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The Birdcage (1996) The Birdcage is a delightful and hilarious comedy film released in 1996. Directed by Mike Nichols, the

The Birdcage (1996)

The Birdcage is a delightful and hilarious comedy film released in 1996. Directed by Mike Nichols, the film features an all-star cast including Robin Williams, Gene Hackman, Nathan Lane, Dianne Wiest, and Hank Azaria. Set in Miami's colorful South Beach, the story revolves around a gay cabaret owner (played by Robin Williams) and his flamboyant partner (played by Nathan Lane) who must pretend to be a straight couple when their son announces his conservative fiancée and future in-laws will visit. The ensuing chaos and comedic situations make for a highly entertaining and heartwarming tale. Immerse yourself in the joyous sounds of The Birdcage soundtrack, available for play and download here.

A big hand for our girls.
A big, loving family gathered around the table,
A fellow sufferer. Where did you play?
A man's wealth is measured by the size of his cock.
A minor? And black?
A nice trip. Very nice.
A prostitute?
A triumph. Well, bye bye.
A wedding is hope. And a white wedding is family and morality and tradition.
A woman is said to be worth her weight in hens.
Abortion, same sex marriage...
About 15 years ago. The area was mostly ******* then.
About a return to family values and a stricter moral code.
About the death of Senator Jackson.
About what? Once they see you and Albert together...
Absolutely. We've got five hours.
Actually, it's perfect. I never realized John Wayne walked like that.
Agador said she'd be down in five.
Agador Spartacus! He insists on being called by his full name.
Agador, I need some Pirin tablets.
Agador, I'm in such pain.
Agador, where is Starina? She goes on in five minutes.
Agador, will you? It's in the usual place.
Agador? Goddamn it.
Al, you old son of a bitch! How do you feel about that call today?
Albert, you're driving me crazy.
Albert!
Albert!
Albert!
Albert?
Albie, no. I've just taken a few things out.
All I have to remember is, I can always get more toast.
All right, all right.
All the colors.
All they trust are headlines.
Alone... weeping for her lover.
Although I do think that the foliage in Ohio is underrated.
An event which I cannot...
And a Scotch, if you have it.
And banged your head on the ground. He didn't even know how to box!
And everyone laughs at me.
And finally, the vulgar Coleman in Florida, where Armand's home is.
And gays in the military.
And girls! Doesn't your bowl have girls?
And he's a pretentious European, the worst kind.
And he's my friend and companion.
And here's another one.
And his decadent china. I've seen it all before.
And His Women; Senator Keeley and His Men."
And how about that?
And I have more bad news for you.
And I know nothing because I'm a woman.
And I saw a bottle of white wine,
And I'm marrying her, not him.
And it was a question of Albert or your mother.
And it's terrifying. Get out the white wine,
And look at these lovely old books.
And one after. No more, so don't ask.
And poor, little Mrs. Coleman.
And see the tremendous differences from region to region,
And so do you.
And talk in your normal voice. Give me a break.
And the English. Not Margaret Thatcher, of course.
And the maids we've run through in the last six years!
And the son disappearing while we were eating.
And their name is Goldman, not Coleman.
And they threw in books. It all goes back tomorrow.
And this.
And today, for the first time, he really needs you.
And what about Albert? How do you make Albert into a housewife?
And you do make people laugh.
And you hate me.
And you smear. Men smear.
And you...
And you're going to have to try to,
And your posture.
Another television crew. And they're going into the club!
Another television van just arrived. And a car.! T says Florida Eagle.
Any last instructions?
Anything? I'll have to change my shoes.
Are we crucifying someone tonight?
Are you afraid of my Guatemalanness?
Are you calling me an asshole?
Are you crazy?
Are you crazy? Forget it.
Are you crazy? It's packed out there!
Are you nuts? You try sending Albert away.
Aristotle Onassis was like this.
Armand Goldman, you old so and so.
Armand Goldman.
Armand, it's Katharine.
Armand.
Armand... Coleman.
Army Goldman.
As a sign of your union, you may kiss the bride.
As if anyone, ****, Muslims, whatever,
As requested.
As we come to the end of our show, you are family, too, so sing along.
As you see, I've just gotten back from safari. I picked up a new muff.
Aspirin, with the "A" and "S" sc****d off.
At least he speaks English.
At this point, we don't know if the Senator is at home...
Aye, for the gypsy.
Back?
Barbara will be with you. It's not you they're after.
Barbara, Albert isn't my mother. He's a drag queen.
Barbara, please don't do this to me.
Barbara, the nightclub downstairs, he owns it?
Barbara.
Barbara's coming with her parents.
Barbara's wedding will disassociate us from all this, really.
Because you have to start cooking dinner.
Because you're our faithful houseman.
Bessie Jackson is an insensitive cow.
Better put your shoes on, it's late.
Better to kill the mothers. That will stop them.
Bless them. That's the way nature made them.
Bob Dole is gorgeous!
Bravo!
Breathe. Ignore the bad things.
Bridget!
But at 20, if you throw yourself away on some dormitory slut,
But can't pick out a tie.
But don't just pull it. Do it down there. I got highwaters here.
But how many mothers does Val have?
But I don't want you to get how you get.
But I know who I am, Val. It took me 20 years to get here.
But if things go well, I'd appreciate it.
But it still has be a good drag show. If possible, a great one.
But it's not important.
But the fetus is going to be aborted, so let it go down with the ship.
But then, he comes from such good stock.
But watch how nice I'm gonna put it for you.
But who owns it now?
But... you've always said I was a very level headed guy. And I am.
By a virtual army of media, waiting for his comment on the events of late.
C O L E M A N. There's no first name on the bell.
Can I get anyone some soup?
Can you get a good shot of the house?
Can you...
Care to dance... baby?
Celsius, let's start with the premise
Celsius, look, this may be a drag show,
Chewing gum helps me think.
Chill two glasses and take the night off.
Chilling in the refrigerator.
Co founder of the Coalition...
Coldman, Coldman. Spartacus is...
Cole d'man in Greece where Armand's work is,
Coleman and his nasty little European traditions.
Coleman or Coldman?
Coleman. The "D" is silent.
Come give me a hug.
Come on, Gloria.
Come on! Don't be so negative. I think we can pull this off.
Come on.
Come on. Drop your bags, stay a while.
Come on. You're a big fan.
Coming.
Could you say I was a visiting relative?
Couldn't the Keeleys slip out at the end of the show?
Cutting through the green.
Cyril, that's too short.
Dad uses this place more for work and... reflection than anything else.
Dad, Barbara's father is a senator, a conservative senator.
Dad, could we hire a straight maid for tonight?
Dad, get in there. Everything is going to hell.
Dad, he's Kevin Keeley.
Dad, is my mother coming?
Dad, what do we do? Do we wait for her or do we...
Daddy!
Dark.
Darling, have you eaten? You look haggard.
Did they fund the Mapplethorpe exhibit?
Did you get him?
Did you just say, "See you in half an hour, Mom"?
Did you see what he just did? Hello, Vallie, darling.
Dinner is going to be late, okay?
Do I send Carmen on for Starina?
Do me a favor, Val. Don't talk to me for a while.
Do you ever read the newspapers?
Do you remember the show where we met?
Do you want me to be?
Does it matter?
Don't add.
Don't add. Just subtract.
Don't ask, don't tell.
Don't be afraid.
Don't be silly. It isn't even swollen.
Don't be silly. No one noticed the wig. Where's the spirit gum?
Don't be so negative! Have a little hope!
Don't be such a baby. Be careful!
Don't come...
Don't go. I don't want to be the only girl not dancing.
Don't just stand there! She'll be here any minute! Go!
Don't kill yourselves.
Don't leave me!
Don't look at me. I'm hideous!
Don't patronize your mother. She's amazingly intelligent.
Don't worry about that.
Don't you agree?
Don't you see? They're gay.
Don't you think this room is nice?
Earlier reports placed him at the home of Senator Robert Dole.
Easy on the wine, Mom.
Every autumn to see the foliage turn.
Everybody, take it easy.
Everyone speaking English and no drugs and no AIDS.
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
Excuse me...
Fairy dust, fairy dust, fairy dust.
Fat, insecure, middle aged thing!
Feel my pulse. Am I all right?
First, get your pinky down. It's up again.
Fisher Island. Such a lovely spot.
For reasons that I cannot...
For the first time.
Forget about my suffering. It's just about your show.
Forgive me for being so late, but traffic was unbelievable!
From that day on, they looked for a cemetery they really loved
Fuck it! It's one night. I can live through it.
Fuck!
Georgia.
Get buried in Palm Beach,
Get the goddamn pinky down! Make your fingers like iron. Stop trembling!
Give me some candy, Louise.
Go ahead, hit me. Go on.
Go ahead.
Go away. I hate you! I never want to see you again.
Go inside. I'll tape a note to Katharine to the door.
Go on, hit me.
Go right in.
Go upstairs. Try to get her ready. I'll be right up. Go!
God bless you.
God, this is a nightmare.
God, what a mess.
Goldman.
Good evening. I am Spartacus, the Goldmans' butler.
Good evening. May I take your purse, as usual? Or...
Good God. That sounds like it's coming from downstairs.
Good morning.
Goodbye, Armand.
Goodbye, Armand.
Great. Then he's driving back from Miami at 20 miles an hour
Greece?
Greek boys, actually. Naked Greek boys.
Half of the club?
Hang on.
Happy I am that I can do this for you.
Have the chauffeur pick me up by the orchard.
Having contact between the generations.
He always dressed like this. He killed himself at 30.
He can't do that while I'm singing!
He didn't make an entrée.
He died and left me everything.
He died in bed? Whose bed?
He has a very distinctive walk.
He just sounds so much like a mother.
He must be exhausted, poor baby. You should have told me he was coming.
He snuck out to meet with his advisors. They wouldn't come here.
He tells that beige savage what to do.
He won't embarrass me.
He's a brilliant chef. He just has a lot to learn about serving.
He's a man. They're both men.
He's fine. He wants to get married.
He's getting married, no matter what we say. The less said, the better.
He's just a baby. He'll ruin his life!
He's not terrible in that way. He won't get mixed up in some scandal.
He's running for re election. And she told him...
Hear, hear! It's so nice to meet people like you.
Hello, Albie.
Hello, Barbara.
Hello, Ben.
Hello! I'm home! I forgot my key.
Hello? A career? When you gonna let me audition for you again?
Hello. Katharine Archer, please. It's Armand Goldman.
Hello. She's gone, Mr. Goldman. But she always checks in.
Hello. What do you think?
Here I am.
Here we go.
Here we go. Champagne for everyone.
Here.
Here's to your future.
Hey, hey!
Hey.
Hold the knife boldly, with strength.
Honey, please. You got to get dressed for me.
How 'bout just your stockings, okay?
How about those Dolphins?
How about those Dolphins?
How adorable. She's shy.
How could you put out bowls without looking at them?!
How dare you eavesdrop?!
How do they get them on so quickly?
How do you think I feel? Betrayed. Bewildered.
How I love the sun.
How many mothers does he have?
How nice.
How unavailable, and what a body.
How was your trip, Senator?
How's the leg? My father has an old football injury.
Howdy, ma'am.
Hurry, you idiot! They're looking at the bowls.
I am, as are all my colleagues,
I bought them for Armand, but...
I broke my glass. I'm sorry.
I came through the orchard, over the barn.
I can see the headline: "Senator Jackson
I can't talk about this now.
I can't. And I won't.
I could play it straight.
I could really use some candy!
I couldn't find your glasses. Maybe they're in the car.
I did! I'm a wreck. This thing is all anyone can talk about.
I didn't have time to wax.
I didn't want to tell you over the phone.
I didn't want you to get hurt.
I don't believe it! You're shaving your chest now?
I don't believe it. It's been 100 years. Where are you?
I don't believe it. It's been 100 years. Where are you?
I don't care who he is. I don't want to be someone else.
I don't even know who you are! All you think about is your career.
I don't have one on me. Is tomorrow okay?
I don't know about Jonathan Swift, but I know one thing about your mother.
I don't know if he'll come out.
I don't know. They so stupid. They want me to have a career.
I don't understand.
I don't understand.
I don't want him to see me. I'm hideous!
I don't want to embarrass this lovely lady,
I feel bloated.
I gave Agador the night off.
I got backed off on a little bit.
I got it from the antique store next door. Too butch?
I got so much to do.
I got Val for it. It was a fair trade.
I gotta fire this woman.
I had so much to do. You give me no time to shop!
I have a barrette. If you don't move your head, it might work.
I have a good feeling about you people.
I have job offers, I know what I want. And I have an incredible role model.
I have mine. Here.
I have no idea.
I have the palimony papers.
I have to give my all. Everyone else can just "get through it." He's chewing gum.
I have to go back before they get to the bottom of the bowls.
I have to understand every nuance of a song.
I have two words for you: Green Card.
I just had the walls sponge painted, Val.
I just wanted so much to help you.
I knew white would make me look fat.
I knew you would.
I know just what's going on.
I know there was something on those bowls.
I know, but...
I know, honey. It's gonna pass.
I know, I know, if you kill the mother, the fetus dies, too.
I know. That's why I'm packing light.
I look like my grandfather in this suit.
I may have something to celebrate myself very soon.
I may need glasses, but I can see that.
I may not be as vulnerable as Mrs. Coleman...
I mean, that dinner.
I mean, those haircuts, those uniforms, who cares?!
I nearly died. I walk into my room and there's a woman in my bed!
I need a doctor.
I never wear shoes because they make me fall down.
I normally drink vegetable juice during business hours, but for this...
I only drink red.
I only drink red.
I paid the doorman 20 dollars.
I really must see you now.
I saw that.
I see.
I see. So we need a total redecoration, so we can be more like other people.
I sense it.
I sense it.
I shaved it for the show. I wanted to look young.
I should be there in half an hour.
I shouldn't have let him go. How will he get back in?
I think I would like to hug you, Mrs. Coleman.
I think it was. I was just so caught up.
I think we should go to South Beach. We should have dinner...
I think we're skirting an issue here that has Mr. Coleman very nervous.
I think you're all crazy.
I thought my secretary got it wrong.
I thought you were visiting your parents in Palm Beach.
I took off all my rings.
I understand. Just while people are here.
I want a palimony agreement, now.
I want that nice Armani break in the front.
I wanted to get fillet mignons, but they're so expensive.
I wanted to make him turn.
I was adorable once, young and full of hope.
I was going to say liberal, but he's dark, too.
I was, like, "Will you marry me?"
I will go on. The people have come to see Starina.
I woke up feeling so good.
I won't stay where I'm not wanted.
I wonder if he's old money. I mean, a cultural attaché.
I wonder if they're related to Tish and Bobo Coleman.
I would have if you hadn't said his name.
I would have liked to have had you as my family.
I would have picked up, but I was so interested
I would not have been so sassy to you.
I...
I'll be right down.
I'll be there in five minutes.
I'll explain in the car. Come on, Barbara. Let's go.
I'll finish pouring. Go take care of dinner.
I'll get it.
I'll just try this sample.
I'll say, "Albert, you must go away for a few days."
I'm 50 years old.
I'm a combination of Lucy and Ricky.
I'm afraid I am a bit naĂŻve.
I'm even more obvious, aren't you?
I'm glad I got on Jackson's bandwagon instead of Dole. Dole is just too...
I'm glad you cut your hair.
I'm going after fucking Albert.
I'm going down the ladder. I can't face the press.
I'm going to put him on. Yes. Take it.
I'm gonna put this here for you.
I'm having such a wonderful time.
I'm in the car and I got a message telling me not to come.
I'm just... a "guy."
I'm kidding.
I'm leaving you my stereo...
I'm not coming.
I'm not exactly maternal.
I'm not religious and I'm *******.
I'm not saying anything. I promised your father.
I'm not sure. Take it from the top.
I'm obvious?
I'm only here to get my toothbrush.
I'm quite aware of how ridiculous I am.
I'm so ashamed of how I acted. But how could I know?
I'm so happy to meet you at last.
I'm so proud of you.
I'm so sorry, Val.
I'm so sorry. I've ruined everything!
I'm sorry to laugh at Miss Albert, but what is that hairdo?
I'm sorry, I couldn't stop him.
I'm still with you because you make me laugh.
I'm stuck in traffic.
I'm sure that's not it.
I'm switching to white because red has tannins.
I'm the only guy in my fraternity who isn't from a broken home.
I'm the Vice President of the Coalition for Moral Order.
I'm very maternal.
I've done everything I could to make myself attractive for you.
I've lost and gained over a hundred pounds in the last year.
I've made your mother cry. I'm up for re election.
I've never danced with a man before.
I've never had so much go so wrong so quickly.
I've thought about you so many times.
I've yo yoed from a 16 to a 10 to a 16, and...
If he's so terrible, maybe your daughter shouldn't marry his son!
If not for the Pirin tablets, I couldn't go on.
Imelda, cancel my appointments for tonight.
In that shithole Los Copa, so I never miss a laugh.
In this incredible country of ours.
Instead of eating tofu.
Irish peasants feed their babies to the rich.
Is he?
Is it all right, Dad?
Is it Greek?
Is someone else home?
Is that Goldman?
Is that like Palm Beach?
Is this Val?
Is Val still asleep?
Is with the National Enquirer. Harry Radman.
Isn't the "D" silent?
Isn't this wonderful? All of us together.
It is pronounced Coleman, isn't it? We've had some confusion.
It just breaks my heart. They don't make woman like that anymore.
It looks like young men playing leapfrog.
It says I have the right to give you half of everything I own.
It was a long trip, though. Virginia, Kentucky,
It was my mother. I couldn't tell her not to come.
It was nice talking to you. We'll talk again soon.
It was so funny.
It was so weird.
It was to express moral, rather than political, views.
It was wonderful.
It wasn't that good.
It would be an affirmation! We could get the Pope's blessing. It's not hard.
It would mean everything to me if you would help us.
It'll be better without an uncle.
It's a cliché, but it's an image. John Wayne.
It's a dinner party, let's work with food.
It's a girl. I met her at school.
It's all right, my darling.
It's all right.
It's all right. I always dreamed you would. Just not so soon.
It's close. It's about two minutes from where Jeb Bush lives.
It's Cole d'Isle au Man, or Cole of the Isle of Man in France
It's different now. You're a man.
It's early.
It's everything.
It's just dazzling along I 75.
It's much nicer this way, much more masculine.
It's not a chateau, but it's a darn good place to call home.
It's not the end of your life.
It's not! You always think the worst.
It's nothing. It's painful...
It's okay! We're all right!
It's ours.
It's really very simple. Armand and I...
It's safer, if something happens to one of us.
It's so odd to me, this fuss over school prayer.
It's the oldest story in the world.
It's the palimony agreement. I told you I had it.
It's the perfect platform.
It's the shoes.
It's their only real currency.
It's this thing with Jackson.
It's this wonderful... Are you upset?
It's true. You're not young and you're not new,
It's very unfair of you to try to talk Val into this. He has every reason...
It's what they read.
Jackson's last words, "Your money's on the dresser, Chocolate" were racist.
Join Jay on The Tonight Show
Just because you're 22 and hung...
Just breathe. Let it go.
Just dazzling.
Just fantastic.
Just head for the door. We'll be out of here soon.
Just like those two adorable youngsters.
Just make it a bit more like other people's homes.
Just now on the phone?
Just one, okay? One before the show,
Just our dog, Piranha. We always lock her in when there's company.
Just put your shoes on!
Just sit!
Just sit!
Just the crucifix,
Katharine Goldman. Delighted to meet you. I'm sorry I'm so late...
Katie Archer. Or is it Mrs. Something?
Keeley's house last night. The fat guy,
Kevin, no!
Kevin, nothing has changed. It's still me.
Kevin, please, let's charter a plane.
Kevin, you're rambling.
Kevin? There may be a solution.
Ladies and gentlemen, the one, the only,
Lady, not for a million dollars.
Leave room for coffee.
Let go of my coat. I'll meet you in the car.
Let me explain.
Let me give you an image.
Let me tell you why.
Let me touch it.
Let's check it out.
Let's drink a toast to this catastrophe.
Let's give her half an hour and then if she isn't...
Let's just forget the whole thing.
Let's just get through it.
Let's leave her. Come on.
Let's see what these Greeks are doing.
Listen, I don't want you to go.
Lives above it, owns the building and he's gay.
Look at this.
Look at your pinky, your posture.
Look how it glitters in that thick, black nest of hair.
Look, it comes with accessories.
Look, it's not just one or two things, okay?
Los Copa? There isn't anything in Los Copa but a cemetery.
Louise, people in this country don't care about details.
Love and optimism versus cynicism and sex!
Married? How old is he?
Married? You're not even 18!
May I see you a moment, dear?
Maybe I'm just an old fashioned girl,
Maybe it is a bit much to introduce me as his mother on the first visit.
Maybe it is a bit much to introduce me as his mother on the first visit.
Mazel tov.
Me, too. And my father is
Me, too. Bye bye.
Meet me in 20 minutes at the corner of El Dorado and Palm.
Merde! Have Carmen get ready to do Starina's number, just in case.
Miss Albert, wait! Don't!
Miss Porter, page two,
Mom, I have something to tell you about Val's parents.
Mon congrats, you sweeties.
Monastery.
More for me, Dad.
More ice for you.
Mother is just following a train of thought to its logical
Mr. And Mrs. Armand Coleman of Greece and South Beach.
Mrs. Coleman is just very vulnerable.
Mrs. Keeley over there, and the Senator on my right.
My ankle. I don't think I can make it upstairs.
My arm. I hate it when you get hysterical.
My baby.
My cemetery is in Key Biscayne.
My family and I are leaving town for a few days,
My father owns the club downstairs. My mother is the star.
My father was the shaman of his tribe,
My God, 20 years.
My God, that beard!
My God! Are you crazy? What are you doing?
My goodness, it's very fast. Let's get you out of the sun.
My Guatemalanness. My natural heat.
My heart is breaking.
My men!
My mother always said, "Live on Fisher Island,"
My mother was the high priestess.
My mother won't be here for another 15 minutes.
My mother?
My parents lived on Fisher Island until they died.
My poor, devoted Agador.
My uncle?
My wife and I used to go to Virginia
Nancy Drew and the Case of the Burning Candle.
Neptune? That's a classic.
Nice to meet you, Katharine.
Nice touch.
No fancy art on the walls.
No good?
No matter how many shirts I send him, he only wears this one.
No one will dance with me. It's this dress.
No, Agador.
No, he's too liberal.
No, I'll come up with you. I'm sure there's a waiting room.
No, it isn't. Just breathe.
No, it really was.
No, it's fine.
No, it's his town car. I am looking at it.
No, it's something else. Something about the father and the butler.
No, no!
No, no. Of course not. And neither does she. But...
No, straighten it, then tighten it.
No, thank you, Mr. Lopez. Not today. The piglet is home.
No, that was a mistake. He said not to come late. I was there.
No, they're waiting for that. They'd be recognized.
No!
No! Goodness, no. He's a cultural attaché to Greece.
No! I don't want to go out there alone!
No! It will never pass. I hate my life.
No.
No. 20 years ago, she was a young girl, scared, broke. Now...
No. And he isn't married to a housewife.
No. He's conservative, like half of America is conservative.
No. I'm between husbands. Sit down.
No. I'm gonna look like a fag.
No. Just don't walk unless you have to.
No. Let's hear it. I have to get back to rehearsal.
No. We can't get out of the car. Once we get out of the car, we'll be spotted.
No. You do an eclectic celebration of the dance!
Not a lot of clever books on the shelves,
Not Carmen! How dare you?
Not one hint of encouragement, not one scrap of validation.
Not without a miracle.
Nothing.
Now go! And leave the front door unlocked.
Now just get off your horse and head into the saloon.
Now there are 150 people out there, half of them Kennedys, waiting for you.
Now, all of a sudden, I feel...
Now, all of a sudden, I feel...
Now, look at me. I'm this short,
Now, Mother, you know we live above a nightclub.
Of course it does.
Of course, Armand is much more sophisticated than I am.
Of course. There's no need to get hysterical.
Of course. Variety, the Arts and Leisure section of the Times...
Oh, Armand. Really?
Oh, God! Couldn't we start with someone easier?
Oh, God! Has he been tested?
Oh, God.
Oh, God...
Oh, my dear child. Welcome.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God. Armand?
Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I was feeling so good, and now...
Oh, no! Oh, but...
Oh, no.
Oh, no. Really?
Oh, please,
Oh, please. Look at you, at how you hold your glass.
Oh, please. You're just as worried about my career as I am.
Oh, shit.
Oh, thank you so much.
Oh, that.
Oh, Vallie! Oh, my God, this is such a shock.
Oh, Vallie! Oh, my God, this is such a shock.
Oh, well...
Oh, yeah. My God, he's put on so much weight since the Simpson case.
Oh, yes. Another gibe, another joke at my expense.
Oh, yes. Coleman.
Okay, let's go.
Okay?
Okay.
Okay.
Okay. Straighten, tighten.
On a day like this? I'll buy you anything you want.
One kiss, darling.
Or any other night.
Or are you too grown up for that now?
Or I'm just some cheap drag queen trying to get laughs.
Our house is a sea of papers. You men.
Our kind of people.
Over there? Okay, thanks.
Penmanship award.
Pennsylvania's nice, too.
People will notice if I'm never seen again.
PerdĂłname.
Perfect.
Perhaps one more schnecken. Do you mind? When the schnecken beckons...
Pleasant vacation house. I like its severity.
Please do. Explain to all of us.
Please don't cry. It's okay. You can stay.
Please hurry. This place has to look respectable by six.
Please, come... come in.
Please! You gotta help me a little.
Please.
Pop, I know I'm young.
Pop.
Put Katharine's note on the downstairs door.
Put on the mambo number. Have Beatrice and Dante get the staircase ready.
Put the moose on the patio.
React like a man, calmly.
Read it.
Ready for what?
Really?
Really?
Really? Barbara, get me my glasses, dear.
Red leaves, purple mountains...
Republican and Democrat, liberal and conservative alike,
Right away, Señor Goldman.
Right away, Señor Goldman.
Right. We gotta get rid of everything that's over the top.
Say it's okay, before Albert arrives and starts screaming.
Screaming queen?
See, the swelling's already gone down. It's nothing.
See?
Senator Jackson's demise has made us all... feel.
Senator Jackson's last words tonight on Inside Edition.
Senator Keeley, Mrs. Keeley,
Senator Keeley...
Senator, will this cost you votes?
Shall we have our coffee in the living room?
She called you Mother Coleman.
She had to. He founded the Coalition for Moral Order.
She was like, "Didn't you say no way before 30?"
She's a modern woman, tough as nails.
She's a passionate woman who follows her heart. And I love her.
She's a small town girl...
She's gonna see me.
She's just a little late!
She's still a girl from Grover's Corners.
She's traveled around the world, but deep down
She's with my grandparents in Palm Beach.
Shiny.
Shit!
Shit! No, dear, that was not my toast.
Shush! I'm going the back way.
Shut up!
Shut up!
Since when do you like beer?
Smear. Yeah.
So can you, Armand.
So Goldman owns the club,
So I can pretend to be a cultural attaché, whatever that is?
So I had to choose.
So it's not so much a vacation house as a...
So much hair.
So now I have to sell my plot in Key Biscayne so I can be next to you
So this is the whole story. The bastard has a live in mistress.
So what? Just remember not to go to pieces when that happens.
So, I have something to tell you.
So, see you in half an hour...
So, three?
So, we never know where we are until we hear our last name pronounced.
Something starts in your pelvis and goes to your heart,
Something very odd is going on.
Sorry to take so long, but Barbara... What is she doing here?
Sorry.
South Beach, Florida.
Speaking of *******. Barbara told her parents our last name is Coleman.
Spread some mustard on the toast.
Starina won't go on. She's a still in her robe.
Start dinner without me.
Stop flattering me. It's cheap.
Stop ladling! Give me the pot!
Stop screaming! I'm teaching you to act like a man.
Stunned and saddened by the circumstances surrounding
Sure, I'll take a message.
Sure? They can't find them.
Sweet and sour peasant soup. Why'd you say it was seafood chowder?
Swell.
Swing that by me again, little buddy.
Talk about "purple mountains majesty."
Talk about gays in the military!
Tannins?!
Tell me it's all right.
Tennessee...
Thank you and welcome to The Birdcage.
Thank you, Bridget.
Thank you, Mr. Boynton. I want to get back before he wakes up.
Thank you, my darling Agador.
Thank you, Rodrigo. And the usual.
Thank you, Vallie. You're a dear.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you. I know you do.
Thank you. I will remember that.
Thank you. So do you.
Thank you. Thank you, all. Dinner is served.
Thank you. That's better.
Thank you. That's so cool.
Thank you. We're very proud of him.
Thank you. You're a very sweet girl.
Thanks for this.
Thanks.
That big gorilla looked ridiculous when he sat on you
That idiot Jackson! Now the Blacks will start.
That sarcastic tone that implies you know everything because you're a man,
That they're dead.
That water is so cool.
That went well.
That when you see this stunning, smoldering creature,
That's a lot.
That's all I am to you a meal ticket.
That's all over now.
That's it.
That's just print news.
That's kind of a diplomatic post. It's a sort of an ambassador.
That's okay.
That's plenty of time.
That's ridiculous. The doctors are only doing their jobs.
That's right, I keep forgetting.
That's the side entrance to this building.
That's the spirit. Let's try walking.
That's the way we grew up, too.
That's very sweet.
That's what you want to do. Do it. Hit me.
That's why both houses are now Republican.
The "D" is silent in America.
The Colemans are a perfect family. They've never been divorced, have they?
The death of Senator Jackson, as well as the death itself.
The Dolphins, in the fourth on their 30 yard line with only 34 seconds to go.
The freak is leaving.
The hand goes sideways, not palm down. I'm shaking it, not kissing it.
The Kennedys are here for supper. Do we pick up their tab?
The Kirby? That's art!
The money you gave me started this place.
The most intelligent one on television.
The one in Los Copa is really shit.
The only solution is to go where nobody is ridiculous,
The prostitute's given name was Natumbundra...
The Reverend Al Sharpton said today that
The Senator has been besieged here, outside his palatial estate...
The son of a cultural attaché, a sort of a diplomat, really,
The truth is, you hate sharing your son with me. You're always pushing me away.
The way it was when I was a girl.
The wife doesn't want to see us and the father's a wreck.
The woman who is singing invented you.
Then give me half.
There are lovely trees, the sky is blue, there are birds.
There are no straight maids in South Beach.
There have been a lot of tasteless jokes going around
There you go.
There, we're partners.
There. I think that's a girl.
There. You see? It all worked out.
There's always a first time.
There's no man.
There's no point in my putting shoes on, sir.
There's one place I call home and it's because you're there.
There's the bar mitzvah.
These are my parents.
These conservatives don't care if you're a pig, just if you're a fag.
They can understand that, can't they? Thank goodness they're not snobs.
They can't blame us for this.
They have to. There's no story if they don't get him coming out.
They moved...
They put eggs in everything down there
They went in around the corner.
They'll be returned by the time you're back.
They're at their home in South Beach.
They're back for the winter.
They're *******.
They're not mentioning you much.
This boy what's his father's name?
This grew up around them while they were in Greece.
This has to wait until after the election.
This is a complex number, full of mythic themes.
This is for the in laws, right?
This is going to be great.
This is his specialty, seafood chowder.
This is insane. What do I do, close the club
This is less like Palm Beach than I imagined.
This is like a curse.
This is my mother.
This is not about you. The girl's parents are assholes.
This is not about you. The girl's parents are assholes.
This is so moving, I think I'm going to cry!
This is the lady who had Val.
This is too crazy.
This is unbearable.
This is Val Coleman.
This is very exciting.
This is what Clinton missed when he started in on school prayer
This is what I've always dreamed of:
This may not help, but I want you to know I meant every word I said
This room is so crowded. Can I have a moment to myself to prepare?
This should go to the network.
This woman introduced herself as Val's mother.
This woman is a lady. You know, she'll be your in law, too.
Those vultures.
Those? Well, one does want a hint of color.
Time for dessert. You get everything done?
Time passes so quickly.
Tired means old. "You look tired" means "you look old."
To Los Copa.
To some girl he met at school.
To the south, where it's warm...
Together we can do anything.
Too much ugliness, too much pain.
Too swishy?
Try Goldman. What was it?
Try not to gesture.
Turkish coffee. Delicious.
Val is crazy about you.
Val, I want you to know how...
Val, over here. And Barbara, dear, please sit.
Val, this is my father and my mother.
Val?
Very easy to imitate. And if anyone was a man... Now try it.
Very excited. He's raising his glass to toast us right now.
Very well.
Victoria Page is dead.
Victoria Page will not dance the Dance of the Red Shoes tonight.
Virginia has amazing foliage,
Wait till we meet them. What if they change their mind?
Wait until the media finds out!
Wait! There's shrimps.
Waiting for Senator Jackson's colleague, Senator Kevin Keeley.
Waiting for the Senator to appear.
Waiting to applaud you. To applaud the great Starina.
Wash those, will you? They're delivering the rest around noon.
We are in Enquirer heaven.
We can pass Albert off as an uncle if we have a woman as a mother.
We decided to drive down to see the seasons change.
We don't hate you.
We got authorization.
We have been through more chauffeurs in the last six months...
We have nice, fresh lobster this morning, Albert.
We have no choice. Yes.
We lied to you, Barbara and I. And everyone lied for us.
We never know what makes him laugh.
We should go to the emergency room.
We thought it would be better if you weren't here.
We thought...
We would go down to Virginia, to get away for a while.
We'll have dinner with them and stay with the Bushes.
We're gonna have to tone this down a little.
We're here at what they're calling Camp Keeley,
We're here at what they're calling Camp Keeley...
We're in the middle of a bunch of drag clubs. I don't know.
We're redoing the apartment for tomorrow night. Goddamn it.
We're still outside the home of Senator Kevin Keeley,
We're to start dinner without her.
We've been all through that, okay?
We've been robbed.
Well, don't just stand there. Give me a kiss!
Well, he looked kind of funny, but he was smiling, so I didn't worry.
Well, I... I don't want it.
Well, it makes me furious, the contempt he has for her.
Well, it's just charming.
Well, not tiny.
Well, she's only 18 and he's only 20, so I...
Well, that, for example.
Well, the jacket will cover it.
Well, this is impossible. Either I'm an artist
Well, we'll...
Well, yes. A very, very...
Well, you'd have to send him away.
Well...
Were moved... because...
What a beautiful chain.
What a lovely voice you have, Agador Spartacus.
What a pain in the ass you are.
What a pretty child.
What about a wedding? A big, white wedding.
What about me? I'm as pretty as these other guys.
What about the name in front of the club Goldman? That's close.
What about the rumors Senator Jackson was on lithium?
What about you? You're obviously not a cultural... whatever it is.
What about your announcing Barbara's wedding to the Coleman boy?
What an interesting room.
What are you doing here?
What beautiful flowers!
What did I do?
What did you do to him? He goes to a cemetery!
What difference does it make if I say you can stay or you say I can stay?
What do I do? Stand here like an object?
What do they have? It's their word against yours that you're even here.
What do you mean, married?
What do you mean?
What does it matter? Take it all.
What does the mother do?
What don't I know? Are you marrying some Nazi?
What interesting china!
What is it?
What is that?
What is this, sludge?
What Senator Jackson is trying to say is that
What the hell is that?
What things?
What wedding? Who's getting married?
What, death? It didn't work for Jackson.
What?
What?
What?
What?
What?
What?
What?
What?
What? You... you mean we just have soup?
What?!
What's in South Beach?
What's this?
What's wrong, Kevin?
What's wrong, Kevin?
Whatever I am, he made me.
Whatever your name is, I hope this doesn't influence your vote.
When did you buy this one?
When I started Edison Park, remember what you said?
When Senator Keeley and I founded the Coalition for Moral Order,
When you have talent.
Whenever I saw an ad for The Birdcage. Are you still with Albert?
Where am I going?
Where are my glasses? It is Greek.
Where are the couple celebrating their anniversary?
Where are you going, Senator?
Where are you going?
Where are you staying in Florida?
Where are you? Albert, come on!
Where could the wife be?
Where did all this hair come from? Wasn't your chest smooth?
Where do you go while I'm killing myself on stage? I know that look.
Where does the young man come from, Barbie... ra? Who is his father?
Where everyone is equal.
Where I can be thrown out on a whim without legal rights.
Where it becomes heart/pelvis.
Where will I get a uniform?
Where you driving him?
Where you driving him?
Where? To our farm. That's all I'm going to say at this time.
Where'd we get this?
Where's Dad?
Where's the candy?
Which one is the mother?
White wine.
Who cares? This won't work.
Who doesn't look down on us because of Senator Jackson,
Who doesn't look down on us because of Senator Jackson,
Who is this boy, Barbie? When did you last see him?
Who will we say he is?
Who? Where's your little chippie?
Who's Kevin Keeley?
Why are you being a prick?
Why didn't you tell me?
Why don't I drop you off at a café?
Why don't you let me be in the show?
Why don't you set up there? Figure you'll get part of the house and me...
Why don't you tell me Val was coming, you bad man?
Why not? It would restore your image.
Why not?! My arm!
Why should she care about John Major?
Why? Because he told me his heart was breaking
Why? I'm dressed just the way you are.
Will they keep waiting?
Will you excuse me?
Will you excuse me? I should tell Agador Spartacus this news.
Will you look at this shirt? It's a rag!
Will you put some clothes on?
Will you stop screaming? It's Val.
Willingly joining our family. It'd mean the cover of People, Time and Newsweek.
Wish we could get Ted. Give them free coffee.
With guests Yassir Arafat and Kate Moss.
With one... tiny difference.
With Senator Eli Jackson.
With the Jeb Bushes, on Fisher Island.
With the parking brake on. I had to take the bus.
Wonderful. This way, Senator. You know, I played Eliza in high school.
Would you excuse us?
Wrong response?
Yeah, but... now is the time to pretend.
Yeah, we got a good spot. I don't know if he's going to... Excuse me.
Yeah.
Yeah. She's stuck.
Yes, but at some point, I'll have to leave.
Yes, I wear foundation. Yes, I live with a man.
Yes, I'm a middle aged fag.
Yes, it does sound... funny.
Yes, it's glorious, isn't it?
Yes, please. And remember to write "To my Piglet, from his Auntie" on it.
Yes, she's coming.
Yes, we're still together.
Yes, what an ugly story.
Yes.
Yes.
Yes. I just told them.
Yes. I thought it would make a nice change from coffee.
Yes. Thank you.
Yes. Well, you know the old saying. "Where there's sand..."
Yes. Won't you come in?
Yes... now...
Yet absurd conclusion.
You and Katharine were probably laughing at me, too.
You are her fantasy. Suddenly,
You are the most gracious hostess.
You better come downstairs. She's trying to take his gum away.
You both hate me.
You came to meet the parents of the boy that Barbara wants to marry.
You can cook, right?
You can't be serious!
You can't call her back. She's in the car.
You cannot be held responsible for Senator Jackson's private life.
You could have fallen.
You didn't have this kind of sympathy for poor Bessie Jackson!
You do that, I'm gonna tell him you're seeing someone while he's on stage.
You do this, you're on your own. Got that, sport?
You do.
You don't love me anymore.
You got it.
You have a beautiful voice.
You have a very forceful handshake.
You have the whole series.
You have to in Greece.
You keep getting better looking.
You know how she died?
You know what he'll do if Katharine comes?
You know, change your mannerisms a little.
You know, you could use some more sun. Take a few days off. You look tired.
You like it? I traded that stupid moose for it.
You look awful. What's wrong?
You look great.
You look like Lucy's stunt double.
You must be Barbara.
You must be Senator and Mrs. Keeley.
You must have heard about how Senator Jackson died.
You own half of my life and I own half of yours.
You saw this boy at two o'clock today and now he's in Greece with his parents?
You say to yourself, "Albert, you pierced the toast. So what?"
You should have gotten stock for it.
You take it easy, pilgrim.
You take your knife...
You understand that, don't you?
You want one of these?
You want the cake delivered?
You want to get married, but how many lives must you ruin to do it?
You were a baby, and she was a small minded idiot.
You were magnificent, marvelous, very masculine.
You were so terrified. It was so sweet.
You, the fantasy, see her, your inventor, and she becomes your fantasy.
You'll have to get a uniform and dress like a butler.
You're a great performer, I'm a great director.
You're going to the cemetery with your toothbrush. How Egyptian.
You're in incredible shape. And you still can dance.
You're joking! I always thought that was someone's television set.
You're lying again. This is too much for me.
You're overreacting. Don't be such a baby. Just sit down on...
You're right.
You're right. I'm afraid of your heat.
You're right. Wouldn't that be something?
You're safe.
You're so sweet.
You're such a beast to everybody.
You're the biggest babies. They can run the world,
You're the cultural attaché to Greece and Albert is a housewife.
You're the one who pushed for the marriage. Barbara can handle that boy.
You've done a good job.
You've done well.
You've heard.
You've never been to a museum and you eat like a pig.
You've never said a word.
Your campaign manager is calling. He says he's got to talk to you.
Your father seems to think so.
Your uncle.
Your what?
20 dollars in those days.
♪ Love is in the air ♪ Round and about
♪ Maidens watch out ♪ Fair warning
20. 20?
A Dio. I see.
Agador! Spartacus!
Albert. I hear you.
An egg. Why, yes, it is. It is a huevo.
And my wigs. Which wigs?
Another shot for you? I don't really drink.
Are they from Boston? I don't think so.
Ay, Dio. It'll be hard.
Beer, if you have it. I do not. Talk about bloat.
But you must have meant something. I meant you looked tired.
Careful, it's silk. Let me touch that chest.
Cyril, go. Please.
Daddy, I'm sorry. I know.
Damn straight. Damn straight!
Dance? Not you. Barbara.
Did you eat? Yes.
Did you know the girl? Where is the farm?
Do it! No! No!
Don't use that tone to me. What tone?
Good morning. Not yet.
Greece. Miami U.
Guatemalan. New.
He bumped into me. Tough gazongas.
He's leaving his home. Senator Keeley!
Here you go. Thank you, dear.
How do we know? 'Cause she hasn't seen me in 20 years.
How long did we last? I know exactly.
How long has Albert been on? He just went on.
I can't do this. We can do this! Work with me.
I can't move any faster. Lean on me.
I can't stand this. Forget about my feelings.
I do not! You always do!
I don't get it. Try more gum.
I have one! Mine, too! Oh, look.
I hurt my thing. Your what?
I just said that. Now I'm saying it.
I need to talk to you. Sit.
I need your help. Not for this.
I see. It's just for tonight.
I think homosexuality... A lot more ice for you!
I want nothing to do with it. Okay.
I, for one, would like an autopsy. Mom...
I'll bring down some ice. No, no!
I'll buy you sandals. Armand! What's going on?
I'll get the door. No, you're in the wrong house!
I'm calling 911! Agador, abre la puerta!
I'm only going to the bathroom. We'll all go.
I'm terribly sorry. Take it easy.
I've never really seen you before. What do you mean?
If that's how you feel. I do.
Is Albert here? No.
Is that all? Don't talk... too much.
Isn't that an egg? What?
It is, fella. Right on, amigo!
It's important. Quiet. He's rehearsing.
It's nothing! It is something.
Morning, Albert. Good morning.
My daughter, Barbara. Delighted.
My father. How do you do?
My hands are shaking. That's okay.
My husband. Extremely honored.
No, I want Mother Coleman to show me. My dear child!
No. See? We're on our way to salvation.
Oh, Kevin! Yes, and so have I.
Oh, please. It's true.
Open it, Albert! Go away!
Open the door! I'm trying, but he's so crazy.
Open up, Albert, baby. Get out!
Pop? Yes? Coming!
Pull yourself together! Why?
Really? Not bad.
Rodney, Bruno, Chuck... Look! You all need more ice.
So, where are they? They went around the corner there.
Ted? No. Just the younger ones.
That explains it. At last.
That's the Lincoln. Park here. The street's jammed.
They're my mother's. Sit down!
Wait. Who is he?
Waiter! Water. Right away.
Was that? Yes.
Watch yourself, young lady! Here they come.
What a brilliant idea. I know.
What are you saying? Just be a little less obvious.
What are you taking? Nothing.
What did he do? He blew a bubble.
What do you do while I'm on stage? Nothing. I lie here.
What do you mean? He was obviously framed.
What is this? Supplements.
What the hell is that? I don't know. I made it up!
When? Tomorrow.
Where's the bathroom? I'll show you.
Who? Mrs. Coleman.
Why can't we go home? Nothing. Nothing.
You called my bluff. It was good.
You can't serve out of that! Move!
You didn't tell him. What? Tell me what?
You said his parents were in Greece. They are.
You think I look good? You look great.
You'll pull a thread. Your beautiful, hairy chest.
You're coming with us. Daddy, please.
You're not a woman. Oh, you bastard!
You're soaking! I'm sweating like some farm animal.
You're the director. Thank you.
You've done it before. Lied about who I am? Never.
'Cause you give me so little time to shop.
"...but he was smiling, so I didn't worry."
"Albert, you pierced the toast. So what?"
"He looked kind of funny..."
"I'll try it once and see what those straight guys are raving about."
"Katharine, do not go upstairs. I'll call you tomorrow. Armand."
"that way you'll have the best of Florida."
"You look rested" means you had collagen.
♪ 'Cause love is around ♪
♪ Act queerly...
♪ All night ♪
♪ All of the people around us they say
♪ And done a thousand things
♪ And I the dreamer
♪ And we fly just like birds of a feather
♪ Are you a dreamer, too?
♪ Before you're gone
♪ Better treat me right
♪ Come, little dream and play
♪ Different kinds
♪ Don't be afraid
♪ Each night anew
♪ Everyone can see we're together
♪ Get up, everybody, and sing
♪ Get up, everybody, and sing
♪ Get up, everybody, and sing
♪ Get up, everybody, and sing
♪ Get up, everybody, and sing
♪ I could have danced all night
♪ I got all my sisters with me
♪ I got all my sisters with me
♪ I got all my sisters with me
♪ I got all my sisters with me
♪ I got all my sisters with me
♪ I knew this grocery clerk
♪ I only know
♪ I won't tell no lie
♪ I work hard for the money so you better treat me right
♪ I've never done before...
♪ If you start to feel a tingle and you like remaining single
♪ La virgen lloraba
♪ La virgen lloraba ♪
♪ Let's get it on
♪ Love is going around ♪
♪ More than a dream?
♪ Out of their minds
♪ Quick, little dream
♪ Quite clearly, people everywhere
♪ She works hard for the money
♪ So hard for it, honey
♪ So real to me?
♪ Some think the boy's a jerk...
♪ Stay home Don't take a breath
♪ Stay... That's your part.
♪ Tell me, my dream
♪ That's right ♪
♪ This morning, bachelors beware
♪ To me?
♪ Virgins are distinctly nervous...
♪ We are family
♪ We are family
♪ We are family
♪ We are family
♪ We are family
♪ We are family
♪ We are family
♪ We are family
♪ We are family
♪ We are family
♪ We are family
♪ We are family...
♪ We're giving love in a family dose
♪ What if this dream turns out to be
♪ When he began to dance with me
♪ Why does it seem so real
♪ You could catch your death
♪ You...