Mr. Mom (1983) Edit

A little. Excuse me.

A lot.

A moment to myself, please?

A: She's an attractive woman.

About your Woobie.

Absolutely. You got it.

According to our records, since you and your associates left,

Actually, a lot of men would love to have this kind of time to spend with their kids.

Actually, I kinda would like it. But instead I'll take a kiss.

Add here.

Ah, damn.

Alex is playing football. Remember Kenny's security blanket?

Alex, Kenny, come on. Hurry up!

All of us here at Schooner Tuna sympathize...

All of us here, uh

All right, forget Rocky. Forget I brought it up. Get it outta your head.

All right, girls. Next time I'll call you, all right?

All right, I admit it. I like Halloween.

All right, Jack. What do you want me to do? Not go?

All right, Ken.

All right. Okay. Fair enough.

All right. The beard's in its transitional stage right now.

All right. Y:

American, bleu, cream, cottage,

And Oh, thank you very much.

And a two dollar rebate on a Domino's pizza...

And action.

And besides that, there's not a job available anywhere in this city.

And costs are up 19 percent.

And I'll go after you. You were here first.

And I'm gonna stick around to make sure he's okay.

And I'm liking them.

And I'm really way behind.

And I'm watching this movie and I'm thinking...

And it can take hours to get rid of the odor.

And it's Richardson, Frankel and Richardson.

And Ovaltine. [ Chuckles ]

And raise you two Tender Vittles dollar offs, okay?

And the next thing you know, you're strung out on bedspreads, Ken.

And then they were screaming at me, and there's a secretary that hates me for no reason.

And they're gonna tour it, and I was invited to go.

And two 50 cent triple ply Hefty bag offers.

And we do just the reverse when we pick up.

And we exit from the north.

And we'd like to let you know about them.

And when was that? In what context?

And you can, uh, watch with the rest of the wives.

And you just might learn something.

And you might be coming home pretty late at night.

And you think they're great, and they are they are terrific.

And, well, if there's gonna be a problem, I want you to tell me about it right now.

Any of you ever tried those Sun Pure frozen entrees?

Any time.

Are these any good?

Are you crazy? What'd you do that for?

Aren't you gonna answer that? That's the fourth time it's rung in the last hour.

As soon as this is over, I want to go back to the hotel and soak in a hot tub.

Aw, man, the devotion they gave you.

B: She wants you, Jack.

Because I'm doing my best to calm down, all right?

Because I'm doing my best to calm down, all right?

Because it means something to raise decent human beings.

Because, uh, Nikki's gonna get the results of her blood test back today.

Bends your back, drives you nuts, and it makes your boobs droop.

Boiled, baked, smoked, salt cured, sugar cured, prosciutto or westphalian?

Boys, run down to the car and get dad's sweatpants and shoes and stuff out.

Brown it in some butter. Yeah.

But don't let her sleep past 11:30, because she won't go down for her afternoon nap.

But housewives need your help, not your gimmicks.

But I knew what I was doing was important,

But I think that might take too long.

But I'll tell you something I take a lot of pride in my work.

But if we stay longer than that, we pull the old Aunt Emily.

But pretty soon, a Woobie isn't enough.

But we've managed to make a life together.

But you know what? I'm gonna be back before you go...

But, you know, I think you've got two things going for you.

Butler, you're a sportsman.

Butler? You got a problem with your horizontal hold? I don't know.

By 50 cents a can.

Bye, darling.

Bye, sweetie. [ Megan Coos ] Aww.

C: I don't even want to think about C.

Call me later!

Calls him Mr. Richardson.

Can I have...

Can't you control him?

Can't you go tomorrow, mommy?

Caroline had every right to be angry.

Caroline, I am begging you.

Caroline, these kids, in a couple of years, they're gonna outgrow this thing.

Caroline? Caroline? [ Man ] Telephone, Bill.

Come on, guys. Go to bed. We'll call her in the morning.

Come on, guys. Hurry. This is gonna be fun. I'm makin' mommy a bet.

Come on, Jack.

Come on, pal. Hey, south is drop off, north is pick up.

Come on, Ron. She doesn't know a tuna fish from a Cheerio.

Come on. Are you gonna play cards or flap your gums?

Come on. Get in the car.

Come on. What are you trying to tell me, that you're in love with me?

Couldn't hold on, could ya, Jack?

Cut the crap.

Cut, cut. Cut it.

D:

Dad, is mommy home?

Dad, my Woobie!

Dad, you passed it!

Dad!

Dad! Dad!

Dad?

Dad?

Daddy's betting mommy a hundred dollars to just her one dollar...

Damn good thing we don't have the Cheerio account.

Damn.

Dead.

Dead.

Did I leave anything else out? Wanna talk about the beard?

Did too do what?

Do you have any explanation for that?

Do, uh, any of these layouts Does anything make sense to you?

Does daddy know he got fired yet?

Don't be silly. Don't get up. Well, pizza.

Don't bother calling me. [ Women Chuckling ] Seriously, it was fun.

Don't change a thing. Leave that face exactly like that, all right?

Don't you think I know how to take care of myself?

Drain all the excess fat.

Everyone here at the Richardson Frankel agency...

Eww, I'm all grimy and sweaty here.

Exterminator.

Family starving? Take some pizza home with you.

First you gave away four glasses with every can of tuna.

Forget it. Just tell you what, just give me, uh

From the drawing board to the assembly line.

Full pro rata refund for this month's gas.

Get in there and clean the kids' room.

Gimme it. [ Kevin ] The dad'll help if he wants that baby.

Give it to me for a couple of days.

Give me a half pound of salami.

Go get 'em.

Go keep an eye on your sister. Play with her or something. All right?

Go watch TV.

Good luck.

Good point, Annette. All right.

Got him!

Gouda, edam, provolone, romano, swiss.

Half pound of salami, half pound of swiss, half pound virginia ham, two celery.

Have a seat. I'll call you when he's ready. Thank you.

He did. Ron and his group are flying to the plant tomorrow,

He did. Ron and his group are flying to the plant tomorrow,

He doesn't have it anymore. He doesn't use it. It's gone.

He's the boss. It's his tournament. You get it?

He's too much man to be left alone, Caroline.

He's up against the ropes, his eye's cut

Hello.

Hello. Oh, Jack.

Here. Guess what. A surprise.

Here's a guy who's taking a pretty bad beating, you know?

Hey, Butler! Guess what?

Hey, don't hit me, Jack. I like what you've done with the place.

Hey, fellas, I'm telling you. It's as simple as this.

Hey, Flash! [ Whistles ]

Hey, I'll trade ya. My kid for yours.

Hey, Jack, forget about it.

Hey, Jack! I love what you did to the bedroom!

Hey, Ron.

Hey, we ain't worried about the Lions! What we're worried about is the lines.

Hey! Cowards.

Hey. Hi. Boy, you guys look nice.

Hi, dad!

Hi, Jack. I'm Annette.

Hi, Joan.

Hi, Joan. I'm gonna check your basement for bugs.

Hi, sweetie. How are you?

Hi.

Hi. Come on, I'm taking you guys to bed.

Hi. I'm here for Mrs. Butler. 8:00 flight.

Hiya, Megan. Great. Trucks.

Holy cow.

Holy mackerel! Aw, man.

Hon

Hon, you're looking at one.

Honey, are you okay? [ Phone Rings ]

Honey, I can't believe this.

Honey, I know what you're talking about. I've been there myself, all right?

Honey, if you call and I'm not here, I'll be at the gym or at the gun club.

Honey! Please! Come on.

Horrible.

How about a little dinner after all this is over?

How about that? [ Women ] Ooh. Uh oh.

How about three days at the office and two days at home?

How are you? Hi, kids. Okay.

How could you?

How did you sleep? Hmm? Should we go get daddy?

How you doin'? You must be Ron Richardson.

How'd you like a little trim on that mustache, Ron? [ Buzzing ]

How's everybody?

Huh? You remember Uncle Jinx? They're big now, huh?

Humphries is gonna pull the whole account unless you come back to work.

Humphries is tough. He's probably the toughest client we've got.

I I'm fired?

I actually thought I had a job there for about 30 seconds today.

I appreciate it. And with everything. You really are.

I can't believe it. How 'bout you guys?

I can't believe people actually watch this stuff.

I can't, Joan. I can't. You can't do this to me.

I cared. You fired me for it.

I convinced a man today to spend $11 million on one of my ideas.

I could have a heart attack, I could die.

I covered for you guys as long as I could.

I did it! I really did it!

I do, you know. Because, I don't know, now I'll have the time...

I don't know what he does with his books.

I don't know why. I don't know why, but I feel great.

I don't know. I don't remember. The point is,

I don't know. Some guy.

I don't know. You might ask Mr. Latham.

I don't think we can fit any more.

I don't want it washed by the time I come home, 'cause it looks great.

I got a ton of work to do. I'll go upstairs.

I gotta go, guys. See you later.

I gotta go! Besides, honey, there's gonna be other Halloweens, you know.

I have a couple of years' experience in advertising. I have a college degree.

I hope to hell you're making a point.

I know it's not real popular right now, you know,

I know there'll be other Halloweens, but I'm thinking about this Halloween.

I know, Ron. Normally, I'd say yeah, but I'll tell you,

I know.

I like a man with a little meat on his bones.

I like splitting gas money four ways. [ Laughs ]

I love it. I love comin' down here, watchin' something go...

I love them. I do.

I loved this shirt!

I mean, has your phone been ringing off the hook?

I mean, you have applied to everything on wheels from Toyota to Schwinn.

I missed you too.

I need my job too, but what's going on here is wrong.

I owe you one, Jack.

I promised Jack I wouldn't say anything.

I sure hope I don't find any. [ Chuckles ]

I think Alex will be a little helper, won't you?

I think I can get you back on at half salary.

I think I'm gonna have to ask you to leave now, okay?

I think I'm in trouble.

I think these are on special. Doesn't matter. Go ahead.

I want this area policed. I want the animals fed. I want you to report for chow, 0700.

I want to feel alive again.

I want to make a very good impression. How do I look?

I want to say I want to say, My fellow Americans.

I want you to know it's comin' out of my severance pay too.

I warned you, Jinx.

I was comin' by to call you back.

I was kind of counting on you to take part in this. Spouses are eligible.

I wasn't there five minutes and I was thrown into this meeting...

I will see you your Tender Vittles, and I'll raise you a 50 cent Yoplait...

I would have come down and had something to eat with you and your girlfriends.

I write poetry, [ Rustling ] I paint, sculpt and oh.

I yelled at Kenny today for coloring outside the lines!

I'll bet you a hundred to one... [ Groans ] you don't get a job before I do.

I'll bet.

I'll explain it to you later.

I'll see you. Here, take this.

I'll tell you what. Just give me a quarter pound of cheese.

I'm a car maker. I make cars. I'm not an accountant.

I'm a little confused here. I'm no longer with the company.

I'm calling you with a 25 cent new and improved Ban roll on...

I'm going downstairs and sleep on the fat couch, if I can get through the door.

I'm gonna get another job, a better one! Anyway, I miss my family.

I'm gonna raise you Vancamp's pork and beans...

I'm gonna rip these walls out, and, uh, of course, rewire it.

I'm Howard Humphries, President of Schooner Tuna.

I'm Jack Butler. Nice to meet you.

I'm just waiting for Caroline.

I'm losin' it.

I'm not mad. It's just not where I want to be right now.

I'm not qualified to judge anything, really. It's my first day, and

I'm your baby sitter.

I've gotta have you back. I'll do anything.

I've thought of the kids. The kids won't hear a thing.

If I did such a bad job,

If it doesn't work, you got the Woobie back.

If you can't sell cars, you can't pay people.

If you ever talk to my kid again like that, I'm knocking you out.

In order to help you, we are reducing the price of Schooner Tuna...

In the context of my interview at lunch.

Incidentally, I really appreciate this very, very much.

Irv, we were never in aisle seven. Honest!

Is it too early for a drink?

Is than an unbelievable first day or what?

It didn't take Humphries very long to shoot down every idea we had.

It gets me hot.

It's 7:00 in the morning.

It's a jungle out there.

It's a review board. Now, it's just a formality. Oh.

It's gonna look like that movie star, uh, what's his name?

It's just a one kiss!

It's more than just pride, Nikki.

It's real easy to forget what's important. So don't.

It's that dancer's telephone number.

It's the cornerstone of all our accounts.

Italian, kosher, hard, pork, beef, cotto or what?

Jack supports everything I do. As a woman, in my career, as an executive, he supports me.

Jack, I don't take bets, and I don't want your money.

Jack, I don't want the money.

Jack, I'm gonna be back in less than a week. Can't we talk about this then?

Jack, if you could back me up,

Jack, Jack. My name's Jack.

Jack, why are you dealing me this garbage? I'm out.

Jack?

Jack. Jack.

Jack. Uh

Joan, do I look fat or, uh,

Joan, I'm gonna go upstairs and take a shower.

Joan. Hi. How are you?

Just a minute, Alex. Daddy's talking.

Just doing a little work around the house. Kenny!

Just keep him busy. Give him his tinkertoys or his coloring book.

Just who is the culprit?

Keep that sense of humor. It's critical. Humor.

Keep your mouth shut and your ears open,

Ken, give me that sword!

Ken, she here? [ Ken ] I think she's here now, dad.

Ken! Mom!

Kenny, come on, man.

Kenny, he'll pretty much take care of himself, won't you?

Kenny!

Kenny'd talk. Alex Alex would be okay.

Kevin's a skunk.

Laid off. Just laid off, remember?

Larry and Stan would say anything you wanted them to say.

Larry! Hey! Get the valium.

Larry! Larry!

Larry! Larry! Come on! No! No!

Let me check. Irv, are these Kotex maxi pads on special?

Let me see. Is Caroline Butler there?

Let me take a break! [ Together ] Two! Three! Four!

Let me talk to you.

Let me tell you about flannel.

Let's get into it.

Let's get it straight next time, all right? Come on, move it. Move it.

Let's go, monkeys! I want all of you up! Let's go!

Let's go! ♪ [ Discordant ]

Let's go. We're running late. Oh! Yeah, okay.

Let's just say you're an extremely attractive woman.

Like having your gums sc****d.

Lines, lines. Yeah.

Listen, Ace.

Listen, uh, we better go here. Come on.

Listen, you guys get in now and go, and I'm gonna get a cab.

Look, he's offering me full salary and a company car. What do you think?

Look, I don't know what this guy told you.

Look, you want me to be really honest with you Ron?

Look, you won. A bet's a bet!

Looks like we got ourselves a little competition this year. Butler is a real jock.

M: I'm a free agent.

Maybe I was a little confused. Maybe I was a little frustrated.

Maybe you could have a fresh opinion.

Me and my wife went to the movies the other night. We saw Rocky.

Megan and I are starting to watch the same TV shows,

Might even be the toughest job in the entire world.

Missed you.

Mm hmm. Well, Jack, I can't not go.

Mmm.

Mmm.

Mmm. Very good.

Moi? [ Chuckles ] Yep. A lot.

Mommy doesn't do it like this.

Mommy training can be very, very tricky, and I can help...

Morning, Alex.

Morning, baby.

Morning. Good morning. Morning, campers.

Move it, monkeys! Move it! Let's go!

Mr. Latham, Mr. Butler, you can go in now.

Mrs. Turner, please come to the desk.

My baby! Who are you?

My brain is like oatmeal.

My father founded this agency on Schooner Tuna.

My fellow Americans

My fellow Americans, I am Howard Humphries, President of Schooner Tuna.

My lips are sealed.

N: I could be in the middle of it,

Nagasaki? The Ruhr Valley?

Next came 100 free trips to Hawaii.

Nice, boys. You look real nice.

No problem. Come on over here. Let me show you what I'm doin'.

No, but your wife does.

No, he had a vasectomy.

No, how about something simple? I got a Hamburger Wellington that's out of this world.

No, I can't, because everyone else is going tonight, and I have to go.

No, I don't wanna go over the list! Okay. Let's go over the list.

No, no. Fine, fine.

No, no. Please. Listen to me.

No, thanks. Hey, where's your mom keep the vacuum cleaner?

No.

No. I'm

No. Lie to him. He likes it.

No. No, it was very insensitive of us.

Nobody takes it seriously. It's just good clean fun.

North to pick up. Pick 'em up. Okay! That's a good system.

Not during working hours. Oh, I'm sorry, pal.

Not now, kid! I'm talking here!

Not this one. His great grandfather, commander Richardson, built it.

Now, as I recall, you were stuck with 60,000 of these, right?

Now, come on, come on, relax.

Now, come on! It's time for you to be a stand up guy.

Now, do you wanna go over that list one more time?

Now, give me the Woobie.

Now, I don't mean to be disrespectful, Mr. Humphries,

Now, I'd appreciate it if you just don't talk to me right now,

Now, if we want to beat our competitors, the time for these gimmicks is over with.

Now, listen to me. I understand...

Now, remember, this is in strictest confidence.

Now, this is what I propose.

Now, wait a minute.

Now, who knew there was going to be a hurricane that month?

Nuh uh. Listen, you're doing a really great job with the kids, honey.

Number one, your experience as a homemaker. You're fresh from the trenches of consumerism.

Of course I always play your favorites. [Kenny] Alex! Don't.

Of course not! I want you to succeed.

Of course! [ Engine Revs ]

Oh, boy, am I gonna miss you guys.

Oh, boy. And, number two, you've got a

Oh, Caroline. Don't you look nice.

Oh, for god's sake, what does he want now, Caroline?

Oh, good. Another grown up.

Oh, I get it. Fat jokes, right?

Oh, I'm quite sure you do.

Oh, it was, uh it was terrible.

Oh, Jack! [ Gasps ]

Oh, Jinx. You did it, didn't you?

Oh, look who's talking. I called your hotel,

Oh, man. What's the record for the least amount of sleep ever?

Oh, my god!

Oh, my god.

Oh, my god. Oh, my god.

Oh, no! Hold it!

Oh, not at all. I was just having a little chat here with your hubby, uh

Oh, really? You don't seem to have outgrown it, Jack.

Oh, Ron Richardson.

Oh, thanks for the loan.

Oh, thanks, but, uh, Ron gave me this tuna presentation to do,

Oh, trying to play hard to get, huh?

Oh, weirdo.

Oh, wow!

Oh, yeah. We're, uh, very proud of her. The children are, and we're all real proud at home.

Oh! Hmm. Sorry.

Oh! Orson Welles. [ Laughs ]

Oh. All right.

Oh. Well, you probably want to be alone, huh?

Oh. Yeah.

Okay, baby. Bye. Thanks.

Okay, be very, very quiet.

Okay, Butler. I guess you're next.

Okay, come on, everybody. Let's eat dinner.

Okay, good. All righty.

Okay, how about the beard? I mean, uh, Caroline hates the beard.

Okay, Kenny. Now look. Run, Kenny, run!

Okay, move it out, and remember, south to drop off,

Okay, well, I uh Let's see here.

Okay, you've got my attention. Shoot.

Okay.

Okay. Here's the joke of the day.

Okay. Honey, please. For daddy. Meg, please, okay?

Okay. I'd appreciate it if you guys kept it down, okay?

Okay. Kenny! What are you doing?

Okay. Okay.

Okay. Okay. Okay.

Okay. The Aunt Emily. Right.

Okay. They're onto me, hon.

One or two? Or three?

Only he took me to bed first, and it's your fault.

Ooh.

Or for the child to find out later on?

Or maybe a quilt,

Or watch television, whatever you want.

Original. Caroline.

Orson Welles?

Over in the frozen food section Kenny, where are the eggs?

Over there, dad.

Overweight at all to you?

Pardon me. Could you use margarine in that?

Please do it for me, would you?

Please, Megan. Please. Daddy will buy you a T Bird.

Please?

Probably the deceased Mr. Cashman. Ha. Wrong, Vic.

Production in your division is off by 23 percent...

Really?

Relax, Butler. You're not gonna win anyway.

Remember, when Kenny starts talking to his breakfast, that means he's finished, right?

Remember, you don't know where this has been. [ All Chuckling ]

Richardson answers the phone, and I hear champagne chilling in the background?

Richardson answers the phone, and I hear champagne chilling in the background?

Right right right around here would be fine.

Right. Sorry. Here. We'll settle out of court.

Robots. Thank you.

Ron said he was sending a car, but he didn't say anything about a limo!

Ron, what is your position?

Ron? And who would Ron be?

Ron.

Ron. Oh, Ron.

Room service, madam.

Save a couple of steps here.

Schooner Tuna commercial, take 24.

Schooner Tuna is one of the three most expensive tunas on the market.

Schooner Tuna sympathizes with those hit so hard by this trying economy.

Schooner Tuna. The tuna with a heart.

Scotch?

See?

Shall we? Oops!

She earned that promotion, I can assure you, Jack.

She wants you bad.

She's in the tub. Who is this?

She's not just selling tuna, son, she's selling America!

Shoot me! Shoot me!

Show them that you really care about their problems, and you'll win their loyalty.

Signed, Howard Humphries, President, Schooner Tuna. The tuna with a heart.

Since you're probably the only one in the room that got a decent night's sleep,

So don't be ashamed about asking for help.

So my position is,

So now let me give you some of mine.

So what? Come on. What else do you have?

So you can just forget about this annulment...

So, I guess we better get going.

Somebody better figure out a way to sell some tuna fish pretty damn quick.

Something's gonna turn up. You guys are terrific engineers.

Sorry I'm late. [ Sighs ]

Sorry. Habit.

South to drop off, moron!

Stay right here, okay? Comin' back.

Stay right here. I'm not supposed to let strangers in the house.

Stay!

Sure. Anything but, uh, tuna.

Sweetie. All right, just relax. There's nothing to this, you know.

Takin' advantage of some of the time off to add a whole new wing on here.

Taking pride in your work, but I did.

Technically furloughed. Why don't you give me a break!

Technically, furloughed, sport.

Tell him I don't make a move without Larry and Stan.

Tell him I'll be right down.

Tell me I'm doing it wrong. I know how to do this.

Tell me something, Jack. What did it, huh? The boredom?

Thank you.

Thank you. I don't have any kids!

Thanks so much for thinking of it. Girls, girls.

Thanks, honey. I'm moving now. I'll be there in a minute.

Thanks.

Thanks. I'd love to take this time...

Thanks. I'm sorry if I kept you waiting.

Thanks. It's amazing what you can do with a Sears card.

That sounds like a great idea. [ Buzzer Sounds ]

That you little guys start out with your woobies...

That's a lie. That's not true.

That's all I want to do. That yeah.

That's from their Safari collection.

That's good. Step to. Hup, two, three, four. That's it.

That's it for me. I'll fold.

That's okay. I I have no place to go,

That's real funny. Yeah, I've put on a couple of pounds.

That's serious.

That's them. I gotta go.

The baby's more important to you than Caroline?

The house is a mess, Jack. The kids are a mess, Jack. You're a mess, Jack.

The loneliness? Well, I did it, Jack. I did it for eight years.

The most important thing is that [ Valet Whistles ] you didn't get fired.

The point is, Megan just cut two new teeth. I'll bet you didn't know that.

The point is, when you're down, you're not necessarily out.

The repetition? The days, one flowing into the next?

Then you can stop cutting my steak.

There she is!

There were no ships in the army.

There you are.

There's a lot of traffic out there. A lot of beautiful cars, though.

There's an emotional element missing. I

There's your daddy. [ Jack Groans ] She's yours and I'm Joan.

They need their jobs.

They're gonna knock him out, baby.

This is cold, and the cheese isn't hardly melted down.

This is her husband. Who the hell is this?

This is my bedroom, isn't it?

This is serious poker.

This is so much more fun than bridge, Jack.

This is what I tell all my new mommies: We enter from the south...

This way our little ones don't have to walk between the cars to get to the learning facility.

Three, four. Yeah! [ Chattering Indistinctly ]

Tired, huh?

To carry you upstairs, and let you tell me all about it,

To do some work around the house I've been wanting to get to.

To have their baggage checked before boarding the buses.

To help you, we are reducing the price of our tuna by 50 cents a can.

To your first meeting of the knights of the round table, I promise.

Today show. Gene Shalit.

Two hours notice, and you're off to Los Angeles like that.

Ugh. My dog wouldn't eat 'em.

Uh

Uh oh, I'm going to be late. My first day.

Uh, .38, .39, whatever it took.

Uh, I cut the department to the bone, and they caught me.

Uh, I will, Larry. You all right?

Uh, it's gotta be Kevin's.

Uh, one, I think. I don't know.

Uh, there's no game today. The game's called off.

Uh, well

Uh, well

Until then, remember, we're all in this together.

Until then, remember, we're all in this together.

Vic, open your eyes. Buddy. She's been makin' it with your friend Kevin.

Victor, it's Nikki.

Victor? How can it be Victor?

Wait a minute, guys. Wait.

Wait a minute.

Wait a second. I'll take care of this.

Wait, what do you think? I'll never get another job again? Don't worry about it.

Wait. Guys, stay right here. Alex, Kenny, watch her for a minute, okay?

Wake up, Vic! She already buried one husband.

Want a beer?

Watch. She's gonna blame it on you now.

We can get some more in there.

We can't believe it, hon. None of us can. We're stunned.

We don't get along. It's certainly true enough.

We have people to do that.

We have.

We heard you got fired.

We sprang for dinner! You can't walk out on us now!

We want you to roll up the window, lean back and enjoy all the good sounds...

We'll make it a contest. What? It'll be fun.

We'll play tomorrow. Am I right? [ All Agreeing ]

We'll stay ten minutes. Ten minutes.

We're all onto you, honey. [ Car Horn Honks ]

We're going to jail. [ Giggling ]

We're gonna be playing this morning.

We're gonna do it the Jack Butler method. What is this? This is nuts.

We're just finishing.

We've got to get over to see, uh, Caroline's Aunt Emily.

Weather man says we're going to have sunny skies.

Welcome to the Richardson Frankel annual corporate olympics!

Well

Well, he asked me to call him Ron.

Well, hello down there.

Well, I am making a point, Mr. Humphries. The point is,

Well, I'm glad somebody had a good day.

Well, I'm gonna see your 25 cent Wheaties rebate...

Well, I'm ready.

Well, it may not be healthy, but it's fun. Right, guys?

Well, it's only 8:30 in California.

Well, now that we have the names straight, would you mind explaining to me...

Well, now, before we go in here, let me give you some advice.

Well, Ron, you know women.

Well, she ought to know. Come on in.

Well, somebody has got to pour the champagne.

Well, take pride in some of that fat, Porky!

Well, thank you. And my husband thanks you too.

Well, that's some consolation.

Well, there's not gonna be any problem, see?

Well, uh, this is very good. I like it's mermaids?

Well, why don't you stick around for a few minutes anyway,

Well, you try to get some sleep now, okay? And don't worry.

Well, you've got a plane to catch. [ Chuckles ]

What are

What are we watching here, Kenny?

What do you think of this shirt?

What is it? [ Men Chattering ]

What is this, This is your life?

What saw me through was pride. I had pride in this house, in my kids...

What, do you all have dates or something?

What? Aw, shit!

What'd you use, a .38?

What's green and rides through the west?

When this crisis is over, we will go back to our regular prices.

When this crisis is over, we'll go back to our regular prices.

When was the last time any of you people were in a supermarket?

Where am I gonna catch on? Where we gonna catch on?

Where are you going?

Where's he putting it? No, don't tell me, don't tell me, don't tell me, don't tell me.

Where's mommy keep the extra diapers?

Where's my baby? Come on.

Which Rocky was it?

Who are you?

Who cares?

Who was he fightin'?

Whoa!

Why did I get rid of that Woobie?

Why did production go down and costs go up after you fired me, huh?

Why didn't you tell me this morning I was being canned?

Why do you have to go to California?

Why don't you retire that thing to the dry cleaning hall of fame, huh?

Why don't you run and tell your mommy that Mr. Richardson is here.

Why I come all the way home to talk to you, and I find another woman in our room?

Why not? He that good?

Why? There are no kids to go home to tonight.

Will Mrs. Turner please come to the desk.

With sitters and shopping and menus, and even if you just want to talk.

With those of you hit so hard by these trying economic times.

Would you forget the pa

Wow! [ Chuckles ]

Wow. What a house.

Wrong. Nikki doesn't even love you.

Yeah, 220, 221. Whatever it takes.

Yeah, but I don't work for him.

Yeah, he's quite a guy.

Yeah, I like to think I do.

Yeah, I'm glad you brought up, uh what's his name?

Yeah, well, so do I, honey. Remember, I was gonna dress up as a prison matron tonight?

Yeah, yeah, I love you. But you're making me crazy.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah. [ Groans ]

Yeah. Probably mortgaged to the eyeballs.

Yeah. Unemployment lines, welfare lines, food lines. You know, those lines?

Yeah. Well, I like to do a little bit of everything, Ron.

Yeah. You should have called me.

Yes, but we're not gonna mention it to him, are we, honey?

You and I have to have a man to man talk here...

You are so adorable when you're angry.

You bet.

You can get a drink. You know where we keep everything.

You can give me both of 'em. I don't know what the hell I'm doin'.

You covered for us?

You crazy? You fed a baby chili?

You dump Jack, you marry me,

You got a lot of guts.

You got a problem.

You got your profit sharing.

You gotta hang tough. I don't I don't know.

You had quite a burst of nervous energy last night.

You had to do it.

You heard anything, Jinx?

You know I mean

You know how many of these things I went to for you?

You know, I know this sounds crazy, but I actually feel great.

You know, if you were here, I was gonna suggest you go as a ghost,

You know, when your dad was in the army, we had to run a tight ship.

You look great, Jack.

You mean Jaws?

You really hit him? [ Caroline Chuckles ]

You son of a bitch! I'll kill ya! You

You sound like a pretty handy guy.

You sure did.

You threw me at him. You let him know it was perfectly fine to take me to San Francisco.

You want a company car?

You want me to be a stand up guy? Okay, I'll be a stand up guy.

You want my Woobie?

You want to knock it off?

You worried about the Lions? They're slow starters. Don't worry. It's pre season.

You're bettin' now. Alex, Kenny! Come here.

You're gonna get a job any day now. Really.

You're makin' me nuts. Da da.

You're not exactly walking out of here empty handed. You've got your full severance.

You're not fired.

You're out on the street trying to score an electric blanket...

You're qualified.

You're right. God knows I'm guilty. I deserve it.

You're stuck with 100,000 of these flower leis.

You're too damn good not to catch on somewhere.

You've been wearing this shirt for about two weeks now. It could walk by itself.

Your entire cheddar family. Can you run the hams back one more time?

Your wife says you do.

Z: You're not gonna do anything,

[ Chuckles ] You knew where they were taking me, didn't you?

[ Director ] Quiet! Schooner Tuna commercial, take 25.

[ Joan Laughs ] [ Woman on P.A. ] Irv, clean up on aisle seven!

[ Loudly ] Pleased to meet you. Huh?

[ Sighs ] Looks like you're the ace in the hole, kid.

7:30? 7:30!

Alex has school at 7:30. 7:30. His pickup is 1:00 sharp. 1:00.

All right. The only one that was even civil to me was Ron.

Amen. Lines?

And if we can agree that you are an executive, Mm hmm.

And please don't let her sit around in a wet diaper. Obviously, hon.

And, you know, we're in pretty good shape. Yep, we are, for a while.

And? I'm sorry, Jack.

Are you kidding? Take it. Okay, look, Bert,

Aren't you being a little hard on yourself? No! It's fine!

Aw, don't Jack me. After the support! Jack.

But Kevin gets all the girls. He sure got Nikki.

Bye, honey. Mommy? Yes?

Can we call mommy? No, we can't. She's in California.

Caroline, we really have to get going. Hey, Madison Avenue, lighten up.

Caroline? Mm hmm.

Caroline. Oh, hi. [ Caroline ] Pizza, huh?

Colonel Chicken. We can't afford that!

Come on. Let's go. Sure you're okay?

Dad! Hold on a minute!

Dad? Yeah?

Daddy, my Woobie's ripped. Ken, you know what? Maybe it's time to get rid of the Woobie.

Did you see my little girl? Yeah. She's adorable.

Disability! Oh, no! No! Oh, no! No!

Don't look now, but I think he's looking at you. No, he's

Don't you think I know? Say good bye, darling.

Doris, this is a friend of mine, Joan. TV.

Excuse me. Joan, come on.

Excuse me. Wait.

Exterminator. I can't hear you.

Flap my gums! It's gettin' ugly in here.

Get in. 'Cause I don't Where are you taking me?

Get into what, Jack? Get into this.

Go to the front door. Okay.

Good point. It isn't healthy.

Gotta get a new tube. Ron!

Great. Let me have it. Okay. Start with two pounds of ground round, lean and mean.

Great. There's only one more thing I want. What's that?

He doesn't make a move without Larry and Stan. Oh, you got a deal.

Hello. Hi, Caroline.

Here, eat this spaghetti. [ Woman on P.A. ] Irv, spaghetti on aisle nine.

Here's my number. All right. Thank you. I'm sorry, what's this say underneath here?

Hey, all right. I'll stick around for a while.

Hey, did he have a mohawk? Like Mr. T?

Hey, I don't wanna bet. Hey, I thought somebody said they wanted to bet.

Hey, wait, Flash! Wait for me! Hey, Joan!

Hey. Hey, Butler.

Hey. Come on. All right. All right.

Hi, kids. Hi, mom!

Hi. Kitchen's clean.

Hi. You're doing it wrong.

Hi. I'm here to adjust the pilot on your water heater. Okay by me.

Hi. Thanks. Caroline told me you'd be around. Can I give you a hand?

Hmm? How about this food?

How you doin', gents? Havin' a good time?

Hurt your hand? No.

I already put the word out. What would you say if I did too?

I can't believe it. I can't believe it.

I couldn't say anything until it was official! Wait a minute!

I do? Mm hmm.

I don't even have a dollar. Oh, you wanna bet, but you don't have a dollar?

I don't know where he gets this. On second thought, I will take this money.

I don't think I'll be called upon to defend my honor. I doubt it.

I don't think I'm gonna need it. What is it?

I I'm in a lot of trouble. Look, I'm not talking to you.

I might need it for lunch or something special. Okay.

I think I found your problem. What is it?

I think Lindbergh has it. Well, I think I beat him last night.

I thought you loved that job. Thanks.

I'd sure like to have a copy of that when I come back. Uh, sure. Yeah?

I'll be right back. I get 45 bucks an hour.

I'm a regular Phil Donahue here. Yes, you are.

I'm really sorry, Howard Damn well right, you're sorry.

I'm sorry. [ Crying ]

I've got a stake in this kid. [ Iron Hisses ]

If I did, wouldn't I tell you guys? Not necessarily.

If you were so unhappy why didn't you say something? Because I wasn't unhappy!

Irv, one lost child. [ Irv ] Lost child alert.

Is it Kevin's baby? [ TV Continues ] Not sure.

It's a comfortable shirt! Jack, take a look at yourself. You've thrown in the towel.

It's a treat. Yeah, it's thrilling for us too.

Jack Okay, come on, doll face. Give me a dollar.

Jack. Jack.

Joan? Caroline!

Joan? Jack. Caroline?

Just put the laundry in. Dad, can we fix lunch?

Kenny, hold the money. I better hold it, dad. Money makes him crazy.

Kenny, hold the money. I better hold it, dad. Money makes him crazy.

Kids. Huh.

Little woman's off again, huh? Shut up, Annette.

Lunch? Mm hmm.

Management wants you back! Jack!

Management wants you back! Jack!

Mm hmm. You sent out for chinese food, huh?

Mm hmm. I'll wake Kenny. Okay, but don't touch his Woobie.

Morning. Hi, mommy. Did you sleep good?

Never better. Like a log. Good, 'cause your shower's ready.

Never mind, Irv! Forget it. [ Irv on P.A. ] Kotex, 19 cents off.

Next. May I have a half a pound of ham?

No, I don't think so. I'm too tired. Just

No, no, no! Okay, all right!

No. Okay.

No. No, I don't need it. Joan, don't forget your coupons.

None of it's yours, Jinx. Aw, come on, come on.

Not so easy, is it? Boy, I'll say.

Oh, boy. That's all we need. Yeah.

Oh, do you want me to answer it? Yeah!

Oh, don't get up! Don't get up. Geez. That late already?

Oh, Jack. Can we bet too? Absolutely!

Oh, Jack. Hi.

Oh, no well, butter's my personal choice. But butter can scorch.

Oh, this isn't a contest. No, hon. This'll be good. This is a good idea.

Oh, yeah. Okay. 'Cause remember what Jinx said.

Ohh! Gee, one punch!

Okay, okay. Come here. Okay.

One punch! One punch! Caroline? Oh, I've caught you at a bad time.

Ooh. That's good. [ Laughs ]

Really? What the hell's that supposed to mean? Well, basically,

Right! The tuna with a heart! I love this bleeding heart shit.

Right. She'll be right out. Okay.

Ron, get out. I'm not kidding. Ron! Oh, don't be coy with

Ron, get out. We could make a great team, Caroline.

Ron? You know, Mr. Richardson? He actually asked for my opinion,

See you guys. Jack, keep in touch.

She's lost. You left a child in a shopping cart?

She's... [ Caroline ] Sick. ...Dying.

Steven. Mom! Kenny!

Take it easy on daddy. Remember, he's a rookie. Bye, mom.

Ten minutes? [ Exhales ] Fifteen, tops.

Thanks. Basement's clean. Oh, thanks.

Thanks. I am so impressed with you.

That's That's American, that's what that is. That's what I think!

That's right. That's a good way to look at it, I guess.

That's right. You didn't tell Lou until after he chipped in for gas money.

There is? Yes.

There we go. Yip, yip, hooray! There we go. That's it.

There you go. [ Nikki ] All you're interested in is the baby.

There's no reason I shouldn't try to get a job myself. Have I been missing something?

There's too much easy marriage and divorce. Here you go. Good as new.

Think so? He didn't see Rocky.

This shoe. Oh. [ Chuckles ]

Tough luck, Jeff. Jack!

Uh Jack.

Uh [ Woman ] Just get bologna, mister.

Very nice outfit, honey. Thank you.

Wait till I get the kids. I don't bet. I don't take bets. I don't believe in bets.

Wait. Will she rub her ears again? No. Just in the morning.

Want me to go and kick a little ass, honey? [ Together ] Yeah, dad!

Was his manager dead or alive? Yeah.

We got it covered. Right, guys? Okay.

We want daddy to feel good, don't we? You hear that?

We're having special dinner. What are we having?

Well, does your wife like seafood? Seafood smells up the kitchen,

Well, hang tough, baby. Yeah, be Rocky!

Well, no, Jack. You think you're gonna get a job before I do?

Well, there's more. More?

Well, you gotta eat something, honey. If I wanted something to eat,

What d'you got? She's bluffing.

What do you mean? I mean we're gonna be working long, hard hours,

What? Exterminator!

What'd he do, make a pass? I just got a little out of hand, and she belted me.

What's he doing? Winning.

When Megan starts rubbing her ears, it's time for her nap. Nap.

Where is everybody? [ Jack ] Up here.

Who are Larry and Stan? Thanks.

Who was that on my phone? Uh, wrong number. [ Chuckles ]

Why? 'Cause there's a death in the family.

Why? There's a limousine out front.

Wow. that she doesn't get a job before me.

Wow. that she doesn't get a job before me.

Yeah. Listen. What this is about, it's a

Yeah. Well, what are you doing here?

Yeah. Where is it?

Yeah. I don't know. Uh Aw, come on.

Yeah. Real thrilling. What's the matter, boys? You look depressed.

Yes, I am. Where in the hell have you been hiding this little girl?

You ever eat tuna fish? Yes.

You fired these guys after all they've contributed. Jack.

You mean Kevin Bancroft? That's exactly who I mean.

You quit your job? I didn't like that job.

You threw it, didn't you? You did good, dad.

You wanna talk about this shirt for a second, Jack? All right.

You're a working woman. Can't you understand? I'll tell you something else.

You're fired too. Now you fire me.

You're not a bum, are you, daddy? No, but I'm workin' on it.

You're on. So soon?

Your Woobie's looking bad, bud. No.

'cause even when you're here, you're not here!

'cause I'm such a nice guy. [Kenny] No!

'cause you, my friend, are in love with your wife.

[ Alarm Buzzing ]

[ Alarm Stops Buzzing ] Dad! Dad!

[ Alex ] Because you're doing it wrong.

[ Alex ] Somebody must have died.

[ Alex ] Yea! Let's enjoy it. It may be our last.

[ Alex ] You want some chili?

[ Alex and Ken ] Yea! Forget the paper.

[ All Chattering ]

[ All Chuckling ] Caroline, congratulations!

[ All Scoffing ] Harriet housewife.

[ Assistant ] Gaffer tape, please? Okay. Fine, fine.

[ Babbling ]

[ Banging ]

[ Bicycle Bell Dings ]

[ Both Laughing ]

[ Both Men Laughing ]

[ Brakes Squeal ]

[ Buzzing Continues ]

[ Car Horn Honking ] [ Honks ]

[ Caroline ] Well, you're mad, aren't you? [Jack] I'm not mad.

[ Cart Wheel Rattling ]

[ Chattering ]

[ Chattering ] Good bye!

[ Chattering, Indistinct ]

[ Cheering ]

[ Cheering ]

[ Chili Splats ] Over there.

[ Choking ]

[ Chuckles ]

[ Chuckles ] Everybody, uh, please welcome Caroline Butler.

[ Chuckles ] Hell, no. But the client is.

[ Chuckles ] Now, bear with me.

[ Chuckles ] You've been drinking a lot, haven't you, Ron?

[ Chuckles ] Yum, yum, tuna bits. That's very funny.

[ Chuckling ]

[ Chuckling ] These aren't the same guys from the space shuttle, are they?

[ Chuckling ] Jaws.

[ Clears Throat ] Well, these are the last two campaigns for Schooner Tuna.

[ Continues Chuckling ] Daddy?

[ Continues Ringing ] Oh, okay. Here we go. Hello?

[ Crying ] I know, but j

[ Dial Tone ]

[ Dial Turning ] Give it everything, I guess.

[ Director ] Clear it.

[ Director ] Okay, folks. One more time. [ Assistant ] Quiet, please!

[ Dog Barking ]

[ Door Closes ]

[ Door Closes ]

[ Doorbell Rings ]

[ Doorbell Rings ]

[ Doorbell Rings ]

[ Doorbell Rings ]

[ Doorbell Rings ]

[ Doorbell Rings ] Excuse me. I have a household to run.

[ Everyone Cheering ]

[ Everyone Laughing ]

[ Everyone Laughing ]

[ Everyone Shouting At Once ]

[ Explosion ]

[ Gasps ]

[ Groans ] God.

[ Grunts ] [ Phone Clatters ]

[ Guests Chattering ] Oh, thank you.

[ Gunshot ]

[ Honking Continues ]

[ Horn Honks ]

[ Horn Honks ]

[ Horns Honking ]

[ Horns Honking Continuously ]

[ Irv ] Spaghetti, aisle nine. Check.

[ Irv on P.A. ] Aisle four, check.

[ Jack ] Okay, I've got 25 cent Wheaties. Rebate. Ooh.

[ Jack ] Take the money, Caroline.

[ Jack ] Why are they all honking?

[ Jack ] Yeah. Hand me down.

[ Jack, Kids ] ♪ Oh, Susanna oh, don't you cry for me ♪

[ Ken ] Dad's making some minor changes.

[ Kevin ] Do you think I'm gonna let that get in the record for everybody to see?

[ Kevin ] Right. My own flesh and blood.

[ Kevin ] We'll try to make this work. Okay. Give it.

[ Kids Chattering ]

[ Kids Yelling ]

[ Kiss ] You sleep okay? Oh! Me?

[ Kiss ] You sleep okay? Oh! Me?

[ Kisses ] Bye, honey.

[ Knock at Door ]

[ Knock on Door ]

[ Laughing ]

[ Laughing ]

[ Laughing ] [ Chuckling ]

[ Laughs ] ♪ He's married ♪

[ Laughs ] Love you, Jack!

[ Machine Rumbling ]

[ Machinery Clattering ]

[ Man ] How about roasted eggplant? I don't

[ Man ] You know what that's going to lead to, don't you?

[ Man on P.A. ] Good morning, shoppers. We have some specials this morning,

[ Man on P.A. ] Ladies and gentlemen.

[ Man on P.A. ] Remember, we're a volume store I have the right of way.

[ Man on TV ] So I'm not the father of the child.

[ Megan Gurgles ] [ Crash ]

[ Megan Laughing ]

[ Men ] ♪ Plop, plop, fizz, fizz oh, what a relief it is ♪

[ Moans ]

[ Mobile Key Clicking ]

[ Mother ] He's coming now. Everybody smile real big.

[ Muttering ] Thanks, Irv.

[ Nikki ] Oh, yeah. I'm fine.

[ Nikki ] Then we'll just have a no fault divorce.

[ Nikki ] You'll have other children with Caroline! [ Kevin ] That might happen

[ Nikki ] You're such a fool. [ Kevin ] That's right Nikki! I'm a fool.

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

[ Objects Clattering ]

[ Phone Ringing ] ♪ [ Soap Opera Theme Playing ]

[ Radio Announcer ] It's gonna be a beautiful day in Detroit today.

[ Ringing ]

[ Ringing Continues ]

[ Rings ] ♪ What were the chances ♪

[ Roaring ]

[ Ron ] There's no way I can do that. I need Jack, will you listen to me?

[ Ron ] You must be pretty darn proud of our little Caroline, huh?

[ Saw Buzzing ]

[ Saw Turns Off ] to meet you.

[ Scoffs ] Did I tell ya? I knew it.

[ Scoffs ] Ron, what are you doing?

[ Scoffs ] Very funny, Jack.

[ Scoffs ] What happened?

[ Screams ]

[ Shouting ]

[ Shouting ] I said, I'm pleased...

[ Shower Running ]

[ Sighs ]

[ Sighs ]

[ Sighs ]

[ Sighs ]

[ Sighs ]

[ Sighs ] I put the word out.

[ Sighs ] Right.

[ Sighs ] Yes, hello, Nikki.

[ Smoke Alarm Buzzes ]

[ Sniffles ] You gave me some real good advice once.

[ Softly ] Honey. Wake up.

[ Stations Changing ]

[ Tapping ] Morning.

[ Thunder Crashing ]

[ Thunder Rolling ] [ Gasps ] Jack!

[ Tires Screeching ]

[ Tires Screeching ]

[ Together ] Hi, mommy. How was your day?

[ TV, Indistinct ] Thanks, babe.

[ Vacuum Roaring ]

[ Vacuum Roaring ]

[ Vacuum Roaring ]

[ Vic on TV ] Yes?

[ Water Exploding ]

[ Water Sloshing ]

[ Water Sloshing ]

[ Whistle Blowing ]

[ Woman ] Hey, Butler! Yeah?

[ Woman ] I I want it to lead there.

[ Woman ] Will all the passengers be sure...

[ Woman ] You don't wanna know. Let me guess.

[ Woman on P.A. ] Irv! Clean up in aisle four.

[ Woman on P.A. ] Jack Butler, report to the staff office.

[ Woman on TV ] Kevin, please. [ Scoffs ]

[ Woman on TV ] Won't be so bad when I get your bangs rolled.

[ Women Chattering ]

[ Women Complaining ] I just want

[Both Kids] Yea!

[Caroline] Mm hmm. Okay. Jack, a real pleasure.

[Sighs ] Jack, there is nothing I could do about it.

♪ [ Continues ]

♪ [ Disco ] [ Women Screaming ]

♪ [ Disco ] [ Women Screaming ]

♪ [ Instrumental ]

♪ [ Lullaby ]

♪ [ Singing Theme from Rocky ] Watch his left!

♪ [ Soap Opera Sad Medley ]

♪ [ Soap Opera Theme Continues ]

♪ [ Soap Opera Theme Intensifies ]

♪ [ Soap Opera Theme Playing ]

♪ [ Theme from Rocky ]

♪ [Chariots of Fire by Vangelis Plays] ♪

♪ Exchanging glances ♪

♪ Fly so high ♪

♪ Flying high now ♪

♪ Gonna fly ♪

♪ Gonna fly now ♪

♪ Gonna fly now ♪

♪ Gonna fly now ♪

♪ So were we once ♪

♪ Strangers in the night ♪

♪ Susanna Oh, don't you cry for me ♪

♪ Wandering in the night ♪ [ Cork Pops ]

♪ We'd be sharing love ♪ Hello? Alex who?

♪ We're coming ♪ Hi, everybody. Mommy's home.