Man of the Year (2006) Soundboard Edit

Always been a big fan of your work, sir.

And for a brief moment, I thought, you know, I could be the President of the United States.

And I wasn't exactly pleased.

And in the process, people get neglected.

And my hair.

And subsequently discovered that she was heavily involved in the use of barbiturates and cocaine.

And tell the American people that I'm not the legitimate President of the United States.

And the enormously important role that they play in our failure or success

And, literally, brought down the House with laughter.

And, uh, you've elected a man as President who is probably the unluckiest man in the world in that area.

As I understand it, there's no problem.

Because I think a woman can be obsessed with a movie star like Brad Pitt hello!

Between the major candidates for President of the United States.

Bring it back, bring her back. I want constant updates.

But I'm hoping for a dark walnut with a nice veneer. That'd be lovely.

But Kellogg trumps him with double G's and you trump him with double B's.

But they decided to cover it up for economic reasons.

But when I found out about his radical environmental policy, I went, Mm mm

By the way, Mr. Dobbs, I never thought you had a chance.

Campaign during the day, date at night. It's like some weird reality show.

Could we just talk and not move?

Dammit.

Did she mention that she had a bad drug problem? She had a breakdown here.

Did you know there were once ads

Died this week of heart complications.

Does this mean I'm out of a job?

Double B...

Double L... double G.

Eleanor, tomorrow at 11 o'clock I'm gonna have a press conference

Ellie, whatever your problem is...

Ellie?

Everyone's gonna be writing about how honest you are, how straightforward.

Excuse me, Mr. President.

Excuse me.

For those of you thinking of getting implants, there's something new to try.

Good evening. Welcome to this last presidential debate

Good, good. Give me an address.

Gotta let people know the election's a fraud.

HAL decided it liked me.

Have my way with myself and then go, Should I drive myself home now?

He's in the debate?

He's talking about hydrogen fuel. He wants an amendment to the Constitution on flag burning.

Her ID's showing up in the log. She's been in the mainframe, poking around the code depository.

Here it is: the people are voting, there is an election, the democratic process is working.

Here we go.

Hey, I just went through the cue cards, and you're gonna kill

Hold on, I got a call. Hello.

However, Dobbs became upset when he learned that Monday would no longer be re runs

I always thought the TV Nielsen ratings were full of shit, but this?

I assume he's from Delacroy. He has a pickup truck.

I brought you some camouflage and thermals 'cause it's gonna be cold up there. Follow me, men.

I can make this a lot easier for you

I don't care what you say, but say it with humor. These crowds expect it.

I got the ballot from San Mateo so I thought I'd run my own election

I had to. And now I hate myself.

I just hope your honesty doesn't undercut your irreverence.

I mean, OK, I don't know you. I mean, I know you...

I tried to warn them. It's that error that's made you the next President of the United States.

I wanna keep doing it because I sense that'll work.

I worked out your bit with SNL. They really liked it

I... was just double checking.

I'll back up now for harassment reasons.

I'm shaking it up there.

I'm tracking her on her GPS

If they throw their panties on stage for me, it's 'cause they want them fluffed, folded and back by Friday

If you find any other nonsense you'd like to talk about, I'll be glad to discuss it.

If you find the right naughty pine, you're gonna have a good night.

If you get stopped by the police, say, My car's been drinking, not me!

If you put enough chemicals in the water, you'll be fishing, going: I love catching two headed bass.

If you tell a joke and it stinks but you put a laugh track over it, the joke still stinks.

If you wanna tinker with it for a future election, it's not only your prerogative, I encourage you.

In Chicago I'm doing the same thing I've been doing. That's how I got here.

Is anyone trying to figure out what happened with the system?

It eliminates long lines and confusion at the polls.

It should be on the news any minute. It looks like we're gonna take North Carolina!

It was a very small cutback, actually. Just me.

It will appear democracy is in the shithouse, and by tomorrow Delacroy will be nonexistent

It will be diverse and include Republicans and Democrats

It'd be like little patches like they wear in NASCAR.

It's a little too late now.

It's a pretty closed up system, and it's gonna move up quickly...

It's about the same. We're pretty easily amused.

It's good to see us back. The fact that we can laugh is wonderful. But the last few years we've been divided.

It's like wanting to get laid and forgetting to bring along the woman.

Jack, I've been trying to call her but I can't reach her.

Just be entertaining. Look at it this way. Who would you rather have dinner with:

Kellogg and Mills are running about even, with Dobbs at around 17% of the vote.

Like some company?

Look, if I hear anything I'll contact you.

Lots of people have psychological problems, mental problems, health problems of one kind or another.

Maybe forthright... God.

Maybe I should.

Maybe Tom Dobbs had something to do with it. Who knows?

Mm hm

More than from newspapers and actual news programs.

My name is Faith Daniels and I'll be the moderator

Next thing you know they have to deal with the special interests,

Next time I want to go stilettos, something crazy.

No, they can't hear. Well, they hear each other, but not us.

No. All I'm saying is, these numbers, these results, this is what I mentioned to you in my email.

Not your wealthy, your gifted and your endowed.

Now we got applause. This is wonderful.

Now, Senator Mills has very strong numbers, but not strong enough to beat President Kellogg.

Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God.

Oh, I wish I could walk.

Oh, yeah!

Oh... shit.

OK.

OK. You mean to tell me that we didn't shut down her access when we let her go?

On the West Coast the second domino toppled over.

One o'clock, no Hitler.

Phew, hope this works.

President elect Tom Dobbs.

Put on music that I liked,

Saturday Night Live wants you. What do you think?

Senator Mills, I'd like to ask you the same question

She used phrases like a glitch in the system, compatibility problem, things like that.

She was trying to explain it to me. But it didn't make sense.

She's impossible. I don't know who she's talking to, what she's saying.

Shortly thereafter, Tom Dobbs was on the ballot in 13 states.

Since I am now the first show business manager ever to handle a president.

So what do you make of this woman's obsession with you?

Tell me that you are not receiving major campaign finance contributions from oil companies.

Thank you. Sorry I'm late my horse pulled up lame.

That was part one of the unusual progression of events.

That's from our new book, One Night in Paris.

That's my ex wife, who I am not on good terms with. I just farted a little while back there

That's why we're here 'cause you want change! Yeah!

The air will be full of bullshit. They'll be thanking everyone, do all those niceties

The FBI will confirm that you had no contact with Eleanor Green prior to the election.

The following is a quote from our debate advisory standards:

The format has been agreed to by representatives of both the Republican and Democratic campaigns.

The good news is, all the computer voting systems installed in polling stations remained secure.

The government said recently... Well, a lot of people said that we're cutting back spending.

The Statue of Liberty says, Give me your tired, your poor,

Then I... I have an idea: don't vote for the congressmen or senators.

They'll thank their wives, children, all their campaign supporters.

They're already in their suits, waiting to be buried.

This is the happiest night of my life..

This is where I belong, with folks like you, finding the funk in dysfunctional.

This makes golf look like porn.

Those wigs, it's kind of nice.

To Jack Menken, a man who once said:

To see Dobbs' costumed visit firsthand.

Tom, could I talk to you for a minute?

Tomorrow I will officially announce my candidacy for President of the United States.

Unless somebody discloses indiscriminately, willy nilly.

Was talking to the audience during the warm up routine prior to the taping of his show.

We deal in weapons of mass distraction. They push your buttons

We don't stock the charger for that anymore. How long have you had that phone?

We have a format that we have agreed upon. May I remind you...

We have a lot to live up to

We just stop listening.

Well, after Saturday Night Live tonight, then I'm gonna be heading on

Well, in LA, maybe.

Well, Menken thinks it's for the best. No sense postponing the inevitable.

Well, there is a problem it's a year old.

What does my legal counsel suggest, then?

What? Are you calling me a liar?

What? You can fix my problem?

When the dubbed versions come in I need to see the contracts.

When there's a debate...

Where it's not only questions of malfunction but also questions of legitimacy.

Who believes you? Who's gonna believe you?

Whoops

Why is that so bad?

Why?

With 99% of the vote in, comedian Tom Dobbs has won Texas.

With respect to family, children, wives and immediate family,

Yeah

Yeah. Besides, Secret Service already flagged you and I said you were OK.

Yes, sir. I'm in her hotel now.

You can either get off the Mayflower or have four girls in a Cadillac.

You can have a hard on, but you can't see where to put it.

You could be Bewish ******* and Buddhist. You sit and you wait for things to go on sale.

You deny other things education, environmental issues...

You figured out the computer glitch. You should be paid

You got a lot of setup here. You don't need that much.

You gotta go to makeup, Tom.

You guys have a fight?

You have a busy schedule. Keep your head in that. Period.

You have a waste processing plant next to a recreation area.

You have to do the birthday toast now.

You have to see this!

You owe someone something somewhere down the line.

You should be accountable for who you are.

You wanna talk about a serious issue, nowadays people tune out.

You'll get on the scale and the scale will go, Psst! I've talked to the microwave

You're not concerned? Me crashing the party?

12:30, no Hitler.

12:45, no Hitler.

(# Hail to the Chief) Do we have a special guest?

(applause) Thank you.

(high voice) I learnt to read. (laughter)

(news anchor) And Indiana goes to Dobbs. (cheering)

But it's my mess! It's my mess and I'll clean it up. OK

But you have your own TV show. But on the show I ask the questions.

Can we get back to questions of the cabinet? Certainly.

Did I hear Saturday Night Live? Yeah.

Do we know where she is? Not yet, but we will.

For God's sakes. We got some real trouble here. ...and the airlines...

He's got to make his move. More oomph!

Hey, Angus. Cappuccino. Can't you see he's busy getting mine right now?

How so? TV scares me. It makes everything seem credible.

I can't believe you touched my things. Ellie, I didn't...

I... fully support hydrogen cars. (Tom) But you're backed by oil companies.

I'm out. Well, thank God.

It's a Mr. Potato candidate. (laughter)

It's like being a kosher pig farmer. He's getting angry.

It's my middle name. Compassion.

Mr. Dobbs! They don't know what to do.

No problem? We move on.

Oh, Danny. What?

She was trying to tell me something. It was snowing.

So this is all part of the same computer error? Yes.

Staffing up? Yeah.

There's no drug problem. That's all I need to know.

To lift your ass. Lift the ass!

Too fast? No, I'm fine.

Well, did you ask? No. I was too embarrassed to.

Well, if you wanna be picky... Oh, picky

What do you mean, it's not computing right? Something's wrong.

Where do you do your writing? Usually on the back of a napkin, sitting in a bar

Why are you there? I didn't know what to do. I thought this was safer.

Why did you decide to test the system? I don't know.

Yeah, maybe. The wing is...

Yes. OK

You did? Mm hm.

You wanna dance? I don't dance.

You'll have your turn, Mr. Dobbs. Sorry.

(cheering)

(Eddie chuckles)

(Jack) He was bigger than ever.

(Jack) I am now the manager of the president elect of the United States.

(laughs)

(lock beeps)

(man) On September 2nd something very, very unusual happens.

(man)...speech today will give some insight into the Eleanor Green situation.

(muffled cries)

(overlapping voices continue)

(phone rings)

(press corps shouting)

(Tina) A report suggests that more species of birds mate for life than previously believed,

(whistling)

(woman) Ellie? Do you want me to get some help?

(woman) I'd like to buy a vowel. I'd like to buy an I.

(woman) You're the greatest!