Seinfeld Quotes and Random Funny Quotes Edit

A Festivus for the rest of us.

Ah, that's a lot of ribs. What is that, like a slab or something?

Ah, well, you know, you got there and you give 110% and you want to play it good. And you know, you hope you play it good. I think we played pretty good tonight.

Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Hey. Ooh ooh. Oh, hey. Hey.

All right, quit hounding me. I'll get your stupid pig. Unbelievable. I've got to go get a pig for Bob Coyote. They're animals. They chew up the furniture.

And Jamaica. Watch out for #12 turn. Scary, yeah?

And she said one more word to me, Vic, I swear to God, one more word for the rest of the day. But to take a drywall hammer I'm going to beat you to death with. You got it. Makes total sense to me.

And then right there, you could put a stained glass window. Get lost, weirdo. Just a thought. Stain my window. I just clean them.

Believe it or not, George isn't at home. Please leave a message at the beep. When I pick up the phone. But I. Banana I'm not home.

But I get upset. I've yelled. You've heard me yell. Not really. Your voice kind of raises to this comedic pitch. OK. Kramer, I am so sick of you coming in here and eating all my food. Now shut that...

Can you guys just show a little respect? Jeez, this class is fucking boring. I'm out of here.

Chris Darrell. You think? What am I supposed to do? Get in the car and run them over?

Coming through hot pizza. Got to get the police officer at that pizza. They got to protect and serve the police got to eat too. That the officer to eat. Please, I have a piece of man. He actually d...

Could you shut up?

Dell. Why did you kiss my ear? Where are you holding my hand? There's your other hand between 2 pillows. Ozark trillos.

Did you bring me a monkey?

Did you hear that?

Did you hear that? Yeah. It's a Dick for. What's the ticker to pee with?

Do you believe in God? Ohh. So you're pretty religious. That's true. So is it a problem that I'm not really religious? Not for me. Why not? I'm not the one going to hell.

Downstairs. Why don't we go downstairs? Downstairs. Yes. What are you? A wizard? A genius? What do you tell me that before you? Thanks for your help, you stupid.

Everybody shut up and sit down, you big bald fuck.

Evil. Like it's the fruit of the devil. Evil.

Excuse me, Captain Ron, I was wondering are we going to be going to any more like human type places? Well, you heard of Saint Croix, yeah. We're going to the island just to the left of it. What's i...

Fuck me. Just look at the size of how big are you the kids? How big is he, big man? That's for sure. Hey, man, come on, look at the size of this fella.

German shredder? Yeah. Ohh, dambrose. Yes. Right. I know. Yes. You are the President of this whole fraternity. That's right. Right. You did Monica Moreland. That I do, right. I think about her when...

Going to listen to me, I'm older and I'm wise. Yeah, well, you're half right.

Good morning. Dale King construction, ohh, Yes, Doug Kenney there. It's a girl. Roger. Roger. Clue duck. Call Rogerson. Tell Carl Rogerson's calling.

He recycled this gift. He's a regifter.

Hey, dad. Come on out, bud.

Hey, hey, hey, rumsfield dude, what are you doing with a gun? Shut up and change your God damn house.

Hey, man. The big unveiling, huh? Look, I got to go to work in a couple hours, you know? Hey, man, kiss off. Ricky, get this Lamo out of your yard. Get out of my yard, Lamo.

Hey, Pinocchio. Where are you going?

Hey. What's your name? Joe. John. What is it? Joe John. Name is Joe John Johnston Johnston. Joe. You want to tell me what happened here due to fire? I don't know. I came by and as. Checking out the...

Hi Sophie, it's me. Hey rave, said someone named Rafe. I'm thinking. So what's going on? What ask about you, ask about you. So how are things with Jerry? Ohh, I really like him. But well I still ha...

Hi, Mr Reed. Like the new Jeff, whatever takes the focus off your head.

How's my temporal lobe looking? They're done. Don't worry, you're not going to suffer any short term memory loss. But. Was your head shaped like an egg before she hit you? I don't make fun of Henry...

I can't believe we said no to free beer.

I don't like leaving my own country, Doug, and I especially don't like leaving it for anything less than warm sandy beaches and cocktails with little straw hats. We've got sandy beaches, so who the...

I don't understand. It was version. Do you have my reservation? Yes, we do. Unfortunately we ran out of cars. But the reservation keeps the car here. That's why you have the reservation. I know why...

I don't want to leave them with Shamu over there.

I just threw away a lifetime of guilt free sex and floor seats for every sporting event in Madison Square Garden. So please a little respect. For I am Costanza, Lord of the idiots. But suddenly a n...

I know where that is. Oh, oh, sandy blank. And so when he called, he said it was called a butt. Wow, that's a pretty big butt.

I know you're in there, old man. Listen up, Mr. A piece of scum barking right ears. It's just taking his last stop on my lawn. I find one more, just one. I'm going to catch them and staple. It's as...

I need Flossie thick ass glasses. You don't need floor man can see the game from the parking lot.

I stopped down to pick up my dinner, like I always do. She offered to. You know, nuke my corn dog, I'm gonna say no.

I wanna name her daddy after my wife. She's a vicious, life sucking bitch from which there is no escape.

I was on my way back to the hood about the 20s. I made them 10s, they 10s, but I keep them clean. I was on my way to bathe him and she had.

I went to one of those obedience places once. It was all going well till they spilled hot candle wax on my private parts. I'm just kidding.

I'm at the one about three months ago, right? She had a little punch in her stomach, but I ain't paying no attention to it. I thought it came from drinking 40s and shit because you had a little bee...

I'm going to hire you as my latex salesman, right? I don't think so.

I'm on no sleep, no sleep. You don't know what it's like in there. All night long, things are creaking and cracking and that red light is burning my brain. You look a little stressed out. I'm stres...

I'm such a yokel. She's there. I said it. You know what? I get gum on my. Gum.

I'm waiting on some action to jump off in here. You heard what Mr Molly said. We're top flight security of the world, Craig. Shit, not just the city of the world.

I've driven women to lesbianism before, but never to momentum.

If you notice, your boyfriend has developed an annoying little habit. The squinting. No, the staring. He keeps asking me to give him a high 5. I thought all guys do that. Slapping hands is the lowe...

Jerry, what am I gonna do for fruit? Oh, you'll have to go to the supermarket. The supermarket? It's impossible. They don't have a decent piece of fruit. At the supermarket, the apples are mainly t...

Like the dislocated my shoulder. Go home. You ever been to the pen? Well, thank you I have. Well, Father asking you, though, I'm praying. Yeah, where your bathroom man player got to piss like a Rus...

Listen doctor. Friend of mines been experimenting a little with steroids and. He's been having a lot of wet dreams. Could there be a connection between those two? Douglas, get off the juice. And as...

Look at you. Cram it. Don't start. No, no. You're wasting your life. I am not what you call wasting. I call living. I'm living my life. OK. Like what? No. No. Tell me, do you have a job? No. You go...

Man, it's you who is good. You know what else is good? Smoking dope ain't going to rat you out. You know, puffing the Chiba. Go by to seesaw, smoke. AJ, you know what I'm talking about. You have a ...

Maybe the dingo ate your baby. What the dingo ate your baby.

Mayo nayo names. Swimming by the sandy shore, dancing up among the waves. Dolphin, dolphin. I adore everything you are. You're so much more than a fish to me, my playful friend beneath the sea. Me.

Nice move today. What? Horning in on my rock climbing trip? It's just supposed to be me and Tony. He asked me. You put him on the spot? And I think that you're in love with him. What? That's ridicu...

Nobody leaves this place without singing the Blues.

Nothing much. I slept with Elaine last night. I need some oxygen. This is major. I thought you'd like that. Ohh, this is huge. I know. Alright, OK, let's go. Details. No details. You what? I can't ...

Oh shit. We got a black man for a team. That's what I'm talking about. Yeah. What's up, bro? Charlo. As I was saying. Probably been locked up more times than me yo ass put together. Get on Green, J...

Oh yeah, yeah. Tractor beam. Fuck me right in.

Ohh what's cracking baby? My name is Daddy, right? This is my big head ass cousin. You know Bevo, Lotti got mohead and he got body. Check this out. I just spotted you right across from the lot and ...

Ohh, you gotta help me. My wife, she's, she's Outback. She's having a baby. She's having a what? A baby. She's having a baby and it's halfway out. I can see the head. And interject. Why? For her am...

OK, so the scariest environment imaginable. Things. That's all you gotta say? Scarce environment imaginable.

One of those dirty swine. They're pigs who put the boards up. I can't get in.

Plus, I know where she is all the time. I have relatively no competition. And you and you know how you live in fear of the poppin? Poppin. Yeah. No poppin. No. In the neighborhood, no. I saw your l...

Right. Right now I'm only trying to take a nap. I'm only laying here with my eyes closed trying to God damn sleep.

Roger, Red Rover, Red Rover, let Ray go. Over. Good Red Rover, Red Rover let her go on over. That's great, over.

See, this is all I think about sleeping with a giant. Well, I've sent fisherman, so I guess it's fair to say you've set different goals for yourself than, say, Thomas Edison. Magellan these Magella...

Sorry about your barn.

Space allocation and the guy never knows. Yeah, not getting not know that because I was good. I guess after that many beers he's probably a little groggy anyway. You didn't know?

The Dominicans, aren't they supposed to be rolling cigars? Didn't quite work out, and now I've got nothing for them to do so. So I taught them all about Cuba and they really took to it, you know, M...

The spit then splashed off the wrist pauses in midair. Mind you. Makes a left turn and lands on Newman's left thigh. That is 1 magic Loogie.

They think the cold part. She got a little sister named Baby D. I'm telling you, this fat bitch get physical. She sell dope through here and babysit out the same house. Police don't know where to k...

This right here. Ohh. Yeah, I appreciate it, but I told my wife I wouldn't drink tonight. Besides, I got a big day tomorrow. But you guys have a great time. That's a big day. Doing what? Well actua...

Trigger. What the hell was that? This is embarrassing. Are you cheating if you really cool if you guys wouldn't tell people how to scream like that?

Wait a second. Wait a second. Count me in on this. Yeah, you'll be up before we get the check.

Was all an act. Not bad, huh? What about the breathing, the panting, the moaning, the screaming? Thank, thank, thank, thank.

Watch out for that first step, he said. Jeezy.

Weezy, come on, baby, eat. Weezy, come on baby, eat. We become our crowning baby, you know our crowning. Turn around because you know I clowned. Come on play and stop hating. Stop hating. Stop part...

Well, I love it when you call me banana. Yeah, I do, girl. You should see this sexy shit I got on. Who the hell are you talking to? I talked to Vargas and. Root Reyes has said. Have they down for w...

Well, it's not as if I'm sending you boys out into the world empty handed. Your father swine that he was did manage to bury some money in the mud for you boys. Before we kick in the mud where it co...

Well, Mama, your son who loves you just left us in the lurch. Darlene, you just got promoted. You mean you're going to start paying me? I didn't say that.

Well, the last time I am seeing him, he is busy vomiting. Well, the cat is dragged in a sight for four eyes that is for sure. You look dreadful. This is a barrel of monkeys. Let us go sc**** up som...

Well, this is bogus, man.

Well, you gotta wear it now. This pirate friend that she's come up with, Jerry, this, this is gonna be the new look for the 90s. You're gonna be the first pirate. So I don't wanna be a pirate.

What do you do to relax? Well. Play golf. Ah, it's a great game, yeah. How often do you get out? Well, let's see. Never. Yeah. Never interest to cut back though, and that's really going to hurt.

What the fuck are you? Mr Bennett? I'm Reggie. What you doing here? Can't we take home Megan? What? I came to take on Megan. How old are you? 15 minutes. Motherfucker. You look dirty. Show me some ...

What the Hell's going on? I mean, what the hell is going on?

Who is it? Open the door. Ham. Hock out.

William, move your head. Look at the size of that boy's heed. I'm not kidding. It's like an orange and a toothpick. You're going to give the boy a complex? Well, that's a huge noggin. That's a virt...

Wow. What's this? This is the North Pole. No, it's not. Yes, it is. No, it's not. Yes, it is. No it isn't. Yes, it is. No it isn't. Yes, it is. No, it's not. Where's the snow?

Yeah, give it a professional here. Nice fucking model.

Yeah, it's really scary here. I've just seen three people shoot up a ball, Chinese lady with no pants on, and there's this old guy outside who wants his bedroom slippers. Get out of my house. You j...

You ain't nothing but garbage.

You don't know my name, do you? Yes, I do. What is it? Their rhymes with the female body part. What is it? Mulva. Gipple. Loyola. Oh, oh.

You think he's gone? He's not gone. That's the whole point. He's never gone. Is this some radical new therapy?

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