The Waterboy (1998) Edit

A girl? Bobby Boucher!

A poo poo? Do you have a poo poo?

A sensational football game. Look at the way Boucher entered the Hawkeyes' drive.

A wonderful student athlete.

About to bash one of my football players?

Actually, I come by to get you to do ol' Red a little favor.

All I know is this, Jimmy: Next Friday, August 29th,

All right, field goal. Field goal. Go.

All right, it's second and 12, as the Cougars line up on the ball.

All right, let's hear what Mama has to say on the subject.

All right, there.

All right. Bobby, Bobby.

All right. I wanna work with offense. I wanna work with defense.

Alligators are aggressive because of an enlarged medulla oblongata.

And a wonderful friend.

And all your snotty questions, Miss Vallencourt.

And as dumb as one to boot.

And Bobby Boucher is now on the kickoff team.

And Bugge springs free! Trouble! Lateral!

And by the way, I hope you like what I did to your lawn mower.

And by the way, Mama, alligators are ornery

And charming and cool and...

And Dan, Bobby Boucher is back on the field.

And he died. He died!

And he takes a knee?

And he's down with a three yard kickoff return.

And how much your playing football means to this town.

And I ain't gonna have him hit in the head by some idiot waterboy.

And I appreciate what... what you're showin' me right now.

And I don't think you want that, do you?

And I just didn't fight back.

And I just started thinkin' about all the people

And I like Vicki, and she likes me back!

And I made you abandon all those people who depend on ya.

And I used to come up with the plays.

And I'm gonna keep doin' them both because they make me feel good!

And me four months pregnant with this precious angel,

And Mud Dogs won the Bourbon Bowl?

And my friend, Chris, the Mud Dogs are goin' to the Bourbon Bowl.

And on a fan boat, Brent. His mother drove him right into the stadium.

And she showed me her boobies, and I liked them too!

And start worryin' about the game today. Here.

And that will lead to a lot more victories.

And the quarterback will say, Hike.

And then he ran for the touchdown bare assed.

And threw him into the stands?

And to tell you the truth, I don't think much of you

And what are we having for dessert?

And when Coach Cavanaugh was going to retire, me and Red,

And you're gonna fail your big exam, because school is...

And... and... and... the tongue.

Another year of Mud Dog football. With the weight of a 40 game

Anybody got an idea?

Anybody? Anyone?

Are gonna kick some Cougar ass.

Are men supposed to wear pajamas featuring a cartoon character

Are you gonna finish that hot dog, Jimmy?

Around the sidelines for talent. In fact, Michigan, devastated by injury,

Astronomy is one of the many tools of the devil.

At the University of Louisiana. Red ran the practices

Basically, a snake don't have parts.

Baton Rouge Exposition Center,

Be careful down there.

Beautiful view.

Because everyone's seen how wonderful you are.

Because he didn't hold anything back!

Because I wanted you to play. Because you were my way out, Bobby.

Because nobody on this team is any good.

Because of their medulla oblongata!

Because we've got a young man

Before I get you in trouble with your mama.

Before our guys even know what's goin' on.

Believe me, I understand.

Believe me, I've seen it myself.

Ben Franklin is the devil!

Bernard drops back. Looks like a screen pass.

Best of luck to you on the upcoming play.

Big city livin' and a voodoo woman named Phyllis.

Blue 52! Blue 52! Hut!

Bobby Boucher, all these folks are here tonight

Bobby Boucher, come give your mama a kiss.

Bobby, after you let Mr. Coach out, you come into my bedroom.

Bobby, congratulations. You're the MVP of the Bourbon Bowl.

Bobby, I've been dreading this day for a long time.

Bobby, if your mama could only hear us right now, we would tell her

Bobby, that's ridiculous.

Bobby, this is just like we practiced, OK?

Bobby, where was the intensity that I saw yesterday?

Bobby, you don't have what they call the social skills.

Bobby, your daddy didn't go into no Peace Corps.

Bobby, your mama got sick this mornin'. She's in the hospital.

Bobby!

Bobby! Bobby! Bobby!

Bobby. Bobby!

Boucher's out in front! A great block!

Boy, Mama, that sounds nice. Me, a college man.

Break!

Bring it to the hole! Your ass is mine!

But don't you want the only part you've got left to get a college education?

But everything wasn't OK. No.

But for each and every one of you

But he ain't what you'd call college material.

But he had a mental breakdown or something. Don't worry.

But I can't hog you to myself no more,

But I hope to get past that one day 'cause she's nice to talk to.

But I know what's wrong.

But I suppose I ought to be movin' on

But I was just a baby inside Mama's stomach.

But if you'd like, sometimes,

But Mama says that... I mean, you say that...

But Mama, I'm tired of everybody callin' me a dummy.

But sorry, no money yet.

But the thing is, we're all faced with difficult decisions every day.

But the towel boy ran into a laundry list of problems.

But they're finely tuned athletic machines.

But why don't you just come up with some new plays?

But you didn't come up with them.

But you do have friends, and one of 'em wants to say somethin'. Come on.

But you have to stand up for yourself or they'll ride you all season long.

But, if I had to call it anything,

But, please, don't waste any water.

By kneeling down three times and punting,

By sacking the quarterback 16 times, shattering the old record of seven.

By sacking the quarterback 16 times, shattering the old record of seven.

Can tell me where happiness comes from?

Can you do this for me every single game? Can you do this?

Casey, go left. Way left.

Casey. I want you to tackle Casey like you did Gee yesterday.

Central Kentucky's down to their third string quarterback.

Changed S.C.L.S.U.'s fortunes, he's got other teams looking

Check, check!

Coach Klein does have a few tricks up his sleeve.

Coach Klein is sending his offense back onto the field.

Coach Klein. I remember.

Coach, my Bobby's a sweet boy,

Coach, not only will I do it for you, I...

Come and get this one, Cougars.

Come on, Bobby! You'll miss the boat!

Come on, everybody. All right, this is it. This is the play.

Come on! Huddle up!

Come on.

Come on. Come here. Come here. Come on.

Come sit down, if you'd like.

Couldn't get no water. He died of the dehydration.

Cut his ass.

Cut his head off!

Damn, I don't want that ass on the team.

Dan, look what we have here. Boucher's in the game as a blocker.

Dan, you hate to see this happen.

Dear Helen. Who's Helen?

Derek, they don't got no more helmets.

Devil, devil, devil.

Did he tell you about his little bedtime problem?

Didn't I tell you as plain as I could speak to get rid of his ass last year?

Didn't you occasionally watch the game?

Difficult to watch, Chris.

Disrupting my football team, you idiot!

Do you understand me?

Doctors say they can't figure out what's wrong with her.

Don't be afraid to use all of your strength.

Don't be messin' with the champ. Come on, Laski.

Don't change the fact that the real Mud Dogs

Don't look like to me you enjoys it, sittin' there all grouchy.

Don't raise your voice to me, Bobby Boucher.

Don't you remember what your mama told you about girls?

Drink up, now. I want you girls to sober up. Have faith in my Bobby.

Dropkicked him. Boucher knocked him out cold.

Eagle cover two. Ready?

Earned a Ne w Year's Day date with Red Beaulieu and the Cougars

Eighteen years of this is enough!

Even though he was slightly discourteous to me recently,

Ever been with a guy and a girl at the same time?

Ever see a championship ring?

Everybody else in this town turn on me at the drop of a hat.

Everybody who was thirsty got a drink right away,

Everybody... hates me.

Everybody's already laughin' at us. We ain't won a game since 1994.

Everybody's gonna laugh at us.

Everything is the devil to you, Mama!

Excellent.

Except Steve?

Excuse me? May I help you?

Excuse me. Out of my way.

Expensive, but fun. Hope all is well. Robert.

Experimented with their towel boy at wide receiver.

Fair enough.

Follow the... Come on!

Foosball's not for the devil.

For the long haul.

Forty three! Red 43! Hut, hut!

Friends, it's all over.

Fumble! Robideaux's got it!

Gain some yards. Put points on the board.

Gatorade not only quenches your thirst better, it tastes better too, idiot.

Gee Grenouille throws a touchdown pass on the first play. Check it out.

Gentleman, which brings me to my next point: don't smoke crack.

Get in there and see if that waterboy can stop you.

Get out and make something happen! Sacrifice your bodies. Go, go, go!

Get out of the way, you moron!

Go out there and make something happen. Visualize and attack.

Go, go, go, go! Hold 'em, hold 'em! You can do it. Come on.

Go.

God knows what the team is doing with Farmer Fran watching.

Gonna kick some names and take some ass!

Good afternoon. I'm Brent Musburger with my colleague Dan Fouts.

Good luck, son.

Good ne ws, folks. Quarterback Tommy Gardner does not have a broken neck.

Good news. The NCAA is gonna allow you to play in the Bourbon Bowl.

Good one.

Good reason, Brent. 109 yards untouched.

Grenouille to the 15, the ten, the five!

Hang on here. Take some water.

Hang on! I'll show you what A.J. Foyt taught me.

Havin' that test on amphibians and reptiles Friday?

He ain't never gonna be able to figure this out.

He changed his name to Roberto.

He decides he wants to help foreign peoples.

He deserted us, baby.

He fakes to the left. No.

He fakes to the right. He doesn't fake.

He gives the ball... No, he doesn't.

He got lost in the middle of the Sahara Desert.

He happens to be a finely tuned athletic machine.

He has his good days and his bad days.

He has time to pick it up and dust it off and run in for a touchdown

He is now playing offense! We know. We know.

He probably thinks Meaney will pound it in there

He sees his perfect season slipping away.

He thinks about faking. He pretends to fake.

He'll either be a hero or a goat because of this.

He'll make the Mud Dog offense try to beat him.

He'll snap out of it. Let me know when it cools down, baby.

He's at the 40, 30. He's almost...

He's gonna go join the Peace Corps. He promise me everything's gonna be OK.

He's resilient. He's a resilient guy. OK? Come on.

He's right over there.

He's the best tackler I've seen since Joe Montana.

Heads up! That's it, that's it!

Heavy duty armpit saturation. An early warning sign of the dehydration.

Hello, little baby.

Here we see Boucher instantly penetrating the pocket.

Here. You can share mine.

Hey, Casey, I think he wanna make out with you.

Hey, did you all get a load of the new waterboy?

Hey, here comes the shithead.

Hey, moron!

Hey, Walter, I'll bet you 50 bucks

Hey, waterboy, you fixin' to tackle all of us?

Hey, waterboy, you fixin' to tackle all of us?

Hey, waterboy!

Hey, waterboy! Check this out.

Hey. Nice suit.

Hi, Steve.

Hold it, hold it. Just a minute. Now what is the problem here, honey?

Holdsworth is gonna bring it out from nine yards deep.

How about the time he tackled the guy from Louisville

How do you all like my new offense?

How do you find yourself in the right position?

How you doin', boy?

How's that, Steve?

However, assault with a deadly weapon,

However, this is not a fake.

Hut!

Hut!

I am 31 years old.

I am inquiring as to whether you have the need for an experienced waterboy

I am not telling you to go on a shooting rampage.

I am not what you would call a handsome man.

I am petrified of him.

I am so sorry.

I came into my office, I went under my desk, I cried.

I can't believe I told Mama that I got feelings for you.

I can't believe it myself.

I can't believe you got a 97!

I can't breathe.

I can't hire you. I can't hire anybody. We're the...

I could try to get another waterboy job for a different team.

I cried. I cried like a ten year old girl!

I did it. I did it. I did it! I did it! I did it!

I didn't mean to hurt you. Coach told me to pretend.

I didn't take it very well.

I didn't think you were serious. Besides, he does a greatjob.

I don't believe in that sort of thing, personally.

I don't care if you have to stab him! Do not let him get away. Understand?

I don't know where I am.

I don't like confrontation 'cause I'm a Virgo.

I don't like it, Mr. Coach Klein. I don't like it one bit.

I don't think you understand...

I forbid you to talk to that enchantress. She's the devil!

I found a job as a lemonade vendor,

I got a wooden spoon.

I got something for you.

I guarantee that guy's still a virgin.

I guess he thought it was more exotic.

I guess I have a mental block ever since

I had a lot to keep me busy.

I have arrived here in New Orleans.

I hid you away from the world, Bobby Boucher.

I just hate him, I hate him, I hate him.

I knew that this was a good idea.

I knew what he was gonna do!

I know, but I really wanted to scout that waterboy. Reminds me of Greg Lloyd.

I know.

I know. I'm so numb.

I lost my position as the team's water distribution engineer.

I love my mama very much. Now you know that.

I may have a couple squirreled away in there for...

I mean, whatever it is, we don't want this to get physical.

I need your cooperation. I need it now.

I never did that before.

I now have two loves in my life:

I remember, Mama.

I said Joe Mantegna.

I see a lot of girls.

I see a lot of guys too.

I think that's sexy.

I think you zigged when you should've zagged on that play.

I trust you'll make the right decision.

I want you to visualize and then attack. Can you handle that?

I was just thinkin' about stealin' L.T.'s Porsche over there.

I was so bad. You were right about everything.

I was so scared you'd abandon me too.

I was with my mama and Coach Klein at the same time.

I was with you from two to four last night. You tell them.

I was wondering if, perhaps, you might need the services

I wasn't raising my voice, Mama.

I wonder what she's doin' right now.

I would be honored if you play football for this team.

I would say it's his knee.

I would write these foolproof plays in my little green notebook that I had.

I'd also like to take this opportunity

I'll see you at practice.

I'll take a Scotch and water. Hold the Scotch.

I'm a football player.

I'm disturbed to see that you're so interested in my boy.

I'm gonna drive him back into whatever galaxy he came from. That's a promise!

I'm gonna go do it!

I'm gonna have to say Captain Insano.

I'm gonna show everybody that I'm not a dummy. I'm gonna go study.

I'm gonna stay in school and graduate.

I'm not takin' over. I'm just tryin' not to screw up too bad.

I'm so sorry, Mama.

I'm so sorry, Mama. Please forgive me.

I'm sorry to disappoint you all, but please keep your voices down

I'm sorry, Vicki Vallencourt.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. Would you please still be my friend?

I'm sure I'll have no problem finding work,

I'm tired of not havin' any friends.

I'm very, very interested in your boy, Mrs. Boucher.

I've seen you on the ESPN when they was talkin' about

If that was your first kiss,

If you'll excuse me, ladies, I'm gonna go hang myself.

In a dramatic turn of events, Bobby Boucherjust arrived at halftime.

In Cherokee Plains, Louisiana.

In our small corner of Louisiana!

In the first Bourbon Bowl. But not only has the waterboy

In the Mud Dog's latest loss this past Saturday,

Is gonna play some linebacker for us.

Is she ready?

Is somebody that you're not afraid of.

Is still unable to move that ball. But the way their defense is fired up,

Is there ain't no South Lafayette High School in Cherokee Plains, Louisiana.

Is your girlfriend gonna save you again?

It is imperative that you allow me to be your waterboy.

It reminds me just about how special this season really was.

It was blessed by an Eskimo medicine man.

It was the only way to get you in.

It's a deal?

It's a safety! They win, they win, they win!

It's as if they're in the offensive huddle with him.

It's brilliant. Red is taking the Waterboy out of the game.

It's clean.

It's cold.

It's for my Bobby.

It's gonna get awfully, awfully physical here.

It's good to use the heating source, Sterno.

It's like my mama always says, Better safe than sorry.

It's OK to fight back. Coach Klein said I could.

It's over there!

It's still cold.

It's the brain pain, coach.

It's the waterboy.

It's to add a number to their losing streak,

Joe Montana was a quarterback, you idiot.

Just because the waterboy's a cheater

Just like that Tiger Woods and his daddy.

Just like you promisin' me now.

Just relax. Relax.

Just rough me up or something.

Kinda like my old man told me one time, Lynn.

Ladies and gentlemen, Bobby Boucher!

Laski, get over here!

Last game of the year. Can't hold anything back now.

Last game of the year. Can't hold anything back.

Let me ask you. What's your prediction for the rest of this game?

Let's do it!

Let's go, ladies.

Let's go!

Let's hope the Mud Dogs can make some adjustments.

Let's make him feel right at home. Jerry, go right.

Let's talk about Bobby playing football.

Let's talk to the waterboy.

Line up on the ball.

Listen, everybody! This don't change nothin'!

Listen, you could think what you want about my personal hygiene,

Little baby. Yeah.

Look at me. I'm the waterboy.

Look who's here, Sergeant Stutter.

Look who's on the television, Mama. The devil.

Look, I can't stand losing anymore. We've got to win one game.

Look. Now what ifwe...

Looks like we ended up in Retardville, USA.

Losing streak on their back, everyone seems to be diggin' in

Mama don't know I'm here, but I took these outta the icebox:

Mama is the only one who really cares if I live or die.

Mama said... Mama said... Mama said... Mama said...

Mama says that alligators are ornery

Mama, here.

Mama, I gotta read this book and six other books tonight,

Mama, maybe you could stop brushin' my hair so I can read.

Mama, she... she got... on a Sunday afternoon...

Mama, somethin' bad happened today.

Mama, Vicki's an astrologist.

Mama, when did Ben Franklin invent electricity?

Mama! Thank God you're OK. I'm so sorry.

Mama'll brush your hair.

Mama's not a big fan of restaurants

Meaney, if they give that Waterboy the football,

Most alligators are abnormally aggressive?

Mr. Coach Klein said I could. It's fine, fellas.

Mr. Coach Klein, you got your manhood! You got your manhood!

Mr. Coach Klein. Mr. Coach Klein! Mr. Coach Klein!

Mud Dogs call a timeout.

Mud Dogs need the ball if they're gonna have a shot at overtime.

Mud Dogs!

Mud Dogs! Mud Dogs!

Mud Dogs! Mud Dogs! Mud Dogs! Mud Dogs!

My ass is tired ofjawin' all night. I'm goin' to bed.

My boy is all I got left.

My boy is too delicate to be playin' foosball,

My football field first day of practice?

My God, Bobby. I mean, sometimes, I just don't know why I bother with you.

My mama says that too. Aren't all mamas the same?

My resolution is to never hurt you again.

Needle dick! Needle dick! Needle dick!

New Orleans is an expensive city.

Nice to meet you, Mr. Coach. Good luck with your foosball.

No intensity. You said it was all right to fight back,

No, Colonel Sanders, you're wrong. Mama's right.

No, Grandma, I didn't get it.

No, it's a double reverse! Oh, what a block!

No, no, Mama. You shouldn't be dredgin' up painful memories in your condition.

No, no, no!

No, you don't understand me, Mr. Coach Klein.

No. I'll take matters into my own hands. You'll see.

Nobody else thought that to be too bad of an idea.

Nobody, Mama. It's just that

Nobody's gonna take him away, especially not some godless Jezebel like you.

Not exactly what I'd call constructive criticism.

Not how ambassadors for the University of Louisiana are supposed to act.

Notjust for the team. Notjust for the students.

Now I'm not.

Now is there anybody here

Now is there anyone here that can tell me why

Now let's take a call. It's our old friend from Jackson's Bayou, Mr. B.

Now that you finally won a game, right, you feel looser, the pressure is off.

Now that's high quality H20.

Now that's what I call high quality H20.

Now why ain't I surprised to see you snoopin' around

Now you be able to spend your days at home where you belong.

Now you go on and have some fun becoming a man.

Now you wanna take away the only part of Robert I have left.

Now, Bobby, you've waterboyed for 18 years.

Now, last week, we talked about

Number 62 is headed for the end zone.

Of an experienced waterboy.

Of course, Red got the job. Next day, fired me.

Of school and college and things of that sort.

Of that Bourbon Bowl bid. Iowa could win the game

Officer, get her little country ass outta here.

Oh, boy, was I good.

Oh, Mama!

Oh, no! We suck again!

Oh, nothin'.

Oh, thank you, but, see, there's this girl, Vicki Vallencourt.

Oh, yeah, plenty of times. The other night,

Oh, yeah? Well, your Bobby is a grown man. And guess what?

Oh, yeah. She's more than ready.

Oh, yes, we can, and, yes, we will.

OK, go, go, go. Come on.

OK, I want you to do to Casey

OK, that's enough. Thank you.

OK.

OK.

OK.

OK.

Once the quarterback has the ball,

One day back in 1966, pick up sticks,

One man said he wanted to decapitate me.

Or a fully functional brain.

Or are the Mud Dogs too far behind? Bobby Boucher is on defense.

Or else I can't play foot...

Or of me going to one.

Or whatever, with them gargantuans.

People don't understand you.

People that have been mean to you and then attack.

Please, don't hurt me!

Power bomb, compliments of Captain Insano.

Promise me that you will never distribute the contents of thatjug

Quit hoggin' that. Pass it over.

Read on.

Really? Well, did he tell you about how much his feet smell?

Red 22!

Red 22! Hike!

Red and I have a history.

Red Beaulieu is steaming, Dan.

Red is sending his best defender in as a running back? What do you make of this?

Red took my playbook and my manhood.

Red, ready! Hut!

Red's got a couple of solid early rounders out there.

Remember the time Bobby tackled the referee by mistake?

Remember when that man wanted you to play?

Right in the head!

Right now, we're going to go to the sidelines and Lynn Swann.

Right, Klein?

School?! You goin' to school?!

Seein'?

Seriously, I could injure myself.

Set, blue 22, hut!

Set!

Set!

Set!

Set!

Set! Set!

She got a broken heart because of me.

She may be the devil. Mama said that. Consequently,

She my whole world. Will you just leave us alone?

She ought to pack it in. Listen what she said for Sagittarius:

She'll be fine, Bobby. We better get going.

She's not the devil. She's the most beautiful woman in the world.

Shit, he showed up. All right, look.

Sixty two! Sixty two! There you are!

Slap hands! Slap hands!

Smell like you could use a shower, stinky.

Smell like you could use a shower, stinky.

Snap to Grenouille. A reverse!

So don't fill his head with all those crazy dreams

So handsome.

So maybe we could ride home together.

So my mama can get her rest.

So obviously, this is a fake!

So that's what openin' up a can ofwhoop ass feels like.

So why you pick this class anyway? It's pretty hard.

So you can expect my next letter to contain lots of money.

So, Bobby, did they ever catch that gorilla what escaped from the zoo

So, what I do is I start tacklin' the quarterback,

Somebody hurt you, my boy? Who hurt you? You tell Mama who hurt you.

Somebody made me look like a cheater.

Somethin' wrong with his medulla oblongata.

Son, you just opened a whole case ofwhoop ass.

Sorry, Mama. I wanted to tell you.

Sounds great.

Squirrel.

Stop makin' fun of me.

Stop saying that. You don't mean that. You're bad people.

Strong words from a strong man, Captain Insano.

Swannie's down on the field with our hero, so let's go to Lynn now!

Take a look. The crowd has never been bigger. Know why?

Taking over Bobby Boucher's water duties for this game.

Thank you so much for bein' my friends.

Thank you so much, Coach Klein. I will not let you down.

Thank you so much. Bye bye.

Thank you.

Thank you. It was my daddy's.

Thank you. It was my daddy's.

That come down when you feelin' blue.

That happened to be my first time with lips

That is a terrible story, coach.

That is the water that you serve to your players?

That looks nice, Mama.

That snake looks delicious.

That they're sorry for not supportin' you when it meant the most.

That was a cheap shot.

That was your tongue. I... I believe it was.

That was... That... That happened...

That would be for the best.

That's a good question.

That's a guy I dated before I met your father.

That's bad policy. If you need to amuse yourself at my expense,

That's it!

That's it. That's it.

That's my first name, Bobby.

That's nonsense! I invented electricity.

That's not true.

That's water from a glacier in Alaska.

That's when the center puts the ball in the hands of the quarterback.

That's why it's so special.

That's why you never have any friends, except for your mama.

The amazing 31 year old freshman set a new NCAA record

The ball must travel ten yards.

The big story here is a game that's lost some of its luster

The chickens are comin' home to roost.

The Cougars are coming out from their own 20 yard line.

The Cougars lead 27 7 in the middle of the third quarter.

The Cougars' lead is down to three.

The end of the half. The Cougars are dominating.

The good Lord chose not to bless me

The hell with school, dopey! Take the money! You and me could be partners,

The Louisiana High School Equivalency Examination

The medulla oblongata...

The Mud Dog's most valuable player,

The Mud Dogs are faced with yet another third and long.

The only one of us who could've passed that test.

The opposition didn't even know what hit 'em.

The physiology of the animal brain as it pertains to aggression.

The pitch. It's a reverse!

The quarterback. Receivers lined up to the left, one to the right.

The reason I'm doin' this so I can go to school.

The receiver goes over to the left.

The snap. It's a fake!

The team gets thirsty, and I bring them the water.

The truth is... I fled.

The waterboy handed them the game. What an idiot.

The way they're playing, that's impossible.

Then I bet it's the first time you've seen a pair of these.

There are 40 of you on this team, not one. Bobby can't do this by himself.

There was someone else at Lawson's Creek this morning.

There's a flanker lined up to the left behind the quarterback.

There's a grill with the charcoal biscuits.

There's a lot of pain and shame in those eyes.

There's less of a chance of someone findin' out she's a phony.

There's your daddy.

They don't think you ought to play football.

They have to hope for the onside kick and a touchdown to tie the game.

They like to give you a boot in the patoot for your trouble.

They need water. I likes to be the one that brings it.

They still have a shot at winning this game.

They're my plays. I need them.

They're showing no respect for this team without Boucher.

This is from the NCAA.

This is good. This is much better than what I serve.

This is his transcript from South Lafayette High School

This is the best day of my life!

This is the play. This is the play. OK?

This is what we're gonna do. He's gonna come here...

This is where they strip the ball from us.

Three, 33!

Three, 33! Hut!

Three, two, one!

Time for the retard to find out what college football's all about.

Time running down in the first quarter. Cougars lead is 17 nothing.

Time to open up some whoop ass.

To all of us who weren't born handsome

To do what your coach tells ya?

To gain ten yards before they have to punt.

To tell you that my mama don't know how I play football.

To tell you that they're sorry,

To Whom It May Concern:

Touchdown, Cougars! They strike first.

Touchdown, Mud Dogs!

Touchdown! Reds lead.

Touchdown! They won it! The Mud Dogs win it!

Try it on, man. See if it fits.

Twenty years ago, we were assistants to Coach Cavanaugh

Unless he give the ball to somebody else, in which case,

Used to be assistant coach at some big school,

Vague and generalized,

Vicki Vallencourt, I figured,

Vicki Vallencourt, I think Mama's up.

Vicki Vallencourt, that... that girl.

Vicki Vallencourt.

Visualize somebody you're not afraid of.

Visualize the attack. Go kick the ball. Kick it.

Watch where you're going, needle dick.

Water sucks

Water sucks. Gatorade is better.

Waterboy, Waterboy, Waterboy!

Waterboy, you stink!

Waterboy! Waterboy!

Waterboy! Waterboy!

Waterboy. Yeah, waterboy. He played... He played waterboy great.

Waterboy's killin' 'em.

We are underway! The opening kickoff is a beauty!

We did it! I can't believe it! I can't believe it!

We go from a championship football team to a bunch of dogs!

We have an announcement to make. Our former waterboy, Bobby Boucher,

We have grown apart over these last six weeks.

We must be a little lost. We're tryin' to get to the Bourbon Bowl.

We played as a team, we won as a team.

We should get goin'. I told Coach I'd drive to the game with him.

We're deadlocked at three with less than a minute to go.

We're gonna go home. You and l, we're gonna talk to Mama.

We're the champions!

We're tied at seven with 30 seconds to go in the fourth quarter.

Welcome to ABC's coverage of the Bourbon Bowl.

Well, folks, Mama's wrong again.

Well, he spit in the cooler.

Well, I like school and I like football!

Well, I need to show Cavanaugh that I can come up with some good play ideas.

Well, I wouldn't think much of it at all.

Well, men are supposed to have stinky feet.

Well, Mr. Coach Klein said that what Mama don't know won't hurt her.

Well, Mud Dog fans, it's time to kick off

Well, my, my, my. Was my little aquatic engineer

Well, that was lust, not love. Turn the page.

Well, they better, because they suck.

Well, wake her ass up! We gotta win tomorrow!

Well, welcome to your manhood, Bobby Boucher.

Well, why don't you pretend that Red Beaulieu

Well, you know what? I happen to find Deputy Dawg

Well, you're gonna show him that you're a man on Saturday.

What a dink.

What a dumb penalty. That puts the Mud Dogs in field goal range for the tie.

What Captain Insano does to the bad guy. Go.

What did my boy play great?

What exactly are they putting in the water in Jackson's Bayou, Louisiana?

What happens is the center has the ball first.

What is that moron doin' here?

What part do you think I'm about to eat?

What the hell is that?

What the hell... What the hell is this?

What would you think if Bobby did play football, Mrs. Boucher?

What you doin' here?

What you doin'?

What's the matter with you, boy? You too stupid

Whatever.

When we get a little more time, I'll welcome you properly.

When we report on the SCLSU Mud Dogs here on SportsCenter,

Where's your helmet?

While I'm sittin' here all day with nobody to keep me company

Who has been so vital to our success.

Who that? Who there?

Who told you you was a Virgo?

Who'd been mean to me over the years.

Who's it gonna be?

Who's it gonna be? Who's it gonna be?

Why didn't you stick up for me down by the river?

Why you home so early, my precious angel?

Why, that's the best news I heard in a dog's age.

With charm, athletic ability

With the help of Boucher, the losing streak is over!

With yesterday's come from behind victory, the Mud Dogs

Without its star player, the waterboy, Bobby Boucher.

Wow, Dan. You think that up all by yourself?

Wow! Anybody else? Yes, sir. You, sir.

Wrestling! Wrestling is good. Who's your favorite wrestler?

Y'all gonna play or what?

Y'all remember when he intercepted the ball and his pants fell off?

Y'all shut up now!

Yeah, and you're deeply appreciated, Mr. Dodd.

Yeah, I... He... Roy Orbison...

Yeah, that and the waterboy getting 20 sacks a game.

Yeah, that's the offense's last opportunity

Yes, but... I was...

Yes, I agree. But to guarantee that the H20 is purified,

Yes, I'll do it for ya.

Yes, once again, I'm not quite sure what that means, but...

Yes, sir, coach.

Yes, sir.

Yes, yes, that is another first for me,

Yes!

Yes.

Yes. Bobby, think about it. A whole new world will open to you.

Yes. OK. Now.

Yesterday at the... at the football game.

You are a bad boy. I wish you were my boyfriend.

You better do something. You gotta defend yourself.

You can do it all night long!

You can do it!

You can do it! Cut his fucking head off!

You come on inside before that little ol' witch casts a spell on us!

You could iron a shirt on his stomach.

You do not have to pay me. I will do it for free.

You even exhale, and I will saw your head off.

You go on, now! Make it happen, Bobby!

You have three hours. Good luck to you, sir.

You haven't done this before. The offense is gonna line up like this.

You know that old hag that does astrology on Good Morning America,

You know, when I see so many of you here tonight,

You listen here, cupcake. The only woman in my boy's life is me.

You might appreciate this.

You might as well let the thing go, 'cause if you don't,

You off gallivantin' with your fancy foosball friends at school,

You owe me 50 bucks!

You played amazing at the game today.

You playin' the foosball behind my back?

You reap the fruit of your selfish ways.

You said it was gonna be a touchdown pass, you crazy asshole.

You see, my husband Robert,

You see, you're an inspiration

You should've seen this a long time ago.

You sound like a big choo choo train.

You sure played great yesterday, Bobby.

You the man, Bobby!

You use to write all them football plays in?

You're all wrong. Mama's right. Mama's right!

You're drinkin' the wrong water.

You're gonna be faced with a difficult decision today.

You're gonna lose all your fancy foosball games

You're the heart and soul of this team, Bobby.

Your loving husband, Robert. That's nice, Mama.

Your mama said alligators are ornery

Your team actin' like a bunch of shitheads.

390!

...ball. Foosball?

All right? Third and ten. Third and ten?

All right. Thanks, friend.

and I heard you were playin' football. Yes, well, I've...

and punched you in the eye? No, Mama, he...

And then attack, like you told me. I'll try.

And we were left all alone. I would've gotten my daddy water,

Are you all right? I wasn't gonna do nothin'.

Boucher knocked the poop out of him. Poop?

But you got yourself a fine woman. Thank you, Mama.

by the name of Deputy Dawg? Mama, please.

Coach, I'd like to tackle him now. Not yet.

Come by to wish me luck? Well, not exactly, no, no.

Come on in. Hey, Bobby Boucher!

Correct. All right, all right!

Dan, this is bizarre. No, it's not, Brent.

Derek. Derek! Yeah.

Does he know about this? Doesn't matter. You're a warrior.

Gatorade! H20!

Gatorade. H20.

Gee, he's gonna run the option. Option?

Go with Farmer Fran, do some laps. Shit.

Good day. Good day.

Happy New Year! Happy New Year, Mama.

He can hang out with whoever he wants! He can. Whoever he wants.

He can hang out with whoever he wants! He can. Whoever he wants.

He poked me in the eye. Captain Insano shows no mercy.

He's going for the win right now. This is a real gutsy call, Brent.

Her name's Vicki. I don't ever want you associatin'

Here comes Mama. OK.

Here you go, Vicki Vallencourt. Thank you.

Hey, coach, how you been? Lynn Swann.

Hey, stud. Vicki Vallencourt, this is...

Hey, waterboy, you're fired! Stop it!

Hey! What's up, baby? Hey.

Hold that thought. Yeah.

How'd you come up with that guess? Guess? That ain't no guess!

Hut! Grenouille back to pass.

I didn't know I needed... Forged a fake transcript.

I know the answer to this question. Raise your hand.

I never said she was the devil. Most beautiful woman in the world!

I tried. I can't. Yes.

I want you to stay away from her. Yes, Mama.

I want you to stay away from her. Yes, Mama.

I'll try. He's gonna try.

I'm not sure Boucher can get up. Oh, my baby!

I'm ready, friend. Let's do it, Bobby.

It controls aggressive behavior. That is correct!

It was me. Why?

It's cold! Yes, it's always cold.

Kick his water lovin' ass, Greg. I asked you a question, dumbass.

like Fridge did for the Bears. Hey, Waterboy!

Like sayin' you're gonna eat today. Maybe by leaving her predictions

Mama, I got the football! I got it... What a vicious hit!

Mama, I'm beggin' you, don't. That's his sheet back there.

Mama. He has to wear two pair of socks.

Me? Party? Yeah, baby!

Me? Play football? Yes.

Meaney? Here, coach.

Mud Dogs are gonna win, 30 27. That's very interesting.

Mud Dogs football! Mud Dogs football! All right!

My leg! Wow, that is a disturbing image.

My mama said... She's gonna say yes.

Nah. Me, a college student?

Nice hit, Mama. Thanks, baby.

No, I didn't. The waterboy's a cheater!

No, man. Anyone?

No! No what?

No! Get away from me. OK.

Now you see what you done? What I did?

Of course it is. My best regards to your dear mama.

Oh, my word! Is that my daddy? No, no.

On one. Ready? Break!

Pretend? I want you to visualize

Pretend? Yes.

Really? If you'd like to.

Red, 18! Red, 18!

Right now? Right now! Go!

Shoot, Mr. B. Captain Insano,

Slap hands! Whatever.

Sorry. Hey, waterboy, check this out.

Sure. What's up? Well, you know that green notebook

Thank you, Mr. Lawrence Taylor. Tell me, what is your secret?

Thank you, Vicki. Let's go.

That's what it's gonna be. OK. That's fine.

the high school equivalency test. It's not the test, coach.

The medulla oblongata. But Mama said...

The Mud Dogs offense takes the field. OK, you can do it.

They're gonna be your tackling fuel. Tacklin' fuel.

This is quite a pleasant surprise. Yeah, I just got out ofjail

Timeout from the game. What's he calling timeout for?

Vicki, I love you! I love you, too, baby.

Visualize and attack. Please! Please! Yes, yes, yes, yes.

Waterboy, number one! You can do it!

We're gonna use them to play football. Tacklin' fuel.

What are you doin'? Here, this is for you. Enjoy.

What do you have for us? I'm with Vicki Vallencourt,

What you doin', Bobby? Oh, Lord, that's some

What you readin' for? 'Cause I enjoys it, Mama.

What? Use it on the field.

Where are you going? I was just gonna get a hot pretzel.

Wow! Damn!

Yeah! Your name is needle dick.

Yes, Mr. Coach Beaulieu. You're fired!

Yes, sir! Go!

Yes. All right.

Yes. Derek.

Yes. You have to pass

you being drafted by the NFL. Not going to the NFL.

You gots to have H20. Stop worryin' about water

You just make a joke, Bobby? Yes, I did.

You just wait till tonight. What's gonna happen tonight?

You OK? He tried to open a can ofwhoop ass.

you seem to be sweating profusely. Yeah?

You want me to come to a barbecue? That's it.

You'll see. You can do it!

You're gonna be right here. There'll be no tie here today.

Your daddy, Roberto. Daddy?

Zack Thomas. Whatever.

...500,000 intimate friends...

...a rainy day.

...is where anger, jealousy and aggression come from.

'cause they got all them teeth and no toothbrush.

'cause they got all them teeth but no toothbrush.

'cause you're interested in astrology and mystical stuff like that,

'Cept you! Bobby, that woman is the devil.