Man with a Plan (2016) - Season 4 Edit

A And we promise that we will never get involved

A bottle of wine in the other!

A can of shrimp?

A cougar needs to hunt.

A dad's got to do what a dad's got to do. Sometimes you have to be the bad guy.

A different lifestyle?

A dog that could see into other dimensions.

A drink?

A Happy Burger wrapper!

A job comes along that is truly horrific, like five hours of dress shopping.

A lady so boring she was named after a tree.

A little bit, yeah.

A little. Nothing dangerous. I just need time to run a few errands.

A man's life expectancy would be 30

A nice bottle of wine and a couple of dead mice?

A sibling relationship has a lot in common with a spousal relationship,

A tale of two hats.

A volcano's bad enough, but a supervolcano will take your head right off.

A waitress came to our table and she said,

A woman so boring she was named after a tree.

A woman so perfect, her only mistake was having a second son.

About my birthday.

About the waitress you love so much?

About you giving yourself strep throat when Teddy was sick.

Absolutely not.

According to that, you have one son with three arms.

Act like a family, for God sakes.

Actually, if you want to get closer to a woman,

Actually, this time I talked.

Actually, yes, there is something we can do.

Adam and I always wanted to meet nudists. We have so many questions,

Adam Burns, parent/legal guardian.

Adam got strep throat, and part of me thought he enjoyed it.

Adam is talking about the dish best served cold.

Adam lied to me?

Adam puts too much pressure on himself,

Adam told me that he and Joe

Adam, 20 years ago, you made a promise to me

Adam, a boat doesn't have feelings. It's a boat.

Adam, Andi, I'm Dr. Felicia. Come on back to my office.

Adam, I think we need to do some real soul searching here, you know?

Adam, it sounds like some of this is resonating for you.

Adam, we were supposed to be teaching him a lesson,

Adam, what's happening?

Adam, what's important

Adam, where's your father?

Adam, you risked your most important relationship for this,

Adam, you seem stressed.

Adam, you're so funny.

Adam!

Adam!

Adam?

Adam? Adam, I just got off the phone with my doctor

Adam? It's Lowell. I did a bad thing.

Adam.

Adam.

Adventurous, but safe.

After dinner, I'll go to bed, and you can talk to her.

After I asked the school nurse to the eighth grade formal.

After my divorce, I was alone so much,

After we didn't ditch them.

After what Adam said this morning.

After you took all the pressure off me,

Again?

Agreed. That is a bad time for a commercial break.

Ah, always remember two words, "Just kidding."

Ah, I I can't.

Ah, it'll be okay. We'll just get her drunk. [chuckles]

Ah, look who's here.

Ah, that would require Teddy taking one thought,

Ah, there she is.

Ah, this is such a surprise. [chuckles] You're here.

Ah, you're gonna have to be more specific.

Ah!

Ah.

Ah. Good morning.

Ah...

Ahoy, Captain.

Alice, let's dance.

All he wanted to do was sit in his teacher's lap.

All I know is Joe lied about where he was the other night, and Adam's helping him.

All right, boy. Look like a guy who really needs a boat.

All right, fine.

All right, girls, I'll take you.

All right, here's one for you, too.

All right, I got something.

All right, I want to go with him.

All right, I'll be right back. Don't move.

All right, I'll do it.

All right, I'll touch her. I don't want to be rude. [chuckles]

All right, let's get going, Bev. I feel like fish sticks for dinner.

All right, let's get to work. You have Jen's e mail password.

All right, let's think about this.

All right, Lowell, I need your help. You are my most trustworthy friend.

All right, no need to hurt people's feelings here.

All right, no one's home. I'm gonna check if my dad's hat is here.

All right, nobody likes that guy.

All right, now you just need to shift the conversation

All right, smart guy, military school's off.

All right, so all I have to do is get Andi to suggest a boat.

All right, so everybody get out, and we'll start over again.

All right, so we'll tell Lowell the news, and then you will make him feel better

All right, so...

All right, that's it. [sighs]

All right, we're here because someone took my boat out,

All right, you can pay me back with some elbow grease.

All right, you go there.

All right! All right.

All right.

All right.

All right. Don and I will go down to the Bainbridge

All right. I'll ask your brother.

All right. I'm taking off.

All right. It's report card day.

All right. Keep an eye on him.

All right. Using underhanded means to get what I want. Now, this feels like me.

All right. Wait a minute. Let's not go bananas.

All the teen moms in Pittsburgh get their start right here.

All you did was fill it with these pillows.

Along with other roadside attractions,

Already took two. Kids are at school.

Also, Marcy didn't really hurt her ankle.

Also, there was no O'Bannon job.

Although I don't know why I would. She never tells me anything.

Although these do help.

And all your yelling is just convincing me even more that I'm right.

And also because I put a tracking app on her phone.

And away we go.

And by the way, I shouldn't even know you haven't been fooling around,

And can I just say that you look beautiful,

And certain numbers you have to do outside.

And damn it, we love you!

And Don and I are taking you out to dinner to celebrate.

And Don doesn't know how to do the work, but Dad can tell him.

And drove us to our next campsite.

And ever since then, it's been one long striptease

And every winter, Marcy hoses down her front walk so people slip on the ice.

And find out if there is something she has secretly always wanted to do.

And from now on, I will try to be more sensitive to your feelings.

And get this, she's a year older than him.

And I am not letting this go until I get one.

And I believe this is the moment you referred to as "go time."

And I bought us some fake candles so that we don't start another sex fire.

And I can't say it until you say your thing.

And I can't stand it!

And I didn't tell her everything. I didn't say a word

And I don't appreciate her making you tell me things.

And I figured, why not be the best Jessica?

And I found just the right person to make sure you do.

And I had to sit in the library with Mrs. Branch,

And I have this candle in one hand and...

And I have to take it because of one promise I made in a church 20 years ago.

And I just want to remind you that you made a promise.

And I know where she keeps her diary.

And I know you got matching blue hats to wear when you did it.

And I know you put a lot of pressure on yourself about these things.

And I like your new hairdo, Andi.

And I love when you show your sensitive side.

And I saw a documentary on a marching band that got sucked up by a twister.

And I thought about what you said.

And I thought it was you because I found your hat.

And I was in trouble a lot. I had a full mustache in fifth grade.

And I was like, and I wrote this down so I'd remember it,

And I will get my "after."

And I will love you until the end of time.

And I won't have anybody to celebrate with.

And I would make the argument that of the two,

And I, for one, am a very satisfied customer.

And I'll bring Andi with me.

And I'll just say this: Everything is on the table.

And I'll put a hint to it in my nightstand.

And I'm not gonna take it anymore, because I am a door.

And I'm the one who told him

And I've already made some very special plans.

And I've had a lot of dates end with a friendly handshake.

And if a guy calls you after 10:00, he only wants one thing.

And if a guy calls you before 10:00, he's just trying to beat the other guy.

And if he agrees with you, I will drop this boat idea forever.

And if I see you around here again, I'll give you a smoky eye

And if I was a stripper, you'd be paying full price.

And if it'll save time, I will put my own nuts in that box.

And if you do cheat, she's not gonna like that either.

And if you don't, that's the state of Pennsylvania talking. Not me.

And if you get there before dark, they let you slide down it.

And if you had fallen for one of those, we wouldn't even be here.

And if you like Teddy,

And if you want to get anywhere, you gotta come through us.

And in sexier news, Adam and I were mistaken for strippers.

And instead of telling her mom she makes her crazy, Andi puts me in the middle.

And it has a gummy jalapeño in it.

And it just made me think that maybe we're not setting the best example.

And it stops now. [snaps fingers]

And it was so smart of you to save money by not buying flowers.

And it was the greatest feeling in the world.

And it won't stop Kate from helping him.

And it worked. Ha!

And it's a little delicate.

And it's all thanks to you.

And it's really uncomfortable.

And it's worse because I'm dressed like one.

And last night, I had to stay at the hospital for some pre op tests.

And last Thursday Frank sneezed too loud, and I just had it.

And magic can't be faked.

And make her think I kept it.

And me freaking out just made Kate dig her heels in even more.

And my shampoo.

And next week, at Jeremy's roller skating party,

And no longer feel comfortable naked.

And no sitting on the bed.

And nobody was getting any sleep, I brushed my teeth with his toothbrush.

And none of those will ever come anywhere near my favorite friend.

And now Adam is working the same scam to get a boat.

And now is when you apologize for always excluding me.

And now it's here.

And now my friends think he's weird.

And now she says I'm cut off in the bedroom

And now that things are resolved between you two,

And our pack is scarier 'cause we got the T. rex.

And perfect for each other, that there was magic.

And pick up dinner and [gasps]

And scream it to the world.

And second of all, you could never be less of a man to me.

And she promised not to yell "girl" anymore.

And she says you don't romance her.

And she thinks she's ready for her DMV road test.

And she was trying to get rid of the evidence.

And since you're dating the cat groomer, the four of us could be couple friends.

And some guy was selling his bass boat real cheap in the parking lot,

And stay with Dad while I go put out this fire.

And that "no" sticks?

And that bird got the best sleep of his life.

And that this thing did me no good.

And that's just a good rule in general.

And that's when I knew it was right.

And the doctor just took it away.

And the first ten customers get lots of free stuff.

And the handlebars came off?

And the kids who did homework will get nice, cushy office jobs

And the lies are the bananas they give you every couple of miles.

And the only one thoughtful enough to plan that for me is my favorite person.

And then Adam tells me to make coffee because he'll "be right there."

And then he lied about it. Yeah. He did that. While we were married.

And then he panics and comes up with some weird idea.

And then pick me up the next day.

And then sleeping with other people who ate beans in an airtight box.

And then some sap comes along, smokes a jazz cigarette and says,

And then we go to Jalapeño Kevin's?

And then we would've thought it was funny.

And then you're dead.

And then, of course, there was the end.

And then, when I wake up, all the bad stuff will be over.

And there are no villagers there to see him get eaten,

And they don't look like a couple of ankle doctors.

And they give you unlimited juice.

And they were standing there holding a boom box over their heads.

And they're good with words that make you feel bad. Like "appalled."

And they're into some kinky stuff.

And to think I almost wore matching hats with you.

And try that new restaurant, Jalapeño Kevin's?

And turn it into a neat stack of bricks on the pallet over there.

And usually on the way, I pick up a burger.

And we are never gonna talk about it again.

And we decided that she was old enough to go to the mall by herself,

And we had to sit there for three hours

And we have to use that to take back control.

And we just found out they learned how to work in packs.

And we were like, "Meh," you know?

And we're enlightened, so we don't feel anger.

And we're like, "Whoa."

And we've decided what needs to be done.

And wear a tank top and gym shorts so he knows it's me.

And what better way to surprise you

And when I get back, all the messiness will be over.

And when I say "I," I mean you made me feel bad.

And when I say "we," I mean you.

And when I was running home, trying to keep my dress down...

And when you hear this,

And where better to do that than not here?

And yet the murdering continued.

And you don't want to change that story?

And you haven't heard the best part.

And you know what that is?

And you let me lie to you while you were lying to me?

And you rode all the way home with your head out the window like a dog.

And you seem perfectly comfortable with that.

And you still didn't say anything!

And you used to be married to Frank. We're halfway there.

And you want to have kids with some new woman?

And you were in the middle.

And you. You get your hands off my man.

And you're okay with that?

And you're proud of this?

And you're sitting down and he's standing up,

And you're still married. It's a mystery.

And you've been so wonderful to me from the first moment that we met.

And your phone works. Interesting. I made six pots of coffee!

And, Don, the house you bought was the pork chop you threw at my head.

And, yes, I will be taking the survey after.

And?

Andi doesn't have to take care of Marcy, so she takes the girls shopping.

Andi had to go off the pill, and none of the other options are good.

Andi is not gonna like this surprise.

Andi loves theater. Everybody knows that. So I'll take her to a play.

Andi, everything looks beautiful.

Andi, honey, you have to believe me.

Andi, if you want to say something, say it.

Andi, it's our 20th anniversary. I want to go the extra mile.

Andi, okay, I gotta come clean.

Andi!

Andi?

Andi's going to be home soon. Open that drawer.

Andi's got lots of pictures of owls in here.

Andi's home. I'd better warn her outside, away from anything breakable.

Andi's onto us. You have to come to the hospital

Anybody?

Anyway, can you give me a ride to the SATs Saturday?

Anyway, that's what can happen to you.

Anyway.

Apart from the crippling guilt.

Apologize?

Are Are you okay?

Are we the worst people in the world? No.

Are you Chef Boyardee or Bruce Lee?

Are you feeling anything?

Are you guys Buddhists too?

Are you not coming to work anymore? It's been two days.

Are you okay? I know RVs aren't really your thing.

Are you on drugs?

Are you saying that my only contribution to this house is pillows?

Are you sure you want to do this?

Are you trying to tell the neighborhood you've given up?

Around something she didn't know I knew about her.

Arthur, DMV clerk/hedge fund playboy.

As far as I'm concerned, she could stay here forever.

As soon as I saw you behind the wheel...

As soon as you called me a man, I knew I was in trouble.

As the universe giving me a sign that we were meant to be...

Ask if they validate parking.

Ask me some trivia questions.

Asking them to love us.

At 3:00 in the morning?

At a doctor's office.

At first, I was really mad that you embarrassed me.

At least he didn't get the beans, so we'll eat these for dinner.

At least you weren't hunting owls.

At one point, a bald eagle landed on the basket.

At some point, kids stop doing their homework.

At the auction, I made all the decisions,

At which point I needed a boat.

Attention! I, Kate Burns, hereby quit this job because I have to go to college.

Aw, of course I can, my little working girl.

Aw, thank you, Bev.

Aw, well, I'm happy for you.

Aw, you don't have to rub it in.

Aw. Honey, what's wrong? Are you okay?

Aw. Thanks for making us talk, Adam. You know, you did this.

Aw. That's sweet. I thought you were just cheap.

Aw. Wait, there's Marcy.

Aw. You did it. [chuckles] You yelled it, but you did it.

Babe, we have no reason to be.

Bachelorette party?

Back off, Karen. You know, you, you are a bad influence.

Bandi. The best Andi.

Be my guest.

Because all your stuff's out there. Come on! Come on.

Because he has those big, sad eyes.

Because he was a ringer, a phony, a fraud.

Because I didn't think our baby was ready to go out into the world alone.

Because I didn't want to go to the mall, and I thought I could use that.

Because I didn't want to hurt your feelings.

Because I feel so much pressure about the business.

Because I had to be perfect to convince myself that I was happy.

Because I have no idea where I left my wallet.

Because I realized if I ever needed it, you could do it.

Because I've known about the pacemaker all day.

Because if you hit her with a knee jerk "no"

Because it works.

Because it's Jalapeño Kevin's.

Because it's too well done or not well done enough.

Because it's you and me, together, without Don,

Because no man wants to say that.

Because of the shadow government.

Because she told me to.

Because the answer to that can't be "forever."

Because the thing I couldn't tell you is over.

Because the villagers don't believe him when the wolf shows up.

Because there's something bottled up inside you.

Because they think a cat is stuck in the wall?

Because this is Jurassic Park,

Because tonight she surprised me with a booty call.

Because we came to this country as Pilgrims

Because we couldn't leave before Don and Marcy.

Because we don't have a boat.

Because we stopped noticing what was so great about them.

Because without our no, it's chaos.

Because you exclude me.

Because you'd all drown in Jacuzzis filled with beer.

Because your grandparents split up, all right?

Because, uh, I need to talk to you about something,

Bedtime.

Been there.

Before I hit the cat groomer phase of being single.

Before this, I don't even think I could say "bra" to you.

Before you fired up your propaganda machine.

Being able to do it whenever I want is the whole reason I got married.

Believe me, if there was a solution, we would have found it.

Besides all the love.

Bessica.

Bev Burns is a wonderful woman.

Bev runs this family.

Bev told me.

Bev, are you meeting Joe's needs?

Bev, do you think your system was healthy for your boys or your relationship?

Bev, I want to talk to you about the party.

Bev, there you are. I've been looking all over for you.

Bev, this is fun!

Bev? I had Sweet Treats bakery recreate the cake from your wedding.

Book the test.

Boy, I am glad I got married

Boy, I gotta tell you, Lowell. This really hurts.

Brakes are good.

Bring the thunder, baby.

Brunch. Because you can drink in the morning

Burns Brothers Construction will not be flipping that house.

But But But what about your future?

But can't go in? [scoffs]

But Dad, you're always inviting Don over here to do stuff.

But delightful to watch.

But did we settle on a price for me not telling Teddy about it?

But don't don't worry, we'll be fine.

But everything worked out. Look at us! We're in love.

But first, Adam,

But Frank's got a winner with that car wash.

But Grandpa says they always short him a couple.

But he didn't want anyone else to know, especially Don.

But he is definitely suspect number one.

But he really went to Vegas for the weekend?

But here I am, going to pick up Teddy at soccer,

But hey, hey. Andi can't know.

But I already have one, so I don't need college.

But I am mad. Don and Marcy cheated on us!

But I am not.

But I bet with your help I could nail it.

But I bet your new mom will agree with me.

But I can straighten you out right here.

But I can tell it's true 'cause it is not going well.

But I can't help myself.

But I didn't know it was such a big one.

But I didn't tell him what's going on. I mean, nothing's going on!

But I didn't want you to worry about me worrying about you,

But I don't want to get that blue stuff on my nice auction shirt.

But I forgot I was with this family.

But I got to be honest, you are right in the middle

But I have to lie to Andi.

But I haven't even done the thing

But I haven't told you.

But I invented these. It's Tater Tots with cheese and hot sauce.

But I just need something to push it over the top.

But I like being a person.

But I only want to eat for a day. Give me my fish, Lowell.

But I started counting at 98.

But I think you can only do that from Apple headquarters.

But I want to be in it so bad.

But I wanted to surprise you with my own idea.

But I was just telling Marcy that, um...

But I wasn't allowed to hear the rest because Joe is shoe intolerant.

But I will leave you with this final thought.

But I'd be willing to share that with you.

But I'm in that family. Why didn't they invite me?

But I'm well aware it's our 20th anniversary,

But I've always been the one who took care of everything.

But if he had thumbs, I bet he would have written a note.

But if you're gonna have girls over, which, congratulations...

But in this situation, we have the benefit of clarity.

But instead, you did all the work.

But isn't the guilt I'm feeling punishment enough? I think so.

But it has "Kevin" in it, so I know it won't be too spicy.

But it might be worth making some changes since Dr. Chuck said so.

But it turns me on so much.

But it turns out I'm deathly allergic to cats.

But it was gone.

But it was your idea.

But it's a big step forward.

But it's not just what you say, it's how you say it.

But it's only 6:30.

But it's still a great memory.

But Lowell's a grown man. You need to let him make his own choices.

But Marcy cooks dinner. If I cook it, there'll be two dinners.

But my muscles were real and so were my feelings for you.

But my thing is "I accept your apology."

But nobody believes you.

But not this marriage. No, no, no. Every moment with you is a gift.

But nothing. I just thought he did a nice job describing it.

But now it's too open.

But now let's see if there's an underlying cause.

But now my birthday will always be the day my boys' relationship ended.

But now that I know more about you, I think we should lower our expectations.

But now that I'm a parent, watching it happen to you...

But now you do. Go on the cruise, it'll be fun.

But now you're wearing it, which means this is bigger than I thought.

But now, you're just avoiding her.

But on the way here, I realized, I can tell you everything,

But on the way home, we realized we already love you.

But once they talk to the doctor, they relax.

But only for the love of my father.

But she cheated on me.

But Teddy's not.

But thank you, and I know you'll do great.

But thanks for stopping at the mini mart.

But that got me in the door.

But that's my favorite show, and I always have to watch it alone.

But that's the best pill.

But the doctor did recommend one thing

But the one you just gave me is.

But the party needs to be perfect or she'll be disappointed.

But the thing is, I've left Andi's father.

But the two of you won't shut up about it.

But then I thought you wouldn't have made such a big deal

But then we got involved and ruined everything.

But then you screamed at me from the heart.

But there could be some fumes.

But there's a lot of lookie loos walking their dogs.

But they still speak like fourth years,

But this is 100% true!

But this is your only chance to yell "nice jugs" without getting in trouble.

But this looks like you're not trying at all.

But this reminds me of when my ex was cheating on me.

But to get the decisions, I also have to have the pressure?

But we already had babies. And we don't need any more.

But we don't know anybody here.

But we don't mean anything by it.

But we have no idea where she is.

But we saw you from across the room and thought maybe we should be friends.

But we should never, ever do this again.

But we still can't have sex.

But we went by, and they weren't there.

But we're not ready.

But what I'm hearing is,

But what's our second favorite thing to do in the bedroom?

But when a lion's chasing you, you can run a little faster.

But when I look out in the driveway and don't see a boat there,

But when she didn't, I thought she was ignoring me,

But with one small adjustment.

But you have inspired me.

But you have to work together.

But you know where I'm a captive audience?

But you pretended to take care of her so you could get out of going to the mall.

But you whiffed.

But you work for the man. You're his stooge.

But you're not saying it like it's a compliment.

But you're over her now?

But you're so pretty when you say it, so you say it.

But your hands aren't clean either. You knew Marcy wasn't sick anymore,

But, Joe, you're married to Bev.

But, um, it's good,

But, you know, it just didn't seem fair.

But...

But...

Buy 'em anyway, though. We'll see.

By any chance, is she marrying a guy named Lowell?

By next week we'll be seasick, sunburned and peeing in a lake, like God intended.

By telling him how much he means to you as a friend.

By the way, Parker told me that you tried to feed him spaghetti.

Can I come sit with you guys yet?

Can I have $20?

Can I talk to Grandma?

Can my Build A Bear have his shorts back?

Can we afford Harvard? No. Right in the sweet spot.

Can we still go out for ice cream even though she said no?

Can we talk outside?

Can you believe this? We know you're lying.

Can you drive this rig home?

Can you get your hands on an ice cream truck?

Can you give us a couple minutes alone?

Can you take him to your place and fix him up?

Can't drink beer and pee off the side of a family, though.

Can't say I'm gonna miss the stories.

Can't sleep 'cause you're upset about Don?

Can't we just do something with this license?

Care to tell me what happened back there?

Case closed, we got him.

Check it out. You got to cook what you kill.

Cheese and crackers.

Chuck can't save you now.

Chuck's not here. Run!

Clinically speaking, Adam, you're super wrong.

Come guess what kind of meat it is with me.

Come on, Bev. Reverse engines.

Come on, Detective Handsome. Let's crack this case.

Come on, go for it.

Come on, Grandpa.

Come on, Joe.

Come on, let's get a boat!

Come on, tight pants.

Come on, you don't get it, man.

Come on! Come on.

Come on. Hug your husband.

Come on. It's funny.

Come on. Once more for me?

Come on. This place is full of lonely couples.

Come to the hospital. I'll prove it.

Cool, cool.

Copy that.

Correct. Next.

Could we improve? Probably not.

Cute.

Dad and I have to have a private meeting about that.

Dad said no, but I think they look fine.

Dad was just faking it to get Alice to leave.

Dad would never get a pacemaker and not tell me.

Dad, I need you to tell Andi the truth about where we were tonight.

Dad, I thought you and Marcy had a shadow government.

Dad, will you just tell me what's going on?

Dad!

Dad?

Dad?

Dad? I want to talk to you Oh.

Dad's eyes got big, and Mom's lip trembled.

Dad's teaching me about girls.

Dead grandpa's homemade chair, Adam.

Deep down, they're all teachers.

Did he give you a can of shrimp and no way to open it?

Did he think we were gonna buy that "lifestyle" stuff?

Did the talk with my mom not go well?

Did we? 'Cause Teddy's not even here anymore.

Did you choke it out so I could see your soft and gentle side?

Did you get a lap dance from a Smurf?

Did you lose a bet?

Did you see that?

Did you tell him about the time Don said he was going to the car wash

Did you use a Groupon?

Did you...

Dinnertime, grunt.

Disappointed? I'm having vodka and waffles.

Do Do that thing where you unbutton my buttons.

Do it in the bathroom when your wife's not home like the rest of us!

Do it, Andi.

Do it. Press it.

Do we know you?

Do you have to hold your pencil like that, all sexy?

Do you know what blankets hide?

Do you know what they do in that room? It is barbaric!

Do you like Teddy?

Do you mind if I, uh... if I look at your wedding album?

Do you really want to know, or do you want to just enjoy the magic?

Do you see it?

Do you think Andi seemed happy when she saw the RV?

Do you think he messed up on purpose, knowing I would take over?

Do you think he'll come back?

Do you think she's having a good time?

Do you think they took your boat together?

Do you?

Doctor has a knife, I have a knife. Fair is fair.

Does it involve a supervolcano?

Does it?

Does no one see that?

Doesn't mean she wants to get back together.

Doing stuff without Don.

Don and Marcy don't know what they lost, okay?

Don and my dad acted like they didn't even know what I was talking about.

Don bought a house we didn't agree on, so he got a slushy in his lap.

Don carries pocket bacon.

Don does paint a bleak picture.

Don found him?

Don probably loves me.

Don told Marcy everything.

Don took it.

Don, Adam, and Joe are up to something.

Don, cut it out.

Don, give Adam your snacks.

Don, how did you know Marcy wanted to go on a balloon ride?

Don, Marcy, come on back. I'm Dr. Felicia.

Don, maybe you could talk some sense into Teddy, huh?

Don, there you are.

Don, you be Madison.

Don, you can't quit.

Don's favorite place.

Don's house doesn't look bad. It's got a cute bay window.

Don't answer. Just curl up into a ball.

Don't ask. He's got a theory.

Don't be. With your good looks and my hours of lonely research,

Don't blame yourself. We were in shock.

Don't do this to me tonight, Andi.

Don't get cocky. You started this.

Don't get too excited. I'm just keeping my options open.

Don't get your hopes up. We don't have those.

Don't listen to them. Listen to me.

Don't make me choose sides. I pick you.

Don't question me about space, Marcy. I'm an expert.

Don't raise your hands, or they'll think you're bidding.

Don't stand there and watch the ball leave the park.

Don't think of it as bad chicken. Think of it as freedom chicken.

Don't think of me as Mom, just think of me as a random customer

Don't underestimate me.

Don't worry about it. I've got a guy.

Don't worry, I got this.

Don't worry, Teddy. We'll figure this out.

Don't you say that.

Dr. Chuck always sides with me.

Dr. Chuck could be your answer, Adam. I say get on the Chuckwagon.

Dr. Chuck said that Marcy was wrong to control my fashion choices.

Dr. Chuck says it's my fault.

Dr. Chuck, huh?

Dr. Felicia thinks I should be more assertive.

Dr. Felicia was brutal. She pounded me like a speed bag.

Drive me to the lake, and pay for everything.

During the walk, you ask her to the party.

Eat before you come over here.

Eh, I'm good with super wrong. Do you take checks?

Eh, we'll talk after a couple margaritas.

Eight six the cake, kids. Eighty six, go, go, go.

Empty bag of Flamin' Hot Cheetos.

Enjoy the drive home.

Enjoy.

Especially my bride. I didn't want you to worry.

Especially when Dad said, "Hurry and get out."

Even the man bear steak thief? [chuckles]

Evening, Mr. Burns. I'm here to drop off your boat.

Eventually with the car running.

Every day I do that to keep him from being tempted by bad ideas.

Every day they get a little older and a little tireder.

Every time I woke up, one of them was in my room.

Everybody feels uneasy,

Everybody gets wiped out except me and five young women.

Everyone in the world's got a look alike.

Everyone, Adam would like to say a few words.

Everything flows from problem number one: How do we get Teddy to do his homework?

Everything hurts.

Everything.

Everything's in order.

Excellent job, ladies. Let's get out of here.

Except for any little fibs I'm currently in the middle of,

Except I saw you take it.

Except when you try to steal a monkey from the zoo.

Except with less of me screaming "why" into a pillow.

Excuse me?

Explain yourself, mister.

Face it.

Face it. You've lost the battle of the sexes.

Fast, and then not so fast.

Fight is definitely better than flight.

Finally.

Fine, but don't forget to turn the asparagus down to a simmer, a simmer.

Fine, forget the picture.

Fine, I admit it.

Fine, I'll have a bagel.

Fine, just let the air out of her tire, then offer to push her bike home.

Fine, you can come back over. But you can never say that word again.

Fine.

Fine. I can't do it right now. I'm in the middle of something.

Fine. I'll go.

Fine. I'll talk to her. But I'm gonna be on the beer when I do it.

Fine. You can have one of the girls.

Finesse is my middle name.

First me, then Donny, and now Teddy.

First stop, world's largest Frito, huh?

Fixtures? Well, that's, uh...

Followed by a jug band concert?

For a river cruise with dinner and dancing."

For Joe.

For one thing, we don't eat meat.

For our anniversary, and I'm nowhere.

For the first time, we could just be ourselves.

Free muffins, Teddy. You think about what you're giving up.

From friend stuff to asking her to the skate party.

From now on, I am excluding the two of you.

From the expert who brought it up in front of my wife.

From their upbringing that makes it so difficult for them

Get a hold of yourself, Andi. It's for his own good.

Get him, Felicia.

Get off me! They're taking my boat again!

Getting kids to do homework is a never ending struggle.

Getting yelled at by Marcy.

Girl in room, door closed,

Girl!

Girls love that.

Give a man a fish and he eats for a day.

Give it to me right now.

Give it to one of the kids and tell them, "Don't lose it." We'll never see it again.

Give it up, Don. I know you took it.

Go ahead. Woo me.

Go ahead. You can say it.

Go dust something.

Go home, Don.

Go on.

Go out, get drunk, say a bunch of things you can't take back.

God, Joe, look at you.

God, my poor dad.

Good boy.

Good God, a Z?

Good morning, camper.

Good news, I got up early while everyone was still sleeping

Good question.

Good thinking. I'll get her laptop, and we'll look at her browser history.

Good thinking. That's why we run this family.

Good, good. Your mind is prepared for something horrible again.

Good!

Good.

Good.

Good. He was slowing me down.

Good. Your mind is prepared for something horrible.

Got it, hands at my side.

Grab three while you're up.

Grand opening? You'd think something like that would be in the paper.

Grandma Alice makes you eat vegetables. What a dud.

Grandpa went all the way across town to get that barbed wire.

Grandpa, I'm sorry I took your cigarettes.

Grandpa?

Grandpa? Is everybody okay?

Great show.

Great. They were little angels.

Great. We're open to anything.

Ground floor, parking lot view. It's what we always get.

Groupon? Hey, I did not come here to get my feelings hurt.

Guys, stop what you're doing. I have something to tell you.

Guys, this is like the plot of every romantic comedy.

Ha!

Ha! I don't know how you're gonna do it without me,

Ha! I got you!

Ha! It's official. That's a verbal contract.

Hand 'em over, Donny.

Hang on. We're not done here.

Happy anniversary, honey.

Hating RVs and camping

Have a good summer, Don.

Have you learned nothing from this, Lowell?

Have you never paid attention to me when I talk about bricks?

Have you talked to Don yet?

Having a great time. This is adventurous.

He bought a boat without telling me.

He can't be that hard to outsmart. We saw his report card.

He carries bacon everywhere in case of emergencies.

He chose me, because I have advice that actually works.

He comes from a long line of ladies' men.

He decided it had to be something I'd never expect.

He did, huh? [chuckles]

He didn't respect the system.

He didn't tell you about that?

He didn't want to say anything in front of my mom.

He doesn't like spaghetti.

He doesn't like the way things have been, so you have a choice.

He felt bad about getting involved in our personal business.

He has to take care of his grandson, Parker.

He hates antiques. He loves breaking things.

He held the tray above his head like a waiter.

He is on drugs.

He just had to remember something.

He looked like Sonny Bono.

He made me water the whole front yard with a tiny Dixie cup.

He might not be a nice person.

He needs a woman to help him with this, Adam.

He owes me an apology.

He said he wanted to share the best burger in the world with family.

He said planning a party for you was like being in a shark's mouth.

He said to meet him in an alley

He seemed fine, but I could tell they were hurrying me out.

He seemed like a gentleman.

He stopped barking at me, and we were pals.

He takes his dad with him to have an affair?

He thinks he gets to pick all the houses.

He told me they were going to buy...

He took your dad to Happy Burger.

He was a terrible student.

He was never the same.

He was professionally diagnosed as super wrong, but, you know,

He was raised by a man who wanders the streets in his underpants.

He was way out of line to buy that house.

He'd hate the idea of summer school.

He'd let me have a sip of his beer.

He'll be separated from Katie. She's the brains of the operation.

He's 80 years old.

He's also been tackled by dogs four times.

He's at soccer practice.

He's back with me now.

He's doing the best he can.

He's going through a bad divorce, so he's pretty mad at wives.

He's gonna flunk out of school and live with us forever.

He's gonna open a topless car wash called Put 'Em on the Glass.

He's gonna wind up in summer school like I did.

He's in for a world of hurt.

He's in the living room!

He's like a cat I fed one time.

He's my best friend.

He's no dummy.

He's not gonna answer, Kate.

He's not taking care of that kid with his wife in the house.

He's our therapist, and he made me realize that when Don wears this shirt,

He's really zigging where the rest of us zag.

He's really... not doing that right!

He's right. For me and Marcy's 25th anniversary,

Healthy children need fresh air.

Heavy is the head that wears the crown, Andi.

Heavy is the head that wears the crown.

Hello?

Hello?

Hello?

Hello.

Help me get rid of her, but without making her feel like we're getting rid of her.

Her eyes got big and her lip trembled.

Here it is: you and Marcy with strangers.

Here you go, Marcy, have a shrimp.

Here, we'll do a demonstration.

Here. Have a seat.

Here's my ID.

Here's some joe for my Joe.

Here's the most important thing you need to know...

Hey Bev, how old are you gonna be?

Hey, Alice. What's happening up here? Looks like you had some work done.

Hey, Andi! If Marcy asks, you never saw me. Thanks, doll.

Hey, are you going to Jeremy's skate party?

Hey, but be careful with those Cheetos.

Hey, but you can't hug me when they find wood floors under the carpet,

Hey, come on. That's personal. Don't read it.

Hey, do you like this one?

Hey, Don.

Hey, Don. Hello, little man I don't know.

Hey, don't forget we have couples dinner tonight.

Hey, everybody. Oh, I'll come back when Kate's finished getting dressed.

Hey, first of all,

Hey, guys. I'd like you to meet our friends, Tina and Trevor.

Hey, hey.

Hey, hey. Remember when your mom wasn't here?

Hey, honey. I got the towels. Oh, and I picked up Teddy's new baseball bat.

Hey, how's dinner coming? Those steaks smell fantastic.

Hey, I got a question.

Hey, I thought you were at the movies.

Hey, I'm throwing your mom a birthday party.

Hey, Lowell.

Hey, Ma.

Hey, Madison, how's it going?

Hey, marriage is supposed to be 50 50, right?

Hey, Mom.

Hey, Mom. Could you drop me at the mall after school?

Hey, Mom. Since there's no school today,

Hey, Parker, why don't you go in there and not be in here for a while?

Hey, remind me, how did you say Marcy hurt her ankle?

Hey, slow down, save some fun for later.

Hey, Teddy.

Hey, that's right.

Hey, there.

Hey, uh, Katie, can you go check on Grandpa?

Hey, we're holding our own.

Hey, what about our anniversary?

Hey, what if we say one of the kids is sick and we cancel,

Hey, what'd you find out?

Hey, what's up, fellas?

Hey, what's up?

Hey, where are you headed so fancy?

Hey, you guys want to go to Mick's and get a burger?

Hey, you two need to get it together.

Hey!

Hey.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey. Does she still look sick to you?

Hey. I just thought of something. We should go together.

Hey. So, what did the doctor say?

Hey. Sorry I'm late for dinner.

Hey. Thanks for coming. You ready to do this?

Hey. That's That's not how you do it.

Hey. Uh,

Hey. You know how we should celebrate?

Hey... do you mind if I have a little fun with this?

Hi, guys.

Hi, Mom.

Hi, Mom.

Hi, Teddy Oh, no.

Hi. Uh, my daughter's here to take her road test.

His "thing" is what I'm worried about.

His lovely wife, Bev.

His one purpose in life was to make little Rexes,

Hit me.

Hit me.

Hit me.

Hmm, I'm not aware of that establishment.

Hmm, okay, uh Oh.

Hmm?

Hmm? Come here.

Hmm. Sounds like she got a case of the "wifes."

Hmm. What secret would he want to keep from his wife?

Hold on, Lowell. Check this out.

Hold on. I still have to pass my road test.

Hold on. Let's see how this plays out.

Hold on. What're you doing?

Homework's a bummer, man. I want to be free.

Honey, do you understand what just happened?

Honey, give Lowell his phone back.

Honey, here's the thing. Okay?

Honey, I don't know if upstairs is far enough.

Honey, I have put you through so much. Let me take you out to dinner.

Honey, I know I'm driving you crazy with this boat talk,

Honey, it's been a crazy week. Let's just watch TV.

Honey, look, it's okay to be emotional. Okay?

Honey, move Jen to the back of the plane next to the bathroom, huh?

Honey, thank you,

Honey, the river cruise is a great idea,

Honey, we can't do that. He's my brother. We love them.

How about ice cream for dinner, hmm?

How about next week, instead of dinner at Mick's...

How about this? [chuckles]

How about those guys?

How are we supposed to magically be able to do that?

How are you feeling about your ex wife these days?

How are you the house? I built the house.

How awesome is that?

How can he know something if I don't tell him?

How can she stay forever if she's leaving? That doesn't make sense.

How could I forget?

How could you say the V word in front of his wife?

How dare you see potential in my daughter?

How did you find out about my dad's pacemaker?

How did you get in the house? I had the keys.

How did you know?

How do you figure?

How do you know that?

How do you know where I'm going?

How do you not have 20 kids?

How does it make sense that they can drive to a movie with boobs,

How great is this country? Huh?

How is he adjusting to life with the new pacemaker?

How is this supposed to work?

How long has this unholy alliance been going on?

How many times have I told you that we don't keep score in here?

How much have you guys had to drink?

How was the surgery?

How you'd like to celebrate your anniversary.

How'd it go with the kids?

How'd you get Andi to finally let you buy one?

How's it feel to be the son of a boat owner?

How's your tummy?

Hug, hug!

Hugging is coming.

Huh? Always thinking of you.

Huh? I mean, this job isn't gonna pay you enough to...

Huh? If we sprint, we can still make happy hour.

Huh? It's gonna be great. Especially that last part.

Huh? Oh, yeah, yeah. You can shake your moneymaker.

Huh? You cropped me out.

Huh. I had no idea they had that.

Huh. Jump in anytime here, Bandi.

Huh. That doesn't feel great, does it?

Huh. Well... maybe one of the kids took it.

Hurts every time.

Hustle. Hustle, hustle, hustle.

I I was teaching Teddy a lesson.

I I'm a little better. I still need the weekend to recuperate.

I I'm done being the middleman. Okay?

I actually said that.

I already gave her five stars on Yelp.

I already know about that. Lowell told me everything.

I already liked you.

I am already being helped by the best salesperson ever

I am appalled.

I am dying here. You got to give a toast.

I am gonna do something incredibly nice for you.

I am happy to jump on board.

I am just going to accept the fact that my mother in law lives with us.

I am not a machine.

I am not gonna be part of your craziness.

I am on edge.

I am only one person.

I am so excited for her.

I am so proud of you for getting this job.

I am throwing this chicken salad out in the trash,

I assumed we'd be doing it in your living room.

I believe in science, Andi.

I believe that.

I believe you were saying nice things to me.

I bet it's because they're on the lake. That's the key.

I bet that's why she got all your money.

I booked Dr. Felicia's whole afternoon.

I bought the boat before you said no.

I brought you to the world's largest anniversary surprise.

I call 'em Tater Dons.

I can I can help you if you want.

I can answer because I have science on my side.

I can do better.

I can feel your eyes burning a hole through my shirt. I like it.

I can go outside and try to catch a bird, but I got to tell you, honey,

I can last a week with just the bacon I have on me.

I can wear a woman down.

I can work with that.

I can't accuse him without proof.

I can't be following teenagers around the mall all day.

I can't believe Adam agreed to go to therapy.

I can't believe I have to spend the whole day at the mall with them.

I can't believe she's lying just to get out of helping around here.

I can't believe that.

I can't believe they ditched us!

I can't believe you never told me that.

I can't believe you two actually came here.

I can't do it, Adam.

I can't do it, Dad. I'm sorry.

I can't do it. I can't do it so much,

I can't do this. This is cooking. Lowell, you have to do it for me.

I can't even pretend to think about doing it.

I can't even pretend to think that's a good idea.

I can't help it. It's these khakis. Tight in all the right places.

I can't kick her out now. She'll think I'm upset with her.

I can't stay long. I'm meeting a guy who responded to my "lost phone" flyer.

I can't take anymore. I'm sorry, Adam, but I hate this.

I can't talk. Meet me at Mick's for lunch.

I can't wait to finally hear the truth.

I can't wait to get in there and hash this all out,

I care about you. You are part of this family,

I cook her a gourmet dinner with my special handmade gnocchi. Mm.

I could be a better daughter in law, wife and human being.

I could be assistant manager in a year.

I could never get Adam to go.

I could tell. I've seen that look on my own face.

I could use the structure. When do I ship out?

I could've moved to Santa Fe and opened a cute little pottery shop

I could've told you that for free.

I couldn't help but notice you leaving make out point alone and old.

I cut the power.

I cut the power.

I definitely do. I always have time for you.

I did my homework, but it's a 'no.'"

I did not expect this.

I did say that.

I did that. I put it on Dad's shelf a month ago as a joke.

I did the same thing when I first started driving. [chuckles]

I did until people told me he let the air out of my bike tire.

I did. Half the room thinks it's funny.

I didn't believe you were really watching him.

I didn't completely trust?

I didn't do it.

I didn't even know that was in there. It snuck up on me, like a burp.

I didn't even know you knew that.

I didn't forget.

I didn't get to tell her about the plan.

I didn't go through all that time from when he was born to now for nothing.

I didn't have any thoughts then. I can't control when thoughts happen.

I didn't invent it. I just said it.

I didn't know it was such a terrible idea.

I didn't know she wanted to do that.

I didn't realize me wanting you to wear pants was smothering you.

I didn't say anything before

I didn't take your boat.

I didn't want anyone to know.

I didn't want him to see it and be tempted to get back together with her.

I do it all, baby.

I do not.

I do not.

I do?

I do. And you know what? I don't care who knows about it.

I don't care. I don't see another way.

I don't do what anybody says. It's the new me.

I don't even know what to say.

I don't get judo.

I don't get this. I gave him solid gold material.

I don't have these problems with my secret second family.

I don't invite him. He's just always here.

I don't know enough to cover anything up.

I don't know if your anniversary surprise for Andi will be perfect,

I don't know what to believe anymore, Adam.

I don't know what to do.

I don't know what you're talking about.

I don't know, buy a house, huh?

I don't know.

I don't know. He was like, "Eh," and I was like, "Yeah,"

I don't know. It's been too long.

I don't know. Just someone more like us. Bacon eaters.

I don't know. Maybe it was just that last bite landing.

I don't know. With alcohol.

I don't like it. It's arrogant.

I don't like it. It's arrogant.

I don't like just being a villager.

I don't love RVs.

I don't need an ocean view when I got a Marcy view.

I don't need drinks to tell the truth. I'll be honest anywhere, anytime.

I don't need to.

I don't think Katie will pass, but I'm tired of being the bad guy.

I don't think that's true.

I don't wanna.

I don't wanna.

I don't wanna.

I don't want the girls! I want Teddy!

I don't want to be that lady walking around Target

I don't want to fight anymore, so we need to have a real conversation,

I don't want to look in there. That's her private stuff.

I don't want to.

I doubled up on my B12s. Everything's hunky dory.

I enjoyed lying in bed watching Don do all the work for a change.

I explained how all of this is normal,

I feel better. And then I watch TV.

I feel groovy.

I feel like a huge weight is lifted off my shoulders.

I feel like a kid stuck in the middle,

I fell for all their tricks, and now I get payback.

I figured they're too sick to eat it, so I thought I'd make you a sandwich.

I forgot you were here yesterday.

I found a gray hair that seemed promising, but then I remembered.

I found Kate's purse at our place.

I gave her confidence, and then she uses it against me.

I get a vote. I'm a partner.

I go through the motions, I get informed, and then I say, "I thought about it,

I got cocky because I was local, but now I got to step up my game.

I got it, I got it.

I got it.

I got my "after."

I got problems too.

I got the boat delivered early so we could take it out this weekend.

I got the solution to this.

I got this.

I got to know, what happened when you said you wanted to go to military school?

I got to say, Adam, I'm impressed.

I got to tell you, that touches my heart.

I got you!

I got you. [chuckles]

I got your text. What's the code red?

I gotta figure out who did this.

I gotta go to the bank. Or as they call it in England, the "pank."

I guess I think about my dad taking me out fishing when I was a kid.

I guess she left it there when... well, you know.

I guess that's what I got instead of flowers.

I guess we were meant to be.

I guess you could say she is the opposite of Don.

I had another nookie free night.

I had him first. Then you stole him!

I had my physical, and I need a pacemaker.

I had no idea it was our 20th!

I had reasons. I had good reasons.

I had the night free, and I thought you'd like to tell me all the ways

I had to Fred Flintstone it to a stop.

I hate camping and digging and eating beans for dinner

I hate to break it to you, but you got old and I didn't.

I have a face you believe.

I have a relationship workbook upstairs about this very thing.

I have been down here working on it for hours.

I have candy.

I have definitely done more of those...

I have dipped my toe in these dark waters before.

I have to be honest: You saying that makes me feel a little angry.

I have to tell you something, and it's pretty personal.

I have waited a long time for this, Katie. Come on. Let's go have some fun.

I haven't been to the dentist in a year and a half.

I haven't hacked into her e mail in months.

I hid it under my dress.

I hope.

I I think you misunderstood. I was just trying to sleep with your daughter.

I invited Marcy.

I just came very close to hugging you.

I just caught Teddy in his room with a girl.

I just deliver the boats, man.

I just don't know how to get her from friend to girlfriend.

I just don't want to disappoint her. It's like I'm ten years old.

I just got into a whole thing with Andi about feminism.

I just have to accept the fact that I am an outsider in my own family.

I just heard on the radio that in England, they call bologna "polony."

I just need a surefire way to make this whole thing disappear.

I just never saw this coming.

I just remembered, we have kids.

I just spent the last two hours at the party store

I just think maybe you should try and see it from Don's point of view.

I just think things should be as big as they are and no bigger.

I just thought you planned a terrible anniversary.

I just turned 50. Every minute I have left is precious.

I just want to know more about you.

I just want to say I'm sorry.

I just want you to understand that the world is tough, all right?

I just wanted a nice visit with my family. Where's Andi?

I just, I hate to see my bride upset.

I just... I wish I had more time.

I just... I've been getting a lot of them lately.

I knew I couldn't get the booty without the boat.

I knew when I saw your Old Spice on the counter, you were up to no good.

I knew you'd ruin it. I just didn't know when.

I knew, because you and Andi were married in May of 2000,

I know because I deleted all of Don's texts about polony.

I know everything. [chuckles]

I know he's the older brother,

I know how to get rid of it.

I know how to handle this. I see it all the time.

I know the truth.

I know what a big deal this is for you.

I know what I'm doing. I'm gonna walk her right into it.

I know what women want.

I know what you mean. It's like the Olympics.

I know you guys are in the middle of a fight,

I know you took my boat out last night,

I know you're against it,

I know, I know. Because I wasn't productive at work.

I know, it was so fun.

I know.

I know.

I know.

I know.

I know. After we gave them the best years of our lives.

I know. Can we please leave before he comes back?

I know. I ran over between emergencies to tell you I'm sorry.

I learn something new about you every day.

I learned it wasn't about the boat. It was about family.

I left a fun size Baby Ruth on the kitchen island, and now it's gone.

I let you sleep in because I'm a softy.

I like it.

I like it. I feel like I'm at a seance.

I like it. Now that there's a little cheese in the trap, I'm interested.

I like it. The state of Pennsylvania will do my dirty work for me.

I like to do it when the grass is sleeping.

I like to do my homework before I make a decision.

I looked up her wedding registry. It's some guy named Ira Stone.

I lost control of everything, including my mouth.

I love a foxy, young detective.

I love beans!

I love Katie, but I don't think she'll ever be a good driver.

I love them so much, I just want to run out there

I love you so much.

I love you so much.

I love you, baby, so I'm romancing you with shrimp and handmade nookie.

I love you, but I hate this, okay?

I love you, too, Dad.

I love you, too.

I love you.

I made $300 last year recycling your wine bottles.

I make all the decisions because I have all the pressure.

I may have accidentally implied to Andi that you weren't at the fishing store.

I mean, even bigfoot has pictures of his whole body.

I mean, he's like a new man.

I mean, he's not gonna take this well.

I mean, he's thinking with a body part I don't even have.

I mean, hey... Andrew.

I mean, I can't trust a word that man says, Lowell!

I mean, I guess I could just say "no."

I mean, I guess what I'm trying to say is, you know,

I mean, I haven't heard about any plans, so it's obviously a surprise party.

I mean, I haven't steamed or cleaned or washed or prepped.

I mean, I knew we had an anniversary coming up,

I mean, if the boy cries wolf

I mean, if there's a natural disaster. You know, the big one.

I mean, if you must get involved, at least don't teach him nonsense.

I mean, if you're coming back to work.

I mean, is he even at the fish store?

I mean, is there any other explanation for that Motown backup singer shirt?

I mean, it's hard to compete with soapy hooters.

I mean, look at this picture.

I mean, look, this might not last.

I mean, maybe it's worth considering.

I mean, ten years ago, you would've just bought a boat and then lied about it.

I mean, that pill lets us have fun without consequences.

I mean, where are you gonna raise your kids?

I mean, who knows? I might be a vegan.

I mean, you didn't just lose your business partner,

I mean, you schemed your way into getting a woman you in no way deserved.

I mean, you seem normal, but maybe that's because you haven't talked yet.

I mean... wrong number.

I met her in the Band Aid aisle at the drug store.

I might be a Democrat, or I might be a lesbian.

I might ride this wave and see if I can get him to try quinoa.

I miss your mom.

I nailed that party, and I want Bev to acknowledge it.

I need my box of stuff from my single days.

I need something big. Twenty years is a milestone.

I need to go over a few rules.

I need you to drive me to the hospital tomorrow for the procedure

I need you to go to Andi tomorrow

I never get one on one time with my mother in law.

I never know what you mean when you say that.

I once had a beer with Ned Armstrong.

I once reached in and thought I grabbed the remote.

I only did three.

I only yelled one time. It just lasted the whole drive.

I paid her $10 to say we were a perfect couple.

I passed! [laughs]

I picked up an extra shift at the store.

I promised.

I pulled onto Old Town Road and asked Siri to play "Old Town Road," like I do.

I remember 'cause I've seen it so many times in my dreams.

I remember what you said, Dad: any college that ends in "State."

I remember you showing me, but I stopped paying attention

I remembered you talking about this place back when we were dating,

I said I feel good.

I said it's random.

I said we loved them before you said we loved them.

I saved the last brownie for my beautiful bride.

I saw it in my own house, and I think Bev can, too.

I saw something that might help while I was cutting up Don's newspaper.

I saw you and Teddy at our house,

I saw you leaving.

I saw you shove it in your pocket. Hand it over.

I saw you wolf down three by the trash can.

I say, let's move her to the back...

I see that look in your eye. Don't do this.

I see you and Teddy have managed to pry yourselves apart for a few minutes.

I see.

I sent her to Atlantic City with a coffee can full of quarters.

I should be teaching him this stuff.

I should have a say in which house we pick.

I should've known. You never save me a brownie.

I should've read the fine print.

I soaked some bread in cough medicine.

I spent all this time trying to get you to say yes.

I squashed one and the others are out for revenge.

I started thinking clearly and came up with a surprise.

I steal his phone. That's how we do it.

I still don't understand what happened. We agreed on Dr. Chuck.

I still have a week.

I still think it's a mistake to give this back.

I stopped by Dad's after work to check on him.

I stopped on my way to the office to tell you Don's not coming in today.

I take a day or two to consider it with an open mind,

I take out the trash. Okay? Stay in your lane, baby.

I tell you what. If you drive, I'll let you pay for parking.

I think a boat will keep me away from all those boys at school.

I think he just let us have the beans to fatten us up.

I think he's mad because I sleep in his bed sometimes.

I think her husband had one.

I think his date will tell him soon enough.

I think I held on to the idea of Jen because I was afraid I'd end up alone.

I think I might be deep.

I think I need more information

I think I really screwed this up.

I think I was so closed off before

I think I'm done eating chicken.

I think I'm gonna stop going.

I think it's hot.

I think it's my new bra. It unleashed something.

I think she needs to hear that.

I think she's better, but she's milking it.

I think there is.

I think they may have been knocked off.

I think they're just upset because of all the red plates.

I think this is how the Avengers started.

I think we have to ask ourselves

I think we might be a little rusty at this.

I think we've gotten off track.

I think what you mean is, when it comes to suspects,

I think what your father was trying to say is,

I think you accidentally bought some women's shoes.

I think you are gonna be touched, and proud, and a little sorry

I think you look good.

I think you should go to the skate party with him.

I think you'll be pleased.

I think you're perfect, Bev,

I think your grandpa would want you to have this.

I thought I just did.

I thought it'd be cute if you and your dad had matching hats.

I thought Marcy wouldn't let you wear that silk shirt.

I thought that was against your rules.

I thought you hated that stuff.

I threw up the truth.

I told you I had two rules when we got married:

I told you not to eat too much.

I told you not to tell that story.

I took her hot air ballooning over wine country.

I tried a whole bunch of things to get a boat.

I tried that. But she bewitched me with sex.

I tried to change a D to a B on the bus. It was bumpy.

I tried to come up with something thoughtful

I want a husband who wears pants.

I want control. Why did I have kids if I can't tell 'em what to do?

I want our child sad and scared, so we know we're good parents.

I want our friends back. How do we get 'em back?

I want the whole world to see my beautiful wife.

I want to know where they are and why Adam's lying about it.

I want to make it easy on them.

I want to pick the perfect outfit for therapy.

I want to recreate the cake for Bev's birthday party.

I wanted it for us.

I wanted you to know that you are the boy that cried wolf.

I was a full man in middle school.

I was born Jessica, but there were so many, I changed it.

I was hoping to have some fun times like that with our kids.

I was in this picture.

I was just looking for thumbs up, thumbs down.

I was just reading your naughty texts from this morning,

I was looking for something to hold onto.

I was trying to hold my tongue about this party.

I was waiting for a lull in the conversation.

I was warned about this.

I wasn't even close to pulling this off, was I?

I watched a video about how to do a smoky eye.

I watched every episode of Murder, She Wrote.

I watched it three years ago with Don in the trailer.

I went to the fishing store, you weren't there,

I will be right there as soon as I bust Don.

I will not.

I wish he'd steal my phone instead.

I wish I'd known. I wouldn't have held back.

I wish we didn't have to go to the Bainbridge.

I woke up to a message saying he was here and ended up staying over.

I won't believe you when you tell the truth.

I won't, I swear. That was a cold, lonely eight minutes.

I won't. You're getting me out of homework. I owe you.

I worry she feels lonely out there in the driveway.

I would curl up in her old sweatshirt and read her in box.

I would feel like less of a man.

I would give up all the other pills for that pill.

I would like to talk about the reason we're all here.

I would love one, Dad.

I would love one.

I would love to take her, but I have guests.

I would never do that. I'm not a boat stealer.

I would never want you to do something that you didn't want to do.

I would've put on a better show.

I would've said no, but I'm the chump out here covered in brick dust.

I wouldn't be surprised if you opened that door,

I wouldn't tell that story again.

I, uh...

I'd also like to make a toast.

I'd better hurry and buy those teeth whitening strips you mentioned.

I'd file a complaint with HR, but that's me.

I'd rather have a husband who's thoughtful 364 days a year

I'd say she's in top form.

I'd still be single and picking up random

I'll be there. See you at 11:00.

I'll bet Alice is gonna try to take over as favorite grandma.

I'll bet you Dune Buggy Steve's kid saw something!

I'll do it on my own, then.

I'll even name it after you. Probably.

I'll give you $20.

I'll go after school tomorrow.

I'll go home and get the password.

I'll handle this.

I'll just hire someone else to eat all the tacos.

I'll just tell Andi I'm staying the night with you. I don't want you to be alone.

I'll just tell them I'm testing my body to see how much it can take.

I'll just use my brains and charisma to get Andi on board.

I'll let her talk about her favorite subject.

I'll stay.

I'll take the kids to the zoo tomorrow,

I'll tell her after it's done.

I'll tell you what's in my butt, the two of you.

I'll use that to buy a house.

I'll wait outside.

I'll wear two pairs of underwear just to be safe.

I'll, uh... I'll come up with an idea,

I'm "on the beer"?

I'm a better driver than you anyway.

I'm a grown man.

I'm a little nervous.

I'm a real doctor, so no need for the quotes.

I'm a sneaky sleeper. That's the worst you can pin on me.

I'm afraid your license expired three months ago.

I'm answering her. "Where and when?"

I'm back!

I'm cool with hiding. I need to lay low anyway.

I'm crazy? She's crazy. She won't listen to me.

I'm crying because of the cat allergy, not because of this.

I'm cutting my dad and Don out of family photos.

I'm dinner and a movie.

I'm dusting, like I do.

I'm eating more.

I'm finally in a good place.

I'm getting those blankets out of there.

I'm getting to the bottom of this.

I'm giving Jen a piece of my mind.

I'm glad my dad was in the room to hear you say that.

I'm glad you called. A day off is fun.

I'm going crazy.

I'm going out back to string some barbed wire for the obstacle course.

I'm gonna be a better person. I'm gonna be that guy.

I'm gonna be dating men in the early stages of arthritis.

I'm gonna delete Postmates because we made our own. Huh.

I'm gonna do it, Adam. I'm gonna take a bite.

I'm gonna frame this.

I'm gonna go spend some time with her before work.

I'm gonna go upstairs and surprise the kids.

I'm gonna need to see some ID.

I'm gonna pretend to be nervous and get caught lying

I'm gonna take the pressure off you. Okay, what's my favorite meal?

I'm good with that.

I'm good.

I'm guessing you're a single gal, Doctor.

I'm headed over to your mom's. She asked me to bring over my lasagna.

I'm helping him turn a friend into a girlfriend.

I'm in the bathroom, and I forgot my phone.

I'm inside the house!

I'm just gonna go back downstairs and look at her laptop.

I'm just gonna say I believe in you, and I support you no matter what.

I'm just looking for a different lifestyle.

I'm just rooting for you two kids.

I'm just saying days of the week it's not.

I'm just saying that there are moments that can't be faked.

I'm just saying, if I hadn't paid that waitress

I'm kind of nervous.

I'm like a racehorse stuck in a barn.

I'm making Joe go too. He has issues.

I'm Mason, and this is my wife, Bessica.

I'm never coming back here again.

I'm never more thoughtful than when I'm frightened out of my mind.

I'm not afraid. I'll do it right here, right now.

I'm not as quick as I used to be.

I'm not doing therapy with him.

I'm not going anywhere. I'm just sitting here.

I'm not gonna just give you $20. You have to work to earn money.

I'm not hearing the difference.

I'm not in the mood.

I'm not leaving now.

I'm not paying some quack 150 bucks to do what I can do myself.

I'm not sorry.

I'm not sure how long she was standing there.

I'm not sure the opposite of doormat is door.

I'm not talking to him until he apologizes.

I'm not?

I'm not.

I'm off to go shopping for the SS Maybe Andi.

I'm on it.

I'm pulling up his location on Find My Friends.

I'm really sorry.

I'm retaining water 'cause I had a salty lunch.

I'm saving my baby before he gets tangled in her web.

I'm so excited about brunch.

I'm so glad we're friends again. We're gonna be millionaires.

I'm so good, I don't even have to look.

I'm sorry I ever worked with you. I quit.

I'm sorry, did you say Jessica?

I'm sorry, Joe.

I'm sorry, Lowell. I got busy and forgot to tell you I wasn't coming in.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. Can I get you a beer?

I'm starting to question a lot of things.

I'm sure it's nothing.

I'm sure you'll want to do the same when you get yours.

I'm surprised Baby Gap had your size.

I'm talking about maybe a special memory or feeling.

I'm talking about you snuck my boat out last night.

I'm Teddy's dad.

I'm telling you. [laughs]

I'm the boss over there.

I'm thinking about it right now.

I'm too strong.

I'm working on the lawn mower. Needed a rebuild.

I'm your emergency contact. I know everything.

I'm your favorite person?

I'm zipping it up, not down, Bev.

I've always felt it. I just, I wasn't sure you did.

I've always just gone to my favorite bakery.

I've always wanted to see the country in a rolling toilet.

I've been hanging with you all day.

I've been putting too much pressure on you about college.

I've been telling you my poorly thought out theories for years.

I've been waiting 14 years for this moment.

I've brought up buying a boat in the past, and Andi always shot me down.

I've got a rock in my clog.

I've got to head out anyway.

I've had a rough morning, Andi.

I've heard. It's never actually happened to me.

I've just been so lonely.

I've never seen that before.

I've never tried Sweet Treats.

I've realized there's an upside to being sick.

I've seen it.

I've walked into a lot of weddings on the arm of the best man.

If he hadn't convinced her that I was right for Don,

If he makes it through, he earns a can opener.

If he thinks he has another chance with her, he'll jump at it.

If I don't constantly threaten Don, he doesn't plan anything.

If I don't get it every two years, I feel like I missed something.

If I drink enough free juice, I'll make money on this deal.

If I had a nickel. [chuckles]

If I had known our last time was gonna be our last time,

If I had that operation, uh...

If I hadn't kept a blanket in my truck,

If I know it, she'll know I know because she told me.

If I wanted to use it, I'd make you hitch it up,

If I'm honest, you could be a little less honest.

If it doesn't stop, I'm getting the school involved.

If it was something important, people would believe me.

If it wasn't important.

If it's not, we'll have proof he's the boat thief.

If one of us is prepared in advance.

If she leaves, maybe we can just slow this whole thing down.

If she wants to bring her pet Sasquatch, that's up to her.

If she's just toying with Lowell, we'll tell her to leave him alone.

If so, I'm gonna have to ask you to leave the room for ten minutes, Doctor.

If Teddy doesn't get his act together,

If the brick had legs, it wouldn't need you. Get cracking.

If they gave grades for this, I would get into Harvard.

If this business goes belly up, it's on me.

If this family ends up living under a bridge, it's all on me.

If this works, I say we have more kids.

If we had a family crest, that would be on it.

If we'd gone with Chuck, I'd be waterskiing right now.

If we're keeping score, that's one for me.

If whatever took our steaks comes back, we got walls to protect us.

If you blow off your homework, you say you lost it or the dog ate it.

If you can open it, you can eat it.

If you can't be bothered to do homework,

If you come at me, you better come strong.

If you do something wrong, you lose points.

If you don't believe me, ask Dad.

If you get three wrong, you fail and have to wait a week to retake it.

If you give Andi a better solution.

If you got gaps, your corners aren't square.

If you have a problem with that, take it up with Mother Nature, a woman.

If you know a way off this hamster wheel, I'm listening.

If you suddenly realize you need it, it's probably too late.

If you two can talk things out, she can go?

If you want something expensive that leaks, let's just get another kid.

If you want to come back to Team Dad, I got some ideas to figure this out.

If you want to talk to me, I'll be in the Admirals Club.

If you were able to communicate with your brother.

If you're concerned for your friend,

If you're so sorry, then why are you here trying to steal it again?

If your mother asks, I was with you all night.

Imagine if someone came to your house and took something you loved.

In a church. I remember.

In exchange, you'll have to share a milkshake with her every so often.

In fact, I think I might just sit in this thing all night.

In fact, there they are. Hey, guys.

In fact, you're grounded.

In front of God.

In my trash, next to my boat.

In our last session,

In Teddy's personal life again.

Including the fact that Neil said, and I quote,

Inside.

Instead of saving the world, we tricked a teenage girl,

Interesting.

Ira Stone? He was my divorce lawyer.

Is acknowledging that I'm a flawed human being, and that's okay.

Is Adam going to keep talking to you from the bathroom?

Is because your lies are obvious and lack finesse.

Is Dylan going to the dance?

Is it a burner for your secret second family?

Is it bad news? Is it Dad's pacemaker?

Is it because you refer to yourself as "yours truly"?

Is it enough for you, Adam?

Is it good enough to go to Harvard? No.

Is it happening?

Is it just jugs?

Is one theory that would later be proven false.

Is something I knew about you that you didn't know I knew.

Is that guy stealing your silverware?

Is that how you answer your phone?

Is that how you talk to the guy who's about to hang up on you?

Is that I have had 20 wonderful years with you.

Is that like "hook up"? What does "hook up" mean?

Is the answer: A, nightstand, B, bedside table,

Is there anything I can do? Make you some coffee or...

Is this a fold out couch?

It It even looks like the same RV. [laughs]

It It was just, uh, Dad and I wanted to, um...

It came with your sexy maid Halloween costume.

It can't be done. We don't work for NASA, Marcy.

It doesn't feel right to pay for it by the hour.

It fell apart. I was out there for hours.

It figures. You know, this is just another thing they're doing without me.

It has a great yard and a bay window.

It is if it looks like love.

It is nice they're spending time together, though.

It is not easy to do.

It is the scariest feeling in the world.

It isn't funny.

It just it breaks my heart.

It looks delicious, but I will never order one.

It looks like our regular house in there.

It looks like your dad just threw his hat into the ring.

It makes me wonder why I'm even on this crazy blue ball!

It makes perfect sense.

It makes sense.

It might make me feel worse.

It occurred to me that I may have overreacted a little bit.

It only failed twice one, two.

It only had one button, and it did not work the TV.

It requires strategic planning. And what happens when we don't have a plan, Teddy?

It says here there's a supervolcano in Yellowstone

It says you pay attention because you care.

It smelled like pretzels.

It supports our family, Don's family,

It used to be the world's largest potato, but it got struck by lightning.

It wants us to do it. It doesn't like her either.

It was all Kate. I never wanted to lie. I love you, Mommy and Daddy.

It was beautiful. Here, let me show you a picture.

It was different, though.

It was either a bear or a large, naked, hairy person.

It was hot. Did you forget deodorant?

It was magic. Admit it.

It was raining, and I had just gotten the car washed.

It was the last thing my grandfather made before he passed away.

It was the perfect crime. Two days in bed. Unlimited Jell O.

It was the worst sound I've ever heard.

It was when we were working nights on the O'Bannon job.

It works every time.

It would be taking away my whole purpose on this planet.

It wouldn't kill you to put on some pantyhose.

It... It'll be great. It'll be great.

It'll be easy. I'll let the khakis do the talking.

It'll be fun.

It'll be like the old days when I used to rent a boat to take you fishing.

It'll be worth it.

It'll lay its little beak right there on your shoulder. [clucks]

It'll make me so happy to watch you eat it.

It'll only take four or five hours.

It'll take two, three swipes to get through this tin can.

It's it's time to take the ice.

It's 4:00 in the morning.

It's 9:00 in the morning. Who eats burgers for breakfast?

It's a blu garita, Adam! [laughs]

It's a crazy world.

It's a hard "no" on the outfit.

It's a hat!

It's a hat.

It's a little hot.

It's a lot of pressure.

It's a real meat market.

It's a shadow government.

It's a thoughtful, open minded "no." Wives dig that hippie crap.

It's a whole band. There's washboards, banjos, spoons.

It's about me.

It's an angry color.

It's an hour away. I can't do it.

It's called Cook What You Kill.

It's crazy. I got lonely Uber drivers circling my house like it's the airport.

It's from a Liam Neeson movie.

It's from Notting Hill.

It's from too much coffee! Yeah.

It's full of bikinis and tube tops, so you'll have to redo that.

It's funny they're your friends. From far away, they look like your kids.

It's funny. You always want to talk to me when I'm watching TV,

It's great to go for a spin, but...

It's happened before. My name is Adam.

It's hard for me to accept that you're growing up.

It's hard to wear a helmet when I've already felt the wind in my face.

It's interesting you would say that, because you know that story

It's just [sighs] I don't know. We've all been together a long time.

It's just a bunch of mumbo jumbo that doesn't do anything.

It's just a random jumble of letters and numbers.

It's just based on how we feel, and I feel great.

It's just like surgery.

It's just, I'm gonna miss you so much.

It's just, you know, when my mom is here, I have to be perfect.

It's like 1980 in here.

It's like a 25 foot wife.

It's like a dragon opened its mouth, and jelly beans shot out.

It's like renting the world's worst hotel room

It's like some mysterious force is trying to stop us from having sex. I...

It's made him very randy.

It's Madison's mom. She's probably calling to thank me.

It's magic,

It's my job to look out for her.

It's never just right. She's the Goldilocks of burgers.

It's not a good time.

It's not a job if you love what you do.

It's not a problem. No.

It's not about the kids, it's about us."

It's not crazy.

It's not like we're in a tent that a claw can slash open.

It's not supportive for me to say that he looks like an unemployed pimp.

It's not what I'm secretly hoping for.

It's not what it looks like.

It's not your fault, sir. I'm sorry for all the cursing.

It's okay to bend the truth with your wife now and again.

It's okay, Andi.

It's okay. You don't have to talk to Dad.

It's only six hours up the road to the world's largest Frisbee.

It's out there.

It's over, honey.

It's perfect for him.

It's pronounced "gnocchi."

It's simple, he's gonna apologize.

It's so it's stupid, and I don't even want to be in it,

It's the American dream.

It's the most romantic spot in our pantheon of love.

It's the old "you married a different guy than you thought" gag.

It's the only way I know things.

It's their favorite chair, Adam.

It's time to head upstairs and do some curls for the girls.

It's totally rigged.

It's two steps: edit, delete.

It's weird that Marcy's and mine are together.

It's well known that Andi makes a weak lasagna.

It's what the British people call bologna.

It's windy today.

Jell O?

Jen booked two business class tickets to Hawaii.

Jen is a horrible person.

Jen texted him that she wanted to meet for a drink.

Joe, come on, stop it.

Joe, do you see her socks? I don't.

Joe, I can't believe you said that.

Joe, we want to learn what was missing

Joe, we've got homework problems with Teddy.

Joke's on them. Our kids will be terrible employees.

Judo's like karate for when you're not that mad.

Just didn't see the point anymore.

Just do it. I've got a heart flutter.

Just have a real conversation with Andi. Talk about what you're going through.

Just have a real conversation with her.

Just kidding.

Just knowing we can't do it makes me want to do it even more.

Just let the magic happen.

Just like he did with me when I got bad grades.

Just like sex.

Just like surgery.

Just take her to the test. I don't want to go back in the garage with the spiders.

Just take one bite. Get a little sick.

Just tell him you're worried because you care about him.

Just thinking about my baby running up that scorpion infested hill,

Just to be safe, I'm gonna split the difference and lean.

Just when things are getting hot and heavy.

Karen told me if I keep up the good work,

Kate doesn't want to go to college.

Kate is fine. She just wanted to go for a drive.

Kate, your dad's ready to take you to the mall!

Kate's dance. I'm gonna try my luck with some of the girls crying outside.

Katie and Emme get married, and Teddy lives with us the rest of his life.

Katie is not ready, Andi.

Keep them at your side the whole time.

Kid's punching above his weight.

Kids are all tucked in. Where's Andi?

Kids, could you come in here, please?

Kind of like how Ned said Neil felt

Kind of. In In the sense that I have to stop taking a pill.

Kind of. Their parents split up.

Kung fu watching criminal!

Last time I took them, I tried on a hat, and they laughed about it for three hours.

Last week, I met this amazing woman who was into boats,

Last week, when I showed you the house I wanted, you didn't have any thoughts.

Leave these poor people alone.

Let it be cold.

Let me say things I don't mean. That's how a good marriage works.

Let me tell you something, Dr. Felicia...

Let me tell you something, Lowell.

Let's celebrate. Where's your pills?

Let's enjoy it while we can.

Let's get out there, put our beer goggles on and see who we come home with.

Let's go get you a pacemaker. [chuckles]

Let's go talk about it in the driveway man to man. Come on.

Let's go, Don.

Let's hear your wonderful advice.

Let's just call it Lowell's terrible idea.

Let's see if your mother in law can still make the dogs bark.

Let's see what she's been up to by going through her trash.

Life on the road, huh? How much fun is this?

Life's full of disappointments.

Like a ship in a bottle!

Like a store that's more age appropriate?

Like Han Solo.

Like in a hot air balloon, for example.

Like in The Notebook,

Like Mario Kart.

Like she's not ready. A car lets you leave, and I'm not ready.

Like the world's largest paper clip and the world's largest pancake.

Like throw pillows.

Like when he wanted to plan our honeymoon.

Like, I don't know, uh,

Like, if you're talking to a nudist,

Like, when we were first dating,

Like, when you're walking to your car at night,

Like, you can only run so fast.

Like, you should've told us you wanted to go to Jalapeño Kevin's.

Listen to this one.

Listen, honey, if I could take the girls, I would.

Listen, I am here for you. Whatever you need, you just tell me.

Listen, I got a problem.

Listen, I owe you an apology.

Listen, there's a parent mixer for my class coming up.

Listen, we know you're happy with your new couple, but...

Listen, we need to talk about how long your mom's gonna be staying with us,

Literally all of magic is fake.

Little something for you.

Look alive, everyone, she's inbound!

Look at him go.

Look at him out there in the sun, full of sweat and regret.

Look at his edges. They're all catawampus.

Look at that perfect stack of bricks.

Look at that, just one sip, I already had an idea.

Look how young they are. What a cliché.

Look in the G dang drawer!

Look what I found in her trash. Flamin' Hot Cheetos.

Look what I found in the trash next to my boat.

Look who gets to drive her home.

Look who's coming with us.

Look, Andi, no boat!

Look, but don't touch, hmm?

Look, date who you want, but do your homework.

Look, Don and I don't talk about that kind of stuff.

Look, Don obviously got some weirdo doctor

Look, guys, it's my mother in law at my door with no warning.

Look, honey, sometimes in parenting,

Look, honey, this company is my responsibility.

Look, I agree with Adam.

Look, I agree with you, okay?

Look, I agree with you. Jen is terrible for him.

Look, I have spent the last year watching you suffer. I won't do it again.

Look, I just don't want to go.

Look, I just... I'm worried about Lowell.

Look, I know that she has high standards,

Look, I know this sounds crazy,

Look, I know you're mad, but you did invite Don to the party, right?

Look, I love you. I am gonna spend the rest of my life with you,

Look, I meant to push B. My fingers are swollen.

Look, I... I know we did, but I'm just saying.

Look, I'm not proud of what I did, but I was desperate.

Look, I'm sorry. I know you didn't do anything wrong.

Look, I'm taking care of Marcy, and you are going to the mall.

Look, I've never had a plan,

Look, if you want to make more decisions at work,

Look, if you won't get behind the wheel with Kate, I'll teach her.

Look, if you're not gonna tell Adam how you feel about this trip, I will.

Look, Joe, I am not scared.

Look, just keep your options open.

Look, Kate is upstairs, very upset. Okay, you grounded her for no reason.

Look, Kate,

Look, maybe Don and I hang out more than you,

Look, our only advantage is that they don't know we know,

Look, she used a travel website to plan her honeymoon.

Look, Teddy, next, we need to manufacture some magic.

Look, the fact is, this thing hasn't been good for a while.

Look, the minute Lowell mentioned it, you know what popped into my head?

Look, we came here because we want to be completely honest.

Look, we can fix this, okay? We're still in charge here.

Look, we have a real problem here.

Look, you're our best friends, and

Look. Cropped: to exclude.

Looked like a raccoon that swallowed a firecracker.

Looks like she had a second pair of socks on.

Looks like someone gets to sleep in on Saturday.

Looks like they're talking about... nudists.

Lot of pictures of that grandfather, too, I noticed.

Lowell called me.

Lowell just got a text.

Lowell said he'd watch the kids. Let's hit the road. Come on.

Lowell tells you how he feels about you all the time.

Lowell took your boat?

Lowell was devastated after she cheated on him.

Lowell won't text her back, the whole thing goes away.

Lowell, don't talk to him. Come over here.

Lowell, I bought a boat. Yeah. We were leaving the lumberyard,

Lowell, I'm getting lonely out here.

Lowell, it's "Down2play24 7."

Lowell, please, I am depressed enough as it is.

Lowell, show me how to make your magic nookie dinner.

Lowell, the hat's not here.

Lowell, today we found out Andi, you finish.

Lowell, what do you want to do about that?

Lowell's ex wife and her new family.

M... Andi?

Ma, don't say "positions" to me.

Ma'am, can I help you find something?

Ma'am, you're causing a disturbance, and I called security.

Ma'am?

Madison rides her bike to school.

Madison said no.

Madison, you and Teddy were doing great,

Make 'em shiny so I can see my beautiful face.

Make it five.

Make it soon. I haven't finished a crossword in a week.

Make sure they give you the crayons with your kids' menu.

Manufactured magic.

Marcy does.

Marcy gets up and takes care of the kid.

Marcy is your guy?

Marcy was right. Take her to couples therapy.

Marcy, I believe you owe Andi an apology on that one.

Marcy, Marcy, Marcy.

Marcy, someone left a half eaten sandwich in the fridge.

Marcy, you're up, you're better. You can take care of Parker.

Marcy's Andi's best friend. She's gonna tell her everything.

Marcy's had food poisoning for two days, so I'm taking care of my grandson.

Marcy's mad at yours truly.

Marriage is a marathon,

Married 53 years.

May the Force be with you.

Maybe Dad's got a gal, too.

Maybe even until you go up to bed. [chuckles]

Maybe he came to pick up food for her and ran into friends.

Maybe I should leave the door open with Jen.

Maybe in the shoulders.

Maybe it would help me to relax if I did something, uh, water related.

Maybe it's not such a big deal since it's home again.

Maybe low normal.

Maybe she's right. I mean, you might be stressed out

Maybe she's trying to get you back for that time you did it to her for 25 years.

Maybe there's a way to fix this.

Maybe today's the day that she'll admit mine's better.

Maybe we don't call our daughter a working girl.

Maybe we were in a rut

Maybe you can't remember because you're so hungry from Grandpa's house.

Maybe you should take a walk around the lake.

Maybe you should try couples therapy. It's great.

Maybe you're right. We need to see Dr. Chuck.

Maybe you're the wife.

Maybe you've gotten complacent and don't romance her anymore.

Maybe.

Me and Teddy are butterflies.

Me, Teddy. I'm a woman.

Me. I have a boat.

Meet me in the driveway, and get ready to sweat. Hi, honey.

Men didn't lift a finger.

Men don't talk about feelings.

Meteor or alien invasion.

Mid 30. Mid...

Might even be the same can of shrimp.

Minus 20 points.

Minus 30 for being funny in the car. This is a serious place.

Minus 50 for not understanding clocks. You're out of points.

Minus a hundred points.

Miss Franklin's bachelorette party is in the hotel bar.

Mm hmm.

Mm hmm.

Mm hmm. And that wounded dove

Mm hmm. Does your pantheon have a cheater's basement? Huh?

Mm hmm. Still working at the library.

Mm hmm. We're a catch, and we got caught.

Mm, but they're all the same, so I was thinking,

Mm, I don't know. Maybe you should still try the obstacle course.

Mm, yeah. Oh, but we can't. We have date night with Don and Marcy.

Mm.

Mm. Yeah. The only thing I can't figure out is

Mom, Dad and Adam are having an affair with a mother daughter team.

Mom, Dad, Marcy's sick. Will you watch Parker for me?

Mom, do you have time to talk about Madison?

Mom, I've made my decision,

Mom, maybe you should head upstairs. I don't know how long he can hold her.

Mom, this is my boss, Karen.

Mom, this week has been so fun.

Mom, you need to leave. You're making a scene.

Mom?

Mom?

Mom? What are you doing here? You just dropped me off.

Mom.

Morning, fellas.

Morning, honey.

Mr. and Mrs. Burns, the doctor's ready for you.

Mrs. Branch?

Mrs. Branch.

My ankle still hurts from stomping on the imaginary brake.

My arms did, but my heart never will.

My bad. He's just eating.

My big, buff buffer.

My car runs into a snowbank,

My crimes are nothing compared to yours.

My dad and Don at a Steelers game. Jeez.

My dad and Don have found a new and even more hurtful way of excluding me.

My dad can get Teddy into shape.

My dad got a pacemaker today. He's fine.

My dad is not having an affair, Lowell.

My fault because I was smothering him.

My favorite band and my favorite grades.

My favorite four words in the English language.

My generation handed down a paradise to our sons.

My girls are in their fifth year of Chinese,

My guy's good.

My honesty and your man made magic.

My husband and I taught the boys wonderful communication.

My mom's gotta go.

My point is, I may have to populate the human race.

My problem was, it was always a hypothetical boat,

My uniform's on, they sang the national anthem,

My wife is happy, but I'm living with my mother in law.

Nah, it's fine.

Nah, that's okay, I'm good.

Nah, they're out. They don't watch TV. They talk to each other.

Neither of us wanted to do something, and instead of working it out,

Never a doubt. In fact, I made you a special dinner to celebrate.

Never again.

Next year, I'm trying out for wolf.

Nice jugs!

Nice move, honey.

Nice to meet you. I'm Wally.

Nice try, Arthur.

Nice try, Teddy.

No No.

No cheating and no talking to me from the bathroom.

No one can save you now.

No one in this family's safe with her kind of raw sexuality around.

No one uses clocks anymore. What would it be on a phone?

No one will top this.

No way. Therapists always agree with the wife.

No, Bessica.

No, Bev, Bev, I didn't mean for any of this to happen.

No, but maybe you could fill up your other wife's DVR

No, but Teddy got through to me.

No, he could be telling the truth. I know Parker's staying with them.

No, he doesn't need a plan.

No, homework's out. This is just your life now.

No, I just wanted to go for a drive.

No, I told her to take a hike.

No, I won great arch support.

No, I'm here to take care of Marcy. She called and told me how sick she is.

No, I'm not.

No, I'm saying we need to be ready.

No, it is our 20th anniversary this weekend,

No, it was Lowell's idea. I would never suggest that.

No, it's just a washcloth. I have a headache. I'm sorry, honey.

No, it's just Friday, or, as I like to call it, "Fri yay."

No, no, it's a great story.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

No, no, no, no.

No, no, no, no. It's 51 49.

No, no, no. No, no texting.

No, no, you can't tell Andi.

No, no. I'm just happy. This is my idea of a perfect life.

No, no. No, no, no, no. This is serious.

No, no. Put that back. It's what made Marcy sick.

No, no. You'll be a hero.

No, nope. Not talking to a guy who wears flip flops after dark.

No, not there, the other there.

No, please, listen.

No, she's mad at me again. I didn't pick her up from exercise class.

No, she's not ready. I told you.

No, snacks are for closers.

No, thanks, I'm not hungry.

No, thanks. I had two cups after dinner. I'll call the doctor tomorrow.

No, thanks. I started this, and I'm gonna finish it.

No, that was the scariest thing that's ever happened to me.

No, that's not what I'm talking about. Andi, that's not what I'm talking about.

No, this is from Happy Burger.

No, we agreed on therapy, which we got,

No, we're not. Stay with me, Felicia.

No, you check your mirrors.

No, you don't.

No!

No! I would never do that.

No.

No.

No. But now I need a minute.

No. I mean yes. But no.

No. I won't sit across the dinner table from Don and his owl.

No. I'll do all my homework forever. I swear.

No. It has to pass dress code, so we need an old person's opinion.

No. It's a consultation.

No. It's bigger and less selfish than that.

No. It's not worth it.

No. No, no, no, no. [chuckles] Therapy is not for guys like me.

No. Normally, I'm on team Andi, but this is for Joe.

No. Okay, we are proud of him,

No. Thanks to you, Andi says it's something we should consider.

No. We are not doormats. We are...

No. Well...

No. You're always putting me in the middle.

Nobody leaves until everybody's ready!

None of this would've happened if you hadn't gotten in his head.

Nope, it's on.

Nope.

Nope. And I don't plan on it.

Nope. I just needed villagers.

Nope. Not happening. [chuckles]

Nope. She's just like the other ones.

Normally, I don't like doing nice things for people,

Not a problem.

Not a problem. We Burns have driving in our blood.

Not again! Fool me once!

Not anymore!

Not everything's an affair, Lowell.

Not faster than a lion.

Not great.

Not in front of the dame.

Not interested.

Not like a ten year old and her mother.

Not now, Tall Teddy!

Not only can she drive our food, she can drive our other kids.

Not there.

Not to me, to Andi. You did it again there.

Not yet. [chuckles]

Nothing concrete, but I have an idea.

Nothing that comes out of me helps anybody.

Nothing?

Nothing. We just blew up their biggest move.

Now I know I can let her go because I have you guys.

Now I'm stuck in a house with two women who can't communicate.

Now listen, getting out of the friend zone is tricky.

Now put your hands at 10:00 and 2:00, like a clock.

Now that I've bought a boat, I'm working from a place of fear.

Now that she understands why the boat's been a dream of his,

Now we accomplished something today.

Now we can both drive.

Now we're both graduates of Camp Tough Nuts.

Now we're getting somewhere.

Now you're grooving, so you hit her with:

Now, any romance is a complicated operation.

Now, couches are okay with a two cushion buffer.

Now, imagine if your wife was as fun as a boat.

Now, just remember the jug band isn't for us, it's for our friends.

Now, Katie, I don't want what happened last time to happen again.

Now? Why?

Objection. I would like to make a rebuttal toast.

Obviously, I'm not gonna get a... I can't even say it.

Of course he did, he's your husband.

Of course I do.

Of course I do.

Of course you would.

Of course, honey.

Of course, I'll have to get used to her being herself around me,

Of course, nothing compares to life over the road,

Of course, of course. But I'm not gonna leave you there by yourself.

Of course, you're together.

Of spoiling one of the biggest moments of her life.

Of what happens to kids who don't do their homework.

Oh, Adam, I love your little jokes.

Oh, Adam's behind this, huh? He's got nothing, right?

Oh, Alice, I'm sorry.

Oh, and Adam already packed your suitcase.

Oh, and I have to tell you, I am loving this sexual freedom.

Oh, and I'm throwing it because I'm her favorite person in the world.

Oh, Andi.

Oh, bonus, I won't have to take the SATs next week.

Oh, but you know that I love you like a son,

Oh, by the way, you have a beautiful

Oh, Chuck wasn't available,

Oh, come on, it was a candy bar.

Oh, dinner. That's why I came in here.

Oh, Don was just telling me how we're all gonna die.

Oh, Donald.

Oh, everyone be quiet, the divorced guy's talking.

Oh, for crying out loud. Lowell, Jen's getting married again.

Oh, Frank and I have known this was coming for a long time.

Oh, God, I hope it was a bear.

Oh, good, the crazy vigilante is home.

Oh, good, you found my brownies. I was saving those.

Oh, good. You're back.

Oh, goodie.

Oh, he and Joe are camped out at some new fishing store all night.

Oh, he left for couples therapy again. Thanks for helping me up, by the way.

Oh, he's got a lot more than juice running through his system right now.

Oh, he's having a staycation with George and Fred.

Oh, here she is.

Oh, here we are.

Oh, hey, one more thing.

Oh, hi.

Oh, honey, I'm so sorry.

Oh, honey, I'm sorry. Are you upset?

Oh, honey, it was so sweet of you to think of me.

Oh, honey? You can take that thing with you.

Oh, I am gonna throw the best party ever for the lady who likes me the best.

Oh, I can't wait to tell you my new idea for a cooking show.

Oh, I didn't. Don did.

Oh, I thought this might work.

Oh, I used a new strategy: I didn't tell her.

Oh, I used my Swiss Army knife.

Oh, I was, and then Teddy texted, "Mom, emergency, need deodorant ASAP."

Oh, I'm so proud of you.

Oh, it looks fine.

Oh, it's so real to me now.

Oh, Joe's here.

Oh, let's go. Oh!

Oh, like this.

Oh, look at this.

Oh, look, it's 2:45.

Oh, look. We finally got our big eyed lip tremble.

Oh, Lowell, I know it's hard, but we're here for you.

Oh, man! Can't we just have sex?

Oh, my God, I've always wanted to stay here.

Oh, my God, we are.

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Did something happen to the Yorkies?

Oh, my God. Getting the school involved?

Oh, my God. Marcy, wake up. Chuck Chuck is a ringer.

Oh, my lands. A surprise party just for me?

Oh, my school's not doing grades anymore.

Oh, nice to see you, son who didn't marry Marcy.

Oh, no, don't be. I am rediscovering who I am.

Oh, no.

Oh, no.

Oh, no. No, I'm right.

Oh, no. There's Don and Marcy.

Oh, oh.

Oh, please.

Oh, really? Like what?

Oh, really? You know,

Oh, say no more. Your comfort is my priority,

Oh, she was playing street ball with some neighborhood toughs.

Oh, so this is your fault, I like that.

Oh, so your dad took your boat.

Oh, sorry, Andi. Didn't you hear? He wants a different lifestyle.

Oh, sorry, oops. Excuse me.

Oh, thank God. I was trying to be a better person, but it just doesn't feel like me.

Oh, that looks delicious, but how about if we start with dessert?

Oh, that's new. [chuckles] I like it.

Oh, that's not so bad.

Oh, that's over. I thought she took my breath away,

Oh, that's right. The mall. [chuckles]

Oh, that's right. We have his phone.

Oh, that's what they tell me.

Oh, there she is.

Oh, there's a woman. Are you here to take care of the kid?

Oh, there's my girl.

Oh, they always come back,

Oh, they're young now. I see.

Oh, uh, I do have one favor to ask you guys.

Oh, we watch a lot of cooking shows.

Oh, well... but you were already planning on it, so why not you?

Oh, which means you'll have to take the girls shopping this afternoon.

Oh, whoa, whoa. I wouldn't go outside with that man bear around. No, no, no.

Oh, yeah, the wives love it when you do your homework.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Oh, yeah? Well, I'd fight you right now,

Oh, yeah? Well, I'll tell you what, Marcy.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. I don't need the details.

Oh, yeah. They won't try a new place. They always just want to go to Mick's.

Oh, yeah. Whee!

Oh, you are not gonna believe what happened.

Oh, you found that? I got that for you as a surprise.

Oh, you here to blame me for something, too?

Oh, you think it looks good now, you just wait till I'm done.

Oh, you think we're alone? [chuckles] No, no. We are not alone.

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh! I got it.

Oh! Katie...

Oh! Well, then, no, thank you.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh. [chuckles]

Oh. [clears throat] Wow. Maybe you should pick your own bra.

Oh. Actually, I do the budget.

Oh. And you already closed the door.

Oh. Click "modify hotel reservation."

Oh. Great. They're all yours.

Oh. He's got you counting toothpicks, huh?

Oh. Hi, Joe.

Oh. Hot date?

Oh. How many times do I have to tell you?

Oh. I get it.

Oh. I stopped to check on Don and Marcy, and I found this chicken salad.

Oh. I'm just happy that my daughter wants me around forever.

Oh. It was so beautiful.

Oh. Lowell, you have to go. Now!

Oh. No, we're not hands on anymore.

Oh. No. Great. Great.

Oh. Okay, but in a year,

Oh. Okay.

Oh. So I'm the sexy wolf.

Oh. Sounds like a lot of paperwork for nothing.

Oh. That's right: ducks.

Oh. Uh, listen, I don't want you guys to worry

Oh. Uh...

Oh. Well, all right.

Oh. Well, let's find out.

Oh. Well, that makes sense.

Oh. Yeah, no, uh, Lowell, I'm wearing the wrong bra.

Oh. You guys are doing a good thing.

Oh. You know, it makes sense when a man says it.

Oh...

Oh... so it's a hit job, huh?

Okay,

Okay, bad news. They're out of breakfast tacos.

Okay, boys.

Okay, but we can work around that

Okay, but you can't come to my work anymore.

Okay, but, you know, until we figure it out,

Okay, come here, honey.

Okay, come on, Alice. Put your game face on. We are walking.

Okay, everyone, you'll want to gather round.

Okay, fine. I promise.

Okay, first, no girls in your room with the door closed

Okay, Fonzie.

Okay, girls, great work. Keep those grades up.

Okay, go ahead.

Okay, good, she outbid you. Now give me the paddle.

Okay, good. We are back on track.

Okay, got it.

Okay, great.

Okay, guys. We're back. Next up, lot 48.

Okay, he can't be my best friend because a best friend wouldn't quit on me.

Okay, here's one:

Okay, here's the last one.

Okay, here's the recipe: shrimp scampi with handmade gnocchi.

Okay, here's what we'll do about the anniversary, right?

Okay, here's your apology.

Okay, hey!

Okay, hold on, hold on. Don't get too excited.

Okay, honey, sure.

Okay, I got cocky. Let's focus. [clears throat]

Okay, I should probably admit Wait. Before I do, how much do you know?

Okay, I think they're really asleep now.

Okay, I think we've covered enough lies for one night.

Okay, I'll cancel our reservations.

Okay, if I don't know what women want, how did I get you?

Okay, if we're gonna be partners, you can't say stuff like that.

Okay, let go, Lowell.

Okay, let's think about this. Um...

Okay, look, I know where this is going.

Okay, look. Tuition: $300. We can swing that.

Okay, Lowell, just because Jen wants a one nighter,

Okay, Lowell, since this is your first foreclosure auction,

Okay, now dial it down a little.

Okay, now we need to focus on finishing this thing

Okay, okay.

Okay, Runcrest Military Academy.

Okay, she'll see me doing my homework by listening to the doctor,

Okay, so it's not my dad. Did you see anything else up there?

Okay, so your big worry is a doomsday orgy fantasy?

Okay, so, uh, we'll start work on the new house tomorrow.

Okay, thanks for stopping by.

Okay, that's it. Go back to fooling around already.

Okay, that's one for Felicia.

Okay, that's the last one.

Okay, this is your mother's birthday. It is not about you.

Okay, two things,

Okay, two, you're really grossing me out. I just wanted to say that again.

Okay, uh, put your hands on the wheel.

Okay, uh, well, how does it affect your life?

Okay, uh... Ooh.

Okay, wait a minute.

Okay, we are not getting a boat.

Okay, well, first of all, in terms of mall trips,

Okay, well, if you don't want it, I guess I'll eat it.

Okay, well, let's narrow down our options, right?

Okay, well, then, I guess you can have your phone back.

Okay, what's the worst room in a hotel?

Okay, yes. I did everything wrong.

Okay, you caught me not being entirely honest with you,

Okay, you got this, babe, all right?

Okay, you know what?

Okay, you're right. That's fair.

Okay, your job is to take this messy pile of bricks over here

Okay, your mother and I had a talk.

Okay? All right, now go get 'em. Come on.

Okay? I am a well known wooer.

Okay? I'm off to babysit your mom and keep her distracted.

Okay? People can grow.

Okay? Set up a situation

Okay? The hard part's not going to the moon, it's getting home.

Okay? You can't just turn me on.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay. All right. Hey.

Okay. All set. The only thing left to do is hit "confirm changes."

Okay. Before we get to that,

Okay. But just so you know, in ancient Holland,

Okay. Deal.

Okay. How about this? I'll go for a consultation

Okay. I didn't want to have to do this, but...

Okay. I used the flower budget to recreate a wedding cake from the '60s.

Okay. I'll do anything for money.

Okay. I'm gonna need a ladder and a lobotomy.

Okay. I'm ready.

Okay. It's time, Teddy.

Okay. Let's figure out this budget.

Okay. Nice knowing you, Rex.

Okay. No more toasts.

Okay. Okay, okay, okay. No more of this.

Okay. Okay. Okay.

Okay. So, for my wife's happiness,

Okay. Trust the lie, Adam.

Okay. Um... here's the truth.

Okay. We are way over budget on the new house we're flipping.

Okay. Well, he said he gets nervous talking to Madison,

Okay. Well, just know that I'm here for you.

Okay. Well, thanks for letting him stay.

Okay. Well, uh, I better get going too.

Okay. Yeah, you're right.

Okay. You don't like spaghetti.

Okay. You seem confident.

Old wind chime Bob?

On a boat? Sure.

On second thought, I'd rather eat in.

On second thought, maybe you don't want kids.

Once she gets her license, she can run errands,

Once you're done digging,

One afternoon and you never have to worry about it again.

One balloon ride and you're Antonio Banderas.

One dressy, one everyday.

One for Dad and one for his favorite son.

One glass, two straws.

One glass, two straws.

One more wrong answer and you fail. No pressure.

One of us! My money's on your mom!

One quick cry in her sweatshirt, and I'll be back.

One time, when Teddy was little and got strep throat

One, I'm in the room, and you're grossing me out.

Only animals eat spaghetti for breakfast.

Only Jesus can do that.

Ooh, A, B, B, A. ABBA. [laughs]

Ooh, I like that you're adding some new plays to the game.

Ooh, I've been wanting to go there because the name sounds exotic,

Ooh, pretend like you're saying something into your headset.

Ooh, you're lucky.

Ooh!

Ooh!

Ooh! He just dropped a brick on his foot.

Ooh.

Ooh.

Ooh.

Ooh. And guess what.

Ooh. Chicken salad. Now we're talking.

Ooh. I got a lot more than brunch planned.

Ooh. Let me hold that for you.

Ooh. What if we stop it before it happens?

Ooh. What's that? Sticker machine?

Ooh. You should call it Cook What You Kill.

Ooh... that's not bad.

Open and honest.

Or a Ferris wheel, huh?

Or a say in anything.

Or at least a place with less spiders. Ah!

Or C, all of the above?

Or don't do that, and get yourself a girlfriend.

Or everything else is out of whack.

Or have your brother back?

Or he could just learn it on his own.

Or none of this would have happened

Or smaller.

Or the same.

Or we can help you sink below.

Or we do my thing.

Or we might have a fourth kid.

Or we'll slam your fingers.

Or when you're accepting your Nobel Prize, your choice.

Or will I?

Or you could just do it with lady on top. Let gravity do the work.

Or your mom!

Or, in this case, the extra 1,000 miles.

Orlando is a poorly designed city.

Our dad always told us to rub some dirt on it and walk it off.

Our daughter still isn't going to college. She won't even take the SATs.

Our houses are full of damn pillows.

Our kids are gonna be working for his kids.

Our old dog Rex.

Our relationship has changed.

Our relationship has changed.

Our Uber driver asked my mom for her number.

Our whole relationship has changed. I can finally be myself around her.

Parker just said I look like Shrek.

Parker's a kid. Marcy is a woman.

Pay attention.

People go up there for other reasons.

People who think it's funny when we break old chairs.

People who, when you meet 'em, you feel like you already know 'em.

People with food poisoning don't eat flamin' hot anything.

Phew. Talk about dropping out of the marathon at mile 25.

Picking the perfect color scheme for your mom's birthday.

Please, please don't do the train thing.

Pocket bacon.

Poor Katie. No wonder she was asking to go to church.

Prepare to apologize.

Pretty much.

Probably just an affair.

Probably not, but maybe.

Pull my hair once in a while."

Putting it together with another thought, and making a new thought.

Ran out in front of the bookmobile.

Read the room, Andi.

Really?

Really? Here?

Really? That means a lot.

Really? That's awesome. Thanks, Mom.

Relax, I have a plan.

Remember how loud he cries?

Remember the thing I said about giving that waitress $10?

Remember what I taught you?

Remember when he was going down the hill on his bicycle,

Remember when you tried those pot brownies before the Van Halen concert?

Remember, as soon as Katie heard the words "military school,"

Remembered what?

Revenge, Don. I'm talking about revenge.

Right behind you. Oh, uh, just got to do one thing.

Right on.

Right when the kids are at my folks'

Right, Lowell?

Right, right. The fishing store.

Right? And I needed witnesses.

Right? If we work together, we can save the day.

Right. Get with someone else. That's what I did when I got dumped.

Right. I'll text the neighbors and let them know it's safe to go outside.

Right. Our fight or flight instinct kicked in.

Right. So whenever Marcy suggests some nutty thing,

Right. We just want them to have a good time.

Right. Well, bye... Oh. You already hung up.

Rise and shine, cadet.

Run along, boy. This is grown up time.

Runcrest Military Academy.

Ryan Gosling wrote Rachel McAdams a letter every day for a year.

Sad and scared. Now we know we're good parents.

Sad and Scared. That's a good title for our book.

Same great body, new great attitude.

Same rules as the ceiling fan.

Save me a seat in Spanish class.

Security, we've got a crazy mom in junior accessories.

See how she used her body to relax him? That's what I was talking about.

See what Dr. Chuck thinks about the boat. [chuckles]

See what I did there? I am one silver tongued devil.

See you around 10:00.

See you on the other side, brother.

See you on the other side, brother.

See, look, she's fine. She's at the Whitestone Overlook.

See, most people when they get caught, they admit the truth

See, normally people go to college to get a job,

See, now, your dad, he wanted his wife to be this bra.

See, the thing is, Uncle Don, Teddy wants a different lifestyle.

See, you know me so well.

See? Doesn't the truth feel better?

Senior women get mad about the cute clothes we have.

Seriously, you have to stop talking before this whole house turns to ash.

Sex. Men and women only drink together to loosen up for boom boom time.

Sexist?

She already turned the thermostat up to 80.

She asked if I wanted to go, and now I regret saying no.

She came up with that dynamite lasagna story.

She caught your father and me in a compromising position.

She could cheat on him with me.

She could just be using you. I mean, ladies like cheap sex too.

She definitely wants me back.

She didn't answer about the Cheetos. She accused me of doing something wrong.

She didn't even tell me this. She made you do it.

She didn't know about the boat.

She doesn't get impressed. Sorry you had to hear that from me.

She doesn't know you know she'd like to do.

She is a boat hater.

She is dependable, trustworthy, loyal.

She is, but she makes Andi crazy.

She just thinks I got drunk and want to be a duck.

She knows you have nothing planned. She put something there, she told me.

She made the whole decision without me.

She masterminded the whole plan to keep it a secret from you. Right, Marcy?

She probably wants me to stay over tomorrow. I should pack a bag.

She put you in a crappy situation. We're gonna do the same thing to her.

She puts stuff in the trash. I take the trash out. I stay in my lane.

She said lunch was on her, so I stopped asking questions.

She says I've gotten complacent and I don't romance her anymore.

She thinks you're lying again.

She throws a pork chop at my head.

She told me some tough news.

She turned the tables pretty quick. I see how she gets her way a lot.

She wants me to take Katie driving again, and I need time to recuperate.

She wants to get a drink.

She wants to make it happen.

She was gonna let me hit her with a board.

She was in his room yesterday. She hasn't been in there

She wasn't using it anyway.

She wishes. [laughs]

She'll tell your mom.

She's a grandmother. Why can't she just bake some cookies?

She's a Postkate.

She's calling her friend Janette.

She's coming out strongly against it.

She's marrying someone else.

She's marrying your divorce lawyer.

She's not going anywhere. We've just started to bond.

She's not gonna go for any of those.

She's not gonna want to hang out with you.

She's out buying new towels.

She's playing you, man.

She's still mad at you?

Shh. Shh.

Should be...

Should I sit down or stand up?

Should we have told him what the kids did?

Shows what you know. I got this at grown up Gap.

Shows you how little you pick up a check, by the way.

Shrimp scampi and handmade gnocchi.

Shut up!

Since Andi's at the doctor, I wanted to be home when she gets back.

Since I hire all the subs and do the budgets.

Since I've been going to therapy.

Since she caught him trying to twerk in front of his mirror.

Since that night I zipped you, I've been dying to dip you.

Since we can't get you to do your homework,

Since you let it expire,

Siri?

Sixteen year olds can't vote, they can't drink,

Slow down.

Smart to get rid of the bat, huh?

Snap out of it, Andi. I'm gonna put an end to this.

Snoop around, see how he's doing and report back to me?

So all that stuff the therapy, the brownie, the kids

So any instrument a Muppet would play?

So awesome!

So Dad and I have hats, and Don doesn't.

So Dad and I wanted to camp outside on the sidewalk tonight

So Don and Lowell were in on it, too?

So far, nothing.

So Frank and Alice are calling it a day, huh?

So good luck with your new couple.

So he overthought it and rented an RV.

So how do you feel about telling the truth and not having people believe it?

So how's your shift going?

So I am the wife.

So I asked louder and louder

So I could never push it across the finish line.

So I felt betrayed and came home.

So I got Don to eat the chicken salad, and now Andi is at the mall.

So I have a week to figure out how to get a yes from Andi.

So I invited the guys over to share in my victory

So I lied.

So I made an appointment with his colleague, Dr. Felicia.

So I made us a dinner reservation at La Traviata.

So I punish them by taking away their cellos.

So I thought I'd surprise you.

So I told her I loaned it to you.

So I told him to send her a text explaining how he feels about her.

So I wasn't gonna tell you.

So I went for it.

So I'd drop her off with her friends and then secretly follow her around?

So I'm gonna treat you like a married couple.

So I'm gonna zag on home and take a nap.

So I'm sending them to a bar

So it's "blame the mother" time.

So Joe's getting a pacemaker and there's no fishing store?

So Kate got her license and you lost yours.

So let the DMV be the bad guy. If she's not ready, no license.

So much better. Yeah, you know, it really will set you free.

So much! I am having a blast.

So not only does Jen not want to get back together with Lowell,

So now Adam and Andi have new couple friends, and we're alone again.

So now it just looks like you married Marcy.

So please just go.

So Teddy and Kate formed a criminal conspiracy.

So that Andi will believe the real lie.

So that we can be first in line tomorrow.

So that's what you've been dealing with all these years?

So that's where you were. But I don't get it.

So the bad stuff was all made up?

So the idea of the boat is very emotional for you.

So there must be something deeper going on.

So there's only one thing left to do.

So this must be really hard for you because you're alone and we're not.

So to make her like me, I told her I had a boat.

So we finally cracked the case.

So we need to come up with a good story to explain why I'm gone all night.

So we were thinking maybe you could be our couple friends.

So we're gonna threaten to send Teddy where we threatened to send her.

So we're not getting a boat.

So what do we do?

So what happened when you told Adam you didn't like the trip?

So what's it gonna be, Teddy? Huh? Homework or military school?

So what's next?

So when I came over, you got me to accidentally blab something about Adam?

So when you don't call, I won't be available.

So who are they, and where'd they come from?

So whose hat is this?

So you can thank me now

So you know.

So you lit a bunch of candles, and then you took your shirt off to fix it?

So you stole his phone?

So you'll never have sex again.

So you're looking for bacon lovers that laugh at other people's misfortunes

So you're not dead in a ditch.

So you're not tempted while you're driving.

So you're really trying to impress her, huh?

So your dad's his alibi.

So, Andi, maybe we should have dinner on my new boat tonight.

So, be the mature one and just apologize for not listening to his idea.

So, by process of elimination, it's "C, freight only."

So, did you get through to Teddy?

So, did you talk to Don yet?

So, do you have any interest in being part of a barbershop quartet with me?

So, here's to your sexual awakening, I guess.

So, how do you get a duck's life?

So, how do you plan on resolving things with Adam?

So, I can't lie to Andi,

So, I have to water the lawn with this or do my homework?

So, I hear we're going to be talking about a boat today.

So, I was just talking to Kate.

So, if I had caught this before it expired, I wouldn't have to take the test?

So, if you want whipped cream in your coffee, let me know.

So, just get Andi to ask Alice to leave.

So, Lowell, we have something to tell you, and there there's no easy way to say it.

So, now will you admit that I'm an excellent driver?

So, Teddy, if you want this girl to like you,

So, the precious moment that I remember

So, the question is, whose happiness is more important, yours or Andi's?

So, then, don't do it.

So, this next house looks perfect for us to flip.

So, to recap: Dad, pacemaker, a son's love.

So, uh, I guess I'll see you tomorrow morning.

So, uh, what's going on?

So, uh, where are we headed?

So, um, I've been off the pill for a few days, and I feel pretty good.

So, we'll have an anniversary brunch, problem solved.

So, we're good?

So, what do you do for that, a pill or something?

So, what do you guys do on the weekends?

So, what's new with you guys?

So, what's the big news?

So, yes, I will have another beer.

So, you both need an excuse to be out of the house tomorrow night.

So, you guys are Buddhists, huh?

So... [sighs]

So... Marcy, say it.

So... what if I take her to the woods,

Sold to the tall guy and his little buddy!

Solid nickname.

Some fish.

Some guys even do the procedure during the consultation.

Some kind of animal ran off with our rib eyes.

Somehow I got you all to myself. [chuckles]

Someone did. He took my wife.

Someone took my boat last night, and then they brought it back.

Someone's at the door?

Something seems to be happening to you.

Something that says I know stuff about you.

Something that says I'm willing to work on my faults, but that I don't have any.

Something we've secretly always wanted to do.

Something's going on. I need to get to the bottom of it.

Something's up.

Sometimes being yourself isn't enough.

Sometimes I don't get you at all.

Sometimes in the afternoon, I leave work and take a nap in your bed.

Sooner's better. Before Tuesday, for example.

Sorry for your loss.

Sorry we're late. We were making out in the car like teenagers.

Sorry we're late. We're talking to this super boring couple over here.

Sorry you had to hear that from me.

Sorry, honey, looks like you brought a cake to a gunfight.

Sorry, honey, you're outnumbered.

Sorry, I don't date guys shorter than me.

Sorry, Mom, I'm going with Dad.

Sorry, we don't own a television. [chuckles]

Sound good, Andi?

Sounds awfully permanent, Lowell.

Sounds like a job for Old Tough Nuts.

Sounds like it really set you off.

Sounds like they're in a cult.

Sounds like we have a lot to talk about today.

Spill it, Dutch boy.

Stand up for yourself and push that button.

Start running. I've got a Dixie cup at home with your name on it.

Step out of the car, sir.

Stick those back in there.

Still in the driveway. Can you believe I did that?

Still no.

Still stuck at home with Marcy, huh?

Stop saying it!

Stop what you're doing. I got great news. Don just called and canceled dinner.

Stop!

Stop. Look in the drawer.

Stores close, Karens get fired,

Superman can fly. Batman has the Batmobile.

Sure, baby. Why don't you come chat about it under the covers?

Sure.

Sure. Anything.

Sure. Yeah.

Surgery is knives and scalpels and needles,

Sweet dreams, honey.

Sweetie, Kate was fine back then and she's fine now.

Take it from a guy who's been a maid of honor three times.

Take it home, Andi.

Take these forms to window 12 for your road test.

Take your pants off.

Talk face to face.

Teach a man to fish and he eats for a lifetime.

Teasing me.

Technically, men can lactate.

Teddy and Katie never hang out together.

Teddy is a Burns man, and he has finally found his thing.

Teddy is barely a teenager, Adam, and he has a girl in his room.

Teddy quit soccer a month ago. We've just been going to Froyo.

Teddy Roosevelt wouldn't even recognize you as a man.

Teddy started doing push ups outside my room,

Teddy was here. He'll tell you.

Teddy, did you see who took the boat?

Teddy, go to your room.

Teddy, if you don't start doing homework, we're gonna send you to military school.

Teddy, leave your sister's friends alone!

Teddy, my boy, you were born to the right father.

Teddy, no!

Teddy, relationships can't be planned.

Teddy, she's gone!

Teddy, Teddy's victory.

Teddy, the lessons will begin tomorrow.

Teddy, when you say you want her to be your girlfriend,

Teddy! Teddy, what happened? Teddy, open the door!

Teddy.

Teddy...

Tell him what happened when you didn't do your homework. He'll listen to you.

Tell you what, let me go talk to Andi, sell her on how great this is.

Tell your story walking.

Than by making you think that I blew it? Huh?

Than some guy who isn't but tries to make up for it in one day.

Thank you, Andi. He wouldn't even consider it.

Thank you, Mom.

Thank you, sweetheart.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you. [chuckles]

Thanks for coming. I really wanna knock Marcy's socks off,

Thanks for explaining, but I was never seriously considering it.

Thanks for letting me borrow your boat.

Thanks, Adam.

Thanks, baby.

Thanks, Dad.

Thanks, Don. You're a good brother.

Thanks, Dr. Chuck. Great session.

Thanks, Felicia. You've been very helpful.

Thanks, honey. That's very woke of you.

Thanks, Mom.

Thanks.

That "what if"?

That became clear to me when mall security followed me to my car.

That better mean "ouch" in Spanish.

That checks out so far.

That could work on Teddy.

That deletes the whole chain. How do you delete just one text?

That follows you everywhere.

That guy sleeps in the garage.

That guy's the worst double agent ever.

That I'm thinking we should discuss in private.

That is a crazy turn of events.

That is a great question.

That is some deep, ancient boy stuff.

That is something I would do!

That is the best 150 bucks I ever spent. [laughs]

That Jen Back to you, Marcy.

That made it even better.

That makes sense.

That makes sense. He said she couldn't get out of bed.

That means a lot, Mom.

That our relationship was based on a drugged bird.

That sounded sexy, but I know it's sad.

That sounds fair.

That sounds like an anybody but me situation.

That trick used to work so well on Katie.

That was a great anniversary surprise, Adam.

That was a long, quiet walk to the front door.

That was awesome!

That was from the blu garita.

That was fun, huh?

That was fun.

That was good. "Everything's on the table." Scary.

That was great, right? [chuckles]

That was holding back?

That was magic.

That was me. I told him to do that.

That was my favorite cup!

That was the worst hour of my life.

That was when she didn't want me back. Now she wants me back.

That way, when they pass out the freshly baked cookies,

That we could be less of a man.

That went nowhere. Andi wasn't even close to suggesting a boat.

That whole time I thought you weren't doing anything,

That would make sense.

That you brought over to my house to nurse back to health?

That you don't feel like you can be yourself around her?

That you might have a little brother coming soon.

That you're working on your relationship with your husband,

That'll be tough.

That'll take too long, you know?

That's a good point. I should go tell him I'm proud of him.

That's a great question, Andi. Doesn't make any sense.

That's a hill.

That's a nice offer, son, but your mother doesn't really care for Marcy.

That's a pass.

That's brave.

That's close. Yeah, I like where you're headed with this lake thing.

That's college level thinking without college level work.

That's deflection. She hit me with some verbal judo.

That's Don and Marcy.

That's equal rights.

That's for you and your rude friends.

That's French for "I took care of it, honey." [chuckles]

That's gonna explode and destroy the world.

That's gonna make this the least of your problems.

That's hard to do. This was no accident.

That's her idea. I wanted to surprise her.

That's how they got bin Laden.

That's it.

That's Italian for "I took care of it, honey." [chuckles]

That's just the way I write.

That's lucky.

That's make out point!

That's nice, but if you really want to dazzle her,

That's no big deal. We text each other all the time about the kids

That's not even a real duster.

That's not good. Deodorant's like a parachute

That's not how we do it.

That's not how we were raised.

That's not one of the things, although you can do mine in a lake.

That's not the way it works.

That's not the way to start.

That's not true.

That's not true.

That's not very nice. She never says anything bad about you.

That's okay. I like Grandpa.

That's only true if you think about it.

That's ridiculous.

That's right, Andi. Tell him.

That's right, baby. It's the new me.

That's right, but you're gonna have to pay,

That's right, honey. (mutters)

That's right.

That's right. 'Cause you're quitting this job.

That's right. I cold crotched him.

That's right. She passed her written test at the DMV and can now practice driving.

That's right. Too young.

That's right. We would've gone all the way,

That's right. We're at the Chateau Du Lac Resort.

That's smart. Don't let crazy people in your car.

That's smart. Yeah, get it checked out.

That's the "before" picture.

That's the application fee. This is the tuition.

That's the lies leaving your body.

That's the only way he knows things.

That's the point.

That's the spirit. Off you go.

That's the thing I'm realizing. I didn't want the boat just for me.

That's too specific. Eh...

That's true, even if they're not good ones.

That's true. I mean, I could have chosen flight.

That's true. Poor guy stopped chasing the Frisbee.

That's true. She's put you through a lot of polony.

That's very touching, Adam.

That's weird.

That's what family does.

That's what girls want.

That's what happens when you let the best thing in your life go.

That's what he used to call himself when I was in trouble.

That's what I am.

That's what I think.

That's what I was thinking.

That's what I'm here for.

That's what people do in a car, they leave.

That's what people do when they get their license.

That's what they would call the episode if it was Murder, She Wrote.

That's what this is about?

That's what we're all waiting for, right?

That's what's great about it.

That's when I realized that I was the one who wasn't ready.

That's when we knew we had her.

That's where I keep my father's ashes.

That's where the word came from.

That's why I had to play all those tricks and lock it down.

That's why I lie so good.

That's why I like you more than my secret second wife.

That's why she can't know. That's how we do it.

That's why they have handles in the showers.

That's why they ran out.

That's why you're teaching her. Look, Adam, I need Kate to drive.

The Admirals Club.

The Bainbridge is where we had our first date.

The best lies are perfectly seasoned with the truth.

The best part is, Don's excited to go to therapy.

The best part was she didn't know that I knew she wanted to do that.

The boat.

The boat's getting delivered Tuesday,

The boat's right there.

The citizens of Pittsburgh are trembling in fear.

The doctor got my test results back, and my headaches aren't from the pill.

The doctor said you're doing so well, you get to go home early.

The doctor? Is she okay?

The end? What happened to Rex?

The family business we started 20 years ago.

The first class you take in shrink school is

The game started an hour ago. Where you been?

The good news is, I called to check on him. He's doing great.

The guy you paid to sue her pants off took her pants off!

The higher the number, the more outside.

The kid's got natural talent, like his father before him.

The lady here's our next top bidder at 36!

The land of olive oil and hairy men.

The last time I accused Marcy of faking something, it almost ruined our honeymoon.

The lawn is watered.

The least fun day when I was your age, but the most fun day now.

The magic of getting you, a known cheapskate, to part with $10.

The man goes out to get the paper in his underwear.

The man who protects me from my greatest enemy...

The man. I hate that guy.

The most important thing to remember here is,

The music will do the work for you.

The neighbors had a whole meeting about it.

The nuts are better.

The older you get, the more distinguished you look.

The only downside is I've gained six pounds

The only lesson he learned is his father gives up.

The only proof I exist is a picture of my arm.

The only reason Andi would do that is if she knows Marcy's not sick anymore,

The only reason I ask is because there's certain numbers you can do in there

The only thing he'll know is how to get out of stacking bricks.

The only thing people are gonna trust you with is grunt work.

The only thing that would make it more perfect

The only threesome I will ever agree to.

The only way to get over this is to get right back on the horse.

The pill.

The point is, Andi cannot catch me lying to her.

The point is, it worked. Okay? You got Katie back on board with college.

The point is, we need a plan.

The point is... I won't tell Andi.

The pressure?

The question is: What do I do now?

The reason you get caught a lot

The roller rink deejay.

The RV tells you.

The soft spring night can only be enhanced by a beautiful woman.

The thing I like most about therapy is the honesty.

The wheels come off this whole family, Andi.

The written driver's test is on the tablet.

Then buy your own boat.

Then go to a different part of your room.

Then I give Andi a "no" that sticks.

Then I got interested, like a good podcast.

Then I just agree.

Then I'd be happy to assert my foot into your butt.

Then last night I invited her over to see my boat,

Then one day, she caught me riding the carousel

Then problem solved no vasectomy.

Then she'll break his heart and we'll be knee deep in man tears again.

Then take my girls to lunch. Maybe you can find out

Then you can patch it for her like I taught you last week.

There are blankets in there, Adam.

There are tons of mini documentaries about it on the Internet.

There could be a crazy man up here.

There he is. How'd it go, champ?

There is no coming back from eating her face on an apple.

There she is.

There she is. That's my boat.

There was a left hand turn where we went all the way around in a circle.

There were no more rules.

There were some complications during surgery.

There will never, ever be a boat in that driveway.

There you are.

There you are. I've been looking all over for you.

There, in the dusty corner where the vacuum can't reach.

There's a grand opening at this fishing store

There's another one in your wallet.

There's got to be one of those things around here somewhere.

There's got to be some part of her life we can screw up.

There's lots of 'em, and they're young.

There's my girl.

There's no goalie in the net.

There's no money in that account. I spent it all on the boat.

There's no mystery we can't solve.

There's no other there.

There's no shadow government.

There's no touching. We're just friends.

There's nothing going on in this town.

There's only one move left.

There's other forms of birth control.

There's so much left to teach you.

There's something wrong with your lasagna.

There's supposed to be a thousand,

There's two of us and there's only one of him.

These are the best looking shoes money can buy...

These were worn by kings.

They blossom naturally through chemistry.

They call it Runcrest because they make you run to a crest.

They can't see movies with boobs.

They charge ten bucks for parking.

They couldn't get enough of me.

They count those things every night.

They cropped me out!

They don't even have to be good looking.

They don't have the attention span to get through a pretzel.

They don't let you add Mountain Dew at the one by my house.

They get you out of any embarrassing situation.

They got their thinking caps on in the head office.

They hurt us, Andi.

They might be catching on that you're feeling better.

They might be.

They might try one or two other things, but it won't last.

They migrate.

They only want one thing.

They saw me kill their friend.

They say no idea is a bad idea, but they haven't heard that one.

They sound stupid.

They started letting people smile.

They were in on it together.

They weren't as strict as I wanted them to be.

They won't be hot anymore, they'll just be warm.

They'll be here as soon as their Segway's done charging.

They're asleep.

They're classics for a reason.

They're delicious, and they make me sleepy.

They're growing up so fast.

They're just doing homework. It's innocent.

They're piling up.

They're the ones that took my boat out last night.

They're too stressful.

Think about a hat if you're not gonna do anything with your hair.

Thirty eight to the lady. How about 39?

Thirty five to the tall guy in the back of the room. Thank you.

Thirty seven to the tall guy! How about 38?

This conversation has made me very sleepy.

This conversation is making me very uncomfortable.

This guy.

This has been the hardest week of my life.

This is as far as I'm coming in.

This is clearly a thorny issue. Let's keep talking about it.

This is crazy. I'm telling the truth, and nobody believes me.

This is exciting.

This is exciting.

This is gonna be harder than I thought. I can't do my usual anniversary stuff.

This is gonna be pretty magical.

This is gonna be so great.

This is how your man treats you when you wear pantyhose.

This is just his latest scam to get out of work.

This is like Bruce Lee's son saying he wants to learn kung fu.

This is my dad's hat.

This is my only chance.

This is my room.

This is nice.

This is not the house we're buying, Don.

This is so exciting. Come on in!

This is so great.

This is so sad.

This is the most critical part of the mission: re entry.

This is the only way it can work.

This is the real me.

This is very hard for a mother, so forgive me if I get emotional.

This is why I wanted you to come over. They're too short, right?

This is why no one likes coming here, Arthur.

This is worse than I thought. What am I gonna do now?

This looks amazing.

This place is great. My drink is blue.

This stuff with your dad sounds pretty shady.

This time I choose flight.

This will be our fourth friendaversary

Those are grandfathered in.

Those are our Yorkies.

Those are the only people that survive the big one.

Those shorts are what people put on before they put their shorts on.

Those things are full of people so lonely they'll go to a parents mixer.

Time is precious, and I didn't want it taking you away from the family.

Tina's a fitness instructor. Poke her six pack. Rock solid.

To Beverly Burns,

To figure out what you wanted, I had to read your diary.

To have a real conversation.

To pass on all this good stuff.

To say we were perfect for each other, we might not even be together.

To see if some cocktails will help them open up to each other.

To send you super honest text messages about his feelings.

To talk to Jen and find out her intentions.

To tell him she's marrying another guy?

To tell you that were wrong about everything.

To the bathroom.

Today, we're gonna try a point system. You start with a hundred points.

Together they make one boat stealing, burger eating,

Tomorrow you're digging holes in the backyard.

Tony Soprano did therapy.

Too late, I'm excited.

Too much?

Totally and completely.

Touch my husband again, and I'll unleash something.

Trust me, I have been both guys.

Try that.

Turns out I have a horrible caffeine addiction!

Two hours later, no Adam, no phone call, no nothing.

Ugh, bad news.

Ugh, of course.

Uh You stay.

Uh huh.

Uh huh. In the future, maybe run that stuff by us, okay?

Uh huh. Okay. Uh huh.

Uh oh.

Uh, already in bed. Yeah.

Uh, excuse me. Do you know what they're saying?

Uh, final answer.

Uh, hey, if you like the water,

Uh, in what sense? Can you put a number on it?

Uh, Kate, your dad's talking to me, and it's, like, you know?

Uh, listen.

Uh, maybe something more personal than that.

Uh, Mom, before you say anything, our house is usually much neater.

Uh, now's not a good time.

Uh, okay, I opened Jen's e mail.

Uh, okay, you got to dial it up a little, Lowell. All right?

Uh, that's too complicated to unhook.

Uh, uh, hold on, hold on.

Uh, wait Hold on.

Uh, we don't need to talk about that.

Uh, where are you going?

Uh, why do you have an extra cell phone?

Uh, yeah, no problem. It was like he was never even here.

Uh, you know, Adam, this could be a lot of work for you.

Uh...

Uh...

Uh... Just take it. Take the whole damn phone.

Uh... Oh, boy. Brace yourself.

Uh... Okay, you know what?

Uh... this is bad.

Um, let's go into the living room, huh?

Um...

Um... all right.

Unbelievable!

Unbelievable.

Under the table. I'll get her out of the room, you take off.

Unless she's preparing our love nest.

Until he doesn't, and then it's boxed nuts.

Until I learn how to be more romantic and thoughtful.

Until I realized I didn't have my phone and I was shouting at myself.

Up you go.

Upper bad.

Upstairs unpacking. She's really making herself comfortable.

Very bad, Lowell!

Wait a minute, how about this?

Wait a minute, that's the same speech you gave to Teddy last night.

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute. Why are we taking this lying down?

Wait a minute. You're breaking up with us?

Wait to be called. Next!

Wait, before you go on, I can tell that you're about to lie

Wait, I almost forgot.

Wait, so you're not mad at me for paying that waitress anymore?

Wait, wait, wait. We can't just do this.

Wait, what if she says no?

Wait, you're just gonna go sit on it alone in the driveway?

Wait. I need a favor. Ask your dad to turn down his pacemaker.

Wait. It's true? Daddy?

Wait. Kate was there?

Wait. She's not ready, or you're not ready?

Was a trick?

Was all because you already bought a boat?

Way ahead of you. We let them get away with it.

Way to go, Avengers. [laughs]

We already have a suspect, so you might as well come clean.

We are not bad people. We're normal.

We are not getting a boat.

We are the best thing that ever happened to you.

We brought you champagne to christen ye new vessel.

We call them "TNT," 'cause they're dynamite.

We can watch House Hunters.

We can't afford to put another consequence through college.

We can't leave them alone. Ugh, too bad.

We combine our superpowers, right?

We could get matching hats if that would make you feel better.

We could've said something instead of going behind your back.

We did a big loop, we're only about an hour away.

We did things we haven't done in years.

We didn't do that yesterday.

We didn't lose. We're just using guerrilla warfare now.

We do couples dinner at Mick's almost every week.

We don't care who they are or where they came from.

We don't even want to admit the possibility

We don't have that kind of time!

We don't need the details of your night out with the floozies.

We don't run.

We don't tell you all the things, but we think 'em.

We gave them human names so it wouldn't be weird when they eat at the table.

We get it. You agree with me.

We get lost, argue with Mom, and then eventually look at a map.

We get you and Madison in an elevator. I cut the power.

We have a system.

We have been secretly running this family for decades.

We have evidence.

We have two girls and one boy. You get to do it twice.

We haven't done some of that stuff since Nixon.

We just have to start this whole thing over.

We just like to talk to each other.

We just talked about it behind your backs.

We just want to keep things safe for the kids. License, please.

We know it has to be hormone free, so all that stuff is no good.

We know what they're doing, but they'll just deny it.

We need some Adam Burns magic.

We need some privacy to talk about your punishment.

We need to bring down the cost of the fixtures.

We need to get with a new couple as soon as possible.

We need to keep our hands to ourselves.

We never had a problem with that. We have a system.

We poison you.

We saw you guys at Jalapeño Kevin's.

We should enjoy this together. What's up, Kathy?

We should've gotten him on this stuff years ago.

We start at 8:00.

We stirred the pot. Enjoy the stew.

We think things.

We thought you didn't want to try anything new. You made fun of the jug band.

We tried to screw each other over.

We visit the zoo. We don't handle the animals.

We went out there looking for something better, and we couldn't find it.

We went out with another couple last night.

We were just looking for ways to help me deal with stress.

We were together all day trying to figure out who took my boat.

We were up late last night watching kung fu movies together.

We will sell it at a loss and move on.

We would've gotten arrested every time we parked for more than five minutes.

We'd laugh and crack dirty jokes.

We'll be cooler, but we might not wake up.

We'll delete Jen's text,

We'll never know if it was on purpose or not.

We'll start the bidding off at 35. How about $35,000 right here?

We'll start with unannounced visits.

We'll, uh... We'll just give Teddy a preview

We're all just going through the motions.

We're Buddhists, and we believe the universe brought you to us.

We're getting back together. Jump up and down with me.

We're going to Don's to see if he knows what's going on.

We're gonna actually send him to military school.

We're gonna clean up.

We're gonna do what I should've done when my first boyfriend cheated on me:

We're gonna need beers for this. I do better with some thinking juice.

We're good. Let's hug it out.

We're in! [chuckles] I've always wanted to say that.

We're just a couple of dames on the outside looking in.

We're just a couple standing in front of another couple,

We're just down the road from the world's largest felt tip pen.

We're just trying to fix what we screwed up.

We're leaving, Joe. We'll talk about this when we get home.

We're not doing that, Lowell.

We're not going out the back door like savages.

We're not keeping score, but that's one for my mom.

We're not strippers.

We're out here because I'm dodging Andi.

We're recreating our honeymoon RV trip.

We're so comfortable around each other now, we can shop for bras.

We're sorry it's come to this.

We're sorry that we took you for granted.

We're turning you over to your grandfather.

We're watching Finding Bigfoot.

We're Willy Wonka, and these people just got golden tickets. [chuckles]

We've been doing it like that ever since we started flipping houses.

We've been here 20 minutes, but it seems a lot longer.

We've been married 20 years. How hard can it be?

We've identified the problem,

We've never had a work meeting by candlelight before.

Welcome to our home. Ah, I see you found our favorite chair.

Welcome to the Bainbridge Hotel. May I help you?

Well said, Pop.

Well, a consultation seemed like a good idea.

Well, and I already liked you, too.

Well, anything but red, and she'll be fine.

Well, at least now you can take the girls to the mall.

Well, because I love my wife.

Well, call us in ten years, tell us how that's going.

Well, don't lie to him.

Well, enjoy your dinner.

Well, good for you.

Well, great.

Well, he called our bluff.

Well, he's got to learn that there is only one lifestyle:

Well, her color's good, she's not sweaty and she hurt my feelings.

Well, here's Dr. Chuck's card. You guys should give it a whirl.

Well, hold on, hold on. You forgot the best part.

Well, I am happy to handle the kids tonight.

Well, I can see why. [chuckles]

Well, I can't think of a reason why not.

Well, I could start the engine and turn on the AC,

Well, I didn't raise them alone, you know?

Well, I don't like that. Is there anything I can do?

Well, I don't want to go either.

Well, I have a solution.

Well, I hope you're not suggesting that it's in Adam's pants.

Well, I hope you're right.

Well, I just wanted to let you know that... I know.

Well, I know one thing for sure,

Well, I know that guy. His name's Bob. Hey, Bob.

Well, I know this isn't a great time, but I have more bad news.

Well, I think you're gonna have to try.

Well, I was going to suggest telling Kate honestly how you feel,

Well, I, uh... [clears throat]

Well, I... I just came to apologize.

Well, I'd be happy to help. I love a good mystery.

Well, I'd like her to sit with me at lunch.

Well, I'm glad that my mom and I are more open,

Well, I'm here now, and I have something to say.

Well, I'm sure you'll do great, honey.

Well, I'm using everything I didn't get a chance to use last night.

Well, I've been keeping quiet about this,

Well, I've got a date. Better head out.

Well, if Lowell's out, that means we're gonna be alone forever.

Well, if you can say what it is in front of the guys,

Well, if you don't like wearing one of those,

Well, if you feel the same way, I think it's time for a break.

Well, if you want to, you should.

Well, in that case, um...

Well, it is a big deal. I feel violated.

Well, it means that Kate and Teddy's philosophy really spoke to me.

Well, it really changed Don.

Well, it was worth a shot.

Well, it's about everything and nothing.

Well, it's been emotional

Well, it's hard for me to open up, too, but part of the therapy process

Well, it's not like I like making all the decisions.

Well, it's sad they're breaking up,

Well, let's make the best of it.

Well, listen, now that I understand it, I really appreciate what you do.

Well, look, I appreciate you guys working here today.

Well, look, you got to give Lowell his phone back. All right?

Well, luckily, we have Dr. Felicia.

Well, Marcy, I think it is so healthy

Well, maybe I could take a trip to Italy.

Well, maybe...

Well, my eyes may be small and beady, but there is love behind them!

Well, now I feel bad.

Well, now it's happening to me.

Well, numbers are boring.

Well, of course he is. They're always together.

Well, on my honeymoon, I saw the world's largest stuffed owl.

Well, once you took the pressure off,

Well, only if it's right for you.

Well, she has a job now, so she says she doesn't need college.

Well, some people are worker bees, some people are butterflies.

Well, take a seat, and let's do a little window shopping.

Well, that means a lot. [chuckles] And, to be honest, neither could we.

Well, that was fast.

Well, that's comforting to a father.

Well, that's easy.

Well, that's from Don's wedding.

Well, that's not us.

Well, that's way too specific, but yeah.

Well, that's why I was against the boat.

Well, the doctor says that my problem is hormonal.

Well, the neighborhood ladies like it. They had a whole meeting about it.

Well, then I'll just stay, too.

Well, then, I think tonight is all about you, me and Jalapeño Kevin.

Well, there was. Not give him back his phone.

Well, uh, Andi's gonna need to hear the news.

Well, uh, in the movies, you need a grand gesture.

Well, we feel the same way, but we didn't go behind your backs.

Well, we learned with Katie,

Well, we tried to delete just the one text,

Well, we've insulted each other. I think it's time to go.

Well, what about that picture you cropped me out of?

Well, what do we do?

Well, what's the big deal? Alice seems nice.

Well, why not? He's an impartial third party.

Well, yeah, obviously. [laughs]

Well, yeah, they have to be young.

Well, you ain't cheatin', you ain't tryin'.

Well, you know...

Well, you need to go home right now because I'll tell you something, Katie,

Well, you should've thought about that

Well, you're a great mom and you deserve better.

Well, you're clearly very passionate about boats.

Were going to the grand opening of some new fishing store.

Wha Jen's getting married?

Wha No.

What a guy.

What a guy.

What about a show where you can only cook what you kill?

What about me?

What about that boat?

What about that night in your apartment when the lights went out,

What about the little Adams?

What am I doing here? I was home watching golf.

What are they talking about?

What are we doing, boys?

What are we, doormats?

What are you covering up?

What are you doing here?

What are you doing here?

What are you doing here? Did you know this is make out point?

What are you doing in here?

What are you doing out here?

What are you doing to me?

What are you doing?

What are you doing?

What are you guys fighting about?

What are you talking to?

What can I say? People love me.

What changed your mind?

What did those guys do?

What do you What do you got there?

What do you mean, "we"? It was my idea.

What do you mean?

What do you think?

What do you want, sex?

What does Dad know about it?

What does that even mean?

What does that mean to you?

What happened at that auction?

What happened to the broad with the iron stomach?

What happened to the mirror?

What happened, and how upset am I gonna be?

What happened?

What happened?

What happened?

What happened? Did you push her bike home?

What happens if you go up there and yell at 'em?

What I know is, the most majestic mountains are covered in snow.

What if I get caught?

What if I want to have kids with lots of women?

What if we're not good people?

What if?

What is that for?

What is that, a blindfold?

What kind of bacon?

What kind of person has their ex meet her where they had their first date

What kind? No.

What plan?

What system? It's two guys in a truck throwing slushies at each other.

What the hell am I looking at?

What the hell am I looking at?

What was going on this morning?

What was that about?

What were you thinking?

What were you thinking?

What you doing?

What you said is so sexist.

What, you mean, like, babies?

What?

What?

What?

What?

What?

What?

What?

What?

What?

What?

What?

What? Are you okay?

What? Don't be ridiculous.

What? I didn't steal him.

What? I don't know.

What? I wouldn't even know how.

What? I'm not upset.

What? No, Don, I picked the house we're bidding on a week ago.

What? No, no, no. No. I was just being nice.

What? No! No!

What? No. Honey, honey. We have important things to discuss.

What? No. Marcy's fine.

What? Oh!

What? Okay, uh, so how do I fix that? I sign a form or...

What? Our daughter could be anywhere in this city right now

What? Someone already said that?

What? That doesn't make any sense. Where did you find this doctor?

What? That puts me in the middle again.

What? That's me.

What? What What don't you know?

What? What does that mean?

What? When did she tell you that?

What? Where did that come from?

What? Where's my boat?

What? Why don't you know what I'm talking about?

What? Why would I keep a secret from Andi?

What? You don't believe me?

What? You guys have a system, too?

What's all this?

What's Don doing here? He's supposed to be home taking care of Marcy.

What's going on?

What's happening?

What's happening? Something's happening.

What's her deal?

What's that supposed to mean?

What's that supposed to mean?

What's that? What are we doing?

What's the first thing you do before you start the vehicle?

What's the opposite of doormats?

What's the point?

What's the shortest way to explain that?

What's with the clogs, Lowell?

What's wrong, boy? You got a burr in your butt?

What's wrong?

Whatever it was, he knew what he was doing.

Whatever. Somebody isn't ready, so nobody leaves.

When Dad heard about that,

When I bought the boat,

When I get the high score, can I put my initials in?

When I heard he did couples therapy, I locked that down.

When I was supposed to find out your thing.

When Janette got wind chimes, we got wind chimes.

When people thought he faked the moon landing.

When Teddy sees this, he will know.

When was the last time I slept with someone

When we were on the boat,

When you get to zero, we are done driving until the next day. Hmm?

When you invited us over to watch the game,

When you made me tell her that her cranberry salad

When you surprise your wife with something you secretly noticed about her,

When you think about the boat, what comes to mind?

When's dinner?

When's it gonna be her turn to cry so loud the neighbors call the police

When's Lowell getting here?

Whenever I bring up something crazy that Don did,

Where am I gonna get one of those? That's my whole problem.

Where do I go?

Where do women keep their most personal secrets?

Where is she?

Where it looks like fate caused you to run into her.

Where the couch pillows better be fluffed.

Where'd that second blue captain's hat come from?

Where's Adam?

Where's Alice?

Where's Chuck?

Where's Chuck?

Where's Don?

Where's Donny? Adam's got big news.

Where's Marcy?

Where's my Dixie cup?

Where's my sweet great grandbaby?

Where's the fun in that?

Where's your report card?

Where's your supervolcano when I need it?

Which is basically in Canada.

Which is exactly 16 years before we met.

Which is exactly why I stole his phone to begin with.

Which is why I splurged on the ultrasoft.

Which is why we are here.

Which means I noticed she loves owls.

Which means she's in on it too.

Which means they're both a couple of flamin' hot liars.

Which means this is my dad's hat, which means we got him.

Which reminds me, you also said no to a Jacuzzi.

Which you thought was funny when it was only happening to me.

Who has two thumbs and just got her learner's permit?

Who has two thumbs and passed his DMV test?

Who is she marrying?

Who just woke up from a coma and forgot how to have sex.

Who knows? You don't tell the RV where you're going.

Who needs a hundred pillows nobody sleeps on?

Who said I'm the perfect age for this store.

Who talks like that?

Who was helping you?

Who you already know.

Who's here to take pictures of you she can post on Facebook.

Who's that? We're everybody you know.

Who's your dream couple?

Whoa, wait. What did you What did you find out?

Whoa, whoa, what? What about Scorpion Hill?

Whoa!

Whoo hoo! All right. Here we go. Okay.

Whoopsie doodle.

Whose wife doesn't like talking to you while you're in the bathroom?

Why am I the one who always gets hurt?

Why are we going this way?

Why are you here?

Why are you using your "I'm about to teach you a lesson" voice?

Why can't any of you keep your hands off each other?

Why can't you barely poison yourself like a normal person?

Why can't you just tell your mom

Why did you ask it like that? Are you wearing a wire?

Why did you leave a stack of bricks in your driveway?

Why did you quit?

Why didn't you guys just delete the text?

Why didn't you just say that?

Why didn't you let me go over and say something?

Why do you always have to go nuclear?

Why do you hate him?

Why do you think he's in his underwear?

Why does that sound so familiar?

Why don't we snoop in Andi's personal stuff for a clue?

Why don't we start with dessert?

Why is it so hard for you two to talk about your feelings?

Why is Teddy dressed like Lowell's ventriloquist dummy?

Why is the wife's no more powerful than the husband's yes?

Why not let the neighbors hear it?

Why not?

Why not?

Why not?

Why they've fallen behind in their Russian literature book club.

Why would Jen be staying at the Bainbridge tonight if she's meeting you tomorrow?

Why would she be at that lunch?

Why?

Why?

Why?

Why? 'Cause I passed my driver's test?

Why? What's the problem?

Will you call me that in front of other people?

Will you take us dress shopping for the spring formal?

With a doctor who specializes in Lowell's terrible idea.

With a green awning called "A Penny For Your Pots."

With a pair of binoculars around my neck.

With all the pills they have these days, old age is an endless sex party.

With feelings and everything.

With Finding Bigfoot.

With free muffins.

With her giant son begging her for hot dog money.

With their trashy new couple.

Without anybody judging you.

Without anything to back it up, she'll hit you with a "why."

Without calling or texting or any of the things people do.

Without Frank around,

Without me getting caught.

Without me. My boat, no me.

Without the makeup.

Without them, you'd never make it to the finish line.

Without us?

Wives will do that. That's why I don't have a snowmobile.

Wives, our beloved life partners, who take a flamethrower to our dreams.

Women are designed to take care of kids.

Work hard, then die.

Work? These are video game hands, not real life hands.

Would be if this couch was, I don't know, a boat.

Would you leave them alone?

Would you rather be alone and make all the decisions,

Would you tell Mommy why you're so sad all the time?

Wow, all smiley faces.

Wow! [forced laughter]

Wow! That's almost exactly what happened to you.

Wow.

Wow.

Wow.

Wow. [chuckles]

Wow. It's like North Korea over here.

Wow. Looks like the power went out.

Wow. Nice report card, Katie.

Wow. Um, okay. [chuckles] I'll make an appointment next week.

Wow. Well, it's nice to have options.

Yay! I mean, oh, sad for Marcy, but now it really is Fri yay.

Yeah, 20 bucks to do it,

Yeah, after Don started eating ice cream sandwiches as regular sandwiches,

Yeah, and they were right in front of us this whole time.

Yeah, and two hours after that is the world's largest french fry.

Yeah, but bacon's cool, right?

Yeah, but better, because we'll own it.

Yeah, but how do I know something she doesn't know I know?

Yeah, but I don't like it.

Yeah, but I just assumed that rules went out the window after I found out

Yeah, but Teddy didn't give us the big eye lip tremble.

Yeah, but that won't get Teddy to do his homework,

Yeah, but the beginning is where you have to be perfect,

Yeah, but we have to help Teddy, and it works, right? It worked on me.

Yeah, but you know something.

Yeah, Dad doesn't want to do the work, but Don will.

Yeah, Don, Don, not the time.

Yeah, don't listen to Don's terrible idea. That's the new terrible idea.

Yeah, he has never been this open minded.

Yeah, he wouldn't help me.

Yeah, he's been talking about that for years.

Yeah, I just got a little sick last night.

Yeah, I just need to make sure this is his.

Yeah, I know the things, Bev. Thanks.

Yeah, I make all the decisions, and if she disagrees,

Yeah, I mean, I got so bent out of shape about you and that house

Yeah, I remember you army crawling through the food court.

Yeah, I wouldn't want that, 'cause then this would be over.

Yeah, I'm fine. Just a small heart flutter.

Yeah, if the kids know we're bluffing,

Yeah, in you. If I try to help, she'll be disappointed in both of us.

Yeah, it was like, for one day,

Yeah, it's a grand gesture to show you how much you mean to us.

Yeah, it's a lady who wants to buy it for her husband.

Yeah, it's the slowest, most painful way to water a lawn,

Yeah, just run the bases.

Yeah, one time when the kids were little,

Yeah, right. You know what?

Yeah, she wouldn't make change.

Yeah, so I came home because Marcy has to watch Parker.

Yeah, so the neighbors see me.

Yeah, so, I'm sorry I accused you of that.

Yeah, Teddy's asking Madison out today,

Yeah, tell me about it.

Yeah, that sounds right to me.

Yeah, that's not fun. [chuckles]

Yeah, that's what I would have thought

Yeah, that's what Janette's husband did.

Yeah, the house has the edge, just like blackjack.

Yeah, to murder teenagers who are making out.

Yeah, we could just lay there and let the water do the work.

Yeah, we took a picture of you eating the other half of those enchiladas.

Yeah, we were the problem, and we're so sorry.

Yeah, we're meeting our new friends here too.

Yeah, well, I'm on edge, too.

Yeah, well, sure. No big deal.

Yeah, well, the clock's not ticking any faster over here, Bev.

Yeah, what we need is a rebound couple.

Yeah, what's the matter? You didn't hear me over the thunder?

Yeah, whatever you say. Let's eat.

Yeah, yeah, and the best part is,

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You told me a hundred times.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah. She's just feeling a little tired and headachy.

Yeah, yeah. You're my buffer. [chuckles]

Yeah, you know who I'm excited for?

Yeah, you're the third drop off this week where the wife didn't know.

Yeah, your days of running them around town are over.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah. A boat is like a woman.

Yeah. And how do they repay us? By olé ing with some other couple.

Yeah. And the decisions.

Yeah. And we're sturdy.

Yeah. And you figured out who took your boat.

Yeah. Because Because Jen texted you, and we didn't want you to overreact.

Yeah. But now she's heard the word.

Yeah. Come on, Lowell.

Yeah. Don said she has to stay home and ice it.

Yeah. Every week, it's the same: Order burgers, then Marcy sends hers back

Yeah. He made me do that

Yeah. Hey, remember how much we liked Hong Kong Dave's?

Yeah. Huh.

Yeah. I do have one favor to ask you, though.

Yeah. I got the recipe from Lowell.

Yeah. I guess.

Yeah. I have Jen's password, and every night after the divorce,

Yeah. I haven't left the house.

Yeah. I was proud of him. He doesn't usually take the initiative.

Yeah. I'm just sick of their fun little club for two.

Yeah. I'm not climbing the corporate ladder just 'cause the man wants me to.

Yeah. Is that gonna be a problem?

Yeah. It won't work. That "no" won't stick.

Yeah. It's always fun. That's the thing about it.

Yeah. It's like a marriage.

Yeah. My mom can beat up your mom.

Yeah. No jumping. I thought you said you were over her.

Yeah. Take him to lunch, Don.

Yeah. That sounds like us.

Yeah. That was me freaking out

Yeah. That's the way it works.

Yeah. This is nice, the three of us hanging out together.

Yeah. Turned him into a Bee Gee.

Yeah. Uh, so, Lowell, um,

Yeah. We'll help you rise above.

Yeah. We're bad, but we're brave.

Yeah. We're looking for a guest staying here Jen Franklin.

Yeah. well, I'm still the old me, and you're staying.

Yeah. When I went to pick up Teddy, she hopped in the car.

Yeah. Which is why I'd like her to hear it from you.

Yeah. Why?

Yeah. Yeah, and it'd be great if using it didn't require a time out

Yeah. Yeah, but I don't want to schedule it.

Yeah. Yeah, that's not so bad. It'll be like having a lonely butler.

Yeah. Yeah, the new Don didn't think this through.

Yeah. You closed the door so your mom can't get back in.

Yep.

Yep. I'm good.

Yep. She's a mobile cat groomer.

Yep. There was no estrogen in the chicken back then.

Yes, Father?

Yes, I did.

Yes, I immediately broke that promise, but I would like to do the right thing,

Yes, intentionally without you.

Yes, it's The Boy Who Cried Wolf.

Yes, she has a license.

Yes, we can.

Yes!

Yes! No, no. It's because you don't understand how dangerous the world is.

Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

Yes. And we panicked.

Yes. Go to them.

Yes. I wanted you to think I was open minded about that procedure,

Yes. Thank you, Kathy. That's what we're saying. We're the worst.

Yes. That's our system.

Yesterday, she got out of the car before she put it in park.

You already met somebody? We just broke up.

You and Dad are friends?

You and I are so made for each other.

You are an incredibly nice person.

You are not coming out until this is solved.

You are not going to school wearing those.

You are too young and too naive.

You are unbelievable.

You are upset with her.

You ate too many. We had to leave early,

You be the sexy nurse, and I'll be the guy

You bet your bippy there is.

You better go. It's pork chop o'clock.

You broke into her e mail?

You buy them a five dollar pretzel, and they take one bite.

You call yourself this great wooer...

You can go start your new life.

You can never go wrong with homework.

You can never tell Mom and Dad I'm helping you.

You can take the sign down. I found a buyer for your boat.

You can't listen to him. He's on the beer.

You can't manufacture magic. Women can always tell.

You can't say that.

You casually bump into her while she's waiting for her parents at pickup.

You check your...

You could grow that stupid mustache again. I'd be all over you.

You could make Lowell's terrible idea go away

You cut the power, didn't you?

You did a very bad thing, Lowell. Very bad.

You did what?

You didn't do anything.

You didn't even sell it.

You didn't let me finish. I was gonna say, "Maybe one of the kids took it"

You didn't need any information from Don at all?

You do listen to me.

You do the honors.

You do? When did that start?

You don't always have to be on the losing end.

You don't come up with a clever name like that overnight.

You don't get it. I met Chuck at the gym.

You don't have to squeeze it all in tonight.

You don't know everything.

You don't know that.

You don't know. I know.

You don't let me make my own choices.

You don't look so good.

You don't think I'm curious about the mango margarita? Huh?

You don't think...

You don't want any part of that.

You don't want to do that in the garage? I mean...

You ever hold a chicken in your arms? Huh? It's pretty beautiful.

You ever think of that?

You forgot to pick up your own wife?

You gave him material, right? It wasn't real.

You get a little tipsy, talk things out, and then it's adios, Alice.

You get him to find it, and then he can surprise me.

You give me the money you were gonna give me to go to college.

You go to the office. Put on a pot of coffee.

You got me?

You got to start calling me before parties.

You got us tickets? You remembered.

You guys are perfect for us.

You guys are the worst.

You guys can't start the show till Jen comes down from her room.

You guys have been driving every day for two weeks

You guys have fun.

You had to write this down?

You have something to say to me?

You have something to say to me?

You have special body parts that make food.

You have to do something. You can't just let him quit.

You have to learn to look at things through your third eye.

You have to make up those hours.

You have to take the written test before it can be renewed.

You haven't zipped me up since the '60s.

You hear that, Don? I'm gonna start dressing like your mom.

You heard your father.

You hold on to that for self defense in case that man bear shows up.

You just have to visualize what you want and go out and get it.

You just keep letting her take advantage of you, Lowell,

You just let her leave in the car by herself?

You just said the same thing twice.

You just talked yourself out of the full monty, lady.

You just took a picture of us.

You knew about this?

You know how hard it is to explain feminism to a woman?

You know how we're finally watching Breaking Bad together?

You know I don't hear too good.

You know I love Don and Marcy, but we're kind of in a rut.

You know that's just a guy in a furry suit.

You know we have a special bond.

You know what I am? Stressed!

You know what might help me relax? Singing. Yeah.

You know what that is, Lowell? That is unforgivable.

You know what the worst part is? I can't tell Don the story.

You know what would cheer you up? A little slushy.

You know what would solve everything? Is if your mom wasn't here.

You know what you should do?

You know what, Bev? It is getting late. [chuckles]

You know what, Lowell? Just go home for the day.

You know what, that's in the past.

You know what, we could all be a little more honest with each other.

You know what?

You know what? I, uh...

You know what? I'll just tell you.

You know what? Let's not be childish about this.

You know what? We're both appalling.

You know what? You shouldn't stand for it.

You know where to find me.

You know who's not gonna knock before they come into your house? Supervolcano.

You know who's relaxed? Ducks.

You know why? Because we're good people. It's our worst quality.

You know, Adam promised me no more lying.

You know, all the horns.

You know, fishing around. It's all hands on deck over here.

You know, his idea would solve our problem once and for all.

You know, hold her hand during couples' skate.

You know, I am so impressed that you would even consider this.

You know, I hate to say it,

You know, I told Teddy that story because he tells fibs too.

You know, I was thinking,

You know, I'd feel bad for you if it wasn't so funny.

You know, if I have enough bottomless mimosas,

You know, if you keep telling little lies,

You know, in many relationships, there's a lot of gray areas.

You know, in the movies, they always get killed on that one last job.

You know, instead of just telling everybody he had crabs. [chuckles]

You know, just for fun.

You know, like, slap a sticker on it or...

You know, maybe it is time for me to leave and start my new life.

You know, millions of guys get vasec

You know, my friend's parents have already given up.

You know, one day they'll find him,

You know, one of those mother daughter things.

You know, someday they're gonna be too old to scare.

You know, the more I think about it,

You know, the oceans are rising.

You know, there are certain things a wife can do to relieve her husband's stress.

You know, this job is gonna look great on your college applications.

You know, uh...

You know, we've never done it in an RV.

You know, when I got my license, it meant I was growing up

You know, when I really want to romance a woman,

You know? We're barely over last Thanksgiving,

You learned your lesson.

You look hot.

You look like Frankenstein.

You look tired. See?

You lost your best friend.

You love him. [chuckles]

You made me wait a half an hour just to talk to you again?

You made that up.

You may not be able to get her back, but you can get her back.

You mean all your yelling?

You mean drop you off?

You mean my butt?

You mean this jug band?

You mean what if I get struck by lightning

You mean, she talked, you listened.

You might end up with a topless wife.

You need to come up with something

You need to give up your accomplice.

You need to give yourself every advantage.

You need to make Andi think it's her idea. Wives always love their own ideas.

You need to stay off the Internet.

You never say the V word in another man's house.

You never used to talk to me like that. This license has changed you.

You okay? You nervous?

You only married into this family.

You pepper spray first, you ask questions later.

You poisoned your own brother to get out of going to the mall.

You promised me that my days of running the kids around town were over.

You read my diary?

You really just zone in on one word, don't you?

You said all that stuff about women and body parts, so I got mad.

You said I should plan our anniversary

You said you had to have one because boats are "bitchin'."

You said you wanted to teach Kate how to drive,

You saw how upset I was about my dad and my brother,

You say that again, and I will! I will hit you.

You scared me.

You see the way they noticed me?

You see those shoes?

You see what you started?

You see, fear sharpens you.

You see, I think that she needs to hear it from you.

You should go tell her that.

You should go upstairs, lay down, and look in my nightstand.

You should go.

You should probably talk to a woman.

You should've seen the look on your face when I handed you that shovel. [laughs]

You slip out during lunch and you pop a hole in her tire.

You sneezed earlier, and the whole room smelled like pineapple.

You take that back.

You tell me to hook it with a back scratcher.

You think he's not feeling well, and he's trying to hide it?

You thought you were the coolest guy in the neighborhood, Dune Buggy Steve?

You told her already? But I'm still here. The damn zoo doesn't open till 10:00.

You told me to bring the thunder.

You tried to rig therapy to get a boat.

You two are such good communicators, I don't know why I'm here.

You two are the cutest couple. You're perfect for each other."

You two need to talk to each other like grown women,

You two were talking for a long time in his room last night.

You want a beer, son?

You want me to talk to her?

You want to learn to cook? You come to Chef Boyardee.

You want to see a therapist?

You went through a sick woman's trash? I am appalled.

You were both playing footsie with me under the table. I had to make it stop.

You were Peter Pan in the school play. Where was that magic?

You were pretending?

You were right. I messed the first few up, and he just took over.

You were taking cooking classes.

You were?

You what?

You will thank me for this when you're in your cushy office eating free muffins.

You won't do homework, you'll do work work.

You won't.

You would accuse me of that? You

You wouldn't get it. It's very tactical. I'm basically a Navy SEAL.

You.

You.

You. [scoffs] Us?

You'd hate that, right? Just to confirm.

You'd think Adam would know that, too.

You're a brick mover. You're one step above the brick.

You're a good listener, Teddy.

You're a great son and a great brother, and you deserve better.

You're a legend. I heard you had a party

You're a marriage counselor, and we're brothers.

You're a whiffer.

You're always like, "What?" and he's like, "What?"

You're appalled again, huh? Not this time, sister.

You're awfully quiet over there, Andi.

You're back. What happened? Are you in trouble?

You're breaking up with us?

You're going?

You're gonna be getting ready to go to college.

You're gonna do a super job.

You're gonna need that sleep.

You're gonna quit that?

You're gonna take fashion advice from a man in clogs?

You're highlighting it. That's copy and paste.

You're in the shark's mouth. I'm still swimming.

You're just trying to make me feel bad to cover up your own crimes.

You're like 7 Eleven for babies.

You're looking for them.

You're my little girl.

You're my new hero, Andi.

You're not doing the Internet right.

You're not getting out of it that easy. [chuckles]

You're not going to believe what Don told me those idiots did.

You're not gonna be disappointed?

You're not gonna believe this. Don is sick now.

You're not gonna warn her?

You're not here every day, but this is when we tell each other

You're not ready for this.

You're not wearing a hat, 'cause your mind just got blown.

You're only mad about the boat. Remember that.

You're out. I need results.

You're over here pouring coffee like a minx.

You're quitting?

You're right, you can't go out there like that.

You're right. He is lying.

You're right. Play it cool.

You're right. She does need to hear that.

You're right. You caught me.

You're sweet.

You're the body of the snake. We want the head.

You're the boy who gets eaten

You've gotta get me out of here. I'll do anything.

You've sunk so low, you're poisoning yourselves.

Your body provides anything a child could need.

Your body, your choice.

Your choice.

Your dad has a fun surprise for you.

Your dad taught you to rub dirt on your feelings?

Your dad's right. There's a supervolcano under Yellowstone

Your daughter is waiting for her driving lesson.

Your fake magic, your trickery.

Your father and I have discussed the consequences of your report card.

Your father's new pacemaker has had some side effects.

Your grades don't have to be perfect. We just expect you to try your best.

Your mom is here.

Your mother and I used the rhythm method.

Your punishment isn't up to us.

Your son is sending my daughter weird text messages.

Your teachers say you're not doing your homework.

10:00 it is.

[Alice] Oh! Forever?

[all] Lowell! I heard it. I'll go back over there.

[Andy] Hm mmm. [chuckles] Oh, here he goes.

[both laugh] Where's Dad?

[both] Aw... That's weird. Press the button.

[buzzer sounds] [automated voice] Fail.

[buzzer sounds] Uh...

[camera clicks] [laughs]

[camera clicks] What are you doing?

[chuckles] [brick clatters]

[chuckles] Ugh.

[chuckles] Yeah, but be careful,

[chuckles] You enjoyed that, didn't you? I didn't hate it.

[clears throat] Hey. Okay.

[Don] If it breaks, it breaks. [Marcy] Okay.

[Don] Oh, Marcy. [Marcy] Oh, Don. [chuckles]

[Don] So this really worked? [Marcy] Oh, yeah, Chef.

[door closes] What do you mean? Hey, Teddy?

[door closes] What? What? What is it?

[exhales] Both hands. You're not a pimp.

[gasps] Or positions.

[groans] And if you don't like that,

[high pitched voice] "Hey, Lowell" Normal voice.

[laughing] It was a really good one. Really?

[music playing] We're looking for Jen Franklin.

[scoffs] Why am I surprised?

[sighs] Here's your number.

[sighs] Hey.

[sighs] Huh. It's not here.

[sighs] I just signed Teddy up for club soccer.

[sighs] We got lazy too.

[table creaking] Can this table hold us? [grunting]

[tires squeal] Oh!

[TV volume increases] Try being the middle kid.

A confidence booster. Mm hmm.

A lot. A lot.

Adam bought a boat after I said no. Wrong.

Adam broke a dead guy's chair. [gasps] Sounds funny. Save it for dinner.

Adam? [Andi] Lowell!

Adam... No. Everyone feels sorry for him

Ah. [chuckles]

Ah. [chuckles]

Aha! [screams] Dad!

All aboard! [groans]

All right. Lowell.

All right. That a boy.

All right. Uh, where's his phone? Uh... backpack.

All those tricks? There's more? No. Who said that?

and hopefully, the rest of her clothes. Is she home?

And it felt good. [laughs]

And there's more. Wow.

And you know something else? Huh?

Andi, we're running! Oh!

Andi. Yeah.

Anybody want a snack? What do you got?

Are we really doing this? We have to. They're watching.

Are you hiding out here? What

Aw, honey. I had no idea.

Aw, that is so sweet. [chuckles]

Aw. But are you sure brunch is enough?

Aw. Come on.

Aw. He was 13.

Aw. I gotta run.

Aw. Lessons?

Because I trust her. [groans]

But I do have an idea. Come on, come on. [gasps]

But I want this house. Well, I want a taco.

But I wanted to be this bra. Mm.

But I'm feeling so good. [sighs]

but it still feels good. Mm hmm.

Bye, Mom. Bye, Alice. Close the door.

Come again? What's that now?

Come on, come on. This keeps happening to me.

Come on. Please.

Dad? We heard about Nana and Pop Pop. Is everything okay?

Deal. No, really.

Did you get Jen's password? Yep. Here you go.

Did you hear that? I certainly did.

Don, here's a napkin. No, don't help him, Lowell.

Doors? That's right. We're doors.

Even your homework? I promise.

Evening, sir. Can I help you, Officer?

Everybody loves that guy. Right?

Everybody wins. I won't win. I'll be sick.

Fine, but I'm driving both ways. [Adam] Yeah.

Fine. Thank you.

For what? The world.

For what? To have a place to put your questions.

From what? Andi's lasagna.

Get a vasectomy. What?

Go, go, go. All right.

Got it. Mm.

Gravity. Mm.

Have fun in Italy. Close the door!

He always used his turn signal. Yeah.

He looked like that. [chuckles]

He thinks you're cool for some reason. I am cool.

Heart flutter? Mm.

Hello, Don. Hello, Adam.

Hey, Alice. You ready for tonight? Uh...

Hey, Dad. "Hey, Dad"?

Hey, honey. Hey.

Hey, honey. Hey. Where you been?

Hey, Joe. Hey.

Hey, Katie. How was Grandpa? I don't want to talk about it.

Hey, Lowell. Welcome home, lovebirds.

Hey, Madison, you know me, right? Everyone at school knows you.

Hey, what's up? Hey, Lowell. Uh, have a seat.

Hey. Hey, honey.

Hey. Hey.

Hey. Oh, thank God you showed up.

Hi, guys. Hey, Andi!

Hi. Nice to meet you.

Hmm? [clears throat]

Hmm? That looks good, Dad.

Hmm. [laughter]

Hmm. But I wish she was my girlfriend.

Hmm. Military school.

Hmm. Ooh. She added a knee wobble.

Hmm. Yeah.

How dare he? Right? [scoffs]

How was the fishing store? I know where you're going with this.

Hurry up, Lowell. I'll be right there.

I One last job.

I am appalled. Okay.

I am gonna knock her socks off. Yeah.

I am good, aren't I? Mm hmm.

I am. Then let us jog your memory.

I don't like the idea of spying. Wha...

I don't want it. Just stash it somewhere.

I forgot my phone. Ah.

I found out in the ambulance. Ugh.

I got my Swiss Army knife. Ugh.

I heard they have crabs. Yeah.

I mean, yes, it's true. Yeah, but it's not very nice to say.

I mean, you should probably go stop him. No, no. This is definitely on you.

I never even thought of that. Who would think of it?

I should go. Hold on.

I stand by that. He stands by it, Felicia.

I think his name is Jim. Hey, Jim, you seen Bob?

I told you he'd be doing something weird. Yeah.

I was just trying to help. [scoffs]

I was thinking about it. Yeah? Me, too.

I'd like to go all the way... [both] What?

I'll race you upstairs. Okay. Wait, wait, wait.

I'll take the magic. Yeah.

I'm going up there to check on her. You're not allowed to drive.

I'm hungry. Oh, I'm on it.

I'm just gonna take the test now, Arthur. Mm hmm.

I'm so sorry. Are you?

I'm sorry, but 16 is too young to drive. Oh.

I'm supposed to do for Adam. Forget that. You're with me now.

I'm trying to work on myself. If you wanna work on yourself,

I'm wondering how we're gonna survive No.

I've been on the Internet. [chuckles]

If the kids can work in packs, so can we. That's right.

Is Andi? Getting Marcy?

Is this about me getting the paper again? I'm afraid so.

It fell open. [Andi] Uh huh.

It says "click link to access itinerary." Mm hmm.

It was a Mexican restaurant standoff. Yeah.

It's a bluff, but he doesn't know that. Hmm mm.

It's all right. We're family. Come on...

It's covered in germs. What?

It's from his ex wife. Read it.

It's good, right? But it's the last one!

It's like he taught us a lesson. But you saw it. He had gaps.

It's not Tuesday. What?

It's nothing serious. [sighs] Oh.

It's the most open we've ever been. Yeah.

Let's do it. Okay.

Let's go back inside. No, no, no, no.

Let's take this upstairs. Absolutely.

Like what? There are other forms of birth control.

Look at this. Don't eat that.

Lowell! I'm not sorry. He's my hero.

Lowell? You caught me.

Ma, easy. Ma. Easy. Get off me.

Marcy sprained her ankle! [gasps]

Marcy's home early. Hide! Where should I go?

Mm hmm. That's nice.

Mm hmm. Yeah? Yeah.

Mm. You know.

Mom. I feel the hug train leaving the station.

My dad loves night fishing. There's your motive.

No, he's back. He can't see this text. What do we do?

No, I'm not. Yes, you are.

No, it just didn't work. That's because it was all a setup.

No, you weren't. No, I was not.

No. [chuckles] Hmm?

No. That's right. [Adam] Yeah.

Nothing. I think I have to eat more. Hey, don't overdo it.

Oh, honey, that's not true. Okay, Andi,

Oh, okay, okay. Yeah, okay.

Oh, that sounds great. [chuckling]

Oh! Alice.

Oh! Whoa.

Oh! Oh. [gasps]

Oh. [both laugh]

Oh. After we had him fixed,

Oh. And I think you should keep doing it.

Oh. Let's think of it like a quiz.

Oh. What are you doing out there?

Okay, uh... Ow.

Okay, we're off to the movies. Ah.

Okay. Hustle, hustle.

Okay. I'll just do this, I guess. Okay.

Okay. Yeah. Okay?

Ooh. Oh.

Or why not you? Okay.

Or why not you? Or why not you?

Really? Mm hmm.

Really? Really.

Really? Totally.

Really? Yeah.

Relax. I know how to deal with this. How'd he look?

Right, Adam? Right.

Right? [laughter]

She doesn't like you. I'm gonna use that.

She's helping him. Why do I feel so scared right now?

So I'm gonna be a bricklayer? No, no, my friend.

So what are you thinking? Uh, well,

So you're selling it? Yeah, it's for the best.

Sorry, honey. [sighs]

Sounds fair. Okay. Uhp uhp, hold on, hold up, hold up.

Sure. That's good, yeah.

Teddy, go to your room. [stammers] That's right.

Tell your wife you know she's faking it. No way.

Text messages. [sighs]

Thank you, Andi. Yeah.

Thank you. [both chuckle]

That kid is going places. Mm hmm.

That should help. Yeah.

That sounds hard. Because it is.

That was a joke. No, it wasn't.

That was a truck blanket night. Yeah.

That's a great idea. What?

That's a principal's office word. Mm.

That's great. Yeah.

That's just good medicine. [chuckles]

Then how did you survive? I can survive anything.

Then why don't you throw it away? That's Marcy's job.

Therapy's great, but liquor's quicker. [Andi chuckles]

There they are. How'd it go? [Andi] Hi.

There's a letter from security. What?

There's gaps, Andi. Gaps in the stack. He's just getting started.

There's no substitute for best friends. Mm.

They should be. I barely passed. Ah.

Things are starting to heat up, Dad. Well, cool off with some juice.

This guy! Aw.

This is going great. Yeah.

This is next level. Yeah.

This is the one. No, it's not.

This is what friends do. [both chuckle]

Tina and Trevor. Yeah.

Ugh. Let's keep looking.

Uh I like it.

Uh Whoopsie doodle.

Uh huh. [gasps] I'm gonna go call Janette.

Uh huh. He told me everything,

Uh, B. Stop sign. [tablet chimes]

Uh, C. No passing zone. [tablet chimes]

Uh, D. Emergency vehicles only. [tablet chimes]

Uh, I don't know how to do it. Right there. That's delete.

Wait, wait, wait. Stop. Why? I'm all fired up!

We don't exclude you. Yeah, you do.

We should go. Good idea. Come on, Lowell.

We should write parenting books. Yeah.

Wear whatever shoes you want, goodbye. Wait!

Well, I think your system stinks. Since when?

Well... Now, if you'll excuse me,

Wha How could that possibly not be you?

Wha Yeah, she's marrying another man,

What about Adam? His cover's blown. Save yourself.

What are you doing here? Uh...

What are you doing? I'm buying a house.

What are you doing? What are you doing?

What do you think? Let's do it.

What if someone cuts you off in traffic? We have compassion for them.

What next, Andi? [laughs] Okay.

What? Mm hmm.

What? My boat is gone, Andi! I can't find it!

What? That's right.

What? This is a new low.

What? Wait, wait, wait.

What? We're sorry you had to hear it from us.

What? Yeah. It's a good thing

What? Yeah. Oh, no, it's okay, it's okay.

What'd your mom want? To ruin my day.

What's all this? Oh, it's a celebration.

What's going on? Nothing, nothing, nothing.

What's that? I'm taking out my trash.

What's that? That's the 20 bucks we agreed on.

Where do you think you're going? My stuff's in there.

Where else could she go? I don't know.

Where's Katie? Oh, she went for a drive.

Where's Lowell? Oh, uh, he left. Yeah.

Where's my sweaty boy? He's up in his room.

Who's Neil? Who's Ned?

Whoa, "we"? Yeah.

Whoa, that's weird. Yeah.

Why are you keeping it from Mom? Well, she worries too much.

Why do you have such a problem today? Because.

Why not? Well, it's too risky.

Why'd you have to tell Marcy everything? I thought I was dying.

Will Teddy ever find love? [Adam] Mm.

Win. Win...

Yeah, and we'll make it look real bad. Yes.

Yeah? ...we do dinner at Mick's,

Yeah. ...of business class.

Yeah. [both laugh]

Yeah. Hold on.

Yeah. Okay. Let's go slam some fingers! Yes.

Yeah. We couldn't care less about them. Hmm.

Yeah. We're family. [chuckles]

Yep. Ugh, he's been doing that since the '70s.

You and Don are going to couples therapy. No.

You knew? Mm hmm.

You know what we need? Whiskey.

You made me do it. Yeah.

You mean Neil? No, Ned. Neil's cousin.

You okay? Yeah, great. [sighs]

You owe me an apology. You want an apology?

You ready? Don't worry, I got a plan.

You want fish sticks, Joe? Yeah.

You were terrifying. Great performance. What are you talking about?

You're amazing. Aw.

You're right. I know.

Your man works hard. Mm.

Your mom is Blah, blah, blah. Take your shirt off.

Zip me up, would you? Oh.

¡Olé!

...around the rink with her.

...there are rules.

'Cause I didn't want you to make a scene. You were so mad your lips got blue.

'cause mostly you just see regular size pens.

'Cause she really steamed up the windows down there.

'Cause there was no way I was taking those girls shopping

'Cause there's certain things a wife can do.

'Cause you know I won't know on my own.

'Sup. Any of you gals want to share a Go Gurt with a good listener?

"A white painted curb indicates: A, passengers and mail only."

"B, service dogs only."

"Beachfront room"? I don't think so. Unless we fill it with scorpions.

"Can we have a boat?" I say yes, you say no, so it's a no.

"Confirm changes."

"Dark hair, belligerent, mid 30s."

"Fishing store grand opening."

"Forever." That was the exact word she used.

"Free owl to a good home."

"Get with"? What does that mean?

"Go to a different part of your room"?

"Groupon." [scoffs]

"Husbands: How to Put Their Nuts in a Box."

"I don't think I'm doing enough around the house."

"I drew your face on an apple, and then I ate it."

"I follow you on Instagram, Twitter, and secretly, on your way home."

"I'm just worried about getting home."

"I'm staying at the Bainbridge Hotel this weekend. Let's get a drink tomorrow."

"If she leaves." I like where you're going. What do you need from me?

"Join us on The Spirit of Pittsburgh

"Mile." "Stone." Long and heavy, like a marriage.

"Oh, my God.

"Us"? They don't have an "us" anymore. What do you think she wants?

"Women have different body parts. You can make your own food."

"You two are the cutest couple. You're perfect for each other,"

[Adam chuckles]

[Adam chuckles]

[Adam scoffs]

[Adam] Andi, is that you?

[Adam] But it's just me and my thoughts.

[Adam] Keep talking. I'm in the bathroom, but I am listening.

[Adam] Ow!

[Adam] Yeah.

[air horn blows]

[air horn blows]

[air horn blows]

[air horn blows]

[alarm ringing]

[all chuckling]

[all] Surprise!

[Andi gasps]

[Andi] Adam?

[Andi] That's so weird.

[Andi] Ugh.

[Andi] Uh huh.

[auctioneer calling]

[auctioneer calling]

[automated voice] Now serving number 42.

[both chuckle]

[both chuckle]

[both chuckle]

[both chuckle]

[both chuckle]

[both chuckling]

[both gasp]

[both laugh]

[both laugh]

[both laugh]

[both laugh]

[both laugh]

[both laughing]

[both laughing]

[both] Aw.

[both] Happy anniversary! [laughing]

[both] Hi!

[both] Military school.

[both] We're not.

[both] What?

[both] Yeah.

[buzzer sounds]

[can pops open]

[car door closes]

[car door closes]

[car door closes]

[car door closes]

[car door locks]

[car door unlocks]

[cell phone rings]

[cell phone rings]

[chattering, laughter]

[chattering]

[chattering]

[cheering]

[cheering]

[chuckles softly]

[chuckles softly] A consultation is just a consultation.

[chuckles softly] Okay.

[chuckles]

[chuckles]

[chuckles]

[chuckles]

[chuckles]

[chuckles]

[chuckles]

[chuckles]

[chuckles]

[chuckles]

[chuckles]

[chuckles]

[chuckles]

[chuckles]

[chuckles]

[chuckles]

[chuckles]

[chuckles]

[chuckles]

[chuckles] "I mean, come on, let's try some stuff, Frank.

[chuckles] All aboard.

[chuckles] Chime city over here, Arthur.

[chuckles] Come on.

[chuckles] Cute, cute.

[chuckles] Hand 'em over.

[chuckles] I got this whole 20th anniversary thing under control.

[chuckles] I'm glad I found you, 'cause I need a little help.

[chuckles] It's a little of both.

[chuckles] No, honey.

[chuckles] No, they're not.

[chuckles] Oh, I never told him. I lied my ass off, like a good wife.

[chuckles] Oh, thanks, Don. No, since I'm back in the dating game,

[chuckles] That's exciting,

[chuckles] That's right. Bev and I run this family.

[chuckles] This is Lowell's phone.

[chuckles] This is so great.

[chuckles] This is why I pay taxes.

[chuckles] Uh, I'm Adam and this is

[chuckles] Unfortunately.

[chuckles] We're in the wrong order.

[chuckles] Yeah, sure.

[chuckles] Yeah. They would've thought it was funny.

[clattering, thudding]

[clears throat]

[clears throat]

[clicks tongue]

[continues, indistinct]

[crickets chirping]

[Don] Don't go to him, come to me.

[Don] Marcy, it burns.

[Don] No, they can't.

[door closes]

[door closes]

[door closes]

[door opens]

[door opens]

[door opens]

[door opens]

[door opens]

[doorbell rings]

[engine revving]

[exhales]

[exhales]

[exhales] Is it hot in here?

[forced laughter] I'm just gonna say it again. Wow!

[gasps]

[gasps]

[gasps]

[gasps]

[gasps] Can he do that?

[gasps] Flight, hotel. It is perfectly bundled for revenge.

[gasps] He is so gonna pay. He wore that thing to church.

[gasps] Hmm. I'll make us a milkshake.

[gasps] Oh!

[gasps] Oh.

[gasps] She answered.

[gasps] Thank you.

[gasps] That's my arm!

[gasps] The strippers are here!

[gasps] Wait.

[gasps] Wow.

[groans]

[groans]

[groans]

[groans]

[groans]

[groans]

[groans]

[groans] But I'm in the middle of a whole thing with Andi about lying.

[groans] That puts me in the middle.

[grunting]

[grunts]

[grunts] Excuse me.

[grunts] Then, uh, you take me.

[imitates train chugging]

[in unison] He's the wife.

[Joe] ♪ I'm looking over A four leaf clover ♪

[Joe] Bev, if you're gonna talk dirty, talk louder.

[jug band playing]

[Kate] Dad!

[knock at door]

[knock at door]

[knocking]

[knocking]

[laughing]

[laughing]

[laughing]

[laughs]

[laughs]

[laughs]

[laughs]

[laughs] Happy anniversary, honey.

[laughs] He knows what a fluffy pillow is, Mom.

[laughs] I'm not doing that.

[laughs] Nice job, honey.

[laughs] So what do you say we live it up

[laughs] Well, I hope you like it more than I do.

[laughs] You're funny, son.

[Lola] Totes.

[Lowell] You're the bravest man I've ever known!

[March] Oh.

[Marcy] Don, they can hear us.

[Marcy] Don! It's time for Parker's bath!

[Marcy] Mm hmm.

[music playing on TV]

[music stops]

[muttering]

[muttering]

[panting]

[phone chimes]

[phone chimes]

[phone rings]

[phone rings]

[phone rings]

[scoffs]

[scoffs]

[scoffs] And that's why there's two hats.

[scoffs] Dad, you're such a marshmallow.

[scoffs] Finally.

[scoffs] I just meant talk louder, like thunder.

[scoffs] If your browser history isn't your most personal thing,

[scoffs] Okay, so go to the drugstore and buy a box of goalies.

[scoffs] That's how you do it.

[scoffs] The best birth control is if I grow a mustache again.

[scoffs] We didn't even leave the driveway.

[scoffs] What you don't get is that you didn't need to do it.

[seethes]

[shouts]

[sighs]

[sighs]

[sighs]

[sighs]

[sighs]

[sighs]

[sighs]

[sighs]

[sighs]

[sighs]

[sighs]

[sighs]

[sighs]

[sighs]

[sighs]

[sighs]

[sighs]

[sighs]

[sighs] All right.

[sighs] Boy, what a day. Oh!

[sighs] But it's not a surprise.

[sighs] But what if I'm not?

[sighs] Do you know what today is?

[sighs] Excuse me?

[sighs] Finally done with the dishes. Can we watch TV now?

[sighs] Hey. Back to flannel, huh?

[sighs] Honey, do you remember when Kate was 12,

[sighs] I feel terrible for him. We have to do something.

[sighs] I know, it stinks. I'm choking.

[sighs] I'm choosing to believe that when she said we were the cutest couple

[sighs] If it's anything like our honeymoon, we'll need this.

[sighs] Look...

[sighs] Okay, Mom. Per your request, I made you a flirtini.

[sighs] Okay, we'll talk tomorrow.

[sighs] See, this is why I booked that dinner.

[sighs] since I got you,

[sighs] So now she knows I have nothing?

[sighs] That summer, all my friends went to camp,

[sighs] There's got to be something we can do.

[sighs] This is not good.

[sighs] This tiny juice makes me feel like a giant.

[sighs] What am I gonna do?

[sighs] You wouldn't even be here if I hadn't cut the power.

[siren wails]

[speaking normally] "Hey, Lowell, can we get together for a drink?

[splutters]

[stammering] Lowell, you're making a big mistake.

[stammers] What kind of kid wants to go to military school?

[stammers] You know what?

[Teddy chuckles]

[theme music playing]

[theme music playing]

[theme music playing]

[theme music playing]

[theme music playing]

[tires screech]

[together] No.

[upbeat music playing]

[upbeat music playing]

[upbeat music playing]

[upbeat music playing]

[whirring]

[whispers] I have a lot of secrets.

[whistles]

[woman on tape] Let the life force flow through your...

♪ Happy birth ♪

♪ Row, row, row your... ♪

♪ That I've overlooked before ♪