Don Jon (2013) Edit

A lot of different things and then...

All right, all right, all right. Take it easy, take it easy.

All right, listen, listen, I gotta go, so I'll see you later? All right. Bye.

All right, Mom, OK.

All right, you wanna hear this shit? It's so fucking retarded.

All right. [LAUGHS]

All right. I'll open it.

All right. So, what is it?

All right. When was the last time you went a day without it?

All you do is look at porno. That's all you fucking do!

Also, I watched pornographic videos and masturbated 22 times.

Also, I watched pornographic videos and masturbated 35 times.

Am I a bad mother, is that what I'm hearing?

Amen.

Amen.

Amen.

Amen.

And everything's fine.

And for a long time, I thought I'd never beat that. But today...

And I absolve you from your sins in the name of the Father, of the Son

And I absolve you from your sins in the name of the Father, of the Son

And I absolve you from your sins in the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit.

And I absolve you from your sins in the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit.

And I can tell she is losing herself in me,

And I don't mean love like, I love her, I wanna marry her.

And I saw her, you couldn't miss her.

And it's just me and her, right there,

And it's nothing to do with actual sex. That's why you have trouble with real women.

And it's pretty amazing how easy it is to get porn on the go these days.

And my time is precious to me.

And she has to lose herself in you. It's a two way thing.

And the only thing in the world is those tits...

And this girl does that a lot.

And tonight, I finally got to fuck her.

And we 're just fucking... lost together.

And when I say making love, I mean...

And while we 're doing it, all the bullshit does fade away,

And yeah, I do lose myself in her,

And you don't know my friends.

And you take one night class for me, baby? One little class?

And you're thinking to yourself, why can't real pussy be like this?

And, yo, I get plenty of that.

ANGIE: I was out with some girlfriends. We went to see some band.

Any guy tells you he doesn't is lying to you.

Anyway, I saw him early in the night,

Are you fucking kidding me? You didn't tell me you were bringing home

Are you kidding me? You don't got to be doing that.

As it is in heaven...

Ass?

Ass?

Babe, no. Thanks, but I like doing it myself.

Baby...

BARBARA: Mmm... [CHUCKLES]

BARBARA: So tell me. Tell me, how did it go?

Beautiful girl.

Because I've been thinking about it, a lot actually, and I realized that,

Because most people eat that shit up.

Because you don't gotta do anything for them, right?

Best ever.

Best ever.

Blow job

Bro, she lets me do whatever the fuck I want.

Bullshit! Bullshit! Did you see that? That was fucking bullshit. Bad call.

But could you just tell me how you got to those numbers, please?

But didn't you tell me last week that you like porn better than real sex?

But do I have any grandchildren? No!

But even then I had Playboys, so...

But I don't know what it is about her. When she does it, I don't mind.

But I don't like to go too fast right off the bat.

But I just... so I wanted to say thank you.

But I'm sorry to say, it's still not as good as porn.

But in real life, if you wanna get head, you gotta give head.

But it was different, it wasn't just sex, it was like...

But it's just kissing. I don't know, I forget if that counts, so...

But not tonight, ladies and gentlemen.

But she wanted to make it, she just couldn't.

But that's why you like to watch those whores in those videos,

But trust me, in the future you'll be much happier if you always tell me the truth.

But were you watching people fucking on your phone?

But what do you mean you didn't pick this class?

But you gotta wear one, 'cause,

But you said that you wanna lose yourself in sex.

But you still gonna finish that class?

But you're not.

But you're the one who's gonna pretend you're texting

But... I stopped watching porn.

Call me.

Can I come over when you're done?

Can you... Well, that's beautiful.

Cars are terrible things.

Close the door.

Coke and a Diet Coke. I'll be right back to take your order.

Come here. Listen to me.

Come in, come in. Jon! Jonny's here! Come say hello to your son!

Come on, don't tell me you don't know what your history is.

Come on, let me fix your lipstick. Here we go.

Come on, let's take a bath.

Come on, son. There's no such thing, that's the point, it's a scale from one to ten.

Come on, you're gonna look so good in a suit.

Come on.

Come on. Let me buy you a drink. It's early.

Dad? I would like you to meet Barbara. Baby, this is my dad.

Definitely not. She keep her shit tight, you can tell.

Didn't you tell me it's sort of fucked up to keep stuff like this hidden?

Don't call me anymore.

Don't call me that. Oh, my God! That's the most disgusting thing

Don't get me wrong, I like a good pussy eating clip.

Don't you wanna wait till after class?

Don't you wanna...?

Every fucking time we go out, Don Jon smashes!

Everyone knows it's fake, but they watch it like it's real fucking life.

Everyone listen up. You get up too. This is for you. Come on. Get up.

Excuse me? Sorry, were you on your phone?

Father, I don't know what happened, but...

First of all, condoms are terrible. They just are.

First of all, everybody watches porn, OK? All guys.

For her, she just wants to go from kissing, to naked kissing, to fucking.

For the next few minutes, all the bullshit fades away,

For these and all the sins of my life, I am sorry.

For these and all the sins of my life, I am sorry.

For these and all the sins of my life, I am sorry.

For these and all the sins of my life, I am sorry.

For these and all the sins of my life, I'm sorry.

Fuck you!

Fuck! Goddamn it!

Fucking 'caused it! Fuck!

Girl, my best bet was to watch a movie.

Go ahead, take a break.

God bless.

Goddamn! White shorts.

Great.

Great.

He likes that skinny, high fashion, looks like a boy shit.

He loves TiVo. He sure as shit don't love football. We know that.

He said they're in love, they're in love. It doesn't matter how old they are.

He treats women like they're trash, but... he makes six figures.

He'll do anything for her.

He's definitely been spending time at the gym.

He's older than you were when we got married.

Her body was at least an eight, but you didn't talk to her.

Hey, baby.

Hey, baby. You're a winner, right? You respect people.

Hey, where were you?

Hey.

Hi, babe.

Hold up. Wait a minute. In love?

Hope you understand why I thought lunch was not a good idea.

How about, I'm sorry I've been lying to you since the first day

How do I know what the fuck you're talking about?

How do I watch movies? What are you talking about?

How do you watch all the stupid fucking movies you watch?

I absolve you from your sins in the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit.

I ask you to do the easiest fucking thing, and you can't do it!

I can be that way when I'm shit faced.

I can see it on you too, it's starting.

I can't believe we're talking about this.

I did kiss a girl, this one girl, out of wedlock, several times,

I didn't say I didn't like it. I said it's not a dime.

I don't care about that guy, I don't give a damn about his car. Fuck him.

I don't care. We're not having this discussion right now.

I don't even know what that is. That's sick...

I don't even mess with blondes like that, but that there is a dime!

I don't have to flake on my friends anymore.

I don't have to waste my time in a fucking classroom.

I don't know if he saw me till later, but I saw him.

I don't know what's wrong with me. I've been trying for a week, it's really fucked up.

I don't know which ones to get. Baby, what do you think?

I don't know, I don't know what's wrong with me.

I don't know, I guess 'cause most American people have heard of TiVo.

I don't know, it's hard to explain, but... yeah, that's it. So...

I don't know, it's that two way thing. I fucking love it.

I don't know! OK? I don't know!

I don't know. Am I right? I'm just guessing, but...

I don't really know what I do with that. What do I say?

I don't think they're gonna work out.

I don't usually like it when a girl looks me right in the eye,

I don't wanna get caught out and now some guy's coming at me with a bat or some shit.

I don't want to do anything unless it means something.

I feel like I should leave my jacket in the car. Maybe not. Should I bring it?

I forgive you, or we're supposed to get back together or something?

I gave you the eight, your record's intact. Chill out.

I guess I just mean love like,

I had a few drinks the other night,

I just fell asleep during that entire class.

I just look right back at her, and pretty soon...

I just want you to be happy, that's all! Is that too much to ask?

I just wanted to apologize.

I just wanted to apologize. I don't know if you remember,

I knew a few guys in high school who actually smoked crack, like all the time.

I know that last one sounds weird, but I'm just being honest.

I know, I was about to say, the mighty Don bringing out the long game?

I know, you wanna get back, so let me enjoy this and I'll drive you back to your car.

I lied to you, and I'm sorry for that.

I mean, look, it's fine with me. I'm not complaining.

I mean, my girlfriend doesn't like it. So she doesn't have to know about it.

I mean, real pussy's all good, but, no offense...

I mean, you think I could have hit 11 when I was with Barbara? No! Definitely not.

I never actually touch my cock till I find the right clip.

I punched through this guy's window on my way here right now.

I really liked you, you know?

I really shouldn't get so high after lunch if I'm gonna be coming here later.

I said look at this play, I said it right to you!

I said right then, right when I saw her, I said...

I said this class is pretty fucking boring.

I saved it as pony tail.

I start looking for a video.

I think you should go back to school, baby.

I thought he still had a pair of balls hanging between his legs.

I thought you were different.

I told her every fucking guy watches porn, she didn't believe me.

I told you that, uh...

I used one of the towels that was in there, hope you don't mind.

I wanna pick up a few things in cleaning products.

I wasn't gonna stop, but then I was thinking about what you asked me before,

I would leave you alone, but I swear to God,

I'd ask somebody else, but everyone in the class are like children.

I'd rather work my way into it, nice and easy.

I'm counting that from the first time I ever saw her, 'cause ever since then,

I'm crying all the time. It's just something that I do in private now.

I'm definitely not thinking about all that shit.

I'm gonna get you a towel.

I'm gonna wait for Barbara to call. We're gonna meet up for dinner.

I'm looking for her name, first and last name.

I'm not calling you old. It'll take like five minutes...

I'm playing with you. Trust me, I'm a perfectly satisfied customer.

I'm proud of it, I like to take care of it.

I'm saying, you probably watch that shit as much as I watch porn.

I'm sorry, but your hair is so much better this way.

I'm sorry, did you think I was hitting on you? Because I'm not.

I'm sorry, OK? I... I'm sorry. I am so sorry...

I'm sorry. I was right about what?

I'm sorry. Jesus. Look, stop it.

I'm telling you guys something. You be a man, you do the right thing,

I'm telling you, a woman like that make a boy into a man.

I've been in love with this girl since the first time I saw her.

I've felt the same way. She's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen in my life.

If Armando can do it, that man is such an asshole.

If you had it like that, it would have went down.

If you have a girlfriend, why are you watching dirty movies?

If you have any questions or concerns, please feel free to e mail me. Have a good night.

If you wanna lose yourself, you have to lose yourself in another person.

If you want me, I can borrow his, I'll do it for you.

In the '70s. It's probably not what you're used to looking at, but it's pretty hot.

In your browser?

Is that what you said?! Huh? Huh? You fuck! Ah!

It has been one week since my last confession.

It has been one week since my last confession.

It has been one week since my last confession.

It has been one week since my last confession.

It is a good thing that she broke up with you.

It is pretty boring, don't you think?

It just feels good, like... like I got my own life back.

It just reminds me how much I love being single.

It just so happens that meaningless sex is something that I want in my life now,

It seemed like you were in a big hurry the other day.

It was 28 years ago, and I didn't even give a shit then.

It was just meant to be.

It's all sticky and hard, this is much better.

It's digital. You just rewind and watch it.

It's fine. It's fine.

It's like I'm not even there.

It's like she knows what I'm thinking.

It's not as good as porn.

It's not like I'm cheating on her. I don't do it when she's around.

It's porn, it's not fucking heroin.

It's something silly. It's a little thing. Go ahead.

Jesus Christ, those tits! They're real?

Jesus fucking Christ!

JON: And you know, when I have great fucking days like this,

JON: But now, I don't really see the point.

JON: I don't watch too many movies.

JON: I know, some guys love eating pussy, but the thing about those guys is,

JON: I'm in love with Barbara. I am.

JON: In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit, Amen.

JON: In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit, Amen.

JON: In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit. Amen.

JON: In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit. Amen.

JON: In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit. Amen.

JON: It's no one's fault, really, but it still sucks. So...

JON: It's not that I can't stop. I just figure, why should I?

JON: Maybe it's time to try something new. So...

JON: No, we're fine, we're fine, we're fine.

JON: See? This is what I'm saying.

JON: So up until now, my record was ten in one day.

JON: So, you tell me, which looks better?

JON: The expensive wedding, and they drive off into the sunset.

JON: This fucking lady.

JON: Yeah. She's all right.

Jon? Excuse me.

Jonny! Sammy boy, how you doing?

Kerry's sister said she heard you broke through some guy's window.

Kid, before I could get my hands on any porn.

Let me move this here, so you can put that right there.

Let's take a bath.

Like a good little phony. Here.

Like there's the times you find a great clip, with a hot chick.

Like they're teaching you to be a robot.

Listen, you wanna know the truth?

Look at me! I look like a grandmother,

Look, I know you don't wanna talk to me.

Look, sweetie, I'm gonna go, OK?

Look, the way you have sex, it's like totally one sided.

Look, you don't know me, so I'm gonna let you off the hook this time.

Love at first sight.

Lower. Not that low!

Man, sit your ass down.

MAN: Barbara!

MAN: Yo, not gonna lie.

Maybe when I was a kid, like before I had a VCR in my room and I couldn't,

Might have to take this girl out for coffee.

Mm... Don't you think it's always better when it means something?

Mmm...

Mom! It's fine. OK?

More than just a piece of meat.

My girlfriend's waiting at home, so...

My husband and my son died 14 months ago.

My pleasure, my pleasure.

Nah, I didn't think so. My dad has got a pretty good one.

Nah, I don't know.

Nah, see, it's not the same thing.

No doggie. No cowboy.

No, 'cause I don't know what that would mean. You know?

No, I didn't, you fucking alcoholic, I saw you after she left.

No, I don't.

No, I just thought it was almost done. How much longer you got?

No, it doesn't.

No, it seemed like a good idea. I'm in the service industry now.

No, it's nothing like that.

No, no, no offense taken. So you like porn better than sex?

No, no, no, no, no. No. A nice handful, I love it, but more than that, it's like no!

No, you didn't seem like that type.

No!

No? You drop her? After all that, she cheat on you?

No. Why would I?

Nobody said anything. It's right there in your history!

None of 'em are gonna fuck me as good as my girl.

None of 'em are gonna look as good as my girl,

Nothing else does it for me the same way. Not even real pussy.

Nothing! It's so fucking stupid. That's what I'm saying, she's a bitch.

Now, when it comes to the actual fucking...

Of course they are.

Oh, go! Jesus. It's a yellow light! Fuck you!

Oh, hello, hello! You must be Barbara.

Oh, I... I wasn't expecting such a lovely lady, that's all.

Oh, my God, please! That stuff is ridiculous

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God! OK, hold on, hold on, all right.

Oh, shit.

Oh, yeah. Sorry. Say no more.

Oh. [LAUGHS]

Oh. OK, well, then I'll... OK, I'll do this.

Oh. Yep.

OK, great.

OK, let me ask you this.

OK, Mom.

OK, wait. No. I want to hear the rest of the story.

OK.

OK.

OK. It's totally unlike the stuff that I imagine you watch every day.

OK. Let's take a break and when we get back we'll go over the course syllabus.

OK. Look, I have a girlfriend, all right? So...

OK. One more question, then I'll drive you back.

OK. So she caught you once, which is why you're watching it on your phone at school,

OK. Sorry.

One of these days, I'm gonna sit down here and start eating, and you're gonna say,

Only at Carl's Jr. and Hardee's.

Or there's a few of you and you switch off, or... how does that all work?

Other than that, I did have sex out of wedlock one time,

Out of wedlock two times. I also watched pornographic videos and masturbated 17 times.

Please, don't. Please, don't you apologize. You didn't do anything wrong.

PRIEST: Have faith, my son.

PRIEST: Tell me your sins.

PRIEST: Tell me your sins.

PRIEST: Through the ministry of the Church, may God give you pardon and peace,

PRIEST: Through the ministry of the Church, may God give you pardon and peace,

PRIEST: Through the ministry of the Church, may God give you pardon and peace,

PRIEST: Through the ministry of the Church, may God give you...

Real pussy's all good. But I'm sorry.

Real talk, real talk. Purple.

Remember when we first started dating?

Right. 'Cause fucking losers watch porn, guys that can't get laid.

Right. Just 'cause you don't pick up your phone don't make you busy.

Second of all, missionary is the worst position in all of fucking.

Sexual relations out of wedlock.

She acted like I was cheating on her or something, which I wasn't.

She can't.

She caught me watching porn.

She did drop your ass. What did you do, man? You cheat on her?

She doesn't know the first thing about him.

She has been spending a lot of time at my place, though. So I looked into it.

She has her own agenda. She doesn't care about Jonny,

She just walks in on you, you know, beating your meat to a little video

She just wants a guy who's gonna do whatever she tells him to.

She snooped around on my computer, she found out I watch porn.

She was the most important thing to him. He gave up everything for her.

She won't do it right anyway. You gotta vacuum my carpet a certain way,

She's 28 years old. She put like four years into the guy already. It's terrible.

She's cute in the face, you can maybe call the face an eight, tits are a four.

She's not Italian, we know that.

She's the most beautiful thing I've seen in my life.

Shit starts to remind me of my mom or something.

Shit!

Shit!

Shit. Good luck. A girl that hot? She doesn't have to give head.

Shut the fuck up! Who'd you take home, huh?

Since last Sunday, I had sexual intercourse out of wedlock seven times.

Since when do you ask me personal questions?

So after all that obligatory shit, the friend mixing and meeting her folks,

So how did you find out my name?

So I may not have remembered telling you my first name,

So I'll start off with some stills.

So I'm parked all the way on the other side. I don't know if you want...

So you take care.

So you were right.

So, uh...

So, what do you say? You, me and our friends, we go out sometime?

So...

So...

So...

So... we broke up.

Some dumb ass buddy of mine sent it to me as a joke. Come on!

Something I've always kinda wondered is, is it the same guy I'm talking to every week

Speak up and talk like a human being.

Stop and think for a second. Stop and think for a second.

Stop upsetting your mother! What the fuck is the matter with you?

Sure, don't we all? Um...

Sure, it's fucking fantastic in person... if she'll do it.

TEACHER: All right, everyone, three more weeks until the final.

TEACHER: Very good. OK, when we come back, we'll go over employee personality testing.

Than that shit you're watching on your phone.

Thank you so much. Do you wanna go somewhere? There's a cafe...

That depends. You gonna drill into your wall?

That I stopped watching pornography, but that was a lie, I didn't stop at all.

That we started dating? How about that?

That you don't get from sex with an actual person?

That's like a junkie. They couldn't stop. I could stop if I wanted to. I could.

That's mine.

That's some crazy bullshit right there.

That's the sweetest thing I ever heard anybody say.

That's what became clear to me when you startled me.

That's why I didn't smash. What about you? You were kicking it to pony tail, right?

The blonde in the dress? She was insane, bro. You hit that?

The doggy, the moneyshot, and that's it. I don't gotta say anything,

The fans are devastated. Jonny, what happened?

The first kiss.

The pretty woman.

The service industry, it's not a bad thing.

The shit I watch on here, they're not pretending.

The streak is over, motherfucker! How's it feel?

The thing is, this week I actually did stop, like totally just not doing it anymore.

The tits lie flat, you can't see her ass,

Then when do we get to meet her?

Then Why'd you come home with me?

Then, once I do...

Then, once I'm getting into it,

There are some downsides.

There! Look, his foot's on the line! Look at that bullshit!

There. Go ahead, look. Go ahead.

There's only a few things I really care about in life.

There's only a few things I really care about...

There's some kind of... bad marriage situation here?

They won't let you do it from behind, 'cause they wanna look at you.

They'll do a replay. They better do a fucking replay.

They're fucking crazy.

They're fucking crazy.

This is the truth.

This is what I'm trying to tell you, if you would listen to me.

This?

Those ones.

Through the ministry of the Church, may God give you pardon and peace,

Tits?

To choose from, finding just the right clip can take a lot of time.

To not call you a kid? You're a fucking kid.

Twos and threes, baby. I'm telling you, twos and threes are some open minded ladies.

Uh huh...

Uh, yeah, but that movie that I gave you was totally...

Unless they just don't want us to see how bad that fucking call was.

Wait a minute. Did you see that? I'm asking you.

Wait, wait, wait, I'll be happier?

Wait! Father, I'm really sorry,

Wait...

Wanna know what happened? I'll tell you what happened.

Was it just once? Oh.

Watch what happens. Best sex of your life.

We talked about this, I don't appreciate it.

Well, actually, I don't know if it was you.

Well, anyway, I told the Father a while back

Well, he's got a pretty great life, no? if he could do it, you could do it.

Well, honey, I'm gonna be honest with you, 'cause it seems like that's what you want.

Well, I gotta go, we gotta go. Come on, let's go. Come on. Come on.

Well, I said it because it's true, that's why.

Well, I'm flattered. What do you wanna talk about?

Well, no. My friends' boyfriends are watching porno on the Internet all the time,

Well, please sit down and I will be right back.

Well, that's all you're gonna say?

Well, what is it? What do you get from porn

Well, when a real man loves a woman, he doesn't mind doing things for her.

Were you... I'm sorry, this might be rude,

What are you doing? You talking to yourself?

What are you saying? That has nothing to do with anything!

What do you think I'm doing here, man?

What does she look like?

What happened?

What the fuck are you doing? How do you watch that shit?

What the fuck?

What you wanna say? You gotta say something.

What, are you fucking kidding me?! You're fucking kidding me, right?!

What?

What?

What's the matter with that? I couldn't understand you, either.

What's the one thing I asked? I said, Don't lie to me.

What's wrong?

When was the last time you did that before this?

When we're living together, you're not...

When you really love a girl, there's a lot that goes into it.

Where are you going?

Where he's, like, looking at himself while you're doing it?

While you watch people pretend they're fucking on your phone!

Why bother with porn when you can have the real thing?

Why did you come here, huh? Why did you say yes to me?

Why don't you get the thing where you can pause...

Why not?! What the fuck's the matter with you?

Why would I wanna go out and try to pull randoms?

Why would they watch porn when they can get with a real girl?

Why you think my boys call me The Don?

Will you just take this?

With that thing than I do with my girlfriend?

WOMAN: Bella? Sweetheart, come over here.

WOMAN: Let me get a vodka cranberry.

Yeah, I don't know what's wrong with me.

Yeah, I got shit to do. So...

Yeah, I just couldn't get off beating it with my eyes closed.

Yeah, just... goodbye.

Yeah, no more of that, just the intercourse now.

Yeah, that's one sided also. Definitely.

Yeah, you did.

Yeah! Well, I thought it was on with old crop top.

Yeah.

Yeah. I wanna meet your parents and your sister.

Yeah. I was thinking about that when you said it before.

Yes, I do.

Yo, you remember that dime from last week?

Yo. Headband.

You can't have this one, 'cause I saw her first, but check out pink.

You can't touch her ass, 'cause she's lying on her back.

You caught me in a kind of an inopportune moment last week.

You decide what color. I'm gonna meet you at the registers.

You didn't only ask me for one thing. You asked for a lot,

You don't think I could make you happy if I wanted to?

You find the right girl and you treat her the right way?

You gonna get that?

You got those nice floors at your place. What, do you mop?

You guys know tonight is me and this girl's one month anniversary.

You heard what she said? Everyone knows about the streak.

You know that? For God's sake, he's your son!

You know what? I shouldn't have said that.

You know, I smash new girls all the fucking time,

You know, like when we're making love.

You know, nobody's seen me like that in, like, six months,

You like movies?

You look beautiful. God, you look beautiful.

You look so cute, the two of you.

You love this girl?

You never been in love, so you don't know what you're talking about.

You said you watched porn.

You shouldn't be doing your own housework.

You sound so fucking stupid to me right now, I feel sorry for you.

You think I'm the kind of guy that watches porn?

You want a TiVo? Is that what you're saying?

You're a good looking guy, I'm sure you attract a lot of young ladies.

You're a retarded person and you're driving a fucking car!

You're cute, I like you.

You're gonna have to wait to find out.

You're never gonna do it again?

You're not getting that butt from Barbara Sugarman anytime in the immediate future.

You're not listening to me. I like my place, OK?

You're probably right.

You're right. You're totally right. Shit!

You're so cute.

You're talking about it like... No, why would I?

You're the most beautiful thing I've ever seen in my life.

You're... You're intense today. What's going on with you?

...my boys... [ALL YELLING]

'Cause I know they wanna meet you. Yeah... I bet they do.

[COMPUTER CHIMES] Also, nowadays you got so much

[COMPUTER CHIMES] JON: All right, I'll admit,

[COMPUTER CHIMES] JON: All right, I'll admit,

[GRUNTING] Mm hm! Uh huh.

[LAUGHS] Um...

[LAUGHS] Danny boy! Danny boy!

[LAUGHS] What are you talking about? You put so much junk in your hair,

[LAUGHS] What pads? For the Swiffer.

[LAUGHS] You changed your hair? Yeah...

[MOANING] Or, you know, making love.

[SCOFFS] Am I right?

a fucking drink? Yo, the Don mad anxious tonight.

A little windy. Yeah, it's windy out here.

a piece of ass like that! I told you she was the most beautiful thing

About what, your girlfriend? No.

All right, babe? Oh! Bye.

All right, Dad. All right, yeah.

All right, what happened with your girl? Fuck that bitch.

All right, who's talking shit about me? Nobody said anything.

All right. I got time. Really? You got time?

All right. Is that good? Is that right? Yeah. [LAUGHS]

And does she love you? Wait a minute. Love him? You kidding?

and it's not like it's a rare... TEACHER: Good evening, everyone.

and rewind. What are you talking about?

and she's out? You don't know her.

And that doesn't happen when you have sex. I wish it did.

and the Holy Spirit. Amen.

ANGIE: Did you clear the table? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Here, here, honey.

Are you crazy? It was made by this Danish woman

Are you people serious, no fucking replay?! I'm not talking about a VCR.

Are you ready? Go ahead. Yeah. All right.

Assholes, where's the replay?! Dad, there's a thing you can pause

At least I know what a fucking TiVo is. I know what a fucking TiVo is!

Baby, I... Please, no, don't call me that.

Baby, I'm just so proud of you. Thanks.

Baby! Baby, what?

Baby! What?

Baby? Huh?

Baby? Yeah?

Barbara Sugarman. Sugarman?

Barbara. Barbara! Barbara what?

Bartender? Yeah, so, if you wanna move up,

Blow job? [WOMAN MOANS]

But, baby, I'm telling you... Don't call me that!

Bye bye. Bye.

Bye bye. Drive safe.

Bye, baby. OK, bye.

Bye, Mr. Martello. Please call me Jon.

Can I get you a refill, Mrs. Sugarman? You don't have to do that.

Can I help you with anything at all? Oh! I love her already.

Can you get her back? I don't think so.

Christ! Yeah, this is the long game.

Come here, you animal! Get the fuck off of me!

Damn, OK! All right.

Did you ever watch it? No.

Did you say...? JON SR.: She asked you what you said.

Did you try to call her? She doesn't want me to call her.

Did you? Nah, I didn't see it.

Diet Coke, please. A Coke.

Do you mind? Fine.

Don't fucking lie to me! I don't know who told you that!

Don't lie. OK, I asked around about you

Don't talk about my mother. You brought up your mother.

Easy, easy. Did you get her name? Yeah!

Eight. Solid eight.

Everybody good? Yeah, great.

Everything good with you? What's the matter with this guy?

Excuse me. Dad, I'm asking you nicely.

Excuse me. Sorry. Oh, fuck, I'm sorry.

Fine, let's drop it. Good.

Five Lord's Prayers and five Hail Marys. Thank you, Father.

Fuck me? Did you just say fuck me to me? Jon!

Fuck that bitch. Oh, shit!

Fuck yeah. I don't know, there might be

Fuck you, Jonny! I thought you made that happen.

Fuck you, Jonny! That's the way...

Fuck you, Jonny. I'm playing, come on.

Fuck you! Admit it!

Fuck you! Where's wife?

Fuck you. I do. I feel sorry for you.

Fuck you. You wanna fuck me?

Fuck! Goddamn it! Fuck! [CAR HORN HONKING]

Fucking bullshit. Did you see that? Nah, I didn't see it. What happened?

Get the fuck out of here. You wanna go somewhere?

Good job, big guy. Sweetie, so nice to meet you.

Have you ever thought about quitting? Quit...?

He's kind of right, man, you do. I don't like more than a handful of titty.

Her name? First and last name.

Her? No, she's too skinny. Yeah.

Here you go, babe. OK.

Hey, baby. Hi, Jon.

Hey, hey, Jonny boy! She's cute, right?

Hey. BARBARA: Baby! How is it?

Hi, baby. Hey.

Hi, Mom. MOTHER: Hi.

Hi, Mr. Martello. Hey, good to meet you.

Hi, Mrs. Martello. Here, for you. Thank you, and please call me Angie.

Hi. Can I help you?

Hi. Hey.

Hi. Mind if I sit down? You know, actually, I...

Honey, calm down, please! You know, Ma, I don't know

Honey, what band was it? You think I remember?

How are you? Good. Good. How you been?

How did it go? You get her name?

How did you get my Facebook? Oh. Getting right to it.

How long have we been up here for? Not long.

How often do you watch it? What the fuck do you care?

I asked around. You asked around about me?

I brought you something. You what?

I can like any girl I wanna like. But she's not hotter than my girl.

I can't let you come inside just yet. No?

I didn't tell you my name. Obviously you did, 'cause I looked it up.

I don't know if it is. No, it is.

I don't know what that is. You don't know the Swiffer?

I don't know your friends. My friends?

I don't know. Having a family is the greatest joy

I don't know. No, come on, try and think.

I don't know. What? Please.

I don't know. I sweep it up with a broom. No, I mean to really clean it.

I don't know. The housekeeper does it. Oh, right.

I don't know... Come here.

I don't know... You got nothing to be nervous about.

I don't want to take that from you. No, no, open it.

I got a number. BOTH: Oh! Hey!

I gotta talk to you. I didn't think you meant that

I hope I'm not bothering you. No, it's fine.

I know. No, for real,

I lose myself. You lose yourself.

I love her! I love her! Pretty good, huh? Not bad at all.

I love it when you wear this shit. Oh, you're crazy.

I love movies like that. Yeah, it was great.

I love these two. And you? Yeah. They're great.

I love you. Don't ever say that to me, ever again.

I never heard you say you loved her. You weren't paying attention.

I saw you! But, baby...

I stopped watching porn. Oh, yeah? That's great!

I think I would remember. No offense, but you were pretty wasted

I thought they were cute together, no? Sure. They seemed pretty good.

I wanna find that girl. You get her name?

I wanna meet your friends. Those guys are assholes.

I wanted to talk to you. Yeah? What about?

I was wondering... I'm doing something polite...

I wasn't happy. A nice wife and some nice kids?

I would love a fucking TiVo. Who do you love?

I'd rather get pizza with my boys. That's new.

I'm all right. Jonny, look at me.

I'm asking you a question. It's a fucking thing...

I'm Esther. Good to meet you.

I'm just saying... Jon, movies and porno are different!

I'm nervous. That's all. Why you nervous?

I'm not taking his side. You are.

I'm not taping this. No, I know you're not taping it.

I'm saying, this girl... Oh, my God!

I'm sorry. No, it's fine.

I'm sorry. I am. How about, I'm sorry I have more sex

I'm sort of seeing this girl. [COUGHS]

I'm telling you... Hey! Don't lie to me.

I've ever seen in my life! Wait, don't go right now, please!

I've ever seen in my life. Yeah, you told me, but I mean,

if I really want a wife and kids. What are you saying? You don't mean that.

in a man's life, everybody knows that! Then maybe I'm not a man.

Is that why you kissed me? I didn't kiss you.

It really doesn't matter. Well, it seems like it matters to you.

It's embarrassing. No, I told you, it's not a mop.

it's fucking disgusting. It's stupid is what that is.

It's great. Yeah? You're on break?

It's not true. Really?

It's OK. I'll be right back. Baby...

It's these pads. I don't care.

Jesus Christ! Jon!

Jesus Christ. A toast. Let's make a toast.

Jesus Christ. Your mom do got some big ass titties.

Jesus fucking Christ! Jon!

Jesus! Thank you.

JON SR.: Here we go... Shh! Barbara what?

Jon, I will fucking kill you! All right. Easy.

Jon, say something! JON SR.: All right!

Jon, shush! They're kids, for Christ's sake!

JON: Hey. ESTHER: Hi.

JON: Oh, shit! ESTHER: OK.

JON: The makeup. MAN ON SCREEN: I'm scared.

JON: Where you going? ESTHER: To my car.

Jon! Fuck You!

Jon. Yeah?

Jonny Boy! Don Jon, what's good, baby?

Just get your degree. Oh!

Just porn? Yeah.

Just today. I don't know what you're talking about.

Listen, I'll just be a second, OK? No, no, no. Come here.

Look what you did. Sorry. What do you want me to do?

MAN: I said fuck you! Fuck me, huh? Fuck me?

MAN: I said fuck you! Fuck me, huh? Fuck me?

Mm hm! Yeah... [GRUNTS]

Mm mm. No. Does he do that muscle guy thing

Mom, I found her. JON: Ma!

MOTHER: What did you say? What do you mean, what did I say?

Mwah. Cheers. ALL: Cheers!

Nice. Oh, Jesus...

No, I definitely did not tell you my name. Yeah, you did.

No, I did. Did somebody pick it for you?

No, I don't buy it. I'm telling you. That's all.

No, I get off fine with real girls. Yeah, you definitely do.

No, I waited for you. Sweet.

No, it's fine. No, no, no. I'm sorry. I am.

No, it's my pleasure. Jon.

No, like every day? Every guy watches porn every day.

No, that girl was annoying. She was tight though.

No! So, what happened?

No! Was it your parents or your girlfriend?

No. I know it's none of my business, sorry.

No. No... What?

No. What do you do?

No. I don't know. See, he likes that skinny shit.

No. No, I just wanted to tell you... You're not capable of a relationship, Jon.

Not out here. So let's go inside.

Oh, boy. Baby! Oh! [LAUGHS]

Oh, fuck! What?

Oh, fuck! Who's that?

Oh, God. All right.

Oh, God. ANGIE: Yup. And he was right.

Oh, Jesus! What? You don't wanna meet my brothers

Oh, man! Oh, God! [ENGINE REVVING]

Oh, my God! You haven't cum in a week? Mm...

Oh, my God. That's so amazing! All right. I like him.

Oh, my... damn! What? What? Where?

Oh, shit! That's her?

Oh, the family's got money? No, he's got a job.

Oh, wow. You wanna hold him?

Oh, yeah? Yeah.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah? And our families meet, huh?

Oh! Yeah?

Oh! Big play! Look at that! OK, Jon.

Oh! I wish somebody would cover for me. See? What did I tell you?

Oh! Oh! Huh? Yeah? Yeah?

Oh. We haven't done it yet. Shit, really?

or else it looks... Don't talk about vacuuming in front of me.

Or our families. Wait, our families?

Or this? [WOMAN MOANING]

Please. Let me get by you there, babe.

PRIEST: Amen. Bless you, my son. Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.

PRIEST: Amen. Bless you, my son. Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.

PRIEST: Amen. Bless you, my son. Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.

PRIEST: Amen. Bless you, my son. Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.

PRIEST: Amen. Bless you, my son. Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.

PRIEST: Tell me your sins. First of all, I lied to you before.

PRIEST: Tell me your sins. Since last Sunday I did not have

PRIEST: Tell me your sins. Since last Sunday, I had sexual relations

PRIEST: Yes? Yeah, so that's like zero for the week.

Probably an eight or nine. Six or seven.

Promise? I promise.

Really? A girl that bad gets mad friend requests.

Really? Yeah, really.

Red. Holy shit! That's a dime.

Right here? Right there. That's perfect.

Seriously, I have no idea. Like this week, like this month?

Service? Yeah.

She told me to say hello to you guys. That's sweet.

She was like you. Thank you.

She's a dime, but... This girl's more than a dime.

Shh! Hey, hush yourself!

Shit! What?

Shush. What's your problem?

SISTER: I said that that girl... I cannot hear any fucking thing!

So Barbara couldn't come tonight? No, she had this family thing tonight.

So she's good? What did I say? Yeah, she's good.

So what? You know what? Don't call me a kid.

So you don't do that normally? No.

So you haven't watched porn in a week. Yeah.

So, uh... me and Barbara split up. ANGIE: What?

So, what happened with your girlfriend? Fuck that bitch.

So, what's he do? He's in school.

So? Yeah, so...

So... [MOANING]

So... I'm good. How are you? Good, thanks.

Somebody's excited. Yeah. Come on.

Sorry about that. No problem. How you doing?

Sorry. That's cool.

Stevie? Yeah, he needed the hours.

Sugarman. She black? No.

Ten Lord's Prayers and ten Hail Marys. Really? Same thing, no difference?

Ten Lord's Prayers and ten Hail Marys. Thank you, Father.

Ten Lord's Prayers and ten Hail Marys. Thank you, Father.

than do yours. You faggot motherfucker!

Thank you. Jon, you meet Daryl?

Thanks for meeting me. Sure.

Thanks. You're welcome.

That bad? She find somebody else? No.

That is a dime. Nah, she's hot, but it's not a dime.

That is not healthy. What do you mean? How do you know?

That's bullshit. Swear to God.

That's fine. You want some coffee? No, actually I gotta go pretty soon, so...

That's good. What do you mean?

That's incorrect. She's taller than you anyway.

That's it? Right?

That's not a dime. I'm sorry, but I'd rather do that

That's not bad. It's better than not bad.

That's the one you like? Oh, it's so great.

The breakup. WOMAN ONSCREEN: I felt that!

The fuck you doing here? Damn, really?

the other night. So was I. Can I get you some drinks?

They give awards for movies! They give awards for porn too.

This fucking guy. Come on! What did you think he was gonna say?

This sound... [COMPUTER CHIMES]

To us. [GLASSES CLINK]

To you, baby. No, to us.

To you, maybe not, but to me... Look at that. Sorry, buddy.

Twenty Lord's Prayers and 25 Hail Marys. Thank you, Father.

unlike porn, real pussy can kill you. [WOMAN MOANS]

Wait, wait. My what? It's in your history.

we do it all the fucking time! Yeah, I know we do.

Well, and that's all she wanted. ANGIE: What did she say?

Well, at least you're being honest now. Let me ask you a question.

Well, did you? The guy was a fucking asshole.

Well, I said I'm sort of... Oh, my God! What's her name?

What are you saying? All I'm saying is, that girl,

What are you talking about? No. I'm really sorry.

What did he do? Why you taking his side?

What did you do to your...? Mom, it's fine.

What do you want me to say? What do I want you to say?

What is it with you? Huh? No, I just...

what is it? Did you see that?

What is that? No. Seriously? It's the best.

What is the matter with you? Have you seen it?

What makes you think you could do that? Do what?

What the fuck are you doing? I was reading e mails.

What the fuck is this? It's actually pretty good.

What, tonight? Yeah.

What? I can touch it.

What? I'm just asking.

What? Where are you going?

What? You wanna know who's beautiful?

What? You're not gonna go buy a mop right now.

What? Nah! No, come on. It'll be nice.

What? No! It's OK if you were. I'm not judging you.

What's that? Open it.

What's wrong? Nothing.

What's your name? Jon.

When I was sobbing by the door? Oh! Yeah, sorry, I'm sorry about that.

when you said it. Well, I did.

Whenever you want! So what the fuck is wrong with you?

Who cares how she talks? You asked why I didn't smash,

Who? Rosa, my cleaning lady, she's great.

Why are you here? Hm?

Why did you ask around about me? 'Cause I wanted to.

Why did you pick this class? I didn't.

Why didn't you call me back? Come on. You're a grown woman.

Why not? It's not time for that yet.

Why? Why? What do you mean why?

Why? What's wrong? Why? Because it's not sexy, that's why.

WOMAN: Jon! All right already! So if you've heard of it,

WOMAN: Look who the fuck it is. How you doing?

Yeah, come on. Just a night class. Oh, my God!

Yeah, she's great. ANGIE: She's a catch, Jonny.

Yeah, they're real. Oh! Fuck me!

Yeah, two for lunch. Sure. Right this way.

Yeah, we do, pretty much. [BOTH MOANING]

Yeah, whatever you want. Oh...

Yeah! Oh! Come on, baby, cum... cum...

Yeah? Yeah.

Yeah? And you couldn't? No, I couldn't.

Yeah. I just looked up your name.

Yeah. Mm...

Yeah. Mm...

Yeah. That's interesting.

Yes, please, sweetie, come on. JON: You want me to take that, babe?

Yo, Jonny, you coming out tonight? That's dubious.

You ain't see her turn around. You calling her a seven?

You are full of shit! Second of all, you know damn well

You are so full of shit! Second of all...

You didn't. That's fine. No, I really didn't.

You don't have a drill, do you? No.

You don't live here alone, do you? I actually do.

You don't remember her? She's coming over here.

You get back to class, sexy man. All right.

You gonna drill into my wall for me? Whatever you want, babe.

You good? Let me get a Grey Goose and soda.

You good? Yeah. You order anything yet?

You got to catch up, baby! You mean I got to buy your poor ass

you gotta go to school. Right.

You gotta help me out... You looked at 46 porno sites today, Jon.

You guys having a good time? You bitch, I don't wanna hear it.

You in love with this girl already? Go fuck yourself.

You know what I said? Listen to this.

You like that? Fucking right I do!

You listen to people. [MOANING]

You look so beautiful. Thank you.

You remember Linda and Chris, yeah? Yeah, yeah.

You said that already. What, she drop you? No.

You seriously never heard of that? Yes! I've heard of it, Jesus fucking...

You shitting me? That's a seven. You're out of your fucking mind!

You shouldn't be cleaning your own floors. Why? I enjoy doing it.

You smashed up somebody's car? Who told you that?

You sure? Yeah. We barely know each other.

You wanna come to my place? Mm hm.

You want some? Thanks.

You wanted to take me to lunch? Yeah.

You would be so sexy with a real job. Mm!

You're fucking weird, you know that? I don't entirely disagree,

You're not. No. Right now I'm not.

You're saying you love her? Of course I love her.

...I hit 11. [WOMEN MOANING]

¡f 1 ever jerk off without watching porn, and 1 tried to...

...and at the hour of death...

...and at the hour of our death.

...and lead us not... into temptation...

...and my porn.

...as we forgive those... who trespass against us...

...but deliver us from evil...

...going to be doing... any cleaning.

...goodbye

...hallowed be Thy name... Thy Kingdom come...

...I couldn't do it all for you.

...I guess I lost my temper and I...

...I'm hard as a fucking rock.

...missionary fucking.

...Mother of God...

...my church...

...my family...

...my girls...

...now...

...on earth...

...pray for us now...

...pray for us sinners...

...she's in a fucking hurry.

...that ass...

...That's mine.

...the blowjob, the cowboy,

...Thy will be done...

'Cause I sure don't want a family. Maybe one day, but not right now!

'cause I wanna fuck your brains out. Is that what you want me to say?

'Cause I... I really thought there was gonna be a difference this week.

'Cause you're a selfish person, and you're a liar.

'cause you're hiding it from her, but she caught you the second time.

'Cause you're staring right at her.

[CHURCH BELLS CHIMING]

[CHURCH BELLS CHIMING]

[CHURCH BELLS CHIMING]

[COMPUTER CHIMES]

[COMPUTER CHIMES]

[COMPUTER CHIMES]

[COMPUTER CHIMES]

[CONDOM WRAPPER CRINKLING]

[DOOR SLAMS]

[ENGINE REVVING]

[ENGINE REVVING]

[ENGINE REVVING]

[FIREWORKS WHISTLING, POPPING IN DISTANCE]

[GASPING]

[GASPS] Oh!

[GRUNTING]

[GRUNTS]

[HIP HOP PLAYS]

[HIP HOP PLAYS]

[HIP HOP PLAYS]

[HIP HOP PLAYS]

[HIP HOP PLAYS]

[HIP HOP PLAYS]

[HIP HOP PLAYS]

[HIP HOP SONG PLAYS OVER STEREO]

[HORN HONKING]

[JAZZY, SULTRY SONG PLAYING]

[JON GRUNTING]

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

[LAUGHS] oh!

[MAN, WOMAN MOANING]

[MOANING, PANTING]

[MOANING]

[MOANING]

[MOANING]

[MOANING]

[MOANING]

[MOANING]

[MOANING]

[MUSIC SWELLS]

[MUSIC SWELLS]

[NO AUDIO]

[ORGAN PLAYS SOMBER MELODY]

[ORGAN PLAYS SOMBER MELODY]

[ORGAN PLAYS SOMBER MELODY]

[ORGAN PLAYS SOMBER MELODY]

[PANTING, GRUNTING]

[PANTING, MOANING]

[PHONE VIBRATING]

[PHONE VIBRATING]

[RADIO PLAYS INDISTINCTLY]

[ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING]

[ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYS]

[ROMANTIC MUSIC SWELLS]

[SCOFFS] I don't even know. When I was a kid or something.

[SIGHS]

[SOFT PANTING]

[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

[TECHNO MUSIC PLAYING]

[TECHNO MUSIC PLAYING]

[TECHNO MUSIC PLAYING]

[TECHNO MUSIC PLAYING]

[WHISPERING] ...a rare occurrence, I mean, I do that all the time,

[WHISPERING] Forgive us our trespasses...

[WHISPERING] Holy Mary...

[WHISPERING] Holy Mary... Mother of God...

[WHISPERING] Our Father... Who art in heaven...

[WOMAN MOANING]

[WOMAN SOBBING]

[WOMEN MOANING]

♪ It's such a good vibration...

♪ It's such a sweet sensation

♪ To bring forth the rhythm and the rhyme...

♪ Yo! It's about that time