The IT Crowd (2006) - Season 2 Edit

A big dinner party and... It's gonna be brilliant.

A couple of photos?

A dream and 6 million pounds.

A gay man.

A gay musical,

A genius, and a man from Ireland!

A glass of white wine.

A great man!

A homosexual.

A horrible evening, and she's a horrible woman.

A hundred to one.

A ladder

A ladder to help moths escape from the bath.

A lot of people'd be confused as to why I invited them up,

A man...

A new wind is blowing!

A person needs a lot of backbone to be ordered around like that.

A spokesman for the Ministry of Defence. Mr Premmel?

A white Russian?

A woman need ever buy.

A work outing!

About irregularities in the pension fund

Absinthe, no. Red wine, white wine, Carlsberg?

Acid.

After last week's fiasco, I need to make a good impression.

Again, remember, leap years.

Against my female employees

Agreed, but before that, we've got to sort out the overheating problem.

Ah yes! Yes. You see.

Ah, here's Jen. Oh, that's it, it's a bra. I've made a brilliant bra.

Ah, New York, the city of apples.

Ah, Paris...

Ah, the theatre...

Ah, well, prepare to put mustard on those words,

All right, but let's concentrate on this first

All right, get them houselights up

All right, I will.

All right, lads! Let's get a sing song coming!

All right, see you tomorrow.

All right, so you've already done it. So, when's the big day?

All right, thank you.

All right, you're all right.

All right, you're in for half a percent.

All right! Enough of the jibber jabber!

All right. Bring him carefully!

All right. It's gonna be okay.

All right. What?

All that and it's not even giving my breasts proper support!

All the cool kids were doing it.

Along with this slice of humble pie

Also call Who's Who and get them to update my entry.

Although, not too late after noon, so that gives you most of the day.

Amazing! Super powerful!

Ambiguity.

And a glass of white wine.

And a man doesn't live here?

And all the consoles. You've got all of the consoles.

And as a woman,

And as a woman, as a worker,

And ask if they do a pizza with pineapple on it?

And Chessington World of Adventures say

And did you meet him before the operation?

And get an ambulance!

And guess what it does?

And guess what the twist is? It's just that might get a little annoying.

And he knows people in the theatre.

And hopefully we'll still be able to enjoy it.

And how did it happen, if that's not a rude question?

And I have a feeling I'll be needing you

And I have it on good authority.

And I have to say women do love a cook.

And I like that in a woman.

And I love you, Moss, I love you.

And I want you to be a part of it. A part of me. Sex...

And I'll be Jolly Rogered if there's not hyperoside in it.

And I'll do fitness.

And I'm loving it.

And I'm not...

And I'm the boss.

And I'm the gander!

And I'm the husband!

And if you ask me...

And it doesn't boss us about. It is brilliant.

And it turns out he didn't want to teach me how to cook...

And it's all thanks to these little things.

And it's free wine all night.

And let's have a look at you!

And look, we're out, we're meeting people.

And mum, what age did Uncle Tony die?

And not a member of the sex industry. You sure?

And now she's Head CEO at BHDR Industries.

And Reynholm Industries wants to give it to the future.

And since when was tickling gay?

And so are all of his, so tonight, we're gonna have

And some chicken wings, please. Thank you.

And that was when my bag... I don't know what happened,

And the straps are digging into my shoulders.

And then give you the details. How's that?

And then Peter said, "Brie,

And then send it to the policeman's grieving widow...

And then steal his helmet

And then steal it again!

And then, another chance.

And these "other people", where do they congregate?

And they told me to get you all to come back and meet them!

And we think it would be best if I were to sit beside the model...

And we tumbled about.

And we've walked f****** miles.

And what's the matter with you?

And when Peter had helped me pick everything up, well...

And you know, a little birdy told me that you couldn't make the show tonight.

And you sorted out the overheating problem?

Another chance? But I didn't know we'd already had a chance.

Another time, maybe. OK.

Any thoughts?

Anyway, at the end, there's a very unusual twist.

Anyway, I'm glad we've got that cleared up.

Anyway, it's a date. I'm sure it is.

Anyway, these came back and they said they did

Anyway, these came back today

Anyway!

Apparently, there's something wrong with all the computers on 7th. Who wants it?

Apples and oranges everywhere.

Are there any famous people in it?

Are they gonna get them out?

Are we still on this?

Are you all right?

Are you not worried that we might be cannibals?

Are you OK, Jen?

Are you poorly?

Are you slacking off in there?

Are you still in the same clothes as yesterday?

Are you sure he meant it as a date "date"?

Are you sure you're not going along as his gal pal?

Are you wearing that shirt for a bet?

Arising for your take over of ITV!

As a woman worker who..

As the only 2 women in the room, we can dispense with formalities, don't you?

Asking me if I wanna go for a ride in his helicopter.

At every gay reference. Your friends,

At precisely 3:00. Unless, it was tomorrow.

Audience participation! Go, go!

Balsamic vinegar...

Basically, pure self control, Moss

Bearded.

Beautiful second name! What're you doing after the funeral?

Because I have discovered four ways

Because if someone is listening in on this conversation,

Because she was in a really bad car accident

Because the lift is broken, again.

Because you looked a bit like a man!

Because...

Become embroiled in a sexual harassment case

Before you begin,

Before you do this, you're sure

Being a cannibal's a little immoral too.

Being clear. I don't want any...

Besides, I really wanna meet Laura Nightly.

Blind, wizened man.

Block stood looking at us!

Bloody thing, bloody pain in the arse.

Brilliant!

Brilliant!

Brilliant!

Brilliant. Just my luck.

Bruce Wayne.

Busting into the future strongly, again and again.

But 40%, Jen, be reasonable.

But all I know is I loved every last second of it.

But didn't you want to watch the film that I have here?

But how did they get in?

But I can't, I can't!

But I promised I'd get them for her birthday.

But I was planning to have a little poo.

But I'll let someone know.

But I've always liked the idea of the theatre.

But isn't that half the fun, trying to guess the twist?

But it just goes on and on, year in, year out. We're stagnating!

But it's all the other stuff, isn't it?

But no, it's today, at 3:00.

But nothing has, has it? I think it all went rather well.

But symmetry isn't everything.

But the bra will go bad, all bras go bad.

But then, as Jen pointed out earlier,

But there's no way I'm going anywhere near that thing.

But they know now.

But we are. Can't you see? You're my wife, Roy!

But would you like a cup of tea?

But you obviously can't.

But you wanted someone who would agree to let you kill and eat them.

But you've got to keep this under your respective hats

But you've never been to see a play?

But, as you all know, Denholm's son Douglas

Buying the same sort of cheese!

By the way, I took your advice about those evening classes.

Bye.

Call me a f****** ambulance!

Call me back.

Called "Gay".

Calm down. At least, it can't get any worse

Can a straight man not have homosexual friends?

Can contribute to upper back and shoulder pain.

Can I have a double whisky, please?

Can I have it with extra g****s?

Can you describe him?

Cannibals?

Car accident.

Carlsberg, perfect.

Catch you later!

Catching up with the news events of the day,

Caucasian male...

Caused a scene, and is currently chatting up some nearby trull.

Check that asses!

Cheers, dude.

Cigarettes have finally killed me.

Circle Of Friends?

Close it.

Colin was bringing them. I don't know them well,

Come here, my little soldier.

Come here, you!

Come in, come in.

Come in. Come in. Ja.

Come on everybody! Off the van!

Come on, behave yourselves.

Come on, cheer up! You're gonna ruin the funeral.

Come on, get out! Come on!

Come on, Jen! Ever feel like just having some fun?

Come on, let's get you home.

Come on, Moss, you're keeping the dragons waiting.

Come on, Mr Renow, while I'm down here. I may as well get to work.

Come on!

Come on. Give me a hand. There you go.

Come sit on my big hand.

Come with me.

Come, sit. Tell me a tale.

Concerning irregularities in the pension fund.

Conversation...

Coughing is the signal. Richmond, did you hear that?

Could he have thought you were a man?

Could he please make his way to gate 24?

Could Peter File please make himself known to ground staff?

Could well ruin your otherwise painstakingly selected ensemble.

Could you categorise the personel files alphabetically from now on?

Could you not try

Course, I'll send someone up as soon as I can, OK? Bye

Curium. Ebrium. And unless I'm going crazy, that's selenium.

Damn that sorcerer!

Dead man walking!

Deal.

Death came for Denholm just as it will come for you.

Death is coming!

Death is here...

Death is outside...

Death!

Denholm instructed that this short film be played before the service.

Denholm is dead.

Derek, good to meet you.

Did someone else die?

Did you hear something, Moss? I thought I heard a noise.

Did you just say sex?

Did you just say that you were going to eat me?

Did you look in the mirror and think,

Did you see it? Is he in?

Did you see who it was?

Did you think I was talking to you?

Didn't miss a note. I am wasting my life.

Do g****s even go with pizza?

Do what? What are you talking about? Let me help...

Do you even have the authority to offer me a pay rise?

Do you get your five fruit and veg?

Do you have with insomnia?

Do you know what Playtexwould do to me if they knew about the Abracada bra?

Do you know, it is really important to me that you like him.

Do you need any help getting home?

Do you need help?

Do you want me to get rid of them?

Do you want to meet the cast?

Documentaries...

Does a bit. "Peter File."

Does it say I'm already dead?

Don't get me wrong. You have got the science down

Don't leave! It's rude!

Don't say it like that! It sounds like "paedophile".

Don't say it like that! It sounds like "paedophile".

Don't tell me!

Don't touch that.

Donning clothes over a bad bra

Double whisky.

Douglas has asked me to be his P.A.

Douglas needs someone to take a look at his computer.

Douglas wants me to be your P.A.?

Douglas! Sorry,

Downloading films is stealing.

Earlier that day... (del VO)

Easy.

Eating people is illegal!

Eating! Hello, how are you?

Eh, Moss, look, I'm a woman.

Employee thing, don't you?

Entrare.

Even for a joke.

Even if that were true,

Every time I want a cigarette now I have to go to Gorky Park.

Every time I want a cigarette now I have to go to Gorky Park.

Every value I've ever held is being questioned,

Everyone knows. And once more,

Everyone's a ghost.

Everything you invent is worthless.

Exactly.

Excellent, that's settled! Seven o'clock tonight.

Excuse me, sir. Can I have a word?

Excuse me, sorry...

Excuse me! This is a staff toilet!

Father!

Father!

Feels like we've built up a... connection.

Feels longer.

Fiddly do.

Final clause, Stephanie,

Fine.

First they take away our smoking room,

First, The Ordinary Boys, and now this.

Fitness?!

Five stars!

Flunitrazepam... Yep, that's definitely Rohypnol.

Fly!

For a lot more than just deleting incriminating files.

For God sake, are you gay? Are you a gay man?

For God's sake!

For God's sake!

For institutional sexism, won massive damages,

For once, can we please not bring your mother into it.

For you will soon be consuming them,

Forget it!

Forget the play.

From resting too long in any one position.

Gavin Briers here with developments in North Korea.

Gay musical? Aren't all musicals gay?

Gentleman, to the future.

Gentleman, when I first started Reynholm Industries,

German cuisine?

Get in!

Getting his washing. I have to say, Moss,

Getting to know you, getting to know all about you!

Glasses.

Go and get changed!

Go on!

God, I feel rough.

God, maybe I could just kill myself.

Good bye, father!

Good distance from the sofa.

Good God.

Good looking men?

Good luck.

Good stag?

Good, because usually when I try something new it ends up a disaster.

Good. Of course you are. Thursday?

Goodbye, Yorg.

Gosh

Got Helen Bewley coming in tomorrow. Do you know who she is?

G****s? What are you like?

Graphic homo eroticism?

Great show.

Great, thanks.

Great, yeah.

Great! I will give you a call

Great! That's settled then.

Great.

Great. We should really pick up our tickets.

Guten Abend. I mean hello.

Had my tonsils out last month, I could have kept them.

Half a percent.

Hang on a second.

Hang on a second.

Hang on...

Hang on...

Has Moss explained to you..

Have you still not seen the film yet?

Have you thought of adapting it into a film?

Have you tried turning it off and on again?

He actually did want to borrow the copy of Heat.

He actually does know people in the theatre.

He borrowed Heat?

He borrowed Heat.

He can't say that, can he?

He got us our tickets.

He hates us, he keeps saying that there's no need

He is and he was such a nice man.

He is proper normal, isn't he?

He keeps bringing me up on these flimsy pretexts.

He reads Heat!

He should work where people don't want to go to the toilet.

He sounds delicious!

He sounds disoriented.

He wanted to cook me!

He wanted to eat me!

He wanted to eat you!

He wanted to eat you?

He was a fine Young Cannibal.

He was asking me questions, I couldn't just ignore him.

He wouldn't come here, not with all these people around.

He's a terrible toilet guy!

He's been gay, since Wham.

He's got a great system, 50" TV.

He's had quite an evening.

He's just an ordinary ignored man!

He's laughing like an idiot at every single gay reference!

He's long gone, although Roy's got a man date with him.

He's not a gay man!

He's not moving to America!

He's not paying me more to stay here.

He's not really qualified, Jen.

He's one of those German cannibals.

He's only really interested in people he can eventually eat.

He's taking me to Paris this weekend.

Heads of department meeting.

Hear me well!

Helen Bewley.

Hello again. If you're watching this,

Hello Johann. I brought dessert!

Hello, darling!

Hello, everybody!

Hello, everybody!

Hello, good morning, here I am. Here we go.

Hello, I'd like to order a pizza, please.

Hello, IT, have you tried turning it off and...

Hello, Jen.

Hello, Moss speaking.

Hello, Stephen Premmel. I'm afraid I'm very late.

Hello, there.

Hello, there. Yes, can I help you?

Hello!

Hello!

Hello!

Hello! How wonderful!

Hello? Hello?

Hello.

Hello.

Hello. Come in.

Hello. I'm Roy.

Help me! My husband's trying to kill me!

Help, pal! I need a wheelchair!

Her name is Jane or Jan or something similar.

Her sweet voice wakes a mighty tiger behind my fly.

Here lies a great man!

Here they are, now!

Here they are, so look normal.

Here we go again!

Here's a car crashing into another car,

Here's a question who here would eat a spider? I would.

Here's a selection of her lingerie.

Here's Paul with the wheelchair.

Hey there, guys!

Hey, fellas!

Hey, it's my G!

Hey, James!

Hey, Jen, Roy.

Hey, Jerome!

Hey, oh, my phone.

Hey, Roy, nothing important! Just wondering how the funeral went.

Hey, where are you lot off to?

Hey, you asked for my number!

Hey! You're already here!

Hi!

Hilarious!

Hired as a prank.

His name is paedophile?

His P.A

His P.A.! How?

His... Shut up! His P.A.!

Hold on a second. What exactly am I supposed to do

Hold on! Come on, Jen. I'm Peter File!

Holding the breasts in position.

Holy...! Call me an ambulance!

Hope it doesn't sound arrogant when I say...

How are you disabled?

How are you drunk again? It's not even noon.

How are you going to do that and work here?

How are you going to do that and work here?

How bad can it be?

How could we pay any more attention to you?

How disappointing.

How do I erase files like this one here, marked pensions?

How do you feel? Do you feel ready?

How do you fellas get any work done with a hot piece

How do you know all these... young...

How do you know I passed out?

How do you know?

How is it going?

How long have you been disabled?

How long have you been working for me now, Jen?

How lovely. White wine.

How many more things have we got left on the list?

How what?

How's that not useful?

How's that useful?

However, I am prepared to give you another chance.

Hum one of the songs.

I admire you, Roy.

I am doing presentation.

I am not a man woman, we are not married, I am not your wife!

I am too tired for revolution.

I am very aroused.

I ate an eel in New York but I was on stage so it doesn't count

I bagsy the model!

I bet he's a woman, that bloke.

I bought this muffin from the canteen,

I call it the Abracada bra!

I can help you with all this other stuff,

I can see where you've been having problems.

I can see why she's divorced. She's very divorceable

I can't believe we've done the whole list

I can't leave it. I'll turn it off. I've just been set up.

I can't let you nut jobs into my special place!

I chose Stephen Fennal because it's easy to remember.

I could give you a back rub, see what happens.

I could sue you and get everything.

I didn't care for it.

I didn't hear anything, Roy. Unless it was some kind of stupid mouse.

I didn't know there was a South Korea. OK, put it on.

I didn't know you smoked.

I didn't mean to. Derek Pippin!

I didn't really feel like being eaten, so we just watched Ocean's Eleven

I didn't see you on the way out.

I didn't want it to come to this, Jen.

I do and I disagree.

I do copyright violation, that sort of thing,

I do like Roy, but I'm not "curious".

I do not wanna know the date of my death.

I do think.

I do, yes.

I don't know but it was a great movie! Johnny Depp, what a revelation!

I don't know if they'd kill you, Moss.

I don't know that. How do you make that?

I don't know,

I don't know, but it's a bloody good question.

I don't know, it's an opportunity, you know?

I don't know, just...

I don't know, Roy. It does seem a little immoral to mislead him.

I don't know, you could do an evening class or something.

I don't know!

I don't know.

I don't know.

I don't know.

I don't know. Fitness.

I don't know. Listen, Douglas's laptop is having some difficulties.

I don't know... I'll cough.

I don't like the way Derek's looking at us.

I don't need to do anything. It's the dog's bollocks.

I don't really like the look in his eyes.

I don't think so

I don't think so

I don't think that's true.

I don't wanna be slapped in the face with their sexuality.

I don't wanna go out on the street. It's too..

I don't want them to know my identity.

I don't want to be Douglas's P.A.

I don't want to do it. I feel trapped, like a moth in a bath.

I don't want you as a P.A

I eat ready for breakfast.

I feel like such a turnip.

I fell off the toilet.

I get it!

I get it. When the cat's away. Yeah.

I go for classically good looking men. Blond, broad, clean shaven.

I got a reply to my advertisement

I got to put it up to 5.

I gotta pretty nifty home cinema system.

I guess it's more of a gay thing.

I guess you guys could come too if you wanted.

I had just two things in my possession:

I hadn't noticed so...

I happen to think I have a good few years left.

I hate toilet guys!

I have come from a faraway place to seek a great sorcerer.

I have got to go,

I have had a few drinks already, so, no one take advantage of me.

I have no secrets from them!

I have some filoffels that need pipping and I'm the mulder.

I have something important to tell you.

I have to say that actually, it's a bit of a surprise.

I have to say that's a really wild look.

I have two black rings around here.

I haven't done it! Why would I want to do it?

I hear the ballet in Prague is excellent this season

I heard one of Jen's friends is a model.

I hope Laura Nightly isn't gonna be dressed up like toyer or something.

I just can't seem to give the damn things up. I love them!

I just have to say "mum", and it calls her.

I just mean files.

I just paid a pound not to go to the toilet.

I just saw his film.

I just smoked a cigarette from a drain.

I just started running it today.

I keep one in the office for emergencies. Let's get you up!

I knackered that squirrel, the hand thing happened.

I know about those! Everyone knows about those!

I know egg and my face were in alignment.

I know I was horrible. I'm sorry.

I know Jeff. He'll need to go to the toilet in about another 2 rings.

I know people in the show, tickets won't be a problem.

I know someone who gets the tickle!

I know we had some rocky beginnings but I really think of you now

I know who it is. It's a man called Dominator

I know you don't think it's "important"

I know, BHDR Industries, they're the top makers of that product

I like you, Jen.

I love Irish people!

I loved it!

I may have got a little bit drunk towards the end there.

I may have misheard you there.

I mean Mr. Reynholm!

I mean physically.

I mean, I certainly try to... I would say I probably do.

I mean, watch this.

I mean, what is that?

I mean, you don't wanna be stuck here for the rest of your life

I missed that meaning, Jen!

I need to wee wee.

I need your mind on the job, not thinking about sexy sex all the time

I never know what to say to people at funeral

I noticed the reception wasn't great.

I printed it out.

I really am feeling much better.

I really do.

I really have to see this film soon.

I remember when the atmosphere here here was a lot less conducive

I said, "Do you think you'd die if you drank wee?"

I saw that one coming, Mickey73!

I see a lot of faces out there.

I see a lot of faces out there.

I see no need for an IT department,

I see where the confusion was. I thought this was a cookery course.

I see.

I see. Could you make me a cup of tea, please, Stephanie?

I see. What does he look like?

I see. What does he look like?

I see...

I should say that I have problems processing big news.

I smell food!

I sort of forget what I was talking about.

I sorted out this for you.

I spent 10 min trying to warn you

I suppose I better go back in there and see what Judy Finnegan's up to!

I suppose so.

I suppose we'll have to call the whole thing off.

I take my job seriously. And if I wasn't able to do it properly,

I take plenty of exercise and I haven't smoked for 3 years.

I think he was!

I think I can do better.

I think I can live with it.

I think it's fabulous.

I think it's time for a print out.

I think it's time we moved onto the next level,

I think that... It's..

I think that... what.

I think we're sitting too close to the screen.

I think we've done nearly all of them.

I think you'd enjoy this more while drinking your tea.

I think you've accidentally locked the door there, Jen!

I think.

I think. I think it's okay, isn't it?

I thought I could make it work between us,

I thought, given time, you'd get past the sex thing,

I trod on a piece of Lego

I try to think of something dry, like the desert or...

I wanna show you something.

I want to come back downstairs with you.

I want to feel like Melissa is alive just one last time.

I want you to promise me now, in front of all your new employees,

I want you to watch this DVD presentation I've just made.

I want you up front at that meeting.

I was doing about 75.

I was doing about 75.

I was just...

I was on 40 a day by the end.

I was talking to her.

I was very pleased with my last campaign.

I washed my hands!

I will now ask Mr. Pippin to read the eulogy.

I will take no further notice of it.

I wish I could've seen the look on his face!

I won't spoil your romantic evening with the gay man

I wonder when they will decide to get it over with and kill us.

I work with them, they're my workmates

I worked very closely with your father.

I would like to ask her how I would go about becoming a photographer.

I would much rather use this basement for something important.

I would take no further notice of it.

I would've gone into the theatre.

I wouldn't do that!

I, may have met a lady in the pub last night.

I... Bit of dust.

I'd be delighted!

I'd be letting myself and you down.

I'd completely forgotten.

I'd hate it if a game came out on one and I couldn't play it

I'd love to work in that office...

I'd rather lick a tramp. Derek, Hello.

I'll be honest. The reason I got you round a bit early

I'll be working very closely with your department.

I'll call the boys.

I'll get my PA to phone you with my name and address.

I'll have it sorted by next week. Just need to get it back off Jen.

I'll have the tartare sauce. Stop it! Stop it!

I'll help! No!

I'll hold it in.

I'll make it a quarter to.

I'll never forget our final moments.

I'll see you later

I'll send him right... I'll be right up. Bye

I'll use the disabled.

I'm a bit psychic sometimes, and I bet you came straight from

I'm a bit tired! Can I have a wheelchair too?

I'm a gay man! I tried to run from it tonight

I'm a woman.

I'm afraid I'll be bringing in my own people, so you're immediately fired

I'm astonished you should agree to this so readily

I'm being an idiot.

I'm captivated, Roy.

I'm comfortable with my sexuality.

I'm completely sure that I've absolutely sorted out

I'm disabled!

I'm disabled!

I'm disabled!

I'm disabled.

I'm going back to IT, where my skills are appreciated.

I'm gonna gamble

I'm gonna put it in my pocket!

I'm gonna spend the whole film guessing what it is. Damn you, Dominator.

I'm gonna...

I'm having a good time. Yeah.

I'm here, papa!

I'm in an ethical pickle.

I'm joined by Stephen Premmel,

I'm like your P.A

I'm mad for crack!

I'm not a slut.

I'm not f****** joking!

I'm not f****** joking!

I'm not gonna put it up to 8, Moss! It'll blow my cock off.

I'm not interested in you sexually and I never will be.

I'm not sitting in the sink again.

I'm off.

I'm Peter File!

I'm Peter File!

I'm positive. You can do presentation.

I'm really sorry I was late. It was..

I'm Roy, IT.

I'm running for my life. It was a horrible evening,

I'm sorry about the accident.

I'm sorry, I'm confused

I'm sorry, Johann, this must be such a let down.

I'm sorry, Moss, are you really sure you're ready to go on Dragons' Den?

I'm sorry, Richmond...

I'm stagnating, Jen, like a packet of crisps on the roof.

I'm still reeling from your answer to question 12.

I'm told my father was particularly proud of the IT department.

I'm your boss.

I've actually been looking forward to seeing this.

I've been expecting you

I've been standing here for 10 min.

I've been using a very creative accountant recently released from jail

I've done it.

I've done it.

I've got a lot of important papers to look over,

I've got an interview today with the producers at the BBC.

I've got something to tell you.

I've heard of this flick. There's a twist in it, isn't there?

I've just won 450 grand playing poker!

I've met enough of them.

I've never seen a grand father clock in a church before.

I've often thought if I hadn't ended up in computers,

I've ordered pizza and chicken wings and there's a cooler beside you,

I've seen it,

If a young woman like this can blossom within its walls.

If anything, I'm the husband.

If Helen Bewley sees it, she'll realise I'm a proper professional,

If I don't know, how will they?

If I don't see this film today, Jeff'll find out some way

If it's work related, obviously, you'll know what department this is.

If Jen coughs we have to stop talking.

If my calculations are correct, this could be the only bra

If my mother thinks I'm a cannibal, I'll be for the high jump.

If there is a Peter File in the terminal building

If this evening is gonna work in any way,

If this keeps on going on I will divorce her.

If two grown men can't make a pervert happy for a few minutes

If we are all quite ready,

If you do it, you will face the consequences.

If you paid more attention to me...

If you stray into areas I don't think appropriate, I'll...

If you type Google

If you'd just stopped to think about it for one second

If you're talking about who I think you're talking about,

If you're watching this, it means I'm dead, now.

In a kind of special way that means you can't come into my home.

In order to watch a film about zombies,

In the film Four Weddings and a Funeral.

In the kitchen.

In this area and an overall yield of 22%.

In what century are you living in? Do you think

Interesting film.

Into Google,

Iraq is a gigantic and bloody mess, isn't it?

Is a duty normally left to the eldest child.

Is buy the rights for the word Abracada bra.

Is everything all right?

Is German cuisine not good?

Is he from a newspaper?

Is he...?

Is it very long?

Is it your card?

Is it, er, comfortable?

Is just a boys' club.

Is just the last thing they would think of.

Is like building a house without laying a foundation.

Is that really the most important question? I... hang on,

Is thinking of having a breast augmentation.

Is this another one of your inventions?

Is this normal?

Is to go over some ground rules, OK?

Isn't she lovely?

Isn't this nice!

It actually estimates the date of your death!

It can even lead to headaches.

It can never go bad.

It clearly stated that you were going to die, today.

It does you no harm to look a little foolish from time to time.

It doesn't worry you, does it?

It is a funny song.

It is always a woman.

It is not a man date.

It just kind of split open.

It just seemed rude not to give him my number.

It keeps freezing.

It might be right.

It must be so difficult being gay and disabled.

It seems to me the problem is that you two spend too much time together

It shall come as no surprise to you that I don't like this department.

It takes place in the past!

It was a car accident? Brilliant!

It wasn't a cookery class at all.

IT. I knew that, yes.

It'd be uncomfortable without Colin.

It'll be a disaster, a disaster!

It's "I love willies".

It's "Peter File" not "paedophile"

It's a bit rude, Roy.

It's a brief case.

It's a huge pay rise, a chance

It's a living bra.

It's a long way back to Manchester!

It's a pass for me then, thank you.

It's a real step up

It's a Tarantino produced, South Korean zombie movie.

It's a very simple chip shot.

It's a woman.

It's all about the backstage party afterwards.

It's all right. I kinda switched off after the word football.

It's attached to the phone, I'd have to hang up...

It's because my son from my 1st marriage has arrived,

It's because there are a lot of dangerous things out there.

It's been a rollercoaster.

It's been ages since I had a mini break.

It's been crazy down here. We've had a call.

It's called Jen 2. It does everything you do

It's cold and I'm going out for a cigarette

It's cold, everyone looks oppressed.

It's cool.

It's Crash!

It's death! Yet it'd be.

It's definitely hyperoside, and it's not listed in the table of contents.

It's Douglas who wants me to be his P.A. That's it!

It's filepeter@hotmail. com.

It's filepeter@hotmail. com.

It's five years since the war in Iraq began.

It's got some pretty good reviews!

It's great crack!

It's great, isn't it?

It's illegal!

It's IT!

It's just a bad bra.

It's just a false economy and an ill fitting bra

It's just down there to the left.

It's just I don't know many heterosexual men who read Heat.

It's just in case any kind

It's just not in their nature to learn how to use a ladder.

It's just, you know, funerals.

It's killing me.

It's less than twenty?

It's like all the fun I had just after my wife died.

It's my home, it's my special place,

It's not a laughing matter, you can break the Internet.

It's not Earth.

It's not like a parking space, Moss.

It's not like you've lost a pen, is it?

It's okay. I'm always using the disabled.

It's only me.

It's only the Ministry of Defence.

It's over, Yorg.

It's pinching into my sides

It's really brave of her to come out

It's really pinching my sides,

It's set in the 80's!

It's so much worse.

It's the only one I had handy this morning and it's really terrible,

It's Thursday!

It's too gay for me. I thought I could handle it, but I can't.

It's true, I have been accused of sexy shenanigans

It's true, I have been accused of sexy shenanigans

It's true, I'm gay!

It's very loud, mind if I turn it down?

It's very obviously Crash!

It's... it's...

ITV? I'd forgotten about ITV. Brilliant!

Ja! You see?

Jen wants me to be her P.A.

Jen would never let us do this!

Jen, can you bring me the prototype when you're ready?

Jen, do something about that woman!

Jen, do you have a moment?

Jen, don't be such an old fuddy duddy.

Jen, Roy, bad bras are more than just a nuisance,

Jen, what am I gonna do?

Jeremy!

Jesus Christ!

Jesus!

Johann, this is Roy. Roy, this is Johann.

Just don't disable the firewalls.

Just you know, welly up the vibrator a bit.

Keep the conversation about things that would interest everybody.

Last night, I was stood from my slumber by a crow calling three times.

Laura Nightly from The Build?

Laura Nightly's in it.

Leaving you free to concentrate on this.

Leg disabled.

Let me start by reading this poem that I saw

Let's get started, shall we?

Let's get you out of here. Come on.

Let's just get over with.

Let's play Spin The Bottle!

Let's see if... I can't leave it.

Letting someone have a go on them for a ride in a helicopter.

Like a big toilet!

Like they killed my father, my father's father,

Listen, don't sit on anything. And...

Listen, I can't talk at the moment.

Listen, I told the cast about what happened,

Listen, Jen, I've got some bad news, Colin can't make it tonight.

Listen, Jen.

Look at us having a conversation. Yikes!

Look how ticklish he is!

Look more normal, more normal!

Look who it is, everyone.

Look, I have to go.

Look, I've got your advert here.

Look, just listen to me.

Look! He's leching at that lady!

Look! Richmond's still alive!

Look! There is Philip!

Lovely and...

Lucinda says she can't wait.

Making the future beg for it.

Man, these anti piracy ads are getting really mean.

Margaret, from her name I presume she's a lay dee?

Maurice Moss.

Maybe somebody's computer will break.

Maybe we could watch the film at his place!

Maybe you...

Maybe, you have to be... gay.

Maybe.

Maybe.

Me legs don't work!

Me? I'd be a 24 hour tripod.

Melissa?

Melissa?

Memory is RAM!

Mine is broken but I think that maybe I'll just watch it..

Mix with your personal life, then somehow, something will go wrong.

More of whom are gay,

Morning, beautiful.

Morning.

Morning.

Morning. You must be Jen's mother.

Moss, I don't like to be negative about it, but...

Moss, if you will excuse us?

Moss, this is important, I'm sitting you beside Margaret.

Moss, we're already late.

Moss?

Moss?

Most of us here today. But did that make him a better man?

Moths don't get stuck in baths.

Move back

Move on.

Moving your stuff over to my place, vice versa, I don't mind but...

Mr Reynholm, I am a professional.

Mr Reynholm, the men in the IT department are my friends.

Mr Reynholm!

Mr Reynholm?

Mr Reynholm's laptop is broken. Something flashed up a second ago.

Mum, I have to go.

Mum, mum, no...

My advice, Roy, is to forget all about this.

My computer's, my computer's broken...

My God, what happened?

My God, you're Irish!

My God!

My middle name is ready. No, that doesn't sound right.

My mother's father, my mother, and her father.

My tits.

My wife. She died

My... mother...

Mysteriously disappeared after a lengthy court case, 7 years ago.

Nearly at the station!

Needs to go to the toilet a lot. That happens to me.

Neither do I. I'm terrible.

Never had the interest.

Never have, never will.

Never seen a wine actually called "White Wine".

Next thing I know, it all kicks off.

Nice and carefully now. That's it, there we go.

Nice TV.

Nice.

Night, Jen. Roy's gonna walk me home.

Nightmare! An absolute nightmare.

No good at all!

No good can come of your trip to the theatre tonight!

No, but damn close. You are the man I seek.

No, he wasn't.

No, hold on. Moss is my best friend, and I'm damned if I'm...

No, honestly, it is...

No, I don't think so.

No, I suppose... I suppose I'm not.

No, I'd never smoke again

No, I'll wait.

No, I'll wait.

No, I'm a vic..

No, I'm fine, I'm with people.

No, I'm joking. Of course we won't.

No, I'm sorry. No, Moss said that.

No, I'm very busy. I don't wanna go for a ride in a helicopter

No, it doesn't

No, it's all right, we've got a replacement.

No, it's just, it's just a bad bra.

No, it's my fault, I really ought to be able to listen

No, just me.

No, just me.

No, my English is not so good...

No, no, his name is Peter File.

No, no, his name is Peter File.

No, no, I mean with Paula.

No, no, no, no, no, get Moss to do it

No, no, no. It's

No, no.

No, no. Not at all.

No, nothing.

No, she'd be like, "This is dangerous,

No, thanks, it's not for me.

No, thanks. And you shouldn't go either.

No, they're not!

No, we don't. Look, he'll give up in a second.

No, we haven't.

No, you are not coming to the funeral, Richmond!

No, you are not going to do it to me.

No, you think it's the future, but it's actually set in the past

No!

No! How could I?

No.

No. I don't like walking.

No. I'll wait out here for you,

No. I've heard of it.

No. Sounds fine.

Nonetheless, I want complete secrecy on this one,

Not just as my workmates, but as friends.

Not only that but all of my friends are single

Not terrible, just not great.

Not that I'm some sort of animal!

Not this one, Jen. But don't take my word for it, take it out for a spin.

Nothing. I had you down a Double Gloucester type person.

Now I know there's a twist.

Now if you don't mind, I have some filoffing to do.

Now, I can concentrate on your presentation.

Now, I like that!

Now, I'm afraid the vibrate setting is still a little weedy.

Now, it's...

Now, that's a guitar.

Now... listen, I was just wondering, have you seen the new Tarantino film?

Number one...

Number one...

Number one...

Of course I do.

Of course it doesn't.

Of course not, that'd be ridiculous

Of course you did!

Of course... OK. Bye.

Of Elephant man mob situation kicks off.

Of finger licking chicken like that?

Of telling me what the twist is, I know he will. Come on!

Of wonderful opportunities you'd be crazy to pass up. Sex.

Oh cool, have you souped up?

Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear!

Oh God, here we go.

Oh God, it's true,

Oh, actually, maybe it's just the thing.

Oh, bloody hell, I think this is my one.

Oh, bloody hell!

Oh, come on. She took that football team to court

Oh, dear!

Oh, dear! Look at me, having an orgasm!

Oh, for f... OK

Oh, for God's sake!

Oh, for God's sake!

Oh, go on then!

Oh, God f***!

Oh, God, Rohypnol!

Oh, God! Oh.

Oh, God.

Oh, God. Right, OK, yeah.

Oh, good.

Oh, hello. Yeah, I'm Stephen Premmal.

Oh, I can't... I can't...

Oh, I didn't know.

Oh, I see. Oh, you got me!

Oh, I'm so, so sorry.

Oh, is that the end of the story?

Oh, it went right in the heel!

Oh, it's gone to message

Oh, just say "I'm sorry for your lost", then move on.

Oh, lovely.

Oh, Moss isn't feeling too well and besides, of the two of you,

Oh, Moss.

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Social situations!

Oh, my tits are hot.

Oh, my tits are on fire.

Oh, my word

Oh, no, I enjoyed doing it.

Oh, no, I've lost it all again...

Oh, no, no, no!

Oh, no, not these idiots.

Oh, no, wait, I've got this guy coming over to watch a DVD.

Oh, no, wait...

Oh, no! Jesus!

Oh, picking up his mail, going to the supermarket for him,

Oh, poor you. That's terrible.

Oh, Richmond, not you too.

Oh, that is just huge. You're gonna be on telly.

Oh, that's easy, I'm wearing the same clothes.

Oh, the police!

Oh, very funny. Very mature. You're only wasting your own time.

Oh, well what kind of celebration

Oh, yeah, I'm sorry, the first time I wasn't expecting you

Oh, yeah! All right!

Oh, yeah?

Oh, yes

Oh, yes, and Denholm is dead.

Oh, yes, it was quite a memorable evening.

Oh, yes! Because that website said

Oh, yes! Because that website said

Oh, yes.

Oh, you don't have any glasses. Just pretend.

Oh. But Steve and Jake are still coming?

Oh... my... God!

Oh... why...

OK, are we all set for tonight?

OK, could you stop shouting at me?

OK, do it again.

OK, Douglas. Now we're alone, I can speak frankly.

OK, first thing we need to do

OK, I think we should probably leave now.

OK, I'll get it! Give me a go!

OK, I'm gonna move over here.

OK, maybe don't talk too much. Let the product do the talking.

OK, one more try.

OK, princess.

OK, see you then.

OK, stop shouting at me. I told you not to call me at work

OK, well, let's say this staple is science,

Okay, 73', that's good, that's good.

Okay, all right. Now, will you answer this question?

Okay, everyone ready?

Okay, good luck everyone, and...

Okay, I'm completely satisfied!

Okay, Moss, close that window!

Okay, no, I completely forgot... Okay.

Okay, question 40.

Okay, there's Denholm's wife.

Okay, yeah, someone will be up in a minute.

Okay...

One last thing

One last thing.

One way or another, you know. It's just I like...

One would hope so.

Only problem with it is that it's got a very weedy vibrate setting.

Only with my consent and, believe me, my consent was not forthcoming.

Or "cool" but there is a ruddy good reason

Or perhaps that should be "brie lliant".

Or whether you just wanted to come up here for my body.

Or, should he bend over to pick something up.

Or... a model.

Or... maybe I am...

Ordinary boys they ain't.

Original or remake?

Other people?

Over excited.

Over the coming months.

Overheating problem?

Passing to my window,

Paula?

People do need to be fit to go on Dragons' Den.

People!

Personally, I think it... It kind of, it ruins the fun.

Peter, I got that link for the Firefox extension.

Phew. So, no?

Philip knows the cast!

Philip, who were you talking to? Me or Jen?

Philip! Hello, hi.

Physically?

Pick a card.

Playtex have changed a lot over the last few years.

Please don't call here again.

Please dress as my sexy dead wife!

Please, Helen.

Plus, I've just had to walk all the way down the mother fudging stairs

Police! Don't move!

Possibly disguised, I...

Pounding the future.

Presuming at least two leap years. How the flip do you give up?

Proper support, proper support.

Pucker up, boys. It's hammer time!

Pull it out of the air.

Put it back in the pack.

Put it up to 8! Put it up to 8!

Queendom!

Question 39. When was the last time you exercise?

Quick everyone! The show's about to start!

Quiet, woman!

Raiders Of The Lost Ark?

Really?

Really?

Really? Gosh.

Red bearded man.

Red hair...

Red wine, please.

Regretting what we didn't do in our short time on this earth.

Relax!

Renham Industries has come a long way in the past few years

Reynholm Industries is now yours.

Reynholm Industries. A big hard business in a big, hard building.

Richmond...

Right,

Right, I see. Peter File.

Right, I'm off. I'll see you all on Monday.

Right, so sort of like not being your friends at all.

Right, you're right, out of my mind.

Right.

Right. Except, well, you did say Stephen Jennal earlier.

Right. It just sounds like "paedophile"

Right. OK. What does that actually involve?

Right... But you slept with her?

Roy, can you look at my PC, please?

Roy, hello. I didn't hear the phone ring

Roy, I was trying to remember how

Roy, I'm very flattered...

Roy, there's... something I should let you know.

Roy's your man.

Run by a dynamic go getter,

Say hello by tickling you!

See, this isn't actually a computer.

Set at gas mark egg on your face.

Shall I do...

She seemed lovely, right?

She starts screaming at them,

She went home early. She said she had some catching up to do

She'll appreciate that.

She'll be yours within moments!

She's just been made head of BHDR Industries,

She's just had reconstructive face surgery

She's kind of on the look out for a man.

She's nice. She got divorced recently but I should say

Should I check it out?

Shredded wheat.

Shut up, for God's sake!

Shut up!

Shut up!

Sitting in rags playing hoopaloo with the wind.

Smoke and mirrors, Roy. Is it Fennel? Is it Jennal?

So brilliant, dude! That's...

So eager, so brave.

So if anyone asks for me, my name is Stephen Fennal.

So if anyone asks for me, my name is Stephen Jennal.

So if you don't mind...

So it's best to get them all. Don't you think?

So just do whatever you want with me, I'm ready for anything.

So maybe it's time to make a decision.

So morbid.

So obviously we need to make friends.

So please...

So she'll be happy to have someone to talk to.

So that could well be something to hang on to.

So the surgeon...

So we had a laugh about it and in the end,

So we'll watch the film, then I'll tell him I changed my mind.

So what did you think?

So what do you think of it?

So what makes this bra different?

So what's it called?

So why don't you use your normal voice, now?

So you have to be extra nice to her.

So you're not interested?

So, am I getting a pay rise?

So, can you come up and have a look?

So, Douglas wants you to be his P.A.?

So, I want you to stop the tape, take it home,

So, I've got you two tickets for tomorrow.

So, please, either let me do my job or let me go

So, Roy,

So, Terry can do squash on the Tuesday.

So, well done on passing the test, Jen.

So, what are we watching?

So, what brings you to my lair?

So, what happened?

So, who's for dessert?

So, you may wanna put it all the way up to ten.

So, you never had a look?

So...

So...

Some idiot left it in the toilet.

Some lazy bastard just waltzed in there.

Some of you I know, some of you I hope to get to know better

Some of you I probably won't be seeing very much off, after today!

Some sort of homosexual department?

Someone stole his wheelchair

Someone's had an accident.

Something work related?

Something's wrong with your laptop.

Sometimes I forget I'm not just working with other women

Sorry about Margaret, it won't happen again.

Sorry about this, old man!

Sorry about this. I don't suppose, maybe...

Sorry to interrupt but there are some policemen here,

Sorry, bit of asthma.

Sorry, I couldn't hear you.

Sorry, I love doing that to him!

Sorry! I forgot the Heat!

Sorry?

Sorry?

Sorry.

Soviet out there.

Speed?

Splendid!

Stephanie called earlier.

Stephanie? Yes, hello.

Stephen Premmal?

Stolen!

Stop buzzing around, all right, Gary?

Stop it! Stop it! I'm trying to eat my dinner!

Strange... Oh, look at that...

Such a pessimist

Sure.

Sure. Guess who I'm about to meet now.

Sweet smoky cigarettes.

Swings and roundabouts!

Take this, tinc... tinc...

Take your time.

Take your top off, Jen.

Taxi!

Taxi!

Tell me about it.

Tell me about it.

Tell me, Margaret, tell us all,

Tell me! Who wears the trousers in this relationship?

Tell you what, if I did have tits, I wouldn't mind

Ten minutes in and you've already paid for yourself.

Ten!

Terrible isn't it? Every year it gets worse.

Than any of us here.

Than I'd originally thought.

Thank God for that!

Thank you very much. Jen, is it?

Thank you, computer man!

Thank you, John, and, prepare to be astonished

Thank you, Roy

Thank you, Roy. What are you drinking?

Thank you, some attention please.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you. I will use it well.

Thanks for coming down, man!

Thanks for printing out those funeral announcements.

Thanks.

Thanks.

That a man has to be gay to like a gay musical?

That comes direct from the oven of shame

That could have been a date, there...

That has something to do with our company.

That I am the greatest man in the world!

That is funny

That is perfect in itself, Philip!

That is something and a half!

That is the lowest setting.

That rhyming thing, this isn't working.

That song goes, The Locomotion, do you remember that song?

That was a great story.

That was quick.

That was some...

That was the old me. This is the new me

That you will never again

That...

That's a big telly

That's all there is!

That's fantastic.

That's fast!

That's just bloody rude!

That's my phone!

That's my rent sorted this month! And I can buy that new...

That's not a euphemism.

That's not important right now.

That's not my office.

That's quite gay...

That's right, baby! I've got 70 more years!

That's the rules. We stand around a bit first.

That's the thing. He wants me to quit the department

That's very admirable.

That's what I wanted, actually.

That's what it's all about.

That's where I come in.

That's you!

The airbag didn't deploy so I hit the dashboard.

The cleanest toilets of any legal department in London.

The conflict rages on with no hope of a solution in sight.

The disabled are coming for a chat. Here they are now.

The effect would be rather like having a large pair of man's hands

The future wants it!

The grit of it!

The last time I exercised was never.

The latest Heat?

The man who was with us is a cannibal.

The news, Dragons' Den, you're all over the schedules.

The only thing left to do is a prank phone call.

The Ordinary Boys,

The other day, it was to show me a dead fly.

The overheating problem, yes.

The party as well, didn't you?

The reading of the eulogy

The roar of the paint!

The second time, it just came as a bit of surprise

The smell of the grease,

The songs are good.

The straps are digging into my shoulders.

The straps are digging into my shoulders.

The thing is I have to meet Moss and Roy.

The world has changed.

The world has never seen the like of which.

Their best but some of the stains just won't come out.

Then asked them to leave. Not you.

Then maybe we should all just move to Iran

Then the answer is yes, he is gay.

Then they push us outside.

There are a couple of glitches I need to iron out.

There I am,

There it is again!

There was a group of tramps, two of whom she knows by name.

There was a memo. It just said:

There was that film that I wanted to watch before Johann ate me.

There we are, there.

There we go. Perfectly normal cup of tea.

There you go, there you go, mate.

There you go.

There'll be the interval soon.

There's no escape.

There's no invitation! Show me the invitation...

There's not a day goes past that I don't think of her.

There's nothing more romantic than a glass of wine and some...

There's nothing sexual going on.

There's one more thing, but it's for your ears only.

There's people screaming and blood... Oh, Paula!

There's somebody at the door!

There's somebody at the door!

There's somebody at the door!

There's still a chance to save this thing.

These are my workmates.

These idiots disabled the flipping firewall!

These things are, at best, 79% accurate.

They all seemed to pair off. It's what you want from an evening like this.

They are moving us to a new smoking area.

They are on fire. My tits are on fire!

They didn't let me see my face after the accident.

They have wings.

They said it might not be as symmetrical as it once had been,

They say "PED o phile" in America. Maybe you should move to America!

They say they need to speak to you

They were a test to find out whether you really wanted to work for me

They're a menace.

They're all clones. He's his own brother.

They're just mad, aren't they? They're just mad!

They're not giving my breasts proper support,

They're not idiots.

They're not my usual friends.

They're not my usual friends.

They're really, really hot

They're very sorry, but... you're not allowed back.

This doesn't even include the added revenue

This is amazing!

This is an illegal copy of a film.

This is good, good shit.

This is insanely brilliant!

This is Jen, and Moss and Roy.

This is Jerome. He does publicity for the show.

This is Jessica.

This is Jessica.

This is Moss, this is... Roy.

This is one of the biggest moments of your life.

This is Paula.

This is Philip, from sixth.

This is possibly the most comfortable bra I have ever worn.

This is your lowest moment, you know.

This isn't working out

This must be like the gayest musical ever made!

This should be the first chance. You should give us this chance.

This time next month, when you want German cuisine, I'm your man.

This website takes all the information you gave me

Those clumsy seduction. Don't say you couldn't see through it

Those things are great.

Thursday the 3rd!

Tincture, and put it in her drink.

Tiny elements of fissilca rub together to prevent the fabric

To a woman talking about bras without...

To hear myself talking about them.

To increase our online visibility without spending a single penny.

To start talking about bras and then,

To the United..

To what I can remember one executive calling "working skirt".

Today, I have a business empire, the like of which...

Turn that off.

Turning on my television set,

Turns out meeting new people is a lot more complicated

Two hours, 20

Two lovely cups of tea.

Unbelievable, some brainiac disabled his firewall

Unhappy priest!

United Queendom!

Unless I've made it even worse.

Unless you can find three guys to replace them.

Usually a fan of musicals.

Very busy. Leave a message.

Very difficult.

Very funny, you Irish!

Very funny.

Very. He did his own nose.

Voice recognition. So let's say I wanted to call my mum,

Wait a second, we were all "brilliant friends" a minute ago.

Wait here! I'm Peter File!

Wait till I tell you what happened to me.

Wait, where's your... Do you have a wheelchair?

Watch this, it looks good

We all have

We are looking for £400,000 for 2%. We'd welcome your questions.

We are looking for a Peter File

We are looking for a Peter File.

We both take it the same way, Douglas

We can't have Helen going back to BHDR saying Renham Industries

We didn't think you'd believe us.

We discussed it as a group,

We don't want to be like a dead fly,

We go to a film, sometimes the pub, maybe get some dinner,

We just seem to do the same thing day in, day out.

We know Denholm was a man of money.

We might as well get to it.

We must all fight them

We must fight them, Yen.

We should have married ladies but we married each other.

We were talking about Philip!

We're all insane, yeah.

We're going to the theatre. Do you wanna come?

We're in a bit of a sticky situation, aren't we?

We're just very good friends.

We're not going anywhere until we've got you sorted out.

We're not homosexuals.

We've all changed, Margaret.

We've all changed, Margaret.

We've really done all eight items?

Welcome to the 30th floor, Jen

Welcome...

Well done, good presentation.

Well done, James,

Well done, you've bagged a normal.

Well done!

Well said, sir!

Well, a motorbike jumped the lights and so I swerved into a lamppost

Well, answered an ad online.

Well, boys,

Well, come on. Let's get you upright

Well, don't take this the wrong way, but...

Well, File is my second name.

Well, he's either gay or a woman in her early twenties.

Well, how do you explain it?

Well, I always have this theory that if you let your work life

Well, I feel like hmmm

Well, I guess this is good night.

Well, I think a round of applause is justified for that dinner.

Well, I think it makes it more fun

Well, I was going to eat you.

Well, it says Moss on my phone.

Well, no,

Well, no, it's just been today.

Well, not that it's any of your business,

Well, now that's not fair, Roy

Well, once I've made up my mind to do something, that's it.

Well, right! I will I suppose... Take your clothes off,

Well, Roy and I are becoming like an old married couple.

Well, thanks everyone for coming! Enjoy the rest of the funeral.

Well, then go.

Well, to be honest with you, he's been making advances.

Well, we shouldn't have gone to war.

Well, what's good for the goose is good for the gander.

Well, who's this?

Well, would you put it out of your mind?

Well, yeah, you could come over here, we could put on some music,

Well, yes

Well, you know what a crow sounds like.

Well, you know... I didn't just...

Well, you'd better keep going then.

Well, you're nothing but an old man in a tent

What a bunch of bastards!

What a night I had last night.

What are the chances of that happening?

What are we doing, Roy? This isn't us.

What are you doing?

What are you doing?

What are you doing? Don't sit down yet.

What are you doing? You cannot smoke here.

What are you doing? You cannot smoke here.

What department is this?

What did you think this was?

What do I do when they want me to do the talking?

What do you mean?

What do you mean?

What do you want, Moss?

What do you want?

What does it say, Moss?

What exactly, um, is...?

What funeral?

What have we...

What needs my expertise?

What now?

What on earth made you think I was gay?

What set are you setting?

What the hell?

What was question 12?

What was that? It's not my fault he works in a toilet!

What was the last one? Oh, yeah.

What were you engaging him for?

What you're not so good at is everything else in the world.

What, how long more they've given me, 20 years?

What, leave?

What?

What?

What?

What?

What?

What?

What?

What?

What?

What?

What? 3 p.m.!

What? He's gay just because he reads Heat magazine?

What? Oh, no.

What? We didn't do anything.

What? We didn't do anything.

What? What it is?

What... What's happening?

What... What's...

What's that?

What's this about?

What's this? What's this?

What's wrong with it now? Come on.

What's your e mail address?

Whatever

When a moth thinks about travelling vertically upwards,

When did you last exercise, Jen?

When he thrusts it in front of my desk,

When is it?

When she's had a few drinks she tends to get a bit...

When we get back, maybe we should think about, I don't know,

When who should appear upon my television screen?

When you regained consciousness,

When your department must take a lot of the blame.

When your department must take a lot of the blame.

Where d'you get this film?

Where d'you get this?

Where did you get this? It's Douglas who wants a P. A.!

Where do they get these crazy names?

Where is my Heat?

Where is your God now!

Where is your God?

Where they work..

Where?

Where's Roy? He should be here.

Where's that ootsie tootsie humdinging coochie mama boss of yours?

Which has lead to significant gains

Which is why I'd like you to be my P.A.

Which is why I've been expecting you.

Which means that all the computers on floor 7 are teeming with viruses.

Which means that we now have

Which means, which means... a profit so far this year of...

While she's out gallivanting at her night classes and whatnot?

Whisky... Please. Double.

White Russian, please.

Who am I, Roy? I'm a ghost. I'm a shadow. I'm gone.

Who ever heard of German food?

Who is this?

Who is this? Yeah, yeah. This is his wife.

Who wants to tell me the twist in a film I've been waiting to see for ages.

Who will be next?

Who'd have thought at the end that bloke turned out to be the...

Who's a paedophile?

Who's Douglas?

Who's next? Right, Jen, OK, what's going on down in middle earth?

Who's that knocking at the door?

Whoa, there.

Why am I so good at this? What, am I gonna put this on my CV?

Why are you disguising your voice?

Why are you drinking Rohypnol, Jen?

Why do you just not come, then you wouldn't have to walk anywhere?

Why don't we ring them up again

Why don't you just come in and speak to me?

Why don't you just have a lie down in there?

Why else would he ask me out on a date?

Why else would he ask me out?

Why having them all?

Why not?

Why not? I'm tired.

Why Pirates Of The Caribbean?

Why Stephen Jennal?

Why we put up anti virus software and firewalls.

Why would you get a pay rise?

Why?

Why?

Why?

Will you come on with me?

Will you please stop saying that?

Willies, willies! I like willies!

With all due respect, John, I am Head of IT.

Women in the workplace...

Women working in a workplace environment...

Wonderful. Thanks, guys.

Wondering if you had...

Work in workplaces...

Work!

Works in the workplace...

Would it be if you didn't pass out at some point?

Would you like a drink?

Would you like a pen?

Would you like to come for a drink some time?

Would you please forget this website nonsense?

Wow, Edgar!

Wow, this music sounds like it comes from space.

Yeah, except, is there any chance I could...

Yeah, he ran me through it. He was really nice.

Yeah, hello, excuse me.

Yeah, I think I'll say yes. I think I have to.

Yeah, I totally pimped your phone, girlfriend.

Yeah, it's getting a little ridiculous.

Yeah, keep up Jen.

Yeah, let's go, let's go. Where's Jen?

Yeah, me too.

Yeah, okay, I'll call you later, bye.

Yeah, or... Or a rat.

Yeah, thank God nobody noticed.

Yeah, yeah. More than that, though.

Yeah, you know, standard stag.

Yeah, you're right, it's silly.

Yeah, you're right. Pay no attention to me.

Yeah? You wanna come round to mine? We can watch it there.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah. I don't like people.

Yeah. Just... just try and forget that

Yeah. Like a pair of confused little kittens.

Yeah. OK, we've had a little sleep, we've walked around in our pants...

Yeah... I like symmetry.

Years of wearing a bad bra

Yep, I know.

Yep, I know.

Yep, my tits are on fire.

Yep. What are you gonna do without me?

Yes, a pizza with g****s, please.

Yes, all right, it's me.

Yes, and thanks, Peter, for making it.

Yes, and thanks, Peter, for making it.

Yes, he had more money than...

Yes, he had more money...

Yes, I did. I signed a petition.

Yes, I know what you mean.

Yes, I suppose it does!

Yes, I think it did sound more like a rat.

Yes, it's a brilliant product.

Yes, it's got a very, very, serious overheating problem.

Yes, Miss Bewley.

Yes, please.

Yes, thanks.

Yes, they do.

Yes, yes, a business connection.

Yes, yes, I meant friends in a different way,

Yes, yes, sort of like that but in a really special way.

Yes, yes. There it is.

Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

Yes. Can you please bring me some wine?

Yes. Lovely.

Yes. Well, I think we're all a little older and a little wiser now, Helen.

Yes...

Yes... I'm staff!

Yet she is proud and will not have me.

Yet, the one was a second hand.

Yorg. Yorg, such fire.

Yorg...

You all right in there?

You are kidding me.

You are not going to die.

You asked me to come up.

You astray me when you borrowed that copy of Heat.

You bloody thing.

You brush your teeth in the bath.

You can all go, now.

You can break the Internet,

You can hit it so that it won't damage my teeth as it goes in?

You can't leave me alone in there

You can't wait to take her to court to get rid of her!

You cannot get nervous now because if you do, Moss,

You could meet other people as well.

You crazy little bastard!

You delicious bastards!

You did put something in that tea!

You did say you were with IT, didn't you?

You didn't do too badly yourself, "paedophile".

You do know we are burying a great man today!

You don't ask questions.

You don't come into it, you're not involved.

You don't know what those meetings are like, they are murder.

You don't like it, do you?

You don't understand. What I'm saying is she's kind of...

You go to them telling they were brilliant

You guys will probably be glad to see the back of me.

You have a beautiful skull.

You have a pizza with g****s?

You have to be careful, he's our new boss.

You heard me, take your top off.

You keep asking her all those questions about her accident.

You keep interrupting! We would've been done ages ago,

You know I changed my name by deed poll...

You know I spoke to you 4 hours ago?

You know it, you must know it.

You know that list of things we're not allowed to do when Jen's here?

You know when I'm going to die!

You know when you laugh, I can see the outline of your skull.

You know, calm down.

You know, give you some tips on business and presentation,

You know, I remember when smoking was fun

You know, I'm sick of saying that.

You know, in a sad way.

You know, just from my route.

You know, like a date?

You know, nothing about memory or RAM.

You know, things are moving just so fast, I can't keep up.

You know, things like

You know, we should do this sort of thing more often

You know, you have to be gay

You know, you just brought me to a gay musical called "Gay",

You know!

You look great. We should go to more funerals.

You look terrible. Are you ill?

You looked exactly like Melissa there.

You looked!

You lot deserve each other!

You made a 20 minute story out of it.

You make it sound like we're an old married couple.

You managed to speak for eight minutes without actually saying anything.

You may receive a visit from the police at some point

You mean people other than Roy?

You need to pretend to be normal people, yeah?

You owe me. Helen Bewley has gone away thinking I was a stripper

You raised no objection in the run up to the war.

You really know your stuff.

You remember the woman from last night?

You replaced me with an answering machine?

You run a very successful dinner party, Jen Barber.

You see, I don't think this is taking into account leap years.

You see, my computer's broken and I need someone to fix it

You should get out there meet other people.

You should see his place, it's incredible.

You stink!

You there!

You think the original invasion was a mistake? >

You totalled that cup, dude!

You wanna play Guitar Hero?

You wanna seal the deal with a high 5?

You want to cook with me, using me, you mean.

You were going to die at 3pm, didn't it?

You won't believe what happened last night.

You wouldn't go to the toilet in his helmet...

You wouldn't shoot a policeman, then steal his helmet..

You wouldn't shoot a policeman...

You wouldn't steal a baby.

You wouldn't steal a car.

You wouldn't steal a handbag.

You?

You'd have realised that it wasn't true.

You'd like to come to theatre tomorrow night, maybe, or...

You'd willingly spend time with Douglas?

You'll love this!

You're all out of there! You are out of there!

You're going to love this.

You're gonna have to face the fact

You're gonna let that hang there.

You're good at this.

You're history!

You're like you could do with a drink.

You're my wife, Roy, and I can't take it any more.

You're my wife. My wife!

You're not comfortable with your sexuality?

You're not disabled! You'll get in trouble!

You're not even in his eye line!

You're not married to her.

You're not the same man I liked when I came into the party

You're really important to me.

You're right. We went jogging,

You're ruining... You're ruining everything.

You're the expert.

You're very late,

You're very late. Quick.

You're very welcome, madam.

You've been laughing like mad at every...

You've changed

You've got spunk and balls.

You've got the guts to stand up in what you believe in.

You've got to call the police.

Your flat is way too small for this telly...

3, 4 months, is it?

20 gold pieces and I'm wankered on Rohypnol!

24..

25%

32?

40 a day, that's 146,002 a decade.

160 PPI screen.

...and you are ready to go! Brilliant!

...my desires? He has indeed.

...past of a great man. Nothing.

'Night Melly, you be good! Mind if I can't help it.

'Night, Steve. 'Night, Moss.

1,800 billion billions. Splendid!

40. 40?!

40%. 20%.

A day. A what?

Actually, I don't follow. I'll just put in on.

All right, all right. Good, thank you.

All right, Yoko. Oh, God.

All right. No. Physically,

And are you interested? I'm very interested.

and watch it again later in private. But these are my new family.

and we'll get started. Right.

Are you? No!

Aren't you gonna drink it? I will in a bit

At what? His bum!

Back off. We're just watching the film, Moss.

Brie? Yeah, what?

But I've got a big gig coming up. Put it away

but you... All right, go on

Can I go to the toilet? Yes, you may. You don't need to ask.

Can I have a lend of this? No.

Can I have a word, please? Sure.

Can I have some dessert? Yes.

Can't something just be fun? Oh, no, put it away, please.

cause his English isn't very good. Always the way.

Come here. I'm sorry, I guess

Come on, can't you see it? See what, Moss?

Come on, come on. Put it up! Okay, I'll put it up.

Come on. We don't even have ventilation here

Confident? Why are you so interested?

Definitely? No, Stephanie.

Did I miss anything? They just started Denholm's eulogy.

Did it? I can't remember. How could you forget?

Did you go? No. Did you?

Do me a favour. What?

Do something else. Like what?

Do you eat in here? Yes, this way, please.

Do you have a pen? I'm recording.

Do you like the theatre? Never been!

Do you want to watch a film? OK.

Don't answer it. Dominator?

Don't answer that! Why?

don't you? Yes. Yes, definitely

Douglas again? Yeah

Douglas is coming down. Douglas? Why?

Douglas! Speak, priest!

Easy, mate. Hold him tight that way.

Excellent. I'll have one sent up.

Excuse me? Yes, miss?

Filoffing? Yes,

for an IT department. Why didn't anyone tell me this?

from the door! What? No!

Good for you, Moss. But...

Good. Listen, Douglas's computer... What's been happening?

Goodbye, Jen. Bye, Jen.

Hang on, take my clothes off? Yes.

Has anyone got the right time? It's twenty to three.

Has he gone? Has who gone?

Have you been to Paris, Moss? No.

He means me, Moss. He was looking at me.

He wanted to eat you? Yes

He was going to eat me. Well, it's not really my area

He'll be in our prayers. Thank you.

He's a delicate flower. You are drunk!

Hello, Jeff. No, Roy,

Hello, Jen! Jen, when are you coming back down?

Hello, Laura Nightly. How are you?

Hello, Yorg. Hello, Jen.

Hello? Hello, Roy.

Hello. Hello, Jen.

Hello. I'm Moss. Yes, yes. I'm Johann.

Her 60th is coming up. Right.

here! Hello!

Hi, I'm Douglas. Jen Barber.

Hi. Hiya.

Hi. How are you, Jen?

High five! High five!

His name is Jeff Hawthorne. We must answer the phone.

How could they be that specific? Yeah, it's silly.

How does that sound? Sounds great.

How long does this course last? Course, what course?

How much did you give him? A pound.

I am wasting my life. How?

I am whom you seek. You?

I cannot tell you. What happened?

I do not wanna know! But I've written it all in now.

I get March 2nd 2079. Oh, my God!

I had no idea you felt like this. Well, I do.

I hate those kinds of games. Right

I have Ocean's Eleven. Original or remake?

I have this spare one. Oh, no, thank you.

I haven't seen it yet

I love willies! Sir, could you keep it down?

I see. Yeah. Always wanted them bigger!

I still think we're too close. Well, then sit in the sink.

I told you not to look! I made a mistake.

I wanna go for a ride in a helicopter. Well, grow a pair of tits.

I want to do a job! You'll do the next one!

I warned you about her. When?

I'll sort it out. Oh, could you?

I'll stand over here. I don't care.

I'm disabled. How?

I'm doing presentation. Where did you get pizza?

I'm embarrassing him! You're making a fool of yourself!

I'm gonna learn how to cook. Oh, I'm so pleased, Moss!

I'm interested! You're wondering

I'm just about to watch it, Jeff. I have already seen it!

I'm not calling you Dominator. But I am Dominator!

I'm not going back in there! Oh yes, you are!

I've got one! What?

in the event of your sudden arrival

Isn't she a beauty? It's certainly a phone.

Isn't this dessert? No, that's tartare sauce.

It means Personal Assistant. Thank you.

It was all over so quick! Just tell me just what you can.

It was full of coins! All right! I've apologised once.

It's a grey area, give me that. I knew something was askew.

It's all a dream. Oh, could you not...

It's an answering machine. An answering machine?

It's just I don't. Well, I do,

It's so obvious! No speaking!

It's Thursday. Thursday?

It's Thursday. What?

Jen's friend has got a stalker. Cool.

Just like this. All gone!

Just try and forget there's a twist. How can you forget there's a twist?

Let me speak! No! I'm talking to her!

Let's get a taxi. It's a ten minute walk.

Let's not fight again. No.

My Lord, thank you father. But it's yours at a price.

No, I don't. What? I'm just surprised.

No, I probably am. But what about the pay rise?

No, I'll take it from here. Nonsense. It's the least I can do.

No, that would be terrible. Thank God

No. I only drink absinthe.

No. Why not?

No. You're really going on Dragons' Den?

not go to this one? No, why?

Now, the suck fund..

Of the musical? Did you not just love it?

Oh, hey, Jen! Jen! Hello! It's Jen! Hello, Jen!

Oh, I'm sorry, are you OK? What happened?

Oh, what? Nothing.

OK, let's just start again. Yeah.

OK, we'd better be off. By the way...

Only without their consent. No, Moss, no.

Paedo File? PETER... File.

playing Guitar Hero. Exactly, exactly.

Please, take it. Why are you giving it to me?

Really? Yes. Stephanie's leaving.

Really? Are you sure? Let me rewind.

Really? I did send out a memo. I didn't get it.

Richmond? Do you have absinthe?

Right, you did say that. Yes.

Scared? No.

She was a delight. Yeah. We get outside,

Shut up! All ight, OK. Who's that?

so help yourself to beer

So how long does this course last? Sorry?

So the rumours were true... Quickly, before they see you.

So, someone stole you... My wheelchair.

So? That's where your balls are.

So? Well, it's just... you know...

Sorry for your loss. Thank you.

Sorry for your loss. Thank you.

sorry. Why not?

Sorry. I'm confused. Well, so am I.

Soviet? Yes.

Stop it! Come on!

Stop it! No, I... I mean that.

Tell her I'm here! Moss is with me!

Tell him he can eat me! Are..

Ten years. Ten years!

Thank you. Google?

Thanks for walking me home. That's OK. Goodbye.

Thanks, James. Jen, a word.

that dangers the company. I promise, father.

That was a stupid thing to do! You could have caught it, you idiot!

That was perfect! I rock!

That was stupid! I've no time for this bullshit.

That wasn't what I was gonna ask. What d'you want, then?

That what he just said. No. "Peter File".

That's if I go. Right.

That's nonsense. Drink it, then.

That's right. There it is there now.

The floor's all sticky over here. Allright, let's move back then.

The test? Yes!

Then why am I getting a pay rise? Why is he getting a pay rise?

This is lovely! Yes!

Tits! We're just a small church.

to manage what I call the suck fund! Where is the remote?

To the future! To the future!

Two of them now! Yes

Unbelievable, isn't it? What? Wait a second.

Wait 'till I tell you. Ah, sorry.

Was he? Yeah.

We are gathered here to... What's wrong with you?

We have drinks. Where's Peter?

We're answering the phone. We are not answering the phones

Well, let's have a little look. I want a go!

What are you doing? Don't panic!

What department is this? Sorry?

What did you do that for? Like I say, it was an accident.

What do you want to drink? White Russian.

What kind of phone have you got? It doesn't matter.

What level is this? Shut up!

What other stuff? OK, well...

what state her face is in. Was that obvious?

What the hell is this? Where the hell are your trousers?

What was it? He wrote it down wrong,

What was that?

What would they do? They would kill me.

What? How's everything upstairs?

What? I know.

What? Oh, my God.

What? Please.

What? What?

What? What happened? Something flashed up there.

What's in it for you? A cut.

What's that for? Sorry, it was an accident.

What's the matter? I don't know.

What's this all about anyway? You'll see.

What's up with you? I can't do this anymore!

What's wrong, now? I need to go to the toilet.

What's wrong? They've got a toilet guy.

Whatever. I'm not calling you it. Forget it.

Where's Richmond and Jessica? Pirates Of The Caribbean!

who gets stabbed in the face? She is lovely.

Who is she in The Build again? She plays that heroin addict

Who's a paedophile? No one.

Why didn't he come off for a drink? He doesn't wanna miss anything!

Why didn't you call the police? Why would I call the police?

Wi Fi enables... Ask me what kind of phone I've got.

With the man that wanted to eat you? Who else?

With your facial area. I hit it full in the face.

Wrong! Shut up!

Yeah, course I remember. How's it go again?

Yeah, mate. It does.

Yeah, no, I'm here for the cookery. No, this is the cookery.

Yeah? Good man?

Yeah. You should probably do it. Yeah?

Yen! Yorg.

Yes

Yes, he's from The Standard. Oh, God!

Yes, of course. I'll put it on.

Yes, thanks. Is that OK?

Yes, the cookery, how was it? I am so embarrassed,

Yes, there's that court case. Yeah, but she'll settle

Yes. Are you gonna do it?

You all right there? Yep,

You all right, Moss? I've got the blues, Jen.

You can't use the disabled! What? Why not?

You don't wanna know. You can't say that to me now!

You haven't been invited anyways. Wait...

You live here? Yeah.

You look amazing. Thank you.

You must be Roy. Yep.

You watched a film with him? Yes.

You were a bit wonky. Thanks, dear.

You wish for proof? Aye!

You would have her to your bed? Aye. A thousand times, aye.

You wouldn't steal a handbag... These piracy warnings...

You're doing so well! Yeah.

You're from telly! I am.

You're my wife! Stop calling me your wife.

You're not going to do it, are you? Well, there's a huge pay rise.

you're not the sort of man I go for. Yeah, thanks

You're scaring him. Don't be scared, Moss.

...and done!

...But you're not my type.

...definitely later phone the...

...done...

...how bad was the accident?

...like us.

...no one try it,

...Schweinefleisch.

'Cause that's all I wanted to know. I don't mind,

"Did someone else die?"

"Filepeter"? And why "filepeter"?

"I hate the IT Department."

"I want to cook with you."

"in the uncaring Thatcher years.

"IT department... does not compute

"Jen, Roy and Morris are IT professionals with Renham Industries.

"Nut jobs"? I hope you're not including me in that.

"Oh, God, my face is ruined"?

"Oh, I'm a fish. Help, I'm being eaten!"

"One of them, Morris, puts a case on a chair.

"Peter File"? It does.

"Stop... all the clocks."

"that's my favourite cheese as well."

"The dragons are beside piles of money, with pens."

"The story of a young man trying to find his sexuality

"They nod at the dragons.

"They walk up the stairs and across the room.

"Warning. Includes scenes of graphic homo eroticism."

"you can hit Moss in the face."

"You owe me money!" She thinks that the tramps owe her money.

< How are ye?

♪ Hold my hand ♪

♪ I love willies! ♪

♪ I'm a friend of Dorothy! ♪

♪ No, that's not my hand! ♪

♪ I'm a friend of Dorothy! ♪

♪ She is my friend! ♪