American Reunion Edit

A cardiologist. Wow.

A gentleman never kisses and tells, Jim.

A happy ending? What's that?

A lot of memories.

A person's virginity is something sacred, you know?

A pretty lady like you shouldn't be drinking quite so much.

About getting together a couple of days before the reunion.

Actually, I was thinking about going

Actually, you were.

Again. Really.

Agreed. There's no need to stoop to their level.

Ah!

Ah!

Ah!

Ah. Oh. Oh.

AJ was supposed to drive my car back,

AJ, what are you doing here?

Alas, I have yet to find what you would call a real relationship.

Alessandro is long gone.

All he's gonna do is tell them off.

All over the anus, got it.

All right then, I'll see you.

All right, get ready.

All right, hurry up, Stifler. Come on.

All right, let's see what you got, Kev.

All right, you wanna hear what you wrote, Finch?

All right.

All right.

All these women are either married or came with dates.

ALL; Finch!

Allow me.

Already? Wait here, guys.

Although, I do remember reading a very interesting article

Am I good sidekick material?

Am I wrong, or was this place a lot more fun when we were younger?

Amazing what?

An erectile problem?

And all that other stupid shit.

And before you know it, he's gonna be a teenager...

And cradle those balls.

And divorced.

And don't forget, we still have to watch Real Housewives.

And everyone's married and having kids,

And getting married and having kids

And got a boring job like most of us,

And I can still kick your ass.

And I caught him in the middle of sex with some girl.

And I caught Steven sticking my hairbrush up his ass.

And I don't consider French Guiana a nation.

And I don't have all the answers right now, but I see you,

And I guess I could come along on one of your adventures.

And I just know

And I see you've gotten much better at this.

And I wanna make sure you're not around on Sunday night,

And I wanna tap that without you there. You got it?

And I was promised a raise, and I didn't get it, so I

And I'll be back this afternoon.

And I'll get him to reschedule.

And I'm not letting you... No, no.

And if there's anything I learned from lacrosse players,

And if you do that, the sex will come.

And let me tell you something, I snagged a pelt or two.

And maybe,

And neither should I.

And now we can have some fun.

And now you've got your own little guy.

And seeing more of your mother than you'd like,

And she started taking off her clothes, and touching my...

And stick around here with Heather for a while.

And that wraps it up for my special guest, Chad Ochocinco.

And then Evan was born

And then I got all caught up in the world of underground baccarat.

And there they are.

And they haven't really picked up since, you know?

And we have the cutest kid ever.

And we kind of stopped.

And we see, like, all of our old friends,

And we were just wondering if we could use your phone to call AAA.

And we're back here on Sports View,

And what a terrific soiree you're throwing here tonight.

And what about Oz?

And you can pick things up.

And you can take this job and shove it up your dickhole

And you know I love you.

And you two used to bang.

And you'll always be mine.

And you'll be teaching him about masturbation

And you're making yourself at home?

And you're not going to do anything about that?

And you're our dick.

And, in other ways, you're exactly the same.

And, you know, all the do's and all the don'ts

And, you know, doing a little reading.

Any sign of him yet?

Anything I can get for you, Christopher?

Anytime.

Are we sure we're not taking off too much?

Are you acting tough in front of your girlfriend? Huh?

Are you crazy? I love the Twilight books.

Are you okay?

Are you okay?

Are you planning on being on All Stars?

Are you ready for me, Stifler?

Are you sure you don't want one?

As long as you're mine, I'm happy.

Ashley, so good to see you! Oh, my God.

At least he was with a real, live human girl.

At least I don't take pictures of my meals.

At least let me have the house for the weekend.

Aw, fuck!

Aw, is everything okay? You seem stressed.

Aw, that is so cute!

Aw!

Aw!

Awesome!

Babe, trust me.

Bathtub incident.

Be a real man, you have a beard now.

Be everything I set out to be.

Be her daddy.

Because anybody that's peed next to you

Because I have a reunion to attend.

Because I won't go there.

Because I'm the fucking Stifmeister.

Because sometimes you can buy a little time

Because Terminator 2 is still the greatest film ever made.

Because that's the lamest name ever!

Because that's what dancing is, it's truth.

Because the place needs to look perfect for the InStyle shoot.

Because to me you look like a little bitch pussy.

Because we both know she's only with you for your money.

Because we knew, somehow, you would find a way to screw things up.

Because we want you to plan our wedding.

Because you are so self centered and...

Because, you know what, it's dangerous.

Beer down.

Before you went to med school.

Before you were born,

Believe it or not, this is my first highschool party.

Besides, it wouldn't be responsible

Better than the bathtub?

Better than this?

Big Stiffy?

Billy! Oh, my God, you're looking so svelte.

Blowjob Lipstein.

Bluck!

Bob from Acquisitions had a heart attack.

Bob, what are you doing here?

Boo!

Boy, these pages are all stuck together here.

Bravo, by the way.

Bring it home, and apply it to Michelle.

Bring it on.

But do you think you could give us a minute?

But he hasn't even shown up yet.

But he was never that interested.

But I am putting you to work.

But I don't need to do that. I can do that tomorrow.

But I have to say you're much sexier in person.

But I will, believe me.

But I'm not going to.

But if there's anything that you want to talk about,

But it's very important not to stop being a husband and a wife.

But my point is, when you have a kid, you become a dad and a mom.

But no matter how much time passes

But now it's time, Chris, to see if America thinks you done brought it.

But now that we're back here in the town,

But remember our first time was at a Stifler party.

But the fact that I still have feelings for you

But the fact that you've been with Heather already, kind of makes it okay.

But we're not in high school any more.

But were we just as obnoxious as these kids back in the day?

But what do you say we keep this party going, and hit up this reunion together?

But you can't just wait for the two of you to be alone.

But you could come with us.

But,

But, I gotta be honest, Chris, I could use a little adventure myself.

But, thanks for understanding.

But, uh...

But, you know what, at least I got to keep little Furlong.

But, you know, seems like people are actually going.

But... Yeah, yeah...

By the way, I fucked Mario Lopez!

By the way, I had no clue what I was doing with any of this shit,

Can I cut in?

Can I get a pic?

Can I help you?

Can I talk to you guys for a sec?

Can you believe that jerk?

Celebrity Dance Off, Season Six. My man, Chris Ostreicher.

Ch!

Chad, which college football powerhouse

Changed at all, Jim.

Chester!

Chillax.

Chow time!

Chris Ostreicher, Ron Douglas. It's a pleasure to meet you.

Chris, I'm so sorry, man.

Chris, this is Ron, my boyfriend.

Chris!

Classic rock? This is classic rock now?

Coffee for the pretty lady?

Come dance with us. No, it's okay.

Come on and get in bed with me?

Come on, buddy, I'm busting balls. Huh?

Come on, come on, come on. Fuck, yeah!

Come on, guys. Not cool!

Come on, guys. That was pretty funny.

Come on, I'm not fighting you, okay?

Come on, man!

Come on, man! What are you smoking, Ocho?

Come on, Stifler!

Come on, stop

Come on, we'll go a few days early. No Stifler this time.

Come on! Shit!

Come on! We're going to the same place.

Come on.

Come on.

Come on. Get in bed with me.

Come on. I was a complete jerk last night.

Come on. No one will ever find out.

Come on. Okay, good.

Cool, dude. What the fuck?

Could Jim be any more obvious?

Could this party get any lamer?

Crazy, huh? Look at us.

Dad, don't worry. I'll hook you up.

Dad, it's okay.

Dad, stop, okay? It's exactly what I'm gonna...

Dad, what are you doing?

Dad, you've always been there to give me advice.

Dad?

Dad?

Dad?

Dad? Ah!

Daddy needs a Band Aid.

Daddy, boo boo.

Daddy?

Daddy.

Definitely not for your dick.

Definitely.

Deshaun's the interior decorator I told you about.

Dick! Hey, ladies...

Dicks.

Did you and Mom...

Did you feel it?

Did you guys see the look on their faces?

Did you hear?

Did you just refer to yourself as "the Stifmeister"?

Did you...

Didn't realize the Special Olympics competed at night.

Didn't we? Yes, we did.

Different.

Do it for Jim, dude, don't be selfish.

Do it. Do it! Don't puss out.

Do me a favor, take a look at the tape.

Do you have any last thoughts for the audience?

Do you have something that's a bit sexier?

Do you have those photos?

Do you mind if I tell you how I feel?

Do you see him? Jim! Jim!

Do you think maybe it's time for you to

Do you think you can do that?

Do you think?

Do you...

Does this song sound familiar?

Doesn't change who we really are.

Don't be a pussy, Jim.

Don't be.

Don't get me wrong, all right.

Don't hurt my friend!

Don't listen to him.

Don't mess with the Class of '99, bitch!

Don't push me.

Don't puss out!

Don't worry. I locked it.

Don't worry. I was going to shut the lights off anyway.

Don't you know they fired your ass?

Don't...

Down it, man! Just chug it! Chug it!

Drink it! Drink it!

Drink it. Drink it! Drink it! No, I can't.

Dropped him!

Dude, find your balls and return them to your sack.

Dude, she wants to fuck you big time, dude.

Dude, these young chicks, they know some crazy shit in the bedroom.

Dude, yes, she is.

Dude, you have an amazing body!

Dude, you need to get banged bad.

Dude, you walked in on Doug and Barry in the shower.

Dudes!

Dudes?

Eighteen, wow.

Ellie, this is Vicky.

Especially mine.

Evan, don't touch that!

Evan! What the...

Every time I want to shop online and I start typing "Amazon,"

Everybody, raise the roof for Chris Ostreicher!

Everything's okay. Everything's fine.

Exactly!

Exactly.

Excuse me, officer.

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Faster than a speeding stroller, more powerful than a mini van.

Feel the sofa.

Fellas, do you gotta stare?

Finch has a mom?

Finch was a klutz.

Finch, just tell them.

Finch!

Finch? Finch!

Finchy.

Fine! He's all yours.

Fine.

Fine.

First you fuck with my jet ski, then you fuck my girlfriend?

For kicking some horny kid's teeth in

For sure.

For the last few years, and from home.

For you.

From when you got drunk and fell in the lake.

Fuck Finch. Let him spend the night in jail.

Fuck that!

Fuck yeah, Mr. Levenstein!

Fuck yeah! I jizzed like a racehorse.

Fuck, yeah! Fuck, yeah!

Fuck!

Fuck! Dude!

Fucker!

Fucker. What was that?

Fucking awesome.

Fucking bullshit!

Gentlemen.

Get off my husband, you little piece of shit!

Get up, gimp!

Girls, one at a time, please.

Girls, this is Stifler.

Give it back, Stifler.

Give it back!

Give it to me, daddy. Give it to me... Oh, yeah.

Give it to me, daddy. Oh, yeah.

Go fuck yourself, Stifler.

Go out there, and get some ass.

Go, go, go!

Go, go. Go, go, go, go. Go, go.

God, you're so big, it hurts.

God.

Gonna have to find me.

Good evening, sir.

Good eye.

Good to see you, pal.

Good to see you. Yeah, man.

Got a whole '90s theme planned.

Gotcha.

Great movie.

Great, everybody's getting laid but me.

Gross!

Gross.

Guess the party's over.

Guy has a heart attack right there.

Guys, I screwed up.

Guys, I'm telling you, tonight is gonna be the night she promised me a year ago.

Guys, this is stupid.

Guys?

Half the lacrosse team was gay.

Happy birthday, princess.

Happy birthday!

Happy birthday.

Hasta la vista, Stifler.

Have you ever thought about being a party planner?

Have you heard from Michelle?

Haven%I seen you before?

He flipped out, I don't know.

He is crazy.

He touched my snatch!

He turned the damn thing into a crumble in about two seconds.

He was in the hospital for two weeks.

He won that bike betting on the World Cup in Argentina.

He's adorable.

He)', guys.

Heather, I want this.

Heather, you can believe this,

Heather.

Heather.

Hell yes! That's why I'm here.

Hell, yeah. I got my first rim job at the Falls.

Hello, my old friends.

Hello, son! Come here.

Hello, sweetheart.

Hello, you. How are you?

Hello.

Her given name was Loni, Stifler.

Here she comes!

Here you go.

Herman's Hermits.

HEY HEY...

Hey, babe, I'm home!

Hey, bar wench, can I get a Budweiser?

Hey, buddy. What's up, pal?

Hey, Christopher!

Hey, come on in.

Hey, don't forget, you were the one who broke up with me

Hey, excuse me. What the hell is going on?

Hey, give me a second, I gotta find some toilet paper.

Hey, guys, check it out.

Hey, guys!

Hey, guys. Sorry we're late.

Hey, Heather, you down there?

Hey, hi.

Hey, hon. Hey!

Hey, I can explain everything! Jesus!

Hey, I got a treat for everybody. I picked something up.

Hey, I missed your wedding, I wasn't gonna miss this.

Hey, I was just gonna do a birthday shot.

Hey, Jess

Hey, Jim, can you hand me those paper towels, please?

Hey, Jim, your dad is so much cooler than you.

Hey, Jim.

Hey, Jim. Do you wanna introduce me to your friends?

Hey, Jim. Oz.

Hey, Kara, how are you getting home tonight?

Hey, Kara! We gotta go.

Hey, Kev, you know who my favorite housewife is?

Hey, Kev!

Hey, Kev.

Hey, Kevin, is that a pussy on your face?

Hey, kid! What do you think you're doing?

Hey, ladies, why don't we give them some time to catch up?

Hey, Loni.

Hey, Mia?

Hey, remember that one time at band camp,

Hey, shitbreak, when you're getting rammed by your cellmate tonight,

Hey, Steve, come on, this is...

Hey, stud.

Hey, sweetie.

Hey, sweetie.

Hey, take it easy, Ron.

Hey, that chick was in band?

Hey, the fight's over, guys.

Hey, watch it! Okay, jeez.

Hey, what are you doing?

Hey, you know what? I think I have to go to the bathroom.

Hey, you know, Kara, you should drink some more water.

Hey, you were moving to LA with no return in sight.

Hey!

Hey!

Hey!

Hey!

Hey!

Hey!

Hey!

Hey! Come on, come on, let's go!

Hey! Dipshit!

Hey! Hi.

Hey! Whoa! Careful! Careful. Yeah.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey. Hi.

Hi, Daddy.

Hi, girls.

Hi!

Hi!

Hi! Hi!

Hi.

Hi.

Hi. Hi.

Hmm?

Hmm? Have a shot.

Hmm.

Hmm.

Hold it in!

Hold it, Michelle.

Hold on, is that really happening?

Hold on, Michelle's friend from band?

Hold on. Let Stifler do his thing.

Holy Jesus! Kara?

Holy shit!

Holy shit! Excuse me.

Holy shit! What?

Holy shit.

Holy shit.

Holy shit. I'm sorry, I don't need...

Honestly, not that much.

Honestly, that was more about me being nervous.

Hope you guys are thirsty. Stifler Claus is here.

Hopefully I will see you tomorrow.

Hopefully, it'll be more of a bratwurst by the time he's a teenager...

Hors d'oeuvres!

How about a joint, then?

How are you? Oh!

How do you do?

How is your mother, Stifler?

How often

How the hell does she know my name?

How would you know?

How you doing, Dad? I'm good.

How'd you find me?

How'd you get back in?

Huh?

Huh? Maybe a little pendant? The new Nicki Minaj album?

Huh? Oh, no! You're very pretty, Kara. You're very, very...

Huh? Oh, that? That's...

Huh? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah I'm okay. I was just... Um...

Huh? That's good, it's all clean.

Hurry up. Come on!

I actually haven't thought much about that.

I always preferred staying at home, throwing on a little NPR.

I always wanted Paul to be more into sports.

I am a bit jealous.

I am an assistant manager at a Staples in Bayonne, New Jersey.

I am in charge of the reunion.

I am not sure yet.

I am so sorry for all of this. I cn explain.

I am sure your wife would be very happy to read that.

I appreciate that, Kevin. But my mom, actually, bailed me out.

I bet you did.

I bet you were all desperate virgins back then.

I bet.

I blame you. How much did you let him drink last night?

I booked Chumbawamba.

I can do it, okay? I promise, I'll get it done.

I can top that.

I can totally sneak her in through the back door.

I can't be mad at my angel.

I can't believe how much you've grown up.

I can't believe it's you.

I can't believe the way I acted. I'm so embarrassed.

I can't believe you're here.

I can't just leave her here naked, you know?

I can't tell you how many times I walked into Steven's room

I didn't have a date.

I didn't think you were gonna make it.

I do have to warn you, though,

I do love you, but you need to

I do.

I don't have to go on with that.

I don't know how much longer we can go on like this.

I don't know if you've heard. Mmm?

I don't know who this is, but I'm pretty fucking busy right now.

I don't know, I guess I just felt guilty.

I don't know.

I don't know.

I don't know.

I don't know.

I don't know.

I don't know. Can you promise to keep your shirt on?

I don't know. I don't think...

I don't know. I'm a mom now.

I don't know. It might be normal in your world.

I don't need that... I don't need that kind of massage, Jim.

I don't need this.

I don't pay you to think. You are a temp.

I don't really remember.

I don't remember.

I don't think he's going to show.

I don't think so, Steven. I'm not much of a drinker.

I don't think so.

I don't think that's it. That's not it?

I don't think we're dressed appropriately for the occasion.

I feel like a whole new man after this weekend.

I feel the sooner you realize that you're the bitch,

I followed you. I had to see it with my own eyes.

I fucked Finch's mom.

I get it.

I got it.

I got my high school reunion.

I got your Jew scarf!

I gotta go.

I guess I thought I'd have a family by now.

I guess this is it, huh? Back to reality?

I guess we had the same idea, huh?

I had a blast. I was unforgettable.

I have been in her house a million times to babysit.

I have to get a drink.

I have to go right now, but I'll call you back in a little bit.

I have to tell you something.

I heard Finch's mom doesn't even know where he is.

I honestly think I had fun.

I just don't want you to settle.

I just forgot how awesom this is.

I just got this feeling like something really bad is about to happen.

I just need a nap. What?

I just thought they were wrestling.

I just wanted another glimpse. No.

I just...

I know exactly where they're going.

I know how you feel.

I know I do.

I know this place like the back of my cock.

I know you wouldn't.

I know, I can't help it.

I know, this is so much better, right?

I know! I know!

I know.

I know.

I know.

I know.

I lied to my best friends, and I'm sorry.

I like your breasts Door.

I liked you because you were still the same good guy

I love Ellie more than anything.

I love him so much. More now than ever before.

I love how, after all these years, you're still taking care of me.

I love you.

I love you.

I love you.

I married the most wonderful woman in the world.

I mean, do you really think he would come with all he has going on?

I mean, I'm in. Of course I'm in. Come on, what?

I mean, if the cops come by and find out I'm involved,

I mean, it's not every day you get to see a model walking around off the page.

I mean, whatever happened, I feel guilty.

I mean, you're Finch's mom?

I mean, you're probably having more sex than any of us.

I miss you, babe.

I miss you, too.

I need an escape route!

I need you guys to distract her parents.

I need you to go in on Sunday and get everything ready. Yes?

I once walked into my bedroom

I pre ejaculated twice.

I promise you I will do everything I can to make it up to you.

I promise you, this weekend,

I really am.

I really can't keep Michelle waiting. Can we just head back?

I really need to talk about, Jim.

I really was admiring how clean your toilet was in your bathroom.

I remember, I couldn't wait till graduation

I sat around writing X Files fan fiction.

I saw a monster. A what?

I saw it all on Kathie Lee & Hoda.

I say we keep this party going.

I say we make this weekend our bitch.

I see somebody's been stalking my Facebook page.

I should really wait for someone special.

I shouldn't. Yes, we should, yes, we should.

I still don't get why we need an interior decorator.

I suggest you stay out late.

I swear I had these all taken down. How did you...

I swear, I was just trying to do the right thing, and I...

I take that back.

I think Evan may be developing a rash.

I think I Will.

I think I'm going to take a bath, okay?

I think I'm the happiest man in the world thanks to you.

I think one of those guys was Kara's babysitter.

I think what I've learned is to be true

I think you are a lot more than sidekick material.

I thought about throwing them out,

I thought he was gonna cut their jet skis free.

I thought you always come to these things together.

I thought you'd never...

I told him we're in.

I told you he was funny.

I told you I was an expert.

I told you to print out the morning numbers and put them on my desk,

I took care of you.

I translated The Brothers Karamazov into Latin for fun.

I understand. It's just, you know, he's two.

I walked into the kitchen once, and I saw Jim humping a pie.

I want to see.

I want us.

I want you so bad.

I want you to be my first.

I want you to come all over my...

I want you to dust off that old dick of yours,

I want you! Whoa, whoa, whoa!

I want you.

I wanted us to have a fucking fun time

I was head cheerleader.

I was just planning on staying in tonight

I was just upset that you would think that I would do that

I was just watching your old Bar Mitzvah tape.

I was just watching your show a minute ago.

I was kind of hoping to spend a little time with the wife.

I was reaching for something.

I was running this drill every weekend.

I was talking about

I was the kid who everyone saw on the Internet.

I was thinking about it, and you're right.

I was thinking it could be kind of romantic.

I woke up next to her in bed, and all our clothes were off.

I work at JBH Global.

I would prefer it if I was the one

I wouldn't call being with Ron "settling."

I'd love to.

I'll be right back, okay?

I'll bet. Jesus, Finch.

I'll get us some drinks.

I'll get you off, you get me off.

I'll see you later, buddy.

I'm a father for Christ's sakes.

I'm a fucking heart surgeon, this guy's not even on ESPN.

I'm a lesbian now, and this is my girlfriend.

I'm about to! I'm about to!

I'm an expert, Jim. Trust me. I got this shit.

I'm disappointed.

I'm going to drop Ev at my grandma's

I'm going to fucking kill you.

I'm going to get us some shots.

I'm going to kill you!

I'm going to stay with my grandmother.

I'm gonna throw up.

I'm her boyfriend.

I'm here for you.

I'm here to pick him up. I'm his mom.

I'm Jim's dad.

I'm just fucking with you.

I'm just going to run out for a sec.

I'm just saying that usually I'm not one for swapping,

I'm kidding. Come on, I'm kidding!

I'm looking for Paul Finch. Have you seen him anywhere?

I'm not gonna cheat on my wife!

I'm not here!

I'm not talking about the show.

I'm not worth jack shit, Dron.

I'm old enough to know that, Dad.

I'm on my way to your place and...

I'm out of here.

I'm Rachel.

I'm ready.

I'm really sorry.

I'm screwed.

I'm sorry, but you have had a little too much to drink tonight,

I'm sorry, excuse me.

I'm sorry, guys, you'll have to excuse me.

I'm sorry, I will.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. You are busy, yes?

I'm sorry. You're right.

I'm Stifler's mom.

I'm still that guy.

I'm sure you will.

I'm willing to do whatever it takes to make it perfect.

I'm your dick.

I've been hanging outwith my parents.

I've been looking all over for you.

I've been out of the game for so long.

I've just been... Busy?

I've only been working as an architect

I've seen the YouTube clip.

If we just danced a little bit more,

If you get it, then why the questions?

If you want my opinion, I think you got cheated.

If you want quality vag, you have to go out into the wild.

In fact, I can't believe we haven't met. I'm Steven Stifler.

In fact, I dated a few of them.

In more ways than one.

In some ways, you've completely changed,

In the back.

In the Levenstein household lately.

Interests and hobbies.

Investment stuff.

Is everything okay?

Is everything okay?

Is gonna have the most players drafted in this year's draft?

Is he all right?

Is that what this is about?

Is this a washroom?

Isn't classic rock the best?

It doesn't even occur to you that you're self centered

It feels like a Smurf's ass.

It hurt like a bitch, though.

It is now.

It is so great to see all you kids back in town.

It just makes me, you know, think.

It looks like a high school party.

It looks like that because it did hurt, Kevin.

It sounds like things are perfect.

It was great.

It would be nice to get out of the house.

It'll be just like old times.

It's a good one.

It's a little too much now.

It's a lost cause.

It's about time. Yeah.

It's actually my 18th birthday tomorrow.

It's better than ever.

It's not a card, it's the truth.

It's not so bad.

It's not what you think, okay?

It's on.

It's only considered cheating if your wife catches you in the act.

It's over, huh?

It's so smooth.

It's Stifler, fucker.

It's Stifler.

It's that I like to handle a stick

James? What? Come on!

JDate? You have to be kidding me.

Jennifer's not a skank.

Jessica, it's good to see you.

Jesus, God. Kara. Kara, wake up.

Jesus, Kara. What are you doing here?

Jesus, Stifler, what happened to just stealing their beer?

Jesus, Stifler.

Jim Levenstein.

Jim used to be my babysitter.

Jim was just saying how much fun he had taking care of you.

Jim, I don't mean to alarm you but you don't have much time.

Jim, I'm worried.

Jim, is there anything you want to talk about?

Jim, it's a good thing you found a woman

Jim, what the fuck are you wearing?

Jim, what's going on?

Jim, you do realize that the lid is see through, right?

Jim! Yeah...

Jim?

Jim?

Jim?

Jim? Hey!

Jim.

Just because you're a mom doesn't mean

Just don't fuck up, Stafler.

Just make sure you call your mom. She misses you.

Just means that what we had was special.

Just we're like so out of sync.

Just wonderful!

Just you, me, Oz and Finch.

Just, it's going to be tough to find a guy as good as you.

Just, when you get home, you just better be ready.

Kara, come on! Kara, come out.

Kara, I told you these boys try to get you drunk

Kara, listen. Um...

Kara, this is not funny.

Kara, this isn't time for a nap. Kara, wake up.

Kara, wake up. Kara!

Kara, where the hell are you?

Kara!

Kara! Kara! Please wake up, Kara!

Kara! Kara! Stop it.

Kara?

Kara?

Kara?

Kara?

Kara?

Kara?

Kara? Shit.

Kara. You came!

Kev, I'm sorry, I've been meaning to call you back.

Kev!

Kev! Hey!

Kev.

Kev. Hey.

Kevin, don't. I'm fine.

Kevin, in France,

Kind of sucks we have to leave, though.

Knowing that you're married.

Knows it's the size of a leprechaun's pinkie.

Ladies, better be working hard,

Ladies? They bailed, dude.

Lard Arms?

Last call!

Last night I ran into Kara, our neighbor.

Later, fucker.

Later.

Leaner lines. I still have mobility.

Lesbians? I knew it!

Let him go. Let him have some fun.

Let me know if you want some creamer with that.

Let me see that.

Let me see what I put.

Let the man make his own decisions.

Let's get in bed.

Let's go.

Let's go.

Let's just get this out of the way.

Let's just go. Let's go.

Let's just say that friendship is a two way street.

Let's keep that in the past, though, okay?

Let's make a deal.

Let's see the results.

Levenstein. Yeah, Jim Levenstein.

Like what?

Listen, find your nametag, find out what table you're sitting at.

Listen, I need someone to finish his presentation.

Listen, Vicky, about last night,

Listen, we had a blast the other night.

Listen, we really need to...

Look at this big bruiser! Oh, my goodness!

Look, AJ, just calm down, okay?

Look, I get it.

Look, I know that it's crazy.

Look, I love my wife, but I need a weekend with the guys.

Look, I'll make this quick, okay?

Look, I'm sorry about what I said the other night.

Look, just because you got a fancy office and I don't even have a desk

Look, Kev, I think you should go talk to Vicky.

Look, Kev, you don't know for sure if anything happened.

Look, Mom, Daddy!

Look, Paul, I didn't like you because you climbed the Alps,

Look, Stifler, none of our lives are perfect.

Look, you wanted me to get a job, so I got one.

Looking good, look at you!

Looking good, Stifler.

Looking good.

Looks like the VIN numbers match up.

Ls it

Lucky.

Married. Had a kid.

Maybe in high school it was funny. Now it's just a felony.

Maybe it was good that they will learn to respect their elders.

Maybe next time, Deshaun.

Maybe you are kind of a dick.

Meet someone else?

Mia and I are over.

Mia, get off!

Mia, love, phone call. It's Rumer.

Mia, stop.

Michelle used to lov going to the Falls.

Michelle, can I just... Please!

Michelle, you look beautiful.

Michelle?

MILF! MILF! MILF!

MILF?

MILF.

MILF.

MILF.

MILF.

Mine, too!

Mmm hmm.

Mmm hmm. Yeah, after you.

Mmm, sweetie pie!

Mmm.

Mmm.

Mmm.

Mmm.

Mmm. Dinner smells great.

Mmm. Mmm.

Mommy, Daddy, are you okay?

More, more, you bad boy!

Morning, co workers and cock jerkers!

Most wives stop doing that after they get the ring.

Mostly negative.

Mr. Levenstein. Yes.

Much.

My friend's car broke down,

My house, my rules.

Nadia, it's so nice to see you.

Nadia?

Need I remind you that I am married to Michelle?

Neither did I.

Never have I ever had sex in public.

New Moon is my favorite.

Nice outfit, by the way. Very kinky.

Nice scarf. I see you finally came out of the closet.

Nice to meet you.

Nice to see you, too, Stifler.

Nice!

Nice! Oh, my God.

Nice.

No Bachelorette, no Real Housewives.

No more war!

No one else here probably has any.

No, and it wasn't the handle side, either.

No, dear. No!

No, he's just trying to get me some vag.

No, I don't.

No, I just thought... "I just thought..."

No, I just wanted to hear the sound of your voice.

No, I'm not getting in bed...

No, I'm not... Kara, please. Oh, God. Please.

No, I'm overreacting. I'm sorry.

No, I'm the one who should be apologizing.

No, it wasn't.

No, it's fine.

No, Jim.

No, Jim.

No, Kevin.

No, Mia! Wait a minute!

No, Michelle, hold on.

No, no, Kara, wait. I didn't mean...

No, no, no, no, not at my party.

No, no, no.

No, no, no.

No, no, no. You go. I'll be fine.

No, no, not all of them.

No, no!

No, no!

No, no. I think it's the same. We're just old now.

No, not you. You.

No, son, lhaven% hardly had one drink.

No, that came from Kara's room.

No, things in that department were fine.

No, you don't.

No!

No! God, no! Nothing happened.

No! Not special.

No.

No.

No.

No.

No.

No.

No. Mmm mmm. No?

No. No, no, no, listen, Mr. Duraiswamy,

No. No, no, no, no. This is why you're in town, isn't it?

No. No? Boobies.

No. She doesn't want to talk to me.

No. Why do you have that?

No. Yes.

No... Yes.

Not lately, no.

Not me. I'm going to take some time off my job

Not the boss,

Not this time.

Nothing, Mr. Duraiswamy, nothing.

Nothing, Mr. Duraiswamy.

Nothing!

Nothing.

Nothing. Um...

Nothing's changed.

Now I remember. Yeah.

Now think of all the fans you have.

Now you know how it feels, Big Stiffy.

Now, let's see what we are dealing with.

Now, look at me. I'm the bitch of this place.

Of course not.

Of course they brought me.

Of course.

Of course.

Oh, boy. Oh, boy! Oh, boy!

Oh, come on, guys. I think we're all pretty

Oh, come on, Heather. You haven't drank once.

Oh, come on!

Oh, come on!

Oh, crap! It's the fuzz!

Oh, Finch's mom!

Oh, Finch's mom!

Oh, Finch's mom!

Oh, fuck!

Oh, fuck.

Oh, give him a break.

Oh, God, Michelle! Fuck, I love you!

Oh, God, Michelle.

Oh, God, there it is. I don't think I can hold it any more.

Oh, God, this is bad. This is very, very bad.

Oh, God!

Oh, God! Oh, God!

Oh, God.

Oh, God. I'm just saying.

Oh, God. Okay. Um...

Oh, hey, baby!

Oh, hey, check this out, you guys.

Oh, hey, Dad. Hey, Jim.

Oh, I do. I do, I'm sorry. Guilty as charged.

Oh, I got an idea. What about a dance off? Huh?

Oh, I'm sorry, Jim.

Oh, it's right here. Okay.

Oh, jeez.

Oh, Jesus, God!

Oh, Jesus.

Oh, Jesus.

Oh, Jim Levenstein! Right!

Oh, Jim, Jim, Jim.

Oh, Jim!

Oh, leave him alone.

Oh, man! Vicky! What?

Oh, Michelle.

Oh, my God, are you all right?

Oh, my God, I know you. You were on Celebrity Dance Off.

Oh, my God, I love this song.

Oh, my God, is this the babysitter?

Oh, my God, this is the most ridiculous thing I've ever seen.

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God! It great to see you, James.

Oh, my God! Look who it is.

Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Oh, my God! Okay, I see what's going on.

Oh, my God! The Vicky? Kevin has told me so much about you.

Oh, my God! Vicky!

Oh, my God! We have, like, so much in common!

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. I'm sorry I didn't recognize you.

Oh, my God. That's disgusting.

Oh, my God. This is the jackass.

Oh, my gosh! So funny.

Oh, my... Where did your...

Oh, no, dean No, no, no.

Oh, no, he's gorgeous on paper.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Oh, no, no. You go and have fun.

Oh, no! Look who that is!

Oh, no. I didn't do anything.

Oh, not this. No. No.

Oh, of course you did.

Oh, please!

Oh, really?

Oh, right.

Oh, she's...

Oh, shit, let me talk to her.

Oh, shit, shit. We were supposed to...

Oh, shit!

Oh, shit!

Oh, shit.

Oh, shit.

Oh, Stifler.

Oh, stop it. Come on.

Oh, take those off!

Oh, thank God!

Oh, thanks.

Oh, that's fantastic!

Oh, that's Mr. Moo!

Oh, the lake! Yes, of course, the...

Oh, they made me an honorary tribesman.

Oh, uh...

Oh, um...

Oh, wait, Sunday.

Oh, wait. There he is.

Oh, wow, how fun!

Oh, wow.

Oh, wow. Who the hell do you think you are?

Oh, yeah, I need this.

Oh, yeah, you like it nasty, don't you?

Oh, yeah!

Oh, yeah!

Oh, yeah!

Oh, yeah! Oh, my God!

Oh, yeah?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, you do, do you?

Oh, you have no idea!

Oh, you know,

Oh, you take care, too. Okay, yeah, bye bye.

Oh, your son's such a dork!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh! Fingered her, hairy nips, huge boobs.

Oh! I almost forgot, Mario Lopez is having a Memorial Day party.

Oh! I'm sorry.

Oh! Isn't that the sweetest thing?

Oh! Just go out there.

Oh! Man, Nadia!

Oh! Man, the Senior Wish List.

Oh! No, no, no.

Oh! Oh!

Oh! That's something to keep in your back pocket, because that's a no fail.

Oh! Well, another time.

Oh! Yeah, no, that's... Yeah, that's right.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh. I'm sorry, man.

Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh. That's...

Oh...

Oh...

Oh...

Oh...

Okay, a bottle of hair spray...

Okay, after this drink, I have to go home.

Okay, babe. Go for it.

Okay, boys, the past is the past.

Okay, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on. Okay.

Okay, come on.

Okay, Dad, I get it. ...but I'm just...

Okay, don't move. Stay here.

Okay, I get it, Dad.

Okay, I know it doesn't sound good, but nothing happened, okay?

Okay, I know that doesn't sound romantic or anything,

Okay, is it just me, or do girls today seem a bit sluttier?

Okay, it's my turn now.

Okay, Kara.

Okay, let's be done with that.

Okay, look, obviously

Okay, never have I ever been in an orgy.

Okay, relax.

Okay, so I've been by your page maybe once or twice.

Okay, wait a second.

Okay, wait, wait.

Okay, we have to get out of here.

Okay! Come on!

Okay! So nice you are still together.

Okay?

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay. And don't worry, I won't watch Gossip Girl without you.

Okay. Calm down there, Susan.

Okay. Mia, can you...

Okay. Well,

Okay. Yeah, we'll just, we'll go home.

Okay... Perfect.

On Myers Family Wine Night?

On something Brazilian.

Online dating services.

Only if we get caught.

Ooh, Bachelorette finale later.

Ooh!

Ooh!

Ooh!

Ooh...

Or am I?

Or killed a camel with your bare hands.

Or maybe I've just never had sex in public.

Ostreicher.

Oz, it's just a show.

Oz. There he is.

Paul Finch.

Paul is like my best friend.

Paul, what's going on? What is this about?

Paul!

Paul.

People wonder why our financial system's falling apart.

Please, I want you to come so bad.

Plus, that hot piece of ass Oz is banging got wasted, so we had to drop her off.

Prettygood. Yeah, pretty good. Let's see.

Probably, you know.

Put that on.

R. Kelly always does the trick.

Really?

Really?

Really? About what?

Really? None of you?

Really? Yeah.

Really? Yeah.

Really? Yes, very pretty.

Reggie, give me some love.

Remember how you didn't wanna go on Celebrity Dance Off at first?

Right here.

Right, because banging Stifler's mom didn't count.

Right?

Right? Okay?

Ron, I can explain.

Ron's a cardiologist at my hospital.

Sandler? What the...

Saved his life. It was a big story, you can Google it.

Say yes.

Seeing you again, all these old feelings came up, and...

Selena and I, we're planning a little jaunt to Europe.

Selena Vega.

Seriously, I would never do that!

Seriously, this guy?

Seriously? Hey, that would be awesome!

Services? Yeah.

She flew out this morning.

She said she may or may not come.

She used to call me Big Stiffy.

She wanted me to be someone else.

She was waiting until she turns 18. You do the math.

She's a free spirit.

She's here.

She's really upset over there.

She's something else.

Sherman? The Sherminator?

Shh. Okay, nothing happened, Stifer. Okay? Nothing happened.

Shit, sorry, Mr. Duraiswamy It's... I was just...

Shit!

Shit!

Shit!

Sholdn't you be dancing with your girlfriend?

Shoot! I'm so sorry, Michelle. I really... I wanted to, I just...

Shut up, shitbreak.

Sidekick?

Simply borrowed it.

Since then, I've just been biking through South America.

So I could leave this town and reinvent myself.

So I wanna make it count.

So sorry to interrupt, Stafler.

So they can take advantage of you.

So you feel free.

So you got a lot of work to do.

So you've really been to every country in South America?

So, after my troubles in Beijing, I just moved to Dubai,

So, basically, you are the most interesting man in the world.

So, how do you know my best friend Jim?

So, how have you been since high school?

So, I'm assuming you didn't know he was gay back then.

So, I'm skiing down a mountain.

So, is your buddy, the other MILF guy, here tonight?

So, Jim, what do you wanna do?

So, Mia.

So, sounds like you and Mia have quite an adventurous lifestyle.

So, Stifler, you're looking sharp.

So, that was AAA on the phone and they should be here in a jiffy.

So, the guys were all talking about heading over to the Falls.

So, we didn't have sex?

So, what do you think?

So, you brought the goods?

So, you know, I just, I'd rather not talk about his penis.

So, you two are banging,

Some friend you are.

Some lame excuse about his jet skis.

Someone's got a little poopy diaper.

Something that I don't want to be.

Sometimes a little too adventurous.

Sometimes two or three times a day.

Sorry for interrupting you guys last night.

Sorry, we can explain.

Sorry, we thought this was more baby friendly.

Sorry, you're going to have to be more specific.

Sorry.

Spent the rest of '09 living with this African tribe.

Steven! No!

Stick around. Hulk Hogan gets jiggy friggy, right after this.

Stick your finger in my asshole.

Stifler better not do anything crazy.

Stifler, please stop getting my dad drunk.

Stifler, what are you doing here?

Stifler! Are you crazy?

Stifler?

Stifler?

Stifler?

Stifler?

Stifler? Stifler!

Stifler.

Stifler's having a party tonight.

Stifler's parties can get a little.

Stifmeister!

Stop it!

Stop it! Stop!

Stop talking about him!

Stop that!

Stop. Come on.

Stressed?

Strip down! Come join us.

Sudoku.

Sundays, noon to three? Tuesdays, four to seven?

Sure, thanks.

Sure.

Sure.

Surprise! Hey! You made it.

Take a look. I'm nervous.

Taking what's mine.

Talk about an ugly duckling turning into a swan, right?

Talk to your uncle Mort. I'd rather not.

Teen sex, rainbow parties, sexting nude photos...

Tell me I'm the best.

Tell me when, okay?

Thank you for telling me how you feel.

Thank you so much. Thank you, bro.

Thank you, no. I... Yeah, that might be difficult.

Thank you, Sheranda. You've been very helpful.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thanks a lot.

Thanks, Dad.

Thanks!

Thanks! This is great, man.

Thanks.

Thanks. I'm kidding.

That actually makes a lot of sense.

That doesn't mean you should be embarrassed.

That have to do with the little guy's weenie.

That is a great look for me!

That is so sexy.

That leaves us with two options.

That little shit took my top!

That made you feel that way, but...

That means a lot, gentlemen.

That sounded like it came from outside.

That time they caught us making out at the Falls.

That was a fucking joke, you moron. Jesus Christ, what am I doing?

That was actually nice to me in high school.

That was awesome!

That was just the kid next door.

That was really...

That was very smooth, Stifler.

That wasn't me.

That's AJ. Don't ask.

That's awesome, it sounds like everything is working out for you.

That's called wine, Stifler.

That's disgusting.

That's fine, we can...

That's gross.

That's Jim? He looks nothing like me.

That's not good, don't...

That's not true.

That's not what I was...

That's Selena Vega in front of us. Wait, wait, wait, Selena...

That's the father of my child.

The better off you will be.

The Falls. Wow, I haven't been there in forever.

The last time I did this, cell phones didn't exist.

The name is Noah, motherfucker.

The only math I know is you've added your penis to her vagina zero times.

The paper towels, Jim.

The paper towels!

The place is romance incarnate.

The reunion, you in?

The thing is, Stifler is throwing a party tonight.

The truth is that my life isn't interesting at all.

The truth is, you're still a dork,

Then we graduated and everybody started getting jobs

Then, gentlemen, I hope you're all wearing protection,

There hasn't been a whole lot of sexy time

There is going to be plenty of Jim and Michelle time, okay?

There isn't a whole other side to you.

There she is!

There was a little baby squirrel in the road, so...

There wasn't even a game back then.

There would be no more wars.

There you are!

There you are!

There you guys are. Look around. Can you believe this shit?

There's a smoking hot 18 year old girl over there that you used to babysit.

There's gotta be someone in town you can see a movie with.

There's just a part of me that still wishes that

They got a shot?

They splashed us.

They were actually just talking about you earlier.

They were really nice guys.

Thing is, you only get one chance at your 13th reunion.

Think of Kevin.

Think they'd be into it?

This better be good, Stafler.

This is back in the '70s. A lot of experimentation was going on.

This is Chris Ostreicher reminding you to play on, plava!

This is Ingrid.

This is not a problem, so do not worry.

This is silly. I'm an adult.

This is the first long weekend I have had in a while

This isn't a reality show, okay? This is the real world.

This isn't napping time.

This must be awkward for all of you.

This sucks.

This weekend, like we did in high school.

Three minutes.

Three.

To change. Be back soon.

To let me drive in this condition.

To meet up with them tonight at the bar... Oh.

To my high school reunion that weekend.

To myself,

Tonight?

Two F's? You dumbass!

Ugh! Um...

Uh uh. Not this time.

Uh...

Uh...

Uh... Remember Teletubby Tuesdays?

Uh... Um...

Um, coming!

Um, Stifler, do you know where you're going?

Um, that's my girlfriend.

Um...

Um...

Um...

Unless you guys wanted to.

Until next time. Until next time!

Up here, dude.

Us, our generation, we were more mature.

Vagina shark!

Very funny.

Vicky, wait.

Wait a minute, do I sense a little jealousy there?

Wait for it!

Wait for it. Wait for it!

Wait here, I'll be right back.

Wait, is that Heather?

Wait, Michelle. Hold on, hold on.

Wait, what about our deal?

Wait, where are you going?

Wait. Wait, Wait!

Wanna hit this?

Want to go to a Justin Bieber concert?

Was a setback, but you know me,

Was my dancing that bad?

Way to go, Jim.

We asked your mom.

We can bury the hatchet here, huh?

We could party together, do all the same shit that we used to do together.

We didn't mean it.

We discussed all this last night.

We don't have to wait 13 years to see each other again.

We have to get out. How do you get out?

We have to watch this.

We might need something a little more recent.

We need to have more fun together.

We should try to get together every year.

We shouldn't be doing this.

We shouldn't wait until the next reunion.

We wanted to apologize for what we said last night.

We were in Mr. Lee's English class together.

We were looking for Kevin. Couldn't find him.

We'll come back to this oe.

We'll see if their offensive line can hold.

We're here about that stolen motorcycle.

We're not here to stop a fight.

Welcome, you guys.

Well,

Well, all our clothes were on the floor.

Well, I made plans with the guys

Well, I mean, you know, obviously,

Well, I'd love to, but your dad has been with Ev all day.

Well, if you're going, I'm going, too.

Well, next round's on me, okay, guys?

Well, our first reunion is officially in the books.

Well, should we do something?

Well, thanks.

Well, that is a thoughtful take on foreign policy.

Well, that makes one of us.

Well, that was a great party.

Well, that was interesting.

Well, these are things you're gonna have to deal with.

Well, we gotta clean this up before we go to the lake.

Well, we just got engaged. Yeah.

Well, we saw you jam. Now, it's time to scram.

Well, what about Jim and Michelle time?

Well, yeah, maybe you've got time, but..

Well, you know, a babysitter's job never ends.

Well, you know, your mother and I did go to a lot of movies.

Well...

What about the new iPhone?

What about the reunion tonight?

What about you guys?

What about you, Finch?

What about you?

What about your career? LA?

What are we going to do about Finch?

What are we gonna do? Come on.

What are you doing here?

What are you doing?

What are you doing?

What are you doing?

What are you doing?

What are you getting at, Ron?

What are you going to do? Hit me, Oz? Huh?

What are you guys talking about?

What are you talking about, Stifler?

What are you talking about?

What are you talking about? Did you change your hair color?

What are you up to these days?

What are you worried about?

What can I do for you, sir?

What do you do over there?

What do you mean, you don't know?

What do you mean? We sent you an e mail

What do you say, until next time?

What do you say?

What do you think about the Lions this year?

What do you think happened?

What do you want with Finch?

What do you want, Chris?

What happened to pissing in their suntan lotion?

What happened to you at the end of the night, Stifler?

What happened?

What happened? I called the police department a thousand times.

What have you cock smokers been up to?

What is he doing?

What is that supposed to mean?

What is that, a half a vagina?

What is that?

What makes you little fuckers think you can crash one of the Stifmeister's parties?

What the fuck are you fuckers doing here?

What the fuck have you been up to?

What the fuck is this?

What the fuck?

What the fuck?

What the hell am I supposed to do with this?

What the hell are you doing? Jesus Christ!

What the hell are you doing? You just expect me to blow you?

What the hell is going on here?

What the hell is going on now?

What the hell is going on?

What the hell kind of freaky shit is going on in here?

What the hell?

What the hell's going on in here?

What the hell's going on over there?

What the...

What the...

What the...

What the...

What the... Where did those fuckers go?

What took you guys so long?

What was that sound?

What was that?

What was that?

What you're going through is perfectly natural.

What, are you choking on your own dick?

What, did you write something cheesy? Let's see.

What?

What?

What?

What?

What? Gilbert Gottfried and not you?

What? I was dating Vicky at the time.

What? I'm sorry.

What? No, God, it's not fine.

What? That's so fucking gay.

What? The lake?

What? This is crazy!

What? What is it?

What? You're not a kid any more.

What're you assholes gonna do about it?

What're you doing?

What's going on with you two?

What's this?

What's this? What's this?

What's up, bro?

What's up, Class of '99 ers?

What's up, man? Jim.

What's with you jacking my style, bitch?

When are you going to realize that things will never b the way they used to be?

When I was your age I was pretty obsessed with sex, too.

When we licked whipped cream off each other's...

When you guys were busy jacking off in high school,

When you lose something that's important to you, it doesn't feel very good.

Where do you think you're going?

Where is Mia?

Where the hell is he?

Where we all had to write wishes about our future.

Where's that bottle I gave you?

Whether I believe you or not,

Which one?

Who are you calling a skank, you fucking bitch?

Who did you end up with?

Who might you be?

Who the hell changed the music?

Who wants to see my baby shake his booty?

Who were you talking to?

Who's stalking who now?

Who's this douche?

Whoa, that looks like it hurt.

Whoa!

Whoa! Hey! Whoa! That's not water. Okay.

Whoa! Oh, my God.

Whoa! Stifler, that's a little too much, don't you think?

Whoa! Whoa!

Whoo!

Why didn't I do this 30 years ago?

Why do you think you went to Hebrew school three times a week?

Why don't we all... Stifler, just...

Why don't we test this new look out tonight?

Why don't you give this to our host, son?

Why don't you guys make out and prove it.

Why not?

Why'd you put her clothes back on, dude? Boo.

Wild.

Will you get him for me, Daddy? Please.

Will you take me?

Wish List? I don't remember that.

With a well placed thumb.

With high school chicks.

With my special guest, Chad Ochocinco.

With the sex drive of a dozen groupies. Hmm?

With what happened...

Would it be okay if I get a picture?

Would you like to dance?

Wow! That's a big time firm.

Wow.

Wow.

Wow. Look, you have a beard! It looks great.

Wow. Well, Heather's a bit more on the conservative side.

Yeah, about that. I feel like I'm being way underutilized here.

Yeah, because they were soaking wet

Yeah, chicks love a father figure. Keep playing that card, dude.

Yeah, come on, man. None of that shit matters.

Yeah, fuck it.

Yeah, high school was awesome.

Yeah, how could I forget?

Yeah, I don't think there's anything

Yeah, I flew in from New York last night.

Yeah, I guess he was, but he did not get that from me.

Yeah, I just don't normally drink like this.

Yeah, I miss her too, Dad.

Yeah, I'll go put him to bed.

Yeah, I'm on TV.

Yeah, I'm sure you are.

Yeah, it is.

Yeah, it was.

Yeah, Kevin, allow him.

Yeah, man, check your Facebook.

Yeah, man. Nice work.

Yeah, man. You were one of the biggest reasons that high shool was awesome.

Yeah, no, I'll just call the chairman,

Yeah, no, you're right.

Yeah, of course.

Yeah, right, at my age? I don't think so.

Yeah, she is.

Yeah, Stifler, we are gay.

Yeah, sure. Wait here, I'll be right back.

Yeah, thanks.

Yeah, that's perfect.

Yeah, that's what I'm afraid of.

Yeah, the lake, dude. It was your idea.

Yeah, true.

Yeah, well, good luck with that.

Yeah, well, I don't want to go to jail

Yeah, yeah, yeah!

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah! I'd love to.

Yeah, you are the Stifmeister.

Yeah, you did. I get it, you guys think I'm a dick.

Yeah, you gotta admit, it was nice giving those kids a little payback.

Yeah!

Yeah!

Yeah! Hey, hey.

Yeah! Yeah, this is you, right?

Yeah! Yeah.

Yeah? What are you doing for fun? You seen any movies lately?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah. And, hey, listen, my friends call me Doctor Ron, D Ron or just Dron.

Yeah. Are you a friend of his?

Yeah. But the pricks cancelled yesterday.

Yeah. I mean, everything's good, especially work wise.

Yeah. Let me guess,

Yeah. Oh, ye& yes, yes.

Yeah. Oh.

Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah.

Yep, he's taking their beer.

Yep.

Yep.

Yes, come on, this is happening. Come on.

Yes, I did. You know why?

Yes, true love.

Yes, we do need to stare.

Yes, we should.

Yes! Yes!

Yes! Yes! I remember.

Yes. Yes, I did.

Yo, so you really think Kara's gonna give it up tonight?

You and Michelle haven't been...

You and you, stay here.

You are amazing!

You are so trapped in the past, Stifler.

You are such a prude!

You are the best!

You are the same douchebag that you were in high school.

You are worried about Deshaun?

You better be ready.

You brought him?

You can be whoever you wanna be. You just gotta be it.

You can't blame me for wanting to settle down.

You can't just put it on his cheeks,

You can't... Don't do that.

You could take what you learn from Kara,

You destroyed their jet skis.

You didn't actually think I'd fall asleep again, did you?

You didn't miss much.

You didn't see me! I'm not here!

You do care about your marriage, don't you, Jim?

You don't call me, you don't e mail,

You don't comment on my Facebook page.

You don't even wanna know what you can pick up.

You don't have to explain.

You don't have to sugarcoat it.

You don't remember me, do you?

You don't remember?

You don't say.

You don't think I'm pretty?

You don't want to miss this. Stick around.

You get a Triple A plus in my book.

You got it.

You got it. Class of '99.

You got to hit that. No fucking way.

You guys all right?

You guys are here for the reunion, huh?

You guys didn't even let me know you were coming back for the reunion.

You have certainly reinvented yourself.

You have really been bringing it all season long.

You have something going on with this skank?

You have to believe me, Michelle, please.

You have to go.

You have to make your own alone time.

You have to rub it all over the anus, too.

You have to try these cupcakes, they're awesome.

You just expect me to do everything while I get nothing?

You knew I always had a crush on you, right?

You know it is.

You know something?

You know what, I am gonna handle this myself.

You know what? Hold on a second.

You know what? I have to use the restroom, too.

You know what? I must have put two F's in "Stifmeister."

You know what? I'm going to get you fucked up.

You know why?

You know,

You know, Finch, just because you sold out

You know, first of all, Steven, it's my house.

You know, he does know that he can take a picture with his shirt on, right?

You know, I can remember when you were just a little guy.

You know, in my day we called it a beaver.

You know, it has been three years since she passed, Dad.

You know, it's funny.

You know, the last time I was here was for prom.

You know, the one that looked like Adam Sandler.

You know, there are services out there...

You know, we still haven't discussed the whole

You know, when I was in high school, I dated a lacrosse player.

You know, when you rub the Aquaphor on his tush,

You know?

You look

You made it! Made what?

You made it.

You made it.

You made me your bitch.

You made some sort of mistake.

You make it sound like I'm a superhero.

You mean to tell me that none of you have cell phones?

You motherfucker!

You must have known that, right?

You named your kid after Eddie Furlong?

You never could find me.

You okay there, Kev?

You should come to my party.

You should save yourself for someone special.

You should think about it.

You stay away from my mom, shitbreak.

You take one swing at me, I will sue you for all you're worth.

You tell me. You're in the hot tub with another dude.

You think I don't know what I'm talking about?

You think? I really...

You understand? Yeah, listen, Jim.

You used to be morbidly obese. I was concerned.

You wanna make out? Yeah.

You want another?

You want some E?

You want to be with him?

You were dating someone named Alessandro?

You were so much cooler than me.

You were such a good dancer. I felt so bad when you got voted off.

You weren't hired for your looks.

You.

You'll always be my first love.

You're a fun dick.

You're a lucky man, Oz.

You're a really lucky girl. He's a great guy.

You're going down, Sandler.

You're going through thi, I am sorry. I should be listening.

You're lucky I'm letting you stay here.

You're not even close to being finished and you're up here

You're opening doors now? How did...

You're self conscious about your body.

You're special.

You're telling me you haven't gotten a little bit tipsy

You're under arrest.

You're welcome. Thank you.

You've been drinking, haven't you?

You've been with the same company for over ten years.

Your creepy friend invited me and all my girlfriends.

Your first?

Your mother and I, we would do it every day.

Your mother favored something she called, "diving for dollars."

9l", my God, yeah!

Cheers! Yeah! All right!

He has grown. Look at him! Huh?

It's so good to see you. Hey, Dad.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Wait.

Shit. Sorry. Sorry. There was a...

What? Who the fuck was that?

'cause I plan on bringing some ass back from the reunion,

'Cause, your face, you're just so familiar.

"amazingcollegesluts.com" pops up.

"Chillax"? Dad, where are you going?

"chilling with your posse"?

"Chris Ostreicher. Hopes to coach his son's lacrosse team."

"hopes to have the sex life of Ricky Martin."

"I get knocked down but I get up again."

"Jim Levenstein"

"Kevin Myers. Hopes to still be living it up"

"Oh, I am the best." "Yes, you are the..."

"Oh, I'm good, Stifmeister, 'cause you know what?

"Oh, yeah, yeah..."

"Paul Finch hopes to find le grand amour."

"Steve Stifler."

"That's not true." Oh, yeah, it is.

"Vag"?

"with the amazing Vicky Lathum."

"You know, I love you so much that I'm going to just have some fun down here."