Abbott Elementary - Season 1 Edit

A a Southern Philly Type.

A "no" from Melissa

A A A A A A!

A All right, man, you I can't do this.

A All right. Okay. I got you.

A bet is a bet.

A break from what, 'Neen?

A capicola sammich

A chance to make more Science Oprahs?

A child by the name of August got lost in The Hershey Factory,

A conductor of mediocrity and conformity.

A G**** Nuts fan although, they can get a bit sugary

A great time in her class

A guy suggests a dump for a first date,

A ha! A ha!

A little arm twist never hurt.

A lot can go wrong, actually

A minor league baseball bunting coach,

A mom like Barbara.

A more relevant story?

A nice, cold, refreshing juice.

A Philly 11

A second grader.

A stakeout needs two people. Think, boy.

A tastefully nude model, sold RVs for summer.

A wizard with a glue gun

A.

Aah!

Aah! Don't shake the ladder!

Abbott Elementary deserves!

Abbott is a special place

Abbott Ultimate Desking Challenge.

Abbott's gonna be number one in this challenge.

Abe Lincoln. I'm Abe Lincoln, Mr. Hill

About going to the second grade.

About having a lot of jobs.

About her meet cute with my man, Barry Hussein

About how her kids are so smart

About how she was able to keep Courtney in line,

About how they have these smart kids they gave birth to.

About how this is done peacefully.

About how this is gonna affect you.

About inspiring the kids.

About Ms. Teagues?

About ourselves on these cards,

About pie charts and cake graphs,

About some much needed improvements to the school

About taking my potatoes from the lunchroom?

About the definition of insanity?

About the kids like that in front of them.

About the two of us hanging together after school or...

About the unions in the city

About what you're watching at home.

About what?

About your time in Africa?

Absolutely not. Let's go.

According to our new reading program,

According to the reviews

Across a hot tub on a paper plate

Actually, I did pay

Actually, in the one I just watched, they didn't.

Actually, it's been a minute.

Actually, Sheena, you should have this.

Actually, we were all just talking about

Actually, you know, it was my grandmother

After 10 years of impeccable applications,

After all of that panic and guilt,

After Arianna stepped down.

After I check on Janine.

After school crew!

Against nationalism

Ah, crap.

Ah, good question.

Ah, I wouldn't say

Ah, Janine, I'm sorry. I can't tonight.

Ah, Principal Coleman.

Ah, yes!

Ah, yes. Zach, boyfriend of two years that I knew nothing about.

Ah!

Ah!

Ah! I've seen worse moments

Ah! You know what?

Ah.

Ah. One step ahead of ya

Ah. See you in church on Sunday.

Ah. You're right. I'm doing it again.

Ain't that some (bleep)

All A's and B's!

All aboard the brain train! Choo choo!

All because I wasn't trying to solve the problem at all.

All I know is when somebody roasts you,

All I'm hearing is, "New, new, new, need, need, need."

All I'm saying is, we just got to go over Melissa's head

All me

All right

All right

All right

All right

All right, all right.

All right, all right. Calm down.

All right, baby, I gotta get goin'.

All right, children, get ready to see my favorite animal

All right, everybody, uh, settle down

All right, guys, so, there have been three presidents

All right, guys, we're gonna go into

All right, guys, you know what?

All right, here we go.

All right, I'll wrap this up.

All right, in.

All right, let 'em out.

All right, let's get to work.

All right, let's go.

All right, listen.

All right, my little eagles.

All right, now, has everybody used the bathroom?

All right, now. You have a good night.

All right, sit down! And every

All right, we are going to have to

All right, well, you wanna go get something to eat? With me?

All right, what do you want?

All right, what I'm providing you with today

All right, you hustled me.

All right!

All right! All right, guys!

All right? No cap'n

All right.

All right.

All right.

All right.

All right.

All right.

All right. Attendance time

All right. Gonna get you to class

All right. Let me start from the beginning.

All right. Let's get back to the music! Yeah!

All right. Let's regroup after the bird show, all right?

All right. Listen up, everybody

All right. So I'll go.

All right. So Nicole's not here

All right. So, "I once drank three cups of coffee,

All right. Well, that's a start.

All that at home stuff you gotta

All that education. You could be doing so much more.

All the same things all the time.

All these new people and this new tech.

All we have to do is look at the kids' feet,

All you ever have to be is the Malcolm of Science,

All you have to do is go, "Hi. I'm a teacher,

ALL: 13!

ALL: Fulfill your wishlist!

Along came Jacob, doing double dutch.

Also called, uh, blazing, frying

Also, $100, known as a C note.

Also, I brought your shorts.

Also, it's not too late to make a video.

Am I interrupting?

Amaya, you are in Jupiter's group

And And the great part is it would help the kids,

And (clicks tongue) tarnish my reputation forever

And a guy named Snake for chicken eggs

And a ladder straight to the top.

And a temporary teacher

And after learning a lot in my first year,

And all you have to do is take care of the lobs.

And animals that can sing, and it just

And arm and leg and

And as a product of the Philadelphia school system,

And as much as Ava wants to be cool,

And as much as I felt that,

And as the female reaches maturity,

And ask ourselves..

And Ava is just the latest

And basically stayed up all night preparing it.

And bought the first five or six posters you saw.

And bring it back in the morning.

And broke his crown, and Jill came tumbling after

And buy Janine the rug.

And can't afford a nice car or a mortgage

And capable of doing this job.

And class after class, they graduate,

And clearly didn't know how to handle her class.

And constant threat of global catastrophe.

And creative teachers in this entire city.

And definitely not bad.

And diversions are an important part of learning.

And do like an eyewitness account for the kids?

And dresses like Mr. Rogers.

And embarrassing.

And every season, a new beast is created.

And every Sunday after that.

And everybody else will just have to back off.

And everyone's in the hallway going crazy.

And finding out that that's not happening anytime soon

And FYI, we close at 8:00 sharp.

And get a new shakedown sweater.

And giving these kids a charcuterie experience.

And go straight to work instead of going home or whatever

And good morning to you, Raheem

And grow the minds of tomorrow.

And had enough money to replace the books.

And have a great rest of your day.

And have sex with each other.

And he ain't talking about a horse!

And he has been waking up at 11:50

And he punishes those who have been helping themselves

And he said there isn't anything he can do.

And he was in the gifted program and everything

And he was there protesting the inhumane work conditions

And he's been a music artist since we were in high school.

And help him get it out.

And here you are teaching... on the moon

And his undefeated decimal system.

And hotter than the devil's booty hole outside?

And how it actually isn't cool beans,

And how long have you two been dating?

And how many of them started in South Philly.

And how she can't handle the situation at all

And I am not counting. Sit down!

And I am sorry for insulting your food.

And I arrogantly assumed or hoped, rather

And I don't even get how she knows that reference.

And I don't like this shift

And I had to spend all of it.

And I have applied for that Advancement Grant

And I haven't been able to connect with her mom,

And I hope I always will be."

And I knew your class needed stuff

And I know I ask you for help all the time,

And I know she comes from that generation

And I love my husband.

And I loved step so much growing up.

And I need pens and paper and..."

And I never got a chance to thank you

And I overdrafted on a doughnut hole this morning.

And I really think it's gonna help.

And I said that's a few too many questions.

And I think I know someone.

And I think the job is working with what you've got

And I think they'll listen to us,

And I think we're gonna make a great team.

And I thought it'd be a good idea to stick around

And I told my neighbor, I said,

And I took it out on you

And I tried to flush the toilet,

And I want you to shut up, but in this case, very relevant.

And I was stuck in the E.R.

And I went through a program specifically meant

And I will always be there for you.

And I will be having a third talk with your mom

And I will not affect the outcome.

And I won't leave anyone behind,

And I would ask what I would bring,

And I'll be with you in a second.

And I'll do whatever it takes to figure this out.

And I'll hold you tight ♪

And I'll tell you when.

And I'm getting flowers, apparently.

And I'm going to fix this.

And I'm gonna be fine.

And I'm happy you're staying at Abbott.

And I'm sorry everyone missed lunch,

And I'm sure that's a good thing.

And I'm sure you already totally get it.

And if Barbara's right, then what does that say about me?

And if it's getting too much sunlight,

And if you don't stop every once in a while

And if you get snakes for long enough,

And if you see bananas, those are usually fingers.

And if you see someone, like, start to meander off

And in a totally different school tomorrow.

And it didn't work out this time

And it didn't work.

And it got a lot of attention, clearly,

And it helps with the search for food.

And it seems like ol' Barbara is in the same place.

And it shows that they're using critical thinking.

And it wasn't a set up for a punchline. (chuckles)

And it'll be in the same place.

And it's changing the way you do things,

And it's not just about restocking half full Funyuns

And it's not like y'all been making it rain up in here.

And it's pointing to the number...

And it's really nice to have another friend at the school.

And its history it doesn't need it.

And Jacob is, you know... Jacob.

And just take it all down anyway?

And just work through some of those feelings together.

And know where they keep the ladder.

And lame and crippled, sent by..

And left my phone in Janine's room

And let's go to "boul

And look

And look at that

And look where it landed us, baby girl.

And maybe that person isn't even thinking

And mischief

And more than that, there's passion.

And my boiled chicken sandwich alone!

And my favorite character is Woody."

And my neighbor finally found her cat,

And my subscription to Horse Fancy.

And nacho chips because they're my chips

And no money from the city,

And no one asked any questions when that worked?

And no one deserves snakes

And not real money?

And now I think I'm mad.

And now it's messing with the kids.

And now she's much higher.

And now you can.

And now you're getting your big break.

And once she gets that, she's gonna thrive.

And one for fruits

And our students are gonna get a huge boost

And our students are gonna get a huge boost

And pretend that desking isn't cool.

And put an end to all this.

And putting up with my near constant hijinks.

And record a whole album of, like, anti meth songs

And remember, you don't wanna show too much improvement

And see all you guys again.

And see the look on your face when we

And seeing the pricing, and, whoa, buddy, can't swing that.

And sent us the money right away.

And she never lets you forget it.

And she won't have time to distract her classmates

And she'd just keep playing my Game Boy, so...

And she's been struggling,

And show you that, like our students,

And since Ava lost her dirt on Superintendent Collins

And since Open House is usually so long and sparsely attended,

And since Will reads at a 4th grade level,

And sleeping at your sister's after a fight.

And so it would be totally understandable

And so, as your best friend here at Abbott,

And somebody cosigns it.

And sometimes, the best things you can ever do are...

And started tap dancing in front of my students"?

And structure and weighted blankets."

And Tariq is there sometimes when he needs to use the car,

And Tariq said, "Sure."

And Taylor lives in New York City!

And tell them to dance,

And thank you for trying.

And that brings me to my last chart...

And that concludes the Total Waste of Time Tour.

And that is good, because I cannot help you.

And that is how birds are related to dinosaurs.

And that is how union and non union workers

And that is one of the many ways that My Octopus Teacher

And that is why I'm here

And that shouldn't be a bad thing.

And that smell in the walls?

And that they liked me,

And that we're gonna get him to the second grade,

And that will be enough.

And that your kids deserve

And that'll determine whether it becomes a "TAI,"

And that's going well?

And that's gonna mean a lot of supplies.

And that's how they get paid,

And that's something I live by.

And that's the end of the discussion

And that's why Abbott will always stay in my heart.

And that's why I don't think

And that's why I, or more importantly, we...

And that's why you don't feed a bird any meat, kids,

And the and the whole reason that I'm here.

And the amount of prison beds they're supposed to build?

And the bell signals the end of the day.

And the better the results, the more funding we get,

And the hilarious thing about all this

And the kids absolutely love her.

And the kids would be devastated if we had to start over.

And the laces all tied up into a little bow?

And the most amazing teacher in this whole place

And the only time you reach out

And the only woman I ever been with...

And the pigs, they were mad 'cause we were throwing rocks

And the punk firefighters,

And the rug was Plan B?!

And the water shot back up in the air.

And the whole principal situation,

And their kitchen is across the street.

And then everything runs a little late.

And then I pulled out a dollar,

And then I'll do my thing in post.

And then I'll just keep doing what I have been doing,

And then I'll kick it to you for testing numbers.

And then it's a fire hazard, and then they shut it down.

And then right when my tomato stand takes off,

And then send him back to you, all right?

And then she can just read it?

And then the middle and..

And then they cheat on you with their thumb

And then we leave. There's nothing wrong with that.

And then what? We prepare them?

And then, with the art teacher,

And there's a little bit too much pee on it.

And there's nothing wrong with my stapler.

And they all have pensions now.

And they are distracted by this song.

And they better be real, 'cause I can tell

And they come out of the womb selling NFTs.

And they don't know the words and I'm very straight.

And they help you grow.

And they told me they don't do a foot facial

And they took all the talking kids, so now I have to talk

And this is my one chance to talk to her

And this kid Okay. She's asleep

And this tasty breakfast

And three quarters, yes

And to the Courtney for which it stands,

And told him everything that Ava has done today.

And uncover the metaphors hidden in the story

And using field trip money to put 26 inch rims

And we all know Barbara's

And we can just get more books. It's not hard.

And we had this amazing talk, and we're gonna work together,

And we just did a deal where if

And we need to do something about it. Okay?

And we need to get off this balloon.

And we should look out for our own

And we try to figure out who each secret belongs to.

And we were already late on rent once.

And we're in the clear.

And what do all those words have in common?

And what do you do on your cheat day?

And what school is that?

And what would you rather I do, Melissa?

And when it does, you don't wanna be the one

And when the bell rings, all that's left of you

And when they hatch, what do we get?

And where is everybody going?

And who cares if that's with Ava?

And who's doing it?

And why can't any of you stick it out

And why would we do that,

And woke up like, "Why do I look different?"

And yet, the day moves on.

And you ain't exactly known for keeping your composure.

And you are not ready

And you can handle the showmanship.

And you can't class up a rug

And you can't tell if it's playing

And you didn't want to listen

And you don't know what that feels like

And you don't know who you're messing with

And you get the idea.

And you guys can get pencils and hire aides

And you helped me realize that, so thank you.

And you know how much I love Philly.

And you know what? She's kind of like my mom.

And you parked in my understood spot

And you should look over your shoulder

And you signed off on it.

And you started, you know, seeing Nina or whatever?

And you still provide for hundreds of kids a day.

And you take away two of them,

And you will, of course, give it to me.

And you're a real person.

And you're gonna have a pretty cool teacher

And you're like that guy he stepped over once

And you're like, "That's good."

And Young Idris.

And, besides, aides cost money, and we don't have that.

And, by extension, us.

And, by the way, I lied.

And, Courtney, I will affirm you.

And, I don't know, there are a lot of schools there

And, like, excited to learn?

And, like, if you don't like it, just ask him to stop.

And, look, I don't want to force any decisions

And, most importantly,

And, Taylor, I don't know how long you're gonna be here,

And, uh, oh, you know Melissa, of course.

And, uh, some of them are pretty smart potatoes

And, um, he's a real extemporaneous thinker.

And, um, I just listened because I couldn't get in

And, um...

And, well, Robin Williams in Patch Adams

And, yet, Barb,

And, you know, Jacob will still teach.

And...

And... I don't know. Maybe he's right.

And... I just don't know

And... I love teaching.

And...change is good.

Andrew, apologize.

Another Ava super fan.

Another day in principal life.

Another fun day of step! (laughs)

Another one!

Any questions?

Anyone?

Anything for you, Mr. C!

Anyway, do you have a second

Anyway, hey, did you get my e mail

Anyway, Malcolm has a bright future.

Anyway, my friend Crystal is always bragging

Anyway, the problem is,

Anyways, here it is, all ready to serve.

Anyways, the point is these were built for comfort and speed.

Anyways, toilet paper's in the closet.

Apparently, it's illegal. (scoffs)

Apple juice? Really?

Are any turkeys pregnant?

Are invited to attend.

Are some of the most dedicated, hardworking,

Are there even any bunnies of color in it?

Are there even any vegetables in these meals?

Are these new?!

Are those jelly beans on your belt?

Are those the black and grey asymmetric midsoles?

Are we focusing on the task at hand?

Are we gonna have to spend time

Are we having a moment right now?

Are we sure Peter Rabbit is the way to go?

Are we talking, like, monarch butterfly?

Are you afraid, Ms. Teagues?

Are you at least having a good day at the zoo, Barb?

Are you excited for your inspiring lesson from Mr

Are you excited to show the school your skills?

Are you frickin' kidding me?

Are you going to flip it or ship it?

Are you gonna do anything about them?

Are you guys ready for the step show?

Are you having issues with Courtney?

Are you kidding me?

Are you ready to see your man?

Are you sure you wanna do this?

Are you sure you're not just trying

Are you the talent handler?

Aren't you going to lunch, Janine?

Aren't you like 25?

Aren't you my son's teacher?

Artistically so they can grow up and do that graffiti

As a heart attack.

As friends.

As if I would read a word of Huffington Post

As it is up to me.

As long as Ava's at Abbott and I'm the superintendent,

As more than just teachers but, like, friends.

As my only goal for awhile,

As that five year old bra you've got on right there

As the saying goes,

As this story about a rabbit who steals carrots

As to not single any one person out.

Ask you about a conversation I have to have later

Ask your mama, 'cause I don't take requests.

Asking a lot of questions, right?

At Abbott for F.A.D.E., Friends Against Drug Exposure.

At least you guys are on the same floor as the gym.

At one of those pivotal moments, and, uh...

At the after after party.

At the front desk with the earring in his cheek.

At the school board meeting.

At the speed of light.

At this school shouldn't be a bad thing.

At Uncle Bradley's Baked Beans.

Ava here yet?

Ava literally said she'll get us whatever we need.

Ava made..

AVA OVER P.A.: Principal A A Ava, son!

Ava will be Ava.

Ava, can someone from the city

Ava, I'm gonna need to see that file.

Ava, it is just a partial power outage.

Ava, no one's doing this to anyone.

Ava, no. Delete. Stop

Ava, that is my student. She should be at lunch.

Ava, this is not handled.

Ava, this is the grossest, most emotionally manipulative,

Ava, we need more discretionary funds

Ava, where are you going?

Ava, you know what?

AVA: 5 years old, reading at a 4th grade level?

AVA: Aw, man. Why am I not getting these videos?

AVA: Because you know what?

AVA: I'm coming for you!

AVA: Janine, come to my office

AVA: Janine, there can't be any mishaps.

AVA: Make way! Free loot coming through!

AVA: Morning, Abbott Elementarians!

AVA: No, not Khalil.

AVA: Now, she can act

AVA: Oh, there you are, Jacob.

AVA: Our test scores have been good.

AVA: Rush job. Can you believe this quality?

AVA: Sheena, remember what we talked about?

AVA: Tariq's been doing great.

AVA: That's a knot

AVA: Why you being all weird?

AVA: You don't need to thank me

Ava?

Aw, man, it's just Janine and Jacob.

Aw, man, Janine! What's her handle?

Aw, sweetheart, you don't have to thank me for that.

Aw.

Awesome! Can't wait!

Awkward interactions come with it,

Aww, you're so cute together

Aww!

Aww! Look at that

Babe, babe, task at hand.

Baby Sidney!

Baby, all through the night ♪

Baby, his name is Jacob. Jacob.

Baby?

Back up!

Bad Bitches Only

Bags all up under his eyes

Baked chips, classic chips, cupcakes, sour candy, granola,

Barbara is my mentor.

Barbara says she's doing well, but this program is really hard.

Barbara was right.

Barbara, can I borrow some gold stars?

Barbara, have some faith.

Barbara, have you ever been roasted by your students?

Barbara, look, I know you told me to let it go, but I couldn't

Barbara, thank you

Barbara, thank you for all your kindness

Barbara, this is great!

Barbara, you know what? Since so many of us need help,

Barbara, you're great, and most importantly,

BARBARA: (clears throat)

BARBARA: (laughs) JIM: Wouldn't want to see that

BARBARA: (sighs)

BARBARA: Go ahead.

BARBARA: Good afternoon, Abbott

BARBARA: Hey, Melissa.

BARBARA: Hmm!

BARBARA: Oh, no.

BARBARA: Oh. (chuckles)

BARBARA: Okay, so here's what I'm going to do.

BARBARA: Ooh. What's going on here?

BARBARA: The whole time, one guy?

Barbara?

Barbara?

Barbara. Who would have thought?

Barbara...

Barbara's gonna get everything she needs

Barbara's sitting on that fence

Based on what you've shown us so far,

Be like Ms. Howard, people

Because a "friend" friend would know.

Because as it says here,

Because at the end of the day,

Because Ava will find a way to bring them down.

Because Courtney decided to use permanent marker

Because I believed in you.

Because I can do that.

Because I don't have any lunch plans.

Because I feel like I should get that checked out.

Because I finally get what Barbara has been saying.

Because I know you didn't have lunch.

Because I think you're gifted.

Because I'd already caught on to all her little tricks.

Because I'm gonna make a video

Because if it isn't playing, you're gonna get bit?

Because if she wins, then Barbara's right.

Because it means I get to help her with something

Because it was a bit over the top

Because it worked for me,

Because it's a good question,

Because it's not as carefree as Friday and Saturday.

Because it's the opposite.

Because life is a joke, people.

Because music class will be going bye bye bye

Because nobody believed in her.

Because of me, when people say that their favorite director

Because policing in this country is so broken,

Because she promised she'll be here tonight,

Because she said they share the same soul.

Because that's when I get to come back here

Because the teachers that work there

Because the whole world revolves around you.

Because then they think we won't need the money.

Because then they think we're not capable of improvement.

Because then they'll revert back into a T. Rex.

Because they are covering underfunded, poorly managed

Because they do not have stuff

Because they don't look at us as teachers and students.

Because this is a decision for our principal.

Because we didn't have signed permission slips.

Because when you do, it just seems sad, desperate,

Because you are telling yourself you are not ready

Because you ate too many hard shell tacos?

Because you don't know who you're messing with

Because you got all the perks.

Because you really should not be in here

Because you were making the hits, but...

Because you're gonna break out in hives.

Because, Ava, that's my wife come to pick me up.

Because, Ava..

Because, ultimately, she just wants me to be someone like you.

Because, you know, if I have to go into that garden

Before I was in your class, everyone would have been like,

Before they move on to first grade

Before trying to flush.

Before we begin, I would like to detail all the ways

Before you take her into your class

Before you talk to Melissa

Begging for pencils.

Being a real person is more important than being cool.

Being able to spot ops runs in the family.

Being obsessed with another teacher, but I get it.

Being pretty darn good at our jobs.

Believe me, I tried.

Bermuda shorts, because your favorite

Besides, do you know how expensive those staplers are?

Best in the city. They bake it in an oven

Best pizza in Philly is from Federico's.

Better pickings than a Sunday brunch up in there.

Better the sand than the mud.

Between lower reading levels

Beyoncé would be proud.

Big feet are a sign of fertility.

Bigger than me. Bigger than you.

Bill organizer thing on the fridge.

Bird feeder?

Blackmailed the superintendent!

Blessed by Pope John Paul II.

Blesses a good oven, though.

Boo!

Boom.

Borrowing the teachers' granola, y'all.

BOTH: He just read!

BOTH: Kenny!

Boul

Bounce, bounce, yeah.

Bounce, bounce!

Boy talks, period talks.

Boy, please believe me ♪

BOY: Because our real heroes are our teachers.

Brianna and Stefon.

Bringing me a tray of pickles.

Bruh!

Budget cuts. And it gets worse every year

But But it's worked in other schools

But a dream can be a distraction

But admitting that I couldn't figure this program out,

But also maybe focus on the performance today.

But also we'd get to be gardening,

But at least we stopped desking.

But at the end of the day,

But Ava is a great leader.

But basketball didn't exist lookin' boy

But caring really pays off.

But come on. Come on.