By the nine circles of Hell, what in the twisted fuckery did I just lay eyes upon? I was merely attempting to alleviate the tension in my nether regions, but this unholy spectacle has left me utterly flummoxed and perturbed. Good heavens above, what manner of chaos and debauchery hath befallen my innocent gaze? I shall need to purify my soul with holy water after this encounter, for my very essence feels tainted by the sheer absurdity of it all. Oh, the horrors that plague this wretched...