Noel Fielding's Luxury Comedy - Season 1 Edit

A fabulous holiday and one I'll always remember.

A foul mouthed kookaburra slotted into the top pocket of a wallaby.

A knife wound that started talking to me

A little more, maybe.

A nightmare, I had to carry that to hospital in a matchbox.

A pencil drawing of Pele, done in the naive primitive style.

A tiger!

A wallaby, like a kangaroo but a different animal entirely.

ACCORDION MUSIC

ACCORDION MUSIC

ACCORDION PLAYS

Actually...

Again?

Aged only five years old.

Ah ee ur day!

Ah, it's all bleeding coming together. What a place!

Ah, look, there's John Travolta at the window, eating crisps.

Ah! Pele!

All bleeding coming together, higher, lower, higher, lower. Ha ha!

All bleeding coming together, innit? Ha! All bleeding coming together.

All bleeding coming together.

All coming together. Great food. Top flight food,

All in all, though, not a bad little drawing.

All right, boys, you've got to get out of here, cos I need a job.

All right, Frida?

All right, Frida.

All right, Noel, did you get my package?

All right, Peter.

All right, then.

Almost there.

Along with this portrait of Andre the Giant

Am I nothing?

Am I nothing?

Am I nothing?

Am I nothing?

Am I nothing?

Am I nothing?

An unbelievable actor,

And designed a large flat black leather pocket for me to sit in

And fire!

And giving me hay fever.

And he insisted that everyone he worked with had leather trousers on.

And he said, "Go fuck yourself."

And him at the end, McCoy.

And I borrowed this rucksack from Rene Magritte.

And I call myself a fire baby.

And I haven't got a snazzy car like Mr Ebdon

And I look at a lot of corpses and most of those corpses

And I slice bits of rainbow off, put it in pitta bread

And I tried to recreate those hours by wearing my wife's dress

And I will not go on the bus with you horrible little lot.

And I wonder why keep coming back to it, why I'm so drawn to it?

And I'll be happy to handle your transaction.

And instigating parties with them.

And let loose with your porcelain digits.

And make sure it's toasted.

And my tummy gash regaled the whole party

And occasionally helped me solve cases.

And pieces of rainbow.

And playing myself in the garden.

And poor Hooper was mistaken in his sarong for a lady of the night.

And slashed me across the belly pouch

And so Figo got away with the drugs.

And thank you to Jeremy Beautifulchest

And then I munch it down till I'm big and fat and ready and then

And things went from bad to worse.

And two and a half minutes to prepare your main course.

And we decided to stay on in Miami for a week's holiday.

And well done to Sam's older brother,

And, um, I produced the albums from there.

Andy Warhol has gone on his holidays.

Andy Warhol has gone on his holidays.

Andy, it's totally cool for you to wear a dress.

Andy, what are you doing?

Andy!

Andy?

Anticipating the moment when you would try and cheat the system.

Anyway, one of the most exciting cases we worked on

Anyway, we were down in Miami and I looked like one piece of hot ass.

Are you here for my birthday?

Are you out of your mind, Charlie?

As the enemy.

As we all know, Mrs Kite, the head of the art department,

As you may or may not know,

Ashtray!

At least a screw driver, I mean, it's your choice.

Because I've killed everyone in my village.

Because of the gash, the whole drug bust went tits up.

Best band ever.

Big Trouble In Little China.

BIRDS TWEET

Blowing a whistle reminding you you're fresh out of goddamn paprika.

BOWL SHATTERS

But does not tell me anything I do not know already.

But he's holding a china teacup.

But I think Spoon Snake,

But I'll crush him like a goose egg.

But I've never actually seen it with my own lion peepers. Ha ha!

But is it the ball,

But it is my birthday.

But more swollen so I called them tens and twenties...(S******S)

But my brother in law happens to be one

But the head has been traced.

But then my eye travels down past his midriff to his boots,

But they could make things very awkward for you.

But they fixed me up good

But this one has something,

But when you come down his leg,

But, as we all know, you should never take crockery

But, as we all know, you should never take crockery

But, you know, I think they go better with milk anyway.

BUZZER

Bwye bwye, everyone.

Bye.

CAAAAAAAAARDS?

Cake and a toy?

Cake and a toy.

Can you nip out and get me one?

Can you sing?

Can't we stop at Poppa Yod's old food cafe?

Center Parcs.

Claw, please, slip on the knocking glove

Clickety click.

Cos most people are murdered by the person they love most.

Could you not insult me while insulting someone else?

CROWD ROARS

DANCE MUSIC

Darren Cooper tripped him up and his winkle came loose.

David Lee Roth, king of the lions, you all right, David?

Do I take cards?

Do you know what? I quite fancy a beanburger from Poppa Yod's

Does not see tracing as real drawing.

Don't mind me.

Don't think so.

DOOO YOU TAKE CAAARDS?

DOOO YOU TAKE CAAARDS?

DOOOOOOOOOOOO

DOOOOOYOUTAKECAAAARDS?

DRUM BEAT

DRUM ROLL

DRUM ROLL CONTINUES

Ee buh day!

Eeeeeee!

Eh, Noel, who's the best film star who ever lived?

ELECTRONIC BEEPING

ELECTRONIC SQUEAKS

Ello, ello, ello...

Er, that's not better, try it slower or faster.

Erections everywhere.

Everyone hold hands,

Everyone knows he's using sheets of acid instead of cheese, man.

Everyone knows that.

EXPLOSION

Famous artists of the 20th Century, an icon Andy Warhol.

Fine, I'll call my own goddamn ambulance.

Fine.

FIREMAN'S BELL

Folk music.

For the soundscape to this haunting piece of work.

Frida Kahlo, my new cleaner.

Frida Kahlo, the surrealist painter.

Gentlemen, you have 15 seconds to board your vessel.

Get the straws out, McCoy.

Get the straws out, McCoy.

Ghost of a Flea, what are you doing?

GHOSTLY HIGH PITCHED COOING

Go and wait in the car. I'll deal with you later.

Go on, boys! you can make it happen.

GONG SOUNDS

Good luck and God bless America!

Good night.

Good vehicle for Bacon, that was. Really brought him back after Footloose.

Got to get it back, haven't I?

Gotta be a gourmet chef, hasn't it?

Gotta be a gourmet chef! Who do you reckon? Ramsay?

Gotta go and see the jelly fox.

Great new cereal!

Great. Can you get out now, please?

GROANING

GROANING

GROANING

GROANING

GROANING

Ha ha ha!

Ha ha, exactly!

Ha ha!

Ha ha! Amazing!

Had a little operation when I got here, they took my penis away,

Halleluiah!

HARD HOUSE MUSIC

HARD HOUSE MUSIC

HARD HOUSE MUSIC

HARD HOUSE MUSIC

Harold Faltermeyer disguised as an octopus,

Have been violated and ****d before being murdered, so...

He always does that. Ha ha! I love it, English sense of humour.

He doesn't even know what's going on.

He doesn't want to use his wish from the jelly fox on a wet room.

He hasn't spilt a drop of that tea.

He invented the colouring pencil? He's on his way as we speak.

He lives in a blue fabric castle with the red creases in it

He said, "There is.

He told me he wants to be in a Mel Gibson vehicle.

He wants to be in Apocalypto.

He was not banging her,

He whipped out a sewing machine

He'll give you what you need.

He's a super being.

He's a super magic man.

He's going to give me a tablet

He's good at running, isn't he?

He's got a bumper pack.

He's got special powers to give you what you need.

He's got the straws all wrapped up in a David Essex poster.

He's having a romantic dinner with a cheesecake.

He's holding a china tea cup, an obvious slant towards surrealism,

He's pulling a skipping rope out of his anus, man!

He's saying, "Do you take a card?"

He's so Italian.

He's so racist.

He's tucked them into the front of his shorts.

Hello, David.

Help me, don't just film me, help me!

Helped you on some of your cases(!)

Here comes Roy Circles, he's got chocolate ankles.

Here, try this on.

Hey, look, man. It's a miracle!

Higher, lower, higher, lower. I'm in a zoo.

Him, Claw.

Him, the Spoon Snake.

His cape goes on for ever.

His face is like a green dish.

Hmm mm.

Hmm, a colour diagram, how quaint.

Hmm, go on, I'll take one. Not for me, you understand. For Jesus.

Hmm, what's in it?

Hmm! Hmm! Nice food. Not that hungry, might have that later.

Hmmm!

Hold on, brother!

Hold on, who's going to do my cleaning?

Hooper, what was the name of that case?

HORN BEEPS

How about some music?

How much do you think a drawing like this is worth on today's market?

I am Frida Kahlo, the Mexican surrealist.

I am going on holiday with Picasso and Keith Haring.

I am not Andy Warhol,

I asked for David Bowie.

I asked for Quavers!

I called my eyes "peepers". Ha ha.

I can do about seven packets a week.

I can hear him coming down the stairs.

I can hear his booming voice as he gets closer.

I can hear the ambulance,

I can't bear it any more. Lysergic Casserole are my favourite band.

I can't handle it in here, I'm going crazy.

I can't help you, I got no signal.

I can't watch them going round and round inside their own minds.

I can't, I got no battery.

I could slot in with these guys as soon as look at them...

I didn't know anyone would come.

I didn't know you were so deep and complicated, Noel.

I didn't know you're a transvestite, Andy.

I do.

I don't expect a civilian punk like you to know the difference.

I don't give spending money to fire babies.

I feel like my skin is really creepy

I got a gift for mimicking different types of emergency siren.

I gotta go, Noel, I'm in the pub.

I had to crawl on my goddamn hands and knees to the hospital

I just need a chance to shine!

I just pump them out from my blue shorts straight into the packets.

I killed everyone in my village with an Argos pen.

I know, but imagine if they get out.

I laughed so hard I burst open my tummy stitches

I love it here! All bleeding coming together, I'm in a zoo

I love McCoy.

I love you, David, you're king of the lions.

I make rainbow kebabs and they spin round

I mean, I look at it and I think, I don't really like your drawings,

I mean, I've read about it and I've heard about it

I mean, that's my multi coloured rabbit droppings.

I never had a job before.

I notice the ball and it hits me like a thunderbolt!

I really need a beanburger, man.

I remember I worked with Jim Morrison in the '60s

I ride the pommel horse home like every PE teacher should.

I said to him, "It's already been filmed,

I said, "There's no such thing as the new Apocalypto."

I said, I don't think that Mel Gibson's agreed to that.

I saw him in a Spanish canoe.

I saw him once, assuming the shape of the rest in snooker.

I see Pele, a footballer, holding a china cup

I solved most of them you fat son of a bitch!

I suppose I could ask him.

I swear I saw the hand of God place it there himself, Charlie, man!

I think it's a joke.

I think it's time to have a little drinky.

I think we might need to have a little rest.

I told you, Nathan, you idiot!

I was one of them.

I was thinking of hitting Pizza Express. Want to join me?

I will need some spending money.

I will see you in the holding pattern.

I'd probably just blue tack it to the fridge door. What is it, anyway?

I'll never get over those images.

I'm 100 today, you know.

I'm 100! It's my birthday!

I'm a bit puffed out, actually.

I'm bleeding to death here, if you haven't noticed!

I'm coming!

I'm coming.

I'm Frida Kahlo, the Mexican surrealist.

I'm getting it valued later by Daran Cache.

I'm going through a terrible divorce.

I'm having a brain snap.

I'm moving stuff about in here, John.

I'm not Andy! I'm Frida Kahlo!

I'm not going on about it!

I'm not in this show.

I'm not transvestite!

I'm puffed out like in 1986, when I went to Crete in a moccasin.

I'm Sergeant Raymond Boombox.

I'm so hungry, man!

I'm sorry, man!

I'm the moon!

I'm trying to put you in some kind of goddamn context.

I'm usually not, but when I do felt tip drawings, I get pretty deep, yeah?

I've always had a thing for Latino girls!

I've built a ramp out of Ryvita. I'm going to set them free.

I've got an idea.

I've got to phone Trisha!

I've got to wipe away my past

If they even sniffed you out as a cop,

If you can't be bothered, I'll have a sandwich.

If you hadn't eaten the card we wouldn't be in this mess.

If you want to wear a dress in front of the whole group, that's fine.

Impossible to put a figure on a drawing like that, it is priceless.

In 1975 I received a knife wound in the line of duty.

In the event of losing a loved one some people would turn to therapy

In you go.

Interesting observation.

Is it a ball or is it the saucer for the cup?

Is it a romper suit and helmet?

Is it like a fireman's top half and then a nappy?

Is she smiling, isn't she smiling? This throws up similar sorts of questions.

Is that enough?

It didn't bother me, I was a frightening mimic,

It in a frame, it's a masterpiece. What would you do with it?

It is all bleeding coming together? Please say it's coming together.

It was a sarong, actually, and it was your wife's.

It was so good, it was Lloyds flavour.

It wasn't really the same

It'll give us what we need.

It's a bit racy, isn't it?

It's a concept.

It's a concept.

It's a concept.

It's a joke.

It's a joke.

It's a joke.

It's a ramp made out of Ryvita! We are home free, brother!

It's Barclays, not Bar clays, you goddamn schmuck!

It's clearly Andy

It's gone everywhere.

It's in California.

It's like a glass hedgehog and he comes out...

It's made out of ordinary cheese.

It's my birthday and I'm 100!

It's my birthday!

It's not a concept, is it?

It's not a joke, Noel.

It's not a joke. It's a serious concept.

It's not ridiculous. It's a concept.

It's not. It's a concept. It's insulting of you.

It's Pele, holding a china cup. I like it, it's clear, it's direct.

It's quite ridiculous, like a joke.

It's so cool, Andy.

It's the eternal question. Is she a woman? Is she a man?

It's wonderful! Keep doing it!

J cloths?

J cloths.

Jesus Christ, that's not helping anything, put your eyes away.

John! Any news on my penis?

Join me next week, and remember always keep a knife under your bed,

Just after Aladdin Sane?

Just look at the size of that carrot! Ha ha!

Knock on his door.

KNOCKS ON DOOR

Kurt Russell. Yeah.

Left a typhoon on in India.

LET ME OUT! LET ME OUT!

Let me see.

Let me take a closer look.

Let's all have some fizzy pop.

Let's play a party game!

Let's put it in the gallery.

Like a slightly hairier Kirk Douglas without the deformed chin.

Like a sort of Nazi kangaroo pouch.

Like, I go into a chamber and I eat loads of vitamins

Look at him weaving in and out of the bracken, he's so balletic,

Look at McCoy.

Look at Spoon Snake.

Look at this, I've got a tyre on a rope. Ha ha!

Look at this.

Look at us, we're off to see the jelly fox.

Look, everyone stop talking now!

Look, he's gone right down to the corner flag.

Look, they're still in here!

Look! There's Orson Welles!

Looking.

Lysergic Casserole.

Lysergic Casserole. The '60s.

Made one blinding album in the '60s then disappeared. It all went wrong

MAJESTIC CHORAL MUSIC

Man, whose hands are these, Charlie?

Mappy buh day!

McCoy's got diabetes.

Me and the gash got loaded on cocktails,

Me, little Chrissy.

Mm.

Mmm!

Mmm.

Mmm...Rodriguez, put a shot of bourbon in that, will you?

MUSIC FROM VISION ON'S "GALLERY"

MUSIC: HEAVY DRUM INTRO

My friend will cover for me.

My shins are made of doo wop music!

Needless to say, he was not a happy bunny. He produced a Norman sword

Never heard of them.

Nevertheless, this won't happen again, will it?

Nice suitcase.

No one ever has, that's the problem.

No way! I love her staff.

No, but if you want any free colouring pencils, give me a call.

No, but they're outside the shops, by the bush.

No, class. I do not cycle home like Miss Kite

No, he's still in prison.

No, I am not a doctor, thank you very much,

No, it doesn't.

No, we do not want to hear your impersonation of Michael Caine! Shut up!

No.

Noel, can you sign my holiday form, please?

Not a colour diagram, is it?! It's a masterpiece!

Not him, he's an idiot, he's my cleaner.

Not only would they kill you

Not sure

Not wonky Steve!

Not you, McCoy, you've got diabetes.

Now, it'd be great if you could all go.

Obviously, I haven't got legs, so

Of course he did, he was banging her.

Of course I don't take cards!

Oh God, Charlie, man, I can't feel my own hands!

Oh, all 20!

Oh, as if you're married,

Oh, boy! I think I'm one of them lizard people.

Oh, don't forget your party bag.

Oh, for God's sake.

Oh, great, very funny.

Oh, how we laughed when he was almost gang banged by 15 sailors.

Oh, I know it, it's the Kevin Bacon one.

Oh, it was the saucer!

Oh, last Thursday, I woke up on my own and there was blood in my pants.

Oh, look. I've got a tongue just like you.

Oh, man! Aw...

Oh, my God, he's got like a whole little world.

Oh, my God, it was so not Lloyds flavour, it was Bar clays.

Oh, my God, you've blown Andy's mind!

Oh, my God!

Oh, no. It's God.

Oh, really?

Oh, right, yeah.

Oh, yeah, actually, it has got something.

Oh, yeah! This changes everything!

Oh, yes! Oh, yes, it's wonderful!

Oh, you wouldn't believe it. It's Frida Kahlo, covering for Andy Warhol

Oh, you're really getting the party going, aren't you?

Oh!

Oh!

Oh! Look at John Travolta,

Oh! Oh, my God!

Oh...Bar clays, Barclays...bite me

Oh...oh...oh.

OK, does anyone want to hear my impersonation of Michael Caine?

OK, don't go on about it already.

OK, it's a film.

OK, let's consult Hawkeye.

OK.

Onto the playing field.

Onto the playing field.

Oooh, I'm treading on my lunch.

Or is it the saucer for the cup?

Or is it the saucer for the cup?

Or was it?

Or Worrall Thompson Gotta be, innit?

PARTY WHISTLE BLOWS

Peepers!

Pele, come back, please!

Pele, cross it, Pele!

Pele, please! Pele, don't leave me!

Pele, you don't understand, I've had enough an offer from Daran Cache.

Pele!

Perfect job, patriots!

Pinching Slimbar!

Pinching Slimbar!

Pinching Slimbar.

Pinching Slimbar.

Pinching Slimbar.

Poppa Yod's the reason we're in this mess in the first place, man.

Praise the Lord, the boy can see!

Precisely, thank you, Hooper.

Probably having a look at my penis.

Probably...no.

PSYCHEDELIC MUSIC

Put a little whisky in that, will you, Rodriguez?

Really?

Really?

Really? What is it?

Reminds me of a young Edvard Grieg.

Removed my penis. Probably having a look at it, aren't they? Ha ha.

RHYTHMIC FOLK MUSIC

Ridiculous.

Right then, up ahead,

Right, come on,

Right, then, one, two, there, four,

Right. I'll be off, then.

Right. I'll be off, then.

Saucer, cup, saucer, cup, saucer, cup.

Saucer, cup, saucer, cup, saucer...

SCHOOL BELL RINGS

See, it's a concept.

Sent in by Sam Makepeace,

She's amazing.

Shut up, you freak.

Shut up!

Sir, put your card in my mouth

SIREN WAILS

Sit down, sit down, we'll have some Hula Hoops, David.

Smooth!

So are they in the shops, then?

So I phoned up Mr Kipperbang, you know the cake doctor,

So I've been around a lot of accidents, OK?

So the goddamn gash ate Figo's card.

So, Andy, what do you think it's worth?

So, maybe sometimes you give me some spending money?

So, Noel, is this a joke or a concept?

Somebody call an ambulance, this guy's in trouble.

Somebody call me an ambulance.

Sometimes, I dress up as a cross between a fireman and a baby,

Sorry, sarge,

Sorry.

Speak the lingo...

Spoon Snake, Claw, McCoy,

Spoon Snake, phone your wife.

Spoon Snake's wife wants a wet room.

Standing in the window, eating crisps.

STEAM TRAIN WHISTLE

TAAAAAAAAAAKE

Tell her you'll probably never see her again

That dissolves in wine to wipe away my past.

That was my masterpiece. Hang on a minute.

That'll be the nicotine.

That's a good choice.

That's a little joke for the tiny ones.

That's cos I'm happy, I'm happy with my environment(!)

That's my own shit.

That's my raison d'etre, man.

That's not even a word.

That's right, Sam, we've been watching you for five years,

The ball?

The head has not been traced, thank you very much.

The jelly fox, the jelly fox.

The station there's been a small emergency.

There he is down there in the jungle. Look!

There's Italian pollen coming off his face

Therefore this Caran D'Ache abomination must be taken

These are numbers, ignore those,

They are from the '60s. The world's changed and they're on a lot of acid.

They just happened to be at the same night school doing the same dance classes.

They might make a second album. I could be their manager.

They took so much LSD they got trapped in their own guitar case.

They're bound to give it back to me. Probably Thursday,

They're just going on the floor!

They're probably doing a diagram or something of it for a zoology book.

Think they'll be all right?

This came for you.

This is a standard observation.

This is the spit that the Devil Man siiiings!

This tank is not made out of Swiss cheese.

Those, my friend, are the injuries of war.

Three words. First word.

THROBBING KEYBOARD MUSIC

THUNDER

THUNDER

THUNDER AND LIGHTING

To help them through hard times. Other people might turn to religion.

To the little tippy toe of his boot, and you see this, what is that?

Tracing? Tracing?

Tried to do cross country with a teapot in his shorts,

Turned to swingball. You see, we used to play tennis together

TV CRICKET THEME CONTINUES

Tyre on a bleeding rope!

Ugh! Where are you going now?

Um, mine.

Um... Pinching Slimbar.

Use your phone!

Violence, just like on the battlefield when I was young.

Vodka jelly?

Wait a minute, didn't I already pay you about two days ago?

Wait a second, if I'm not mistaken, the body has been done in freehand

Was it really worth it, Sam?

Was it really worth it?

Was when we were in Miami undercover.

We ain't got a moment to lose.

We all laugh at that but it's not a joke, it's a medical condition

We are all cool people, you know.

We are free!

We can still see you, Noel.

We don't want to upset him by scratching the new mahogany.

We'll go out, get a couple of chicks and a couple of beers.

We'll have that later. Yeah. There he is.

We're all going to get what we need.

We're entering the dark zone.

We're gonna be fine.

We're literally on the jelly fox's doorstep.

We're off to see the jelly fox, the jelly fox.

We're off to see the jelly fox, who gives you what you need.

We're off to see the jelly fox.

Weaker people like myself, when I lost my wife,

Well done, Noel.

Well done, Sam,

Well, good luck on New Faces.

Well, I know it's a concept.

Well, it was the '60s. A lot of drugs kicking around

Well, it's Pele. He's holding a china cup, that much is clear.

Well, Noel, to be honest, it is

Well, not an offer, but he gave me his business car, pretty racy.

Well, send me a postcard, yes?

Well, use your phone then.

What a card!

What a dick.

What are those holes, then?

What are you doing?

What are you doing?

What are you doing?

What are you lot doing here?

What are you saying to me?!

What do I look like, a cash machine?

What do you do, anyway?

What do you know, are you a doctor?

What do you mean, what is it? It's Pele,

What do you mean?

What do you mean?

What do you mean?

What do you want in it?

What have you spent it on?

What questions?

What so you mean?

What the hell are you doing?

What, the one where you wore the pink salmon shorts?

What?

What?!

What'd you have to order double Swiss for, Charlie?

What's that supposed to be?

What's the best film that's ever been made?

What's wrong with you? What are you, a re enactment?!

WHEELS SQUEAK

When did you do that, you sicko?

When he went through his Tiger period?

When I first made them they looked like hundreds and thousands

When little Steven Kahle, the Kenyan boy,

Where are you going?

Which is slightly interesting,

While he's on his holidays.

WHIP CRACKS

WHISTLE BLOWS

WHISTLING CONTINUES

Who actually did the work.

Who came up with that?

Who could come up with that?

Who goes there?

Who, then?

Who's Daran Cache?

Who's that?

Who's this hottie?

Who's this?

Why haven't I got a rucksack?

William Jessop, stop summoning up visitors from the other side

WIND RUSHES

With his impersonations of Michael Caine and Harry Dean Stanton.

With the speed and agility of a NASA cyborg.

Woo hoo!

Woo!

Woo! Hoo hoo!

Woo...doggy! Ha ha!

Working with these scumbags was absolutely terrifying.

Would you like a party bag?

Would you like a receipt with that, sir?

Wow, so you think you might be inserted in buying it, then?

Yah. Yah, great.

Yeah, all right.

Yeah, all right. See you later, Peter.

Yeah, but is it a football?

Yeah, course I'm putting

Yeah, great.

Yeah, he's at the window and he's eating crisps.

Yeah, he's great at running, he's gone now, for ever.

Yeah, I mean, it's a nice design, but probably gets a bit annoying.

Yeah, just eating them. Pretty good, actually.

Yeah, nice one. Don't call me again, yeah?

Yeah, they're called Secret Pieces and they're good, ain't they?

Yeah, we were doing modern tap and er...urban hip hop.

Yeah, you know that's Andy Warhol, don't you?

Yeah! I've got it here, actually. I bought it on eBay.

Yeah! What do you mean?

Yeah.

Yeah. I'm fully aware of that.

Yeee...

YEEEES, PLEEEEASE.

Yes, you try.

Yes?

Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

Yes. It is my aim to make colouring pencils sexy again.

Yes. Jackson Pollock gave it to me

Yes. These are notes.

Yo...I gave you the money, what's say you give me the drugs,

You are an idiot!

You are going to love this.

You be quiet.

You can't really go and see the jelly fox in one go.

You could go round this. Ha ha! You could go round a pointed rock.

You couldn't get bored, could you? Could you get bored?

You do not have access to my wife's sarong collection

You gave him spending money, remember?

You have a lovely voice.

You have drawn a footballer kicking a football.

You have three minutes until take off

You just appeared there on a fat guy's gut!

You know there's no coming back from this?

You know, the one where he plays the paedophile. Oh, what's it called?

You live with one of the most

You look exactly like him.

You looked ridiculous, you're big, fat pumpkin ass sticking out.

You mind your mouth!

You picked those out for me, what were you wearing anyway,

You putting that in a frame?

You see, I can be a character like Mr Clasby,

You see? It's enigmatic, like the Mona Lisa, you know,

You're a thirsty one!

You're not chewing them properly, David, what's wrong with you?

You're not supposed to be back until 11:30!

You've got a tank made from Swiss cheese!

Your wife's skirt?

YOUUUUUUUUUUU

..and I was going to use them as cake decoration

..but everyone's got toothpaste on their eye."

..they're very moreish.

'All we had to do was get a payment off this guy

'and shuffled through a concrete archway.'

'and we could bust his thorax.'

'Chop, chop, chop!'

'Come on, man!'

'Concept

'Dr Watson checked his new pocket watch

'Named so cos everything he landed on turned rotten.

'Sherlock Holmes. Chapter one. Moriarty's Revenge.

'the fog thick and clinging to the passing stage coaches.

'The smell of beer wafted through the narrow cobbled streets,

'We'd offloaded some drugs to a known local dealer called Figo the fruit fly.

"GALLERY" MUSIC

"GALLERY" MUSIC

"I can be in Apocalypto. I can be in the new Apocalypto."

"It's like Apocalypto...

"you can't be an Apocalypto." He says,

"You're a big man, but you're out of shape."

(COUGHS) Oh, Peter!

(COYOTE HOWLS)

(CRUNCHES)

(CRUNCHES)

(CRUNCHES)

(HUMS)

(HUMS)

(HUMS)

(HUMS)

(HUMS)

(HUMS)

(HUMS)

(LAUGHS)

(LAUGHS) Remarkable! What are they made from?

(No, you're not Andy!)

(PANTING)

(RATTLES)

(RATTLES)

(RATTLES)

(RATTLES)

(SCREAMING)

(SCREAMING)

(SCREAMING)

(SCREAMING)

(SQUEAKY VOICE) This is the black milk that the Fewwawi Man bwings

(WAILS)

(WHISTLES TV CRICKET THEME)

♪ ..Eyeball seesaw. ♪

♪ And it had money inside

♪ And it's your birthday

♪ And you opened it up, there was money inside

♪ Baby, bye bye

♪ Baby, bye bye

♪ Blow out the candles and make a wish while you can

♪ Blow out the candles and make a wish while you can

♪ Bye bye, now It's the end of the show

♪ Come back next for another show

♪ Crawling up the road, eating up the toad

♪ Gonna give you the bumps

♪ Gonna give you the bumps

♪ Gonna give you the bumps

♪ Gonna give you the bumps

♪ Got a Japanese dream boy living in my eyeball

♪ Got to go now It's the end of the show

♪ Happy birthday

♪ Happy birthday

♪ Happy birthday

♪ Happy birthday

♪ Happy birthday

♪ Happy birthday Gonna give you the bumps

♪ Happy birthday I'm gonna give you the bumps

♪ I crawled out of a swamp in Putney

♪ I'm crawling up the road, I'm licking up the toad

♪ I'm going to have some bug soup tonight... ♪

♪ I'm my own percussion, that's my surprise (RATTLES)

♪ In the bag. ♪

♪ It's a voucher!

♪ It's a voucher!

♪ It's a voucher!

♪ It's your birthday

♪ La la la la la la la

♪ La la la la la la la

♪ Licking up the road with the Japanese dream boy... ♪

♪ Luxury comedy

♪ Luxury comedy

♪ My father was a pet shop junkie

♪ My mother had 100 eyes

♪ My mother had 100 eyes

♪ Now it's your birthday Gonna give you the bumps

♪ Oh baby I like it raw

♪ Oh baby I like it raw...

♪ Oh baby I like it... ♪

♪ Oh, call me Diamondback

♪ Ooh yeah

♪ Ooh yeah

♪ Ooh yeah

♪ Ooh, yeah ♪

♪ Oooh, yeah

♪ Pele, Pele Score a goal, Pele. ♪

♪ People in the night with people up above

♪ People in the night, people up above

♪ People running down, people making love

♪ That's my surprise

♪ They call me Diamondback

♪ They call me Diamondback

♪ Whose voucher?

♪ Yeah baby... ♪

♪ Yeah, come on!

♪ Yeah, Diamondback

♪ Yeah, I'm Diamondback

♪ Yeah, it had money inside

♪ Yeah, it had money inside

♪ Yeah, it's your birthday

♪ Yeah, they call me Diamondback

♪ You got a card from your nan

♪ You got a card from your nan and you opened it up

♪ You gotta come back For another show bye bye

♪ And it's your birthday I'm gonna give you the bumps

♪ Baby, bye bye Baby, bye bye, whoa! ♪

♪ Luxury comedy, ooh yeah