The IT Crowd (2006) - Season 2 Edit

A big dinner party and... It's gonna be brilliant.

A couple of photos?

A dream and 6 million pounds.

A gay man.

A gay musical,

A genius, and a man from Ireland!

A glass of white wine.

A great man!

A homosexual.

A horrible evening, and she's a horrible woman.

A hundred to one.

A ladder

A ladder to help moths escape from the bath.

A lot of people'd be confused as to why I invited them up,

A man...

A new wind is blowing!

A person needs a lot of backbone to be ordered around like that.

A spokesman for the Ministry of Defence. Mr Premmel?

A white Russian?

A woman need ever buy.

A work outing!

About irregularities in the pension fund

Absinthe, no. Red wine, white wine, Carlsberg?

Acid.

After last week's fiasco, I need to make a good impression.

Again, remember, leap years.

Against my female employees

Agreed, but before that, we've got to sort out the overheating problem.

Ah yes! Yes. You see.

Ah, here's Jen. Oh, that's it, it's a bra. I've made a brilliant bra.

Ah, New York, the city of apples.

Ah, Paris...

Ah, the theatre...

Ah, well, prepare to put mustard on those words,

All right, but let's concentrate on this first

All right, get them houselights up

All right, I will.

All right, lads! Let's get a sing song coming!

All right, see you tomorrow.

All right, so you've already done it. So, when's the big day?

All right, thank you.

All right, you're all right.

All right, you're in for half a percent.

All right! Enough of the jibber jabber!

All right. Bring him carefully!

All right. It's gonna be okay.

All right. What?

All that and it's not even giving my breasts proper support!

All the cool kids were doing it.

Along with this slice of humble pie

Also call Who's Who and get them to update my entry.

Although, not too late after noon, so that gives you most of the day.

Amazing! Super powerful!

Ambiguity.

And a glass of white wine.

And a man doesn't live here?

And all the consoles. You've got all of the consoles.

And as a woman,

And as a woman, as a worker,

And ask if they do a pizza with pineapple on it?

And Chessington World of Adventures say

And did you meet him before the operation?

And get an ambulance!

And guess what it does?

And guess what the twist is? It's just that might get a little annoying.

And he knows people in the theatre.

And hopefully we'll still be able to enjoy it.

And how did it happen, if that's not a rude question?

And I have a feeling I'll be needing you

And I have it on good authority.

And I have to say women do love a cook.

And I like that in a woman.

And I love you, Moss, I love you.

And I want you to be a part of it. A part of me. Sex...

And I'll be Jolly Rogered if there's not hyperoside in it.

And I'll do fitness.

And I'm loving it.

And I'm not...

And I'm the boss.

And I'm the gander!

And I'm the husband!

And if you ask me...

And it doesn't boss us about. It is brilliant.

And it turns out he didn't want to teach me how to cook...

And it's all thanks to these little things.

And it's free wine all night.

And let's have a look at you!

And look, we're out, we're meeting people.

And mum, what age did Uncle Tony die?

And not a member of the sex industry. You sure?

And now she's Head CEO at BHDR Industries.

And Reynholm Industries wants to give it to the future.

And since when was tickling gay?

And so are all of his, so tonight, we're gonna have

And some chicken wings, please. Thank you.

And that was when my bag... I don't know what happened,

And the straps are digging into my shoulders.

And then give you the details. How's that?

And then Peter said, "Brie,

And then send it to the policeman's grieving widow...

And then steal his helmet

And then steal it again!

And then, another chance.

And these "other people", where do they congregate?

And they told me to get you all to come back and meet them!

And we think it would be best if I were to sit beside the model...

And we tumbled about.

And we've walked f****** miles.

And what's the matter with you?

And when Peter had helped me pick everything up, well...

And you know, a little birdy told me that you couldn't make the show tonight.

And you sorted out the overheating problem?

Another chance? But I didn't know we'd already had a chance.

Another time, maybe. OK.

Any thoughts?

Anyway, at the end, there's a very unusual twist.

Anyway, I'm glad we've got that cleared up.

Anyway, it's a date. I'm sure it is.

Anyway, these came back and they said they did

Anyway, these came back today

Anyway!

Apparently, there's something wrong with all the computers on 7th. Who wants it?

Apples and oranges everywhere.

Are there any famous people in it?

Are they gonna get them out?

Are we still on this?

Are you all right?

Are you not worried that we might be cannibals?

Are you OK, Jen?

Are you poorly?

Are you slacking off in there?

Are you still in the same clothes as yesterday?

Are you sure he meant it as a date "date"?

Are you sure you're not going along as his gal pal?

Are you wearing that shirt for a bet?

Arising for your take over of ITV!

As a woman worker who..

As the only 2 women in the room, we can dispense with formalities, don't you?

Asking me if I wanna go for a ride in his helicopter.

At every gay reference. Your friends,

At precisely 3:00. Unless, it was tomorrow.

Audience participation! Go, go!

Balsamic vinegar...

Basically, pure self control, Moss

Bearded.

Beautiful second name! What're you doing after the funeral?

Because I have discovered four ways

Because if someone is listening in on this conversation,

Because she was in a really bad car accident

Because the lift is broken, again.

Because you looked a bit like a man!

Because...

Become embroiled in a sexual harassment case

Before you begin,

Before you do this, you're sure

Being a cannibal's a little immoral too.

Being clear. I don't want any...

Besides, I really wanna meet Laura Nightly.

Blind, wizened man.

Block stood looking at us!

Bloody thing, bloody pain in the arse.

Brilliant!

Brilliant!

Brilliant!

Brilliant. Just my luck.

Bruce Wayne.

Busting into the future strongly, again and again.

But 40%, Jen, be reasonable.

But all I know is I loved every last second of it.

But didn't you want to watch the film that I have here?

But how did they get in?

But I can't, I can't!

But I promised I'd get them for her birthday.

But I was planning to have a little poo.

But I'll let someone know.

But I've always liked the idea of the theatre.

But isn't that half the fun, trying to guess the twist?

But it just goes on and on, year in, year out. We're stagnating!

But it's all the other stuff, isn't it?

But no, it's today, at 3:00.

But nothing has, has it? I think it all went rather well.

But symmetry isn't everything.

But the bra will go bad, all bras go bad.

But then, as Jen pointed out earlier,

But there's no way I'm going anywhere near that thing.

But they know now.

But we are. Can't you see? You're my wife, Roy!

But would you like a cup of tea?

But you obviously can't.

But you wanted someone who would agree to let you kill and eat them.

But you've got to keep this under your respective hats

But you've never been to see a play?

But, as you all know, Denholm's son Douglas

Buying the same sort of cheese!

By the way, I took your advice about those evening classes.

Bye.

Call me a f****** ambulance!

Call me back.

Called "Gay".

Calm down. At least, it can't get any worse

Can a straight man not have homosexual friends?

Can contribute to upper back and shoulder pain.

Can I have a double whisky, please?

Can I have it with extra g****s?

Can you describe him?

Cannibals?

Car accident.

Carlsberg, perfect.

Catch you later!

Catching up with the news events of the day,

Caucasian male...

Caused a scene, and is currently chatting up some nearby trull.

Check that asses!

Cheers, dude.

Cigarettes have finally killed me.

Circle Of Friends?

Close it.

Colin was bringing them. I don't know them well,

Come here, my little soldier.

Come here, you!

Come in, come in.

Come in. Come in. Ja.

Come on everybody! Off the van!

Come on, behave yourselves.

Come on, cheer up! You're gonna ruin the funeral.

Come on, get out! Come on!

Come on, Jen! Ever feel like just having some fun?

Come on, let's get you home.

Come on, Moss, you're keeping the dragons waiting.

Come on, Mr Renow, while I'm down here. I may as well get to work.

Come on!

Come on. Give me a hand. There you go.

Come sit on my big hand.

Come with me.

Come, sit. Tell me a tale.

Concerning irregularities in the pension fund.

Conversation...

Coughing is the signal. Richmond, did you hear that?

Could he have thought you were a man?

Could he please make his way to gate 24?

Could Peter File please make himself known to ground staff?

Could well ruin your otherwise painstakingly selected ensemble.

Could you categorise the personel files alphabetically from now on?

Could you not try

Course, I'll send someone up as soon as I can, OK? Bye

Curium. Ebrium. And unless I'm going crazy, that's selenium.

Damn that sorcerer!

Dead man walking!

Deal.

Death came for Denholm just as it will come for you.

Death is coming!

Death is here...

Death is outside...

Death!

Denholm instructed that this short film be played before the service.

Denholm is dead.

Derek, good to meet you.

Did someone else die?

Did you hear something, Moss? I thought I heard a noise.

Did you just say sex?

Did you just say that you were going to eat me?

Did you look in the mirror and think,

Did you see it? Is he in?

Did you see who it was?

Did you think I was talking to you?

Didn't miss a note. I am wasting my life.

Do g****s even go with pizza?

Do what? What are you talking about? Let me help...

Do you even have the authority to offer me a pay rise?

Do you get your five fruit and veg?

Do you have with insomnia?

Do you know what Playtexwould do to me if they knew about the Abracada bra?

Do you know, it is really important to me that you like him.

Do you need any help getting home?

Do you need help?

Do you want me to get rid of them?

Do you want to meet the cast?

Documentaries...

Does a bit. "Peter File."

Does it say I'm already dead?

Don't get me wrong. You have got the science down

Don't leave! It's rude!

Don't say it like that! It sounds like "paedophile".

Don't say it like that! It sounds like "paedophile".

Don't tell me!

Don't touch that.

Donning clothes over a bad bra

Double whisky.

Douglas has asked me to be his P.A.

Douglas needs someone to take a look at his computer.

Douglas wants me to be your P.A.?

Douglas! Sorry,

Downloading films is stealing.

Earlier that day... (del VO)

Easy.

Eating people is illegal!

Eating! Hello, how are you?

Eh, Moss, look, I'm a woman.

Employee thing, don't you?

Entrare.

Even for a joke.

Even if that were true,

Every time I want a cigarette now I have to go to Gorky Park.

Every time I want a cigarette now I have to go to Gorky Park.

Every value I've ever held is being questioned,

Everyone knows. And once more,

Everyone's a ghost.

Everything you invent is worthless.

Exactly.

Excellent, that's settled! Seven o'clock tonight.

Excuse me, sir. Can I have a word?

Excuse me, sorry...

Excuse me! This is a staff toilet!

Father!

Father!

Feels like we've built up a... connection.

Feels longer.

Fiddly do.

Final clause, Stephanie,

Fine.

First they take away our smoking room,

First, The Ordinary Boys, and now this.

Fitness?!

Five stars!

Flunitrazepam... Yep, that's definitely Rohypnol.

Fly!

For a lot more than just deleting incriminating files.

For God sake, are you gay? Are you a gay man?

For God's sake!

For God's sake!

For institutional sexism, won massive damages,

For once, can we please not bring your mother into it.

For you will soon be consuming them,

Forget it!

Forget the play.

From resting too long in any one position.

Gavin Briers here with developments in North Korea.

Gay musical? Aren't all musicals gay?

Gentleman, to the future.

Gentleman, when I first started Reynholm Industries,

German cuisine?

Get in!

Getting his washing. I have to say, Moss,

Getting to know you, getting to know all about you!

Glasses.

Go and get changed!

Go on!

God, I feel rough.

God, maybe I could just kill myself.

Good bye, father!

Good distance from the sofa.

Good God.

Good looking men?

Good luck.

Good stag?

Good, because usually when I try something new it ends up a disaster.

Good. Of course you are. Thursday?

Goodbye, Yorg.

Gosh

Got Helen Bewley coming in tomorrow. Do you know who she is?

G****s? What are you like?

Graphic homo eroticism?

Great show.

Great, thanks.

Great, yeah.

Great! I will give you a call

Great! That's settled then.

Great.

Great. We should really pick up our tickets.

Guten Abend. I mean hello.

Had my tonsils out last month, I could have kept them.

Half a percent.

Hang on a second.

Hang on a second.

Hang on...

Hang on...

Has Moss explained to you..

Have you still not seen the film yet?

Have you thought of adapting it into a film?

Have you tried turning it off and on again?

He actually did want to borrow the copy of Heat.

He actually does know people in the theatre.

He borrowed Heat?

He borrowed Heat.

He can't say that, can he?

He got us our tickets.

He hates us, he keeps saying that there's no need

He is and he was such a nice man.

He is proper normal, isn't he?

He keeps bringing me up on these flimsy pretexts.

He reads Heat!

He should work where people don't want to go to the toilet.

He sounds delicious!

He sounds disoriented.

He wanted to cook me!

He wanted to eat me!

He wanted to eat you!

He wanted to eat you?

He was a fine Young Cannibal.

He was asking me questions, I couldn't just ignore him.

He wouldn't come here, not with all these people around.

He's a terrible toilet guy!

He's been gay, since Wham.

He's got a great system, 50" TV.

He's had quite an evening.

He's just an ordinary ignored man!

He's laughing like an idiot at every single gay reference!

He's long gone, although Roy's got a man date with him.

He's not a gay man!

He's not moving to America!

He's not paying me more to stay here.

He's not really qualified, Jen.

He's one of those German cannibals.

He's only really interested in people he can eventually eat.

He's taking me to Paris this weekend.

Heads of department meeting.

Hear me well!

Helen Bewley.

Hello again. If you're watching this,

Hello Johann. I brought dessert!

Hello, darling!

Hello, everybody!

Hello, everybody!

Hello, good morning, here I am. Here we go.

Hello, I'd like to order a pizza, please.

Hello, IT, have you tried turning it off and...

Hello, Jen.

Hello, Moss speaking.

Hello, Stephen Premmel. I'm afraid I'm very late.

Hello, there.

Hello, there. Yes, can I help you?

Hello!

Hello!

Hello!

Hello! How wonderful!

Hello? Hello?

Hello.

Hello.

Hello. Come in.

Hello. I'm Roy.

Help me! My husband's trying to kill me!

Help, pal! I need a wheelchair!

Her name is Jane or Jan or something similar.

Her sweet voice wakes a mighty tiger behind my fly.

Here lies a great man!

Here they are, now!

Here they are, so look normal.

Here we go again!

Here's a car crashing into another car,

Here's a question who here would eat a spider? I would.

Here's a selection of her lingerie.

Here's Paul with the wheelchair.

Hey there, guys!

Hey, fellas!

Hey, it's my G!

Hey, James!

Hey, Jen, Roy.

Hey, Jerome!

Hey, oh, my phone.

Hey, Roy, nothing important! Just wondering how the funeral went.

Hey, where are you lot off to?

Hey, you asked for my number!

Hey! You're already here!

Hi!

Hilarious!

Hired as a prank.

His name is paedophile?

His P.A

His P.A.! How?

His... Shut up! His P.A.!

Hold on a second. What exactly am I supposed to do

Hold on! Come on, Jen. I'm Peter File!

Holding the breasts in position.

Holy...! Call me an ambulance!

Hope it doesn't sound arrogant when I say...

How are you disabled?

How are you drunk again? It's not even noon.

How are you going to do that and work here?

How are you going to do that and work here?

How bad can it be?

How could we pay any more attention to you?

How disappointing.

How do I erase files like this one here, marked pensions?

How do you feel? Do you feel ready?

How do you fellas get any work done with a hot piece

How do you know all these... young...

How do you know I passed out?

How do you know?

How is it going?

How long have you been disabled?

How long have you been working for me now, Jen?

How lovely. White wine.

How many more things have we got left on the list?

How what?

How's that not useful?

How's that useful?

However, I am prepared to give you another chance.

Hum one of the songs.

I admire you, Roy.

I am doing presentation.

I am not a man woman, we are not married, I am not your wife!

I am too tired for revolution.

I am very aroused.

I ate an eel in New York but I was on stage so it doesn't count

I bagsy the model!

I bet he's a woman, that bloke.

I bought this muffin from the canteen,

I call it the Abracada bra!

I can help you with all this other stuff,

I can see where you've been having problems.

I can see why she's divorced. She's very divorceable

I can't believe we've done the whole list

I can't leave it. I'll turn it off. I've just been set up.

I can't let you nut jobs into my special place!

I chose Stephen Fennal because it's easy to remember.

I could give you a back rub, see what happens.

I could sue you and get everything.

I didn't care for it.

I didn't hear anything, Roy. Unless it was some kind of stupid mouse.

I didn't know there was a South Korea. OK, put it on.

I didn't know you smoked.

I didn't mean to. Derek Pippin!

I didn't really feel like being eaten, so we just watched Ocean's Eleven

I didn't see you on the way out.

I didn't want it to come to this, Jen.

I do and I disagree.

I do copyright violation, that sort of thing,

I do like Roy, but I'm not "curious".

I do not wanna know the date of my death.

I do think.

I do, yes.

I don't know but it was a great movie! Johnny Depp, what a revelation!

I don't know if they'd kill you, Moss.

I don't know that. How do you make that?

I don't know,

I don't know, but it's a bloody good question.

I don't know, it's an opportunity, you know?

I don't know, just...

I don't know, Roy. It does seem a little immoral to mislead him.

I don't know, you could do an evening class or something.

I don't know!

I don't know.

I don't know.

I don't know.

I don't know. Fitness.

I don't know. Listen, Douglas's laptop is having some difficulties.

I don't know... I'll cough.

I don't like the way Derek's looking at us.

I don't need to do anything. It's the dog's bollocks.

I don't really like the look in his eyes.

I don't think so

I don't think so

I don't think that's true.

I don't wanna be slapped in the face with their sexuality.

I don't wanna go out on the street. It's too..

I don't want them to know my identity.

I don't want to be Douglas's P.A.

I don't want to do it. I feel trapped, like a moth in a bath.

I don't want you as a P.A

I eat ready for breakfast.

I feel like such a turnip.

I fell off the toilet.

I get it!

I get it. When the cat's away. Yeah.

I go for classically good looking men. Blond, broad, clean shaven.

I got a reply to my advertisement

I got to put it up to 5.

I gotta pretty nifty home cinema system.

I guess it's more of a gay thing.

I guess you guys could come too if you wanted.

I had just two things in my possession:

I hadn't noticed so...

I happen to think I have a good few years left.

I hate toilet guys!

I have come from a faraway place to seek a great sorcerer.

I have got to go,

I have had a few drinks already, so, no one take advantage of me.

I have no secrets from them!

I have some filoffels that need pipping and I'm the mulder.

I have something important to tell you.

I have to say that actually, it's a bit of a surprise.

I have to say that's a really wild look.

I have two black rings around here.

I haven't done it! Why would I want to do it?

I hear the ballet in Prague is excellent this season

I heard one of Jen's friends is a model.

I hope Laura Nightly isn't gonna be dressed up like toyer or something.

I just can't seem to give the damn things up. I love them!

I just have to say "mum", and it calls her.

I just mean files.

I just paid a pound not to go to the toilet.

I just saw his film.

I just smoked a cigarette from a drain.

I just started running it today.

I keep one in the office for emergencies. Let's get you up!

I knackered that squirrel, the hand thing happened.

I know about those! Everyone knows about those!

I know egg and my face were in alignment.

I know I was horrible. I'm sorry.

I know Jeff. He'll need to go to the toilet in about another 2 rings.

I know people in the show, tickets won't be a problem.

I know someone who gets the tickle!

I know we had some rocky beginnings but I really think of you now

I know who it is. It's a man called Dominator

I know you don't think it's "important"

I know, BHDR Industries, they're the top makers of that product

I like you, Jen.

I love Irish people!

I loved it!

I may have got a little bit drunk towards the end there.

I may have misheard you there.

I mean Mr. Reynholm!

I mean physically.

I mean, I certainly try to... I would say I probably do.

I mean, watch this.

I mean, what is that?

I mean, you don't wanna be stuck here for the rest of your life

I missed that meaning, Jen!

I need to wee wee.

I need your mind on the job, not thinking about sexy sex all the time

I never know what to say to people at funeral

I noticed the reception wasn't great.

I printed it out.

I really am feeling much better.

I really do.

I really have to see this film soon.

I remember when the atmosphere here here was a lot less conducive

I said, "Do you think you'd die if you drank wee?"

I saw that one coming, Mickey73!

I see a lot of faces out there.

I see a lot of faces out there.

I see no need for an IT department,

I see where the confusion was. I thought this was a cookery course.

I see.

I see. Could you make me a cup of tea, please, Stephanie?

I see. What does he look like?

I see. What does he look like?

I see...

I should say that I have problems processing big news.

I smell food!

I sort of forget what I was talking about.

I sorted out this for you.

I spent 10 min trying to warn you

I suppose I better go back in there and see what Judy Finnegan's up to!

I suppose so.

I suppose we'll have to call the whole thing off.

I take my job seriously. And if I wasn't able to do it properly,

I take plenty of exercise and I haven't smoked for 3 years.

I think he was!

I think I can do better.

I think I can live with it.

I think it's fabulous.

I think it's time for a print out.

I think it's time we moved onto the next level,

I think that... It's..

I think that... what.

I think we're sitting too close to the screen.

I think we've done nearly all of them.

I think you'd enjoy this more while drinking your tea.

I think you've accidentally locked the door there, Jen!

I think.

I think. I think it's okay, isn't it?

I thought I could make it work between us,

I thought, given time, you'd get past the sex thing,

I trod on a piece of Lego

I try to think of something dry, like the desert or...

I wanna show you something.

I want to come back downstairs with you.

I want to feel like Melissa is alive just one last time.

I want you to promise me now, in front of all your new employees,

I want you to watch this DVD presentation I've just made.

I want you up front at that meeting.

I was doing about 75.

I was doing about 75.

I was just...

I was on 40 a day by the end.

I was talking to her.

I was very pleased with my last campaign.

I washed my hands!

I will now ask Mr. Pippin to read the eulogy.

I will take no further notice of it.

I wish I could've seen the look on his face!

I won't spoil your romantic evening with the gay man

I wonder when they will decide to get it over with and kill us.

I work with them, they're my workmates

I worked very closely with your father.

I would like to ask her how I would go about becoming a photographer.

I would much rather use this basement for something important.

I would take no further notice of it.

I would've gone into the theatre.

I wouldn't do that!

I, may have met a lady in the pub last night.

I... Bit of dust.

I'd be delighted!

I'd be letting myself and you down.

I'd completely forgotten.

I'd hate it if a game came out on one and I couldn't play it

I'd love to work in that office...

I'd rather lick a tramp. Derek, Hello.

I'll be honest. The reason I got you round a bit early

I'll be working very closely with your department.

I'll call the boys.

I'll get my PA to phone you with my name and address.

I'll have it sorted by next week. Just need to get it back off Jen.

I'll have the tartare sauce. Stop it! Stop it!

I'll help! No!

I'll hold it in.

I'll make it a quarter to.

I'll never forget our final moments.

I'll see you later

I'll send him right... I'll be right up. Bye

I'll use the disabled.

I'm a bit psychic sometimes, and I bet you came straight from

I'm a bit tired! Can I have a wheelchair too?

I'm a gay man! I tried to run from it tonight

I'm a woman.

I'm afraid I'll be bringing in my own people, so you're immediately fired

I'm astonished you should agree to this so readily

I'm being an idiot.

I'm captivated, Roy.

I'm comfortable with my sexuality.

I'm completely sure that I've absolutely sorted out

I'm disabled!

I'm disabled!

I'm disabled!

I'm disabled.

I'm going back to IT, where my skills are appreciated.

I'm gonna gamble

I'm gonna put it in my pocket!

I'm gonna spend the whole film guessing what it is. Damn you, Dominator.

I'm gonna...

I'm having a good time. Yeah.

I'm here, papa!

I'm in an ethical pickle.

I'm joined by Stephen Premmel,

I'm like your P.A

I'm mad for crack!

I'm not a slut.

I'm not f****** joking!

I'm not f****** joking!

I'm not gonna put it up to 8, Moss! It'll blow my cock off.

I'm not interested in you sexually and I never will be.

I'm not sitting in the sink again.

I'm off.

I'm Peter File!

I'm Peter File!

I'm positive. You can do presentation.

I'm really sorry I was late. It was..

I'm Roy, IT.

I'm running for my life. It was a horrible evening,