Please Like Me - Season 1 Edit

A headache?

A homosexual man is 30 times more likely to get AIDS.

A little joke.

A lot.

A tiny version of you terrified that a...

About Rod and the... you know, the bloody bedroom thing.

About what we're gonna do.

Actually, I don't think I'm gonna eat.

Actually, Peg used to swear in church all the time.

Actually, there's no way of telling who had it, so...

Ah, bugger!

Ah, hi. We're all done for the day, so I'll call you later and tell you how it went.

Ah, maybe you could try smiling.

Ah, no, no, I didn't.

Ah, no! I thought I was pregnant.

Ah, no. No.

Ah, Peg, I don't think you can stop here.

Ah, Rose, there's no way. There's just no way.

Ah, so how did you find out that you're not?

Ah. It's still nice of you both to dress up for me.

Alan, I promise you,

Alan, I wouldn't go taking advice from someone with that haircut

Alan! Alan, can you come here, please?

Alright, Alan. Now, I am going into the kitchen to do some tidying up.

Alright, Alan. Now, I am going into the kitchen to do some tidying up.

Alright, fine.

Alright, let's get this stuff to your room and wake up your mother.

Alright.

Alright.

Also, I cut myself shaving, and you won't shut up about giraffes,

Also, I quite enjoyed the morning tea.

Also, uh, Claire and I broke up.

Also...

Although I did date a racist once too, so I don't know.

Always thought that he was gay.

Am I allowed to say "pansy"?

Am I mental?

Am I really doing this badly at life that you think I have bonus chromosomes?

Amazing.

And don't be mean about it either, please.

And he gave me 20 cents to buy a choc dip cone

And he's so... um...

And his mum told you that if you do that,

And I don't know how to put the goddamn picture there.

And I happened to be googling giraffes again today

And I have to tell someone about this stuff.

And I love him.

And I really don't think this is the way for her to find out.

And I really think I could date a disabled person.

And I want to give you all of me, the best parts and the worst.

And I was just worried that one wouldn't be enough,

And I would like to believe that one day

And if I have to be stuck here with you, we're going to have some fun.

And if it isn't what God would want, then... then he, or she, can...

And if none of it had have happened, then...

And if you consider a magnet...

And is probably worth more money than you, pal.

And it's not a phase?

And it's not really my thing, so I thought I may as well give it to you.

And it's supposed to make me look weird?

And Josh has decided to become a homosexual,

And not to your car.

And now roll it in nice and slow.

And now Rose is going to say a few personal words about her aunt.

And she came all the way out here for you?

And she just genuinely likes Dad, which is quite hard to believe.

And she was dressed like a slapper, so I had to wait for her to get changed.

And she's Christian, and I'm sorry

And that is that you don't love the people you love

And that's not bad, you know,

And that's your... that's your headline?

And the more I learn, the less I like.

And the other time was drunk and it didn't mean anything.

And the terrible thing about that is that I won't be sharing my life

And then got disappointed and put them back in the charity bin.

And then I bled actual blood into his actual mouth.

And then I regretted it so I vomited it up on purpose.

And then I vomited up a little bit by accident.

And then I'm there.

And then just be together and it'll be great,

And then one day, you order a $19 sundae and it's finished.

And then they ended up with... you.

And then you have to spend the next 18 years pretending to love it.

And there's plenty of food. I made sandwiches. Does she like sandwiches?

And they're not horrible.

And this is as good as my face is ever going to get.

And watch Japanese manga with these two, so...

And we're just ignoring the fact that Geoffrey's a man?

And what better gift to give him than that

And what's happening is that I'm sucking your penis?

And why would that freaking jerk

And you are looking at girls?

And you can, like, find someone else if you want.

And you do have some of the symptoms.

And you know what, she speaks six languages

And you look like, ugh, that.

And you shouldn't have to live with me either, Josh. I...

And you were naked in the backyard at your friend's house

And you won't have time if you're gonna make the game.

And you wouldn't kiss me because your aunt was there.

And you'll be too dead to help me?

And you're here having a dinner party.

And you're my best friend.

And you're punished for it.

And you're quite effeminate.

And your uncle only pretended to like them because you liked them.

And, also, it's just so boring.

And, certainly, it was a disappointment.

And, um...

And... and Mum's proud too. She probably doesn't say it, but...

And... if they do see you, they're probably mental too, so that's nice.

Any electrician will tell you you can't get power

Any time.

Anyway, I just... I really can't wait for him to get rid of Niamh.

Anyway, I'd best be off

Anyway, I've decided I'm not angry about it.

Anyway... you've got Rod!

Apparently if you're old,

Apparently Peg wanted us to wear happy clothes, but I didn't know either.

Apparently, she can't be alone, and I'm all she's got.

Are we ok? Is this ok?

Are we...

Are you a little bit surprised that your sperm actually works?

Are you absolutely certain if I don't call an ambulance, you won't die?

Are you crying?

Are you eating my Pop Rocks?

Are you gonna make out with other people?

Are you gonna open the goddamn car

Are you ignoring us, sweetheart, huh?

Are you Josh's ex girlfriend?

Are you listening to us?

Are you moving to Thailand? Are you telling me you're moving to Thailand?

Are you ok, Josh, mate?

Are you ok?

Are you ok? Are you ok?

Are you racist?

Are you saying you don't want to be friends?

Are you sure you don't have feelings

Are you tearing up a bit?

Are you trying to make me feel bad?

Aren't men jerks?

Arseholes!

At least I managed to put some underwear on before you got home.

At least if they're mediocre looking,

Aunty Peg could move in with her.

Be g****s, kiwifruit, a walnut?

Because he knows the name of the soft toy, but he's a dog.

Because he was just rubbing between me and the sheets.

Because I cut myself shaving,

Because I'm fine.

Because if they... if they are born that way, they...

Because the average marriage only lasts 8.7 years.

Because the only person I want to talk to is my best friend,

Because they do what you want, but because of who they are."

Because they'd be able to see it.

Because when I was in Grade 2 I had this Afghani friend

Because you brought it up, ok?

Because you told them that I gave you chlamydia.

Because you told them that I gave you chlamydia.

Because you're all, like, emotionally stunted, yeah?

Because your period was late?

Because, like, you know, you really like him and maybe he likes you and I just...

Because, well, you know, you're a little bit plain,

Because...

Best be off.

Between something happening and you telling me.

Big gate, big gate. No one's getting through that.

Boys. Boys.

Brendan, would you like a frozen cola?

Brendan, you know you're quite good looking, yeah?

Brilliant.

Brilliant. That's clever.

Bring her in!

Burying my mum was the hardest thing I've ever done in my life.

But after 60 years of Sunday mornings,

But all I can think about is my rubbish face and obsessing.

But he doesn't want me to tell you about it, ok?

But he's so nice, Josh.

But I didn't do it. I didn't know you could, otherwise I probably would have.

But I failed her.

But I thought, no, people would judge.

But I've really gotta go. I've gotta go.

But if you don't promise to come to church,

But it looks good there.

But like the moon in the darkest woods,

But no. I... I didn't...

But people can see their money any time.

But she just said she was too tired to want to see you.

But that's ok, you know. If you're not hungry. That's fine.

But the cups are so small,

But the doctor thinks we should put you in a mental home.

But the most obvious symptom is that your testicles do not develop in puberty.

But the muscles.

But then I'd have to see you there, once I get there.

But they're all I've got."

But turns out you're actually just a bitch.

But we... we were broken up at the time. The first time.

But when they're that pretty, I'm just like, "Oh!"

But you could do all the same sorts of things at my place as you do at Tom's.

But you dobbed me in to the cops, though, didn't you?

But you should definitely come, Alan.

But you think I'm a bad driver.

But you weren't just... Anyway. I don't know.

But you're so... handsome.

But, technically, he's not my grandson, but anyway, that's...

But, you see, you could bring Claire home to sleep over, if you want.

But...

But... "

But... but less graceful.

But... like, that's what it is?

But... when we do,

Bye, Aunty Peg.

Bye, Rose.

Bye.

Bye.

Call me back.

Call me!

Can I come to dinner?

Can I sleep over?

Can we give this... give us a better shot?

Can we just take this into another room?

Can we set it up now? Please?

Can you guys just maybe do me a favour and stop this fight for a bit, briefly?

Can you please be serious?

Can you please just pretend to be sensitive and caring about my feelings,

Can't help but notice that you took the fullest one,

Can't I just go out without telling you where I'm going?

Can't you just take someone else? I'll ruin the fun for you.

Carpe diem. Seize the day.

Centre half forward, right?

Claire is quite good looking.

Claire, have you got anything embarrassing to tell me about Josh?

Claire, this is, um... Geoffrey.

CLAIRE: Hey, Josh. Your dad called, and he told me what happened.

Claire! Hi.

Claire! What ya up to?

Claire.

Claire's in costume and she's embarrassed,

Come and sit down.

Come on, come on, come on.

Come on, I'll help you out.

Come on, it'll be fun. Yeah?

Come on, John.

Come on, Ma. You got to get up.

Come on, pal. Come on, fight me, eh!

Come on, show's over.

Come on, stop crying.

Come on, we're off.

Come on!

Come on. Show's over.

Come with me, please.

Coming out, to me, just seems so '90s, you know?

Coming.

Communication is the key. I've always found that.

Constantly, just constantly all the time how much he likes me.

Could you imagine how disgusting his penis would be?

Could you slice those up and put them on the trays for me? Thanks.

Crochet or something.

Dad, are you...

Dad, everybody hates people in cars like these.

Dad, I don't think the amount of sport you play as a child

Dad, I think she's right. I don't know if you've seen your face lately

Dad, she's mentally ill. She's not saving up for a Game Boy.

Dad, you know there's...

Dad, you're just too... big for it.

Dad?

Dad?

Decided that they didn't suit her

Deliver the paper. I think it's a good idea.

Did it ever try and eat your penis?

Did you even take a home test?

Did you guys know that Josh is gay?

Did you have fun? Did you have a good drive?

Did you like it?

Did you tell her that I have a girlfriend?

Didn't you cry in that documentary about the homeless choir?

Didn't... expect you to be here.

Different sized spoons don't fit together like this.

Do I? Do I really need to tell them?

Do it. You go!

Do they, Claire?

Do we just wait for me to stop bleeding?

Do you feel at all horrible that you didn't wait for him to leave before you called?

Do you have friends?

Do you know what I mean?

Do you know what I mean? But I can... see... you.

Do you know what I mean? I just don't get it.

Do you know where my orange cardigan is? I can't find my orange cardigan.

Do you mean you're deciding if you're gonna have an abortion?

Do you need a man who likes fish and chips?

Do you not... like me?

Do you see what I'm saying, Tom?

Do you think I should be ok with kissing boys in public?

Do you think it'll make her happy? It should make her happy, right?

Do you think she'd be uncomfortable if she knew I was here?

Do you think that he is going to want to put something in your bum?

Do you think that we should talk about sex with men?

Do you think you could date a disabled person?

Do you wanna go there?

Do you want to keep going? I'll give you this brochure.

Do you want to see him?

Do you want us to... do anything?

Do you, uh... do you prefer big spoon or little spoon?

Do you, um...

Does it mean that sometimes you'd pay for me to fly to Thailand?

Does sound pretty racist.

Does that work?

Does this mean I'm gonna have to move back in with her?

Does your mother know about this?

Don't drop it!

Don't go through any red lights.

Don't look at me.

Don't make me move back in with her. I couldn't bear it.

Don't really get the big spoon/little spoon thing.

Don't think this is such a big deal. It's not like I hadn't always known.

Don't worry about it? Kids are expensive.

Don't worry, mate. Mum's ok. She's ok.

Don't.

Don't. They'll put me in the loony bin.

Easier for me?

Eugh!

Eugh!

Even though that had meant he couldn't buy a choc dip Flake cone.

Even though they're doing way more than I ever could?

Even though you said you didn't want any water.

Even though you said you didn't want any water.

Even though you said you didn't want one.

Even though you would just ignore the fact that I've been a big jerk.

Everyone else is inside.

Everyone loves you.

Exactly. Exactly.

Faggot!

FATHER: Fuck, Josh! Fuck!

FATHER: Josh, it's your dad. Um..

FEMALE RECORDED VOICE: Message received at 8:09am.

FEMALE RECORDED VOICE: Received at 8:40am.

FEMALE RECORDED VOICE: Received at 9am.

FEMALE RECORDED VOICE: Received at 10:15am.

FEMALE RECORDED VOICE: Received at 11:13am.

Fight me like a man.

Fine.

Fine.

Fine. And they're tarts.

Five. Five girls.

For the first 60 years it was because I believed in heaven.

For you to be there. It's completely necessary, even.

For your mum. To get her out of the house.

From the other room before we leave.

From when you fingered your cousin?" but I couldn't do it.

Fuck you. Look, we should have separated years ago, Alan.

Gee whiz, it feels a hell of a lot better than dying at 30.

Geoffrey invited him.

Geoffrey keeps yelling things that I can't understand.

Geoffrey, have I seen that man's wang on the internet?

Geoffrey, I can't find the fifth one.

Geoffrey, I don't think you're allowed to say "faggot".

Geoffrey, I just...

Geoffrey, I was joking.

Geoffrey, I've decided I want to get involved. I'm ready.

Geoffrey!

Geoffrey!

Geoffrey? Geoffrey, do you think my testicles are big enough?

Geoffrey.

Geoffrey.

Geoffrey's doing everything.

Geoffrey's got something really nice planned for you.

Go fuck yourself, you skinny dick retard."

Go on.

Go on. There, use that.

Go, go, go!

Go, the Bombers.

Gonna... sell this house.

Good luck getting through one day without me.

Good luck.

Good, good, 'cause I'm just going to stay here

Good!

Good. Fine.

Good. Ok.

Gosh, dude, we... we don't have to put anything in your... in...

Got a headache at all?

Great, fine.

Guess I should get you a towel.

Guess what else.

Guys!

Ha!

Had to give my daughter a lift to a party

Has he got a girlfriend?

Have to eat those horrible pies all by ourselves.

Have you ever actually met Mum?

Have you got her doing things? She has to get up and do things.

Have you had an ok day?

Have you had an ok day?

Have you had anything to drink? Can you pick me up?

Have you invited your father? You should invite your father.

Haven't they got this already?

He did ejaculate on my thigh.

He didn't like them?

He drew a pornographic drawing of me sucking his penis.

He goes and gets it because he knows its name,

He going to stay here and he's going to want to see you and talk to you.

He has nothing to do with this!

He hides her from you. It's pretty ridiculous.

He is gay.

He is homosexual.

He leaves her at the corner store every time he comes to visit.

He made spaghetti. You love spaghetti.

He never left.

He really doesn't like surprises, Geoffrey.

He really is disgusting.

He says hi. Can't you just... get yourself home?

He used to come to the back door every morning.

He wants me to be his bitch. So...

He was always baking and dancing.

He was just there. Do you know what I mean?

He was really very... there.

He...

He's a bit upset!

He's a likeable guy. What a likeable chap.

He's all upset. He's a mess.

He's not doing anything today.

He's not wearing a shirt.

Hello, everyone.

Hello, Josh.

Hello, ma'am.

Hello, Tom.

Hello! Can I please have a mojito?

Hello.

Hello.

Hello. This is Niamh. I'm not available at the moment.

Her fur as dark as night.

Her spirit is my light.

Here we go. Come on.

Here we go. Mm mm! Workplace sexual harassment.

Here we go. Up you get.

Hey, Aunty Peg.

Hey, come on, just please let me drive. You're gonna get in trouble.

Hey, don't talk about your mother like that.

Hey, don't talk about your mother like that.

Hey, Geoffrey.

Hey, I forgot to tell you...

Hey, I'm so sorry about you and Josh.

Hey, I've been to Thailand.

Hey, it's Josh. I'll take you to bed. Come on.

Hey, Ma. Me and Geoffrey are going out to the football, alright?

Hey, Ma. Me and Geoffrey are going out to the football, alright?

Hey, Mum.

Hey, sweetheart.

Hey, um, just wondering when you're coming over today.

Hey, um, Mum, can I just call you back soon?

Hey, um... just wondering...

Hey! Hey, guys.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey. We're thinking about going out. To bars.

Hey. Yeah.

Hi, Aunty Peg!

Hi, babe.

Hi, Dad.

Hi, Geoffrey.

Hi, Josh. It's your dad

Hi, lovey.

Hi, Ma.

Hi, Peg. Yeah, we're just down the road.

Hi! Those are nice costumes.

Hi.

Hi.

Hi.

Hi.

Hi.

Hi.

Hi.

Hi.

Hi.

Hi.

Hi.

Hi.

Hi.

Hi.

Hi. The agent.

Hi. This is Geoffrey.

Hide your shame! Don't you ever knock, woman?

Hmm! Isn't that amazing?

Hold the handles, please.

Home wreckers.

Homophobic? Mate, it's my boyfriend. We're not gonna be homophobic.

Homosexual sex is dangerous and destructive to the human body.

Homosexuality is a sin.

Honestly, it's the best I've got to offer. Pop Rocks?

Honestly, we can just ignore my birthday.

Hoo!

Hope you don't mind. I brought a salad.

House looks great.

How are you getting to dinner tonight?

How are you?

How could anyone like them?

How could anyone talk to my dad for this long?

How could you do this to me?

How could you do this to me? When I was pregnant?

How did he talk you into this?

How did things go with Niamh?

How did you get kicked out of your poetry group?

How do you even drink half a bottle of Baileys?

How do you know? What are you comparing them to?

How do you think that makes me feel, dude?

How do you... how do you get it to go back?

How long are they taking?

How many girls have you made out with?

How much does it cost?

How to make a girl feel special!

How your tummy is feeling.

How'd it go?

How's Claire?

How's it going?

How's your chlamydia?

How's your mother?

How's your mum?

I am just going to keep driving past the party and take you home.

I am moving back home.

I am pretty hungry.

I am relaxed.

I am sitting a metre away from you, talking to my parents,

I am velly solly, sir, for speaking out of turn, sir.

I believe you. It's fine.

I booked catering.

I broke up with Geoffrey.

I can do it. I will do it. Tonight.

I can never really trust when someone that good looking is into me.

I can sort of appreciate why their standards are so low.

I can talk about gay things. It's fine.

I can't be her carer.

I can't believe Uncle Walter didn't like Steps.

I can't do it.

I can't find the fifth one.

I can't stand this. Show it to me. Show it to me.

I can't stay here.

I can't.

I can't.

I can't.

I can't. I'm at a costume party and I didn't bring any other clothes.

I can't. It might be my mum.

I care. Niamh, I care.

I dated an Asian once.

I did at my granddad's funeral.

I didn't ask her where she was planning on meeting the men.

I didn't mean to, I promise. Honestly, he just...

I didn't play enough sport with you when you were a kid.

I didn't want to give it to you at the funeral. I didn't want to distract you.

I didn't want to leave you alone.

I do leave the house. I left the house today.

I do stick up for you.

I don't care what comes with that.

I don't even know how to care for myself.

I don't even want to waste energy talking to you about it.

I don't have to stick around if it's making you uncomfortable.

I don't know how to do caring

I don't know know why you aren't hearing me when I say it is ok.

I don't know why I only have blue jumpers.

I don't know why you lie to me. You get my little hopes up.

I don't know why you wouldn't just tell me.

I don't know yet. But Mae wants to move back.

I don't know your personal situation, but, no, that doesn't sound ideal.

I don't know, half an hour?

I don't know.

I don't know.

I don't know.

I don't know.

I don't know.

I don't know.

I don't know.

I don't know. He's just... he's just always so there.

I don't know. I guess he thinks it'll upset you, you know?

I don't know. I guess you should have a shower.

I don't know. I just kind of faked a crying face and then it became real.

I don't know. I was gonna go out tonight as well.

I don't like it. I don't like all those people looking. It's icky.

I don't like soy!

I don't like thinking about it. Nuh uh. No way.

I don't love Steps!

I don't mind. I'm comfortable with it. It's ok. It's fine.

I don't really know why you weren't wearing any pants.

I don't think anybody thinks that anyone is... hitting on Tom.

I don't think I believe in heaven anymore,

I don't think I could. But...

I don't think I've ever heard Geoffrey say anything interesting.

I don't think I've ever heard your dad say anything interesting.

I don't think knitting is gonna make her less depressed.

I don't think Mum actually likes her.

I don't think she's crying, ok. She broke up with me.

I don't think so, but that's...

I don't think so.

I don't understand it. Why would you do it on the same day that we break up?

I don't understand. Is this...

I don't want him to suck my penis.

I don't want to miss a single second of this experience.

I don't want to put anything in my bum.

I don't want to put anything in my... in my bum.

I don't!

I don't... I don't know any other people.

I don't... I don't think you two have met.

I failed her, Geoffrey.

I feel a bit weird that I set that news up by saying it was fucked.

I feel horrible that we wasted this conversation

I feel like I've been robbed of great grandchildren. But...

I feel like you didn't even really enjoy having sex with me.

I finished all the good parts of my life a couple of decades ago.

I got a locksmith the other day and it cost $160.

I got it for you before you broke up with me,

I got some coat hangers for you because it looked like you didn't pack any, so...

I got you a birthday present.

I guess I just wasn't paying enough attention before Peg died.

I guess I'll be seeing you in church, then.

I guess it's kind of weird now that Josh and I have broken up, though, right?

I guess that has to be fine.

I guess that's fine.

I guess we'll just come back to it.

I guess you would know, with all your... special research.

I guess.

I hate coming here. It's so humiliating.

I have an afternoon planned for us. You'll like it.

I have been reported to VicRoads for dangerous driving.

I have had a big day.

I have just learned that I have a homosexual grandson.

I have no idea what I'd do if she died.

I have nothing to do.

I have requested to be buried because I want my body to be given to nature.

I have some fucked news.

I haven't cried yet.

I hear you ride bikes.

I hope not at the house.

I hope the poor little guy's ok.

I hope you didn't think this was gonna be good news.

I imagine it's because you think that you kind of look like one

I just can't be bothered.

I just can't imagine that... they're having that much fun, you know?

I just don't know how to get it to that level.

I just don't know how to get the momentum up.

I just don't like the way you've been treating me lately.

I just don't want you to think that you can't talk to me about gay stuff.

I just hate that you think you have some sort of special affinity with giraffes.

I just hope that if I keep talking it'll take longer for you to say something

I just like it better when your shirt's off.

I just need this... I just need this to stop.

I just really think I'm gonna miss vaginae. They just...

I just sort of hoped it was a phase.

I just think if there were no banks,

I just think it's a funny image.

I just think maybe we could stop now.

I just think maybe you should put something, like, snappy and fun.

I just thought maybe you were just, like, saying it...

I just wanna be friends, ok?

I just want it to be special, that's all. Your 21st's a big deal.

I just want to make sure that you are emotionally prepared.

I just want to make sure that you're ok.

I just, uh...

I just...

I just...

I just...

I just... I can't stand her.

I just... I didn't want him thinking I was hitting on him

I just... I hope that you're ok, and if you need anything,

I just... I just really think I have to move back in with her.

I just... I really need to get that. I'm sorry.

I just... I'm worried about...

I kind of feel like we've drifted, you know.

I knew that she'd made it up. Did I not say she'd made it up?

I know about her, ok? I know.

I know exactly... I know exactly where.

I know how much it's gonna hurt, but...

I know she seemed like a massive bitch most of the time, but she isn't that bad.

I know she's waiting down at the corner store. Josh said.

I know that I'll just end up lonely and dating whoever again, and...

I know today is brilliant, it's sunny, we're in the First World,

I know you said you didn't want one,

I know.

I know. But she needs to get out of the house. She needs to exercise.

I know. It's... it's awful.

I left you some Facebook messages in case.

I left you the keys and I brought you a drink.

I like that song.

I liked it. I like him.

I look like a 50 year old baby, you know?

I lost my skirt.

I love putting food on trays. Please let me put food on trays.

I love you too?

I love you.

I love you. Bye.

I made one mistake.

I made Portuguese custard tarts.

I made you some, uh,

I mean, heterosexual boys never like you.

I mean, honestly, it's a little bit embarrassing.

I mean, how many testicles have you seen?

I mean, I do really like it when you're naked, but that's not the only time.

I mean, I get the impression from the others that you weren't actually invited.

I mean, I know it doesn't feel as good, but...

I mean, I really want to, but...

I mean, it's just, I'm turning 21 soon,

I mean, that's good news. That's ok news.

I mean, Tom and I are the ones who've lost our baby.

I mean, we could still be friends, if you like.

I mean, you really embarrass me, and...

I mean, you say you love me, but I... I just don't see it.

I might go and get some tarts.

I might go to sleep.

I might just bump into you in heaven.

I never floss.

I never liked them.

I promise you, we will use protection.

I promise. I just want to make sure you're ok.

I promise. I just want to make sure you're ok.

I quite like sucking penis.

I really appreciate it. It's very generous of you.

I really didn't.

I really do love spaghetti!

I really don't think it had. I think it was just a small bird.

I really don't think she was that good looking when we got together.

I really don't think that's a real statistic.

I really like you.

I really liked her. I grew up with her.

I really liked it.

I really need this done. I don't have anybody here to help me do it.

I really think I could. I'm pretty proud of myself.

I really think we should be calling their customer complaint line.

I said, I...

I sat next to a Thai girl once, and I was thinking,

I saw a homeless woman rummaging through a charity bin.

I say, "Oh, I really don't mind."

I shouldn't be your problem.

I think Geoffrey's genuinely interested.

I think I don't really like him, you know? I think I just...

I think I love you.

I think I might need to get a new job if we're going to have a kid.

I think I need to pee. I think... I just think I need to pee.

I think I'm going to go with Josh.

I think I'm gonna go to Josh's place.

I think it's good for the world there's no risk you could get someone pregnant.

I think it's more that they're saying I'm not a slut.

I think it's time to go.

I think it's... I think it's pretty obvious how I'm feeling.

I think maybe she's just from quite a well off family, apparently,

I think Mum has coat hangers.

I think Mum tried to kill herself.

I think she should come to church, and you should come too.

I think that might be me done.

I think that was her being nice. I'm not... honestly, I'm not sure.

I think that's... I think that's the general point.

I think we just got a bit carried away.

I think we should go out tonight to bars.

I think you're the worst. I think you are just the worst.

I thought I may as well commit and hedge my bets.

I thought probably she was a bitch, but she is very nice.

I thought that meant that I wouldn't be seeing you so much.

I thought you were gonna come over and talk about this...

I thought you were gonna come over.

I told you I was hanging out with Niamh... and Claire tonight.

I told you you didn't need to go and pick it up.

I told you. I told you if you bought this car, everyone would hate you.

I understand Rose lives alone.

I want it to be snacked on by plants and animals

I want to keep it.

I want to squeeze them until they make a little noise

I want to.

I was gonna say, "Are your hands still slippery

I was hoping puberty would do a better job, but no.

I was joking about how she came all the way out here for you

I was just saying that people from Africa aren't African American.

I was just trying to be nice.

I was just wondering if you were ready to start.

I was knocking for a while.

I was momentarily distracted by my uterus and I forgot my manners

I was really getting into the idea of having a little kid too.

I was terrified of dying, of becoming nothing.

I was thinking it could just, you know, just be us boys.

I was thinking of bringing a bar girl home myself,

I was very tired.

I was waiting for you so we could go in together.

I wasn't teasing you.

I will find out who did this.

I won't believe that. I can't. I can't believe it.

I won't eat

I would quite like a piece of cake.

I... I can't remember.

I... I cut myself shaving.

I... I don't know.

I... I have...

I... I never said you were, Peg.

I... I'd like to do it again.

I... I'm not answering.

I... just don't know.

I'd better.

I'll ask somebody sensible.

I'll be fine.

I'll follow you in my car.

I'll go.

I'll have a lemonade, please.

I'll just tell them it was my fault.

I'll sort it out, ok?

I'll stay here and keep an eye on them.

I'll take a couple.

I'll vacuum.

I'm a mummy on holiday.

I'm a pretty good dad.

I'm always worried there's gonna be frogs in here or something.

I'm at home, so give me a call.

I'm at the football.

I'm Brendan.

I'm depressed. I don't vacuum.

I'm doing my test this afternoon.

I'm emotionally prepared.

I'm fairly confident I have the right amount of chromosomes.

I'm fine. I'm fine.

I'm gay.

I'm going to leave you with this tree.

I'm going to the bathroom.

I'm gonna be there for you every step of the way.

I'm gonna do it. It's just hard, you know.

I'm gonna get some water. Do you want some...

I'm gonna go dance with them.

I'm gonna go home.

I'm gonna go.

I'm gonna have to drop you here for a bit.

I'm gonna... I'm gonna go somewhere else.

I'm grateful that he has so many muscles and he's willing to kiss me.

I'm having coffee with Dad. Maybe you can call me when you're done.

I'm Josh's boyfriend.

I'm just gonna grab a seat.

I'm just saying, I saw the way Geoffrey looked at you right now, and I reckon...

I'm just sick of sitting at home just watching you play video games.

I'm just worried about the others lis... listening.

I'm literally so bored, I'll even play Nintendo.

I'm looking forward to joining my husband, Walter,

I'm making compromises, ok? Apparently it's good to compromise.

I'm not an idiot.

I'm not going out in a costume with no one else wearing a costume.

I'm not going to be around for very much longer,

I'm not going to turn the bubbles on just 'cause they... they make me feel weird.

I'm not pretending to be my mother talking to strange men on the internet.

I'm not sure I could move out on Tom.

I'm not sure why you thought it was ok to come to the wake.

I'm not taking you to the party unless you promise to come to church

I'm not threatened. I mean, Tom couldn't like you.

I'm not your aunty. I never was.

I'm not! I don't have a side.

I'm only telling you because I don't have anyone else.

I'm really sorry.

I'm responsible for you in case of emergency.

I'm sad, you know. I promise I'm sad.

I'm sad.

I'm so nice to you guys and you're all just such fucking bitches to me.

I'm so sorry, Josh.

I'm sorry I'm late.

I'm sorry that it had to end like this.

I'm sorry, lovey.

I'm sorry, Tom, am I embarrassing you again?

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I was... just thinking about Josh living with his mum.

I'm supposed to be important to you, so this should be important to you.

I'm the aunty.

I'm the child.

I'm, uh...

I'm... I'm so sorry.

I'm... I'm sorry. You're right. I... I didn't want any. You have it.

I'm... Josh's boyfriend, Geoffrey.

I've been drinking.

I've been looking for that all day.

I've been thinking, and I think one of my favourite things about Geoffrey

I've been wanting to do this all night.

I've decided I am going to break up with Niamh.

I've decided to do internet dating.

I've explained this. Before I met you, I hadn't had sex for eight months.

I've figured out how to do all the "about me" stuff

I've got a job for you outside while I've got a real man here. Ok, come on.

I've made some sandwiches for the funeral.

I've moved on anyway. I'm happy for you.

I've only got a few good months left anyway.

I've still got a little bit of a headache.

I've stolen your youth. I am so proud of you.

If he doesn't want to go, you can take me.

If he has...

If I'd known, maybe I would have planned a more mournful evening.

If you get a headache in the next few weeks,

If you use two same sex electrical sockets.

If you were going to compare them to fruit,

If you're coming into the house, promise to stop talking about Mum, ok?

Ignore it!

Ignore it.

In a situation like this, we can't release the patient

In the reflection of a window to see if they suited her,

In the sea.

Incredible. Clap. Don't you think this is incredible?

Invite me home?

Is a fairly strong indication you're not cut out for it, ok?

Is everything ok?

Is in direct ratio to the amount you'll enjoy kissing boys.

Is she, like, double depressed?

Is that he doesn't have a uterus, you know,

Is that you and I won't get to hang out anymore.

Is that you could get one and it could be shit.

Is that...

Is this ok?

Is this supposed to be insulting?

Is this the hormones?

Is, uh... is your mum home?

Is... is that what you think of me?

Isn't it just mind blowing to think we actually get to eat this?

Isn't it sad?

It can be good to share your feelings.

It could be a douche.

It does suck you're getting a reputation for... sexually transmitted diseases

It had lost its parents.

It is too low. It's going to be too hard on your joints

It looks stupid if you wear blue jumpers with blue pants.

It says it'll only speed up if you... if you start singing.

It sounds like a line from "Degrassi Junior High".

It was a joke.

It was a surprise. I didn't know.

It was just a joke!

It was just some of Peg's pain medication and...

It was pretty fucking weird how we had a birthday cake for you

It wasn't when you were not pregnant.

It'll be... it'll be weird.

It'll happen.

It's a bit awkward to talk about, Alan.

It's a miracle.

It's about celebrating Peg's life.

It's all downhill from here.

It's an honour to finally meet you.

It's bloody...

It's called What's the Most Embarrassing Thing

It's fine.

It's fine. I have a room here that you pay for.

It's fine. I should just deal with this head on anyway.

It's from "Romeo and Juliet", the ballet. It's intense, yeah?

It's funny, you know, because Josh's mother and I

It's Geoffrey!

It's gonna warp the paint, Josh!

It's gonna warp the paint? We have to get it washed.

It's good.

It's got a very lovely front entrance there with the two trees.

It's just Claire's probably at home crying,

It's just like "The Notebook".

It's just so... ugh.

It's just that I have been watching this documentary on Klinefelter's disorder.

It's just that I'm...

It's just that Rose doesn't know about you yet

It's just the rain.

It's just, you know, that sometimes that happens.

It's just... I don't know. I...

It's just... I don't want to miss it.

It's just... there's a whole baby involved.

It's like a 6 week course and I think I'd be really good at it.

It's like a hippie threatening to punch you in your aura.

It's Mae. Rose, hello.

It's Niamh. I have to get it.

It's no big deal. Just... just roughly. How big are they?

It's not a big deal. I'm sure Mae has moves.

It's not about you. I just...

It's not good, is it?

It's not like that.

It's not very alluring, though, is it?

It's not what you're thinking. I was looking at Rose's online dating profile.

It's ok. I'll come.

It's ok. I'll make it come back.

It's over.

It's over. Over, over. It's over.

It's pretty amazing.

It's probably my fault.

It's ridiculous that you have it and you never use it.

It's still time to go, lads. Come on.

It's stupid

It's the chorus soon. Will you be joining us?

It's the third worst thing that's ever happened to me during sex

It's time to get up. Come on!

It's Tom.

It's too much, you know?

It's true. I told Tom.

It's true. Tom is just really horrible at getting sex.

It's very nice to meet you.

It's...

Jeez, mate, I thought I was gonna have to send out a carrier pigeon.

Jesus Christ, it's terrifying. It's just terrifying driving with you.

Jesus Christ.

Jesus shit!

Jesus, Rose, do we need to talk more seriously about this?

Jesus, when's the last time you vacuumed?

Jesus! Shit, that's awesome.

John, come here, matey! Come here!

John, hide your shame!

John! If you were sad, what would you do?

John? Do you think she should have a drink?

Josh broke up with Geoffrey.

Josh is gay. I'm his boyfriend.

Josh mentioned that she was...

Josh told me she spat on you.

Josh, are you sure we're doing enough for your 21st?

Josh, don't be like that, please.

Josh, don't be silly!

Josh, I need you to go and check on them.

Josh, I wanna talk to you.

Josh, I want to talk to you about something.

Josh, I... I can't.

Josh, I'm sorry to hear about your mother

Josh, lovey!

Josh, stand up. Stand up.

Josh, take it with... Josh!

Josh, there's something I've been wanting to ask you.

Josh, uh, Tom told me about how Claire broke up with you

Josh, would you pass me my CD?

Josh, you are such a disappointment!

JOSH: Hey, Niamh. This is Geoffrey.

JOSH: Oh, you sure do know

JOSH: Shit, Tom! That sounds gay.

JOSH: Why can't I ever just let myself properly enjoy things?

Josh! Josh!

Josh?

Josh.

Joshua!

Just a joke.

Just a...

Just have a few questions.

Just last time you came in, I was googling giraffes,

Just leave me a glorious message.

Just promise me that you'll use protection.

Just so alone! Ha.

Just so I know, we're not talking about your mum

Just try to not touch the bottom when you cut it,

Just want you to know that.

Just, um, extrapolating the data based on the other pieces of you that I've seen.

Just, you... you can't come into the house

Just...

Just...

Just...

Just...

Just... just a bit of perspective.

Just... just a bit?

Just... my aunty's there, and she's really homophobic,

Kind of like how your parents were really excited about, you know, having a kid

Kind of took a turn halfway there.

Last time, I was about to and her turtle died.

Let's go and find you other people to kiss and stuff.

Let's go get some food.

Let's go to bed.

Let's just go down to the corner store for some chocolate milk, shall we?

Lights.

Like an old person that makes stupid decisions.

Like I don't have better things to do.

Like I know you're actually quite secretly good at?

Like you're getting it all, you know...

Like, "Hello, boys!"

Like, I think I really, really like you.

Like, where she can make friends and meet people and...

Like, you can have sex in the house, if you want.

Look at you! You're so flust... are you going out on a date?

Look, I don't understand why out of everyone

Look, I know I can be annoying at times, but it's part of who I am, ok?

Look, I really should thank you for taking this one off my hands.

Look, I've worked hard my whole life. I'm getting it.

Look, it... it might be your fault, but I... I doubt it's your fault.

Look, Mae, um...

Look, Rod's gonna stay.

Look, this is important to me, ok?

Look, this is... this fighting is very flattering.

Look.

Love you.

Ma, I'm taking your car. Here's the keys. Thanks.

Ma, Peg's here.

Ma!

Ma?

Ma.

Mae bought it for me on holiday.

Mae! How long have you been in the car?

Mae?

Mae.

Man, these sandwiches are so bad.

MAN: Josh, it's your dad.

Mate, I can't allow that kind of homophobic slandering.

Maybe everyone should just go back to the kitchen for a bit.

Maybe I shouldn't.

Maybe we could sort this out with indoor voices.

Maybe we could turn the lights down?

Maybe you just need to relax a little.

Maybe, like, a month or two.

Mee, I'm sorry to startle you.

Melbourne Storm, Geoffrey.

Mm hm. Yeah, no, he...

Mmm mmm!

Mmm.

Mmm.

Mmm.

Mmm. Mmm. Do you... do you taste blood?

More like Young Dickface of the Year.

Mum doesn't have the confidence to make calls to strangers.

Mum doesn't know I'm here.

Mum wants to say hi. Come here. Come.

Mum, I promise. I can stay. It's ok.

Mum! Fuck! Fuck!

Mum? Does it feel like I have bonus chromosomes to you?

Mum's not answering the phone.

Mwah!

Mwah! You are so gorgeous.

My advice is take the football.

My almost daughter Rose and my almost grandson Josh."

My aunty just died.

My Aunty Peg, uh, Margaret, was quite...

My dad got arrested again.

My family, Rose and Josh, aren't ideal.

My mum attempted suicide today, so I have a pretty good excuse

My mum made so many I thought someone better eat some.

My mum took quite a bit of Panadol and drunk half a bottle of Baileys.

My mum's been crying for three days.

My mum's psychiatrist said that I have to stay home and look after her.

My uncle's disabled, and he's a dick, so...

Nah, I'll be done in a sec.

Nah.

Nah.

Nah.

Niamh is pregnant.

Niamh touched my bum in the bath once. It hurt

Niamh, you need to listen to me.

NIAMH: Oh! Oh!

Niamh!

Niamh's coming over for dinner.

Niamh's coming over today to talk about the baby.

Niamh's here.

No headache?

No more than is normal, I don't think.

No offence, mate.

No one has any control over these things. I mean...

No one is attempting suicide because a fat man like you dumped them.

No one's gonna see you, Ma, alright?

No two men or two women can become one flesh.

No, don't worry about it. I called Claire and we hung out. It's fine.

No, don't, Josh.

No, he was fine. He... he understood.

No, how does this game work?

No, I called the home phone. She wouldn't know it was me.

No, I can't guarantee that. No.

No, I did not.

No, I don't think so.

No, I don't think we should leave our bags here.

No, I don't think we should. I don't like talking about it.

No, I don't want to put this on you, man.

No, I don't want to watch sport and do learning. That's not a fun day.

No, I don't! I don't.

No, I don't. I don't think spending time with you will help her.

No, I had an idea, you know?

No, I promise I really... I really don't.

No, I promised my dad I'd visit him, so...

No, I think it's just honest.

No, I... I wouldn't.

No, I... I... I have to get my car home. I'm really worried about it.

No, I'm almost definitely gonna be Young Australian of the Year for this

No, I'm depressed. There's a difference. It's not sad.

No, I'm gay.

No, I'm not secretly good at it. I'm not.

No, I'm... I'm not... no. I'm out.

No, it just looked like I was sobbing 'cause it was raining.

No, it's fine.

No, it's just...

No, it's nothing like that, I promise. I just wanna go and do my own thing.

No, it's nothing like that. I just...

No, just... just don't worry about it.

No, Ma, it's fine, I promise. I don't need to.

No, maybe you just need to...

No, Niamh. Oh. How is she?

No, no, it's alright. Stay.

No, no, no, no, she's, uh... she's driving. I'll have the same again, thanks.

No, no, nonsense. Bring her in. Bring her to the funeral.

No, no, today is not about being sorry.

No, not at all, I promise. I just... um... ok, I'll try and fix it, ok?

No, not those ones. The other ones.

No, not usually, but there will be at this one.

No, nothing at all. It's all organised. Peg left very thorough instructions.

No, obviously, you were there. You know, that's good. That's helpful.

No, Peg. We don't want to come to church.

No, please. Can you just go?

No, please. You really don't need to vacuum.

No, really, I'm fine. Look, he can bring a date.

No, rubbish. it's... it's... this is... It's a cool car.

No, she's...

No, that's not a fact, Dad. That's not science.

No, that's not true.

No, the doctor says I'm not supposed to drink.

No, there isn't an also.

No, they're not. Have you ever seen one pick something off the floor?

No, this has gone too far.

No, Tom, can you really not see how ridiculous it is

No, we don't need to. I'll just see him another day.

No, we just thought you'd want to get away from all of this stuff.

No, you definitely should not come.

No, you don't understand. It's all the time.

No, you don't use your son as an excuse!

No, you just have to dig it up. I'll help you carry it round the back.

No!

No!

No!

No! Eugh!

No?

No.

No.

No.

No.

No.

No.

No.

No.

No.

No.

No.

No. All he liked about them was that I hated them.

No. Look... Tom, I don't want to think... Stop... stop it!

No. No, you don't.

No. No.

No. Uh...

No. We're not getting it...

No. What the fuck, Tom? I wouldn't date my uncle.

No...

No... no, I'm not.

Nonsense! It's your birthday. You don't work on your birthday.

Nope.

Nope.

Nope.

Normally, I'd come over and see Josh, but now I have nothing to do.

Not fish and chips, and then a walk along the beach.

Not really sure what the plan is here.

Nothing, I liked it! We made out twice, actually.

Nothing. Never anything.

Now I'm using my imagination

Now, don't go quiet on me.

Now, don't think you miss out, young man.

Now, how arrogant, Alan, of you

Now, I know you're sad, but it's Saturday.

Now, I think this would look much better in the backyard.

Now, so why should I be making things easier for you?

Now, there's a lot to do here.

Now, you fuckin' listen to me. Mae is not a bar girl. I met her on a plane.

Nuh. I think I should get more of my boobs out.

Nuh. No, I don't feel right about it.

Of a marriage between a man and a woman?

Of course you did.

Of course you didn't have sex, obviously.

Of course.

Of course. Um... Uh, café?

Off you go! Mmm!

Oh no, Josh, I'm fine. Invite him.

Oh, Alan. My car got egged once. It's gonna warp the paint.

Oh, are you...

Oh, but we broke up.

Oh, come on now. Mae's been patient enough.

Oh, come on, Pies!

Oh, cool.

Oh, cool.

Oh, excuse me.

Oh, excuse me.

Oh, for fuck's sake. Why would he do that?

Oh, God

Oh, God.

Oh, God.

Oh, God. Geoffrey, um... I don't think I can do tonight.

Oh, God. I just...

Oh, gosh.

Oh, hang on. I've... I've just got to call Mum.

Oh, he's told me so many great things about you.

Oh, hey, Mae.

Oh, hey, Niamh.

Oh, how did you... how did you find sex in... in Tom?

Oh, I can imagine you must be so relieved

Oh, I can't figure out how to put the picture on here.

Oh, I sent him away. He's a dick.

Oh, I was...

Oh, I... I'm sorry. I just... I didn't mean to be offensive.

Oh, I'm gonna be fine. I've been driving for over 50 years.

Oh, it's fine. Nice scarf.

Oh, it's nothing. It's just, uh... we broke up yesterday.

Oh, Jesus fucking Christ, Joshua!

Oh, Jesus! Who did this?

Oh, Jesus.

Oh, Jesus.

Oh, Jesus.

Oh, Jesus.

Oh, Josh, that's nonsense. It's fine, I'm fine.

Oh, Josh, they're awful! Oh, they're so awful!

Oh, just send him a thing.

Oh, look, actually, it's...

Oh, look, I just bought this beat up old Honda

Oh, mate, where are you?

Oh, my family are Christian.

Oh, my God, Geoffrey, you're so funny.

Oh, my God, it's a cuckoo clock.

Oh, my God! I'm your next of kin?

Oh, no, come on. Show me the photos.

Oh, no, Dad. It doesn't make sense for you to be in this car.

Oh, no, I was making a joke about you, about how you look.

Oh, no, I've been hanging out with them heaps.

Oh, no, Josh, this is serious.

Oh, no, look, I was just curious to see what my ex wife was...

Oh, no, nonsense. Now, do you eat sandwiches?

Oh, no, not AFL. I don't like it. You know I don't.

Oh, no, that's too much. Why would you tell me that?

Oh, no, you guys have done enough. You go off to your party.

Oh, no.

Oh, no.

Oh, no. No, you haven't.

Oh, no. Uh... I lied to you.

Oh, ok, fine.

Oh, ok.

Oh, ok.

Oh, ok.

Oh, please stop asking. Just do everything you can think of.

Oh, really? My dog has a soft toy and its name is Brendan.

Oh, really? What's it like?

Oh, right.

Oh, Rod is disgusting.

Oh, Rose, I don't think we've got time to go down to the...

Oh, shit, I think he's coming.

Oh, shit. No, not "ping ping".

Oh, shit. Sorry, mate.

Oh, so I... I guess it's my fault, then. Just like everything else.

Oh, so that's... that's more or less the same, then, is it?

Oh, sorry, Peg.

Oh, sorry. I guess that must have made you feel pretty weird, Claire.

Oh, sweetie. Talk to me, baby. Answer the phone.

Oh, thank God.

Oh, thank God.

Oh, thank you.

Oh, thanks.

Oh, that's bad.

Oh, that's disappointing. You know, I really liked Claire.

Oh, that's not true.

Oh, that's useless!

Oh, that's very sweet of you.

Oh, the... the little mole on your lip, it's bleeding.

Oh, there he is, the birthday boy!

Oh, there's just...

Oh, um, when I couldn't get onto you, I called Claire.

Oh, well, good. That's... that's good news.

Oh, well, haw haw! Well, I have no idea.

Oh, well, he's horrible to talk to but he's incredible in bed. Best I've ever had.

Oh, well, I can't very well ask Aunt Peggy, can I?

Oh, well, salad's salad. Now we have lots.

Oh, well, we're doing a '70s theme, so... whatever.

Oh, well. Look, even if you want casual girls...

Oh, what about my eyebrows? Do you think I should pluck my eyebrows a bit?

Oh, what the fuck?

Oh, what the fuck?

Oh, what?

Oh, what?

Oh, what? No, I don't...

Oh, what'll they do to me?

Oh, what's that? The car's slowing down!

Oh, why did I get back with him? I'm just such a big dope.

Oh, would you prefer to go to hell?

Oh, wow. Gosh, that was fast.

Oh, yeah, I'm fine.

Oh, yeah, Tom.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. I think it's been alright.

Oh, yeah. Thanks, Mae.

Oh, yes, of course it is.

Oh, you can be as smart alec as you like,

Oh, you guys are back! That was quick.

Oh, you seem a bit taken aback.

Oh, you're good, Peg.

Oh, you're not...

Oh, you're quitting. What a surprise.

Oh, you're so pretty.

Oh, you've got a pretty big bed. I can just crash there.

Oh, yuck. Yes. Yes, I guess.

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh! I'm not alone, Alan. I'm fine.

Oh! Josh, this is Geoffrey.

Oh! Oh!

Oh! Relax, will you?

Oh! Yes!

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh. Come on, girls.

Oh. Ha!

Oh. Hello, John.

Oh. No.

Oh. Ok.

Oh. Rightio. Rightio.

Oh. So?

Oh. That's Dad, I think, with some of my stuff.

Oh. Well, do you want me to come over while you go out?

Oh. Why?

Oh...

Ohh! This damned auto correct.

Ohh! Why did she have to be so stupid?

Ok, bye. Kisses!

Ok, fine, he has a girlfriend.

Ok, fine.

Ok, fine. I...

OK, great. See you later, sugar lips.

Ok, I get it.

Ok, I have to tell you something but don't tell Tom that I've told you.

Ok, I was just looking at this...

Ok, I'll talk about something else.

Ok, I'm gonna help you up. Will you promise not to vomit on me?

Ok, let's play that game

Ok, let's play this game I invented.

Ok, not that. But just something, you know, fun?

Ok, ok.

Ok, Peg, there's no more beer. We've gotta go inside.

Ok, well, can you just... shush

Ok, well, is this just, like, an elaborate way of ditching me?

Ok, yes, yes, you're right.

Ok!

Ok! I'll break up with her tonight

Ok? Let's go.

Ok.

Ok.

OK.

Ok.

Ok.

Ok.

Ok.

Ok.

Ok.

Ok.

Ok.

Ok.

Ok.

Ok.

Ok.

Ok.

Ok.

Ok.

Ok.

Ok.

Ok.

Ok.

Ok.

Ok. Alright.

Ok. Alright. Did you bring your phone?

Ok. Are you...

Ok. Do you think I should shave my legs?

Ok. I got to go to church. Let's do this.

Ok. I just...

Ok. I won't.

Ok. It's alright, Josh. It's ok. I've... I've decided I'm fine with it.

Ok. Just go, please.

Ok. Just go, please.

Ok. Ok, bye

Ok. Ok, bye. Yep.

Ok. Thank you, Mae. That's enough of that. Thank you.

Ok. We'll wear a costume too.

Ok. Well, if that's what you want.

Ok. Why?

Ok. Yes.

Old man.

Old people get penalised and have to redo their test.

On a plane.

On my less important problems.

On the day of your aunty's funeral.

Once properly and once briefly.

Once, when I was making out with this girl...

One time.

Ooh, this guy hates racists

Ooh! You're back.

Open for inspection!

Or "Spider Man".

Or are we going to have some sort of car park party?

Or if you want to stay here, being curious.

Our first doctor's appointment? I'm not gonna miss that.

Ow!

Peg, it doesn't seem to be responding that well to my singing.

Peg, we both know that you are, unfortunately, very healthy, ok?

Peg, what you doing?

Peg, you just be nice, ok?

Peg?

Peg?

Peg.

Peg.

People can just spy on you and dob you in to the authorities

People keep asking me that, you know?

People might get hungry.

Perhaps we could get a hall or something.

Perhaps you could pop out and get your mum a Turkish Delight, Josh.

Photoshopping a picture of me sucking your penis

Pick up the ball, you idiot!

Pick up the ball, you idiot. Get on him. On him!

Pig!

Ping pong!

Please don't call me dude. It's weird. We make out sometimes.

Please just let me know.

Please?

Pretend like it's ironic.

Pretty harsh.

Probably spiral into depression and possibly drug addiction

Probably where it comes from.

Prosciutto.

Psychiatrist!

Puberty did a good job with you.

Puberty did well with her.

Really, Rose?

Really?

Really? Aren't you just a bit terrified?

Really? But we never hung out.

Really? Do you want to cancel tonight? We should cancel tonight.

Really? How?

Really? She's gonna meet men off the internet?

Really? You're... you're... you're Josh's boyfriend?

Right for drinks?

Right, ok. Zip.

Right! Ok, that's it. I'm out.

Right! Well, this is fun.

Right.

Right.

Right.

Right. That's very funny.

Rod is here. I'm fine.

Rose did it.

Rose has pretty much been a kook her whole life

Rose is trying to sell the house, so we're gonna help her clean up.

Rose, I just want you to know

Rose, I'm really sorry.

Rose, I'm... I'm really...

Rose, it was meant to be a surprise.

Rose! Rose!

Rose.

Rose. Rose.

Rose...

S... say what?

Sawatdee krap!

See ya.

See, my Rose is sad.

Send me to prison?

Sex isn't a sore spot with Rod, I can tell ya.

Shall we get started?

Shaniqua!

She bamboozled you by talking about periods. That's very cunning.

She did.

She got kicked out of her poetry group?

She has something I like.

She hasn't even called me since "the thing".

She just left me, and she was supposed to drive me home.

She picked a free one. Plentyoffish.

She pulled out a pair of tracksuit pants, held them up to her body

She quite liked to control things that happened, and this is no exception.

She took quite a bit of Panadol.

She was busy, I guess.

She'll just get more depressed if she's asleep.

She's alright.

She's alright.

She's alright.

She's been moved to a ward.

She's fine.

She's fine. I'm out. Aunty Peg's there.

She's... she's awake.

Shit, Josh! I don't have time to do that!

Shit, what are you doing?

Shit!

Shit! Oh, no, here we go. Ok.

Shit.

Shit.

Shit. Ma?

Should I ask you what for, or should we...

Should I say hello?

Should I vacuum?

Should someone go after her?

Should we go back to your place?

Show everyone our great costumes.

Shut up! I am.

Shut up.

So can I have one?

So disrespectful.

So do you think you could step outside for a moment?

So eat something.

So how are you feeling about Niamh?

So I can just yell whatever I like at these people

So I got myself two, and then I was worried that if I brought two over

So I got myself two, and then I was worried that if I brought two over

So I got three waters.

So I think you must be hiding something.

So I was thinking maybe we could all go in costume

So I was thinking maybe we could just ignore the things I said before

So I'm just here trying to be friendly.

So I'm sorry, you told everyone that you were pregnant

So if I say to him, "Where's Brendan?"

So much. I like it so much.

So no one wants a, uh, Portuguese custard... tart?

So people who have this disorder have tiny, tiny testicles.

So perhaps you should go.

So she's written her own eulogy for me to read out.

So she's, like, a mail order thing?

So tell me about Rod.

So tell me about your dog.

So that could be... me, I guess, or Aunty Peg.

So that she's less embarrassed.

So that's three pieces of bad news in one day.

So that's why I asked you how big yours are, to check.

So they may as well end it, because you are so perfect.

So they'd probably have to give heaps away as well.

So we have some news. Niamh is not pregnant.

So what's happening here is that's you there, right?

So when did you start being gay?

So you can see we've got a two car garage.

So you say another word about Mae and I'll knock your fuckin' block off.

So, Alan, who do you barrack for?

So, Geoffrey, do you have a... have a girlfriend, or... ?

So, how are you feeling?

So, how do I look?

So, uh, what are you doing tonight, Alan?

So, wait, you two haven't seen each other naked before?

So, what are the other options?

So, what now?

So...

So... tell me again.

So... what... what do you do?

So... what's she like, then?

Some fathers would punch you for this.

Something that... that isn't your car or your ex wife.

Sometimes I want to wear blue pants.

Sometimes it's known as XXY syndrome.

Sometimes they can't afford food, Dad.

Sometimes they have HIV.

Sometimes your period is late, isn't it?

Sometimes, I feel like you and Josh disregard my feelings.

SONG: * One, two * * One, two, three, four *

Sooner or later, every arsehole gets one.

Sorry about your mum.

Sorry, I just have to get through these questions,

Sorry, is the sex a sore spot? Is it not great?

Sorry.

Sorry.

Special treat.

Standing in front of a naked homosexual and society says I've just gotta be polite.

Stay.

Stay.

Stop being silly. We're going on a date tonight.

Stop there, gentlemen.

Stupid fucking shit thing!

Substantial front yard, so play sports and whatnot.

Surely that's a good thing! Surely it's good for me to ask why now.

Surely you'd be a bit perturbed if I wasn't asking you why.

Surely, they'd be the same sized spoons.

Surprise!

Take away my license again?

Tell me something to entertain me while we wait, ok?

Thank God he's not staying for breakfast.

Thank you so much for coming to help out today.

Thank you very much.

Thank you, Geoffrey.

Thank you, Jordan.

Thanks for all the... stuff.

Thanks very much.

Thanks, lovey.

Thanks, Niamh. I'm just glad I can still be here today.

Thanks!

That feels like we're interacting.

That he was gonna break up with you, obviously.

That I am genuinely doing the things that I'm doing

That is weak as piss. Bring your husband next time, ya faggot!

That points out how completely heartbreaking this is for you.

That sounds just horrible.

That to sort of soften the blow.

That was six hours ago.

That you would think I got you one, so I got three.

That... that doesn't sound like good news, Josh.

That's a decision that you have to make, based on

That's a shame.

That's a shame. I... really wanted to meet them.

That's creepy. You're getting creepier every day. More and more creepy.

That's Ever Happened to Your Genitals?

That's good.

That's good.

That's good. What's something honestly fun about you?

That's my orange cardigan!

That's my thing, my most embarrassing thing.

That's nice of him.

That's not important.

That's not the impression I got when I was in the shower with him.

That's not the point. It's just bad news for you personally.

That's not very encouraging for you, now, is it?

That's ok. I have a good imagination.

That's probably them.

That's really good.

That's very considerate of you.

That's what I want from you too, ok? All of you.

That's what we do. We call Claire.

The ball!

The funeral was so beautiful.

The life of a sportsman is short, and you never got a real education!

The muscles just... they just made me feel horrible.

The other day, you accidentally referred to "Hairspray" as "our movie".

The thing that freaks me out about having a kid

The time you were telling me when you were a kid

The way I have snacked on plants and animals throughout my life.

Then a magpie might mistake your penis for a worm and eat it.

Then he died.

Then I can move on to the other patients.

Then I can tell you about Rod.

Then I have to say nice things and I never can, and I think it's because...

Then people would share their money more

Then she'd be committed to getting up every day and going for a walk.

There we go.

There we go. Come on.

There will be delicious sandwiches. Tom, could you give me a hand, please?

There.

There's a blank piece of wall that's been infuriating me.

There's a blank piece of...

There's another thing, also, um, to that.

There's more cheese in the fridge, if anybody wants some...

There's more in the car.

There's not usually food at a funeral, though, is there?

There's nothing like a call from your dad to make your erection... go away.

These things, they happen for a reason, dude.

They don't all have bad eyesight, Rose.

They go, don't they? You're a lucky man.

They have experienced perfect love and they will never find happiness again,

They just made me feel like I was made out of doughnuts.

They kicked her out of her poetry group.

They kicked you out?

They make so much sense, Tom, you know? So nifty.

They may as well end it.

They weld to one another tightly, like a man and wife in holy matrimony.

They... simply won't spark.

They'll be ok.

They're fine, ok? I promise you. Please believe me that they're fine and...

They're not gonna... kill a baby. I guess that's good news.

They've seen me in school musicals. Do we really need a... a discussion?

Think that I couldn't handle this news, hmm?

Think that might be... think that might be it.

This $19 sundae's suddenly pretty fucking humiliating.

This guy is "just an honest bloke who likes a laugh."

This guy says his ideal date is a nice dinner overlooking the ocean,

This is about your obsession with your ex wife's suddenly fascinating life!

This is good!

This is it.

This is like the whole point of life.

This is mine.

This is my Josh.

This is my mum.

This is our baby.

This is so nice.

This isn't good at all.

This isn't workplace sexual harassment. It's just normal sexual harassment.

This whole time I thought you were angry

Thomas, please change the subject.

Though, statistically speaking, it probably was Niamh.

To be honest, Geoffrey, I... I guess I still love his mother.

To be talking in a church waiting for a funeral, everyone can hear you.

To get out of this conversation, by the way.

To pretend that you can't stop thinking about how pretty I look.

To tell people that you're pregnant because your period is late.

To think that you are in control of making things easier for me.

To try to make this easier for you.

Today, Jesus urges us to live a worthy life.

Tom and I made out.

Tom and I... made out.

Tom and you never had a baby.

Tom gave me chlamydia once.

Tom just broke up with Niamh. He's probably crying.

Tom keeps lollies in here. Do you like lollies? It's kind of...

Tom thinks he could date a disabled person.

Tom wants me to suck his penis.

Tom, could you maybe give me a hand in the kitchen, please?

Tom, I know I can talk to you about gay things.

Tom, I think I need you to drive me to the hospital.

Tom, I think the fact you're proud of yourself

Tom, I'm gay. You know, I...

Tom, I'm so fucking bored.

Tom, what the fuck are you talking about? Of course you're picking me.

Tom, you said you were gonna break up with her.

TOM: I know a sassy urban girl,

TOM: I wrote you a poem, Shaniqua.

TOM: No, you can't. Josh just broke up with Claire.

TOM: No.

Tom! No. Surely, not tonight. I mean...

Tom's just broken up with Niamh he's probably really upset,

Tonight, Claire, I am breaking up with Niamh.

Took him, like, five minutes.

Twice.

Two positives come together and they repel.

Ugh!

Ugh.

Uh, 'cause he's pretty, and you were rejected and alone?

Uh, actually, Claire, it's anime. Manga's the books.

Uh, I'm studying a bachelor of creative industries.

Uh, it's a... yeah, it's a bit weird.

Uh, not really. It's probably for the best, really.

Uh, sorry, sorry

Uh, they are keeping the baby.

Uh, what are you doing? We don't have time for milk.

Uh, what do you mean?

Uh, yes, you did. How else could I have gotten it?

Uh, yes.

Uh... he thinks she might re attempt.

Um, as most of you probably know,

Um, do you need to talk about it?

Um, his name is John, and he's just the most adorable dog in the universe.

Um, how would you feel if I moved to Thailand?

Um, I am so sorry to hear about your loss.

Um, I guess it just makes me sad

Um, I've had sex... ish with five.

Um, maybe your phone's flat or something.

Um, war on terror. Shoot.

Um...

Um...

Um...

Um... I don't know, Geoffrey. Mae won't answer the phone, so...

Um... Oh, the first time we had sex we weren't actually having sex

Um... she said we'd drifted.

Unless she has people around to keep an eye on her.

Up, up, up, up! Good boy.

Very well, thanks, Rod.

W... what... what are we meant to do now?

Walking the other day

We are over.

We are...

We can do the party another day.

We can stay, if you like.

We can talk about animals you've seen on the internet in funny costumes.

We did make out in the shower, though.

We didn't have sex, though.

We don't have to tell her.

We don't need a fricking hall. I only have two friends and Geoffrey.

We don't really have anywhere.

We don't want to go to church 'cause... we don't believe in God.

We got beer!

We haven't... decided.

We just ordered a $19 sundae, you know, delicious.

We just wanted you to feel comfortable.

We might just need a moment. Yep.

We need to go in.

We need to talk.

We really need to talk about what happened today.

We should get in the spa.

We use the stalls when we go together.

We went to the GP today and had a test.

We were married 20 years, Mae.

We weren't designed to be homosexual.

We would advise that she is transferred to a private facility.

We... haven't had penetrative sex yet,

We'd give him our leftovers.

We'll just keep going.

We'll... try again in the morning?

We're divorced, mate. Like, that's it. It's over. You're irrelevant.

We're in a pickle. Come on, you used to love this.

We're in the same family. We all have the same habits.

We're just gonna go hang out in my bedroom.

We're just gonna grab the dishes

We're not getting an abortion.

We're not going to move to Thailand.

We're so glad we found you. We're gonna go to the Cadillac Bar.

We've organised this birthday party thing for you later if you want to come.

We've spoken about this.

Well, at least you don't have to hang out with Claire and Tom either.

Well, clearly, it is.

Well, here I am, come to look after your mother.

Well, how about some sort of team thing, you know?

Well, how is someone supposed to stop being depressed if you can't drink?

Well, I can't move back in with her. Can I? We're divorced.

Well, I could always come by after that.

Well, I don't know, Niamh.

Well, I don't know.

Well, I don't know. Am I?

Well, I don't know. I was thinking... I'm just not sure what...

Well, I don't want to. I especially don't want to with your permission.

Well, I feel like you never listen, like you don't care.

Well, I guess... I guess I won't eat either, then.

Well, I just...

Well, I mean, I haven't decided.

Well, I'm not going to stand around here for days being humiliated

Well, I'm only telling you because I have no friends

Well, isn't this exciting? I haven't been on a date forever.

Well, it's nothing to be ashamed of. It's quite common.

Well, let's definitely go out, then.

Well, maybe she just doesn't want to talk to you

Well, my girl.

Well, Niamh says her period's like clockwork.

Well, no, in a circumstance like this,

Well, say hi.

Well, send him a thing too.

Well, someone needs to live with you,

Well, the first time, but it was actually when we were broken up.

Well, then, why don't you ever back me up in front of your friends?

Well, um, are you ok?

Well, we don't call it that.

Well, what about at a urinal?

Well, what happens at a Thai funeral?

Well, yeah. My period was late. It's usually like clockwork.

Well, you look like shit.

Well, you never stick up for me in front of your friends.

Well, you should be living in this rat hole, not at your mum's place.

Well, you were the one who walked away.

Well, you weren't ok with kissing me in public.

Well, you're gonna get a party!

Well...

Well... but Mae won't let me into the house.

Well... do you use protection, Geoffrey?

What a great way to trick God into securing my eternal salvation

What about Claire's '70s themed dinner party?

What an incredible sundae!

What are they talking about?

What are you doing there on your laptop?

What are you doing?

What are you doing?

What are you doing? Stop it! Why are you making this so difficult?

What are you gonna do when you get too old to do this?

What are you hiding?" you know?

What are you looking at?

What are you talking about I..

What are you, um... what are you thinking about ordering?

What are your traditions when someone dies?

What did he do to you?

What did he say?

What did you do?

What do we do? Oh, my Lord, an actual person's chatting to us.

What do you mean? How have I been treating you?

What do you ride?

What do you think? Can we just...

What game?

What have you guys decided to do with me?

What I'm cool, ok?

What if she picked up the local paper round?

What if someone sees me

What if they weren't a dick? What if they were, like, really charming?

What is it?

What is that fucking fascinator?

What is this song?

What is this?

What is your opinion of the financial crisis?

What she needs is some kind of hobby, like, you know,

What the fuck are you talking about?

What the hell happened last night?

What you doing?

What, are your hands still slippery from when you fingered...

What, easy like your mama?

What, he's still there?

What, is... is that weird? Should I eat too?

What, make you dinner and then not make you talk to her while you eat it?

What, so you aren't gonna tell them?

What, you think...

What?

What?

What?

What?

What?

What?

What?

What?

What?

What?

What?

What? No, I haven't.

What? No.

What? No.

What? Oh, Alan, no, not because she's Asian!

What? Oh, shit.

What? What is it?

What? Why?

What? Why?

What... what'd you take?

What'd he say?

What'd I do with the parking ticket?

What's there... to talk about?

Whatever.

When are you going to your party?

When are you gonna break up with Niamh?

When do we have to be at church?

When Mae and I were in Asia to bike around on.

When you didn't actually get to have the actual sex.

When you get in and out of this car, you make a groan like an old man.

When you say you're gonna decide what you're gonna do with the baby,

Where have you been?

Where have you been?

Where I ask you your opinions about world issues.

Where is it?

Where's Mee?

Where's Rod?

Whether it be in heaven or hell or in the bellies of maggots."

Which is what God would want.

While I try and work out who did this thing to me.

Who are you going to fight, hmm?

Who did this?

Who did this?!

Who doesn't like a laugh? Doesn't make you special.

Who the fuck says stuff like that?

Who wants to come, huh?

Whoa!

Whoa! Whoa, no.

Whoa. Ok.

Why are you so curious about your ex wife?

Why are you, uh, waiting out the front?

Why can't I ever just be in the moment, you know?

Why did you tell your Dad I was just your friend?

Why didn't you call me?

Why do I have to put up with the worst parts?

Why do you do this to me, Tom? We both know you're not going to.

Why do you think my penis is disgusting?

Why doesn't he want me to know about it?

Why doesn't Niamh ever do that?

Why don't we just agree to disagree about who gave who chlamydia?

Why is that?

Why is your honesty not offensive and mine is?

Why the fuck does that matter? He told me because it came up.

Why would she want to do that I... I don't know.

Why, why, why do you always have to ask why?

Why?

Why?

Why?

Why's your dad here?

With the two people I love most in the world,

WOMAN: Josh? Lovey, I need some help.

Women don't know anything about cars.

Women!

Won't be long.

Workplace sexual harassment.

Would you date your disabled uncle if he was very charming?

Would you like a... a Portuguese custard tart?

Would you like some tea, Rose?

Would you?

Wouldn't know if he has a girlfriend.

Wouldn't really be that different, would it?

Wow, you really took that "wear bright colours" thing to heart, didn't you?

Wow.

Wow.

Yeah, anyway, look, about this tree.

Yeah, but he's not... he's not very fun, though, is he?

Yeah, but I just, like...

Yeah, but I like like him.

Yeah, but it had all, like,

Yeah, but not in cash form. And it'd be, like, way harder to store.

Yeah, but she wouldn't meet them at their house, would she?

Yeah, but won't it be weird between you and Claire?

Yeah, but, uh, we said that we were gonna be friends.

Yeah, Dad, she started internet dating today.

Yeah, good. Thanks. Thank you.

Yeah, he's a ridiculous man.

Yeah, I am. I'm just gonna stay here if that's cool.

Yeah, I can see! Why don't you just call him? Poor guy.

Yeah, I gotta go see me daughters.

Yeah, I had a really big lunch.

Yeah, I know, because then I end up in situations like this.

Yeah, I want to. I just...

Yeah, I wanted to help out, so I cleaned the house and I made dinner.

Yeah, I was gonna drop her at the movies before the funeral.

Yeah, I was too hurt to stay.

Yeah, I, um... I haven't told Tom.

Yeah, I'm certain.

Yeah, I'm... yeah.

Yeah, if you like.

Yeah, it's safe.

Yeah, just tell me about her. I want us to be friends.

Yeah, just to show that you're my bitch. It was a joke. Comedy.

Yeah, kids these days with their hair, huh?

Yeah, like depressed squared.

Yeah, looks good.

Yeah, no, I said that.

Yeah, no, she's alright.

Yeah, no, we spoke about it. Yeah, he's better.

Yeah, of course I'm terrified. So, what should I do now?

Yeah, of course.

Yeah, of course. I've been doing googling too, ok?

Yeah, ride a Harley.

Yeah, sorry. I didn't want to...

Yeah, take the boobs.

Yeah, that's incredible.

Yeah, that's who I am.

Yeah, that's...

Yeah, that's... that's because of my face.

Yeah, they're... they're massive.

Yeah, we can take you to a gay bar

Yeah, well, he knew I was right.

Yeah, well, I got it right after I met you,

Yeah, well, of course, you're all on Tom's side.

Yeah, whatever, though.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah. Oh, look, I... I... I think AFL's for pansies.

Yeah, you look good.

Yeah, you're Josh's mate.

Yeah?

Yeah?

Yeah?

Yeah? No, you'll be good, yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah. He went to the bathroom to cry.

Yeah. I can shush.

Yeah. I think mine's actually pyjamas.

Yeah. I thought I was, but I'm not.

Yeah. Incredible.

Yeah. No, yeah. Sure.

Yeah. Ok, I know.

Yeah. Sure, I like him too, you know what I mean?

Yeah. That's why they call the website... yeah.

Yeah. The best!

Yeah. Yeah, I can say pansy.

Yeah. Yeah, ok. I've gotta go.

Yeah. Yeah, they're over there.

Yeah. Yep, Yep. Yep

Yeah. You have had a considerable amount more sex than... than Tom.

Yep, good. She seems happy.

Yep, you are going to love it.

Yep.

Yep.

Yep.

Yep.

Yep.

Yep. No.

Yep. No. Sure. I just...

Yep. Ok.

Yep. Suck my dick, bitch!

Yep. Yeah, I know. I'm just with him now.

Yep. Yep...

Yep. Yes.

Yes, fine. What?

Yes, I do.

Yes, I know you booked catering for the wake, but these are for the funeral.

Yes, I understand that, Mae, but I do think...

Yes, I was just in the... Tom and I were just in the spa, so that's why.

Yes, it is fine. Have you?

Yes, it was pretty fucking weird.

Yes, of course. Ok, obviously of course.

Yes, ok, ok. Yes.

Yes, ok. Can you just pretend to be surprised?

Yes, please, I told you. I don't want a party.

Yes, please. That would be the best.

Yes, thank you, Geoffrey. That'd be good.

Yes, you can. You can.

Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

Yes. It's ok.

Yes. Uh, good idea.

Yes. Yes, I am hungry.

Yes. Yes.

Yes... when he kissed me, my lip started bleeding,

Yet, when the opposite sources are used,

You always look pretty.

You appreciate how heavily it'll weigh on my conscience if you do die?

You awake?

You bought me this piñata, ok? It's already heaps special, special enough.

You break up with someone, what is the point for them in living?

You butter fingered piece of shit!

You can decide if you want to join me

You can get it and then not have any symptoms and it randomly just pops up.

You can get these home tests at the store, Niamh.

You can have as much water as you like.

You can move to Thailand. I don't need him.

You can...

You can't cure it with beer!

You can't cure it...

You can't threaten an atheist with hell, Peg. It doesn't make any sense

You coming?

You could date any girl in this office and they would be better. Any of them.

You could just... break up with her and then go to a restaurant.

You didn't leave her in the car?

You don't have to talk to him anymore.

You don't just tell people you're pregnant without taking a test.

You don't know why she couldn't make it?

You don't look a day over 12.

You don't need a new job.

You don't need to babysit me.

You don't want to talk about something else.

You fingered your cousin!

You go and get your food and when you come back, I'll go.

You gonna be long?

You gonna say something or just stand there like a zombie?

You have a pear shaped body, which isn't really right for a boy, now, is it?

You have dialled emergency...

You have to do this. You can do this. Come on.

You haven't mentioned how pretty I look.

You into bikes, are you?

You just can't handle that you've fallen in love with a guy.

You just did not think this through.

You just need to go and wet it and dry it and break it down a bit.

You just spent 20 minutes

You just started crying in an elevator.

You keep hearing your own voice going on and on and ignore what I'm saying.

You knew he'd have to move on one day.

You know how boys have an XY chromosome and girls have XX

You know that I'm not really coming to church, yeah?

You know what they say about Harleys and haemorrhoids.

You know what? I don't... I don't need this.

You know, a constructed narrative and sad music.

You know, Claire, I was really, really wrong about you.

You know, every time we fight I don't know who to talk to

You know, I broke up with him, so I'm the winner.

You know, I don't think I want to be with someone who makes me feel like that.

You know, I don't understand why you're so upset about this, Claire.

You know, I wish you were gay. Then you could be my son in law.

You know, I... I just love my mum so much.

You know, isn't it weird that Claire didn't wear black?

You know, just a bit hopeless.

You know, just a bit hopeless.

You know, like indoor cricket or something.

You know, the sad thing about me breaking up with Tom

You know, there's people in Africa that can't... that afford Porsches.

You know, this is just... Claire, this is too much for me to handle.

You know, you cried that time when we saw a little bird.

You know, you don't have to come with me today.

You lied to him because you thought

You like that stuff like that, yeah?

You look very pretty.

You made out with Geoffrey.

You make your bike disposable like your woman, eh?

You need him.

You need to get her up, doing things.

You need to grow up. You need to leave the house.

You need to help your dad out. I'll take you.

You need to perk up.

You need to tell them, dude. They won't mind.

You never compromise.

You ok?

You ok?

You only just got tested?

You patronising little shit!

You poor thing.

You put things in the way. You're scared of what she'll do.

You really, really can't tell him that I've told you.

You said before you were hungry.

You said that like you were lying.

You see, that's the nature of drifting, is that it happens slowly, over time,

You should have known better. I've taught you how to make tarts. And pies.

You should probably go, Josh. You'd have a good time.

You should reserve comments like that for your father.

You should say something about ping pong.

You sound angry. Is he bad? Is he a bad one?

You stole my man.

You tell everyone the most embarrassing thing that's happened to your genitals.

You think?

You used to be really awkward to look at.

You used to love it when Uncle Walter did this.

You want to share with me in some kind of talk?

You were dismissive of my emotions.

You... you don't need to go to the psychiatrist?

You... you tease me in front of them, like yesterday.

You're 21. You're not 15 anymore.

You're a bit defensive.

You're angry at me 'cause I kissed you?

You're gonna be really good for Josh.

You're just ashamed of kissing me in public.

You're kidding me. It meant nothing? You were... he was sobbing!

You're not allowed to swear in church.

You're not gonna stay and eat spaghetti?

You're not old, are you? Are you old?

You're not that cool.

You're only into me when you're feeling needy and alone.

You're quite right. Yes, I will eat.

You're the only two people rude enough

You're the person I have to try the hardest to impress.

You've been divorced for a while. I don't think that really matters.

You've never done that before. Not since you were a little...

You've never left this much time

Your call is being connected.

Your father shouldn't leave you.

Your father thinks it is his fault because of the divorce.

Your father told me to wait here for a moment.

Your home is made of lies.

Your mother is very nice.

Your mother is very nice.

Sounds dodgy.

Who's it from?

A male boy. I know, yeah.

A mental home. We don't call it that.

After all, it's probably my fault. It's not anyone's fault.

Ain't nobody gonna mess with you. Hey, Tom.

Alan. Hello, Rose.

Also, you're gay. What?!

And drank half a bottle of Baileys? Yes, Dad. I know what happened.

And now Mae... No, no, no, don't... don't say that, Alan.

And when I'm naked, so... Ok, sure.

Anything to help. I'll do some too.

Are you alright? Yeah.

Are you getting it done? Done?

Are you sure? It's good.

Are... (SNIFFLES)

Aunty Peg! Hi, Aunty Peg!

Baileys? Yep.

Better not give me chlamydia. It's gone, it's gone. I swear.

But you hate sport. Yeah, so much. I hate it so much.

Can we go now? No, I'm buying it

Can't this wait? No, Josh, it can't.

Can't you just find a real boy? Or you can stay here and help us.

Can't you just..

Checking up? Yes, yes.

Cider? Yes, please.

Claire said she broke up with you. Yeah.

Claire's sitting right there. It's fine. I was there for it.

Come on, mate. Really. Quite right.

Come on, take a photo of my boobs. Yes, 'cause boys kind of like that.

Crochet? Yeah.

Dad says hi. Hi!

Did you do this? No, I didn't do it.

Did you get a park ok? Yes.

Do you know what happened? Yeah.

Do you know what I think about a lot? What?

do you want some water? No.

Doing what? I don't know.

Don't you think that's a bit lame? Oh, I just... I just can't be bothered.

Excuse me, boys. No, it's ok. I told him. We'll calm down.

Excuse me, boys. You faggot!

Fine. Yeah?

For how long? I... I don't know.

Friends. Just... new friends. Well, what are their names?

Geoffrey. Oh, he's so lovely, Josh.

Geoffrey. It's not important. Put me on hold.

Giraffes aren't graceful. I think they're surprisingly graceful.

Great. Ok.

Happy birthday, Josh. Oh, thanks.

Haven't seen it. I thought I left it in the bathroom.

He keeps saying how much he likes me. What a dick!

He said that she... she can't be left alone. Why?

He's totally frigid. He's right. I pretty much am.

Help her make new friends. Yes?

Here we go. Come on. You don't want to do that. Trust me.

Here, give it to me. I'll do it. No, no. No, I'll do it.

Hey, guys! So good to see you. Hi.

Hey, Tom. Hey, Alan.

Hey! Hi... hi, Niamh.

Hey. Hi.

Hi, Alan. Hi, Claire.

Hi, everyone. Alan.

Hi. Babe.

Hi. Geoffrey just started.

Hi. Hey, Shaniqua.

Hi. Hi.

Hi. Hi. It's your dad.

Hi. I gotta go.

Hi. It's your dad. How'd it go? Hi. She's... she's still there.

His main role is to move the ball... toward the bloody goal!

How big are your testicles? What?! What the hell?

How is that offensive? You're saying it like you're a hero.

How long have you been waiting for? Since I got here.

How long have you guys been here? Not long.

How old are you? I'm 23.

How's it going? Oh, yeah. Big day.

How's your baby? We're at the doctor now.

I can't be your next of kin. Mmm.

I can't see you for a month or two? No, I'm sure...

I do. I do. No!

I don't even know who the fuck you are. I'm Geoffrey, Tom's friend.

I don't know

I don't know. Did you just realise, or what?

I don't mind. Please! I'm fine.

I don't understand how it works. I'll teach you.

I don't... I'm scared. I'm scared. I've been doing some googling.

I finished your gift. Brilliant.

I get it. Ok.

I guess. Good.

I had an idea. Yeah?

I just want some delicious milk. What are you doing?

I just want to make it better, that's all. Yes! Yes, I know

I know what it was like. Harsh.

I love Pop Rocks. Yeah?

I love you. I love you.

I made out with a boy. I know.

I really need you and I love you. Ok, fine. Yes, fine.

I think it's probably pretty offensive. No, I'm saying I would.

I think we should break up. Oh.

I want to see you dance. I'm not in the mood, Peg.

I was just... there... No! Come on. You're being silly.

I won't do it again. I'm sorry. Ok. Good.

I'd like a frozen cola. Me too.

I'd love a cup of tea. Ok.

I'll come. Geoffrey's for Jesus.

I'll come. I actually quite like it. Bam! Claire's in.

I'll go. Great. Tom's for Jesus.

I'm not allowed to drink, Peg. Oh, nonsense.

I'm not racist. Ok.

I'm not singing. Oh, well, we're in a pickle.

I'm really excited about that... We will be there on time, Josh.

I'm Rod. Geoffrey.

I'm sorry, I'll change the subject. Yes, and...

I'm sorry. Well, isn't that just charming?

I've been thinking a lot today. Yes.

I've lost my friends. Oh! Oh, no!

Incredible. He sounds like the best.

Is that better? Nuh.

Is that safe? Yeah.

Isn't it? Yeah.

Isn't that a bit uncool? No, Dad. People do that these days.

Isn't that incredible? It's incredible.

It was just... I just...

It was romantic. Tom!

It's Dad. Who's that?

It's definitely true. It's not true.

It's fine. But I won't take long, I promise.

It's fine. Sorry, mate. I didn't know.

It's fine. Ok, it's fine. No, no, no, really. I'm not racist.

It's Geoffrey. Who's Geoffrey?

It's in. Ah, good.

It's just... Yeah?

It's like a scrotum. (CHUCKLES)

It's not good. It's not...

It's not that bad! And man boobs.

It's ok. I'm cool with that. I haven't decided. I'll think about it.

It's your house! Yeah! Women.

John? He doesn't care.

Josh mentioned that she's...

Josh, I have a surprise for you today. Oh, no!

Josh, time to go. Come on, let's go. Where do you wanna go?

Josh, you're probably gay. I'm not.

Josh? I've made you a sandwich.

Josh? Mm?

Josh? What?

Just making you a little gift. Oh, that's exciting.

Just wear another one. No, I only have blue jumpers.

League? Are you serious? Go the Storm!

Let's have dinner. Ok. Yeah.

Like a team. Like a costume team. Fine.

Mae, have you got the parking ticket? No. You took it

Mae's a nice piece. A what?

Maybe I should eat. Should I eat? I... I don't know.

Mmm, like a dog. (JOSH LAUGHS)

Mmm! I know what mine is. I'll start.

Mum, I'm not having sex in the house. I'm just saying you can if you want.

Niamh, can you just... Oh!

Nice to see you. Oh, your hair's wet.

No offence, mate. No.

No, he was best and fairest last year. He's the best one?

No, I am just saying, ok? Well, don't.

No, it is. Is it?

No, it's good. I just... What?

No, it's just a friend. Hi, Geoffrey!

No, no. No, please.

No, you didn't. You're such a liar. Yes to the question.

No! Take it with the boobs out.

No. (BOTH LAUGH)

No. We can cook at my mum's house.

No. Well!

No. Well...

No. What?

No. I just think I'm too selfish. Surely, that's more offensive.

No. I'm just going out with friends. Who with?

No. Just shush and work on my present. Hi.

No. No, I didn't. Well, should you have?

No. No, it doesn't. Why does he think that?

Nobody... I had a pet magpie for a while.

Of course she owns a fucking turtle. Owned.

Oh, come on. No. Well, did you?

Oh, fuck, Mum. No, please don't swear, Josh.

Oh, hi. Can you give me a lift home?

Oh, I love dogs so much. I think I love them too much.

Oh, I wouldn't want to interlude. Intrude.

Oh, it's not really your turn. I did not give you chlamydia.

Oh, just send him a thing. A kiss?

Oh, my God, I know! Oh, my God!

Oh, no, no. Not now! Now.

Oh, no! Oh, what's that? Don't be silly.

Oh, no. No, don't be silly.

Oh, ok. I'm 20. Really?

Oh, ok. That's a shame. Yeah.

Oh, that's good. She's from Thailand.

Oh, we don't need to call Claire. Yes, we do. We always call Claire.

Oh, what happened? What's going on?

Oh, what's the difference? Well, you can't cure it with ice cream.

Oh, yeah, totally. You do eat stuff like this?

Oh! I'm getting another call. I gotta go. Who from?

Oh! Oh! You don't work here.

Oh! Why? What?

Oh. Yeah.

Oh. That's a bit depressing. What are you doing tonight?

Oh. You ok? Yeah.

Ohh! Yeah, sometimes life is cruel.

Ok, Dad. But I know that she is.

Ok, I'll go. No, you can't go.

Ok, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I was just checking up.

Ok, it's fine. We can do it tomorrow. No, it... it'll ruin the paint.

Ok, ok. You see this bloke? Yes.

Ok, well, ask Aunty Peg. No, that's... that's a bad idea. I'll just...

Ok. And don't be immature about it.

Ok. And I need a photo for the profile thing.

Ok. Great. I'll call Claire.

Ok. Instead of your depressing ex wife.

Ok. No, I mean it.

Ok. Ok.

Ok. Yep.

Ok. Just... Is that alright?

Peg was a super cool lady. Yeah, wasn't she just?

Pizza? Could get pizza or something. Yeah.

Really? Patting just doesn't feel like enough.

Really? Really, really.

Really? What?

Really? Yeah.

Really? You think I should get more out?

Really? You never... How'd you let it drift?

Right. So, where do we start, then?

Right. Ok. Call me in an hour. Ok, bye.

Rose, is it? Mm hm.

Rose, it's not possible. Ok, fine. Forget it, then.

Rose, join in! No, I don't want to.

Rose? Rod? Hi.

Sex with Claire

She couldn't make it. Why?

She doesn't play indoor cricket. Oh, it was just an idea, Josh.

She just wasn't happy with you? I guess not.

She's asleep. Asleep?

She's kinda like the best whoever. She's not the best whoever.

She's Thai, isn't she? Yeah.

She's the worst... person. Hey...

She's upset. Tom, no, that's no excuse.

Should we... we should not mention it. Not mention it.

So I thought I'd say hi. What are you doing tonight?

So, what's her name? Mae.

Some people don't drink, Niamh. Yeah, my dad's an alcoholic.

Sorry this took so long. Oh...

Stop it! Sorry. Hi.

Stop! It's good. It's good. It's ok.

Sure. Where do you want to go? I don't mind.

Thanks for picking up my stuff. Ok.

Thanks. She's quite right. Ok.

That is a stupid idea. She'd make money. What do you mean?

That Mum took a box of Panadol? Yeah, you told me on the phone.

That sounds a lot like bullshit, Tom. It's not. That's... that's the truth.

That's all. Ok.

That's good. Yeah, so where did you meet her?

That's really interesting. N... no.

There actually wasn't much stuff. Yeah.

There? Yeah, he was...

There's no way. No, come on.

These ones? Yeah.

They couldn't even afford a Yaris. Do you know how much this could cost?

They're African. Right. Well...

They're delicious. They're overmixed.

Think you might be in my chair. Oh, shit. Sorry.

This is good. Alan? Alan, did... did you want to come?

Today we celebrate Peg's life, ok? Ok.

Tom loves me. Oh, really?

Tom, are you googling giraffes again? Yeah.

Tom, I'm not going to suck your penis. I don't want you to suck my penis!

Tom, she lit your passport on fire. She didn't want me to leave.

Tom? Yep?

Tom. Hey.

Too old and... big. Josh, I'm not that old.

Uh, Mae. Yeah, your girlfriend.

Uh, ok. Yes!

Vietnamese? No, I don't... don't eat weird shit.

Was that... ? Shit, shit, shit!

We'll have a singalong. Yes!

We're going to the psychiatrist! Joshua!

We've been in the spa. Ok.

Well, I don't think I should do it. No, I can't do it.

Well, it's just... I'll be fine on my own. Are you kidding, Niamh?

Well, that sounds nice. Everyone likes a laugh.

Well, there's... No communication.

Well, would you? No, I... I...

Well, you should come hang with us. What?

What are you doing here? Uh, my mum's at the doctor's.

What are you doing? I just... I...

What are you doing? I'm done.

What are you doing? I'm just giving you a kiss goodbye.

What are you doing? I'm on my break.

What game? Collingwood v St Kilda. Members Stand.

What the hell are you talking about? Well, the local paper route.

What was that? Someone wants to chat to you.

What, you didn't go in with her? To a psychiatrist's appointment?

What? Come on.

What? I don't know.

What? I need you to drive me to the hospital!

What? I need you.

What? Plenty of fish in the sea.

What? Oh. Fine. Yeah.

What... what are you doing here? Oh, am I interrupting the...

What's happening? It's a thing we do. Just go with it.

When I try, something gets in the way. I don't think it does.

When will you be done? I don't know, about an hour?

Where's Tom and Claire? Hey, Tom! Claire!

Where's your dad's girlfriend from? Thailand.

Which hospital? I don't know! Just get in the car!

Who broke up with who? She broke up with me.

Who is it? Mae left me.

Who? Mee.

Who's Rod? A man I'm seeing.

Who's your next of kin? You are.

Why are you always googling giraffes? I'm not always googling giraffes.

Why are you looking at me like that? Come on!

Why did you say that? What?

Why do you want to know this? Why?

Why no fish and chips? I don't know. Is that a problem?

Why? You'll scare the shit out of her!

Why? You don't need to call Claire. No, I think I do.

Why'd she break up with you? I... I don't know.

Would you like a drink, Geoffrey? Oh, I don't drink.

Wow. That is very nice of you. Yeah. I'm a modern day hero.

Yeah, because you can't. Yes, I can. I can. I can feel things!

Yeah, but it should be honest, though. Honesty's good.

Yeah, but it's not '70s. How can a salad be '70s, Claire?

Yeah, I guess so. Oh, man, that's fucked.

Yeah, I know. Ok?

Yeah, um, you too. Do you know where your car is?

Yeah, what else am I doing? That's a good point.

Yeah? It's stupid. Yes.

Yeah? Yep?

Yeah. And... and your mum doesn't know.

Yeah. Anyone want a strawberry?

Yeah. I thought you were older.

Yeah. Is that alright?

Yeah. No, Josh. She shouldn't be asleep.

Yeah. Ok.

Yeah. She mustn't have very good eyesight.

Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Do you want a cider? Yes, please.

Yep, that's him. Excuse me, sir, I've seen your wang!

Yep. So, what do you need me to do?

Yes, I've been drinking. I can't help. No, I haven't been drinking.

Yes, it's what I want. Ok?

Yes, ok, I understand. I know this is annoying. I'm really sorry.

Yes, well, your mum was... Elderly.

Yes, well... She has a mental disorder.

Yes, you can. No, I can't.

Yes! Who's starting?

Yes. What happened?

Yes. Yes, I know. Well, boys with this disorder have XXY.

You and this car, you're incompatible. You look old and stupid.

You can meet her another time. No, nonsense. Nonsense!

You can... you can bond. Josh, I just don't need to be here.

You do. Oh...

You dumped me yesterday, yeah? Yeah.

You forgot your tarts! Of course.

You got that right. Dad, please stop.

You guess? Yes. I mean, yes...

You had actual sex? No. My lip was bleeding.

You hitting on me? No, I'm not hitting on you.

You just need to... Josh, Josh!

You look nice. Oh, thanks.

You look... What?

You need to be grateful, alright? I'm scared. I'm scared of surprises.

You ok? I'm fine.

You ok? Yep, yeah, look, I'm fine.

You right? Mmm. Yeah.

You said you wanted to. No, I can't do it.

You sticking around today? No, no, I best be off.

You still vomiting? Yeah, a little.

You think about that a lot? I just...

You think I'm a slut? No...

You think this is funny, don't you? No.

You were never pregnant. You thought I was pregnant.

You'd want to hang out? Yeah.

You'll regret it otherwise. I can't.

You're ashamed of me. I'm not ashamed of you.

You're my next of kin. Uh.

You're not up to it? Come on, get up! Come on! Don't! Don't!

You're so afraid to feel things, Josh. It's not about feeling things.

... about the thing.

... can stick it.

... coming to rescue you.

... decided to lead a homosexual lifestyle...

... for... you and Josh.

... isn't it my responsibility to love him?

... isn't it...

... magpie might swoop down and eat your penis.

... marriage as an institution is under great pressure today.

... some Baileys.

... then you wouldn't have such a cool car, like you do now.

... they have no choice but...

... they... they...

... to be true to themselves.

... to... be... there...

... wants some cheese.

... you know, kind of in the habit of popping over.

'Cause he's so fucking considerate!

'Cause I don't want her telling everyone that I gave her chlamydia

'cause I don't want you to have to kiss me.

'cause it means that we could never get ourselves into this situation.

"... do... ping pong?"

"... I guess Magic Dick Rod has it covered."

"Does... she... "

"Don't get an erection. Don't get an erection."

"Don't make too much fuss over my death.

"Hero" is a strong word.

"Hey, you aren't in hospital anymore!" celebration French toast.

"I loved everything you are with every part of my being.

"I... hate... you."

"I... just... wanted...

"I've been going to church every Sunday for my entire life.

"If you're hearing this sorry little speech it's because I'm dead,

"Jesus fucking Christ, Mae. Why can't you just make a decision?"

"Mae, where do you want to go for dinner?"

"Mother of one boy and one dog."

"Oh, I don't mind." "Well, I'm easy, so where do you want to go?"

"Ping ping?"

"Really, Rose?"

"The two of them have taught me the most important lesson of my life

(BARKS)

(BEEP!)

(BEEP!)

(BEEP!)

(BEEP!) Josh! Geoffrey's in your room.

(CONTINUES MOANING)

(DOOR CLOSES)

(DOOR CREAKS REPEATEDLY)

(DOOR CREAKS)

(GROANS)

(LOLLIES POP)

(NERVOUSLY) Yeah. Yep.

(NIAMH CONTINUES MOANING LOUDLY)

(PHONE BEEPS)

(PHONE RINGS)

(REPEATED BEEPS)

(RETCHES)

(SNIFFLES)

(SOBS) I just don't know who to talk to.

* I left better behind I'll be fine... *

* I'll be fine, yeah, yeah, yeah *

* Make my mamma tum another blind eye *

* Ooh * * I left better behind *

* Ooh * * Oh, the good Lord knows it *

* Ooh * * Oh, the good Lord knows it *

* Ooh * * Ok *

* Yeah, I'll be fine, yeah, yeah * * Ooh *

* Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah *

♪ 5, 6, 7, 8 ♪

♪ 5, 6, 7, 8 ♪

♪ 5, 6, 7, 8 ♪

♪ 5, 6, 7, 8... ♪

♪ 5,6, 7, 8 ♪

♪ A cowboy god from head to toe ♪

♪ A cowboy god from head to toe ♪

♪ Big grinnin', body spinnin' ♪

♪ Floor scuff in', leg shufflin' ♪

♪ Foot kickin', finger clickin' ♪

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

♪ Happy... ♪

♪ Hip bumpin', music thumpin' ♪

♪ It's time to begin, I'll count you in! ♪

♪ It's time to begin, let's count it in ♪

♪ It's time to begin, now count it in ♪

♪ Knee hitchin', heel and toe ♪

♪ Leather slappin', hand clappin' ♪

♪ My bootscootin' baby is drivin' me crazy ♪

♪ My bootscootin' baby is drivin' me crazy ♪

♪ My bootscootin' baby is drivin' me crazy ♪

♪ My bootscootin' baby is drivin' me crazy... ♪

♪ My bootscootin' baby is... ♪

♪ My dance floor date ♪

♪ My dance floor date ♪

♪ My dance floor date... ♪

♪ My obsession from a Western ♪

♪ My obsession from a Western ♪

♪ My obsession from a... ♪

♪ My rodeo Romeo ♪

♪ My rodeo Romeo ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Pumpin', jumpin', here we go! ♪

♪ Rompin', stompin', slidin', glidin' ♪

♪ Wanna make you mine, better get in line ♪

♪ Wanna make you mine, better get in line ♪