.

Calling up your wife, pissing people off,

Camp Timothy, sir. Thank you very much.

Can I buy you lunch? You know what?

Can I get a picture? Abso Sure, of course.

Can I get a shot?

Can I have a mango pop?

Can I have one?

Can I have your passport, too?

Can I help you?

Can I help you?

Can I hold him? No, no, no.

Can I keep just one duckling?

Can I pitch an idea to you?

Can I see it? Hey.

Can I see you do a show?

Can I see you do a show?

Can I smoke in your car?

Can I talk to you a second about Jane?

Can somebody please tell me

Can we close that door to the casino?

Can we come in?

Can we come in?

Can we keep just one?

Can we keep the ducklings?

Can we play an in the car game?

Can we please stay out a little longer?

Can we please stay out a little longer?

Can you call me a cab,

Can you come to the door?

Can you drive me back to the city?

Can you get some lubricant?

Can you have those sent to the office? Yes, I'll do that, the...

Can you help me out?

Can you just bring some?

Can you run downstairs and pick up a few things?

Can you take off your shoes, please? Sure.

Can you tell me about this later?

Careful, you're gonna step on them.

Carlos and I aren't together anymore.

Cause I'm in the shallow end with the little one, who's clinging to my leg.

Cell phones were really...

Cher had this place, she slept here.

Christian things?

Cleared that window, you're fine. Yeah.

Come 16, you're gonna need Mom.

Come have a drink and we'll talk.

Come here, come here...

Come in. Thank you, okay

Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on.

Come on, come on, come on, come on.

Come on, come on.

Come on, folks.

Come on, get in.

Come on, give me give me a number, give me a number.

Come on, let's go to work.

Come on, man, when are you gonna grow up?

Come on, man, you don't wanna... He's frozen.

Come on, man.

Come on, you work hard for your money.

Come on.

Come on.

Come on.

Come on.

Come to Yeah, that'll be great if you come to the door.

Coming to my house, 2:00.

Coming, coming.

Could we keep them for another night?

Could you could you crack this ****** toe for me?

Crazy.

Crazy.

Cream cheese.

Daddy, can we keep just one duckling?

Daddy, do we have an umbrella?

Daddy, don't!

Daddy, don't!

Daddy, I'm really bored.

Daddy, I'm so bad!

Daddy, I'm thirsty.

Daddy, my beard itches.

Daddy, these people are scary.

Daddy, this isn't pretend.

Daddy, where are we going?

Daddy, why are we walking faster?

Daddy!

Daddy!

Daddy! But I really wanna ask you something.

Daddy?

Daddy? Yeah.

Daddy.

Daddy...

Damn right he is.

Delores, listen, I

Detroit. Right in the actual...

Dictates how much of a radius from my home

Did he say we're taking fire?

Did she tell you that?

Did you ever think how

Did you go to did you study dance or...

Did you just... smell my head?

Did you like the show?

Did you read about Jay Z working the party circuit?

Did you read my script?

Did you see me on TV or something?

Do I do I really need to explain to you

Do it to better themselves, not others.

Do not answer.

Do not let your sister die from pain or lose her baby,

Do the shit out of it.

Do they have any food allergies?

Do we really need another movie

Do what I told you.

Do ya?

Do you do crowd work?

Do you ever do it anyway?

Do you ever make a new friend?

Do you guys do this all the time?

Do you have any Purell?

Do you have new head shots?

Do you know anybody who lives in the East Village?

Do you know how many blow jobs I had to give

Do you know how to contact the father?

Do you know that there was a president

Do you know what I've been through?

Do you know what that means?

Do you like Led Zeppelin or...

Do you like, um...

Do you live in this area code?

Do you love Aunt Ellen?

Do you mind taking one of those bags off, please?

Do you remember him?

Do you remember, there was that

Do you still work with Jim Norton?

Do you think that

Do you understand?

Do you understand?

Do you want me to leave the room so you can jerk off?"

Do you want me to make you an egg? Okay.

Do you want to be in it?

Do you want to have intercourse now?

Do you want to know why it wasn't great?

Do you want to take it for us?

Doesn't he have a cell phone?

Doing that thing, so just do it!

Don't ask me.

Don't be an asshole.

Don't do Don't go to the

Don't do it!

Don't even hope, man.

Don't forget it.

Don't I get to see it, too?

Don't know yet.

Don't let 'em go Yay!

Don't let 'em go under there, please.

Don't play blackjack!

Don't talk to me anymore for a second, for God's sake.

Don't tell me when I can talk.

Don't.

Don't... Look, I need you to.. To...

Donor number 647.

Down the street.

Downstairs?

Dress up and get candy!

Drop your gear, grab what you need, get on transport.

Drop your weapons, put 'em down!

Duckie, duckie, duckie...

Duckie, duckie!

Duckie, duckie.

Duckie.

Duckie.

Dude

Dude, don't mess with Buffalo.

Dude, no.

Dude, they got guns.

Dude, what did I

Dude.

Dude.

Dusted off her old dumb tits and trotted 'em out.

E mail me if you want to do anything.

Education...

Either because you're

Either that I had it

Ellen?

Ellen?

Especially when they're mom is such a piece of shit.

Eunice.

Even happier than they are at their mother's house.

Even women that are aggressive,

Every 20 year old that I encounter behind the counter

Every British royal looks like cock meat.