Pineapple Express (2008) Soundboard Edit

All right, everybody just chill.

All right.

And I promise you you're gonna be taken care of.

And I'm gonna get him back.

Bullets.

Bury the hatch. Sell the land. And dispose of him.

But we should get bus tickets and leave, right?

Can you guys understand me?

Come on, don't say that. I just can't go. I have a job.

Come on, man. Don't do that.

Congratulations. Sad to happen sometime, right? Why not now?

Crazy with them names, ain't you, T?

Dad! Get off the phone. I told you I'm gonna call some hot bitches later...

Dale, I get your point. Thanks for your input. Next caller, please

Dale!

Did you at least see where it landed?

Did you hear slot machines?

Do you think she'll drive me to the hospital?

Don't come. I don't care.

Dude!

Dude. Look.

Freaking out. You're paranoid. Give him the phone.

Fuck the police!

Fuck you, man!

Fuck. I'm sorry. I thought she'd just go past.

Get down, baby!

He sees that, he'll never get the fuck out of here.

He was a little fucker. Could've gone to hell.

He's not that, but he was outside Ted's house...

Hello?

Hey, I can see through my leg hole.

Hey, this is Sam. Good morning.

Hey. Fine. I'll go find it. Fuck.

Honey, we're at the table. No one's going to leave the table.

How did I get on you?

I didn't want you to be my best friend.

I don't judge people based on things like that.

I don't know. Do you hear that?

I don't think I am either.

I heard that. I wish I didn't hear that, but I just heard that.

I know we've gone over this, but, like, 1000 pardons, 1000 pardons, please.

I love you dudes so much

I made a mistake.

I saw brains and blood!

I think it's a lot worse than it looks, though.

I thought it was decriminalized, to be honest with you.

I thought the hurricane season was over.

I tossed my roach.

I was thinking, maybe they can...

I'd love to have dinner with you and your parents tomorrow night.

I'll have everything there is to know about this Dale Denton guy.

I'm a teacher. You can't talk to me like that.

I'm about to check that bathroom, I know that much.

I'm about to go get some celebratory Slushees.

I'm cold.

I'm gonna be designing buildings and what's he doing?

I'm sorry, man.

I'm sorry. Things just got out of hand.

I've seen enough. Shut it down.

If we just keep thinking like this, we're fucking gravy.

Is that a condo? That us moving into an apartment together?

It means that you are gonna go to college next year.

Jesus!

Last week when we worked out, you forgot your shorts in my car.

Legends never die, dude. I'll tell your story.

Like, euthanasia?

Listen, I would appreciate it if both y'all would take your shoes off.

Little kids can take shits.

Look at all this weed, man.

Lookit there. Lookit there.

My bubbe... Man, my bubbe's gonna be so pissed.

Nice.

Nice. Okay.

No problem. It's gonna be awesome.

No, but if I'm 25 and the girl is 18 years old...

No, he's not.

No. Come on.

Not without me.

Oh, all right, man. Come on up.

Oh, my God.

Oh, nice.

One time, he got this girl...

Plugged him, just whacked him.

Red will tell us everything's fine, everything will go back to normal.

Red, it's your last chance, man.

Red?

Saul. Wake up, man, please.

Say, now.

Shit.

Shit. Dale.

Smell it on my sweater.

So get this:

So seriously, how gross does my ear look?

So smile.

So you guys are basically fucked.

Some people get a taste for it, but I don't.

Sorry.

Suck my balls! Two times!

Ted's the man.

Tell us everything, now!

Thanks for taking care of it.

That can't be right.

That is pretty rad, but, like, let's say Ted calls him and is like:

That's all we need to know.

That's cool. Does she like to smoke weed?

That's home entertainment.

That's inappropriate.

The phone, you idiot.

They kidnapped my grandson.

They smashed one, threw the other in the woods to try to distract us.

They think they're your friend, but they're not.

This is it, man. This is what your grandchildren are gonna be smoking.

This is my boyfriend, Dale.

This is the future.

Time to cook shit up tonight.

Use a fake name.

Walter Wadska the third.

Watch your head.

We gotta get more leverage y. Okay.

We've reached a final conclusion on Item 9.

Well, hey, wait a minute, man.

Well, I don't know, man. I think I'm functioning right now.

Well, kick out the window!

Well, that's your loss, because I'm a great friend.

What the fuck is this thing?

What was that?

What you getting on my case for? I have more than you.

What, you wanna bathe in it?

Whatever you're doing, I get it, okay?

When you think of your superiors, what emotions do you feel?

Who he's screwing, who's his mother, everything.

Why aren't we talking to people, letting them know Item 9 exists?

Why do you never act like you care about anything?

Why don't you supersize it, bitch?

Yeah, these two guys came in...

Yeah.

Yo, check this out.

You are a good salesman. You got it in you, man.

You are. You're about to get D'd by the Dale.

You did it, man.

You didn't say anything back.

You didn't think of that.

You didn't wanna meet my parents.

You don't see that you have stooped way, way below...

You got the dough? There you go.

You here to fix the fax machine?

You lost it playing Bid Whist? You pimp.

You need to help me, okay? Just use it, you know? Use the pain.

You'll come back as Jude Law.

You'll have a second wind.

You're a jerk.

You're in the jungle now, baby.

All right. I'm in. Let's do it.

Appreciate it. Nice. Good to meet you, Mark.

Chris. Chris.

Days Inn. Yes.

Did they follow you here? I don't know. Look. Look. Okay.

Don't. Yeah.

Fine. “Fine”?

Forty? Yeah.

Hello? Hey, Saul. Mind if I come by?

Here you go. Thanks.

Hey, “Electric Avenue.” I know, right?

How do you drive with one foot? I don't know!

How I look like an asshole. You are one.

I do, believe it or not. It means, like, “to seem like.”

I just feel different about everything. Me too, man. Everything.

I see your intentions. I see your intestines and intentions.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Get...

It is bad. That's a bullet burp

It's a hell of a job. That's cool, man.

Maybe we should... We'll save it

No, man. Yes.

Of course, man. That's what I do. That's what you do. Fucking A.

Really? How many girls have you slept with?

She's very mature for her age. Yeah.

Shit. So you have a son.

Stop! Cheater!

Teamwork. Yes.

Thank... God.

That... You killed him. Okay, so I did murder somebody.

They're gone. Well, find out what he knows.

What'd I have for dinner last night? Cake.

Yeah. Help!

Yeah. How's it going, Sporty Spice?

You catch it? See what?

You feel that? We can be best friends. I'm looking through you, man.

You stay. We're leaving.

You'd get along with her. Really?

...and it is a tradition that on his birthday...

...and this is the time. I got you your own line...

...but he was short as shit.

...but one minute from right now, I'm gonna eat some food.

...by lawyers to hand out legal documents.

...can't marry a woman or love a woman.

...four times under court order, and you've been served.

...so I can serve them the papers.

...someone finally made you a loan?

...you've been smoking Item 9 for seven minutes and 13 seconds.

“Bong Mitzvah.” Hit it up.