Zack and Miri Make a Porno (2008) Edit

A business decision.

A world of possibilities where plain old people just like us

A, I don't appreciate you violating the sanctity of my Amazon Wish List page,

About how we wouldn't let sex change us, but it did. It changed me.

Acting and directing at the same time. It's a lot to process, you know.

Action.

Action.

Actually, you know what? Sorry, I don't think we should show them.

After I give you the best orgasm you've ever had.

After the first year. But look at him now, chatty as fuck.

Again, amazing first night, everybody. Thank you so much.

Ah, tempting. Again, no.

Ain't that some shit?

All I keep thinking is we should've done a trial run

All male casts. Like Glengarry Glen Ross? Like that?

All right, don't forget I'm down here. Watch that pullout, huh?

All right, grab my arm. I'm grabbing my dick, you're grabbing my arm.

All right, one hour tops, then we're gone.

All right, settle.

All right, so we got Lester and Stacey fucking.

All right, that's enough. Look, you've drunk too much.

All right, you grab your dick,

All right, you want me to work on Moolie Monday too?

All the quarters are on the ground.

Although he does most of the eating in the sack. In the sack and of the sack.

Anal and hugging.

And according to Miri, brothers and sisters can't fuck.

And act like I'm a stud who knows what he's doing, okay? Just be a pal.

And action.

And B, I'm not buying that thing from Amazon,

And Barry and Bubbles didn't know each other

And before you go, don't forget your copy of The Roving Roe Ver.

And by containing myself, do you mean containing myself in a closet?

And caught you fucking?

And chipped away at your mountain of debt.

And Drop Their Hairy Nuts in His Eager Mouth.

And have ourselves a real high school reunion?

And he has a jet and a fucking island.

And her movie just sucked cock, period.

And Houls dared you to give yourself head,

And how I was too much of a fucking pussy

And I know... I know that that's only because of all the stupid shit we said

And I sprawl out on my sheets and I listen to Sting.

And I think...

And I will be patient with you. I will be there on your journey.

And I would rather die than be without you, Miriam Linky.

And I'll be sure to add you to our 800 member strong mailing list.

And I'm on the Internet wearing a diaper?

And I'm pretty sure she's legally retarded.

And just so you know, I can't go back to being just friends anymore,

And Mistress Bubbles did a bachelor party tonight

And never gave a shit how I felt about it.

And nobody wants to fuck me.

And not what was coming out of us necessarily.

And pretend that I don't love it when you shove your dick in my mouth.

And remember, we're not just the presidents

And Revenge of the Shit: The All Anal Final Chapter.

And settle for one unflattering angle,

And she has been the queen of my world ever since.

And showed us something we didn't know existed.

And since the mall is just up the street, I would like you to come out and work.

And sleep with you to, uh, get back at you,

And Stacey over here is gonna play Darth Vibrator.

And Stacey was just a lap dancer

And still have instant recognition with our audience.

And the award winning Star Whores saga,

And then this boring bullshit.

And then we're changed forever.

And this fool here, hell, I don't even know what he was.

And this week's will barely cover the past two water bills, so...

And we all watched you try for, like, an hour.

And we will always just be just friends, so...

And your ass.

Anyway, you pick up the poop and you've got yourself a movie studio.

Are you fucking with me?

Are you Granny Panties?

Are you guys still open?

Are you guys sure you don't wanna do some, uh, butt sack work too?

Are you kidding? That party we went to where you got blasted,

Are you staying in town for a while or...?

Are you still talking to me?

Are you sure?

As a director, please. What about the anxiety I'm feeling as an actress?

As an actor, I've sometimes brought my work home with me inappropriately.

As not just a come dumpster,

As of last night, I was having sex with Zack.

As simple as filming people fucking?

At 9 at night? How does that work?

At a blowjob contest that I was judging, and it would still be retarded.

At home last week or something.

At least it was for Barry.

At which yours truly was a guest star, thank you very much.

Awesome. God, you guys have so much to catch up on. Whoo.

Baby, please take our picture. I get a picture with Granny Panties.

Back in the day, our hairstyle, oh...

Banged with your mouth and then never talked to again?

Be careful, Miri. Okay, there we go. Just keep rolling, keep rolling.

Beat it, we're talking.

Because he shoots and distributes his own porno flicks.

Because I fucking hate this game playing shit.

Because I live here now, and I like to be naked.

Because I love you, and I have for as long as I can remember.

Because I missed you so much.

Because I paid off the bills.

Because I would love to fucking eat her ass and fuck her silly in the movie.

Because I'm in the mood to fuck.

Because it turns out I don't have a credit card they take.

Because other people have options and dignity, which we do not have,

Because she's famous. Hello.

Because that night after I left, you didn't fuck Lester.

Because that'd be really sad for Stacey.

Because you're about to fuck Lester to spite me, it seems like.

Before you're camera ready.

Besides, man, I've known her since the first grade.

Beyond the people we went to school with.

Biggest sales day of the year. I'm getting a flat screen TV, believe that.

Bobby fucking Long? No way. Didn't that guy call you Stinky Linky?

Brandon.

But a sign of his beauty, his flower.

But don't take his word for it. Just ask our co founders.

But I always wish I had, and that's what porno is. It's fantasy.

But I should have asked first, I look like a fucking beluga whale.

But I was talking about September's. Tell me this doesn't rock.

But I'm a little nervous. I was thinking about trying to get with him tonight.

But if you're not fucking Miri, why is your dick out right now?

But it's a little something I picked up doing bachelor parties.

But luckily, your parents are dead. Sorry. My grandparents are dead.

But the droids do, I CUP and R2 T Bag.

But these are the exact circumstances people find themselves in

But they could have it in the middle of the summer

But this is just the beginning, guys. If Star Whores works, and it will,

But you did.

But you just came out of her room.

But you know what? That probably means she loves you.

But you said, that this wasn't a literal translation,

But you, you mean more to me than that,

By being a terrible, untrustworthy employee, that's how.

Call now to set up your appointment

Can I get a beer, please?

Can I get two beers, please? You want a beer?

Can I talk to you for a minute in the back?

Can we get a little love for Zack and Miri?

Can you believe that Gandhi motherfucker, telling me I gotta work on Black Friday?

Can you help me pick out an outfit for tonight?

Can't you see we talking, white?

Check out the flick, you tell me what's missing.

Close the door if you're gonna take a shit.

Clothes on his ****a baby backs, and he ain't gonna say shit.

Cock shots.

Come back to humble Monroeville to my crib for a couple hours,

Come on, are you guys playing or what?

Come on, come on, come on.

Come on, hurry. Come on, come on, come on.

Come on, I don't wanna be late for work.

Come shot, credits. There's your fucking ending.

Comics? Like Ziggy?

Could do something special.

Cradle the balls. Work the shaft.

Cue effects.

Cue music.

Cut.

Definitely not prettier, but around the same.

Delaney, my friend, you are On Ur Knees Bend Over.

Delaney, you're a slick cupid motherfucker.

Did I do that?

Did you fuck Stacey to spite me? No.

Did you fuck Stacey to spite me? No.

Did you see Lost this week, man? I missed it. What happened?

Didn't you used to videotape the varsity basketball games in high school?

Didn't you used to work at the Bean N Gone in Monroeville?

Do you believe this shit?

Do you have one of the large blown up pictures of your younger self

Do you need a drink? Because I need a drink to say this.

Do you?

Don't do that. The little dog don't like that.

Don't forget to smack it when you turn it on,

Don't get too excited. We didn't pay off your whole bill. Just a month of each.

Don't look.

Don't worry, we weren't in the same class or anything.

Dream on, pal, it's never gonna happen, okay?

Dude, I don't one night mouth fuck anybody that I pick up in bars.

Dude, that's really dirty.

Dude. Some light petting.

Enjoy.

Enrique? Park?

Even if it's something as simple as filming people fucking.

Even though she's spending all of it.

Even though we're broke and we've never amounted to anything,

Every woman has a pair of those period panties. That's, like, a fact.

Everything. Scratch your balls, take a shit, everything, I tell you, okay?

Everything. Scratch your balls, take a shit, everything, I tell you, okay?

Ew.

Excuse me.

Excuse me. In my producorial capacity,

Fair for everyone else who is fucking more than one person,

Fair for...? I don't... What? Fair for who?

Finding the people to be in the movie.

First, you'll meet for a consultation with one of our romance ologists,

Fleshlight maxed out my $200 limit. Not a wise purchase, I'll give you that.

Flirting up a storm with that cheerleader nimrod Monica Von.

For discretionary jacking off.

For everything.

For my penis.

For the first time, I thought my balls didn't have enough hair on them.

From their break out hit, Swallow My Cockuccino,

Fuck you, I have dignity.

Fuck you. I'm not even letting you see my ass.

Fuck you. Ziggy is a comic, right next to Family Circus.

Fuck, yes, I do. You know how many stories I have from working here?

Fuck, yes.

Fuckback Mountain?

Fucking deep in asses.

Fucking garbage can like a couple of steno bums.

Fucking guys. This fucking team, man. They fucking suck.

Fucking movies. Pretty much.

Fucking Roethlisberger, the quarterback, was all fucking,

Fun. You fucking douche.

Get up, Zack.

Give me today, I'll bang out a script. Meet me back here after closing.

Go, go, go.

Good. I'm getting tired of fucking the Fleshlight.

Granny Panties?

Granny panties.

Greetings.

Guys, honestly, I don't know what to say.

Guys, read amongst yourselves, okay? Can I talk to you for a sec?

Guys, this isn't a literal adaptation here.

Guys, this isn't a literal adaptation here.

Guys, we're not wrapped. We still have four days of shooting left.

Happy?

Have you heard the good news about our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ?

Have you seen my dick? You've never seen my dick.

Have you seen that big blowup picture they have of me?

Have you seen that Joe Francis guy who made Girls Gone Wild?

He gotta work on Black Friday. You got any idea how racist that sounds?

He's not living out loud, so he gets all like, ooh.

Help me get this shit out of my hair. Just use the water out of the toilet.

Here at Zack and Miri Make Your Porno, we're dedicated

Here, I'll lean back and you can just, you know, pour it down like... Like that.

Here, let me show you.

Hey, honey.

Hey, I bought skates with last week's paycheck

Hey, I sat next to that guy in Civics. Look at his fucking dick.

Hey, stranger.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey. So where are we shooting this? Over here?

Hi, my name's Delaney and I'm a producer.

Hold up, hold up. So who's all having sex with who in this movie?

Hold up. You wanna shoot a dirty movie here, where we work?

Holy bejesus. You do not use my Jergens to jack it in our bathroom.

Holy fuck, thank you. You're an all right enough looking girl.

Holy fuck.

Holy fuck. You mean, after you're done with your shift?

Holy shit, this just got real.

Holy shit. Are we really gonna shoot this in outer space?

Holy shit. I get it. I fucking get it.

Hoping to seduce you and bring you back to my apartment

How come you get to fuck something with a motor in it?

How could we have done that?

How did this happen? I burned the bills.

How did you get a camera?

How did you manage that?

How many guys have you met in a bar, taken home,

How many times I've been laid right there after hours?

How you feeling about it?

How? Okay, I'm broke, man.

Hug it, chug it, football. All night. Heh heh.

Hump me, On Ur Knees Bend Over. You're my only hump.

I actually don't. Where's the clitoris? Is it in your ass?

I am totally buying this shit.

I apologize in advance if I am out of line here,

I asked her to fuck me. She wouldn't do it.

I came with somebody who went to school here.

I can get a boner really quick and it sticks straight up.

I can have a porn name?

I can't believe this. I was delivering cream, and look what's happening.

I can't wear anything that I already own and expect to bring home Bobby Long.

I didn't know that. Shit, he's a director.

I don't care that you're fucking Lester, okay? How's that?

I don't do ass stuff.

I don't fucking care if you fuck him. Fuck. I don't give a shit.

I don't know if I'd call it a special talent,

I don't know what the fuck I was thinking.

I don't know. You guys just looked kind of intimate last night.

I don't mean to alarm you

I don't mind. Especially if you spill it on my face.

I don't smell anything.

I don't think I've ever met the ambitious Zack Brown before.

I don't think I've seen your face since senior year.

I don't wanna get even.

I don't want you getting all mushy and gooey on me

I even tried to talk her into giving me the fucking Dutch rudder.

I feel like...

I fuck a lot. That's what I meant to say. That doesn't sound good either. Wow.

I gave her a good deal on yarn,

I got an advance already. It went into all the costumes.

I guess it's not like it'd be creepy,

I guess we can lose Star Sex 3: The Search for Cock, then.

I guess, um...

I guess...

I hate both of you ebony and ivory motherfuckers, I tell you.

I have a question, do Princess Lay Her and Lubed Sky Baller have sex?

I have to get another job to pay Delaney back.

I just wanna do my part for the movie like everyone else.

I just wanna keep shooting people boning all day.

I kind of dropped the ball on that, I guess, huh?

I knew it. Here, help.

I know that because I'm not a fucking idiot.

I know what you meant.

I know you felt something big, something real the other night

I know. She... We're not gonna do that. I don't think Miri's gonna...

I know. Thank you for reminding me.

I like that guy but if he tries to fuck that little dog tonight for real,

I liked that.

I love the movies.

I love you.

I mean a girl friend, jeez.

I mean during my shift.

I mean, I'll be waxing your ass.

I mean, I'm a total loser in every single other aspect of my life.

I mean, it's really amazing. Thank you.

I mean, look at us. It's Thanksgiving and we're huddled around a flaming

I mean, not... We won't be fucking, there'll be fucking in the movie.

I mean, ten years ago, Pittsburgh, who knew anything about fashion?

I mean, this could give us a chance to pay off our debt, pay our bills,

I mean, what does paintball got to do with hockey?

I mean, you look beautiful. You always look so beautiful,

I mean, you're a nice enough looking guy and everything...

I met a guy at DreamWorks. Yeah.

I need cock and I need it now.

I need coffee so I'm drive home.

I never slept with Stacey that night, okay? I swear to God.

I really don't know what it means. I'm gonna be honest, this is my first time.

I robot.

I spilled my cream. Do you mind?

I think I burned my ball hair off.

I think I made a mistake.

I think I'll be going now.

I think it looks good on you.

I think someone should acknowledge how insane and amazing this is

I think that you feel the same way.

I think we should probably wait just until I lose another 20 or 30 pounds.

I thought they were gonna be fucking hard.

I thought they were gonna be fucking hard.

I thought we were just gonna go to sit around and make fun of everybody.

I thought you made that whole thing up.

I thought you said this was boys on girls.

I told her that it was okay to ask you.

I understand it's kind of hard getting wet when everyone's watching.

I use ex lax, but good to know.

I want to eat your brain

I want to slam my ham in your can, woman. Scene.

I want you to come.

I was literally just watching you, like, right before we got here.

I will be Hung So low.

I will be your Sherpa up the mountain of gayness.

I will.

I work out.

I would not eat food that you gave me, that's true.

I would tell you to go fuck yourself right now

I'd be like, Why aren't we watching that right now?

I'd like a double espresso so I can stay up all night

I'd watch that guy Brandon suck a cock, I just met him.

I'll know everything you do when I'm gone.

I'll tell you what just happened in there.

I'll tell you what, you do that, you don't owe me shit no more.

I'm a delivery man and I have some cream for you.

I'm acting weird? I think you're acting weird right now.

I'm calling the Humane Society.

I'm disturbed at how turned on I am by this.

I'm embarrassing him. I love when he's embarrassed.

I'm fucking you in the puss.

I'm fucking you in the puss.

I'm gonna be Oprah rich. Y'all can kiss my ass.

I'm gonna binge drink now until I pass out.

I'm gonna fuck you with my pecker.

I'm gonna hatefuck the shit out of you, ref.

I'm gonna kill that lying old fuck.

I'm here for the same reason you're here. To make the movie.

I'm just gonna get fucking alcohol poisoning.

I'm just gonna take a minute, okay?

I'm shutting the movie down for a night so we can get a little silly.

I'm sorry I dragged you into this, man.

I'm sorry. Pittsburgh. Listen up, Monroe vers.

I'm stuck to a bottle of Jergens in the bathroom.

I'm thinner, though, right? A little?

I'm touching my own dick. You're working it, and I'm loving it.

I'm working till 6.

I've been looking at the same busted titties for the past almost 20 years.

I've been waiting for it all day.

I've never met a man who can make me come like a vibrator does.

I've seen your ass and the rest of you naked around a billion times already.

If anyone's gotta keep this in perspective, it's you, okay?

If anything.

If I have to fuck a guy, okay, but I'd rather fuck a girl.

If I have to fuck a guy, okay, but I'd rather fuck a girl.

If it was, how do you think you did?

If it's so easy, how come everybody doesn't do it?

If this is what you need, then fine. Here it is, I'm gonna say it.

If we talk about what happened last night.

If you ask me nicely, I will Dutch rudder you the rest of our lives.

If you don't get an advance,

If you heard that someone we graduated with

If you start fucking machines, I'm moving out.

If you were any other bitch I didn't give a rat's ass about,

If you're gonna continue to emasculate me

In a closet of denial? Is that...? No, no, no.

In L.A., we call that look Nickelodeon chic.

In our movie, Darth Vibrator is a bad girl

In this godforsaken town, I could be myself. I'm so sorry.

In this movie all of a sudden,

Including Revenge of the Shit: The All Anal Final Chapter,

Is that enough of a scene? I could start doing worse than that.

Is that Zack? Or am I Zack? Whoa, ho, ho.

It became a, uh, gorgeous orchid.

It feels good, sir. Try me, come on.

It has to be love

It helped me see his asshole

It is a sign that the romance is dead, I think.

It just... You know, it makes it even easier to just... To just say this.

It looked like shit going into other shit, in focus.

It makes a big difference in life. But you live and learn, though, right?

It sucks. You stop appreciating each other and run out of shit to talk about

It totally loosens you up.

It was a test. That whole thing was a fucking test, is that it?

It was always, like, a spoof of a popular movie, you know?

It was awesome. I think the cast and crew had a good time.

It was, um, weird.

It wasn't just me, though, guys. Give it up for my radiant costar here, Miri.

It wasn't just me, though, guys. Give it up for my radiant costar here, Miri.

It would probably be easier if I just showed you.

It'd be weird and wrong, you know, like fucking my brother.

It's a fucking pocket pussy that is shaped like a flashlight

It's a fucking porno movie, man. What story?

It's a living. You've been getting the checks I've been sending?

It's a movie, dog, and a movie's gotta have an ending,

It's called Bean N Gone, so get the fuck out of here. Hey, Barry.

It's Cocoon with a cunt.

It's for a purpose. It's for getting rich. Only my dick and your pussy

It's had 200,000 views in three hours. Honey, you are, like...

It's helped us out, it's helped our friends.

It's incredible.

It's just because I've been constipated all day.

It's just through this hallway.

It's like Coca Cola or Pepsi with dicks in it. Look at Paris Hilton.

It's like jerking off together but not gay.

It's like someone else is jerking you off.

It's more of an erotic re imagining.

It's my job as the producer to see what you got.

It's no problem to work with Lester again. He has a nice cock.

It's not funny.

It's okay. You know, honestly, I don't think I could sleep.

It's puss as in pussy.

It's so Miri, is what it is. I'm Zack, by the way.

It's taking the normal and making it abnormal by fucking it.

It's the biggest mall shopping day of the year.

It's time I go back to my regular life

It's tucked under them. It's stuck under them.

Jerk my come crayon and let me color you white.

Julia Roberts followed Pretty Woman with Sleeping With the Enemy.

Just get on with it already.

Just hoping one day we'd be in such dire financial straits

Just jump through it. I ain't got all night. The bitch is on me.

Just so you know, there will be some fucking.

Just the away games. I did it because I was trying to fuck a cheerleader.

Just tonight. I fly back to L.A. tomorrow.

Just you.

Just, you know, make sure you kind of whoop it up

Keep going.

Kind of like The Wiz or like a parody. With lots of anal.

L.A., wow, Los Angeles. Gosh, Bobby Long, coming up in the world.

Less than 12 hours and we make Monroeville history.

Lester The Molester Cockinshtuff.

Let us fuck.

Let us fuck.

Let us fuck.

Let us fuck. [ R ]

Let's just promise that it's not gonna change anything between us, okay?

Let's just say, thank you to Zack and Miri.

Let's move out, start lighting the next scene.

Like Glen and Gary Suck Ross' Meaty Cock

Like I said, I got a wife. She don't play that shit.

Like if we got way too drunk one night and accidentally fucked, you know?

Like it was yesterday, man. Awesome. Awesome.

Like we...

Like you said, you know, you've fucked bigger idiots than Lester.

Like, I can look at a titty, make sure there ain't no moles on there?

Like, um, Edward Penishands.

Listen, I have some extra lube from last night.

Literally, and it's up to Lubed and Hung to stop her with their cocks.

Little less tongue.

Look at all this production value, waiting to have balls on it.

Look at the size of those fucking panties.

Look at you. What...? Anything I've seen? What movies?

Look, don't fucking pretend that the other night, you and me, right there,

Look, Miri,

Look, that's why I came down here. I need you to come take a look at it.

Look, there's got to be a less extreme solution to our financial woes here.

Look, this doesn't mean anything. We're just doing this for cash.

Looking to put a little spice in their sex life.

Luxury Homesteads bought this place a month ago.

Make sure you leave your costume so we know they're here for tomorrow.

Making cappuccinos for this fucking guy.

Man, he's gonna be balling dudes?

Man, I can't be in no porno. My wife will kill me.

Maybe I was thinking about your feelings.

Maybe not bigger idiots.

Maybe now he can save me a fortune in Amazon bills.

Maybe the harelip makes it sound like baseball.

Maybe you can fuck our landlord

Me too.

Miri came out of the backroom and said she couldn't do it.

Miri.

Miri's last name is Linky?

Miriam Linky, will you have sex with me on camera for money?

Mmm. This is some damn good coffee.

More erotic and with less women.

Mostly, everybody, thank you so much for helping us get ready, you know.

Mr. Delaney, can you work for me tomorrow?

My friend's making an ass of herself hitting on her high school crush.

My God, who even knew Amazon sold shit like this?

My hair is terrible. I can't believe I even wore my hair like that.

My name is Brandon St. Randy, and I love Bobby Long.

My name's Granny Panties,

My nut sack in your coffees, so how did that taste, fucker?

My tits are bigger than yours. I don't wanna show that.

My underwear and your ass are famous, we're not.

Never mind what my wife's gonna do when there ain't no new snow tires,

****a Rich Productions. Classy.

No fucking shit. John Butterfield? You actually married John Butterfield?

No one wants me around their food. Would you eat food that I gave you?

No power. You wanna pay our electric bill?

No shit. That's who my friend's hitting on right now. See right there?

No women, to be exact.

No, how about instead, you get a friend?

No, I'm a guy. Give me two Popsicle sticks and a rubber band,

No, like Spider Man and shit, you know?

No, make that, I was broke. Now I am really tapped out.

No, no, no. With your cut of the profits, you're gonna get two flat screens.

No, no. It was very real.

No, no. It's not a biggie. What? No.

No, not you, Lester. Put it back in.

No, that is a fucking awesome idea. Are you shitting me? That's a rad idea.

No, the night before Thanksgiving? Who does that?

No, they're fucking with each other.

No, you gotta stop it right now.

No, you're right, I should just butch up

No.

No.

No. Not at all. We're probably not even as good as most of them,

No. Really, thank you.

No. We close at 9.

No. We'd be going in with the understanding that it's...

Not really.

Nothing, I guess.

Nothing's whiter than my big gay ass...

Now I can't get my flat screen? Fuck that.

Now she's selling fragrances to tweens.

Now that this guy's not around anymore, huh?

Now work it. Work my arm. See that shit? Work it up and down.

Now, I wonder why she did that.

Of Zack and Miri Make Your Porno.

Oh, all sorts of movies with all male casts.

Oh, because he's the worst photographer. Okay, good.

Oh, but if I start making weird faces or anything during the scene,

Oh, don't nobody want them saggy ass balls!

Oh, dude, I am gonna Meryl Streep the fuck out of this tomorrow, you watch.

Oh, fuck it, chuck it, football. Oh, yeah.

Oh, fuck.

Oh, God, I just wanna eat him up, yum, yum.

Oh, God, that's so sad.

Oh, God, this is good.

Oh, God.

Oh, God.

Oh, God. Come on.

Oh, God. We really do know too much about each other.

Oh, God. Zack could never have that effect on me in a million years.

Oh, holy shit.

Oh, I entered gay and ass, and it was the top hit.

Oh, I suppose you weren't gonna ask about your movie, neither?

Oh, I'm acting... How exactly am I acting weird?

Oh, in my world, nobody calls me the other Zack,

Oh, Jesus Christ.

Oh, Jesus.

Oh, Jesus. Oh, Jesus.

Oh, like crazy.

Oh, like you know what you're doing down there at all.

Oh, man, I can't believe you gotta work now.

Oh, my God, I'm so glad I'm not a guy. How about this?

Oh, my God, they totally saved our civil union.

Oh, my God.

Oh, no, no one ever called me that.

Oh, okay.

Oh, shit, uh. We don't have to shoot the scene tonight.

Oh, shit.

Oh, that was good.

Oh, the beans hurt. Easy.

Oh, what in the fuck is that supposed to mean?

Oh, wow, like you've never done that before.

Oh, wow.

Oh, yeah, like that.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. Thanks by the way, for fucking letting me do that. Thank you.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, like that.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh. You're not getting all gooey on me here, are you, Zack?

Okay, just, like, for your own personal information,

Okay, just, uh, go to the next scene, would you?

Okay, open up to camera, guys. Let us see it.

Okay, pal, here you go. On the house.

Okay, seriously, we're just talking about sex, okay?

Okay, so we need a mildly clever, vaguely dirty title,

Okay, that's a wrap, everybody, yeah.

Okay, that's enough, I think.

Okay, uh. Did I do something wrong to you?

Okay, uh. I'll just be out there.

Okay, well, so, uh, do you have any special skills?

Okay, when we come back tonight,

Okay, yeah, uh.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay. Families.

Okay. Families.

Okay. Fucker.

Okay. She'll be fine. So you guys suck each other's cocks, huh?

On the other hand, fuck my wife.

One day, I'm gonna put a camera over there, and then I can tell...

One in the bathroom?

One in your living room, one in your bathroom.

One, two, three. Go.

Only difference is this movie's about cock sucking

Or find us on the web at www.ZackandMiri.com.

Or I had an idea.

Or that you beat up Carl Roth in the sixth grade? I know that.

Or that you washed your hair in the toilet.

Or that you're not fucking Zack... What?

Or what your senior prom dress would've looked like had we gone

Or when she sees I charged a video camera.

Orchids grow in sort of the filthiest conditions.

Otherwise the screen doesn't come on.

Park? Enrique?

Peace.

People come back in town for the holidays.

Please, don't ever say shit covered to me again.

Please.

Plus, it sounds like an underground gay fuck club.

Probably didn't save you from a brutal tongue lashing, though, huh?

Right before they start having sex for money.

Roll the film for the man, please, so we can see what he thinks.

Roxanne. Hey.

Saggy balls? Look at these sagging ass titties you got around here.

Same reason I don't spring for clothes for tonight, I'm broke.

Save some for me, yum, yum, yum.

See, and this would really just be one more thing.

See, I told you it would work. Didn't I tell you? It looks amazing.

See, I was pretending to cry right there.

See, we figured this opens us up to an even bigger sales market

Seriously, let's shoot the shit out of this bitch.

Settles my disability suit because then I'm gonna be out this motherfucker.

She couldn't afford to pay her rent by herself, so I moved in to help.

She pays half the rent, does dishes, she wakes me up in the morning.

She throat fucks a guy in night vision,

She told me that you told her that that was okay.

She's not gonna show her tits? I showed my cock and my asshole.

Shoot that shit. Shoot it.

Shot me down on that too.

Shut the fuck up.

Since our auspicious debut on viral video.

Since we started this thing.

So a movie, huh? That could be fun.

So are we starting with Lester and Stacey tonight?

So are you. You're fucking Granny Panties.

So as you can see, our movie ain't got no ending.

So Delaney tells us you have a special talent of some sort.

So don't we need to vary it up to keep it fair?

So I guess it's not a big deal, but you look amazing.

So I guess we should do this.

So I think it's, you know, not fair if I'm only fucking you.

So I will wait forever for you, okay? I will wait the rest of my life

So I'm just gonna lay this out on front street.

So if that makes you uncomfortable in any way,

So if this is what you need to hear in order to keep you from fucking Lester,

So speaking of coming into things, ready for tomorrow? Twenty years,

So that means Lester's character could have sex with Miri's character.

So we can at least keep a roof over our heads.

So we can have our wrap party right now.

So we sell them a Princess Leia they can really fucking jerk off to.

So we took up a collection amongst ourselves.

So we will start off with some erotic massage and some...

So who are we gonna disappoint? Porn has gone mainstream now.

So who the F would wanna watch us fuck?

So why don't they just shoot you with a puck?

So, what about me? How do I look?

So, what are they paying $5 for?

Some guys can't keep sex in perspective.

Someone I like, what are the odds, huh?

Sometimes.

Sorry about the elbow.

Sorry to change the subject on you, Lester,

Sound stage? We had a shit covered garage we turned into a sound stage.

Sounds like your Mr. Jenkins was full of shit.

Stacey knows somebody that works at Power and Light.

Stacey, Lester, Bubbles, Barry, whoo.

Start with the close ups of Lester and Stacey. Give me a second, man.

Stir it, baby.

Stop it. You look good.

Swallow My Cockuccino, Scene 8, Take 1.

Swallow My Cockuccino, Scene 12, Take 1.

Swallow My Cockuccino.

Take it, Barry. Take it.

Telling me to work. What, you think you own me?

Thank you very much.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you. Gosh, you turned out to be such a nice guy.

Thanks, George.

Thanks, Lester, uh.

Thanks.

That accompanies coming with a fucking vibrator.

That are plastered all over the Internet? Is that where you hide your dignity?

That are plastered all over the Internet? Is that where you hide your dignity?

That awkward movement.

That chick frosted me like I was a fucking cake.

That guy is the biggest fucking idiot piece of shit in the world

That guy, Brandon St. Randy, who's Bobby Long's awesome nice boyfriend,

That has to be love, right?

That I could use it to finally make my move on you.

That is a weird revenge plot.

That makes me want some McNuggets.

That sounds good.

That that didn't mean anything to you, that you didn't feel it too.

That they know how to shoot hot sex.

That woman is the bane of my existence.

That would definitely buy a porno we were in just to be like,

That's a cute kitty.

That's a fuckload of pressure for a director.

That's all. But there's no such thing as free titties, is there, Zack?

That's awesome, man. What do you do out there?

That's before I knew about styling products, you know.

That's bullshit. You get to be Buck Rogers having sex in the 25th century

That's for tweens?

That's it? It's over? Ain't he supposed to come on her titties?

That's my fault, I should tell you. I asked for Friday morning off, I'm sorry.

That's my room now. She moved in your old room.

That's not what I meant.

That's right, Miri. Why set up a camera at the end of your bed

That's right. I'm surprised I forgot that.

That's what his asshole became to me. This beautiful flower amidst shit.

That's what we call a stranger.

That's why we got him.

The movement makes it hotter.

The production house for the couple

The story doesn't make sense.

Then two people come along

Then we got Barry and Bubbles fucking.

Then we turned to the professionals at Zack and Miri Make Your Porno.

Then we're done.

Then why are you crying?

Then you have someone else work your arm.

Then you must come in the next day, I tell you.

There can be only one.

There's a chick who works at Teen Juice at the mall, you know.

There's always a shitload of Star Wars nerds at those comic book shows.

There's gotta be one we haven't thought of that would say it all,

There's the double Dutch rudder,

They agreed to turn everything back on?

They don't even know what's going on, they're so pilled up.

They filmed what was inside of us

They're just like... I'll do it.

They're on the island, off the island. Who can follow that?

Think about it.

This is bad. If we don't come up with rent, we're gonna get locked out.

This is exactly why you haven't met my mother.

This is incredible.

This is so crazy.

This is so crazy. This is you, right?

This is so lame. Don't look. Don't look.

This is the last thing you wanna hear.

This is the worst porno I've ever seen.

To just tell you how I felt about you.

To shoot a Broad Street Bully in the balls.

To show us something we can't see for ourselves

To, you know, bend over while you cake your hand in K Y,

Tomorrow we start principal photography.

Tomorrow's Thanksgiving.

Tonight is me and Miri's ten year high school reunion.

Too fucking late. Cappuccino, 3.50.

Uh huh.

Uh, just said, I'm gonna look up more fuck toys on Amazon.

Uh, no, because they're brother and sister,

Uh...

Um...

Unfortunately, On Ur Knees Bend Over does not have any sex in the movie

Unless one of them is a crackhead or something.

Wait a minute.

Wait...

Was in a fucking porno movie, you'd watch it, right?

Was it just amazing with him, after all those years of not knowing?

We are set up for sequels galore. The Empire Strikes Ass.

We could fuck.

We could just not go at all, which would rock.

We could make a porno.

We find someplace new and we do it again.

We finish up the venti vulva scene, and then we get into me and Miri's stuff.

We got married senior year,

We got plenty of sex going on in this thing, you don't have to do that.

We got tired of you taking showers at our places all the time.

We had 800 people in our graduating class?

We had a discussion, Miri.

We had some homeless people squatting in here.

We had... Actually, we had many discussions about how it was just sex

We have no fucking cameras. Here.

We have no money left, nowhere to shoot, no sets,

We just need that. What you're about to spend on the flat screen.

We never shot it.

We rented this place for a month from Mr. Jenkins.

We saw your girlfriend in her underwear, cunt nugget.

We sell a thousand copies at 20 bucks a pop, bam, we have paid off our bills.

We shot you in the balls, cunt nugget.

We talked about you, and us and how things were different

We tried to fuck and instead, we wound up making love.

We were supposed to start with Lester and Miri.

We're also clients.

We're finally gonna know what it's like to have sex with each other.

We're friends, you know, we're just friends.

We're going now.

We're gonna have a lot of fun, but more importantly,

We're gonna launch arching ropes of jism all over this motherfucker. Peace.

We're gonna make a lot of fucking money, okay?

We're happy. I mean, not happy, but it's cool, you know.

We're making a porno and we just need to know

We're not fucking, Zack.

We're still better than these people, right?

We've got thousands of dollars of equipment in there.

Weird? Like... Weird how?

Well, don't mind that smell.

Well, fuck you, okay? You try to think of a good sci fi porno title. It's hard.

Well, good pep talk. Fuck.

Well, I am a whore ista, so I love to fuck. Would you like to fuck me?

Well, I think it's time we put what we always talked about into effect.

Well, I went here, let's just leave it at that, I guess.

Well, I'm bummed, but I totally get it.

Well, it wasn't what we'd shot listed, but that was nice.

Well, it's my job to get shot in the balls, so... Oh, they're gone.

Well, might as well see how many hits Granny Panties is up to, huh?

Well, might as well see how many hits Granny Panties is up to, huh?

Well, since you ain't gonna ask me, I'll just go ahead and tell you.

Well, too bad she's not my girlfriend, you little fuck... Oh, they're gone.

Well, we're just better actors than I thought, I think, so you know what?

Well, why don't he direct my ass to a new husband? How about that shit?

Well, you're a trouper, Stace.

Were you the one they called Stinky Linky?

Were you thinking of my feelings when you were banging Stacey?

What an artist.

What an artist. That was Kurosawa's motto. Shit going into other shit.

What are these, blood diamonds we're talking about?

What are you doing?

What are you doing?

What are you doing?

What do you do? What brings you here?

What do you mean?

What do you think a vibrator is? It's a machine.

What do you want me to shoot here?

What else the producer do?

What if I didn't fuck Stacey?

What it'd be like to sleep with me for a while now.

What made me think I could do something

What the fuck just happened in there?

What the fuck you looking at?

What the fuck? How does this work?

What the fuck? Zack.

What the fuck's this shit?

What you would be or would not be interested in doing.

What?

What? Excuse me, I forgot about the nobility

What? Han Solo ain't never had no sex with Princess Leia in the Star Wars.

What's up, Zack?

What's wrong with you, boy?

When we got into my room, you know what we did?

When we were together because I felt it too.

When we're done, be my guest. Hey, get that fucking beam down.

When you could let the professionals dazzle and delight your senses

When you're done getting your nuts blown off,

When you're telling your real life lover in the bedroom,

Where are we gonna do that? Got another sound stage?

Where I am a quiet fuckup who doesn't cost anybody any money

Where? Is it hidden in your gigantic underpants

Where? Is it hidden in your gigantic underpants

Where'd you get that?

Where's my paintball gun at?

Which means by the time we get home, there's no heat either.

Which one?

Which puts us in an amazingly advantageous position.

Which puts us in an amazingly advantageous position.

Which we don't have at the moment.

Which, I grab my dick, you grab your dick,

Whichever one wanted to fuck the guy who taped the varsity games.

While you off gallivanting and shit. What if this motherfucker

White boy.

White people are fucked up.

Who could it be?

Who knew you'd come to Pittsburgh and meet a celebrity?

Who the fuck wants to live there? There's no water or power.

Who wants to fuck the galaxy,

Who'll coach you through that initial awkward stage

Whoa, if you've got money to burn, how about paying the electric bill?

Whoa!

Why didn't I think of it before? We don't need sets or a stage.

Why does no one recognize me?

Why don't we get another camera, and shoot something else?

Why don't we shoot in your apartment?

Why the fuck do I have to do everything? Fuckers.

Why the fuck do you think I started hanging out with you?

Why the fuck is this white boy running through my goddamn house?

Why would you wanna buy a pocket pussy anyway? That is so sad.

Why you always bending over backwards for that girl,

Why you gotta be yelling at me in front of my director?

Wiffle ball. And, uh, no, that wasn't me.

With an array of shots so masterfully rendered

With fucking Twiki and Dr. Theopolis.

With this mailing list, we have almost a thousand people

With your shaft.

Would be doing something weird. Our bodies and brains would be acting.

Would you all shut the motherfuck up?

Would you calm down, woman? Goddamn.

Would you like to come back to my place and maybe open a bottle of wine

Wow, I...

Wow, that cream looks heavy. You must be strong.

Wow, that is not something that you would have said to me ten years ago.

Wow, that sounded not good.

Wow.

Wow.

Wow.

Yeah, but how are zombies doing it at all sexy?

Yeah, I think I'm just excited.

Yeah, in like a To Catch a Predator kind of way, it is pretty fucking sexy.

Yeah, it's...

Yeah, maybe you hear with an accent.

Yeah, she said she did it because she missed the smell of you or some shit.

Yeah, that was then, okay?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, I'm, uh...

Yeah, you know, it's our first time together

Yeah, you're hired, Mr...

Yeah!

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah. Close Encounters With a Turd From Behind.

Yeah. Stacey, I'm not married to the guy, so...

Yep. I mean, everyone else is having sex with more than one person

Yes, and only 250 R.S.V.P.'d. Doesn't that suck, Mary?

Yes, thank you very much. I appreciate that.

Yes.

Yes. I've gone my whole life pretending that I want nothing to do with you,

Yes. Yes. I love you.

Yo!

You all drink.

You already left one white boy down in my basement

You are just friends and all, so I didn't think it would be a biggie.

You believe this shit?

You better get ahold of yourself, Zack, because we just fucked.

You Better Shut Your Mouth or I'm Gonna Fuck It.

You can believe it.

You can give me a handjob in the girls' locker room.

You can start by saying we can take tonight off

You didn't have to do this.

You didn't have to put us in your movie.

You do this every time. You get too Mary for everybody in the room

You don't fuck someone you met in the first grade.

You don't have the rent? Zack, it's your month.

You don't have to show me anything you don't wanna show me, because...

You don't have to worry, I'm not gonna touch you or nothing like that.

You don't say.

You don't wanna fuck a stranger in the porno movie for some weird reason.

You fucked her like you fucked every other bitch

You fucked her like you fucked every other bitch

You goddamn right this ain't Amistad. I can't wait till the post office

You good, Mir? You need anything?

You guys paid off our massive utilities bills?

You guys see the game? I was at it.

You just look...

You kind of look like Ronald McDonald.

You know what I mean. You've really come into your own.

You know what?

You know what?

You know what? Fuck you. Fuck you, and suck cock.

You know what? I don't fucking give a shit.

You know, before we go, I... I'm thinking that, uh, it's a good idea

You know, for calling me Stinky Linky all those years ago.

You know, I didn't realize how weird it would be for me.

You know, it's always been my dream to watch shit while I shit.

You know, the wife never found out about the camera,

You know, they'd void their bowels everywhere but the bathroom.

You know, we talked about it and it's just for the movie.

You little motherfucker!

You look about the same.

You say that like you've been wondering

You see, there was a time when I was just a bitter old fuck making coffees,

You take it. You take it. Take it, Barry. Oh, take it.

You thought,

You want me to maybe flirt with you so he can see it, even it up a bit?

You work my arm, I work your arm, same time.

You, my friend, are the lead role of Lubed Guy Baller.

You'd fuck me, wouldn't you?

You'll swear Martin Scorsese snuck into your room

You're a fucking faggot, all right? Let's go to Starbucks.

You're a lot funnier than I remember.

You're acting like a jealous girlfriend is what the fuck you're acting like.

You're acting really weird right now.

You're gonna have to go Florida, that's where he moved.

You're harshing my buzz, you know.

You're having sex in the movie, you don't need to fuck someone else.

You're just a guy who likes to fuck his flashlight.

You're just doing this because you've always wanted to fuck me, aren't you?

You're not gonna take it off? Why not?

You're not in my demographic, so I'm not insulted.

You're not my boyfriend, so why are we having this conversation right now?

You're welcome.

You've been trying to keep me from fucking anybody but you

You've never gotten laid here after hours.

Your mother with her makeup and all her drinking, she's in the closet too.

Yup, they sure are.

Yup.

Zack and Miri have proven time and again

Zack Brown, Miri Linky.

Zack Brown, we had four years of Spanish together.

Zack, it's fine. I mean I have slept with way worse looking guys than Lester.

Zack.

Zack.

Ziggy? Is that even in fucking papers anymore? No, man.

A producer? Yeah.

A white supremacist. Man, fuck you.

Ahh! Get out! Jesus, fuck!

All right, good night, you guys. We got a movie.

All right, smile. Okay, got it. Did you get it?

All right. I have a wife, you know.

Am I thinner? Is that it? Look at him.

Anal. Ah, fuck.

And a Dutch rudder is? Don't know what a Dutch rudder...?

And he throws like a bitch. You know what else I throw?

and how we wouldn't let it get weird. I'm not acting weird.

and I need those to skate with. Oh.

and it's all because of you. I don't know. It's just a porno.

and sums up what you're gonna see. Correct.

Are you serious? Of course.

Aren't you gonna take your shirt off? I'm just gonna open it.

At least 800 people. The jerks we went to school with?

Aw. Still know how to work a camera?

Awesome. You wanna fuck me later?

because I just can't. Good.

Because now I'm Oprah rich. No way.

because you still owe me money. What's wrong with the movie?

Bobby me. Bobby Long.

Bobby's boyfriend. Bobby who?

But good. My scene with Zack's tomorrow.

Can he slap her ass a little? Don't be a fucking pervert, dude.

Can you show us what you mean? Sure.

Close the door, Zack! Okay, okay.

Close the door. It was closed.

Cocunt. What's that?

Come here. I'm over...?

Come on. Like that? Like that.

Cool. I know, isn't that awesome?

Cool. I know. Isn't that awesome?

Cut. All right, guys, that's it. Yeah.

Deacon. Deacon. What?

Did I pick the right project? Yeah. What about this follow up?

Dude, check it out. Ooh. Oh, shit.

Dude. It's cool.

Dude. Sci fi.

Ew. Fuck you.

Excuse me? How can you tell?

Fine, but make it fast. Fuck, yeah.

Fix my shirt. Think I should? Okay.

For what? I actually need a lot of recovery time.

Fuck you, motherfuckers. We'll talk about that one.

Fuck you, okay? Okay.

Fuck. Come on. Oops.

Fucking A. Is that enough?

Get over here, delivery man. Let's fuck on these beans.

Get the fuck off of me. There can be only one.

Give me a better option. Get a paper route.

Give me a hug. Oh, okay.

God. Fine.

Good job. Thanks.

Gorgeous. Good times.

Great. The floor is yours.

Great. What does yours say? What the fuck? Come on.

Guy who gets to finance the movie. You think I got that kind of money?

hanging around here? I do, kind of. Right there.

He'd be really excited to hear that. Yeah? For real, you don't mind?

He's a shitty barista anyways. Cock.

He's my cousin. Hey.

Hello, Miriam. Oh, hey.

Hey, Stace. Hey, Zack.

Hey. Hey.

Hey. Hey.

Hi, heh, heh, heh. Hi.

Hi. Hi.

Hi. I'm Miri Linky Brown. I'm Zack Linky Brown.

Hm. Hm.

Holy fuck. The power's on. Did you do this?

Holy shit. Where's that delivery?

Holy. Shit.

Honestly, I'm a little nervous, I guess. You are?

Honey, they get the metaphor. I don't think they do.

How did you afford that? I stole my old lady's bingo winnings.

How does that feel? Dude, I'm just saying

How have you been? Great, great.

I am not your girlfriend. I know that.

I am. Two kids. Wow, that's beautiful.

I can't keep my hands off him. You've had one too many.

I could make a much bigger scene. You really are.

I do. Then not you.

I don't have a bike. Be a waiter.

I don't know if I am gonna need it. Really?

I don't know what that means. Just asses.

I get to help pick the women? Yeah.

I kiss the muscle. You kiss the muscle.

I love you, I love you. I love you.

I love you. I love you too. Have a good one.

I mean, fine... All right. I mean, if you don't care...

I never said this, I tell you. But you thought it, didn't you?

I really hope nothing goes wrong. It's a movie. What could go wrong?

I said, white boy. Yeah?

I thought you recognized me, that's... Oh, okay, I get it.

I want you to come with me. Okay.

I wanted to introduce you to Brandon. Salutations.

I'll be in there getting shitfaced. He will.

I'll do mine, you just... You do yours. I'll do my pants.

I'll e mail you. Zack, it was so nice to meet you.

I'll get them. Whoa.

I'll walk forward. Fucking cream is coming.

I'm an actor. Wow, that's really impressive.

I'm due for another new titty. Please help us. Please.

I'm gonna fuck you with my penis. I can't wait.

I'm gonna make that happen for you. I don't know, man.

I'm pretty, like, pumped up right now. Right? It was amazing.

I'm ready to go when you are, though. Okay.

I'm ready. Okay.

I'm sorry? How about ****a Tuesday?

I'm sure I had a nickname. Nothing? All right, you have a great time,

I'm the bad guy? She's not a guy, Zack.

I've got a beer already, so... Oh, great, thank you.

Invasion of the Potty Snatchers? That's like MAD Magazine stupid.

Is that really a special skill? I think.

Is there? Fuck this noise.

Is your wife home? Yes.

It was closed over... Just close the fucking door, Zack.

It was pretty. Pretty don't sell.

It was so romantic. Way to fuck, Zack.

It was so romantic. Way to fuck, Zack.

It wouldn't be a biggie, would it? No.

It's a re imagining. Oh, like The Wiz.

It's about to move up to my ass. What?

It's between my balls and my leg. What's happening?

It's Black Friday. Black Friday?

It's kind of a big deal. It is?

Jesus, what is that, a rumba? What's a rumba?

knowing she ain't giving up no ass? We got a good thing going.

Like what? I don't know.

Maybe I should leave the pads on. You got some extra ones?

Miri. You married, Bets?

Miri. Zack?

Miri. I'm sorry. Get out.

Never gets old, huh? The other Zack.

Nice to meet you. You too.

Nice, man. Congratulations. A beautiful day, thank you very much.

Nice. Um, show's over in here.

Nice. I'm impressed. Get in there, Deacon.

****a Tuesday? This a new holiday? You come to a brother and tell him

Night, Zack. Night.

No anal. Oh, definitely no anal.

No, I'm fine with it. See, she's fine... Wait, what?

No, no, no. What the fuck is going on?

No, no. It's... To be honest, it was...

No. What?

No. Wow.

Not the idea I was looking for. What?

Oh, come on. Dawn of the Dick.

Oh, he's a director? Yeah.

Oh, my God, yeah. What? You got an idea?

Oh, my God. What?

Oh, my God. Right? I know.

Oh, shit. I don't wanna be with anyone but you.

Oh, shit. I'm sorry, guys. Am I in the way?

Oh, thank you very much. E mail me that.

Oh, wait, oral. I like anal. Yay.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Look at that.

Oh. I mean, we don't have to, but I think...

Okay, I'll do your pants. Back and forth. Okay.

Okay, okay. Okay. This okay?

Okay. Revenge of the Shit.

Okay. Keep moving. You and your little dog.

Okay. Let's go make a porno. Okay.

Okay. Lucky you. Are you a Monroe ver?

Okay. Yeah. Thank you.

On Black Friday. Oh, yeah.

on what everyone's doing. Finally.

Or let us shoot it. Or produce it.

Or put us in your movie either. We said that already.

Penis? Fine.

Please, pull over. Pull the fuck over! Okay, all right! Jesus, okay.

Please. If you wanna sift through this rubble

Real feel action? Oh, my God. Yeah.

Really? Bobby Long.

Really? I mean, if you don't mind.

Really? Really.

Really. One dressed like Hannah Montana?

Return of the Brown Eye. The Phantom Man Ass.

Reunion? Tomorrow's Thanksgiving. Isn't that fucked up that they do that?

Right. And by end,

See? Excuse me, can I get a coffee, black?

Shall we take a look around? Fuck me so hard. Oh, God.

Shall we? Sir. Bye, Bets.

She calls the cops first. She calls it in first.

She is a crazy bitch. Yep.

She is. Get the fuck out of here.

Shit, dude, it's almost 6. Oh, fuck.

Should I say yes? Just say yes.

Should I take your underpants off? Yeah, take them off.

So ain't no prizes or...? No, no.

So all our money's gone? All your money?

so she's letting me borrow this stuff. Yo, bro.

So why you going, then? Miri's making me go.

So, what do you think? I don't think I wanna fuck a stranger.

Sorry. Keep going, keep going.

Sorry. Thank you.

Stand by, Stace, picture's up. Okay.

Star Sex 2: The Wrath of Cunt. We never made a Star Sex 1.

Star Whores. Yeah. It's funny, right?

Stir, come on. Stir. Yeah, stir it.

Ta da. Ta da.

Thank you, thank you. In fucking movies?

Thank you. Here you go.

Thank you. I love you.

Thanks. You're welcome.

That was fun. Yeah, fun.

That'd be me, Princess Lay Her. Who am I playing?

That's amazing. Don't ever get married.

That's due already? November's is probably due now,

That's the bedroom. Keep talking, maybe he will.

That's too dirty? That offends me.

The back part of the toilet thing. Oh, that makes sense.

The customer with the harelip... Oh, yeah.

The Dutch rudder? Yeah, it's ingenious, right?

The only difference, yeah. The end was pretty rad.

The post office fucking settled? Hundred sixty large, son.

The story? The story doesn't make sense.

The water. The water.

Then can I be honest with you? Sure.

Then I'll be Pete Jones. Okay.

There's poo in there. Not that part.

They fight just like real people. I thought I'd be a conduit for you...

They sell the Fleshlight here too. What's that?

They shut it off. Oh, shit. Just, uh...

They're really distracting. You should leave them.

This ain't Amistad. You shut up.

This guy is amazing. This guy's great looking too.

This is the best night of my life. Am I making a spectacle?

to committing your love... Or lust.

To hell with you. To hell with you.

Too soon? A Cock in Lips Now? Next.

Uh, let's move on, shall we? Why?

Uh, no, I'm married. Okay, cool. If you change your mind,

Um, they help with the casting. What's casting?

Wait, L.A.? Los Angeles? California.

Wait, so Miri... Never fucked nobody.

Wait. Stop. Stop.

was all grabby on me? Ain't nobody wanna grab on you.

We can shower in our home again. We are liquid.

We did? Yeah.

We were getting great shit. Yeah, it was so fun.

We wrapped after that. Wrapped? So...

We'll change the name to Sky Baller. Sky Baller.

We'll start kissing on three, okay? Okay.

We'll talk about that if you get the part. Okay.

Well, I'm trying to pay the bills, so... It's not a bad thing.

Well, listen to you. Thank you. No, don't thank me, just fuck me.

Well, that was before. Before what?

What are you doing here? Me and Lester.

What are you doing? Wait, wait.

What can I get you? Yeah, can I get a, uh...?

What if you could do it all over again? I'd jerk off and live by myself.

What is? It got wedged in my taint.

What next scene? The one with Miri and Lester?

What? Highlander, man? The Kurgan.

What? It's stuck under my balls.

What? That's it. That's the movie.

What? We shouldn't show your breasts.

What? When you moved out,

What? You're buying a vibrator online.

What? What? Oh, it's wedged in my taint.

What'd it feel like? Like fucking a flashlight.

What's that thing? It's a hand warmer.

What's up? What the fuck?

What's wrong with the one you have? It died last week.

When she kills him. With a gun.

Where you aiming at? Cock shots?

Where you going? Getting the fuck out of here.

Who are you again? Lester.

Who? My stupid husband.

Whoo! Yeah.

Why don't you, uh, head downstairs? Oh, okay.

Why is he so fucking high strung? Fuck off, I tell you. Very good.

With Mrs. Long, I bet, huh? No, no, no. No Mrs. Long for me.

Wow. Just explain to your private beforehand,

Wrong room. Oh, God. That's gross.

Yeah, DreamWorks was taken. Was it?

Yeah, I'll have a cold one. I said, have a good one.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is awesome.

Yeah. Cool.

Yeah. Like I don't wanna do shopping.

Yeah. Nice.

Yeah. Or making porn.

Yeah. So get ready for greatness, people.

Yeah. Three beers.

Yeah. Yeah.

Yes. Yes.

You and me get to have sex, then? Yeah.

You are totally in love, aren't you? Zachary, we are.

You can look at both titties, man. Man.

You could tie these together. Motherfucker, we match.

You don't recognize us, do you? Um, no, sorry.

You fucked it? Yeah.

You got it? Yeah, no, we got it.

You gotta get your... There you go. Okay, okay.

You guys... This is amazing.

You just force your way in every time. I thought, maybe for one second

You looked so beautiful. Thanks.

You motherfuckers... We'll take it.

You must be a terrible lay for that. What? No, I'm great.

You okay? Yup.

You want me to come in? What happened to the water?

You working on a rewrite? Yeah, just for tonight's scene.

You're gay? Yeah.

You're gonna have to start hooking. You know, you jest,

You're good. I'm only fucking you, though.

You're just being sarcastic. I am.

You're still cool to do it, though, right? Yeah, um. Totally. Are you?

Your face. Yeah. Weird, huh?

Zachary will work. Zack, my boy. Yeah.

¶ HEY by THE PIXIES ¶

¶ SEX AND CANDY by MARCY PLAYGROUND ¶

¶ SMALLTOWN BOY by BRONSKI BEAT ¶

¶ STEAL MY SUNSHINE by LEN ¶