American Beauty (1999) Edit

A commercial for how normal we are...

A girlfriend?

A little fucking discipline.

A simple cream could really lighten things up. You could even put in a skylight.

A substantial portion of the root structure was on our property.

About your product launch that isn't even covered in your press release, and I'd...

Actually, I'd like to fill out an application.

Against who?

Against you.

All I did was party and get laid.

All right. Hi, Shirley!

Almost nothing.

And another thing.

And as soon you've prepared a nutritious yet savory meal that I'm about to eat,

And he would always save the most random, weird things.

And he's an anesthesiologist.

And I can't feel anything but gratitude...

And I just snapped.

And I knew what they were thinking,

And I marvel that you can be so contemptuous of me...

And I only accept cash.

And I think he and your mother have not had sex in a long time.

And I would be a very...

And I... just pop off a few rounds.

And I'm just now waking up.

And I'm sure that some of our advertisers and rival publications...

And if you're careful, you can look right back.

And in a way, I'm dead already.

And it drove my mother nuts.

And it's become more important to you than living.

And it's disgusting.

And Janie.

And Janie.

And my heart...

And part of my job is to live that image.

And removing their ability to make us afraid.

And she used the card numbers and stayed at the St. Regis for, what was it, three months?

And some people might think that entitles me to half of what's yours.

And stop trying to hold on to it.

And that's his lover, Jim.

And the first time I saw my cousin Tony's...

And the new me whacks off when he feels horny...

And the next day at school, some kid made a crack about my haircut,

And the sooner you learn it, the better.

And then Connie Cardullo told me that his parents had to put him in a mental institution.

And then I remember to relax...

And then I'd fuck him until his eyes rolled back in his head.

And then it flows through me like rain,

And then one day, he was just, like, gone.

And then she cut down their tree.

And there was this electricity in the air.

And they're right.

And this bag was just...

And this incredibly benevolent force...

And what do you see?

And who's expendable.

And why does he dress like a Bible salesman?

And yellow leaves from the maple trees...

And you know it.

And you know what?

And you'll be surprised how much a ceiling fan can cut down on your energy costs.

And you'll never be a freak 'cause you're just... too perfect!

And you're boring, and you're totally ordinary,

And your mother seems to prefer that I go through life like a fucking prisoner...

And your personal sales record is...

And... Carolyn.

Angry, insecure, confused.

Any friend of Janie's...

Anytime. Lester?

Are you kidding?

Are you kidding? You just smoked with me last night.

Are you looking to just lose weight, or do you want to have...

Are you okay?

As if being driven to succeed is...

As you know, my business is selling an image,

Asshole.

Asshole.

At all times.

At Boy Scout camp, watching falling stars.

Bad night?

Be right there.

Beauty.

Beauty...

Because everything that was meant to happen, does... eventually.

Because I haven't.

Because it's beautiful.

Because of you and that way that you behave.

Because there's nothing worse in life than being ordinary.

Because you're old enough now to learn the most important lesson in life:

Because, frankly... and I don't think I'm alone here...

Beep me anytime, day or night.

Believe me, it couldn't possibly be any stranger than mine.

Bench presses.

Both my wife and daughter think I'm this gigantic loser.

Brad, for 14 years, I've been a whore for the advertising industry.

Brand new Firebird.

Buddy. I'm so sorry.

But don't worry.

But I did see this homeless woman who froze to death once...

But I know I didn't always feel this...

But I mean, hey, I don't flatter myself...

But I really don't need to have some psycho obsessing about me right now.

But in a way, I'm glad.

But it helps me remember.

But it is my philosophy that in order to be successful,

But it'd be nice if I was anywhere near as important to him as she is.

But it's hard to stay mad when there's so much beauty in the world.

But my dad interferes less in my life when I pretend...

But my dad just has this one thing.

But she's been practicing for weeks.

But surely you must have some sort of training program.

But those fags make me want to puke my fucking guts out.

But to me, he's just... too embarrassing to live.

But you know what?

But you were happy as long as I kept my mouth shut.

But...

But... I did support you when you got your license.

Buying pussy with company money?

Call my secretary. Have her schedule a lunch.

Can I give it to you in the morning? I just took a whiz.

Can you prove that you didn't offer to save my job...

Can't just go around doing whatever you feel like.

Carrying its own head, and then the head goes down on that babe?

Cave in.

Christ, Carolyn.

Christy left for New York this morning.

Colonel Frank Fitts, U.S. Marine Corps.

Colonel Frank Fitts, U.S. Marine Corps.

Come on! Get up! Come on!

Come on. You can tell me. Does he have a big dick?

Coming, Dad.

Considering the information I have about our editorial director...

Constantly reinforcing your new non...

Could he be any more... pathetic?

Cunt!

Cut her a deal, she keeps me in clean piss.

Dad and I had this huge fight.

Dad, leave us alone!

Dad, Mom's waiting for you.

Dad, no, I just...

Dad, you don't really think me and Mr. Burnham...

Damn it, get out! I don't ever want to see you again.

Dancing with me,

Did you ever see that movie where the body is walking around...

Did you steal his keys?

Do you get high?

Do you mind? I'm trying to work out here. Unless... you want to spot me.

Do you want a sip?

Doesn't that make you nervous, just quitting your job like that?

Don't get to tell me what to do...

Don't give a second thought as to who's going to pay the mortgage.

Don't give up on me, Dad.

Don't interrupt me, honey.

Don't you laugh at me!

Don't you mess with me, mister.

Don't.

Don't.

Eighteen. I just do these gigs as a cover.

Entire life behind things...

Ever again.

Ever.

Every guy there would stare at me when I walked in.

Every Thursday night: Red Lobster.

Everyone here is with their spouse or significant other.

Everything's okay.

Except for maybe the bugs. There aren't even any plants out here.

Excuse me?

Excuse me. Don't you live on Robin Hood Trail? The house with the red door?

Fight back, you little pussy!

Fine.

Fine. So don't pay me.

First of all, that one second...

First, I'm patriotic. Second, I love my country. And third, they nailed me.

For 15 minutes.

For every single moment...

For me, it was lying on my back...

For you, Brad, I got five!

For your actions and their solutions...

Forgive me, sir, for speaking so bluntly,

From now on, we're going to alternate our dinner music,

Get out.

Get up!

God. When I was your age, I flipped burgers all summer just to buy an eight track.

Good for her.

Good morning, Carolyn.

Good to see you again.

Gross. I hate it when my mom does that.

Gross. No.

Ha! How does it feel now?

Have you done something different? You look great.

Have you totally forgotten about her?

He doesn't want to go anyway. Let's go.

He hit me.

He is. If he just worked out a little, he'd be hot.

He shoots for Elle on, like, a regular basis.

He totally freaked and decided to send me to military school.

He was short on cash one night, so I let him pay me in trade.

He's a total asshole; he's got this crush on my friend Angela,

He's doing massive psychological damage to me.

He's not a bad man.

He's, like, so confident.

Hello? Hello?

Hello. This is Lester Burnham from Media Monthly magazine.

Her name's Jane.

Hey, guys.

Hey, I really enjoyed that.

Hey, Les. You got a minute?

Hey, that's how things really are.

Hey! Yo, Ricky.

Hey.

Hey. Wait.

Hi, Jane.

Hi, Lester Burnham.

Hi! Patty!

Hi. I'm ready to go. I'll meet you out front.

Hi. My name's Ricky. I just moved next door to you.

Hiring someone to kill your dad.

Honey, do me a favor and say whatever you want to say and spare me the propaganda.

Honey, don't be weird.

Honey... I am so proud of you.

How are you?

How can they be so shameless?

How come these faggots always have to rub it in your face?

How could he not be damaging me?

How dare you speak to me that way in front of her?

How did you get in there?

How much do you want?

How perfect is that? And he's basically there to make it seem they're justified...

How?

How? How?

How's her life?

Hush, Bitsy!

I already do hate my dad.

I am naked.

I am not joyless.

I am really tired of this Lawrence Welk shit.

I am sick and tired of being treated like I don't exist.

I am so sick of people taking their insecurities out on me.

I apologize for the way things look around here.

I can tell.

I can't believe you don't know how beautiful you are.

I didn't lose it. It's not like, "Whoops, where did my job go?"

I didn't say that. It's nobody's fault. It...

I didn't.

I don't believe him.

I don't care.

I don't eat bacon, remember?

I don't even try to touch you, since you made it so abundantly clear...

I don't get scared.

I don't know.

I don't know. It's been a while. Um, how much is an ounce?

I don't like how I look.

I don't mistreat you. I've never hit you.

I don't think my dad would try to come in while someone else is here, but you never know.

I don't think there's anything worse than being ordinary.

I don't think we can be friends any more!

I don't think you'd fit in here.

I don't want to be rude.

I don't want to end up hacked to pieces in a Dumpster somewhere.

I don't.

I feel like I can't take it...

I feel like I've been in a coma for about 20 years...

I feel so stupid.

I figured you guys might be able to give me some pointers. I need to shape up, fast.

I forgot to tell you. She's going to spend the night. Is that okay?

I go to school with your daughter.

I got that homeless woman on videotape.

I guess I could be pretty pissed off about what happened to me,

I guess we should cool it for a while.

I had always heard your entire life flashes...

I had my whole life ahead of me.

I have fast food experience.

I have lost something.

I have other sources of income.

I have over $40,000. I know people in the city that can help us get set up.

I have some tiki torches in the garage.

I have something I have to say to you.

I have to run next door.

I have to take a drug test every six months just to make sure I'm clean.

I hope you don't mind if I play the stereo.

I just love your roses. How do you get them to flourish like this?

I just... thought I should tell you...

I kind of remember this creepy incident where you were filming me last night?

I know you think my dad's harmless, but you're wrong.

I know.

I know.

I like a lot of music.

I love it! Oh! Oh!

I love root beer, don't you?

I mean,

I mean, calm down. Nobody's getting fired yet.

I mean, he didn't even, like, look at me once.

I mean, hello, you've barely even spoken to me for months.

I mean, your firm...

I must be psychotic then! If you don't complain, what is this?

I need a father who's a role model,

I need a father who's a role model, not some horny geek boy...

I need that Super Smiley with cheese ASAP!

I need to remember.

I quit, so you don't have to pay me. Now leave me alone.

I quit! Pass the asparagus.

I really think it'll happen for you.

I refuse to be a victim!

I refuse to be a victim.

I refuse to be a victim. I refuse to be a victim.

I said I think you're sexy.

I see you're smoking pot now. I... I'm so glad.

I see. You think you're the only one who's sexually frustrated.

I should probably go see what Jane's up to.

I should say hi to your dad.

I still like it. If people I don't even know look at me and want to fuck me,

I still want to do it.

I swear to God...

I take it he's got a thing for guns.

I think he's sweet.

I think maybe you forgot your medication today, mental boy.

I think using illegal psychotropic substances...

I think we deserve a little junk food after the workout we had this morning.

I think you just became my personal hero.

I thought you said I was beautiful.

I thought you two had a fight. I haven't seen her around here in a while.

I told you this whole thing about structure and discipline, right?

I traded it in.

I want you to be happy. Would you like Smiley Sauce with that?

I want you to meet somebody. This is Jane.

I want you to stop filming me.

I want you.

I wanted to kill him.

I was hoping you could give me a bath.

I was so stressed out. Ah!

I was thinking about the, uh... I was gonna... The movie we talked about.

I wasn't... better.

I will divorce you so fast, it'll make your head spin.

I will not sit back and watch my only son become a cock sucker!

I will sell this house today.

I will sell this house today.

I will sell this house today. I will sell this house today.

I wish I could tell her that's all going to pass, but I don't want to lie to her.

I wish things would have been better for you.

I would. I would suck your dad's big fat dick,

I would've... killed him...

I wouldn't have the heart to just cut down something if it wasn't partially mine, which, of course, it was.

I... am...

I... I need a urine sample.

I... I want to look good naked.

I'd go to dinner with my parents.

I'd like the Big Barn Burger, Smiley Fries and an orange soda.

I'd love to.

I'd rather you were dead than be a fuckin' faggot!

I'd really like to know, and she'd die before she'd ever tell me about it.

I'll be whatever you want me to be.

I'll bet she's going to resent it, and I'm missing the James Bond marathon on T.N.T.

I'll do that. Thank you.

I'll have a Double Smiley sandwich,

I'll throw you out of this house and never look at you again!

I'm 42 years old. In less than a year, I'll be dead.

I'm calling for Mr. Tamblin, please.

I'm facing a potentially very expensive divorce.

I'm going to get some ice cream.

I'm going to whale on my pecks, and then I'm going to do my back.

I'm going with Jane and her mom.

I'm great.

I'm great.

I'm in complete awe of you.

I'm just... I...

I'm looking for the least possible amount of responsibility.

I'm not a drunk. I don't fuck other women.

I'm not exactly sure what it is,

I'm not going to talk about his dick with you, okay? It's not like that.

I'm not obsessing. I'm just curious.

I'm not paying you to do whatever it is you're doing out here.

I'm not? Well, then, come on, baby. I'm ready.

I'm only trying to help you!

I'm Ricky Fitts. I just moved into the house next to you.

I'm serious, though.

I'm serious. He just pulled down his pants and yanked it out.

I'm so sorry my dad was weird tonight.

I'm sorry I haven't been more available.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I must've forgotten.

I'm sorry. What?

I'm still a little weirded out, but I feel better. Thanks.

I'm sure there've been amazing technological advances in the industry,

I'm trying to level with you.

I'm used to guys drooling over me.

I'm very, very dirty.

I've been baby sitting since I was about ten.

I've been too embarrassed to bring her over,

I've been waiting for you.

I've been writing for this magazine for 14 years.

I've got a very important appointment.

I've got almost $3,000.

I've gotta go to the bathroom.

I've wanted you since the first moment I saw you.

If he built up his chest and arms, I would totally fuck him.

If I had to go to New York to live, tonight, would you come with me?

If I let you blow me?

If they hadn't pulled me off.

If you have a problem with the plants, I can always call my landscape architect.

If you want any more, you know where I live.

If you'd ever be willing.

In case you wondered why I...

In firing somebody, because they couldn't just come out and say that, could they?

In front of your eyes the second before you die.

In the world.

Increased strength and flexibility as well?

Is a very positive example to set for our daughter.

Is a... friend of mine.

Is hands down the Rolls Royce of local real estate firms,

Is just going to...

Is she happy?

Is she miserable?

Is that a funeral?

Is that what we smoked last night?

Isn't a second at all.

It means I really have a shot at being a model.

It seems unfair to presume I won't be able to learn.

It started when I was about 12.

It stretches on forever,

It was about you.

It was okay.

It was one of those days...

It'll cost you.

It's 555 0199.

It's a dream come true for any cook.

It's a great thing when you realize you still have...

It's been a long time since anybody asked me that.

It's been six months already.

It's called G 13. It's genetically engineered by the U.S. government.

It's extremely potent, but a completely mellow high. No paranoia.

It's just business.

It's just... a... couch!

It's me.

It's never too late to get it back.

It's not mine.

It's okay.

It's okay.

It's okay.

It's okay. I'll walk. But thanks.

It's that psycho next door.

It's the weirdest thing.

It's very intimidating.

It's, like, official state china of the Third Reich.

It's...

Jane and I had a fight.

Jane left her geometry book in my bag, and she needs it to do her homework.

Jane not home.

Jane, honey, are you trying to look unattractive?

Jane, hurry up.

Jane, shh. What was that noise?

Jane, that's, like, almost a mile.

Jane, what if he worships you?

Jane. No way. He's a total lunatic.

Janie, today I quit my job.

Janie, what happened? We used to be pals.

Janie!

Janie...

Janie's a pretty typical teenager:

Janie's thinking about getting a car, too, soon, aren't you?

Jesus, man, you are shaking.

Jesus, man, you're soaked.

Jesus, what is it with you?

Jesus!

Jesus!

Jim Olmeyer. Two doors down. Welcome to the neighborhood.

Joyless?

Joyless?

Just $1.99 for a limited time only.

Just don't fuck my dad, all right?

Just filled with positive energy, huh?

Just for a second,

Just how unnecessary you consider me to be!

Just laying there on the sidewalk.

Just like I knew guys at school thought about me when they jerked off.

Just look at everything you have!

Just okay?

Just what sort of severance package is management prepared to offer me,

Know what I do when I feel like that?

Last time I saw you, you looked kind of wound up.

Lester Burnham. Thank you!

Lester,

Lester, could you make me a little later, please, because I'm not quite late enough.

Lester, I refuse to live like this!

Lester, this is important. I'm sensing a real distance growing between you and Jane.

Lester, you will not get away with this.

Lester, you're going to spill beer on the couch.

Lester?

Lester. I didn't know you ran.

Let's cut to chase, okay? What are you guys selling?

Let's go.

Let's just all sell our souls and work for Satan 'cause it's more convenient that way.

Let's just say things were a little... hectic around the house.

Like a little kid begging me to play with it,

Like an ocean of time.

Like the time that Mr. Flournoy used the company MasterCard to pay for that hooker,

Like you've never sneaked a peek at him in his underwear? I bet he's got a big dick.

Listen. Just do me a favor. Act happy tonight.

Look at me: jerking off in the shower.

Look at those arms.

Look, I wish that you hadn't witnessed that awful scene tonight,

Look, Mom, I really don't feel like having a Kodak moment here.

Look.

Look. I'm not going to sit here for that shit.

Lucky man.

Makes you wonder what else you can do that you've forgotten about.

Man, I haven't listened to this album in years.

Man, oh man, oh man.

Man, oh man.

Man... you are one twisted fuck.

Maybe you shouldn't, all right? Maybe I really don't want to hear about all that.

Me?

Might like to know about it as well, not to mention... Craig's wife.

Mine won't.

Mine. 1970 Pontiac Firebird,

Mom, do we always have to listen to this elevator music?

Mom, I want you to meet somebody.

Mom, nobody said anything.

Mom... I'm leaving.

My dad thinks I pay for all this with catering jobs.

My dad would kill me if he knew I was in here.

My daughter Jane. Only child.

My entire life is passing before my eyes, and those two have barely broken a sweat.

My heart fills up like a balloon that's about to burst.

My name is Lester Burnham.

My parents are coming tonight.

My parents will try to find me.

Never underestimate the power of denial.

Nice going, Dad.

Nice meeting you, Ricky. Thanks for the thing.

Nice suit.

No, Dad. It was spectacular.

No, I'm glad because, uh...

No, I'm not.

No, I'm serious.

No, no, I understand completely.

No, no. That would just be too honest. So they've asked us...

No, sir. I wanted to show my girlfriend your Nazi plate.

No, you're scared of me.

No.

No.

No.

No.

No. Have you?

No. No, we don't.

No. One of my clients is a locksmith.

No. You never drove it.

Nope.

Nope. I'm just an ordinary guy...

Not at all.

Not like what? Doesn't he have one?

Not really bad, just...

Not some horny geek boy who's going to spray his shorts...

Nothing makes you feel more powerful.

Nothing.

Now I know how you can afford all this equipment.

Now, for your halftime entertainment,

Now, I saw you with him.

Now, listen to me. This is an important business function.

Of being the sole breadwinner now.

Of course I was saving it up for a boob job.

Of course not. She doesn't want us to know how important this is to her.

Of course, I don't know that yet.

Of course, I got kicked out.

Of course.

Of course. He's a really well known photographer.

Of my stupid little life.

Oh, all right. So shoot me. I was whacking off.

Oh, Carolyn! Of course. How are you?

Oh, Christ. Mom.

Oh, could you be a little bit more dramatic, please, huh?

Oh, fuck.

Oh, God!

Oh, great. So now it's my fault?

Oh, gross!

Oh, I I don't need a ride.

Oh, I'm in trouble.

Oh, it's okay. I wouldn't remember me either.

Oh, morning!

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. What time is it?

Oh, oh, oh! And I want to thank you for putting me under the added pressure...

Oh, Ricky.

Oh, shit. They're home. Quick. Let's go up to my room.

Oh, sure. Times are tight.

Oh, we've met before, actually. This thing last year. Christmas at the Sheraton.

Oh, well, then I guess we'll just have to be bad, won't we?

Oh, what is this? Fuckin' gay pride parade?

Oh, what? You're "Mother of the Year"?

Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Oh, whoa. Well.

Oh, yeah!

Oh, yeah. I go to this little firing range downtown,

Oh!

Oh! Hi.

Oh.

Oh. Hi, Ricky Fitts. I'm Lester Burnham.

Oh. I'm sorry.

Ohh.

Okay, uh, we have to go.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay. Good to meet you.

On the same day that you lose your job!

On what grounds?

One must project an image of success...

One of my clients is a nurse in a pediatrician's office.

Only by taking full responsibility...

Ooh, is that root beer?

Ooh! Ha. Wow.

Or my grandmother's hands and the way her skin...

Or you're going to turn into a real bitch just like your mother!

Our marriage is just for show.

Please drive up to the window. Thank you.

Please let me in.

Probably out fucking that dorky Prince of Real Estate asshole.

Put up a fight, dude. You are such a pushover. "No, I can't, really. Okay."

Re Animator.

Really?

Remember those posters that said...

Ricky, uh...

Ricky! Breakfast!

Ricky?

Right?

Rockwell High's award winning Dancing Spartanettes!

Sedated.

See the way the handle on those pruning shears matches her gardening clogs?

See?

Seemed like paper.

She looked really sad.

She thinks she's in love.

She wasn't always like this. She used to be happy.

She's mad at me because...

She's really happy.

She's someone you use to feel better about yourself.

She's, uh...

Shit.

Shit. I bet he's filming us right now.

Shit. They're still here.

Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!

Shut up! Stop it! You weak... You baby!

Since it technically constitutes fraud.

Smile! You're at Mr. Smiley's!

Smile. You're at Mr. Smiley's.

Smile. You're at Mr. Smiley's. That'll be 4.98, please.

So are you. You've only been in Seventeen once, and you looked fat.

So now that you have a boyfriend, you're, like, above it?

So stop acting like you're goddamn Christy Turlington!

So tell me about being in the hospital.

So what? It's just a couch.

So what's up?

So you and psycho boy are fucking on, like, a regular basis now, right?

So, Janie, how was school?

So, this makes sense.

So, turn out the light when you come back to bed, okay?

So, we finally got new neighbors.

So, yeah, I'm sure you can understand our need to cut corners around here.

So.

Some sort of a character flaw.

Some.

Someone really should just put him out of his misery.

Someone really should just... put him out of his misery.

Sometimes I feel like I'm seeing it all at once and it's too much.

Sometimes there's so much...

Sorry. Hi. Lester Burnham. I live next door. We haven't met.

Spec tacular.

Stop it. Stop it.

Strange.

Sure.

Take care of Dad.

Thank you.

That can't be real.

That doesn't so closely resemble hell."

That house would never have sat on the market for six months.

That I'm even in the same league as you.

That lined our street.

That wanted me to know that there was no reason to be afraid...

That was the sound of you being a huge, disgusting pig.

That way management can assess who's valuable...

That you don't know, Mr. Smarty Man.

That'll be 7.98. Please drive up to the window. Thank you.

That's disgusting.

That's my wife, Carolyn.

That's not an accident.

That's not going to happen.

That's okay.

That's right. I was choking the bishop, chafing the carrot.

That's somebody who's going to get fired because Craig has to pay women to fuck him!

That's the day I realized that there was this...

That's the whole thing, Dad.

That's when my dad put me in the hospital.

That's why we're having everyone...

That's... what...

The "royal treatment," so to speak.

The ability to surprise yourself.

The ad said this pool was lagoon like. There's nothing lagoon like about it.

The car I've always wanted, and now I have it.

The day you die.

The only way I could save myself now is if I start firebombing.

The people who used to live there fed these stray cats, so they were always around,

The whole house...

Their sycamore? Come on.

Then I told my boss to go fuck himself, and then I blackmailed him for almost $60,000.

There happens to be a lot about me...

There is no decision. You just write the damn thing.

There's a whole subculture of people who collect this Nazi shit.

There's plenty of joy in my life.

They don't feel that's anything to be ashamed of.

They're such assholes. Why can't they just have their own lives?

They're trying to, you know, take an active interest in me.

They've hired this efficiency expert,

Things have changed since 1973.

This country is going straight to hell.

This hasn't been a marriage for years,

This is a $4,000 sofa,

This is a cement hole.

This is all I ever smoke.

This is for your own good, boy.

This is just stuff,

This is my first time.

This is my friend, Angela Hayes.

This is my life.

This is my neighborhood.

This is my street.

This is not a marriage.

This is not just a couch.

This is Ricky Fitts.

This is the secret to "Me Centered Living."

This is totally decent, and it's 300.

This is where my dad hides out.

This is your one chance to save your job.

This isn't life!

This kind of behavior is something to be proud of.

This living room is very dramatic.

This really doesn't concern you.

This really friendly guy named Brad...

This shit is top of the line.

This will be the high point of my day. It's all downhill from here.

To be an upstanding young citizen with a respectable job.

To flash the traffic helicopters?

To ourselves.

Too focused on my career.

Tsk. God.

Turn it over.

Uh oh. Mom's mad.

Uh, I don't know.

Uh, no, but thank you.

Uh, whose car is that out front?

Uh...

Uh... Lester!

Upholstered in Italian silk.

Video's a poor excuse, I know,

Wait till you see the native stone fireplace!

Wait.

Want me to kill him for you?

We can leave right after this, right?

We didn't even have our own house.

We got to get you a real man.

We have...

We really ought to get you out of these clothes.

We used to be happy.

We were on the same lunch shift when I was in ninth grade,

We'll always be freaks, and we'll never be like other people!

We'll leave it up to Carolyn. "You're going to take care of everything now, Carolyn?"

We've met before, but something tells me...

Wear a raincoat.

Welcome to America's Weirdest Home Videos.

Welcome to the neighborhood, sir.

Welcome. I'm Carolyn Burnham.

Well, actually, Janine is senior drive thru manager, so you are on her turf.

Well, all I know is I love shooting this gun.

Well, call me crazy,

Well, excuse me, but some of us still have blood pumping through our veins.

Well, good night, son.

Well, guess what. I've changed.

Well, honey, that's just nuts.

Well, I don't know about you guys, but I need a drink.

Well, I guess I'm not a very nice girl then, am I?

Well, I guess when you're all of, what, 16...

Well, I'll tell you: eggshells and Miracle Gro.

Well, I'm the only one who seems to be doing anything about it.

Well, it is.

Well, it was very nice meeting you, Angela.

Well, me too, son. Yeah. Me too.

Well, my phone just rang and I answered it, and somebody hung up.

Well, now I, too, need structure,

Well, oka...

Well, she certainly did take advantage of the lifestyle my success afforded her.

Well, that's true with every day except one...

Well, they can't put you away just for saying weird things.

Well, they were still mad at you for cutting down their sycamore.

Well, we're all under a deadline here. You see, there's some basic information...

Well, whatever. This is boring.

Well, why don't we go into the kitchen?

Well, you obviously have no interest in saving yourself.

Well, you want to know how things went in my job today?

Well, you'd better believe I'd hate my dad if he did something like that to me.

Well, your mom's the one who's embarrassing. What a phony.

Well...

Well... he is a tax attorney.

Well... I'll be seeing you around, then.

What a freak.

What a lame o.

What a lame o.

What a sad... old man you are.

What are you doing?

What are you doing?

What do you call this? Is this not a plant?

What do you expect?

What do you mean?

What do you say I throw in a little sexual harassment charge to boot?

What do you want?

What do you want?

What does he make you do?

What if he's got a shrine with pictures of you surrounded by dead people's heads and stuff?

What makes you sure she wants us to be there? Did she ask us to come?

What the hell do you think you're doing?

What were you looking for, huh? Money? Are you on dope again?

What?

What?

What?

What?

What?

What?

What's new in the world, Dad?

What's wrong?

Whatever happened to that girl...

Whatever. Management wants you gone by the end of the day.

When did you become so...

When I saw you two at the party the other night, you seemed perfectly happy.

When I was 15, my dad caught me smoking dope.

When I was your age, I lived in a duplex!

When this becomes your mantra,

When we're anything but.

When you first came here, I thought you would be hopeless, but you're a natural.

When you see something like that, it's like God is looking right at you,

Whenever I bring a girlfriend home from school.

Where did you get that?

Where it's a minute away from snowing,

Where's Jane?

Where's your wife?

Which I think would interest the I.R.S.,

Which is great,

While she keeps my dick in a Mason jar under the sink.

Who are you looking for?

Who is Tamblin? Does he exist? 'Cause he doesn't ever seem to come in.

Who used to fake seizures at frat parties when she got bored?

Who used to run up to the roof of our first apartment building...

Who's going to spray his shorts whenever I bring a girlfriend home from school.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Put a little more in there, cowboy.

Whoa!

Why don't you tell our daughter about it, honey?

Why don't you want to talk about it?

Why would you film that?

Why?

Why?

Why? So I could see what freaks you and Dad really are?

Why? What did he do?

Will someone please pass me the fucking asparagus?

Will you ever break free from the constant cycle of victimhood.

With nothing to lose.

Would you like to try our new bacon and egg fajita for $1.29 for a limited time only?

Would you like to try our new beef and cheese pot pie on a stick?

Wow, I was starving.

Wow, look at you. Have you been working out?

Wow!

Wow.

Wow.

Wow.

Write out a job description mapping out in detail how they contribute.

Y You got the wrong idea.

Y You know...

Yeah, c... can I ask you a question?

Yeah, let's bring in the laugh meter and see how loud it gets on that one.

Yeah, like 20 years ago.

Yeah, to you he's just another guy who wants to jump your bones.

Yeah, well, at least I'm not ugly.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You said you're partners, so what's your business?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah. Have you ever known anybody who died?

Yeah. I suppose.

Yeah. Okay. I'll leave my number.

Yeah. Would you?

Yeah. Would you?

Yes, of course.

Yes, sir.

Yes, sir. I'm sorry.

Yes, sir. She lives next door.

Yes, we are splitting up.

Yes, you are.

Yes, you were.

Yes.

Yes. According to her, I'm...

Yo, Ricky!

You are beautiful.

You are only a victim if you choose to be a victim. We all have the power...

You are so busted.

You are so grossing me out right now.

You are so... beautiful.

You are the most beautiful thing I have ever seen.

You can almost hear it.

You can be sure of that.

You can listen to whatever you like.

You can really tell.

You can't all of a sudden be my best friend just because you had a bad day.

You can't. There are rules in life.

You cannot count on anyone except yourself.

You cannot count on anyone except yourself.

You couldn't be ordinary if you tried.

You couldn't possibly care less, could you?

You don't care?

You don't feel naked?

You don't think I'm ordinary?

You gonna tell me?

You got to free up some cash. You got to spend money to make money.

You gotta see this one thing.

You guys can't be serious. You're just a kid, and he's, like, a mental case.

You have a car. That's great. That's great.

You have no idea what I'm talking about, I'm sure.

You have no respect for other people's things and for authority...

You have nothing to be sorry about.

You have such hostility in you.

You just don't know because you're this pampered little suburban chick.

You just tell me what you need.

You just... You drop it in the water, and it's done.

You know how lucky we are to have found each other?

You know I don't like locked doors in my house, boy.

You know I'm not serious, right?

You know that. How can you call it their sycamore?

You know what I mean.

You know, I probably wouldn't even tell you this if I weren't a little tipsy, but...

You know, I suppose technically I'm the competition,

You know, I watched you very closely. You didn't screw up once.

You know, I'd love to sit down with you and just pick your brain,

You know, if the Lomans had let me represent them instead of the Real Estate King,

You know, it's sad but true,

You know, saying "hi" to my monster.

You know, that's not a very nice thing to do...

You know, you could have some fun backyard get togethers out here.

You know, you don't always have to wait for me to come to you.

You like Pink Floyd?

You like... muscles?

You little bastard!

You must really hate him.

You need structure, yeah. You need...

You ready to go?

You should learn to roll a joint.

You should see me fuck. I'm the best piece of ass in three states.

You stare at her all the time like you're drunk!

You stay out of there.

You sure?

You total slut. You've got a crush on him.

You treat her like an employee. What?

You two deserve each other.

You two do whatever you want to do whenever you want to do it, and I don't complain.

You ungrateful little brat!

You want me to get Ricky? He's in Jane's room.

You want me to kill him for you?

You want to borrow it? Okay. It's up in my room. Come on.

You want to see the most beautiful thing I've ever filmed?

You were also good tonight, very... precise.

You were watching me?

You will someday.

You...

You... don't know?

You... think.

You'd rather he had the crush on you.

You're going to remember me this time.

You're kidding.

You're looking good, Mr. Burnham.

You're one to talk, you bloodless, money grubbing freak.

You're right.

You're too uptight about sex.

You've been working out, haven't you?

Your father and I were just discussing his day at work.

Your husband feels he can just quit his job, and you don't..."

Your wife is with another man, and...

Ah, it's for the best. Mm hmm.

Ah! Ah. Mm.

All I want... Oh, you don't complain? Oh, please! Excuse me!

All right, honey. I won't be weird. Okay.

And I star 69'ed, and I called you back. Well, I was in the shower.

Are you expecting anyone? No.

Because it was amazing. What's amazing about it?

Because you're my friend. She's not your friend.

Buddy! Buddy! Hi! Hi.

But you don't want to be unemployed. All right.

But your dad's actually kind of cute. Shut up.

Can you hold this for a sec? Sure.

Carolyn. Buddy.

Come on, Jane. I think I'm going to walk too.

Come on. Yes. Inside. Good morning, Jim!

Congratulations, honey. You were great. I didn't win anything.

curly fries and a vanilla shake. Make that two.

Did you know that? Thank you. I'm flattered.

Discipline. Yes, sir. Thank you for trying to teach me.

Do you know him? Yeah.

Do you need a ride? Are you crazy?

Do you party? Excuse me?

Do you want me to make you another one? No, no, no. I'm fine.

Excuse me. Sorry. I'm sorry. Pardon me.

From my job. Don't lie to me.

Fuck me, Your Majesty! Aah! Ohh!

Go away. Please.

Go fuck yourself, psycho! Hey, shut up, bitch!

Hello? Why'd you call me?

Hey. Hi, Mom.

Hi, Mr. Burnham. Hi.

Hi. Oh, my.

Hi. Remember Angela?

Hi. Welcome to the neighborhood.

Hi. I'm Lester, Janie's dad. Oh, hi.

How did you get in there? I picked the lock, sir.

How much? Two grand.

How would it look if I showed up with no one? You always end up ignoring me.

How'd you get in the Army? Sergeant, I got three reasons for being in the Army.

How's it going? Pretty decent, Mr. Burnham.

How's Jane? What do you mean?

Hush. What is wrong with you? That's our next door neighbor, Jim.

I already have a job. No, no!

I am happy, honey! You're not... Oh, that's Buddy!

I am so sorry to have kept you waiting. Oh.

I didn't mean to scare you. I just think you're interesting. Thanks.

I fire a gun. Really?

I have a car. You want to come with us? Thanks, but I have a car.

I just started. Good for you.

I rule! Uh huh. Where's the Camry?

I suck dick for money. Boy, don't start.

I swear I heard something. Yeah.

I tell you every detail about every guy that I fuck. Yeah.

I was filming this dead bird. Why?

I'm not going to be a part of this. Sit down!

I'm sorry. I must've locked it by accident. Mm.

I've never fired a gun before. Well, you've gotta try it.

I've never heard that. Man, I get exhausted just watching her.

If I had to leave tonight, would you come with me? What?

Is it okay if Angela sleeps over tonight? She's always welcome.

It wasn't gross. It was kind of cool. So did you do it with him?

It would've been majorly stupid of me to turn him down. You are a total prostitute.

It's disgusting! You better watch yourself,

It's just a little something from our garden. Except for the pasta.

It's nice to meet you. This is my partner... Jim Berkley, but call me J.B.

It's so good to see you too, Catherine. Carolyn.

Jane, he's a freak! Well, then so am I!

Lester, just stop it! No, no.

Mom. Hello.

Mom. Yes?

My husband, Lester. It's a pleasure.

No, sir, I won't fight you. How?

Oh, Lester... Honey, it's okay.

Oh, my God. Jane. What is it?

Oh, my God. That's the pervert who filmed me last night. Him?

Oh, yeah! What's good here? Nothing.

Pass the asparagus. Your father seems to think...

Please? Why not?

Re Animator. Yeah!

Really? Absolutely.

Really? Jane.

Right? Exactly.

She's just willful. She hates you too.

Shh. I'm sorry.

Shouldn't you have consulted me first? Hm, let me think.

Shut up! Come on.

So do I. Really?

So what are you girls doing now? Dad.

So, do you like your new house? I like it.

Solved. I mean, I think "lagoon," I think waterfall, tropical.

Sorry about my dad. Don't be. I think it's funny.

Sorry I'm late. No, that's quite all right, dear.

Thanks. Nice to meet you, Angela.

That sucks. No, actually it was great.

That was exactly what I needed... Mm.

That's unsubstantiated gossip. That's $50,000. That's somebody's salary.

There's no jobs for manager. It's just for counter. Good.

Two thousand dollars. I'm that good. Get out!

Very well, thank you. Hello, Christy. Hello.

Vomit. No. I liked it.

We can use my plastic surgery money. We won't have to.

We got that at Fallaci's. Right. It's unbelievably fresh.

We have a very healthy relationship. I see.

We were just at a seminar. Buddy, this is my... Her husband.

We... Nothing. We just wanted to say hi to our new neighbors.

We're going out for pizza. Really? Do you need a ride? We can give you a ride.

What are you doing? Honey, this is... Ricky Fitts.

What are you talking about? I've barely even spoken to her. Dad!

What do you want? One year's salary with benefits.

What is this? Urine.

What, other drug dealers? Yes.

What? Please! You are defending him. You love him.

What's going on here? Bend all the way down. Here comes the Bull of the Woods.

What's she doing in New York? She's moving there.

What's wrong? Nothing.

Where's Mom? Don't know.

Who's the King? Oh! You are!

Whoo! I gotta say, Mrs. Burnham,

With Jane? Yeah.

Would you like some Smiley sauce? No, no...

Yeah, you're right. Don't placate me like I'm your mother, boy.

Yeah. I'm Ricky Fitts. I just moved in the house next to you.

Yes. Congratulations. You've succeeded admirably.

You don't have to pay now. I know you're good for it. Thanks.

You don't think it's weird and kind of fascist? Possibly.

You got any papers? Yeah, in the cigar box right over there.

You know, like, "Say hello to Mr. Happy." Gross!

You like getting nailed by the King? Oh, yes, I love it!

You mean that. You're damn straight I do!

You need more than that, my little hombre. May I take your order?

You spoil her. Bitsy, no bark. Come inside now. Me?

You want to have, like, 10,000 of his babies. Shut up.

You were masturbating. I was not.

You'd be out of your mind to go with him. Why do you even care?

You'll end up living in a box on the street. I'm no more a kid than you are.

You've been here how long? A whole month? I'm one of the good guys, Les.

...disinvesting problems of power...

'cause you're obviously not going to help me out in that department.

"and at least once a day retiring to the men's room...

"Everything? You don't mind having the sole responsibility?

"Growing"? She hates me.

"I refuse to be a victim."

"In order to be successful, one must project an image of success at all times."

"my contempt for the assholes in charge...

"My job consists of basically masking...

"so I can jerk off...

"Today is the first day of the rest of your life"?

"while I fantasize about a life...

"Yes. I don't mind."