Peep Show - Season 1 Edit

A bloody brief candle.

A funeral, it's an emotional time, lots of emotions.

A great thing to have, a faith.

A great thing to have, a faith.

A hospice is where people go to... Who... are terminally ill.

A pass? He... The bloody...!

Actually, I think I'm all right.

After a nice Italian and a couple of bottles of wine.

Ahh.

All right, Mark.

All right, OK, I get the message.

And he draws horrible, vicious cartoons of you

And I just wanted to say that I think we should all remember

And I thought you...

And I wanted an Enya themed funeral

And I was all, hell, yeah! I mean, this is definitely not the rehearsal.

And I'm high, obviously.

And it saves them having to humiliate themselves. Check out this guy.

And photocopy your arses?

And she gave me a peck on the cheek. It's a nightmare!

And she...?

And suddenly I'm up in front of the middle aged court

And that Enya died for our sins

And that in fact I thought Enya was great

And we believe in them.

And we had turkey Findus Crispy Pancakes. I wanted to kill myself.

And we thought, you know, we'd come here for a few... bowls.

And wraps them up in sausage meat and calls you a sausage muncher.

And, well, what we were saying is that what we both really want

Anyway, er...

Anyway, he seems to be over that now. And the whinnying.

Are you going to take your pants off?

Are you selling insurance?

Ask her out without asking her out.

At 3.99 I think I know who's winning.

Basically, it's not wishing to beat about the bush

Best ever!

Best ever!

Best looking people can pick the best looking,

Bleaurgh, bleaurgh, bleaurgh, bleaurgh, bleaurgh.

Blimey.

Bloody hell, what are you doing?

Boom!

Bowl the night away, with us.

But I hear they have a big gay following.

But it's better this way two lads.

But listen, Sophie, I wanted to ask you,

But that now I really, really was into Enya

But then I thought, "Hey, no, sort it out. "

But then there's no proof for lots of things

But until I do, I don't want you to be alarmed by the size of my...

But we thought the Lazer Bowl would be more fun.

But we've already been caught.

Bye.

C can I say how beautiful you look?

Can I kiss you, Sophie?

Classified dates can be uptight about times.

Cool.

Couldn't we... close... the door?

Daddy's gone again.

Did you want to give me something?

Do I look like a man who goes to wicked parties? Ask Toni.

Do you have to? We're trying to play a game.

Do you think I like this job? Do you think I like spending all night

Do you think... Would you mind taking the shopping?

Do you? Follow the fingers...

Do you... like Indonesian food?

Doesn't love you. He doesn't even like you.

Don't be ridiculous, they're for wiping up mess.

Don't be scared.

Don't poke my eyes! Don't poke my eyes!

Don't screw things up.

Done it.

Dr Runciman's on call. I'm the practice nurse.

Enya before

Er, I don't know...

Er, Jesus, I'm kidding.

Er, Jez.

Er, no, it's...

Er, Sophie, could I have a quick word?

Er, thanks.

Er, well, all right. I guess. If you really want me to.

Er, well, thanks.

Er, whatever. I just want to rewind this bit.

Er, yeah.

Er, yeah.

Er, yeah.

Er...

Er... frozen stuff.

Er... I mean...

Erm, do you want me to give you blowback?

Erm, Thai, I quite like...

Even though I'd never particularly been into, say...

Everyone's going to the pub. You want to...?

Everyone's going to the pub. You want to...?

Everything was a bit "whoosh!" and I'd rather it was "dum de dum de dum".

Except maybe one thing could.

Fancy a refill?

Fine. Can't you get it into your closed off little mind that I don't give a flying fuck?

Football, ciggies.

For crimes against being an old fucker.

Fourth pressing, that's a party in your mouth!

Games, snacks, fires, man, woman, love.

Go on. I might be dead in a week.

Go. But I really feel that tonight, I need someone to...

God, that is so fucking weird!

Good night, Jeremy.

Good to see you, Uncle Ray. What you been up to?

Good, because I'm having a great time too.

Great!

Great. So I was just wondering how you ended up coming out with... Jeff?

Has it...?

Have it away with my girlfriend.

Have you got everything you need? Do you want the hall light left on?

He asked you. Of course.

He doesn't care about the shoes!

He dumped me.

He gets the test results on Monday.

He never did, of course, but... wow.

He said he's only snogging you for a joke.

He single handedly created WOMAD.

He was gonna make me a bow and arrow that could go through a dustbin.

He was great, wasn't he? Moments like this make you realise how short life is.

He'll change his tune when I'm in charge of the morphine.

He'll have people calling him night and day, probably sick of it.

He's a total wanker, actually.

He's been under a lot of stress recently.

He's delirious, the bottle was empty.

He's in the hospice so I guess he's being looked after.

He's opened his eyes. Jez, we're right here, Jez.

He's six foot, he loves movies and walks, and we totally clicked on the phone.

Here you go.

Hey, gutter boy, you are allowed to hit the pins!

Hey, Jez! I just wanted to tell you, we're going.

Hey, Jez! I've got news!

Hey, maybe I could bring someone along?

Hey, spread 'em!

Hey! You got Findus Crispy Pancakes I love them!

Hope you sleep OK.

Hospice? You... Jez, you know what a hospice is, don't you?

How about you?

How dare she criticise Peter Gabriel.

How do you feel about row G?

How many pills did you take, Jeremy?

How much pain can I experience at home with spaghetti carbonara and Das Boot?

I admit it, I was joking. I was lying just then, not before.

I always go for the first pressing.

I am having a just great time.

I am scared.

I believe true love waits.

I can do who I want, when I want, where I want and I will, OK?!

I can't believe it, I'm on a double date with guys from the office.

I can't stop hanging on for you because I never started.

I can't...

I did, actually, but she said no.

I didn't take an overdose. Put away the hardware.

I didn't want to disturb them.

I divided them into three piles yours, mine and don't knows.

I do the joint shopping solo because I don't make impulse purchases and...

I don't think I've ever seen a ball that slippery.

I don't think the plastic can take the strain.

I don't waste my life looking for a man to fill a dad shaped hole.

I feel... strange.

I found them in my suitcase

I gave you the choice Tom and Barbara being nice

I guess I just need some comfort.

I guess she just really likes Sledgehammer.

I had a headache. Has anyone got any Coke? My mouth's all...

I had a steward eat me at Dubai airport. God, that was depressing.

I hadn't thought you would be. See you later at home?

I haven't had my oats in something like... two weeks.

I intend to have an operation

I invite you here and you repay me by trying to...

I just feel so alone, you know?

I mean, I did actually ask you myself.

I mean, I wish... maybe the family could come together.

I mean, if I want an Xbox, why don't I just get an Xbox?

I mean, it's good that you, you know...

I mean, it's just a little night out. I'm a friend of her brother's.

I mean, it's not a date or anything because I've got a mega pass.

I mean, let's line up, two naked rows,

I mean, not great, just normal.

I mean, that's a shit song, right?

I mean, that's why... that's why I took the overdose.

I mean, we just met at a party

I mean, why wait until everyone else has had fun with the olives, right?

I might have it. They want me to go in for tests.

I need to ask you a straight up, man to man question about bollocks.

I need to prepare you for something.

I spent some time with Ray before he... went.

I strongly advise you to toke it.

I think I should see the doctor.

I thought afterwards, if you like, we could go somewhere.

I thought probably best to give him some peace and quiet.

I was ashamed. But I did it.

I was lying just then. Don't pump me! Don't pump me!

I, er, don't want them to, you know, thaw.

I... I can't...

I... Valerie and I, er...

I'll be fine. I've got to be strong for Jeremy.

I'm bowling, all right?! I'm bowling fruit!

I'm having great sex!

I'm not gonna do a poo, am I, Jez?

I'm on another level! I've gone beyond!

I'm sorry, I'll shut up.

I'm sure he'll be fine. He's not a quitter.

I'm sure Valerie doesn't want to talk about subjects.

I'm thinking a couple of packs of normal.

I'm... sorry. I'm really sorry. I thought they would just...

I've got this... thing.

I've got your number, mate. I've got you by the shoes.

I've left some stuff in the freezer compartment.

If you don't want your go, I'll attack Irkutsk.

If you tell me the problem, maybe I can deal with it.

Imagine how committed I'd be?

In those last weeks was only a product...

Is for you to come along on our weekend.

Isn't this great, that we can sit and have a drink together like adults?

It was a difficult catch, Mark. I wouldn't worry. And it's just softball.

It was just the... not breathing. You know.

It'll be such a laugh.

It's a brief candle.

It's a problem with...

It's a simple procedure. The scalpel just slips in at the back of the scrotum.

It's all broken. It's knackered.

It's been a long time for either of us.

It's good stuff, Mark.

It's important you remember how many you took.

It's like being on Friends.

It's like that, is it? That's how it's going to be?

It's perfectly natural to be scared.

It's positive.

It's your pants.

It's your pants.

Jeremy, are you not...?

Jeremy, it's your go, isn't it?

Jeremy, look, I'm flattered but I'm here with Mark.

Jeremy, this is a hot one.

Jeremy's a musician.

Jesus, Jeremy. Jesus.

Jesus, Valerie, w what?!

Jesus, what was all that about?

Jez must've gone for a walk. Thank God.

Jez tells me you worked on the force.

Jez, the faces, the faces.

Just like, be honest about it.

Just say if you didn't like it!

Knobblies are a bit of a con.

Let's have a look at the little fellows.

Like a hospital but nicer.

Like... science or... the stock market.

Listen, let's talk more back at my place, yeah?

Look, are you sure this is OK? You know, isn't Tony gonna mind?

Look, I'm having a nice time. Leave it, OK?

Look, it's Friday night, most people don't do their shopping now,

Look, Jeremy, death happens, people die. Move on.

Look, people will think we spend the whole time wanking.

Look, we've been through this before,

Look, what I'm trying to say is that, if I was dying, and I decided that

Look... Don't go! Soph, you should stay and bowl.

Mark Corrigan?

Mark, stop boasting and get some johnnies.

Mark, they're going home to bone, yeah?

Mark! I'm not shopping, I just came to tell you

Maybe a couple of fruities for a laugh.

Maybe a foundation. The Ray Foundation,

Me and Soph, we were just having a chat,

Me too.

Me, you and Valerie are going to the Lazer Bowl?

Might you be free on Friday?

Mm

Mostly I've been lying in bed taking painkillers.

Mostly they just eat me wine gums...

Mum rang to say that my Uncle Ray is a bit ill.

Must be hell trying to cope with all this.

My brother is such a dickhead. I wish he was dead.

My dad died when I was three but it didn't screw me up.

My problems are nothing compared to...

My sister, who's a smackhead, I ended up there for Christmas dinner

Nice bowling.

Nice, yeah.

No need to look like you're sittin' on a brush, man, we're only razzin' ya.

No problem, I'll be fine on the sofa.

No, he won't quit. Do you know what I fancy now? Some Good Life.

No, I'd be honoured. If you want a friend to go, then...

No, it's "eat as much as you like".

No, no, not friend. No. As a kind of... date.

No, thank you.

No. No more than usual.

No. To be honest, I'm scared.

Not a problem.

Not that I've got anything against your... kind.

Not that something might not, some day...

Nothing means anything. It's all just shit!

Now, I know, Liz, there's no proof for Jesus,

Now, in the humanist ceremony at this point,

Now, listen, mate,

Now, whilst no one would suggest that the faith Ray claimed to find

Of course not. Look, everything's going brilliantly.

Oh dear.

Oh, erm... I'm not really into them

Oh, fine. Kind of weird.

Oh, go on. This could be the last time I do it.

Oh, God, Jeremy, this is the best!

Oh, God, this is great!

Oh, God.

Oh, I think I can manage that.

Oh, I'm not in the game. If I can get my shopping home intact I'll be happy.

Oh, just... Nothing.

Oh, man, I'm... But listen, this is the perfect time to get back in the game.

Oh, Mark, come on, man, let it go.

Oh, Mark, listen, I'm sorry, I'd love to but, er...

Oh, my God. Oh, my God, oh, my God.

Oh, no, mate,

Oh, no, no. Not at all.

Oh, right. Erm, well, I suppose, well, he asked me.

Oh, were you? Were you?

Oh, yeah, yeah, fine. Er...

Oh, yeah.

Oh, you can take your religious texts with you.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh. Pleased to meet you.

Oh. Right.

Oh. That was nice.

OK, g... great. See you.

OK, I will. Bye.

OK, if you two step to one side, I'm gonna do a stomach pump.

OK, Jez, mate. I think that's about it.

OK, so, what's everyone's favourite record?

OK, well, I'll see you.

OK, well, thanks for calling, Mum.

OK, well, that's just... I guess...

OK.

Once they get the stuff out we can have a tournament.

One of my brother's favourites.

One step forward, two steps back that's the key.

Or for something.

Or Gloria and Mitzy being nasty.

Or maybe...

Or reflection about my brother, to speak up.

Penis?

People can be so funny when it comes to illness, can't they?

Pills? Just the one.

Plus it was so cold and wet and boring in the outfield.

Probably not.

Ray? No. No.

Rediscovered that little guy with the crown of thorns and the big old heart.

Right, yeah.

Right.

Right.

Right. Cool.

Right. One minute we're alive, the next we're dead.

Right. So what's your favourite subject?

Scorpio Patrol, Real Life Behind Enemy Lines.

See you... not around but here.

Shall I... turn over?

She's at college actually.

Shit, I don't even know which day the binmen come.

Shit, they're in the bathroom.

So do you guys get pissed at the Christmas party

So have you worked here long?

So he was all, you want a piece of the action?

So I, er... I got the test results.

So Jeremy, I'm going to turn in.

So must be nice getting a bit of support from your police mates.

So the way I see it has there ever been a better time

So who are you trying to bone tonight?

So who exactly is winning, eh?

So you work in an office and you've got, like, your computer and your desk...

So, girls, what's the weirdest place you've ever...

So, have you had a good time on your... date?

So, old seat sniffer didn't sniff any of the seats or anything, did he?

So, Ray,

So, safe party, yeah?

So, this is nice. Kind of weird but...

So, Valerie, you still at school or what?

Something positive's got to come out of all this.

Something.

Sometimes we're so wrapped up in the nonsense of life.

Soph, I was... wondering.

Sophie! Soph! Something awful has happened.

Sophie?

Sophie...

Super safe!

Sure, open your mouth and breathe in when I click my fingers.

Sure. Great. Erm, er, if that's OK, I'm invited?

Sure. It's like after Tony left, I thought, "This is it, everything's over. "

Taking! The Gaggia!

Testisticles.

Tests? Jesus, mate. Fuck.

Thanks for letting me stay. My sister's in my room and...

Thanks, Keith.

Thanks. Thank you.

That is so true.

That makes two of us having a great time.

That Ray, by the end, he loved Jesus.

That we've been invited to a very wicked party.

That would be the natural reaction.

That's a bit much. Just pretend you need his bone marrow. That's agony.

That's a rumour that isn't appropriate for you to...

That's a very attractive system you're proposing.

That's fine, that's fine.

That's kind of you, quite the gentleman.

That's not going to happen.

That's right, Mark. 30 years.

That's the beauty. No invites at a funeral.

The bottle was full, I... I took the whole lot.

The dregs get the dregs and we can get it over with.

The force. You can trust the force, can't you?

The hospital called. What Ray died of, Boden Georgeson syndrome,

The idea of getting caught turns me on!

The thing is, he's not definitely dying.

The thing is, he's not definitely dying.

The work gang? I don't think so. Mind if I get changed?

Then I think it would be a bit bloody rich for my sister

There are all these people singing and dancing but never me.

There's no competitive element implied.

They're for men men's noses, big manly snot.

They're just so... disgusting, aren't they?

Things are looking positive. He's investigating the key to all spiritualities.

This is great, isn't it?

This is it, mate. We're having it.

This is not the rehearsal.

This is so... it.

Three months?

Three to six.

To a cottage with a bed for the weekend.

To ban all mention of Enya from my funeral.

To save up for a very comfortable sofa?

To us.

Toni, listen, nothing could make me feel better about Ray's death.

Tony lost his licence to mind when he went off with a scrubber called Lindsay!

Trying to prise shopping out of our frankly antiquated system?

Uh huh, yeah. Me too.

Uh huh.

Uh huh.

Uh huh. Well, have a good time, mate.

Um... er... I don't know.

Uncle Ray.

Used to like a lot of things.

Valerie, how about you?

Valerie, I I was thinking...

Wah hoo!

Was he behaving strangely before the overdose?

Watch me bowl, Jeff.

We could campaign against...

We like to encourage anyone who wants to share a thought or memory

We're all gonna end up in the cold, deep ground, and that's all there is. OK?

We're gonna head off, but... I can vouch for him so could you put it on my card?

We've got to get out there, grooving, doing it, you know?

We've got to work together as a team.

Well, actually, things have been a bit tough.

Well, fine. I'm off for a shower.

Well, he did... I didn't tell you this. He did make a pass at me.

Well, here's the headlines, buddy!

Well, I have to say, probably not, mate.

Well, yeah.

Well, you know, it's just a bit of fun.

Well, you know. So, er, Valerie seems nice.

What do you know about my shoes?

What if you want to get Sophie home and get her all lathered up?

What, here?

What?

What?

What? Er, no... Actually...

What? It's "eat as much as you can," you know.

What's her problem? I've never heard of Level 42 either.

What's that all about? Why wait until everyone else has had their fun...

Where's more Good Life?

Whoa, shit!

Why do you have to have a huge can of lager that makes you really drunk?

Why does death happen?

Why does it happen?

Why does it have to happen?

Why don't we have a toast?

Why not go to the Lazer Bowl with the kid next door?

Why?

With her little "screw me" haircut, and all so nee nee nee ee.

With my...

With pictures of Enya and lots and lots of mentions of... Enya,

Work things up into a bit of a lather, yeah? Follow my lead.

Wow!

Yeah, I guess it just came from in here.

Yeah, I will. But, Sophie, before I do,

Yeah, I, er, play the keyboard.

Yeah, it was the last one.

Yeah, Jeff did do that actually.

Yeah, just a bit of fun.

Yeah, man mess. That's why they're mansize.

Yeah, me and Valerie. We were gonna kill her brother

Yeah, Mum said he was... what you said.

Yeah, no, this is perfect, cos I'll just say,

Yeah, right, obviously, no.

Yeah, right.

Yeah, so I was... The sofa, it's a bit...

Yeah, sure. So who's best in S Club?

Yeah, that's really...

Yeah, that's the one upside of this whole thing.

Yeah, this is great.

Yeah, we're great, aren't we?

Yeah, well, you know, everything's decaying,

Yeah, whatever.

Yeah, you know what you're getting with Pizza Hut.

Yeah?

Yeah?

Yeah? Oh, I kind of had plans.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah. I was feeling desperate.

Yeah. Maybe some Newsnight or something.

Yep.

Yes, well, I was already... and I didn't say anything because...

You always fancied one of those keyboards you hold like a guitar.

You are the daddy!

You can be as loud as you like!

You don't have to. I just thought it might be nice if...

You don't wait until everyone else has had fun with the olives.

You know? Two guys, together, out, looking for... it.

You know...

You realise tinned food is just for crackheads and wars?

You think he'd be more grateful.

You will when I take Asia.

You'd better go.

You'll have to do something special to catch me up, mate.

You're drunk, Jeremy. Try and get some sleep.

You've got a large hydrocele.

You've narrowed it down to one lane anyway.

'? Sail away, sail away...? ' Are you going to give him a call?

'... inside... ' You should call him.

'Fuck. Italian, wine. ' Sophie liked it, anyway.

'Maybe he doesn't want to come. ' No point, it's all bullshit.

'Oh, God. ' Hey! Love the suit!

'Why didn't I ask her? ' Loved it, actually.

A talk? Oh. Mark...

And she'll be, like, "Hell, yeah!" You think so?

Any change for the johnny machine? What? You...

Are you finishing with me? We weren't ever really...

Are you getting visuals? What if I lose it?

Blimey. Blimey? What's blimey?

But... You have a good night now.

Buy a juicer. Right. But Toni...

Can I get you anything? No, I'm OK.

Can I have a jam doughnut? Er, yeah, sure.

Does that feel painful? No, no. That feels great.

for Christians and coppers. That's a nice idea.

For the funeral? The funeral?

Fuck your shoes. Come on, he's said he's sorry.

He's not even definitely ill. You're probably right.

Here's to God! To God.

Hey, Soph. Hey, Mark, how's it going?

Hi, Mark Hi, Sophie, er...

How's it going? Good, thanks, and you two?

I don't think girlfriend's quite... I've been feeling very low.

I guess. I'll call Toni.

I mean, it's so outdated. Exactly!

I'm here with Mark. Mark...

I've been with Jeff. Jeff?!

I've got something for you. Don't do that.

In private. Sure, I mean, this is private.

Is he OK? I don't know.

Is that all it takes? It certainly helps.

it's hereditary. What? Y You're kidding.

It's not? No. Mark, we need to have a talk.

Jeff's a nice guy. Who should've...

Jeremy's uncle passed away yesterday. Oh, no.

Look, don't be scared. I am scared.

Mark! Hey, Jeremy.

Mark? Yeah?

Mark... No, right, sure. Of course.

Maybe I'II... You're not going anywhere.

Mm hm. I've got to close the deal,

Mm. Yeah. So how was your day?

My ex used to love that. Well, yeah.

No one was coming. That's not the point.

No, are you OK? Yeah.

Oh, Jez. Are you OK?

Oh, shit, did you...? Mm hm.

Oh, that is difficult. Is he OK? Yeah, bearing up.

Oh! Oh! Yeah, yeah.

Ray's dead. Oh, man, I'm sorry.

See you in the bed... room, Soph. Yeah, sure.

She's nothing. Oh, right.

Sixth form college. That's the old college.

So have I. Sophie's coming away with me

So how can I help? Oh, it was just...

So if you'd feel happier, I... OK, trousers down, hop on the couch,

Sorry about that. Listen... So, fourth pressing, fifth pressing...

Stay there, don't go away. I'm not going anywhere.

Thank you, Mark. Can...

That was before everyone else did. You were something of a trendsetter.

The cappuccino machine? You're never!

Then I'll have the Bhundu Boys album. Bollocks you are!

they're out right now. Right. No queues.

This is Valerie. Hi.

this stuff's 78 pence a 100ml. Yeah, it's first pressing.

To the Lazer Bowl. The Lazer Bowl?

To us. To us.

Tonight? Yeah, I thought...

up there? Ah, yes.

Well, excuse me! Jez, I didn't... I didn't mean.

What about a threes up? Jeremy, Mark's...

What about the carving on his arm? That's just Biro.

What do you think? He seems a bit on edge.

What the fuck? Soph, it's only me.

What? He...

What? But you... I couldn't admit it.

What's going on? You're in safe hands now, Jez.

Won't there be a wake? Somewhere like the wake.

Yeah, that was nice. 'Thank you, Ray! Thank you, Ray! '

Yeah? Is it serious? Dunno.

Yeah. 'What's this?

Yeah. 'You're losing her. '

You are? In some bowling alleys it's encouraged.

You havin' a good night? Er, yeah, yeah.

You'd never even heard of them. That is such shit.

You're having a good time. Yeah.

? From the deep sea...?

? From the north to the south Ebudae into Khartoum

? Marching as to war...?

? Onward Christian soldiers

? Sail away, sail away, sail away

? Sail away, sail away, sail away

? Sail away, sail away, sail away

? Sail away, sail away, sail away

? We are the mods ? We are the mods

? We are, we are, we are the mods?

' Oh, poor Ray.

'A fellow migraine sufferer.

'Abandon self cherishing, love only others.

'Actually, she'd look pretty horny as Batman. Jesus, no, don't! '

'Ah, the simple pleasures. Oh. '

'All right, how about I go a little Oscar Wilde on your ass? '

'and have lots of sex and agree with her about everything? '

'And I know most of it from The Omen. '

'And sexy. '

'And what? She fucks you? No, she says "whoops" and goes out.

'Anyone would say she's an attractive woman.

'apologise, and then we can move on.

'Are you allowed to say when it hurts? '

'as soon as this is over. '

'But that's so fraught with potential problems. '

'Come on, clock's ticking, got to raise my game.

'Come on, say something. Something not about dying. Something inspiring. '

'Come on.

'Couldn't even be bothered to go to bed. It's pathetic.

'Did she say johnnies plural?

'Doctor Runciman has seen this a thousand times.

'Doesn't matter if you're single or in a couple,

'Don't answer in English, just brave it out. '

'Don't complain! '

'Don't have to do them all, just till you find something to hold on to.

'Don't let him know he's got to you. Play it cool. Play it suave. '

'Don't think about it. If you don't think about it, it won't happen.

'Everyone at this party isn't as young, fit and single as they make out.

'Find out the Hindus and the Hindon'ts.

'First fuck is damage limitation.

'For the worst thing that could possibly happen this is going extremely well. '

'Forgive me, Peter. '

'God, he really wants me to come. '

'God, hope she doesn't start crying again.

'God, she must be loving this. I feel so cheap.

'God. You think you're in, then the smiting, plagues and pestilence starts.

'Good old Bible. Bit "dribble not the ass's milk on Tuesday. "

'Got to be quick. Don't want to have to get her all worked up again.

'Got to... before she...

'Guys, I'm so sorry. '

'H Hey! That's a foul! Fuck!

'Ha! I win! '

'He's in there,

'Hey, 330/0 extra free. I am doing excellent shopping.

'Hey, I'm feeling bad. Why not get some nooky out of it? '

'Hey, yeah. OK. The sympathy vote. '

'Hinduism? That's got a nice vibe.

'Hope she doesn't think I'm some sort of superman. '

'How can she be this heartless to someone who's as upset as I say I am?

'I am gonna feel so low

'I bet he gets sex tonight and I have to listen to it through the wall.

'I bet he's totally sorting this whole night for us right now. '

'I bet Sophie and Jeff are doing a lot of talking now.

'I can't believe it.

'I can't do it. It's too much. I'm not American. I can't... date.

'I could go to that place Super Hans says is a knocking shop.

'I could say we've got huge cocks might be the clincher. '

'I didn't realise he was this terrified of sex. '

'I mean, we've got a connection. This is not wrong.

'I never planted my seed. My loins are like dried buckwheat.

'I really thought we had something. '

'I'll say miracle drug cure. Maybe she'll give me another one as congratulations.

'I'm bursting! This is why you should stick to the little cans.

'I'm glad we stopped going to Liz's for Christmas.

'I'm gonna blow this gaff wide open. '

'I'm having sex with a teenage girl!

'I'm on a date with a teenage goth, smoking pot in the Lazer Bowl toilets.

'I've been initiated. I am a drug user. Fuck the police! '

'I've got to take Jeremy's advice more often.

'If I can get the first one over without major embarrassment.

'in that cardboard box.

'In, out, as much pleasure as I can give her,

'Is she going for...? I'm not ready, there's no action down there. '

'Islam. Not really such a fashionable religion.

'It must have been taken shortly before he died. '

'It's just two guys, one with his hand on the other guy's balls. '

'It's not a date but it is.

'It's not fair. '

'It's perfect. Big social occasion but no invites.

'Jesus, look at him. What a disaster. '

'Jesus, that wasn't very friendly. At least I came. '

'Jez is so great. He's like an idiot savant but not so stupid.

'Just drink myself to death.

'Just try and memorise it for later.

'Knew this would pay off. Talking's bullshit.

'Let's face it, we're all falling apart piece by piece.

'Lf not, bang a tab and get a massage. '

'Life's all pain. Pain, rejection and gloom.

'look at a wonderful painting... '

'Maybe I am as upset as I say I am, it's just coming out weird. '

'Maybe I can just really get into Peter Gabriel and go mental and marry her

'Maybe Jeff's bought loads of booze so Sophie's too pissed to mind.

'Maybe she might go to the bathroom and accidentally come into my room.

'Maybe she's a...

'Maybe this is good?

'Maybe this kind of... turns me on? '

'Maybe we're... Oh, God, no, no.

'Mm, doing it with a sexy neighbour.

'Mm, this could be nice, a nice, lovely neck rub.

'My cock's gone right down. Fuck. '

'My depression means I'm being even more frugal than normal. '

'My stomach's in my mouth and I think, "This isn't good. "'

'Neck? Yeah, neck. Oh.

'Nine months and 13 days. '

'No one can stop me doing that.

'No. Don't be dead, mate.

'No. No, no, no, no, no. '

'Oh, come on, someone get the carving knife and let's get it over with. '

'Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck. Don't be dead, mate! Please don't be dead!

'Oh, God, I'm never gonna be able to go now.

'Oh, God, I'm never gonna have a woman again in my life.

'Oh, God, please stop talking about Peter Gabriel. '

'Oh, how much can a man take? '

'Oh, how much can a man take? '

'Oh, I hope I don't... No leaping to attention, Captain Corrigan.

'Oh, my God, I knew it. Olive oil talk. Wicked! '

'Oh, my God, it's the last days of Rome! '

'Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. '

'Oh, my God. She's taking off her top.

'Oh, my God. Umm...

'Oh, no, shit. It's not perfect, it's cracked. Piss. '

'Oh, what I really want's a woman.

'Oh, wow. Oh, yeah.

'Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, she is so...

'Oh... Shit.

'OK, playing it cool, huh?

'OK, stay focused.

'OK, there's a new guy in town. Probably just a friend.

'OK, well, I'm here so I'll just sit here and drink.

'Olive oil is an acceptable topic. '

'One of the less common skin ailments. Yeast infection.

'Ooh, this is nice. How weird are they?

'Or I could finish the last of that skunk,

'Ow! She's squeezing my...

'Ow! That... Why is she sucking it? Maybe she's practising for my...

'Please say no, please say no. '

'Pretend you've finished. '

'Reagan or Batman or...

'Restaurant on a barge? I might as well propose.

'Right. '

'She can really talk, probably boring him about the Celestine Prophecy.

'She does look kind of great in my pyjamas.

'She hasn't said anything about my nuts.

'She hates fruit. Except pears. If there's pear flavour I'm fucked. '

'She looks like she hates me. '

'She should have to wear a mask.

'She's a teenager, Mark. You'll get castrated by the menfolk.

'She's loving this. What a stitch up. '

'She's not gonna do it. They won't do it. '

'She's snogging him already. The dream is over, I am detritus. '

'She's strangling me! She's trying to kill me! '

'She's too young to know how weird they are.

'Shit, I can't believe it. '

'Shit, no. Oh, God, no. In front of...

'Shit! This just gets better and better. '

'sit on Big Suze's dildo and wank myself dry.

'Someone here's got psoriasis.

'Sophie wouldn't, not with the seat sniffer.

'Stop doing this to yourself. '

'Straight to Frenching. This is so easy.

'Tenko. That was probably the last straw.

'That didn't sound good. '

'That's cooled things off, a regular bucket of water. '

'That's nice. Ray's such a nice guy.

'That's sick. Why is that sick? '

'The apple is ripe, the cross hairs are centralised. '

'The pub. That's the English way. '

'They're gonna use me for a sex game and then burn me in the bath. '

'Think witty. Charming and witty.

'This is it. All systems are go.

'This is it. This is literally it.

'This is meant to be my visit. He's hijacking my visit. '

'This is pretty low. Milking Uncle Ray to get a...

'This is some sort of test. Like The Great Escape.

'This is very promising. Or is it...?

'This is what people do when they're having a good time. '

'This should be in the bag. Why isn't this in the bag?

'Thrush if you're thinking glamorous, athlete's foot if you're not.

'Try and read a poem, listen to inspiring music,

'Waterfalls... nothing.

'We're only bloody friends! '

'Well done, Jez, old mate. You did him proud.

'What a shame everything he believes is total rubbish. '

'What about my abnormal knackers?

'What about my massive, freakish balls? Don't get ahead of yourself. '

'What I really need is a good, long look at another man's bollocks.

'What if it all goes right, though?

'What's her problem? This is the 21 st century.

'What's...? Oh, my God. He's...

'Where am I? Put your tongue out and see.

'Where did they get this guy? This is a freak show.

'Whoo hoo ho ho. Ha ha! You can do that again. Oh, yeah. '

'Why am I even here? Why is she here? '

'Why can't I go? '

'Why do we pretend there's not a yawning blankness at the heart of...

'Words... coming. '

'Would she do this if she fancied me?

'Wow. Fuck you, lord of death, I'm still full of piss and vinegar.

'Yeah, well, Mr Dalai Lama,

'Yeah. Me, her and her friend. Kind of nice really.

'you... are... going... to... die. '

'you've got to be a suck up if you haven't got your own country.

"'Thanks for the Fairtrade nuts, Auntie. "

"'Yeah, I did this. I go there. "

"and Squarehead fired off a round of monkey puzzler,

"As Jonno let rip with the stolen Kalashnikov

"Hey, me, Mark and Valerie are off down the Lazer Bowl, do you wanna come?"

"I didn't stop to think about it long. We all get slotted sometime. "

"I looked at the towel head I'd slotted... "