Early Man Edit

A caveman?

A great player!

A massage, his own champion football team.

A match between the Bronze and the brutes?

A rabbit!

A Real Bronzio penalty

A small chance,

A way out.

About the mammoth thing...

Actually, more stupid than brave, really.

After all, you'll soon be digging lots of bronze out of it.

After you.

Ah, yes.

Ahh, ohh, eee...

All right, secure the valley.

All right, then. Don't worry about us.

All right!

All right?

All stand for our mighty leader, Lord Nooth!

All yours, Goona!

ALL: Ahh!

ALL: Huh?

ALL: Morning, Chief.

ALL: Ooh.

ALL: Uh...

ALL: Um...

Although the thing about rabbits, Chief,

Always have been.

Always will be.

An hardworking governor like me,

And all the creatures we share it with.

And all we've got is

And broke into the stadium just to find some balls?

And gives us shelter from the Badlands.

And have a little nose.

And how's it going to get our valley back?

And if we work together, then maybe we can do this.

And kill him slowly. Idiots!

And now this.

And now, I believe it's time you went home,

And our valley

And she's going to help us win the game.

And stupid.

And that's how you can beat them.

And the captain, Jurgend!

And the crowd goes wild!

And the leader of the Bronze people,

And the other side tries to kick the ball in that goal.

And then we go back to the valley!

And this game is going to make me loads of it.

And volunteer myself for the mines.

And we haven't even got a full team.

And we're better off here in the Badlands

And you have to stop me, okay?

And?

ANNOUNCER: Introducing Real Bronzio

Apologies for the inconvenience.

Apprehend that rodent!

Are hogs supposed to play football?

Argh! No, I mean take him away at normal speed

As for Lord Nooth...

ASBO: Can I sleep in me football kit?

At the end of the day,

Attack!

Aw, Mum!

Aye, Nooth is on the back foot now, Brian.

Bad move, caveman.

Beating him with sausages!

Because she's a...

Because the mine is waiting

Because you're great footballers,

Best goal scorer in the known world.

Bit early, isn't it, Dug?

Bobnar, you've got to believe me!

Brainless goons!

BRIAN: A draw is just not good enough for the primitive part timers, Bryan.

BRIAN: And it looks like it's all over

BRIAN: And normal service is restored!

BRIAN: And surely, that's settled it.

BRIAN: Goodness me, it looks like a caveman counterattack.

BRIAN: He's got a trotter to it!

BRIAN: It is now!

BRIAN: Jurgend should get a prize for acting.

BRIAN: Let's see the replay, Bryan.

BRIAN: Oh ho! The Stone Age team is really coming together, Bryan.

BRIAN: Oh ho! Unorthodox, Bryan,

BRIAN: Oh, look at this!

BRIAN: Oh, that's way below the belt.

BRIAN: Real Bronzio are in

BRIAN: She's going all the way.

BRIAN: That is an amazing goal!

BRIAN: That's right, Bryan.

BRIAN: Well, it's halftime, Bryan, and Real Bronzio

BRIAN: You can't argue with the puppets, Bryan.

Brilliant! How do we do that?

Bring out the Stone Age challengers!

Bronze Chiefness.

Bronze is not all we found down here.

Bronze!

BRYAN: A great effort,

BRYAN: And you have to say, Brian,

BRYAN: Aye, and the goalie looks in a bad way too.

BRYAN: Aye, but will he get away?

BRYAN: Aye, the puppets don't lie, Brian.

BRYAN: It's still in play, Brian.

BRYAN: Look at that.

BRYAN: Oh, caveman down, Brian!

BRYAN: This may be an uneven contest, Brian,

BRYAN: Very interesting!

BRYAN: Well, Brian,

BRYAN: Well, Real Bronzio,

BRYAN: You're not wrong, Brian. It's like early man

Bryan! The Stone Age team

But a chance.

But at least we're still together.

But I'm willing to offer you a deal.

But I've got a deal to make.

But let's hope it's at least entertaining.

But our ancestors played football.

But that's all they are.

But that's just it.

But we have something they don't.

But we're pretty good.

But what they're not is a team.

But whatever happens, keep your formation.

But you had one problem.

But, Chief, we're early man.

But, in the end, it wasn't quite enough.

Can we have our ball back, please?

CART DRIVER: What are you doing? Get out of the way!

Caveman coming through!

Centuries before we were.

Champion!

Champions!

CHIEF BOBNAR: "Football"?

CHIEF BOBNAR: Come on. Just run.

CHIEF BOBNAR: Dug!

CHIEF BOBNAR: Dug. Dug!

CHIEF BOBNAR: It's over.

CHIEF BOBNAR: Right, line up, everybody! In line!

CHIEF BOBNAR: That can't be right.

CHIEF BOBNAR: Time to turn in. Big day tomorrow.

CHIEF BOBNAR: Us lot?

CHIEF BOBNAR: What's going on?

CHIEF BOBNAR: Where's Dug?

Chief,

Chief, we can't play this game.

Chief!

Chief!

Chief! (SOBBING)

Chief?

Chief?

Chief? Chief?

Chief.

Come on, Chief.

Come on, come on!

Come on, Dug.

Come on, everyone!

Come on, everyone.

Come on, Hognob.

Come on, Hognob.

Come on, that was never a penalty!

Come on, then. Let's see your tackle.

CROWD: (CHANTING) Jurgend! Jurgend!

CROWD: Oi! Oi! Oi!

Delivering message!

Delivering message!

Delivering message!

Dino is having a lie down.

DINO: (MUFFLED) They went that way!

Do you really believe

Don't crowd me!

Don't know.

Don't you miss the valley, Chief?

Down in the new mine in the valley.

Dug, Dug. Look at us...

Dug, it's time to give up this football lark

Dug, look at our ancestors.

DUG: (MUFFLED) What are you doing?

DUG: And she's gonna help us win the game.

DUG: Are you awake, Chief?

DUG: Barry, where are you going? No, don't wander off!

DUG: Come on, everyone.

DUG: Great work, Magma!

DUG: Grubup, drop it! I told you,

DUG: Hognob.

DUG: I'm sorry, Chief!

DUG: Nearly there, Hognob.

DUG: No, Barry, not moss.

DUG: To you, Eemak.

DUG: You've picked the wrong tribe to mess with.

Dug! Over here!

Dug.

EEMAK: Whoa.

Eh?

Eh? Well, I'll be... (GROANS)

End of message.

ENGINEER 2: We've made a copy for your inspection.

Everyone working together!

Everyone, go home! There is no game.

Everyone! Give me a hand!

Exactly. Uh... Right.

Excellent.

Excuse me!

Face it, caveman.

Food. (CHUCKLING) Yum!

Football sounds hard.

Football's hard.

For the valley, you say?

For the valley?

For their sake.

For this plucky band of knuckle grazers, Bryan.

For you and your primitive friends.

Forgive me, Hognob.

Foul? No one's even playing, you silly slap head!

Fowl! Fowl!

Free kick!

Game after game.

Get in the goal!

Get your act together!

Get your cuddly caveman here! Before they go extinct!

Glad to be on board.

Go for it, Asbo.

Goal!

GONAD: Hey, Hügelgraber, can't you see in that thing?

GONAD: Let's go!

Gonna start without us, Dug?

Good effort. Great. Okay, next.

Good game.

Good, Magma. All right, okay, good. Right. Um...

Good. Because I'm throwing it at you.

GOONA: And the exciting new signing

GOONA: Do you man mark or play zonally?

GOONA: Fullback, Gonad the Gaul.

GOONA: Midfield dynamo Qwik Wun Tu.

GOONA: Nice one, Asbo! That's it!

GOONA: Right. We've got a lot of hard work to do.

GOONA: Their winger, Lightning Hammer.

Goona's right.

Gormless halfwits!

Got it.

Got you!

Grab a spear.

GRAVELLE: Dug, my toe hurts!

Grubup no like football.

Grubup, don't eat that. That's Eemak.

GUARD: Hmm? Stop her!

Guards! Get that bird back!

Ha hey!

Ha! Let's get this done.

Ha. There. Good job.

Have caught their opponents napping.

Have the cavemen caved?

Have to say that's rather rash. (CHUCKLES)

Have you got change for a dinner plate?

Have you seen Dug?

He can kick faster than you can think.

He said we'll spend the rest of our miserable lives

He says if we play this game and beat them at it...

Heads down, everyone.

Hello!

Hey, Chief.

Hey, hey, not bad for 32, eh?

Hey, Hügelgraber!

Hey! Hey!

Hey! She hasn't voluntarily contributed.

Hi, Hognob.

Hmm?

Hmm?

Hmm.

Hmm.

Hmm.

Hmm...

Hmm...

Hmm...

Hmph.

Hognob, meet Goona. Goona, Hognob.

HOGNOB: Hmm?

HOGNOB: Hmm?

HOGNOB: Huh?

Hognob!

Hognob!

Hognob?

Hognob.

Hognob. You stay.

How about some relaxing music instead?

How dare she talk to me like that!

How dare you set foot on our hallowed ground?

How dare you...

How very disappointing.

HÜGELGRABER: He's not me!

Hügelgraber! Just get in the game!

Hügelgraber! What are you doing?

Huh?

Huh?

Huh?

Huh?

Huh?

Huh?

Huh?

Huh?

Huh?

Huh?

Huh?

Huh?

Huh?

Huh?

Huh?

Huh? (SCREAMS)

Huh. Hmm.

Hurts so bad!

I am the new ref.

I can draw better than that.

I can reach it.

I can't remember any side

I didn't mean for this to happen.

I do a lot of practice. (GRUNTS)

I don't know what the Queen is worrying about.

I don't know.

I don't mean to worry you, but what are we going to do for a goalie?

I don't think this is rabbits.

I don't want to attract attention.

I envy you.

I forfeit the game

I got him!

I got this, Gravelle.

I held you back.

I just wanted you to see our new mine.

I love you. I love you too. And you too.

I mean, there's the odd giant duck around,

I need balls.

I need to shut them down.

I never thought I'd say this, Dug,

I put it down to pre match nerves.

I really believe we could do it, Chief.

I spent my whole life hunting rabbits.

I still believe we can do this.

I suppose they couldn't draw rabbits back then.

I think this is yours.

I thought we were just rabbit hunters.

I thought we're done with football.

I wanna play football! I wanna play now!

I want you all to meet someone.

I wouldn't want to be facing me out there.

I'm feeling stressed.

I'm Goona, by the way.

I'm nearly 32.

I'm not playing. I'm an old man.

I'm so... (GROANING)

I'm sorry.

I've brought my royal commentators with me.

I've got it.

I've got to save the tribe.

I've just been massaged by a pig!

I've never missed a penalty.

Idiot! Do I have to do everything around here?

If our ancestors did it, so can we.

If we win, we keep our valley.

In fact, after many, many moons,

In fact, enough massage.

In front of thousands of fans!

In front of thousands of fans.

In the dying moments of the match.

Is making off with the profits!

Is this as good as you imagined?

Is yours.

It looks like the Stone Age team have just flown in.

It seems their ancestors were playing football

It turns out your tribe were totally crap at football.

It was all too painful for you.

It's all going to plan, Dino.

It's better!

It's injury time. Understand?

It's just too risky.

It's perfect!

It's the Queen.

It's this lot that counts.

It's time for my massage.

It's very important that you pass and move.

It's what Mr. Rock would've wanted.

Ja.

JURGEND: (LAUGHS) I tell you,

Just a little bit more, Hognob.

Just by chasing a ball around?

Just give us a chance. Please!

Just like your ancestors.

Just use fist?

Let me go!

Let the sacred game commence!

Let's ask the new ref.

Let's do it!

Let's go get some balls.

Let's play football!

Let's show them what we've got!

Let's use an element of surprise.

Listen, you Stone Age brute.

Lobs it neatly over the big fullback.

Long live the Age of Bronze!

Look, I'll tell you what, I'll definitely bear it in mind.

LORD NOOTH: (MOCKINGLY) Oh, I am so scared! You are waving your stones about!

LORD NOOTH: Ah, I need this, Stefano.

LORD NOOTH: And I hardly think the cavemen will be doing that.

LORD NOOTH: Calm down, caveman.

LORD NOOTH: I'm late for my massage.

LORD NOOTH: In the name of Queen Oofeefa,

LORD NOOTH: Is that you, Stefano?

LORD NOOTH: Oh, terrible foul!

LORD NOOTH: Okay, let's get moving.

LORD NOOTH: So long, suckers!

LORD NOOTH: Stop messing about and get in here

LORD NOOTH: Trust me, Dino. This football match between

LORD NOOTH: What's all that crashing around out there?

MAGMA: Sorry, Dug.

Make Grubup hungry.

Make no mistake.

Mammoths! Come on, Hognob. Let's go wake Bobnar.

MAN 1: It's gone up again.

Match after match,

May we live in peace, balance, and harmony with our forest

Maybe we'll give this "football" idea a try, then.

Mess with their tiny cavemen minds.

MESSAGE BIRD: (SCOFFS) "Silly old bat!

Mmm.

Mmm.

Mmm.

More cave paintings?

Morning, Asbo. Change your underpants today?

Morning, everyone.

Mr. Rock coming hunting today?

Mr. Rock!

My ball!

My dear old hoggy friend.

My goodness!

My word. Is that a pig they just put in goal?

Nearly there. Just a bit farther.

Never mind. Come on, everyone!

Never strikes twice in the same place.

Nice job, everyone.

Nice moves, Mr. Rock.

Nice one, Eemak! That's it!

Nice try, though.

No matter how hard you tried,

No one gets past his tackle.

No promises, mind.

No, fowl!

No, I haven't!

No, it can't be true.

No, like a buffalo or a mammoth.

No, no, no, no, not weapons!

No, you're supposed to attack the ball.

No!

No!

No!

No! My lovely schnookels!

No! No fighting at all.

No.

No.

No.

No. There's still time.

Nooth? Nooth! Where is that...

Not against a pig anyway. (LAUGHING)

Not me.

Not now you've turned up. You're in the team.

Not really hungry.

Nothing to see there. Play on.

Now come on, everyone!

Now take him away and kill him.

Now you've just made us mad.

Now, where's your training facilities?

Now!

Nutmegs another,

Of course I'm not all right, you idiot!

Of course, Lord Nooth. (URGES MAMMOTH)

Of some sort.

Oggy! Oggy! Oggy!

Oh, and, caveman,

Oh, Chief, this is Goona,

Oh, come on, Chief! We can do it, Chief!

Oh, Dug.

Oh, goodie.

Oh, great.

Oh, Hognob!

Oh, I've just had a great idea!

Oh, isn't it?

Oh, let them rot in The Badlands.

Oh, my leg! My leg!

Oh, my leg! Oh, my leg!

Oh, my tendons are like ropes.

Oh, no.

Oh, oh! (CHUCKLES)

Oh, refund.

Oh, the ore! In the ground.

Oh, there's no way we can beat such a great team.

Oh, we're not going down any mine, mammoth mouth.

Oh, yeah, wouldn't miss it for the world.

Oh, yes, champions.

Oh, yes, it's totally fair.

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh! (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) Your Majesty!

Oh! (SOBBING)

Oh! (YELPS)

Oh! Hmm.

Oh! It's pointy!

Oh! Ow!

Oh! So it seems.

Oh! Well, this is interesting.

Oh. (GRUNTS)

Oh. Oh, ho ho.

Oh. Uh...

Oh...

Oh...

Oi, enough now!

Oi, oi, oi! That's mine.

Okay, Hognob. Hognob?

Okay, that is old.

Okay!

Okay. Pass and move.

Okay. Play on!

On that pitch, the sacred turf,

One hundred schnookels!

One hundred schnookels!

One hundred schnookels!

One last goal will take us home.

One side tries to kick the ball into this goal.

Only these ones tell the whole story.

Ooh, nice tight shorts!

Ooh!

Ooh!

Ooh! (YELPS)

Ooh.

Ooh. I love you, little bronze coin.

Oops. Sorry. (CHUCKLES)

Or what, Lord Nooth?

ORDERLY: Fifty schnookels! Fifty schnookels!

Ore, you fool! Start mining the ore.

Ouch.

Overpaid?

Ow!

Ow!

Ow! Ah! Ooh!

Ow! Ow!

Ow! Ow! I didn't know! Ow!

Ow! Ow! Ow!

Perhaps she's heard about the game.

Pick it up! Pick it up!

Picks the ball up in the center circle.

Pictures.

Play on!

Playing the sacred game? Bring him here.

Probably not, no. Sorry, Hognob.

PUPPETEER: Kissy kissy! Hug, hug, hug!

PUPPETEER: Oh, kick, ahh! Referee!

PUPPETEER: Oh, you fool. What were you playing at?

PUPPETEER: Oh! Ah, and that's a goal.

PUPPETEER: Ooh, ja, kick!

Put it down!

QUEEN OOFEEFA: And why not?

QUEEN OOFEEFA: So...

Real Bronzio have the very best.

Real Bronzio's manager is on the back foot.

Really?

Ref, is it fair?

Remember your training, Eemak!

Right, gather round.

Right, let's go kill something.

Right, well, that's settled, then.

Right, who wants to try?

Right. (CHUCKLES)

Run away!

Sacrilege, O Premier Leader!

Scarper!

Scoring two goals against Real Bronzio.

See what I did there? (CHUCKLES)

See, Dug?

Seems there is a game after all.

Shame on you. Definite penalty.

She beats one,

She doesn't know what goes on out here.

She gets to play on the sacred turf

She scores!

She shoots!

She shouldn't even be on the pitch.

She's going all the way.

Shh!

Shh!

Shh!

Shush, everyone.

Silly old bat!

Simple pleasures like fine food,

Sire, are you all right?

Sire, we've found something else

Sit!

Sliced bread. Wow!

Slowly.

Snack, snack, snack. (SCREAMING)

So cold and hard and slippery.

So I'm... I'm gonna try and get the ball,

So I've been thinking.

So what formation do you normally play?

Soon be home.

Sorry! Shimmering memories make me sneeze.

Start mining ore.

Stefano! Not so ham fisted!

Stop! Thieves!

Stuck out in this miserable wasteland?

Stuff your nibbles!

Subtitles by explosiveskull

Subtitles by explosiveskull

Surely we can do it.

Surely, you can't hit other players?

Symbol of a game sent from heaven.

Tell Chef to boil it up in a cassoulet.

Terrible. I mean, just awful.

Thank you, Dug.

Thank you, Your...

Thanks! (GRUNTS)

Thanks.

That schnookel grabbing scoundrel

That should remind him of the pecking order, eh?

That's comedy bronze. Well done, my friend.

That's it. That's it.

That's perfect.

That's the best thing since... Well, ever!

That's their weakness.

The Age of Stone is over, Dino.

The angry pan girl.

The answer isn't just going to walk in the door.

The arena's this way.

The cavemen are oafs. My players are...

The giant duck is on the pitch.

The hour has come.

The masses would flock to see such a vulgar spectacle. Pah!

The match is to be played at the full moon.

The metal that's in the ground.

The only place we're going is back to the valley.

The Queen must not find out about this, all right?

The rabbits are fighting back!

The Stone Age and the Bronze World,

The Stone Age striker beats one,

The valley's gone now.

Then other men hug and kiss you.

These are the best players bronze can buy.

They are terrible.

They are the low achievers of history

They eat mud! No.

They hunted little round beasts.

They invented the game.

They just don't know what's hit them, they really don't.

They live in caves.

They may be better players than us,

They may be great,

They spend their days thinking, sleeping, eating football.

They're 11 players

They're definitely looking good in the air!

They're just not capable of it.

They're like ginormous great big footballing giants!

They're pictures of our ancestors playing football.

They're Stone Age brutes.

Think it over, caveman,

This doesn't change anything, Dug.

This has gone far enough.

This is a bit dangerous.

This is Goona.

This is Jurgend, the captain.

This is the sacred turf. No one's allowed here.

This precious ground, which sustains us

Those cave paintings back in our valley,

Those Stone Age dolts couldn't beat their own grandmothers.

Thought I'd come to this caveman game myself.

Three, two, one.

Time to get up.

Time to go hunting.

To me! To me!

To the Badlands!

To your valley.

Today's match official, Referee Dino!

TOOLMAKER: Multi purpose pen swords!

Training time!

TREEBOR: Look! It's a giant man eating mallard!

Try a little bit harder.

Ugh! This is all I need.

Ugh. Not that stupid old bird again.

Ugh. Well, go on, make it...

Uh, what's that crazy fruit he's got?

Uh...

Uh...

Uh...

Um... Formation?

Um... Huh?

United. That's another joke there, Brian.

Unless you want to be suspended for the rest of the season.

Very handy for opening bottles, too!

VIKING CAPTAIN: We challenge the champions!

Voluntary contribution!

Voluntary contribution. Everyone has to pay!

Voluntary contribution. Everyone has to pay.

Wait a minute!

Wait, Chief. Chief...

Wait! What? Oh! What are you doing?

Wait. Sorry, no, Chief.

Wait... Wait!

Wake up, everyone.

We accept the challenge!

We can do it.

We challenge the champions!

We challenge the champions!

We challenge the champions! (GRUNTS)

We did. Once.

We give thanks for our valley, our home,

We give thanks for the beautiful game.

We hunt rabbits, everyone's happy.

We just kick the ball about and chase it.

We know they did.

We should be able to do this. No, don't... Don't sit down.

We'll just die a slow and lingering death in the Badlands.

We're going home.

We're just a rabbit hunting tribe.

We're still a tribe.

We've got each other.

We've never even played this game.

Well done, Mr. Rock!

Well done, my old hoggy friend!

Well played, caveman.

Well, come on, chop chop, I haven't got all day.

Well, don't do it, then.

Well, if you kick the ball in the goal,

Well, it's this amazing game, Chief.

Well, let's start the fun, shall we?

Well, maybe you will one day.

Well, not anymore.

Well, that's not fair!

Well, then,

Well, they are quite small.

Well, you know, bigger?

What about the primitives?

What an idea!

What are you doing here, caveman?

What are you doing, Hügelgraber?

What are you doing?

What are you... What the...

What did you say?

What does the Queen know anyway?

What happens if you kick the ball in the goal?

What if Chief was right all along?

What if I'm wrong?

What if we are just a tribe of rabbit hunters?

What on Earth are you playing at?