The Detour - Season 1 Edit

A about whether or not I wanted to take a a trip to the...

A bikini? I said maybe you'd be more comfortable

A candy bar?

A complete person.

A drop? I'm picking up a package from Vanessa.

A fat douche all day?

A few womanly essentials.

A Fonzie. The... the Fonz. You just did it.

A hole. "Hole" is great. "Hole" doesn't involve you...

A lion?

A man with Parkinson's carved up my arm because of her.

A murderer just walked in here.

A murderer?

A piece of paper isn't the important thing.

A promise that we made to each other,

A thorough internal investigation

A very wise man once told me,

A way to not go through Pennsylvania.

A.K.A. Robin Rabinowitz,

A.K.A.. Regina Alberta,

A.K.A.. Virginia Montana,

A.K.A.. Virginia Rabinowitz,

A.K.A.., A.K.A.., A.K.A..

A.M.A. put out a scathing report on it.

Aah!

Aah!

Aah!

Aah!

Aah!

Aah!

Aah! Aah!

Aah! Aha!

Aah! Oh, shit!

Aah! Oh!

Aah! Shit!

Aah! That's so hard!

About doing good journalism stuff.

About such a big, life changing moment.

About this pulling of the trigger.

About whether or not I was gonna keep you.

Absolutely insane!

Absolutely not. They're trivializing murder.

According to the ancient laws of ******* mysticism,

Actually, I think she works over at Chubby's now.

Actually, um, sweetie, the reason

Adrian P. says the cherries are poppin'.

After everything we've been through,

After six glorious hours

Against them? Forget about it. They were shot.

Ah, forever the Godot. Felt, never seen.

Ah, I got no bars. Neither do I.

Ah, yeah, really hot

Ah!

Ah. Good guy, bad guy, it's all perception.

Ahh.

Ahh. Jesus.

All I feel is the hollow corporate bullshit.

All I have to do is sign a piece of paper.

All I'm saying is that sometimes maybe you forget details,

All of your Aztec dancers are white.

All right, are we ready to play?

All right, back away, everybody. I got the last one.

All right, buddy, just move out of the way.

All right, by the power vested in me

All right, come on no. Let's get some.

All right, Delilah, keep an eye out

All right, guys, let's saddle up, huh?

All right, guys, we're getting the hell out of here.

All right, here we go, here we go, here we go, here we go

All right, I need you to tell me everything.

All right, I'm done with this.

All right, I'm gonna ask you a favor.

All right, kids, listen to me. Listen to me

All right, kids... You know what?

All right, listen to me,

All right, look, I think you are smokin' hot,

All right, no more dicking around.

All right, what was in the bag?

All right, what's better...

All right, you want somebody?

All right!

All right!

All right! What's happening here?

All right? Nate Parker stock is going through the roof,

All right. Ha ha.

All right. Hey!

All right. Innovation. Technology. Cleanliness.

All right. Okay. I'll be home soon.

All right. Okay. I'm not a Magnum.

All right. Yes. I'm sorry.

All the empirical scientific proof

All the time worrying, "does he love me? Do I love him?"

All this uncertainty has been hard on her.

All yours

Although I've only officially been a minister for two days,

Always crying, boo hoo hoo.

Am I dumb?

Am I in trouble?

Am I killing a man or am I killing a monster?

Am I losing my mind here?

Am I right? Am I right?

America!

An E.P.A. study of Triclosan in male rats

An overvalued product is about to plummet.

And a tie for a belt.

And absolutely the best car in this garage?

And actually get married... Which we will. Someday we will.

And all I'm trying to say is the word hurts my feelings.

And all that good stuff with mom.

And an overinflated salary.

And as the snow and ice pounded against my face,

And at what ungodly temperature did we cook these eggs?

And bring vodka to get him drunk.

And do you know why?

And do you, Robin, take Carlos as your lawfully wedded husband?

And do you, sir, take Robin to be your lawfully wedded wife?

And don't ever, ever tell me to relax.

And double chances at catching Santa

And Dr. Rob's very own sippin' vodka.

And enjoy our fish head soup with loved ones.

And fecal matter, probably.

And for a couple of bags of what?

And form your own opinion about whether

And get the hell out of here before I have to call the cops?

And give you a little taste of Christmas joy.

And he paid for my college.

And helicopters with intra red goggles are following me, too

And how about the philanthropy, huh?

And I almost went to Europe?

And I am as hungry as a...

And I am going to [Bleep] you so [Bleep] hard, you...

And I am so sorry. And..

And I can't even get him to talk.

And I deserve it.

And I gave up a hockey career for you guys.

And I got to drive blue thunder, and I crashed it in a ditch.

And I guarantee he's gonna make y'all feel like royalty.

And I have been through quite a journey to get here.

And I just feel like we owe them something.

And I made a necessary financial decision.

And I need you to shine a light on that.

And I think I overloaded her body with chi.

And I thought it was fine.

And I told you I wanted to fly.

And I uncovered and researched this story all by myself.

And I was reading this article that said

And I will make the decision

And I'd love to take you out.

And I'm gonna prove to you once and for all

And I'm so honored to stand here for love

And I'm sorry I lied to you. That was so stupid.

And I'm sorry your stupid shit show of a sister

And I've almost started reading it.

And if the natives were with them, then maybe, just maybe,

And interviewing all the relevant parties.

And it got way more amazing for a minute.

And it has no cure.

And it is nothing but beach all day.

And it really makes me not wanna do this with you!

And it was in that single moment when I discovered my mantra.

And it's not our fault that he's such a shitty driver.

And it's perfectly natural.

And it's returning to... Syracuse

And just help them comb their hair?

And just... just know everything about the person?

And let me know if you see any FBI, any police, anything.

And make love for hours."

And make love for hours."

And make no mistake,

And making sure the house doesn't burn down.

And man like you absorb, no problem.

And mark my words, it was going to happen.

And marriage is a business transaction. Okay?

And my only way out is for you to give me

And now it's just gone forever.

And on the road with a Christian rock band.

And once she gets her money problem under control,

And one that should never be taken lightly.

And over time, it rips the guy apart.

And over what? Words?

And P.F.R. is at the forefront.

And reblog shit other people wrote,

And scratching posts the size of skysc****rs.

And secondly, I think our marriage is built

And see what kind of idiot would do that.

And she asked me to come to a party.

And she, for some reason, wants to do this...

And she's a volunteer firefighter.

And speaking of beautiful...

And stealing his pot of gold.

And take a selfie with god.

And take your goddamned tree with you,

And tell the world about how...

And that is how we met.

And that is why

And that is why we don't tell the whole truth.

And that should give you plenty of time to make the drop to Vanessa.

And that teleprinter of yours isn't even plugged in.

And that was the president

And that's a lot of energy to channel into an older cat.

And that's when you finally told your wife that you got fired.

And that's why I think we need to hang on

And the only thing you need to know

And the truth is that when your aunt is wasted,

And then drag us out.

And then fling them at hitchhikers.

And then I drink and drive.

And then the eggs grew and ate the seeds,

And then there was surfactants.

And then they popped out of her tummy scar 12 years later, so...

And then those amendments have been amended.

And then we will helicopter to my yacht, no?

And then you go give money to that filthy bum!

And then you just stick us in the stupid car!

And then you make up stories that are better

And then you say stupid shit like that,

And then you take us to a milkshake joint

And they can't bowl. What are we doing here?

And they said this shit was bad, so you know it's bad.

And they were on their way home to Syracuse...

And they've got oysters?

And this is how you repay me?

And this isn't even the main boat.

And this web site, I really...

And this whole "Guru of Business" thing he's pulling?

And trust me, you were not my first choice.

And try to sleep extra long. Nate come to my room to drink.

And wake up on the beach.

And we both made the right choice.

And we come to a nice, gentle stop.

And we talk at the café for hours.

And we wanna get to the beach, right?

And we were all a little closer because of it.

And we, what, do it beside the dead guy?

And we're gonna be on the beach before you know it.

And what about your kids? You leave them all alone

And what if you were to impregnate me?

And what's wrong is wrong.

And why? Because right is right.

And with her visa expiring and whatnot...

And with the proceeds,

And you a bit of embarrassment.

And you are just now crossing the south Carolina border

And you are welcome to.

And you can't buy mine, either!

And you don't have any empirical scientific proof,

And you have managed to completely unravel that bedrock

And you just answered my question

And you just wanna smell them and

And you left it in the trunk of your minivan

And you let Parker walk out of here

And you own 100% of it.

And you want to celebrate by eating at a place called Conquistadors?

And you will be a forever employee of T.P.R.

And you're gonna jerk it. Like, yank it.

And you're left to clean up the mess

And you're spewing hate at me.

And your piece of shit face,

And your stupid, insane life?

And your wife was taking your two kids, Jared and Delilah...

And, lord Jesus, my light and savior,

And, lord Jesus, thank you for this bacon,

And, you know, clean up after yourself

And... and it's a... it's a very, very serious decision

And/or proprietary information, shall include all material

Annoying, isn't it?

Another game of accents?

Apple juice.

Are one of you girls using the toilet stall

Are we still going to Florida? What's happening?

Are you absolutely, like, 125% sure?

Are you almost done with him? I want my turn.

Are you kidding me?

Are you kidding me?

Are you kidding me? Because she's *******?

Are you kidding me? The kids are right there.

Are you Nate Parker?

Are you stepping on the brake or something?

Are you sure your sister's up for this?

Are you sure your sister's up for this?

As a babysitter again?

As soon as he's done doing

As widow of rich doctor with no heirs?

As you can imagine,

As you can see, he'll never fully recover,

Asking if anyone had seen him.

At a bagel shop called Schutzstaffel?

At a landlocked roadside restaurant?

At some stupid pack of hand sanitizer?

At the first hint of a menstrual cycle.

Atop the world's most.

Aw, come on! Push it to the side!

Aw! Yeah!

Aw.

Aw. There are no absolutes

Awkward, porcupine, Mohawk, reindeer, snowman, orbit,

Ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay!

Aye,

B!

Babe

Babe, Babe, Babe, Babe, where are the plane tickets?

Babe, I got this. Relax.

Babe, listen to me, please. I'm doing this for you.

Babe, please, I'm sorry! No!

Babe, thank god. Back me up here.

Babe, what do you want me to do?

Babe! Stay there!

Babe! What are you doing here? How did you find me?

Baby, girl, we all do

Baby, he's not worth it.

Baby, I'm coming for ya!

Baby, that's terrible.

Baby, what is your problem? Let's go

Baby, you know you are the only woman

Back in Tienanmen square.

Bad guy.

Bad guys don't turn that down. Okay?

Banana Creamery? Are you kidding me with this?

Bang up job.

Baptism is real! Come into my arms!

Bathrooms are for paying customers only.

Be brave

Because he left a trail of bodies about 6 miles long, that's why.

Because I am a spy

Because I am in the middle of a federal investigation

Because I care so goddamn much.

Because I knew I was right.

Because I won't talk to you about something?

Because I'm a good person.

Because if not,

Because love is right.

Because my husbands were shit. It's called the upgrade game.

Because she was sick of his lies.

Because she's a coke fueled shit show.

Because that would be abducting her.

Because the federal elitists are suggesting 18.

Because you wanted to see me in a bikini.

Because you're not old enough for this...

Because you're still using the corporate credit card, you dummy.

Been in my family's possession the entire time.

Before this...

Before you guys arrived,

Before you're through the apex,

Between those two absolutes.

Big, fat, tuna stuffed ones that run real slow

Bigots. I hate bigots.

Billionaire?

Billy Evans?

Billy Evans?

Billy, hi, man. Um...

Blasts out all the news from everywhere.

Bless you. Bless you.

Boom!

Boom!

Boom! My go.

Boom! Whoo whoo hoo!

Boring speeches and rumpled suits or this?

Bow chicka bow wow.

Brake!

Brave, Nobel Christian soldiers

Breaker 1 9, 10 37 in progress.

Bring it back

Bring this product back to me, or don't bother coming back.

Buddy, buddy, buddy, buddy, buddy,

Buddy, zip it!

Bullshit. Don't buy that story for a second. Okay?

Burtation. Derson da bison feshzerpickles!

But Chuck Norris begged me not to.

But don't do it in front of me. Don't do it in front of me.

But don't take my word for it.

But don't worry. She handled it like a pro.

But emotionally, we just really clicked.

But for flighty attention seekers,

But I couldn't very well

But I did upgrade your side door.

But I got it, and it's this.

But I ignored the Texas Ranger named Walker

But I just need you to know that I love you

But I leave here knowing that at the very least,

But I mean it. This boat? Rock solid.

But I promise, we're gonna do it at least twice.

But I put in so much time with him.

But I should've noticed the banana spanking the girl.

But I was on my bathroom break earlier,

But I wasn't, so I had to keep driving.

But I'm going with her. You're not, so why don't you

But I'm in one piece, and I'm all yours.

But I'm just saying. Dad's place could have a pool.

But I'm not talking about my wife.

But it was not so decent.

But it wouldn't be Christmas without it though, pal.

But it's a highly protected industry secret.

But it's okay.

But just know this...

But keep selling me on the road trip.

But like I said, uh, I'm gonna need that package back.

But my wife...

But sadly, the ungrateful heathens

But she was too high to remember it?

But the real question is, does he follow you?

But then what? But what is the solution?

But these small pox stickers are delicious.

But they ain't gonna get it, okay? Okay.

But they need to know that this stuff is dangerous.

But this is just as sexy.

But this stuff here is something called "cor borating" evidence.

But we prefer to stand here and watch through the fence.

But we really don't drink and drive, so...

But we've gotten off to a really rough start.

But what about the areas of the world

But what good when you call your only customer

But what's right is right.

But yes, technically, it is poison.

But you didn't.

But you have to understand.

But you know what? Just for the record,

But, Babe...

But, Robin, now you agreed to perform a ceremony.

But, uh, couple of days later, we were on the beach,

But... I keep your secret.

By all the southern hospitality B.S. as you are.

Bye ee!

Bye ee.

Bye! ...Come in here and talking about...

Bye.

C.D.C. doesn't endorse it.

Caleb says Nate preyed upon my generous nature to...

Caleb says others can't define me.

Caleb.

Call 9 1 1, Jared.

Called him dipshit.

Called reporter's privilege. Yeah, look it up. I did.

Came down...

Can I be a trucker when I grow up?

Can I get you something?

Can I see you pop a bottle of champagne

Can I talk to somebody...

Can my wife help me?

Can nothing be easy? I swear to god,

Can we just not talk about it, please? It's fine.

Can we please just get back in the car and talk about this,

Can we please just get back in the car?

Can we talk a little more about your selective memory?

Can you do a seat drop?

Can't believe we actually made it.

Can't wait to con quer dinner.

Car's already on, dumb dumb.

Carl! Goddamn it, Nate!

Certain people just don't belong together.

Challo, let's go!

Chased by truckers, had guns pointed at our faces,

Chazz!

Chazz! Oh, my god!

Chazz? You guys know Chazz, too?

Chazz's mom says children of divorce are actually lucky.

Chazz's parents try to outdo each other at Christmas.

Chris, these girls are thirsty. Get 'em a drink.

Clear technical foul!

Clearly not... As well as I thought.

Clung to their violent customs,

Clutch.

Code candy cane. Code candy cane.

Come back.

Come for the feast. Stay for the show.

Come on now. Momsy, I know you love it.

Come on out here, you son of a bitch.

Come on, babe, let's go.

Come on, come on, come on.

Come on, come on. What are you doing?

Come on, Ebeneezer, everybody loves Christmas.

Come on, fellas. You know what it's like

Come on, get some!

Come on, Morris.

Come on, Morris. Let's go.

Come on, move out of the way!

Come on, pal. Come on, huh?

Come on, you're up.

Come on!

Come on!

Come on!

Come on! Move your car out of the way!

Come on! Why would you take your t top off in the rain?

Come on.

Come on. Come on. I didn't get your name.

Come on. Get it.

Come on. No!

Come on. We should at least take a look at it.

Come to me, little man! Come into my arms for Jesus.

Congratulations.

Congratulations.

Conquistadors! Conquistadors!

Conquistadors! Conquistadors! Conquistadors! Conquistadors!

Conquistadors?

Continue.

Cosmetic procedures.

Could somebody call a doctor?

Could we not, please? I'm begging you.

Crawl in the front. Crawl in the front.

D do you have a bathroom I can use?

D'oh. God. You do this every time!

Dad, I can't believe you sprayed... aah!

Dad, what's love?

Dad, why can't we sit with mom and Delilah?

Dad!

Damn it,

Damn it! Give it to me! Give it to me! Let go!

Damn it. Ah ha!

Damn it. What was her name?

Dangerous mountain...

Darling, I did it.

Dave? Davey? Davey?

Davey was in there that night. Burned to death.

Davey!

Davey!

Davey?

Davey?

Davey?

Davey?

Davey? Dave?

Davey? Davey! Davey!

Davey? From Davey wheels and tires?

Davey.

David! Bring in an N.D.A. so he can sign it

Dear Jesus, I would like to lodge a complaint against

Decided to meet me three hours away

Delilah, it's okay. I'm a minister.

Delilah, sweetie, let's get out of the road.

Delilah, you know, it takes more faith

Despite that, we find ourselves shoulder to shoulder.

Dick, come here, you stupid talking bear!

Did you change the whole thing on me?

Did you come back here to shit on my restaurant?

Did you even climb K2?

Did you ever go to Europe?

Did you get that?

Did you guys break up?

Did you hear that, you dopey headed clod?

Did you interview these two dipshits on the screen?

Did you need me to answer that?

Did you take off the condom?

Did you think that's a possibility?

Did you think...

Did you trip? 'Cause that's about how far you got.

Did your wife sleep with your billionaire boss?

Die, Sheriff! Die!

Dirtbag. He wrestle bear.

Do I really need to repeat that sentence?

Do not mess this up, okay?

Do not put me on hold!

Do not talk that way to my son.

Do we blow the whistle on this company?

Do we cut our losses, go back home?

Do we go north or south?

Do we go north or south?

Do we need to call a session of family court?

Do we need to do this right now?

Do we owe you money, by any chance?

Do you drink while we're in school?

Do you ever take responsibility for your own mistakes?

Do you have a better idea how to wake him up?

Do you have a better idea?!

Do you have a new wife? A secret wife.

Do you have plans?

Do you know how mad you would be at me if I did that?

Do you know how much of that sweet tea I drank?

Do you mind if I borrow Nate for about an hour?

Do you mind if I just go grab something from my car?

Do you not know where babies come from?

Do you remember Sharon?

Do you see anything?

Do you take this young, young...

Do you want to be a dumb ass for the rest of your life

Does it just, like, go black and then nothing?

Does this mean we're choosing to live with mom now?

Doing that same stupid backwards walk that you were doing?

Don't answer that. Gene will bury you in litigation.

Don't be dumb. Let's go, sir. Come on.

Don't be weak. Dough is in critical stage.

Don't distract me. If I dunk this guy,

Don't do it. It's not worth it. Send.

Don't do what I do or you're gonna end up like that guy.

Don't ever lie to me

Don't leave me again!

Don't let him look at that.

Don't look it up.

Don't look, though. But don't... don't look!

Don't pretend like you're not home now!

Don't proposition me on the toilet.

Don't seem like the type, but V.I.N. don't lie.

Don't stop.

Don't try to make me to be the weirdo in this situation.

Don't use us as propaganda!

Don't worry. Go get your beauty sleep.

Don't worry. We showed her the ropes.

Don't you realize how offensive that is?

Don't you think your rightness comes at a heavy price?

Don't! Hey! Hey!

Douche.

Down. 7 o'clock.

Dr. Rob? Absolutely super duper rich.

Dude made me fight a guy in a bear suit...

Dude, get over! Get over!

Dude, this dip is the shit.

Dummy.

Eh... Careful.

Enjoy it, but let's keep it private.

Even if it's unpopular!

Even if that tiny fishing boat were my boat,

Every day of the year.

Every time I look at you...

Every woman deserves the right to choose..

Everybody gets a vote this time.

Everybody, calm down. Calm down.

Everybody, I want you to lower your phones

Everybody, put your weapons down.

Everybody, stop!

Everybody, stop! Look in Santa's bag!

Everything I just said was true.

Ew!

Ew!

Ew!

Ew! No!

Ew! You didn't even know her name?

Ew.

Ew.

Ew. Ew! Ew!

Exactly. We finally understand.

Exactly. Words. They're just words!

Except what's behind that door.

Excuse me, little girl.

Excuse me, sir, um, is this really necessary?

Excuse me?

Excuse me? Excuse me, Miss?

Excuse me. Can I park there?

Excuse me. There's no girls out on the dance floor.

Excuse me. What do you call raising the two of you?

Eyyy.

Eyyy.

Fail. Fail. Fail.

Feels great. I know it.

Filthy surfaces.

Finally, the old battle ax dies. I get a chance to be myself

Find themselves in a position where they feel like

Fine, you're gonna have to spray...

Finish the damn story.

First, there were the pyramids.

Fist bump.

Folks, do you... do you have kids?

Followed by even better life

Fonzie! Oh, shit! Ohh!

For a competing biotech pharmaceutical company

For a defining moment.

For god sake, your family rescued slaves.

For growing in the shade of the oak tree.

For instance, after conversations like this,

For stealing some weird, dangerous shit!

For the record, a little more to Montezuma's storyline

For the rest of your quite possibly few remaining days?

For the use of one of your traditional garbs. Namaste.

For three days, we've been serving people shells

For what? Smelly socks and pictures of her on a balance beam.

For what? Why doesn't anyone tell me anything?

Forcing the conquistadors' reluctant hands.

Forever.

Four years ago, with your aunt Vanessa. We...

Friendly reminder... don't touch the girls.

From beautiful life as wife of rich doctor,

From boiling in the lake of eternal fire. Amen.

From down under. Huh..

From that place over there. Yeah.

From your former company,

From your former company, P.F.R. Industries,

Full of decomposing flesh

Funny. When I look into your eyes, I see my Audrey...

G Gene? Uh, no, I'm not coming to Fort Lauderdale.

Game over.

Garroted through the streets, burned alive

Gary burned to death.

Get back in the car, please.

Get in here and get changed for the wedding.

Get in the car.

Get in!

Get in!

Get off the ice!

Get out of the car, baby. Nate! Nate!

Get out!

Get out.

Get outta here! We're having a wedding!

Get some!

Get some! Yeah!

Get your hand off my ass.

Get your wine stained hands off my son.

Give him a poke.

Give me options.

Give me the marker.

Give us the kids, and nobody gets hurt!

Go around! Get... go...

Go around. There's plenty of room.

Go get a pretzel and sit on that bench right there.

Go home, little girl! Whoo! Whoo! You're free!

Go in the sun. Lemon juice.

Go.

God, I should've just apologized.

God, invitation only? Are you kidding me?

God, no.

God, no. God, no.

God, she's so young... young, young girl..

God, what is wrong with you? Put it down.

God, you look so beautiful in this dress.

God! You put an air bubble in there, you'll kill me.

God.

God. Truckers. Go around!

Goddamn it.

Going for a walk... Alone.

Gonna need a little more context on that.

Good choice. Yeah.

Good luck trying to find some sucker

Good! You get outta here

Good. All right, let's... let's just do this thing.

Got his leg stuck in the black pyramid.

Got to eat it.

Got you some lip balm, some O.T.C. painkillers.

Gotcha.

Gotta talk to you about, uh, those packages that I left you.

Grabbing onto it and holding onto it forever.

Great. Go. Bye. Bye bye.

Great. Hey, you have to keep him there

Great. So, uh, we're good to go?

Gross. Nate? Do you wanna say something?

Grow up, Nate. Insider trading. Everybody does it.

Guess some folks from the church

Guess what, kids?

Gupta... have you seen him at all?

Guy's cool. He's got his own trampoline.

Guys, come on. Come with me.

Guys, please, we're having a discussion.

Guys! I saw them! Goons!

Ha ha. Back in your tent.

Hallelujah! He has spoken. We won!

Hand sanitizer?

Hands at 10 and 2. You keep it nice and straight

Has shown a decreased level of testosterone

Have shown altered levels of thyroid hormones...

Have you been drinking?

Have you not learned anything in the last 20 minutes?

Have your invitations out, sir.

Haven't had my lunch yet.

Having a good time with the kids?

He basically just fought people.

He can't swim!