Drop Dead Fred (1991) Edit

A A A chooo!

A game. OK. Great. But not dolls.

A guy’s coming up the stairs. I’m going to ask him what he wants.

A note, Elizabeth, to you.

Aah! Phew.

Ah, I don’t like that word.

Ah! Here it is.

All in one lunch hour?

All right. Fine. Say the magic words and I’ll piss off.

An old friend and I don’t mean you.

And a pair of your pants. We’re making pants pie.

And Drop Dead Fred is going to teach me how to cook today.

And hide them where no one will ever find them, including us.

And she did.

And so what if she does?

And the prince took the beautiful young girl in his arms and said, Will you marry me?

And thinking, I’m never going to get to have fun with Betsy again.

And we’ll poo her all over the table cos we’re not afraid of anything. Yeah!

And when you did all the... life

And you didn’t even bother coming to look for me.

And your lunch, sir.

And, um, the spirit...

Annabelle... Annabelle, she’ll never know.

Any response?

Apparently nothing.

Are you OK?

Are you surrounded?

Argh!

Argh!

Aye aye, Captain.

Be gone, evil one!

Because we will want to see each other again.

Bleurgh!

Bleurgh! Romance?!

Brrrr!

Brrrrrrr!

But after mine I had to get back into the whole dating...

But here I am, scrubbing away at what can only be described as dog mess.

But on the way there, I caught cornflakes disease.

But we have an item we’d like for you to see.

Bye, Charles.

Catch.

Charles, I heard you. You said Annabelle.

Charles, let’s talk. It’s kind of important to me.

Charles, our marriage...

Charles, this is really important to me.

Charles, this is really important to me.

Charles, this is really...

Charles!

Charles!

Charles?

Charles.

Charles.

Charles...

Charlie!

Charlie.

Cinderella left early. Remember her?

Cobwebs.

Come back in here this minute and get cleaned up.

Come on!

Come on.

Come on.

Come on. Snot face, let’s go.

Come on. We’ll go out the window. I’m good at this. Stand back.

Come with me.

Could someone grab a hold of this?

Couldn’t have done better myself. Come on. This way.

Cuckoo! Cuckoo!

Cuddling is for teddy bears. I’ve packed your things. You’re coming home with me.

D E D.

Da da da da da da da!

Daddy, how about we throw Mommy out the window?

Daddy, how about we throw Mommy out the window?

Darling, you need me.

Darling...

Dear Drop Dead Fred,

Dear Lizzie, I came by but no one was here so I thought I’d leave this note.

Did they give you a lobotomy?

Did they live happily ever after?

Did you do this to yourself?

Die! You’re dead, little man!

Do it to them, Murray.

Do you know what will happen? He will be crushed to death.

Do you remember the time you and Fred came over to borrow my father’s electric shaver?

Do you remember? Hm?

Do you see what you’re doing to me? I’m talking to myself.

Do you think I have an imaginary friend clause in my insurance?

Don't just stand there, do something. Go on. Kiss him.

Don’t eat the napkin, dear. I’ve got a black belt and I could break you like that.

Don’t leave me.

Don’t spend any more money on Charles. Elizabeth, I’ll see you later anyway.

Don’t take him away from me!

Don’t you dare. Don’t you dare walk out on me.

Don’t you ever be like her.

Don’t you hate it when you’re right about the wrong things?

Don’t you love me anymore?

Don’t you remember I was the only one who could see him?

Don’t you remember what you did to my grandmother?

Drop Dead Fred just...

Drop Dead Fred.

Drop Dead Fred.

Drop Dead Fred...

Elizabeth, are you behaving in there?

Elizabeth, wake up. Look.

Elizabeth, what are you doing? Get dressed. We’re late.

Elizabeth.

Elizabeth. Lizzie.

Elizabeth. My God.

Enemy? Sometimes I wonder with you.

Er, I didn’t mean for it...

Eurgh! What does that taste like?

Excuse me a minute, would you?

Excuse me, gentlemen. Hello, sweetheart. Aren’t you a cute little thing?

Excuse me. I test drive this car?

Expecting Charles. That’s important. I'd better go.

Finally, the magic words.

Fine. You do it.

For you, my love.

Four, five...

Fred, he’s getting away.

Fred, what are you doing here?

Fred!

Fred!

Fred! Argh!

Fred?

Fred? What did you do, give this Fred a key?

Game.

Get in, Lizzie. I want to take you away, goose.

Get up. Get up.

Give me it. No, don’t take him away from me.

Glues. OK. It’s perfect.

Go on.

Go on. Out his throat.

Go to Hell Herman! Argh!

God, I wish I could be like that. I wish I could do those kind of things.

God, that hurts so much when I say it out loud.

God, you’re so stupid. You never leave a party till the very end.

Good night, flake.

Got you, Fred.

G****s.

Great. I love hide and seek.

Great. Maybe you should give me that inkwell first.

Great. When something’s not working, the best thing is to tear it apart to make it better.

Grown up?

Ha ha ha!

Ha! Ouch.

Hang on. This isn’t how the pigeons do it. You’re supposed to stamp on her head and peck her.

Have I got him?

Have you ever seen so many zeros outside of the national debt?

Haven’t got a husband! Haven’t got a husband!

He can be really sweet sometimes.

He wants to move out and go live with Annabelle.

He was way out of control.

He’s driving me crazy. It’s like he’s my best friend and yet I’m scared to death of him.

He’s not pretend. He’s Drop Dead Fred.

He’s one of the country’s leading experts in dealing with the imaginary friend syndrome.

He’s very good with children.

He’s very romantic.

He’s waving at us. Wave or he might do something awful.

Hello, Jemima. Hello, Angelique. Hello. You’re going to die. Ah!

Hello?

Hello?

Hello. You die, too.

Help! Help!

Help! Help! Help!

Here we are.

Hey, Fred, I’m home now. It’s Charles, Lizzie's husband.

Hey, Fred!

Hey, hey!

Hey, I’m your fella, Annabelle.

Hey, maybe there’s a steak in there. We can drive it through her heart.

Hey, snot face. Look at this.

Hey, that’s my car!

Hey, watch this. Charge!

Hey, we were all a little afraid of your mother.

Hey. Hey!

Hey. Look. Look.

How about the silverware service? A complete mystery to me but was completely ruined.

How can you say that when you have conversations with thin air?

How did it come to this?

How do you know?

Hurry up!

I am playing with my friends.

I asked you nicely.

I believed you. It was just that no one else could see him but you.

I came as soon as I heard. It’s a good thing I've got a key to this apartment.

I can fix that.

I can’t believe it. It’s beyond disgusting.

I can’t believe we left the party so soon. All that wine to spit around.

I can’t go home.

I can’t.

I couldn’t help myself. I've been smitten by Annabelle.

I did this self actualising workshop and they taught us that pain is your friend.

I did, didn’t I? To get the waiter’s attention.

I do?

I do?

I don’t have a child.

I don’t know what to say.

I don’t love anyone cos love’s for girls and girls are disgusting.

I don’t want to be alone here.

I feel awful.

I forgive you. OK?

I forgot to give you something.

I forgot to give you something.

I gave it my best shot but we’ve been separated two years now.

I got this note, not from Charles, from Drop Dead Fred.

I guess I'll stay in the apartment but, Janie, I really want him back.

I had no idea they were worth that much until mine sank.

I hate Charles.

I have been pounded flat on the anvil of love like a piece of veal with a salad on top.

I hid all night in the stupid garden shed

I just think I’d like to be one of them. OK?

I know what’s best for me. You have to stop treating me like I’m your enemy.

I know.

I know.

I like him a lot better than I used to.

I love being with you. I love the way you cut your hair.

I love dangerous. Don’t worry. I can take care of this Drop Dead Fred.

I love him.

I love him. I really do.

I love the way you sink houseboats.

I love those breaking noises.

I love you.

I made the same mistake a lot of people make.

I made your sweater stripy.

I mean, can he make you puke?

I miss our mornings.

I must be dreaming.

I never do anything right.

I promise.

I realise you’re feeling pretty conflicted right now.

I remember getting in the car, pulling away, taking one last look at you

I remember the ugly sisters. They were great.

I said piss off but I did not say it to you.

I think a car should represent its owner, don’t you?

I think I heard something.

I think it’s time to say goodbye... to your friend.

I think it’s time we got down to specifics, don’t you?

I thought he liked wine. Why does he keep spitting it out?

I want to play with the... Aha! The dolls.

I want you to do some affirmations with me.

I wanted to play but he bumped me on the head and said piss off.

I was just admiring your dress.

I wrote the note.

I’d like to know more about the grown up Mickey Bunce.

I’ll be back in a moment with your pill.

I’ll be lonely.

I’ll get it. I’d like to. What the hell.

I’ll throw myself in front of the first... fire truck that I can see.

I’ll wait for you at our apartment. At last he wants to talk.

I’m going to be at work till lunch, then I’ll be back.

I’m going to hide in a place where you’ll never find me. Bye bye.

I’m going to need flour and sugar and honey and vodka.

I’m going.

I’m grown up.

I’m in the driver’s seat.

I’m just getting my bag. I’m fine, Mother.

I’m not a coward. Have they gone?

I’m not afraid of you!

I’m really sorry. I didn’t know I was going to get you into so much trouble.

I’m so sorry.

I’m sorry. Excuse me.

I’m staying here tonight. I’m staying here tonight.

I’m stuck cos your stupid, ugly, fat, grown up husband has left you.

I’ve got some dog poo right here.

I’ve never heard anything so disgusting in all my life.

If I could just be alone with him.

If I could just get him alone and talk to him.

If she had been naughty, the prince would have run away.

If you ever touch this again, I’ll throw it in the trash.

If you think you can handle it, here.

If your husband thinks he can get rid of me with a stupid pill, he’s got another think coming.

Is he here now?

Is he the violent type?

Is it? It is.

It feels good on. I like yours. Yours is nice.

It looks just like our boat.

It takes more than a fire truck to stop Drop Dead Fred.

It was funny. I didn’t know whether I should hold her hand when we walked down the street

It was just a joke.

It was just a joke.

It was only a joke.

It was three years... in June.

It won’t hurt her. She’ll land right in the gladioli’s.

It... It sank.

It’ll be the most romantic, wonderful, romantic... romantic salad.

It’s a burglar bag.

It’s getting dangerous. There’s two of them now and they’ve got pills.

It’s got to be him.

It’s more than your father did when he left. Does he say anything else?

It’s not ready yet. We need lots of other things. We need cornflakes and orange juice. Beautiful.

It’s not right.

It’s very hot in here, isn’t it?

It’s you. I swear. Fred is gone. You know what? I’ll make a dinner salad.

Janie, I’m so sorry.

Janie, if I go home, he’s bound to be there.

Janie, suddenly he’s everywhere and only I can see him.

Janie, that’s what he said. He said he wants...

Janie!

Janie?

Jesus.

Just a moment. Could the court reporter approach the bench, please?

Just do it, no brain.

Just do it, no brain.

Just forget her. Just say the magic words.

Just look in there. Please.

Just one more thing. Love, Charlie.

Just wet dreams.

Leave him.

Let’s go, burglar.

Let’s go.

Let’s go.

Let’s go. We’ll steal gold and we’ll steal silver and we’ll steal jewels

Let’s not go through all this l never want to see you again stuff

Let’s write something on the carpet. Let’s write, Mother sucks.

Listen, I’m Drop Dead Fred, right?

Lizzie, is our romantic salad ready?

Lizzie?

Look at Elvis.

Look at him. He’s still talking about love. I always said you should be a girl.

Look out. It’s the witch. Come on. Quick.

Look, I am getting fed up of this.

Look, I’ve got a long day.

Look, you’ve got to be what you want to be.

Look, you’ve got you now.

Man the lifeboats!

Maybe Mommy’s right.

Maybe that does work.

Mickey Bunce.

Mickey, I’m so sorry. I hope I didn’t get you into trouble.

Mickey, you’re the best.

Mind your backs.

Mm hm.

Mm hm.

More blush here.

More?

Morning.

Mother, are you going to be doing any gardening today?

Mother, can we talk about when I was little?

Mother, do you remember when I was little I had this friend? He was make believe.

Mr Bunce.

Mr Pooh.

Murray is here one night a month. You had to pick tonight.

Murray is in there. You can’t stay long.

My intestines. Not my intestines!

Na na na na na! Looks just like her mother.

Namby Pamby!

Natalie, now, come on. What really happened?

Natalie, what happened here?

Nice catch. OK. Hide your eyes and count to a million.

Nice job. Nice job.

Nigel. Nigel!

No one believed me.

No panties! Ah!

No panties.

No, but that won’t stop me from killing the little bastard.

No, don’t do that. Please don’t do that.

No, get me a chainsaw. I’m going to slice her into tiny pieces.

No, I don’t remember Drop Dead Fred at all.

No, I don’t remember her. I forgot everything about her. She made me puke.

No, listen. Would you listen? I am in control with Lizzie.

No, no, no! Yes, yes, yes.

No, not always.

No, this is really important to me.

No, you see, I think it should definitely be more like mine.

No!

No.

No.

No. First you sink Janie’s houseboat. What you did in that restaurant.

No. It scares me.

No. It’s too late for that now. Snot face, I’m going to take the rap alone.

No. Look, it’s OK. It’s all been great to me.

No. No. No!

Not dolls. How about hide and seek?

Not Fred. No, he always stood up for me.

Not thin air, Drop Dead Fred.

Nothing yet.

Nothing, except you’re ruining my life.

Nothing. Would you come sit here with me, Mother?

Now it’s time to make our getaway through here.

Now that we’re home, everything is perfect.

Now, Elizabeth, don’t worry. All these products are cruelty free.

Now, I want you to eat all your vegetables.

Now, opening a window requires great sophisticatedliness.

Now.

Of course I still love you, Annabelle.

Of course it is.

Of course, Elizabeth.

Oh, boy.

Oh, Charlie.

Oh, God. I didn’t know that.

Oh, mind that.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my...

Oh, no, gladiolas.

Oh, no. Mickey fart pants. Who let him grow up?

Oh, yes. Much more grown up. Charles is going to love this.

Oh, you look so handsome!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh! Drop Dead Fred did it.

Oh! This isn’t like when we were five. We’re grown ups now, so piss off.

Oh? That’s all you say to me?

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh. I never had imaginary friends.

OK, buddy, what shall we steal now?

OK, Charles.

OK, fine.

OK, I was just asking. Just trying to be nice.

OK, I...

OK, Lizzie.

OK?

OK?

OK.

OK.

OK.

OK. Erm...

OK. I’m ready.

OK. Now.

OK. Why did you do that?

Okey dokey.

Once she knew how, she knew that she could do it all the time.

Only when my mother was...

Only with me.

Ooh!

Ooh! Careful.

Ooh! Ow.

Oooh!

Or give her a kiss good night.

Our lives have worked out! Thank you, Drop Dead Fred.

Ow!

Ow!

Ow!

Ow!

Pants pie can’t save me now. The only thing that can save me is a mud pie.

Peekaboo, yeah. I play that with Natalie all the time.

Peekaboo.

Phew.

Polly, hi.

Promise?

Punch me.

Quick.

Remember your house?

Repeat after me. I don’t need a man to complete my life.

Right, let’s do it.

Right, that’s it. I hate you.

Right.

Right. I want you to tell them loud and clear and proud, Drop Dead Fred did it.

See that woman over there?

See that? Promise.

She has an imaginary friend.

She made a terrible mess in the kitchen and expects me to believe a pretend friend did it.

She might cut your head off.

She said I’m not pretend. What are you, deaf?

She trusts me.

She’s a lot to handle. She’s a lot like you used to be.

She’s absolutely insane.

She’s always fighting with your dad and calling you horrible things.

She’s going through a difficult time and she is a friend.

She’s just too much.

She’s only a kid, Pol.

She’s only a kid, Pol.

She’s regressed to where these children are.

Shh!

Shh. Shh!

Shh. Shh.

Since you’ve already chosen, what you may as well do is to choose what you chose.

Snot face, come here.

Snot face, please help.

Snot face, wake up. Wake up!

Snot face.

Snot face.

Snot face.

So I never showed her my real feelings again.

So now can we run away, please?

So that must make you cry. Well, now I know what to do.

So what are you going to do about him?

So what did the doctor say? Are you insane or what?

So what, then?

So what? What are you saying that for?

So who’s for snot flicking?

So you’re all alone and you’re all unhappy.

So...

Sometimes I think I don’t love you as much as I used to.

Sooner or later one of us has got to do something positive for once in our life for both our sakes.

Specifics, don’t you? What is it? It’s gone now.

Sure. Here.

Sure. This is going to be great. We’ll sail the seven seas.

Surround yourself with light.

Take your things upstairs.

Tell them there’s a burglar.

Than to say Oh, Lizzie and be somewhere else with Annabelle?

That is a very strange young lady.

That means there’s a load of grown up things to smash.

That was great. That make you feel better?

That’s good. There’s the milk. Good. Lots of milk.

That’s right. That’s where I hid it. But you never answered it.

That’s so Namby Pamby.

That’s what friends are for, even imaginary ones.

The best thing is for me to go and live with Annabelle.

The bitch. She squashed my head.

The damage to the room was incredible.

The death breath. She killed me with the death breath.

The engine’s broken, that’s all. I’ll go and fix the engine. You keep an eye out, Captain.

The evil one reigns supreme.

The good thing about it is I got to keep my daughter. That’s Natalie.

The little games we used to play.

The material, it’s so pretty. Slinky.

The megabitch. Let me at her!

The only thing that could make me happy would be getting Charles back.

The police report.

The time has come...

Then we’d better be very careful.

There he is.

There’s nothing I can do.

They just neutralise that part of the brain which is malfunctioning.

They’re going to turn you into one of them. You’ve started already.

This car looks great topless.

This is great, stuck in a truck with two girls.

This is great. The whole gang’s here. Let’s have a sick contest!

This is it. I’m afraid you’re going to have to find a new baby sitter.

This is stupid. We ought to be in a shop that sells harpoons and nets and hammers.

This is very expensive.

This table leg must be loose again.

This way! Captain Fred’s in charge!

To battle with the three headed megabeast.

To protect you.

Ugh! I’m sorry I'm going to have to be sick all over you. Lie down. Hang on.

Uh!

Used to live down the street when we were little kids.

Very funny, Elizabeth.

Very nice.

Vodka and pants pie. God knows what else.

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute. Those are the... pills. This is getting serious. We’d better get out of here.

Wait here. Charlie!

Wake up.

Wake up. Look what I’ve done.

Wake up. What, are you shedding?

Want a cookie?

We always do everything together.

We did it. I told you it would work. Brilliant.

We haven’t got time. We have to get you back with Charles and I can do it.

We need a tree.

We’ll put on eye patches. We’ll cut off our legs and glue on wooden ones.

We’re not going to throw away two years, are we?

We’ve been found out.

Well, I dated her three or four times.

Well, I don’t think that works.

Well, it is a lovely day for it.

Well, it’s no wonder Charles left you.

Well, mind the carpet.

Well, thank you very much, dear friend.

Well, to hell with you, Annabelle.

Well, you know.

Well... I know how much you... hate the word divorce

What a pile of shit.

What a pile of shit.

What a total groove. You’ve got Charles back and I have all those zeros.

What am I doing?

What am I doing?

What are we doing this for?

What are you doing, Miss Shagrue?

What are you doing?

What did you do?

What do you mean it’s no good for you this way? Annabelle, wait.

What do you mean?

What do you think, he shits in the corner, he eats with his paws? You can’t stay here.

What happened?

What have I done?

What is that water doing there?

What the hell.

What will the neighbours think? Officer...

What would you know about raising a child?

What?

What? Why do I always get the blame? You’ve got the g****. The lady with the g**** did it.

What’s so funny?

What’s so special about him?

What’s the matter?

What’s the matter? Where’d they go?

Whee!

When we don’t want to hear the words Drop Dead Fred ever again.

Where do you think you’re going?

Where is he?

Where is it? Come on. There must be some here somewhere.

Where is the dolls?

Where were we?

Where’s the fire truck and the rest of the toys?

Who does this guy think he is, playing around with a married woman?

Whoa!

Whoo! I like her. She is good. She is awfully good.

Why did you do that?

Why not?

Why not? Do they make you sick or stupid? I’ll take them. I’m Fred.

Why?

Yeah, but didn’t Elvis kill himself?

Yeah, but it’s not ready. It’s still too pretty. It needs something.

Yeah, Fred. Just went out of me.

Yeah, I think so.

Yeah, sure. I’ll just touch that one.

Yeah, well, we’re not scared of you, fatso.

Yeah!

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah. For a girl.

Yeah. So did I.

Yes, “she whispered, “I will be your princess.

Yes, but before that he was interesting.

Yes, Charles. Leave everything to me. It’s Charles.

Yes, it’s hard to look on the bright side but...

Yes.

Yes. I’ve got my car.

Yeugh! What happened to you? Look at you. You’re all older. You’re even uglier.

You and the Puttanesca woman, out of here.

You are crazy in the most wonderful way.

You are so sick. You know what? I don’t want an imaginary friend any more.

You can’t stay here, though.

You cut your hair.

You did more than agree. It was your idea and you were right.

You don’t need me. Not anymore.

You don’t want me anymore? Well, fine.

You don’t want to let her take the green ones.

You got married? You mean you’ve been doing it like the pigeons? No.

You have a lot of options open to you right now.

You have to go alone.

You have to leave. I’m expecting Charles.

You just disappeared.

You just don’t know how to make a marriage work.

You just said Annabelle.

You kiss your mother with that mouth?

You know, some people believe that you really never ever fall out of love.

You look fabulous.

You may have Drop Dead Fred. I have Dr Ryland.

You picked up a piece of broccoli and went, What a lovely piece of broccoli.

You play such an expensive violin in a shopping mall?

You said she was mousey.

You said that Fred did it.

You should get yourself a friend.

You shouldn’t say things like that about your mother.

You’ll never hear from Fred again.

You’re driving me crazy. Please just get out of my life.

You’re fired.

You’re getting good at this. Let’s go.

You’re going to behave. Conscious or unconscious, it’s all the same to me.

You’re here.

You’re like a Lynch Bages 83, a fine wine that’s sure to age well.

You’re not happy.

You’re not invited.

You’ve been playing with him, haven’t you?

You’ve got to leave him.

Young lady, you have a lot of explaining to do.

Your child has one, too, huh?

Your lunch.

Your problem is you’re no fun anymore. You’ve turned into your mother.

(Mother) Elizabeth! Quick, hide.

A game? Yeah, a game, like we used to, in the old days.

A romantic dinner salad. Yeah. OK?

All I know is what you did with her on our sofa. Lizzie, I'm sorry.

All right, stay the night. Thank you.

All right. Let’s get Charles back. I'll help you. OK.

All the time. That’s what I do. You’ve never helped me.

All you do is smash things up. What’s wrong with that?

And I’ll eat the rest of her. Yeah! And then we’ll get up...

and the... The Fred.

And then we’ll cut her head off. With scissors.

And then we’ll make her eat it. Make her eat her own head?

Are there any side effects? None.

Are you all right, Fred? Yes, I'm all right.

Are you coming back? I’ll be right up, Mur.

Boo! Hello, snot face! Argh!

But all mine are alive. That’s not saying much.

But I want you to come back with me. That’s just tough.

But, Charles, she is just a child. I’m a grown up, Polly.

Charles. Annabelle.

Did not, did not, did not! I did, I did, I did!

Did so. You did not.

Divorce? Yes.

Do you really want to know, Fred? Yeah.

Do you work here? No.

Don’t mention his name. Sorry.

Don’t say things like that now, Fred. Lizzie.

Don’t step on that carpet. I had it shampooed. Yes, Mother.

Don’t worry about me. No, no, F...

Drop Dead Fred does. No more Drop Dead Fred, period!

Drop Dead Fred. I used to pretend I had an imaginary friend.

Elizabeth Cronin? Yeah.

Elizabeth? Yeah, it’s me, Mother.

Everything I own is on that boat. It’s all still there.

Excuse me. Yes, I have. Did not.

Forget it. I’ll make a lovely salad. Please.

Fred, get up. Go away!

Fred, let’s just behave ourselves. Sure. Not a problem.

Fred! It’s either him or me, Elizabeth.

Fred? Yeah.

Fred. You’re going to be sorry.

Get up. Spoilsport.

Go away. What?

Go away. You want me to go away?

Go inside. Why are you going with them?

Go on. Drop Dead...

Go on. Drop Dead...

Graggy. Hey, Fred, hold this.

Grown up? Uh huh.

Harpoon him through the head? Brilliant.

Having fun? (Waiter) Come on, buddy.

He was here? Am I missing something?

He’s back. I hear you knocking but you can’t come in.

He’s such an animal. You mean he goes all night?

He’s the wrong man for you. I don’t want to hear it.

Hello, police? Are they there?

Hello. Give them the address.

Here it comes. Wow, my first real mud pie!

Hey, Freddy. Hi, guys! (All groan)

Hi, Fred. You’re completely wrong cos I don’t love you.

Hi! What’s he doing now?

Hi. Fred.

Hm? About what? This Drop Dead Fred business.

How about the telephone? Good idea.

I am the pirate who doesn’t touch anything. That’s right.

I brought your dress, madam. Mickey.

I can’t touch anything? No. OK?

I did? Annabelle? Is that her name? Yes.

I didn’t want anybody to walk on my carpet. Yeah, I know.

I don’t hear you. It’s important. He’s worse than the megabeast.

I don’t need a man to complete my life. I’m perfect the way that I am.

I don’t think I said that. Yes.

I don’t want anything to do with it. It’s not right. All right. I’ll do it.

I had a child to save a marriage. How can you say that?

I heard. Hello, Mother.

I know, but this will take one minute. There’s no way anyone can see her.

I know, cos she’s so crazy. Yes, crazy.

I love playing pirates. Fred, don’t touch anything.

I never knew a barge was worth this much? Not a barge. A river condominium.

I tell you something? What?

I thought I was your best friend. You are.

I want to be here when he comes. Don’t disagree with your mother.

I won’t touch that one. I’ll touch that one. Nothing.

I’ll come with you. I’ll be your date. That’s really nice but no thanks.

I’m going to be late for lunch. Who are you having lunch with?

I’m just describing what I saw. Everybody has strange friends, even you.

I’m just getting a glass of water. Uh huh.

I’m no coward. I don’t want to.

I’m not afraid of you. You can’t go in there.

I’m not criticising. You are.

I’m perfect the way that I am. I hate Charles.

I’m sorry, Pol. Stand still. I’ll clean it later.

I’m sorry. No, don’t apologise.

I’m sorry. So am I.

I’m staying here tonight. Charles is coming here later.

Is that him? Mm hm.

Is this a girly thing? It’s a creative visualisation.

Is this for me? Get me an axe.

It was a joke. You guys should loosen up. Out!

It’s been 20 years. At least.

It’s chocolate and it’s yummy. Want some? No, I don’t want any.

It’s dark in there. Be careful. Stay low.

It’s from Charles. More bad news, no doubt.

It’s pretty neat. It looks good on you.

It’s very purple. Annabelle.

Janie. Just do it.

Let me finish. You agreed.

Let’s go. I’ll leave when I want to.

Let’s go. No.

Let’s go. Thanks.

Lizzie, come on, now. Don’t do that. We have to do it this way.

Lizzie, shouldn’t you be having lunch? This is important.

Michael, take your foot out of my door. Oh...

Mickey. Goodness. Yeah!

My little Chardonnay. There you are.

My little vermentino. My little Pinot Noir.

Natalie, what did you do? Natalie Bunce, where are you?

Neither do I. No. I had a divorce here.

Nigel, do it. No, I won’t.

No, I didn’t. Yes, you did. You said, Oh, Annabelle.

No, you’re not, you’re staying. No, Mother, this time I’m definitely going.

No. Good.

No. Yes. Give me the guilty sweater.

Not just because I’m visible. (Man) Janie!

Not now? No, I mean now.

Not... Yes.

Now what’s happened? I have some bad news for you.

Now. Now.

Oh, my God. I’m having a heart attack. Shh!

OK. Come on, Fred.

OK. Daddy, it was his idea.

OK. Here I go. I’m making it.

OK. Come on. The coast is clear.

Ow! Goodbye forever. I hope you die horribly.

Pain makes you interesting. Janie.

Piss off. Gotcha. Those weren’t the magic words.

Promise? Promise.

Really? Yeah, really.

Really? Yeah.

She’s real pretty. She’s beautiful.

Shit yourself? God, I thought you were dead.

Smells good. Mm!

Snot face, you are looking great. I am?

So I'd better do it, OK? OK.

So? So?

Sugar? Yeah.

Take it easy. You’re out of here.

Take the top off. OK.

Thank you, Mother. That’s a good girl.

Thank you. Are you OK?

Thanks. I think I was six when we moved away.

That never happened. It didn’t happen, but you wanted it to.

That’s good. Here.

That’s it. I’m taking the last pill. No.

That’s lovely. This is fun.

That’s probably where the diamonds are hidden. Yeah! Great idea.

The goodbye pill. Don’t do that.

There’s nobody there. He’s invisible, idiot.

They’ve cut the phone line. Oh, my God!

This is a great place. It’s Charles’s favourite restaurant.

This would be good for the wine gala. It looks like a big bruise.

To the Charlie party. Yeah.

Uh oh! You don’t throw spaghetti in my restaurant.

Urgh! What’s this? Charles’s poster for his wine tasting party.

We didn’t even get to play spin the bottle. I got upset.

We’re not five any more. I know.

Well, I’ve got to go, so I’ll see you chickens later. Fred. Not the pills.

Well, let’s go. No. I can’t go alone.

Well, who’s in there? My mother.

What did you just touch? Nothing.

What did you say to me? She told you to piss off. Are you deaf?

What for? We could harpoon Charles through the head,

What is it? It’s time to play burglars.

What is Puttanesca? My dress.

What shall we do? Make a run for it.

What? What?

What’s the news? Wait till my endorphins kick in.

Where are we going? Play time!

Where are we going? Use your imagination.

Where is he? I don’t know.

Where’s all the dolls? Drop Dead Fred.

Where’s he gone? I don’t know. Come on.

Who? Drop Dead? An imaginary friend I had as a child.

Why do you call him Drop Dead Fred? Because that’s his name, Daddy.

Will Charles be there? Yeah.

With what? Oh, yeah. Well, I’ll eat her head, then.

Yeah! Yeah!

Yeah? Yeah!

Yeah. Hey, do what I did. Plead insanity.

Yeah. Charles is going to hate it. You look beautiful.

Yes, I am. If you’re so happy, why am I still here?

Yes, thank you. That’s better.

Yes. Wait. When was it my idea?

Yes. Yes what?

You can’t go to work. I love you but I’ve got to go.

you give me a lift? Absolutely. Come on.

You must have thought I was crazy. Not at all.

You said Oh, Annabelle. That’s impossible.

You’ll help me? Yeah, I’ll help you.

You’re not going to get that out, are you? Not now.

(All) Whoo!

(Banging and clattering)

(Charles) Beef Wellington, how nice.

(Charles) I miss our mornings.

(Charles) What’s for dinner? (Elizabeth) Your favourite.

(Clattering)

(Clock ticking)

(Door bangs)

(Door opening)

(Doorbell)

(Fire crackling)

(Fred shouting) There! Come back!

(Fred) Aha!

(Fred) If you come back, I promise we’ll run away together.

(Fred) Lovely. Right.

(Fred) Oi, wait for me.

(Fred) There they are. Which one of you two did it? Was it you?

(Fred) Wake up!

(Groans sleepily)

(Humming merrily)

(Janie) Elizabeth!

(Janie) I feel basically it’s all about choice.

(Judge) Counsel, advise your client to keep his remarks to himself.

(Laughter)

(Lock rattling)

(Lock turns)

(Man) Hey, buddy.

(Man) Thank you.

(Mouths)

(Mouths)

(Mouths)

(Music speeds up)

(Nigel) Keep cool.

(Oat squealing)

(Officer) Stay down here.

(Plinks)

(Plops in cup)

(Pop Goes The Weasel)

(Rattling)

(Screams)

(Sirens)

(Sobbing quietly)

(Stops)

(violin playing, out of tune)

(Woman) Disgusting!

(Woman) Somebody call security.

(Woman) Sorry, Your Honour. May we finally proceed?

(Woman) You called?

ƒ Dog poo, dog poo, lovely, lovely dog poo dog poo on the chair