Mr Garrison Soundboard Edit

All men care about his sex. I spent two hours getting ready for that stupid date and when the bastard checks out my body, he just says, hey, did you used to be a guy or something? I'm a woman now, ...

All right kids, it is now my job to teach you the theory of evolution.

All right, smart ass.

And if I'm a monkey, then I might as well act like a monkey, huh?

And it has some very risque parts and strong vulgar language. And in fact, many schools across the country still ban this book because it's thought to be so inappropriate.

And shut the fuck up.

And then I go to the doctor, right? And I say, doctor, I want to go back to being a man. And he says, well, there's been too much damage. You can't go back. Where are you gonna find a penis? What d...

And then I see this person on Oprah. She's a woman. But then she got a sex change, became a man. But then she got pregnant as having a baby, which means she's still a woman all along. That means I'...

And you keep your goddamn mouth shut, smart ass. I'll deal with you.

And you've got better green balls.

Apparently, John Lennon's killer said he was inspired by catcher in the Rye, but he was just a kook.

As you've probably noticed, our government has decided to let anyone who wants to cross the border and screw up our country.

Bahir Hassan Abdul Hakim.

Bitch.

Boy have I been busy. Woman's work is never done. I got some tampons. I should be getting my period really soon. Hope I don't get too emotional and drive you crazy with my PMS.

But I don't like being with man. They're perverted, selfish pegs.

But I've been told I have to teach it anyway. It was thought of by Charles Darwin and it goes something like this. In the beginning we were all fish, OK, swimming around in the water. And then one ...

But listen, I am not going to just rush into a relationship with Allison. I'm a late in life lesbian, so I need to play the field for a while, right? I'm so happy.

But you know what makes me even happier? Sucking balls.

Come on everybody, let's get some queers and some trucks and have us a good old fashioned fag drag.

Come on, don't be shy.

Come on, you. You're gonna have to sit in the dunce chair.

Continue.

Crossing the border with their dirty families, playing their stupid music. I mean, look at them. I'll bet not one of them is here legally.

Did I say something to you, sugar tits?

Did you ask Mr Hat?

Did you just say the F word?

Did you just take a crap on my desk?

Did you tell anyone else about this?

Doctor, what about a penis?

Don't be shy, just give it your best shot.

Don't you tell me what I can and can't do with my body. A woman has a right to choose.

Eric Cartman.

Eric.

Evolution is a fairy, a harebrained theory that says I'm a monkey. I'm not a monkey, I'm a woman.

For the love of Jesus.

Get an AIDS test, Thompson, because your wife's a dude faggot.

God damn it, stupid ass man. They're all the same.

God damn it.

Have you seen my penis?

Hello Dr I need an abortion pt1

Hello Dr I need an abortion pt2

Hello Dr I need an abortion pt3

Hello.

Hey, asshole.

Hi.

How long before it's ready?

How to speak in English?

How would you like to go see the school counselor?

I admitted I was I was sexually lost. I.

I am assigning all of you weekend homework. You are going to read Hemingway's book, the old man and the sea.

I can't believe what I'm hearing.

I can't say more. I won't.

I care about my students and I will not fill their heads with lies. I am not teaching evolution in my class.

I deserve a God damn penis.

I guess I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a little titillated.

I had a dream last night that you were a real Dick.

I had a sex change operation, my penis is now a vagina and I'm experiencing womanhood for the first time in my life.

I just hate man, is all. It's like all they care about is how hot you look.

I know you're all pissed off as I am, so why don't we begin today's lesson on why the once great Empire of Rome fell to shit, huh? Who can tell me why Rome fell to shit?

I need to tell you something that you might find shocking.

I think I still like the new May. I'd rather be a woman who can't have periods than a fag. Hey guys, this girl is staying a woman who wants to pound my vage.

I was the asshole.

I will give you all the money. I have to. Just try. Please, doctor. I'm a man trapped in a woman's body. I need a penis.

I'm gay.

I'm gonna pair all the boys and girls in class into couples and give each couple an egg.

I'm Janet

I'm just saying what everyone's thinking here, kid. Sorry, not sorry.

I'm not gay, I'm a woman.

I'm trying to direct the school Christmas play, but your son was holding baby Jesus fetus by the head.

If I gave you some of my DNA, could you grow a penis on a mouse for me?

If you need a little more time with your homework, just say so.

It could be anywhere.

It was a shock to me too. I met another woman and we went to this fabulous bar called Lesbos where I finally felt at home. Alice and I talked, and we really opened up to each other, and then we sci...

It's called catcher in the rye.

Jackal off.

Let's all look at why Muslims are upset. First of all, in the Muslim religion, you're not allowed to have what?

Lets start the day 5x2

Maybe if you boys could keep your penises in your pants once in a while, you'd get more done.

Men are all the same. My boyfriend walked out on me. Turns out he was a fag. But I've been living it up ever since, having sex with all kinds of different guys. Girl power.

Message Garrison.

Millions of God damn immigrants are coming over the border and nobody seems to care.

MR Garrison

Mr Garrison.

Mr hat.

My name is Mr Garrison.

My penis is on the loose. If you see it, just try to catch it with some trays.

My whole life has just been one big screw up, you know?

No salmon for you.

No, no.

No.

No.

Nobody talks to me like that.

Nobody wants you here.

Now somebody who matters.

Now you hear me? You go to hell, you go to hell, and you die.

Now, I for one think that evolution is a bunch of bull crap.

Oh boy, do I feel like a Jackass.

Oh my God, of course I haven't gotten to experience a period because one of those truckers I slept with got me knocked up. I'm pregnant everybody. Ohh boy. Now I can have an abortion.

Oh my God, this is a lesbian bar.

Oh, come on, where's your balls?

Oh, I think you should ask Mr Hat.

Oh, that's too bad, dude.

Ohh boy man, I'll do just about anything to get a look at our tits. Well they.

Ohh retard alert retard alert glass. Do you believe in a flying spaghetti monster? Two bubble head.

OK, jacking it is strictly forbidden in the Muslim religion. And what do we know about the places Muslims live, they live in.

OK, now let's try to get an answer from someone who's not a complete retard.

Retarded fish frogs.

Sand. Now put yourself in the shoes of a Muslim. It's Friday night, but you can't have sex and you can't Jack off. They're sand in your eyes and probably in the crack of your ass. And then some car...

Sax.

Second verse X + y equals bibbity bobbity cubed plus the book.

Seems like everyone's afraid to speak the truth around here. Well, I'm throwing my hat in and saying I'll figure this thing out. Now, I might not understand politics or immigration policies or the ...

Shut up, faggot.

So I told my gynecologist, you put so many things in my vagina, maybe I should charge you.

So there you go. You're the retarded offspring of five monkeys having butt sex with a fish squirrel. Congratulations.

So you are saying that we're all related to monkeys?

Sorry I'm so pissed off.

Sorry, not sorry.

Sorry, not sorry. It's time for someone to say it like it is and make our country great again.

Stanley.

Stop being gay.

Stop being offensive.

Tell me about it, I can't even stretch at a normal gym without some guy trying to stare down my vag.

That's enough. You're smart ass.

That's impossible.

That's just silly.

That's not how it works.

That's right, a proud lesbian.

That's right.

That's the cold, hard truth of immigration. Well, there's only one immigration policy that I believe in, and that's from all the data.

The sex change was a big mistake, OK? Got a lot of painkillers at the time and I thought it was what I wanted.

Then we round them all up, pull down their pants and them until their spirits leave their bodies.

There it goes. Stop you.

There's no sex until marriage in the Muslim world. Now this would be fine, except that in the Muslim religion you also can't. Anybody.

These homosexuals think they can just step all over our traditions. Well, I say marriage is a holy sacrament between a man and a woman.

They can't build a wall ohh them to death.

They don't even speak English.

They passed this law behind our backs. We need to tell the governor and the world that gay marriage is not OK, that homosexuals cannot muddy our traditions, and there is only one way for us all tog...

They're probably all on their periods or something.

This book is very controversial and has just been taken off the banned books list.

Those students are not prepared to hear their stuff.

To make our country great again.

Tom Cruise.

Tonight, I want you to read chapters one through 5.

Trust me, you don't want this hot potato.

Watch your language.

We build a big wall, and if anyone comes over the wall, we spammed to death too.

We should have put up a God damn wall.

Well, go ahead, leave your atheist faggot. Have fun mocking God in hell, you queer.

Well, I'm sorry, but I just don't trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die.

Well, that didn't take you long, did it?

Well, what kind of woman can't have abortions and bleed out her snatch once a month? You made me into a freak is what you did, and I want you to change me back.

Well, you're a faggot.

Wendy.

What about a penis?

What about the fact that by believing this crap you're gonna go to hell? Doesn't that bother you a little?

What did you say?

What do you want? I'm trying to teach.

What is 5 * 2?

What's the matter?

Whatever.

Whereas Shala Gadola, metrica boula equals X and bibbity Bobbity Boo is. Why put them together and what have you got? Baby Bobby Boo X + y = y X equals zero. The song is badly written.

Who needs man anyway? They're God damn arrogant, self-centered assholes is what they are.

Why it's my penis. My penis came back, but why? I guess it's true. What's that old saying? If you love your penis, let it go.

Why the hell not?

Would you like to take this beautiful woman to bed?

Would you like to? Head over to my place for dessert.

Wow, just look at all these tampons. Regular heavy flow. Oh boy, I can't wait till I get my first period.

Yeah, and I'm Dan rather and I got news for you. Nobody wants you here.

Yeah.

Yes, them all to death. Let's make this country great again.

Yes.

Yes.

You have a penis.

You know, the strange thing is I haven't gotten my period yet. Is there a reason a woman might miss her period?

You must care for and look after this egg just like a baby for one full week. If you break your egg, it means you have a dead baby, and if you kill your baby you get an F.

You saw penis.

You see monkeys at the zoo, they crap in their hands and throw it at people.

You see, I knew that would happen.

You see, what happened is that these immigrants, called the Goths, were welcomed into Roman territories because some people felt bad for them.

You told me you were going to make me into a woman.

You will read it at home and you will all be mature about its adult themes and language.

You, Sir, have a pizza face and you suck your mom's Dick.

You.

You. You do.

Your wife is a dude faggot.