Harold and Maude Edit

A chauffeur. Respect. Money in the bank.

A cup? Closèd in my true love's hand?

A different sense of enjoyment from the others?

A doctor at the university...

A gift.

A little Nathan Hale in you.

A lot of people enjoy being dead.

A self portrait.

A state of mind I'm goin' through

A sunflower.

A very common neurosis...

About 45 minutes. Wouldn't you say, Harold?

About... Walter Cronkite.

After all, he was General MacArthur's right hand man.

After all, we're given life to find it out.

After dinner...

Ah, ah, ah, it's easy

Ah, ah, ah, it's easy

Ah, ah, ah, it's easy

Ah, ah, ah, you only

Ah, ah, ah, you only need to know

Ah, ah, ah, you only need to know

Ah, it'll make a man out of you, Harold.

Ah, it's the most exciting thing in the world, Harold.

Ah, life. [Chuckles]

Ah, me. Free as a bird.

Ah...

Aim above morality.

All around us, living things!

All kinds of observable differences.

All of us belong

All right, out, lady.

All right, then. We'll be off.

All the days of my life...

Allow themselves to be treated as that.

Although we do do a large business.

Amen."

An accurate number would be difficult to gauge.

An officer deserves your respect.

And a reward from God his savior.

And although normally I have nothing against marriage...

And an Elephant.

And are serving your country...

And attacked by thugs of the opposition.

And champagne. [Inhales Deeply]

And change into something else.

And do try and be a little more vivacious.

And don't be shy

And don't wear fear

And don't wear fear

And don't wear fear

And fade and die...

And I can see death's disguise

And I do want to inform you of my decision.

And I haven't got a lot of time

And I hope they have more luck with you than I.

And I shall dwell in the house of the Lord...

And I slipped into unconsciousness.

And I think very illuminating.

And I woke up on the stretcher.

And I'm in charge of all the invoices.

And I'm on the road to find out

And if you find a new way

And if you find a new way

And if you find a new way

And if you find a new way

And if you want to be free, be free

And if you want to be free, be free

And if you want to be free, be free

And if you want to be free, be free

And if you want to be high, be high

And if you want to be me, be me

And if you want to be me, be me

And if you want to be you, be you

And if you want to live high, live high

And if you want to live low, live low

And if you want to say no, say no

And in the government.

And it seems that you can't get off

And it's too much for me today

And it's too much too much for me

And join us in the drawing room.

And lead us not into temptation...

And let me die! [Cries Out]

And let your feelings out instead

And let your feelings out instead

And Mac and all the rest of the guys.

And Maude loves Harold.

And of course, this pattern, once isolated...

And over here is my favorite.

And please try to be serious, Harold.

And poor Glaucus occasionally needs his memory refreshed...

And possession of a stolen tree... Where's the tree?

And rallies and political meetings...

And rather bring them to...

And reach in and feel.

And reign forever and ever.

And send this one 'round instead.

And she seems a very nice, quiet girl.

And started giving a whole newscast before the entire family.

And stopped flitting away your talents on these little amateur theatrics...

And take on adult responsibilities.

And the kind of war this whole country can support.

And the knowledge in your heart...

And the last woman to kiss me

And the next thing I knew, he was arrested by the police...

And the right breathing.

And the smell.

And then, of course, I can always fall back on my home ec.

And there's nothing much left of me

And these two policemen came in...

And what do you do, my dear?

And with guests coming this evening. Oh, would you? That's sweet.

And with this long sigh...

And you can make it undo

And you can make it undo

And you can make it undo

And you make them long

And you'll get a chance to see the war firsthand.

And you've got a buddy for life.

And, for your own good, to take up active duty...

And, uh, told her...

And, uh...

And...

And... flabby...

Another man's life in your sights!

Are you gonna take a lot of time with this?

As to the contours of the female form.

As we forgive those who have trespassed against us...

Barley was very big last week.

Becomes holy in your sight unless you grant him...

Being dragged off by the police...

Big Sweeney gave me his keys.

Black flowers are dead flowers.

Body...

Borders and nations and patriotism?

Boy, to think I could maybe make my own!

Boy! Wow!

Breasts...

Bring tea for the tillerman

Bu...

Building jumbo planes

Burials and births, one linked to the other.

But at 85 you're just marking time.

But consistency is not really a human trait.

But deliver us from evil. Amen.

But I decided that was an idea way before its time.

But I do have friends in high places.

But I like to keep in practice.

But I miss the kings.

But I won't need it

But I've had such a trying day.

But it is time now to put away childish things...

But it's incidental, not integral, if you know what I mean.

But nevertheless you know

But not as many as you might think.

But now in my small...

But play as well as ya can.

But tell me where do the children play

But tell me where do the children play

But that ugly black horror is an eyesore and an embarrassment.

But that was all before.

But the army takes care of you.

But then I decided to switch...

But they're not dead, really.

But this reluctance on your part is detrimental to the psychoanalytical process.

But to listen to the solution proposed by your uncle.

But we would like to get it into soil as soon as possible.

But, you see, some of the other girls in my sorority decided...

But...

Buttocks...

By a crisis and conflict policy.

By the help of your grace, may he escape...

By the National Computer Dating Service.

Bye.

Call me "sir," Harold. It's the first thing you learn in the army.

Can be coped with.

Can I give you a lift, Harold?

Candy's just been telling us such a funny little story...

Caress...

Christ have mercy. Lord have mercy.

Come along.

Come on.

Come on. Get out, buster!

Comes from people who are this...

Comin' to me Comin' through me

Commingling...

Consequently, I have instruCted him forthwith...

Cute little thing, isn't it?

Dear me!

Dearest brothers...

Dearly loves a cage.

Deliver them from the lion's mouth and the darkness therein...

Do not bring your servant to trial...

Do you often model for Glaucus?

Do you pray?

Do you understand?

Don't be shy

Don't be shy

Don't die, Maude, for chrissake.

Don't get officious. You're not yourself when you're officious.

Don't get up, dear.

Don't upset yourself so.

Don't you talk to me like that...

Doré is my real name.

Dreyfus once wrote from Devil's Island that he would see...

During wartime, the national suicide rate goes down.

Edith has been talking about her job.

Edith, I'd like you to meet my son, Harold.

Even as a baby. He seemed totally prone...

Every step seemed the same

Everybody should be able to make some music.

Everyone has the right to make an ass out of themselves.

Experimenting in river currents...

Explore.

Eyes, ears, nose, scalp, privates.

Farewell?

Fay? Darling, I know René will be furious, but...

Fifteen hundred... bushels.

Fifteen.

Fifteen.

First, here is the personality interview...

For aesthetic appreciation, always a little time.

For floating nude down the Seine.

For floating nude down the Seine.

For he has established it upon the waters...

For length of days.

For that happy day For that happy day

For you.

For your lorry loads

Forgiveness of all his sins.

Found my mother...

From a slot machine

From the pain of hell and the bottomless pit.

From the trials of this world.

Gee, I never dreamed it could be that... exciting.

Get hurt, even.

Get in, Harold.

Give back the head. Let's have no troubles. Harold!

Give me an L, give me an I, give me a V, give me an E.

Give us this day our daily bread...

Givin' me a second sight

Go and have a talk with your Uncle Victor.

Go and love some more.

Go, team, go!

God have mercy.

Good on curves.

Greet the dawn with the Breath of Fire.

Hah! How about hand to hand combat?

Hallowed be thy name.

Hanging on me

Happy life up to the present... the life of a child.

Harold does have his little eccentric moments.

Harold is down at the garage.

Harold is out in the garden, Candy, but he'll be here in a moment.

Harold, dear, don't play with your food.

Harold, dear, eat up your beets.

Harold, dear?

Harold, I only have a few minutes, dear...

Harold, join in.

Harold, please!

Harold, this is Edith...

Harold, this is Sunshine Doré.

Harold, we have got to do something about this life.

Harold, your mother has spoken to me about your marriage plan.

Harold!

Harold! Damn you!

Harold?

Harold?

Harold?

Harold...

Harold's always been a very delicate child.

Harrison. Harrison Feed and Grain.

Has been a good friend

Hath been his timeless end.

He has a new car, and he's just been tuning it up.

He realized they had only been seagulls.

He shall receive the blessing from the Lord...

He was so serious.

He was such an influence...

He's in the army.

Heavens no!

Hello, Harold. Can I give you a lift?

Hello, I'm Candy Gulf.

Here is the first question.

Here today, gone tomorrow, so don't get attached to things.

Here we are: Oat straw tea and ginger pie.

Hey, this old thing handles well.

His earthly life, he was signed with the seal of the Holy Trinity.

Hmm?

Hold on to this. What is this?

Hold the line, Fay.

Hopin' someone would miss me

How about some ginger pie?

How do you do? I'm Mrs. Chasen. Do come in.

How do you feel about that?

How many of these, uh, suicides have you performed?

How the world still...

I am happy.

I am learning the ba... the harmonica.

I ask you though, Harold:

I asked, "Do you have any friends?"

I can still see the sun shining...

I can't take any more!

I communicate.

I couldn't imagine a lovelier farewell.

I decided right then...

I do so like the military, don't you?

I don't have one. I don't believe in them.

I don't know if that's right.

I don't know what to do.

I don't know.

I don't need a defense anymore.

I don't regret the kingdoms.

I don't see why not. Absolutely yes.

I don't want no fight

I don't want no more

I drunk your wine

I embrace.

I even find the question distasteful.

I fall. [Weak Groaning]

I feel that much of the world's sorrow...

I figured, you know...

I find you a very interesting case, Harold...

I find you have left me with no recourse...

I found it when I was packing to come to America.

I go to funerals.

I got this funny feeling.

I got you down here for several offenses, including...

I guess I'll take my time

I had the most wonderful day today.

I had them take away that monstrous thing of yours...

I had to call the embassy for a doctor.

I have a brother who's a real cutup too.

I have a little surprise for you.

I have a luncheon, uh, date... with a girl.

I have here, Harold, the form sent out...

I have paid my debt

I have seen your face

I have seen your face

I have to go there

I haven't lived.

I heard he's 80 years old. I'll be 80 next week.

I just think it's such a super thing to study.

I knew we were gonna be good friends the moment I saw you.

I know that.

I know we've come a long way

I like it very much.

I like to watch things grow.

I like you, Harold.

I like you, Maude.

I love you!

I played Juliet...

I promise.

I remember once in Paris, he just stepped out for cigarettes...

I remember once in Tokyo...

I saw nothing, nothing more

I say get the Krauts on the other side of the fence where they belong.

I say this country has been too harsh...

I say you can point to the many material advantages brought about...

I seen your eyes

I suppose you think that's very funny, Harold.

I suppose you think this is very funny, Harold.

I sure am picking up on vices.

I telephoned your second computer date this morning...

I then became infatuated...

I think I can see...

I think I see the light

I think we can come up with something.

I think we're going to be great friends, don't you?

I think you should go and wash up, dear...

I thought not. [Laughing]

I thought then that I would marry a soldier.

I took the tablets an hour ago.

I type up the schedule for the trucking fleet.

I understand.

I used to walk alone

I want to show you my painting.

I want you to go straight to bed.

I was in there cleaning it up...

I was taken to the palace in Vienna, to a garden party.

I was taken to the palace in Vienna, to a garden party.

I wish I knew, I wish I knew

I would be remiss in my duty...

I would not say "benefit."

I'd like that. You could see the blood squirt out. How about souvenirs?

I'd say so.

I'd say...

I'd say...

I'll be gone by midnight.

I'll never understand this mania for black.

I'll pump it up.

I'll put the kettle on. We'll have a nice hot cup of tea.

I'm a file clerk at Harrison Feed and Grain.

I'm always looking for the new experience.

I'm getting married.

I'm in charge of all the invoices for the southwest.

I'm merely acting as a gentle reminder...

I'm not against collecting stuff.

I'm sorry. I was looking for Maude.

I'm well into autumn. It's all gonna be over after Saturday.

I've collected quite a lot of stuff in my time.

I've died a few times.

If I did not tell you...

If not for your sake, at least for hers.

If you apply that to life...

If you want to be free, be free

If you want to be low, be low

If you want to be you, be you

If you want to sing out, sing out

In its outright condemnation of war.

In relating them to others?"

In short, Harold...

In the Sunshine Playhouse.

In view of your recent actions, Harold...

Individual way.

InterCourse...

Is better than a song

Is Harold interested in what's going on?

Is it enough?

Is Sunshine your real name?

Is that a faCt?

Is that parked all right?

Is that you want to sleep with your grandmother.

Is the little tree all right?

Is this your truck?

Isn't it darling?

It certainly has.

It doesn't last forever.

It knocked me down and blew out a huge hole in the floor.

It used to be my defense on picket lines...

It was very scientific.

It's a great life. Look at me.

It's a hara kiri blade.

It's a present.

It's absurd.

It's all right. It's organic.

It's at Hamilton and Fourth...

It's dazzling.

It's just another point of view

It's rather hard to find a truck.

It's suffocating. Well, it's the smog.

It's the earth.

It's titled...

Joe falls back, a neat red hole in the middle of his head.

Just a minute!

Just be impulsive. Be fanciful. Let the music flow out of ya.

Just let me go where

Just let your feelings roll on by

Just let your feelings roll on by

Just let your feelings roll on by

Just let your feelings roll on by

Just let your feelings roll on by

Just lift your head

Just lift your head

Just stand over there, lady. Just stand over there.

Kill!" And then there was a blinding flash!

Kind of.

Kings died. Kingdoms fell.

L I V E, live!

Lady! Stop, or I'll have to shoot! [Groans]

Lady! Stop, or I'll have to shoot! [Groans]

Later on, Frederick would chide me about it.

Let me get this straight, lady...

Let us faithfully and lovingly remember our brother...

Let's get back to the kind of enemy worth killing...

Liberty, rights, justice.

Like some licorice?

Look at it. Oh!

Look down and see the cold floor

Look up and see the clouds

Look. See?

Looks like a hearse.

Lord, my body

Louie thought it was my best performance.

Love is where

Makes me want...

Many years later in Brittany...

Maude?

Maude?

Maude.

Maude...

Mauve ones.

Maybe one.

Maybe.

Miles from nowhere

Mm, I love the feel of soil, don't you?

Mm? What do you think, Harold? A? B?

Mm.

Most of the egg farmers in Petaluma.

Mown grass, and Mexican farmyard.

Must've been very funny.

My boy, excuse me.

My career in school was over.

My head is in the stars."

My mother arranged it.

My mother was giving a party, so I just went...

My, Harold, I'm glad to see you again.

Need to know

Never. Never. [Sobbing]

Nevertheless, I think you're upsetting people.

Nice chatting with you.

No matter how psychologically purging they may be.

No more revolts?

No, but I really do have to go. I have an appointment.

No, don't be shy

No, I feel more like yelling.

No, thank you. I have my own car.

No, thank you. They stain my fingers.

No.

No.

No.

No. Absolutely no.

No. It had nothing on this afternoon.

No. My Uncle Victor.

No. No.

No. We'll mark D.

Nobody sends black flowers, do they?

None of that, lady. Come on out.

Nor sworn deceitfully to his neighbor.

Now won't you leave me in my misery

Now, Harold, I cannot impress upon you too strongly...

Now, let me see.

Now, let's examine the facts on it.

Now, that's what this country needs...

Now, then, are you ready, Harold?

Now, this is the one. Take that.

Now, what do you smell?

Now, why in hell did we give up on the Germans?

Now, with that in mind...

Now, won't you leave me in my misery

Now, you hold on to this.

Of course, what puzzles me, Harold...

Of course, you know, Harold's father had a similar sense of the absurd.

Of getting one of these?

Of you

Oh, big issues:

Oh, but I... I'm looking forward to meeting Harold.

Oh, but it's oat straw tea. You've never had oat straw tea, have you?

Oh, come on. You loved it.

Oh, could I speak with Fay, please?

Oh, do you play?

Oh, every day.

Oh, God!

Oh, happy dagger...

Oh, happy dagger...

Oh, Harold!

Oh, Harold.

Oh, Harold.

Oh, Harold.

Oh, Harold.

Oh, Harold. [Chuckling, Squealing]

Oh, heavens no! I don't have to worry about dates.

Oh, heavens, no. I don't have the time.

Oh, here's Harold now.

Oh, how do you do? I'm Dame Marjorie Chardin, but you may call me Maude.

Oh, I know we've come a long way

Oh, I know you have no desire to join the army, but once you're in...

Oh, I love them so much.

Oh, I will never forget the time...

Oh, I would say no. Wouldn't you, Harold?

Oh, is this your father?

Oh, it goes on and on.

Oh, it had the ring of truth!

Oh, it has its drawbacks, like anything else, I suppose.

Oh, it's all right. It's organic.

Oh, it's hurt me. I'm not liked in Washington.

Oh, lady.

Oh, Lord how they play and play

Oh, my God!

Oh, my, what a lovely place you have here!

Oh, no, no, no. Really get close...

Oh, not any car. I like to keep a variety.

Oh, on by, on by, on by

Oh, one thing more, Harold.

Oh, perhaps Starlight would like a cigarette.

Oh, thank you, but I really have to go.

Oh, that was fun! Let's play something together.

Oh, that was marvelous!

Oh, that's my umbrella. That's just a relic.

Oh, the police. Come on.

Oh, there she is.

Oh, there you are, madam.

Oh, there you are.

Oh, there's Harold. Hello.

Oh, trouble, can't you see

Oh, trouble, move from me

Oh, trouble, please be kind

Oh, trouble, set me free

Oh, uh, thank you. I don't drink.

Oh, we would all like to sail through life...

Oh, we'll put down C... "not sure." Mm hmm.

Oh, well, that's the influence of the right food, right exercises...

Oh, well. It must've been your brother. There is a family resemblance.

Oh, wonderful. Try something new each day.

Oh, yeah

Oh, yeah. Fine.

Oh, yes indeed.

Oh, yes, dear. Here is Harold now.

Oh, yes, I do indeed.

Oh, yes.

Oh, yes. Absolutely yes.

Oh, yes. How did you like that?

Oh, yes. You were a wonderful baby, Harold.

Oh!

Oh! Here's one you'll like.

Oh! What a wonderful colleCtion of knives!

Oh. Dinner at 8:00, Harold.

Oh. Excuse me.

Oh. Oh, yes.

Oh. Well, now, directly after dinner...

Okay. Now, hold it up there.

On a cosmic train

On by, on by

On by, on by

On by, on by

On by, on by

On Earth as it is in heaven.

On the development of my instrument.

Once you have your basic set, it's then only a question of variation.

One moment, please.

One more little surprise...

Ooh, isn't it wonderful?

Ooh, ooh, ooh

Ooh, ooh, ooh

Ooh!

Ooh! Give me that. I'm gonna throw that...

Or nobody will know you're there

Or nobody will know you're there

Or nobody will know you're there

Or takin' a ride

Or who shall stand in his holy place?

Otherwise you got nothin' to talk about in the locker room.

Our obligations, our principles.

Out of the car.

Over in the corner is Leda and the Swan.

Palm...

Perfume.

Perhaps he can fathom you.

Perhaps you've heard of him. [Gasps]

Poison, I see...

Poli sci with a minor in home ec.

Possession of a stolen vehicle, resisting arrest...

Psst!

Psst!

Put your finger on the second fret there...

Rainbow with Egg Underneath...

Reach out. Take a chance.

Really, Harold, it is time you settled down...

Really? Do you think it's wrong?

Recognize the problem and you're halfway on the road...

Right up the back stairs and to my room...

Sagging...

Seagulls, sing your hearts away

Several dates for you with some young ladies.

Shall I come and visit you tomorrow? Oh, I can't.

Shall I take you home, Harold?

Shall we have a song?

Shall we, uh, sit down?

Shattered and tossed and worn

She collapsed in their arms.

She put one hand up to her forehead.

She supplies the whole southwest with chicken feed.

Shine, shine, shine

Shine, shine, shine

Since the damn politicians in Washington chalked them up on our side...

Snowfall on 42nd Street. I'll put it on.

So could you put me down for Monday?

So don't be shy

So I began first on the easiest: Roast beef, old books...

So I decided I'd do a little experimenting, you know.

So I get all this stuff out and begin mixing it up.

So I'll always know where it is.

So it is obviously a firm of high standards.

So just before he left for the monastery in Tibet...

So much more appropriate for you, don't you think?

So on and on you go

So shine, shine, shine

So there was nothing much to gain

So what I see is never true

So won't you be fair

So won't you be kind to me

So, uh, I went home.

So...

Some are smaller, some are fatter...

Some even have lost some petals.

Some grow to the left, some to the right.

Special satisfaction?

Squeeze out his life in your own bare hands!

Steak for the sun

Still fighting for the big issues...

Stop it! Harold! Harold!

Subways? [Chuckles]

Sukiyaki!

Sunshine is an actress, Harold.

Sunshine, I'd like you to meet Harold.

Sunshine.

Switch on summer

Tell me, Candy, are you a regular with this computer club?

Tell me, do you dance?

Tell me, Harold, what do you do for fun?

Tell me, Harold...

Tell me, that car over there...

Thank you, Fay. You're a darling.

That he may bless and deliver the souls of all faithful departed...

That I enjoyed being dead.

That I hope will make you very happy.

That I was killed in the fire.

That I've received in years.

That is wonderful.

That little tree is in trouble. Come on.

That means "my body" in theater talk.

That somebody ought to try it, so we drew straws and I lost.

That the idea of...

That was your last date!

That wasn't very scary.

That woman... she took my car!

That you are working for peace...

That you're there, you're there

That's a terrific story, sir.

That's absolutely.

That's all right.

That's just great.

That's the cosmic dance. Oh, come with me.

That's the curse of a government job.

That's very interesting, Harold...

The blessing of light, holy life, and eternal rest.

The children play

The doorbell rang. I went out to the banister...

The Earth is the Lord's and the fullness thereof...

The fact of your firm young...

The first time...

The flashing uniforms of the young officers.

The great circle of life.

The importance of this meeting.

The innocent of hands...

The leaves... look, they're turning brown.

The moment of truth.

The most glorious birds.

The opportunity's on

The opportunity's on

The opportunity's on

The parasols...

The seconds tick the time out

The sentence which he deserves, for during...

The taste of blood in your mouth.

The wars ever since have been a national disgrace.

Then this one on the third, then this one here.

Then you shall take me home.

Then you're bound to live it fully.

There has to be something.

There rest... [Groans]

There seems to be a definite pattern emerging.

There was boards and bricks and flames leapin' up.

There was this massive explosion.

There.

There's action, adventure, advising...

There's so much left to know

These little divertissements...

They grow and bloom...

They screen out the fat and the ugly...

They're just backing away from life.

They're so tall and simple.

They're such fun, aren't they? It's all change, all revolving.

They're the only wildlife I get to see anymore.

Thinkin' about my home

This is all memorabilia...

This is definitely a new experience for me.

This is it. Here we are.

This is the generation of those who seek him.

This is the last girl, so kindly remember that this is your third and final chance.

This is the nicest present...

This is The **** of Rome.

This is thy sheath.

This is too much!

This world was not my own

Thou dost anoint my head with oil. My chalice overflows.

Thou dost prepare for me a table in the sight of my adversaries.

Thy kingdom come, thy will be done...

Till I found myself alone

Time to leave.

To every possible kind of illness.

To hush up, I can tell you.

To induct you into the service...

To its, uh... its solution.

To kill.

To me they will always be glorious birds.

To pit...

To reach there

To the music room, and I'll follow on later with some drinks?

To the taCtile.

To vomit.

To whom?

Tommy stuck his head behind it...

Trouble

Trouble

Trouble

Trouble

Trouble, can't you see

Trouble, can't you see

Trouble, move away

Trouble, oh

Tsk.

Tsk. Oh, the police. Always wanting to play games.

Turned out the light, and, uh...

Uh, do you care to join me in a little cartwheel?

Uh, oh, no. I just took it.

Uh, please sit down, Harold.

Uh, tell me about yourself.

Uh, this is my car.

Uh, you might turn the radio off. Saves the battery.

Uh... Well, stroke...

Until you came into my life, girl

Very nice. Compact.

Very pleased to make your acquaintance.

Very well.

Vice, virtue. It's best not to be too moral.

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute. See? Oh!

Was that the one with the Saint Christopher medal on the dashboard?

Was when I was at boarding school in the chemistry lab.

We had this old television set with no parts in it.

We have our duties...

We implore you therefore, do not let the verdict...

We were hoping to start sooner, but you see...

We're changin' day to day

We're changin' day to day

Well, actually it was the name of my drama teacher. Louis Sunshine.

Well, Dorr, actually.

Well, good afternoon, Officer. Bit of trouble here?

Well, Harold, I've always been a man who speaks his piece.

Well, I mean, 75 is too early...

Well, I must be off. We shall have to meet again.

Well, I suppose I did.

Well, I think I should mention, Candy...

Well, I think it's fine

Well, I think that's a yes. Don't you agree, Harold?

Well, if he knew what I had to put up with in the last few days...

Well, if some people get upset because they feel they have a hold on some things...

Well, if you want to say yes, say yes

Well, if you want to sing out, sing out

Well, if you want to sing out, sing out

Well, if you want to sing out, sing out

Well, it's a new experience for me.

Well, it's not mine, really...

Well, just give me a rough estimate.

Well, not exactly the whole southwest...

Well, now, why don't you two go along down...

Well, now, why don't you two go along down...

Well, sometimes you have to moan

Well, that cost quite a bit of influence et d'argent...

Well, that would have to be yes, wouldn't it?

Well, then, you'll just have to come back and visit.

Well, there's no question my body's giving out.

Well, uh...

Well, we'll need tools.

Well, what is it exactly that you do?

Well, you roll on roads

Well, you're not goin' anywhere.

Well...

Were they all done for your mother's benefit?

Were you also the one who painted the saint?

Were you not the lady who drove my car off yesterday?

What a delight it is, Harold, to bump into you again.

What activity gives you...

What do you do when you aren't visiting funerals?

What do you find fulfilling?

What flower would you like to be?

What gives you that...

What have you done?

What is that up there?

What makes me, me and what makes you, you

What sense in...

What was that?

What were you fighting for?

What?

What's the matter? Don't you feel well?

When I reach the end

When I was a little girl...

When nothing seems to suit ya

Whereby the male child subconsciously...

Which you are to fill out and return.

Who has not turned his mind to vanity...

Who said that?

Who sends dead flowers to a funeral?

Who shall ascend the mountain of the Lord...

Who was that old lady who was waving to you earlier?

Whom God has taken to himself...

Why you purchased that monstrosity I have no idea.

Why, the two best wars this country ever fought were against the Jerries.

Will you be just quiet, please?

Wine for the woman who made the rain come

Wishes to sleep with his mother.

With God?

With life.

With no thought of tomorrow, but that cannot be.

With rubber water wings.

With the other she reached out as if groping for support...

With the United States Army.

With the...

With these, my odorifics.

Withered flesh...

Would you care to talk about this friend?

Would you like a cigarette?

Wow. That's pretty strong stuff, sir.

Yeah, we'll give a D there. Three:

Yep. There is definitely a certain attraCtion.

Yes, get what you want to if you want

Yes, I do indeed.

Yes, it's my 80th birthday.

Yes?

Yes. Bye.

Yet...

You are at the university?

You can do it today

You can do it today

You can do it today

You can do it today

You can do what you want

You can do what you want

You can do what you want

You can have any car you want.

You can make it all true

You can make it all true

You can make it all true

You can't be serious!

You can't let the world judge you too much.

You cheat yourself out of too much life.

You commie bastard!

You don't do that, do you, Harold?

You don't use the umbrella anymore.

You go to funerals often, don't you?

You have led a very carefree, idle...

You have made me a wreck

You have made your work mine

You hop in any car you want and just drive off?

You know that there are

You know that there are

You know that there are

You know that there are

You know that there are

You know that there are

You know that there are

You know that there are

You know that there are

You know that there are

You know that there are You know that there are

You know, at one time I used to break into pet shops to liberate the canaries.

You know, love

You know, people can live with it, but trees, it gives them asthma.

You look as if you could.

You make me feel like a schoolgirl.

You might find this one particularly interesting.

You see

You see

You see

You see, Harold...

You traitor!

You who live...

You'll all end up like this!

You'll have stories like that to tell of your own someday, Harold.

You'll love it.

You'll travel the world, put on a uniform, and take on a man's job.

You'll walk tall, with a glint in your eye and a spring in your step...

You're eatin' my heart away

You're in a lot of trouble, lady.

You're locked towards the future

You're right. We'll go see Glaucus.

You're there, you're there

You're there, you're there, you're there

You're very beautiful.

You've got to make some chords.

You've thought of everything.

Your license, lady.

Your mother tells me, Harold, that she's arranging...

Zoos are full. Prisons are overflowing.

"Poli sci"? Political science.

[Bell Rings] [All Laughing]

[Calliope] [Raucous Laughter]

[Candy Exclaiming] Harold, this is Candy.

[Choking] I know he'll be furious...

[Engine Revving] Hanging on me

[Exhales Forcefully] [Chuckles]

[Harold] This is real nice. Yeah.

[Kettle Whistling] Oh. There's my kettle.

[Man] Fire! [Gunfire]

[Man] Hup! Harold...

[Man] Troop... I don't think this is quite...

[Maude, Harold Screaming] Madam!

[No Audible Dialogue] Trouble, oh

[Organ] Did you know him?

[Piano Continues Playing] If you want to sing out, sing out

[Rifles Cocking] More Nathan Hales.

[Screaming Continues] Madam!

[Shovel Clatters] Possession of a stolen shovel.

[Whistle Blowing] You may as well look over the horizon.

[Whistle Blows] [Continues]

[Woman Sobbing] Kindness and grace shall follow me...

A rough estimate? Mm.

Ah, it's a great life. [Footsteps Marching In Sync]

All right. My door's always open.

All right. Promise?

And I came out here to speak. Crazy parasite!

and the pure of heart... [Sneezes]

And there are plenty of slant eyed girls. [Man] Hup!

And you make them tall [Tires Screeching]

Are you? Yes, dear.

Because they're all alike. Oh, but they're not.

Cigarettes. [Both Chuckling]

Come on. Hello. Haven't we met before?

Did I tell you I'll be 80 on Saturday? You don't look 80.

Do you disapprove? Me? No. Of course not.

Do you like it? Oh, yeah. Very much.

Do you think so, sir? Sure, you will.

Ever drive a hearse, Harold? Yeah.

Fay? Yes?

Fifteen? That's a rough estimate.

Fine. Thank you. I'll heat some up.

for no man... [Woman] Psst!

Harold, that's disgusting! It certainly is!

Harold! Commie bastard! Get the hell out of here!

Harold! Hey, what would be the chance...

He was very nice. Oh, yeah.

He's very mechanical. What kind of car is it?

Hell, World War II gave us the ballpoint pen. [Man Groaning, Wheezing]

Hello? [Man] Hello?

Here. [Gasps]

How about to slit his throat? Well, I don't know about that.

How do you do? Nice to meet you. Well, thank you.

How interesting. We supply, for example...

Howdy... How do you do? Oh, I can't complain.

hup! Uh, normal.

I beg your pardon. What do you want?

I don't play anything. Nothing?

I don't play anything. Oh, come on.

I like to think so. Mm, wonderful.

I really can't miss it. Oh. At the dentist?

I think he's following us. Is he?

I'll kill her! Harold!

I'll kill you! Harold!

I'll kill you! You... [Screaming] Harold!

I'll show you. No...

I'm a file clerk. Henderson Feed and Grain.

I'm getting married. What did you say?

in the sewer, where it belongs. Madam, please!

Is this your shovel? Uh, no.

It was a new experience. [Maude Chuckles]

It's a little Jaguar. Oh.

It's a lovely spot. Thank you, Uncle.

It's a tricky turn. Yes, ma'am.

just like Nathan Hale! [Man] Ready!

Lady, please? Because if you are...

Madam, who are you? I am petitioning for peace.

May I see them? No, no, don't touch. They're very old.

Mother? Not now, dear.

No, thank you. You're welcome.

No. Me neither.

No. None at all?

No. Oh, heavens, I'm glad you said that.

No. Well, then.

of your judgment go against him... Psst!

Oh, he seems very nice. Oh, thank you.

Oh, now, that's good planning. Yes.

Oh! The birds. Wow.

Oh. [Both Laughing]

Oh. It's all about what's going on.

Oh. Well, I don't even know her.

One of these, maybe. Why do you say that?

Ooh, filth! Harold!

Ooh! "Sunshine." Oh, yes, of course.

Ooh! Ooh! Just like this!

Parasite! Harold!

Pardon me? Do you sing and dance?

Phern. Phern.

Power steering. But they just go on and on

Psst! Rather...

Pumpin' petrol gas [Tires Screeching]

Remember Nathan Hale! Right, sir? Harold, calm down.

She took my head! I'll kill her! Calm down. Harold!

She took my head. Calm down, Harold.

She's a commie pig! Don't you advance on me.

Snow. Snow. [Laughs]

So you can imagine. Yes.

Souvenirs? Of your kill.

Thanks. It has no nutritional value...

They can't breathe. Huh?

This is public property. Well, exactly.

To use a bayonet? Yes!

Uh, no. "Uh, no."

Uh, yeah. Yeah, so do I.

We planted it. You planted it.

Well, I didn't. Oh, don't be too discouraged.

Well, why don't you? [Harold Chuckles] I'd feel stupid.

What do you mean? Well...

What do you think? I like this.

What is your name? Harold. Harold Chasen.

What? We'll transplant it to the forest.

Will they really teach me to shoot? Sure, they will. A variety of weapons.

Yes, I am. And what are you studying?

Yes, ma'am. That's fine. Oh, thank you so much.

Yes! Zat!

Yes. Then I suppose it was me.

Yes. To strangle someone! Choke him!

You can't do that. Why not?

you little foulmouthed degenerate! Traitor! BenediCt Arnold!

You took it? Yes. You see, I have to plant my tree.

Your hearse? "Yearse."

your own life against another. Yes!

'Cause there's a million things to be

'Cause there's a million things to be

'Cause there's a million things to be

'Cause there's a million things to be

'Cause there's a million things to be

'Cause there's a million things to do

'Cause there's a million things to do

'Cause there's a million ways to go

'Cause there's a million ways to go

'Cause while the sinners sin

'Cause you can get anything

'Course, I had to make some additions for the new models...

"Are you uncomfortable meeting new people?"

"Can God influence our lives?"

"Did we hold?" I asked the medic.

"Did you enjoy life when you were a child?"

"Do you believe in capital punishment for murder?"

"Do you find the idea of wife swapping distasteful?"

"Do you go to sleep easily?"

"Do you have ups and downs without obvious reason?"

"Do you often get the feeling that perhaps life isn't worth living?"

"Do you remember jokes and take pleasure...

"Do you sometimes have headaches or backaches after a difficult day?"

"Do you think the sexual revolution has gone too far?"

"Do you..."

"Does your personal religion or philosophy include a life after death?"

"Give the nose a treat," I thought.

"Harold loves Maude."

"Have a kind of a... of a olfactory banquet."

"In your opinion, are social affairs usually a waste of time?"

"Is it difficult for you to accept criticism?"

"Is the subject of sex being overexploited...

"Kill! Kill! For Joe...

"O Lord...

"Pray"? No.

"Should sex education be taught outside the home?"

"Should women run for president of the United States?"

"The earth is my body...

"Yes, sir!" he said.

["If You Want To Sing Out, Sing Out]

[Alarm Sounds]

[All] Our Father who art in heaven...

[Bell Tolling]

[Birds Chirping]

[Both] You know that there are

[Chattering, Chuckling]

[Chauffeur Whistling]

[Choking Continues]

[Choking Gasp]

[Chuckles]

[Chuckles] Excuse the mismatched saucers.

[Chuckling] That's you, Harold.

[Clicks]

[Coughing]

[Cries Out]

[Cups Clatter]

[Declaiming] What's here?

[Door Creaking]

[Door Opens, Closes]

[Door Unlocks, Opens]

[Emphatically] No.

[Ends]

[Engine Revving]

[Engine Starts]

[Excited Chuckle] What's hara kiri?

[Footsteps Approaching]

[Footsteps Marching]

[Gasps] Harold!

[Gasps] Look! Oh!

[Gasps] Oh!

[Groaning]

[Groaning]

[Groans]

[Harold Vocalizing]

[Harold] I don't know.

[Harold] Look at these stars.

[Harold] Makes me want to do somersaults.

[Harold] Maude, can you help me?

[Harold] Maude, they're gonna draft me.

[Harold] They'll put me in jail.

[Harold] Yes, sir.

[Harold] You sure have a way with people.

[Hoarsely] I have a sore throat.

[Horn Honking]

[Horns Honking]

[Humming "Greensleeves"]

[Humming]

[Imitating Machine Gun Fire] Only one thing kept going through my mind:

[Inhales Deeply, Exhales Forcefully]

[Man] Hey! Jesus Christ!

[Man] Hup!

[Man] Let us pray to the Lord, king of glory...

[Man] Well, what do you say, Harold?

[Marching Band]

[Maude Chuckles] Well, they're my species.

[Maude Chuckling]

[Maude Humming]

[Maude Humming]

[Maude Humming]

[Maude Vocalizing]

[Maude] A little after dinner liqueur, Harold?

[Maude] Harold?

[Maude] I should like to change into a sunflower most of all.

[Maude] Mm.

[Maude] Mm.

[Maude] Oh!

[Maude] Terrific!

[Maude] There.

[Maude] Well, don't go.

[Maude] Well, historically, you'd be in very good company.

[Maude] Well, with your skill and my experience...

[Maude] What a fuss this is. So unnecessary.

[Moaning]

[Mrs. Chasen] Harold!

[Organ]

[Panicked Gasp] Harold!

[People Cheering]

[People Screaming]

[Psychologist] Harold?

[Sighs] Oh, my.

[Siren Wailing]

[Siren Wailing]

[Siren Wailing]

[Sniffing]

[Snoring]

[Sobbing]

[Sobbing] Oh, my God!

[Sobs] I can't stand much more of this!

[Splash]

[Splash]

[Tarzan Yell]

[Tchaikovsky's Piano Concerto No. 1]

[Tires Screeching]

[Tires Screeching]

[Tires Screeching]

[Tires Screeching]

[Tires Screeching]

[Train Whistles Blowing]

[Victor Imitating Machine Gun Fire] They kept falling. Zock!

[Victor] Good idea comin' out here, Harold.

[Victor] Harold, I want you to look at me like your father in this matter.

[Whispering] Good time to move on, don't you think?

[Whispering] Grab the shovel, Harold!

[Whistling Stops]

[Yelling]