Road Trip (2000) Edit

A chosen one will experience nature's wrath,

A long distance relationship.

About Plato's dialogues of the middle years.

Absolutely not. No way. We're going back.

Actually, I double checked that, professor. He needs a B plus.

Actually, you can. But not till tomorrow.

Add our weight plus cargo, we're talking 2, 100 hundred pounds.

All men are perverted pigs.

All right, has anyone seen Beth? There she is.

All right, so we're driving.

All right. Barry says hi.

All they think about, all they really care about, is sex.

All you ever do is sit in a library

Am I a drug dealer?

Am I in the hospital?

Am I in the hospital?

An understanding as to what exactly constitutes cheating.

Anal?

And be prepared to receive several heavy doses of electric current.

And by 8th grade I was in therapy three times a week.

And eventually what started out as friendship

And first thing tomorrow morning,

And funny and...

And funny and...

And funny and...

And he took off with my sister and my van.

And he's missing.

And here's yours.

And his girlfriend, Tiffany.

And I didn't want to leave this message on your machine.

And I haven't been invited back.

And I know the key to a well rounded college education

And I'm afraid I have some bad news.

And I'm happy to report that he and Beth are still together.

And I'm starting to think you don't like me anymore.

And I'm sure I'll catch you later. But call me back, okay?

And in no way does a sale constitute sexual relations.

And it was one that changed them all forever.

And it would be great if one hour went by

And it's sad

And let's just lay in the indication here and there

And nice

And no messing around, Barry, okay? Just one.

And now he's going to die.

And once again Friday morning.

And put it through your little machine again.

And she asked me to pick up her mail for her.

And she should kiss me.

And she should kiss me.

And since that happened,

And that includes marijuana.

And the scrambled eggs.

And the truth is,

And then if you qualify, you can make a sperm deposit.

And topless.

And topless. And topless.

And we could feed him half now and the other half on Saturday.

And we haven't found a single drop of semen yet.

And we will not hesitate to use it.

And we'll find whoever did this, I promise.

And you charge this frigging meal to that frigging card.

And you need a B on this test just to pass this class.

And you want me to use two fingers?

Any time you pass up sex, you're cheating on yourself.

Anyway, I'm at my parents' house helping my mom out.

Apparently, Rubin is our fraternity brother

Are there any guys out there who are just normal?

Are you going to feed him?

Are you going to pass that doobie or what?

Are you here for the feeding?

Are you ready to collect?

Aren't you even curious where we're going?

As a matter of fact, I would hate a foot massage.

As for E.L.,

As for Rubin...

As we lead future generations of young men and women

As well as all of the assigned readings.

At least admit that Beth is amazing.

Austin.

Austin's in Texas, not Massachusetts.

Backslash...

Bacon. Good for you.

Barry, fast forward to the horny stuff.

Barry's last name is Manilow?

Be a little more assertive.

Be a risk taker.

Because I knew you'd get mad. See, look how mad you are.

Because I was looking over the books last night

Because if you can't really remember it, it never really took place.

Because if you made a copy, we could watch the copy.

Because of you, some guy's life is ruined in Boston.

Because right now we are all about the mission at hand.

Before I have you fill out these forms I need to ask you a few questions,

Before we do that, we must figure out how to get back on the road.

Before you know it, you'll be 40 and having to pay for these kind of girls.

Ben, my girlfriend's paging me. Can we let these people go?

Ben, my girlfriend's paging me. Can we let these people go?

Besides, did Tiffany ever let you videotape her?

Besides, I might need you around next semester.

Besides, we were in different area codes.

Besides...

Beth is like an angel.

Beth.

Beth.

Better make it 75.

Better make it three.

Bite him.

Blossomed into some serious French kissing and lots of heavy petting.

Bob Hope could jump this in a golf cart.

Bomb threat is serious business. It's a felony. Here, take my card.

Boston.

Bullshit, junior. He's coming with me.

But after high school, they faced their most challenging challenge ever,

But also completely undetectable by any of today's standard drug tests.

But back to our story.

But by now you're probably a little worried, so...

But do you have any marijuana I could buy from you?

But don't be scared.

But I am getting a little worried, so call when you can, okay?

But I hear it's still real nice.

But I just, I couldn't help but notice that.

But I need to tell you something.

But I promise I will explain everything when I get back.

But I watch Oprah Winfrey every day.

But it's definitely something you should hear.

But that was years ago.

But that's over now. She blew me off.

But the fact of the matter is,

But the salmon can only say

But they made a pact, a promise to stay true to each other,

But what am I supposed to do now... I mean, he's gone...

But you don't want a whole bunch of color there,

But, thanks to a certain someone, me,

By the way, Cheech.

Bye, it was great to see you.

Bye. I love you.

Call me, okay? Bye.

Call your dad?

Called in a bomb threat.

Can I drop a mouse in?

Can I hear a $5 opening bid for the beautiful Beth Wagner?

Can we please feed him now?

Can we please stop soon? I need to use the bathroom.

Can you go outbid him?

Carla, hi. It's Josh.

Cheers.

Come here.

Come in around me, everyone.

Come on, Kyle. It'll be fun.

Come on, Mitch.

Come on, out with it.

Come on, Susie.

Come on, you're going with me. Outside, in the car.

Come on.

Come on.

Come on. It'll be fun.

Come on. You going to fucking eat him?

Come with us.

Confront him and his little girlfriend.

Could we just sit down for a minute?

Could you please not feed my dog?

Could you turn around and drop your pants,

Dad, this is Rhonda.

Damn it!

Damn, dude, she is hot.

Deal with it.

Despite his swinging philosophy on sexuality,

Dick.

Did you kill a cheetah?

Did you make a copy?

Do I know you?

Do I?

Do it now.

Do not get your hopes up about visiting Graceland,

Do you feel better yet?

Do you have anything with Asian women?

Do you have money for a ticket? I don't.

Do you know Tiffany Henderson?

Do you know what I mean?

Do you need some help?

Do you need some special attention?

Do you need something?

Doesn't matter, though, because Josh won't be back next semester.

Don't answer it.

Don't give me any attitude, son.

Don't look at me, Kyle, okay? I didn't make up the rules.

Don't roll your eyes at me.

Don't worry. Her mail will be here,

Don't you want to experience something new?

Don't you want to experience something new?

Doobie?

E.L., get out of my car.

E.L., no.

Each semester, you'll be expected to volunteer

Earl, Cookie, we have a situation.

Eat him.

Eat me. Eat me. Eat me.

Eight years.

Eighteen hundred.

Engines have rotator splints?

Enough.

Episode Two slash spoilers,

Eventually he tried organizing a mass suicide.

Everyone knows that.

Everyone,

Everyone, back inside.

Exactly what it means to be in the lower region

Exactly.

Excuse me?

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Face to face... You totally should.

False alarm, people.

Fifteen dollars.

Fifteen dollars.

Fine.

Fire away.

Five days. Well, I think we can work that out.

Five dollars right here.

For some experimental testing.

Forget tonight. Come over now.

Forward into the new century.

Four!

Freeze right now. Everybody, freeze.

Freeze right there. Don't move.

French toast, no sugar. All right?

French toast.

From inside your rectum.

From our lthaca chapter.

Fuck!

Get off of me.

Get where? Austin?

Girls just don't stand around naked.

Give him one tomorrow.

Give it to me. No, give it to me.

Go ahead, laugh. Laugh all you want.

Go away! Go away!

God, no, no! You don't want...

Goddamn Viagra gets my heart racing like a lab rat.

Going once, going twice...

Going twice.

Good God, moneybags, she's not a Happy Meal.

Good guess.

Good morning, everyone

Good morning, everyone How are you and you and you?

Good morning.

Good thing is, there's no evidence of a struggle.

Good, that's the plan.

Good?

Goodbye.

Great. I'm going to bet money on something you can't prove.

Have any of you had sex or masturbated in the past 24 hours?

Have you seen Josh?

Having a smoke?

He brought his new girlfriend home to meet his parents.

He doesn't.

He got pretty serious with some girl he met.

He is such an asshole.

He left school.

He really is going to kill me when he finds out about that car.

He started it all.

He was just calling to confirm the date of the exam.

He was named High Times' Man of the Year.

He went on to become the leader of some cult out in lowa.

He went to visit his girlfriend.

He'll actually start digesting you while you're still alive.

He'll get over it. Besides, that car sucked, anyways.

He's about to flunk philosophy.

He's been cheating on her.

He's coming with us.

He's going to squeeze.

He's got a point.

He's probably jacking off.

He's such an idiot.

He's tasty, Mitch.

He's tasty.

Hello?

Hello. This is an emergency. We need this stuff.

Help me out with a little

Here, let me show you.

Hey, can I feed Mitch?

Hey, don't be crazy.

Hey, guys.

Hey, Jack, have that bitch make me some blueberry pancakes right now.

Hey, look.

Hey, Mitch. What are you doing? Are you hungry?

Hey, now I'm snappy Got my mojo track

Hey, old man.

Hey, Tif. It's me coming to you live from Ithaca, New York.

Hey, you do realize this is a national black fraternity?

Hi, Dad. Merry Christmas.

Hi, how can I help you?

Hi, Josh. It's Tiffany.

Hi, professor. It's Josh Parker.

Hi. Can I help you?

Hi. I'm visiting my friend from home, although she doesn't know I'm coming.

His name is Barry Manilow?

Hit the lights. It's boner time.

Hold on.

Hold on.

Hold that thought.

Honey, face it. We are all used!

Honey, look.

Honey, the last time I trusted a man was back in 1985,

How about an extra three days?

How about you?

How can I help you?

How come she gets to see the tape and we don't?

How long have you been going to school here?

How sad. Do you have the key?

How would that sound? Would that work?

I actually thought he liked me.

I admit it. She's amazing. She's perfect, all right.

I am glad to see you, but...

I boinked her.

I can just tell you like him, that's all.

I can't believe he just lied to my face like that.

I can't really talk about it right now.

I can't sleep either.

I can't. It's my dad's. It's for emergencies only.

I could not be allowed back next semester.

I could teach Japanese to a monkey in 46 hours.

I could teach you ancient philosophy in 46 hours.

I didn't lie.

I don't even want to know how you got this.

I don't exactly know what I'm...

I don't have time to be walking through the woods right now!

I don't know.

I don't know. Do I seem happy this morning?

I don't know. It's just a feeling.

I don't think I'll ever be able to trust a guy.

I don't think so.

I don't think so.

I don't think you guys heard me.

I feel a little bit better. Yeah, a little.

I give us about 20 minutes before our first ass raping.

I got a girl

I got carried away with the story.

I got the fucking munchies real bad.

I got to get going, though. Okay?

I got to make a call.

I guess I just thought Josh was different.

I guess it's my dad. He's like, strict.

I had to take two birth control pills this morning.

I have an idea.

I have this thing for Asian chicks, and there seem to be none in this binder.

I have to admit, I love you in that uniform.

I haven't been there in a long time.

I haven't talked to you in a few days,

I just miss you. That's all.

I just said 30.

I just wanted to add something before I sent this video off.

I knew you'd come back.

I know guys can be jerks.

I know, because I bought some of it on eBay.

I know. I know, believe me, I've tried.

I mean, I feel like we had a connection.

I mean, that was really great.

I mean, we can just talk.

I mean, you're not like most of the girls I know.

I might lose my financial aid.

I miss you too, but it's crazy for you to drive here because you miss me.

I must live.

I never really liked Massachusetts.

I never said anything about the wheels staying on.

I only said we'd make it across.

I prefer yellow.

I promise.

I ran it through three times, sir. It keeps telling me you're over your limit.

I realized a few things this past week, you know?

I really do need to go to the bathroom.

I said, You shut up.

I saw you hitting on Beth.

I say we get the hell out of here.

I see most of you speak English already, so we can skip that one.

I set the guys up at my grandparents' house for a place to crash.

I should really warn you, it's been known

I stole it from a blind chick.

I take it you don't have a condom.

I think I love you.

I think I'll pass.

I think so.

I think the tape must be rewound.

I think you'll find everything you need right here in these binders.

I thought they broke up.

I thought you had class now.

I thought you should know.

I want to rock

I was just finishing my tape to Tiffany.

I was just sitting behind my desk.

I was sent over here to check out bus 111

I wasn't going to let Jacob get you kicked out of school.

I wasn't kidnapped. These are my friends from school.

I wish I was your dick, E.L., because this is torture.

I'd appreciate it if you'd return those to the front desk after you're finished.

I'd just like to say thank you.

I'd say somebody was ****d and murdered here last night.

I'd say we're officially in no man's land.

I'll be okay, I just need some time.

I'll call you as soon as I get back.

I'll call you Monday when I'm back at school.

I'll give you a good tour today. Show you as much as you need to know.

I'll go take care of this.

I'll see you guys later?

I'll see you tonight.

I'll tell Barry you said hello.

I'll tell you what, fellas.

I'm a Xi Chi brother from the lthaca University chapter.

I'm actually glad you called, because I wanted to tell you something.

I'm Beth.

I'm Beth.

I'm driving.

I'm going back with these guys.

I'm going to feed the snake.

I'm going to give it back. Probably.

I'm going to interview you.

I'm going to perform a procedure on you called milking the prostate.

I'm in kind of a bind.

I'm invested in this relationship.

I'm just glad you're not hurt.

I'm kidding, Kyle. We'll stop.

I'm not hooking up with anyone. I made a commitment to Tiffany.

I'm not lying.

I'm not mad!

I'm not sure what's going on between us,

I'm serious.

I'm serious. I can't die young.

I'm so sorry.

I'm sorry to bother you again. Is Tiffany around?

I'm sorry, but

I'm sorry, but we need your help.

I'm sorry, but you need the key.

I'm sorry, do you need to get that?

I'm sorry. I don't think about that kind of stuff.

I'm totally screwed!

I'm...

I've always wanted to try this.

I've had problems with stragglers before, okay?

I've tried calling you a few times but no one picked up

If I don't speak with you,

If it was easy, it would just be the way.

If she wanted to talk to you

If something doesn't happen soon, I'll pack up my balls and leave.

If we hit this thing at 50 miles per hour,

If we turn around we'll lose five hours just backtracking.

If you don't get back, you fail.

If you hear anything, give me a call.

If you overfeed him, he could die.

In 6th grade, I got so worried about the escalating situation in Iraq

In all its fury.

In fact, they have about 70 hours of unedited amateur video.

In most men's eyes we are just flesh!

Invested? Who are you, Charles Schwab?

Is experimentation.

Is getting smaller by the day.

Is getting smaller by the day.

Is it good?

Is something wrong?

Is that understood?

Is there anything else I can help you with?

Is there something between us?

Is this going to work?

Is this philosophy?

Is this the kind of shit you've been sending Tiffany?

Isn't he just the cutest little thing?

It ain't easy being Josh's penis.

It can be done.

It is not cheating.

It is sick. Think about it, okay? If they had it their way...

It just doesn't make any...

It says 1951.

It should be special.

It was a joke, outtie. A joke.

It was a killer journey to say the least,

It was built in the 1600s.

It was in the glove compartment and that was stolen, too.

It was Sunday morning back in lthaca,

It will be entirely essay form, so bring legal pads.

It works like a charm.

It wouldn't be cheating because they would cancel each other out.

It'd be the best thing that ever happened to you.

It'll be a quick death.

It'll be fine. It's just the wheels.

It'll be worth it.

It's 10 feet.

It's a lot of fun.

It's a sign, Josh.

It's a tape.

It's about this guy I knew, Josh Parker,

It's all essays and stuff. If I fail this class, my average is shot.

It's an anally induced ejaculation.

It's Barry.

It's been a really weird week.

It's been blown to bits. We checked with the university,

It's Beth.

It's easier on the eyes.

It's for you.

It's going to be a bloodbath.

It's going to be okay.

It's going to be okay. I'll find him.

It's good.

It's great, Professor. See you soon.

It's Josh and Rubin. Leave a message.

It's just some girl I used to date since I was, like, five.

It's never cheating when you're in a different area code.

It's none of your business, Jacob.

It's not cheating if you let your dog lick peanut butter off your testicles.

It's not cheating.

It's not like that, you see.

It's not like that. I've known her my whole life.

It's not pretty when it happens.

It's not till tomorrow.

It's pathetic.

It's pretty wild.

It's ridiculous.

It's supposed to be a challenge. That's why they call it a shortcut.

Jack, Barry's friends are here. Come say hi.

Jack, they're here.

Jacob lied to you. There's no extension on your midterm.

Jacob, do you have anything to add?

Jared's still in Aliquippa. I take it he called you from there.

Jared's still in Aliquippa. I take it he called you from there.

Jeez, you have to stand up for yourself every once in a while.

Josh and Tiffany were always together from when they were really little.

Josh likes you. It's disgusting.

Josh, please. We need this.

Josh, you have your entire life to live up at school.

Just a minute.

Just a reminder. The midterm will cover all of the in class lectures

Just fly.

Just relax.

Just where you think you'll be happy with shadow.

Just, you know, look away. Go have an Eskimo Pie or something.

Justice.

Kill him.

Kind of cool.

Kyle and his father reconciled their differences.

Kyle, come here for a second.

Kyle, in the car. Come on.

Leave a message.

Let me ask you once more. Have you seen my son?

Let me get up and I'll give you guys the full tour.

Let me see it. Just let me see it.

Let me take this back and bring you out a new piece.

Let's blow this class off.

Let's go, Kyle. We want details. What happened?

Let's introduce you to our first person. Laura!

Let's not make a big deal out of it, okay?

Let's see.

Let's see.

Like I said, they were on a race against time.

Like, okay.

Listen to the man before you get some Jackie Chan happening on your face.

Listen, apparently we've interrupted your dinner, so we're just going to...

Listen, guys.

Listen, Jacob's here, and he's a total psycho.

Listen, my grandfather passed away.

Look at all this mail you got.

Look at me. I'm a mouse. Eat me. Eat me.

Look at that. You can see my bum.

Look how many nice people care about you.

Look, I can spit across this gap.

Look, it's obvious.

Loser. You always have sex with a girl one last time before you break up.

Maim him.

Make it? You mean jump it?

Manilow?

Maybe even a place to crash.

Maybe I should watch this on my own.

Maybe I'll show you what we call the guest room. Follow me, boys.

Maybe it's because I had the best time of my life last night,

Maybe take the midterm a couple days later?

Maybe we could cut a mouse in half

Maybe we should turn around and go back to the interstate.

Maybe you could roll that up and smoke it.

Me! Right here!

Meet new people

Merry Christmas, Dad.

Mitch is going to bite into you.

Mitch needs an evenly distributed 85 degrees to survive.

Mom?

Mom?

Mother of God.

Mr. Earl Edwards? I'm sorry, sir. This card's over its limit.

My father is going to kill me when he finds out about this.

My friends and I were passing through, looking for a place to party,

My midterm starts in exactly 46 hours, so I got to get back.

Naked. Really naked.

Named Tiffany

Next.

No

No blood or clothing, anything like that.

No one forced you to come.

No one is going anywhere.

No one told me there was going to be this much reading involved.

No one's asking you to do anything wrong here, man.

No way. Absolutely not.

No way. You're lying.

No, I didn't. Give me that.

No, I didn't. I said Austin.

No, I would not like a foot massage.

No, I'm checking the temperature inside of his cage.

No, I'm kidding.

No, I've never seen that before in my life.

No, it's nothing.

No, we don't know. Tell us.

No, we've always liked you.

No, you don't. Actually, I know your boyfriend.

No, you guys.

No? Okay, that's okay. Thanks.

No.

No.

No.

No. I am not. Thank you for asking, though.

No. I guess I'm all out.

No. Not really.

No. Sure don't.

No. This is legit. I've actually read an article about this.

No. What he's trying to say is,

Not a good idea. She's spoken for.

Not really.

Nothing.

Now that you mention it, there were a few guys in here.

Now you go fix that little toy back there,

Now, be honest, because if you don't tell the truth,

Now, I want you two to kiss each other.

Now, this will all be on next week's midterm

Of course I'm sure. With physics I'm always sure.

Of course it's going to work. I know the handshake and everything.

Of nature's food chain.

Of some little shadow areas.

Oh, bullcrap! This is ridiculous!

Oh, come on, now.

Oh, come on.

Oh, fuck!

Oh, God, I don't even wanna know what would happen if they had it their way.

Oh, God, where is it?

Oh, hey, fellas.

Oh, honey, careful. Your boner.

Oh, I'm sorry. Look at that.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my goodness. Look at you boys.

Oh, no. Oh, no!

Oh, no. Oh, no.

Oh, no. You don't understand. He's obsessed with me.

Oh, poor baby.

Oh, that was Josh Parker.

Oh, there's hope, but it comes with batteries.

Oh, yeah. It works.

Okay, bye.

Okay, call you back.

Okay, can anyone beat 26 dollars?

Okay, everybody good?

Okay, everyone, freeze.

Okay, go, then.

Okay, great.

Okay, great.

Okay, I'm sorry. Relax.

Okay, I've got one. Are you ready?

Okay, let's start the opening bidding at five dollars.

Okay, listen. Seriously, you can never tell anyone you saw this.

Okay, look, some people are here and they are being very rude.

Okay, no problem. You've been more than helpful.

Okay, relax. Okay? They're just messing with us.

Okay, thanks.

Okay, Tiffany, it's time to stop being so sad.

Okay, we got 15. Who can beat 15? Going once.

Okay, we're going to the University of Austin.

Okay, you first.

Okay? I'm reliable. Okay?

Okay. All done.

Okay. Bye.

Okay. Goodbye.

Okay. Who are you?

Okay... Show her what an asshole Josh is.

On the exam? Pretty good, actually.

Once when Tiffany was ten years old, she had her tonsils taken out.

One of them was in here trying to score drugs.

Or if you're too wasted to remember,

Or maybe we can off someone for you. How's that sound?

Or you can just give us the car, Kyle.

Our car exploded last night and I'm practically all out of my own.

Our car exploded. Yeah. I could be dead right now.

Our selection's rather limited. You're going to have to make do.

Our trajectory will clear 10 feet. Easy.

Over there is the department of English.

People have been telling me that my whole life, believe it or not.

Perhaps you'd like an 11 year old prostitute.

Please, Mitch. Go get him, boy. He's right there.

Please. No interruptions. Okay?

Please. Thank you. This is delicious.

Plus a whole lot more, actually.

Professional assistance.

Put both hands flat on the table?

Put the weapon down now.

Racist?

Really?

Really. I promise.

Relax, baby. Let Rhonda handle this.

Remember how he always claimed that he was destined for great things?

Remember Rubin?

Rhonda, this is my father, Earl.

Right there!

Right.

Right.

Right. Sorry.

Right. The tape.

Road trip.

Room 109.

Rotator splint.

Rubin used cross pollination to develop a strain of marijuana,

Rules are rules.

Say hi, Beth.

See, all my notes and books were destroyed.

See, he thinks that he has an extension on the midterm,

See, I'm marking it down right now.

See, while Josh was enrolled here at the wonderful University of lthaca,

See? It's fun, right?

She didn't sleep here last night again

She gets back there Monday. That leaves me three days to get there.

She likes the outdoors and she loves good seafood.

She needs something. This is an emergency.

She runs good now, but not for long.

She should be attractive

She should be smart

She should be smart,

She shouldn't stop kissing me. Why don't you keep doing that?

She'd call you.

She'll come back to me. They always do.

She's here to help you change your life.

She's my best friend.

She's really a wreck.

Shit.

Should we open it and see what he sent?

Shut up, all right?

Sick!

Since we didn't get to see the tape, can you at least describe it to us?

So anyway, Josh got a B plus on his midterm. He got to stay in college.

So anyway, without further ado,

So don't go spending all your cash on needles and guns just yet.

So first off, have any of you done any drugs in the past 36 hours?

So give me a call as soon as you can, okay? I miss you.

So how was your little getaway with Josh?

So how'd you do?

So I did good, right?

So I suggest you read up on it.

So I was wondering if it was possible to get a little extension.

So if you ask me why I like the way I play it

So there's no hope, huh?

So this auction is for students only.

So this other girl walks up, totally hot. Okay?

So we'll look over here now...

So we'll stop in a couple hours.

So what are we going to do?

So what? Besides, what's the difference?

So you have a thing for that guy now, is that it?

So you screwed up. Big deal, man. People make mistakes.

So, Mr. Parker.

So, what do we do now?

So?

Socrates, he was like the Vince McMahon of philosophy.

Sold to the captain.

Sold, to my man Josh for $26.

Somebody's going to die tomorrow.

Someone's got some serious explaining to do.

Something about Josh. He's just different.

Something is wrong.

Something tells me the people of Earth are going to need me.

Something tells me the people of Earth are going to need me.

Sorry we haven't spoken.

Sorry, Mitch only eats once a week, on Saturdays.

Sorry, this isn't Peep World.

Still trying to get ahold of you. Everything's cool, though.

Stolen?

Stop it.

Stop. Okay, keep doing it. Yeah!

Strongly considers becoming part of the lthaca tradition,

Studying a lot. I'm starting to question this whole college thing.

Such a worrier.

Sure. Yes, it sounds like an emergency.

Sweetie, listen to me, okay?

Take him out for breakfast or something.

Take your situation, for example.

Technically.

Tell me not to play

Tell me you mailed the Beth tape to Tiffany.

Tell you what. Stay here.

Ten dollars.

Thank you so much.

Thank you, Jacob. And see you all next week for the midterm.

Thank you! Yes!

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thanks for calling.

Thanks for doing that. I owe you one.

Thanks, I had a great time. Take care. Stay cool.

Thanks.

That can't be the whole story. What happened with the tape?

That could turn into a debilitating phobia.

That credit card you guys gave me last night was maxed out,

That helped a lot.

That is not only remarkably potent,

That is not ours.

That makes no sense.

That sounds like a really good plan except for one little thing.

That they put me on an adult dosage of Xanax.

That was awesome.

That was before they started making that minivan crap.

That's a nice guy.

That's because he's probably never been anywhere else.

That's good, too.

That's good, too.

That's her boyfriend.

That's hilarious.

That's insane.

That's it? This story sucks.

That's like 10,000 miles from here.

That's not fair.

That's really, really uncool.

That's right. It was stolen. Tell him, Kyle. Wasn't it?

That's right. One of you is marked for death.

That's the address. Okay? Wise ass.

That's the coolest thing anyone's ever done for me.

That's the end of the tour.

That's the psychology department.

That's you.

The boys are here.

The chimpanzee says

The end.

The factory weight of the car is 1,600 pounds.

The friendly owl says

The guest room, if you please.

The minute I think I feel something for someone,

The moment I saw you out there, I thought you were incredible.

The mynah bird says

The police have found Kyle's car abandoned in Bedford, Pennsylvania.

The real reason I drove down here...

The University of Boston in Massachusetts.

The window of opportunity to drink and do drugs and take advantage of girls

The window of opportunity to go out and have fun and

Then explain to me how the frigging car got blown to hell.

Then there's Kyle.

There must be someone who can beat $26.

There you are.

There you are. I thought we lost you there for a minute.

There you go.

There you go.

There's a brown box full of mice next to his cage.

There's a whole bunch of them. They're like loopholes.

There's obviously some explanation for this.

There's only one thing I can say to you

These are his friends.

These guys jumped me.

These too.

They did everything as a team.

They had 1,800 miles to go and only three days to do it.

They just turn around and screw me over.

They know you're not a member.

They made two calls to Austin, Texas. Maybe they went there.

They spent so much time together that even their dogs started dating.

They were best friends.

They were messing with us, Kyle. It was a joke.

They're all the same.

They're specially trained. So please leave him alone.

They're still really into making their home movies.

They're watching us right now.

Think about it, Josh. You're in college.

This has powdered sugar on it, and I ordered no sugar.

This here is pepper spray

This incline here is 30 degrees roughly, right?

This is an auction. Now, remember.

This is impossible.

This is my car and we're not going to be jumping over any rivers.

This is my story, okay? Do you want to hear it or not?

This is really hard for me,

This is Rubin.

This is sort of an unusual question,

This is the main area of the university. You'll be getting used to this area.

This is the setting for the greatest story ever told. Okay?

This is the worst tour ever.

This is your chance to do something for once.

This is, by the way, the Joseph H. Nelson Memorial Library here, okay?

This isn't healthy.

This University of lthaca is the coolest place in the world.

This will save us five hours minimum. You can thank me later.

This'll definitely cheer you up.

Those are the only words you're allowed to say, okay?

Three dollars and fifty cents.

Tif, it's me again. Just wondering where you are.

Tiffany and Carla can't come to the phone right now.

Tiffany Henderson.

Tiffany is not here.

Tiffany, what the hell are you doing?

Tiffany?

Tiffany.

Tiffany.

Tiny salmon chasing that impossible dream

Tits and ass.

To affect your decision making abilities and lower your inhibitions.

To talk every day and maintain an exclusive relationship.

Trust me. I've been going to this school for seven years.

Turn around? Why? Because of this?

Turn it down, you say

Twenty five.

Twenty six.

Twenty.

Twice and once this morning.

Unleash the fury, Mitch.

Unleash the fury!

Unleash the fury.

Use your other arm.

Wait a second.

Wait up a second.

Wait, let me at least go back and call my dad.

Wait, they were in the car that blew up. That's right.

Wait, wait. Don't you want to hear mine?

Wait. Wait, does that work?

We all drove down here together.

We almost died in that explosion.

We can do that.

We can make it.

We need to put this on your credit card.

We shouldn't be going to sleep right now.

We were together Thursday night,

We'll give you the cash when we get back.

We'll go 60 just to be certain.

We'll probably lose half a day at most.

We'll start the tour by me showing you where you're going to sleep.

We're a little short on cash right now.

We're all going to see it sooner or later.

We're going back.

We're going to call a tow truck. We'll have the axles fixed.

We're going to do this thing.

We're going to have to be more careful.

We're having a good time.

We're not leaving without that mail.

We're okay.

We're out of money.

We're touching.

We've been coming here for 20 years!

We've been here over two months, and I feel like I'm in a coma.

We've been on this road for over an hour.

We've been together forever.

We've never been a couple, and we will never be one.

We've never gone this long without talking.

Weed is the only thing that could ever balance me out.

Welcome to the University of lthaca. This is it right here.

Well,

Well,

Well,

Well, afterwards everyone else just kind of changed their minds.

Well, all I got to say to you is time and time again, I say no

Well, all I got to say to you when you tell me not to play I say no

Well, he was right.

Well, her grandfather died

Well, I am pretty upset.

Well, I guess I'm out, because I had sex last night,

Well, I think that's kind of cool.

Well, I was 14 and you were away at camp.

Well, I was in a car accident, sir.

Well, I've never been here before. I don't know where she lives.

Well, it's not a big deal, but you need the key.

Well, Kyle, I certainly hope you got all the boinking out of your system,

Well, Lawrence probably has some. Why don't you try that drawer.

Well, let's see.

Well, let's see. She should be smart

Well, no.

Well, now I am. So leave me alone, you jerk.

Well, pop it in.

Well, see...

Well, she didn't bring it to the funeral, so I was hoping that you could...

Well, that's not true. You just run along

Well, there are these rules that guys have,

Well, we had a few drinks, danced a little and you know.

Well, what do you want me to do? Cut it off?

Well, you better be ready

Well, you're bouncing around here like you're Richard fucking Simmons.

Well, you're fucked, then.

Well...

Were you surprised?

What about the damn credit card?

What are you guys doing here? Are you in the Ku Klux Klan?

What are you so happy about?

What are you talking about?

What are you talking about?

What are you talking about?

What did he want?

What did I tell you?

What do you look for in a girl?

What do you look for in a girl?

What do you look for in a girl?

What do you mean, because of me?

What do you mean, Pretty much the only guy?

What do you say?

What do you think, little man?

What else do you look for?

What else do you look for?

What else?

What I'm doing and...

What is my reason for living?

What is that supposed to mean?

What little thing?

What now?

What the hell are we going to do now?

What the hell did you just say to me?

What the hell gives you that idea?

What the hell is that?

What the... What's going on?

What time is it? Oh, shit. Can you do me a favor?

What was that all about? Josh, what are you doing here?

What was the Twenty Man Battle Royal?

What?

What?

What?

What?

What? I'm great with old people.

What? No, these are her underwear. She gave them to me.

What? What is that?

What's going on with this bomb threat?

What's her name? I can look it up in the student directory.

What's up?

What's your deal, anyways? Why are you so worried all the time?

When I was seven, I set their dog on fire,

When it's your turn, remember to wear loose clothes, no metal,

When Josh finds out about this, he's going to freak.

When things suddenly took an unexpected turn.

When this is done rewinding, will you drop it in the mail for me?

When you didn't call.

Where are my books and possessions? Because I can't...

Where did he go?

Wherever he went, he went because of you.

Who are you?

Who could beat 25? Going once. Going twice...

Who is this?

Who was kidnapped?

Who was that?

Who's Beth?

Who's calling?

Who's got 15? Fifteen bucks for a lovely evening with Laura.

Who's that guy?

Why didn't you tell us where you were?

Why don't we start small.

Why don't you each take a cup.

Why don't you shut up?

Why, you ungrateful little...

Why? I thought you'd be glad to see me.

Why'd you lie to me?

With a girl.

With me.

Would you like a foot massage?

Would you like a fresh towel?

Would you listen to yourself?

Would you listen to yourself?

Wow, this is cool.

WWW dot

Yeah, come on, Tif. Let's open it.

Yeah, cool stuff happens here.

Yeah, he's right here.

Yeah, hello, Josh. What can I do for you?

Yeah, I get it. Sure, put a Klan hood in my bag.

Yeah, okay, I'll do that.

Yeah, right. We all must live.

Yeah, she found someone else, just like you should do.

Yeah, that would be fantastic. Are you sure?

Yeah, there is. You see, your boy here's an evil bigot,

Yeah, they do. Okay?

Yeah, wait. Did you just say the word boinked?

Yeah, you did. I mailed it this morning.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah. I mean, you should hold out.

Yeah. I'm Rubin Carver.

Yeah. Look what we found in this guy's duffle bag.

Yeah. Pretty much.

Yeah. Sorry. Tonight.

Yeah. That's what I said.

Yes, I do.

Yes, sir.

You are a psycho.

You are buying her company.

You better eat him, Mitch, before I do.

You boys be good, now.

You can keep that.

You can't feed Seeing Eye dogs treats like that.

You can't make out with someone then pretend that you had sex with them.

You can't rent a car without a credit card. You just can't.

You did?

You did?

You did?

You do?

You don't have to get all scientific on me, baby.

You don't seem to know anything about it here.

You don't seem to understand me.

You even got a package from Josh.

You guys are just saying that because you want my car.

You guys are more than welcome to stay.

You guys broke up, then you hugged and then you left?

You guys do good, okay?

You have another card, I'd be happy...

You have the most beautiful feet.

You heard me. I bid $30 loud and clear.

You know this. You'll be fine.

You know we need to hit 60, right?

You know what your problem is?

You know what?

You know what? I didn't bring that much money with me.

You know what? I've been thinking a lot about us, too.

You know, actually, I don't have to go yet,

You know, this food's actually pretty good.

You know? Like...

You mean Boston, Massachusetts?

You mean never? Not even once?

You need to stop all this, okay? You and I, we're not a couple.

You owe me more than one.

You pass this up, it'll haunt you for the rest of your days.

You passed out.

You remember this kid?

You said Boston.

You seem to be having problems with the...

You should come back.

You should go to Boston and bust his ass.

You should look into that.

You shouldn't.

You shut your mouth and you don't talk back to me.

You sure you don't want to come with us?

You told me that Josh went to Boston.

You videotaped it.

You want to bet?

You want to go?

You want to help me study again tonight?

You were amazing last night. I never ever came like that before.

You were sleeping with two girls at the same time.

You weren't back in time for the exam, so I

You'll feel strong pressure on the prostate gland

You're about to experience firsthand

You're absolutely right. I'll tell you what.

You're all brains. Not enough cock and balls.

You're already cheating.

You're coming?

You're early.

You're not buying the girl.

You're so right. I feel so used.

You're welcome.

You've never left this town, have you?

Your boyfriend's cheating on you,

1600s?

About how many were there? I don't know. A few.

All right. There you go. Thanks, man.

Aren't you glad I called? Yes, thank you, Beth.

Because it's your dog. Jesus Christ.

Because you're a TA. So?

Come on, fellows. Let's go right now. That means now, asshole.

Come on. Seriously.

Dad? That's your dad?

Did you bring some cash? Why?

Do I hear ten? Ten bucks.

Excuse me. Just a minute.

Five dollars. Okay, we've got five.

Give me the tape. Come on, Josh.

Grandmas love me. Wait a minute. Wait, wait.

Hello. Professor Anderson?

Hey, baby. Oh, my God.

How's it going? Wait.

I believe she was premed. Did I say two?

I didn't. You did so.

I need a wine cooler. Hey, have mine.

I said I didn't want to know. What?

I said I didn't want to know. What?

I thought I asked you to mail this. But I miss you.

I wasn't with Josh. Sure.

I'll see you in the fall. Definitely. Thanks. Okay. Thank you.

I'm not having this conversation again. What conversation?

I'm not pretending. Forget it!

I'm trying. This car sucks. Stop!

It is? Come on, Josh.

It's a good idea. I like him.

It's a good idea. I like him.

It's a surprise. Oh, how nice.

Just copy off someone. I can't.

Let me warm that up for you. Thank you.

Let's do it. Trust me, Kyle. It's science.

Like what? Like we're in college.

No problem. Just leave it there. Thanks, man.

No way. This is amazing. I was kidding. Give it back to me.

No, it was good. It was fun. Thank you so much.

Oh, my God. No, I'm okay.

Oh, no problem. Thanks a lot.

Okay. Yeah. You can count on me.

Seven. Seven, here we go.

Sorry about that. Oh, no problem. Thank you.

This is great. Like this? Exactly.

Twenty six going once. Thirty.

We're not going back. We're not going back. Have some faith.

We've got chicks for sale. What?

Well? Nothing yet.

What a bitch! Does she sound hot?

What the hell is this? Rubin, I can see myself on the TV.

What? He tried to trick you.

What? Kyle!

What's going on? Not much.

What's going on? Oh, not much.

What's up, guys? Not much.

What's wrong? Oh, God.

Where have you been? Nowhere.

Which class was it? Ancient philosophy.

Who can beat five? Six.

Who's my bitch? What?

Why would you send this to me? So, wait.

Yes! Shit!

You can? Yeah.

You going to E.L.'s tonight? Yeah, I'll be there.

You know, because it's your dog. We got it.

You like pro wrestling, don't you? Who doesn't?

You? Nothing.

You're a real woman. That's fine.

You're a wrestler? You bet, Mary.

Your bid didn't count. Why?

Your French toast'll be up in a minute. Okay, thank you.

'cause we got a lot of driving to do today, guys.