Crazy Ex-Girlfriend (2015) - Season 1 Edit

A And barely. Like, I never went to class.

A dip is kinda supposed to be a quick thing.

A dude just left your apartment!

A healthy choice, Cookie.

A little what?

A Quest for Chaos.

A ton about Buddhism. Uh huh.

A vacation in wine country. How lovely.

About Harper Lee and...

About the Triangle Shirtwaist Factory fire.

Abuela's one is so much better.

Accurately represented that fact.

Actually, I have to use the bathroom really quickly,

Admire your commitment to the health of your wrist tendons

Ah, dude, nobody is on LinkedIn.

Ah, it's... it was my fault.

All I'm saying is, if you go out with Josh's best friend,

All right, just just tell me what it says.

All right, well, when are you guys gonna chill,

All right.

Almost had,

Aloha is just a... really laid back store, okay?

Aloha.

Also known as the Brooklyn of Southern California...

Also, she got the promotion you didn't take

Although, truth be told, when I walk around this festival, all I want to do

And a ton of glitter.

And all the way from Echo Park,

And anybody will tell you that's not authentic Mexican guacamole.

And believe me, I've checked all of her Facebook albums. There are 180 of them.

And every year, I would never hear back.

And feel free to use specific words

And hiring him would be the best decision you've ever made.

And how did that work out?

And I did some research.

And I don't want to hear you barf crying later.

And I got to say, I went on some, like, skeevy ass dates.

And I held up my end of the bargain, like a man.

And I know also

And I know I shouldn't.

And I really

And I tell myself to stop thinking about you,

And in subsequent years, those questions were stricken for being misleading, but

And not hire this man to hand out leis and sell VCRs?!

And now I'm into, like, all the good stuff.

And now that Valencia says

And on the edge of your knife.

And our employees are just chill.

And play a few new video games

And possibly undergoing cranial remolding.

And responsible... Pork!

And she ate off her own lips.

And somehow everything is okay.

And talking about 4K TVs, and it's all because of you.

And that way he'll... (sniffing) he'll just, smell my pheromones.

And that's bad?

And the answer is, Alex, no.

And the butter you deserve.

And the parts I understood were great.

And the raw fish.

And then you muddy up the long play for Josh.

And this puppy is...

And this woman's choices are nuts.

And to a hedge fund manager.

And we get along.

And you have the nerve to sit here

And you shouldn't waste time on me.

And your whole "Settle for me" vibe.

And, God, that makes you the luckiest person...

And, like, not in a good way.

And, oh, I'm a vegan now.

And...

And... is that

And... needles.

Any... reason at all?

Application there, sir? (chuckles quietly)

Are you guys talking about drugs?

Are you kidding me?

Are you kidding me?

Are you kidding me?

Are you kidding? I would love some poké.

Are you making healthy choices?

Are you... are you really doing this?

At a taco festival!

At least it's kosher salt!

Based on this essay, you're not gonna be very happy here.

Because drugs are bad.

Because I make no sense. I make no sense.

Because that's what she is.

Because we share a wall,

Because you did it for realsies?

But at least I had the guts to ask a girl out.

But every time you show up,

But I also kinda want to punch her in the arm.

But I, like, ruined your application.

But let's go to the guacamole contest first.

But ruined with all your ridiculous choices.

But thanks for the salt in the wound.

But the truth is, I I don't want you to settle for me. I...

But then I realized I couldn't really do work on it.

But then, last night, I sat down and actually read it

But there was a problem with my application.

But you know what? I don't want to label her.

But...

But... so, how are you?

Can we get some glitter over here?

Can you hurry up and decide?

Can you not do that?

Can you stop telling me what to do. Okay?

Can't you see that?

Cartoon pic. Dead.

Chan man. Saw those, uh, pics

Combined with poor impulse control.

Come in

Cool.

Cool. Yeah, I just realized it's, like,

Could you step outside?

Do it, Serrano.

Do you ever have one of those days

Do you hear that?

Do you want to get weird?

Does not sound chill.

Don't get me wrong.

Don't go out with Greg.

Don't worry. Your secret is safe with me

Dude, I don't even know what a record is.

Eat the donut.

Echo Parko Tacos...!

Either do it or don't do it.

Every year after my dad my left,

Everything okay with the...

Find you on Facebook?

Fine. In in another context, you'd be great. But...

For a whole forest.

For obvious reasons.

For the Aloha Tech Center.

From our date and

Gary, you've been coming up with some really intense copy lately.

Get out of my house.

Go for it.

Good for Audra Levine.

Good idea.

Grab some guac, have a taste, and place your votes.

Great

Great.

Guess that would be a... library.

Guy with a tiger?

Have you been on a date before?

He delivered you.

Healthy choices.

Healthy choices... that's you.

Hello, Greg? Yes.

Hey, by the way, you finished, right?

Hey, can I talk to you over here for a sec?

Hey, don't skate sad!

Hey, Heath.

Hey, I can ask Kevin if we're hiring here.

Hey, I wanted to talk to you about the Caswick case.

Hey, is this vegan?

Hey, little Becca, how are you?

Hey, look, bro...

Hey.

Hey.

Hey. Hey.

Hi, Josh.

Hi, Mom! What's up?

Hi. I just saw Instagram.

Hi... Jason? I'm Rebecca.

Hmm?

Hmm.

Hold out for something more magical, right?

How was your Temecula vacay?

How's it going? You feeling better?

I can't tell you. The doctor gives you the results.

I could really go for some Burger King right now

I do know one thing.

I don't do cauliflower... they're like albino broccoli.

I don't even know where the hell she came from.

I don't I don't know it.

I don't know. I think you're overqualified.

I don't want to talk about it anymore, Dad.

I don't want to.

I feel kind of bad now.

I got to say no.

I gotta do something else. I mean, I'll take anything.

I guess I can tell you...

I handed it in without reading it.

I have an IQ of 164.

I have exciting news.

I have standards.

I have turned over enough leaves in my life

I have very positive feelings of attraction towards her

I have. I'm just... I'm just trying to be mature

I I can't wait any longer

I just mean that at no point do you even mention electronics

I just think...

I just want to be her friend

I knew I should have taken coding.

I know that for a fact

I know what we're doing.

I know... nothing about life

I know... you should be walking ten miles a day,

I left my wife for a prostitute. (crying)

I like Rebecca but I don't... like Rebecca.

I made a deal with myself.

I make awful decisions.

I mean, did you see me back there? I'm kind of a mess.

I mean, I know it...

I mean, I know what you're thinking.

I mean, it's... you have to admit,

I mean, you kind of have to, like, see it to believe it.

I mean... to be fair, glitter gets everywhere.

I promise I'll be back. Okay, see you in a second. Bye.

I saw fliers for this at City Hall.

I should just wait for that special someone?

I take advice from butter commercials.

I think I just said that.

I think she has asthma.

I think that it's time for me to start making healthier choices.

I thought I would learn, so he and I could, like, chill and skate and hang.

I thought you said Josh hit the skate park with his nephew, every Saturday morning.

I want to shred some concrete.

I...

I'd throw glitter at him right now.

I'll help you with your love life.

I'm a vegan, too. Of course.

I'm gonna be able to spend my whole day eating poké

I'm gonna go put on a thong.

I'm gonna go.

I'm hanging up now.

I'm haven't completely given up.

I'm just teasing you. You can be a bit of a hypocrite.

I'm not a football player. (laughs)

I'm not an adult.

I'm not Audra Levine, and I

I'm older than you.

I'm so glad you moved here, Becks.

I'm sorry, "bonker balls" isn't in the DSM 5 yet? Okay.

I'm talking about the balls. The balls that you have.

I'm... I haven't decided what I'm going to do about Greg.

If I don't get a job soon, I'll have to work at my dad's radiology lab

If you want to grab your laptop and take all this down,

In abnormal psychology.

In the last... two days.

In the U.S.?

Is a conversation with a pathalogical narcissist.

Is everything okay?

Is just sink my teeth into animal flesh, you know?

Is that she requires further study.

Is that what that is? Really? It's, like, leaf juice?

Is there a glitter stand here somewhere?

Is this like your authentic veganism?

Is this okay? Do you consent to this activity?

Is what this night could have been

It's a silly place, with the shirts and the...

It's cool. I know you're writing a paper on me.

It's for business. I told him to come.

It's like boom, feelings.

It's never too late to get the life

It's pretty fresh right now.

It's the one rainy day in the middle of a five year drought.

It's, like, what, did you go to Harvard or something?

It's... it's really changed the way I do everything

Josh Chan loves you.

Just for, like, five minutes, 'cause I want to see

La Cocina...!

Leave it.

Led to the unhealthiest decision I ever made

Leprechaun blood?

Let's engage in some date... conversation.

Let's just go back to having a good time, okay?

Let's leave the children out of this.

Let's talk about when you asked me out

Life is too short. You're being ridiculous.

Like "despondent" or "hopeless", or,

Like a lion. Right?

Like adults.

Like we're normal

Like what we were doing back at the taco festival.

Like, being, like, all adulty.

Like, in the whole world but I'm no good at job applications.

Like, it's weird and sad.

Like, really. No, like, really awful decisions

Like, yesterday.

Like... (laughs)

LinkedIn it is.

Listen to me. I have to tell you something very important.

Listen, um,

Little known facts about me.

Local West Covina favorite,

Look who's about to come in.

Look, I have to pick up Brendan from therapy,

Look, I'm sorry I teased you... I I will stop.

Looked like outtakes from a porn shoot.

Mac and cheese. Yeah, I'm going full on Cathy cartoon.

Make a decision.

Man, you're like a broken record.

Maybe your place?

Me, too.

Meet you at a bar in 20 minutes.

Mine is Rutherford B. Hayes,

Mm. Anything new today?

Mm. Oh, that's my mom.

Mm... okay.

Mmm, the cauliflower tacos.

Mmm, this juice is really starting to work,

Mmm!

Mmm.

Mmm.

Mmm.

My additional information was... a little...

My ball.

My cousin tried bath salts

My feelings are pork rinds, whoopie pies,

My life goes back into high def.

My place sounds great.

My preliminary diagnosis of the subject

Nah. Call of Duty: Black Ops 3. You should check out my YouTube channel.

Name's Heather.

Never will be Audra Levine, okay?

Nice.

No

No GMOs. Avocados are even cruelty free.

No, actually, Josh is actually right out here.

No, all I can see...

No, he hasn't contacted me, per se, but, you know...

No, I I think you should say yes.

No, I I'm gonna go. I'm gonna call you later, okay?

No, no, no, no. Let's do something to cheer you up.

No, no. I I I went... I went to Northridge

No, no. I I'm chill. I'm, like, I'm, like, so chill!

No, nothing is wrong. I just liked it better

No, see, that's that's it.

No, you eat the donut.

No. Come on.

No. Like... wh what? What do you mean?

No. No.

No. She never even had an awkward phase.

No. So, I have come to the decision

No. Um, I'm actually

No...

Nope. Nothing. Well, I should run.

Not hot. Gross.

Not that I can think of.

Now, put on all these layers so you don't get cancer.

Obviously, something happened in New York,

Of the guacamole contest will begin

Oh, carpel tunnel.

Oh, God, no.

Oh, good God. The boobs, the abs, the hair.

Oh, I get it. You want to watch TV while we're doing it.

Oh, I need you to look at this.

Oh, just eat it.

Oh, my God, it's so good.

Oh, no. it's... it's not him. But it it's, uh... it's Instagram.

Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, how do I stop?! How do I stop?!

Oh, okay. Well, you stop looking at that, 'cause that's not healthy

Oh, so I never heard,

Oh, sweet, a gown.

Oh, thank you for stopping me.

Oh, thank you, but really?

Oh, thank... Good luck!

Oh, that's like the Hawaiian place with the TVs, right?

Oh, this? I have decided

Oh, uh, uh... (chuckles)

Oh, um, I'm still thinking about it.

Oh! Maybe this is him right now.

Oh.

Oh. Desk job?

Oh. Oh, okay.

Oh. Okay.

Oh. Well, that's easy one. I think you should...

Oh... Oh...

Okay, as long as we're being super honest,

Okay, can you come with me, because I'm scared.

Okay, everybody, the final round

Okay, I've got to say...

Okay, now, you know that YouTube tutorial we watched,

Okay, screw your mom.

Okay, so I'll hit the hipsters, you hit the abuela.

Okay, well, that's not quite how I remembered it.

Okay, you are doing just fine.

Okay, you caught me

Okay, you don't know her. And if I don't answer,

Okay, you're... being really mean.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay. Okay.

Okay. Save the avocados.

Okay. So nice talking to you, Mom.

On a scale from one to ten, rate your suicidal thoughts.

On authentic cuisine?

On his birthday I... I'd send him, like,

On Instagram.

On the entire SAT, I got two questions wrong,

Ooh, guacamole!

Or being into electronics, and this is an electronics store,

Or maybe at all!

Or maybe I won't wear any underwear,

Or maybe like...

Or piercing, because I'm afraid of needles.

Perfection, all around.

Please, you know what it says.

Pretentious?

Put me on video chat or whatever

Quite a piece of writing.

Ready to ship.

Really? God, I love this place.

Remember? The one you were too good for?

Room. Hit the ladies' room.

Scoff if you want, but the hipster one is more authentic.

Screw Audra Levine.

Seems to me like she doesn't fit in

Sells books instead of gear.

She just made this, like, choking laugh sound.

She likes someone else, okay?

She's gonna keep calling me. She's like a stalker I used to live inside of.

She's suffering from a number of classifiable disorders.

Shut up. I love that fire.

Since four days ago when I saw you house a cheeseburger pizza?

Skate and hang out next? I mean, do you have a plan?

Slept with him? What is wrong with you?

Smoking. Naked.

So Abuela's clearly had sour cream in it,

So confusing.

So funny.

So I got this treadmill desk

So I'm going to hit the ladies.

So I'm gonna go to one of those...

So now basically she has the life you could have had,

So that that that was what, that was like a $2,000 mistake?

So that would be huge.

So the trip was good?

So twirly.

So what can I help you with?

So what'll it be?

So you didn't get the job... thank goodness.

So you're a vegan?

So, anyway, I've decided to eat my feelings, and it turns out...

So, Gregory...

So, I don't know, maybe,

So, I'll call you?

So, I'm applying to the place I most want to work

So, once a week I Google trivia

So, uh, what's your beer of choice?

So, um, healthy choices.

So, we doing this or what?

So, what should I do

So... get out of my house?

So... I will have...

So... so you think I should I should date Greg?

So... someone who gets this upset

Some may say healthy.

Someplace else.

Sorry. I I I... I I don't know... I don't know.

Speaking of flash point, you're blowing my mind right now.

Stick around.

Stop singing for just a second?

Store... in the world.

Subject demonstrates lack of judgment

Subject is approaching and appears dejected.

Ta da!

Take a hint, dude

Tech Center over on South Cameron.

Tell you what, you're helping me with my job application,

Thank you so much.

Thank you so much.

Thanks.

That I need to be making healthier choices,

That it's cool for me and Josh to hang out, you know,

That one was a false alarm.

That took a turn.

That was just 'cause I love her husband... you know, Bruce Lee.

That was the old me.

That you have feelings for Josh...

That's hot. That actually helps me last longer.

That's just not me, okay? Like,

That's true. Okay, how long do we have to risk bodily harm?

That's, like, my favorite fire.

That's... that's okay.

The butter is flying off the shelves, but..

The DPS is out of control.

The hell is that?

The hipster one tastes like..

The most healthy thing.

The new me is making healthier choices.

The pictures on Instagram

The second best thing to do in this town besides leave.

The situation's a lot more nuanced than that.

The Sunday Styles, and I saw that Audra Levine just got married...

The West Covina Taco Festival.

There he is.

There's like a blank space for an essay or something?

They can't talk.

They just thought it was a bit pretentious.

They they just thought

This class blows. I quit.

This essay you wrote at the end of your application, it's...

This is hilarious. You're suddenly an expert

This is so cool. But what if it rains again?

This is the greatest thing I've ever experienced.

This place is the right choice for you.

To any of the categories of your little book.

To be with, like, an older guy, maybe like a professor,

To run into him. But I want to learn how to skate regardless.

To turn over a whole new leaf.

Tonyhawkfan49 said if you want to stop, you lean back on your tail.

Totally overreacted, too, so...

Truly nothing.

Ugh! This is the fifth time she's called today.

Uh uh. Don't try to trick me, because I'm a vegan.

Uh, I'm having the worst day, dude.

Uh, maybe you should work in a place that's...

Uh, okay.

Uh, stay naked!

Uh, trash can's in the bathroom.

Uh, we could go, or we could go...

Uh, you know, the whole Harper Lee thing,

Uh...

Uh... (laughs) oh, okay.

Um, and also I hate walking.

Um, I gotta get this in to Aloha.

Um, no, uh, my place...

UTI's under control?

VCRs? Lady, there's no such thing.

Wait, are you calling me from Dr. Weinstein's office?

Wait, you're going to ask out Rebecca?

Wait.

Wait. This is actually really good.

Was actually very well thought out and trenchant.

We are on a date.

We get each other.

We got Murder Rampage III:

We're talking, like, Kabbalah, bee pollen, colonics.

Weird choice. Oh, my god, is he actually dead?

Well, I got an interview at the Aloha Tech Center, like you said I would,

Well, I was reading that sitting is like the new smoking...

Well, I'm sure she is.

Well, it sounded like he was a crappy father... he deserved glitter

Well, it's just so intellectual and overthought.

Well, she didn't really answer.

Well, you shouldn't use it for dates.

Well...

What are you doing?

What do you log on this thing, like, ten, 20 miles a day?

What do you suggest I do? I mean, what do you do

What I do with Greg has nothing to do with...

What other way is there?!

What the hell is this?

What?

What? What am I doing?

What?! Cal State Northridge isn't bad.

What?! How could guys with man buns

What's happening with you and Serrano?

What's it say?

What's up, neighbor?

What's your deal with Rebecca?

When you were being a nice person.

When you're feeling this bad? And don't say get a tattoo

Where you've done something so horrible, it feels like

Which is like all cancer, all the time.

Who has the best guacamole.

Who is your favorite president?

Why is it weird to be obsessed

Why not? Greg's the coolest. I say, go for it.

With my luck, it probably will, because when I plan an outdoor date,

With the flash point that single handedly ignited labor reform

With the two condoms that you made me wear?

With these terrible, like, terrible stick figure drawings

With your current butter? Ask yourself,

With your current butter?"

Wonderful.

Would you like some poké?

Yeah

Yeah, but I maxed out my credit card.

Yeah, hot.

Yeah, I finished a bunch.

Yeah, I like to check out the latest tech,

Yeah, in that area.

Yeah, no, it's not that.

Yeah, okay. Okay

Yeah, you know they might. I just thought it might be fun

Yeah, you know what. Let me make take care of the essay. I got it.

Yeah! I'll be right back!

Yeah. Certified organic.

Yeah. Hey, what happened to your, um, healthy choices?

Yeah. It's not you, it's not you. You're...

Yeah. No.

Yeah. That's only useful advice if you're riding a dog.

Yello.

Yep. I'm trying to fight my base urges.

Yes. I'm just waiting for my pap.

You activate the bro code

You became Buddhist...

You call it. I want to see your face.

You can't monopolize the bathroom

You crushed it in there!

You did it in a dream, and you..

You don't understand.

You don't understand. Like, I'm not...

You get some rest... kiddo.

You gonna do it? You gonna ask her out?

You gonna go out with him?

You had a bit of a nervous breakdown...

You just described fifth grade.

You just want to wake up, and...

You just, you don't think there's like any reason that I shouldn't?

You know how he gets

You know what? Just... you.

You know what? This is pretty... disgusting.

You know, whether the book was a prequel or first draft

You may need to take a trip to your happy place.

You mentioned, uh, helping me with my love life.

You moved to California to be by the beach?

You put, like, leaves in a juicer and you... made that?

You reference Kafka in it.

You should not pick this up 'cause the last thing you need right now

You should use it for sex.

You sound like that weird butter commercial.

You told me that, remember?

You took some guy home

You want it to be all okay, but there's no waking up

You want one?

You were gonna ask out Rebecca and I was gonna ask out Olivia.

You... okay. You do?

You're a really great guy,

You're at the radiology lab? What happened?

You're looking for someone to, like, pound the bad feelings out of you.

You're not a healthy choice.

You're not exactly, in general, like, steeped in honesty.

You're not that nice to me and you're weird.

You're out of material for your paper?

You're thinking, "Well, are you Audra Levine?"

You're too young.

You're welcome

You're, like, so cool.

You're, like, the smartest, most badass girl I know.

Your dad's an idiot.

Your future is in your hands

(Chris) We made a deal.

(Chris) What? (Greg) Never mind.

(clattering) ♪ So won't you ♪

(Greg) Okay, you ready? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm so excited.

(laughing) (Phone plays tune)

(Man) Hey! Just a minute.

(Paula) Okay. (Rebecca) Oh, my gosh.

(phone ringing)

(pounding) Come on! All right, already!

(quietly) I'm sorry. No, I will not step outside

(snaps fingers) ♪ Settle for me ♪

♪ C R A Z Y ♪ Okay, we get it!

♪ Cielito lindo ♪ Ha ha!

♪ Porque cantando se alegran ♪ (grunts)

♪ Settle for me ♪ ♪ It makes a certain sense ♪

♪ She's the crazy ex girlfriend ♪ Can you guys

♪ She's the crazy ex girlfriend ♪ That's a sexist term.

♪ She's the crazy ex girlfriend ♪ What? No, I'm not.

♪ STDs ♪ ♪ Tell me, please ♪

a lifestyle choice, you know? Yeah.

a vegan now. Yeah. Really?

♪ Is right down the hall, okay? ♪ ♪ Okay ♪

Are those the s'mores ones? (sniffing) Ugh.

but it's it's right near the Dress Barn. No.

Come on, you love the Dress Barn. No. I'm goinna go.

Deal. Great.

don't you think? Yeah, like, I think I really need

Great, send him in. Oh.

Here we go. Okay.

Hi. Oh, what are those?

I I... I don't understand.

I know. Even her wrists are pretty.

I know. It's so wrong.

I mean, she is seriously bonker balls. Heather, we don't use terms like that

I really should pick this up. No, don't. No, no, no. You know what,

I think so. Yeah, I mean, I did Tinder in New York.

I'm sorry. No.

in one minute in the gazebo! Oh...!

It's, uh, Jason, remember? Shh. Don't tell me, don't tell me.

It's... (Phone ringing)

Josh. Exactly.

Just listen. Just just listen. for Josh?

know what is authentic? Okay,

Like, what do I write there? Ooh. Let's take a look see at this.

Mm hm What's his last name? It doesn't matter.

Mm hmm. But it's so right.

Mm hmm. so I stayed up all night last night

Mm. Cheers.

Mm. Ignore.

Mm. Mm, garbage can.

No, I can hear your face. Just do it.

No, I don't have feelings... No, no, no, no, no.

No, I I don't, I don't have feelings... No, no, shh.

No! Eat it.

No... No, I know.

Oh, I can't believe it. Neither can I.

Oh, no, no. Try some.

Oh, oh, oh! Okay.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. Mm.

Oh. But...

Oh... Mm. Mm hmm. Let's see. I learned

Okay, so this guy can Yeah.

Okay, then. (sighs) Okay.

Okay. Just give me the... phone. Oh. Oh! Ninja!

Okay...? What the hell is going on?

Please? Sure. Yeah.

Pops up, diappears. It's hilarious. (phone chimes)

soy candles and indie bands. No.

Technology. Yeah. Oh, my God. Okay.

Technology. Yeah. Oh, my god. Okay.

Tell him yes. Yeah. Okay.

Text? Uh...

Thank you. Hm.

Thank you. It's cute. It's like how...

Thanks. So, um,

that tum tum full of guacamole. ♪ I... love avocados! ♪

That was dumb. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's fast! Mm hmm.

That's gonna be our little secret. Okay.

The hipster one? Are you crazy? Yeah.

the vegan thing. It's cute?

This makes no sense. I know,

This week you are. Okay. For forever I am.

Try me, Greg. Try me. Okay. Okay

Ugh! Let me save you from making another one.

Well, kind of. (knocking)

What's that supposed to mean? It's very funny. It's cute,

Wow. Mmm!

Yeah, can't we just talk over here? Nah,

Yeah, I would do a thong. Okay.

Yeah. But don't tell anyone, all right?

Yeah. Come on.

Yeah. That applies to your dating life, too,

Yeah. So, I still like you, Yeah, okay.

Yes, we are. Yes. Okay.

You won't regret it. We're gonna get ♪ I won't regret it. ♪

You're making fun of me. I don't like it. Hey, what's wrong?

...the Echo Park one is better.

"Do you feel disgusted and uneasy

"Make an effort, make a decision, don't make mistakes"?

(both laughing)

(both sigh)

(Both) ♪ Settle for me ♪

(Both) Mmm! Mmm!

(Chris) Nah, he's not gonna do it.

(chuckles)

(chuckles)

(chuckles) I feel you.

(door closes)

(door opens)

(drumming)

(exhales)

(exhales) Oh, wow, we just, like, really worked through something there...

(footsteps approaching)

(gasps)

(gasps) Now, that was

(Greg in Irish accent) What are you drinking,

(groans, door closes)

(groans)

(groans) Ooh. You are really sticking to this.

(Hawaiian music playing)

(Heather) As Jean Paul Sartre said, "We are our choices."

(Heather) So, in conclusion,

(inhales and exhales loudly through her nose)

(inhales and exhales loudly)

(Jason) Hello?

(knocking)

(laughing) Are you like a love doctor?

(laughing) No. Stop messing with me. I know it's weird

(laughing) That's what he does. He pops up, disappears.

(laughs) like, a handmade card

(laughs) Oh!

(laughs) Thanks.

(Man over speakers) You've been voting all day, and we are down to two finalists.

(Man) Ms. Davis, she sounds like

(music pauses)

(Naomi) Anyway, I wanted to tell you that I was reading

(people cheering)

(people jeering)

(phone chimes)

(phone chimes)

(quietly) Oh

(Rebecca) ♪ I was working hard at a New York job ♪

(Rebecca) That Harper Lee analogy

(sighs)

(sighs)

(sighs)

(sighs)

(sighs)

(sighs)

(sighs)

(sighs) Just what a guy wants to hear on a date.

(sighs) Okay.

(slurping)

(song ends)

(sputters, laughs)

(sputters)

(thunder rumbling) Hmm, let's see,

(touch tones beeping)

(trumpets play closing phrase)

(TV Man) Welcome back... thank you for stickin' with us....

(whimpering)

(whispers) sexy Porta Potties.

(whooping, cheering)

(Woman in distance) Oh, come on!

(Woman) Do you feel disgusted and uneasy

(Woman) Make an effort,

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪ 'Cause I... ♪

♪ Am I okay with this? ♪

♪ And ♪

♪ And he and I ♪

♪ And I hope you're not a murderer ♪

♪ And please don't be a murderer ♪

♪ And please don't harvest my kidney ♪

♪ And settle for me ♪

♪ As soon as I'm done peeing ♪

♪ Ay, ay, ay, ay ♪

♪ Ay, ay, ay, ay ♪

♪ Babycakes, just settle for me ♪

♪ Before I choke on all this swallowed pride ♪

♪ Brand new pals and new career ♪

♪ But hey, let's think this through ♪

♪ But I know there's another guy ♪

♪ But I'm right here ♪

♪ But like 2% milk or seitan beef ♪

♪ But that's not why I'm here ♪

♪ But there's only one pair that I see ♪

♪ Can't you see the light? ♪

♪ Canta y no llores ♪

♪ Canta y no llores ♪

♪ Cielito lindo... ♪

♪ Come on and settle for me ♪

♪ Come on, cutie, get between my thighs ♪

♪ Darling, just settle for me ♪

♪ Demeaning terms are all that I have left ♪

♪ Do get along... ♪

♪ Don't give me that incredulous face ♪

♪ Don't make me feel like a little girl ♪

♪ Don't steal ♪

♪ Exposed and raw ♪

♪ Have... ♪

♪ He got a tight ass bod, big brown eyes ♪

♪ He's a fantasy ♪

♪ He's a nice, smart guy ♪

♪ Hey, sexy stranger, come back to my place ♪

♪ Hey, sexy stranger, I'll be right back ♪

♪ Hey, sexy stranger, let's go to my place ♪

♪ I almost taste the same ♪

♪ I don't even know your name ♪

♪ I feel so grand ♪

♪ I have no problem being picked out from the bottom ♪

♪ I just forgot to do the dishes ♪

♪ I know I'm only second place in this game ♪

♪ I saw a movie like that on Lifetime ♪

♪ I think you'll have to agree ♪

♪ I'm not the one you adore ♪

♪ I'm sorry, I'll stop talking 'bout the murderer thing ♪

♪ If he's your broken condom, I'm plan B ♪

♪ If you happen to be free ♪

♪ In a sad way, darling, it's fate ♪

♪ In flesh and blood and self hate ♪

♪ Is that a gun? Oh, thank God, it's just your penis ♪

♪ It happens to be where Josh lives ♪

♪ It'll be simpler ♪

♪ It's a practical proposal ♪

♪ It's time to start being ♪

♪ Just settle for... ♪

♪ Keep yourself horny, stay in the mood. ♪

♪ Kiss me, baby, all over the place ♪

♪ Let me get back to playin' with your thing ♪

♪ Let's pretend I didn't say that ♪

♪ Little girl ♪

♪ Los corazo... nes... ♪

♪ Los corazones ♪

♪ Making dough but it made me blue ♪

♪ Maybe, just maybe, settle for me... ♪

♪ Mmm, mmm, mmm... ♪

♪ Most people don't know about the window ♪

♪ My heart goes tippety tap tap tap ♪

♪ Not asking to be your fiancé ♪

♪ Of my masculinity ♪

♪ One day I was crying a lot and so I decide to move to ♪

♪ Pl pl please don't be a murderer ♪

♪ Please don't be a murderer ♪

♪ Please don't steal anything on the way ♪

♪ Please go wash your balls in the shower, the bathroom ♪

♪ Porque cantando ♪

♪ Right near the dress barn ♪

♪ Say yes or no ♪

♪ Schmoopy pie, I'm begging you, please ♪

♪ Se alegran ♪

♪ Settle for him ♪

♪ Settle for him ♪

♪ Settle for me ♪

♪ Settle for me ♪

♪ Settle for me ♪

♪ She's so broken inside ♪

♪ So even though ♪

♪ So lower those expectations ♪

♪ Solange to Beyoncé ♪

♪ STDs ♪

♪ Steppin' in the club, all those eyes on me ♪

♪ Sugar jugs, I'm so bereft ♪

♪ Tested again? Just makin' sure ♪

♪ Than I've been... ♪

♪ Then... ♪

♪ Totally ♪

♪ Uh, your balls smell weird ♪

♪ Waited the three month window and got ♪

♪ We make quite a pair ♪

♪ West Covina, California ♪

♪ When I hold your hand ♪

♪ When we're together ♪

♪ Whose boobs can't even fill a training bra ♪

♪ Why don't we just call each other "baby"? ♪

♪ Why not just ♪

♪ Why... not ♪

♪ Yes, Josh is a dream ♪

♪ You been tested for STDs? ♪

♪ You fancy more ♪

♪ You got a beautiful ass, strong ass arms ♪

♪ You haven't aired out those balls in hours ♪

♪ You're like Rocky V to Rocky ♪

♪ Your balls smell so much worse than I feared ♪

♪

♪ A bit more realistic ♪

♪ But if tonight, or tomorrow ♪

♪ Maybe it's time to grow up ♪

♪ So settle for me ♪