Tenacious D in The Pick of Destiny (2006) Edit

A cock push up, my friend, is where you lay on your stomach...

A gentleman named Salvatore Papardello.

A horrific battle ensued.

A legacy.

A what?

Aaaaaah!

Aaaaaah!

Aaaaaah!

Aaaaaah!

Aaaaah oooh!

Aaaaah!

Aaaaah!

Aaaaah!

Aaaaah! Sweet baby!

Aaaah!

Aaaah!

Aaaah!

Aaaah!

Aaaah!

Aaagh! Aaah, aaah!

Aaah, man, that was a monster jam that we played.

Aaah!

Aaah!

Aaah!

Aaah!

Aaah!

Aaah!

Aaah!

Aaah!

Aaah! Aaah! Aaah!

Aaah! Mmm!

Aaah.

Aaah.

Aaah.

Aah, fuck!

Aah, that's all right.

Aah!

Aah! Oh, God! Oh!

Aah.

Aah.

AC/DC. Van Halen.

Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Ah ha ha ha!

Ah, we're just regular guys.

Ah! Aaah! Oh! Aaah!

Ah! Ahh!

Ah! Argh! Ow!

All in Latin.

All of a sudden it reappears in the American South...

All right, dude. Roger that.

All right, get outta here. I told you enough already.

All right, Kage, let's do it, man. Two, three.

All right, man.

All right, no more fucking around.

All right.

All right.

All right. Just play it cool.

All we have to do is step into that magic circle...

Amazing...

An even greater energy source.

An official professor bullshit degree?

And cry like babies.

And fuck you, Jables.

And have sex with each other all night long.

And he promised to come here tonight...

And I aims to keep it that way.

And I got news for you.

And I made them both poke each other's eyes out.

And I will put them in your eyeholes!

And I'll be like, "No way, cockshiner."

And if I find anybody in there...

And if you feel it, just fuckin' lay it on me.

And it's not just a list of bullshit...

And it's the truth.

And let him read it too?

And lift yourself off the ground with nuthin' but your boner.

And mental power necessary to evolve to new heights.

And now our masterpiece will never happen.

And play some of your songs at the party.

And play us a few of his hits.

And so the wizard fashioned the demon's tooth...

And so, uh, they're inductin' us...

And the chicken fried steak.

And the dark wizard was totally stoked to be alive.

And the masterpiece is ours.

And then he'll be like

And then I am going to stick your eyes in your ballsacks...

And then I will take your balls...

And then we'll do bongloads and play Maximum Overthruster.

And then we're gonna fuckin' do a little mini tiger roll...

And then...poof!

And there's two guys goin', "I'm We're gonna punch you."

And they want us to play a gig.

And things got crossed, chakras were fucking exploded.

And transportation, the clothing and entertainment...

And we're gonna totally win that money next week...

And we're not leavin' here without it.

And you get inside and cry like little girl.

And you know when I go quadruple plat he'll come a knockin'

And you're driving away my crowd.

And, uh, it's called The History Of Tenacious D.

And, um, we wrote this song that gives you a little taste...

Animal power would give him the food...

Anything you need, man.

Anyway.

Are using the same guitar pick

Are you ready to write a fucking masterpiece?

Are you ready?

Are you stoned?

Are you with me?

Are you, uh, going to, uh...

Aren't you hungry? You should eat somethin'.

Aren't you the guitar guy from the boardwalk?

Ask for Jojo.

Assailants turning south down Lexington Avenue.

At the crack of noon!

At the open mic contest.

At the open mic night tonight.

At the top of Guitarway to Heaven.

At the turn of the century, in Robert Johnson's fingers.

Awesome. I'll tell you about it later.

Back to the Dark Ages.

Backstage at the Kyle Gass Project.

Be careful.

Bean and chee

Bean and cheese burrito.

Because I wrote it...

Because Satan's not in a guitar pick...

Big hit in Canada.

Big power meeting you guys had?

Boo!

Boo!

Boo! Boo!

Boooo!

Buddy.

But compared to the greats?

But dick ass had to follow his cock.

But I can't reach it.

But I think we can make some dreams come true tonight.

But I was caught. Set off a laser.

But if the D's gonna win that prize money...

But keep going, yes.

But thaaaaat's my life.

But that's definitely the wrong part of the cosmos.

But the great demon was far too powerful.

But then we broke it...

But then you did pass it later?

But we're not gonna be called the Kyle Gass Project.

But you just stumbled onto...

But, God damn it, I'm going to read it anyway...

C'mon, get outta here.

C'mon, Kage, you're comin' with me.

C'mon.

C'mon.

Can I be a Sasquatch too?

Can I help you gentlemen?

Can you hear me?

Can't...reach...pick.

Catch me if you can.

Center.

Check out the Rock & Roll History Museum?

Check this out, this guy's insane.

Check this out.

Check, please!

Check. Uggh.

Classic Rock is clear.

Come back with my pick!

Come on, come on. Stand up. You're all right.

Come on, get up, get up.

Come on, helmet head.

Come on, Kage!

Come over here.

Cool.

Cool. Well, how was that, uh...

Count me out.

Daaah! Fa gaah!

Damn!

Did you see that?

Do it!

Do you know where I can find the Pick of Destiny?

Do you think you can handle a woman like that?

Don't forget to fucking bring the thunder.

Don't make a sound unless it's a masterpiece.

Don't walk away from me!

Don't you know genius when you see it?

Draws like a pencil.

Driving a blue Cutlass Supreme.

Dude, hold on. That's good stuff.

Dude, it's Jables. Pick up, man.

Dude, let's see the pick.

Dude, look at this place.

Dude, pick up.

Dude, we are gonna smoke the competition...

Dude, we can still use the pick.

Dude, we could totally outrun him.

Dude, will you just teach me that one thing that you did?

Dude, you heard that guy.

Dude. I can't believe you'd pass by a gig opportunity...

Dude. I got some smokin' bettys over there...

Dude. The party?

Dudes!

Dust off the stage, open mic host. Step aside.

Eddie?

End of the show, he flicks it back into the audience.

Engage Kage!

Every day.

Everybody, we have got a special surprise tonight.

Excuse me, um, are you gonna charge us for all the refills?

Exercise, or tell the truth.

Eye of le tigre!

Fatty.

Fifty miles to Los Angeles.

Fine!

Fine.

Finish me, foul beast!

Focus, Jables.

Follow me. We are the shadows.

Freeze!

From now on, I want you to do one cock push up a day...

From now on...

From whence you came you shall remain...

Fuck a luck a ding dong.

Fuck you, Kage!

Fuck you! No!

Fuck you. I don't fuckin' need you.

Fuck! My fuckin' horn!

Fuck! You chipped my tooth.

Fuck.

Funny stuff.

Gaaah!

Gaah!

Get back to work.

Get it up.

Get off the stage, you stupid dillweed.

Get on with it, dumb shit.

Gettin' to play our own tunes?

Gimme a power slide. Full throttle.

Go ahead and sleep on the power couch.

Go back to Kickapoo, you fat ass momma's boy!

Go fast. The magic only lasts a second.

Go on.

God damn it!

God damn it! Aah!

God! Damn it, Kyle!

God! That was KG's fault.

God! That was KG's fault.

Goddamnit, Kage.

Gold man. Ha ha ha!

Good call.

Good call.

Good idea, rage Kage.

Good times.

Good. Go score me a dime bag.

Grab a seat.

Great.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha ha ha! High five!

Ha ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha! Good thinkin', man.

Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha! So good.

Ha ha! Daddy, look. Look.

Had to let him go for loafin'.

Hah! What's with the hat, dude?

Halt! Stop!

Haul ass!

He he'll he'll be fine.

He coulda lowered me down with a rope...

He didn't know what he had, though.

He does look like a fucking baby.

He then found the means to harness...

He turned me on to some shit that you wouldn't believe.

He'll know what you're talking about.

He's gonna shoot us. Let's bail.

He's in here.

He's inside all of us.

He's my butler.

He's that little voice in your mind...

He's tryin' to punch me in the neck.

He's what makes us not want to go to work...

He's what makes us want to party...

Hee hee hee hee!

Hee hee!

Heh heh heh! Ha ha ha!

Heh heh heh.

Hello?

Hello.

Here's your 'za. That'll be 15.50.

Here's your lunch, pumpkin.

Hey, gimme that back, man!

Hey, guys, you're runnin' a little late.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, what's wrong?

Hey, sing something, douchebag!

Hey, that's really...

Hey, what's this check for 200 bucks?

Hey, what's up with this pedal?

Hey, what's up?

Hey, what's up? I'm JB from the Kyle Gass Project.

Hey! Okay! Let's go!

Hey. Dude, you reached KG.

Hey. Hey.

Hey...

Hi, pumpkin. It's your mother.

Higher notes, higher notes, can you play any higher notes?

Higher notes, higher notes, higher notes, higher notes.

Hm. Maybe.

Hmm.

Hmm.

Hmmm...

Hnnh!

Ho ho ho!

Hold on.

Hold up, dude.

Holy shitballs.

Hoo hoo hoo hoo!

How can I repay you?

How did it look?

How will I know if it's a masterpiece?

How'd you hear about this?

Hu...

Huh! It's a guitar pick. I'm lead guitar.

Huh?

I actually saw it once.

I already got a guitar pick anyways.

I already spent the last rent check.

I already went down that rabbit hole once.

I am going to slice out your eyes and your balls.

I am trippin'.

I broke my guitar!

I burned it with a curling iron.

I can do this.

I can get it if I surf on your

I can walk that. I don't need a car.

I can't believe this machine, it's

I can't reach it.

I can't stop thinkin' about that fuckin' pick.

I did it, man. Check it out.

I don't have my gui I don't have a guitar.

I don't like anything to get in the way of my creative juices.

I don't like to say the name, but uh, we had some hits...

I don't think they have it.

I fuckin' pull your shit up.

I fucking cleaned your apartment, man.

I fucking did it!

I gained the trust of the night librarian at the Vatican.

I got both elbows down like this.

I got it! I got it! Aaah!

I got lots to show you.

I got that for you.

I gotta be light on my feet like a dancer.

I had it in my hands, too.

I have ass mark too.

I have to go back to my mom and dad's.

I helped write it.

I hope it was worth it, because we're done.

I jam with him all the time.

I just heard a noise.

I know all the dudes from Sabbath.

I know, dude. So do I.

I know, we were so awesome.

I know. It's OK.

I like you. I see the spark in your eye that I once had.

I looked it up in the dictionary.

I love yoooou!

I love you too, JB.

I love you, pumpki

I love you, pumpkin.

I made ten whole bucks with my rock!

I mean, look at these guys.

I mean, uh, we're just flesh and...bone.

I miss that sweet ass leg of mine.

I moved to Rome. Quit my job.

I never knew what the hell it meant.

I noticed he was using a new pick.

I noticed the guitars in the back seat of your car.

I passed later, but, you know, took me a couple of tries.

I recommend that you order some food.

I should have worn a condom.

I should use it tonight. I'm the lead singer.

I teach people how to drive while I deliver 'zas.

I think I lost em!

I think it might deactivate the lasers...

I think so.

I think that In Search of Sasquatch is on.

I think there's a light switch back here.

I think things are going to be a lot better.

I translated it. Took me six years.

I tried to get the Pick of Destiny once.

I used to be a guitar tech.

I wanna write a masterpiece.

I want it over here, in the newer, hotter part. Like

I was fucking starving.

I was just asking because...

I was just walkin' in your beautiful forest.

I was not a mistake.

I was thinking maybe there was something in that museum...

I will teach you.

I would break in again if I still had my leg.

I wrote with my partner.

I'll get you, Tenacious D!

I'll give you a power slide.

I'll have one small glass of carrot juice.

I'll ride along with you.

I'll take the fuckin' shoelace express.

I'll use it now, you'll use it later.

I'm a pizza delivery guy and a driving instructor.

I'm broke.

I'm fucking outta here.

I'm goin' in there and gettin' that pick.

I'm going to come over there.

I'm going to fucking stab you.

I'm gonna call it self defense.

I'm gonna get that son

I'm gonna go check out Punk.

I'm gonna go talk to the big cheese.

I'm gonna jump this fence here.

I'm gonna pop a fuckin' cap in their ass.

I'm in pursuit.

I'm in the air duct, dude.

I'm just checkin' in. Is everything OK?

I'm not complete.

I'm not freakin' out, you're freakin' out.

I'm not giving free guitar lessons today.

I'm not looking for anything specific...

I'm on my own.

I'm shaking right now, I'm so scared.

I'm surprised no one even chased us.

I'm working on my solo album right now.

I've had this birthmark since I was born.

I've never fired a gun before, it was unbelievable.

If he'd been here like we planned...

If we worked on our songwriting...

If we're gonna do this thing right...

If we're gonna do this, you gotta stay focused.

If you just move back, like I asked you earlier...

If you pass this test, your training is complete.

If you wanna shred with the big dogs, son.

In any rocker's arsenal?

In here.

In Search of Sasquatch is on.

In that order. I was just followin' the code.

In your hearts.

Instead of relying on ancient bullshit, but

Into a pick that would make the blacksmith play...

Into the Rock & Roll History Museum.

Into the Rock & Roll History Museum.

Is it?

Is the Pick...

Is there any way that maybe I could audition...

Is this really that important to you? Huh?

Isn't gonna make your rock any better...

It belongs to me!

It now resides in the Rock & Roll History Museum.

It slows you down.

It was OK.

It was the pick, it wasn't him.

It was, like, the greatest song in the world.

It was, wasn't it?

It's a chronicling of our rise.

It's a good thing I found these mushrooms.

It's a Ronnie James Dio song.

It's a sign.

It's all right.

It's an ancient scroll.

It's called Master Exploder.

It's evewyone's.

It's got some pretty, uh, breakthrough shit on it.

It's gotta be in the Guitar Gods room.

It's huge. We're never gonna find this thing.

It's just a five mile walk.

It's just part of his genius.

It's just slidin' on your knees.

It's not in there.

It's quite, uh, minimalist.

It's stuck to my butt.

It's the name of our fuckin' band, dude.

It's the only way.

It's time to get a real job.

It's, uh, Cop Chase 3. Have you seen it?

Jables! What's up?

Jack, wait! You got the pick?

JB, it's KG. Do you read me?

JB, wake up. JB, wake up!

JB! JB! JB! JB!

JB! JB! JB! JB! JB!

Jeez Louise, papa cheese.

Jerry, do me a favor, uh, ring up these amp casters for me.

Jesus. You call that music?

Juicy.

Just just come in from the wings.

Just be a second.

Just get outta my store.

Just rolled into town.

Kage. Kage?

Kid named Eddie.

Knock 'em dead at the meeting, you guys.

Kyle Gass Project?

Kyle Gass.

Ladies and gentlemen, Tenacious D!

Ladies and gentlemen, Tenacious D.

Ladies and gentlemen, the Kyle Gass Project!

Lasers.

Later, cock ass!

Later.

Lead guitarist comes out, starts shredding licks...

Learned Latin.

Let me show you something.

Let me wipe.

Let the simulation begin.

Let's blister this asshole.

Let's chow down, dude.

Let's clean this place up. What do you say?

Let's do this.

Let's fight his music with our music.

Let's finish this.

Let's fucking do it, Kage, go!

Let's get the fuck outta here.

Let's get the fuck outta here.

Let's get wid of these.

Let's go in there and show 'em what Tenacious D is all about.

Let's go now to Mark in Skycop

Let's go!

Let's go!

Let's go.

Let's hear that back.

Let's just be mellow, OK?

Let's just say you are planning...

Let's just work this out rationally, OK?

Let's see.

Let's take a dip in the stwawberry wiver!

Let's talk to the dude. We might have to special order it.

Let's watch TV, you wanna?

Lights!

Like a fuckin' ninja, dude.

Like a wee baby!

Like shit that had to be coming from somewhere else.

Listen to this.

Listen, fellas. I don't wanna fight. So if you don't...

Listen, man.

Listen.

Long ago, a dark wizard used his black magic...

Look at this. What is it?

Look!

Looks like they all use the same guitar pick.

Luckily, a blacksmith heard the beast's roars.

M'kay? They got nothin' on us.

Made of green ivory, or some shit.

Man, are you guys stupid.

Man, God!

Man, I don't know what to say.

Man, if you need a singer, I am so there.

Marcus, I need a price check on Ernie Ball amp caster stat.

Masterpiece is right in there.

Masterpiece.

Maybe

Maybe I should use it tonight and you use it next time.

Maybe it would be better for the D...

Maybe you are inexperienced...

Maybe you don't have what it takes to get the job done.

Me and KG wrote this song five minutes ago.

Mm.

Mm.

Mmm. Mm.

Monster mash!

My f former partner.

My leg. Oh, man.

My little snuggles.

My name's JB.

My name's JB.

My widdle baby Sass.

N No, wait! Co Come back here!

Needs a popping, my brother.

Neil Hamburger, everybody, Neil Hamburger.

Nice work, boys.

No fear.

No fucking mental blocks. Release the...

No problem.

No strangers allowed?

No way!

No, don't play fast. I said start fast.

No, dude, you don't...

No, you're so pretty, you get everything for free.

No!

No!

No! I'm not complete!

No! Leave it!

No. I just had the weirdest conversation of my life.

No. I never eat before a mission.

No. We're not comin' over there.

No. We're too close.

Nobody passes the gig simulator on the first time.

Nooo!

Nooo!

Not a fuckin' sound.

Not even this guy.

Not hard to remember. Just think, "My door is four."

Now check it out.

Now check this out.

Now drop and give me one cock push up.

Now let's rock it.

Now, can you play a little higher, higher, higher up?

Now, just let me hold it for one second!

Now, listen. Go down to Wake & Bake Pizza...

Now, look.

Now, toss that pick over here, nice and slow.

Now, you can stay out here and fight on the ground...

Of course.

Of Destiny.

Of the most massive record company in the business.

Of, like, the history of the band.

Oh ho ho ho!

Oh oh oh, yeah!

Oh, dude, I'm sorry.

Oh, fuck.

Oh, gimme that.

Oh, God damn it, it's too late!

Oh, God damn it, Kyle!

Oh, God!

Oh, God.

Oh, God.

Oh, I did it!

Oh, it's not my fowest, bwother.

Oh, my God! Sasquatch!

Oh, my God! You guys! What are you doin' here?

Oh, my God. We're sitting with someone famous?

Oh, no. I don't even know what you're talkin' about.

Oh, right, right.

Oh, yeah!

Oh, yeah. I hear you loud and clear.

Oh, you fucking dick!

Oh!

Oh! Aaaah! Aaaah! Aaaah! Aaaah!

Oh! Ha ha. Wee baby.

Oh! Hold up!

Oh! Let's get it!

Oh! Mwah!

Oh! Oh, God.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Ohh...

Ohhh!

Ohhh! Oh, man!

Ohhhh! Yeah. This is fun.

Ohhhhh!

OK, big shots.

OK, dude, don't freak out on me.

OK, that was the best thing I have ever seen.

OK, where?

OK? Like a gazelle.

OK.

OK.

OK.

OK.

OK.

OK.

Okay ka ssh!

On breaking into the Rock & Roll History Museum?

On breaking into the Rock & Roll History Museum.

On our way to see some shit in Sacramento.

One extra crispy coming up!

One more and that's it.

One, two, three.

Only the most masterful of melodies on his lute...

Ooh.

Oooh!

Ooooh!

Or I will cut you from hole to hole.

Or is it the single most powerful stage move...

Or you can go in there like friends and rock.

Our sorority is throwing a huge bash tonight.

Ow!

Ow!

Ow!

Ow!

Patience, young grass smoker. Patience.

Pick of Destiny!

Picks, picks.

Power hug.

Power slide!

Power slide.

Power slide.

Press record.

Press record. Press record.

Pretty cool.

Probably won't work anyway.

Pull both their hair...

Pull over. Pull over. It's cool.

Really?

Right here?

Right on. Come on in.

Satanus.

Security door came down on my leg.

Sex is a crucial component to the Kyle Gass Project.

Sex, drugs, and then rock & roll.

Shake your tushie, it'll fall off.

Shh.

Snakes!

Snivelling, boo hoo hoo!

So be it.

So I can't really talk to you right now.

So I started researching it.

So I'm sorry to say...

So it has supranatural qualities.

So it's kinda historical.

So one night, I'm working a gig up in New Jersey or something.

So they're both blind, there's blood everywhere

So they're punchin' up at me...

So you don't get lost.

So, good luck, buddy.

So, should I sing a song?

So, uh, what, uh, brings you...

So, what's it gonna be?

So?

Some kid catches it.

Some real mediocre band.

Sorry, I didn't mean to yell.

Sorry.

Sounds scary, though.

Spawns the birth of the blues. And rock & roll.

Speak of this to no one!

Stay where you are, then.

Stone Age man now had the muscle power...

Stop judging yourself, you're judging yourself.

Stop packing, dude.

Stop. Stop the music.

Sure! It's right over there!

Surrounded by lasers.

Take it to the head, bitch.

Taste my lightning, fucker.

Tell him you want the Bob Marley extra crispy.

Ten dollars' worth of weed.

Tenac?

Tenacious sound check initiated.

Thank you, my man.

Thanks, Mom.

That 15 years of trying to be a famous musician is long enough.

That blonde over there wants to ride my wrinklestick, yo.

That guitar was sold at auction.